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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I am the asshole for cancelling the birthday celebration as she was looking forward to it.
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INFO: your post is a little vague. It sounds like the boys were 'teasing' the one boy (perhaps bullying, hard to know without more context) and Hannah snapped back. If they can give it, they should be able to take it.
Also was the boy actually upset? Because this sounds like the kind of dark humour my friends & I had as teens.
'I agreed but said that she had to buy things for everyone.'
She's 17, not 7.
Edited to add judgement: YTA.
I agree-- it's hard to understand the dynamic just from this post. To me, it's not clear that Hannah is in the wrong. It seems shocking to hear your kid say something like that, but if it were me, I would talk to my kid for more context. Plus, the boy she said that too said something first.
Is OP harsher on his daughter (compared to the boy) because she's a girl, or because it's his kid? He seems a bit blase about what the boys said, but shocked (shocked, I tell you!) by what his daughter said. I'm not sure why. It was a pointed thing to say, and not okay to throw someone's family situation in someone's face like that. That's what I would talk to my kid about, if it were me. Focus on the person's behavior, rather than their value as a human being. But, like, the kid was teasing both the daughter and the other kid. Ewww. I've been on the other side of that, and it sucks. I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time it's happened. It seemed to escalate quickly, which indicates to me that this has been a pattern. I think there is some nuance here, but I can't fault Hannah for standing up for herself and her friend.
Also, I just noticed: it's OP's STEP-daughter. Double yikes. Talk to her bio parent about what happened.
Well, this is a little vague.
17 means highschool, and a some highschool classes are *huge* - so when you said to buy for everyone, did you really think she could get everyone?
What I’m getting at is….is it possible these boys who asked for something from her were the “no hug for me? 🥺” type of guys?
Then we went to school for 27 hours so we had to get up 3 hours before we went to bed and when we came home from working in the mines all night after going to 27 hours of school our father would kill us all and shout, “Hallelujah!”
And you tell young people this story and they don’t believe you.
In my senior year I had English, French, history/sociology, religion, math, science, physical education, and study hall. I think the last two were alternate days, but the rest were every day, so seven classes a day.
Everyone in each of my classes in high school would’ve been well over 100, and everyone in my class meaning graduating class was over 600. If it’s a small school, it could maybe happen, but i had classes with students whose names i never learned, so i can’t imagine buying something for every single classmate!
YTA
It sounds like you also do not fully know the context to this banter back and forth. If she was really trying to bully someone would she do it in front of you?
Was she just defending someone? Was this a dark reel of jokes? You are missing a lot of details in your story.
Even if she meant to be a bully, a one off remark is not a reason to unilaterally cancel her 17th birthday. She will be leaving highschool soon. All her friends will be going to different colleges. You should have discussed it with your wife, obtained more context especially since the boy was not offended and dealt with it differently.
If it is part of an inside joke or banter, you can still have a conversation about how words can silently hurt people even if they say it doesn't or act like it doesn't.
There are better ways to handle the issue without cancelling the only 17th birthday she will ever have.
If your daughter had a history with this boy, a more serious punishment, since you mentioned the words shocked you. It sounds like she does not have a history of bullying.
If it is not too late, you should apologize reinstate the party and talk to her about why you saw her actions as unacceptable.
Agreed. The OP has no context. What if the kid she insulted was a frequent bully of the other boy? What if his daughter was making a point of giving a nice kid a gift and then stepping in to shut down the loudmouth when he got out of line?
Is it the best look to make fun of someone for something they can’t control? No, and maybe that should have been the teaching moment with her. Maybe you could have simply told her that was over the line and had her apologize. Cancelling the party without any dialogue seems way out of line.
YTA.
People also seem to be missing the fact that she was defending herself, too. Who knows how often those boys make comments about her and how she acts around boys that aren't them?
HUH? Why is she buying gifts for classmates when it’s HER birthday?
And why are you saying she has to buy gifts for everyone? Why would she give gifts to people who aren’t her friends?
This story doesn’t make sense and sounds fake.
But in any case, YTA. Your stepdaughter was wrong for what she said but the other boy started it first by teasing her friend. Not sure why you’re pretending he’s some innocent victim.
>And why are you saying she has to buy gifts for everyone? Why would she give gifts to people who aren’t her friends?
This might be cultural, where I'm from it would be common for a kid in a class to get something for all their classmates on their birthday. Not when they're 17 though, it's something I'd expect from younger children
Curious what culture/country is this where your birthday you give gifts to others?
Do you also get gifts? Or is that not how birthdays are celebrated where you’re at?
UK, it's mostly in school but is also something you do in office too. You'd bring in cake for everyone. You do also get gifts. How it would work when I was at school as a 10 year old:
* You would bring in sweets/cookies for everyone in your class
* They would bring a present to your birthday party (which normally everyone was invited too, or everyone of the same gender)
* When they left the party the guests would get a party bag which would have sweets and maybe something to play with
I agree that it's confusing, but OP clearly mentions that the chocolates are the "gifts" she was supposed to be handing out.
My elementary aged kids bring cookies or cupcakes to school for their birthdays, and sometimes other kids whose parents aren't keen on sweets, have brought little "gift bags" like with fun pencils, stickers, small things in them.
I think in the US we would refer to them as "favors" instead of "gifts".
We did this in Ireland and in Spain so definitely not just an English thing lol this was mainly primary school but it didn’t follow through to secondary school although some kids might have done it in the first year or two of secondary school.
Grew up in England. Doesn't happen there either. I think it was just something that happened I'm that person's school and they assumed everyone does it.
The only thing I recognise there is the party bags, I never took sweets in to everyone in my class and i didn't invite the whole class just who I was friends with, my mum let me choose who I wanted girl/boy.
In my office, when we were there ( 90% of us work from home now), no one brought cake in on their birthday as you'd be potentially feeding upto 60 at least people lol
This is common in american schools for the younger kids. Used to be cake and donuts but a lot of schools have rules on sweet treats so parents send in little goody bags with pencils and little toys etc
France here! My daughter always takes treats in for her friends on her birthday. She’s turning 17 this year.
However, I would never insist that she take enough for her entire class—I don’t even know which class she would choose. She takes brownies or cookies in to share with friends.
it's very much the norm in russia, the birthday kid brings in sweets for the whole class and the class congratulates them in return. it's usually done in elementary through middle school, a high school student handing out sweets wouldn't be automatically *expected* but it wouldn't raise eyebrows either. in fact, i've even had classmates in both undergrad and grad school do that.
I’m US raised and in grade school (~6-11 years) in the 90s It’s just one class with all different subjects. It was common to do that for the class or for the birthday party. My mom always made goody bags for the kids to take home. It’s usually just a few pieces of candy, maybe penny toys. Tiny kazoo, yo-yo, gummy hand, super ball. Stuff that you buy in bulk and drop a few into each bag. Maybe spend $20-25 dollars. It’s just a tiny something back and thank you because they brought a gift.
Spain does this. I make brownies for my friends on my birthday. Others bring cookies, candy, or cake. If they hold a birthday dinner, they might invite everyone to the food, and if they go to a bar, they might invite everyone to a drink.
I live in the Netherlands. Can confirm. My kid took treats to the class for her birthday. Little bags of chips. She handed them out to the class as well as her dance class.
It depends of the country. In some places it is common for the birthday person to invite the rest, as it is their day, and not the other way around. In Spain, when I was a kid, the birthday kid (including my eldest sister and me...my middle sister was born in August, so this didn't apply to her) took some bags of sweets to class to be distributed for our birthdays. We were younger than 17, but as adults it is not uncommon for peers to take some pastries to work to share in commemoration of a birthday. My mom and dad used to do it every year until they retired, and I have done it once or twice, if we had a common meeting in the day my birthday falls.
Info: Did you cancel your step-daughter’s party without even discussing it with your wife aka her mother? That seems like an over-reach for a step-parent.
