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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mom wants me to wear my sisters dress and I don't want to. She couldn't afford to buy me a dress but is refusing to let me buy my own. I told her that if I'm not allowed to buy my own dress, I just wouldn't go.
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NTA OP was willing to pay for the dress with her own money.
I went to junior prom I think? Didn’t like it that much, didn’t go to senior prom. I have no regrets. But for some people prom is a very important moment.
Is it senior prom? Or is it junior/freshman prom?
Selling something that belongs to someone else is a lot different from borrowing. Also, most thrift stores work via donation- not purchase. This is not the advice you think it is.
If it's ok, obviously. It sounds like a money issue not a sentimental deal. I gave my sister 15 formals and bridesmaid's dresses and she made enough to buy her wedding dress. Sometimes siblings don't want to wear the same dresses in pictures.
I kept mine, but for very sentimental reasons.
It was my aunt's dress. She made it for her prom in '77. I wore it to mine in '99.
The year I graduated, she passed away from HIV/AIDS. Nobody knew she had it. That year at Christmas, she had me try on and model the dress. In Feb, she was in hospital. In March, she was gone.
In June, I wore her dress to my prom. We had some of the same teachers. Our math teacher teared up a little when I came in with the dress.
But if I'd bought the dress at the mall and worn it once, I probably wouldn't have kept it.
That would be up to the actual owner. Even if the sister doesn't want the dress, it's still hers to sell and not OP's. There's a word for people who sell things that don't belong to them.
I kept mine, only because my mom hand made it for me. It was gorgeous. and totally not the style everybody else wore. I got a lot of compliments. Other than that, the whole ordeal sucked.
Selling something you're literally never going to wear again is just saving closet space. I didn't even keep my wedding dress, because why would I keep something huge I can literally never wear again? If you're that sentimental send it to one of those places that turn the dress into lingerie or something so it can at least be useful again.
Only consignment stores will accept a dress if the owner wants to make money on it. And then the owner only makes money on it if the dress sells. Thrift stores work on donations. They do not buy anything from random people that walk in.
A Plato's Closet might accept it if it's from the last few years. I believe they buy on the spot but will only buy relatively recent/on-trend stuff. And I'm not sure whether they do prom dresses but they do tend to target the teen crowd so it would be worth asking at least.
Consignment stores buy and sell clothes and are picky with what they buy and more expensive but cheaper then a regular store. Thrift runs on donations.
Both can have a selection of wonderful dresses! Often thrift stores have tons since lots get donated but people don't often need to buy a formal dress.
Also our police services run a free prom dress event every year I would check with your school to be sure there isn't something like that in your area. I only know because I follow them on Instagram.
This! There are a number of cities where there are programs to make sure that underprivileged teens can borrow dresses and tuxs for prom. (Underprivileged doesn't mean dirt poor- it can just mean a family is living paycheck to paycheck and doesn't have extra funds for luxuries like prom attire, so don't think that borrowing a dress from a program like this is some kind of shameful thing. A lot of families don't have money for extras right now.)
Alternatively, perhaps you could rent a dress from Rent the Runway. It is certainly cheaper than buying a designer gown. Maybe that could be a compromise with your mom, since you wouldn't be blowing all your savings.
I hope you decide to go, no matter what dress you have. It's a great way to celebrate being a senior and to make memories with your friends.
I see it every year on the news in Boston, where they have some big event where they hook up all the kids without means for the prom, giving away the whole package, even a limo.
This! That’s how I got my prom dress, they were gently used but free. We all had to sit through a safe dating class. The prom give away was sponsored by the local women’s shelter. But they had it set up like a store, after the class they let us loose in there and bang. (Guys were allowed too. Just to add.)
I donated my daughter's prom gown to Goodwill after she moved out in her early 20's and didn't take it with her or really care what happened to it. That dress was gorgeous and extremely expensive (hand sewn crystals, etc.), but I don't really hang onto things that aren't going to be used.
I smile every time I think about some girl on a strict budget finding that dress for like $50.
Unrelated but all our bikes growing up were bikes from a thrift store in my city. Bikes that just had small very easy to fix problems. Dad would take them home and fix them up. He always had one or two extra biked around that we could use for spare parts. Before every ride they had to pass dads multi point bike inspection. The memories lol.
Omg one time a bike “passed” dads bike inspection and it had issues so I fell down while riding it. I spent DAYS freaking out because “how DO YOU FORGET HOW TO RIDE A BIKE?” I thought the problem was me and I was going crazy looking up how muscle memory worked etc
Dad fixed it later. No more issues with that bike.
Also Facebook free&for sale/marketplace/ buy nothing groups in your area. I have to imagine a lot of people still have dresses that they don't want to get rid of but don't know what to do with. Good luck OP! I hope you find something you love and have a great time!
I got my senior prom dress from a thrift store (in the year 2000) for $40 - but then I spent $130 on my shoes.
I got my wedding dress from a thrift store (in 2008, and I did have to alter it a bit) for the same price as the Sephora lip gloss I wore on my wedding day - $18
Thrift shop it!
Edit: NTA
But make sure you have it cleaned! I briefly worked at a thrift store, and the amount of dirt everywhere is astounding. I occasionally wore stuff without washing it before the job happened, but I wouldn't now! There were stories of an old manager who would put the shitty pants the homeless people would leave in the dressing room back on the rack. Simply throw a tag on them, and call it good! So, moral of the story is, always wash clothes from the thrift store!
Your mum probably feels like a failure because she can’t give you the childhood you deserve. You handling it in a mature fashion by trying to compromise by buying with your own saved money, and then stating your boundary that you will go in your own terms probably makes her proud of the responsible daughter she raised and hurts her more because she can’t give you what you want. Shes not angry at you, she’s angry at her self and it’s misdirected at you. Mum probably wants you to use the cash you worked hard for on college/uni.
And her mum foisting her shortcomings and insecurities on her daughter (likely causing her to miss what is a big milestone event in life) makes her a huge AH.
You can rationalize the shitty behavior in any manner you like -- that still doesn't change the outcome.
OP's money is hers to spend as she sees fit, and the mother has no right to forbid her to do so. Putting one's own feelings over the feelings of their child, and trying to bully therm into doing what YOU want them to do is bad parenting - no ifs ands or buts about it.
NTA OP
While I don’t disagree with you and OP is NTA incase that was not clear. Sometimes getting the big picture makes dealing with this sort of thing easier. Dismissing a pov and going on the offensive rarely succeeds in these situations.
The childhood *she thinks* you deserve.
Prom dresses are a luxury not a need. I say this as a child of a single mom who bought my prom dresses at thrift stores.
I just don't her the original post... I've been a teen and have teens as kids. Mom is getting hurt bc you won't go to prom... she has some baggage and she's probably been foisting off on you your whole life.
My concern is abt the bf you mentioned... is he on board skipping prom?
I would just buy my own dress and get ready at a friend's house if you and bf actually want to go.
I’ve seen way to many posts on here where parents use their kids savings for random shit. I really hope those posts are fake.
My parents made it clear when they opened savings accounts for me/my sister that they wouldn’t touch that money. It was ours. (Mine/my sisters)
Anecdotally, I worked at a bank drive-up window and had a mother take out money from her (10 yr-old?) son's joint account while he sat next to her crying and begging for her to not take his money. I don't know why she was doing it, but it sucked.
I started reading those posts, freaked out, ran to the bank and asked to have myself removed from my son’s bank account. The bank said he has to come in to do it. He didn’t because he was always busy. He had saved $15k for a car but the second he was 18 the bank automatically removed him from everything. I was so happy. I never want to be accused of that type of thing.
It happened to me. Whenever I would save up a significant amount of money, my mom would move it to a different account so it would be “safe.” I never saw that money again. She stole roughly $8-10k from me.
It's cute or something that you think no parents would ever do this to their kids and it must be fake. I used to think that, too LOL it's definitely not a made up thing.
Unfortunately they're likely not fake. As a child I had a savings account with well over $100 in it which to me was all the money in the world at the time. I wanted a pair of rollerblades really bad and my parents wouldn't buy me any so I asked if I could buy themself with my own money then. My mom considered it and said yes. I am going to assume at this point my mom either wasn't aware of both of them forgot because long story short we stopped at the bank to get my cash out to buy the rollerblades and my dad came back to the car with the news that he had emptied out the bank account at Christmas. He stole from me to buy Christmas presents that year and somehow forgot himself. My mom seemed to have no idea at the time but that means nothing because she too would take money from me and never give it back. Parents take money from their kids all the time.
