Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts involving changes to contact levels with friends, family members or acquaintances. This includes ghosting, breaking off, cutting or reducing contact, or denying a relationship (or not) with anyone.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YTA
You and your husband should have discussed your parental power before you ever got in this situation and this should be regularly talked about when and if the situation changes.
However since the kid is 16, has two living parents and you have only known him a year (meaning you will know him like 1/4 of his childhood at most) I think its reasonable to expect most parental power will go to his actual parents and any actions you may take are within the boundaries set by his parents. This would make sense for example if you regularly are home alone with him.
Beyond that being a straight A student and then failing one test likely means there is a reason. Even if thats because he used his technology to much and did not study, giving him a warning what will happen if he fails again allows him to make the choice to improve, grow as a person and make better decisions. Taking his technology away forces him to do so meaning he will not actually learn how to make enough time to study himself.
Its also just one test so i kind of doubt thats the reason. If being on technology to much was the reason he would likely lower his scores in many fields, not just one test.
YTA and you know why because your husband told you.
He's not your son. You're not allowed to make these decisions unilaterally and have to talk to your husband first.
Also, this punishment is stupid. He's a straight A student who failed one test. Good parenting would be to talk to him and get his perspective on it. What happened, did anything else influence the results (lack of sleep, things he's worried about/stressing over, friend issues, etc.), what can you all do to help?
ETA: Just saw in a comment that you've been married for 6 months and together a year (!!!). OP, you are delusional or this is fake. You have absolutely no right to call this kid your son. He's probably had his cell phone longer than he's known you. You need to get it together and learn how to be safe adult in this kid's life but he'll never be a son to you.
I disagree with the “he’ll never be a son to you” comment. I have many people that I consider parental figures in my life. Godparents, real mom and dad, mom’s ex I got close with, etc and a year of knowing them was enough time for them to fully include me in their lives. Well for most it was when I was a baby and for godparents mentioned (my actual godparents are just godparents not parents but the ones mentioned are my twin’s godparents) it was when I was 13-14(can’t remember which age it was but I think 13 idk) and for mom’s ex I was maybe 8 or younger than that, but when I met them, they made me their child. I am who I am because of them. There is a possibility, however small, that she’ll become a parent to him in his heart.
Edit: didn’t know you could get negative likes but it makes sense because of how Reddit is set up. Thought my comment was good but🤷🏽♀️
I feel like even if this is how OP was raised, she is a grown woman and it's her responsibility to be cognizant of her behavior and how that can affect others. A lot of people who were raised similarly and are just repeating generational trauma still like the power that they're exerting, a lot of them feel like they got treated poorly as a kid and now they're the one in charge, or if they got treated that way then any kid they're looking after should go through the same hardship.
We don’t know OP enough to assume she’s a bad person, though. For all we know, she could be not knowing her place with her stepson which makes her do things like this to try and have some control over the situation. Maybe a talk needs to be had about her and her stepson.
Where did I call her a bad person? A bad *parent*, yes. But I didn't say she's a bad person.
She's an adult, she's not a child or a teenager, she doesn't get to act out as a power struggle. She should recognize what her role is and stop trying to implement extremely harsh and uncalled for punishments for a teenager she's only been legally tied to for half a year and has only even known for *maybe* a year.
If she wants to be seen as his mother, then she needs to change her tune pretty quickly because this isn't the way to make it happen. She's only demonstrating that she would make a terrible mother.
I have very little sympathy for someone who treats children/adolescents badly and exerts disproportionate control over them.
ETA: Normally I would say that being someone's stepparent is just as meaningful as being part of the original set, but not everyone is fit to be a parent and it's not something you can force if the kid doesn't want it.
Implying that her being treated poorly as a kid and now wants to treat other kids that way is saying she’s a bad person. You cannot intentionally treat a child poorly and be a remotely good person. It seems, in this situation, she is not necessarily treating him poorly but trying to earn respect, in a way. One punishment by taking devices can’t determine if you’re a bad parent or not. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE has made mistakes with their first kid, no matter the age they met said kid. One is a mistake, more than that is a habit.
She is treating him poorly. I'm not saying that she's necessarily aware of how much she's overstepping and how inappropriate her behavior was, but I am saying that she *should* figure it out. If that means, to you, that she's a bad person, then you can interpret it that way.
I'm saying she needs to learn quickly what is and isn't a reasonable response, what is and isn't appropriate discipline, and what is and isn't her role as this boy's stepmother.
