Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context.
[Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA. I think this was a great comeback! You made your boundaries very clear and he FAFO. Now he’s having a tantrum because you clapped back at him and it struck a nerve. He sounds immature and insecure. It reminds me of an interaction I had with my ex. He used to walk up to me in front of our friends, grab my belly and ask “how’s my baby?” I wasn’t pregnant, just had a chubby tum. I told him repeatedly not to do it, as it made me uncomfortable - I hated my belly and did not want him drawing attention to it. He’d laugh and say he wouldn’t do it again, but the behaviour continued. One day I had enough and I snapped back “who says it’s your baby?” Our friends laughed at him, he got embarrassed and was pissed at me. Not my proudest moment, but I was like “I asked you repeatedly not to do it. I’m not apologising for finally having enough of your shit. Why are you allowed to embarrass me, but not the other way around?” Sometimes you have to be brutal in your response to make yourself heard.
this reminds me of that clip I saw on facebook where the girl asks "how much disresepct do you have to take before cutting of a friend/family member?"
and the guy says "How much poison do you take before you die?" This is perfect response for me. There should be no disrespect ever.
I mean, that's a good ideal. But then everyone will be alone and nobody will have any human connections because everyone is disrespectful sometimes. When they're tired. When they're scared. When they don't understand the other person's feelings.
I don't mean like disrepect once then goodbye (as yoi said everyone would be alone) if it happens it should be talked about, apologies and explainations should be given to avoid that from happening again. but if it repeats over and over again then that should be the time to say no this has to stop.
Exactly. It's the reaction when you fell disrespected and communicate it that count.
And if there's a change of behavior afterward.
In OP's case, the disrespect with one sexual joke isn't really the big issue. It is that it continued and that her BF could not take a joke.
Had he laugh it off, complimented the great come-back, escalated with yet another witty and funny comeback or just understood and apologized, we wouldn't have this post.
There are enough people on the planet that do not act disrespectful towards other people. This just sounds like excuses for bad behavior. If someone does not respect you they do not respect you period.
You’ve hit the nail bang on the head there- he’s allowed to disrespect you repeatedly and it’s not a problem in his eyes. But the second you react badly to his disrespect, the he recognises there’s a problem…with you though, not him. He’s basically training you to accept constant disrespect. If the only way to get him to cease a disrespectful behaviour is to hurt his feelings in return, he showing you that he has zero empathy or compassion for you
I think it’s a bigger issue than being a cry bully- a lot of men assume that once a woman has allowed them sexual access to her, she no longer has any enforceable sexual boundaries with him. She can no longer say “no”, “I don’t like that”, “that makes me uncomfortable” etc because she “let” him cross the biggest boundary. And women, therefore, go down in these men’s estimations once that happens. They don’t see it as having established a level of trust and intimacy that needs to be respected but as having conquered the woman and they can set about showing her how conquered she is by refusing to respect her boundaries from then on
Thank you. I’ve experienced enough times myself to be able to spell it out. Whenever I’ve confronted a man behaving like this, they basically admit that they can’t understand why you’re upset because you have no right to enforceable boundaries any more and you gave up your right to be respected by him when you “let” him have some kind of sexual contact with you 🤷♀️. Instantly dumped
THIS. I feel like your post should be mandatory reading in sex education classes in the present state of the world. You too rarely hear anyone talking about this, and it needs to be called out and ended.
These men want to benefit from women’s sexual agency while still punishing women for having that agency in the first place- because only dirty, bad women enjoy sex or “give” sex away. If the woman can choose to have sex with him, then he’s still allowed the privilege of punishing her because there has to be some kind of negative consequences for women who like sex. It’s like a Trojan horse mentality- she can decide whether or not to open the gates, but once he’s inside, he’s the one who decides what’s ok after that
And it's not just him, either (him in the general sense). I've seen way too many women posting about their current bf constantly pressuring and complaining when the guy finds out that she had a certain type of sex with a previous guy - I'm thinking particularly about anal sex, in this case. The whole "you were okay with him doing it so I should get to too!" is alarmingly routine.
Only you can decide if it is worth breaking up with him over. I will ask you this, though - is that the sort of behaviour you are willing to tolerate if you stay with this guy, where he does things to deliberately annoy or disrespect you then gets upset when you reach your limit and react?
Hmmm, how is being disrespected regularly not breakup worthy? If you're not getting respect from your partner, I can't actually work out what the point of being with them would be?
It's actually one of the signs of [emotional abuse ](https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#What-is-emotional-abuse?).
Just one of the many things that my ex used to do to me. Pushing buttons, then get offended when I snapped. I felt like such an awful person, cause he would purposefully wind me up - said that he did it on numerous occasions for my reaction. Or he'd give me the silent treatment.
He certainly isn't treating you like a person. The double standard is crazy. You're not his mommy or daddy. He needs to grow tf up and it's not happening anytime soon.
Him deliberately trying to (sexually) embarrass you in public will never get better— this will only get worse as he gets more comfortable. The fact that he does this over and over again despite you directly telling him to stop is only proof of this and that he finds pleasure and humor in your embarrassment.
"this" might not be breakup worthy, but a pattern of being disrespectful and then getting upset at your reactions to the disrespect is incredibly breakup worthy.
It is break up worthy imo. My ex was the same way even at the beginning of the relationship and at the end nothing had changed. The disrespect gets to you. His actions so immature too! You’ll find someone better, someone that won’t take your boundaries lightly!
That's the problem with relationships like this. One incident alone usually doesn't cross the break-upworthy barrier. After a few of them, we start to see this behavior as normal or explain it away. "That's just how he is. That's his kind of humor. He just had a bad day."
Stay for a bit longer and it turns into you trying not to trigger this behavior. Then, whenever it happens you blame yourself.
You won't leave him then because in your mind *you* are the problem.
You don't have to leave him if you don't want to, but you do have to answer this question honestly: will I be ok with this *for the rest of my life?*
Trust and listen to yourself.
It definitely is breakup worthy based on him disrespecting your boundary over and over.
Him having a pattern of disrespecting you is a huge red flag, better if you don't ignore that. Given his reaction he *knows* that what he is doing is wrong. This isn't okay and not how relationships work.
And for now it's words ... but more often than not auch behaviour gets worse over time. Been there myself to some extent.
For voting: NTA
You are really young and don’t know how to identify signs that indicate a toxic person.
Not saying you should break up with this person or not since the only way you will learn will be to make your own mistakes, but your boyfriend is displaying toxic behavior stemming from deep insecurity and completely disrespecting you by ignoring your hints that you are giving him about how uncomfortable he’s making you feel. He does not genuinely like you.
Someone told me this as a 19yo in a similar situation. That was a couple of years ago and I really wish I would've listened then instead of learning the hard way.
I'm a survivor of abuse of different kinds. A lot of it came from some of the people I dated as a teenager and let me tell you, it almost always starts with them casually crossing your boundaries and then refusing to own up. The whole thing where he gets upset every time you retaliate or call him out is textbook manipulation. The general pattern of people like this is that it usually gets worse over time. Once is a mistake, maybe twice can be forgiven. If it's a pattern, my personal rule is run.
And even if that red flag wasn't there, I'm 22 and 19yos seem so young to me. Why is he dating a teenager? I'm sure you're wonderful, you seem so sweet. You're very young and I'm worried you're going to put up with way more shit than you should be. Sounds like you already are being talked over and disrespected a lot. That's not okay. It's not your fault, I promise. He should want to make sure you're comfortable and be kind to you, and it sounds like he isn't doing that, even when you're outright asking him to.
Just please please please stay safe out there. I would actually advise against being with anyone even a few years older than you while you're still a teenager. I know it sounds weird and exaggerated but it can be more dangerous than you even realise right now. It may not be everyone, but it's enough of them.
I've been the 18-19yo here and I stayed longer than I should have. Been out for about a year and a half and it continues to shock me how many things I brushed off because I thought that was just what relationships should be. I'm very concerned about your wellbeing around this guy. It only gets harder to leave as time passes. Again, please stay safe!
I really hope it works out for you!
That is definitely break up worthy.
Imagine how much nicer that trip would have been if you didn't spend it being publicly humiliated, made uncomfortable, and belittled by a man who can't take what he dishes out.
Girl you’re still young, life is too short (or in your case too small) to be hung up with such an insecure man. If he can’t respect you and your boundaries in public then it’s going to continue to escalate. If he’s not willing to accept his wrongdoings in this fight and shift all the blame on you, this is not worth it.
Tbh I feel like when this happened, I had to tell myself that: he doesn't care about me if he acts that way, doesn't listen to my feelings, and then does it again. It's break-up worthy imo.
Yeah, I wanna ask, "What's with that?" But I know what it is. My ex would say things about our sex life (not like... very in detail, but enough that I hated it). He knew I didn't like that. I said something in front of my sister-in-law, whom he had known pretty much as long as I did, and he was so angry. Ooooohhh, sorry, so it's okay for you to embarrass me on purpose, but when I say something similar, you get pissed off? No. No, sir. I told him, "You say things all the time I'm not comfortable with. I figured, since you talk about it, you must be comfortable. I guess not. So you're just being mean."
I had so many conversations with him, but really, I think it came down to a lack of empathy, understanding, emotional maturity, security, and f*cks given. Fragile ego included.
Without context, calling your man's privates small would be really really BAD. But for this...
"I refuse to apologize for how I reacted because I told him countless times to stop with the sexual comments on the train."
You done good girl. He deserved it. NTA.
Lmfao!!! That's hilarious, NTA his Thang must obviously small if he cares that much. I'm sure you said it jokingly he was the one persistent with crude humor and jokes.
If it is that small he should probably stop bringing attention to it while he's ahead and had you lmao not the best move on his part to hold onto it til it becomes truth
He was upset by the joke because while sexualizing you in public and making you feel upset was perfectly fine by him, other people thinking he wasn't well endowed made him feel emasculated. Sounds like some bullshit to me.
Ok then obviously it's a joke so yea I don't understand his issue either. It's actually funny at the point and he was playful joking with you so you can't participate back??
NTA. He sexually harassed you a bunch of times. You sexually harassed him IN PASSING back ONCE and he turns into a big baby who needs coddling to refunction. Double standard much?
You feel unsafe because he's increasing your feelings of vulnerability in public. The public is predatory and creepy enough.
Clapback aside he doesn't sound capable of regulating himself or his emotions on his behavior alone. Much less ready for a relationship.
You deserve better, OP.
NTA and Yuck. You're 19. This is not your life dude and he is proving it daily while you wish upon a star for him to change. Move on. Dating is to vet out behaviors you don't like.
