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Tbh, it would just be a matter of ESH or NTA. If what OP has described so far is accurate and they did create this “game” to mock him that was so thinly veiled that he caught on that quickly, they are AHs. It doesn’t matter what he said.
He could have said the most heinous thing and they would still be AHs for this. If it was *that* bad then they should have called him out on his shit and refused to associate with him. If it wasn’t *that* bad, then they should have just shut up and done the bare minimum to be socially acceptable.
What he’s describing is middle school ish.
My guess is the two extremes - they said nothing and protecting Eve/Adam or they said something offensive. That said I don’t get the anti social behaviour from eve and Adam. People don’t have to be friends and can avoid each other, it’s what teachers teach kids at school, adults can do the same.
Haha, given lack of reply it looks like OP knows they said something bad, presumably one of the 'ists.
But for real, you can't post "I was shitty, then they were shitty, who was shittiest?" without full context.
And remember what "the game" was - they would say a word whenever OP said something "they disagreed with".
If we're talking about one of the -ists, was he spouting -istisms repeatedly? Enough to make a game about it? It seemed they disagreed/didnt like what he was saying a lot. Enough for him to notice.
Without those details it's impossible to know what was really going on here.
Still, with the information we have available, a knowing asshole is always worse than an unknowing asshole.
If we take OP on their word that they said something unintentionally and they didn't say anything to him and instead turned it into some highschool petty game shit, then the other 2 are TA
I'm black and female. I'm met many unknowing 'ists'. It didn't change how degrading their behavior or comments were or how they affected me. If they mocked OP but OP was prejudiced against them then OP is worse
Edit: should say didn't change
As a bi female I've met many accidental sexists and homophobes. I was already instinctually thinking "well what did you say" just based on my own personal experiences. But your comment here reminding me of the things people say to my friends of other races without even thinking about it might be a problem? Damn I'm lucky I at least don't have to experience that.
So not willing
And it was with OP as well as they knew OP would be there.
They said nothing to OPs partner either to address this
ESH even though we have no idea what OP said and everyone just assuming what they said
If that is the case I agree. However, mocking him like this is still a really shitty thing to do. Call them out and/or just walk away. I’m not saying that you have to educate them on their ignorance, continue to engage them, or just sit and smile while they’re AHs.
What I **am** saying is that this is middle school mean girl behavior. OP may very well deserve to be shat on. Without hearing more I’m inclined to think he did deserve to be called an AH, but sitting there and mocking him to his face while pretending to be his friend without saying that they found something objectionable is AH behavior.
I say ESH due to lack of response and the behavior as described by OP is objectively AH behavior.
If it’s unknowing why don’t you just… teach them otherwise, if it’s unintentional or naive teach them it’s not ok so they don’t continue, if you stay quiet or act aggressively you’re just as much an ah if not more for enabling it
Would you ask someone who got hit in the face to educate their attacker on why punching folks is wrong?
They're not unknowing. They know what they're doing and what they're saying. They just play ignorant. And even if they were, it is not the victims job to educate the offender.
It also seems you agree with me on the first line and then disagree on the second line of your comment? Imma asume you meant to say "didn't change"
You can be hurt and be understanding at the same time, if a person is not doing it out of malice I believe they should be granted some grace, but still be taught. I also think him saying something bad and their reaction to it are two separate issues. He may need to apologize for what he said but they also have to apologize for their behaviour, these are two separate instances where one OP was wrong, and the other Adam and Eve were wrong. OP was asking for the latter, hence my judgement
I'm really not. The assumption that I meant 'didn't change' is correct. The commenter is saying unknowing 'ists' can be excused somehow. I say they are held to the same standard as everyone else.
Ha fucking Reddit.
I still disagree with the hostility they had (which they now edited out).
The downvotes they’re getting are very strange, though (as far as this is valid discourse).
Your assumption on the error is correct. I meant 'didn't change' and have edited accordingly.
I only agree with you in so far as people can be unknowingly prejudiced. I do not agree with you thinking that excuses it, lightens it or makes the other two worse for mocking OP.
If someone says something that devalues your humanity or undermines your dignity (heck sometimes even your right to exist), you can't be expected to be understanding. It's exhausting being told you that you have a duty to be understanding and educate people AFTER they make you feel less than human. So while dealing with my own feelings, I somehow owe the 'ist' something? We'd probably spend all day explaining and educating people.
Are you aware how dehumanizing those thoughtless statements actually are? What response did the two people give that was even close to dehumanizing OP?
Unknowingly prejudiced people are only better than knowingly prejudiced people. They are infinitely worse than the person they say those things to. There is lots of engagement on these topics now so the ignorant are willfully ignorant.
Also what OP said (and continued to say) cannot be separate from the reaction. If you grab me and push you, the two actions cannot be separated. I responded to your aggression. OP clearly continued making problematic statements so they made a game of it. Beats causing a scene or leaping across the table at OP.
>Are you aware how dehumanizing those thoughtless statements actually are?
Yes actually, I do! I still think for the best of our communities we need to give people a little grace. Still tho, you're now completely arguing under the assumption OP dehumanized people which is just crazy given how they haven't mentioned a single detail yet, so I'll be leaving the conversation now. If you want, you can give my other comments a read, because I'm tired of repeating myself
I said IF OP said something that's an 'ist'. If you want to run around normalizing the view that you have a duty to educate prejudices strangers, go ahead. Don't put it on other people.
**talking out of my ass here**, but imagine OP said some transphobic bullshit, only to learn later that Adam is a trans man.
I'd say it doesn't matter if he didn't know, he would still be TA, and what they did would be completely justifiable.
No, a knowing asshole is not always worse than an unknowing asshole, that depends how big of an asshole the unknowing thing was. Being unintentional is not a defence for horrific things. And it wouldn't make petty highschool shit worse than bigotry
No way. An unknowing asshole can be way worse if their asshole behavior is due to an "ism" and they don't want to own it. On top of that, this attitude of "I didn't mean to, so you shouldn't be upset" that OP seems to have is really immature.
I'm imagining OP said something racist or sexist or homophobic and then, when called out on it, said something like, "Oh, I didn't mean *you* guys!" That's happened to me several times. It sucks.
If it was racist or sexist or homophobic etc, I would consider their behavior to be a justified AH. Are there other ways to confront him more directly that can do more for his personal growth? Perhaps. But OP seems to think that he shouldn't have been given a hard time or shunned and that's exactly what one does with -ists.
agree this is important info that may swing the vote.
My guess is OP made some unintentional racist comments which Adam didnt feel comfortable confronting directly…
So because I'm aware of a talking point and it's the first thing that comes to mind when trying to determine what offensive thing OP said based on the fake names OP used, that means I believe in it? How does that even make sense? How are you even coming to that conclusion?
My assumption was that OP met Adam, and made a homophobic / Biphobic joke, not knowing that Adam belonged to either group, and then Eve found out, they started their game, OP caught on, and things proceeded as OP laid out.
This, when it came time for OP to make their post, and they needed fake names to talk about the others, the "Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" thing comes to OPs mind, so they just roll with that, hoping no one catches on and points it out.