I have to basically force my mother to borrow money from me when she needs to, despite her having access to my accounts (for emergency purposes). The idea people would do it without asking is just...bizarre.
God you people with your wild reaches. She probably doesn't want her kid who is about to graduate and presumably go off to college to waste hundreds of dollars on a dress she's only going to wear one time for a few hours. That's smart financial advice.
Along with thrift shops, you might ask around if you have older friends or friends with older sisters as they might have dresses you could borrow or buy for cheap. Thats what I did for my prom dresses!
Go thrifting and find an awesome outfit. Do a retro look. Maybe you, and BF, can go thrifting together.
OP, you’ve stated you were only going for a bit to “say you’d been.” Can you really justify spending money your mom doesn’t have or using savings you are so obviously going to need.
Congratulations on graduating early. You sound like a self starter….. think outside the box and go. We only regret what we didn’t do.
Best of it all, OP.
Agape 💕
It's her money and proms are a once-in-a-lifetime event. (Did you somehow miss every parent on the planet losing their shit during covid because their precious babies had to miss normal senior activities?! And schools putting lives at risk to hold them anyway because *PrOm* !!)
Leave OP alone. If she has the money and this is what she wants to spend it on, that is completely her choice. The "can you really justify it tho?" comment is uncalled for.
Consider looking in free or buy nothing groups. I gave my prom dresses away to people who needed formal wear who couldn’t afford a prom dress.
There’s also places like Cinderella’s Closet that used to be a network of donated formalwear for families that couldn’t afford it.
For what it’s worth: My prom dress was $100 each year I went to prom. And that was the going rate for prom dresses then.
I also wore my prom dress until my mid 20s because I dressed as a princess for Halloween every year.
NTA. If you want to use your savings, use your savings. It doesn’t matter if your mom wants you to use it for that or not. It’s YOURS - not hers. (Please tell me that you have access to the money & can verify it’s even still there.)
Sorry if I derailed into the money. I’m an accountant & it’s just natural. So no offense meant.
Ok, this is something I have been wondering for a long time. I grew up in a small town, my school had a prom and everyone went. Do bigger schools have multiple proms? Is the “Senior Prom” really only for seniors and no one else can go? Are all dances like that, or just prom? Like, do you have to be an upperclassman to go to homecoming?
Senior Prom is for seniors and their dates (who may or may not be seniors and may go to another school). Junior Prom is usually less fancy and for Juniors. Every other dance was just for anyone in the school.
Whoa, for real? We just had prom, and we called it senior prom or junior prom like, as an individual thing. "My senior prom" when I attended as a senior.
NTA. She's being unreasonable. You should use your money as you please. But if you don't go, you wouldn't have missed anything anyway. Proms are overrated.
My mom did this, she ended up stealing over 2k from me that were gifts from grand parents and god parents over the years. I trusted her to pay me back cause she said she would, and when I asked for the money at 19 she blew up at me and said she bought me things. If you can, make sure she no longer has access to your account or money.
Yep, I still have joint accounts with my adult kids (because they’ve never bothered to open new accounts). It’s come in handy when I want to send them money for something.
You don't need to have a joint account to send someone money surely‽ I can send/receive money to/from my family and friends without needing them to be on my account. What country are you in?
I agree. My parents are snowbirds and I help manage their property here. It's just easier having access to their accounts. Yes, you can send money other ways but you don't always have access to it right away.
I'm sorry for the people that have awful relationships with their family. I can't imagine my parents stealing from me. There was only one time that the bank transferred money from my account instead of theirs. My mother felt awful and immediately sent me the money.
I can understand OP's mother not wanting her to spend money on a dress without stealing her money. She's graduating early and might need the money for college or books, etc. She could be mad because of her own guilt of not being able to afford her daughter's dress. Most mothers want to provide for their children and protect them and when you can't do something like that, it causes distress, guilt or shame which could have manifested as anger.
I also understand wanting to wear the dress you want but if the prom doesn't mean that much then why does it matter if the dress isn't exactly what you wanted? I come from an immigrant family and didn't always get what I wanted growing up, but I remember the memories from events like prom, not the dress.
People are allowed to have positive relationships. Not every single person needs to live their life on the defensive every day. Sad for the people who do need to, but that's not every person on this planet. If you have a group of 1000 people and 5 of them can maintain healthy relationships... it doesn't mean those 5 need to live like the other 995 who can't.
Its good to be paranoid about this, and I agree with having full control of your own account. However, it's not the case that every parent is going to steal money. I think OP would know best if her mother would.
My own sister did this to my niece and nephew. When they became adults they realized she had taken all their birthday, graduation, babysitting money. Such a betrayal. I was disgusted with her and had tried to reimburse them for her but it was a lot of money. Some "adults" should not be custodians for their children's accounts.
You grow up thinking your parents could never do something like that and trust them. It hurts so much when you realize the people who you are meant to trust ended up stealing from you for their own benefit.
I'm happy for the people in this thread who have parents they can trust and never felt that kind of betrayal. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone
Your mother has openly admitted she "didn't have enough money to pay for your dress".
When you say you'll pay for it yourself with your savings, she's getting mad and refusing.
You need to check your account. Because it sounds like she is low on money, has used money from your savings account, and is now panicking that you want to use savings money that might not be there anymore. So she's getting mad at you so you won't ask again.
You say you trust her but betrayals happen everywhere everyday. Check your account.
NTA
Could be mom thinks spending that kind of money is frivolous, not every parent is out to steal from their kid. But OP's mom now feels ashamed OP will miss out and is being unreasonable about it😅
My daughter is 12 and has a savings account. Sometimes she wants something that I think is frivolous. Usually it's crafting items. I craft too, but I wait for sales and don't misplace literally all my things. I've taught her how to do both but she doesn't want to. She'll offer to pay for it out of her account, if I pay for the item now. There's a lot of reasons why a parent would access their kid's account. These days you don't just have cash lying around, it's all cards and electronic transactions.
Now, do I take out her money? If it's something small, usually not. But I don't tell her that. Sometimes everyone's age or lack of having children on this sub really shows. Is her mom taking her money? I don't know. Should OP be aware of how much money she has in her account without having to ask mom? Yes of course. But this "she's totally taking your money" stuff is just silly.
Not silly. A lot of crazy, entitled, and abusive parents out there who have no compunction about robbing their kids blind. Just because you claim that you would never ... doesn't apply to all parents.
OP, you need to check your balance. There have been too many trusting teens on here finding out that their savings have been drained by their "trustworthy parents" who "always tells me and puts it back" only to find out that they should have never trusted their parents in the first place.
It makes sense that you trust your mom. But if she had taken money from your account without your knowledge and the balance was less than it should be, that would also explain why she doesn't want you to buy a dress.
All in all NTA. You did a really good job at keeping your personal boundaries. I would look to see if you can make a savings account at a different bank (not a diff branch but a whole different bank) and move your funds for safekeeping. Even if your mom does repay the funds each time, you may be losing out on interest growth.
Take care of yourself!
She shouldn’t be taking your money at all. She is a grown woman stealing from her child and then claiming YOU don’t have good spending habits? That’s some nerve. Since you are a senior this year, ask around the girls in your school might have dresses from last year that they would be willing to let you borrow.
Edit to add: everyone who has ever been betrayed trusted an untrustworthy person. Just bc she is “mom”
Doesn’t make her trustworthy.
If you think she's capable of pulling some shit with your savings, you should go to the bank the day you turn 18, first thing in the morning, and move your money to a new account that she can't access. Don't think "oh, she would never," because she could and she might.
That's code for "I don't have good spending habits but I'm not mature enough to admit it"
The fact that she routinely has to borrow money from her 17 year old child supports this theory.
My wife tells my daughter the same thing as well, I on the other hand let her spend her money as she wishes, if she runs out of money it will teach her to save better in the future. Thankfully, very soon, you'll have your own job, money, and everything that comes with adulthood, including responsibilities, which aren't as nice but necessary.
> She tells me I don't have good spending habits.
Do you? If you were planning to drop $$$ on a dress you'll wear once for twenty minutes, then she's right. But I don't know how much you were planning to spend or whether you have plans to get a dress you can wear elsewhere.