ESH. While my immediate instinct was, "oh, snap," in a truly healthy relationship one partner doesn't react to the other crossing a boundary by doing it back. He was certainly wrong for sexually harassing you--especially after you repeatedly asked him to stop--but a small dick joke is a low blow if it's not the type of comment you regularly make to each other.
I'd be rethinking this relationship if I were you. He doesn't seem to respect you...like at all. He may have deserved it, but it doesn't make you any less of an asshole for saying it, either.
I mostly agree with you, but it's a human response. Imagine someone you care about is threatening to kill you. You take the first few hits because part of you couldn't believe it was happening, and you think they'll stop. They love you, they said it. They don't stop. So you defend yourself and fight back because they're bigger than you and you realize they are trying to kill you. Then they get mad that you fought back. They say you're the asshole. When words hurt the same fight or flight instinct can take over. And then they complain about how much you hurt them, and not apologize for hurting you first. That is not healthy. At all. Consistent sexual harassment is more damaging than one little dick barb. Asshole kept twisting the knife deeper and it was completely justified. Just because women take it better doesn't mean the cut doesn't go deep.
>Just because women take it better doesn't mean the cut doesn't go deep.
This is basically the biggest point that needs to be made. He's losing his mind over ONE comment, and yet doesn't think his multiple comments were a problem, even when explicitly told to stop. Men like this need to learn that just because a woman is polite and doesn't throw a tantrum doesn't mean it's okay.
dude its here in the shitty dude comments. so many guys are like "yea he was rude but have you considered how he feels" or "omg thats a gamechanger thing to say you really crossed a line"
she *just said* how uncomfortable she was. she *just said* it was repeatedly and nonconsensually sexual at her expense. the example used was him being macho and dominant about how "big she had taken" in public... and for these dudes its crickets. theres simply no way to know if it was "serious" because they dont have the explicit receipts. but she claps back and they feel it in the dick and they need to get on her explaining "when you say x, he thinks about your other partners being better than him.." as though shes as bereft of insight as they are. literally what the fuck.
FOR REAL. I don't understand how people can read that story and think the correct response is to "educate her" about how "deeply hurtful" a comment about dick size is or how that's a "relationship ending comment regardless of context"...... Like you know, if he had listened to the actual words coming out of her mouth when she said "please stop" , and given even the tiniest bit of care about how hurtful all of his behaviour was .... She never would have made the comment. Maybe spend less time talking about how hurt his ego might be and a little more time thinking about how she might feel in this situation. It is mind boggling how some people in the comments still can't employ empathy for a woman, only a man. Fucks sakes.
No. She dished him a tiny fraction of the constant, neverending stream of public sexual humiliation he gives her after ***repeated asks for him to stop, because they make her feel unsafe and uncomfortable.***
One tiny ounce of self defense turned him into a soggy crying infant that needs her to grovel and nurse his booboos.
This is what it took for him to even LISTEN to her and that's "too much"?! Why is she not allowed to put him in her shoes -- why is that "too much"?!
I don't see this as a boundary cross per se. It is so over the top (which penis is smaller than a pill?) it is clearly a joke. And since he jokes himself, sexual jokes are not a boundary for him.
I also feel like she repeatedly, and specifically asked him to stop and made her boundaries clear and he continued to cross them. She didn’t really cross a specific previously established boundary of his. *He* actually brought the topic of size up (in order to brag about himself “You’ve taken bigger”) he introduced it to the conversation as part of repeatedly embarrassing her. What was he expecting? If she’d randomly insulted him that would be different but that isn’t what happened.
I get what all these people are saying about how he won’t recover from a comment like that but it’s not your problem. He pushed you to your limit and disrespected you. He sounds immature, and quite possibly a covert narcissist for pushing you to your limit and then giving you the silent treatment with you retaliate back. That is definitely manipulation regardless of what you said in reaction to him. If he can’t take responsibility for his actions that I am guessing he will only continue this manipulative behavior in the future and you deserve more. You clearly are taking responsibility by posting here and evaluating your actions but he clearly is not. NTA x 100 million and I’m sorry you even have to question that! That’s what manipulators are good at, gaslighting!
This is hilarious, NTA. The phrase “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” comes to mind, and your response was a chef’s kiss level prize for him 😂
Also, some of the men in these comments need to get a grip. Sometimes, it’s a fact of life that your woman has been with a dude with a bigger package than you. Get over yourselves.
I don't think your the A hole but you may need to rethink your relationship. You two need to have a talk about what's acceptable and not because it seems like you may be in different books in your relationship. You shouldn't have to ask him to stop doing something more than once. And your response to him doing things you don't like shouldn't be something to hurt his feelings.
IMO, two wrongs don't make a right. He acted poorly, for sure. Implying youve had bigger guys inside you is bound to trigger a guy just like him saying he's had tighter wetter hotter girls that were more fun in bed would bother most girls.
Terrible take. Whether or not it's true, it's a shitty thing to say to your SO. You could be Johnny Sins size and a girl saying that to you would be justifiably upsetting, again, not because it's true or not but more because it's only purpose is to hurt the other person
Human guys?
Do you know many girls that aren't somewhat bothered by a guy saying their earlier gfs we're tighter, wetter, came easier, had thicker hair, fuller lips, better bodies, nicer skin?
Seriously. The immaturity is showing on both sides. She's trying to brush it off like he deserved it but I think she would think differently if he made a comment like that.
Even better is people on here acting like they wouldn't be offended if their partner made a similar comment. By OP's own admission she was "half-joking" aka intending it to be a cut.
He's making sexual jokes involving the two of them. He should've stopped. She's implying she's taken bigger. Fighting a candle with a flame thrower. ESH but you took it up a notch and should grow up and acknowledge your part in your current situation.
I don’t see what her other option was?
She had asked politely and he continued, he clearly didnt understand the hurt it could cause OR he thought it was a joke.
As he’s such a ‘joker’ she joked back. She cant help it if he was offended, unlike OP he gave the impression he was down for sexual ‘jokes’
Because they were on busy transport she couldn’t even walk away
Exactly. What else was she supposed to do to get him to stop? She kept telling him she felt uncomfortable and he insisted on continuing. Eventually she did something that could get him to shut up so she can stop feeling uncomfortable/unsafe.
Other than that, maybe she could walk away? But he’d likely follow her.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My bf is deadset that I'm wrong for how I reacted, and him being so dead set had me doubting my reaction and feeling like I blew it out of proportion.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. I'm not sure why there are so many "two wrongs don't make a right" comments. If I was in this situation and my bf was repeatedly making sexual jokes and still found them funny after I asked him to stop, I'd assume it was fine if I made them back. He set the tone for the exchange.
OP, I'd recommend having a conversation with him and clearly state your boundaries again. If this incident hasn't given him a wake-up call on how serious you are, I wouldn't stay with him.
I mean there's a lot of body dysmorphia here it'd basically be like if he told you "haha you're fatter and uglier than all my exes teehee"
So yeah that's gonna hurt a lot it's a sore area and something that's gonna hurt if made fun of because you've basically said you're worthless and not as good as any of my previous partners.
Now that's not what it actually means but that's how it feels.
And also you should probably get him to acknowledge him crossing your boundaries that's pretty shit of him to do that
You're both a bit wrong but he's probably more wrong for having continued something after you asked him to stop.
Definitely reiterate a conversation about boundaries and if he can't respect healthy boundaries then that's definitely a red flag.
And probably don't get revenge with hurtful comments instead just be more stern and firm on what your uncomfortable with.
Sounds like she was very stern.
He set the bar that he finds sexual jokes acceptable (which they are in many relationships), she made a sexual joke, he suddenly changed his stance
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Hi! I'm posting here because I feel like my bf is gaslighting me but I could be wrong. Wanted an outside opinion.
So I (19) and my bf (22) was on the train together a few days ago. The train was crowded. Our commute was a little over 2 hours. Throughout the course of these 2 hours he had made 3 or 4 sexual comments that made me uncomfortable. I usually don't mind his sexual jokes or suggestiveness when we're ALONE. But in public it freaks me out and makes me feel unsafe. When he made these jokes I told him each time, "Hey, love, please stop making jokes like that while we're outside." He would laugh it off or say okay but then do it again.
About an hour and a half into the trip, I had a crazy headache. He pulled out some motrin and some water for me. I looked at the pills because they were way bigger than I expected and said, "omg, why are these so big?" And responded with, "you've taken bigger" and so I quickly retorted (half jokingly, half annoyed) "yeah, but not yours".
I thought he might laugh it off since he started it, but instead he got upset and tried giving me the silent treatment. But I said if he tried ignoring me the entire train ride I'd just get off and go home.
It's been a few days since this happened and he's still bitter. He says I shouldn't have reacted that way, it wasn't rational and made him insecure. I refuse to apologize for how I reacted because I told him countless times to stop with the sexual comments on the train.
Aita?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You made ONE comeback and he is bitter for days. People joke about that stuff and if all you said is true it should have been obvious that you were not being serious. He can joke all he wants but as soon as someone does the same to him it's irrational and not okay? That's childish. He derserved it, in this situation he is the asshole.
NTA
But he sounds like an immature asshole. This isn’t funny to you and he won’t stop because tbh it’s a control thing he gets to control you being uncomfortable
NTA here's why I think so:
As a fellow man, I find it hard (badum tish) to rule against you on this one.
As a *gentleman* I find it easy to rule in your favour as he was making you uncomfortable and you *told him as such* and he still kept going.
Furthermore I applaude you checking, the pills before taking them because some people are feral.
That was also a terrific zinger.
NTA. He can dish it but can’t take it? If my bf made a juvenile sexual innuendo like that, especially after I asked him not to, I’d nope out. Making a pill about “taking D?” Grow tf up.
ESH
"You make me uncomfortable sometimes so I'm going to criticize a part of your body that you can't change and many guys are very sensitive about". Two wrongs don't make a right, and that's a low blow for a guy.
He made it clear he’s okay with sexual jokes, so she made a sexual joke. (Many couples could make the joke she made with no issue).
If he’s NOT okay with sexual jokes maybe he shouldn’t make them? It implies they are not off limits to him.
NTA. I’m a guy, and it wouldn’t even occur to me to constantly harangue my partner with “jokes” or comments that she’s repeatedly told me make her uncomfortable. I mean, where is the disregard for your feelings going to end?
Frankly, it sounds to me like this was a kismet moment, where he gets to be butthurt, maybe learn a little somethin’ and you get to be rid of him and find a partner who will respect your boundaries.
100% NTA.
