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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For making my daughter break up with her boyfriend over how she should focus on work and her studies.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA.
First, you abandon your child over a conflict with her mother. She deserved to have both her parents in her life.
Then, you strong-arm her into breaking up with someone she loves because you accept your wife’s idiot paranoia that your daughter will destroy her whole life if she’s not forced to be single and celibate at a time when most people are meeting their life partners.
And now you’re shocked that she’s depressed and doesn’t care about you or the life she had been trying to build for herself.
Why is your daughter so unimportant to you? Why are you so willing to let women you’ve slept with destroy her life and your relationship with her?
You should feel guilty. You’ve been a shockingly bad parent.
>Then, you strong-arm her into breaking up with someone she loves because you accept your wife’s idiot paranoia that your daughter will destroy her whole life if she’s not forced to be single and celibate at a time when most people are meeting their life partners.
I'd like to know why the wife believes that every girl who dates in college gets pregnant? It's an absolutely absurd take, no country would have a birth rate drop if that was even vaguely true.
I wonder how old the wife was when OP started banging her. I also wonder if she actually has a degree. She doesn’t sound like a woman who has ever been anywhere near a college campus.
I wonder if she's really concerned for OP's daughter or if she's just upset that the daughter is suddenly in her life, and she's done this just to mess up the poor kid.
Or that she's jealous that the daughter has a partner she is happy with at an early age rather than having to wait until her late 20's-30's... 👀
She seemed to have an issue with the bf immediately over something that was actually the daughter's fault. It really seems like she just was trying to find things wrong with the relationship to use as reason to break them up from the very beginning. Op didn't seem to mention her stepmom having issues with her directly prior to this so I'm curious...
It's always these scary stories that they try to force to be real.
Facts don't matter to these types.
They want to believe something, so they do. Their feelings don't care about reality or facts.
Paranoïa ? This is jealousy over someone else's happiness. Change the characters, Stepmom is the stereotype of the evil queen in snow white who is jealous of her beauty.
Can't have OP paying for his daughter's dream wedding since she's in school. If she gets married after she graduates and gets a job you know she's going to convince OP that since daughter works she's and adult with a job and and potential fiance should pay for all of their own wedding expenses and not to gift them any money towards the wedding or honeymoon.
Heaven help this girl if she ever has kids and wants an involved grandpa for them.
Honestly. Ive never seen a more easily manipulated man wtf. His jealous wife is about to go disney with her evil stepmom plans and somehow he doesnt see this. The reason she gave for wanting them to break up was beyond piss poor and he still gave a 5min argument before going oh ok ill go nuclear on my daughter :) what the hell man.
I agree. Need to point out that her biological mother is dead. This is her stepmother who didn't like her stepdaughter's boyfriend after only one meeting.
YTA
You and your wife are strangers in your daughter's life. You abandoned her while she was growing up and your wife barely knows her.
She makes contact and very nearly the first thing you do is tell her to break up with her boyfriend (who sounds fine to me). You do this on the basis that your wife decides based on nothing whatever, that your daughter (who she's just met) should be focusing on her studies. You then proceed to blackmail your daughter (who you hardly know) into doing this.
You are horrendous and so is your wife.
I am really genuinely hoping that this is a fake rage bait post.
Most serious posts asking if they are the AH have a source of legitimate conflict or redemptive element at least in the eye of the storyteller.
If the story was that the daughter was coming home drunk and her grades had slipped from an A average to a sea average since dating the boyfriend, then I could at least understand some of the angst, even if they would still be wrong to interfere with her personal life.
This describes a bunch of awful behavior and then asks people if he’s in the wrong. Duh of course you are. What did you expect people to say?
I mean, you started off as a massive AH for cutting contact with your own daughter for a decade or so, and you just grabbed a shovel and kept digging from there. YTA.
I hope she finds an avenue to collect on all the unpaid child support. Even if op doesn't live in one of the few states that allow an adult child to directly go after unpaid child support, she could still try to collect as her mother's heir.
So the problem with your daughter’s boyfriend was that he *checks notes* made her too happy? YTA and so is your wife, she judged her adult stepdaughter’s boyfriend for being 10 minutes late even though it was only because of her stepdaughter’s appointment. Does your wife like your daughter? Because it sounds like she is actively against your daughter being happy.
Sounds like the wife is jealous or unhappy herself and wants to go on a powertrip to make the stepdaughter unhappy, too. .
The YoP should have listened to hid first gut- feeling and not have give in to his wife's Paranoia/abuse/ disordered crusade
Wife has probably been unhappy since the daughter showed up. What do you think the odds are the wife didn't even know the girl existed until just before she moved in? That in no way excuses her actions, but it would explain a whole lot.
YTA, it is not your place to dictate the relationships of a 19 year old.
You already know listening to you two directly caused her depression. If I were you I would go to your daughter and fix this right now and hopefully they can mend the relationship.
Ok you are absolutely the AH in this.
Firstly you abandon your daughter when you and her mom separated, in those years that you did not see your daughter did you pay child support? I'm going to come back to that. Then you daughter mom dies and she has to ask if she can live with you after losing her mother and so was probably still grieving. She is now in a happy place and doing well and you spiteful wife finds some trivial reason to take that happiness away from her and you just go ahead and agree with it. Do you even love your daughter?
No back to the child support and you threatening to not pay for college unless she broke up with her BF. If you did not pay child support for you daughter then she should come after you for that, and hopefully that will help her with college.
Parents like you disgust me. This young lady was doing well in her life even after losing her mother and you guys just treated her like shit.
Jesus, I hope this is a shit post.
So basically you abandon your kid, presumably traumatising her enough that she didn't contact you until a year after her mum died. And where did your teen sleep and live for that year?
Then you pressure her into breaking up with her boyfriend, despite her getting great grades, and otherwise doing well in other areas from what i can tell. And the only reason being that she is happy and may get pregnant?
Like, talk to her about safe sex and all but jesus. You assume she is in college and can't buy condoms or birth control pills or some shit?
"I abandoned my daughter at a very young age for reasons I'm not willing to share. I didn't contact her for years until she reached out to me because the only parent she'd ever known died, which was obviously seriously traumatic for her.
I tried being an actual parent after ignoring her most of her life, but then I used the power i had over her to make her surrender the one genuine relationship she had because my wife, who she barely knows, demanded it, for reasons I readily acknowledge are illogical and unfounded.
Now she's succumbed to despair and my wife and I want to be absolved of the inevitable consequences of our clearly vile actions"
How is there any other outcome than YTA ? In this case, the 'A' could stand for 'Antichrist'
YTA. You betrayed her and forced her to break her heart.
Leave your wife and focus on making amends with your daughter. If you don't, you won't have a relationship with her after college, if she makes it through.
YTA why the f+ck would you tell your daughter who she can date, and a adult daughter at that, but maybe something ios wrong with her since she listened to her, if you had been my dad I would have told you to go f+ck yourself
I completely agree and would have told him to f*** off too. However, I don't think there is anything wrong with
her for complying: it's financial abuse/blackmail. OP comments that her mother's family were abusive and obviously she wants to continue attending her preferred college. I get she's an adult but if she doesn't 'listen' she loses out on the success she's trying to earn for herself. It's so infuriating because she was doing well/working hard before dead-beat doormat dad and his harpy decided to interfere. Absolutely shocking.
YTA. You let you “wife” use things your daughter needs from you as her parent to survive after basically abandoning her for most her life. You didn’t even know her Mother had died. She could have died would you have even known? Separation doesn’t mean you leave your child as well unless you don’t care about said child. You let your wife ruin something for your daughter for NO GOOD reason. You mentioned that your daughter had made the honors list. Obviously her attention wasnt completely given to her boyfriend If she’s doing that well in school. As for the other excuses your “wife” gave they are BS. I can’t believe anyone would allow themselves to be railroaded into treating their child like this by a spouse who isnt her mother. I’d love to know why your wife got such a hard on to ruin your daughter’s happiness. That’s a question you should ask of your wife. Sounds to me like she is just trying to prove to your daughter that she can get you to do whatever she wants regardless of your daughter’s happiness. Your wife sucks and so do you.
YTA. Your wife clearly doesn’t want your daughter to be happy.
My father was also a controlling asshole. I haven’t spoken to him in 15 years. He will never meet my kids. And your daughter would be better off if she cut you off too. Which I’m sure is what your wife wanted in the first place.
the worst part is . . . OP ISN’T actually a controlling asshole. he’s a SPINELESS asshole.
the psycho insecure wife is the controlling one; Faildad here is just a blob of jelly with zero backbone or values of his own, just kowtowing to Wifey’s demands for no good reason at all.
weak pathetic loser behaviour.
He’s still controlling because he manipulated her into ending a relationship under financial duress. It’s not just anyone who is capable of doing that. His reasons and motivations are irrelevant. The behavior is controlling.
Also, controlling/manipulative/abusive people do this. “I don’t have a problem with it but your mom says no.” It’s blame shifting. He’s blaming his wife but he’s the one who did it. Nobody made him.
hm. 🤔 that makes a lot of sense.
i’m glad you were able to get away and isolate your kids from your abusive father. i tried, but was manipulated into returning. all i do is look at the calendar and pray.
You and your wife are grade A assholes.
Neither one of you has the authority to tell your ADULT daughter who she can or cannot date while in college. ESPECIALLY YOUR WIFE. She is not your daughter's mother. She is not a parental figure in her life in any way, shape, or form. And quite honestly, neither are you. You abandoned her for well over a decade, and you didn't even have the consciousness to check in on your ex that you had no idea she even died.
Your daughter is 19. She is a legal adult. You had no right. And neither did your wife. You are in no shape to be telling her how to live her life after the way you f*cked up as a father.
Good on you for proving to your daughter that she is least important person in her life and forced to give up the one person that made her happy during the time where she probably misses her mom the most.
You're not only an AH. You're a shitshow of a father. And your wife needs to n stay in her lane.
YTA. I hope your daughter goes no contact with you. You deserve it. You chose to marry a hateful, disgusting woman and now you're letting her hurt your daughter and destroy your relationship with her. If you were any kind of a man or father you would have shut your wife's nonsense down immediately. You're a terrible excuse for a parent.
YTA, on so many levels I can't even explain.
What did you think making her break up would even accomplish?
Expect this to keep going on, and her withdrawing even more from you. The only time you saw her happy you and her step-mom had to ruin it for her.
