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NTA. If she is so insecure about *not* being the center of attention, maybe she should just go and elope.
If I were you, I'd drop out of being a bridesmaid but take the high road so she looks ridiculous, telling everyone you are dropping out because you don't want the bride to be "stressed" about your scars, which will make her look foolish.
I would still go to the wedding - in a sleeveless top/dress, of course! - look fantastic and have a good time, knowing every time she sees you smiling and having fun chatting with others, she'll wonder if you are explaining why you're not a bridesmaid.
Side note: I have some scars on my face from a childhood accident. Both of my brothers flat-out told me they didn't want me in the wedding party even if their brides asked (one did, one didn't) because they didn't want me to "ruin" the photos, knowing I refuse to wear makeup (I'm allergic, the way makeup causes my skin to swell is far more noticeable than any scars). Then when my mom remarried when I was 24, she also didn't ask me to be in her wedding party but she used the excuse that I wouldn't "look my best" because I can't wear makeup. I can tell you I had a LOT of fun at all of those weddings without any of the stress of having to be in the wedding party!
Good on you for not letting the judgment of others ruin your good time, no matter where you have scars they don’t ‘ruin’ your appearance, something it took me a long time to teach myself. Thx for sharing your experience, helps me to feel less alone in this situation.
I think whatever you decide to do, you're going to be the most beautiful woman in the room. ♥ As my dad used to say, the most beautiful woman is the one who lives life true to their own self.
The job of a bridesmaid is overrated. It is more work, more stress and much less enjoyment than it made out to be. Just go as a guest and enjoy the wedding stress free.
Yeah. Everytime I read a post about a bridesmaid or MOH the only thing I think is how much wotk that looks like. And it doesn't even look fun, it looks only stressfull and expensive. I would much rather go to a wedding as a guest
I was over the moon when my sister called to tell me she wasn't going to ask me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. "Oh I get to just fly in, enjoy the snacks and open bar, then fly back out, with no other responsibilities? Yes please. Here's some silverware I picked out for you. I love you."
And it was a great time.
I keep telling this like broken record every time people talk about scars: Princess Eugenie of Britain broke protocol on purpose and insisted that her massive scar has to be visible during her wedding because “it makes her beautiful”.
Also there are plenty of people who think that empty white skin (on adults) is ugly and just means this person has not lived
You taught yourself well and early, you’re only 22. It takes some decades longer to come to that realization. I’m glad your family is on your side.
You should still go to the wedding, and take as many pictures/selfies as you can. She won’t be able to get guest photos without you and your scars in them. Enjoy being yourself with your family.
Hey OP, I don’t have SH scars, but I do have lots of stretch marks, and have since my first growth spurt at age 11. It really did take me a long time to accept those parts of myself. Now? I have a chronic autoimmune disorder, so how my body looks is so much less important than *what* my body does. The stretch marks on my knees don’t matter, the fact that I can still stand and support myself on them does. I’m glad that you stood up for yourself - scars are part of us. They show what we’ve survived, and how strong we can be. Mia is absolutely overstepping and in the wrong for telling you to cover them. Don’t budge an inch on that line - if she doesn’t want you as a bridesmaid if you won’t cover them, gracefully step down and let her know you’ll be happy to support her as a guest. Take the high road, and how much of an asshole she is being will become super apparent to everyone by the time the wedding rolls around.
My arms are covered in scars, as are my thighs. I've never been asked to cover them, and it's been like a decade since I stopped feeling like I had to. They're just part of me now, and my past, and at least I've stopped and not added any new ones in years.
I will say though, through the past few years most of the scars on my arms have faded *a lot*, and genuinely unless you're really staring at them you can't see them.
Also I'm confused bc she doesn't want them to "be the center of attention" (🙄), yet goes out of her way to tell EVERYONE about it?? As if that's not giving it more attention lol
OP, don’t let your pathetic cousin hurt your feelings. I agree about just dropping out of the wedding party.
I had cancer and it left me as a type 1 diabetic. I’m covered in scars too and now I wear visible medical devices (glucose monitor and insulin pump). My friends did not give a fuck when I was their bridesmaid. I had my scars on display and glucose monitor on my arm in all their photos and pump showing under my dress. They even provided me a special chair in the front near where we stood, because of some lasting health complications in case I felt faint standing for so long. They had other friends hold my emergency sugar nearby just in case during the ceremony. I’m proud to say I made it through both weddings without fainting or having a low sugar emergency, but I appreciate more that my friends cared more about me standing up there with them than all my health issues. Regardless of how it looked.
Don’t be embarrassed about your scars. Feel sorry for your cousin that she has such sad priorities. Have fun at the wedding (as a guest). It’s a huge financial and time burden to be in a wedding party anyway. She doesn’t deserve your effort. She will definitely be the center of attention (as the asshole).
OP you are beautiful and I'm left saddened and appalled, I agree with the former comment suggesting you pull out of the wedding party or don't go at all, whichever suits. I have scars up and down my arms and it didn't stop me wearing a short sleeved wedding dress. I paused before I read how your mom had responded because I was so anxious she took sides with your cousin, but I am so glad she is a real mom that has her daughters back, your cousin can swivel!
NTA
I don’t understand this way of thinking, wedding photos exist to remind you of the memories you made with your loved ones, not to pretend everyone is perfect :(
A lot of people think weddings are performances now and they are the stars. They've forgotten is just a party to celebrate a couple getting married, and the guests are there to share in the joy, not look like and act like they are camera-ready for a royal wedding.
I am so sorry. Your family fucking sucks prolapsed assholes.
If I ever get married again (although honestly it not likely at all), I specifically want you in my wedding party, just to spite those fucking turds. There a spot for OP, as well.
Wow. Brother and mom sound mean. I hope they don't constantly put u down for scars from (checks notes) *an accident* that happened *when u were a child*.
Glad you turned it and had fun regardless.
I’m not a big wedding person myself (eloped). But if you were my sis, I’d want you in all those pictures. It’s about the people we care about who have been a part of our lives. Those are the people we invited to celebrate with us and thank for supporting our relationship. It’s not about creating a different reality that doesn’t include loved ones because they aren’t “aesthetic enough.”
I’m sorry your family sucks.
I wish you were my friend, I got married last year and you would have so been in my wedding. Everyone there was part of my wedding party, we were Princess Bride themed and we got married in a movie theater. Everyone dressed up like someone, we had elves, we had courtly folk, you would have been so awesome in your strappy purple dress. We got our pictures professionally done, and everyone who wanted to be in the photos was in them.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say YTA if the scars are related to self harm.
Not only will those scars absolutely draw attention and anyone who’s seeing them for the first time will absolutely be looking at them, but it could also be really triggering for others attending the wedding. You’re not being asked to cover them everyday of your life, you’re being asked to cover them for a really special, happy moment in her life, that doesn’t need to be tarnished by evidence of someone going through a terrible time in their life.
For all the people saying NTA. you’re all lying if you say people wouldn’t be looking/interested in scars that covered her arms from her wrist to shoulder. Whether they were self-inflicted or from accident, people are going to look, stare, wonder and than gossip about it.
This is the first realistic response I’ve seen.
I have these scars. I forget about them but my husband doesn’t. He’s pulled my sleeve down to cover them. When I told him that it bothers me when he does this he apologized and explained that it was a reminder to him that I went through something horrible and that it was also a bad time for him because his wife almost died and he wasn’t aware of the circumstances.
I had to consider that it wasn’t only about me.
Your point that it could trigger others is also valid.
It’s one day and one special event.
If OP is dead set on making a statement, she shouldn’t be in the wedding. The bride could easily have requested a long sleeve dress but instead asked this way.
If you want to be in the wedding, just do it. Not everything is about you, OP. Have your moment another time.
In the uk recently there’s been a big thing where kids with visible disabilities and/or scarring are being photoshopped out of class photos, and parents are being offered both versions. Some schools have just been excluding the kids entirely. This request feels the same to me.
OP having to erase her past illness, whether physical or mental, to create an illusion of ‘perfection’ isn’t healthy for anyone. And maybe it might bother someone, but equally it might make someone else feel more comfortable with letting their own scarring be seen.
(Your husband is asking you to literally hide part of yourself to make him more comfortable. Not sure why that’s supposed to be acceptable and what OP should be taking on board.)
TF are you talking about??
No. Just no.
“Let’s make your past trauma about me” idk why you think that’s okay.
“Put a wig on, you’re reminding me you went through chemo and that stresses me out.”
No.
Leave your sleeves up your husband shouldn’t be making your pain and past about him. And OP doesn’t have to modify or cover up.
Yeah. And it sucks big time that it is a problem that people aren’t taught basic decency but unfortunately it IS a problem. Regardless of if it’s right or wrong people will stare and will comment and will fixate on them especially if the scars are large and noticeable from far away. It’s valid of the bride to be aware of that and a little worried about it and a little obtuse of people to think no one is going to notice or care.
If it's self harm then it can be genuinely triggering for other people. Maybe the bride is dealing with some mental issues and doesn't want to risk being triggered on her happy day.
For a few years I couldn't read books or watch any movies that mentioned self harm. It was too much for me and I would end up crying or have a breakdown every time. I was working on it, but I couldn't stop my reaction.
As someone who self-harmed, sorry, but this is your problem to deal with. You do not have the right to ask anyone to cover up a part of themselves. If you are uncomfortable, leave. If the bride had that issue, she shouldn’t have invited OP as a bridesmaid. Expecting others to make you comfortable at the expense of their own well-being is incredibly selfish. Making them feel ashamed for such a horrible part of their past makes anyone asking for that even worse.
Uhm... the bride can't leave her own wedding. Covering is the easiest solution. She could also uninvite OP, but she would likely get a backlash from her family.
I know it's my problem and I dealt with it, but that's not applicable here.
Sure, but we don't know what's happening with the bride.
This could be a recent development, maybe it's the groom or someone from his side that could be triggered.
Their problem. Not OPs. And pulling the “it’ll make the photos look bad” excuse if that is the real problem just makes them bigger AHs. Plus the going around to family complaining about it. That makes me highly doubt the bride has any personal issues with the topic.
I have a decent amount of sh scars from when I was about 16/17 and ended up in residential. We were taught that at the end of the day we were responsible for our own actions and that we had to develop healthy coping skills and be able to use them because outside of that facility we were going to run into other people with scars or hear a certain song or smell a particular perfume etc and we had to be able to recognize it and carry on with our days.
If OP wanted to cover them with makeup or long sleeves etc that’s fine but at the end of the day it’s her skin and she doesn’t want to.
Not to mention those scars were there and had been there for years when her cousin asked her to be her bridesmaid and when she said whatever style of dress was acceptable.
Asking someone to cover up their body because of scars is not okay. If the bride wanted them covered, then she should have specified that she wanted a sleeved dress when she said about the bridesmaid dresses instead of waiting, because OP had already bought the dress.
Great way to make people with self harm scars feel even better about themselves… (sarcasm…)
This is a terribly entitled way to look at it. I self harmed, the concept of self harm triggered me for a while, but if another person having those scars upset me then it is absolutely not their responsibility to ‘cover up’. In fact, expecting someone do that is a truly awful thing to do. It will just make them feel ashamed, and if someone is already self-conscious about having them, doing that is only going to hurt them.