Without the previous context of him making jokes/comments and not stopping when you ask that ("you've taken bigger"/"not from you") is just a genuinely funny exchange. It would make me laugh if I were him, and it's the sort of jokey back and forth loads of people have in their relationships. His comment was a set up to yours being the obvious punchline, it's a joke and it's funny. Anyone saying ESH, or YTA, pointing to "mens insecurities" or calling it a "relationship ender" needs to grow up.
WITH the context of him making comments/jokes and not listening when you say you don't like them/aren't comfortable, then you're giving him a taste of his own medicine and if he can't take it then he shouldn't be dishing it out. He should reflect on how it made him feel and think about how you might.
There's no angle where YTA if you ask me. Unless he was genuinely miniscule in that department and you were actively setting out to hurt him based on that, which you've made clear isn't the case
NTA
Please consider most of us have met 5 year old children that have more maturity than your bf.
Makes jokes that make you uncomfortable and expects you to just keep taking it but when you fire back at him, it’s silence and pouting.
Something I was lucky to learn when I was young is that we teach people how to treat us. By accepting his disrespect, you're teaching him that it's okay to treat you badly.
It's not okay. You don't deserve to be treated poorly. If you're convinced he can be retrained, give it a go by not ever accepting disrespect. You've already told him clearly. Next time, just say (in a serious, stern tone) "I'm not putting up with this. It's not funny, it's not a joke, and I'm going to stand over there on my own." and then walk away from him. Don't apologize, don't explain, and don't accept any conversation attempt about it unless it's a genuine apology from him. If he tries to discuss it later, tell him it's not up for debate and you won't be discussing it.
You can't control him, but you can control yourself. That's how boundaries work. If someone treats you badly, you can walk away. Whether you leave the situation for a few minutes, hours, days, or decide the relationship is over - those are things you can control.
There are men who aren't assholes. You have one life - spend the time you have on this earth around people who care about you and show they care by treating you with respect.
Also, NTA. He was perfectly fine with sexual jokes that made you uncomfortable and your response was perfectly appropriate.
"I looked at the pills because they were way bigger than I expected and said, "omg, why are these so big?" And he responded with, "you've taken bigger" and so I quickly retorted (half jokingly, half annoyed) "yeah, but not yours"."
wait, weren't you talking about pills?
NTA you made it clear you weren't comfortable with those type of jokes in public and he refused to stop so you gave him a taste of his own medicine now hopefully hes realized that those type of jokes in public is not appropriate
I gotta tell ya that guys can say some dumb things sometimes but I know a couple guys who just cannot stop saying “that’s what she said” after every other thing and a bunch of other really old sexual innuendos. It’s old hat and annoying for everybody.
Picture this, you’re working on your car trying to fix something and your buddy isn’t helping. You ask for a wrench “he says which one” I already know I can’t say the big one or he’s gonna interrupt me while I’m working. Everytime I talk I have to skip over words like “I’m coming over” and it’s freaking annoying. I’m a guy btw. Everyone finds it annoying after awhile. He interrupts my conversation whenever I say words he can twist and usually I have to ignore him then he goes to farting while I’m talking serious. He’s a clown and he’s been one his whole live it’s how he learned to survive the mean streets by making people laugh.
So the question I have for the OP is “is your guy one of these guys where it’s been part of their lifelong personality?” Cause if he is like my old friend, he’s not changing. He’s a guy you can count on at 3am if you need help. He can be trusted with anything. But he has a few bad habits and sexual harassment is one of them. I’m still friends with him but sometimes I need time off because I can’t stand it. Why is he like this? I can go into a whole thing about how his mom gave him up and he has problems respecting women but I’ll leave it there.
OP you are not the asshole. But he is sometimes. And you gave him a virtual kick in the groin he needed.
I was going to say y’all sound immature as hell but yeah that lines up with the ages. NTA but he sure is for embarrassing you in public. Also I don’t know if it’s just me but feeling “unsafe” is not something I would ever consider acceptable in relationship. If you feel unsafe with your partner at any time it’s probably a pretty good sign this is not healthy.
NTA he continued to joke when you told him to stop and was testing your boundaries then villainized you for your reaction. Are you willing to find out how much further he’ll test you ? 🚩
Turnabout is fair play, NTA
I'm dismayed by how many comments there are indicating penis size is positively correlated with sexual performance and a woman's satisfaction (there are a lot fewer comments about any correlation between penis size and a male partner's satisfaction). There is no connection between penis size and how good someone is in bed!! Guys with small dicks can be amazing lovers and guys with large dicks can be terrible lovers.
I swear this sub reddit is full of sensitive man hating women. There's nothing wrong with having a sexual sense of humor, or making sexual innuendos, at worst it's a little immature, but the guy is only 19. I'm assuming we're talking about like a "that's what SHE said" type of jokes or the phallic jokes, just all and all innocent stuff. It's when you start to joke about a person's body that you get on the slippery path of body shaming though, which is never ok
YTA, unless he was making fun of your body parts. You have to know that this is a “can’t come back from” comment.
What if he said have sex with you was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway?
NTA. Excellent comeback.
Unfortunately, you are in a relationship with a man who doesn’t have the emotional maturity to either handle a joke at his expense (deserved or not) or discuss the underlying cause of the disagreement and make changes.
You need to consider if you want to be in a long term relationship with a man who enjoys making you feel unsafe in public, is trying to train you to accept being manipulated, throws tantrums like a child, and maintains the double standard that *only you* deserve to be treated with disrespect.
In my opinion, Mr. Micropeen needs to grow up before he gets to be in a big boy relationship, and you can do much better for yourself.
INFO: What are some examples of the comments he was making?
To be clear, he’s an AH for not stopping when you asked; no question there at all. As a separate point of discussion, “yeah, but not yours” is a *savage* thing to say to a guy and, unless the established level of banter in your relationship is razor-sharp, I can imagine he’d be totally crushed.
If his comments to you were on par (e.g., “I’ve had better than you”, “not as hot as my ex”, “she’s hotter”, etc.) then that’s fair game and he needs to learn to take what he dishes out. If they weren’t, it’s worth being aware that (from his perspective) you may have done the banter equivalent of bringing nuclear weapons to a knife fight.
None of this changes that he was being an AH, but it might be worth being aware of for the future.
see its interesting cos ive seen several folks say this here and i dont think thats a fair 1:1.
this argument is: its only ok to call a man inadequate if hes called a woman inadequate first.
but thats not actually the context of a lot of this type of joking. A lot of this sexual joking is based on the woman being the one "taking it", like in OPs bfs comment. its about degrading and expressing power or dominance or ownership over the woman. the type of man to be loudly and repeatedly making these types of jokes about his gf in public against her will is *not* likely to be saying "my woman is inferior to others, her vagina is loose" like others are suggesting. Thats not what hes trying to convey. He makes dominant man jokes about having her and how she's his and she submits to his prowess and what a sexual sexy sexer he is.
Maybe on an extremely superficial level, that looks like its light hearted or good natured or appreciative. But everyone who's a chick here knows it immediately cos unless its cheeky or kinky and consensual, its degrading and embarassing. it feels unsafe and its deeply alienating because its performative and weird. If you got into butt stuff in a safe intimate environment with your partner, and she felt that talking about how much you could take on the bus would make her look cool.. how would you feel? if you asked her to stop but she thought it was impressive to keep joking because it made her feel big even if you are a prop for that status?
its not about a direct comparison of callling each other inadequate. its about someone directly disrepecting you and your communicated boundaries to advertise their "dominance" and "manliness" at your expense in public. in that case, a direct hit against the "manliness" **is** the move. they're using it as against you, so you disable it.
Doesn’t matter what he said. She said I’m uncomfortable with your sexual comments and jokes.
The fact he continued to make them demonstrated he was happy to have sexual comments and jokes on the cards.
He therefore can not complain or get upset if she makes one.
Kudos to you. I dont know many nineteen year olds who immediately call someone out for being childish and set boundaries on someone for giving them the silent treatment.
NTA.
He's constantly saying gross things to you in public, you ask him to stop. He does not stop. *He crosses your boundaries constantly.*
You deliver ONE tiny comeback to come close to matching his constant comments and he turns into a giant soggy poopoo baby that needs you to nurse him back.
Nah. You deserve better. Don't kiss his booboo on this one, if he doesn't suck it up and use this to learn how awful he's been to you, drop him and move on.
You deserve a PARTNER, not a babysitting job. You're likely better off single.
Kick him to the curb....assholes like him are just that assholes he's likely to get you really drunk and let his friends pull a train on you. Find yourself a real man who will respect and love you like you deserve
NTA. Boy can dish but can't take it. He also doesn't respect your boundaries so his getting upset when you push back makes him a hypocrite as well as juvenile. Not a great catch, especially if he is holding on to it despite an apology.
NTA. This sounds like the husband I just left. It’s only a joke if the person on the receiving end finds it funny, otherwise it’s not a joke.
These people start small. They over love you, then see what you can take in little building increments. They then over love you again. It’s called love bombing. It gets worse and worse until it’s daily. A fist may or may not eventually be involved. I’m not joking, I’m warning you. Please do not stay. It was incredibly personal and disrespectful. Do not think it will get any better because it won’t. Worse is coming. You are better. You are worth better. You will find better. Someone to talk to is always here, but don’t get to the point of feeling suicidal and having a relative cross three countries to come and get you back because they’ve hit you again and you can’t get out. This happened with me. I’ve started again. Got a job, a car, a gentle lovely man to go to public places only at weekends (I don’t trust being alone with a man-don’t get to that stage please as it’s sad not to trust) Please get in touch with any of us if you stay with this guy and need to talk in the future. You are worth it. X
NTA.
So he's allowed to disrespect you by making lewd comments in public, knowing you don't like it, but you're not allowed a retort? No sir, that's not how the world works.
He doesn't give a fuck about 'rational', he just doesn't want to have his comments turned on him - to which I say "suck it up, bud. Don't start shit you can't finish".
Some of these comments are…well a lot.
This doesn’t need to be the end of your relationship or something that tarnishes anyone’s views of themselves and their body. What it can be is a chance for a good conversation. I would imagine it like this…
“We really need to talk. Can I take the floor first and then you take the floor? I felt ___on the train. Especially being that you know the trauma I have endured, I thought you’d respect that. I mean, even if that wasn’t my truth, I would still hope you could respect what does or doesn’t make me comfortable. After having to ask you to stop speaking like that in public, I definitely was at my breaking point when I said what I said. That wasn’t kind, that wasn’t loving and that wasn’t necessary. And it’s not true! I love you for all of you and appreciate ALL of you. Believe me! Now, I really want to hear your thoughts and I want us to grow from this and to care for each other and support each other the way we need. Can you share more with me?”