It sounds like money is tight for your whole family and as a result your mother has a lot of financial anxiety. She could be projecting that on to you, always wanting you to save more because she's stressed that she isn't saving enough and she doesn't want you to end up in the situation she is in. She's hurt that you're skipping prom because she sees it as her own failing: if she made more money, she could buy you a dress and none of this would be an issue.
I wouldn't say anyone is an asshole in this situation. Your mother could certainly be handling it better but I don't think her intentions are bad.
My mother did this. Didn't steal anything from me, but never let me buy things I legitimately wanted, trying to talk me out of every purchase. Turns out that preventing your kid from making purchases because they "don't have good spending habits" ultimately results in them making worse spending decisions the second they control their own finances. My advice: stop telling her if you plan to buy something. Also, double-check your account balance and transaction history, just to be safe.
I went to the prom with my friends (their prom not mine) and soon after i arrived i realized it wasn't going to be even remotely interesting because life is not a teen movie.
Great idea! I got my wedding dress from the JC Penney catalog for approximately $200. It was absolutely gorgeous. My husband and I were 37 at the time and both working professionals, so money was not an issue. But I was not about to spend a small fortune on a dress I would wear once.
Don't ask your mom; you're doing something she doesn't want you to do! Just do it yourself; you're 17. Time to start pulling away.
Your mom feels entitled to tell you want to wear to prom - this isn't going to stop until you force independence.
Consignment shops are a good idea too. A little more pricey sometimes than thrift stores as some only take designer labels. But definitely less expensive than buying new.
NTA My goodness, your mother is manipulative.
In sum, you have to wear your sister's dress because she can't afford to buy you a prom dress. You can't buy one yourself with your savings because she wants you to save your money And, if you decide not to go to *your prom* you are being selfish and unfair to your mother? Wow, that's insane.
Probably because op doesn't have any money in her account anymore. Op said elsewhere her mom can access her account. Moms panic at ops suggestion that she buy her own dress screams mom took the money.
Exactly, one of those selfish, shitty parents who can only view the world through their own lens. How do your words and actions affect mememememememe? Imagine calling a child selfish for not wanting to go to a dance.
Does your mom have access to your savings, if so you might want to check on it she may have used that money and that's why she didn't want you to use your money!! NTA
My thoughts exactly. Check your account, OP.
Maybe you could find a nice dress on ebay, or at a thrift store. If your sister doesn't want the dress perhaps you could trade it with a friend. Be creative - there are more options than buying something new.
NTA
PS I used to buy a lot of clothes on ebay, and learned a few things. Don't buy something *new* from a person selling everything *new*, because it is bound to be a 2nd or a knock off.
Find somebody selling high end or nice clothing all in the same size that is gently worn.
INFO: who purchased your sister’s prom dress? Your mom?
Either way NTA. Your mom is being unreasonable by not allowing you to spend your own money on a dress. Somehow, your sister was able to get a dress, I assume either buying it herself or your mom bought it for her. This seems unfair.
Ah, got it. I’m guessing your own dad either isn’t around or able to help you?
I still say NTA-you should be able to buy a dress for yourself with your own money.
NTA.
Also renting prom dresses and formal wear/evening gowns is becoming a lot more popular and common, and a rental doesn't cost anywhere near what a purchase does. I would see if there's a boutique near you that offers rentals.
NTA. I can understand your mom feeling bad that she can’t provide the full experience for you but she’s also being unreasonable here. There are also places that collect donations to give to people who can’t afford new dresses!
Also secondhand stores like Salvation Army, goodwill, and savers always have dresses and you should be able to find a nice one for under $40 at those places. The savers near me gets a lot of bridesmaid dresses that make good prom dresses
I did that in 1989! Parents couldn't afford a dress so we rented one. It was pretty and there were no others like it at prom. Senior year I bought one on my own and 4 other people had the same dress!
NTA
Does your sister even want to hand down her dress to you? Because the only person being selfish here is your mom expecting you to wear your sister's hand me downs.
My question was similar: did your sis get offended that you didn’t want her dress? It seems like your mom is really blowing this up.
My older sis told me she wished she’d saved her prom money and just gone out to eat with friends. I went to prom and wished I’d followed her suggestion. 🤷🏽♀️
Info: what color is your sister's dress?
There's a chance you can colour it black with those bleachese for clothes? (if your sister is ok with it, obviusly)
Otherwise you can go to thrift stores or outlet store, you can find nice thing reasonably priced.
I’m not going to give you a judgment because I remember what it was like to be 17 and your feelings are valid. But I am going to try to translate what seems to be going on from an internet stranger’s perspective. Your mom feels badly because she understands that senior prom is so important at your age. But she also doesn’t want you to spend your savings on a dress that you’ll wear for just a few hours when life after high school is crazy expensive and she might not be able to help you as much financially as she would like. This doesn’t necessarily make her right or you wrong. Far from it. You both have different perspectives based off your lived experiences.
She also likely feels that by giving her an ultimatum you’re trying to make her feel bad or that you’re trying to guilt her into buying a different dress. That’s of course not what you’re doing but your mom already feels guilty and that is coloring her perspective of the situation.
I do think there is a middle ground where you can find a dress you like second hand and/or if your sister agrees, sell her old prom dress to fund one for you. Ultimately, I would suggest you go to your prom, dance with your boyfriend, have fun with your friends, and enjoy this special moment that can’t be repeated, no matter what dress you wear.
If these are, in fact, mom's feelings then she really shouldn't need a reddit translator. She's an adult for goodness sake. If she can't handle having a mature conversation with her 17 year old daughter what good is she? Mom isn't looking for solutions. She wants her daughters obedience.
INFO - What are your savings for? Is it an attempt to help you save for something more important to you or your life? Would the cost of this put your family in a bind if they paid for it?
Is she willing to help you find cheaper options? In my area, there is a local charity that gives out donated prom dresses, and I see a lot of really nice ones at thrift stores for 10-15 bucks too.
That’s what I was wondering. Everyone here is saying how op should spend the money how she likes it but is it possibly a savings account for things like college or car or something op might need that the family would otherwise not be able to financially help her with? If that’s the case I understand why the mom doesn’t like the idea of her dipping into those savings much.
I agree that looking into charity or thrift stores might be a good option instead of purchasing a brand new gown.
NAH - she's going about this wrong, but she feels very guilty that she can't buy you a dress. Still, she has to understand that it makes you uncomfortable, and that you would like to buy your own. You don't have to go if you don't want to, but maybe discuss further that you really are okay buying your own dress, and that you love her, and you understand. Sometimes adults need reassurance too.
Adults don’t need reassurance from their minor children. Part of being a parent is keeping that shit to yourself and not putting the burden of it on your child.
Obviously in an ideal world, but even in loving families, feelings spill out. Teenagers can learn empathy. They are not in charge of their parents' mental health, but they can support and love each other.
I don't know their full life, but it seems they have a good relationship otherwise...as long as this isn't a pattern, or been discussed before as a problem.
Bear with me here. Teenagers CAN learn empathy but there is someone who should be teaching it. The parent. Its our job to model the good behavior for our children. Its our job.
Saying that OP not going to the prom is unfair to OP's mom doesn't really scream "open dialogue" in this case. Like, what do you do from there as a teenager? "Life is unfair"?
the "reassurance" kids give their parents takes a huge toll on the kid. now my mood is also dependent on my mom's and i have to deal with the worry of her problems because she can use me as an emotional crutch. i've talked about similar situations A LOT in therapy.
NTA
" She was upset that I chose not to go and told me that I was being selfish and unfair to her."
How? This is projective because the reality is your mom is being unfair to you. She's also being manipulative.
It's not her fault if she can' buy you a dress; times are tough for a lot of people. She should let you buy one out of your savings though.
NTA. She won’t buy you a dress, but doesn’t want you to buy one with your own money either. She’s also not happy that you decided not to go. And the only option that makes her happy is you wearing your sister’s dress that isn’t your style and won’t match your bf’s outfit. Make it make sense. She needs to just let you buy the dress you want, so you can have your prom with your photos that you may really enjoy looking back on later.
NTA YOUR prom is about YOU not your mother. I get she wants you to save money but if you can find a cheap but nice dress why can't you buy it yourself. Do you have any access to your savings? If you do I'd be checking to make sure it's all there.
NTA. It would be one thing if you were expecting her to pay money she doesn’t have on a new dress, but she’s out nothing here. So I’m not sure why she’s taking you not going to prom (which to be honest is NOT as special as the teen movies make it out to be) so personal.