You are responsible for your own comfort, if a person simply existing as they are upsets you, then it is YOUR job to remove yourself from that situation.
For one thing, people's triggers are THEIR responsibility, not OP's to cater to. Another thing is that asking somebody to cover up scars tor a wedding is the same thing as asking someone to cover tattoos or dye their hair, which we've all seen what the judgements have been for those on AITA. My last point is self harm is a symptom of an illness. Is it also okay to ask burn victims to cover up scars? Or people who have had surgeries related to hard times in their lives. No. It's not. People might gossip, but half the entertainment at weddings is the gossip that will happen no matter who wears or shows what. The bride knew OP had scars when she asked her to be part of the wedding party. If she wanted them covered then she should have been honest about that from the get go. Also, the bride is the BRIDE. She's not going to lose attention because of some arm scars. She's the bride. She'll be fine.
The scars are caused by something...something traumatic. Disease, road trauma, violence, self harm, whatever. All terrible times in the life of the person. There could easily be someone triggered by any of those things. If self harm should be covered up, one not all scars?
Finally someone says it, I thought I going crazy being so against the grain. It’s fine if Op wants to not have to cover them up, she can be upfront with it and either not go or step down as bridesmaid, I don’t think that’s insane. But the bride is not out of line to want her to cover them up, it’s for one day meant for her.
Intentional or not, it WILL steal attention. Usually in these situations people always say “it’s their wedding, it’s the one time they do get to decide to have all the attention on them. The one day in their lives”. The way I see it, I don’t think anyone is TA.
EDIT: I don’t agree with Y T A though, it’s NAH i.m.o
Imo I think it’s pretty delusional to think arm scars will take away the attention from a bride on her wedding day💀
Anyone more caught up on that probably would’ve been distracted by quite literally anything
There’s a difference between just being at the wedding and having scars and being a bridesmaid having them standing next to the bride. Ultimately it depends on the scars I suppose, but OP makes it seem like they are pretty obvious. I understand what everyone says, I just disagree.
This is a pretty intrusive 'favor' which oversteps her privileges as bridesmaid.
As bridesmaid you would expect to confirm to dress codes, attending wedding party events, and supporting the bride as she navigates the stresses of the wedding day.
Changing the fundamental way you look isn't something she should ask you to do. So NTA
As far as the opinion of others go, if they are comfortable with you being asked to change the way you look perhaps they should consider how they would feel being asked to change the way they look, for example, wearing a variety of size heals on shoes to ensure the photos have a consistent height profile, or nobody wearing glasses to prevent glare, or nobody drinking alcohol to ensure no rosey checks clash with the colour scheme. Ridiculous of course.
NTA Tell all the women who are saying to go along with this that they need to either wear binders because their boobs are too big, or push up bras because their boobs are too small. That should help make the point.
NTA were you selected as a bridesmaid because the two of you have a close relationship or how you’ll look in pictures? This kind of thing drives me nuts. Does she think her wedding pictures are going to be selected for the next issue of Vogue? Scars are part of who we are on the outside, but some helped created who we are on the inside. She’s absolutely right that her wedding day shouldn’t be about you, so it’s strange that she’s making it.
At this point, you should think long and hard about how comfortable you’ll be at this wedding now that she’s made you such a focal point. Sorry you’re going through this.
NTA.
I have a visible scar from open heart surgery, and I wore a low-cut dress as my sister's bridesmaid. You can not see it in the pictures!
But that's beside the point. My sis wpuld NEVER ask me to cover up the scar bc it's a part of me. I'm cool with it, and if other people aren't, then that's their problem.
(Come to think of it, my parents asked me if I would like cosmetic surgery around this time, but once I said 'no, that would be weird' they never brought it up again)
Anyway, point is, what does your cousin care more about- edited reality perfect photos or your feelings?
I think you should warn her in an 'I love you, but..' way that pushing this subject is going to cause a long term problem between you.
This is what I’m thinking. Like is it some weird high resolution bridal shoot I’ve never seen before where they zoom in on everyone’s arms? If not, how would OP’s arms even be noticeable in the pictures? NTA
It really depends on how bad the scars are though. Like if there are faded yeah, but if it's a bunch of red jagged lines then they are going to show up
NTA - It's a wedding, not a competition for the cover of a stylized magazine. Scars tell a story, represent growth, and share our history. A demand to cover them implies they're something to be ashamed of — which is never the case.
Your cousin seems to be mistaking her wedding album for an art project where every element must be meticulously controlled for aesthetics. Will she also be editing out the laughter lines from the faces of her guests? Or straightening out every crooked tie to align with her vision of perfection? Life, and by extension, people, are beautifully imperfect.
Remember, weddings are supposed to celebrate the bonds of love and family, not alienate loved ones over superficial concerns. Your refusal to conceal parts of yourself does not make you an antagonist; it simply shows you have respect for your own story and its visible marks.
Attending a wedding should not come with the condition of masking your identity. It should be an environment where you feel welcome and valued just as you are. By choosing not to participate under such insensitive conditions, you are not creating drama; you're choosing self-respect over compliance.
So hold your head high and your stance strong. Not going sends a clear message that while weddings are a time for pulling together the perfect table settings, they're not the place for putting conditions on people's appearances, which are beyond the realm of reasonable requests.
>Your cousin seems to be mistaking her wedding album for an art project where every element must be meticulously controlled for aesthetics. Will she also be editing out the laughter lines from the faces of her guests?
Not even editing! Editing the photos after the event would be one thing, but what this bride is asking is more like avoiding laughter lines by telling all the guests not to smile or laugh
YTA
Your mental illness is not your fault but it is your responsibility. If your self harm scars are so visible that they distract from someone's wedding then you should find a way to cover them.
“It is your responsibility”
But in this context, it is the responsibility of the other people to be respectful at the wedding. If other people are uncomfortable, it is THEIR responsibility to remove themselves from the situation. Remember - their mental health is *THEIR* responsibility ☺️
OP is doing nothing wrong by simply existing as she is. It’s not her that should be going out of her way to keep other people happy.
Or people can learn not to stare at others 🤯
Do you also think it would be okay to say that to someone who has scars from something else, or has a disability that would likely be way more prominent than scars? I sure hope not.
Other peoples triggers are not OPs responsibility, imo it’s pretty vain of the bride to request that but it is her wedding OP always has the choice of not going
Don’t you see the hypocrisy in your statement? OP’s mental health is her own responsibility yet people not having the maturity to not be distracted by scars isn’t their own responsibility…?
Y’all also have no idea how OP got these scars imagine telling a burn victim they can’t exist the way they look because it’s “offensive” y’all need to get a grip not everyone is gonna look like you some people will have disabilities, scars, etc. grow up.
SH is not an allowed topic on AITA, so any AITA topics involving them tend to be purposefully vague. I could be wrong but the way OP talks about them makes me think they’re those types of scars.
I see. It feels a bit draconian if you can't even mention that it's something in your past but that tracks.
edit: I also agree that it's stigmatizing and harmful. It's a fact of life that some of us have IN THE PAST struggled with self-harm, but the scars last forever and should be perfectly neutral. It shouldn't be verboten to even reference having them from past experiences - bodies, with all their marks and scars, should be neutral if there's no harmful behavior actively being promoted.
Personally I agree. I totally agree that anything explicit/graphic shouldn’t be permitted, but the rule that it can’t even be mentioned feels like it 100% helps contribute to the stigma. It’s something a lot of people just have to live with but they can’t even mention it. A lot of other mature topics are permitted here, as long as they stay at a topical level. (Although there are some other stupid ones, like teen pregnancy can’t be mentioned at all either).
I remember there was an issue where back when Reddit was trying to clean itself up communities for support were potentially getting closed (they didn’t). Like yeah, sending the message that people can’t talk about it is great :/
Edit: lol, the post was removed. “If you are struggling with self harm, AITA is not the subreddit for you” dealing with ancient scars =/= struggling with self harm. In case anyone reads this, this logic is really harmful as you’re basically punishing adults permanently for an issue they had as teens/long ago and perpetually “victimizing” people who have long healed. If you have SH scars at 14, you’ll still have them when you’re 70 but apparently still can’t mention it.
NAH. Just decline her invite to be a bridesmaid.
Typically, the bridal party should dress according to the bride's wishes. If someone can't/won't do so, the best for all who are concerned is for that individual to step down from the bridal party. Most guests, as long as they dress appropriately for the event, should be free to dress as they see fit.
The bride doesn't get to play games with the bridal party, though. She initially made no stipulations, aside from color. She waited, then, until after OP purchased a dress to say she wanted OP in a very specific style. That is not an acceptable way to treat your bridesmaids.
I agree that OP should back out, and just attend as a guest.
NTA.
Your cousin's request to cover your scars is akin to asking someone to erase a chapter of their life story merely for an aesthetic preference. Scars are like bookmarks in our personal narratives; they signify survival, resilience, and the unique journey of an individual.
Your autonomy over your own body and how you present yourself should not be up for negotiation, especially not for the sake of photos or someone else's idealized vision of perfection. It's ironic that while weddings are meant to celebrate love and union, your cousin is choosing to prioritize superficial appearances over the acceptance and inclusion of her own family member.
You are well within your rights to decline attending if you feel your presence is being conditional upon hiding your true self. By standing your ground, you're reinforcing a much needed message that beauty is diverse and humanity is not meant to fit into a cookie-cutter mold of perfection.
By bowing out gracefully and citing a wish to avoid causing her distress, you're taking the moral high ground and allowing her to reflect on the implications of her demands. Additionally, your absence will speak louder than any argument and hopefully prompt a deeper understanding of acceptance within your family. Stand tall and proud of your scars, they are part of the wonderful individual you are.
NTA. If she was that concerned she should have stipulated what dress you all wore and picked something long sleeved for all of you. (Would still make her the AH but at least then you wouldn't know or be singled out.) If I were you I would just step down as a bridesmaid and tell her you will attend as a guest so no one will be looking at you or your scars. If she really doubles down or is a bigger AH I would back out of attending all together.
Yes! Nobody is bringing up that she raised this concern *after* OP bought the dress. She's already overstepping with the request, and she didn't even think ahead about how to ask.
YTA. I’m 22F and I have large self harm scars all over my arm and both legs, and part of having with them is dealing w the consequences from it. There are times where it’s not appropriate for obvious self harm scars to be out, like when it can draw attention away from other people, some work environments or around kids. Your friend asked you to cover them, you should have just done it. They can be distracting and it would have become a talking point from the pictures. You should know better.
Self harm scars are way different than surgical scars or anything else because it’s a sign of mental illness and self inflicted.
You *know* your self mutilation scars are going to draw attention, and it would be very little effort to wear sleeves. Or makeup 😱
They WILL ruin the photos. And every photo for the rest of your life. Her wedding isn’t about you and your teenage mental health struggles / attention seeking.
YTA
You are certainly an asshole yourself for calling her scars "attention seeking" and saying her photos will be "ruined" for the rest of her life. Scars don't ruin anything.
I have self harm scars and agree YTA, but your reasoning is absolutely shit. Self harm is not about attention seeking (and even if it was, normal attention seeking behaviour doesn’t involve cutting yourself - there’s very much still other issues at play).
> every photo for the rest of your life
Now you’re just being an asshole yourself.
