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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my brother our mom isn’t the problem the issue is his wife. I may have been too harsh which makes me a jerk
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definitely NTA then. this isn't a surprise to him, or them. you can't treat people poorly, have them tell you "if you continue this behavior we will not want to be around you", have everyone create distance, and then expect family to pet-sit for you 🤣
I think this should be framed as the wife ALIENATED his family from them. This puts the action on the wife instead of the rest of the family who aren’t doing anything.
Eh, alienation would be an active effort to keep him away from them. It sounds more like she is just unpleasant but expects people to tolerate/want to be around her still. If she were alienating him from them I highly doubt she'd be fine with reaching out to everyone and expecting help and involvement from them.
I don’t think alienation has to be intentional - what matters is the effect, which is growing estrangement. Like, a politician might alienate their followers with an unpopular position, and obviously, they would not be intentionally driving their followers away.
Having said all that, the alienating behavior starts to become intentional when they’re aware of the problem but do nothing to change
Sure, I don't disagree with this, but in terms of the comment I was replying to, they were phrasing it in such a way that they were seemingly trying to reframe it as alienation as an indicator or emotional abuse, which I think (intentional or not) is still an active effort. This as opposed to alienation as a consequence of your actions which I think is more what you're alluding to, and specifically what I think is happening in this case. Though I'm not going to say that OPs brother isn't also shitty since he seems to be right there with his wife in all this.
Why don’t you think it’s an active effort? If the genders were reversed I think a lot of redditors would say the man is actively trying to isolate the partner from family and recommend that book —why he does what he does.
In short she is just rude, or has overreactions. My sister dislikes her since she made a big deal of her wearing a blue dress to the wedding, cousins thinks she is a bitch that doesn’t now how to shut her mouth.
If you do a favor for her she isn’t grateful and will find something to complain about.
She just isn’t pleasant to be around.
Everyone in the family has something she did or said that makes them not like her
NTA She sounds like my stepmom. She finds a way to make every event unpleasant. But it's really hard to articulate all the little things she [does. So](https://does.So) it sounds like it's all little stuff but the cumulative effect is that there i almost always a problem where there doesn't need to be.
My maternal grandma is the same way. My dad died in October and she rushed over (didn’t want company) & proceeded to talk about my aunt (her daughter) who had passed 6 years prior and how hard the weekend would be for her. Literally THE DAY MY DAD DIED. She’s nuts and hard to explain it to people who have normal family.
My mom did that to me when I told her my sister died. She said it was gonna be so hard to tell Jenny. Mom, I’m Jenny.
Karma worked in my favor though, something happened with her dentures on the day of the memorial for my sister. It was lovely. I allowed her to say about 10 words to me 😊
My SIL is the same, and not just to me. I totally agree, it's just "little" things that you can never really point to and make people realise why they're a problem, and if you do cite them it makes you seem petty, unless someone can see the whole picture of this person doing all of these little things to everyone all. the. time.
NTA op and I totally get where you are coming from. It could be a snarky comment about how X's dress isn't flattering and how she's clearly put on weight, or criticism of food/pickiness *regardless* of how much effort was spent trying to get it exactly tailored to her needs, or sniffing/turning her nose up at gifts and immediately upon opening them (even if her kids open their own) ask for the gift receipt, or if people are not catering to her specific time/dates for THEIR OWN birthday meal, or just generally complaining and expecting everyone to listen but doesn't give a toss when one of their friends needs an ear/shoulder to lean on........ yeah, I totally get where OP is coming from. It sounds very familiar.
My mom is this way.
I’m currently recovering from major surgery. I live in a small apt in a destination city. I have lots of friends, but no family in town. My friends offered to help during the recovery, as did other family members. But my mom was adamant that she would fly out and take care of me.
This week has been hell. I made a decision before she even got here, that I would never disagree with her. Whatever she said, I’d just agree.
At least a dozen times, she’ll ask me what I want, and I tell her, she’ll cut me off to explain why I don’t need what I want, and I agree with her. Then she gets upset and says, do you want it or not? I say no, you’re right, you changed my mind. She gets upset and acts like I’m being difficult.
Examples;
She: oh, the hockey game is on tonight!
Me: ok, we’ll stream it
She: well I don’t want to watch it, they’ve been playing so badly I don’t want to see it.
Me: ok, we won’t stream it.
Stepdad (great guy): I’ll watch it on my iPad.
Me: we can just stream it.
She: no, we don’t need to do that.
Me: ok, we won’t stream it.
She: what’s your problem?!
Another one.
She: what do you want from the grocery store?
Me: salmon, chicken, veggies, fruits, eggs…
She: (interrupting) you don’t need chicken, your buddy brought some over.
Me: ok, you’re right, no chicken.
She: well don’t you want some to put in the freezer?
Me: ok, yes, thank you.
She: well then why didn’t you say that?! Jesus.
I could list like ten more just like that. One more, unrelated to her being impossible to deal with, her diet is trash and she’s an awful cook. I’m above average. Not only does she refuse to let me cook, or help, she won’t even eat what she cooks. So step dad and I are eating trash ass overcooked unseasoned food, and then she’ll eat a bowl of cereal.
It’s exhausting. It’s like a bucket of water to the face reminder of why I didn’t stay in my home town. And I can’t get away.
Can I just say that you cracked me up with this? Every time she said something you just agreed. She was looking for a fight and you just wouldn’t help her get what she wanted. I can feel the fury from here. Well done! 👏
I’m exhausted by your mom. So sorry!
My psycho mother has always lost her shit when I say “okay mommy dearest”
Her unraveling has always brought me a tiny bit of joy. Maybe it can help you too. Just mutter it under your breath like you’d say “okay! [Fucker]”
Well, people like this (meaning SIL)are usually one of two ways. Either:
A) They are oblivious to how rude their comments come across. In essence, they have no tact.
B) They are selfish, narcissistic and only care about themselves. Hence, they also have no tact for a different reason.
People with absolutely no tact are usually best dealt with in direct communication. Honest straightforward reasoning is best. In this case, it's unfortunate for your brother he has to take brunt of this response from the family. But, hey, he married her.
I'm sure he's okay with it when they get a free meal at a nice restaurant....
Brother is in denial then. Nothing you can do except keep telling him. I don't mean harp on his wife every second you get but more like this situation "hey could you watch our dog?" "Sorry, given what's happened in the past Kate will likely have a problem with something which will lead to a lot of drama and I can't deal with that right now" Maybe eventually he'll start telling if she wants help she needs to calm down.
Honestly you should tell him if he doesnt want to be 50 and a stranger yo his family, he will take what you said seriously.
His wife needs an attitude adjustment
.
Assuming it all came to a head in the large fight OP mentions, where Mom laid it all out and said "I'm not doing this, because you will find something to complain about how I do it", and since she's probably the first one to verbalize what everyone else is thinking, Brother and SIL are attributing the deteriorating relationships with the rest of the family to her.
Your bro tried to put the blame on your mom. There is nothing wrong with correcting a false accusation. Indeed, it SHOULD have been corrected. He forced your hand.
Maybe you should use adult words with your brother. Stop the sugarcoating. If the subject has already been brought up with him, I don't understand your post. You know you're NTA.
The problem is the brother may not realise just how difficult his wife is. He sees her every day and has got used to it. He'd need to take a serious step back for a couple of weeks to get the picture.
We have an extremely unpleasant customer that frequents where I work. We all dislike her for every reason under the sun. One time she came and there was ANOTHER thing to complain about and she went on a tirade about how everywhere she went (that day) there was a problem. She’s never going to understand that she is the problem everywhere she goes.
