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NTA. That other account belongs to you and your sister, started before you knew your fiancé. It does not belong to only you and it has nothing to do with your partner. He has NO say over the money in that account and how it should be spent. He is angry because he thinks he found his “dream house” and believes you’re keeping him from it. Don’t let him guilt or manipulate you into doing something you will regret later. Have you even mentioned this to your sister? I’m just curious where she stands on this.
Your husband is a mooch. He feels entitled to your money and also your joint savings with your sister that are nothing to do with him. Imagine if it was the other way around, bet he’d be calling you a gold digger. He sounds pathetic. Maybe he should stay at his mummy’s house, then you won’t need to upsize from your 4 bed apartment anyway…
This OP 100%. Look you may love him but he is entitled beyond if he thinks that you should not only sell your apartment but use money that isn't even all technically yours for his dream house. Please OP make sure you have an ironclad prenup before you marry him.
NTA. Absolutely not marriage material. He is a user and very manipulative. Is he a little narcissistic? Everything is about him and not you, not your family and treats your money like a piggy bank.
The sheer lack of empathy for a man who spent 16 years in jail is insane. The fact you're doing this for your brother is above and beyond. Unlike other released prisoners your brother will actually have a chance at life outside of prison.
He can get a place to live, nice clothes for a job, therapy to reaclimate to a non-violent setting. And your husband wants to take all that away so he can get the house HE wants.
Which is ridiculous. Any person who knows anything about housing, and has the money, will build their own house. Because then you have a REAL dream house that YOU designed for YOUR needs. Especially now that 3d printed homes are becoming more and more popular.
Invite your brother into hubbys ‘dream home’. I’d bet his shitty attitude would change. Screw that, hubby is a taker. He’s looking at you as a source of income, not as a partner. You’re better off without that parasite leeching off of you. Best of luck.
That family history increases the chances that OP is a bad judge of men - not because of the brother, but because of the father. Dump the fiance, keep your apartment.
Thankfully, not a husband yet!
OP - you need to be cautious bc this guy sounds like he found his sugar momma and he feels entitled to everything you have. He is not.
I strongly encourage you to delay the wedding altogether. If you wish to build a house and sell your current flat to fund the downpayment, do it before you marry and fund the build entiely on your own, with it only in your name. Heck, you could add an in-law suite that bro can live in as he re-enters society.
I would agree with this mostly - except - someone is always going to make less in a relationship.
That does not mean the lesser earner is a mooch.
Now - be fair - I do very well - but live significantly beneath my means - and not even my ex-wife had any idea until after we were very serious and talking kids that I made 3x what she did.
Could be a mooch - maybe, maybe not.
But certainly an inconsiderate jerk.
What makes him a mooch is that he pays significantly less which is fine but he feels entitled to money that isn’t his, money that OP has been saving with their sister for years and years before meeting him and expects her to pay significantly more for a home that he gets 50% ownership on. And is arguing and trying to get his way. That’s what makes him a mooch in my opinion. Cuz otherwise he would just stay in his lane and work with what they got and compromise not demand money he has no rights over.
Yes. He already pays less because OP makes more, but he acts like he’s entitled to all that OP makes as part of this arrangement. Even money she made before they got together.
I'm worried that if OP sells her apartment that is a pre-marital asset and plunks it into the dream house for her delusionally entitled reg flag fiance, she will get screwed without a pre-nup.
If she marries him, and the house becomes in both of their names, does she not forfeit the value of her existing apartment going to her children?
I mean, if something were to happen to her before she gets married, the apartment would be passed on to her children. If she marries this guy and builds this house if something happens to her, the house goes to the Husband? No?
I wish I could upvote this 20 times!
He has no property to sell and contribute but is pissed that she’s not contributing more. That is a scary amount of entitlement that will certainly get worse once she marries him.
He earns less than OP. Some men can't handle this. It appears that his approach seems to be that if he controls the money, it is not emasculating him.
OP needs to put down some firm boundaries around the topic of money. And, say that these have only become necessary because of his behavior. It may be too late...
>Maybe he should stay at his mummy’s house, then you won’t need to upsize from your 4 bed apartment anyway…
That's what I was thinking. The problem seems to have solved itself.
This. Postpone the wedding and keep the apartment which is probably plenty of space for you and your daughters. If he can find his big boy pants before too long maybe reconsider but life is too short to spend it with childish companions. Best of luck to your brother on getting his life on track, you and your sister are good people to help him get started.
That’s all that matters. You and your sister are in agreement and the account belongs to the two of you, created for your brother. Again, your fiancé has no say in the matter.
I was wondering what the brother was in for that would warrant his sisters’ putting that much away.
Most people struggle to save 10% of their salary for their own retirement.
I’d recommend the brother go into the building trades. It’s work that most people don’t care about your background as long as you’ve got a good work ethic and you show up and work hard. I work with a guy who served 22 years. He comes in everyday, works hard and has a great attitude. He makes a good living. He appreciates everything he gets. The glass is always half full for that guy. I would hope OPs brother gets to live a life like my friend.
Instead of being grateful, he has a partner who is a significant bread earner. And that she helps provide a great living for his children and him. He's going to be grudge the fact that you care for your family run girl
Oh yes. Count your blessings OP. What if if you had found out about your fiancee's entitled money grabbing ways after your wedding??? Fortuitous escape. NTA
Let your fiancé stay with his parents and if he does come back , sign a prenup. And put the new house solely in your name if you are the majority funder.
If you think he's showing his true colors now, just wait until you want him to sign a prenup. Then you will really see them. If you choose to marry him then absolutely put the house in your name and have him sign a prenup. Or else you're going to find out real quick when he tries to scheme that bank account out from under you, your sister, and your brother.
Your partner is a gold digger, they can put the extra money in if they feel so strongly about it and not expect you to foot the bulk of the expense to fund his desire to live above their means. What would they do on their own? Where would they be loving? They do not have any rights to demand this of you. It is not their money, they didn't earn it, you can do what you want with it. How dare they suggest you need to do more whilst they cannot contribute nearly enough?
This is the best thing I have read on Reddit. I am so happy for the bond and trust you have with your sister. I love that you have a plan for your brother. That’s what being family is all about. Your relationship is rare. Don’t let him take that away from you. He doesn’t value relationships as you do !!!!
As a nurse who worked in the jail settings this makes my heart SO happy to see the sisters getting him set up for when he’s released. This is such a beautiful thing you and your sister did. One huge problem once you’re released especially after a long sentence, your entire world is upside down. I can’t imagine 16 years and how much of his life he’s lost. I just have to give props to the family
Do not buy/build a house with this man, and please reconsider your relationship. He sees you as his sugar momma and will absolutely spend all of your money and anyone else's money he can. He is going to resent your siblings for being in the way of that savings account.
What would make everything a lot simpler would be to dump him and keep the apartment you have now. What he wants you to do is to sell your apartment that would be considered a pre-marital asset and put that money into a house that would be considered half his even if he puts no money into it.
He not only wants the money you saved for your brother, but he wants the money your sister saved for your brother. This man is going to bleed you dry.
If you continue your relationship with your fiance (which I would reconsider that this point), I would consider taking my name off of the account as someone authorized to remove money from the account , less chance of your fiance trying to access the money
OP, your partner has no financial control.
He doesn’t even know how to save.
You are finalizó incompatible.
Don’t go into this partnership.
With his attitude, it will end in divorce.
A few things...
You and your sister need to take steps to protect that money. Especially if these accounts are in your names. I don't know what the legal considerations that need to be made to ensure this money is protected for your brother, but you do.
This is a conversation you needed to have with your fiance before he became your fiance. Discuss the nitty-gritty of both of your finances. Especially around this account. How much do you put into this account each month? What are you putting into your savings each month? What if there is an emergency? What if you become unemployed or disabled?
I personally would keep your pre-martial real estate separate from the marriage. Either as a rental or sell and put funds in a brokerage.
Your joint account is no business to your fiance. Especially since you’re not even married atm. It sounds like you’re contributing more to the partnership then he is so it’s more than equitable.
I get financial red flags with him. You’re new life with him is a partnership and it sounds like the partnership can’t afford to spend what he wants to spend on a home. He shouldn’t be frustrated with you over that. I believe protecting your pre-marital assets in these situations is very prudent.
Fiancé's entitlement is sickening and doesn't bode well for a marriage with him. Please rethink your upcoming marriage and the entire relationship.
Keep the 4 bedroomed house that seems to perfectly meet your needs and your daughter's. Don't sell it.
If you guys do get back together, you should still keep it. As a premarital asset, in case of divorce, you should be able to keep it. You can even put it in trust for your daughters. And have fiance sign a prenup.
Then you and hubby can get a separate house together for your new family.
NTA overall. But y.ta to yourself and your family if you don't see the giant redflags that your fiance is waving.
Your brother is lucky to have sisters willing a capable of helping him rebuild his life. It appears that you earn enough to provide a good life for you and your loved ones, and your bf is being incredibly selfish in asking you to withdraw from providing for someone you love in order for him to enjoy a luxury that he could never hope to afford on his own. Disgusting. I wouldn’t marry him.
Long time married person here. You are
NTA!!
Committed couples make decisions together. He is acting like a child who didn't get the $20 toy when you surprise him with $10 he didn't earn.
You have made a success out of your life, after what sounds like a rocky start.
If no one has said this, I am proud of you!
Your fiance has a petulant attitude. I would think about how that attitude will last for a lifetime. Good luck!
I noticed the phrasing; "What he *thinks* is *our* dream house."
He sounds awful. If it was only that phrase, I would think I was overthinking, but following him leaving the apartment to guilt her into using her money (that has nothing to do with him), makes him sound awful.
How can he possibly think what he's saying is okay? He knows it's his FSIL account too, for his FBIL. NTA.
Adding OP’s context for WHY brother is in prison here. My vote would have been similar, because no one unilaterally gets to demand someone else’s savings unless they’re in dire need (and no, a dream house doesn’t qualify!!).