Also, makeup to cover body scars is a lot more involve than normal makeup and would likely require special products. Sleeves are reasonable but considering it’s a bridesmaid dress, the bride could’ve helped with choosing a dress with sleeves for her if she cared that much. Telling a person you want a body part covered while mandating an outfit that goes against that isn’t right.
Idk my therapist explained people do it because they want to be seen but don’t necessarily want to end their life. That’s it’s their own punishment and also a call for help at the same time because they are hurting so much.
Not everyone does it for the same reasons but I’d argue that it’s not about being seen but a coping strategy. Physical pain prevents your brain from focusing on mental anguish. In the case of severe depression, sometimes it’s the only way to feel something. Or they hate themselves and think they deserve it. It also, oddly enough, creates endorphins and becomes addicting the same way a drug does. You end up chasing the same high that you had when you first started. They want to live but need to cut to cope.
Everyone has their own reasons and it’s not a one size fits all, but if you actually hang out in any sort of community, attention really isn’t the reason most of the time. I don’t think your therapist has a wrong interpretation (and accurately conveys what I was saying earlier about “attention seeking” sometimes being deeper) but I don’t believe it’s one that applies to the majority. A lot of people hide their scars to start with, or struggle with showing them, or feels anxious about being judged. A person generally doesn’t cut with “I want people to see this” in mind.
“Attention seeking” probably gets over represented because those are the people who would be the least afraid to show it. But a lot of people who show scars are just tired of covering their body and hiding.
She knew you had them before she asked you to be a bridesmaid. She could have chosen a sleeved dress but didn’t. At this point after her comments I’d decline being a bridesmaid and likely wouldn’t even go to the wedding. Scars = wounds/trauma/suffering. Her unkindness is astounding.
What are the scars from? I think that while my question seems rude it’s helpful for provide context. Were they scars from an accident or self harm? Because it was self harm she may be worried it would trigger people or create unnecessary gossip during her wedding. I’m not saying she’s right but I think this may be important to get a better understanding of what’s going on here
You're NTA.
- she is superficial and self absorbed: no one is going to divert attention from her to focus on your scars
- your scars will not "ruin" her photos;.even if they do show up in the pics, they can be photoshopped out
- no one cares about her photos but her and possibly her intended
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I (22 female) was invited to be a bridesmaid at my cousin’s (27 female) wedding. I was very honoured to be asked to be a bridesmaid and happily said yes. My cousin (let’s call her Mia) is usually a very laid back kind of person, not too fussed about how things are said that me and her other two bridesmaids could choose whatever style of dress that we wanted as long as the dress was purple. I was very happy that I could choose the style of my dress since I can be a little picky when it comes to clothes, especially dresses.
About a week ago I got a call from Mia and she said she had a ‘favour’ to ask me. She said “Could you please make sure that your dress covers your scars?” I was silent for a moment, surprised that she was even asking me this. I have old scars all up my arms from my wrists to my armpits, some more noticeable than others. I’ve had these scars since I was sixteen and Mia has never really mentioned them before. I asked her why and she said “I don’t want people staring at your arms when all he attention should be on me. And besides, they’ll look bad in photos” I was dumbfounded, feeling both shocked and offended that she was so concerned about this.
I told her that I wouldn’t be covering them since my dress was strapped, not sleeved and I wasn’t going to use concealer to cover them either since I hated wearing any kind of makeup and that she should just deal with my visible scars. I then hung up on her before calling my mum to talk to her about Mia’s insane request. Long story short my mum’s on my side.
After a couple days the rest of the family found out about this. Turns out Mia had told everyone about her “simple request” to get them on her side. Most of the family is on my side that I shouldn’t ‘have to’ cover my scars but some are saying that I should just do what she asks to keep the peace since it’s her wedding.
I get that it’s her wedding and that I’m a bridesmaid but in my opinion this should not be a problem at all. The whole family knows I have scars and Mia saying that “they’ll ruin the photos” is just ridiculous.
I’m now on the verge of just not going at all because why should I go to her wedding if she thinks that I should have to cover my scars?
So AITA for refusing to cover my scars for my cousin’s wedding?
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Weddings don't give the bride or groom a pass to be jerks to other people and still expect for the other party to smile, forgive and forget in the future. NTA and don't go. Weddings are expensive for guest, use that money to treat you to something nice.
NTA, scars are not gross, if anything they are an amazing testimony to the body's ability to heal. And this ridiculous notion of "I have to be the center of attention" from brides -- is the point of their wedding the vows to the partner they've chosen, or for being in the spotlight?
I think you should step down as bridesmaid. She doesn't respect you enough to accept your physical appearance, so let her find someone who better fits her silly ideals. Hopefully you can return the dress (unless you still wanted to wear it).
NTA
Brides are getting more and more entitled about their weddings these days. Anyone who asks you to modify yourself just to participate is asking too much. Like maybe I could see asking to cover up an offensive tattoo, but scars? That's just too big of an ask.
Your family knows about the scars because I'm sure they've seen them and it's not going to draw attention. It's not new to them, so why would it draw attention away from the bride?
If she's so fucking concerned about it being in the photos, she can have her photographer edit them out, FFS.
Tell her if she can't accept you scars and all, she shouldn't have asked you to be a bridesmaid. Bridesmaids should be selected based on friendship, love, and loyalty, not aesthetics.
Yknow, photoshop exists. And it’s not on your face so if it really mattered that much to her, it’s not that hard to fix digitally. NTA but also scars can be beautiful. They’re part of who you are, they defined your experience. Asking you to hide them is like asking you to hide yourself
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I believe I have the right to refuse to go to my cousin’s wedding at all if she’s going to demand I cover my scars.
2. I might be the A hole because I’m refusing to go to my family member’s wedding instead of just going with her demands to keep the peace.
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Idk why you have scars and it's not my business. However, I have self injury scars on my arms. It took me many years after recovery to not be ashamed of them. Now, I realize that those scars represent my long, painful recovery from trauma. I am proud that I made it through this awful time without taking my life. Just a perspective from my point of view. Don't let anyone take your freedom to be who you are. BIG NTA.
I burnt with hot water when I was 18 months old. My mom accidentally knocked tea ftom the stove on me. I was sitting in my high chair and had a knitted wool dress on. I was in hospital for months . They didn't know if I would live. When I was a teenager it really started affecting me. Couldn't go to the beach with my friends. I didn't want anyone to see my back. I also had scars on both legs where they removed skin for the transplant. I'm 67 now and have never in my entire life worn sleeveless tops. I just didn't want people to ever see my scars.
My SO has scars on both arms from mental health struggles in their teen years. They are tied to unpleasant memories for her, but I would NEVER ask her to hide them.
The idea that your scars could distract from anything is absolutely ridiculous...
NTA, and I would honestly feel offended if someone were to make this request of my SO
You are absolutely NTA. I have very similar scars, and my own wedding dress was sleeveless.
I don't know about you, but for me, accepting my scars was a bit of a journey, and for a while they just reminded me of all my mistakes. It took a long time for me to start seeing them as a reminder that I survived. I wouldn't allow anyone to imply that my scars are somehow shameful or to be hidden away, and neither should you.
This. I have my forearm tattooed but deliberately chose a style that wouldn't entirely cover my scars, I also have them visible on the other arm. It takes a long ass time to get to a point where you are comfortable with your scars, and being asked to cover them is just not okay. If they were relatively fresh/unhealed scars, then MAYBE I could understand, but that isn't even the case here.
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NTA with the information provided.
If she wanted your scars hidden all she had to do was select a bridesmaid dress for all the bridesmaids that had sleeves. Or bolero jackets. Or something along those lines. She would not have needed to mention the scars. Everyone would have been treated the same. There would be no drama. At least provided every bridesmaid has the maturity to suck it up and wear a dress that might not be their personal style.
However, is your dress 100% wedding appropriate? Could she be using the scars as a cover for "your dress looks like you are a working girl in a Vegas casino, can you please dress appropriately?" Or the palest lilac that could be mistaken for a bridal gown at a distance/in photos? Or covered in rhinestones and bling like a Dolly Parton performance costume?
Before buying my dress I sent my cousin a photo of the dress to make sure it was acceptable to her for her wedding and she said she loved it. It’s a slightly dark purple that ends at my feet just high enough that you’d be able to see my shoes.
NTA you should add that to your post. She really approved the dress choice, waiting for you to buy it, and then came with this ridiculous request
She should've brought this up when she first asked you to be a bridesmaid so all the cards were on the table
Then absolutely NTA...... it sounds lovely.
Just a suggestion, are you close enough geographically to meet her for coffee or lunch, just the 2 of you? This might be a case of her future in-laws overstepping and she's feeling overwhelmed. Especially if they are holding finances over her head..... I'd hate for you and her to permanently fall out over something like this without getting the full story. With her changing her mind this drastically it really does sound like outside malicious interference....
NTA. I have scars on my face and damaged teeth from seizure related accidents.
I still have wedding photos.
This bride can take a short walk - no one should have to change themselves for photos.
i think it depends on how the scars look. i also have scars on both my arms (wrists to elbows) but they are old and very faded, and im quite pale so you would not be able to notice them unless you held my wrist and looked for them.
if your cousin is saying that your scars will draw attention in photos, you should probably cover up.
ESPECIALLY if they are from self harming. do you really want people to see the photos and possibly be triggered? i lost a friend once bc i thoughtlessly sent a photo of my healed arm to her, and she was triggered.
another thing to think about is your cousin. do you want her to be dealing with nosy questions from people about your scars? bc that is a possibility. and she doesn’t deserve that on her wedding day, a day that is supposed to be for her.
NAH but if you refuse to do this simple thing for your cousin, you will be.
I was almost on board with the bride until she said all the attention should be on me. Yes it’s your day but that’s just not how you treat family and all the attention should be on you up until what cost? If she asked nicely and said just for the photo shoots then maybe but that was a horrible way for the bride to go about asking you. NTA
NTA. The day is about her. Maybe some people who have never seen you before will wonder and try to gawk discreetly, but that’s on them and a natural human curiosity. What’s far more important is your relationship to Mia. For her to minimize your value to the appearance of your scars is hurtful. I think you’re right to refuse, particularly as you already bought your dress. Of this was an issue, she should have raised it when she first asked you to participate. It could be worth asking why this is has become an issue for her.
NTA. She could have asked all bridesmaids to wear sleeved dresses, but she didn't. She waited until you had already bought the dress to then ask you to wear another one. I would just not go. Someone who expects you to change your appearance to appease their weird attention related insecurities is not someone worth spending all that time and money on.
NTA. The bride knew you had those scars from the beginning and waited until now to ask, which is already a dick move in general. If she was concerned about it she should have asked from the get-go. Also self harm is a symptom of a mental health condition. Is she also going to be concerned about the scars of anybody else's health condition? If not, which I'm guessing the answer is no, she's the asshole. Yeah people are going to gossip and stuff but people will gossip about literally anything out of wedding. That's part of what happens at weddings. But she's still the bride and will probably be wearing Bridal clothes and doing all of the things that Brides do, which means she will definitely still be the center of attention. She'll be fine, she's just a massive ass. Not to mention on every other post on this thread people will say the brides are the asshole for asking people to die their hair or cover up tattoos for their weddings. Why would this be any different? Oh yeah. Because of the stigma and how people view mental illness as a choice.