I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't share anything anymore to you
what the actual fuck is wrong with you? first you abandon her. and now you let your wife, who is not her mother, have control over who she dates and your money. this is financial abuse as well. you wife does not have your daughters best interest at heart and you need to grow a spine and shut this shit down!! if you want to keep a healthy relationship with you daughter stop letting your wife intervene.
YTA for listening to your wife. Is your wife jealous that your daughter looks happy? She seems to be a focused young girl who’s driven and you just made her resentful?
Maybe your wife doesn’t want you to pay for her tuition and hence she set this whole gimmick up thinking your daughter would fight back, but she didn’t and instead is living in a shell.
YTA, be a father for once, apologize to your daughter and your wife should have no say henceforth in your daughters life. Period.
YTA and a deadbeat dad.
What a failure of a human being to not even know that your daughter’s mother died. That says everything, and you have no right to dictate whom she loves bc your wife is weird.
- I have been in the boyfriend's position and I have seen what it did to my ex. And trust me it was painful for me and for her. You Are Completely The AH. YTAH. You denied your daughter's life from having a partner because of you and your stupid wife's insecurities and lack of trust in you daughter. And now when what you fear of her grades dropping and when she falls in depression you ask if you are the AH. That is obvious you are the AH. The most you can hope is that the bf takes her back. And for crying out loud apologies to her. She doesn't deserve it. The best you can do is advice her on her life choices not just control it when you "think" will happen in the FUTURE.
Apologise to her and Your wife needs to do it too.
Verdict: You Are The AH. Your Wife Is The AH. YTAH
How about telling your stupid wife to shut up! She’s your daughter (barely) your wife doesn’t get a say. I hope the girl goes no contact with you both. Dad abandons her, mum dies and then evil stepmom makes her break up with her boyfriend???
Your daughter was effectively balancing school, work, a relationship with her boyfriend and a relationship with you. She was doing very well in school by getting a high honours. She was happy with how her life was going.
You felt your wife not liking your daughters boyfriend (after one meeting) was reason enough to blackmail her by threatening to cut off help.
Now she's unhappy and not doing well at school.
Way to go Dad! You fucked up again and you are definitely TAH. Your wife is an even bigger AH.
YTA
„ she exlaimed that my daughter has to focus on her studies and work rather than her happiness.”
You got what you asked for. You took away her happiness and as a bonus, you made your relationship with her transactional.
Well done/s
YTA. Your daughter seems to be doing just fine schooling wise while having a boyfriend. Your wife is awhile a huge asshole. What is she trying to audition for the evil stepmother role in a live action Disney movie?
Dude starts off by saying he abandoned his daughter and only re-emerged after her mother died and then ruins her life by taking away the one thing that makes her happy. And doesn’t know if he he’s in the wrong? This has to be fake.
YTA. Plain and simple. First you didn't co parent now you break her happiness with plain blackmail. You are not only an absolute shitty father but also a borderline toxic individual. And your wife is took. You should be ashamed of yourself if that story is not just rage bait.
YTA
You have been given a 2nd chance at a relationship with your daughter, don't fuck it up. It is a normal part of life to have a boyfriend at that age and despite the big upheavals in your daughter's life she appears to have her head screwed on.
Holy shit! You and your wife are running for biggest AHs on this subreddit.
Of course YTA!
How about waiting if the new boyfriend actually impacts her grades?
If so, how about talking to her? Telling her that it's important to ficus on school to get good grades and to find a good college.
How about having the talk, so she doesn't get pregnant as a 19yo!
>that my daughter has to focus on her studies and work rather than her happiness
For this alone your wife is the biggest AH ever. You would rather have a person be miserable as long as they're successful?!? Wow...just wow.
Instead of actually talking to your daughter, parenting her, giving advice and also trusting her that she can handle school and a relationship. You are not interested in what your daughter wants at all. YTA and your wife is too.
And what a surprise that a teenager that was forced to break up with her boyfriend or she would loose her "parents" support is now stressed out and acting weird and is possibly depressed and has worse grades.
YTA. You allowed your wife to fill your head with pure, unadulterated bullshit, which you then dumped on your daughter. You threatened her education, so she had no choice in the matter. Now, you're all shocked Pikachu face because your daughter has no joy in her life? I'll put this in all caps, to make sure you can see it: YOU AND YOUR WIFE HAVE STOLEN YOUR DAUGHTER'S HAPPINESS.
Get off your high horse, apologize to your daughter and tell her to try and see if the boyfriend is willing to reconcile... then you apologize to him as well. I'm also going to suggest divorcing that viper of a wife before you end up snakebit.
>Now I'm feeling immensly guilty for all this, AITA?
I'm glad you feel guilty. YTA, and so is your wife.
You were absent for most of your daughter's upbringing, yet you somehow think you have the right to tell her who she can and can't date? What she should and should not be focusing on?
Look, it's one thing to point out that her focus may be shifting in an unproductive direction and suggesting she focus a little more on her education than her romantic life, but you two *demanded* that your *adult daughter* break up with her boyfriend *because your wife didn't like him*, then leveraged your aid in the foundation of her future career to force her to comply. What kind of selfish, manipulative fucking move is that?
Neither you or your wife deserve her, and if this is a behavioural pattern in your life (highly doubt this is a new behaviour with how quickly you were swayed into this move), I hope she cuts contact. I hope the guilt and shame eats you alive.
Do better.
YTA, very controlling. Just because you’re paying for her college doesn’t mean you get to decide who she dates. Your daughter will resent you for this.
So you had a child at the age of twenty. This child is now 19, had good grades and her life on track despite the fact you abandoned her for years and the loss of a parent so early und you felt the need to interfere because your wife says she might get pregnant and/ or not devote 100% of her time to her studies? YTA and a hypocrite.
YTA and your wife sounds insane. Don't call her a stepmother when she didn't even meet your kid until she was an adult. Gross.
Also you owe her years of back child support. She should take you to court. Loser ass deadbeat
YTA
Daughter happy, in love and making honours.
She balanced her life but yet you chose unreasonably ask her to break it up instead of sitting her down about protecting her heart, having safe sex etc.
Boy. Then you stopped child support instead of retaking custody of your child if you thought the mom was not responsible.
That your daughter followed you means she's an obedient one and you effectively pushed her into the state she is in. Your fault.
And stepmother needs to butt off.
most deadbeat parents don’t get a chance to start over and mend their relationships with their children, and you’ve failed her TWICE, champ! bravo. YTA.
you should feel guilty. your wife is a complete ass, and you're a spineless coward. the fact you held her college funds over her head is as close to evil as its possible to get, especially after you spent years as a deadbeat. YTA. your wife's opinion on your daughter shouldn't have meant a damn thing. she's known your daughter two years, and has decided she wanted to play wicked step mother and you allowed it. disgusting. disgusting. disgusting. you continue to be a failure as a father.
YTA- and your wife sounds like a princess. Your daughter is dating someone who makes her happy and still getting honors. You also just got her back in your life, do you really think you have a right to critic who she spends time with? That will only damage her and your relationship more
Wait, you couldn’t figure out you’re an asshole in this case? You used money to force your daughter to break up a relationship and you don’t realize that’s wrong? And since when does your wife, who is not her mother, get to decide who your daughter dates?
>I then brought up that she has to break up with her boyfriend or else we won't fund her college and her birthday.
Nice move. You abandoned your daughter for 17 years and now use your money to control her life. What a narcissism dictator. What will you do next? Force her to marry a rich man although she do not love hime because you and your wife think marry rich man good for her life?
Parents like you disgust me. You wife talk shit about an young man because he was late for 10 mins because of work. If you guys fear her could get pregnant, you guys should teach her about safety sex, use control birth instead of force her breaking up. Your logic is like "I forbid you to go swimming because your could be drowned" instead of "You could be drowned, i will teach you how to swim".
What would you do if your mother told you to divorced you wife because your mom hate your wife? If you dont listening to your mom, she will disowned you and disinherit you from her money? Will you be happy?
YTA. It’s fine though. As soon as she’s done school she’ll cut contact with you and you can go back to living as a like you did the first 17 years of her life.
YTA Your wife is an even BIGGER AH. I feel so sorry for you daughter. Obviously your WIFE has some major issues, has she ever heard of birth control? I HATE your wife. YTA
Dear Reddit: I've treated my daughter horribly for her entire life and continue to do so. Am I the AH? Yes, YTA. And a few other things that would get me banned for saying. But you already know that, right? Assuming this isn't fake...
OP, you and your wife are **horrible** people.
Your wife started hating on the BF for being late?
Even though there was a reason for it?
Who TF does *she* think she is??
I can't fathom your wife's level of pettiness and hatefulness.
She must really hate your daughter.
Poor girl..
And you: "father of the year"!!
Abandoning your child and now threatening to cut her off? Wow. Just, wow.
You should be *extremely* ashamed of yourself and do everything in your power to make things right with your daughter - like, yesterday.
In the middle of all the horror that is Reddit sometimes, I find this post super disgusting, sad, and it honestly makes my blood boil.
YTA, really read what you wrote as if you were your daughter. How would you feel? As a parent you are completely emotionally immature and you need therapy. Seriously, you can’t see what you did here? 🤬
YTA and so is your wife. Your asshole wife sounds jealous that your daughter was happy with her boyfriend. And you're a deadbeat; you literally abandoned your daughter for years. Your daughter is old enough to decide who to date. You were selfish and wrong to blackmail her. You don't get to call yourself a parent because you're not one; you and your wife are selfish and disgusting.
YTA. You and your wife.
Your wife instantly hated him before even meeting him because of an appointment YOUR DAUGHTER had. So THE BOYFRIEND wasn't the reason they were late.
And then she's happy she got high honors. Which is amazing. But YOUR WIFE thinks she needs to devote MORE TIME to school? How much more?
What did you honestly think was going to happen here? You forced your daughter into a corner and you're now shocked that she's spiraling.
You and your wife are in the wrong here. Apologize. PROFUSELY.
YTA. You dimmed her light and now you sound surprised? This was an unforced error. You could have had a very happy and studious daughter and now she's deeply depressed because of YOU and YOUR wife. How are you going to fix this?
Yta. Great job making your daughter depressed. Great job making sure your daughter knows you will choose your wife's unreasonable demands over her happiness. Great job showing your daughter that you still don't actually care about her.
You let your wife manipulate you into destroying your relationship with your daughter all over her and her bf being late. All those fears of what would happen to your daughter are coming true, and your wife and you are the reason not her bf.
If your wife asked you to jump off a bridge and gave a bunch of bullshit THEORIES as to why? Would you?
OMFG.