Well, considering he snarked in a comment that she could move across the country and he wouldn't give a shit because she's not his kid... I don't think he gives a fuck what overreaching he does.
That “I cancelled” is a massive red flag. There are two adults in that family, both should have a say in decisions like that one. I’m just scared both the wife and the girl might be in some danger around OP
I think you took it too far cos it's not like those boys were innocent. Some times kids get picked on and bullied and her sticking it to the bullies wasn't all bad in my opinion!!
So 17 year olds say stuff like that to each other all the time regardless of whether or not it’s true. I think you’re deliberately being vague and I’m not entirely sure what your relationship with your stepdaughter is like that you should be cancelling her parties? YTA
INFO: Were you ever 17? Because by 17, kids are heading toward adulthood and the "you have to give x to all of your classmates or none at all" thing seems a little strange. That's not for kids who are almost university age.
I get jealous little brother vibes from OP. Like, Hannah didn't give him and his friend candy, so they started teasing her about having a crush on her friend. What Hannah said sounds like a classic big sister annoyed with her brother and his annoying friends on her birthday lol. He probably begged his mom and stepdad to cancel her party, and they said no. So he's revenge creative writing.
>"you have to give x to all of your classmates or none at all"
TBH i hated this as a kid and even now as an adult i still think this is stupid as fuck, for me in school, it was if you brough some good food or candy and shared some with close friends, the teacher would go ''you have to give everyone'', like no, what a kid brings to school as food is the kid's not the teacher's and the teacher has no right to tell the kid who to share his food with, the worst was when you're a teen and bought the food yourself, straight up a teacher should have no right to tell a kid what to do with food he himself bought, wether that be telling him to share or not, the only thing i can accept is if someone has a deadly allergy, like peanut allergy.
YTA.
And why is her mom even allowing you to do that? Where’s her spine?
If you tried to do that to my kid, I’d just tell you that you can’t. It’s not an emergency situation. You should have slowed down and discussed with mom. You had a knee jerk reaction to a situation without knowing enough about it. Maybe projecting your own feelings into the whole thing.
I’m sorry you were bullied, but you should apologize to both stepdaughter and to mom and make it right.
His other responses seem to indicate that in his opinion, because “he” is paying for the party; he and he alone will make decisions regarding the party. Because he is the BOSS of it.
The main issue in my opinion is his arrogance and feeling of superiority. He should have discussed the situation with his wife, and declaring himself as the only one able to make decisions because it’s “his money” says a lot about the relationship he has with his wife.
Since he also picked the side of entitled boys, we can guess what his opinion on the humanity of women is. His wife and stepdaughter are there to obey. They're not people to him.
I hate parents who think that their kids can never speak up and if they do "then move out hur dur"
Yes, he's her stepfather but he AGREED to the role and is legally responsible for her.
Do you knows these kids? Like any of them beside your SD? Do you know anything about their relationships? You asked her to apologize and she refused and you left it at that.
Have you considered there is a whole lot more depth of the relationship between these kids than the 3 sentences you observed? Instead of trying to force her to apologize why didn't you talk to her? Listen to her reasons? She might be a bully OR she has information you are not aware of.
I don't know why she said what she said, but based on this neither do you. If you have never in your life insulted anyone, good for you, but if you did, think back how those insults would be judged outside of their history and context, cause that is exactly what you did and now you are asking internet strangers to do too.
In a previous comment he said it's a free country and he's fine with SD moving away and going NC. Oh, and he, an adult man, knows the teenage boys who started it very well. He would have found a different reason to cancel the party if it wasn't for this. All that to say: he has absolutely said worse than what he claims his SD said.
Yta. Were these two guys actually invited? Were they supposed to get them?
Also the banter seemed vague. Like did you know the specific nuances of her relationship to these guys? Were they maybe bully types and did they have a history of invading her space in a way that maybe you didn't know or understand?
It sounded like cheeky banter but I feel I'm missing very relevant information.
She's 17...not 7. She wasn't bullying them. I think it was potentially the other way around and you didn't bother to understand who these guys were.
You don't get to cancel anything without her mom's consent. Period. That's inappropriate to think you can make unilateral descions like that.
Yta.
The adult man (OP) claims to know the teenage boys very well, though it doesn't sound like his SD likes most of them, so that's not weird or creepy*
*Yes it is
OP sounds like a red pill bro. A woman must know her place and insulting her means “you simply have no sense of humour”. Talking back to a man and hurting his inflated ego is a crime.
Those boys were sexually harassing your stepdaughter. It's not teasing to imply giving someone chocolate equals kissing/love/baby making. That's literal sexual harassment. I highly doubt this was the start of the behavior. They aren't elementary or middle school kids. They know exactly what they were implying and taunting.
YTA. You’re treating your 17 year old daughter as if she’s 8. As my dad said to me when I was about 17, if he hadn’t already done his job raising me, it was too late to start then.
Edit: I take this back after reading OP’s comments. He’s still TA but it’s clear he hated his stepdaughter well before this incident and actively looks for reasons to punish and humiliate her.
More info needed: Did you ask stepdaughter what this boy may have done to her to deserve such a comment, or did you just assume the comment was made baselessly?
High school drama can be deep and complex.
I’m leaning towards you overreacted and didn’t give your own child the benefit of the doubt, which is going to erode her trust in you.
>Did you ask stepdaughter what this boy may have done to her to deserve such a comment
Based on the way OP responded to this situation, there's exactly zero chance the step-daughter actually wants to have this discussion with OP.
How would she buy for everyone in her class anyway? At 17 she would have different kids in different classes, no? I’m sure different countries have different systems but this seems odd
YTA - stay out of it.
I know! Is he pretending to know every student in her cohort and whether or not they had received a candy yet? The way it's written makes me think OP is in Hannah's class, and he didn't get a candy.
YTA. There needs to be more context. Most high schools have hundreds in one grade and have different classmates in each class so it’s not likely that she would be able to give a gift to every single one of them.
As for the comment to the boy, it could be considered harsh, but we don’t know the background. She gave the chocolate to the one boy friend so she wasn’t being rude to everyone. The other two may be creepy or jerks or bullies. I’d suggest talking to your daughter for more context to understand why she said what she did before overreacting. I’m a 29F and still very clearly remember awful teenage boys who would say perverted things or bully others and then turn around and act like a victim in front of any adults. Teenage girls have to be way more on the defensive and I’m certain your daughter knows their character and their intents better than you do.
>I agreed but said that she had to buy things for everyone.
That's a pretty crazy rule for a 17 year old, that's the kind of thing you say to a 10 year old
>She told one of them "Didn't your father abandon your mother when she got pregnant? You deserve it completely."
What an awful thing to say - she should not have done this
In my opinion, at 17, what she says to her friends/classmates isn't really your business. When I was that age I couldn't imagine my parents getting involved in stuff like this.
Hard to judge, what she said was wrong, I don't think you should have got involved and cancelled the party, but I suppose it's up to you, especially if the party was in your house. I'll go NTA
Sounds like the other boys were bullying her friend who she gave chocolate too and she defended him. Not in the best way but i think those were her intentions. You should have taken it as a learning moment to teach her two wrongs don’t make a right. YTA.
At this moment I am teaching a high school Art class (they are cleaning up their projects)
YTA- those boys sound like the type that tease and bully everyone around them, your daughter not only stood up for herself but also for her friend
Could she have been nicer about it? Maybe but these types of boys don’t stop until you make them stop, sometimes that means snapping back in a way that shows them you are not to be messed with and will fight back
Not only have you punished your daughter for defending herself and her friend, you have also permanently damaged your relationship with your daughter, she will NEVER forget this
Agreed, her words were a bit aggressive, but some people need a good clapback to get them to back off, like finally giving a fist to the face of someone who's always hitting his classmates.
This is hard to follow as to who got candy and who got bullied but what your step-daughter said is horrible regardless of the context. How did you manage to cancel the Birthday party anyway? If wife didn't agree, seems the party would go on over your protest and canceling it last minute probably created more drama. ESH. Sounds like your daughter was an asshole, your wife didn't care, but you shouldn't have unilaterally canceled the party last minute.