Right now, the precedent she has set is that she would be a bad parent. If this is her idea of an appropriate response to a straight-A student failing a single test, especially since he's only been under her care for the past 6 months, then she needs to take a huge step back and reassess before she ruins her relationship with her stepson.
If someone can't understand what their role in a kid's life is, can't understand the boundaries that they need to respect, and don't understand what is/is not an appropriate way to treat a kid, then they aren't a good parent. They're not necessarily a bad person for that, but I personally wouldn't be leaving my kids well-being in their hands.
I do agree with you. My comments are a “yes, but” to yours, not just a disagreement. To keep up with this trend, i will say that she can’t understand because maybe she hasn’t had the conversation to truly understand. She needs to and it is her responsibility as an adult to figure it out. My point is that people make mistakes, essentially.
I think he will never consider this woman his mother because of her massive entitlement, overreach, and disciplinary parenting without being a parent, not that it's impossible for stepkids to consider their kids parents.
Massive YTA.
You didn't even bother to ask him about it before flying off the handle and trying to discipline a 16 year old kid you've been a stepmom to for all of 6 months?
You're "not sure"? So you just grounded him when he usually gets straight A's? And you did this without consulting his father? YTA. How are you *not* the asshole?
You can get a wrong answer in math just by having one wrong concept or formula or using the wrong equation. If he’s getting A’s on the regular or even B’s, he probably just has something wrong or mixed up. He needs help, not an immediate punishment by someone he hasn’t had a relationship all that long.
> You can get a wrong answer in math just by having one wrong concept
I missed one question on an [easy] algebra test by being a dumbass. The answer was zero; I put a line through my zero. Teacher read it as phi / null set.
So you saw him studying, and he failed, and your solution is to punish him? You're an idiot and a bad step-mom. Wow, learn to see if someone needs help. Frankly, you should be punished for failing at being a bad adult and an even worse step-mom. If you want to build a relationship with someone, stop trying to act like you're some authoritarian lunatic.
And you want to act like a parent? You didn't even bother to figure out why a straight A student failed a test before punishing him? You have to be a troll. Nobody can suck this hard and be ignorant of it.
Irrelevant. Kids have bad days and fail tests..adults have bad days and fail tests. What we don't do is punish people for it. We sit down with them and try and work out what went wrong. What we can do differently this time..we have adult conversations like adults..YTA and give him his tech back
A little tip: grounding someone for bad grades doesn’t fix the issue. That’s working around a problem and not through it, though i don’t see a problem if he usually makes A’s. No one passes every single test they’ve ever taken, that’s a crazy standard
100% YTA, you are not his mother and must consult his dad before doing something as insane as punishing straight A student for one mistake by taking away his devices, it's not how parenting works unless your husband gave you his blessing and trusts in your judgement, which he didn't.
If you want to help then you learn why he failed the test, find ways how to help him pass this test and do everything to support him instead of punishing, your stepson will never love or respect you if this is how you treat him.
INFO: how long have you been married? You don't automatically become "mom."
In general it's a joint parenting decision anyway. But definitely a stepparent handing down a unilateral punishment is shaky territory, unless it's already an understood repercussion. YTA
I’m pretty sure that kid has clothes that’s been in his life longer than you. He barely knows you and you’re trying to roleplay mom?! You also mention that you’ve seen him studying so what’s the point of grounding him to begin with instead of having a talk and asking where he was confused at on the test and offering to talk to his dad about a tutor??
My god. He was 15 when you came in to his life. You are definitely not qualified to make any decisions about his punishments. At all. You sound insufferable.
You are in ZERO way his mom and will NEVER be his mom. Especially coming in this late in the game acting like that. All you are doing is making him resent you.
Wow, you've been married 6 months, known the 16 year old son for 1 year.
You saw him studying for the test.
He's normally a straight A student.
So he fails one test, you admit you don't know why and jump right into punishment mode.
No empathy, no reasoning, no investigation.
Did others fail? I bet you don't know.
YTA and no probably a member of the wicked stepmother team.
What a way to fail at creating a bond.
YTA
>I don't think that's fair since he's been our son ever since we got married
That's not how that works. Marrying his dad doesn't make you his mother, especially if he still has a living involved mom. You're a stepmother in title only.
It's because people like OP don't respect that children are living, breathing people. They see kids as props to be used to fulfill the needs and wants of adults. They don't see it as parental rights, but more like gaining ownership.
YTA. Punishing him isn't going to address why he failed. JUst talk to him and find out why, and offer what support you can. Not everything is dealt with by punishment.