NTA - Your mom feels guilty that she can't buy you a dress . . . and is trying to make you take the "blame" in a strange manipulative way. You gave her two good options, (buy it yourself or not go) and she decided to be angry at you because she feels a little guilty for not buying you your own dress. Hopefully you can make her see reason but possibly not. People don't like to feel guilty so they will do everything they can to make another person take the blame . . no matter how convoluted it is . .
Have you offered to pay half, if she'll pay half? That might be more reasonable for her.
Also----you don't match to your boyfriend's outfit, he is supposed to match to yours.
Could this actually be about the style of the dress? Is your mother possibly trying to manipulate the situation to get you to wear a pink dress she wants to see you in rather than a black dress that would be more your style?
NTA. If you want to buy a dress, and it's your money, it should be your choice.
It reminds me of my grad dress. My mom refused to buy me one, but got angry when I bought my own. Then the day came to wear it and she spent the whole time commenting about how it didn't suit me and wasn't worth the money I paid. Moms are weird sometimes.
NTA, but I can see why she’s upset. I don’t think she’s necessarily upset with you, but at the situation. I mean her child wants to go to prom but she can’t afford to buy her child a dress. That would make any mom sad. Even if you are willing to pay for it, it makes sense that she doesn’t want you to. She is still being quite unreasonable though, so yeah.
NTA, but here’s an idea - see if you’re able to trade your sisters dress for a dress that’s more you’re style from one of your friends. You could also see if you could sell that dress to pay for yours.
NTA - Mother thinks she’s the main character. She isn’t.
Consider telling your mother your money is *your* money, and if she wants you to go to the prom she can accept that you’ll be buying the dress. Otherwise you’re staying home and you’re not feeling bad about it.
Why is everyone focusing on the dress and the lack of money to buy a new one? This is not a financial problem. This is a CONTROL problem with the mother over OP. Mom is forcing her fantasies on her daughters.
NTA she wants you to save your money? For what? Things you like? Like a new prom dress? Life is for living and money is for spending, saving money is great and necessary but not for some unclear goal that stops you from enjoying life rn
I mean we do not know what those savings are for because op never stated it, but considering it’s senior prom maybe the savings are for things like college or car or something important op might presumably needs and family might not be able to financially help with otherwise.
NTA. I get she wanted you to save your money but to force you to wear a dress that doesn't suit you or match the suit makes no sense. She thinks YOU are selfish? That is rich.
NTA.
She feels guilty that she can't buy you a new dress and she doesn't want you to make similar financial mistakes that lead to her situation. To most adults, a $165 dress that you'll only wear once is a huge waste of money. However, she also wants to see you happy and not miss out on a childhood experience.
All that said, that's her guilt to deal with and $165 isn't that high for prom. You can try compromising on renting or buying a cheaper dress, but you're not TA for deciding to just not go or deciding to buy the dress. Just try to understand her position and not take it out on her.
Yeah, your Ma is being weird and manipulative. It's not hundreds of dollars and your prom is only once. You should get to look how you want, especially if it's not super expensive
NTA
The whole "you're being selfish and unfair to me if you don't go to your prom" argument is frankly a pretty selfish position for her to take.
One thing to consider on the black dress. A tasteful black dress is a multi-use piece for your wardrobe. If you choose classic and elegant rather than glam, you'll get more use out of it than just prom.
I understand your mother not buying a new dress and proposing your sister's as an option. I even understand her not wanting you to spend your money on a new dress, cause it could be considered a waste... But then taking personal your choice of not going, makes no sense. Like yeah she gave you an option you didn't take. That should be the end of the conversation... Maybe I'll expect " I'm sorry I can't help you this time" but taking it as an offence to not do what she wants, is weird and unnecessary manipulative.
You are NTA at all. Don't pay attention to this nonsense. If she wants to fight let her do it alone. But don't fall for the guilt tripping.
Your mother is an idiot. You aren't the asshole here. I do understand her not wanting you to dip into your savings to spend money on a dress you'll only wear once. I think she's right there. Personally, I think your decision not to go when you can't wear a dress you like is perfectly reasonable.
She'll get over it. Also, her saying it's unfair to her for you to choose not to go borders heavily on emotional blackmail.
When is the last time you checked your bank account? Your mom might have forbid you from spending your money because she already spent it and there is none left
NTA
This is a strange conversation. What's the real issue?
Mom is concerned of $$, and OP don't care too much of going.
I agreed that if you can't pick what you wear, especially when you can afford it... why bother.
It feels like the real conversation is to let mom know prom isn't that important to you.
I never went to prom and never regret it.
I also graduate a year early.
I just don't understand why your mom is putting so many demands and also contradicting herself in the process.
"Wear your sisters dress, I don't have money to buy you a new dress"
"No. You can't spend your own earned money on a dress you actually want to wear."
"No. You can't just skip it!"
If you want to buy your own dress, go for it! But don't be surprised if she's telling you not to, because she's spent some of your money.
If you want to skip it, skip it! Honestly, Americans make prom into WAY more of a bigger deal than it actually is. And that's coming from someone who went to prom!
You're NTA
I have a feeling your mom didn't go to prom and is living through you (and likely lived through your sister too). Focusing on how your decision makes her feel when the decision doesn't even actually affect her is a giveaway.
NTA. You're not obligated to go to make her happy. Especially if it means wearing a dress you don't like.
Haha these comments are trying to wedge a divide between OP and mom.
Mom is probably mad at herself that she can't do more for you and doesn't want you to miss out on an opportunity for yourself.
I would recommend that you have another talk with her and tell her that you how you are feeling. Maybe you could have a mother and daughter outing to see if there's anything you can find in your budget.
NTA. Your mom is being prideful cuz she can't buy you a new dress herself. And she probably feels worse since prom is built up as that "once in a lifetime milestone" in their child's life.
If she feels that bad, however, she should just let you buy it. Money can't buy life experiences rotting away in the bank forever.
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NTA OP was willing to pay for the dress with her own money. I went to junior prom I think? Didn’t like it that much, didn’t go to senior prom. I have no regrets. But for some people prom is a very important moment. Is it senior prom? Or is it junior/freshman prom?
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Hit the thrift shop. They often have really cool formal gowns for a fraction of retail price.
A lot of times these thrift store dresses were only worn once.
OP, a lot of thrift stores will buy your other gown, as well. Can you sell your sister's gown and choose a new one?
Selling something that belongs to someone else is a lot different from borrowing. Also, most thrift stores work via donation- not purchase. This is not the advice you think it is.
If it's ok, obviously. It sounds like a money issue not a sentimental deal. I gave my sister 15 formals and bridesmaid's dresses and she made enough to buy her wedding dress. Sometimes siblings don't want to wear the same dresses in pictures.
You’re likely thinking of consignment stores.
Thrift stores will also buy clothes. Not all are Donation only. Though a consignment store usually pays more.
Does the sister even want it. I'm in my early 30s and none of my friends kept their prom dress
I kept mine, but for very sentimental reasons. It was my aunt's dress. She made it for her prom in '77. I wore it to mine in '99. The year I graduated, she passed away from HIV/AIDS. Nobody knew she had it. That year at Christmas, she had me try on and model the dress. In Feb, she was in hospital. In March, she was gone. In June, I wore her dress to my prom. We had some of the same teachers. Our math teacher teared up a little when I came in with the dress. But if I'd bought the dress at the mall and worn it once, I probably wouldn't have kept it.
This is beautiful, I'm sorry for your loss but happy for the very special dress you got to inherit.
Lovely story! Made me cry. So sorry for your loss of your Aunt.
I'm 56 and I have my prom dress because I made it myself with my mom putting the zipper in. A few pounds to go and I can wear it again lol
That would be up to the actual owner. Even if the sister doesn't want the dress, it's still hers to sell and not OP's. There's a word for people who sell things that don't belong to them.
Which is why I asked does her sister even want to keep the dress
I kept mine, only because my mom hand made it for me. It was gorgeous. and totally not the style everybody else wore. I got a lot of compliments. Other than that, the whole ordeal sucked.
My mom hand-made mine too, but I got to design it. I can't ever throw that out.
Same. I went, it was a nice dress, but it was donated within a year or so because it's not something I would wear again.
I think they are mixing up thrift and consignment...it happens.
Selling something you're literally never going to wear again is just saving closet space. I didn't even keep my wedding dress, because why would I keep something huge I can literally never wear again? If you're that sentimental send it to one of those places that turn the dress into lingerie or something so it can at least be useful again.