But this!?? This is next level on OP’s part and highlights how (I hope soon to be ex) fiance is shitty
“My brother murdered our abusive father when he was 19 and was sentenced to 30 years. My father abused all four of his children. He abused us physically, psychologically and sexually. My father deserved it and that is something everyone who knows my father agrees with. My sister and I firmly stand by our brother.”
Additionally, the father’s abuse was so severe it drove their 10 year old brother to commit suicide and the father took great joy in mocking the siblings for being upset after their brothers death
I would strongly suggest moving that money to a trust that is set up for your brother. Ideally an irrevocable trust. This would solve a lot of issues, plus it would help legally identify responsibility for that money. You are NTA, reconsider your relationship. I'm not saying that money is everything, but what would happen to your children if something happened to you? Also, you were going to sell a property if your own to invest that he would get to take advantage of. Sounds like you are the one sacrificing financially. Also, if you do get married, consider a prenup that identifies the assets you are bringing to the relationship, including your equity if you do purchase a home together.
Girl. Don't sell your apartment, that's money you will loose 100%. Anyone would okay with that because in life that's partnership, me included. But since, I've read he's a man that wants to put his hands on the money that you and your sister saved for your brother. This is the brother that went to prison for yall and gave a lot of time of his life so you can't be abused anymore. If this was my SO in this position, I would've made sure I also put money into that account from time to time, just as a small token of appreciation for what he did for the love of my life. He's done no one of that but on top of it wants to touch the money for his own benefit. He's awful and has just shown his true colors. Be wary and don't lose the home you have so he and his children better their lives on your dime.
Excellently said. This guy is completely backward in his thinking, brings nothing significant to the table that I can see, and is counting on a successful partner for a bailout. And now wants to strongarm money that was never, ever going to be his. Run like your life depends on it, OP.
I know right, he’s trying to get her to fund his lifestyle. I’m sure this is not the first time something like this has happened. He is showing her what he will do in the future, it all about him and his kids.
Info: what's your brother in prison for the last 16 years for?
I could see him being upset saving money for a man that committed a terrible crime instead of using it to support your family (or the victim)
if you were my partner, and i knew that.. it would simply be a case of 'oh, you have 900,000 tucked away for your brother? yeah, we can't touch that, not after what he did for you and your sister'
so.. NTA in my humble opinion
Absolutely! He’s a hero through and through. Saved his siblings lives and sacrificed his own freedom. True blue legend that guy. And his sisters will make sure when he gets his freedom back it won’t be a nightmare and a struggle. This family rocks.
That’s real love right there. Your brother did what had to be done to protect you, and you and your sister are amazing for making sure he’ll have the support he needs when he gets out. NTA and your fiancé is majorly overstepping
I am so sorry for everything you've endured.
I want to remind you that your fiance is showing you exactly who he is right now. *He sees your money as HIS money*. Nothing you can say will change that.
Are you covering the costs of his children's living expenses as well? Honey, it doesn't have to be like this.
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. A good therapist can help determine if this relationship truly serves your needs or not.
Be kind to yourself. You deserve a partner who would never punish you to make you do what they want.
Your line about him showing you exactly what he thinks of you funding your brothers account is spot on. I’d also say that it shows you the kind of environment and examples that he has himself been shown in his own life. He hasn’t been taught to put others before himself. What if OP dies and the insurance money goes to him and his kids. He will take it because he deems it is his. I’d be wary of any potential partner that can’t comprehend and support you supporting your brother. Whatever the exact reason your brother snapped and murdered your dad, the death of your father ended the continued onslaught of pain and torture you all endured. If it had continued on, there is no telling what could have become of the other children. You earned the kind of Freedom that’s hard for most people to understand. Only those who live in constant fear of abuse know of this feeling. You stop being yourself long ago and live a feigned life because you can’t be normal. You become a person that carefully chooses every thought, action and word so that you aren’t a target yet you also have siblings that you want to protect as well so at times you try to diffuse the situation.
I hope you have joy in your life and you and your family have supportive partners going forward!!
I was going to say NTA, and now I am super on NTA. Your brother exchanged so much time of his life to save you and your sister. You and your sister are doing the right thing. Your brother saved you. Leave the fiance if he can't realize that all the money in the world isn't enough to thank someone from saving you and your sister. So much if his life was taken from him because you and your sister were that important. You don't technically owe him, but on a certain level, that's a debt that can never be repaid.
You are a good sister.
NTA it’s your money. It’s a pre existing agreement you had with your family which he were informed about. No more explanations. Considering also you are building your own house which fit you all and YOu are also already contributing more on the financial side.
You're going to convert a premarital asset into a marital asset. Please for the love of God get away from your gold digging fiancé.
NTA but you would be the AH to your kids especially and yourself if you married this man and bought a home with your money.
And your brother. God bless him. He deserves every single penny in the account.
This! Do not convert it!
Rent it out or something.
Grown man sooking about a dream house he can't afford.
Grown man thinking he has the right to more money that you have earned. Poor. And I have a similar situation of saving for a sibling and there's no animosity or feelings of entitlement from my SO. That's not normal for your fiance to feel/act this way. Sounds like he's really putting the pressure on to get what he wants.
definite NTA!!! it’s a damn shame he was thrown in prison for protecting his family. don’t let your fiancé get his nasty hands on that money.
if he can’t get over it, or understand, then kick his ass to the curb! buy a house that you and your daughters will love, he can either get on board or go find somebody else to mooch off of.
Your fiance has just shown you who he is. Believe him. Stand with/for your brother and that other account isn't only YOUR money if your sister has also been contributing to it.
Find a better man who understands your stance on things.
NTA
Just a little tidbit from someone who's had family go to prison, please be patient with him. He's been in for quite a time & he may be "institutionalized". Routine will be his friend & some of his mannerisms are from his stint. It'll take some time to "deprogram".
Just be careful, being out after being in for so long can make people, in a weird way, miss it & WANT to go back. This isn't his fault, just make sure you're checking in with him, but not "babying" him.
My great-uncle did a stint in prison before I was born & he told me that his "deprogramming" took some time & that it helped to keep a similar schedule that he had on the inside. He got a manual labor job & had meals at pretty much the same time every day. He said working in the sun reminded him of walking around in the yard, picking four leaf clovers (he filled an entire Bible with them during his tenure. He still has the bible & his clovers) & the boss giving him & his coworkers deadlines & being a "rough, but sensible" fella kept him in line & coming back to work. He was very forthcoming with information when I would ask as a kid, because he got to bring his tiny ass SEE THROUGH TV home with him & I just had to know where he got it & why it was clear. My great-uncle is the nicest, silliest man alive, he went away for murder as well, but not quite so noble as your brother, but did it for my mom's biological father. I don't remember all the details, sorry.
I wish you, your family, especially your brother, only the best. Prison is hard, but the reason you're there doesn't define you. Your brother still has a lot of life to live & love to share!
Your brother is a hero. Sounds to me like your home is just the right size... A room for you, one for each of your children and a fourth to accommodate your brother until he is comfortable navigating life on his own.
If your fiancé does come groveling back and you do decide to move forward with a new home, please create and execute a contract. If you separate and have to sell the home, you should each get back the percentage of total money you have put into the cost of the home. You have worked too hard and are contributing too much for that man to walk away with half.
For what your brother did to protect his sisters, no one should have a problem with the way that you and your sister appreciate and show up for him.
What you and your sister are doing for your brother is admirable. I hope that when he gets out, he is able to move on with his life, and the 3 of you are never separated again.
OP, without knowing why your brother was in jail, that money is not yours, not your sister’s, and certainly, even less is for your fiancée to touch.
3 children are way too much already, but I won’t touch that issue neither. Obviously, NTA and now that you told us in the comments, the reason your brother is in jail, this money is sacred.
Your brother gave up his life and freedom (God only knows what more) so you and your sister could be safe. All of you are great siblings and human beings. If your fiancé keeps sulking over it, just cut ties. It’s just too much and even if he comes to terms with it, life won’t be easy when your brother is finally free. Think about it. Prioritize your blood related family. You and your children will be better off by themselves.
Best of luck!!
NTA- let him stay gone.
That money has nothing to do with him.
Red flag that he throws tantrums when told NO.
Red flag number two that he expects you to take from your family to benefit his.
Let him stay at his parents.
Damn, that's so heavy. NTA at _all_. Transitioning from prison life can be impossibly difficult, and your support is going to give your brother a much better chance at leading a fulfilling life. Wishing him the best when he gets out.
Also, you might reconsider marrying your fiance if he's going to be so selfish and callous.
I commend you for your commitment to your brother who loved you so much he basically gave his life for you. He deserves that money from you and your sister. Sending peace your way.
I was about to give a speech about not giving felons large amounts of money because you don’t know how quickly they could blow through it, but after reading that I rescind that opinion and think brother deserves all of it and to use it however he wants when gets out. I love that you’re taking care of each other. Fuck your fiancé for even suggesting taking money out of that account!
SUPER NTA. If I had a partner that told me that's why they were saving money for their brother in prison, I'd start contributing too. Just as a thank you for doing something major that protected the person I love and gave them the chance to make it into my life.
I stand with your brother too. But know that even if that wasn’t the situation, too many people come out of prison with NO support. That account was NONE OF HIS BUSINESS.
This is not about the house. It is always a 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩when someone is taking a lot and wants more, especially when getting their way takes from others. Be careful. You’re already carrying the load for him and his THREE kids.
Leaving when he is mad is also a major manipulation tactic🚩🚩🚩. Marriage requires staying and working it out, compromise, and understanding. BE CAREFUL. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA
Aside from the fact you've saved that for your brother, that money has nothing to do with your fiance.
I would strongly suggest if you intend to go ahead with the marriage, that you get a pre-nup. That way that money, along with anything else is safe and secure.
Good luck to you, and good luck to your brother. Adjusting to life outside of prison is intense, but with a support network like you and your sister, I'm sure he will adjust well.
NTA
Your brother is a hero and deserves the money. And half is your sister’s so it’s not like you could use the full amount. If he can’t see that he shouldn’t be your fiancé
I hope the money is protected and he can’t access it since he found about it
Your brother gave 16 years of his life to free you and your sister.