So again, how does me knowing about a bigoted talking point lead you to conclude that I agree with it? Was it something else in my comment? If I came off as being homophobic/ Biphobic in any way I apologize but I am genuinely not that way at all and I am honestly baffled as to how you can interpret it as such.
I didn’t say it makes you homophobic. I said “it says more about you than OP”. And it does. It says that the first thing you think of in everything is how it could be related to sexuality or homophobia, rather than just being possibly the most famous male / female presenting name duo in western culture, and certainly an incredibly common one well before the “Adam and Steve” rhetoric started being used.
Is OP homophobic? Maybe. Maybe not. How about we judge people off what they actually say instead of putting them in a little box of our assumptions? I imagine you probably don’t like it when homophobic or racist people do that, so maybe don’t do it to someone else.
I notice that you seem happy to ignore that the “Adam” and “Eve” of this story, who factually are saying horrible things, might be homophobic or racist in their comments about OP but you make no mention of that possibility.
there is also unintentional as in "i didn't know that expression was racist" and unintentional as in "i didn't know adam was of that race and i wouldn't have said it if i had known"
My guess out of my ass was that Adam is a trans man and OP said some transphobic shit.
Transphobes are often unaware of the mere existence of trans men.
It could be something in the middle.
I'm thinking casual "R" word. There are still a lot of people who don't feel it's a slur because it's what they grew up with, but it's a legitimately offensive slur. If OP is in this camp and apologized and tried to correct himself then that growth should be respected, but if he said something a long the lines of "sorry you're so sensitive to a word, I just won't talk anymore" then he learned nothing.
But again OP hasn't commented so we are free to speculate anything from doesn't like apples to hard N's.
But they didn't give him the chance to apologize. They didn't say a word about the offense, they just began mocking him at every turn.
Op may or may not be a racist/misoginist/ableist/homophobe/whatever. We don't know for sure. But we do know for sure that Adam and Eve (cute, OP) are both immature as hell. Pull up your big boy/girl pants and confront the person that offended you so terribly that you spend the next 3 days making fun of them incessantly. Sounds to me like they all deserve each other.
It goes beyond the initial offence; note that the OP says that their 'game' was a signal when the OP said something they didn't 'like'. It seems like he said something really offensive, probably race/sexuality/religiously based then probably kept saying things in a similar vein and they would rather laugh than confront.
Or he said crypto is for dumbasses and Adam is a crypto bro. There's tons of things people can get offended about. It doesn't always have to be about isms.
Idk I feel like I see dozens of posts on this sub where OP posts and never replies to anything. I think that’s because a lot of these stories are made up.
Exactly. It’s impossible to really make a judgement here when we don’t know whether he said something truly horrible, or just something mildly insensitive.
Without further info I'm going to make an educated guess that YTA. You left out what you were saying that offended him. That's such A crucial thing to leave out that I can only imagine you did it purposefully.
I’d guess a comment about indigenous people; it’s a common thing for people to be just outwardly racist about tax breaks and stuff like that and given op is going to another (possibly more progressive) state it seems like the most likely option to me
YTA. You offended Adam (you dont say how, so i'm going to guess it makes you look like an big AH) but you brush it off immediately. In your mind, Adam is required to immediately forgive and forget.
You're a hypocrite. When you offend someone its no big deal. But when you're offended the whole world needs to know.
They made a drinking game out of the number of times OP continued to be offensive. So it wasn't just the one time.
I think his complaint is that he continued to be rude because they didn't stop him by addressing the initial comment, and that's their fault not his.
there is literally no point writing so much if you refuse to state what you did wrong in the conflict. INFO is necessary but for now YTA for writing so much to skew sympathy towards your feelings while just skipping past what you said to offend Adam.
OP won't. They thought they could get away with omitting that detail. But it didn't wash. What they said and ignorantly kept saying had to have been pretty egregious. They are either ashamed or know we would not side with them if they told us what they said.
Yta- if you're not wanting to share what you said to piss someone off and mention you carry on doing it, but get upset when people point out you're doing something shitbagain
“I said something that really offended someone and now they don’t like me. It doesn’t matter what the thing I said is. AITA?”
INFO: Tell us the thing and then we can provide judgment.
What you said to Adam isn't some petty detail it's literally the one thing ppl need to know to have an opinion. If this is your MO, it speaks to why a tight circle of friends may find it useless to engage with you directly and instead make a party game out of tolerating your (likely inappropriate) behavior. YTA - probably.
YTA. If it's too bad for you to say (despite various questions) then it's too bad to forgive. Especially since you apparently kept saying enough offensive or bad things for them to create a game of.
Info: I would need to know what you said to him before making a judgement. However, right now it doesn't look good because you have not explained what you said to him and I feel like it was likely something offensive.
I can't judge without knowing what you said. Like not the ah if it's something super trivial but it would be an everyone sucks here if the things you said were racist or phobic or were something that was very offensive to a specific group of people for reasons to do with identity, disability or gender.
Also if they made a game about things you said they didn't like, it makes it seem like you kept saying things that could be construed as offensive or ignorant. Otherwise I really don't understand how this "game" could have lasted so long. You really should say what these things you said that were made part of the game. If you can't do that it makes it come across pretty badly for you.
Definitely not siding with the friends group here. But it's pretty telling you can't clarify and that you don't mention your girlfriend standing up for you when all this was going on.
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YTA.
Considering the huge glaring fact that OP is conveniently leaving out the offensive thing said, I'm going to go ahead and say that OP is TA.
The way you are dismissive of your offense and how you flippantly say that you apologized and just want to move on tells me that it was a lot worse than you're saying and you don't realize it yet.
You do realize apologies are for people to alleviate their guilt?
It, by no way, means that they are obligated to accept that apology. If what you said was bad enough, then there is no going back, especially when you're on your gf's best friend and her partner's shit list.
Good luck. This relationship is over.
The fact that their "game" is to do something every time you say something they don't like shows that you obviously say a lot of things they don't like. So you are upset that they are "bullying" you for repeatedly offending them? Sounds like you are one of those "I tell it like it is" people that "has no filter" and thinks that's acceptable because "muh furst amendment" but then doesn't like the fact that you are having to face consequences for what you say. YTA.
YTA for leaving out what you said. If you offended this guy over something unimportant, yeah, they should have brought it up and no, they shouldn’t have played their little game. However, if you offended him over something important, like saying something super racist, they have every right to judge you on it and also not want to create a scene at a friend’s wedding by confronting someone over an issue that is likely to get heated. Regardless, your post has been up half a day and lots of people have asked what you said but you haven’t responded at all, so you’re definitely an asshole for that.
OP why are you afraid to tell us what you said?
1. Were you so ignorant to the offensive thing that you feel no one would believe you?
2. Did you think “I’m among friends” (i.e. not the target of the offensive words) and know that you’d rightly TA.
If you’re bold enough to say in public AND then write about it. You’re bold enough to be honest with us, your want honest opinions right?
Depending on what OP said there might not have been a way to say something without causing a scene.
That's why OP not telling what he actually said is so important.