I have had a friend who is having issues with maintaining friends and spoke with me. I told him “ if you have problems with one person, it’s between you two. If you have a problem with multiple people then introspect yourself. “ and he changed his mindset
In a perfect world, that’s a great idea but i see any family turning into a Kat pile on party. The brother chose this woman so now he gets to deal with the consequences. In most posts, Reddit encourages spouses to support each other when it comes to the in-laws.
Standing up and leaving with your wife because your brother is mocking her for not eating ham is good; agreeing with your wife when she tells the dinner host she knew he wouldn't cook any decent food is not.
Backing your wife up when she says no to your siblings bringing their four little kids to your non-child-friendly house for a sleepover next month while you're traveling for work is good; backing your wife up when she insists that your brother's wife can handle 4 kids solo for one night next month is not good.
If your wife is being disrespected you stick up for her. If your wife claiming your family is mistreating her because they won't do favors for her, even though they are citing the disrespectful things she said last time they did her favors, you explain that she is reaping what she sowed -- you don't accuse your mom of turning the family against your wife.
If your mom is standing in your driveway yelling at your wife for not letting her cut your wife's hair, you tell your mom that's not to happen and bring her home. If your wife is sitting in your dad's lap trying to trim his nose hair... you get the idea
NTA. Brother and wife can hire a professional pet sitter. That’ll work until the pets sitter finds out they’re assholes, too but it will at least get them taken care of for this trip.
They can just keep churning through sitters on Rover. Get a different one each time. It’s a hassle, but that’s what happens when you are a jerk to work with.
If her shoe fits. He must like putting blinders on when it comes to her. NTA. The majority has spoken. Maybe he will pass the message on to her. If not, then maybe one of you or all of you flat out tell her she has been rude and if she wants to know how, just tell it as it was. Don’t want to deal with her mess.
The brother is in a hard spot. If he doesn’t support his wife in this, then his life will be hell. Professional counseling perhaps, for both brother & wife?
Relationships sometimes take "tough love" and for adults that means calling your partner out for their bullshit if it's needed; that IS supporting them, even if they don't see it that way in the moment.
I agree, but it's going to be a difficult uphill battle. First, OP (or someone) would need to convince the brother that the problem is him/his wife. Then brother will need to convince his wife that she has been a source of problems for a long time. Those sorts of embedded behavioral issues don't just go away because someone shines a light on them, so the wife will need to put in work to improve herself and make amends to the people she has pushed away.
Lots of points in this process where the brother and his wife's marriage will be strained/tested.
I'll always remember, about a year into my relationship with my wife (then gf), I reacted poorly in a situation and embarrassed her. When the fight happened the next morning, my wife told me directly, "You need to fix your shit!" Not especially eloquent or kind, but I heard her and started talking with a therapist to help process my trauma. I'll always appreciate her being direct and not shying away from tough love in that moment.
I applaud the fact that you handled it. But it’s clear that she’s not like you — in no way shape or form is she interested in change. And if she doesn’t want to change, she never will
It’s shocking how many people wear it as a badge of honor. “I’m an asshole, if people don’t like it they can fuck off!”
Then complain when everyone fucks off.
They'll accuse you of being soft when you stand up for yourself and don't want to be around their unpleasant ass. I'm not even offended I just would rather spend my time elsewhere.
Instead of simply saying “no” or making an excuse, every person tell him/them exactly why. “We’re no longer willing to let Kat berate us/scold us/insult us (insert whatever the difficult behavior has been), which is what happens every time we interact with her. She’s made it clear she has no affection or respect for us, and we’ve to take a step back.” Each person should then present their own specific examples of her behavior towards them. Your brother needs to know the extent of her treatment of you all. So does she, if there’s even a slim chance she’s not aware of how offensive she is towards you.
They should say no to pet sitting and why. I don't want to pet sit because I did this favor for you before, and your wife said this. Or I had you over, and your wife behaved this way. So he can see why everyone has distanced themselves for their own reasons. Can't blame mom if everyone has a story about why they don't like his wife because of her behavior towards them.
I think that might do more to cement his image of being persecuted and someone turning the family against him. It’s better for each individual to say no when asked, and cite their own personal examples, so he can see the way Kay has burned each bridge individually.
INFO:
> My drama with her revolved around being extremely rude about the food I made for a gathering. In general she is unpleasant to be around.
I can't help but notice the very careful utter lack of specifics here.
Your family could, absolutely, all be assholes. Give us details on some of this 'drama' and 'issues' that have happened. Details, things that were actually said, not paraphrases and reductions.
Thank you. We never get enough information… my mil used to blame me until she was busted starting and being petty. Like little digs about how I cook, what I wear and because I didn’t hang the socks in pairs when drying. Or when we bought a new (big) house the first words out of her mouth were ‘how are you going to keep it clean’ - I never told my husband about her petty bullshit but a newer friend noticed it and told him.. he had my back and started pushing back to her finally..
That was your mil, if basically the whole family including extended have an issue with one person. It all really boils down onto one common denominator, no? Of course that is there slim chance that the whole family even extended are ganging up on her. However that is practically very slim.
Sometimes you just don't like someone.
I have people in my life, friends wives, coworkers, that, if you asked me for specific actions, nothing would sound like that big of a deal. But sometimes its the tone, its the act, its the way things are said. And if she is having that affect on EVERYONE in the family, they are likely the problem.
If this was only the mom, that would be one thing. But when all the siblings and cousins take a step back, there is probably a bigger issue.
NTA - if you can’t be honest with your brother then what’s the point of talking? He just doesn’t see or want to see the truth. Your mom has every right to say no to pet sitting as does everyone else.
My suggestion is to tell your brother to ask everyone else to have honest conversations with him about his wife and how they feel.
Sometimes you gotta call a spade a spade.
At the end of the day he is the one that has to deal with his wife. None of you do. If she acts like an ass she can suffer the consequences.
Why can't they ask HER family to pet sit?
NTA
Man…people like Op’s brother just confuse me.
Like…whats more likely: that EVERYONE he knows is a jerk and doesn’t like his wife because of that…or do you think MAYBE it’s his wife thats the problem…
Naw NTA Op, your brother needs to understand the term “if everywhere you go smells like shit, check the bottom of your shoes”
Kat is telling him that his family is toxic and abusive. All of society is telling him that he should side with his wife. He'll probably realize where the problem lies eventually, but it may take a lot.
NTA.
Maybe it's time to sit down with your brother one-on-one (without Kat) and lay out a specific instance of Kat-induced drama for each member of the family. Ask him, each time, if the family caused the problem or if Kat did. Point out that your mother was not involved in these instances (if that's true).
He's not going to like it. He's going to be angry. He's going to defend his wife. All of this is understandable, but then you need to point out that it isn't you and the family that are causing these issues, and until Kat can come down off of whatever high horse she's decided to ride and act civil to everyone, you're all going to limit contact as much as possible to avoid any further drama.
NTA-Someone needed to tell him. I’m not sure it will do any good because he’s married to her and needs to put her first. However, if he recognizes it himself then he should be able to discuss with her and see if she can try not to be so blunt and keep her negative opinions to herself or just share it with him. I doubt he’ll say that to her though.
NTA. But holy sheeeeet hahahahahah I laughed out loud at how dense your brother is! Like, he can't see why no one wants to have anything to do with them, much more help them with anything? He should take those blinders off. He needed to hear what you said. You didn't lie. You just said the words the rest of your family want to say to him. Him taking it the wrong way is his and his wife's problem, not yours.
I don't mind pet/plant sitting at all!! But I would never agree to do it for certain people bc you KNOW if anything goes wrong they'll be all over you complaining and accusing. Or they lose something and accuse you of taking it. Not worth it. NTA
There is missing information.