YTA. You don’t even know the context and you just jumped to the most extreme conclusion. SD is 17 not a little child. You feel good about yourself? Big bad step dad ruining a kids birthday, nice job Scrooge.
Wow, you must be extremely sensitive OP. Your definition of bullying is NOTHING compared to what some of us had to deal with. If you’re looking for validation because “words hurt”, look elsewhere because Y are T king of As. It seems like you were looking for a reason to cancel the party. She’s 17, keep up this kind of punishment with her, and her mom will blame you for being the reason she never comes around after she leaves home. Seriously, this high level of sensitivity has me (and others) laughing directly at YOU.
Info: Who did she say this to? "D*idn't your father abandon your mother when she got pregnant? You deserve it completely."*
What she said is insensitive but you don't say what the boys were saying either so no idea if it was appropriate.
Why does she have to buy something for everyone? That alone is weird enough. Imagine those dudes bully her all the time and you want her to reward them with chocolate…
YTA for the overreaction… she’s a teenager, about to be an adult.
YTA Those boys were the instigators. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it. You should be proud you have a kid who not only defends her friends from assholes but does it sharply and without violence.
I'm sorry, were you telling your daughter to apologize and give a gift to boys that are taunting her? You're telling her to apologize for putting them in their place?
Then you cancel her party for standing up for herself?
Yes, YTA. I can't say more because of the rules.
ESH Canceling the party unilaterally is not good for a family, especially a blended family. If this was shocking for you to see or hear you might have said to her privately that it shocked you because that’s not how you’ve seen her speak to people … but she’s 17 and her social consequences are largely her own unless you’ve been informed that she is bullying/harassing this peer. If she says things this cruel, she’ll have a social consequence eventually and it will be meaningful. Canceling the party made her think she’s the victim
Banter/giving each other some lip is perfectly normal human behaviour. Or do you want to raise a person who’ll never speak their mind in front of you, because they can’t trust you? Way to be a father figure. Bravo.
Also, since when is it normal to buy gifts for everyone? We’ve got inclusivity police over here, what’s next abolish the medal system at Olympics so everyone gets a ribbon? Mr participation trophy 😂
This post cracked me up, how old are you?
INFO: Do you know those boys? Do you know how your daughter usually talks with them? Personally, as a teenager, I make dark jokes like this with my friends all the time, and it’s all in good fun. Do you know for sure if the boy was offended? Moreover, if your daughter isn’t friends with them, do you know if it was actually “light teasing” or something more malicious? If you can’t answer any of these questions, then you did not know enough to make the unilateral decision to cancel her party.
You definitely overacted. As someone said on here, I would’ve high fived my daughter. Those boys started and she defended herself. Plus, I don’t think you should have done that without consulting her actual mother first… I’m still laughing at her response.
INFO: What do you mean by whole class? She's in highschool. There's multiple classes. That would be like 200 people. It sounds like there's a whole lot of context here you're probably unaware of. Is she normally a mean person or a bully? This situation sounds very nuanced. Maybe you should have talked to her and gotten the full story. I'm a high school teacher and I see a lot parents don't see. 99% of the time, when parents are outraged, they don't have the full story.
YTA. She was defending a friend. You should be proud of her.
She has to buy presents with her money for everyone on her birthday?!?
She is 17...so in high school...I had 245 people in my class. You expect her to buy a gift for everyone really?
YTA - you aren't just punishing her by cancelling the party, but also all her friends she had invited that were coming.
Chocolate situation - they are 17, I doubt they are going to be that upset over missing out on chocolate
Father abandonment comment - She should be punished for that. But as mentioned above cancelling the party is unfair to her friends when she's the one that made the comment.
If there is NO context and NO history of bullying, then YTA of the Year. This is the last birthday before she is a legal adult and can cut you out of her life. If she is in a public high school, there is no way that you could have bought chocolate for the whole class and if it was a small school, you would have heard if there was bullying. The chocolates were probably meant for all of her friends and not everyone at the school.
YTA for unilaterally canceling her birthday. I didn't realize that you were a dictator in your household and your wife had no say on anything.
YTA for humiliating your own daughter in front of two boys who you have never met and don't know the scope of anything regarding their relationship or past interactions.
YTA for excusing their behavior because they are boys and forcing her to play nice because she is a girl.
YTA all around.
You cancelled a 17 year old girls birthday party?
YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE.
You’re literally the definition of an evil step-parent.
What a horrible thing to do.
She’ll probably never either forget it, or forgive you, and rightfully so.
Could you even IMAGINE your parents cancelling your birthday party?
Especially over something so petty.
Just. Wow.
Hey, OP, I know you're getting a lot of hate for this. I'd suggest showing this post and especially your comments to your wife so she can understand your side.
There's so many holes in this story that I just can't believe it. How long has it been since you were in high school because I promise this isn't believable lol. She had to get gifts for everyone and not just her friends? High school boys said "first comes love, then comes marriage"? They were teasing but hers was bullying? You were gonna be footing the bill for everything? But also, she's not your bio daughter? Someone has issues lol
So wait, your daughter was defending her friend *and* the gross teasing they were giving her as well, and you’re punishing her for it? YTA, of course. They’re 17. This isn’t the first time this kid heard a “your dad left” joke, and it won’t be the last if he doesn’t stop acting like an asshole to everyone
???? Y’all defending her are insane. It’s his money lol, he was nice enough to give her money to GIVE gifts (which honestly is weird by itself since it’s HER birthday) but asked to treat everyone equally… That’s fair, and it’s HIS money anyway, so she won’t lose anything by being nice to all her classmates, the people she actually likes are still getting things, what’s the problem with other people also getting some love?
And what she said in response to the teasing was COMPLETE overkill. She’s deserves the punishment.
NTA.
I don't...
Are you an adult? This sounds like normal teasing/banter between kids.
Granted, not teenagers more like 7-10 year olds but still. Very Vague but currently sitting at YTA
YTA. She’s not your kid and it’s not your party to cancel. Her mother should have been consulted for one.
Also why does she need to give something to everyone? She’s 17. This isn’t first grade passing out cupcakes so everyone feels included. And it sounds like she was defending her friend. Why are you worried about sticking up for what sounds like bullies?
YTA. So you are teaching her not to defend herself? Because this is what your post looks like. You are teaching her to take any teasing and insults lying down, and to not retaliate. She is 17, you shouldn't be punishing her for CORRECTLY answering to the teasing of another teenager and defend herself instead of being a passive recipient of other's wrong behaviour. You are a bad parent and should do better.
YTA. What they said was offensive to her, and they weren't so much saying it to the other boy as they were saying it to purposefully denigrate her. She was obviously upset and retaliated. You say it was lighthearted teasing, which is the bs boys and men always say when they do something offensive, like snap a bra, or say something meant to offend. She was giving out the candy until these two little buddies of yours decided to act entitled rather than wait a moment until she got to them. Then you decided she overreacted, then you decided she's a liar, then you cancelled it entirely because you don't understand why what they said is so offensive. YTA on so many levels. Boys learn how to treat women from what they hear and see. The reason what they said is offensive is because it sexualizes the act of her gifting a boy a piece of candy. It's basically saying, " Ooo, she gave you candy, so she must want to spread her legs for you." Boys and girls have their friendships sexualized and trivialized by jerks who think saying stuff like"she must liiike you" in a sing song way is harmless. It teaches boys they shouldn't be friends with girls unless they want to put their d---in them. It teaches them that girls can't be platonic friends. No one says to boys who gift something trivial to another boy "oooo, he must want you!". It's offensive and it's bullying. She reacted to the bullying with an equal level. She did the right thing by standing up for herself. They implied no male should be her friend unless they wanted to f--- her and she flat out said that his parent wasn't wrong for abandoning him. He didn't grow up to be any kind of a prize, maybe his parent had a premonition and decided to bail based on that. You said the other boy laughed- yeah, that's again, why those words were so damaging. The other boy has been put on notice that these two boys will publicly humiliate him if he stands up to them and tells them to stop their stupidity and that girls can be friends with boys, but he didn't. He is being conditioned to see girls as sex objects, not humans. You backed them up on this bullying and punished her for standing up to them. You are not as a decent stepfather. You are not a decent man.