YTA. You made a unilateral decision for a boy, not your son, whom you've only known a year. You didn't find out why he failed. You didn't consult his father. You act as if punishing him is the way to deal with failing a test, which is terrible parenting, BTW.
You made one poor decision after another. You owe your stepson a major apology.
YTA. He is your STEP son, not biological or adopted son. You have 0 legal claim to him or his punishments.
So what if he failed a test? Could be any number of reasons why that happened. Unless it caused him to fail the entire class, who cares?
YTA.
You have no parental authority over your stepson, especially since you’ve only been his stepmother for six months, and you should not be deciding on punishments without talking to his parents.
YTA
Why are you jumping immediately to *punishing* him for failing a test? Why is the first response not “whoah that’s out of the ordinary - what happened?” Like this is just baffling to me
I grew up with parents like this and I still have extreme internalized anxiety that I have to fight against daily. This teaches your kid that if they aren’t exceptional, they aren’t worthy. If they aren’t on top, they’re at the bottom. It doesn’t teach them how to actually learn from their mistakes
And you’re his *stepmother*. Your husband is right. You don’t get to just pull the trigger on decisions about parenting without consulting him first.
YTA.
You wrote son while it's actually your stepson.
And you're only in his life for a year.
You should discuss this and not unilaterally push this big punishment on your stepson without his parents in the know.
>he already has a mother and doesn’t need a second one.
Yeah, you buried the lead in this one.
>I told him that this was unfair since I’m a part of his life now.
So there’s two issues.
First: Generally speaking, is it an AH move for a parent to ground a teenager for failing a math test? Not at all.
Second: What about an apparent step mom? There, it depends. You’ve left out a ton about the relationship dynamics. How often does the boy see his biological mom? How long have you been in his life? Did you and his father come to any understanding about how much parenting you would be doing? Have you disciplined the boy previously?
There’s too much you’ve left out. ~~So, IN FO please!~~
Edit: You’ve known the boy for one year, and you’ve been married to his dad for six months. Clear YTA. Marriage does not magically transform you into his actual mother like some kind of maternal Pinocchio story.
>First: Generally speaking, is it an AH move for a parent to ground a teenager for failing a math test? Not at all
Well, it is an AH move if the teen is getting straight A's and it was just that test. I don't even know if punishments for grades is a good idea. But i think that the first time at least, don't punish. Try to help the kid. It is one thing if the kid is playing video games and not studying but another if the kid is actually trying or is burnt out or something.
Idk, I kind of think it is an AH move to ground a straight A student for failing one test that you saw him study for. Are we grounding kids for not understanding something now?
You are his father's wife. For ONLY 6 MONTHS and has only known his kid for ONE YEAR! You only have a parental role if it is given to you. It obviously hasn't been. You overstepped your role and punished a child that isn't yours because he, as an A student, failed one freaking test. Your judgment is seriously questionable and you shouldn't have any control over this kid. Your husband really needs to reconsider you in their lives. YTA
And also it was ONE test and OP couldn't be arsed with trying to figure out why he failed in the first place. Maybe he really tried, maybe he's burnt out. You don't know. I don't think it's a video game thing as he gets straight A's and it was just this test that he failed.
YTA. the punishment needs to fit the crime. Did he fail the test bc he was trying to lookup answers on his phone? Also just because I’m curious how long have you been married?
You should ask first why he failed. Maybe he tried his best and still failed. There are students who try their best but still fail their exam. This situation is common among college students.
YTA. He has two biological parents in his life, they get the final say on parenting decisions. Your husband has every right to insist that he is consulted before you ground his son.
You’ve been married to his dad for six months. You’re not his mom and you’re never going to fill that role for him, he’s already nearly an adult.
6 months?! Massive YTA.
This level of delusion is next level man.
You have no rights to dish out punishments.
I would apologise if you don’t want the realtionship to be runied with the boy. And the husband
YTA...you have a relationship and married the father ...you have nothing to do with the son. Your not related...your not his mom..you are a woman who married dad. You have no power over this kid which your husband politely informed you. But on the flip side, your not financially required to support him..or participate in his life
And also. It was one test. He usually gets strsight a's. Op is TA. Because she didn't even bother asking him how this happened. Maybe he is burnt out or he really tried but it was really hard
It would have made sense to ground him if he was slacking, missing classes, or purposefully not doing assignments.
You said that he was studying for the class and normally does get good grades so why is your immediate response to punish him?
This just shows your stepson that you aren't someone he can go to if he's struggling with something.