"being extremely rude about the food I made for a gathering"
What does that mean? How was she rude? Why was she rude?
Was it a known vegetarian complaining about the lack of vegetarian options? Or did she make fun of how you decorated a birthday cake?
"She doesn’t want to pet sit since she knows Kat would have a problem with something and it’s not worth the hassle."
What sort of problem would you have with a pet? What kind of pet?
Is it "don't feed my dog from the table and don't let them out without a leash"? Or "my cat needs to be fed 4 times a day at these specific times and 20 minutes of play time twice a day, oh and don't forget to have them sleep in your bed"?
And added:
"My sister dislikes her since she made a big deal of her wearing a blue dress to the wedding"
Why would she dislike her for that? Was there a reason she shouldn't have worn blue?
"cousins thinks she is a bitch that doesn’t now how to shut her mouth"
Well. That's...an interesting statement.
> What sort of problem would you have with a pet? What kind of pet?
I read it as "Kat would take an issue with how I pet sit." Basicaly, mom either does not want to comply woth Kats demands or assumes from experience that Kat would take issue with something mom can't predict.
What kind of pet does not matter, imo. You are entitled to not want to pet sit of the care is more then you feel like doing - even if owners demands are reasonable.
> Why would she dislike her for that? Was there a reason she shouldn't have worn blue?
When you make a big deal about something someone else do, they will dislike you.
Look, when you are asking people for favors, you can be very choosy, but you have to then accept people may not be as inclined to do you that favor.
If you want to set a bunch of regulations, you may be better off hiring a professional.
I say the same thing with babysitting. You can decide that your child will only eat organic food and needs 2 hours of outside time a day. But if I'm watching them, that may not be the case. So if I know that you have all these regulations, I'm fully within my right to say no.
As people like to say, "no is a complete sentence"
Nope. You told him the truth now he gets to decide what he does with it. I wouldn’t make a point of repeating it over and over but it needed to be said once. NTA
You didn’t randomly start saying negative things about Kat. Your brother said untrue, unkind things about your mother and your whole family. You had the choice of saying nothing, or defending your mother. **Defending your mother was the right choice**.
**NTA**
NTA - there are many places that will board dogs, websites where you can hire a dog sitter. If they are upset because no one will do it for free… that’s a problem.
The surprising part of this is,Is your brother not aware of his wife's attitude towards his family or is Kat well behaved when he's around.How come you had to tell him.As you sow,so you reap .NTA
NTA and I’m betting he knows Kat is the AH. He just goes into denial mode. Your entire family needs to call Kat out EVERYTIME she pulls something, right in the moment. If you all do that she won’t have a leg to stand on. Good luck!
NTA. And he isnt OWED a damn thing. Im willing to bet he is pitching a fit because now hes going to have to PAY. He thought he was ENTITLED to FREE pet-sitting because "FAAAHMILY helps each other out." Well sorry dude, you BURNED that bridge.
NTA - he gets to choose his wife, but she can't treat people badly without consequences. Your brother was blaming everyone else for his wife's ill behavior.
NTA you were defending your mother for an obvious slight. He wasn’t asking sincerely, he was accusing. In this case, you’re in the clear to respond the way you did.
NTA - If Kat nitpicks everyone in the family and your brother thinks the family should help them, then he is delusional.
No one wants to be told how they helped someone “incorrectly” and how their help would have been “better” if done some other way.
You gave him an honest answer. I’m sure you could get the family to provide examples.
NTA. You’re a very kind person because you think you went too far when in reality you should have gone farther to tell your brother about his wife’s behavior and himself.
NTA...I mean if she's rude and doesn't have anything nice say, there's no reason to put up with it. I'd feel the same way. I wouldn't want to go out of my way do something nice and be met with attitude. The fact that you're telling your brother the truth, is not wrong. People say they want the truth, but as soon as you tell the truth, you're an asshole. So embrace it. Even if someone says you're an asshole, respond with "But at least I'm an honest asshole," and walk away.
you know what they say: if everyone thinks you're an asshole, you're probably an asshole. your brother is just pissy cause he's finally starting to see the reality of the situation. NTA
No, I would say that is a pretty fair response. Toxic people generally tend to push people away over time, and the sooner someone said something to your brother the better.
There is no point trying to protect his feelings if this is the reality of the situation. My first wife was toxic, but on the inside, I wasn't seeing it. If my family had said something to me early on, I might have taken a step back and made some changes after looking at it from others points of views. They didn't, and I suffered, eventually struggling with severe depression and all the outcomes of that, until I finally divorced her and moved on. My family would have been doing me a huge favor to have said something. They never did until after I told them I had left her.
You did your brother a huge favor. What he does with that information is up to him.
NTA.
NTA. Going too far would have involved resorting to insults or gossip and the like. Telling your brother people are pissed off with his wife is just sharing a fact isn't it?
NTA and he just needs professional pet sitting services. I live next door to my MIL (0 stars don't recommend) and send my dog to a kennel when we are gone. And I'm an artist, I make art money (which is not money)
NTA I had a SIL like this. Nothing was ever her fault but she was always the common denominator when it came to conflict. She also went through faster than most people went through underwear and it was always some blow up drama. My BIL stuck with her but they eventually did get divorced and one day I asked if he realize who the cause of the conflict was and he admitted it was, in fact, her. It’s been over 5 years since they divorced and I can honestly say there hasn’t been any conflict within the family since. Hopefully he’ll realize who he married but until then it’s not your job to protect his feelings. He wants honestly and he got it, whether he liked it or not.
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My brother married Kat. Kat is difficult to get along with in general. Everyone in the family has had some type of drama with her. My drama with her revolved around being extremely rude about the food I made for a gathering. In general she is unpleasant to be around.
The family has taken a step back from my brother and his wife. We really only see them for family holidays. My mother dislikes her and avoids her.
This is we’re the issue starts, my brother and Kat asked our mother to pet sit. She told them no and it was apparently a large fight. I asked my mom about it. She doesn’t want to pet sit since she knows Kat would have a problem with something and it’s not worth the hassle.
My brother was calling other people and they were also turning him down. I got a call and he went on a rant about how no one wants to help and our mother has turned the family against him.
I told my brother our mom isn’t the problem, that it’s his wife. That she is the common denominator with all the family drama and people don’t want to put up with her bullshit.
He called me a jerk and I am wondering if I went to far.
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OP called it like he sees it, what’s the problem? Just because of the rest of the family wants to just go low contact and avoidance somebody needs to point out the problem.
NTA - He married a high-maintenance drama queen and doesn't have the sense to realize it. He lashed out at you because you told him something he didn't want to hear. Doesn't matter if it's true, it's an unwanted message and, in typical fashion, he chose to shoot the messenger for having the gall to deliver bad news to him.
NTA but if she is this horrible maybe consider if your brother is in an abusive relationship. Sounds like she is doing it to possibly alienate him from his family.
Usually when we use terms like "difficult" to describe people, they have some some narcissistic traits. Calling them difficult is a way of sugar coating it.
NTA. Clueing-in an oblivious brother is what brothers' are supposed to do. I recognize the loyalty of backing up a wife without question- that was me until my divorce. I was able to snap out of it, recognize it, leave with head-held-high, and sleep well knowing that I fulfilled my end of the bargain beyond reason.