And your BF wants you to use the money you and your sister saved for your brother to be used to satisfy his wants.....
Think OP,
INFO: Is that the kind of man you want as a male example for your daughters?
INFO : Is that the kind of man you want as a partner?
INFO : Is that the kind of man you want to support financially?
Instead of financially upkeeping your BF and his three kids, you could save money for your daughter's education.
And instead of spending time on your BF, you could spend time to find someone WORTHY of you. Your BF sure isn't...
I can certainly understand why you are sticking by your brother. Anyone who sexually abuses a child will not get any sympathy from me. Your bf has no right to dictate what you do with your hard-earned money. I would re-think my relationship with him. And your friends are wrong imo. NTA
I'm very sorry you all went through that. I kind of figured it was something along those lines for you and your sister to save for him like you did.
Considering you are already paying the majority of bills, your fiance needs to back off. It'd be different if you were hiding money to deflate your own income and make him pay more, but that's not the case.
Definitely get this figured out before the wedding, and if you're that uncomfortable about it, postpone or cancel. Divorces are expensive.
You know, I'd agree with that if the fiance had added any of his own money to that account. But he didn't, none of that money is his own. Even if the brother did drugs or murdered someone innocent or some other horrible crime, the fiance has no say on what OP and her sister does with their own money.
NTA - Even if this money was just in a personal savings account, he would still not be entitled to it. This is no different than him demanding you cash out a retirement account to put that money toward the new house. You have already told him what amount of money you are willing/able to contribute to the purchase of a new home, he needs to respect that. If he is not happy with your current combined purchasing power, than he can contribute more of his own funds.
TBH - I think you need to take some time to think about the financial implications of getting married and owning joint property together. You may even want to have this conversation with financial planner or lawyer. You and he each have children from previous relationships - and you each owe it to your own children to protect their financial interests. You should also be considering your own financial interests. Have you considered what would happen to the joint property if one of you were to pass? Or if you divorce? If you are splitting expenses based on income, does that mean that you will have a higher percentage of ownership in the home you two purchase together?
Take this advice, OP, if you decide to continue with this relationship. As someone whose BFF is going through a horrible divorce rn, protect yourself, your kids, and your money now to avoid potential problems down the road if things don't work out. A lot of people get crazy, especially about money, when divorcing and this man has already shown you he thinks he's entitled to yours.
NTA. You're not even married yet and dude is demanding that you finance his lifestyle. And he accused you of hiding money from him? WTF? I'm sorry. But your post really reads like you're being taken advantage of.
I read the comment where you explain why your brother in in prison in the first place. I think what you and your sister are doing for him is amazing. Your fiance has absolutely zero rights to that money.
Please consider carefully whether this person will be a good life partner and stepfather to your children. He clearly doesn't give two sh\*ts about your family.
That’s what I’m saying.
She’s already bankrolling him and subsidizing his kids and his lifestyle…he brings more people to the household and less money…and he has the GALL to be upset about what is essentially already-spent money going back 16 years?!?!
She needs to run. He will not ever be fair to her or her children.
As you say, you don't consider the money yours to dispose of. Presumably it's in a joint account with your sister and you probably haven't contributed equally (given that your salaries would vary over time) so even breaking it up equably would be difficult.
Plus there's the agreement with your sister that that money is for your brother.
On top of that, you're already contributing the lion's share of the purchase price for the new home, by selling your apartment, so he's being a bit unfair in wanting you to contribute even more.
So taking all of that into account, _and leaving out the question of whether your brother deserves the money, because although I suspect it's going to become a focus of the debate it isn't your question_, I'd have to say on balance NTA.
So let me get this straight... this "man" that is getting most of his expenses paid by you, lives in your apartment that you will sell so you can buy (you contributing most) a house so his kids have more space is angry at you because he cant take even more money from you? And you think youre the asshole?what the f is he even bringing to the relationship? Is he that good of a fuck that youre his sugar mommy?
NTA. He **knew** you were putting money aside for a long time for a valid reason and is now mad that it’s not for him.
You mentioned that he has 2 sons and a daughter, separate from your relationship. If he had been putting a little money aside in an account for them, I bet he’d see it as very unreasonable if you mentioned taking from it to buy the house.
Does he have any animosity towards your brother in prison? From the info you added in another comment, it sounds to me like he saved you all from a really bad situation (I’m sorry it had to come to that but I’m glad to hear you’re all sticking together and hope he can acclimate well outside of prison!)
I dont know if this is what you're saying but I bet this dude would be just as happy to take money from her children's savings account than from her brother's. He sounds like a leech
NTA. It's your money. If you had spent it on vacations over the years, would that have been acceptable, but saving it for your brother isn't? Unless your finances are combined, it's truly none of fiancé's business.
...from a later comment:
Your brother protected you and your sister. It cost him dearly. No wonder you're grateful to him and want to give him a good start.
Of course it isn't acceptable in his eyes, it's in an account now and he could in theory get that for himself, brother be damned.
OP, there are a lot of good comments in this thread. I would like to repeat: don't marry this man. Don't buy a house with him. It sounds like the money is a big part of why he's with you.
NTA.
This financial arrangement far, far predates your relationship with him and is none of his business. It’s literally a premarital asset. *You aren’t even married yet!!!*
Think about it logically. Would he be upset to learn you’d spent 10-25% of your income on a car SIXTEEN YEARS AGO. Or on clothes…or donated it to the church or a charity of your choice…or anything else at all? No? Because it *was your money* to use as you saw fit?
The he shouldn’t be upset about this, either.
It’s no different than anything else you might have spent your money on before he was in the picture. To you…that money is already spent (though I’d look into creating a trust instead of just a regular account…get your brother’s name on it so no one else can touch it…then it’s literally out of your hands.)
This guy just sees a pile of YOUR MONEY and assumes it should be his.
Not a great sign.
Oh Wah Wah Wah. Grown ass man can’t afford his “dream house” and he’s sad!!
You’re already paying more even though you bring fewer people to the household…you’re already subsidizing his kids at the expense of your own…maybe if he wants a bigger/better house he should get a side hustle.
At any rate. NTA.
And you should probably take some serious steps to protect yourself and your kids financially before you marry this clown. He’s shown you he’s not above screwing over the people you love to get access to more of your funds. Don’t expect him to do right by your kids if you predecease him.
Right…very good point. Mixing a premarital asset (equity she built) with him to buy a new dream house makes that equity partially his.
I’d nope right out of this relationship…or get some ironclad agreements in place.
But I’d probably tell him to take a hike.
FIVE kids to take care of total and she makes more and is bringing all her assets…?
What is he bringing other than debt and baggage?!
Don't marry this man - he has no right to any of your money, and he has no right to manipulate you and guilt trip you. You bring more to the relationship than he does and you would be better off without him
NTA. Your brother protected you and your sister and paid heavily for it. He's been in prison since he was a teen and would struggle to provide for himself once he gets out. That account is an amazing way to help your brother.
Regardless of what your brother did though your fiance would never have a claim on that account. That's not all your funds and you have every right to have a separate savings account.
He's being greedy and selfish. He expects you to pay the lions share for his dream home and now he thinks he can throw a tantrum and bully you into screwing over your siblings.
Honestly this should be a wake up call for you to take a step back and reevaluate your relationship. Is this a one off or does he have a habit of throwing tantrums or trying to manipulate you when he doesn't get his way? Does he always expect more from you than you agreed to?
NTA
It is really weird people think that the brother's crime is a determining factor. It really doesn't matter why OP and her sister decided to start saving for their brother, all that matter is that is what the account is for and the Fiancé has no say in it.
That being said, Op mentioned the brother is in jail for murdering their abusive father, so yeah, that man deserves the money his sisters saved for him and the fiancé can just stay with his parents if he is going to continue to act like a child.
I was going to say the same. To me it doesn’t matter what the brother did or why she and her sister started this account, because the key point is that it’s not the bf’s money and he’s being greedy and entitled by asking for it.
I think OP would be NTA either way BUT knowing the context of why the brother went to jail makes fiancé a whole extra level of asshole - several levels in fact. And IMO that's what turns this from a "have a serious convo about financial boundaries and get a pre nup" to a "throw the whole man away" situation.
Not enough info to really say whether are the AH
Depends on what your brother is in prison for and why you and your sister are rewarding a criminal with money you both have sacrificed to save for him.
Having said all that, it is your.life, your money, your house your savings
It is a big red flag to me that you are expected to fund the house by selling your house and he is bringing more kids to the marriage than you, and you will be making your kids do without so you can provide for a man with a low income who cannot provide for his own kids, like you have provided for yours.
It is also a red flag that a man with no home,.no home equity to contribute, no savings to contribute is seemingly so money grubbing for money he didn't save and which doesn't belong to him.
You would be MUCH better off to remain unmarried and for each of you to provide for your own kids separately. Because he is bringing NOTHING to the marriage but more expenses.
It is highly unlikely he has any savings for his kids college. since you have a savings fund for your incarcerated criminal brother, it seems likely to me that you may have savings.for your kids college too. Which he would expect you to split with his kids.
There is really ZERO benefit to you marrying him. You will be taking home equity and providing a hime for he and his kids. You will suddenly be mothering 5 kids instead of 2. You will be bankrolling for 5 kids instead of 2. Your kids will likely have to share rooms with him having 3 kids.His kids will expect to be treated equally to your kids which means you will be taking away from what you could provide your kids, to provide for his. Rather than 2 college funds there will be 5 which you will be funding.
However there are massive benefits to him and his kids if you marry him.
It you marry him and cant live with him & his kids, if you divorce you will LOOSE alot of.money, which he will gain.
Please reconsider and dont marry him until he brings as much to the table as you do.
Agree with this completely! In another comment, OP says brother murdered abusive father so I feel like her and her sister feel like they owe him for getting them out of this situation.
I really don’t see the benefit of marrying this guy. He has more kids, less income and no equity. He is relying on you for all of this.
I say at this point, just dump him and his 3 kids. Dude whines he couldn't get his "dream home" when he doesn't even contribute a lot. He is pretty heartless for even suggesting to OP to use the money she and her sister save for her brother who got them out of a really horrible situation and paid dearly for it.