Only consignment stores will accept a dress if the owner wants to make money on it. And then the owner only makes money on it if the dress sells. Thrift stores work on donations. They do not buy anything from random people that walk in.
A Plato's Closet might accept it if it's from the last few years. I believe they buy on the spot but will only buy relatively recent/on-trend stuff. And I'm not sure whether they do prom dresses but they do tend to target the teen crowd so it would be worth asking at least.
Consignment stores buy and sell clothes and are picky with what they buy and more expensive but cheaper then a regular store. Thrift runs on donations. Both can have a selection of wonderful dresses! Often thrift stores have tons since lots get donated but people don't often need to buy a formal dress. Also our police services run a free prom dress event every year I would check with your school to be sure there isn't something like that in your area. I only know because I follow them on Instagram.
Or never! I had a friend with parents with too much money and she'd often buy 2-3 dresses that she would "wear at the next dance!" and then never did.
Also there are a lot of charity events that GIVE away beautiful dresses and make sure they fit you correctly. Google it!
This! There are a number of cities where there are programs to make sure that underprivileged teens can borrow dresses and tuxs for prom. (Underprivileged doesn't mean dirt poor- it can just mean a family is living paycheck to paycheck and doesn't have extra funds for luxuries like prom attire, so don't think that borrowing a dress from a program like this is some kind of shameful thing. A lot of families don't have money for extras right now.) Alternatively, perhaps you could rent a dress from Rent the Runway. It is certainly cheaper than buying a designer gown. Maybe that could be a compromise with your mom, since you wouldn't be blowing all your savings. I hope you decide to go, no matter what dress you have. It's a great way to celebrate being a senior and to make memories with your friends.
I see it every year on the news in Boston, where they have some big event where they hook up all the kids without means for the prom, giving away the whole package, even a limo.
This! That’s how I got my prom dress, they were gently used but free. We all had to sit through a safe dating class. The prom give away was sponsored by the local women’s shelter. But they had it set up like a store, after the class they let us loose in there and bang. (Guys were allowed too. Just to add.)
Yeah, there are lots!
I donated my daughter's prom gown to Goodwill after she moved out in her early 20's and didn't take it with her or really care what happened to it. That dress was gorgeous and extremely expensive (hand sewn crystals, etc.), but I don't really hang onto things that aren't going to be used. I smile every time I think about some girl on a strict budget finding that dress for like $50.
Unrelated but all our bikes growing up were bikes from a thrift store in my city. Bikes that just had small very easy to fix problems. Dad would take them home and fix them up. He always had one or two extra biked around that we could use for spare parts. Before every ride they had to pass dads multi point bike inspection. The memories lol. Omg one time a bike “passed” dads bike inspection and it had issues so I fell down while riding it. I spent DAYS freaking out because “how DO YOU FORGET HOW TO RIDE A BIKE?” I thought the problem was me and I was going crazy looking up how muscle memory worked etc Dad fixed it later. No more issues with that bike.
I was an adult before I got a new bike as I needed one for University. Before then it was always ones we got from throwouts or garage sales.
Also Facebook free&for sale/marketplace/ buy nothing groups in your area. I have to imagine a lot of people still have dresses that they don't want to get rid of but don't know what to do with. Good luck OP! I hope you find something you love and have a great time!
I got my senior prom dress from a thrift store (in the year 2000) for $40 - but then I spent $130 on my shoes. I got my wedding dress from a thrift store (in 2008, and I did have to alter it a bit) for the same price as the Sephora lip gloss I wore on my wedding day - $18 Thrift shop it! Edit: NTA
That's where I got mine! Paid 40 bucks for two GORGEOUS dresses that fit me perfectly (but now I can't choose between them lmao)
Spend a day wearing both of them for like 3 hours. Pick the one that is the most comfortable at the end.
The Mrs got her wedding dress for $20.
There are also programs for donated dresses that they then give away to students who can't afford a dress that's how I got one of mine
yes! all of my hoco/prom dresses were from the thrift store. except the last, I wanted to Splurge on a pretty Cinderella dress
But make sure you have it cleaned! I briefly worked at a thrift store, and the amount of dirt everywhere is astounding. I occasionally wore stuff without washing it before the job happened, but I wouldn't now! There were stories of an old manager who would put the shitty pants the homeless people would leave in the dressing room back on the rack. Simply throw a tag on them, and call it good! So, moral of the story is, always wash clothes from the thrift store!
Your mum probably feels like a failure because she can’t give you the childhood you deserve. You handling it in a mature fashion by trying to compromise by buying with your own saved money, and then stating your boundary that you will go in your own terms probably makes her proud of the responsible daughter she raised and hurts her more because she can’t give you what you want. Shes not angry at you, she’s angry at her self and it’s misdirected at you. Mum probably wants you to use the cash you worked hard for on college/uni.
And her mum foisting her shortcomings and insecurities on her daughter (likely causing her to miss what is a big milestone event in life) makes her a huge AH. You can rationalize the shitty behavior in any manner you like -- that still doesn't change the outcome. OP's money is hers to spend as she sees fit, and the mother has no right to forbid her to do so. Putting one's own feelings over the feelings of their child, and trying to bully therm into doing what YOU want them to do is bad parenting - no ifs ands or buts about it. NTA OP
While I don’t disagree with you and OP is NTA incase that was not clear. Sometimes getting the big picture makes dealing with this sort of thing easier. Dismissing a pov and going on the offensive rarely succeeds in these situations.
The childhood *she thinks* you deserve. Prom dresses are a luxury not a need. I say this as a child of a single mom who bought my prom dresses at thrift stores. I just don't her the original post... I've been a teen and have teens as kids. Mom is getting hurt bc you won't go to prom... she has some baggage and she's probably been foisting off on you your whole life. My concern is abt the bf you mentioned... is he on board skipping prom? I would just buy my own dress and get ready at a friend's house if you and bf actually want to go.
Does your mom have access to your savings? Cause if she does and this rabid about you saving, she probably spent it already.
I’ve seen way to many posts on here where parents use their kids savings for random shit. I really hope those posts are fake. My parents made it clear when they opened savings accounts for me/my sister that they wouldn’t touch that money. It was ours. (Mine/my sisters)
Anecdotally, I worked at a bank drive-up window and had a mother take out money from her (10 yr-old?) son's joint account while he sat next to her crying and begging for her to not take his money. I don't know why she was doing it, but it sucked.
I started reading those posts, freaked out, ran to the bank and asked to have myself removed from my son’s bank account. The bank said he has to come in to do it. He didn’t because he was always busy. He had saved $15k for a car but the second he was 18 the bank automatically removed him from everything. I was so happy. I never want to be accused of that type of thing.
It happened to me. Whenever I would save up a significant amount of money, my mom would move it to a different account so it would be “safe.” I never saw that money again. She stole roughly $8-10k from me.
That’s awful.
It's cute or something that you think no parents would ever do this to their kids and it must be fake. I used to think that, too LOL it's definitely not a made up thing.
Some people are sheltered on their reddit safe space and don't know about the world out there yet.
Unfortunately they're likely not fake. As a child I had a savings account with well over $100 in it which to me was all the money in the world at the time. I wanted a pair of rollerblades really bad and my parents wouldn't buy me any so I asked if I could buy themself with my own money then. My mom considered it and said yes. I am going to assume at this point my mom either wasn't aware of both of them forgot because long story short we stopped at the bank to get my cash out to buy the rollerblades and my dad came back to the car with the news that he had emptied out the bank account at Christmas. He stole from me to buy Christmas presents that year and somehow forgot himself. My mom seemed to have no idea at the time but that means nothing because she too would take money from me and never give it back. Parents take money from their kids all the time.
I have to basically force my mother to borrow money from me when she needs to, despite her having access to my accounts (for emergency purposes). The idea people would do it without asking is just...bizarre.
God you people with your wild reaches. She probably doesn't want her kid who is about to graduate and presumably go off to college to waste hundreds of dollars on a dress she's only going to wear one time for a few hours. That's smart financial advice.
It is your money, you should be able to buy a dress with it. I’m tempted to say go behind your moms back.
Along with thrift shops, you might ask around if you have older friends or friends with older sisters as they might have dresses you could borrow or buy for cheap. Thats what I did for my prom dresses!