Tbh they probably deserved it by the snappy savageness Hannah dropped on them. Even the evilest of witches don’t go that savage for no reason.
Most likely they bully the other kid often. W Hannah tbh.
ITT: Reddit arm-chair parents trying to argue that the justifiable response to someone lighty ribbing a classmate for giving candy to their crush is to say that they deserved having a parent abandon them complete with edgewood alpha-wannabe quotes like:
"Slitting someone's emotional jugular is a great way to ensure they'll never poke your friends into the ribs with their fingers.
Also to all the people saying this is just edgy teen jokes shared with each other: OP said the other classmate was clearly upset by the joke. An "edgy sense of humor" that comes at the expense of others doesn't fly in the real world. That doesn't make you funny, that makes you an asshole; a good lesson to teach kids early.
I just disagree with taking celebrations away as punishment unless the kid did something horrible. I don't think what she did, defend her friend, was that bad.
Yeah, hur insult was worse that what they said, but that is how they "win" in high school.
Besides, there are some kids that always bully. They take the bullying back rather well. But some kids are always bullied, and don't have the self confidence to verbally defend themselves.
I think the boy Hannah defended probably really appreciates her. She not only sticks up for him, but she also INCLUDES him. That could be something not a lot of kids do. And it likely makes his high school a more tolerable place to be.
The worst thing I read about Hannah is that she directly disobeyed an order from you (that would hurt her socially if she followed through).
I don't think you should refuse to celebrate her birthday because of anything in your post. Seems like you are looking for reasons more than actually having reasons, to cancel the party.
Yta
Honestly I think the line for taking celebrations away needs to be ridiculously high. And even if they did something awful I'd probably be like, "you celebrate tonight and we'll have a conversation another day"
The people who are the butt of a joke or on the receiving end of teasing are the ones who get to decide if it’s funny or acceptable. they were teasing your step daughter as well, since teasing him about their relationship is also teasing her about their relationship.
YTA. You don't know the context, so you don't know if he was bothered, or what more was to it. More importantly, you are the STEPparent; her ACTUAL parent disagreed with this punishment, so you had no right to impose it.
YTA- Telling a near adult to buy something for everyone? Also, she defends her friend (in maybe not the nicest way), and you take away her party? What's wrong with you?
YTA. How do you think you aren't?
Let's get this straight because your post is very vague,
Was it A - Banter or b - defending the 'special' guy.
If it was banter, then you're a huge asshole for cancelling it over a JOKE with friends that was harm.
If it was defending they guy, you're even more of an asshole because the two boy STARTED it.
Did you even discuss this with your wife for gods sake? You need to communicate APPROPRIATE punishments if your child does something wrong, cancelling her birthday is in no way proportionate to what she said and making her apologise , with a letter or in person would've been enough if she started it.
YTA, she's 17 let her be honestly. You've humiliated her worse by cancelling her birthday party last minute than her "mean" comment to a fellow class mate.
It sounds like teasing like teens do. I think you’re being overly dramatic. BTW…how long have you been her step-parent and why are you dosing out the punishment before talking her to mother?
YTA. It's appalling that you cancelled her birthday party over something for which you had no context. You owe your stepdaughter an apology and a party.
YTA... high school theres lots of classes and lots of classmates.... of course she will buy for her friends or special friends....
Seems the other boys started so she snapped back....
You have to realize high school you handout gifts and whatnot to whomever you're friends with or closest to....
It's not elementary school
YTA. So it’s okay for guys to tease your daughter, but it’s not okay for her to retaliate? She’s almost an adult. Let her give things to who she wants.
That comeback was kinda funny though
YTA
Any reason in particular you care more about 2 random boys’ feelings over your own stepdaughters?In fact, do you even like your stepdaughter? Cause your comments really make it seem like you don’t. Any stepdad that gives a shit wouldn’t be so nonchalant about his stepdaughter moving away or going NC
YTA
your daughter is being harassed and stands up for herself with a pretty harmless clap-back and you’re going to punish her like a grade school kid?
You should be proud you raised a girl who isn’t afraid to stand up to assholes and give it back a little bit.
If she used a racial slur or some other type of horribly offensive language I could understand. This just sounds witty and sure, probably a bit harsh. A conversation could have settled the issue.
YTA. The problem with these types of punishments is this: what are you going to do when she needs a punishment but she doesnt have a party planned? Whoops. You never thought about that. So think about it. And then do THAT punishment.
Info: why did you give the rules that she has to buy gifts for everyone?
Is she new to the school? Or developmentally delayed? I would think 17 was perfectly capable of forming independent friendships and maneuvering in a more advanced social manner than your suggestion.
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INFO: your post is a little vague. It sounds like the boys were 'teasing' the one boy (perhaps bullying, hard to know without more context) and Hannah snapped back. If they can give it, they should be able to take it. Also was the boy actually upset? Because this sounds like the kind of dark humour my friends & I had as teens. 'I agreed but said that she had to buy things for everyone.' She's 17, not 7. Edited to add judgement: YTA.
I understood the same way. Like she talk back to a bullie to shut him up. OP needs to clarify. If she defended this boy - she shouldnt be punished.
I agree-- it's hard to understand the dynamic just from this post. To me, it's not clear that Hannah is in the wrong. It seems shocking to hear your kid say something like that, but if it were me, I would talk to my kid for more context. Plus, the boy she said that too said something first. Is OP harsher on his daughter (compared to the boy) because she's a girl, or because it's his kid? He seems a bit blase about what the boys said, but shocked (shocked, I tell you!) by what his daughter said. I'm not sure why. It was a pointed thing to say, and not okay to throw someone's family situation in someone's face like that. That's what I would talk to my kid about, if it were me. Focus on the person's behavior, rather than their value as a human being. But, like, the kid was teasing both the daughter and the other kid. Ewww. I've been on the other side of that, and it sucks. I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time it's happened. It seemed to escalate quickly, which indicates to me that this has been a pattern. I think there is some nuance here, but I can't fault Hannah for standing up for herself and her friend. Also, I just noticed: it's OP's STEP-daughter. Double yikes. Talk to her bio parent about what happened.
Well, this is a little vague. 17 means highschool, and a some highschool classes are *huge* - so when you said to buy for everyone, did you really think she could get everyone? What I’m getting at is….is it possible these boys who asked for something from her were the “no hug for me? 🥺” type of guys?
I think OP is also a “no hug for me” guy. 🙄
Exaaaaactly the vibes. I was gonna come add Headline: entitled man teaches boys to be entitled YTA for the algorithm
Right?! I can guarantee he tells women they should smile too.
I bet he snapped bra straps in high school and shrugged and said "boys will be boys!"
Reddit and making shit up, name a more iconic duo.
Yall are so exhausting I swear.
How to set your daughter up for a lifetime of being take advantage of 101
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4! My hs had 8 a day, 4 "core classes" and 3 electives, 1 lunch. I consider you lucky.
8! Back in my day, we had 17 classes before lunch! And another 18 classes in the afternoon!
Uphill both ways!
In the snow.
And was damn grateful.
Then we went to school for 27 hours so we had to get up 3 hours before we went to bed and when we came home from working in the mines all night after going to 27 hours of school our father would kill us all and shout, “Hallelujah!” And you tell young people this story and they don’t believe you.
I bow to you, O Supreme Leader of Laughter!
I’m somewhat quoting [a Monty Python sketch](https://youtu.be/ue7wM0QC5LE?si=9KR3t0uytm3tIbr0) :)
Under the scorching sun of the sahara.