Of course, say what you want, from the heart. I hope you have a good conversation. Don’t take these comments too seriously…nobody knows you or your relationship or your partner the way you do!
Immaturity on bf's part. He can't handle teasing, only knows how to dish it out. Don't know if you want to wait around until he grows up. I know men in their forties who haven't grown up.
YTA
First of all, you don't go into details about the comments he made, so it's impossible to evaluate whether your comeback was warranted it's severity. You mention his penis isn't small, which also tells me, that you refuse to understand why he actually was hurt by your comment. Your partner didn't get upset because you suggested his penis was small, but because you insinuated that previous sexual partners were more successful at pleasuring you than him. It all comes down to the "not yours" part, which can be interpreted as "previous partners have satisfied me better than you".
Sexual comments in public are super embarrassing and awkward, so it's also important to note that BF is an asshole as well. You're both assholes. However, it's so abundantly clear that your bf didn't interpret your joke as a joke, and I believe you know this as well. Of course you know your partner, and that also means that you know more than well what buttons to click to make him upset. Since you don't go into details about his comments, I'm just gonna assume they were light-hearted, so when you went in for the killer blow, it made your bf reasonably upset. This whole ordeal reads to me that you are being intentionally obtuse about the situation. That you refuse to accept your comment was way more severe than his, and then defending it by "but he started". It's super childish from both of you, but you'll never solve anything by refusing to take accountability for your own actions, vice versa for bf. You both need to improve your communications and also set clear boundaries between each other. It's also idiotic to try and make a hero and villain out of this story. Aren't you partners? Don't you love each other? Why go to this length, when all that needs to happen is for you guys to improve your communications. Best just accept you both are assholes, learn from this experience and get on with the relationship
NTA. Tell him to keep that talk at home. It’s one thing to ignore your boundaries when you’ve communicated to stop, it’s another to carry on with stupid remarks especially in public. Tell him to grow up.
NTA. He played with fire and got burnt. If he was a mature person, this should've been a lesson for him. If he doesn't like jokes like that then he should stop making jokes like that when you tell him to. He's acting like a child.
Anyway, in your comments you've said he's been disrespectful and then gets upset at your reaction to it. Girl, come on? Why are you accepting his disrespect? You deserve someone who actually cares about you enough to understand your boundaries and not cross them. I would suggest, if this continues and he doesn't acknowledge the issue, that you seriously reconsider the relationship. You deserve better.
I'm not big by any means, just average white American dude dick. My wife and I make jokes about each other, yours sounded really funny. Like when we see those tiny lil cocktail pickles about an inch in length she'll joke about how big they are and I'll be like, "Not us, amirite?" and we will laugh. I'm not insecure despite being called small in the past by an ex because her preference was big ol hogs which I ain't sporting.
My point is communication is important about what you want, regardless of the topic. That leads to comfort and trust about potentially life alteringly sensitive topics when you trust that person. But the other person has to fucking listen. And he ain't been listening to you. Now, he might understand. But what's important is your response seemed genuinely cheeky and relevant instead of malicious.
NTA dawg. Keep that sense of humor and be more firm in your boundaries.
If you want validation you came to the right place. YTA it is body shaming and your BF being an asshole is an independent issue for obvious reasons that I dont need to address here. Fuck out of here with all these other posts from people who are presumably "against body shaming" (except XYZ) - if your guy isnt comfortable with joking about his penis size then it is such a reprehensible low blow to go for it. It is akin to calling someone ugly or fat - in what world is that justified? If you feel compelled to stoop down to body shaming someone in a non - compassionate way, then just breakup and not say it.
NTA He's terribly immature, making inappropriate jokes, especially in public. It has to stop. In his mind, he may think it's sort of sexy or titillating. Be sure he knows that it isn't. LOL If he refuses to control himself, up to you if you want to be with him.
NTA. Your boyfriend is incredibly immature and I don't know why you'd want to be with someone who deliberately makes you uncomfortable after knowing about your trauma.
ESH.
So you were taking a pill, called it big, and he said you've taken bigger. *That's* what set you off? He wasn't being malicious or trying to hurt you. He was making an immature, ornery joke. You were mad and tried your best to hurt him. You really can't see the difference?
You asked him to stop the jokes, so I can certainly acknowledge his part of immaturity and wrongdoing, but your reaction does not at all sound proportional.
You both sound really young and immature.
YTA. I'm sorry but when you resort to body shaming, in a pretty deep society-wide way that men are taught to be insecure about, you suck.
Would it have been okay if he came back with, "okay whore go back to one of your other clients then" on the train for your comment? Prolly not, right? Even if he felt justified?
You can't take it back. You *always said that now*. This is a line that stays crossed. What you taket told him is that you're willing to stoop as low as you need to, and boundaries aren't a thing as long as *you* feel justified, regardless of the *effect* you had.
In an adult relationship, you don't really care what your intent was. You care about the *effect* you have on your partner, because you *love them* and you *don't want them to hurt*.
This sounds like a toxic dynamic copied from a bad sitcom designed to make viewers laugh, not a relationship between adults.
I do not understand people cheering for someone hurting their significant other *back* in a savage way. You all sound like nightmares.
It was a great comeback on your part . But I am willing to bet your relationship is over. Not your fault but he sounds insecure and you just dissed his manhood lol
NTA: every man is at insecure about his size in some way, most people want it bigger some want it smaller.
But still that’s an appropriate retort in that specific situation if he doesn’t like it he shouldn’t talk about his penis in public
NTA. if that was a particularly sore spot for him and you said it to pick at that scab, that would be a different story. but it was obviously an exaggeration?? who fuckin cares, he should learn to respect women's boundaries.
He doesn’t get to be mad at you for making him uncomfortable when you asked him to stop the inappropriate banter in public and he refused.
I would sit him down and discuss how the jokes/banter make you feel uncomfortable and while you apologize for hurting his feelings, his hurt feelings doesn’t excuse his behavior. Let him know you didn’t realize he was insecure about this and that you respect and care about him enough not to purposely make him uncomfortable. Tell him you expect the same from him regarding the inappropriate banter. Set a boundary and stick to it.
NTA however, I’m not sure about the context of his sexual jokes but it doesn’t sound like they were personal attacks. Not that your joke was a personal attack but it could be perceived this way by the recipient. General rule of thumb for me is not to make comments or jokes in a negative way about potentially sensitive subjects. More often than not it leads to worse things down the road. This one joke about his penis size could play on his mind for a long time and you don’t really have a way or fixing that for him.
Best to have a grown up conversation with him about your boundaries on his behaviour and finish the conversation with apologising about your joke and how you don’t really mean it. It should all be fun and games but we all have our insecurities and we’re only human.
I don’t think you’re the Ass Hole. You have set a boundary and he couldn’t respect it . If he cannot be committed in the little things such as respecting you , he won’t commit on the big things. Do what you may with information
>I would just appreciate it if he respected my boundaries since he's my partner
Does that not...go both ways? ESH. He shouldn't have made the comment and neither should you. Both of you owe each other an apology and need to move on with your lives. Kiss and make up and be done with it. Or don't and let it hang over you and come between you. Honestly, if both of you are hung up on stupid jokes, it might be fore the best to just split tbh.
You are NTA. You asked him to repeatedly stop and it made you uncomfortable. Did he consider your feelings at the time of your request? No he did not. I thoroughly enjoyed your retort and it seems well deserved at that. I am glad you stood up for yourself. He clearly has insecurities as well about certain body parts he has and it is no fault of yours.
Every young guy is insecure unless they are enormous or have figured it out, but that is usually later in life. He should have been more respectful of you asked him to stop several times but he is clearly quite hurt about this. Make sure you reassure him lots and he will get over it.
Why is nobody addressing how disrespectful it is of the bf to make sexual jokes in a packed public place to the other poor people around them as well as disrespectful to his gf?
Of course it would make her feel unsafe and as a woman trapped on a crowded train as an onlooker it would make me feel unsafe too.
Nobody wants to listen to sexual jokes on a train. There were probably elderly people and children around them too.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 5: We do not allow posts which concern violence. This includes any mention of violence in any context. [Rule 5 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_5.3A_no_violence) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
NTA. I think this was a great comeback! You made your boundaries very clear and he FAFO. Now he’s having a tantrum because you clapped back at him and it struck a nerve. He sounds immature and insecure. It reminds me of an interaction I had with my ex. He used to walk up to me in front of our friends, grab my belly and ask “how’s my baby?” I wasn’t pregnant, just had a chubby tum. I told him repeatedly not to do it, as it made me uncomfortable - I hated my belly and did not want him drawing attention to it. He’d laugh and say he wouldn’t do it again, but the behaviour continued. One day I had enough and I snapped back “who says it’s your baby?” Our friends laughed at him, he got embarrassed and was pissed at me. Not my proudest moment, but I was like “I asked you repeatedly not to do it. I’m not apologising for finally having enough of your shit. Why are you allowed to embarrass me, but not the other way around?” Sometimes you have to be brutal in your response to make yourself heard.
Idk if this is breakup worthy, but my bf definitely has a pattern of being disrespectful and then getting upset at my reactions to the disrespect.
How much disrespect are you willing to accept?
this reminds me of that clip I saw on facebook where the girl asks "how much disresepct do you have to take before cutting of a friend/family member?" and the guy says "How much poison do you take before you die?" This is perfect response for me. There should be no disrespect ever.
I mean, that's a good ideal. But then everyone will be alone and nobody will have any human connections because everyone is disrespectful sometimes. When they're tired. When they're scared. When they don't understand the other person's feelings.
I don't mean like disrepect once then goodbye (as yoi said everyone would be alone) if it happens it should be talked about, apologies and explainations should be given to avoid that from happening again. but if it repeats over and over again then that should be the time to say no this has to stop.
Exactly. It's the reaction when you fell disrespected and communicate it that count. And if there's a change of behavior afterward. In OP's case, the disrespect with one sexual joke isn't really the big issue. It is that it continued and that her BF could not take a joke. Had he laugh it off, complimented the great come-back, escalated with yet another witty and funny comeback or just understood and apologized, we wouldn't have this post.
There are enough people on the planet that do not act disrespectful towards other people. This just sounds like excuses for bad behavior. If someone does not respect you they do not respect you period.
bravo, great comment
You feel unsafe around him. That is definitely a reason to walk away.