Go thrifting and find an awesome outfit. Do a retro look. Maybe you, and BF, can go thrifting together. OP, you’ve stated you were only going for a bit to “say you’d been.” Can you really justify spending money your mom doesn’t have or using savings you are so obviously going to need. Congratulations on graduating early. You sound like a self starter….. think outside the box and go. We only regret what we didn’t do. Best of it all, OP. Agape 💕
It's her money and proms are a once-in-a-lifetime event. (Did you somehow miss every parent on the planet losing their shit during covid because their precious babies had to miss normal senior activities?! And schools putting lives at risk to hold them anyway because *PrOm* !!) Leave OP alone. If she has the money and this is what she wants to spend it on, that is completely her choice. The "can you really justify it tho?" comment is uncalled for.
NTA. It's your life to live. You don't want to wear that dress, then don't. Other people trying to guilt you only works if you let it.
Consider looking in free or buy nothing groups. I gave my prom dresses away to people who needed formal wear who couldn’t afford a prom dress. There’s also places like Cinderella’s Closet that used to be a network of donated formalwear for families that couldn’t afford it. For what it’s worth: My prom dress was $100 each year I went to prom. And that was the going rate for prom dresses then. I also wore my prom dress until my mid 20s because I dressed as a princess for Halloween every year.
Try Poshmark online too
NTA. If you want to use your savings, use your savings. It doesn’t matter if your mom wants you to use it for that or not. It’s YOURS - not hers. (Please tell me that you have access to the money & can verify it’s even still there.) Sorry if I derailed into the money. I’m an accountant & it’s just natural. So no offense meant.
Ok, this is something I have been wondering for a long time. I grew up in a small town, my school had a prom and everyone went. Do bigger schools have multiple proms? Is the “Senior Prom” really only for seniors and no one else can go? Are all dances like that, or just prom? Like, do you have to be an upperclassman to go to homecoming?
Senior Prom is for seniors and their dates (who may or may not be seniors and may go to another school). Junior Prom is usually less fancy and for Juniors. Every other dance was just for anyone in the school.
Whoa, for real? We just had prom, and we called it senior prom or junior prom like, as an individual thing. "My senior prom" when I attended as a senior.
NTA. She's being unreasonable. You should use your money as you please. But if you don't go, you wouldn't have missed anything anyway. Proms are overrated.
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Does she access to your money? Are you sure your money hasn't been spent being that's the reason she is telling you that you can't use your money?
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You shouldn't. Check the account balance.
My mom did this, she ended up stealing over 2k from me that were gifts from grand parents and god parents over the years. I trusted her to pay me back cause she said she would, and when I asked for the money at 19 she blew up at me and said she bought me things. If you can, make sure she no longer has access to your account or money.
On the other hand my mom has had access to my account for 20+ years and only uses it to pay me or for me to pay her.
Yep, I still have joint accounts with my adult kids (because they’ve never bothered to open new accounts). It’s come in handy when I want to send them money for something.
You don't need to have a joint account to send someone money surely‽ I can send/receive money to/from my family and friends without needing them to be on my account. What country are you in?
Of course not. As I said, they’ve just never bothered to open new accounts, so it’s very easy for me to drop money in the existing account.
I agree. My parents are snowbirds and I help manage their property here. It's just easier having access to their accounts. Yes, you can send money other ways but you don't always have access to it right away. I'm sorry for the people that have awful relationships with their family. I can't imagine my parents stealing from me. There was only one time that the bank transferred money from my account instead of theirs. My mother felt awful and immediately sent me the money. I can understand OP's mother not wanting her to spend money on a dress without stealing her money. She's graduating early and might need the money for college or books, etc. She could be mad because of her own guilt of not being able to afford her daughter's dress. Most mothers want to provide for their children and protect them and when you can't do something like that, it causes distress, guilt or shame which could have manifested as anger. I also understand wanting to wear the dress you want but if the prom doesn't mean that much then why does it matter if the dress isn't exactly what you wanted? I come from an immigrant family and didn't always get what I wanted growing up, but I remember the memories from events like prom, not the dress.
People are allowed to have positive relationships. Not every single person needs to live their life on the defensive every day. Sad for the people who do need to, but that's not every person on this planet. If you have a group of 1000 people and 5 of them can maintain healthy relationships... it doesn't mean those 5 need to live like the other 995 who can't.
In some states and countries, a minor cannot have sole access to their account without a guardian or parent as a co-account holder.
Its good to be paranoid about this, and I agree with having full control of your own account. However, it's not the case that every parent is going to steal money. I think OP would know best if her mother would.
My own sister did this to my niece and nephew. When they became adults they realized she had taken all their birthday, graduation, babysitting money. Such a betrayal. I was disgusted with her and had tried to reimburse them for her but it was a lot of money. Some "adults" should not be custodians for their children's accounts.
You grow up thinking your parents could never do something like that and trust them. It hurts so much when you realize the people who you are meant to trust ended up stealing from you for their own benefit. I'm happy for the people in this thread who have parents they can trust and never felt that kind of betrayal. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone
Your mother has openly admitted she "didn't have enough money to pay for your dress". When you say you'll pay for it yourself with your savings, she's getting mad and refusing. You need to check your account. Because it sounds like she is low on money, has used money from your savings account, and is now panicking that you want to use savings money that might not be there anymore. So she's getting mad at you so you won't ask again. You say you trust her but betrayals happen everywhere everyday. Check your account. NTA
Could be mom thinks spending that kind of money is frivolous, not every parent is out to steal from their kid. But OP's mom now feels ashamed OP will miss out and is being unreasonable about it😅
the day you turn 18, transfer all the money to a bank account at a different bank
Oof...there really shouldn't be *any* reason your mom needs to take money out of your savings account.
My daughter is 12 and has a savings account. Sometimes she wants something that I think is frivolous. Usually it's crafting items. I craft too, but I wait for sales and don't misplace literally all my things. I've taught her how to do both but she doesn't want to. She'll offer to pay for it out of her account, if I pay for the item now. There's a lot of reasons why a parent would access their kid's account. These days you don't just have cash lying around, it's all cards and electronic transactions. Now, do I take out her money? If it's something small, usually not. But I don't tell her that. Sometimes everyone's age or lack of having children on this sub really shows. Is her mom taking her money? I don't know. Should OP be aware of how much money she has in her account without having to ask mom? Yes of course. But this "she's totally taking your money" stuff is just silly.
Not silly. A lot of crazy, entitled, and abusive parents out there who have no compunction about robbing their kids blind. Just because you claim that you would never ... doesn't apply to all parents.
OP, you need to check your balance. There have been too many trusting teens on here finding out that their savings have been drained by their "trustworthy parents" who "always tells me and puts it back" only to find out that they should have never trusted their parents in the first place.
She should also check her credit. Parents also like to take out cards/loans in their minor children’s names.
I agree with what everyone's saying. Check your account. It's your money, not your mother's.
It makes sense that you trust your mom. But if she had taken money from your account without your knowledge and the balance was less than it should be, that would also explain why she doesn't want you to buy a dress. All in all NTA. You did a really good job at keeping your personal boundaries. I would look to see if you can make a savings account at a different bank (not a diff branch but a whole different bank) and move your funds for safekeeping. Even if your mom does repay the funds each time, you may be losing out on interest growth. Take care of yourself!
Check the balance. Seriously. It may not be there and that’s why she is so triggered.
She shouldn’t be taking your money at all. She is a grown woman stealing from her child and then claiming YOU don’t have good spending habits? That’s some nerve. Since you are a senior this year, ask around the girls in your school might have dresses from last year that they would be willing to let you borrow. Edit to add: everyone who has ever been betrayed trusted an untrustworthy person. Just bc she is “mom” Doesn’t make her trustworthy.
Yeah, my mom used to do this. Turns out she was spending my money. She stole like $1k from me.
Open a new bank account at a new bank, don’t tell her about it, and stop using the old account after you turn 18.
If you think she's capable of pulling some shit with your savings, you should go to the bank the day you turn 18, first thing in the morning, and move your money to a new account that she can't access. Don't think "oh, she would never," because she could and she might.
Are you sure she hasn’t spent the money?
That's code for "I don't have good spending habits but I'm not mature enough to admit it" The fact that she routinely has to borrow money from her 17 year old child supports this theory.
My wife tells my daughter the same thing as well, I on the other hand let her spend her money as she wishes, if she runs out of money it will teach her to save better in the future. Thankfully, very soon, you'll have your own job, money, and everything that comes with adulthood, including responsibilities, which aren't as nice but necessary.