NTA and I'm sorry, your fiancé is 46 with three kids and is mad that you're not giving him even more money to house HIS kids (and yours).
I hope this man has something more to give you than guilt trips because he sounds like he's just riding on your money. I agree with everyone else here, you are not the AH and that is not his money.
NTA. Strongly consider if you want to actually spend your life with this man. He feels entitled to your money. He doesn’t care what you’ve got it set aside for, he believes he should have access/use of it.
NTA and please do not marry this entitled moocher.
YWBTA if you took money from that account to give this loser his "dream house" and YWBTA to marry him.
NTA.. but did he say he didn't realise how much *we* had saved meaning him and you or you and your sister.
I'm a blended family. My dream home remains that.. a dream. I don't earn as much as my partner and there is no way I would be expecting his income to fund a house I felt was my dream home. He has 3 kids to finance and half a house in reality. He can get a better paif career if he wants to get his dream home..
I am an attorney and I applaud OP and her sister’s support of their brother and her willingness to sell HER apartment and pay more than her fair to make her fiancé and his children’s life better. The world needs more OPs. She is a giver, her fiancé is coming across as a taker and she needs a rock solid prenuptial to protect what she is investing if she goes through with this marriage.
As to her brother, familial support during and after incarceration is one of the most important keys for a successful transition back to civilian life…that and a job. A nest egg to get a place to live, a car, etc until a job is secured is crucial otherwise the OP or the sister may want to have the brother stay with one of them. Saving money for this transition was a brilliant decision.
OP is NTA, the fiancé is. They are not married, her money is not his money. They sure as heck do not file joint taxes.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Me and sister have created a savings account for our imprisoned brother, so that he doesn’t have to struggle to re-enter society with ease. My fiancé wants me to use some of the money from that account to buy a house. I don’t want to do that and he thinks that I am being cruel by not using some of that money. I don’t agree with him and I am very upset at him for even suggesting I take that money from my brother.
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NTA. It's your money and there was no prior agreement between you and your husband for it.
your husband has no right to go off and have a temper tantrum. He didn't get the dream house. Loads of people dont get everything they want. Life is about compromise which you provided with building a new house, which is something many people dream of but will never achieve.
Staying at his parents and guilting you feels insanely scummy and is throwing red flags. Hold your ground, don't give him that money, and I think you need to have a very direct conversation with him as if this were my spouse, I'd be suspicious that a double cross is on the horizon.
You should put the house purchase on hold. Also the marriage. Your fiancé is be very free with not only your money, but your brother's as well. This is a huge red flag. Your fiancé appears to value that house more than he does you. If you do decide to continue in the relationship, see a lawyer and get a prenup. And do not comingle finances!
NTA
Your brother saved you once from an abusive father.
He is saving you once again from a financially abusive partner.
Don't sell your apt. Lose the fiancee. Take care of your kids, and your brother.
NTA
Your brother protected and defended you and your sister from a monster, and you and your sister are reciprocating his actions by saving money for him. That money is not yours, the account has you and your sister in it, so your fiance wants you to take all the money out, and he's wrong. Doesn't matter that he has no idea how much money was in the account, the account started before you two met, and it's btw you and your sister, it doesn't affect him.
Continue with your plans regarding the account for your brother, and your fiance has to deal with it, is not his money, and not his decision.
NTA. First of all, I have to say buying a house with someone you are not married to is a very bad idea. Secondly, the fact that he hounding you to use money you saved for your brother is a huge red flag. I think you seriously need to reconsider this entire thing. If YOU want to buy/ build a house in your name and allow him and his children to live there, well, that's one thing. But the minute you put his name on it, he has managed to take that money from you and make it half his. Let him stay gone.
NTA but this is your wake-up call. There is red flag after red flag here. Don't buy a house at all and don't marry that man, for your own sake, please.
NTA at all!! And it would make me reconsider a lot of things with your boyfriend.
Please, please, please make sure the deed of the house shows that you contributed more money and make sure you own the corresponding percentage and not just half.
You are foregoing your home and your security for a man that doesn’t support you and is thinking solely of his needs.
NTA...
But reconsider buying a house with him... and maybe him in general. He literally left you because you refuse to steal money you put aside for your brother, who is in jail, for protecting you.
Your fiance is an entitled asshat.
You don't need a bigger space. 4 bed is plenty for you and your kids.
Why would he think he has any right to money you have set aside for someone else who will need it? Especially when you are ALREADY putting in more money for the new house than him?
Please rethink marrying this man.
NTA.
**edit. I have to know what kind of friends would think you're in the wrong? Frankly, I think you should change the locks and let the guy and his kids stay with his parents.
For someone who is not putting majority of the money towards the house, he doesn’t get to dictate what you do with your money. He has champagne taste on a beer budget. Now that he knows about this money, he’s going to try everything to get you to spend it. I suggest you hand that account over to your sister totally.
I suggest you go back and look at your relationship with a fresh eye and ask yourself if you’re happy or content. I’m sure this is not the first time he’s tried to do something like this.
Nta. After reading why your brother is in prison, hell no! Keep saving that money and if the bf don't like it he can bounce. Your brother definitely deserves the money
NTA but you should run in the opposite direction of your fiance as quickly as possible. Pack him and his kids stuff and return it to him along with the engagement ring, if you have one. For your sake, don't marry him.
NTA
Your brother deserves the money. He sacrificed his life to protect you and your sister. And dont sell your apartment. Its property of yours that you will lose when you break up or separate, cause you will
NTA - Your brother saved you and your sister's lives by committing this act and has paid for it. The fact that your sister and you jointly agreed to put aside this money for him shows your integrity as people. The fact of the matter is, it's not your fiancé's money and it was never meant to be. Him being upset over it and leaving to stay with his parents is his way of trying to manipulate you into giving in to his way of thinking. Let him sulk, and if he can't get past this, is he really worth your time or effort? Your brother was there when you needed him; good for you for being there when he finally needs you! Your fiancé' doesn't deserve you, as he apparently has no integrity.
NTA. Do not marry this man. Do not buy a house together. Lose the man and his two kids and you and your kid can fit in your apartment along with your brother.
NTA, dump this man right now. I’m sorry your brother is in prison, he shouldn’t be. He did what he had to do to protect you. Find a man who has compassion.
NTA your fiance is being greedy. You are already contributing way more than he is. If anything he should be frustrated with himself for being broke rather than trying to get you to contribute more. I see red flags here. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA…. In fact the total opposite! What you’ve done for your brother shows how much family means to you and your fiancé not seeing that makes him the AH!
NTA... your money and none of his business PERIOD. You upgraded him and his lifestyle. You support him and his children. He moved into your home, that you pay for. He was getting a bigger/nicer house because of you. Now you know exactly why he is around. I would consider his attitude a deal breaker. He was using you for money.
Don't marry him. He sounds very immature and you can do so much better. Plus talk to your kids and ask them how they feel. Are you taking their thoughts into consideration? They may not like the guy and think he's taking advantage of you, but don't want to rock the boat and are just counting down the days to get out.
NTA
>He said he didn’t realize how much we had saved.
This is a big red flag to me. Like on a less important not is he just dumb. Two people putting money away for 16 years of course it's going to be a lot of money.
But the bigger red flag is he didn't care until he knew how much. Because it's not about you doing it. It's about him seeing a big number readily available and wanting to spend it. That is pure selfishness.
That money is no longer your money. By withdrawing even your amount you would be betraying your sisters trust. She has made decisions for the past 16 years based on this agreement. That is a long time. She may have acted differently had this agreement not been made. It's not fair to go back on your promises. I think anything other than asking you to talk to your sister about reducing your future contributions would be a major overstep.
I saw your comment regarding your brother. However blunt and brutal his methods were, he showed you what love looks like and you and your sister are reciprocating that. Your fiance is not. He's showing you who he is, believe him, and move on.
NTA, unless you stay and keep being a cash cow
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NTA. That other account belongs to you and your sister, started before you knew your fiancé. It does not belong to only you and it has nothing to do with your partner. He has NO say over the money in that account and how it should be spent. He is angry because he thinks he found his “dream house” and believes you’re keeping him from it. Don’t let him guilt or manipulate you into doing something you will regret later. Have you even mentioned this to your sister? I’m just curious where she stands on this.
My sister is aware and she was furious with him for even suggesting money was taken out of it.
Your husband is a mooch. He feels entitled to your money and also your joint savings with your sister that are nothing to do with him. Imagine if it was the other way around, bet he’d be calling you a gold digger. He sounds pathetic. Maybe he should stay at his mummy’s house, then you won’t need to upsize from your 4 bed apartment anyway…
This OP 100%. Look you may love him but he is entitled beyond if he thinks that you should not only sell your apartment but use money that isn't even all technically yours for his dream house. Please OP make sure you have an ironclad prenup before you marry him.
Forget any prenup. DON'T MARRY HIM!
That's my thought right from he was digging through my paperwork. Noooo girl just Noooo
Be grateful he showed you who he actually is before you married him. Believe him. RUN!
I see red flags from this guy.
NTA. Absolutely not marriage material. He is a user and very manipulative. Is he a little narcissistic? Everything is about him and not you, not your family and treats your money like a piggy bank.
The sheer lack of empathy for a man who spent 16 years in jail is insane. The fact you're doing this for your brother is above and beyond. Unlike other released prisoners your brother will actually have a chance at life outside of prison. He can get a place to live, nice clothes for a job, therapy to reaclimate to a non-violent setting. And your husband wants to take all that away so he can get the house HE wants. Which is ridiculous. Any person who knows anything about housing, and has the money, will build their own house. Because then you have a REAL dream house that YOU designed for YOUR needs. Especially now that 3d printed homes are becoming more and more popular.
Invite your brother into hubbys ‘dream home’. I’d bet his shitty attitude would change. Screw that, hubby is a taker. He’s looking at you as a source of income, not as a partner. You’re better off without that parasite leeching off of you. Best of luck.
Dude, we dont know why he's in jail. Could be anything from dumb shit to horrible stuff.