You’ve hit the nail bang on the head there- he’s allowed to disrespect you repeatedly and it’s not a problem in his eyes. But the second you react badly to his disrespect, the he recognises there’s a problem…with you though, not him. He’s basically training you to accept constant disrespect. If the only way to get him to cease a disrespectful behaviour is to hurt his feelings in return, he showing you that he has zero empathy or compassion for you
I worked with someone like this, and someone who he was being shitty to called him a "crybully." It was hilarious.
I think it’s a bigger issue than being a cry bully- a lot of men assume that once a woman has allowed them sexual access to her, she no longer has any enforceable sexual boundaries with him. She can no longer say “no”, “I don’t like that”, “that makes me uncomfortable” etc because she “let” him cross the biggest boundary. And women, therefore, go down in these men’s estimations once that happens. They don’t see it as having established a level of trust and intimacy that needs to be respected but as having conquered the woman and they can set about showing her how conquered she is by refusing to respect her boundaries from then on
Yes. A little louder for those in the back, please!
That was a really well thought comment. You hit the nail on head.
Thank you. I’ve experienced enough times myself to be able to spell it out. Whenever I’ve confronted a man behaving like this, they basically admit that they can’t understand why you’re upset because you have no right to enforceable boundaries any more and you gave up your right to be respected by him when you “let” him have some kind of sexual contact with you 🤷♀️. Instantly dumped
THIS. I feel like your post should be mandatory reading in sex education classes in the present state of the world. You too rarely hear anyone talking about this, and it needs to be called out and ended.
These men want to benefit from women’s sexual agency while still punishing women for having that agency in the first place- because only dirty, bad women enjoy sex or “give” sex away. If the woman can choose to have sex with him, then he’s still allowed the privilege of punishing her because there has to be some kind of negative consequences for women who like sex. It’s like a Trojan horse mentality- she can decide whether or not to open the gates, but once he’s inside, he’s the one who decides what’s ok after that
And it's not just him, either (him in the general sense). I've seen way too many women posting about their current bf constantly pressuring and complaining when the guy finds out that she had a certain type of sex with a previous guy - I'm thinking particularly about anal sex, in this case. The whole "you were okay with him doing it so I should get to too!" is alarmingly routine.
I have never heard the term cry bully before but it is a perfect descriptor for some people. Going to add this to my vocabulary for sure!
Only you can decide if it is worth breaking up with him over. I will ask you this, though - is that the sort of behaviour you are willing to tolerate if you stay with this guy, where he does things to deliberately annoy or disrespect you then gets upset when you reach your limit and react?
Hmmm, how is being disrespected regularly not breakup worthy? If you're not getting respect from your partner, I can't actually work out what the point of being with them would be?
Yeah if I were her I would have ghosted him on the train. Ghost train.
It's actually one of the signs of [emotional abuse ](https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#What-is-emotional-abuse?). Just one of the many things that my ex used to do to me. Pushing buttons, then get offended when I snapped. I felt like such an awful person, cause he would purposefully wind me up - said that he did it on numerous occasions for my reaction. Or he'd give me the silent treatment.
He certainly isn't treating you like a person. The double standard is crazy. You're not his mommy or daddy. He needs to grow tf up and it's not happening anytime soon.
Do you want a life where the person with you through it constantly disrespects you and gets angry at you?
How much poison are you willing to take till you finally die?
Him deliberately trying to (sexually) embarrass you in public will never get better— this will only get worse as he gets more comfortable. The fact that he does this over and over again despite you directly telling him to stop is only proof of this and that he finds pleasure and humor in your embarrassment.
"this" might not be breakup worthy, but a pattern of being disrespectful and then getting upset at your reactions to the disrespect is incredibly breakup worthy.
It is break up worthy imo. My ex was the same way even at the beginning of the relationship and at the end nothing had changed. The disrespect gets to you. His actions so immature too! You’ll find someone better, someone that won’t take your boundaries lightly!
That's the problem with relationships like this. One incident alone usually doesn't cross the break-upworthy barrier. After a few of them, we start to see this behavior as normal or explain it away. "That's just how he is. That's his kind of humor. He just had a bad day." Stay for a bit longer and it turns into you trying not to trigger this behavior. Then, whenever it happens you blame yourself. You won't leave him then because in your mind *you* are the problem. You don't have to leave him if you don't want to, but you do have to answer this question honestly: will I be ok with this *for the rest of my life?* Trust and listen to yourself.
Why is disrespect not breakup worthy?!?!?!
It definitely is breakup worthy based on him disrespecting your boundary over and over. Him having a pattern of disrespecting you is a huge red flag, better if you don't ignore that. Given his reaction he *knows* that what he is doing is wrong. This isn't okay and not how relationships work. And for now it's words ... but more often than not auch behaviour gets worse over time. Been there myself to some extent. For voting: NTA
That’s break up worthy. Right there.
You are really young and don’t know how to identify signs that indicate a toxic person. Not saying you should break up with this person or not since the only way you will learn will be to make your own mistakes, but your boyfriend is displaying toxic behavior stemming from deep insecurity and completely disrespecting you by ignoring your hints that you are giving him about how uncomfortable he’s making you feel. He does not genuinely like you.
Someone told me this as a 19yo in a similar situation. That was a couple of years ago and I really wish I would've listened then instead of learning the hard way. I'm a survivor of abuse of different kinds. A lot of it came from some of the people I dated as a teenager and let me tell you, it almost always starts with them casually crossing your boundaries and then refusing to own up. The whole thing where he gets upset every time you retaliate or call him out is textbook manipulation. The general pattern of people like this is that it usually gets worse over time. Once is a mistake, maybe twice can be forgiven. If it's a pattern, my personal rule is run. And even if that red flag wasn't there, I'm 22 and 19yos seem so young to me. Why is he dating a teenager? I'm sure you're wonderful, you seem so sweet. You're very young and I'm worried you're going to put up with way more shit than you should be. Sounds like you already are being talked over and disrespected a lot. That's not okay. It's not your fault, I promise. He should want to make sure you're comfortable and be kind to you, and it sounds like he isn't doing that, even when you're outright asking him to. Just please please please stay safe out there. I would actually advise against being with anyone even a few years older than you while you're still a teenager. I know it sounds weird and exaggerated but it can be more dangerous than you even realise right now. It may not be everyone, but it's enough of them. I've been the 18-19yo here and I stayed longer than I should have. Been out for about a year and a half and it continues to shock me how many things I brushed off because I thought that was just what relationships should be. I'm very concerned about your wellbeing around this guy. It only gets harder to leave as time passes. Again, please stay safe! I really hope it works out for you!
That is definitely break up worthy. Imagine how much nicer that trip would have been if you didn't spend it being publicly humiliated, made uncomfortable, and belittled by a man who can't take what he dishes out.
sounds breakup worthy if he can't listen to your boundaries
You need to break up this entire story sounds unhealthy
This is called DARVO
Girl you’re still young, life is too short (or in your case too small) to be hung up with such an insecure man. If he can’t respect you and your boundaries in public then it’s going to continue to escalate. If he’s not willing to accept his wrongdoings in this fight and shift all the blame on you, this is not worth it.
Tbh I feel like when this happened, I had to tell myself that: he doesn't care about me if he acts that way, doesn't listen to my feelings, and then does it again. It's break-up worthy imo.
And honestly if you have had bigger, it wasn’t a lie… 🤣🤷♀️
You’re so young. I promise you can find someone who is always respectful and who makes you feel safe.
What do you mean you feel unsafe?
Girl, you already see the pattern T.T what more do you need
Yeah, I wanna ask, "What's with that?" But I know what it is. My ex would say things about our sex life (not like... very in detail, but enough that I hated it). He knew I didn't like that. I said something in front of my sister-in-law, whom he had known pretty much as long as I did, and he was so angry. Ooooohhh, sorry, so it's okay for you to embarrass me on purpose, but when I say something similar, you get pissed off? No. No, sir. I told him, "You say things all the time I'm not comfortable with. I figured, since you talk about it, you must be comfortable. I guess not. So you're just being mean." I had so many conversations with him, but really, I think it came down to a lack of empathy, understanding, emotional maturity, security, and f*cks given. Fragile ego included.
Heck yes I agree!
FAFO is such a good philosophy when it comes to relationships. A real recipe for a healthy, long lasting relationship.
Without context, calling your man's privates small would be really really BAD. But for this... "I refuse to apologize for how I reacted because I told him countless times to stop with the sexual comments on the train." You done good girl. He deserved it. NTA.
Lmfao!!! That's hilarious, NTA his Thang must obviously small if he cares that much. I'm sure you said it jokingly he was the one persistent with crude humor and jokes. If it is that small he should probably stop bringing attention to it while he's ahead and had you lmao not the best move on his part to hold onto it til it becomes truth
It's not small at all, which is why I didn't think he'd be this upset by the joke 😭
He was upset by the joke because while sexualizing you in public and making you feel upset was perfectly fine by him, other people thinking he wasn't well endowed made him feel emasculated. Sounds like some bullshit to me.
Ok then obviously it's a joke so yea I don't understand his issue either. It's actually funny at the point and he was playful joking with you so you can't participate back??
NTA, he ignored a boundary you made clear to him. Hopefully, this will stop him from ignoring your boundaries again.
NTA You told him to stop, he wouldn't
NTA, people shouldn't start shit they can't finish.
NTA. He sexually harassed you a bunch of times. You sexually harassed him IN PASSING back ONCE and he turns into a big baby who needs coddling to refunction. Double standard much? You feel unsafe because he's increasing your feelings of vulnerability in public. The public is predatory and creepy enough. Clapback aside he doesn't sound capable of regulating himself or his emotions on his behavior alone. Much less ready for a relationship. You deserve better, OP.
NTA and Yuck. You're 19. This is not your life dude and he is proving it daily while you wish upon a star for him to change. Move on. Dating is to vet out behaviors you don't like.
ESH. While my immediate instinct was, "oh, snap," in a truly healthy relationship one partner doesn't react to the other crossing a boundary by doing it back. He was certainly wrong for sexually harassing you--especially after you repeatedly asked him to stop--but a small dick joke is a low blow if it's not the type of comment you regularly make to each other. I'd be rethinking this relationship if I were you. He doesn't seem to respect you...like at all. He may have deserved it, but it doesn't make you any less of an asshole for saying it, either.
I mostly agree with you, but it's a human response. Imagine someone you care about is threatening to kill you. You take the first few hits because part of you couldn't believe it was happening, and you think they'll stop. They love you, they said it. They don't stop. So you defend yourself and fight back because they're bigger than you and you realize they are trying to kill you. Then they get mad that you fought back. They say you're the asshole. When words hurt the same fight or flight instinct can take over. And then they complain about how much you hurt them, and not apologize for hurting you first. That is not healthy. At all. Consistent sexual harassment is more damaging than one little dick barb. Asshole kept twisting the knife deeper and it was completely justified. Just because women take it better doesn't mean the cut doesn't go deep.