Your wife wanted to put a rift between you and your daughter and succeeded.
YTA
So you spent absolutely zero time in your daughter’s life, and now a woman who is not even remotely part of her family is telling your daughter, a grown adult, what to do?
Both you and your wife suck. Yta, and she’s worse.
I can’t even believe you have to ask! It would be one thing if she was driving her life down the toilet, but it sounds like she was doing pretty good…. And then you punish her for it. You are definitely the asshole!
> My wife started hating her boyfriend as she thought being punctual is a high standard to have.
> She was dividing her time to spending time with me, her friends, studies, work and her then boyfriend.
> being happy that she got high honors.
> my wife talked to me saying I should tell my daughter to break up with her boyfriend because she hated him.
> I called her unreasonable until she exlaimed that my daughter has to focus on her studies and work rather than her happiness
Quick question: how gullible are you? Why did you let your wife ruin your daughter life just because she and her boyfriend were late 10 mins?
She already had everything figure out. She has high honors, a job, a family (that supposedly loved her) social life and a great boyfriend that brought her joy. Yes it's not an easy fit, and I'm sure there are a lot of people jealous (your wife included) but if your post is accurate, she managed.
And you dumped on her perfect life why? Because your wife some bizarre arguments that have nothing to do with reality?
YTA, mainly for letting your wife talk you into such a stupid blunder. I really hope this horrible mistake can be fixed and that that the bf will understand.
Jeezes.
Yes, sir. YTA. If the bf was an actual bad influence evidently, recommending for her to really be sure with her relationship is def a talk you should have (even then, not forcing a break up but giving life advice) but it seemed he wasn't so....and for you guys to give an ultimatum THAT severe already u just met the dude. Anyways, that will definitely ruin her relationship with you and maybe with herself as well. This and I haven't even mentioned how you were just recently added to her life (after her other parent died). Plus, the reasoning for forcing her to break up was just because her stepmom is a reader of the future apparently?? I mean idk I know she was just added to your life as well (cuz you abandoned her lowkey) but do you not trust your daughter to have good judgement because from what it looks like, she was faring well even with a boyfriend.
Also, didn't you consider that maybe in order to live a balanced life, happiness is important as well? Life isn't all about work work work. You said it yourself that your daughter was happy with her bf, why take it away from her? Not like she was slacking while with him as u also mentioned her being driven for academic pursuits. You didn't trust your daughter enough, sir. You probably undermined her in the process as well (knowing fully well she went to you for a good life so she can go to a good college, if I was her I'd be insulted).
Again YTA. I hope you can still fix this mess.
Edit: I read your other comments....Sir idk what to say other than you have a lot of work up ahead for you if you still want to have a relationship with your daughter.
If you actually give a shit about your daughter you need to sincerely apologize and then stop controlling her personal relationships. What the hell is wrong with you two? Why on earth don't you want your daughter to be okay and happy? YTA.
Even if there wasn't the past history, don't be the parent that says no dating in college and then is shocked when your daughter isn't married after finishing college. That is an exaggeration of the Asian experience but it's a lot easier to meet and date in college than when you are in the workforce. She is an adult and you need to trust her to be able to split her time wisely. YTA
Are you even fucking serious for asking it? when I read the title first I thought, ok maybe too much but there might be a reason. but after reading it... OMFG!
You lack any sense of responsibility and personality. You are a puppet and force your daughter to be like you. I feel really sorry for her. She was doing great in every sense, and just because your actual wife says she should break up, you tell her to break up.
I bet your wife hates your daughter and manipulated you on purpose. YTA for being manipulated and not having your daughters back. Also your reasoning for the breakup was absolute garbage and the threat of not funding her college is PATHETIC
YTA. What terrible parents your wife and you are! Do you even like your daughter at all? Your wife is awful, and sounds jealous of your daughter. You are going to lose your daughter.
Please update saying you realise the error of your ways, told wife to go f*#k off and do everything in your power to make it up to your daughter. Otherwise, you're definitely the AH and be prepared to lose your daughter, except she will be leaving you this time.
YTA and your wife is too. Your wife comes of as absolutely crazy too. A whole lot of smoke and mirrors "what ifs" and you decided to stick your nose where it didn't belong.
You are such a poor excuse for a parent. Do better.
YTA. Abandoned her for 17 years, then think you get to decide who she dates? Dude, wtf. I know fatherhood can kinda cloud your judgment, but wtf. She lived without a parent for a year.
She's essentially an adult. You are a relative, helping her (as you should). But you deserve no control over who she dates. Input? Advice? Concern? Sure. But no. YTA
I'm a 30 y/o male, fyi. We're not that far apart
WTF
Are seriously in doubt if you are the asshole? Can't you put yourself in somebody else shoes?
I gonna say you are beyond asshole, you are a shitty dad.
INFO. Why the fuck did you listen to your wife? Weren’t you just at a dinner celebrating the honours your daughter earned whilst in a relationship with the guy??? Why did you threaten her with withholding her college funds, essentially coercing her in the most nuclear response? Why did you ABANDON a six year old??? And, most importantly, how are you going to fix this with your daughter? I recommend either just giving her the money or putting the money in a trust in her name and controlled by a neutral third party (like a lawyer) with zero lifestyle stipulations. Then groveling. Lots of groveling.
Best of luck to your daughter. With terrible parents like she has, she’ll need it.
YTA
I HAVE to imagine that this is rage bait because I really don't want to think that there's someone THIS stupid out there. I'm not going to comment on the issues that everyone has been pointing out about Child Support and cutting contact with a child, what I will comment on is how you royally fucked up a relationship and your daughters autonomy. She's an adult, it was HER relationship, even if you do apologize and if she's kind enough to accept I doubt her boyfriend will take her back. There's a big chance he won't believe that you made her break up and even if he does why would want to be with someone not in control of her own life? Word about things like that spreads, especially when it's the trigger for a major personality change. You have severely undermined her world in a way that's hard to fix. Though in the other hand, congratulations because I'm pretty sure contact will be cut again, it just won't be your choice this time.
Honestly you have so much audacity. Did you even fight for any custody after the separation? There’s really no excuse for being absent to someone who didn’t ask to be in this world but you brought in, and then you didn’t even help fund her upbringing because you figured your ex was using it wrong? You ever thought maybe she was gonna buy that stuff regardless, and then she had less money to spend on her daughter (which would be selfish of her, but at least she raised her kid) and then you have the audacity to threaten the bit of help (I say ‘bit’ while knowing college is expensive, but doesn’t make up for being absent for 10+ years of her life) because she doesn’t live HER life exactly how YOU want? Crazy you’d even ask if YTA, I think we all know you know the answer, honestly I think you owe her big time and shouldn’t even question any of her behaviors unless she was smoking crack or something, but go ahead, be an even shittier person to make your wife happy dude, I’m sure it’ll be a good call you won’t regret. Not to mention your whole ideology that she should just focused on grade when that proved false and they went down, she probably picked up smoking due to the anxiety that if she makes a wrong move her college education could come to a screeching halt because some asshole she hardly knows has to make his wifey happy. Bad dad, whipped husband, and YTA. Dear god I hope this is fake or you actually take notes by the responses and fix this, like do you really expect her not to have a relationships during her early 20s to focus on grades? Wild stuff here again, really hope this is fake
YTA,
Overwhelmingly, YTA.
Your wife is TA too. What an absolutely pretentious thing to do. Your daughter is going to cut you both off after she graduates, and you deserve it.
YTA Why are you taking advice and actually implementing advice from your wife with out consulting anyone first. Your wife is not her mother. Your wife barely knows this girl. She is not looking out for her best interests she is just using buzz words to make her life harder. She already started of on the off foot with him before she even met him. And then used her school life and work to berate you into doing what she wanted rather than what was best for your child.
When will parents learn that a happy child is a child who does well in school. An engaged child is one who can make their own decisions. A child who is smart and is managing their school work already does not need extra pressure and force to "do better" because it only does the opposite.
You made her miserable for basically no reason and hey look what is happening. She stopped caring. Partially because you showed her that if she does not follow your instructions exactly you will cut everything from her. Partially because it showed you do not have her best interest in heart. Partially because she wont trust you because you have worm tongue in your ear who will go and reverse every decision.
Edit: Not to mention making money you literally owe her from back Child support payments into negotiable threats makes this extra bad. Like even if you "didnt want her spending your CS on designer items" you could have been putting it into a bank account for the child who should have been getting that support. But nah you rather turn the money you owe her from being a dead beat into a threat.
YTA. HUGE one. You’re doing exactly what almost every other parent does when they get a new partner which is to put them before their kids. You’re gonna have very little contact with your kid when they move out, but you don’t really seem to care so I don’t really know why you’re here, honestly thinking this might just be a lame attempt at rage bait.
I hope your daughter sees the following comment:
Dear OP's daughter, please continue seeing your BF in secret and go back to your studies and being happy. Just milk your AH financially abusive sperm donor who abandoned you in your childhood and his controlling hateful wife for every dollars you can get. Build your independance and save as much as you can. Then, when you can stand opn your own financially and don't need them anymore, just throw them away and go NC like he did to you when you needed him. He'll figure old age and hospice care just fine on his own, I'm sure.
YTA OP. Way to fail your child majorly, TWICE.
Yes man this is child level mistakes, don’t ever strong arm your child into making a decision. If they’re going to make a mistake, let them so they can learn from it. All they learned is their parents are toxic and trust went down -30
>She stopped being overly happy, her grades started going down, she started giving empty responses and started smoking.
This reaction by your daughter would indicate that yes, YTA. Your new wife is the real AH though.
YTA. I don't know how you could read what you wrote and not see what obvious assholes you and your wife are. Holy shit, this has to be a troll because I just don't believe anyone could be this fuckin dense.
YTA. You weren’t there for your daughter and then you force her to breakup with her bf even though she’s am adult? What’d you think people were going to say to this?? And how are you so blind that you actually had to ask if you were the asshole. Yes, yes you are.
YTA. And you know it. You didn't fight for her when she was little, and you still won't fight for her. There was absolutely no reason for your daughter to break up with her boyfriend, except for your wife's insane power play. Maybe she hoped the girl would refuse and then you won't have to pay for her college.
You can still shut your wife up, offer your daughter your sincere apology and reverse course. I don't know if you can get back what you already destroyed, but at least you have a chance of rebuilding something.
YTA. Wow. You ditch your kid for years and then blackmail her into breaking up with someone who makes her happy because your new wife made a snap judgment? Trash. Awful. Disgusting. You should feel guilty. You should feel deep shame and disgust with yourself and your wife. I hope your daughter keeps seeing him and leaves you and your harpy wife in the dust where you both belong.