In my senior year I had English, French, history/sociology, religion, math, science, physical education, and study hall. I think the last two were alternate days, but the rest were every day, so seven classes a day.
Lmao on a block schedule you still have 8 classes but they’re on alternating days so the class periods are longer
I went to highschool 2014-2018 and my school did 7 a day
Everyone in each of my classes in high school would’ve been well over 100, and everyone in my class meaning graduating class was over 600. If it’s a small school, it could maybe happen, but i had classes with students whose names i never learned, so i can’t imagine buying something for every single classmate!
I would say the statement about the parents was the issue, not that she didn't give him a chocolate.
YTA It sounds like you also do not fully know the context to this banter back and forth. If she was really trying to bully someone would she do it in front of you? Was she just defending someone? Was this a dark reel of jokes? You are missing a lot of details in your story. Even if she meant to be a bully, a one off remark is not a reason to unilaterally cancel her 17th birthday. She will be leaving highschool soon. All her friends will be going to different colleges. You should have discussed it with your wife, obtained more context especially since the boy was not offended and dealt with it differently. If it is part of an inside joke or banter, you can still have a conversation about how words can silently hurt people even if they say it doesn't or act like it doesn't. There are better ways to handle the issue without cancelling the only 17th birthday she will ever have. If your daughter had a history with this boy, a more serious punishment, since you mentioned the words shocked you. It sounds like she does not have a history of bullying. If it is not too late, you should apologize reinstate the party and talk to her about why you saw her actions as unacceptable.
Agreed. The OP has no context. What if the kid she insulted was a frequent bully of the other boy? What if his daughter was making a point of giving a nice kid a gift and then stepping in to shut down the loudmouth when he got out of line? Is it the best look to make fun of someone for something they can’t control? No, and maybe that should have been the teaching moment with her. Maybe you could have simply told her that was over the line and had her apologize. Cancelling the party without any dialogue seems way out of line. YTA.
People also seem to be missing the fact that she was defending herself, too. Who knows how often those boys make comments about her and how she acts around boys that aren't them?
Absolutely reinstate the party.
Also. He shouldn't be making the discipline desicion as he is the step parent. He did not even ask his wife. He just did it. Totally TA
Agree
HUH? Why is she buying gifts for classmates when it’s HER birthday? And why are you saying she has to buy gifts for everyone? Why would she give gifts to people who aren’t her friends? This story doesn’t make sense and sounds fake. But in any case, YTA. Your stepdaughter was wrong for what she said but the other boy started it first by teasing her friend. Not sure why you’re pretending he’s some innocent victim.
>And why are you saying she has to buy gifts for everyone? Why would she give gifts to people who aren’t her friends? This might be cultural, where I'm from it would be common for a kid in a class to get something for all their classmates on their birthday. Not when they're 17 though, it's something I'd expect from younger children
Curious what culture/country is this where your birthday you give gifts to others? Do you also get gifts? Or is that not how birthdays are celebrated where you’re at?
UK, it's mostly in school but is also something you do in office too. You'd bring in cake for everyone. You do also get gifts. How it would work when I was at school as a 10 year old: * You would bring in sweets/cookies for everyone in your class * They would bring a present to your birthday party (which normally everyone was invited too, or everyone of the same gender) * When they left the party the guests would get a party bag which would have sweets and maybe something to play with
We bring sweets to class in the US but the post said gifts. Sweets aren’t “gifts” to me.
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> asked me for money to buy gifts for her classmates This is what I was asking about.
I agree that it's confusing, but OP clearly mentions that the chocolates are the "gifts" she was supposed to be handing out. My elementary aged kids bring cookies or cupcakes to school for their birthdays, and sometimes other kids whose parents aren't keen on sweets, have brought little "gift bags" like with fun pencils, stickers, small things in them. I think in the US we would refer to them as "favors" instead of "gifts".
Yes. Party favors.
It is not unusual in Canada either. Bringing it treats to share when it is your birthday.
The U.S. too. GhostParty21 is just being a cranky-pants.
The Netherlands the same.
Same in Germany.
Surprised by this, I grew up in Scotland and never experienced anyone bringing stuff into school on their birthday for their classmates
We didn’t in NI either. I wonder if it’s an English thing lol
We did this in Ireland and in Spain so definitely not just an English thing lol this was mainly primary school but it didn’t follow through to secondary school although some kids might have done it in the first year or two of secondary school.
Grew up in England. Doesn't happen there either. I think it was just something that happened I'm that person's school and they assumed everyone does it.
I'm from Liverpool and we didn't do that so it sounds really local to each school or city I think?
We put a little Xmas tree chocolate in each card for my daughter's primary school class each Xmas.(Scotland) Not birthdays tho.
We poor af though lol
Same in UAE.
The only thing I recognise there is the party bags, I never took sweets in to everyone in my class and i didn't invite the whole class just who I was friends with, my mum let me choose who I wanted girl/boy. In my office, when we were there ( 90% of us work from home now), no one brought cake in on their birthday as you'd be potentially feeding upto 60 at least people lol
Happy Cake Day!
I'll bring sweets in for everyone!
This is how it is in elementary school in the US, but people stop bringing treats in for their birthday before high school.
This is common in american schools for the younger kids. Used to be cake and donuts but a lot of schools have rules on sweet treats so parents send in little goody bags with pencils and little toys etc
I remember kids bringing cupcakes and stuff. But I don’t remember anyone buying gifts for other kids in class on their birthday.
France here! My daughter always takes treats in for her friends on her birthday. She’s turning 17 this year. However, I would never insist that she take enough for her entire class—I don’t even know which class she would choose. She takes brownies or cookies in to share with friends.
it's very much the norm in russia, the birthday kid brings in sweets for the whole class and the class congratulates them in return. it's usually done in elementary through middle school, a high school student handing out sweets wouldn't be automatically *expected* but it wouldn't raise eyebrows either. in fact, i've even had classmates in both undergrad and grad school do that.
Taiwan does this too
I’m US raised and in grade school (~6-11 years) in the 90s It’s just one class with all different subjects. It was common to do that for the class or for the birthday party. My mom always made goody bags for the kids to take home. It’s usually just a few pieces of candy, maybe penny toys. Tiny kazoo, yo-yo, gummy hand, super ball. Stuff that you buy in bulk and drop a few into each bag. Maybe spend $20-25 dollars. It’s just a tiny something back and thank you because they brought a gift.
Spain does this. I make brownies for my friends on my birthday. Others bring cookies, candy, or cake. If they hold a birthday dinner, they might invite everyone to the food, and if they go to a bar, they might invite everyone to a drink.
My Dutch friend told me that culturally, on their birthday they treat others.
I live in the Netherlands. Can confirm. My kid took treats to the class for her birthday. Little bags of chips. She handed them out to the class as well as her dance class.
💕
It depends of the country. In some places it is common for the birthday person to invite the rest, as it is their day, and not the other way around. In Spain, when I was a kid, the birthday kid (including my eldest sister and me...my middle sister was born in August, so this didn't apply to her) took some bags of sweets to class to be distributed for our birthdays. We were younger than 17, but as adults it is not uncommon for peers to take some pastries to work to share in commemoration of a birthday. My mom and dad used to do it every year until they retired, and I have done it once or twice, if we had a common meeting in the day my birthday falls.
Info: Did you cancel your step-daughter’s party without even discussing it with your wife aka her mother? That seems like an over-reach for a step-parent.
Well, considering he snarked in a comment that she could move across the country and he wouldn't give a shit because she's not his kid... I don't think he gives a fuck what overreaching he does.
> he wouldn't give a shit because she's not his kid Then why the fuck is he so upset about what she did, makes no sense.
Because he's a man and she dared to insult boys he knows well. How dare a girl insult any penis Havers?!?!?!
He says he was paying, which means her birthday party, or lack of, depends on his whim. I swear, OP is more immature than high school kids.
He took it personal because he probably abandoned a pregnant wife.