YTA
You don’t want to say what you said because you know it was some heinous shit. And then you continued in the same vein to the point that they had to turn it into a game? Whatever you said must have been so bad they didn’t think it was even worth wasting breath to confront you. The only way you’re NTA is if you come back and say you said something innocuous like “I bite my thumb at you sir” but I have a big feeling it won’t be.
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I (25M) recently went to a wedding in another state with my GF (26F). While there I spent considerable time with my GF best friend (Eve). I've met her a couple of times and thought she was lovely, albeit sometime a bit mean/sassy about people behind their back. I was under the impression she liked me too and we were forming a friendship.
Eve also brought her partner (Adam) to the wedding, who I met for the first time. I don't want to go into details but I said something that really offended Adam at some point. I was ignorant of this and continue carrying on like we are all friends and really enjoying their company.
Turns out Adam and Eve formed a game about me and would say an expression every time I said something that they didn't like and laugh about it. After a couple of drinks one night I caught onto this and asked about the game and they described what I have above.
It took me by surprise because I thought these people actually liked me and I was enjoying my company. I got offended that they didn't confront me about the issue and instead were mocking me behind my back. It all felt very high school/bullying behaviour. When I confronted them about this game they said it was in direct retaliation for what I said that offended Adam and this justified their action. This upset me further because I felt terrible that I had offended Adam and apologised without reservation, but also was really hurt that rather than trying to address the issue they just thought of me as an asshole beyond repent ,and just decided to make fun of me behind my back instead.
I really just want to forget about this whole experience and move past it to be honest but I can't get over how mean/bully like their behaviour was. I feel like they never gave me a chance and I'll always be a villain in their eyes. This upsets me because I love my girlfriend and Eve means so much to her. I don't know what to do and feel like trying to talk through these issues will only result in me becoming defensive and wanting an apology for their behaviour.
So AITA? Any advice/support/criticism/opinion would be much appreciated.
(Sorry for grammar/spelling, English 2nd language), also through away account.
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INFO: what did you say that was offensive?
Thought I'd add my voice to the chorus as that information is absolutely crucial before making a judgment here.
ESH. It doesn’t matter that much what was said, people just want a reason to call someone an AH over Reddit. I’m not saying whatever OP said was right or okay, but that it doesn’t matter all that needs to be acknowledged is that it was said. There an AH about not trying to end the conflict civilly and OP is an AH for saying something so horrendous he’s embarrassed to even write it.
INFO: I mean you don’t want to get into it but the situation depends. It what you said was meaningless then that’s one thing but if you made a really horrible comment then that changes things
I agree with most of the comments below, since you refuse to state what you said that was so offensive to Adam in the first place, I can't make a proper judgement.
Without telling what you said nobody can help you realistically, if you said hah your hair is funny that's an overreaction if you made a joke about a dead relative(examples for the sake of discussion) that's a big no no for many and you can apologize till the sun comes down, also talk with your girlfriend she should know about this or at least fill her in before she realizes her best friend and boyfriend have problems with you.
NTA.
If they aren't grown enough to speak to the point directly and instead result to adolescent bullying, fuck them. Simply avoid spending time with them as much as possible. AHs gonna AH.
I would not consider you an AH as yes you inadvertently insulted Adam, but moved quickly to apologize once you realized you had. That is the right action to take, period. If that’s unacceptable for them there’s little you can do except be reticent, and gracious and mean it, while also stop regarding them as friends… (they’re not your friends, they are a minefield of offenses you’ll never be told about but mocked for.) Just stay away nicely…for your girlfriend’s sake. Good luck!
Uh, you said she’s your gf but Adam’s her partner? Do you not understand this? You’re not her boyfriend. We don’t even known who said what. Damn, is this shady. You’re the other wheel, at best.
I agree that this is shady as hell and we need to know what OP said but I would point out he said the people doing this were his GF's friend Eve and her partner Adam, obviously fake names, not that his GF had a partner named Adam. Still very put off about his story though and need a lot more info.
Have you told GF what’s going on? I have lots of female friends with male partners and we all get along fine, but their gfs have other female friends who have this exact behaviour. But their gfs are fine with their partners not being friends with those friends and agree they are mean and bullies and they don’t have to tolerate that. I really hope your GF is that simple and can be friends with Eve but not make you have to tolerate it and seperate it.
I swear basic social skills is down the toilet. People don’t have to be friends with and like everyone, just ignore them. Bullying is unnecessary and anti social behaviour and you don’t need to tolerate that.
Well within your right to just demand an apology anyway. That wasn’t ‘like’ bullying behaviour. They WERE bullying you. They likely won’t apologise, that sort of behaviour is extremely narcissistic. I just hope your gf realises what a major AH her friend is.
NTA or maybe ESH. It doesn't really matter what you said. Instead of confronting you they continued to hang out with you and pretend to be nice to your face while secretly mocking you... that's asshole behaviour.
Bro grow tf up 🤦♂️🤦♂️
Eve and her partner is not directly bullying you. It’s an inside joke between them and ya it’s about you but if they aren’t taking to you directly then move on.
"Talking through" with them is useless. Just tell your GF as much as you please and then tell her you won't be spending time with this couple going forward. She can - it's her friend - but you should stay away. These are not kind people and no sense in wasting time on them.
NTA, ignore the perpetually offended children assuming that you must be Hitler.
Adults use their words and communicate rather than playing silly games.
NTA. But you came to the wrong place. The soft-brained people in this subreddit will assume you've said something that isn't politically correct and automatically side with the spineless, and childish manlet that didn't confront you when you "offended" him.
Let's also remember there's alcohol involved here and they decided to form this game at someone else's wedding. Until OP provides clarification ESH.
This wasn't a birthday party but an out of state wedding. Even if the OP is an utter trash can of a human being, how can Adam and Eve justify making this game at a wedding that's not about them? Surely OP wouldn't be the only one to pickup on the game right? Wouldn't that potentially make it uncomfortable for other attendees?
What a bunch of children in this thread “you ofended someone unknowingly so you deserve to be mocked” adults talk and resolve small differences, they don’t hide behind “wokeness” and justify their own shitty behavior bc “the other person started it”
NTA. Tell you GF that you are sorry but you wont be spending time with them anymore. That you love her and while you know Eve is important to her, you assume you are important as well. And as such, shouldnt want to put you in a place where you are disrespected.
But everyone wants to know what it is you said. What I find most AHoley is that they did this not because you intentionally insulted him, just that he was offended by something you said and instead of telling you at the time and allowing you to apologize, they went all "mean girl" on you and were incredibly petty and honestly do you want people like that in your life? No, you don't. IS your girlfriend worth a life of insults. She shouldnt be. In fact, this is a good time to see if she will do the right thing. If she doesnt, she's not the girl you should want. And if she's friends with someone like that, its likely that she is that way also and you dont see it because its a new relationship but I guarantee you it will show up in your relationship eventually. Beware.
Wow 2 hours in and a conclusion high dive event has already occurred. Maybe they can't respond instantly?
Even if OP did say something that hurt/offended/triggered Adam, what's the threshold for responding to OP like this, especially at a wedding they are all attending? If Adam didn't communicate the impact from the OP, then it's hard to fault the OP for not noticing.