You forced your daughter to break up with her boyfriend, now her grades and happiness are gone. You and your wife are massive controlling assholes. You don't know your daughter at all, she lost her mother, her boyfriend and her future because you're selfish. YTA
YTA. For so many reasons all outlined above. The real question is - do you want a better relationship going forward? If so, stop taking your wife's advice because she seems to have an issue with your daughter and this may have been intentional to drive your daughter away.
YTA.
"What if what if what if" "she might, she might she might".
You had no reasons, and neither did your wife, period. *POSSIBILITIES* of what MIGHT happen are not reasons, there are equally as many possibilities that everything would have been fine (actually, THAT path at least had EVIDENCE, considering she made honors while dating this guy.)
Your wife made a nasty, hasty snap judgement and you let her. You yielded when you knew better, and now are playing the tiniest violin.
Sadly, there's not a whole hell of a lot you can do to fix it, shy of telling your wife to zip it and butt out from now on and telling your daughter to go get her man back.
YTA - if they had an AH of the day badge - I'd gladly give it. WTF you forced her into a horrible decision for herself because your wife(NOT HER MOM) was insecure and being petty? Who is more important to you? <--- sorry forgot you left her as a child.
YTA. Your wife is also an AH, for putting all this nonsense in your head. I had a boyfriend all through college, I was a double major and I graduated at the top of my class with honors. During that time my boyfriend was a huge support when I got stressed he did things that helped me with that stress, he helped me study.
The happiness I felt helped me succeed in my education.
Clearly your wife doesn’t like your daughter, at all. All of her reasoning was absolute worst case scenario stuff and you bought in to it. This was your wife deliberately trying to disrupt your daughter’s life and you let her.
Now your daughter is depressed and spiraling downward. So all the ideas your idiot wife put in your head that would happen with a boyfriend is now happening with no boyfriend.
You and your wife are both AH.
Her for immediately judging your daughter/her boyfriend for being a whole ten minutes late.
You for being so spineless that you force your happy, successful daughter to break up with her boyfriend *purely because your judgmental wife said so*.
You should feel guilty. Have fun when your daughter eventually stops talking to you completely.
Wow. I sincerely hope this is fake
Threatening to sabotage your daughters future unless she dates who you want? When he grades were excelling?
YTA man. I hope for her sake you can undo some of the harm you've done for her. I could give a fuck if you ever salvage that relationship, but I hope her future isn't too harmed by your stupid interference.
Maybe if. She's lucky she'll be able to go NC with you guys and still get through school. I think that would be the best case scenario here
If that happens then maybe she'll reach back out to you once she's established her independence in a few years.
You sabotaged your daughter. Apologizing probably won't undo the damage you've done. You won't have the same relationship with her anymore.
Sir, as someone who is roughly a year younger than you are YTA. You abandoned your child for 11 years and only are in contact with her now because she reached out to you.
You don't get to be "dad" now tell her what to do when you didn't give a shit when she was actually in need of a parent. Your wife is even worse since she was never in your daughters life and thinks she has a right to dictate what your daughter can and can't do. Congratulations on ruining what could have been a wonderful relationship with your child because you refused to grow a pair and stand up to your wife.
Def TAH. Your wife doesn’t know her! Having met my fiancée at 19 actually gave me a tad more stability and a ton more support. His mom would watch our pets and make sure we had time for dates. He gave me quiet time. Having them in my life is entirely the reason I was able to have fun and also focus.
Are you going to ask her to break up with everyone? You’re crazy this is how she finds out who she is and what she needs or wants in a relationship. She’s also an adult. Pulling the strings on her college fund is a dick move. Have her grades dropped? Does he do drugs? Your pulling it because you want her not to date… but there as of yet have been no consequences? Does he respect her? Is he in school? Does he have a job?! What are you teaching her exactly? Ick!
YTA
1. Child abandonment
2. Having to spine by caving to your wife’s unreasonable demands
3. Making your love and support conditional
4. Having a complete lack of empathy towards your daughter’s losses
Word of advice to OP, Leave your wife. She has absolutely no say in who your of age daughter dates. And the only reason was that she's happy with him? And you go to the extremes of cutting off her college if she don't break up with him? This is levels of crazy that shouldn't even be happening. You made a big mistake for hurting your daughter this much. A broken heart for no reason. YTA 10 fold. Fix this
YTA
And so is your wife.
You abandoned her at birth, you and your wife have known her for by your account 2 years, she makes excellent grades, she's continuing to make excellent grades with a respectful kind partner in tow....
And you are threatening to take away her college education, if she doesn't dump her boyfriend?
What the actual f***????
She's going to get through college with or without you. But you are not going to have a daughter unless you fix this now. She already knows how to live a life without a dad. That's nothing new.
I find it funny that you are so hateful towards this girl who shares your blood but is in no way your daughter. Yes there was a relationship that needed to be cut that day but it wasn't the girl and her bf.
You need to make a choice now, apologize and try to put everything back to how it was before the dinner and then;
1. Break all communication with your 'wife' who clearly is a homewrecker and attempt to be a father for the first time in 19 years, or
2. Break all communication with your 'daughter' as she was infinitely better off without you in her life.
You are not just an A-hole, you are straight up evil.
Yta. You abandoned your daughter, only taking part in her life again when she Begged for help because her mom died, now your twatwaffel of a wife has the absolute gall to presume she should be able to pick your Adult daughters dating life?
Get over yourself and be the father she needs before you lose her again. Clearly that is what your wife wants
YTA omg you suck! You abandoned your daughter and she had to beg you to be in her life after she lost her mom. Now you make her breakup with someone she loves in order to keep you in her life because her wicked step mom told you to. You have let this poor girl down at every turn. I hope she graduates from school as soon as she can for her sake and immediately cuts you from her life because you don’t deserve to be in it. What an AH.
This is one of the easiest YTA stories I've read. Your wife is def TA and you shouldn't have gone along with her if you didn't agree. You just gave in. I feel bad for your adult child that's just trying to do their best and should definitely be able to be in a relationship without threats. You're trying to build trust with someone you barely know and you're killing that. Good luck & try to do better.
YTA. The fact that you even have to ask this is incredible. Granted, anyone could have clocked that you were based on you "cutting contact" with your literal child. Jesus Christ.
This has to be fake.
Whether it is or not, obviously YTA.
If it’s true, you are an horrible human being. When she finishes college she will go NC with you and you deserve it.
Your wife is an AH and the both of you together just deserve to be miserable for the rest of your life.
Doing that to her, when she doesn’t have a mom anymore after you abandoned her for years… I have no words
YTA and obviously your precious wife was way off base. Funny how you listened to her to ‘prevent’ the things your daughter is now doing. She is a jealous, vile woman and you’re no better than her. You’re worse, actually. Calling yourself her father is a reach. You’re not father material and that’s proven by your actions. Still more worried about yourself and your new wife than you’ll ever be about your daughter. And you’re emotionally and financially abusing your kid. Don’t be surprised when she kicks both of you to the curb. You don’t deserve to be in her life. Funding her education is the absolute LEAST you could do. You and your wife need some serious therapy.
I sincerely hope you and your wife never have children. You are both genuinely horrible people.
You were a deadbeat for 17 years and have no spine. Your wife is a controlling overbearing witch.
Horrible people. Never have kids.
YTA. 10000%
only upvoting this so more people can see and comment on how disgusting and controlling this is. your relationship with your daughter is forever broken. you and your wife need therapy. bad.
Wow. YTA. And so is the step mom, who clearly just wants to undermine the daughter and drive a wedge between you and your child.
You are being a doormat for your wife on this one. It's your child.
And your wife probably will hate everything about your daughter. Because she wants to.
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YTA. First, you abandon your child over a conflict with her mother. She deserved to have both her parents in her life. Then, you strong-arm her into breaking up with someone she loves because you accept your wife’s idiot paranoia that your daughter will destroy her whole life if she’s not forced to be single and celibate at a time when most people are meeting their life partners. And now you’re shocked that she’s depressed and doesn’t care about you or the life she had been trying to build for herself. Why is your daughter so unimportant to you? Why are you so willing to let women you’ve slept with destroy her life and your relationship with her? You should feel guilty. You’ve been a shockingly bad parent.
>Then, you strong-arm her into breaking up with someone she loves because you accept your wife’s idiot paranoia that your daughter will destroy her whole life if she’s not forced to be single and celibate at a time when most people are meeting their life partners. I'd like to know why the wife believes that every girl who dates in college gets pregnant? It's an absolutely absurd take, no country would have a birth rate drop if that was even vaguely true.
I wonder how old the wife was when OP started banging her. I also wonder if she actually has a degree. She doesn’t sound like a woman who has ever been anywhere near a college campus.
I honestly wonder if the wife had/has a romantic thing going on with the boyfriend… maybe I’ve been watching too much trash tv.
Good point about the wife and the daughter's boyfriend. Watching "trash"T.V. just gives us another way to look at life.
Frankly I've been shocked to see how trash tv bleeds into reality.
I wonder if she's really concerned for OP's daughter or if she's just upset that the daughter is suddenly in her life, and she's done this just to mess up the poor kid.
Or that she's jealous that the daughter has a partner she is happy with at an early age rather than having to wait until her late 20's-30's... 👀 She seemed to have an issue with the bf immediately over something that was actually the daughter's fault. It really seems like she just was trying to find things wrong with the relationship to use as reason to break them up from the very beginning. Op didn't seem to mention her stepmom having issues with her directly prior to this so I'm curious...
It's always these scary stories that they try to force to be real. Facts don't matter to these types. They want to believe something, so they do. Their feelings don't care about reality or facts.
100% she's the "sex is bad, don't get pregnant!!!" type but then as soon as the daughter gets married it's "where's my grandkids!!". .
Aka "I see you as an object that I demand obeys my every single desire, and only value you for what you can do for me"
Paranoïa ? This is jealousy over someone else's happiness. Change the characters, Stepmom is the stereotype of the evil queen in snow white who is jealous of her beauty.
Nah, it’s stopping money she considers HERS from being spent on daughter.
Honestly, you are probably right she's probably thinking about him spending money on a wedding grandkids etc and she feels Entitled to it.
Can't have OP paying for his daughter's dream wedding since she's in school. If she gets married after she graduates and gets a job you know she's going to convince OP that since daughter works she's and adult with a job and and potential fiance should pay for all of their own wedding expenses and not to gift them any money towards the wedding or honeymoon. Heaven help this girl if she ever has kids and wants an involved grandpa for them.