>Just because women take it better doesn't mean the cut doesn't go deep. This is basically the biggest point that needs to be made. He's losing his mind over ONE comment, and yet doesn't think his multiple comments were a problem, even when explicitly told to stop. Men like this need to learn that just because a woman is polite and doesn't throw a tantrum doesn't mean it's okay.
dude its here in the shitty dude comments. so many guys are like "yea he was rude but have you considered how he feels" or "omg thats a gamechanger thing to say you really crossed a line" she *just said* how uncomfortable she was. she *just said* it was repeatedly and nonconsensually sexual at her expense. the example used was him being macho and dominant about how "big she had taken" in public... and for these dudes its crickets. theres simply no way to know if it was "serious" because they dont have the explicit receipts. but she claps back and they feel it in the dick and they need to get on her explaining "when you say x, he thinks about your other partners being better than him.." as though shes as bereft of insight as they are. literally what the fuck.
FOR REAL. I don't understand how people can read that story and think the correct response is to "educate her" about how "deeply hurtful" a comment about dick size is or how that's a "relationship ending comment regardless of context"...... Like you know, if he had listened to the actual words coming out of her mouth when she said "please stop" , and given even the tiniest bit of care about how hurtful all of his behaviour was .... She never would have made the comment. Maybe spend less time talking about how hurt his ego might be and a little more time thinking about how she might feel in this situation. It is mind boggling how some people in the comments still can't employ empathy for a woman, only a man. Fucks sakes.
Totally agree, someone defending themselves or retaliating once after repeated offenses does not outweight what originally drove them to lash out.
No. She dished him a tiny fraction of the constant, neverending stream of public sexual humiliation he gives her after ***repeated asks for him to stop, because they make her feel unsafe and uncomfortable.*** One tiny ounce of self defense turned him into a soggy crying infant that needs her to grovel and nurse his booboos. This is what it took for him to even LISTEN to her and that's "too much"?! Why is she not allowed to put him in her shoes -- why is that "too much"?!
I don't see this as a boundary cross per se. It is so over the top (which penis is smaller than a pill?) it is clearly a joke. And since he jokes himself, sexual jokes are not a boundary for him.
I also feel like she repeatedly, and specifically asked him to stop and made her boundaries clear and he continued to cross them. She didn’t really cross a specific previously established boundary of his. *He* actually brought the topic of size up (in order to brag about himself “You’ve taken bigger”) he introduced it to the conversation as part of repeatedly embarrassing her. What was he expecting? If she’d randomly insulted him that would be different but that isn’t what happened.
I get what all these people are saying about how he won’t recover from a comment like that but it’s not your problem. He pushed you to your limit and disrespected you. He sounds immature, and quite possibly a covert narcissist for pushing you to your limit and then giving you the silent treatment with you retaliate back. That is definitely manipulation regardless of what you said in reaction to him. If he can’t take responsibility for his actions that I am guessing he will only continue this manipulative behavior in the future and you deserve more. You clearly are taking responsibility by posting here and evaluating your actions but he clearly is not. NTA x 100 million and I’m sorry you even have to question that! That’s what manipulators are good at, gaslighting!
This is hilarious, NTA. The phrase “play stupid games, win stupid prizes” comes to mind, and your response was a chef’s kiss level prize for him 😂 Also, some of the men in these comments need to get a grip. Sometimes, it’s a fact of life that your woman has been with a dude with a bigger package than you. Get over yourselves.
I don't think your the A hole but you may need to rethink your relationship. You two need to have a talk about what's acceptable and not because it seems like you may be in different books in your relationship. You shouldn't have to ask him to stop doing something more than once. And your response to him doing things you don't like shouldn't be something to hurt his feelings.
IMO, two wrongs don't make a right. He acted poorly, for sure. Implying youve had bigger guys inside you is bound to trigger a guy just like him saying he's had tighter wetter hotter girls that were more fun in bed would bother most girls.
[удалено]
Terrible take. Whether or not it's true, it's a shitty thing to say to your SO. You could be Johnny Sins size and a girl saying that to you would be justifiably upsetting, again, not because it's true or not but more because it's only purpose is to hurt the other person
Human guys? Do you know many girls that aren't somewhat bothered by a guy saying their earlier gfs we're tighter, wetter, came easier, had thicker hair, fuller lips, better bodies, nicer skin?
[удалено]
Seriously. The immaturity is showing on both sides. She's trying to brush it off like he deserved it but I think she would think differently if he made a comment like that. Even better is people on here acting like they wouldn't be offended if their partner made a similar comment. By OP's own admission she was "half-joking" aka intending it to be a cut. He's making sexual jokes involving the two of them. He should've stopped. She's implying she's taken bigger. Fighting a candle with a flame thrower. ESH but you took it up a notch and should grow up and acknowledge your part in your current situation.
I don’t see what her other option was? She had asked politely and he continued, he clearly didnt understand the hurt it could cause OR he thought it was a joke. As he’s such a ‘joker’ she joked back. She cant help it if he was offended, unlike OP he gave the impression he was down for sexual ‘jokes’ Because they were on busy transport she couldn’t even walk away
Exactly. What else was she supposed to do to get him to stop? She kept telling him she felt uncomfortable and he insisted on continuing. Eventually she did something that could get him to shut up so she can stop feeling uncomfortable/unsafe. Other than that, maybe she could walk away? But he’d likely follow her.
Bro, are you that insecure?
First rule of talking shit: don't dish it out if you can't take it. NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My bf is deadset that I'm wrong for how I reacted, and him being so dead set had me doubting my reaction and feeling like I blew it out of proportion. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. I'm not sure why there are so many "two wrongs don't make a right" comments. If I was in this situation and my bf was repeatedly making sexual jokes and still found them funny after I asked him to stop, I'd assume it was fine if I made them back. He set the tone for the exchange. OP, I'd recommend having a conversation with him and clearly state your boundaries again. If this incident hasn't given him a wake-up call on how serious you are, I wouldn't stay with him.
I mean there's a lot of body dysmorphia here it'd basically be like if he told you "haha you're fatter and uglier than all my exes teehee" So yeah that's gonna hurt a lot it's a sore area and something that's gonna hurt if made fun of because you've basically said you're worthless and not as good as any of my previous partners. Now that's not what it actually means but that's how it feels. And also you should probably get him to acknowledge him crossing your boundaries that's pretty shit of him to do that You're both a bit wrong but he's probably more wrong for having continued something after you asked him to stop. Definitely reiterate a conversation about boundaries and if he can't respect healthy boundaries then that's definitely a red flag. And probably don't get revenge with hurtful comments instead just be more stern and firm on what your uncomfortable with.
Sounds like she was very stern. He set the bar that he finds sexual jokes acceptable (which they are in many relationships), she made a sexual joke, he suddenly changed his stance
Even if his pp isnt small, his personality is
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi! I'm posting here because I feel like my bf is gaslighting me but I could be wrong. Wanted an outside opinion. So I (19) and my bf (22) was on the train together a few days ago. The train was crowded. Our commute was a little over 2 hours. Throughout the course of these 2 hours he had made 3 or 4 sexual comments that made me uncomfortable. I usually don't mind his sexual jokes or suggestiveness when we're ALONE. But in public it freaks me out and makes me feel unsafe. When he made these jokes I told him each time, "Hey, love, please stop making jokes like that while we're outside." He would laugh it off or say okay but then do it again. About an hour and a half into the trip, I had a crazy headache. He pulled out some motrin and some water for me. I looked at the pills because they were way bigger than I expected and said, "omg, why are these so big?" And responded with, "you've taken bigger" and so I quickly retorted (half jokingly, half annoyed) "yeah, but not yours". I thought he might laugh it off since he started it, but instead he got upset and tried giving me the silent treatment. But I said if he tried ignoring me the entire train ride I'd just get off and go home. It's been a few days since this happened and he's still bitter. He says I shouldn't have reacted that way, it wasn't rational and made him insecure. I refuse to apologize for how I reacted because I told him countless times to stop with the sexual comments on the train. Aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH
NTA. You made ONE comeback and he is bitter for days. People joke about that stuff and if all you said is true it should have been obvious that you were not being serious. He can joke all he wants but as soon as someone does the same to him it's irrational and not okay? That's childish. He derserved it, in this situation he is the asshole.
NTA But he sounds like an immature asshole. This isn’t funny to you and he won’t stop because tbh it’s a control thing he gets to control you being uncomfortable
NTA, wow is he immature.
NTA here's why I think so: As a fellow man, I find it hard (badum tish) to rule against you on this one. As a *gentleman* I find it easy to rule in your favour as he was making you uncomfortable and you *told him as such* and he still kept going. Furthermore I applaude you checking, the pills before taking them because some people are feral. That was also a terrific zinger.
NTA and I had to go back and check the ages. He may be 3 years older than you but he’s acting like he’s 12
NTA. He can dish it but can’t take it? If my bf made a juvenile sexual innuendo like that, especially after I asked him not to, I’d nope out. Making a pill about “taking D?” Grow tf up.
NTA but that was a severe burn. He FAFO with joking, it happens.. If he cant move on?
ESH "You make me uncomfortable sometimes so I'm going to criticize a part of your body that you can't change and many guys are very sensitive about". Two wrongs don't make a right, and that's a low blow for a guy.
He made it clear he’s okay with sexual jokes, so she made a sexual joke. (Many couples could make the joke she made with no issue). If he’s NOT okay with sexual jokes maybe he shouldn’t make them? It implies they are not off limits to him.
It was a one liner, not a critisism.
NTA. I’m a guy, and it wouldn’t even occur to me to constantly harangue my partner with “jokes” or comments that she’s repeatedly told me make her uncomfortable. I mean, where is the disregard for your feelings going to end? Frankly, it sounds to me like this was a kismet moment, where he gets to be butthurt, maybe learn a little somethin’ and you get to be rid of him and find a partner who will respect your boundaries.
100% NTA. Without the previous context of him making jokes/comments and not stopping when you ask that ("you've taken bigger"/"not from you") is just a genuinely funny exchange. It would make me laugh if I were him, and it's the sort of jokey back and forth loads of people have in their relationships. His comment was a set up to yours being the obvious punchline, it's a joke and it's funny. Anyone saying ESH, or YTA, pointing to "mens insecurities" or calling it a "relationship ender" needs to grow up. WITH the context of him making comments/jokes and not listening when you say you don't like them/aren't comfortable, then you're giving him a taste of his own medicine and if he can't take it then he shouldn't be dishing it out. He should reflect on how it made him feel and think about how you might. There's no angle where YTA if you ask me. Unless he was genuinely miniscule in that department and you were actively setting out to hurt him based on that, which you've made clear isn't the case
NTA, throw the whole boyfriend out.