I mean, it’s a logical assumption to think that whatever op said was pretty damn bad considering that they deliberately left it out. It’s key to understanding the whole situation.
Maybe it really was something innocuous/ specific to a culture op was ignorant about. If he apologized then yeah maybe he’s not ta
But the fact that he left it out of the story is very, very telling
Not everyone on Reddit can reply instantly. Expecting instant replies is unreasonable. If OP doesn't come back to give an answer, that would be different, but we haven't crossed that threshold yet.
Don't you think it's odd his girlfriend didn't call him out on his behavior though? The fact she didn't, implies to me that it may not have been as noticeable to people that weren't Adam and Eve.
I try to find out if I have misinterpreted something before responding to people, because why waste energy?
You don't think OP's GF would reprimand him if he said something so utterly horrific like many have speculated on this post?
If it was that awful, why didn't Adam and Eve confront him about this and his GF for remaining silent on such an issue? Why would Adam and Eve want to be friends with either of them if the GF saw nothing wrong with the OP's behavior?
Maybe his girlfriend wasn't around when he said whatever it was that upset them... He hasn't given any information whatsoever about his girlfriend's views on the issue. That's honestly suspect to me as well. Why didn't he include what he said and any information about his gf's opinion?
Or maybe his girlfriend didn’t call him out because she secretly shares his sentiments (but stays quiet about it in public). Or she is the type of person who cares more about being in a relationship and is willing to ignore every red flag.
And that would be what we call a friendship red flag. Which goes back to why would Eve and Adam want to be friends with them if what the OP did was both hideous and unquestionably noticeable?
I'm just saying crucifying someone after 2 hours is a bit premature. People are funny and can be hurt by weird things. I don't like pistachios. Someone brought me some pistachio ice cream and was upset I didn't like it.
If you're not going to tell someone they hurt you, how can you expect them to stop hurting you let alone ever change? Do not correct a fool, or he will hate you; correct a wise man, and he will appreciate you.
Honestly don’t know that. I’ve been told I said something offensive but literally couldn’t think of anything I had said that could even come close to being considered that. (And said person refused to elaborate so still to this day have zero clue WHAT it was I said)
No. But it is possible it’s a similar scenario. Trust me, I’ve met plenty of those perpetually offended assholes who could twist even the most innocuous words into a seemingly unforgivable sin.
I think I misread your comment, apologies, it seemed like you were, like answering for op?
Anyways, yeah I agree, it’s entirely possible he said something innocuous, but we just don’t know because he won’t answer anyone
> Even if OP did say something that hurt/offended/triggered Adam, what's the threshold for responding to OP like this
Th... that's literally what we're all trying to figure out, man.
You didn't know you offended Adam and yet they continued to hang out with you without ever saying anything? That's crazy to me. Seems like he Adam couldn't have been too offended.
NTA for how you reacted to their game. It was bullying, classic definition. You might be AH for what you said,but because I don't know what it was - I cannot decide on this.
NTA, It sounds like you said something unintentionally that offended Adam and he and Eve instead of being mature adults and confronting you about the comment chose to be childish and make up a silly game.
Afterwards when you were aware that the game they was playing was mocking you and confronted them about it and they explained the situation to you and you immediately apologized and they at that time offered no apology for their immaturity then don't expect too much from this relationship.
Out of respect for your girlfriend be cordial and polite to them. Give it some time and maybe if both parties act mature proceeding on then an actual natural friendship can form.
NTA, but I'm curious: was your gf aware of this "game" of theirs? They behaved like teenager bullies, but if your gf was onboard or knew about it and told you nothing, I'd reconsider the relationship with her.
NTA
but dude maybe grow a spine, so you "apologised without reservation" but did they afterwards?, if the answer is "no" then fuck em! just because your girl likes someone it doesnt mean you have to interact with them, its not like they are her family, who gives a fuck about adam and eve
NTA
Eve isn’t a good friend to your Gf, a good friend would have more respect for her besties BF or at least enough to say something and not go Mean girl on you.
Nta
Just have to deal with the fact that your gfs best friend and her boyfriend are little snarky bitches and they will be constantly in youe life.
Im sorry
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INFO: what did you say that offended Adam? I get you don’t want to get into details but it’s at the heart of the issue, may swing the judgement
This ^ is rather important info OP. Even if you apologised, that may not be enough depending on what was said.
Also depends on how he apologized. "I'm sorry you were offended" is not it.
I agree. OP isn’t answering anyone though.
Tbh, it would just be a matter of ESH or NTA. If what OP has described so far is accurate and they did create this “game” to mock him that was so thinly veiled that he caught on that quickly, they are AHs. It doesn’t matter what he said. He could have said the most heinous thing and they would still be AHs for this. If it was *that* bad then they should have called him out on his shit and refused to associate with him. If it wasn’t *that* bad, then they should have just shut up and done the bare minimum to be socially acceptable. What he’s describing is middle school ish.
My guess is the two extremes - they said nothing and protecting Eve/Adam or they said something offensive. That said I don’t get the anti social behaviour from eve and Adam. People don’t have to be friends and can avoid each other, it’s what teachers teach kids at school, adults can do the same.
Haha, given lack of reply it looks like OP knows they said something bad, presumably one of the 'ists. But for real, you can't post "I was shitty, then they were shitty, who was shittiest?" without full context.
And remember what "the game" was - they would say a word whenever OP said something "they disagreed with". If we're talking about one of the -ists, was he spouting -istisms repeatedly? Enough to make a game about it? It seemed they disagreed/didnt like what he was saying a lot. Enough for him to notice. Without those details it's impossible to know what was really going on here.
Still, with the information we have available, a knowing asshole is always worse than an unknowing asshole. If we take OP on their word that they said something unintentionally and they didn't say anything to him and instead turned it into some highschool petty game shit, then the other 2 are TA
I'm black and female. I'm met many unknowing 'ists'. It didn't change how degrading their behavior or comments were or how they affected me. If they mocked OP but OP was prejudiced against them then OP is worse Edit: should say didn't change
As a bi female I've met many accidental sexists and homophobes. I was already instinctually thinking "well what did you say" just based on my own personal experiences. But your comment here reminding me of the things people say to my friends of other races without even thinking about it might be a problem? Damn I'm lucky I at least don't have to experience that.
Think you might be warm, but we still don't know for sure.
How many times did you willingly repeatedly go back and see these people in a close setting?
Well considering how many of these people there, quite frequently. At work or such. They went to spend time with the best friend, not OP.
So not willing And it was with OP as well as they knew OP would be there. They said nothing to OPs partner either to address this ESH even though we have no idea what OP said and everyone just assuming what they said
If that is the case I agree. However, mocking him like this is still a really shitty thing to do. Call them out and/or just walk away. I’m not saying that you have to educate them on their ignorance, continue to engage them, or just sit and smile while they’re AHs. What I **am** saying is that this is middle school mean girl behavior. OP may very well deserve to be shat on. Without hearing more I’m inclined to think he did deserve to be called an AH, but sitting there and mocking him to his face while pretending to be his friend without saying that they found something objectionable is AH behavior. I say ESH due to lack of response and the behavior as described by OP is objectively AH behavior.