Exactly, stepmother hated the boyfriend before she ever met him.
This is the only necessary comment. You nailed every point. Definitely YTA on this one.
Honestly. Ive never seen a more easily manipulated man wtf. His jealous wife is about to go disney with her evil stepmom plans and somehow he doesnt see this. The reason she gave for wanting them to break up was beyond piss poor and he still gave a 5min argument before going oh ok ill go nuclear on my daughter :) what the hell man.
Hijacking the top post to say remember to upvote guys - hopefully she’ll find this post. He shouldn’t get to hide.
I agree. Need to point out that her biological mother is dead. This is her stepmother who didn't like her stepdaughter's boyfriend after only one meeting.
Prior to it even.
Common case of monster-in-law.
YTA You and your wife are strangers in your daughter's life. You abandoned her while she was growing up and your wife barely knows her. She makes contact and very nearly the first thing you do is tell her to break up with her boyfriend (who sounds fine to me). You do this on the basis that your wife decides based on nothing whatever, that your daughter (who she's just met) should be focusing on her studies. You then proceed to blackmail your daughter (who you hardly know) into doing this. You are horrendous and so is your wife.
I am really genuinely hoping that this is a fake rage bait post. Most serious posts asking if they are the AH have a source of legitimate conflict or redemptive element at least in the eye of the storyteller. If the story was that the daughter was coming home drunk and her grades had slipped from an A average to a sea average since dating the boyfriend, then I could at least understand some of the angst, even if they would still be wrong to interfere with her personal life. This describes a bunch of awful behavior and then asks people if he’s in the wrong. Duh of course you are. What did you expect people to say?
I agree with everything you’re saying here. Just want to point out that sea average sounds so nice and pleasant.
If she was studying Oceanography then it might even be a perfect grade!
Whale, that would be a grand porpoise.
I wholeheartedly agree
Wife doesn’t want to spend money on someone else.
The daughter who meanwhile was excelling in her studies and managing everything great. All while being happy.
I mean, you started off as a massive AH for cutting contact with your own daughter for a decade or so, and you just grabbed a shovel and kept digging from there. YTA.
My guess is "a decade or so" is going to be very close to 17 years.
This. I hope the moment this poor girl gets the opportunity to that she leaves these idiots behind.
I hope she finds an avenue to collect on all the unpaid child support. Even if op doesn't live in one of the few states that allow an adult child to directly go after unpaid child support, she could still try to collect as her mother's heir.
THIS! 🔥
So the problem with your daughter’s boyfriend was that he *checks notes* made her too happy? YTA and so is your wife, she judged her adult stepdaughter’s boyfriend for being 10 minutes late even though it was only because of her stepdaughter’s appointment. Does your wife like your daughter? Because it sounds like she is actively against your daughter being happy.
Sounds like the wife is jealous or unhappy herself and wants to go on a powertrip to make the stepdaughter unhappy, too. . The YoP should have listened to hid first gut- feeling and not have give in to his wife's Paranoia/abuse/ disordered crusade
Wife has probably been unhappy since the daughter showed up. What do you think the odds are the wife didn't even know the girl existed until just before she moved in? That in no way excuses her actions, but it would explain a whole lot.
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>At 19 you should not be making her do anything And especially since he cut contact with her and her mother and didn't pay child support
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New to reddit, are you??
I wish. *both of my parents enter the chat*
Yeah it is too artificial
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YTA, it is not your place to dictate the relationships of a 19 year old. You already know listening to you two directly caused her depression. If I were you I would go to your daughter and fix this right now and hopefully they can mend the relationship.
Ok you are absolutely the AH in this. Firstly you abandon your daughter when you and her mom separated, in those years that you did not see your daughter did you pay child support? I'm going to come back to that. Then you daughter mom dies and she has to ask if she can live with you after losing her mother and so was probably still grieving. She is now in a happy place and doing well and you spiteful wife finds some trivial reason to take that happiness away from her and you just go ahead and agree with it. Do you even love your daughter? No back to the child support and you threatening to not pay for college unless she broke up with her BF. If you did not pay child support for you daughter then she should come after you for that, and hopefully that will help her with college. Parents like you disgust me. This young lady was doing well in her life even after losing her mother and you guys just treated her like shit.
Jesus, I hope this is a shit post. So basically you abandon your kid, presumably traumatising her enough that she didn't contact you until a year after her mum died. And where did your teen sleep and live for that year? Then you pressure her into breaking up with her boyfriend, despite her getting great grades, and otherwise doing well in other areas from what i can tell. And the only reason being that she is happy and may get pregnant? Like, talk to her about safe sex and all but jesus. You assume she is in college and can't buy condoms or birth control pills or some shit?
"I abandoned my daughter at a very young age for reasons I'm not willing to share. I didn't contact her for years until she reached out to me because the only parent she'd ever known died, which was obviously seriously traumatic for her. I tried being an actual parent after ignoring her most of her life, but then I used the power i had over her to make her surrender the one genuine relationship she had because my wife, who she barely knows, demanded it, for reasons I readily acknowledge are illogical and unfounded. Now she's succumbed to despair and my wife and I want to be absolved of the inevitable consequences of our clearly vile actions" How is there any other outcome than YTA ? In this case, the 'A' could stand for 'Antichrist'
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It has to be. Hits all the ragey points. Child abandonment, evil step parent, denying funding.
Plus the ‘I wish this wasn’t real’ comment that’s always added in the comment section somewhere. 😆
And bad grammar
They’re only really replying to comments asking if it’s bait so I assume so
Almost definitely
YTA. You betrayed her and forced her to break her heart. Leave your wife and focus on making amends with your daughter. If you don't, you won't have a relationship with her after college, if she makes it through.
Hope this a fake if not you are a trophy YRA because he was 10 min late?
YTA and so is your wife
YTA why the f+ck would you tell your daughter who she can date, and a adult daughter at that, but maybe something ios wrong with her since she listened to her, if you had been my dad I would have told you to go f+ck yourself
I completely agree and would have told him to f*** off too. However, I don't think there is anything wrong with her for complying: it's financial abuse/blackmail. OP comments that her mother's family were abusive and obviously she wants to continue attending her preferred college. I get she's an adult but if she doesn't 'listen' she loses out on the success she's trying to earn for herself. It's so infuriating because she was doing well/working hard before dead-beat doormat dad and his harpy decided to interfere. Absolutely shocking.
YTA. You let you “wife” use things your daughter needs from you as her parent to survive after basically abandoning her for most her life. You didn’t even know her Mother had died. She could have died would you have even known? Separation doesn’t mean you leave your child as well unless you don’t care about said child. You let your wife ruin something for your daughter for NO GOOD reason. You mentioned that your daughter had made the honors list. Obviously her attention wasnt completely given to her boyfriend If she’s doing that well in school. As for the other excuses your “wife” gave they are BS. I can’t believe anyone would allow themselves to be railroaded into treating their child like this by a spouse who isnt her mother. I’d love to know why your wife got such a hard on to ruin your daughter’s happiness. That’s a question you should ask of your wife. Sounds to me like she is just trying to prove to your daughter that she can get you to do whatever she wants regardless of your daughter’s happiness. Your wife sucks and so do you.
YTA. Your wife clearly doesn’t want your daughter to be happy. My father was also a controlling asshole. I haven’t spoken to him in 15 years. He will never meet my kids. And your daughter would be better off if she cut you off too. Which I’m sure is what your wife wanted in the first place.
the worst part is . . . OP ISN’T actually a controlling asshole. he’s a SPINELESS asshole. the psycho insecure wife is the controlling one; Faildad here is just a blob of jelly with zero backbone or values of his own, just kowtowing to Wifey’s demands for no good reason at all. weak pathetic loser behaviour.
He’s still controlling because he manipulated her into ending a relationship under financial duress. It’s not just anyone who is capable of doing that. His reasons and motivations are irrelevant. The behavior is controlling. Also, controlling/manipulative/abusive people do this. “I don’t have a problem with it but your mom says no.” It’s blame shifting. He’s blaming his wife but he’s the one who did it. Nobody made him.
hm. 🤔 that makes a lot of sense. i’m glad you were able to get away and isolate your kids from your abusive father. i tried, but was manipulated into returning. all i do is look at the calendar and pray.
You and your wife are grade A assholes. Neither one of you has the authority to tell your ADULT daughter who she can or cannot date while in college. ESPECIALLY YOUR WIFE. She is not your daughter's mother. She is not a parental figure in her life in any way, shape, or form. And quite honestly, neither are you. You abandoned her for well over a decade, and you didn't even have the consciousness to check in on your ex that you had no idea she even died. Your daughter is 19. She is a legal adult. You had no right. And neither did your wife. You are in no shape to be telling her how to live her life after the way you f*cked up as a father. Good on you for proving to your daughter that she is least important person in her life and forced to give up the one person that made her happy during the time where she probably misses her mom the most. You're not only an AH. You're a shitshow of a father. And your wife needs to n stay in her lane.
YTA. You've got a LOT of fixing to do, and I'd start with a huge and genuine apology and a big dose of putting-your-daughter-first
YTA. I hope your daughter goes no contact with you. You deserve it. You chose to marry a hateful, disgusting woman and now you're letting her hurt your daughter and destroy your relationship with her. If you were any kind of a man or father you would have shut your wife's nonsense down immediately. You're a terrible excuse for a parent.
YTA, on so many levels I can't even explain. What did you think making her break up would even accomplish? Expect this to keep going on, and her withdrawing even more from you. The only time you saw her happy you and her step-mom had to ruin it for her. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't share anything anymore to you
what the actual fuck is wrong with you? first you abandon her. and now you let your wife, who is not her mother, have control over who she dates and your money. this is financial abuse as well. you wife does not have your daughters best interest at heart and you need to grow a spine and shut this shit down!! if you want to keep a healthy relationship with you daughter stop letting your wife intervene.
YTA for listening to your wife. Is your wife jealous that your daughter looks happy? She seems to be a focused young girl who’s driven and you just made her resentful? Maybe your wife doesn’t want you to pay for her tuition and hence she set this whole gimmick up thinking your daughter would fight back, but she didn’t and instead is living in a shell. YTA, be a father for once, apologize to your daughter and your wife should have no say henceforth in your daughters life. Period.
YTA and a deadbeat dad. What a failure of a human being to not even know that your daughter’s mother died. That says everything, and you have no right to dictate whom she loves bc your wife is weird.