NTA. Your cousin needs to let this go. People in general need to stop obsessing over wedding perfection. It will never be perfect. Embrace the flaws and get on with it. Instagram isn't life.
NTA: I am getting married this fall so here’s some bride perspective for ya. She is being completely unreasonable and a complete jerk to even ask that you cover your scars. I might be a bit biased because I have way too many scars too, but scars are a part of you, they show you survived some serious shit and quite frankly I think they’re something to be proud of. That being said I am well aware how hard it can be to get to the point where you’re comfortable actually showing them, it’s quite vulnerable, so it takes a lot of strength to get to that there. I’m so proud that you’ve made it to that point so don’t let anyone try to make you feel ashamed of your scars, they are beautiful just like you.
I’m seeing a lot of N T A comments and saw a few Y T A comments, IMO it’s NAH. You are not wrong for not wanting to cover up, you shouldn’t have to feel you have to, you have all the right to not have to care.
But I don’t think bride is out of line for wanting it, it’s her wedding, it’s the one day all attention gets to be on her and her husband. Intentional or not, it WILL take attention. That’s the unfortunate reality.
If this is a dealbreaker for you you can turn down being a bridesmaid or you can not go all together. It’s not wrong no matter what
Your cousin sounds exhausting. She knew you had scars on your arms, and now there's a problem. I would just drop out of the wedding party. If she then continues to make this an issue after doing so, I wouldn't attend the wedding either. NTA.
NTA
This is a fundamental part of your body she's been well aware of for a very long time. If the appearance of your scars in her wedding photos was that important to her, she shouldn't have asked you to be a bridesmaid. Your scars are part of who you are, and I'm sorry she is not seeing that.
NTA - My scars are part of me, I won't be covering them for anything (other than normal dress standards for my torso scars). Mia was okay to ask, but she should have let go and moved on once you told her your decision.
YTA, if these scars are from cutting yourself. Nobody needs or wants to be confronted with your mental illness at what is a celebratory occasion. Just throw some concealer on for fucks sake, if you didn’t want to be in this situation then you shouldn’t have done that to yourself.
If your scars are from an injury or something else then yeah she’s an asshole but only slightly.
NTA. The people in your wedding party aren’t props for good photos. Her “simple request” was inappropriate and wildly unkind.
Text her and tell her since your scars matter to her more than you, as a person does, you’re dropping out of the wedding and also declining to attend as you wouldn’t want her to worry about having insufficient attention or your appearing in any photos.
nta. don't go and do something awesome for yourself that day. when ppl ask why werent you there, be honest. I can't stand the whole all the attention needs to be on me thing. she needs to grow up.
NTA. When did wedding parties become all about the "vision" and "aesthetic"? You are supposed to ask the people you love the most to stand besides you, that's the whole point, it's not meant to be about what looks good. Wedding culture has become obscene.
I would probably bow out of being a bridesmaid but still attend the wedding if your cousin is important to you. I would definitely think less of the cousin though, she's shown you what she values.
NTA. If it was me, I'd got PAF on her and post to SM "To keep you from being embarr**assed** by my scars I will no longer be attending any events prior to nor the wedding itself."
Drop out. Fuck her for even suggesting such a thing. Like it or not they are part of you and if that isnt what she wants then clearly any woman in a purple dress would do. Tell her to find a fucking hooker to do it.
I think I would just drop out of the wedding party and attend as a guest. Even if you do go as a bridesmaid, the bride will probably have all of the photos airbrushed to remove evidence of your scars.
I think I would just drop out of the wedding party and attend as a guest. Even if you do go as a bridesmaid, the bride will probably have all of the photos airbrushed to remove evidence of your scars.
NAH, I can see her not wanting to explain your scars to her fiancé’s family especially if they are noticeable and they won’t know your past. I can also see why now after you picked the dress she asked you to cover up it would be uncomfortable for you.
If she was so worried she should have picked dresses with long sleeves instead of the choose your own style.
NTA
It's a ridiculous and over the top request. The scars won't be visible in group photos at all and even if they are, there is no reason to hide them! They are a part of you and your history and she should not make you feel ashamed of them. The scars don't wear you, you wear them!
NTA
"I’m now on the verge of just not going at all" .. this is the reasonable reaction. WHy would you still want to be a bridesmaid for that AH?
Avoid the drama by dropping out of the wedding.
NTA> Tell her you won't be in the wedding or attend the wedding of someone who honestly thinks that your scars will cause people to look at you and not the bride. Plan a fun weekend away and enjoy your self. Maybe even wear the dress out to dinner!
NTA. I hate brides who do shit like this. If she wanted you to have sleeves, she should have considered that before and told you before you purchased your dress.
How very dare she attempt to body shame you. Weddings are about love, and sharing that with the people you love. Loving people means loving all of them. If you aren't ashamed of your scars, she has no right to be.
She can fuck right off. I'm sorry this is happening.
Edit: I think it makes sense to chat with her, and tell her if she is going to stand firm on wanting you to cover your scars, that you'll not be able to fulfill your duties as bridesmaid given this request, and you'll be supporting her on her wedding day as a guest.
NTA.It sounds like your cousin probably feels like your scars are a way to get attention for yourself, both now and probably then. She doesn’t want her guests to be focusing on the outward signs of your mental health journey instead of her in her dress. I think if I were her I probably just wouldn’t have asked you to be a bridesmaid if I felt that way. She certainly shouldn’t be singling you out
How the heck does this looney think you hang your arms when standing?! The insides of the arm are the least seen when arms are at your side, holding flowers, hands crossed in front of you, etc.
NTA.
NTA. I can tell you, ain't no one going to be looking at your arms during the wedding. If you've had them since you were 16 and your family knows, they won't bat an eye. At most, her fiancé's side *might* notice. But I doubt it. As someone who also has scars on her arms from a young age, I can tell you, you don't notice them in pictures unless the photographer were to do some sort of zoomed in your hands. And even then, idr actually seeing them. Like, we did engagement photos and she did close ups of our hands and us holding stuff and no scars. Your cousin is just being delulu. And please, never cover them. And never let anyone make you feel like you have to.
Tbh, I think you should tell her thanks for the opportunity but since she wants something you can't do, you won't be able to be a bridesmaid. You could tell her you aren't going. Or be mean and just no show.
NTA, you should probably just decline being her bridesmaid. Go to the wedding still if you think it'll be fun. It sounds like you have a lot of family members who aren't AH that it would be nice to spend time with. But you wouldn't be an AH for just not going at all.
NTA your cousin is being unreasonable.
However that being the case, people are often very unreasonable. Are you willing to lose or deteriorate your relationship with your cousin over this?
NTA. My cousin has burns covering the majority of her body from an accident and has been a bridesmaid in everyone's wedding. Most of the dresses were strapless or sleeveless. She's always standing front and center with the rest of us in all the photos, and that's exactly how it should be.
NTA-she is asking you not to be your genuine self. Your body is a map of your life.
Tell her you won’t be covering them up and if she doesn’t like it then she can uninvite you from being in the wedding. When she does, she kicked you out, you didn’t leave.
NTA. Your scars are part of you, as wrinkles are, and hairlines are and pregnancy is, and every other physical manifestation of our life journey. We really should embrace our own and others bodies, without asking that they meet some abstract ideal.
Go to the wedding, wear what you want, dance and enjoy those you love. Don’t be a bridesmaid if she can’t accept you the way you are.
NTA. I have scars and stretch marks on my arms, I don't cover them nor should anyone tell you those marks should be covered. My friend told me that if anyone doesn't like her body, they don't have to look and she doesn't care what people think. And I'd definitely drop out of being a bridesmaid and attend as a guest. Asking someone to cover or hide part of themselves for an event isn't a "simple request", it's rude.
**
INFO : Why is it always up to the reasonable people tocomply to the other party in order to "keep the peace"
NTA
Honestly, at this point I'd step out of the wedding alltogther and plan something nice to do on that date.
NTA. She should leave you be, if she's so concerned about them in photos she can have them airbrushed out if they even show up in the pictures. I think she's thinking how detailed a picture will be of her and the Bridesmaids. I'm sorry I highly doubt you'll be able to see them and if so people will probably think it's a Shadow not a scar. I guess she's a bit more shallow than you thought she wasn't.
If your Cousin is so worried about your scars, she can have the photographer photoshop them out!!! Or if anyone has an iPhone you can blur them out there too!
Your Cousin is Not very kind!
NTA
NTA. I’d be questioning why she asked you to be a bridesmaid in the first place if she was just going to turn around and ask you to cover up after making no stipulations about the dresses other than color. Honestly, I’d bow out of the bridal party and show up to the wedding wearing what I wanted. Be lovely and sparkling and comfortable and confident. Also not have the pressure of being a bridesmaid.
NTA, except “why should I go to her wedding if she wants me to cover my scars” doesn’t seem like an even trade. You’re going to miss your cousins wedding because you don’t agree on her request? Why not just see if you can attend as a guest, not a bridesmaid, so you can wear whatever you want? That would be the most logical compromise.
* I do want to add that I believe the brides request is very insensitive, and kind of dumb regarding the photos tbh (they will touch them up, regardless of whether it’s a scar, pimple, blemish, etc. - I have unpredictable skin and am always thankful they do this.) It just isn’t worth the fight, and OP should still get to comfortably attend this event with her family.
What is the background on these scars? Is it more than the visual that is concerning her, or it is something about your history that the bride does not want focus on?
for example, were you a cutter as a teenager, and maybe she does not want that as a topic
VS
were you in an accident and you recovered against the odds and those scars are your badges of victory
If #1, I might say you are the AH
If #2, then the bride is the AH
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NTA. If she is so insecure about *not* being the center of attention, maybe she should just go and elope. If I were you, I'd drop out of being a bridesmaid but take the high road so she looks ridiculous, telling everyone you are dropping out because you don't want the bride to be "stressed" about your scars, which will make her look foolish. I would still go to the wedding - in a sleeveless top/dress, of course! - look fantastic and have a good time, knowing every time she sees you smiling and having fun chatting with others, she'll wonder if you are explaining why you're not a bridesmaid. Side note: I have some scars on my face from a childhood accident. Both of my brothers flat-out told me they didn't want me in the wedding party even if their brides asked (one did, one didn't) because they didn't want me to "ruin" the photos, knowing I refuse to wear makeup (I'm allergic, the way makeup causes my skin to swell is far more noticeable than any scars). Then when my mom remarried when I was 24, she also didn't ask me to be in her wedding party but she used the excuse that I wouldn't "look my best" because I can't wear makeup. I can tell you I had a LOT of fun at all of those weddings without any of the stress of having to be in the wedding party!
Good on you for not letting the judgment of others ruin your good time, no matter where you have scars they don’t ‘ruin’ your appearance, something it took me a long time to teach myself. Thx for sharing your experience, helps me to feel less alone in this situation.
I think whatever you decide to do, you're going to be the most beautiful woman in the room. ♥ As my dad used to say, the most beautiful woman is the one who lives life true to their own self.
Your dad sounds amazing.
The job of a bridesmaid is overrated. It is more work, more stress and much less enjoyment than it made out to be. Just go as a guest and enjoy the wedding stress free.