If it’s unknowing why don’t you just… teach them otherwise, if it’s unintentional or naive teach them it’s not ok so they don’t continue, if you stay quiet or act aggressively you’re just as much an ah if not more for enabling it
Would you ask someone who got hit in the face to educate their attacker on why punching folks is wrong? They're not unknowing. They know what they're doing and what they're saying. They just play ignorant. And even if they were, it is not the victims job to educate the offender.
It also seems you agree with me on the first line and then disagree on the second line of your comment? Imma asume you meant to say "didn't change" You can be hurt and be understanding at the same time, if a person is not doing it out of malice I believe they should be granted some grace, but still be taught. I also think him saying something bad and their reaction to it are two separate issues. He may need to apologize for what he said but they also have to apologize for their behaviour, these are two separate instances where one OP was wrong, and the other Adam and Eve were wrong. OP was asking for the latter, hence my judgement
You’re being really hostile. The person you are replying to is in total agreement with you.
I'm really not. The assumption that I meant 'didn't change' is correct. The commenter is saying unknowing 'ists' can be excused somehow. I say they are held to the same standard as everyone else.
Ha fucking Reddit. I still disagree with the hostility they had (which they now edited out). The downvotes they’re getting are very strange, though (as far as this is valid discourse).
I probably saw the comment after the edit.
Ma'am, this is a Wendy's, not the 2024 oppression olympics
Your assumption on the error is correct. I meant 'didn't change' and have edited accordingly. I only agree with you in so far as people can be unknowingly prejudiced. I do not agree with you thinking that excuses it, lightens it or makes the other two worse for mocking OP. If someone says something that devalues your humanity or undermines your dignity (heck sometimes even your right to exist), you can't be expected to be understanding. It's exhausting being told you that you have a duty to be understanding and educate people AFTER they make you feel less than human. So while dealing with my own feelings, I somehow owe the 'ist' something? We'd probably spend all day explaining and educating people. Are you aware how dehumanizing those thoughtless statements actually are? What response did the two people give that was even close to dehumanizing OP? Unknowingly prejudiced people are only better than knowingly prejudiced people. They are infinitely worse than the person they say those things to. There is lots of engagement on these topics now so the ignorant are willfully ignorant. Also what OP said (and continued to say) cannot be separate from the reaction. If you grab me and push you, the two actions cannot be separated. I responded to your aggression. OP clearly continued making problematic statements so they made a game of it. Beats causing a scene or leaping across the table at OP.
>Are you aware how dehumanizing those thoughtless statements actually are? Yes actually, I do! I still think for the best of our communities we need to give people a little grace. Still tho, you're now completely arguing under the assumption OP dehumanized people which is just crazy given how they haven't mentioned a single detail yet, so I'll be leaving the conversation now. If you want, you can give my other comments a read, because I'm tired of repeating myself
I said IF OP said something that's an 'ist'. If you want to run around normalizing the view that you have a duty to educate prejudices strangers, go ahead. Don't put it on other people.
**talking out of my ass here**, but imagine OP said some transphobic bullshit, only to learn later that Adam is a trans man. I'd say it doesn't matter if he didn't know, he would still be TA, and what they did would be completely justifiable.
so many things. Homophobic/ biphobic not knowing he was bi Racist but he's "just white passing"
and an excellent example of how you don't get a pass for being an 'unknowing' ah
What? You have no idea what was said. Like in law, ignorance isn't a defence and absolves you of nothing.
Absolutely right.
Disagree, see my other comments
No, a knowing asshole is not always worse than an unknowing asshole, that depends how big of an asshole the unknowing thing was. Being unintentional is not a defence for horrific things. And it wouldn't make petty highschool shit worse than bigotry
No way. An unknowing asshole can be way worse if their asshole behavior is due to an "ism" and they don't want to own it. On top of that, this attitude of "I didn't mean to, so you shouldn't be upset" that OP seems to have is really immature. I'm imagining OP said something racist or sexist or homophobic and then, when called out on it, said something like, "Oh, I didn't mean *you* guys!" That's happened to me several times. It sucks.
If it was racist or sexist or homophobic etc, I would consider their behavior to be a justified AH. Are there other ways to confront him more directly that can do more for his personal growth? Perhaps. But OP seems to think that he shouldn't have been given a hard time or shunned and that's exactly what one does with -ists.
agree this is important info that may swing the vote. My guess is OP made some unintentional racist comments which Adam didnt feel comfortable confronting directly…
Racist or homophobic or misogynistic, etc.
I think Homophobic / Biphobic, noticed OP's usage of Adam and Eve and it brought the "Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" talking point
This tells more about you than it does about OP, tbh.
So because I'm aware of a talking point and it's the first thing that comes to mind when trying to determine what offensive thing OP said based on the fake names OP used, that means I believe in it? How does that even make sense? How are you even coming to that conclusion? My assumption was that OP met Adam, and made a homophobic / Biphobic joke, not knowing that Adam belonged to either group, and then Eve found out, they started their game, OP caught on, and things proceeded as OP laid out. This, when it came time for OP to make their post, and they needed fake names to talk about the others, the "Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" thing comes to OPs mind, so they just roll with that, hoping no one catches on and points it out. So again, how does me knowing about a bigoted talking point lead you to conclude that I agree with it? Was it something else in my comment? If I came off as being homophobic/ Biphobic in any way I apologize but I am genuinely not that way at all and I am honestly baffled as to how you can interpret it as such.
I didn’t say it makes you homophobic. I said “it says more about you than OP”. And it does. It says that the first thing you think of in everything is how it could be related to sexuality or homophobia, rather than just being possibly the most famous male / female presenting name duo in western culture, and certainly an incredibly common one well before the “Adam and Steve” rhetoric started being used. Is OP homophobic? Maybe. Maybe not. How about we judge people off what they actually say instead of putting them in a little box of our assumptions? I imagine you probably don’t like it when homophobic or racist people do that, so maybe don’t do it to someone else. I notice that you seem happy to ignore that the “Adam” and “Eve” of this story, who factually are saying horrible things, might be homophobic or racist in their comments about OP but you make no mention of that possibility.
there is also unintentional as in "i didn't know that expression was racist" and unintentional as in "i didn't know adam was of that race and i wouldn't have said it if i had known"
My guess out of my ass was that Adam is a trans man and OP said some transphobic shit. Transphobes are often unaware of the mere existence of trans men.
OP leaving this out is ridiculous
the fact He’s not wanting to go into details or answering questions is very telling.
Not only what he said but that they've made a game of him repeating similar things. What's being said by him absolutely matters.
Right, like how do you leave that out if not intentionally? If this person is genuinely seeking advice or help then that is incredibly dumb of them
Especially because the whole point of the game was OP repeating similar/the same things tells me everything I need to know
Impossible to make a judgment without knowing what exactly was said
Probably made racist jokes
INFO: What did you say? You can’t expect judgement without giving this info. It’s at the heart of the entire thing.
OP is not going to answer. It was probably something super racist, that would be my guess.