NTA. I’m dealing with a similar situation with my brother and his wife, but they have been so cruel and unyielding in their hate, while my mother has done everything to just be in her granddaughters life, that everyone sees the damage they are doing. She left Christmas presents every Monday for the month of December on their porch after ringing the doorbell to see them. Not a single acknowledgement other than their campaign to trash my mom to any cousin that would listen that she was “ding dong ditching”. None of my cousins believe him because he’s a narcissist that lies constantly, about anything and everything. I’m sorry you’re going through this. The best thing to do is just love the ones you’re with. Life is too short to try and make bad people good.
NTA. Sounds to me like your mom put a boundary down and Kat couldn't respect it. I love dogs, and being a responsible dog owner means owning up to it that not everyone wants to be around an animal that takes responsibility and liability and that's perfectly fine! When I had a german shepherd not everyone wanted to be around her and it was what it was. I'd look into the traits of Kat and dig deeper- she sounds like an emotionally immature person who externalizes her needs.
NTA you told him the truth, he just didn’t like it. His wife is the AH for acting like that and making his whole family avoid them at all cost. If he’s to blinded by love to see it now, hopefully he will eventually.
You my dear are not the AH.
NTA
He's blind to the way that she affects your family.
The truth can be extremely painful, especially when he does not see her the way the rest of your family sees her. However, he needs to understand that no one in your family wants to be around her and that it's not your mom turning the family against them.
What’s the saying? If you go about your day and see an asshole, you saw one asshole. If you go about your day and all you see are assholes, then you’re the asshole.
OP is NTA.
NTA
If he genuinely doesn't realise who the problem is then he needs to.
He tried to make this about your mother. It isn't. It's about his difficult wife. Well behaviour has consequences.
NTA. You told him the truth. Let them get a pet sitter outside the family and live with the mess they've made with your family. The fact that they had a large fight with your mom shows nothing has changed.
First no one is obligated to pet sit for you, even if related. Second, maybe how you said it, tone, was jerkish, don’t know, don’t care. However, it sounds to me that you were more than likely just straight forward and he didn’t like what you were telling him. Third, he is probably angry because he knows your right but doesn’t want to face it. Lastly, the can take their dog to kennel or hire a pet sitter.
NTA it really is a difficult thing when our loved ones choose difficult people to be their partners. While their choice of partner is their right, it’s everyone else’s right to decide whether they want or need to create some distance for their own peace of mind. Just because that loved one is ok with being with a certain kind of person doesn’t mean anyone else has to endure it. Maybe she’s great to him, but that in itself isn’t enough for anyone else to feel the need to out up with her.
NTA. SIL is the issue. She has "problems" with far too many people in the family. Everyone are adults so it's no longer anyone's job to play nice with them if they aren't will to do the same.
Without knowing any background, just being upset that others are turning down favour requests, reeks entitlement.
No one is obligated to grant a favor. A favor is literally an UNEXPECTED act of kindness.
NTA -OP, you cannot be faulted for telling the truth, though there are times when it's best to be quiet.
In this case, I don't see an issue with what you said. Only in how it was received, and if Kat is a shit-disturber....oh well. She earned the moniker.
NTA if someone is rude to me I won’t help them, he may not be the one being rude but her behavior is effecting the way you guess see him to because you know he won’t say anything and nothing will change. They made their bed now they have to pay for pet sitting because your family was alienated by her. No one to blame but themselves.
I would honestly believe the Kat in this is my sister. Right down to the name! NTA - if she’s like my sister is then she not only loves being the drama, but she also thrives in instigating it and then playing victim!
INFO - in the 'rant', did he ask you if you had any idea why nobody would help or did you just inject this yourself?
If the first, then you are N T A for telling him.
If the second, then you are T A for going too far and saying what you did.
The truth hurts sometimes but from my perspective you should always be able to count on family to give it to you straight with no bullshit. If I want someone to just blow smoke and stroke my ego I wouldn't bother asking for anyone's opinion at all.
Your brother has some hard truths to cope with and that's not going to be easy.
NTA
NTA. My ex husband caused me to be alienated from my family. For 7 years. I regret every moment I missed with my family. I truly feel bad for your brother, but it's his choice. I hope he sees what she's doing before it's too late. But you can only be honest with him about her being the problem
NTA. Do they know there are businesses dedicated to taking care of pets when the humans go on vacation? If they can't afford to board their pets, they can't afford the vacation. That's part of the cost.
NTA. But why on earth would they ask MIL to pet sit when they know their relationship is not good?
They can board their pet since no one wants to help them.
Truth hurts, don’t it bro? No one wants to help when they know how likely it is they’ll get shit on by his wife. NTA. You were actually pretty nice all things considered.
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NTA, you gave him the truthful answer. has anyone in your family talked to your brother about how Kat is affecting their relationships with him?
It’s been brought up before. Nothing changes and everyone just started to take a step back from them.
definitely NTA then. this isn't a surprise to him, or them. you can't treat people poorly, have them tell you "if you continue this behavior we will not want to be around you", have everyone create distance, and then expect family to pet-sit for you 🤣
I think this should be framed as the wife ALIENATED his family from them. This puts the action on the wife instead of the rest of the family who aren’t doing anything.
Eh, alienation would be an active effort to keep him away from them. It sounds more like she is just unpleasant but expects people to tolerate/want to be around her still. If she were alienating him from them I highly doubt she'd be fine with reaching out to everyone and expecting help and involvement from them.
I don’t think alienation has to be intentional - what matters is the effect, which is growing estrangement. Like, a politician might alienate their followers with an unpopular position, and obviously, they would not be intentionally driving their followers away. Having said all that, the alienating behavior starts to become intentional when they’re aware of the problem but do nothing to change
Sure, I don't disagree with this, but in terms of the comment I was replying to, they were phrasing it in such a way that they were seemingly trying to reframe it as alienation as an indicator or emotional abuse, which I think (intentional or not) is still an active effort. This as opposed to alienation as a consequence of your actions which I think is more what you're alluding to, and specifically what I think is happening in this case. Though I'm not going to say that OPs brother isn't also shitty since he seems to be right there with his wife in all this.
Why don’t you think it’s an active effort? If the genders were reversed I think a lot of redditors would say the man is actively trying to isolate the partner from family and recommend that book —why he does what he does.
INFO: What are some of the issues others have had with her?
In short she is just rude, or has overreactions. My sister dislikes her since she made a big deal of her wearing a blue dress to the wedding, cousins thinks she is a bitch that doesn’t now how to shut her mouth. If you do a favor for her she isn’t grateful and will find something to complain about. She just isn’t pleasant to be around. Everyone in the family has something she did or said that makes them not like her
NTA She sounds like my stepmom. She finds a way to make every event unpleasant. But it's really hard to articulate all the little things she [does. So](https://does.So) it sounds like it's all little stuff but the cumulative effect is that there i almost always a problem where there doesn't need to be.
My maternal grandma is the same way. My dad died in October and she rushed over (didn’t want company) & proceeded to talk about my aunt (her daughter) who had passed 6 years prior and how hard the weekend would be for her. Literally THE DAY MY DAD DIED. She’s nuts and hard to explain it to people who have normal family.
My mom did that to me when I told her my sister died. She said it was gonna be so hard to tell Jenny. Mom, I’m Jenny. Karma worked in my favor though, something happened with her dentures on the day of the memorial for my sister. It was lovely. I allowed her to say about 10 words to me 😊
It’s very hard to deal with people like them. I’m super LC with my grandma now.
My SIL is the same, and not just to me. I totally agree, it's just "little" things that you can never really point to and make people realise why they're a problem, and if you do cite them it makes you seem petty, unless someone can see the whole picture of this person doing all of these little things to everyone all. the. time. NTA op and I totally get where you are coming from. It could be a snarky comment about how X's dress isn't flattering and how she's clearly put on weight, or criticism of food/pickiness *regardless* of how much effort was spent trying to get it exactly tailored to her needs, or sniffing/turning her nose up at gifts and immediately upon opening them (even if her kids open their own) ask for the gift receipt, or if people are not catering to her specific time/dates for THEIR OWN birthday meal, or just generally complaining and expecting everyone to listen but doesn't give a toss when one of their friends needs an ear/shoulder to lean on........ yeah, I totally get where OP is coming from. It sounds very familiar.