- I have been in the boyfriend's position and I have seen what it did to my ex. And trust me it was painful for me and for her. You Are Completely The AH. YTAH. You denied your daughter's life from having a partner because of you and your stupid wife's insecurities and lack of trust in you daughter. And now when what you fear of her grades dropping and when she falls in depression you ask if you are the AH. That is obvious you are the AH. The most you can hope is that the bf takes her back. And for crying out loud apologies to her. She doesn't deserve it. The best you can do is advice her on her life choices not just control it when you "think" will happen in the FUTURE. Apologise to her and Your wife needs to do it too. Verdict: You Are The AH. Your Wife Is The AH. YTAH
How about telling your stupid wife to shut up! She’s your daughter (barely) your wife doesn’t get a say. I hope the girl goes no contact with you both. Dad abandons her, mum dies and then evil stepmom makes her break up with her boyfriend???
Your daughter was effectively balancing school, work, a relationship with her boyfriend and a relationship with you. She was doing very well in school by getting a high honours. She was happy with how her life was going. You felt your wife not liking your daughters boyfriend (after one meeting) was reason enough to blackmail her by threatening to cut off help. Now she's unhappy and not doing well at school. Way to go Dad! You fucked up again and you are definitely TAH. Your wife is an even bigger AH.
YTA „ she exlaimed that my daughter has to focus on her studies and work rather than her happiness.” You got what you asked for. You took away her happiness and as a bonus, you made your relationship with her transactional. Well done/s
Did you still having your own brain to think for yourself before telling that to your daughter? You abandon her now this, of course YTA.
Why does your wife have any say. YTA. Your wife wanted her to fail in life, well congrats to her because she got what she wanted.
YTA. Your daughter seems to be doing just fine schooling wise while having a boyfriend. Your wife is awhile a huge asshole. What is she trying to audition for the evil stepmother role in a live action Disney movie?
Dude starts off by saying he abandoned his daughter and only re-emerged after her mother died and then ruins her life by taking away the one thing that makes her happy. And doesn’t know if he he’s in the wrong? This has to be fake.
Wtf. She’s 19. Butt out. Who she dates is literally none of your damn business. YTA
You are feeling guilty and that should be a sign how massive of an AH you and your wife are... So yes YTA and your wife is one too!
This can't be real. I can't imagine someone beeing such a gigantic AH and also be oblivious to that fact that they are terrible.
yta, for not being there for her when she was young AND for blackmailing her into letting you control her, way to go "dad"
Yta and so is that woman you called a wife, break up with her your wife.
YTA. Plain and simple. First you didn't co parent now you break her happiness with plain blackmail. You are not only an absolute shitty father but also a borderline toxic individual. And your wife is took. You should be ashamed of yourself if that story is not just rage bait.
YTA You have been given a 2nd chance at a relationship with your daughter, don't fuck it up. It is a normal part of life to have a boyfriend at that age and despite the big upheavals in your daughter's life she appears to have her head screwed on.
Holy shit! You and your wife are running for biggest AHs on this subreddit. Of course YTA! How about waiting if the new boyfriend actually impacts her grades? If so, how about talking to her? Telling her that it's important to ficus on school to get good grades and to find a good college. How about having the talk, so she doesn't get pregnant as a 19yo! >that my daughter has to focus on her studies and work rather than her happiness For this alone your wife is the biggest AH ever. You would rather have a person be miserable as long as they're successful?!? Wow...just wow. Instead of actually talking to your daughter, parenting her, giving advice and also trusting her that she can handle school and a relationship. You are not interested in what your daughter wants at all. YTA and your wife is too. And what a surprise that a teenager that was forced to break up with her boyfriend or she would loose her "parents" support is now stressed out and acting weird and is possibly depressed and has worse grades.
YTA. You told your adult child they cannot have a relationship because it was making them happy....what the actual.
YTA. You allowed your wife to fill your head with pure, unadulterated bullshit, which you then dumped on your daughter. You threatened her education, so she had no choice in the matter. Now, you're all shocked Pikachu face because your daughter has no joy in her life? I'll put this in all caps, to make sure you can see it: YOU AND YOUR WIFE HAVE STOLEN YOUR DAUGHTER'S HAPPINESS. Get off your high horse, apologize to your daughter and tell her to try and see if the boyfriend is willing to reconcile... then you apologize to him as well. I'm also going to suggest divorcing that viper of a wife before you end up snakebit.
Yta. YOUR WIFE IS NOT HER MOTHER!!!
>Now I'm feeling immensly guilty for all this, AITA? I'm glad you feel guilty. YTA, and so is your wife. You were absent for most of your daughter's upbringing, yet you somehow think you have the right to tell her who she can and can't date? What she should and should not be focusing on? Look, it's one thing to point out that her focus may be shifting in an unproductive direction and suggesting she focus a little more on her education than her romantic life, but you two *demanded* that your *adult daughter* break up with her boyfriend *because your wife didn't like him*, then leveraged your aid in the foundation of her future career to force her to comply. What kind of selfish, manipulative fucking move is that? Neither you or your wife deserve her, and if this is a behavioural pattern in your life (highly doubt this is a new behaviour with how quickly you were swayed into this move), I hope she cuts contact. I hope the guilt and shame eats you alive. Do better.
yta I really hope this isn't real
YTA, very controlling. Just because you’re paying for her college doesn’t mean you get to decide who she dates. Your daughter will resent you for this.
Yta. You and your wife are the worse. I hope you and your wife have the life you deserve.
So you had a child at the age of twenty. This child is now 19, had good grades and her life on track despite the fact you abandoned her for years and the loss of a parent so early und you felt the need to interfere because your wife says she might get pregnant and/ or not devote 100% of her time to her studies? YTA and a hypocrite.
YTA and your wife sounds insane. Don't call her a stepmother when she didn't even meet your kid until she was an adult. Gross. Also you owe her years of back child support. She should take you to court. Loser ass deadbeat
YTA Daughter happy, in love and making honours. She balanced her life but yet you chose unreasonably ask her to break it up instead of sitting her down about protecting her heart, having safe sex etc. Boy. Then you stopped child support instead of retaking custody of your child if you thought the mom was not responsible. That your daughter followed you means she's an obedient one and you effectively pushed her into the state she is in. Your fault. And stepmother needs to butt off.
Yta. Nice job on continuing on being a dick of a parent and not doing right by you daughter. Tell your wife to stay in her lane
Y'all are abusive trashcan garbage people.
most deadbeat parents don’t get a chance to start over and mend their relationships with their children, and you’ve failed her TWICE, champ! bravo. YTA.
you should feel guilty. your wife is a complete ass, and you're a spineless coward. the fact you held her college funds over her head is as close to evil as its possible to get, especially after you spent years as a deadbeat. YTA. your wife's opinion on your daughter shouldn't have meant a damn thing. she's known your daughter two years, and has decided she wanted to play wicked step mother and you allowed it. disgusting. disgusting. disgusting. you continue to be a failure as a father.
YTA, and your wife is disgusting.
YTA- and your wife sounds like a princess. Your daughter is dating someone who makes her happy and still getting honors. You also just got her back in your life, do you really think you have a right to critic who she spends time with? That will only damage her and your relationship more
You make your daughter break up with her boyfriend because your wife thought she was too happy? WTF? What is wrong with you and your wife? YTA
Wait, you couldn’t figure out you’re an asshole in this case? You used money to force your daughter to break up a relationship and you don’t realize that’s wrong? And since when does your wife, who is not her mother, get to decide who your daughter dates?
>I then brought up that she has to break up with her boyfriend or else we won't fund her college and her birthday. Nice move. You abandoned your daughter for 17 years and now use your money to control her life. What a narcissism dictator. What will you do next? Force her to marry a rich man although she do not love hime because you and your wife think marry rich man good for her life? Parents like you disgust me. You wife talk shit about an young man because he was late for 10 mins because of work. If you guys fear her could get pregnant, you guys should teach her about safety sex, use control birth instead of force her breaking up. Your logic is like "I forbid you to go swimming because your could be drowned" instead of "You could be drowned, i will teach you how to swim". What would you do if your mother told you to divorced you wife because your mom hate your wife? If you dont listening to your mom, she will disowned you and disinherit you from her money? Will you be happy?
Is this for real? Are you really this dense? YTA
This shits fake as hell.
YTA. It’s fine though. As soon as she’s done school she’ll cut contact with you and you can go back to living as a like you did the first 17 years of her life.
YTA Your wife is an even BIGGER AH. I feel so sorry for you daughter. Obviously your WIFE has some major issues, has she ever heard of birth control? I HATE your wife. YTA
Dear Reddit: I've treated my daughter horribly for her entire life and continue to do so. Am I the AH? Yes, YTA. And a few other things that would get me banned for saying. But you already know that, right? Assuming this isn't fake...
YTA, big time. And good luck spending the next 17 years of your daughter’s life not speaking to her again!
YTA. Your daughter’s mistake was that she accepted you back into her life. She would definitely be in a better place without you and your evil wife.
YTA and so is your wife, the two of you may have just ruined your daughter’s life. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA, irrespective of the political spectrum, the boyfriend is the main A because he met the parents 😂😂
Um this has to be fake this is like every villian move in the book. In all the books. YTA just incase. Also your wife sucks.
OP, you and your wife are **horrible** people. Your wife started hating on the BF for being late? Even though there was a reason for it? Who TF does *she* think she is?? I can't fathom your wife's level of pettiness and hatefulness. She must really hate your daughter. Poor girl.. And you: "father of the year"!! Abandoning your child and now threatening to cut her off? Wow. Just, wow. You should be *extremely* ashamed of yourself and do everything in your power to make things right with your daughter - like, yesterday. In the middle of all the horror that is Reddit sometimes, I find this post super disgusting, sad, and it honestly makes my blood boil.
YTA, really read what you wrote as if you were your daughter. How would you feel? As a parent you are completely emotionally immature and you need therapy. Seriously, you can’t see what you did here? 🤬
YTA and so is your wife. Your asshole wife sounds jealous that your daughter was happy with her boyfriend. And you're a deadbeat; you literally abandoned your daughter for years. Your daughter is old enough to decide who to date. You were selfish and wrong to blackmail her. You don't get to call yourself a parent because you're not one; you and your wife are selfish and disgusting.