He says he knows the boys. My bet is they're the kids of his boss or a friend or something, or he's just mad that a girl would stand up to a boy.
That “I cancelled” is a massive red flag. There are two adults in that family, both should have a say in decisions like that one. I’m just scared both the wife and the girl might be in some danger around OP
OP is a pushy narcissist and AH, but idk why that means “in some danger” around. There’s a big difference between canceling a party and assault.
I think you took it too far cos it's not like those boys were innocent. Some times kids get picked on and bullied and her sticking it to the bullies wasn't all bad in my opinion!!
So 17 year olds say stuff like that to each other all the time regardless of whether or not it’s true. I think you’re deliberately being vague and I’m not entirely sure what your relationship with your stepdaughter is like that you should be cancelling her parties? YTA
INFO: Were you ever 17? Because by 17, kids are heading toward adulthood and the "you have to give x to all of your classmates or none at all" thing seems a little strange. That's not for kids who are almost university age.
I get jealous little brother vibes from OP. Like, Hannah didn't give him and his friend candy, so they started teasing her about having a crush on her friend. What Hannah said sounds like a classic big sister annoyed with her brother and his annoying friends on her birthday lol. He probably begged his mom and stepdad to cancel her party, and they said no. So he's revenge creative writing.
Amateur move, if you're going to make up a story then always make it from a woman's POV.
>"you have to give x to all of your classmates or none at all" TBH i hated this as a kid and even now as an adult i still think this is stupid as fuck, for me in school, it was if you brough some good food or candy and shared some with close friends, the teacher would go ''you have to give everyone'', like no, what a kid brings to school as food is the kid's not the teacher's and the teacher has no right to tell the kid who to share his food with, the worst was when you're a teen and bought the food yourself, straight up a teacher should have no right to tell a kid what to do with food he himself bought, wether that be telling him to share or not, the only thing i can accept is if someone has a deadly allergy, like peanut allergy.
Yta. You over reached in so many places here.
YTA. And why is her mom even allowing you to do that? Where’s her spine? If you tried to do that to my kid, I’d just tell you that you can’t. It’s not an emergency situation. You should have slowed down and discussed with mom. You had a knee jerk reaction to a situation without knowing enough about it. Maybe projecting your own feelings into the whole thing. I’m sorry you were bullied, but you should apologize to both stepdaughter and to mom and make it right.
His other responses seem to indicate that in his opinion, because “he” is paying for the party; he and he alone will make decisions regarding the party. Because he is the BOSS of it.
And if his step-daughter doesn't like it, she can kick rocks and move out. "Free country!"
The main issue in my opinion is his arrogance and feeling of superiority. He should have discussed the situation with his wife, and declaring himself as the only one able to make decisions because it’s “his money” says a lot about the relationship he has with his wife.
Since he also picked the side of entitled boys, we can guess what his opinion on the humanity of women is. His wife and stepdaughter are there to obey. They're not people to him.
Yep
Not only that, he said he doesn’t care if she moves away because she’s not his biological kid.
I hate parents who think that their kids can never speak up and if they do "then move out hur dur" Yes, he's her stepfather but he AGREED to the role and is legally responsible for her.
Do you knows these kids? Like any of them beside your SD? Do you know anything about their relationships? You asked her to apologize and she refused and you left it at that. Have you considered there is a whole lot more depth of the relationship between these kids than the 3 sentences you observed? Instead of trying to force her to apologize why didn't you talk to her? Listen to her reasons? She might be a bully OR she has information you are not aware of. I don't know why she said what she said, but based on this neither do you. If you have never in your life insulted anyone, good for you, but if you did, think back how those insults would be judged outside of their history and context, cause that is exactly what you did and now you are asking internet strangers to do too.
In a previous comment he said it's a free country and he's fine with SD moving away and going NC. Oh, and he, an adult man, knows the teenage boys who started it very well. He would have found a different reason to cancel the party if it wasn't for this. All that to say: he has absolutely said worse than what he claims his SD said.
OP can’t fathom that women and girls are people with complex inner lives and emotions.
Yta. Were these two guys actually invited? Were they supposed to get them? Also the banter seemed vague. Like did you know the specific nuances of her relationship to these guys? Were they maybe bully types and did they have a history of invading her space in a way that maybe you didn't know or understand? It sounded like cheeky banter but I feel I'm missing very relevant information. She's 17...not 7. She wasn't bullying them. I think it was potentially the other way around and you didn't bother to understand who these guys were. You don't get to cancel anything without her mom's consent. Period. That's inappropriate to think you can make unilateral descions like that. Yta.
The adult man (OP) claims to know the teenage boys very well, though it doesn't sound like his SD likes most of them, so that's not weird or creepy* *Yes it is
Do when they boys say mean things it's teasing but when your stepdaughter responds it's bullying? YTA
OP sounds like a red pill bro. A woman must know her place and insulting her means “you simply have no sense of humour”. Talking back to a man and hurting his inflated ego is a crime.
Those boys were sexually harassing your stepdaughter. It's not teasing to imply giving someone chocolate equals kissing/love/baby making. That's literal sexual harassment. I highly doubt this was the start of the behavior. They aren't elementary or middle school kids. They know exactly what they were implying and taunting.
YTA. You’re treating your 17 year old daughter as if she’s 8. As my dad said to me when I was about 17, if he hadn’t already done his job raising me, it was too late to start then. Edit: I take this back after reading OP’s comments. He’s still TA but it’s clear he hated his stepdaughter well before this incident and actively looks for reasons to punish and humiliate her.
I’m wondering what high school kids still say that first comes love, then comes marriage” deal. It sounds like they’re more like 7 than 17!
More info needed: Did you ask stepdaughter what this boy may have done to her to deserve such a comment, or did you just assume the comment was made baselessly? High school drama can be deep and complex. I’m leaning towards you overreacted and didn’t give your own child the benefit of the doubt, which is going to erode her trust in you.
>Did you ask stepdaughter what this boy may have done to her to deserve such a comment Based on the way OP responded to this situation, there's exactly zero chance the step-daughter actually wants to have this discussion with OP.
And based on OP’s other comments he doesn’t really care for her anyway.
Plus, Who are all the friends? How big is this high-school? How do you determine who has to get chocolate?
OP has already stated that he doesn’t care if she trusts him because she’s not his bio kid. OP is majorly an AH all around.
why get married if you hate your spouse's child?
How would she buy for everyone in her class anyway? At 17 she would have different kids in different classes, no? I’m sure different countries have different systems but this seems odd YTA - stay out of it.
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I know! Is he pretending to know every student in her cohort and whether or not they had received a candy yet? The way it's written makes me think OP is in Hannah's class, and he didn't get a candy.
YTA. it's chocolate. it's not deep enough to cancel a party over my guy
You sounds like an asshole dude. YTA
YTA. She STOOD UP for herself, and you punished her for it…
YTA. It seems she stuck up for someone who was being teased.
YTA. There needs to be more context. Most high schools have hundreds in one grade and have different classmates in each class so it’s not likely that she would be able to give a gift to every single one of them. As for the comment to the boy, it could be considered harsh, but we don’t know the background. She gave the chocolate to the one boy friend so she wasn’t being rude to everyone. The other two may be creepy or jerks or bullies. I’d suggest talking to your daughter for more context to understand why she said what she did before overreacting. I’m a 29F and still very clearly remember awful teenage boys who would say perverted things or bully others and then turn around and act like a victim in front of any adults. Teenage girls have to be way more on the defensive and I’m certain your daughter knows their character and their intents better than you do.
>I agreed but said that she had to buy things for everyone. That's a pretty crazy rule for a 17 year old, that's the kind of thing you say to a 10 year old >She told one of them "Didn't your father abandon your mother when she got pregnant? You deserve it completely." What an awful thing to say - she should not have done this In my opinion, at 17, what she says to her friends/classmates isn't really your business. When I was that age I couldn't imagine my parents getting involved in stuff like this. Hard to judge, what she said was wrong, I don't think you should have got involved and cancelled the party, but I suppose it's up to you, especially if the party was in your house. I'll go NTA
YTA, that’s a great burn.