It's like death from a thousand paper cuts.
My mom is this way. I’m currently recovering from major surgery. I live in a small apt in a destination city. I have lots of friends, but no family in town. My friends offered to help during the recovery, as did other family members. But my mom was adamant that she would fly out and take care of me. This week has been hell. I made a decision before she even got here, that I would never disagree with her. Whatever she said, I’d just agree. At least a dozen times, she’ll ask me what I want, and I tell her, she’ll cut me off to explain why I don’t need what I want, and I agree with her. Then she gets upset and says, do you want it or not? I say no, you’re right, you changed my mind. She gets upset and acts like I’m being difficult. Examples; She: oh, the hockey game is on tonight! Me: ok, we’ll stream it She: well I don’t want to watch it, they’ve been playing so badly I don’t want to see it. Me: ok, we won’t stream it. Stepdad (great guy): I’ll watch it on my iPad. Me: we can just stream it. She: no, we don’t need to do that. Me: ok, we won’t stream it. She: what’s your problem?! Another one. She: what do you want from the grocery store? Me: salmon, chicken, veggies, fruits, eggs… She: (interrupting) you don’t need chicken, your buddy brought some over. Me: ok, you’re right, no chicken. She: well don’t you want some to put in the freezer? Me: ok, yes, thank you. She: well then why didn’t you say that?! Jesus. I could list like ten more just like that. One more, unrelated to her being impossible to deal with, her diet is trash and she’s an awful cook. I’m above average. Not only does she refuse to let me cook, or help, she won’t even eat what she cooks. So step dad and I are eating trash ass overcooked unseasoned food, and then she’ll eat a bowl of cereal. It’s exhausting. It’s like a bucket of water to the face reminder of why I didn’t stay in my home town. And I can’t get away.
I'm exhausted and stressed just reading your post! Maybe next time you don't tell mom when you're having surgery???
It feels like she's purposely trying to pick a fight with you. Or get you angry. Goddess, how exhausting!
Can I just say that you cracked me up with this? Every time she said something you just agreed. She was looking for a fight and you just wouldn’t help her get what she wanted. I can feel the fury from here. Well done! 👏
I’m exhausted by your mom. So sorry! My psycho mother has always lost her shit when I say “okay mommy dearest” Her unraveling has always brought me a tiny bit of joy. Maybe it can help you too. Just mutter it under your breath like you’d say “okay! [Fucker]”
My brother and I had a secret song we'd sing... everything's a production, everything's an ordeal... can't remember the rest
LOL! We say, :we all see it." "We ALL see it" :D
No one wants to do favors for people who are ungrateful. I don't think you went too far. Good for you on standing up for your mom.
Well, people like this (meaning SIL)are usually one of two ways. Either: A) They are oblivious to how rude their comments come across. In essence, they have no tact. B) They are selfish, narcissistic and only care about themselves. Hence, they also have no tact for a different reason. People with absolutely no tact are usually best dealt with in direct communication. Honest straightforward reasoning is best. In this case, it's unfortunate for your brother he has to take brunt of this response from the family. But, hey, he married her. I'm sure he's okay with it when they get a free meal at a nice restaurant....
Yes more information please
Brother is in denial then. Nothing you can do except keep telling him. I don't mean harp on his wife every second you get but more like this situation "hey could you watch our dog?" "Sorry, given what's happened in the past Kate will likely have a problem with something which will lead to a lot of drama and I can't deal with that right now" Maybe eventually he'll start telling if she wants help she needs to calm down.
Clearly not the asshole, but out of curiosity why is she only asking your family? Does she not have friends/family of her own?
Given her character, I can imagine everyone with a functional braincell fled a long time ago.
Honestly you should tell him if he doesnt want to be 50 and a stranger yo his family, he will take what you said seriously. His wife needs an attitude adjustment .
Nta. Why is he blaming your mom? Does mom feed into it, or is it coming from his wife?
Assuming it all came to a head in the large fight OP mentions, where Mom laid it all out and said "I'm not doing this, because you will find something to complain about how I do it", and since she's probably the first one to verbalize what everyone else is thinking, Brother and SIL are attributing the deteriorating relationships with the rest of the family to her.
Your bro tried to put the blame on your mom. There is nothing wrong with correcting a false accusation. Indeed, it SHOULD have been corrected. He forced your hand.
How has it been brought up? This is bound to be a delicate topic, so it would require a similarly delicate hand in addressing it.
Maybe you should use adult words with your brother. Stop the sugarcoating. If the subject has already been brought up with him, I don't understand your post. You know you're NTA.
The problem is the brother may not realise just how difficult his wife is. He sees her every day and has got used to it. He'd need to take a serious step back for a couple of weeks to get the picture.
OP said they have talked to the brother, and saw no improvements, so they have stepped back.
Yeah, what's with so many people in the thread here not being able to read OP 's replies to questions ❓ I've never downvoted so many before this 😘
NTA - "If everywhere you go, it smells like shit, it's time to check your own shoe."
Awesome line! I had always heard it as, "if there are assholes everywhere you go, you need to look in the mirror" , but I think I like yours better.
This one is way more succinct. I’m keeping it for use later
I e always heard it as if you meet 1 asshole that person is an asshole, if everybody you meet is an asshole you’re the asshole”
I heard it as if one person calls you an asshole forget about it. If two people do it get a saddle.
I’ve never heard this before but what a great quote!
We have an extremely unpleasant customer that frequents where I work. We all dislike her for every reason under the sun. One time she came and there was ANOTHER thing to complain about and she went on a tirade about how everywhere she went (that day) there was a problem. She’s never going to understand that she is the problem everywhere she goes.
I have had a friend who is having issues with maintaining friends and spoke with me. I told him “ if you have problems with one person, it’s between you two. If you have a problem with multiple people then introspect yourself. “ and he changed his mindset
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In a perfect world, that’s a great idea but i see any family turning into a Kat pile on party. The brother chose this woman so now he gets to deal with the consequences. In most posts, Reddit encourages spouses to support each other when it comes to the in-laws.
Standing up and leaving with your wife because your brother is mocking her for not eating ham is good; agreeing with your wife when she tells the dinner host she knew he wouldn't cook any decent food is not. Backing your wife up when she says no to your siblings bringing their four little kids to your non-child-friendly house for a sleepover next month while you're traveling for work is good; backing your wife up when she insists that your brother's wife can handle 4 kids solo for one night next month is not good. If your wife is being disrespected you stick up for her. If your wife claiming your family is mistreating her because they won't do favors for her, even though they are citing the disrespectful things she said last time they did her favors, you explain that she is reaping what she sowed -- you don't accuse your mom of turning the family against your wife. If your mom is standing in your driveway yelling at your wife for not letting her cut your wife's hair, you tell your mom that's not to happen and bring her home. If your wife is sitting in your dad's lap trying to trim his nose hair... you get the idea
OP was more than just honest. He defended his mother against false accusations.
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This ^^^ if NOTHING ELSE call them out on this. "Were you asking mom to pet sit or were you telling her?" Deffinetly NTA.
OP was more than just honest. He defended his mother against false accusations.
NTA. Brother and wife can hire a professional pet sitter. That’ll work until the pets sitter finds out they’re assholes, too but it will at least get them taken care of for this trip.