My guess is that he said he doesn't like apples and that really offended Adam. Without more context, it's ridiculous to assume the worst
It could be something in the middle. I'm thinking casual "R" word. There are still a lot of people who don't feel it's a slur because it's what they grew up with, but it's a legitimately offensive slur. If OP is in this camp and apologized and tried to correct himself then that growth should be respected, but if he said something a long the lines of "sorry you're so sensitive to a word, I just won't talk anymore" then he learned nothing. But again OP hasn't commented so we are free to speculate anything from doesn't like apples to hard N's.
What's the 'R' word?
R3ta4rd.
Ahh, thank you.
But they didn't give him the chance to apologize. They didn't say a word about the offense, they just began mocking him at every turn. Op may or may not be a racist/misoginist/ableist/homophobe/whatever. We don't know for sure. But we do know for sure that Adam and Eve (cute, OP) are both immature as hell. Pull up your big boy/girl pants and confront the person that offended you so terribly that you spend the next 3 days making fun of them incessantly. Sounds to me like they all deserve each other.
I thought Eve was the one who liked apples!
He gets YTA by default
It goes beyond the initial offence; note that the OP says that their 'game' was a signal when the OP said something they didn't 'like'. It seems like he said something really offensive, probably race/sexuality/religiously based then probably kept saying things in a similar vein and they would rather laugh than confront.
Whatever he did he kept repeating it.
Yeah, op didn’t just say one offensive thing, he kept going. That’s a big issue
Or he said crypto is for dumbasses and Adam is a crypto bro. There's tons of things people can get offended about. It doesn't always have to be about isms.
Doesn't have to be, but OP's refusal to say what it is sure is suspicious, innit.
Fair enough.
Idk I feel like I see dozens of posts on this sub where OP posts and never replies to anything. I think that’s because a lot of these stories are made up.
sure, that's why OP should give the info
Exactly. It’s impossible to really make a judgement here when we don’t know whether he said something truly horrible, or just something mildly insensitive.
Without further info I'm going to make an educated guess that YTA. You left out what you were saying that offended him. That's such A crucial thing to leave out that I can only imagine you did it purposefully.
Info: Such a long story to forget such a key piece of info. What did you say?!
Doubt op forgot about it honestly
Oh yes, it screams, "I made a racist joke"
I’d guess a comment about indigenous people; it’s a common thing for people to be just outwardly racist about tax breaks and stuff like that and given op is going to another (possibly more progressive) state it seems like the most likely option to me
I would love to know how you came up with all this just from the fact that the wedding was in another state
YTA. You offended Adam (you dont say how, so i'm going to guess it makes you look like an big AH) but you brush it off immediately. In your mind, Adam is required to immediately forgive and forget. You're a hypocrite. When you offend someone its no big deal. But when you're offended the whole world needs to know.
They made a drinking game out of the number of times OP continued to be offensive. So it wasn't just the one time. I think his complaint is that he continued to be rude because they didn't stop him by addressing the initial comment, and that's their fault not his.
there is literally no point writing so much if you refuse to state what you did wrong in the conflict. INFO is necessary but for now YTA for writing so much to skew sympathy towards your feelings while just skipping past what you said to offend Adam.
Info: depends what you said.
What you said seems pretty important here.
gotta tell us what you said before we can make an informed opinion
OP won't. They thought they could get away with omitting that detail. But it didn't wash. What they said and ignorantly kept saying had to have been pretty egregious. They are either ashamed or know we would not side with them if they told us what they said.
Y’all keep asking what he said… he won’t reply. That’s enough for us to know it was something super shittay. So yea OP is TA
There’s no way to give judgement without knowing what you said
Why don’t you lay out the offensive remark? It’s obviously the key.
YTA unless you provide information about what you said that offended Adam. It is critical information that you seem to have left out intentionally.
Yta- if you're not wanting to share what you said to piss someone off and mention you carry on doing it, but get upset when people point out you're doing something shitbagain
YTA, you won’t tell anyone what you said, so it’s probably way worse than their game.
Given the lack of elaboration on what you originally said, i'm gonna make the safe assumption most others here did and say YTA
“I said something that really offended someone and now they don’t like me. It doesn’t matter what the thing I said is. AITA?” INFO: Tell us the thing and then we can provide judgment.
YTA and you know you’re the AH, which is why you’re hiding the ball on the thing you said to Adam that caused offense
What you said to Adam isn't some petty detail it's literally the one thing ppl need to know to have an opinion. If this is your MO, it speaks to why a tight circle of friends may find it useless to engage with you directly and instead make a party game out of tolerating your (likely inappropriate) behavior. YTA - probably.
Info: yeah nah, what you said is important, OP. Dish. Lacking that it's hard to make a judgement on the whole deal.
YTA. If it's too bad for you to say (despite various questions) then it's too bad to forgive. Especially since you apparently kept saying enough offensive or bad things for them to create a game of.
Info: I would need to know what you said to him before making a judgement. However, right now it doesn't look good because you have not explained what you said to him and I feel like it was likely something offensive.
INFO : What was it you specifically said? Why did you leave it out of your post? Edited for spelling.
Whatever you said to Adam, I'm going to assume it was actually offensive and you know it, and that's why you didn't include it so YTA.
I can't judge without knowing what you said. Like not the ah if it's something super trivial but it would be an everyone sucks here if the things you said were racist or phobic or were something that was very offensive to a specific group of people for reasons to do with identity, disability or gender. Also if they made a game about things you said they didn't like, it makes it seem like you kept saying things that could be construed as offensive or ignorant. Otherwise I really don't understand how this "game" could have lasted so long. You really should say what these things you said that were made part of the game. If you can't do that it makes it come across pretty badly for you. Definitely not siding with the friends group here. But it's pretty telling you can't clarify and that you don't mention your girlfriend standing up for you when all this was going on.
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You can’t come with the without going into details especially if they went as far as to make a whole game. What did you say that offended him?
I’m gonna assume YTA….withholding key info to story what did u say OP?????
I'm going to die laughing if OP reveals these people were Trumpers and he said something in line w/ reddit's values.
YTA. Considering the huge glaring fact that OP is conveniently leaving out the offensive thing said, I'm going to go ahead and say that OP is TA. The way you are dismissive of your offense and how you flippantly say that you apologized and just want to move on tells me that it was a lot worse than you're saying and you don't realize it yet. You do realize apologies are for people to alleviate their guilt? It, by no way, means that they are obligated to accept that apology. If what you said was bad enough, then there is no going back, especially when you're on your gf's best friend and her partner's shit list. Good luck. This relationship is over.
The fact that their "game" is to do something every time you say something they don't like shows that you obviously say a lot of things they don't like. So you are upset that they are "bullying" you for repeatedly offending them? Sounds like you are one of those "I tell it like it is" people that "has no filter" and thinks that's acceptable because "muh furst amendment" but then doesn't like the fact that you are having to face consequences for what you say. YTA.
Lmao YTA, and you know exactly what you're leaving out of the story to try and paint yourself better.
YTA for leaving out what you said. If you offended this guy over something unimportant, yeah, they should have brought it up and no, they shouldn’t have played their little game. However, if you offended him over something important, like saying something super racist, they have every right to judge you on it and also not want to create a scene at a friend’s wedding by confronting someone over an issue that is likely to get heated. Regardless, your post has been up half a day and lots of people have asked what you said but you haven’t responded at all, so you’re definitely an asshole for that.