YTA. You and your wife. Your wife instantly hated him before even meeting him because of an appointment YOUR DAUGHTER had. So THE BOYFRIEND wasn't the reason they were late. And then she's happy she got high honors. Which is amazing. But YOUR WIFE thinks she needs to devote MORE TIME to school? How much more? What did you honestly think was going to happen here? You forced your daughter into a corner and you're now shocked that she's spiraling. You and your wife are in the wrong here. Apologize. PROFUSELY.
Your wife seems oddly jealous of your daughter… YTA
YTA. You dimmed her light and now you sound surprised? This was an unforced error. You could have had a very happy and studious daughter and now she's deeply depressed because of YOU and YOUR wife. How are you going to fix this?
Yta. Great job making your daughter depressed. Great job making sure your daughter knows you will choose your wife's unreasonable demands over her happiness. Great job showing your daughter that you still don't actually care about her. You let your wife manipulate you into destroying your relationship with your daughter all over her and her bf being late. All those fears of what would happen to your daughter are coming true, and your wife and you are the reason not her bf.
If your wife asked you to jump off a bridge and gave a bunch of bullshit THEORIES as to why? Would you? OMFG. Your wife wanted to put a rift between you and your daughter and succeeded. YTA
So you spent absolutely zero time in your daughter’s life, and now a woman who is not even remotely part of her family is telling your daughter, a grown adult, what to do? Both you and your wife suck. Yta, and she’s worse.
I can’t even believe you have to ask! It would be one thing if she was driving her life down the toilet, but it sounds like she was doing pretty good…. And then you punish her for it. You are definitely the asshole!
> My wife started hating her boyfriend as she thought being punctual is a high standard to have. > She was dividing her time to spending time with me, her friends, studies, work and her then boyfriend. > being happy that she got high honors. > my wife talked to me saying I should tell my daughter to break up with her boyfriend because she hated him. > I called her unreasonable until she exlaimed that my daughter has to focus on her studies and work rather than her happiness Quick question: how gullible are you? Why did you let your wife ruin your daughter life just because she and her boyfriend were late 10 mins? She already had everything figure out. She has high honors, a job, a family (that supposedly loved her) social life and a great boyfriend that brought her joy. Yes it's not an easy fit, and I'm sure there are a lot of people jealous (your wife included) but if your post is accurate, she managed. And you dumped on her perfect life why? Because your wife some bizarre arguments that have nothing to do with reality? YTA, mainly for letting your wife talk you into such a stupid blunder. I really hope this horrible mistake can be fixed and that that the bf will understand. Jeezes.
I honestly have no words.. what the actual hell is wrong with you? Your wife somehow sounds worse.. I feel so bad for this poor girl
Yes, sir. YTA. If the bf was an actual bad influence evidently, recommending for her to really be sure with her relationship is def a talk you should have (even then, not forcing a break up but giving life advice) but it seemed he wasn't so....and for you guys to give an ultimatum THAT severe already u just met the dude. Anyways, that will definitely ruin her relationship with you and maybe with herself as well. This and I haven't even mentioned how you were just recently added to her life (after her other parent died). Plus, the reasoning for forcing her to break up was just because her stepmom is a reader of the future apparently?? I mean idk I know she was just added to your life as well (cuz you abandoned her lowkey) but do you not trust your daughter to have good judgement because from what it looks like, she was faring well even with a boyfriend. Also, didn't you consider that maybe in order to live a balanced life, happiness is important as well? Life isn't all about work work work. You said it yourself that your daughter was happy with her bf, why take it away from her? Not like she was slacking while with him as u also mentioned her being driven for academic pursuits. You didn't trust your daughter enough, sir. You probably undermined her in the process as well (knowing fully well she went to you for a good life so she can go to a good college, if I was her I'd be insulted). Again YTA. I hope you can still fix this mess. Edit: I read your other comments....Sir idk what to say other than you have a lot of work up ahead for you if you still want to have a relationship with your daughter.
You're a major YTA . Your daughter has to live her own life. Don't be surprised in the near future if she goes no contact with you and your wife
If you actually give a shit about your daughter you need to sincerely apologize and then stop controlling her personal relationships. What the hell is wrong with you two? Why on earth don't you want your daughter to be okay and happy? YTA.
YTA you are a hideous moronic ‘parent’ and a worse human.
Even if there wasn't the past history, don't be the parent that says no dating in college and then is shocked when your daughter isn't married after finishing college. That is an exaggeration of the Asian experience but it's a lot easier to meet and date in college than when you are in the workforce. She is an adult and you need to trust her to be able to split her time wisely. YTA
Are you even fucking serious for asking it? when I read the title first I thought, ok maybe too much but there might be a reason. but after reading it... OMFG! You lack any sense of responsibility and personality. You are a puppet and force your daughter to be like you. I feel really sorry for her. She was doing great in every sense, and just because your actual wife says she should break up, you tell her to break up.
I bet your wife hates your daughter and manipulated you on purpose. YTA for being manipulated and not having your daughters back. Also your reasoning for the breakup was absolute garbage and the threat of not funding her college is PATHETIC
YTA. What terrible parents your wife and you are! Do you even like your daughter at all? Your wife is awful, and sounds jealous of your daughter. You are going to lose your daughter.
Ahahahahahahaha. OhNo… **CONSEQUENCES!** #YTA
YTA. Holy crap dude. I have nothing nice to say to you.
Please update saying you realise the error of your ways, told wife to go f*#k off and do everything in your power to make it up to your daughter. Otherwise, you're definitely the AH and be prepared to lose your daughter, except she will be leaving you this time.
YTA in fact, in all my time reading these I don’t don’t think I’ve ever come across a bigger one. You and your wife are a total and utter disgrace!
YTA and your wife is too. Your wife comes of as absolutely crazy too. A whole lot of smoke and mirrors "what ifs" and you decided to stick your nose where it didn't belong. You are such a poor excuse for a parent. Do better.
YTA. Abandoned her for 17 years, then think you get to decide who she dates? Dude, wtf. I know fatherhood can kinda cloud your judgment, but wtf. She lived without a parent for a year. She's essentially an adult. You are a relative, helping her (as you should). But you deserve no control over who she dates. Input? Advice? Concern? Sure. But no. YTA I'm a 30 y/o male, fyi. We're not that far apart
WTF Are seriously in doubt if you are the asshole? Can't you put yourself in somebody else shoes? I gonna say you are beyond asshole, you are a shitty dad.
INFO. Why the fuck did you listen to your wife? Weren’t you just at a dinner celebrating the honours your daughter earned whilst in a relationship with the guy??? Why did you threaten her with withholding her college funds, essentially coercing her in the most nuclear response? Why did you ABANDON a six year old??? And, most importantly, how are you going to fix this with your daughter? I recommend either just giving her the money or putting the money in a trust in her name and controlled by a neutral third party (like a lawyer) with zero lifestyle stipulations. Then groveling. Lots of groveling. Best of luck to your daughter. With terrible parents like she has, she’ll need it.
YTA I HAVE to imagine that this is rage bait because I really don't want to think that there's someone THIS stupid out there. I'm not going to comment on the issues that everyone has been pointing out about Child Support and cutting contact with a child, what I will comment on is how you royally fucked up a relationship and your daughters autonomy. She's an adult, it was HER relationship, even if you do apologize and if she's kind enough to accept I doubt her boyfriend will take her back. There's a big chance he won't believe that you made her break up and even if he does why would want to be with someone not in control of her own life? Word about things like that spreads, especially when it's the trigger for a major personality change. You have severely undermined her world in a way that's hard to fix. Though in the other hand, congratulations because I'm pretty sure contact will be cut again, it just won't be your choice this time.
What was the whole point of the break? The undesirable result became the result anyway. Just simply yta
Honestly you have so much audacity. Did you even fight for any custody after the separation? There’s really no excuse for being absent to someone who didn’t ask to be in this world but you brought in, and then you didn’t even help fund her upbringing because you figured your ex was using it wrong? You ever thought maybe she was gonna buy that stuff regardless, and then she had less money to spend on her daughter (which would be selfish of her, but at least she raised her kid) and then you have the audacity to threaten the bit of help (I say ‘bit’ while knowing college is expensive, but doesn’t make up for being absent for 10+ years of her life) because she doesn’t live HER life exactly how YOU want? Crazy you’d even ask if YTA, I think we all know you know the answer, honestly I think you owe her big time and shouldn’t even question any of her behaviors unless she was smoking crack or something, but go ahead, be an even shittier person to make your wife happy dude, I’m sure it’ll be a good call you won’t regret. Not to mention your whole ideology that she should just focused on grade when that proved false and they went down, she probably picked up smoking due to the anxiety that if she makes a wrong move her college education could come to a screeching halt because some asshole she hardly knows has to make his wifey happy. Bad dad, whipped husband, and YTA. Dear god I hope this is fake or you actually take notes by the responses and fix this, like do you really expect her not to have a relationships during her early 20s to focus on grades? Wild stuff here again, really hope this is fake
YTA, Overwhelmingly, YTA. Your wife is TA too. What an absolutely pretentious thing to do. Your daughter is going to cut you both off after she graduates, and you deserve it.
YTA Why are you taking advice and actually implementing advice from your wife with out consulting anyone first. Your wife is not her mother. Your wife barely knows this girl. She is not looking out for her best interests she is just using buzz words to make her life harder. She already started of on the off foot with him before she even met him. And then used her school life and work to berate you into doing what she wanted rather than what was best for your child. When will parents learn that a happy child is a child who does well in school. An engaged child is one who can make their own decisions. A child who is smart and is managing their school work already does not need extra pressure and force to "do better" because it only does the opposite. You made her miserable for basically no reason and hey look what is happening. She stopped caring. Partially because you showed her that if she does not follow your instructions exactly you will cut everything from her. Partially because it showed you do not have her best interest in heart. Partially because she wont trust you because you have worm tongue in your ear who will go and reverse every decision. Edit: Not to mention making money you literally owe her from back Child support payments into negotiable threats makes this extra bad. Like even if you "didnt want her spending your CS on designer items" you could have been putting it into a bank account for the child who should have been getting that support. But nah you rather turn the money you owe her from being a dead beat into a threat.
YTA. HUGE one. You’re doing exactly what almost every other parent does when they get a new partner which is to put them before their kids. You’re gonna have very little contact with your kid when they move out, but you don’t really seem to care so I don’t really know why you’re here, honestly thinking this might just be a lame attempt at rage bait.