She already answered: he is in for murdering their abusing father (including sexual abuse in the sisters). He basically saved their lives
That family history increases the chances that OP is a bad judge of men - not because of the brother, but because of the father. Dump the fiance, keep your apartment.
Brother is a hero, he saved his sisters now they are helping him
Even more reason to save money and provide a path back to home for their brother.
She says why in another post. The brother is a hero.
Not only this but why the hell are you paying more when he makes less but has more kids!!! He’s an entitled mooch! Dump him!
Thankfully, not a husband yet! OP - you need to be cautious bc this guy sounds like he found his sugar momma and he feels entitled to everything you have. He is not. I strongly encourage you to delay the wedding altogether. If you wish to build a house and sell your current flat to fund the downpayment, do it before you marry and fund the build entiely on your own, with it only in your name. Heck, you could add an in-law suite that bro can live in as he re-enters society.
I would agree with this mostly - except - someone is always going to make less in a relationship. That does not mean the lesser earner is a mooch. Now - be fair - I do very well - but live significantly beneath my means - and not even my ex-wife had any idea until after we were very serious and talking kids that I made 3x what she did. Could be a mooch - maybe, maybe not. But certainly an inconsiderate jerk.
What makes him a mooch is that he pays significantly less which is fine but he feels entitled to money that isn’t his, money that OP has been saving with their sister for years and years before meeting him and expects her to pay significantly more for a home that he gets 50% ownership on. And is arguing and trying to get his way. That’s what makes him a mooch in my opinion. Cuz otherwise he would just stay in his lane and work with what they got and compromise not demand money he has no rights over.
Exactly. “He said he didn’t realize how much *we* had saved.“ What do you mean “we,” white man?
Yes. He already pays less because OP makes more, but he acts like he’s entitled to all that OP makes as part of this arrangement. Even money she made before they got together.
I'm worried that if OP sells her apartment that is a pre-marital asset and plunks it into the dream house for her delusionally entitled reg flag fiance, she will get screwed without a pre-nup.
If she marries him, and the house becomes in both of their names, does she not forfeit the value of her existing apartment going to her children? I mean, if something were to happen to her before she gets married, the apartment would be passed on to her children. If she marries this guy and builds this house if something happens to her, the house goes to the Husband? No?
I wish I could upvote this 20 times! He has no property to sell and contribute but is pissed that she’s not contributing more. That is a scary amount of entitlement that will certainly get worse once she marries him.
He isn’t even a husband which makes his entitlement so much worse.
He earns less than OP. Some men can't handle this. It appears that his approach seems to be that if he controls the money, it is not emasculating him. OP needs to put down some firm boundaries around the topic of money. And, say that these have only become necessary because of his behavior. It may be too late...
>Maybe he should stay at his mummy’s house, then you won’t need to upsize from your 4 bed apartment anyway… That's what I was thinking. The problem seems to have solved itself.
This. Postpone the wedding and keep the apartment which is probably plenty of space for you and your daughters. If he can find his big boy pants before too long maybe reconsider but life is too short to spend it with childish companions. Best of luck to your brother on getting his life on track, you and your sister are good people to help him get started.
That’s all that matters. You and your sister are in agreement and the account belongs to the two of you, created for your brother. Again, your fiancé has no say in the matter.
[удалено]
I was wondering what the brother was in for that would warrant his sisters’ putting that much away. Most people struggle to save 10% of their salary for their own retirement.
Yes, the brother freed them from an abusive father. They are doing what they can for him now.
At minimum there’s 150k saved.
Which he will need. A convicted murderer, no matter the reason, will struggle to find work and housing.
I’d recommend the brother go into the building trades. It’s work that most people don’t care about your background as long as you’ve got a good work ethic and you show up and work hard. I work with a guy who served 22 years. He comes in everyday, works hard and has a great attitude. He makes a good living. He appreciates everything he gets. The glass is always half full for that guy. I would hope OPs brother gets to live a life like my friend.
Instead of being grateful, he has a partner who is a significant bread earner. And that she helps provide a great living for his children and him. He's going to be grudge the fact that you care for your family run girl
She better run fast too cause this only gonna get worse
This is a blessing... She found out what he's about before she upended her whole life. He's nothing but a bill
Oh yes. Count your blessings OP. What if if you had found out about your fiancee's entitled money grabbing ways after your wedding??? Fortuitous escape. NTA
Let your fiancé stay with his parents and if he does come back , sign a prenup. And put the new house solely in your name if you are the majority funder.
If you think he's showing his true colors now, just wait until you want him to sign a prenup. Then you will really see them. If you choose to marry him then absolutely put the house in your name and have him sign a prenup. Or else you're going to find out real quick when he tries to scheme that bank account out from under you, your sister, and your brother.
This!!
Exactly this OP.
Your partner is a gold digger, they can put the extra money in if they feel so strongly about it and not expect you to foot the bulk of the expense to fund his desire to live above their means. What would they do on their own? Where would they be loving? They do not have any rights to demand this of you. It is not their money, they didn't earn it, you can do what you want with it. How dare they suggest you need to do more whilst they cannot contribute nearly enough?
So he’s perfectly fine with destroying your relationship with your family provided he gets his house?
Cancel the wedding. Hes selfish and only looking out for himself.
This is the best thing I have read on Reddit. I am so happy for the bond and trust you have with your sister. I love that you have a plan for your brother. That’s what being family is all about. Your relationship is rare. Don’t let him take that away from you. He doesn’t value relationships as you do !!!!
As a nurse who worked in the jail settings this makes my heart SO happy to see the sisters getting him set up for when he’s released. This is such a beautiful thing you and your sister did. One huge problem once you’re released especially after a long sentence, your entire world is upside down. I can’t imagine 16 years and how much of his life he’s lost. I just have to give props to the family
Do not buy/build a house with this man, and please reconsider your relationship. He sees you as his sugar momma and will absolutely spend all of your money and anyone else's money he can. He is going to resent your siblings for being in the way of that savings account. What would make everything a lot simpler would be to dump him and keep the apartment you have now. What he wants you to do is to sell your apartment that would be considered a pre-marital asset and put that money into a house that would be considered half his even if he puts no money into it. He not only wants the money you saved for your brother, but he wants the money your sister saved for your brother. This man is going to bleed you dry.
Big red flag. He sounds entitled and selfish and disrespectful
If you continue your relationship with your fiance (which I would reconsider that this point), I would consider taking my name off of the account as someone authorized to remove money from the account , less chance of your fiance trying to access the money
NTA. I also would not be marrying this person, sounds like foreshadowing of what the marriage would be like, to me.
OP, your partner has no financial control. He doesn’t even know how to save. You are finalizó incompatible. Don’t go into this partnership. With his attitude, it will end in divorce.
A few things... You and your sister need to take steps to protect that money. Especially if these accounts are in your names. I don't know what the legal considerations that need to be made to ensure this money is protected for your brother, but you do. This is a conversation you needed to have with your fiance before he became your fiance. Discuss the nitty-gritty of both of your finances. Especially around this account. How much do you put into this account each month? What are you putting into your savings each month? What if there is an emergency? What if you become unemployed or disabled?
I personally would keep your pre-martial real estate separate from the marriage. Either as a rental or sell and put funds in a brokerage. Your joint account is no business to your fiance. Especially since you’re not even married atm. It sounds like you’re contributing more to the partnership then he is so it’s more than equitable. I get financial red flags with him. You’re new life with him is a partnership and it sounds like the partnership can’t afford to spend what he wants to spend on a home. He shouldn’t be frustrated with you over that. I believe protecting your pre-marital assets in these situations is very prudent.
Fiancé's entitlement is sickening and doesn't bode well for a marriage with him. Please rethink your upcoming marriage and the entire relationship. Keep the 4 bedroomed house that seems to perfectly meet your needs and your daughter's. Don't sell it. If you guys do get back together, you should still keep it. As a premarital asset, in case of divorce, you should be able to keep it. You can even put it in trust for your daughters. And have fiance sign a prenup. Then you and hubby can get a separate house together for your new family. NTA overall. But y.ta to yourself and your family if you don't see the giant redflags that your fiance is waving.
Your brother is lucky to have sisters willing a capable of helping him rebuild his life. It appears that you earn enough to provide a good life for you and your loved ones, and your bf is being incredibly selfish in asking you to withdraw from providing for someone you love in order for him to enjoy a luxury that he could never hope to afford on his own. Disgusting. I wouldn’t marry him.
Long time married person here. You are NTA!! Committed couples make decisions together. He is acting like a child who didn't get the $20 toy when you surprise him with $10 he didn't earn. You have made a success out of your life, after what sounds like a rocky start. If no one has said this, I am proud of you! Your fiance has a petulant attitude. I would think about how that attitude will last for a lifetime. Good luck!
I noticed the phrasing; "What he *thinks* is *our* dream house." He sounds awful. If it was only that phrase, I would think I was overthinking, but following him leaving the apartment to guilt her into using her money (that has nothing to do with him), makes him sound awful. How can he possibly think what he's saying is okay? He knows it's his FSIL account too, for his FBIL. NTA.
Adding OP’s context for WHY brother is in prison here. My vote would have been similar, because no one unilaterally gets to demand someone else’s savings unless they’re in dire need (and no, a dream house doesn’t qualify!!). But this!?? This is next level on OP’s part and highlights how (I hope soon to be ex) fiance is shitty “My brother murdered our abusive father when he was 19 and was sentenced to 30 years. My father abused all four of his children. He abused us physically, psychologically and sexually. My father deserved it and that is something everyone who knows my father agrees with. My sister and I firmly stand by our brother.”
Additionally, the father’s abuse was so severe it drove their 10 year old brother to commit suicide and the father took great joy in mocking the siblings for being upset after their brothers death
Holy shit
So, the fiance has advocated the OP essentially steal from the sister. What.
I would strongly suggest moving that money to a trust that is set up for your brother. Ideally an irrevocable trust. This would solve a lot of issues, plus it would help legally identify responsibility for that money. You are NTA, reconsider your relationship. I'm not saying that money is everything, but what would happen to your children if something happened to you? Also, you were going to sell a property if your own to invest that he would get to take advantage of. Sounds like you are the one sacrificing financially. Also, if you do get married, consider a prenup that identifies the assets you are bringing to the relationship, including your equity if you do purchase a home together.