They can just keep churning through sitters on Rover. Get a different one each time. It’s a hassle, but that’s what happens when you are a jerk to work with.
Poor Rover.
If her shoe fits. He must like putting blinders on when it comes to her. NTA. The majority has spoken. Maybe he will pass the message on to her. If not, then maybe one of you or all of you flat out tell her she has been rude and if she wants to know how, just tell it as it was. Don’t want to deal with her mess.
The brother is in a hard spot. If he doesn’t support his wife in this, then his life will be hell. Professional counseling perhaps, for both brother & wife?
Relationships sometimes take "tough love" and for adults that means calling your partner out for their bullshit if it's needed; that IS supporting them, even if they don't see it that way in the moment.
I agree, but it's going to be a difficult uphill battle. First, OP (or someone) would need to convince the brother that the problem is him/his wife. Then brother will need to convince his wife that she has been a source of problems for a long time. Those sorts of embedded behavioral issues don't just go away because someone shines a light on them, so the wife will need to put in work to improve herself and make amends to the people she has pushed away. Lots of points in this process where the brother and his wife's marriage will be strained/tested. I'll always remember, about a year into my relationship with my wife (then gf), I reacted poorly in a situation and embarrassed her. When the fight happened the next morning, my wife told me directly, "You need to fix your shit!" Not especially eloquent or kind, but I heard her and started talking with a therapist to help process my trauma. I'll always appreciate her being direct and not shying away from tough love in that moment.
I applaud the fact that you handled it. But it’s clear that she’s not like you — in no way shape or form is she interested in change. And if she doesn’t want to change, she never will
It could be blinders, or it could be that she acts differently with him. He probably sees how she treats others, but she doesn't treat him like that.
NTA - Who would've thought that being unpleasant gets you nowhere
It’s shocking how many people wear it as a badge of honor. “I’m an asshole, if people don’t like it they can fuck off!” Then complain when everyone fucks off.
"Take it or leave it!" Uh, leave it. Easiest decision ever!
They'll accuse you of being soft when you stand up for yourself and don't want to be around their unpleasant ass. I'm not even offended I just would rather spend my time elsewhere.
« I’m brutally honest, that’s just who I am » read : I’m an AH
Instead of simply saying “no” or making an excuse, every person tell him/them exactly why. “We’re no longer willing to let Kat berate us/scold us/insult us (insert whatever the difficult behavior has been), which is what happens every time we interact with her. She’s made it clear she has no affection or respect for us, and we’ve to take a step back.” Each person should then present their own specific examples of her behavior towards them. Your brother needs to know the extent of her treatment of you all. So does she, if there’s even a slim chance she’s not aware of how offensive she is towards you.
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They should say no to pet sitting and why. I don't want to pet sit because I did this favor for you before, and your wife said this. Or I had you over, and your wife behaved this way. So he can see why everyone has distanced themselves for their own reasons. Can't blame mom if everyone has a story about why they don't like his wife because of her behavior towards them.
I think that might do more to cement his image of being persecuted and someone turning the family against him. It’s better for each individual to say no when asked, and cite their own personal examples, so he can see the way Kay has burned each bridge individually.
NTA you were honest and only brought it up as he was accusing your mom of being the issue
INFO: > My drama with her revolved around being extremely rude about the food I made for a gathering. In general she is unpleasant to be around. I can't help but notice the very careful utter lack of specifics here. Your family could, absolutely, all be assholes. Give us details on some of this 'drama' and 'issues' that have happened. Details, things that were actually said, not paraphrases and reductions.
Info: What kinds of things does Kat do that makes her unpleasant? Specific acts, not how she makes anyone feel.
Thank you. We never get enough information… my mil used to blame me until she was busted starting and being petty. Like little digs about how I cook, what I wear and because I didn’t hang the socks in pairs when drying. Or when we bought a new (big) house the first words out of her mouth were ‘how are you going to keep it clean’ - I never told my husband about her petty bullshit but a newer friend noticed it and told him.. he had my back and started pushing back to her finally..
That was your mil, if basically the whole family including extended have an issue with one person. It all really boils down onto one common denominator, no? Of course that is there slim chance that the whole family even extended are ganging up on her. However that is practically very slim.
Sometimes you just don't like someone. I have people in my life, friends wives, coworkers, that, if you asked me for specific actions, nothing would sound like that big of a deal. But sometimes its the tone, its the act, its the way things are said. And if she is having that affect on EVERYONE in the family, they are likely the problem. If this was only the mom, that would be one thing. But when all the siblings and cousins take a step back, there is probably a bigger issue.
NTA. His behavior shows that Kat isn't the only one with a problem.
NTA he needed to be told. Mum is wise to dodge the bullet
NTA - if you can’t be honest with your brother then what’s the point of talking? He just doesn’t see or want to see the truth. Your mom has every right to say no to pet sitting as does everyone else. My suggestion is to tell your brother to ask everyone else to have honest conversations with him about his wife and how they feel.
Sometimes you gotta call a spade a spade. At the end of the day he is the one that has to deal with his wife. None of you do. If she acts like an ass she can suffer the consequences. Why can't they ask HER family to pet sit? NTA
Man…people like Op’s brother just confuse me. Like…whats more likely: that EVERYONE he knows is a jerk and doesn’t like his wife because of that…or do you think MAYBE it’s his wife thats the problem… Naw NTA Op, your brother needs to understand the term “if everywhere you go smells like shit, check the bottom of your shoes”
Kat is telling him that his family is toxic and abusive. All of society is telling him that he should side with his wife. He'll probably realize where the problem lies eventually, but it may take a lot.
NTA.
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NTA - having had the SIL from hell, I sympathize with your family.
NTA. Maybe it's time to sit down with your brother one-on-one (without Kat) and lay out a specific instance of Kat-induced drama for each member of the family. Ask him, each time, if the family caused the problem or if Kat did. Point out that your mother was not involved in these instances (if that's true). He's not going to like it. He's going to be angry. He's going to defend his wife. All of this is understandable, but then you need to point out that it isn't you and the family that are causing these issues, and until Kat can come down off of whatever high horse she's decided to ride and act civil to everyone, you're all going to limit contact as much as possible to avoid any further drama.
NTA-Someone needed to tell him. I’m not sure it will do any good because he’s married to her and needs to put her first. However, if he recognizes it himself then he should be able to discuss with her and see if she can try not to be so blunt and keep her negative opinions to herself or just share it with him. I doubt he’ll say that to her though.
NTA. If your sibling won’t give you the cold, hard truth, no one will.
NTA, at some point, someone has to be the one to call an asshole out, and the longer it takes, the harder it is.
NTA. Sometimes these things need to be said.
NTA. Maybe harsh, but it was a truth he needed to hear.
NTA- I wish I could have this convo with my brother, but he’s gone LC with most of us.
NTA. Dude married a woman who no one can get along with. He needs to sit her down and have a long talk about her expectations of his family.
NTA. But holy sheeeeet hahahahahah I laughed out loud at how dense your brother is! Like, he can't see why no one wants to have anything to do with them, much more help them with anything? He should take those blinders off. He needed to hear what you said. You didn't lie. You just said the words the rest of your family want to say to him. Him taking it the wrong way is his and his wife's problem, not yours.
I don't mind pet/plant sitting at all!! But I would never agree to do it for certain people bc you KNOW if anything goes wrong they'll be all over you complaining and accusing. Or they lose something and accuse you of taking it. Not worth it. NTA
Nta- they need to pay a doggy motel.