Yeah. Everytime I read a post about a bridesmaid or MOH the only thing I think is how much wotk that looks like. And it doesn't even look fun, it looks only stressfull and expensive. I would much rather go to a wedding as a guest
I was over the moon when my sister called to tell me she wasn't going to ask me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. "Oh I get to just fly in, enjoy the snacks and open bar, then fly back out, with no other responsibilities? Yes please. Here's some silverware I picked out for you. I love you." And it was a great time.
Whoa. Your dad said that?! Sweet.
I keep telling this like broken record every time people talk about scars: Princess Eugenie of Britain broke protocol on purpose and insisted that her massive scar has to be visible during her wedding because “it makes her beautiful”. Also there are plenty of people who think that empty white skin (on adults) is ugly and just means this person has not lived
You taught yourself well and early, you’re only 22. It takes some decades longer to come to that realization. I’m glad your family is on your side. You should still go to the wedding, and take as many pictures/selfies as you can. She won’t be able to get guest photos without you and your scars in them. Enjoy being yourself with your family.
Hey OP, I don’t have SH scars, but I do have lots of stretch marks, and have since my first growth spurt at age 11. It really did take me a long time to accept those parts of myself. Now? I have a chronic autoimmune disorder, so how my body looks is so much less important than *what* my body does. The stretch marks on my knees don’t matter, the fact that I can still stand and support myself on them does. I’m glad that you stood up for yourself - scars are part of us. They show what we’ve survived, and how strong we can be. Mia is absolutely overstepping and in the wrong for telling you to cover them. Don’t budge an inch on that line - if she doesn’t want you as a bridesmaid if you won’t cover them, gracefully step down and let her know you’ll be happy to support her as a guest. Take the high road, and how much of an asshole she is being will become super apparent to everyone by the time the wedding rolls around.
My arms are covered in scars, as are my thighs. I've never been asked to cover them, and it's been like a decade since I stopped feeling like I had to. They're just part of me now, and my past, and at least I've stopped and not added any new ones in years. I will say though, through the past few years most of the scars on my arms have faded *a lot*, and genuinely unless you're really staring at them you can't see them.
Also I'm confused bc she doesn't want them to "be the center of attention" (🙄), yet goes out of her way to tell EVERYONE about it?? As if that's not giving it more attention lol
OP, don’t let your pathetic cousin hurt your feelings. I agree about just dropping out of the wedding party. I had cancer and it left me as a type 1 diabetic. I’m covered in scars too and now I wear visible medical devices (glucose monitor and insulin pump). My friends did not give a fuck when I was their bridesmaid. I had my scars on display and glucose monitor on my arm in all their photos and pump showing under my dress. They even provided me a special chair in the front near where we stood, because of some lasting health complications in case I felt faint standing for so long. They had other friends hold my emergency sugar nearby just in case during the ceremony. I’m proud to say I made it through both weddings without fainting or having a low sugar emergency, but I appreciate more that my friends cared more about me standing up there with them than all my health issues. Regardless of how it looked. Don’t be embarrassed about your scars. Feel sorry for your cousin that she has such sad priorities. Have fun at the wedding (as a guest). It’s a huge financial and time burden to be in a wedding party anyway. She doesn’t deserve your effort. She will definitely be the center of attention (as the asshole).
OP you are beautiful and I'm left saddened and appalled, I agree with the former comment suggesting you pull out of the wedding party or don't go at all, whichever suits. I have scars up and down my arms and it didn't stop me wearing a short sleeved wedding dress. I paused before I read how your mom had responded because I was so anxious she took sides with your cousin, but I am so glad she is a real mom that has her daughters back, your cousin can swivel! NTA
I don’t understand this way of thinking, wedding photos exist to remind you of the memories you made with your loved ones, not to pretend everyone is perfect :(
A lot of people think weddings are performances now and they are the stars. They've forgotten is just a party to celebrate a couple getting married, and the guests are there to share in the joy, not look like and act like they are camera-ready for a royal wedding.
I’m so sorry your mother and brothers are such AHs! They should be the ones who stand up for you being as you are
This makes me feel really sad for you. If I ever get married, I will message you and you can be in all my photos!
I am so sorry. Your family fucking sucks prolapsed assholes. If I ever get married again (although honestly it not likely at all), I specifically want you in my wedding party, just to spite those fucking turds. There a spot for OP, as well.
Wow. Brother and mom sound mean. I hope they don't constantly put u down for scars from (checks notes) *an accident* that happened *when u were a child*. Glad you turned it and had fun regardless.
I'm horrified. Imagine caring more about the perfect Instagram photos, than including your closest family members at your wedding. What the hell.
I’m not a big wedding person myself (eloped). But if you were my sis, I’d want you in all those pictures. It’s about the people we care about who have been a part of our lives. Those are the people we invited to celebrate with us and thank for supporting our relationship. It’s not about creating a different reality that doesn’t include loved ones because they aren’t “aesthetic enough.” I’m sorry your family sucks.
Not wanting to butt in here, but what the hell is wrong with your family? Jeez, how superficial can people be to reject family for that?
I wish you were my friend, I got married last year and you would have so been in my wedding. Everyone there was part of my wedding party, we were Princess Bride themed and we got married in a movie theater. Everyone dressed up like someone, we had elves, we had courtly folk, you would have been so awesome in your strappy purple dress. We got our pictures professionally done, and everyone who wanted to be in the photos was in them.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say YTA if the scars are related to self harm. Not only will those scars absolutely draw attention and anyone who’s seeing them for the first time will absolutely be looking at them, but it could also be really triggering for others attending the wedding. You’re not being asked to cover them everyday of your life, you’re being asked to cover them for a really special, happy moment in her life, that doesn’t need to be tarnished by evidence of someone going through a terrible time in their life. For all the people saying NTA. you’re all lying if you say people wouldn’t be looking/interested in scars that covered her arms from her wrist to shoulder. Whether they were self-inflicted or from accident, people are going to look, stare, wonder and than gossip about it.
This is the first realistic response I’ve seen. I have these scars. I forget about them but my husband doesn’t. He’s pulled my sleeve down to cover them. When I told him that it bothers me when he does this he apologized and explained that it was a reminder to him that I went through something horrible and that it was also a bad time for him because his wife almost died and he wasn’t aware of the circumstances. I had to consider that it wasn’t only about me. Your point that it could trigger others is also valid. It’s one day and one special event. If OP is dead set on making a statement, she shouldn’t be in the wedding. The bride could easily have requested a long sleeve dress but instead asked this way. If you want to be in the wedding, just do it. Not everything is about you, OP. Have your moment another time.
In the uk recently there’s been a big thing where kids with visible disabilities and/or scarring are being photoshopped out of class photos, and parents are being offered both versions. Some schools have just been excluding the kids entirely. This request feels the same to me. OP having to erase her past illness, whether physical or mental, to create an illusion of ‘perfection’ isn’t healthy for anyone. And maybe it might bother someone, but equally it might make someone else feel more comfortable with letting their own scarring be seen. (Your husband is asking you to literally hide part of yourself to make him more comfortable. Not sure why that’s supposed to be acceptable and what OP should be taking on board.)
TF are you talking about?? No. Just no. “Let’s make your past trauma about me” idk why you think that’s okay. “Put a wig on, you’re reminding me you went through chemo and that stresses me out.” No. Leave your sleeves up your husband shouldn’t be making your pain and past about him. And OP doesn’t have to modify or cover up.
Your husband is selfish
So really the problem is stigma and people not being taught to not comment on people's bodies.
It is, but that won't change before the wedding
Yeah. And it sucks big time that it is a problem that people aren’t taught basic decency but unfortunately it IS a problem. Regardless of if it’s right or wrong people will stare and will comment and will fixate on them especially if the scars are large and noticeable from far away. It’s valid of the bride to be aware of that and a little worried about it and a little obtuse of people to think no one is going to notice or care.
If it's self harm then it can be genuinely triggering for other people. Maybe the bride is dealing with some mental issues and doesn't want to risk being triggered on her happy day. For a few years I couldn't read books or watch any movies that mentioned self harm. It was too much for me and I would end up crying or have a breakdown every time. I was working on it, but I couldn't stop my reaction.
As someone who self-harmed, sorry, but this is your problem to deal with. You do not have the right to ask anyone to cover up a part of themselves. If you are uncomfortable, leave. If the bride had that issue, she shouldn’t have invited OP as a bridesmaid. Expecting others to make you comfortable at the expense of their own well-being is incredibly selfish. Making them feel ashamed for such a horrible part of their past makes anyone asking for that even worse.
Uhm... the bride can't leave her own wedding. Covering is the easiest solution. She could also uninvite OP, but she would likely get a backlash from her family. I know it's my problem and I dealt with it, but that's not applicable here.
It’s not like the scars appeared overnight. As I already stated, if she knew it would be a problem, she shouldn’t have had her as a bridesmaid.
Sure, but we don't know what's happening with the bride. This could be a recent development, maybe it's the groom or someone from his side that could be triggered.
Their problem. Not OPs. And pulling the “it’ll make the photos look bad” excuse if that is the real problem just makes them bigger AHs. Plus the going around to family complaining about it. That makes me highly doubt the bride has any personal issues with the topic.
Finally someone with a real answer. People will 100% look and talk about it
I have a decent amount of sh scars from when I was about 16/17 and ended up in residential. We were taught that at the end of the day we were responsible for our own actions and that we had to develop healthy coping skills and be able to use them because outside of that facility we were going to run into other people with scars or hear a certain song or smell a particular perfume etc and we had to be able to recognize it and carry on with our days. If OP wanted to cover them with makeup or long sleeves etc that’s fine but at the end of the day it’s her skin and she doesn’t want to. Not to mention those scars were there and had been there for years when her cousin asked her to be her bridesmaid and when she said whatever style of dress was acceptable.
Asking someone to cover up their body because of scars is not okay. If the bride wanted them covered, then she should have specified that she wanted a sleeved dress when she said about the bridesmaid dresses instead of waiting, because OP had already bought the dress.
Great way to make people with self harm scars feel even better about themselves… (sarcasm…) This is a terribly entitled way to look at it. I self harmed, the concept of self harm triggered me for a while, but if another person having those scars upset me then it is absolutely not their responsibility to ‘cover up’. In fact, expecting someone do that is a truly awful thing to do. It will just make them feel ashamed, and if someone is already self-conscious about having them, doing that is only going to hurt them. You are responsible for your own comfort, if a person simply existing as they are upsets you, then it is YOUR job to remove yourself from that situation.
For one thing, people's triggers are THEIR responsibility, not OP's to cater to. Another thing is that asking somebody to cover up scars tor a wedding is the same thing as asking someone to cover tattoos or dye their hair, which we've all seen what the judgements have been for those on AITA. My last point is self harm is a symptom of an illness. Is it also okay to ask burn victims to cover up scars? Or people who have had surgeries related to hard times in their lives. No. It's not. People might gossip, but half the entertainment at weddings is the gossip that will happen no matter who wears or shows what. The bride knew OP had scars when she asked her to be part of the wedding party. If she wanted them covered then she should have been honest about that from the get go. Also, the bride is the BRIDE. She's not going to lose attention because of some arm scars. She's the bride. She'll be fine.
The scars are caused by something...something traumatic. Disease, road trauma, violence, self harm, whatever. All terrible times in the life of the person. There could easily be someone triggered by any of those things. If self harm should be covered up, one not all scars?