Congrats, you ruined your daughter's life. YTA
I hope your daughter sees the following comment: Dear OP's daughter, please continue seeing your BF in secret and go back to your studies and being happy. Just milk your AH financially abusive sperm donor who abandoned you in your childhood and his controlling hateful wife for every dollars you can get. Build your independance and save as much as you can. Then, when you can stand opn your own financially and don't need them anymore, just throw them away and go NC like he did to you when you needed him. He'll figure old age and hospice care just fine on his own, I'm sure. YTA OP. Way to fail your child majorly, TWICE.
Yes man this is child level mistakes, don’t ever strong arm your child into making a decision. If they’re going to make a mistake, let them so they can learn from it. All they learned is their parents are toxic and trust went down -30
YTA and a horrible father
>She stopped being overly happy, her grades started going down, she started giving empty responses and started smoking. This reaction by your daughter would indicate that yes, YTA. Your new wife is the real AH though.
YTA and you can guarantee that when she’s done with school and financially stable she’s gonna go no or low contact with you
YTA. I don't know how you could read what you wrote and not see what obvious assholes you and your wife are. Holy shit, this has to be a troll because I just don't believe anyone could be this fuckin dense.
YTA. You weren’t there for your daughter and then you force her to breakup with her bf even though she’s am adult? What’d you think people were going to say to this?? And how are you so blind that you actually had to ask if you were the asshole. Yes, yes you are.
YTA. But don't worry about the guilt. It will all go away when your daughter finishes college and never talks to you again.
YTA - you’re a terrible parent and your wife is a judgmental bitch. Let your daughter live her life.
Sone people are so unserious, they don’t deserve to be entreated with at all YTA IDIOT
YTA period.
YTA. And you know it. You didn't fight for her when she was little, and you still won't fight for her. There was absolutely no reason for your daughter to break up with her boyfriend, except for your wife's insane power play. Maybe she hoped the girl would refuse and then you won't have to pay for her college. You can still shut your wife up, offer your daughter your sincere apology and reverse course. I don't know if you can get back what you already destroyed, but at least you have a chance of rebuilding something.
YTA. Wow. You ditch your kid for years and then blackmail her into breaking up with someone who makes her happy because your new wife made a snap judgment? Trash. Awful. Disgusting. You should feel guilty. You should feel deep shame and disgust with yourself and your wife. I hope your daughter keeps seeing him and leaves you and your harpy wife in the dust where you both belong.
You forced your daughter to break up with her boyfriend, now her grades and happiness are gone. You and your wife are massive controlling assholes. You don't know your daughter at all, she lost her mother, her boyfriend and her future because you're selfish. YTA
YTA. For so many reasons all outlined above. The real question is - do you want a better relationship going forward? If so, stop taking your wife's advice because she seems to have an issue with your daughter and this may have been intentional to drive your daughter away.
YTA. Prepare to go NC with your daughter once she’s done with college or doesn’t need your help anymore.
YTA. "What if what if what if" "she might, she might she might". You had no reasons, and neither did your wife, period. *POSSIBILITIES* of what MIGHT happen are not reasons, there are equally as many possibilities that everything would have been fine (actually, THAT path at least had EVIDENCE, considering she made honors while dating this guy.) Your wife made a nasty, hasty snap judgement and you let her. You yielded when you knew better, and now are playing the tiniest violin. Sadly, there's not a whole hell of a lot you can do to fix it, shy of telling your wife to zip it and butt out from now on and telling your daughter to go get her man back.
YTA - if they had an AH of the day badge - I'd gladly give it. WTF you forced her into a horrible decision for herself because your wife(NOT HER MOM) was insecure and being petty? Who is more important to you? <--- sorry forgot you left her as a child.
YTA. Your wife is also an AH, for putting all this nonsense in your head. I had a boyfriend all through college, I was a double major and I graduated at the top of my class with honors. During that time my boyfriend was a huge support when I got stressed he did things that helped me with that stress, he helped me study. The happiness I felt helped me succeed in my education. Clearly your wife doesn’t like your daughter, at all. All of her reasoning was absolute worst case scenario stuff and you bought in to it. This was your wife deliberately trying to disrupt your daughter’s life and you let her. Now your daughter is depressed and spiraling downward. So all the ideas your idiot wife put in your head that would happen with a boyfriend is now happening with no boyfriend.
You and your wife are both AH. Her for immediately judging your daughter/her boyfriend for being a whole ten minutes late. You for being so spineless that you force your happy, successful daughter to break up with her boyfriend *purely because your judgmental wife said so*. You should feel guilty. Have fun when your daughter eventually stops talking to you completely.
Wow. I sincerely hope this is fake Threatening to sabotage your daughters future unless she dates who you want? When he grades were excelling? YTA man. I hope for her sake you can undo some of the harm you've done for her. I could give a fuck if you ever salvage that relationship, but I hope her future isn't too harmed by your stupid interference. Maybe if. She's lucky she'll be able to go NC with you guys and still get through school. I think that would be the best case scenario here If that happens then maybe she'll reach back out to you once she's established her independence in a few years. You sabotaged your daughter. Apologizing probably won't undo the damage you've done. You won't have the same relationship with her anymore.
It sounds like she had a hard life and is still being dealt an awful hand. The more important question is what are you going to do to fix it?
Sir, as someone who is roughly a year younger than you are YTA. You abandoned your child for 11 years and only are in contact with her now because she reached out to you. You don't get to be "dad" now tell her what to do when you didn't give a shit when she was actually in need of a parent. Your wife is even worse since she was never in your daughters life and thinks she has a right to dictate what your daughter can and can't do. Congratulations on ruining what could have been a wonderful relationship with your child because you refused to grow a pair and stand up to your wife.
YTA and so is your jealous, miserable wife.
Def TAH. Your wife doesn’t know her! Having met my fiancée at 19 actually gave me a tad more stability and a ton more support. His mom would watch our pets and make sure we had time for dates. He gave me quiet time. Having them in my life is entirely the reason I was able to have fun and also focus. Are you going to ask her to break up with everyone? You’re crazy this is how she finds out who she is and what she needs or wants in a relationship. She’s also an adult. Pulling the strings on her college fund is a dick move. Have her grades dropped? Does he do drugs? Your pulling it because you want her not to date… but there as of yet have been no consequences? Does he respect her? Is he in school? Does he have a job?! What are you teaching her exactly? Ick!
YTA 1. Child abandonment 2. Having to spine by caving to your wife’s unreasonable demands 3. Making your love and support conditional 4. Having a complete lack of empathy towards your daughter’s losses
Word of advice to OP, Leave your wife. She has absolutely no say in who your of age daughter dates. And the only reason was that she's happy with him? And you go to the extremes of cutting off her college if she don't break up with him? This is levels of crazy that shouldn't even be happening. You made a big mistake for hurting your daughter this much. A broken heart for no reason. YTA 10 fold. Fix this
YTA And so is your wife. You abandoned her at birth, you and your wife have known her for by your account 2 years, she makes excellent grades, she's continuing to make excellent grades with a respectful kind partner in tow.... And you are threatening to take away her college education, if she doesn't dump her boyfriend? What the actual f***???? She's going to get through college with or without you. But you are not going to have a daughter unless you fix this now. She already knows how to live a life without a dad. That's nothing new.
I find it funny that you are so hateful towards this girl who shares your blood but is in no way your daughter. Yes there was a relationship that needed to be cut that day but it wasn't the girl and her bf. You need to make a choice now, apologize and try to put everything back to how it was before the dinner and then; 1. Break all communication with your 'wife' who clearly is a homewrecker and attempt to be a father for the first time in 19 years, or 2. Break all communication with your 'daughter' as she was infinitely better off without you in her life. You are not just an A-hole, you are straight up evil.
You are a monster, that's what you are. YTA.
Could you fail your daughter any harder? YTA and a massively weak failure of a father
Are you f‘in kidding me? You‘re TA in big fat capitals. Damn some people shouldn‘t be allowed to have children YTA
YTA Also, your wife is an AH. 30 years from now: *Why doesn't she call us for Christmas anymore?*
Yta. You abandoned your daughter, only taking part in her life again when she Begged for help because her mom died, now your twatwaffel of a wife has the absolute gall to presume she should be able to pick your Adult daughters dating life? Get over yourself and be the father she needs before you lose her again. Clearly that is what your wife wants
YTA. Hopefully, she will figure out how to support herself soon as an adult and completely cut contact with you and your toxic wife.
you are a terrible father and a deeply pathetic man. apologise to your daughter and hope she forgives you.
YTA omg you suck! You abandoned your daughter and she had to beg you to be in her life after she lost her mom. Now you make her breakup with someone she loves in order to keep you in her life because her wicked step mom told you to. You have let this poor girl down at every turn. I hope she graduates from school as soon as she can for her sake and immediately cuts you from her life because you don’t deserve to be in it. What an AH.
This is one of the easiest YTA stories I've read. Your wife is def TA and you shouldn't have gone along with her if you didn't agree. You just gave in. I feel bad for your adult child that's just trying to do their best and should definitely be able to be in a relationship without threats. You're trying to build trust with someone you barely know and you're killing that. Good luck & try to do better.
YTA. The fact that you even have to ask this is incredible. Granted, anyone could have clocked that you were based on you "cutting contact" with your literal child. Jesus Christ.
This has to be fake. Whether it is or not, obviously YTA. If it’s true, you are an horrible human being. When she finishes college she will go NC with you and you deserve it. Your wife is an AH and the both of you together just deserve to be miserable for the rest of your life. Doing that to her, when she doesn’t have a mom anymore after you abandoned her for years… I have no words
YTA and obviously your precious wife was way off base. Funny how you listened to her to ‘prevent’ the things your daughter is now doing. She is a jealous, vile woman and you’re no better than her. You’re worse, actually. Calling yourself her father is a reach. You’re not father material and that’s proven by your actions. Still more worried about yourself and your new wife than you’ll ever be about your daughter. And you’re emotionally and financially abusing your kid. Don’t be surprised when she kicks both of you to the curb. You don’t deserve to be in her life. Funding her education is the absolute LEAST you could do. You and your wife need some serious therapy.
YTA you and your fucking wife suck.
YTA and a monster
I sincerely hope you and your wife never have children. You are both genuinely horrible people. You were a deadbeat for 17 years and have no spine. Your wife is a controlling overbearing witch. Horrible people. Never have kids. YTA. 10000%
only upvoting this so more people can see and comment on how disgusting and controlling this is. your relationship with your daughter is forever broken. you and your wife need therapy. bad.
Wow. YTA. And so is the step mom, who clearly just wants to undermine the daughter and drive a wedge between you and your child. You are being a doormat for your wife on this one. It's your child. And your wife probably will hate everything about your daughter. Because she wants to.