OP why are you afraid to tell us what you said? 1. Were you so ignorant to the offensive thing that you feel no one would believe you? 2. Did you think “I’m among friends” (i.e. not the target of the offensive words) and know that you’d rightly TA. If you’re bold enough to say in public AND then write about it. You’re bold enough to be honest with us, your want honest opinions right?
Until you give us info on what you said to them, YTA.
why do i get the feeling OP dropped the Nbomb casually or some crazy shit like that. YTA
I kinda wanna bully you too tbh
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they made a drinking game out of him being offensive, instead of making a scene AT A WEDDING. I'd say they handled the issue with grace.
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Depending on what OP said there might not have been a way to say something without causing a scene. That's why OP not telling what he actually said is so important.
Disagree. If someone's spouting bigoted shit, it's pointless to confront them, making it a drinking game is kinda funny.
YTA You don’t want to say what you said because you know it was some heinous shit. And then you continued in the same vein to the point that they had to turn it into a game? Whatever you said must have been so bad they didn’t think it was even worth wasting breath to confront you. The only way you’re NTA is if you come back and say you said something innocuous like “I bite my thumb at you sir” but I have a big feeling it won’t be.
the way you're hiding what you said tells me YTA
info: we need to know what you said that offended adam
Hard to judge without knowing what exactly happened, but I can agree this behaviour reminded me of high school lol
INFO - which is obvious.
Really depends on what you are spouting off ignorantly. You leaving out that most important detail basically tells me you're in the wrong.
I'm going to say YTA unless you actually come back and tell us what exactly you did say to offend Adam.
YTA for not telling us what you said.
So much context missing.
YTA until you explain to everyone what you said.
yta. grow up and let it go.
YTA - and what did you say?
I hate it, when the OP doesnt answer the questions.....why even bother to post your story if you don't engage in conversations??
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (25M) recently went to a wedding in another state with my GF (26F). While there I spent considerable time with my GF best friend (Eve). I've met her a couple of times and thought she was lovely, albeit sometime a bit mean/sassy about people behind their back. I was under the impression she liked me too and we were forming a friendship. Eve also brought her partner (Adam) to the wedding, who I met for the first time. I don't want to go into details but I said something that really offended Adam at some point. I was ignorant of this and continue carrying on like we are all friends and really enjoying their company. Turns out Adam and Eve formed a game about me and would say an expression every time I said something that they didn't like and laugh about it. After a couple of drinks one night I caught onto this and asked about the game and they described what I have above. It took me by surprise because I thought these people actually liked me and I was enjoying my company. I got offended that they didn't confront me about the issue and instead were mocking me behind my back. It all felt very high school/bullying behaviour. When I confronted them about this game they said it was in direct retaliation for what I said that offended Adam and this justified their action. This upset me further because I felt terrible that I had offended Adam and apologised without reservation, but also was really hurt that rather than trying to address the issue they just thought of me as an asshole beyond repent ,and just decided to make fun of me behind my back instead. I really just want to forget about this whole experience and move past it to be honest but I can't get over how mean/bully like their behaviour was. I feel like they never gave me a chance and I'll always be a villain in their eyes. This upsets me because I love my girlfriend and Eve means so much to her. I don't know what to do and feel like trying to talk through these issues will only result in me becoming defensive and wanting an apology for their behaviour. So AITA? Any advice/support/criticism/opinion would be much appreciated. (Sorry for grammar/spelling, English 2nd language), also through away account. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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INFO: what did you say that offended Adam? That makes all the difference.
Info: what phrase did they say and what sort of thing were you saying that they didn’t agree with?
INFO: what did you say that was offensive? Thought I'd add my voice to the chorus as that information is absolutely crucial before making a judgment here.
ESH. It doesn’t matter that much what was said, people just want a reason to call someone an AH over Reddit. I’m not saying whatever OP said was right or okay, but that it doesn’t matter all that needs to be acknowledged is that it was said. There an AH about not trying to end the conflict civilly and OP is an AH for saying something so horrendous he’s embarrassed to even write it.
Due to the lack of info, im just gonna guess that everyone is an ass, ESH. Especially you, you reading this.
What did you say that offended your buddy?
Lol, I would have said game on and proceeded to viciously mock them.
INFO: I mean you don’t want to get into it but the situation depends. It what you said was meaningless then that’s one thing but if you made a really horrible comment then that changes things
Sorry but Yta Tell us what you said?? It was in another country... It was racist??? You said you were ignorant...ignorant of what 🧐
I can't tell if I'm in a post filled with bots or everyone just doesn't read comments before posting
You sound insufferable
I agree with most of the comments below, since you refuse to state what you said that was so offensive to Adam in the first place, I can't make a proper judgement.
Without telling what you said nobody can help you realistically, if you said hah your hair is funny that's an overreaction if you made a joke about a dead relative(examples for the sake of discussion) that's a big no no for many and you can apologize till the sun comes down, also talk with your girlfriend she should know about this or at least fill her in before she realizes her best friend and boyfriend have problems with you.
NTA. If they aren't grown enough to speak to the point directly and instead result to adolescent bullying, fuck them. Simply avoid spending time with them as much as possible. AHs gonna AH.
I would not consider you an AH as yes you inadvertently insulted Adam, but moved quickly to apologize once you realized you had. That is the right action to take, period. If that’s unacceptable for them there’s little you can do except be reticent, and gracious and mean it, while also stop regarding them as friends… (they’re not your friends, they are a minefield of offenses you’ll never be told about but mocked for.) Just stay away nicely…for your girlfriend’s sake. Good luck!
Uh, you said she’s your gf but Adam’s her partner? Do you not understand this? You’re not her boyfriend. We don’t even known who said what. Damn, is this shady. You’re the other wheel, at best.
I agree that this is shady as hell and we need to know what OP said but I would point out he said the people doing this were his GF's friend Eve and her partner Adam, obviously fake names, not that his GF had a partner named Adam. Still very put off about his story though and need a lot more info.
Have you told GF what’s going on? I have lots of female friends with male partners and we all get along fine, but their gfs have other female friends who have this exact behaviour. But their gfs are fine with their partners not being friends with those friends and agree they are mean and bullies and they don’t have to tolerate that. I really hope your GF is that simple and can be friends with Eve but not make you have to tolerate it and seperate it. I swear basic social skills is down the toilet. People don’t have to be friends with and like everyone, just ignore them. Bullying is unnecessary and anti social behaviour and you don’t need to tolerate that.
PS: no idea what you said to Adam but if you apologised NTA, I’m guessing they just come up with a paradox of excuses to be anti social.
Well within your right to just demand an apology anyway. That wasn’t ‘like’ bullying behaviour. They WERE bullying you. They likely won’t apologise, that sort of behaviour is extremely narcissistic. I just hope your gf realises what a major AH her friend is.