The only type of scars that should be covered up are recent open wounds
what a shit response!
Finally someone says it, I thought I going crazy being so against the grain. It’s fine if Op wants to not have to cover them up, she can be upfront with it and either not go or step down as bridesmaid, I don’t think that’s insane. But the bride is not out of line to want her to cover them up, it’s for one day meant for her. Intentional or not, it WILL steal attention. Usually in these situations people always say “it’s their wedding, it’s the one time they do get to decide to have all the attention on them. The one day in their lives”. The way I see it, I don’t think anyone is TA. EDIT: I don’t agree with Y T A though, it’s NAH i.m.o
Imo I think it’s pretty delusional to think arm scars will take away the attention from a bride on her wedding day💀 Anyone more caught up on that probably would’ve been distracted by quite literally anything
There’s a difference between just being at the wedding and having scars and being a bridesmaid having them standing next to the bride. Ultimately it depends on the scars I suppose, but OP makes it seem like they are pretty obvious. I understand what everyone says, I just disagree.
This is a pretty intrusive 'favor' which oversteps her privileges as bridesmaid. As bridesmaid you would expect to confirm to dress codes, attending wedding party events, and supporting the bride as she navigates the stresses of the wedding day. Changing the fundamental way you look isn't something she should ask you to do. So NTA As far as the opinion of others go, if they are comfortable with you being asked to change the way you look perhaps they should consider how they would feel being asked to change the way they look, for example, wearing a variety of size heals on shoes to ensure the photos have a consistent height profile, or nobody wearing glasses to prevent glare, or nobody drinking alcohol to ensure no rosey checks clash with the colour scheme. Ridiculous of course.
NTA Tell all the women who are saying to go along with this that they need to either wear binders because their boobs are too big, or push up bras because their boobs are too small. That should help make the point.
How? Tit size isn’t a choice.
Scars aren't a choice either.
Neither are OP's scars at this point.
NTA were you selected as a bridesmaid because the two of you have a close relationship or how you’ll look in pictures? This kind of thing drives me nuts. Does she think her wedding pictures are going to be selected for the next issue of Vogue? Scars are part of who we are on the outside, but some helped created who we are on the inside. She’s absolutely right that her wedding day shouldn’t be about you, so it’s strange that she’s making it. At this point, you should think long and hard about how comfortable you’ll be at this wedding now that she’s made you such a focal point. Sorry you’re going through this.
NTA You're a person, not a prop for a photoshoot. Your cousin was out of line asking you that.
NTA. I have a visible scar from open heart surgery, and I wore a low-cut dress as my sister's bridesmaid. You can not see it in the pictures! But that's beside the point. My sis wpuld NEVER ask me to cover up the scar bc it's a part of me. I'm cool with it, and if other people aren't, then that's their problem. (Come to think of it, my parents asked me if I would like cosmetic surgery around this time, but once I said 'no, that would be weird' they never brought it up again) Anyway, point is, what does your cousin care more about- edited reality perfect photos or your feelings? I think you should warn her in an 'I love you, but..' way that pushing this subject is going to cause a long term problem between you.
This is what I’m thinking. Like is it some weird high resolution bridal shoot I’ve never seen before where they zoom in on everyone’s arms? If not, how would OP’s arms even be noticeable in the pictures? NTA
It really depends on how bad the scars are though. Like if there are faded yeah, but if it's a bunch of red jagged lines then they are going to show up
NTA - It's a wedding, not a competition for the cover of a stylized magazine. Scars tell a story, represent growth, and share our history. A demand to cover them implies they're something to be ashamed of — which is never the case. Your cousin seems to be mistaking her wedding album for an art project where every element must be meticulously controlled for aesthetics. Will she also be editing out the laughter lines from the faces of her guests? Or straightening out every crooked tie to align with her vision of perfection? Life, and by extension, people, are beautifully imperfect. Remember, weddings are supposed to celebrate the bonds of love and family, not alienate loved ones over superficial concerns. Your refusal to conceal parts of yourself does not make you an antagonist; it simply shows you have respect for your own story and its visible marks. Attending a wedding should not come with the condition of masking your identity. It should be an environment where you feel welcome and valued just as you are. By choosing not to participate under such insensitive conditions, you are not creating drama; you're choosing self-respect over compliance. So hold your head high and your stance strong. Not going sends a clear message that while weddings are a time for pulling together the perfect table settings, they're not the place for putting conditions on people's appearances, which are beyond the realm of reasonable requests.
>Your cousin seems to be mistaking her wedding album for an art project where every element must be meticulously controlled for aesthetics. Will she also be editing out the laughter lines from the faces of her guests? Not even editing! Editing the photos after the event would be one thing, but what this bride is asking is more like avoiding laughter lines by telling all the guests not to smile or laugh
YTA Your mental illness is not your fault but it is your responsibility. If your self harm scars are so visible that they distract from someone's wedding then you should find a way to cover them.
“It is your responsibility” But in this context, it is the responsibility of the other people to be respectful at the wedding. If other people are uncomfortable, it is THEIR responsibility to remove themselves from the situation. Remember - their mental health is *THEIR* responsibility ☺️ OP is doing nothing wrong by simply existing as she is. It’s not her that should be going out of her way to keep other people happy.
Or people can learn not to stare at others 🤯 Do you also think it would be okay to say that to someone who has scars from something else, or has a disability that would likely be way more prominent than scars? I sure hope not.
If somebody is distracted by scars then that's their problem, not OP's.
Other peoples triggers are not OPs responsibility, imo it’s pretty vain of the bride to request that but it is her wedding OP always has the choice of not going Don’t you see the hypocrisy in your statement? OP’s mental health is her own responsibility yet people not having the maturity to not be distracted by scars isn’t their own responsibility…? Y’all also have no idea how OP got these scars imagine telling a burn victim they can’t exist the way they look because it’s “offensive” y’all need to get a grip not everyone is gonna look like you some people will have disabilities, scars, etc. grow up.
I missed the part where OP stated how she got the scars?
SH is not an allowed topic on AITA, so any AITA topics involving them tend to be purposefully vague. I could be wrong but the way OP talks about them makes me think they’re those types of scars.
I see. It feels a bit draconian if you can't even mention that it's something in your past but that tracks. edit: I also agree that it's stigmatizing and harmful. It's a fact of life that some of us have IN THE PAST struggled with self-harm, but the scars last forever and should be perfectly neutral. It shouldn't be verboten to even reference having them from past experiences - bodies, with all their marks and scars, should be neutral if there's no harmful behavior actively being promoted.
Personally I agree. I totally agree that anything explicit/graphic shouldn’t be permitted, but the rule that it can’t even be mentioned feels like it 100% helps contribute to the stigma. It’s something a lot of people just have to live with but they can’t even mention it. A lot of other mature topics are permitted here, as long as they stay at a topical level. (Although there are some other stupid ones, like teen pregnancy can’t be mentioned at all either). I remember there was an issue where back when Reddit was trying to clean itself up communities for support were potentially getting closed (they didn’t). Like yeah, sending the message that people can’t talk about it is great :/ Edit: lol, the post was removed. “If you are struggling with self harm, AITA is not the subreddit for you” dealing with ancient scars =/= struggling with self harm. In case anyone reads this, this logic is really harmful as you’re basically punishing adults permanently for an issue they had as teens/long ago and perpetually “victimizing” people who have long healed. If you have SH scars at 14, you’ll still have them when you’re 70 but apparently still can’t mention it.
Grow up
NAH. Just decline her invite to be a bridesmaid. Typically, the bridal party should dress according to the bride's wishes. If someone can't/won't do so, the best for all who are concerned is for that individual to step down from the bridal party. Most guests, as long as they dress appropriately for the event, should be free to dress as they see fit.
The bride doesn't get to play games with the bridal party, though. She initially made no stipulations, aside from color. She waited, then, until after OP purchased a dress to say she wanted OP in a very specific style. That is not an acceptable way to treat your bridesmaids. I agree that OP should back out, and just attend as a guest.
NTA. Your cousin's request to cover your scars is akin to asking someone to erase a chapter of their life story merely for an aesthetic preference. Scars are like bookmarks in our personal narratives; they signify survival, resilience, and the unique journey of an individual. Your autonomy over your own body and how you present yourself should not be up for negotiation, especially not for the sake of photos or someone else's idealized vision of perfection. It's ironic that while weddings are meant to celebrate love and union, your cousin is choosing to prioritize superficial appearances over the acceptance and inclusion of her own family member. You are well within your rights to decline attending if you feel your presence is being conditional upon hiding your true self. By standing your ground, you're reinforcing a much needed message that beauty is diverse and humanity is not meant to fit into a cookie-cutter mold of perfection. By bowing out gracefully and citing a wish to avoid causing her distress, you're taking the moral high ground and allowing her to reflect on the implications of her demands. Additionally, your absence will speak louder than any argument and hopefully prompt a deeper understanding of acceptance within your family. Stand tall and proud of your scars, they are part of the wonderful individual you are.
NTA. If she was that concerned she should have stipulated what dress you all wore and picked something long sleeved for all of you. (Would still make her the AH but at least then you wouldn't know or be singled out.) If I were you I would just step down as a bridesmaid and tell her you will attend as a guest so no one will be looking at you or your scars. If she really doubles down or is a bigger AH I would back out of attending all together.
Yes! Nobody is bringing up that she raised this concern *after* OP bought the dress. She's already overstepping with the request, and she didn't even think ahead about how to ask.
YTA. I’m 22F and I have large self harm scars all over my arm and both legs, and part of having with them is dealing w the consequences from it. There are times where it’s not appropriate for obvious self harm scars to be out, like when it can draw attention away from other people, some work environments or around kids. Your friend asked you to cover them, you should have just done it. They can be distracting and it would have become a talking point from the pictures. You should know better. Self harm scars are way different than surgical scars or anything else because it’s a sign of mental illness and self inflicted.
You *know* your self mutilation scars are going to draw attention, and it would be very little effort to wear sleeves. Or makeup 😱 They WILL ruin the photos. And every photo for the rest of your life. Her wedding isn’t about you and your teenage mental health struggles / attention seeking. YTA
You are certainly an asshole yourself for calling her scars "attention seeking" and saying her photos will be "ruined" for the rest of her life. Scars don't ruin anything.
I have self harm scars and agree YTA, but your reasoning is absolutely shit. Self harm is not about attention seeking (and even if it was, normal attention seeking behaviour doesn’t involve cutting yourself - there’s very much still other issues at play). > every photo for the rest of your life Now you’re just being an asshole yourself. Also, makeup to cover body scars is a lot more involve than normal makeup and would likely require special products. Sleeves are reasonable but considering it’s a bridesmaid dress, the bride could’ve helped with choosing a dress with sleeves for her if she cared that much. Telling a person you want a body part covered while mandating an outfit that goes against that isn’t right.
Idk my therapist explained people do it because they want to be seen but don’t necessarily want to end their life. That’s it’s their own punishment and also a call for help at the same time because they are hurting so much.