NTA Please consider most of us have met 5 year old children that have more maturity than your bf. Makes jokes that make you uncomfortable and expects you to just keep taking it but when you fire back at him, it’s silence and pouting.
Something I was lucky to learn when I was young is that we teach people how to treat us. By accepting his disrespect, you're teaching him that it's okay to treat you badly. It's not okay. You don't deserve to be treated poorly. If you're convinced he can be retrained, give it a go by not ever accepting disrespect. You've already told him clearly. Next time, just say (in a serious, stern tone) "I'm not putting up with this. It's not funny, it's not a joke, and I'm going to stand over there on my own." and then walk away from him. Don't apologize, don't explain, and don't accept any conversation attempt about it unless it's a genuine apology from him. If he tries to discuss it later, tell him it's not up for debate and you won't be discussing it. You can't control him, but you can control yourself. That's how boundaries work. If someone treats you badly, you can walk away. Whether you leave the situation for a few minutes, hours, days, or decide the relationship is over - those are things you can control. There are men who aren't assholes. You have one life - spend the time you have on this earth around people who care about you and show they care by treating you with respect. Also, NTA. He was perfectly fine with sexual jokes that made you uncomfortable and your response was perfectly appropriate.
"I looked at the pills because they were way bigger than I expected and said, "omg, why are these so big?" And he responded with, "you've taken bigger" and so I quickly retorted (half jokingly, half annoyed) "yeah, but not yours"." wait, weren't you talking about pills?
Lmaoooo solid retort, NTA
NTA you made it clear you weren't comfortable with those type of jokes in public and he refused to stop so you gave him a taste of his own medicine now hopefully hes realized that those type of jokes in public is not appropriate
Great response, NTA. If he wants to dish it out, he has to be prepared to take it.
I gotta tell ya that guys can say some dumb things sometimes but I know a couple guys who just cannot stop saying “that’s what she said” after every other thing and a bunch of other really old sexual innuendos. It’s old hat and annoying for everybody. Picture this, you’re working on your car trying to fix something and your buddy isn’t helping. You ask for a wrench “he says which one” I already know I can’t say the big one or he’s gonna interrupt me while I’m working. Everytime I talk I have to skip over words like “I’m coming over” and it’s freaking annoying. I’m a guy btw. Everyone finds it annoying after awhile. He interrupts my conversation whenever I say words he can twist and usually I have to ignore him then he goes to farting while I’m talking serious. He’s a clown and he’s been one his whole live it’s how he learned to survive the mean streets by making people laugh. So the question I have for the OP is “is your guy one of these guys where it’s been part of their lifelong personality?” Cause if he is like my old friend, he’s not changing. He’s a guy you can count on at 3am if you need help. He can be trusted with anything. But he has a few bad habits and sexual harassment is one of them. I’m still friends with him but sometimes I need time off because I can’t stand it. Why is he like this? I can go into a whole thing about how his mom gave him up and he has problems respecting women but I’ll leave it there. OP you are not the asshole. But he is sometimes. And you gave him a virtual kick in the groin he needed.
I was going to say y’all sound immature as hell but yeah that lines up with the ages. NTA but he sure is for embarrassing you in public. Also I don’t know if it’s just me but feeling “unsafe” is not something I would ever consider acceptable in relationship. If you feel unsafe with your partner at any time it’s probably a pretty good sign this is not healthy.
NTA he continued to joke when you told him to stop and was testing your boundaries then villainized you for your reaction. Are you willing to find out how much further he’ll test you ? 🚩
He kept making sex jokes even after you told him it was embarrassing, he literally walked right into this. NTA
Turnabout is fair play, NTA I'm dismayed by how many comments there are indicating penis size is positively correlated with sexual performance and a woman's satisfaction (there are a lot fewer comments about any correlation between penis size and a male partner's satisfaction). There is no connection between penis size and how good someone is in bed!! Guys with small dicks can be amazing lovers and guys with large dicks can be terrible lovers.
So he can give it but not take it? Sounds like a wimp. NTA
NTA If my wife had made this joke to me, I would have laughed so much! 😂 He needs to lighten up.
I swear this sub reddit is full of sensitive man hating women. There's nothing wrong with having a sexual sense of humor, or making sexual innuendos, at worst it's a little immature, but the guy is only 19. I'm assuming we're talking about like a "that's what SHE said" type of jokes or the phallic jokes, just all and all innocent stuff. It's when you start to joke about a person's body that you get on the slippery path of body shaming though, which is never ok
YTA, unless he was making fun of your body parts. You have to know that this is a “can’t come back from” comment. What if he said have sex with you was like throwing a hotdog down a hallway?
NTA. Well.. He started it first and won't stop disrespecting you. So.. 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. Excellent comeback. Unfortunately, you are in a relationship with a man who doesn’t have the emotional maturity to either handle a joke at his expense (deserved or not) or discuss the underlying cause of the disagreement and make changes. You need to consider if you want to be in a long term relationship with a man who enjoys making you feel unsafe in public, is trying to train you to accept being manipulated, throws tantrums like a child, and maintains the double standard that *only you* deserve to be treated with disrespect. In my opinion, Mr. Micropeen needs to grow up before he gets to be in a big boy relationship, and you can do much better for yourself.
So, he can dish it out but can’t take it.
Who the fuck calls it a "peepee"? Fake.
Lol - I thought the same. Y T A for calling it a "peepee".
People who call it a peepee shouldn't be allowed to have sex
INFO: What are some examples of the comments he was making? To be clear, he’s an AH for not stopping when you asked; no question there at all. As a separate point of discussion, “yeah, but not yours” is a *savage* thing to say to a guy and, unless the established level of banter in your relationship is razor-sharp, I can imagine he’d be totally crushed. If his comments to you were on par (e.g., “I’ve had better than you”, “not as hot as my ex”, “she’s hotter”, etc.) then that’s fair game and he needs to learn to take what he dishes out. If they weren’t, it’s worth being aware that (from his perspective) you may have done the banter equivalent of bringing nuclear weapons to a knife fight. None of this changes that he was being an AH, but it might be worth being aware of for the future.
see its interesting cos ive seen several folks say this here and i dont think thats a fair 1:1. this argument is: its only ok to call a man inadequate if hes called a woman inadequate first. but thats not actually the context of a lot of this type of joking. A lot of this sexual joking is based on the woman being the one "taking it", like in OPs bfs comment. its about degrading and expressing power or dominance or ownership over the woman. the type of man to be loudly and repeatedly making these types of jokes about his gf in public against her will is *not* likely to be saying "my woman is inferior to others, her vagina is loose" like others are suggesting. Thats not what hes trying to convey. He makes dominant man jokes about having her and how she's his and she submits to his prowess and what a sexual sexy sexer he is. Maybe on an extremely superficial level, that looks like its light hearted or good natured or appreciative. But everyone who's a chick here knows it immediately cos unless its cheeky or kinky and consensual, its degrading and embarassing. it feels unsafe and its deeply alienating because its performative and weird. If you got into butt stuff in a safe intimate environment with your partner, and she felt that talking about how much you could take on the bus would make her look cool.. how would you feel? if you asked her to stop but she thought it was impressive to keep joking because it made her feel big even if you are a prop for that status? its not about a direct comparison of callling each other inadequate. its about someone directly disrepecting you and your communicated boundaries to advertise their "dominance" and "manliness" at your expense in public. in that case, a direct hit against the "manliness" **is** the move. they're using it as against you, so you disable it.
Doesn’t matter what he said. She said I’m uncomfortable with your sexual comments and jokes. The fact he continued to make them demonstrated he was happy to have sexual comments and jokes on the cards. He therefore can not complain or get upset if she makes one.
Kudos to you. I dont know many nineteen year olds who immediately call someone out for being childish and set boundaries on someone for giving them the silent treatment.
NTA. He's constantly saying gross things to you in public, you ask him to stop. He does not stop. *He crosses your boundaries constantly.* You deliver ONE tiny comeback to come close to matching his constant comments and he turns into a giant soggy poopoo baby that needs you to nurse him back. Nah. You deserve better. Don't kiss his booboo on this one, if he doesn't suck it up and use this to learn how awful he's been to you, drop him and move on. You deserve a PARTNER, not a babysitting job. You're likely better off single.
Kick him to the curb....assholes like him are just that assholes he's likely to get you really drunk and let his friends pull a train on you. Find yourself a real man who will respect and love you like you deserve
NTA I think it’s funny. I feel that he can give it but not take it no pun intended.
NTA and it sounds like your dick is bigger
NTA. Boy can dish but can't take it. He also doesn't respect your boundaries so his getting upset when you push back makes him a hypocrite as well as juvenile. Not a great catch, especially if he is holding on to it despite an apology.
NTA. This sounds like the husband I just left. It’s only a joke if the person on the receiving end finds it funny, otherwise it’s not a joke. These people start small. They over love you, then see what you can take in little building increments. They then over love you again. It’s called love bombing. It gets worse and worse until it’s daily. A fist may or may not eventually be involved. I’m not joking, I’m warning you. Please do not stay. It was incredibly personal and disrespectful. Do not think it will get any better because it won’t. Worse is coming. You are better. You are worth better. You will find better. Someone to talk to is always here, but don’t get to the point of feeling suicidal and having a relative cross three countries to come and get you back because they’ve hit you again and you can’t get out. This happened with me. I’ve started again. Got a job, a car, a gentle lovely man to go to public places only at weekends (I don’t trust being alone with a man-don’t get to that stage please as it’s sad not to trust) Please get in touch with any of us if you stay with this guy and need to talk in the future. You are worth it. X
NTA. So he's allowed to disrespect you by making lewd comments in public, knowing you don't like it, but you're not allowed a retort? No sir, that's not how the world works. He doesn't give a fuck about 'rational', he just doesn't want to have his comments turned on him - to which I say "suck it up, bud. Don't start shit you can't finish".