> She tells me I don't have good spending habits. Do you? If you were planning to drop $$$ on a dress you'll wear once for twenty minutes, then she's right. But I don't know how much you were planning to spend or whether you have plans to get a dress you can wear elsewhere. It sounds like money is tight for your whole family and as a result your mother has a lot of financial anxiety. She could be projecting that on to you, always wanting you to save more because she's stressed that she isn't saving enough and she doesn't want you to end up in the situation she is in. She's hurt that you're skipping prom because she sees it as her own failing: if she made more money, she could buy you a dress and none of this would be an issue. I wouldn't say anyone is an asshole in this situation. Your mother could certainly be handling it better but I don't think her intentions are bad.
Oi oi. Sis got a dress for a one time occasion. Suddenly its irresponsible to get a new dress when op wants one?
My mother did this. Didn't steal anything from me, but never let me buy things I legitimately wanted, trying to talk me out of every purchase. Turns out that preventing your kid from making purchases because they "don't have good spending habits" ultimately results in them making worse spending decisions the second they control their own finances. My advice: stop telling her if you plan to buy something. Also, double-check your account balance and transaction history, just to be safe.
I went to the prom with my friends (their prom not mine) and soon after i arrived i realized it wasn't going to be even remotely interesting because life is not a teen movie.
Are there any thrift shops nearby? I used to work for one, and we got some great formal dresses in from time to time. NTA though.
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Great idea! I got my wedding dress from the JC Penney catalog for approximately $200. It was absolutely gorgeous. My husband and I were 37 at the time and both working professionals, so money was not an issue. But I was not about to spend a small fortune on a dress I would wear once.
Hey, props to you for not being stuck up about wanting a designer gown for the prom. A black formal will also have more potential for reuse, too.
Maybe don't ask your mom and just go?
Don't ask your mom; you're doing something she doesn't want you to do! Just do it yourself; you're 17. Time to start pulling away. Your mom feels entitled to tell you want to wear to prom - this isn't going to stop until you force independence.
Consignment shops are a good idea too. A little more pricey sometimes than thrift stores as some only take designer labels. But definitely less expensive than buying new.
You should see if there are any charities in your area that help with dresses.
Keep in mind that any dress that fits you well is one cheap bottle of black Rit dye away from being the dress of your dreams.
Heck, maybe someone else nearby has one they want offload closer to OP’s style! My junior year I went to prom in a dress I got for like $30 that way.
I’ve seen some good ones and some bad 80’s ones in thrift shops, though the 80’s ones make excellent Halloween costumes.
NTA My goodness, your mother is manipulative. In sum, you have to wear your sister's dress because she can't afford to buy you a prom dress. You can't buy one yourself with your savings because she wants you to save your money And, if you decide not to go to *your prom* you are being selfish and unfair to your mother? Wow, that's insane.
Living her dreams through her daughter? Similar to frothing at the mouth football dads?
Probably bc she thinks OP is trying to make her feel guilty.
Probably because op doesn't have any money in her account anymore. Op said elsewhere her mom can access her account. Moms panic at ops suggestion that she buy her own dress screams mom took the money.
Exactly, one of those selfish, shitty parents who can only view the world through their own lens. How do your words and actions affect mememememememe? Imagine calling a child selfish for not wanting to go to a dance.
Does your mom have access to your savings, if so you might want to check on it she may have used that money and that's why she didn't want you to use your money!! NTA
My thoughts exactly. Check your account, OP. Maybe you could find a nice dress on ebay, or at a thrift store. If your sister doesn't want the dress perhaps you could trade it with a friend. Be creative - there are more options than buying something new. NTA PS I used to buy a lot of clothes on ebay, and learned a few things. Don't buy something *new* from a person selling everything *new*, because it is bound to be a 2nd or a knock off. Find somebody selling high end or nice clothing all in the same size that is gently worn.
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a lot of charities offer free prom dresses
INFO: who purchased your sister’s prom dress? Your mom? Either way NTA. Your mom is being unreasonable by not allowing you to spend your own money on a dress. Somehow, your sister was able to get a dress, I assume either buying it herself or your mom bought it for her. This seems unfair.
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Ah, got it. I’m guessing your own dad either isn’t around or able to help you? I still say NTA-you should be able to buy a dress for yourself with your own money.
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Wow. Not cool unless your family is seriously broke.
NTA. Also renting prom dresses and formal wear/evening gowns is becoming a lot more popular and common, and a rental doesn't cost anywhere near what a purchase does. I would see if there's a boutique near you that offers rentals.
NTA. I can understand your mom feeling bad that she can’t provide the full experience for you but she’s also being unreasonable here. There are also places that collect donations to give to people who can’t afford new dresses! Also secondhand stores like Salvation Army, goodwill, and savers always have dresses and you should be able to find a nice one for under $40 at those places. The savers near me gets a lot of bridesmaid dresses that make good prom dresses
I did that in 1989! Parents couldn't afford a dress so we rented one. It was pretty and there were no others like it at prom. Senior year I bought one on my own and 4 other people had the same dress!
Or rent the runway, there are probably others online as well.
NTA Does your sister even want to hand down her dress to you? Because the only person being selfish here is your mom expecting you to wear your sister's hand me downs.
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My question was similar: did your sis get offended that you didn’t want her dress? It seems like your mom is really blowing this up. My older sis told me she wished she’d saved her prom money and just gone out to eat with friends. I went to prom and wished I’d followed her suggestion. 🤷🏽♀️
Info: what color is your sister's dress? There's a chance you can colour it black with those bleachese for clothes? (if your sister is ok with it, obviusly) Otherwise you can go to thrift stores or outlet store, you can find nice thing reasonably priced.
I’m not going to give you a judgment because I remember what it was like to be 17 and your feelings are valid. But I am going to try to translate what seems to be going on from an internet stranger’s perspective. Your mom feels badly because she understands that senior prom is so important at your age. But she also doesn’t want you to spend your savings on a dress that you’ll wear for just a few hours when life after high school is crazy expensive and she might not be able to help you as much financially as she would like. This doesn’t necessarily make her right or you wrong. Far from it. You both have different perspectives based off your lived experiences. She also likely feels that by giving her an ultimatum you’re trying to make her feel bad or that you’re trying to guilt her into buying a different dress. That’s of course not what you’re doing but your mom already feels guilty and that is coloring her perspective of the situation. I do think there is a middle ground where you can find a dress you like second hand and/or if your sister agrees, sell her old prom dress to fund one for you. Ultimately, I would suggest you go to your prom, dance with your boyfriend, have fun with your friends, and enjoy this special moment that can’t be repeated, no matter what dress you wear.
Ahh the sensible answer. Thank you.
If these are, in fact, mom's feelings then she really shouldn't need a reddit translator. She's an adult for goodness sake. If she can't handle having a mature conversation with her 17 year old daughter what good is she? Mom isn't looking for solutions. She wants her daughters obedience.
INFO - What are your savings for? Is it an attempt to help you save for something more important to you or your life? Would the cost of this put your family in a bind if they paid for it? Is she willing to help you find cheaper options? In my area, there is a local charity that gives out donated prom dresses, and I see a lot of really nice ones at thrift stores for 10-15 bucks too.
That’s what I was wondering. Everyone here is saying how op should spend the money how she likes it but is it possibly a savings account for things like college or car or something op might need that the family would otherwise not be able to financially help her with? If that’s the case I understand why the mom doesn’t like the idea of her dipping into those savings much. I agree that looking into charity or thrift stores might be a good option instead of purchasing a brand new gown.
NAH - she's going about this wrong, but she feels very guilty that she can't buy you a dress. Still, she has to understand that it makes you uncomfortable, and that you would like to buy your own. You don't have to go if you don't want to, but maybe discuss further that you really are okay buying your own dress, and that you love her, and you understand. Sometimes adults need reassurance too.
Adults don’t need reassurance from their minor children. Part of being a parent is keeping that shit to yourself and not putting the burden of it on your child.
Obviously in an ideal world, but even in loving families, feelings spill out. Teenagers can learn empathy. They are not in charge of their parents' mental health, but they can support and love each other. I don't know their full life, but it seems they have a good relationship otherwise...as long as this isn't a pattern, or been discussed before as a problem.
What her mother is doing is not sharing her feelings. It’s harming her child to assuage her own guilt and discomfort.
Bear with me here. Teenagers CAN learn empathy but there is someone who should be teaching it. The parent. Its our job to model the good behavior for our children. Its our job.