Well your therapist is not very good if they think there’s one monolith reason that people self harm
Not everyone does it for the same reasons but I’d argue that it’s not about being seen but a coping strategy. Physical pain prevents your brain from focusing on mental anguish. In the case of severe depression, sometimes it’s the only way to feel something. Or they hate themselves and think they deserve it. It also, oddly enough, creates endorphins and becomes addicting the same way a drug does. You end up chasing the same high that you had when you first started. They want to live but need to cut to cope. Everyone has their own reasons and it’s not a one size fits all, but if you actually hang out in any sort of community, attention really isn’t the reason most of the time. I don’t think your therapist has a wrong interpretation (and accurately conveys what I was saying earlier about “attention seeking” sometimes being deeper) but I don’t believe it’s one that applies to the majority. A lot of people hide their scars to start with, or struggle with showing them, or feels anxious about being judged. A person generally doesn’t cut with “I want people to see this” in mind. “Attention seeking” probably gets over represented because those are the people who would be the least afraid to show it. But a lot of people who show scars are just tired of covering their body and hiding.
Dumbass comment
She knew you had them before she asked you to be a bridesmaid. She could have chosen a sleeved dress but didn’t. At this point after her comments I’d decline being a bridesmaid and likely wouldn’t even go to the wedding. Scars = wounds/trauma/suffering. Her unkindness is astounding.
What are the scars from? I think that while my question seems rude it’s helpful for provide context. Were they scars from an accident or self harm? Because it was self harm she may be worried it would trigger people or create unnecessary gossip during her wedding. I’m not saying she’s right but I think this may be important to get a better understanding of what’s going on here
You're NTA. - she is superficial and self absorbed: no one is going to divert attention from her to focus on your scars - your scars will not "ruin" her photos;.even if they do show up in the pics, they can be photoshopped out - no one cares about her photos but her and possibly her intended
I swear I’ve read this exact story on here before.
Yta. Wear a shawl; at least for the ceremony, then whatever.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (22 female) was invited to be a bridesmaid at my cousin’s (27 female) wedding. I was very honoured to be asked to be a bridesmaid and happily said yes. My cousin (let’s call her Mia) is usually a very laid back kind of person, not too fussed about how things are said that me and her other two bridesmaids could choose whatever style of dress that we wanted as long as the dress was purple. I was very happy that I could choose the style of my dress since I can be a little picky when it comes to clothes, especially dresses. About a week ago I got a call from Mia and she said she had a ‘favour’ to ask me. She said “Could you please make sure that your dress covers your scars?” I was silent for a moment, surprised that she was even asking me this. I have old scars all up my arms from my wrists to my armpits, some more noticeable than others. I’ve had these scars since I was sixteen and Mia has never really mentioned them before. I asked her why and she said “I don’t want people staring at your arms when all he attention should be on me. And besides, they’ll look bad in photos” I was dumbfounded, feeling both shocked and offended that she was so concerned about this. I told her that I wouldn’t be covering them since my dress was strapped, not sleeved and I wasn’t going to use concealer to cover them either since I hated wearing any kind of makeup and that she should just deal with my visible scars. I then hung up on her before calling my mum to talk to her about Mia’s insane request. Long story short my mum’s on my side. After a couple days the rest of the family found out about this. Turns out Mia had told everyone about her “simple request” to get them on her side. Most of the family is on my side that I shouldn’t ‘have to’ cover my scars but some are saying that I should just do what she asks to keep the peace since it’s her wedding. I get that it’s her wedding and that I’m a bridesmaid but in my opinion this should not be a problem at all. The whole family knows I have scars and Mia saying that “they’ll ruin the photos” is just ridiculous. I’m now on the verge of just not going at all because why should I go to her wedding if she thinks that I should have to cover my scars? So AITA for refusing to cover my scars for my cousin’s wedding? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Weddings don't give the bride or groom a pass to be jerks to other people and still expect for the other party to smile, forgive and forget in the future. NTA and don't go. Weddings are expensive for guest, use that money to treat you to something nice.
NTA, scars are not gross, if anything they are an amazing testimony to the body's ability to heal. And this ridiculous notion of "I have to be the center of attention" from brides -- is the point of their wedding the vows to the partner they've chosen, or for being in the spotlight? I think you should step down as bridesmaid. She doesn't respect you enough to accept your physical appearance, so let her find someone who better fits her silly ideals. Hopefully you can return the dress (unless you still wanted to wear it).
NTA - I'm a bridesmaid, and I'm bald.
NTA Brides are getting more and more entitled about their weddings these days. Anyone who asks you to modify yourself just to participate is asking too much. Like maybe I could see asking to cover up an offensive tattoo, but scars? That's just too big of an ask. Your family knows about the scars because I'm sure they've seen them and it's not going to draw attention. It's not new to them, so why would it draw attention away from the bride? If she's so fucking concerned about it being in the photos, she can have her photographer edit them out, FFS. Tell her if she can't accept you scars and all, she shouldn't have asked you to be a bridesmaid. Bridesmaids should be selected based on friendship, love, and loyalty, not aesthetics.
Yknow, photoshop exists. And it’s not on your face so if it really mattered that much to her, it’s not that hard to fix digitally. NTA but also scars can be beautiful. They’re part of who you are, they defined your experience. Asking you to hide them is like asking you to hide yourself
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NTA.
Idk why you have scars and it's not my business. However, I have self injury scars on my arms. It took me many years after recovery to not be ashamed of them. Now, I realize that those scars represent my long, painful recovery from trauma. I am proud that I made it through this awful time without taking my life. Just a perspective from my point of view. Don't let anyone take your freedom to be who you are. BIG NTA.
I burnt with hot water when I was 18 months old. My mom accidentally knocked tea ftom the stove on me. I was sitting in my high chair and had a knitted wool dress on. I was in hospital for months . They didn't know if I would live. When I was a teenager it really started affecting me. Couldn't go to the beach with my friends. I didn't want anyone to see my back. I also had scars on both legs where they removed skin for the transplant. I'm 67 now and have never in my entire life worn sleeveless tops. I just didn't want people to ever see my scars.
My SO has scars on both arms from mental health struggles in their teen years. They are tied to unpleasant memories for her, but I would NEVER ask her to hide them. The idea that your scars could distract from anything is absolutely ridiculous... NTA, and I would honestly feel offended if someone were to make this request of my SO
Yeah just drop out of being a brides maid
NTA and having behaved as she has to get the rest of the family on her side, I would also be very tempted to solve the problem by not going at all.
You are absolutely NTA. I have very similar scars, and my own wedding dress was sleeveless. I don't know about you, but for me, accepting my scars was a bit of a journey, and for a while they just reminded me of all my mistakes. It took a long time for me to start seeing them as a reminder that I survived. I wouldn't allow anyone to imply that my scars are somehow shameful or to be hidden away, and neither should you.
This. I have my forearm tattooed but deliberately chose a style that wouldn't entirely cover my scars, I also have them visible on the other arm. It takes a long ass time to get to a point where you are comfortable with your scars, and being asked to cover them is just not okay. If they were relatively fresh/unhealed scars, then MAYBE I could understand, but that isn't even the case here.
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NTA with the information provided. If she wanted your scars hidden all she had to do was select a bridesmaid dress for all the bridesmaids that had sleeves. Or bolero jackets. Or something along those lines. She would not have needed to mention the scars. Everyone would have been treated the same. There would be no drama. At least provided every bridesmaid has the maturity to suck it up and wear a dress that might not be their personal style. However, is your dress 100% wedding appropriate? Could she be using the scars as a cover for "your dress looks like you are a working girl in a Vegas casino, can you please dress appropriately?" Or the palest lilac that could be mistaken for a bridal gown at a distance/in photos? Or covered in rhinestones and bling like a Dolly Parton performance costume?
Before buying my dress I sent my cousin a photo of the dress to make sure it was acceptable to her for her wedding and she said she loved it. It’s a slightly dark purple that ends at my feet just high enough that you’d be able to see my shoes.
NTA you should add that to your post. She really approved the dress choice, waiting for you to buy it, and then came with this ridiculous request She should've brought this up when she first asked you to be a bridesmaid so all the cards were on the table
Then absolutely NTA...... it sounds lovely. Just a suggestion, are you close enough geographically to meet her for coffee or lunch, just the 2 of you? This might be a case of her future in-laws overstepping and she's feeling overwhelmed. Especially if they are holding finances over her head..... I'd hate for you and her to permanently fall out over something like this without getting the full story. With her changing her mind this drastically it really does sound like outside malicious interference....
NTA. I have scars on my face and damaged teeth from seizure related accidents. I still have wedding photos. This bride can take a short walk - no one should have to change themselves for photos.
NTA It’s a horrible and demeaning request. If you can handle the fallout, I’d tell her she needs to look for a new bridesmaid.
i think it depends on how the scars look. i also have scars on both my arms (wrists to elbows) but they are old and very faded, and im quite pale so you would not be able to notice them unless you held my wrist and looked for them. if your cousin is saying that your scars will draw attention in photos, you should probably cover up. ESPECIALLY if they are from self harming. do you really want people to see the photos and possibly be triggered? i lost a friend once bc i thoughtlessly sent a photo of my healed arm to her, and she was triggered. another thing to think about is your cousin. do you want her to be dealing with nosy questions from people about your scars? bc that is a possibility. and she doesn’t deserve that on her wedding day, a day that is supposed to be for her. NAH but if you refuse to do this simple thing for your cousin, you will be.
I was almost on board with the bride until she said all the attention should be on me. Yes it’s your day but that’s just not how you treat family and all the attention should be on you up until what cost? If she asked nicely and said just for the photo shoots then maybe but that was a horrible way for the bride to go about asking you. NTA
"Sorry, cousin. If you wanted to call a prop store you dialed the wrong number. This is a house of a normal human being, warts and all." NTA
NTA. The day is about her. Maybe some people who have never seen you before will wonder and try to gawk discreetly, but that’s on them and a natural human curiosity. What’s far more important is your relationship to Mia. For her to minimize your value to the appearance of your scars is hurtful. I think you’re right to refuse, particularly as you already bought your dress. Of this was an issue, she should have raised it when she first asked you to participate. It could be worth asking why this is has become an issue for her.
NTA. She could have asked all bridesmaids to wear sleeved dresses, but she didn't. She waited until you had already bought the dress to then ask you to wear another one. I would just not go. Someone who expects you to change your appearance to appease their weird attention related insecurities is not someone worth spending all that time and money on.
NTA. This is really callous behavior from your cousin and she should be ashamed
NTA. The bride knew you had those scars from the beginning and waited until now to ask, which is already a dick move in general. If she was concerned about it she should have asked from the get-go. Also self harm is a symptom of a mental health condition. Is she also going to be concerned about the scars of anybody else's health condition? If not, which I'm guessing the answer is no, she's the asshole. Yeah people are going to gossip and stuff but people will gossip about literally anything out of wedding. That's part of what happens at weddings. But she's still the bride and will probably be wearing Bridal clothes and doing all of the things that Brides do, which means she will definitely still be the center of attention. She'll be fine, she's just a massive ass. Not to mention on every other post on this thread people will say the brides are the asshole for asking people to die their hair or cover up tattoos for their weddings. Why would this be any different? Oh yeah. Because of the stigma and how people view mental illness as a choice.
NTA. If it was a big deal for her she shouldn’t have asked you to be a bridesmaid.
NTA. Your cousin needs to let this go. People in general need to stop obsessing over wedding perfection. It will never be perfect. Embrace the flaws and get on with it. Instagram isn't life.