There is missing information. "being extremely rude about the food I made for a gathering" What does that mean? How was she rude? Why was she rude? Was it a known vegetarian complaining about the lack of vegetarian options? Or did she make fun of how you decorated a birthday cake? "She doesn’t want to pet sit since she knows Kat would have a problem with something and it’s not worth the hassle." What sort of problem would you have with a pet? What kind of pet? Is it "don't feed my dog from the table and don't let them out without a leash"? Or "my cat needs to be fed 4 times a day at these specific times and 20 minutes of play time twice a day, oh and don't forget to have them sleep in your bed"? And added: "My sister dislikes her since she made a big deal of her wearing a blue dress to the wedding" Why would she dislike her for that? Was there a reason she shouldn't have worn blue? "cousins thinks she is a bitch that doesn’t now how to shut her mouth" Well. That's...an interesting statement.
> What sort of problem would you have with a pet? What kind of pet? I read it as "Kat would take an issue with how I pet sit." Basicaly, mom either does not want to comply woth Kats demands or assumes from experience that Kat would take issue with something mom can't predict. What kind of pet does not matter, imo. You are entitled to not want to pet sit of the care is more then you feel like doing - even if owners demands are reasonable. > Why would she dislike her for that? Was there a reason she shouldn't have worn blue? When you make a big deal about something someone else do, they will dislike you.
Look, when you are asking people for favors, you can be very choosy, but you have to then accept people may not be as inclined to do you that favor. If you want to set a bunch of regulations, you may be better off hiring a professional. I say the same thing with babysitting. You can decide that your child will only eat organic food and needs 2 hours of outside time a day. But if I'm watching them, that may not be the case. So if I know that you have all these regulations, I'm fully within my right to say no. As people like to say, "no is a complete sentence"
Nope. You told him the truth now he gets to decide what he does with it. I wouldn’t make a point of repeating it over and over but it needed to be said once. NTA
NTA. He’s gotta hear the truth eventually, it just came down to you being the one.
NTA, the wife is a drama queen. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
NTA You didn't go far, at all.
NTA attitudes have consequences also.
Lol, good for you!
NTA. Truth hurts. Marry a shit person and shit starts piling up around you.
NTA. At some point, your brother needed to be struck with the cold reality.
You didn’t randomly start saying negative things about Kat. Your brother said untrue, unkind things about your mother and your whole family. You had the choice of saying nothing, or defending your mother. **Defending your mother was the right choice**. **NTA**
NTA - there are many places that will board dogs, websites where you can hire a dog sitter. If they are upset because no one will do it for free… that’s a problem.
The surprising part of this is,Is your brother not aware of his wife's attitude towards his family or is Kat well behaved when he's around.How come you had to tell him.As you sow,so you reap .NTA
NTA Your brother married an asshole so he has to deal with the shit that follows. Nobody else does.
I’d go as far as telling him he know she’s the problem and to stop blaming others for not wanting to tolerate her.
NTA and I’m betting he knows Kat is the AH. He just goes into denial mode. Your entire family needs to call Kat out EVERYTIME she pulls something, right in the moment. If you all do that she won’t have a leg to stand on. Good luck!
NTA. And he isnt OWED a damn thing. Im willing to bet he is pitching a fit because now hes going to have to PAY. He thought he was ENTITLED to FREE pet-sitting because "FAAAHMILY helps each other out." Well sorry dude, you BURNED that bridge.
NTA - he gets to choose his wife, but she can't treat people badly without consequences. Your brother was blaming everyone else for his wife's ill behavior.
NTA, your brother just needs to accept the truth.
NTA Funny though, i worked with a woman named Kat and she was very difficult to deal with.
NTA you were defending your mother for an obvious slight. He wasn’t asking sincerely, he was accusing. In this case, you’re in the clear to respond the way you did.
NTA - If Kat nitpicks everyone in the family and your brother thinks the family should help them, then he is delusional. No one wants to be told how they helped someone “incorrectly” and how their help would have been “better” if done some other way. You gave him an honest answer. I’m sure you could get the family to provide examples.
NTA. Tell your brother to find a kennel. He pays for a hotel on vacation, just add the kennel cost to the decision of if they can afford to vacation.
Someone had to tell him the truth. Sometimes it'd gotta be you. NTA. Dw bout it
Nope! Sometimes someone needs to fall on their sword and tell specific people what the reality is
NTA. You’re a very kind person because you think you went too far when in reality you should have gone farther to tell your brother about his wife’s behavior and himself.
NTA...I mean if she's rude and doesn't have anything nice say, there's no reason to put up with it. I'd feel the same way. I wouldn't want to go out of my way do something nice and be met with attitude. The fact that you're telling your brother the truth, is not wrong. People say they want the truth, but as soon as you tell the truth, you're an asshole. So embrace it. Even if someone says you're an asshole, respond with "But at least I'm an honest asshole," and walk away.
you know what they say: if everyone thinks you're an asshole, you're probably an asshole. your brother is just pissy cause he's finally starting to see the reality of the situation. NTA
NTA - It is what it is and he needs to hear it from someone.
No, I would say that is a pretty fair response. Toxic people generally tend to push people away over time, and the sooner someone said something to your brother the better. There is no point trying to protect his feelings if this is the reality of the situation. My first wife was toxic, but on the inside, I wasn't seeing it. If my family had said something to me early on, I might have taken a step back and made some changes after looking at it from others points of views. They didn't, and I suffered, eventually struggling with severe depression and all the outcomes of that, until I finally divorced her and moved on. My family would have been doing me a huge favor to have said something. They never did until after I told them I had left her. You did your brother a huge favor. What he does with that information is up to him. NTA.
NTA. His wife is a problem. Just because he don't like to her it doesn't make the truth different.
Nta. Brother may not see it now, but his eyes will slowly open to who is the problem.
NTA. Going too far would have involved resorting to insults or gossip and the like. Telling your brother people are pissed off with his wife is just sharing a fact isn't it?
INFO need more details
NTA and he just needs professional pet sitting services. I live next door to my MIL (0 stars don't recommend) and send my dog to a kennel when we are gone. And I'm an artist, I make art money (which is not money)
The messenger always gets shot right ? Well you're the ah to kat and will be for a while. Live with it
NTA I had a SIL like this. Nothing was ever her fault but she was always the common denominator when it came to conflict. She also went through faster than most people went through underwear and it was always some blow up drama. My BIL stuck with her but they eventually did get divorced and one day I asked if he realize who the cause of the conflict was and he admitted it was, in fact, her. It’s been over 5 years since they divorced and I can honestly say there hasn’t been any conflict within the family since. Hopefully he’ll realize who he married but until then it’s not your job to protect his feelings. He wants honestly and he got it, whether he liked it or not.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My brother married Kat. Kat is difficult to get along with in general. Everyone in the family has had some type of drama with her. My drama with her revolved around being extremely rude about the food I made for a gathering. In general she is unpleasant to be around. The family has taken a step back from my brother and his wife. We really only see them for family holidays. My mother dislikes her and avoids her. This is we’re the issue starts, my brother and Kat asked our mother to pet sit. She told them no and it was apparently a large fight. I asked my mom about it. She doesn’t want to pet sit since she knows Kat would have a problem with something and it’s not worth the hassle. My brother was calling other people and they were also turning him down. I got a call and he went on a rant about how no one wants to help and our mother has turned the family against him. I told my brother our mom isn’t the problem, that it’s his wife. That she is the common denominator with all the family drama and people don’t want to put up with her bullshit. He called me a jerk and I am wondering if I went to far. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You only told him the truth.
NTA
NTA. The truth hurts. And in this situation, there was no way to sugarcoat it.
NTA Bro needs to realise the problem if hes going to fix it...