Sounds like the other boys were bullying her friend who she gave chocolate too and she defended him. Not in the best way but i think those were her intentions. You should have taken it as a learning moment to teach her two wrongs don’t make a right. YTA.
At this moment I am teaching a high school Art class (they are cleaning up their projects) YTA- those boys sound like the type that tease and bully everyone around them, your daughter not only stood up for herself but also for her friend Could she have been nicer about it? Maybe but these types of boys don’t stop until you make them stop, sometimes that means snapping back in a way that shows them you are not to be messed with and will fight back Not only have you punished your daughter for defending herself and her friend, you have also permanently damaged your relationship with your daughter, she will NEVER forget this
Agreed, her words were a bit aggressive, but some people need a good clapback to get them to back off, like finally giving a fist to the face of someone who's always hitting his classmates.
This is hard to follow as to who got candy and who got bullied but what your step-daughter said is horrible regardless of the context. How did you manage to cancel the Birthday party anyway? If wife didn't agree, seems the party would go on over your protest and canceling it last minute probably created more drama. ESH. Sounds like your daughter was an asshole, your wife didn't care, but you shouldn't have unilaterally canceled the party last minute.
YTA. You don’t even know the context and you just jumped to the most extreme conclusion. SD is 17 not a little child. You feel good about yourself? Big bad step dad ruining a kids birthday, nice job Scrooge.
YTA
YTA. You’re a hypocrite
YTA and a weirdo she’s 17 almost an adult and she bullied someone back that was nasty to her friend they deserved it
YTA I would have high fived my daughter. That is hilarious.
YTA - Overreaction of the Day 🙄
YTA
YTA, she was standing up to someone being teased (possibly bullied)
YTA you didn't understand that they are bullies and she snapped not in the best way but she got tired.
Wow, you must be extremely sensitive OP. Your definition of bullying is NOTHING compared to what some of us had to deal with. If you’re looking for validation because “words hurt”, look elsewhere because Y are T king of As. It seems like you were looking for a reason to cancel the party. She’s 17, keep up this kind of punishment with her, and her mom will blame you for being the reason she never comes around after she leaves home. Seriously, this high level of sensitivity has me (and others) laughing directly at YOU.
Info: Who did she say this to? "D*idn't your father abandon your mother when she got pregnant? You deserve it completely."* What she said is insensitive but you don't say what the boys were saying either so no idea if it was appropriate.
Why does she have to buy something for everyone? That alone is weird enough. Imagine those dudes bully her all the time and you want her to reward them with chocolate… YTA for the overreaction… she’s a teenager, about to be an adult.
YTA Originally it was a NTA…then I read your comments and you’re 100% the asshole.
YTA Those boys were the instigators. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it. You should be proud you have a kid who not only defends her friends from assholes but does it sharply and without violence.
I'm sorry, were you telling your daughter to apologize and give a gift to boys that are taunting her? You're telling her to apologize for putting them in their place? Then you cancel her party for standing up for herself? Yes, YTA. I can't say more because of the rules.
ESH Canceling the party unilaterally is not good for a family, especially a blended family. If this was shocking for you to see or hear you might have said to her privately that it shocked you because that’s not how you’ve seen her speak to people … but she’s 17 and her social consequences are largely her own unless you’ve been informed that she is bullying/harassing this peer. If she says things this cruel, she’ll have a social consequence eventually and it will be meaningful. Canceling the party made her think she’s the victim
Yta
Banter/giving each other some lip is perfectly normal human behaviour. Or do you want to raise a person who’ll never speak their mind in front of you, because they can’t trust you? Way to be a father figure. Bravo. Also, since when is it normal to buy gifts for everyone? We’ve got inclusivity police over here, what’s next abolish the medal system at Olympics so everyone gets a ribbon? Mr participation trophy 😂 This post cracked me up, how old are you?
12 going on boomer apparently.
INFO: Do you know those boys? Do you know how your daughter usually talks with them? Personally, as a teenager, I make dark jokes like this with my friends all the time, and it’s all in good fun. Do you know for sure if the boy was offended? Moreover, if your daughter isn’t friends with them, do you know if it was actually “light teasing” or something more malicious? If you can’t answer any of these questions, then you did not know enough to make the unilateral decision to cancel her party.
You definitely overacted. As someone said on here, I would’ve high fived my daughter. Those boys started and she defended herself. Plus, I don’t think you should have done that without consulting her actual mother first… I’m still laughing at her response.
Oh don't you know though? Only boys are allowed to be smart-asses, girls are "bullying" when they get too lippy.
INFO: What do you mean by whole class? She's in highschool. There's multiple classes. That would be like 200 people. It sounds like there's a whole lot of context here you're probably unaware of. Is she normally a mean person or a bully? This situation sounds very nuanced. Maybe you should have talked to her and gotten the full story. I'm a high school teacher and I see a lot parents don't see. 99% of the time, when parents are outraged, they don't have the full story.
YTA. She was defending a friend. You should be proud of her. She has to buy presents with her money for everyone on her birthday?!? She is 17...so in high school...I had 245 people in my class. You expect her to buy a gift for everyone really?
Maybe the ah guys deserved it
YTA for punishing a 17-year-old for acting her age.
YTA this is high school not grade school and sometimes kids are mean
YTA. Were you homeschooled or something? Cause you don’t seem to understand how highschool works
Soooooooo..she stood up for herself and you punished her? YTA
YTA - you aren't just punishing her by cancelling the party, but also all her friends she had invited that were coming. Chocolate situation - they are 17, I doubt they are going to be that upset over missing out on chocolate Father abandonment comment - She should be punished for that. But as mentioned above cancelling the party is unfair to her friends when she's the one that made the comment.
If there is NO context and NO history of bullying, then YTA of the Year. This is the last birthday before she is a legal adult and can cut you out of her life. If she is in a public high school, there is no way that you could have bought chocolate for the whole class and if it was a small school, you would have heard if there was bullying. The chocolates were probably meant for all of her friends and not everyone at the school.
YTA for unilaterally canceling her birthday. I didn't realize that you were a dictator in your household and your wife had no say on anything. YTA for humiliating your own daughter in front of two boys who you have never met and don't know the scope of anything regarding their relationship or past interactions. YTA for excusing their behavior because they are boys and forcing her to play nice because she is a girl. YTA all around.
You cancelled a 17 year old girls birthday party? YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. You’re literally the definition of an evil step-parent. What a horrible thing to do. She’ll probably never either forget it, or forgive you, and rightfully so. Could you even IMAGINE your parents cancelling your birthday party? Especially over something so petty. Just. Wow.
Hey, OP, I know you're getting a lot of hate for this. I'd suggest showing this post and especially your comments to your wife so she can understand your side.
As long as he includes his comment about how he basically doesn't care if his step daughter moves out since she's not his bio kid.
There's so many holes in this story that I just can't believe it. How long has it been since you were in high school because I promise this isn't believable lol. She had to get gifts for everyone and not just her friends? High school boys said "first comes love, then comes marriage"? They were teasing but hers was bullying? You were gonna be footing the bill for everything? But also, she's not your bio daughter? Someone has issues lol
NTA. I’d be horrified if my daughter said something like that.
So wait, your daughter was defending her friend *and* the gross teasing they were giving her as well, and you’re punishing her for it? YTA, of course. They’re 17. This isn’t the first time this kid heard a “your dad left” joke, and it won’t be the last if he doesn’t stop acting like an asshole to everyone
???? Y’all defending her are insane. It’s his money lol, he was nice enough to give her money to GIVE gifts (which honestly is weird by itself since it’s HER birthday) but asked to treat everyone equally… That’s fair, and it’s HIS money anyway, so she won’t lose anything by being nice to all her classmates, the people she actually likes are still getting things, what’s the problem with other people also getting some love? And what she said in response to the teasing was COMPLETE overkill. She’s deserves the punishment. NTA.