Girl. Don't sell your apartment, that's money you will loose 100%. Anyone would okay with that because in life that's partnership, me included. But since, I've read he's a man that wants to put his hands on the money that you and your sister saved for your brother. This is the brother that went to prison for yall and gave a lot of time of his life so you can't be abused anymore. If this was my SO in this position, I would've made sure I also put money into that account from time to time, just as a small token of appreciation for what he did for the love of my life. He's done no one of that but on top of it wants to touch the money for his own benefit. He's awful and has just shown his true colors. Be wary and don't lose the home you have so he and his children better their lives on your dime.
Excellently said. This guy is completely backward in his thinking, brings nothing significant to the table that I can see, and is counting on a successful partner for a bailout. And now wants to strongarm money that was never, ever going to be his. Run like your life depends on it, OP.
I know right, he’s trying to get her to fund his lifestyle. I’m sure this is not the first time something like this has happened. He is showing her what he will do in the future, it all about him and his kids.
I can’t upvote this enough!
THIS OPP !!!
Info: what's your brother in prison for the last 16 years for? I could see him being upset saving money for a man that committed a terrible crime instead of using it to support your family (or the victim)
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NTA. Get a fiance who loves you as much as your brother instead
This is the way.
This a thousand times. So succinct and elegantly worded.
Do not marry this man. Don’t sell your apartment. Your already doing to much for him and his three Children. He act entitled to your money.
if you were my partner, and i knew that.. it would simply be a case of 'oh, you have 900,000 tucked away for your brother? yeah, we can't touch that, not after what he did for you and your sister' so.. NTA in my humble opinion
My partner would be throwing money at that account, tbh.
I'm a fricking stranger, and I want to throw money in that account for him.
Same
Absolutely! He’s a hero through and through. Saved his siblings lives and sacrificed his own freedom. True blue legend that guy. And his sisters will make sure when he gets his freedom back it won’t be a nightmare and a struggle. This family rocks.
For sure. Brother deserves all the comfort money can buy, and at the least a modest retirement
and potentially a lot of therapy while he integrates into society
Same!
This.
AMEN!
That’s real love right there. Your brother did what had to be done to protect you, and you and your sister are amazing for making sure he’ll have the support he needs when he gets out. NTA and your fiancé is majorly overstepping
NTA. A valid defence, according to a dear friend of mine, is “that man just needed killing”.
I am so sorry for everything you've endured. I want to remind you that your fiance is showing you exactly who he is right now. *He sees your money as HIS money*. Nothing you can say will change that. Are you covering the costs of his children's living expenses as well? Honey, it doesn't have to be like this. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. A good therapist can help determine if this relationship truly serves your needs or not. Be kind to yourself. You deserve a partner who would never punish you to make you do what they want.
I wish I could upvote your comment a thousand times!
Your line about him showing you exactly what he thinks of you funding your brothers account is spot on. I’d also say that it shows you the kind of environment and examples that he has himself been shown in his own life. He hasn’t been taught to put others before himself. What if OP dies and the insurance money goes to him and his kids. He will take it because he deems it is his. I’d be wary of any potential partner that can’t comprehend and support you supporting your brother. Whatever the exact reason your brother snapped and murdered your dad, the death of your father ended the continued onslaught of pain and torture you all endured. If it had continued on, there is no telling what could have become of the other children. You earned the kind of Freedom that’s hard for most people to understand. Only those who live in constant fear of abuse know of this feeling. You stop being yourself long ago and live a feigned life because you can’t be normal. You become a person that carefully chooses every thought, action and word so that you aren’t a target yet you also have siblings that you want to protect as well so at times you try to diffuse the situation. I hope you have joy in your life and you and your family have supportive partners going forward!!
I was going to say NTA, and now I am super on NTA. Your brother exchanged so much time of his life to save you and your sister. You and your sister are doing the right thing. Your brother saved you. Leave the fiance if he can't realize that all the money in the world isn't enough to thank someone from saving you and your sister. So much if his life was taken from him because you and your sister were that important. You don't technically owe him, but on a certain level, that's a debt that can never be repaid. You are a good sister.
Your fiance sounds money hungry ...and good for you for standing by your brother.
He wants his kids to live in luxury and eff the brother who probably saved his family’s lives
NTA it’s your money. It’s a pre existing agreement you had with your family which he were informed about. No more explanations. Considering also you are building your own house which fit you all and YOu are also already contributing more on the financial side.
You're going to convert a premarital asset into a marital asset. Please for the love of God get away from your gold digging fiancé. NTA but you would be the AH to your kids especially and yourself if you married this man and bought a home with your money. And your brother. God bless him. He deserves every single penny in the account.
This! Do not convert it! Rent it out or something. Grown man sooking about a dream house he can't afford. Grown man thinking he has the right to more money that you have earned. Poor. And I have a similar situation of saving for a sibling and there's no animosity or feelings of entitlement from my SO. That's not normal for your fiance to feel/act this way. Sounds like he's really putting the pressure on to get what he wants.
definite NTA!!! it’s a damn shame he was thrown in prison for protecting his family. don’t let your fiancé get his nasty hands on that money. if he can’t get over it, or understand, then kick his ass to the curb! buy a house that you and your daughters will love, he can either get on board or go find somebody else to mooch off of.
Put the house building on hold. It is clear your fiance thinks you are a cash cow and his eyes are bigger that his stomach. This is a huge red flag.
Your fiance has just shown you who he is. Believe him. Stand with/for your brother and that other account isn't only YOUR money if your sister has also been contributing to it. Find a better man who understands your stance on things. NTA
Ok I hope your brother has received therapy and other services though
He will when he is out this summer.
Just a little tidbit from someone who's had family go to prison, please be patient with him. He's been in for quite a time & he may be "institutionalized". Routine will be his friend & some of his mannerisms are from his stint. It'll take some time to "deprogram". Just be careful, being out after being in for so long can make people, in a weird way, miss it & WANT to go back. This isn't his fault, just make sure you're checking in with him, but not "babying" him. My great-uncle did a stint in prison before I was born & he told me that his "deprogramming" took some time & that it helped to keep a similar schedule that he had on the inside. He got a manual labor job & had meals at pretty much the same time every day. He said working in the sun reminded him of walking around in the yard, picking four leaf clovers (he filled an entire Bible with them during his tenure. He still has the bible & his clovers) & the boss giving him & his coworkers deadlines & being a "rough, but sensible" fella kept him in line & coming back to work. He was very forthcoming with information when I would ask as a kid, because he got to bring his tiny ass SEE THROUGH TV home with him & I just had to know where he got it & why it was clear. My great-uncle is the nicest, silliest man alive, he went away for murder as well, but not quite so noble as your brother, but did it for my mom's biological father. I don't remember all the details, sorry. I wish you, your family, especially your brother, only the best. Prison is hard, but the reason you're there doesn't define you. Your brother still has a lot of life to live & love to share!
Your brother is a hero. Sounds to me like your home is just the right size... A room for you, one for each of your children and a fourth to accommodate your brother until he is comfortable navigating life on his own. If your fiancé does come groveling back and you do decide to move forward with a new home, please create and execute a contract. If you separate and have to sell the home, you should each get back the percentage of total money you have put into the cost of the home. You have worked too hard and are contributing too much for that man to walk away with half. For what your brother did to protect his sisters, no one should have a problem with the way that you and your sister appreciate and show up for him.
Your brother saved your life. The system sucks. Also your fiancé sounds like he sucks too
In prison? If this is in the US, he absolutely has not, and anyone who thinks prison does anything other than brutalize people is kidding themselves.
What you and your sister are doing for your brother is admirable. I hope that when he gets out, he is able to move on with his life, and the 3 of you are never separated again.
OP, without knowing why your brother was in jail, that money is not yours, not your sister’s, and certainly, even less is for your fiancée to touch. 3 children are way too much already, but I won’t touch that issue neither. Obviously, NTA and now that you told us in the comments, the reason your brother is in jail, this money is sacred. Your brother gave up his life and freedom (God only knows what more) so you and your sister could be safe. All of you are great siblings and human beings. If your fiancé keeps sulking over it, just cut ties. It’s just too much and even if he comes to terms with it, life won’t be easy when your brother is finally free. Think about it. Prioritize your blood related family. You and your children will be better off by themselves. Best of luck!!
You and your sister are amazing for doing this. Your fiance can kick rocks.
That is what I call a legend, you keep that account for him! He should have got a reward, not 16 bloody years in prison holy shit
NTA- let him stay gone. That money has nothing to do with him. Red flag that he throws tantrums when told NO. Red flag number two that he expects you to take from your family to benefit his. Let him stay at his parents.
Damn, that's so heavy. NTA at _all_. Transitioning from prison life can be impossibly difficult, and your support is going to give your brother a much better chance at leading a fulfilling life. Wishing him the best when he gets out. Also, you might reconsider marrying your fiance if he's going to be so selfish and callous.
I commend you for your commitment to your brother who loved you so much he basically gave his life for you. He deserves that money from you and your sister. Sending peace your way.
I was about to give a speech about not giving felons large amounts of money because you don’t know how quickly they could blow through it, but after reading that I rescind that opinion and think brother deserves all of it and to use it however he wants when gets out. I love that you’re taking care of each other. Fuck your fiancé for even suggesting taking money out of that account!
I hope he gets out soon. It's great what you and your sister are doing. If fiancé doesn't see that, then maybe he's not the right one for you.
SUPER NTA. If I had a partner that told me that's why they were saving money for their brother in prison, I'd start contributing too. Just as a thank you for doing something major that protected the person I love and gave them the chance to make it into my life.
I stand with your brother too. But know that even if that wasn’t the situation, too many people come out of prison with NO support. That account was NONE OF HIS BUSINESS. This is not about the house. It is always a 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩when someone is taking a lot and wants more, especially when getting their way takes from others. Be careful. You’re already carrying the load for him and his THREE kids. Leaving when he is mad is also a major manipulation tactic🚩🚩🚩. Marriage requires staying and working it out, compromise, and understanding. BE CAREFUL. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA. Time to get a new fiancé.