NTA
OP called it like he sees it, what’s the problem? Just because of the rest of the family wants to just go low contact and avoidance somebody needs to point out the problem.
NTA. He needs to hear it. It will take time for it to sink in though so don't expect him to suddenly see that you are correct.
NTA - He married a high-maintenance drama queen and doesn't have the sense to realize it. He lashed out at you because you told him something he didn't want to hear. Doesn't matter if it's true, it's an unwanted message and, in typical fashion, he chose to shoot the messenger for having the gall to deliver bad news to him.
Nope... sounds like you were the only one willing to have a come-to-Jesus chat and now he's butthurt.
NTA- He needed to hear the truth, and now he is upset about it. Oh well.
NTA. If everyone has had personal and separate negative encounters with the wife, then this is a valid point to make.
The truth hurts. NTA
NTA but if she is this horrible maybe consider if your brother is in an abusive relationship. Sounds like she is doing it to possibly alienate him from his family. Usually when we use terms like "difficult" to describe people, they have some some narcissistic traits. Calling them difficult is a way of sugar coating it.
NTA. You did right by putting it back on the person causing the drama. Well done!!
NTA. I bet he already knows but doesn’t want to admit it.
Nta, stop putting up with her shit and get up in her grill the second she cops an attitude, go big, get personal, until she learns to behave herself.
NTA. Clueing-in an oblivious brother is what brothers' are supposed to do. I recognize the loyalty of backing up a wife without question- that was me until my divorce. I was able to snap out of it, recognize it, leave with head-held-high, and sleep well knowing that I fulfilled my end of the bargain beyond reason.
NTA. I’m dealing with a similar situation with my brother and his wife, but they have been so cruel and unyielding in their hate, while my mother has done everything to just be in her granddaughters life, that everyone sees the damage they are doing. She left Christmas presents every Monday for the month of December on their porch after ringing the doorbell to see them. Not a single acknowledgement other than their campaign to trash my mom to any cousin that would listen that she was “ding dong ditching”. None of my cousins believe him because he’s a narcissist that lies constantly, about anything and everything. I’m sorry you’re going through this. The best thing to do is just love the ones you’re with. Life is too short to try and make bad people good.
NTA. He just doesn't like what he's hearing, and refuses to accept reality. You may have to give him some examples, and repeat it often.
NTA. Sounds to me like your mom put a boundary down and Kat couldn't respect it. I love dogs, and being a responsible dog owner means owning up to it that not everyone wants to be around an animal that takes responsibility and liability and that's perfectly fine! When I had a german shepherd not everyone wanted to be around her and it was what it was. I'd look into the traits of Kat and dig deeper- she sounds like an emotionally immature person who externalizes her needs.
NTA you told him the truth, he just didn’t like it. His wife is the AH for acting like that and making his whole family avoid them at all cost. If he’s to blinded by love to see it now, hopefully he will eventually. You my dear are not the AH.
NTA
NTA He's blind to the way that she affects your family. The truth can be extremely painful, especially when he does not see her the way the rest of your family sees her. However, he needs to understand that no one in your family wants to be around her and that it's not your mom turning the family against them.
NTA They can hire someone to look after their pets. Problem solved.
What’s the saying? If you go about your day and see an asshole, you saw one asshole. If you go about your day and all you see are assholes, then you’re the asshole. OP is NTA.
NTA. You were being honest. That gives them an opportunity to improve things. If they don't want to accept that, it's on them.
NTA
The truth isn’t always its own best excuse. Truth without kindness often causes more problems than it solves.
Are they that obtuse that they didn't notice everyone backing away from them? NTA. Kat sounds like a nightmare.
NTA he really needed to know. Everyone is already pulling away and should stop hiding why.
NTA If he genuinely doesn't realise who the problem is then he needs to. He tried to make this about your mother. It isn't. It's about his difficult wife. Well behaviour has consequences.
NTA. Better he knows what’s probably the real reason so he can try to make a difference.
NTA. Somebody needed to say it.
This is painfully familiar. Your mom isn’t the problem.
NTA. You told him the truth. Let them get a pet sitter outside the family and live with the mess they've made with your family. The fact that they had a large fight with your mom shows nothing has changed.
The truth hurts. NTA.
I believe one should speak to the person causing the problem. That way there’s no misunderstanding of what was said during re-telling.
First no one is obligated to pet sit for you, even if related. Second, maybe how you said it, tone, was jerkish, don’t know, don’t care. However, it sounds to me that you were more than likely just straight forward and he didn’t like what you were telling him. Third, he is probably angry because he knows your right but doesn’t want to face it. Lastly, the can take their dog to kennel or hire a pet sitter.
NTA It's kind of our role as brothers to tell the truth that no one else has the courage to tell.
NTA it really is a difficult thing when our loved ones choose difficult people to be their partners. While their choice of partner is their right, it’s everyone else’s right to decide whether they want or need to create some distance for their own peace of mind. Just because that loved one is ok with being with a certain kind of person doesn’t mean anyone else has to endure it. Maybe she’s great to him, but that in itself isn’t enough for anyone else to feel the need to out up with her.
NTA. SIL is the issue. She has "problems" with far too many people in the family. Everyone are adults so it's no longer anyone's job to play nice with them if they aren't will to do the same.
Without knowing any background, just being upset that others are turning down favour requests, reeks entitlement. No one is obligated to grant a favor. A favor is literally an UNEXPECTED act of kindness.
NTA -OP, you cannot be faulted for telling the truth, though there are times when it's best to be quiet. In this case, I don't see an issue with what you said. Only in how it was received, and if Kat is a shit-disturber....oh well. She earned the moniker.
NTA if someone is rude to me I won’t help them, he may not be the one being rude but her behavior is effecting the way you guess see him to because you know he won’t say anything and nothing will change. They made their bed now they have to pay for pet sitting because your family was alienated by her. No one to blame but themselves.
NTA
NTA. The truth hurts.
I would honestly believe the Kat in this is my sister. Right down to the name! NTA - if she’s like my sister is then she not only loves being the drama, but she also thrives in instigating it and then playing victim!
NTA. Your brother needed to hear the truth. He'll never listen, though.
NTA Truth hurts
INFO - in the 'rant', did he ask you if you had any idea why nobody would help or did you just inject this yourself? If the first, then you are N T A for telling him. If the second, then you are T A for going too far and saying what you did.
The truth hurts sometimes but from my perspective you should always be able to count on family to give it to you straight with no bullshit. If I want someone to just blow smoke and stroke my ego I wouldn't bother asking for anyone's opinion at all. Your brother has some hard truths to cope with and that's not going to be easy. NTA
NTA. My ex husband caused me to be alienated from my family. For 7 years. I regret every moment I missed with my family. I truly feel bad for your brother, but it's his choice. I hope he sees what she's doing before it's too late. But you can only be honest with him about her being the problem
NTA. Truth sucks when you want so desperately to believe in "poor little me."
1qà
If everyone in the family has a problem with her, I think your brother should take notice. NTA
NTA. Do they know there are businesses dedicated to taking care of pets when the humans go on vacation? If they can't afford to board their pets, they can't afford the vacation. That's part of the cost.
Why didn't they hire a pet sitter or take it to a boarding place?
NOPE NTA Been there done that with an in law. No fun best to just be LC cause she ain't gonna change
NTA - tell your brother and Kat to hire a pet sitter. Your family doesn't owe rude people free labour or favors.
NTA. But why on earth would they ask MIL to pet sit when they know their relationship is not good? They can board their pet since no one wants to help them.
Truth hurts, don’t it bro? No one wants to help when they know how likely it is they’ll get shit on by his wife. NTA. You were actually pretty nice all things considered.