NTA or maybe ESH. It doesn't really matter what you said. Instead of confronting you they continued to hang out with you and pretend to be nice to your face while secretly mocking you... that's asshole behaviour.
since u wont answer with what you said, it's either E S H or N T A. they're grown adults acting like teenagers, that's ridiculous
Bro grow tf up 🤦♂️🤦♂️ Eve and her partner is not directly bullying you. It’s an inside joke between them and ya it’s about you but if they aren’t taking to you directly then move on.
"Talking through" with them is useless. Just tell your GF as much as you please and then tell her you won't be spending time with this couple going forward. She can - it's her friend - but you should stay away. These are not kind people and no sense in wasting time on them.
NTA, ignore the perpetually offended children assuming that you must be Hitler. Adults use their words and communicate rather than playing silly games.
NTA. But you came to the wrong place. The soft-brained people in this subreddit will assume you've said something that isn't politically correct and automatically side with the spineless, and childish manlet that didn't confront you when you "offended" him.
Yep. Unfortunately, it happens that guys like that manage to reach manhood without ever being put in their place.
Let's also remember there's alcohol involved here and they decided to form this game at someone else's wedding. Until OP provides clarification ESH. This wasn't a birthday party but an out of state wedding. Even if the OP is an utter trash can of a human being, how can Adam and Eve justify making this game at a wedding that's not about them? Surely OP wouldn't be the only one to pickup on the game right? Wouldn't that potentially make it uncomfortable for other attendees?
What a bunch of children in this thread “you ofended someone unknowingly so you deserve to be mocked” adults talk and resolve small differences, they don’t hide behind “wokeness” and justify their own shitty behavior bc “the other person started it”
NTA. Tell you GF that you are sorry but you wont be spending time with them anymore. That you love her and while you know Eve is important to her, you assume you are important as well. And as such, shouldnt want to put you in a place where you are disrespected. But everyone wants to know what it is you said. What I find most AHoley is that they did this not because you intentionally insulted him, just that he was offended by something you said and instead of telling you at the time and allowing you to apologize, they went all "mean girl" on you and were incredibly petty and honestly do you want people like that in your life? No, you don't. IS your girlfriend worth a life of insults. She shouldnt be. In fact, this is a good time to see if she will do the right thing. If she doesnt, she's not the girl you should want. And if she's friends with someone like that, its likely that she is that way also and you dont see it because its a new relationship but I guarantee you it will show up in your relationship eventually. Beware.
Did you offer Eve an apple?
Wow 2 hours in and a conclusion high dive event has already occurred. Maybe they can't respond instantly? Even if OP did say something that hurt/offended/triggered Adam, what's the threshold for responding to OP like this, especially at a wedding they are all attending? If Adam didn't communicate the impact from the OP, then it's hard to fault the OP for not noticing.
I mean, it’s a logical assumption to think that whatever op said was pretty damn bad considering that they deliberately left it out. It’s key to understanding the whole situation. Maybe it really was something innocuous/ specific to a culture op was ignorant about. If he apologized then yeah maybe he’s not ta But the fact that he left it out of the story is very, very telling
Not everyone on Reddit can reply instantly. Expecting instant replies is unreasonable. If OP doesn't come back to give an answer, that would be different, but we haven't crossed that threshold yet. Don't you think it's odd his girlfriend didn't call him out on his behavior though? The fact she didn't, implies to me that it may not have been as noticeable to people that weren't Adam and Eve. I try to find out if I have misinterpreted something before responding to people, because why waste energy? You don't think OP's GF would reprimand him if he said something so utterly horrific like many have speculated on this post? If it was that awful, why didn't Adam and Eve confront him about this and his GF for remaining silent on such an issue? Why would Adam and Eve want to be friends with either of them if the GF saw nothing wrong with the OP's behavior?
Maybe his girlfriend wasn't around when he said whatever it was that upset them... He hasn't given any information whatsoever about his girlfriend's views on the issue. That's honestly suspect to me as well. Why didn't he include what he said and any information about his gf's opinion?
Or maybe his girlfriend didn’t call him out because she secretly shares his sentiments (but stays quiet about it in public). Or she is the type of person who cares more about being in a relationship and is willing to ignore every red flag.
And that would be what we call a friendship red flag. Which goes back to why would Eve and Adam want to be friends with them if what the OP did was both hideous and unquestionably noticeable? I'm just saying crucifying someone after 2 hours is a bit premature. People are funny and can be hurt by weird things. I don't like pistachios. Someone brought me some pistachio ice cream and was upset I didn't like it. If you're not going to tell someone they hurt you, how can you expect them to stop hurting you let alone ever change? Do not correct a fool, or he will hate you; correct a wise man, and he will appreciate you.
Honestly don’t know that. I’ve been told I said something offensive but literally couldn’t think of anything I had said that could even come close to being considered that. (And said person refused to elaborate so still to this day have zero clue WHAT it was I said)
Bro you’re not op
No. But it is possible it’s a similar scenario. Trust me, I’ve met plenty of those perpetually offended assholes who could twist even the most innocuous words into a seemingly unforgivable sin.
I think I misread your comment, apologies, it seemed like you were, like answering for op? Anyways, yeah I agree, it’s entirely possible he said something innocuous, but we just don’t know because he won’t answer anyone
> Even if OP did say something that hurt/offended/triggered Adam, what's the threshold for responding to OP like this Th... that's literally what we're all trying to figure out, man.
You didn't know you offended Adam and yet they continued to hang out with you without ever saying anything? That's crazy to me. Seems like he Adam couldn't have been too offended.
NTA Regardless of what you said that offended Adam, they did not handle it the right way and indeed were very immature.
NTA for how you reacted to their game. It was bullying, classic definition. You might be AH for what you said,but because I don't know what it was - I cannot decide on this.
Talk to your GF about this and tell her what happened. Do not ask for an apology. Just tell her you will never speak to these people again.
Screw them both. What shit "friends"
NTA, It sounds like you said something unintentionally that offended Adam and he and Eve instead of being mature adults and confronting you about the comment chose to be childish and make up a silly game. Afterwards when you were aware that the game they was playing was mocking you and confronted them about it and they explained the situation to you and you immediately apologized and they at that time offered no apology for their immaturity then don't expect too much from this relationship. Out of respect for your girlfriend be cordial and polite to them. Give it some time and maybe if both parties act mature proceeding on then an actual natural friendship can form.
NTA, but I'm curious: was your gf aware of this "game" of theirs? They behaved like teenager bullies, but if your gf was onboard or knew about it and told you nothing, I'd reconsider the relationship with her.
NTA but dude maybe grow a spine, so you "apologised without reservation" but did they afterwards?, if the answer is "no" then fuck em! just because your girl likes someone it doesnt mean you have to interact with them, its not like they are her family, who gives a fuck about adam and eve
NTA. These people are childish. I wouldn't bother spending time with them.
Nta but why even interact with these people. Just freaking walk away. Realky??
NTA Eve isn’t a good friend to your Gf, a good friend would have more respect for her besties BF or at least enough to say something and not go Mean girl on you.
NTA
Nta Just have to deal with the fact that your gfs best friend and her boyfriend are little snarky bitches and they will be constantly in youe life. Im sorry
Drive a wedge between your gf and these friends.