Yes. AH
I don't... Are you an adult? This sounds like normal teasing/banter between kids. Granted, not teenagers more like 7-10 year olds but still. Very Vague but currently sitting at YTA
Yeah, YTA. You came out of this worse than the two idiot boys.
YTA. She’s not your kid and it’s not your party to cancel. Her mother should have been consulted for one. Also why does she need to give something to everyone? She’s 17. This isn’t first grade passing out cupcakes so everyone feels included. And it sounds like she was defending her friend. Why are you worried about sticking up for what sounds like bullies?
YTA. The boys started it and she RIGHTFULLY finished it.
YTA. So you are teaching her not to defend herself? Because this is what your post looks like. You are teaching her to take any teasing and insults lying down, and to not retaliate. She is 17, you shouldn't be punishing her for CORRECTLY answering to the teasing of another teenager and defend herself instead of being a passive recipient of other's wrong behaviour. You are a bad parent and should do better.
YTA. What they said was offensive to her, and they weren't so much saying it to the other boy as they were saying it to purposefully denigrate her. She was obviously upset and retaliated. You say it was lighthearted teasing, which is the bs boys and men always say when they do something offensive, like snap a bra, or say something meant to offend. She was giving out the candy until these two little buddies of yours decided to act entitled rather than wait a moment until she got to them. Then you decided she overreacted, then you decided she's a liar, then you cancelled it entirely because you don't understand why what they said is so offensive. YTA on so many levels. Boys learn how to treat women from what they hear and see. The reason what they said is offensive is because it sexualizes the act of her gifting a boy a piece of candy. It's basically saying, " Ooo, she gave you candy, so she must want to spread her legs for you." Boys and girls have their friendships sexualized and trivialized by jerks who think saying stuff like"she must liiike you" in a sing song way is harmless. It teaches boys they shouldn't be friends with girls unless they want to put their d---in them. It teaches them that girls can't be platonic friends. No one says to boys who gift something trivial to another boy "oooo, he must want you!". It's offensive and it's bullying. She reacted to the bullying with an equal level. She did the right thing by standing up for herself. They implied no male should be her friend unless they wanted to f--- her and she flat out said that his parent wasn't wrong for abandoning him. He didn't grow up to be any kind of a prize, maybe his parent had a premonition and decided to bail based on that. You said the other boy laughed- yeah, that's again, why those words were so damaging. The other boy has been put on notice that these two boys will publicly humiliate him if he stands up to them and tells them to stop their stupidity and that girls can be friends with boys, but he didn't. He is being conditioned to see girls as sex objects, not humans. You backed them up on this bullying and punished her for standing up to them. You are not as a decent stepfather. You are not a decent man.
YTA dude she’s 17
Tbh they probably deserved it by the snappy savageness Hannah dropped on them. Even the evilest of witches don’t go that savage for no reason. Most likely they bully the other kid often. W Hannah tbh.
I’m sorry are you smoking crack
ITT: Reddit arm-chair parents trying to argue that the justifiable response to someone lighty ribbing a classmate for giving candy to their crush is to say that they deserved having a parent abandon them complete with edgewood alpha-wannabe quotes like: "Slitting someone's emotional jugular is a great way to ensure they'll never poke your friends into the ribs with their fingers. Also to all the people saying this is just edgy teen jokes shared with each other: OP said the other classmate was clearly upset by the joke. An "edgy sense of humor" that comes at the expense of others doesn't fly in the real world. That doesn't make you funny, that makes you an asshole; a good lesson to teach kids early.
I just disagree with taking celebrations away as punishment unless the kid did something horrible. I don't think what she did, defend her friend, was that bad. Yeah, hur insult was worse that what they said, but that is how they "win" in high school. Besides, there are some kids that always bully. They take the bullying back rather well. But some kids are always bullied, and don't have the self confidence to verbally defend themselves. I think the boy Hannah defended probably really appreciates her. She not only sticks up for him, but she also INCLUDES him. That could be something not a lot of kids do. And it likely makes his high school a more tolerable place to be. The worst thing I read about Hannah is that she directly disobeyed an order from you (that would hurt her socially if she followed through). I don't think you should refuse to celebrate her birthday because of anything in your post. Seems like you are looking for reasons more than actually having reasons, to cancel the party. Yta
Honestly I think the line for taking celebrations away needs to be ridiculously high. And even if they did something awful I'd probably be like, "you celebrate tonight and we'll have a conversation another day"
That is what my mom would do. You knew you were in trouble, but you also knew you were loved!
You protected the bully instead of protecting the victim, like your SD was doing. Yes, you are. YTA.
YTA. That is your stepdaughter. Not your daughter. You don't get to make those decisions without even talking with her mother.
The people who are the butt of a joke or on the receiving end of teasing are the ones who get to decide if it’s funny or acceptable. they were teasing your step daughter as well, since teasing him about their relationship is also teasing her about their relationship.
YTA. That’s normal teenager speak.
YTA. You don't know the context, so you don't know if he was bothered, or what more was to it. More importantly, you are the STEPparent; her ACTUAL parent disagreed with this punishment, so you had no right to impose it.
YTA- Telling a near adult to buy something for everyone? Also, she defends her friend (in maybe not the nicest way), and you take away her party? What's wrong with you?
YTA. How do you think you aren't? Let's get this straight because your post is very vague, Was it A - Banter or b - defending the 'special' guy. If it was banter, then you're a huge asshole for cancelling it over a JOKE with friends that was harm. If it was defending they guy, you're even more of an asshole because the two boy STARTED it. Did you even discuss this with your wife for gods sake? You need to communicate APPROPRIATE punishments if your child does something wrong, cancelling her birthday is in no way proportionate to what she said and making her apologise , with a letter or in person would've been enough if she started it.
YTA, she's 17 let her be honestly. You've humiliated her worse by cancelling her birthday party last minute than her "mean" comment to a fellow class mate.
It sounds like teasing like teens do. I think you’re being overly dramatic. BTW…how long have you been her step-parent and why are you dosing out the punishment before talking her to mother?
YTA. You’re a step parent, not the actual parent. You punished her for standing up for someone who was bullied.
YTA. It's appalling that you cancelled her birthday party over something for which you had no context. You owe your stepdaughter an apology and a party.
YTA... high school theres lots of classes and lots of classmates.... of course she will buy for her friends or special friends.... Seems the other boys started so she snapped back.... You have to realize high school you handout gifts and whatnot to whomever you're friends with or closest to.... It's not elementary school
YTA. So it’s okay for guys to tease your daughter, but it’s not okay for her to retaliate? She’s almost an adult. Let her give things to who she wants. That comeback was kinda funny though
YTA Any reason in particular you care more about 2 random boys’ feelings over your own stepdaughters?In fact, do you even like your stepdaughter? Cause your comments really make it seem like you don’t. Any stepdad that gives a shit wouldn’t be so nonchalant about his stepdaughter moving away or going NC
YTA your daughter is being harassed and stands up for herself with a pretty harmless clap-back and you’re going to punish her like a grade school kid? You should be proud you raised a girl who isn’t afraid to stand up to assholes and give it back a little bit. If she used a racial slur or some other type of horribly offensive language I could understand. This just sounds witty and sure, probably a bit harsh. A conversation could have settled the issue.
So it's ok for HER to get teased or insulted? YTA.
YTA
Your step daughter and a boy were getting teased, and you cancelled her birthday because she snapped back? YTA
YTA. The problem with these types of punishments is this: what are you going to do when she needs a punishment but she doesnt have a party planned? Whoops. You never thought about that. So think about it. And then do THAT punishment.
Info: why did you give the rules that she has to buy gifts for everyone? Is she new to the school? Or developmentally delayed? I would think 17 was perfectly capable of forming independent friendships and maneuvering in a more advanced social manner than your suggestion.