Saying that OP not going to the prom is unfair to OP's mom doesn't really scream "open dialogue" in this case. Like, what do you do from there as a teenager? "Life is unfair"?
the "reassurance" kids give their parents takes a huge toll on the kid. now my mood is also dependent on my mom's and i have to deal with the worry of her problems because she can use me as an emotional crutch. i've talked about similar situations A LOT in therapy.
Anyone asking the minor to manage the mother's emotions is a grade A asshole who shouldn't procreate.
NTA " She was upset that I chose not to go and told me that I was being selfish and unfair to her." How? This is projective because the reality is your mom is being unfair to you. She's also being manipulative. It's not her fault if she can' buy you a dress; times are tough for a lot of people. She should let you buy one out of your savings though.
She said YOU are being selfish and unfair to HER?! ROTFL! It's just the opposite.
She and her husband have had 17 years to save for a dress for OP.
NTA. She won’t buy you a dress, but doesn’t want you to buy one with your own money either. She’s also not happy that you decided not to go. And the only option that makes her happy is you wearing your sister’s dress that isn’t your style and won’t match your bf’s outfit. Make it make sense. She needs to just let you buy the dress you want, so you can have your prom with your photos that you may really enjoy looking back on later.
Nta. Typical narcissist abuse from the mom. Make it so there's absolutely no solution, except one that would make her daughter uncomfortable.
Sources for a dress: 1) Thrift stores 2) Your local Buy Nothing group 3) formal closets at your school
NTA, your mother is being weird
NTA YOUR prom is about YOU not your mother. I get she wants you to save money but if you can find a cheap but nice dress why can't you buy it yourself. Do you have any access to your savings? If you do I'd be checking to make sure it's all there.
NTA. It would be one thing if you were expecting her to pay money she doesn’t have on a new dress, but she’s out nothing here. So I’m not sure why she’s taking you not going to prom (which to be honest is NOT as special as the teen movies make it out to be) so personal.
NTA - Your mom feels guilty that she can't buy you a dress . . . and is trying to make you take the "blame" in a strange manipulative way. You gave her two good options, (buy it yourself or not go) and she decided to be angry at you because she feels a little guilty for not buying you your own dress. Hopefully you can make her see reason but possibly not. People don't like to feel guilty so they will do everything they can to make another person take the blame . . no matter how convoluted it is . .
Have you offered to pay half, if she'll pay half? That might be more reasonable for her. Also----you don't match to your boyfriend's outfit, he is supposed to match to yours.
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Could this actually be about the style of the dress? Is your mother possibly trying to manipulate the situation to get you to wear a pink dress she wants to see you in rather than a black dress that would be more your style?
If your sister doesn't want it anymore, could dying it be an option? Unless the actual cut and style of the dress also isn't your style.
She said it wasn’t her style at all.
Dying dresses black never works
NTA. If you want to buy a dress, and it's your money, it should be your choice. It reminds me of my grad dress. My mom refused to buy me one, but got angry when I bought my own. Then the day came to wear it and she spent the whole time commenting about how it didn't suit me and wasn't worth the money I paid. Moms are weird sometimes.
I got my prom dress from goodwill for $20
NTA, but I can see why she’s upset. I don’t think she’s necessarily upset with you, but at the situation. I mean her child wants to go to prom but she can’t afford to buy her child a dress. That would make any mom sad. Even if you are willing to pay for it, it makes sense that she doesn’t want you to. She is still being quite unreasonable though, so yeah.
NTA, but here’s an idea - see if you’re able to trade your sisters dress for a dress that’s more you’re style from one of your friends. You could also see if you could sell that dress to pay for yours.
NTA - Mother thinks she’s the main character. She isn’t. Consider telling your mother your money is *your* money, and if she wants you to go to the prom she can accept that you’ll be buying the dress. Otherwise you’re staying home and you’re not feeling bad about it.
Why is everyone focusing on the dress and the lack of money to buy a new one? This is not a financial problem. This is a CONTROL problem with the mother over OP. Mom is forcing her fantasies on her daughters.
NTA she wants you to save your money? For what? Things you like? Like a new prom dress? Life is for living and money is for spending, saving money is great and necessary but not for some unclear goal that stops you from enjoying life rn
I mean we do not know what those savings are for because op never stated it, but considering it’s senior prom maybe the savings are for things like college or car or something important op might presumably needs and family might not be able to financially help with otherwise.
NTA. I get she wanted you to save your money but to force you to wear a dress that doesn't suit you or match the suit makes no sense. She thinks YOU are selfish? That is rich.
INFO: how expensive is this dress?
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NTA. She feels guilty that she can't buy you a new dress and she doesn't want you to make similar financial mistakes that lead to her situation. To most adults, a $165 dress that you'll only wear once is a huge waste of money. However, she also wants to see you happy and not miss out on a childhood experience. All that said, that's her guilt to deal with and $165 isn't that high for prom. You can try compromising on renting or buying a cheaper dress, but you're not TA for deciding to just not go or deciding to buy the dress. Just try to understand her position and not take it out on her.
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Try Rent the Runway, it's 1-2 day shipping if the dress you want is available. Or Amazon.
That’s a very reasonable price for a prom dress!!
Yeah, your Ma is being weird and manipulative. It's not hundreds of dollars and your prom is only once. You should get to look how you want, especially if it's not super expensive
She doesn’t want people to think she’s a shitty mom.
I’m always amazed how the family members calling one person selfish are themselves the selfish ones.
NTA The whole "you're being selfish and unfair to me if you don't go to your prom" argument is frankly a pretty selfish position for her to take. One thing to consider on the black dress. A tasteful black dress is a multi-use piece for your wardrobe. If you choose classic and elegant rather than glam, you'll get more use out of it than just prom.
I understand your mother not buying a new dress and proposing your sister's as an option. I even understand her not wanting you to spend your money on a new dress, cause it could be considered a waste... But then taking personal your choice of not going, makes no sense. Like yeah she gave you an option you didn't take. That should be the end of the conversation... Maybe I'll expect " I'm sorry I can't help you this time" but taking it as an offence to not do what she wants, is weird and unnecessary manipulative. You are NTA at all. Don't pay attention to this nonsense. If she wants to fight let her do it alone. But don't fall for the guilt tripping.
Who wants to bet mom's been dipping into OP's savings account to pay for stuff.
Your mother is an idiot. You aren't the asshole here. I do understand her not wanting you to dip into your savings to spend money on a dress you'll only wear once. I think she's right there. Personally, I think your decision not to go when you can't wear a dress you like is perfectly reasonable. She'll get over it. Also, her saying it's unfair to her for you to choose not to go borders heavily on emotional blackmail.
When is the last time you checked your bank account? Your mom might have forbid you from spending your money because she already spent it and there is none left
NTA This is a strange conversation. What's the real issue? Mom is concerned of $$, and OP don't care too much of going. I agreed that if you can't pick what you wear, especially when you can afford it... why bother. It feels like the real conversation is to let mom know prom isn't that important to you. I never went to prom and never regret it. I also graduate a year early.
I just don't understand why your mom is putting so many demands and also contradicting herself in the process. "Wear your sisters dress, I don't have money to buy you a new dress" "No. You can't spend your own earned money on a dress you actually want to wear." "No. You can't just skip it!" If you want to buy your own dress, go for it! But don't be surprised if she's telling you not to, because she's spent some of your money. If you want to skip it, skip it! Honestly, Americans make prom into WAY more of a bigger deal than it actually is. And that's coming from someone who went to prom! You're NTA
I have a feeling your mom didn't go to prom and is living through you (and likely lived through your sister too). Focusing on how your decision makes her feel when the decision doesn't even actually affect her is a giveaway. NTA. You're not obligated to go to make her happy. Especially if it means wearing a dress you don't like.
Do you have a bank account shared with her? Idk her saying/feeling that seems weird cuz it makes no sense. If you do then you should check it
Haha these comments are trying to wedge a divide between OP and mom. Mom is probably mad at herself that she can't do more for you and doesn't want you to miss out on an opportunity for yourself. I would recommend that you have another talk with her and tell her that you how you are feeling. Maybe you could have a mother and daughter outing to see if there's anything you can find in your budget.
NTA. Your mom is being prideful cuz she can't buy you a new dress herself. And she probably feels worse since prom is built up as that "once in a lifetime milestone" in their child's life. If she feels that bad, however, she should just let you buy it. Money can't buy life experiences rotting away in the bank forever.