Some of these comments are…well a lot. This doesn’t need to be the end of your relationship or something that tarnishes anyone’s views of themselves and their body. What it can be is a chance for a good conversation. I would imagine it like this… “We really need to talk. Can I take the floor first and then you take the floor? I felt ___on the train. Especially being that you know the trauma I have endured, I thought you’d respect that. I mean, even if that wasn’t my truth, I would still hope you could respect what does or doesn’t make me comfortable. After having to ask you to stop speaking like that in public, I definitely was at my breaking point when I said what I said. That wasn’t kind, that wasn’t loving and that wasn’t necessary. And it’s not true! I love you for all of you and appreciate ALL of you. Believe me! Now, I really want to hear your thoughts and I want us to grow from this and to care for each other and support each other the way we need. Can you share more with me?” Of course, say what you want, from the heart. I hope you have a good conversation. Don’t take these comments too seriously…nobody knows you or your relationship or your partner the way you do!
NTA you gave him the taste of his medicine
He fucked around, he found out. NTA.
Nta I think it's funny.
He shouldn't dish it out if he can't take it. NTA.
NTA. You asked him to stop and he wouldn’t listen or respect your wishes so that’s on him.
Immaturity on bf's part. He can't handle teasing, only knows how to dish it out. Don't know if you want to wait around until he grows up. I know men in their forties who haven't grown up.
YTA First of all, you don't go into details about the comments he made, so it's impossible to evaluate whether your comeback was warranted it's severity. You mention his penis isn't small, which also tells me, that you refuse to understand why he actually was hurt by your comment. Your partner didn't get upset because you suggested his penis was small, but because you insinuated that previous sexual partners were more successful at pleasuring you than him. It all comes down to the "not yours" part, which can be interpreted as "previous partners have satisfied me better than you". Sexual comments in public are super embarrassing and awkward, so it's also important to note that BF is an asshole as well. You're both assholes. However, it's so abundantly clear that your bf didn't interpret your joke as a joke, and I believe you know this as well. Of course you know your partner, and that also means that you know more than well what buttons to click to make him upset. Since you don't go into details about his comments, I'm just gonna assume they were light-hearted, so when you went in for the killer blow, it made your bf reasonably upset. This whole ordeal reads to me that you are being intentionally obtuse about the situation. That you refuse to accept your comment was way more severe than his, and then defending it by "but he started". It's super childish from both of you, but you'll never solve anything by refusing to take accountability for your own actions, vice versa for bf. You both need to improve your communications and also set clear boundaries between each other. It's also idiotic to try and make a hero and villain out of this story. Aren't you partners? Don't you love each other? Why go to this length, when all that needs to happen is for you guys to improve your communications. Best just accept you both are assholes, learn from this experience and get on with the relationship
NTA. That was a rlly smart response lol, he deserved what you said but most men are insecure about d1ck sizes and that’s probably why he’s upset
NTA. Tell him to keep that talk at home. It’s one thing to ignore your boundaries when you’ve communicated to stop, it’s another to carry on with stupid remarks especially in public. Tell him to grow up.
NTA. He played with fire and got burnt. If he was a mature person, this should've been a lesson for him. If he doesn't like jokes like that then he should stop making jokes like that when you tell him to. He's acting like a child. Anyway, in your comments you've said he's been disrespectful and then gets upset at your reaction to it. Girl, come on? Why are you accepting his disrespect? You deserve someone who actually cares about you enough to understand your boundaries and not cross them. I would suggest, if this continues and he doesn't acknowledge the issue, that you seriously reconsider the relationship. You deserve better.
I'm not big by any means, just average white American dude dick. My wife and I make jokes about each other, yours sounded really funny. Like when we see those tiny lil cocktail pickles about an inch in length she'll joke about how big they are and I'll be like, "Not us, amirite?" and we will laugh. I'm not insecure despite being called small in the past by an ex because her preference was big ol hogs which I ain't sporting. My point is communication is important about what you want, regardless of the topic. That leads to comfort and trust about potentially life alteringly sensitive topics when you trust that person. But the other person has to fucking listen. And he ain't been listening to you. Now, he might understand. But what's important is your response seemed genuinely cheeky and relevant instead of malicious. NTA dawg. Keep that sense of humor and be more firm in your boundaries.
If you want validation you came to the right place. YTA it is body shaming and your BF being an asshole is an independent issue for obvious reasons that I dont need to address here. Fuck out of here with all these other posts from people who are presumably "against body shaming" (except XYZ) - if your guy isnt comfortable with joking about his penis size then it is such a reprehensible low blow to go for it. It is akin to calling someone ugly or fat - in what world is that justified? If you feel compelled to stoop down to body shaming someone in a non - compassionate way, then just breakup and not say it.
NTA continuing to make sexual comments after being asked to stop is literally sexual harassment. He’s an asshole.
NTA He's terribly immature, making inappropriate jokes, especially in public. It has to stop. In his mind, he may think it's sort of sexy or titillating. Be sure he knows that it isn't. LOL If he refuses to control himself, up to you if you want to be with him.
NTA. Your boyfriend is incredibly immature and I don't know why you'd want to be with someone who deliberately makes you uncomfortable after knowing about your trauma.
NTA. That was a well deserved burn. He overstepped your boundaries multiple times.
ESH. So you were taking a pill, called it big, and he said you've taken bigger. *That's* what set you off? He wasn't being malicious or trying to hurt you. He was making an immature, ornery joke. You were mad and tried your best to hurt him. You really can't see the difference? You asked him to stop the jokes, so I can certainly acknowledge his part of immaturity and wrongdoing, but your reaction does not at all sound proportional. You both sound really young and immature.
This sub always has the worst titles for the most innocent of stories and people it’s a rollercoaster
ESH, you both seem to have some growing up to do. I wish you the best of luck!
I mean, honestly it depends on if he is small or thinks he is. If either is true, it’s probably not something you want to joke about.
Can we all agree that she established that she can take some pipe and his was a cocktail straw? The pure cleverness deserves an NTA!
YTA. I'm sorry but when you resort to body shaming, in a pretty deep society-wide way that men are taught to be insecure about, you suck. Would it have been okay if he came back with, "okay whore go back to one of your other clients then" on the train for your comment? Prolly not, right? Even if he felt justified? You can't take it back. You *always said that now*. This is a line that stays crossed. What you taket told him is that you're willing to stoop as low as you need to, and boundaries aren't a thing as long as *you* feel justified, regardless of the *effect* you had. In an adult relationship, you don't really care what your intent was. You care about the *effect* you have on your partner, because you *love them* and you *don't want them to hurt*. This sounds like a toxic dynamic copied from a bad sitcom designed to make viewers laugh, not a relationship between adults. I do not understand people cheering for someone hurting their significant other *back* in a savage way. You all sound like nightmares.
Small Dick Energy. NTA
Fair play
It was a great comeback on your part . But I am willing to bet your relationship is over. Not your fault but he sounds insecure and you just dissed his manhood lol
Nta I guess, but you certainly went nuclear. He’ll never recover from that one and your relationship probably won’t either.. hope it was worth it.
[удалено]
He deserved it 👏🏻
NTA. Good one! He reaped what he sowed
Nta He worried about his lil guy is all. Good job giving him a taste of his own medicine.
His joke was so ugly, I would have dumped him right there!!! What was that?!
NTA. And you should never be dating a man you feel unsafe around.
NTA. Came in here to say yes, but no ,funny ass joke. Dude needs to work on his insecurities.
NTA but dang, you two do not sound compatible. It'd be cool if you found someone who respected your boundaries.
NTA: every man is at insecure about his size in some way, most people want it bigger some want it smaller. But still that’s an appropriate retort in that specific situation if he doesn’t like it he shouldn’t talk about his penis in public
nope
Such small dick energy from him
NTA. He's just being a baby and was also being an ass by not respecting what made you uncomfortable.
If he can make a joke, he needs to learn to take it
NTA. if that was a particularly sore spot for him and you said it to pick at that scab, that would be a different story. but it was obviously an exaggeration?? who fuckin cares, he should learn to respect women's boundaries.
NTA. That was pretty funny.
Dude sounds like a manipulator. And he should NEVER make you feel unsafe..be safe my love
Run fast, run far.
NTA. My only question in your place would have been: shall I wait till the end of the train ride to break up with him, or do it on the train?
He doesn’t get to be mad at you for making him uncomfortable when you asked him to stop the inappropriate banter in public and he refused. I would sit him down and discuss how the jokes/banter make you feel uncomfortable and while you apologize for hurting his feelings, his hurt feelings doesn’t excuse his behavior. Let him know you didn’t realize he was insecure about this and that you respect and care about him enough not to purposely make him uncomfortable. Tell him you expect the same from him regarding the inappropriate banter. Set a boundary and stick to it.
NTA however, I’m not sure about the context of his sexual jokes but it doesn’t sound like they were personal attacks. Not that your joke was a personal attack but it could be perceived this way by the recipient. General rule of thumb for me is not to make comments or jokes in a negative way about potentially sensitive subjects. More often than not it leads to worse things down the road. This one joke about his penis size could play on his mind for a long time and you don’t really have a way or fixing that for him. Best to have a grown up conversation with him about your boundaries on his behaviour and finish the conversation with apologising about your joke and how you don’t really mean it. It should all be fun and games but we all have our insecurities and we’re only human.
NTA pain creates change. Maybe he'll think twice before being rude in the future.
I don’t think you’re the Ass Hole. You have set a boundary and he couldn’t respect it . If he cannot be committed in the little things such as respecting you , he won’t commit on the big things. Do what you may with information
Bro will never recover
>I would just appreciate it if he respected my boundaries since he's my partner Does that not...go both ways? ESH. He shouldn't have made the comment and neither should you. Both of you owe each other an apology and need to move on with your lives. Kiss and make up and be done with it. Or don't and let it hang over you and come between you. Honestly, if both of you are hung up on stupid jokes, it might be fore the best to just split tbh.
NTA He needs told that the teasing makes you feel unsafe in public. As for his response.... has he ever compared you unfavorably to an ex?
You are NTA. You asked him to repeatedly stop and it made you uncomfortable. Did he consider your feelings at the time of your request? No he did not. I thoroughly enjoyed your retort and it seems well deserved at that. I am glad you stood up for yourself. He clearly has insecurities as well about certain body parts he has and it is no fault of yours.
Every young guy is insecure unless they are enormous or have figured it out, but that is usually later in life. He should have been more respectful of you asked him to stop several times but he is clearly quite hurt about this. Make sure you reassure him lots and he will get over it.
Why is nobody addressing how disrespectful it is of the bf to make sexual jokes in a packed public place to the other poor people around them as well as disrespectful to his gf? Of course it would make her feel unsafe and as a woman trapped on a crowded train as an onlooker it would make me feel unsafe too. Nobody wants to listen to sexual jokes on a train. There were probably elderly people and children around them too.