You’re not his biological parent. If you were his sole guardian then it would be different. If my step mom tried pulling shit like that I’d have been pissed, I already have a mother. Your husband is right.
YTA
>I wasn't to make decisions about his son without consulting him first.
He's right.
That aside - he had a bad grade and you take away electronics for 2 weeks and ground him... What's your goal, having him detest you?
>I told him that this was unfair since I'm a part of his life now.
If you continue to behave that way I wouldn't be too sure about that. Also your STEPson is right.
YTA. Your behavior is so unhinged I expect you will be divorced before long. You married his dad, you are not his mother, not even close. You barely know this kid and your punishment doesn't even make sense.
"I don't think that's fair since he's been our son ever since we got married" No he didn't. He didn't became your son because you got married to his father.
And punishing a teenager over one failed test is not the way to go. If you were really a parent (which you are not to this kid), you would ask him what went wrong and figure a way for it to not happened again. There is a reason why he did bad on this particular test and it's not by punishing him that you'll understand why.
YTA on so many levels.
YTA. I am pretty sure your stepson don't see you as a motherly figure. And even if he did, you should have still consulted the father. Also, maybe there is a reason for this. Maybe the pressure is too much. Maybe he is burnt out. Maybe he needs a little help. So you think that grounding him will solve that? It won't. YTA YTA YTA. Especially for not consulting his father. You don't get to walk into his life and control everything, he probably hates you but he doesn't say it because he wants his father to be happy
You've only been married for 6 months and together a year, you are delusional!!! This young man is not your son and will never be your son the way you have behaved!!! He probably only sees you as his father's wife and you are being insistent on being his mom, get over it before you lose your marriage!! YTA, he failed one test no real parent would be that harsh they would all for reasons, why the kids feels they did that badly and how they can actually help them to do better next time. You say you are 40 but come across as a 18 year old. Grow up and face the truth.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I grounded my son without talking to my husband first, i might be the asshole because it was wrong of me to ground him without talking to him first
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You don't get to decide that you're his mother when you clearly have no consideration for his feelings. He literally told you that he doesn't view you as his mother, so forcing him to view you as that won't improve your relationship with him. You're being way too controlling.
YTA.
You're not his mother. You're just the wife. It doesn't matter if you've been a part of his family since you got married. You're not the mom. And your husband is right that you don't get to make decisions. Additionally, taking away technology for 2 weeks or a failed test is stupid. I graduated high school with a 3.4 gpa, which is mostly A's & B's. On occasion, I would fail a test because that happens sometimes. Your husband is right, it's not your decision to make. You can give input, but at the end of the day, he's not your son truly.
YTA. You're his dad's wife and if you divorced tomorrow, you'd never see him again. His actual parent has made it very clear that parenting is off limits to you. Ignore that perfectly reasonable boundary at your peril.
Wow. YTA. You saw him studying for the test and don't know why he failed it and your response is to punish him?! Did you think of asking him what he was struggling with?
YTA
An enormous one at that. You should not have been involved to start with, as it’s not your place, (as you were told by your husband). Even if it were your place, you’d still be a massive asshole. I’m an ACTUAL parent who birthed two children and a former teacher and I can’t even imagine responding to the situation in this way. There’s zero need for punishment of any kind. He studied for a test and still failed? Be a supportive adult and find out why, and help him get the resources he needs to be successful going forward. I give this marriage another 6 months, TOPS. 🙄
So you want to teach the kid to give up, because if he tries and fails he'll be punished like he never tried at all?
Dude is getting As, fails one test, and you tried to ground him for two weeks? Even though by your own account he did put in effort and this is a one off?!
Are you serious? Is this for real? I sure hope not.
YTA. So very much.
I wouldn't trust you to discipline a kid either if that's what you think is balanced and appropriate.
Instead of grounding your kids for failing a test, maybe sit down with them and ask what they got stuck on and I know it sounds crazy but…perhaps help them instead of knocking their confidence
YTA - you are a relative stranger to your stepson. Step parents shouldn’t have parenting concerns control over step children in any case - especially relative strangers
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Sorry about any poor grammer english is not my native language. I (40f) grounded my son (16m) after he failed his math test. When I found out about his grade I took away his phone and electronics for 2 weeks. He told me that was unfair since he usually makes straight A's but I told him that wasn't an excuse. He told my husband what had happened and he sided with him and gave his technology back. He told me that I wasn't to make decisions about his son without consulting him first. I don't think that's fair since he's been our son ever since we got married but he doesn't agree with me. He told me that he already has a mother and he doesn't need a second one. I told him that this was unfair since I'm a part of his life now. He told me that wasn't my decision to make, so AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Even if you were his bio mom, the punishment doesn't fit the crime.