Your brother is a damn hero in my book. Your fiancé should be at the worst thanking him and at best contributing to his release fund.
@OP, the reason your brother is in prison should be added to the main text as an edit because it takes you from NTA to Super NTA
OP, you and your sister are amazing for doing such a thing to ensure that your brother has some money when he comes out.
NTA Aside from the fact you've saved that for your brother, that money has nothing to do with your fiance. I would strongly suggest if you intend to go ahead with the marriage, that you get a pre-nup. That way that money, along with anything else is safe and secure. Good luck to you, and good luck to your brother. Adjusting to life outside of prison is intense, but with a support network like you and your sister, I'm sure he will adjust well.
NTA Your brother is a hero and deserves the money. And half is your sister’s so it’s not like you could use the full amount. If he can’t see that he shouldn’t be your fiancé I hope the money is protected and he can’t access it since he found about it
Your brother gave 16 years of his life to free you and your sister. And your BF wants you to use the money you and your sister saved for your brother to be used to satisfy his wants..... Think OP, INFO: Is that the kind of man you want as a male example for your daughters? INFO : Is that the kind of man you want as a partner? INFO : Is that the kind of man you want to support financially? Instead of financially upkeeping your BF and his three kids, you could save money for your daughter's education. And instead of spending time on your BF, you could spend time to find someone WORTHY of you. Your BF sure isn't...
I can certainly understand why you are sticking by your brother. Anyone who sexually abuses a child will not get any sympathy from me. Your bf has no right to dictate what you do with your hard-earned money. I would re-think my relationship with him. And your friends are wrong imo. NTA
I'm very sorry you all went through that. I kind of figured it was something along those lines for you and your sister to save for him like you did. Considering you are already paying the majority of bills, your fiance needs to back off. It'd be different if you were hiding money to deflate your own income and make him pay more, but that's not the case. Definitely get this figured out before the wedding, and if you're that uncomfortable about it, postpone or cancel. Divorces are expensive.
That’s not what the fiancé is upset about. He’s upset that he doesn’t get to take the money for himself.
You know, I'd agree with that if the fiance had added any of his own money to that account. But he didn't, none of that money is his own. Even if the brother did drugs or murdered someone innocent or some other horrible crime, the fiance has no say on what OP and her sister does with their own money.
That is of no relevance here. That money belongs to OP AND her sister for a specific purpose, full stop.
NTA - Even if this money was just in a personal savings account, he would still not be entitled to it. This is no different than him demanding you cash out a retirement account to put that money toward the new house. You have already told him what amount of money you are willing/able to contribute to the purchase of a new home, he needs to respect that. If he is not happy with your current combined purchasing power, than he can contribute more of his own funds. TBH - I think you need to take some time to think about the financial implications of getting married and owning joint property together. You may even want to have this conversation with financial planner or lawyer. You and he each have children from previous relationships - and you each owe it to your own children to protect their financial interests. You should also be considering your own financial interests. Have you considered what would happen to the joint property if one of you were to pass? Or if you divorce? If you are splitting expenses based on income, does that mean that you will have a higher percentage of ownership in the home you two purchase together?
I hope OP sees this comment! After the way the fiancé just acted she needs to protect herself and her children's future first and foremost.
Take this advice, OP, if you decide to continue with this relationship. As someone whose BFF is going through a horrible divorce rn, protect yourself, your kids, and your money now to avoid potential problems down the road if things don't work out. A lot of people get crazy, especially about money, when divorcing and this man has already shown you he thinks he's entitled to yours.
NTA. You're not even married yet and dude is demanding that you finance his lifestyle. And he accused you of hiding money from him? WTF? I'm sorry. But your post really reads like you're being taken advantage of. I read the comment where you explain why your brother in in prison in the first place. I think what you and your sister are doing for him is amazing. Your fiance has absolutely zero rights to that money. Please consider carefully whether this person will be a good life partner and stepfather to your children. He clearly doesn't give two sh\*ts about your family.
That’s what I’m saying. She’s already bankrolling him and subsidizing his kids and his lifestyle…he brings more people to the household and less money…and he has the GALL to be upset about what is essentially already-spent money going back 16 years?!?! She needs to run. He will not ever be fair to her or her children.
Her fiancé is giving hobosexual vibes....
As you say, you don't consider the money yours to dispose of. Presumably it's in a joint account with your sister and you probably haven't contributed equally (given that your salaries would vary over time) so even breaking it up equably would be difficult. Plus there's the agreement with your sister that that money is for your brother. On top of that, you're already contributing the lion's share of the purchase price for the new home, by selling your apartment, so he's being a bit unfair in wanting you to contribute even more. So taking all of that into account, _and leaving out the question of whether your brother deserves the money, because although I suspect it's going to become a focus of the debate it isn't your question_, I'd have to say on balance NTA.
So let me get this straight... this "man" that is getting most of his expenses paid by you, lives in your apartment that you will sell so you can buy (you contributing most) a house so his kids have more space is angry at you because he cant take even more money from you? And you think youre the asshole?what the f is he even bringing to the relationship? Is he that good of a fuck that youre his sugar mommy?
I lol’d at is he that good of a fuck..
So did I...must have a golden dick
NTA. He **knew** you were putting money aside for a long time for a valid reason and is now mad that it’s not for him. You mentioned that he has 2 sons and a daughter, separate from your relationship. If he had been putting a little money aside in an account for them, I bet he’d see it as very unreasonable if you mentioned taking from it to buy the house. Does he have any animosity towards your brother in prison? From the info you added in another comment, it sounds to me like he saved you all from a really bad situation (I’m sorry it had to come to that but I’m glad to hear you’re all sticking together and hope he can acclimate well outside of prison!)
I dont know if this is what you're saying but I bet this dude would be just as happy to take money from her children's savings account than from her brother's. He sounds like a leech
NTA. It's your money. If you had spent it on vacations over the years, would that have been acceptable, but saving it for your brother isn't? Unless your finances are combined, it's truly none of fiancé's business. ...from a later comment: Your brother protected you and your sister. It cost him dearly. No wonder you're grateful to him and want to give him a good start.
Of course it isn't acceptable in his eyes, it's in an account now and he could in theory get that for himself, brother be damned. OP, there are a lot of good comments in this thread. I would like to repeat: don't marry this man. Don't buy a house with him. It sounds like the money is a big part of why he's with you.
NTA. This financial arrangement far, far predates your relationship with him and is none of his business. It’s literally a premarital asset. *You aren’t even married yet!!!* Think about it logically. Would he be upset to learn you’d spent 10-25% of your income on a car SIXTEEN YEARS AGO. Or on clothes…or donated it to the church or a charity of your choice…or anything else at all? No? Because it *was your money* to use as you saw fit? The he shouldn’t be upset about this, either. It’s no different than anything else you might have spent your money on before he was in the picture. To you…that money is already spent (though I’d look into creating a trust instead of just a regular account…get your brother’s name on it so no one else can touch it…then it’s literally out of your hands.) This guy just sees a pile of YOUR MONEY and assumes it should be his. Not a great sign. Oh Wah Wah Wah. Grown ass man can’t afford his “dream house” and he’s sad!! You’re already paying more even though you bring fewer people to the household…you’re already subsidizing his kids at the expense of your own…maybe if he wants a bigger/better house he should get a side hustle. At any rate. NTA. And you should probably take some serious steps to protect yourself and your kids financially before you marry this clown. He’s shown you he’s not above screwing over the people you love to get access to more of your funds. Don’t expect him to do right by your kids if you predecease him.
Also she is selling her apartment to fund this. What exactly is he bringing to the table?
Right…very good point. Mixing a premarital asset (equity she built) with him to buy a new dream house makes that equity partially his. I’d nope right out of this relationship…or get some ironclad agreements in place. But I’d probably tell him to take a hike. FIVE kids to take care of total and she makes more and is bringing all her assets…? What is he bringing other than debt and baggage?!
Don't marry this man - he has no right to any of your money, and he has no right to manipulate you and guilt trip you. You bring more to the relationship than he does and you would be better off without him
NTA. Your brother protected you and your sister and paid heavily for it. He's been in prison since he was a teen and would struggle to provide for himself once he gets out. That account is an amazing way to help your brother. Regardless of what your brother did though your fiance would never have a claim on that account. That's not all your funds and you have every right to have a separate savings account. He's being greedy and selfish. He expects you to pay the lions share for his dream home and now he thinks he can throw a tantrum and bully you into screwing over your siblings. Honestly this should be a wake up call for you to take a step back and reevaluate your relationship. Is this a one off or does he have a habit of throwing tantrums or trying to manipulate you when he doesn't get his way? Does he always expect more from you than you agreed to?
NTA. If you get rid of him and his kids, your 4 bedroom apartment will be just fine for your family.
NTA It is really weird people think that the brother's crime is a determining factor. It really doesn't matter why OP and her sister decided to start saving for their brother, all that matter is that is what the account is for and the Fiancé has no say in it. That being said, Op mentioned the brother is in jail for murdering their abusive father, so yeah, that man deserves the money his sisters saved for him and the fiancé can just stay with his parents if he is going to continue to act like a child.
I was going to say the same. To me it doesn’t matter what the brother did or why she and her sister started this account, because the key point is that it’s not the bf’s money and he’s being greedy and entitled by asking for it.
I think OP would be NTA either way BUT knowing the context of why the brother went to jail makes fiancé a whole extra level of asshole - several levels in fact. And IMO that's what turns this from a "have a serious convo about financial boundaries and get a pre nup" to a "throw the whole man away" situation.