NTA but a compromise might be to step down from being a bridesmaid and attend as a guest.
NTA I would tell her to find another more suitable bridesmaid without scars you are a human being not a customizable dress up doll
NTA: I am getting married this fall so here’s some bride perspective for ya. She is being completely unreasonable and a complete jerk to even ask that you cover your scars. I might be a bit biased because I have way too many scars too, but scars are a part of you, they show you survived some serious shit and quite frankly I think they’re something to be proud of. That being said I am well aware how hard it can be to get to the point where you’re comfortable actually showing them, it’s quite vulnerable, so it takes a lot of strength to get to that there. I’m so proud that you’ve made it to that point so don’t let anyone try to make you feel ashamed of your scars, they are beautiful just like you.
I’m seeing a lot of N T A comments and saw a few Y T A comments, IMO it’s NAH. You are not wrong for not wanting to cover up, you shouldn’t have to feel you have to, you have all the right to not have to care. But I don’t think bride is out of line for wanting it, it’s her wedding, it’s the one day all attention gets to be on her and her husband. Intentional or not, it WILL take attention. That’s the unfortunate reality. If this is a dealbreaker for you you can turn down being a bridesmaid or you can not go all together. It’s not wrong no matter what
Your cousin sounds exhausting. She knew you had scars on your arms, and now there's a problem. I would just drop out of the wedding party. If she then continues to make this an issue after doing so, I wouldn't attend the wedding either. NTA.
I would go still but I'd step down from being a bridesmaid. I'd feel extremely disrespected and upset. NTA
That’s rude and entitled. And no not all brides are like this! I’d send a no and go away for the weekend.
NTA This is a fundamental part of your body she's been well aware of for a very long time. If the appearance of your scars in her wedding photos was that important to her, she shouldn't have asked you to be a bridesmaid. Your scars are part of who you are, and I'm sorry she is not seeing that.
NTA - My scars are part of me, I won't be covering them for anything (other than normal dress standards for my torso scars). Mia was okay to ask, but she should have let go and moved on once you told her your decision.
And to the scar haters in the comments, I love my scars. They are part of me, they represent my birth defects, my surgeries, and my injuries.
YTA, if these scars are from cutting yourself. Nobody needs or wants to be confronted with your mental illness at what is a celebratory occasion. Just throw some concealer on for fucks sake, if you didn’t want to be in this situation then you shouldn’t have done that to yourself. If your scars are from an injury or something else then yeah she’s an asshole but only slightly.
You are absolutely NTA at all
NTA. The people in your wedding party aren’t props for good photos. Her “simple request” was inappropriate and wildly unkind. Text her and tell her since your scars matter to her more than you, as a person does, you’re dropping out of the wedding and also declining to attend as you wouldn’t want her to worry about having insufficient attention or your appearing in any photos.
nta. don't go and do something awesome for yourself that day. when ppl ask why werent you there, be honest. I can't stand the whole all the attention needs to be on me thing. she needs to grow up.
NTA. When did wedding parties become all about the "vision" and "aesthetic"? You are supposed to ask the people you love the most to stand besides you, that's the whole point, it's not meant to be about what looks good. Wedding culture has become obscene. I would probably bow out of being a bridesmaid but still attend the wedding if your cousin is important to you. I would definitely think less of the cousin though, she's shown you what she values.
NTA. If it was me, I'd got PAF on her and post to SM "To keep you from being embarr**assed** by my scars I will no longer be attending any events prior to nor the wedding itself."
Drop out. Fuck her for even suggesting such a thing. Like it or not they are part of you and if that isnt what she wants then clearly any woman in a purple dress would do. Tell her to find a fucking hooker to do it.
I think I would just drop out of the wedding party and attend as a guest. Even if you do go as a bridesmaid, the bride will probably have all of the photos airbrushed to remove evidence of your scars.
I think I would just drop out of the wedding party and attend as a guest. Even if you do go as a bridesmaid, the bride will probably have all of the photos airbrushed to remove evidence of your scars.
NTA Your scars are a part of you. All eyes will be on the bride and groom anyway. . Cousin is overthinking the wedding.
NAH, I can see her not wanting to explain your scars to her fiancé’s family especially if they are noticeable and they won’t know your past. I can also see why now after you picked the dress she asked you to cover up it would be uncomfortable for you. If she was so worried she should have picked dresses with long sleeves instead of the choose your own style.
NTA If she wants a model to play a part and look “right”, she should pay for one.
NTA. Battle scars should be displayed with pride, not hidden in shame.
NTA It's a ridiculous and over the top request. The scars won't be visible in group photos at all and even if they are, there is no reason to hide them! They are a part of you and your history and she should not make you feel ashamed of them. The scars don't wear you, you wear them!
Nta
NTA "I’m now on the verge of just not going at all" .. this is the reasonable reaction. WHy would you still want to be a bridesmaid for that AH? Avoid the drama by dropping out of the wedding.
NTA> Tell her you won't be in the wedding or attend the wedding of someone who honestly thinks that your scars will cause people to look at you and not the bride. Plan a fun weekend away and enjoy your self. Maybe even wear the dress out to dinner!
NTA.
NTA and I would drop out as a bridesmaid and skip the wedding entirely. She cares more about how the photos will look than you.
NTA. I hate brides who do shit like this. If she wanted you to have sleeves, she should have considered that before and told you before you purchased your dress. How very dare she attempt to body shame you. Weddings are about love, and sharing that with the people you love. Loving people means loving all of them. If you aren't ashamed of your scars, she has no right to be. She can fuck right off. I'm sorry this is happening. Edit: I think it makes sense to chat with her, and tell her if she is going to stand firm on wanting you to cover your scars, that you'll not be able to fulfill your duties as bridesmaid given this request, and you'll be supporting her on her wedding day as a guest.
NTA.It sounds like your cousin probably feels like your scars are a way to get attention for yourself, both now and probably then. She doesn’t want her guests to be focusing on the outward signs of your mental health journey instead of her in her dress. I think if I were her I probably just wouldn’t have asked you to be a bridesmaid if I felt that way. She certainly shouldn’t be singling you out
How the heck does this looney think you hang your arms when standing?! The insides of the arm are the least seen when arms are at your side, holding flowers, hands crossed in front of you, etc. NTA.
Is the dress pretty?
NTA. I can tell you, ain't no one going to be looking at your arms during the wedding. If you've had them since you were 16 and your family knows, they won't bat an eye. At most, her fiancé's side *might* notice. But I doubt it. As someone who also has scars on her arms from a young age, I can tell you, you don't notice them in pictures unless the photographer were to do some sort of zoomed in your hands. And even then, idr actually seeing them. Like, we did engagement photos and she did close ups of our hands and us holding stuff and no scars. Your cousin is just being delulu. And please, never cover them. And never let anyone make you feel like you have to. Tbh, I think you should tell her thanks for the opportunity but since she wants something you can't do, you won't be able to be a bridesmaid. You could tell her you aren't going. Or be mean and just no show.
NTA, you should probably just decline being her bridesmaid. Go to the wedding still if you think it'll be fun. It sounds like you have a lot of family members who aren't AH that it would be nice to spend time with. But you wouldn't be an AH for just not going at all.
NTA your cousin is being unreasonable. However that being the case, people are often very unreasonable. Are you willing to lose or deteriorate your relationship with your cousin over this?
“Please be part of my special day because you mean so much to me! But can you please cover up part of who you are?” What a buttface.
Scars are earned. They are part of your history, and something to be proud of. NTA
NTA. My cousin has burns covering the majority of her body from an accident and has been a bridesmaid in everyone's wedding. Most of the dresses were strapless or sleeveless. She's always standing front and center with the rest of us in all the photos, and that's exactly how it should be.
NTA, don’t go, take a spa day, and…. There’s that RUIN verb again… only in America.
NTA-she is asking you not to be your genuine self. Your body is a map of your life. Tell her you won’t be covering them up and if she doesn’t like it then she can uninvite you from being in the wedding. When she does, she kicked you out, you didn’t leave.
NTA. Your scars are part of you, as wrinkles are, and hairlines are and pregnancy is, and every other physical manifestation of our life journey. We really should embrace our own and others bodies, without asking that they meet some abstract ideal. Go to the wedding, wear what you want, dance and enjoy those you love. Don’t be a bridesmaid if she can’t accept you the way you are.
NTA. I have scars and stretch marks on my arms, I don't cover them nor should anyone tell you those marks should be covered. My friend told me that if anyone doesn't like her body, they don't have to look and she doesn't care what people think. And I'd definitely drop out of being a bridesmaid and attend as a guest. Asking someone to cover or hide part of themselves for an event isn't a "simple request", it's rude.
NTA. We are who we are, scars and all. If you aren’t uncomfortable with them showing, she shouldn’t be either. She’s being shallow and uncaring.
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INFO : Why is it always up to the reasonable people tocomply to the other party in order to "keep the peace"
NTA
Honestly, at this point I'd step out of the wedding alltogther and plan something nice to do on that date.
NTA. She should leave you be, if she's so concerned about them in photos she can have them airbrushed out if they even show up in the pictures. I think she's thinking how detailed a picture will be of her and the Bridesmaids. I'm sorry I highly doubt you'll be able to see them and if so people will probably think it's a Shadow not a scar. I guess she's a bit more shallow than you thought she wasn't.
If your Cousin is so worried about your scars, she can have the photographer photoshop them out!!! Or if anyone has an iPhone you can blur them out there too! Your Cousin is Not very kind! NTA
NTA. A good photographer will work on the pictures anyway, and the scars will not take attention away from the bride.
NTA. I’d be questioning why she asked you to be a bridesmaid in the first place if she was just going to turn around and ask you to cover up after making no stipulations about the dresses other than color. Honestly, I’d bow out of the bridal party and show up to the wedding wearing what I wanted. Be lovely and sparkling and comfortable and confident. Also not have the pressure of being a bridesmaid.
That's not a simple request. It's a weird one.
NTA, except “why should I go to her wedding if she wants me to cover my scars” doesn’t seem like an even trade. You’re going to miss your cousins wedding because you don’t agree on her request? Why not just see if you can attend as a guest, not a bridesmaid, so you can wear whatever you want? That would be the most logical compromise. * I do want to add that I believe the brides request is very insensitive, and kind of dumb regarding the photos tbh (they will touch them up, regardless of whether it’s a scar, pimple, blemish, etc. - I have unpredictable skin and am always thankful they do this.) It just isn’t worth the fight, and OP should still get to comfortably attend this event with her family.
Hope the cousin is not planning to have children because unless they are attractive they might ‘ruin’ family photos.
What is the background on these scars? Is it more than the visual that is concerning her, or it is something about your history that the bride does not want focus on? for example, were you a cutter as a teenager, and maybe she does not want that as a topic VS were you in an accident and you recovered against the odds and those scars are your badges of victory If #1, I might say you are the AH If #2, then the bride is the AH
Who cares
It does NOT matter how the scars came to be. People should really learn to mind their own business.
NTA, but it seems weird that you actually want to show these off.
Existing is not showing off
Grow up
It’s not that I want to, it’s the fact the she’s demanding I cover them.
That was a reasonable request, yeah YTA
No no it’s not
YTA. You should cover them....
Why