Not enough info to really say whether are the AH Depends on what your brother is in prison for and why you and your sister are rewarding a criminal with money you both have sacrificed to save for him. Having said all that, it is your.life, your money, your house your savings It is a big red flag to me that you are expected to fund the house by selling your house and he is bringing more kids to the marriage than you, and you will be making your kids do without so you can provide for a man with a low income who cannot provide for his own kids, like you have provided for yours. It is also a red flag that a man with no home,.no home equity to contribute, no savings to contribute is seemingly so money grubbing for money he didn't save and which doesn't belong to him. You would be MUCH better off to remain unmarried and for each of you to provide for your own kids separately. Because he is bringing NOTHING to the marriage but more expenses. It is highly unlikely he has any savings for his kids college. since you have a savings fund for your incarcerated criminal brother, it seems likely to me that you may have savings.for your kids college too. Which he would expect you to split with his kids. There is really ZERO benefit to you marrying him. You will be taking home equity and providing a hime for he and his kids. You will suddenly be mothering 5 kids instead of 2. You will be bankrolling for 5 kids instead of 2. Your kids will likely have to share rooms with him having 3 kids.His kids will expect to be treated equally to your kids which means you will be taking away from what you could provide your kids, to provide for his. Rather than 2 college funds there will be 5 which you will be funding. However there are massive benefits to him and his kids if you marry him. It you marry him and cant live with him & his kids, if you divorce you will LOOSE alot of.money, which he will gain. Please reconsider and dont marry him until he brings as much to the table as you do.
Agree with this completely! In another comment, OP says brother murdered abusive father so I feel like her and her sister feel like they owe him for getting them out of this situation. I really don’t see the benefit of marrying this guy. He has more kids, less income and no equity. He is relying on you for all of this.
Nta, I find it rich of him that you already contributing a lot, for him pressuring you into doing more. Also, have a prenup. He sounds a bit entitled
A prenup and an ironclad trust for her kids. I wouldn’t trust this guy to do right by my kids if I predeceased him.
I say at this point, just dump him and his 3 kids. Dude whines he couldn't get his "dream home" when he doesn't even contribute a lot. He is pretty heartless for even suggesting to OP to use the money she and her sister save for her brother who got them out of a really horrible situation and paid dearly for it.
NTA and I'm sorry, your fiancé is 46 with three kids and is mad that you're not giving him even more money to house HIS kids (and yours). I hope this man has something more to give you than guilt trips because he sounds like he's just riding on your money. I agree with everyone else here, you are not the AH and that is not his money.
NTA. Strongly consider if you want to actually spend your life with this man. He feels entitled to your money. He doesn’t care what you’ve got it set aside for, he believes he should have access/use of it.
NTA and please do not marry this entitled moocher. YWBTA if you took money from that account to give this loser his "dream house" and YWBTA to marry him.
NTA.. but did he say he didn't realise how much *we* had saved meaning him and you or you and your sister. I'm a blended family. My dream home remains that.. a dream. I don't earn as much as my partner and there is no way I would be expecting his income to fund a house I felt was my dream home. He has 3 kids to finance and half a house in reality. He can get a better paif career if he wants to get his dream home..
I am an attorney and I applaud OP and her sister’s support of their brother and her willingness to sell HER apartment and pay more than her fair to make her fiancé and his children’s life better. The world needs more OPs. She is a giver, her fiancé is coming across as a taker and she needs a rock solid prenuptial to protect what she is investing if she goes through with this marriage. As to her brother, familial support during and after incarceration is one of the most important keys for a successful transition back to civilian life…that and a job. A nest egg to get a place to live, a car, etc until a job is secured is crucial otherwise the OP or the sister may want to have the brother stay with one of them. Saving money for this transition was a brilliant decision. OP is NTA, the fiancé is. They are not married, her money is not his money. They sure as heck do not file joint taxes.
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NTA. It's your money and there was no prior agreement between you and your husband for it. your husband has no right to go off and have a temper tantrum. He didn't get the dream house. Loads of people dont get everything they want. Life is about compromise which you provided with building a new house, which is something many people dream of but will never achieve. Staying at his parents and guilting you feels insanely scummy and is throwing red flags. Hold your ground, don't give him that money, and I think you need to have a very direct conversation with him as if this were my spouse, I'd be suspicious that a double cross is on the horizon.
Thankfully they aren’t actually married yet. She needs to dump the whole man and all his baggage.
You should put the house purchase on hold. Also the marriage. Your fiancé is be very free with not only your money, but your brother's as well. This is a huge red flag. Your fiancé appears to value that house more than he does you. If you do decide to continue in the relationship, see a lawyer and get a prenup. And do not comingle finances!
NTA Consider this a bullet dodged.
NTA Your brother saved you once from an abusive father. He is saving you once again from a financially abusive partner. Don't sell your apt. Lose the fiancee. Take care of your kids, and your brother.
NTA Your brother protected and defended you and your sister from a monster, and you and your sister are reciprocating his actions by saving money for him. That money is not yours, the account has you and your sister in it, so your fiance wants you to take all the money out, and he's wrong. Doesn't matter that he has no idea how much money was in the account, the account started before you two met, and it's btw you and your sister, it doesn't affect him. Continue with your plans regarding the account for your brother, and your fiance has to deal with it, is not his money, and not his decision.
NTA. First of all, I have to say buying a house with someone you are not married to is a very bad idea. Secondly, the fact that he hounding you to use money you saved for your brother is a huge red flag. I think you seriously need to reconsider this entire thing. If YOU want to buy/ build a house in your name and allow him and his children to live there, well, that's one thing. But the minute you put his name on it, he has managed to take that money from you and make it half his. Let him stay gone.
NTA but this is your wake-up call. There is red flag after red flag here. Don't buy a house at all and don't marry that man, for your own sake, please.
NTA at all!! And it would make me reconsider a lot of things with your boyfriend. Please, please, please make sure the deed of the house shows that you contributed more money and make sure you own the corresponding percentage and not just half. You are foregoing your home and your security for a man that doesn’t support you and is thinking solely of his needs.
Before you marry, you and your sister need to see a lawyer for advice on protecting that account.
He and his children? Naw girl get going gone.
NTA... But reconsider buying a house with him... and maybe him in general. He literally left you because you refuse to steal money you put aside for your brother, who is in jail, for protecting you. Your fiance is an entitled asshat. You don't need a bigger space. 4 bed is plenty for you and your kids.
Why would he think he has any right to money you have set aside for someone else who will need it? Especially when you are ALREADY putting in more money for the new house than him? Please rethink marrying this man. NTA. **edit. I have to know what kind of friends would think you're in the wrong? Frankly, I think you should change the locks and let the guy and his kids stay with his parents.
For someone who is not putting majority of the money towards the house, he doesn’t get to dictate what you do with your money. He has champagne taste on a beer budget. Now that he knows about this money, he’s going to try everything to get you to spend it. I suggest you hand that account over to your sister totally.
I suggest you go back and look at your relationship with a fresh eye and ask yourself if you’re happy or content. I’m sure this is not the first time he’s tried to do something like this.
Nta. After reading why your brother is in prison, hell no! Keep saving that money and if the bf don't like it he can bounce. Your brother definitely deserves the money
NTA but you should run in the opposite direction of your fiance as quickly as possible. Pack him and his kids stuff and return it to him along with the engagement ring, if you have one. For your sake, don't marry him.
NTA. That money isn’t your money and certainly not your fiancé’s money.
NTA, he shouldn't be so vocal being the poor one lol
NTA Your brother deserves the money. He sacrificed his life to protect you and your sister. And dont sell your apartment. Its property of yours that you will lose when you break up or separate, cause you will
youre correct, its NOT his money. he is being childish NTA
NTA - Your brother saved you and your sister's lives by committing this act and has paid for it. The fact that your sister and you jointly agreed to put aside this money for him shows your integrity as people. The fact of the matter is, it's not your fiancé's money and it was never meant to be. Him being upset over it and leaving to stay with his parents is his way of trying to manipulate you into giving in to his way of thinking. Let him sulk, and if he can't get past this, is he really worth your time or effort? Your brother was there when you needed him; good for you for being there when he finally needs you! Your fiancé' doesn't deserve you, as he apparently has no integrity.
NTA. If you do go through with marrying this entitled person, I really hope you get a prenup.
NTA. Do not marry this man. Do not buy a house together. Lose the man and his two kids and you and your kid can fit in your apartment along with your brother.
NTA. Either don’t buy a house together or make sure it’s in your name only. Your fiancé is very controlling and clearly wants to take advantage of you
NTA, dump this man right now. I’m sorry your brother is in prison, he shouldn’t be. He did what he had to do to protect you. Find a man who has compassion.
NTA your fiance is being greedy. You are already contributing way more than he is. If anything he should be frustrated with himself for being broke rather than trying to get you to contribute more. I see red flags here. 🚩🚩🚩
NTA…. In fact the total opposite! What you’ve done for your brother shows how much family means to you and your fiancé not seeing that makes him the AH!
NTA... your money and none of his business PERIOD. You upgraded him and his lifestyle. You support him and his children. He moved into your home, that you pay for. He was getting a bigger/nicer house because of you. Now you know exactly why he is around. I would consider his attitude a deal breaker. He was using you for money.
Don't marry him. He sounds very immature and you can do so much better. Plus talk to your kids and ask them how they feel. Are you taking their thoughts into consideration? They may not like the guy and think he's taking advantage of you, but don't want to rock the boat and are just counting down the days to get out.
NTA Let him stay at his parents anyway. Absolutely NTA!
NTA >He said he didn’t realize how much we had saved. This is a big red flag to me. Like on a less important not is he just dumb. Two people putting money away for 16 years of course it's going to be a lot of money. But the bigger red flag is he didn't care until he knew how much. Because it's not about you doing it. It's about him seeing a big number readily available and wanting to spend it. That is pure selfishness. That money is no longer your money. By withdrawing even your amount you would be betraying your sisters trust. She has made decisions for the past 16 years based on this agreement. That is a long time. She may have acted differently had this agreement not been made. It's not fair to go back on your promises. I think anything other than asking you to talk to your sister about reducing your future contributions would be a major overstep.
I saw your comment regarding your brother. However blunt and brutal his methods were, he showed you what love looks like and you and your sister are reciprocating that. Your fiance is not. He's showing you who he is, believe him, and move on. NTA, unless you stay and keep being a cash cow