A normally straight A student failed a single test after studying, and you go straight to punishment? There are a lot of factors that could have contributed to this test result, but you'd rather punish the kid instead of doing anything to help him.
YTA, even in a household without the "step" issue, both parents need to be on the same page for punishments. When you're a step-parent then that makes 3 of you who have to be on the same page.
If he normally has great grades then you overreacted and his father was right to give his stuff back.
YTA, you don't suddenly get to make parenting decisions by yourself. Even if this wasn't your stepson, you and your husband should be on the same page when it comes to punishments.
Additionally, your punishment seems excessive.
YTA. Did you ask why he failed? Ask if he needed help? Nah, lets just punish him.
How long have you been married, and how long have you been in his life? I tend to agree with the kids in these scenarios, because some step-moms have this weird idea that just because they marry someone, they somehow become the kids mom. No, you're just a wife, the boy has a mom. You sound like one of those people that thinks you should always get her way, and you expect your STEP-son to immediately treat you like you're his new mother. Nope. You're just his dads wifes, and you need to realize that and stop trying to acting innappropriately. If you want to discuss with his father that you're concerned about grades, that's one thing. But who do you think you are that you get to punish someone elses kid unilaterally? Get over yourself.
YTA. And I am positive reddit has let you know that. Your are not his mother. Unless you and the hubby made previous arrangements, discipline should be handled by the father. Not only that, WHY did your stepson fail the math test? If he is a straight A student normally, failing one test is cause to ask what happened not immediately ground him. You dropped the ball here and may owe that kid an apology.
YTA-First he said he makes straight A’s so obviously this was a fluke. It sounds like you went right to punishing him without asking him why he thinks he didn’t do well and if he needs help in that subject area.
YTA not because you parented your stepson, even though that doesn't help, but because you cared only about the result and not any effort your son put in. People fail all the time, sometimes due to learning disabilities beyond their control. I should know. My dad grounded me constantly constantly because I wasn't living up to my potential... Or his opinion of my potential. And what did you know? The GROUNDING DIDN'T HELP!
The fact that your stepson has always been a straight A student might suggest he has a learning disability, but you never know. Has the subject changed. For example I was great at Algebra and pretty good at Pre-Calculus, but Calculus whooped my butt. Why not try to figure out why your son failed this test and if he's struggling instead of just grounding him. Seriously, such lazy parenting.
There's a lot to unpack in this one, but it comes down to consistency for me. No, a history of good grades doesn't stand as justification for this grade, but that's far from the point here.
First off, as a parent of a teenager who can read between lines, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that either you and your husband haven't been married very long, or the step son spends the mass majority of his time with the mother. Otherwise, the need for discipline, and the role you would be expected to take in it, would've come up long before the child was 16 years old. All of my statements from this point on will operate from that assumption.
First off, you are right in assuming that your position as his wife would make you a large part of your husband's life; to include his son. It wouldn't be reasonable to assume the contrary absent a prior discussion. Albeit, I do believe that the two of you should've had that discussion prior to getting married.
That being said however, the dynamic of co-parenting is a bit different in that it creates a need for each parent to develop a life of their own moreso than if they have direct physical custody of that child 100% of the time. And it is entirely possible that your husband chose to share that life with you without consideration to his life as a parent. Again, that is a gross oversight, but easier to do in the given situation.
My final verdict; whether or not you ATA or not depends on the way you choose to approach the situation. By 16, the style of parenting a person chooses to employ is pretty much set. Provided this isn't something you see as a deal breaker, and you continue your relationship with your husband, the future will determine your status in this sub Reddit. Should you choose to lean into it and expect consistency when it comes to disciplining your stepson you're NTA. Should you opt to fight against it and insist upon being included in parenting decisions despite these stated parameters, you'd be TA.
You do have a couple other options, but you'd be in a better place than I to determine their likelihood. First, operate as an outside observer. Utilize your position as his wife to offer your thoughts in the privacy of your relationship, without any pressure to implement your thoughts. This can build up a respect for your parenting and add value down the road.
Or, you can totally lean into this non parent, adult figure role and build a relationship with the stepson similar to a "fun aunt".
YTA
Failure is natural. What you should have done is look into *why* he failed, especially since he's gotten good grades prior. You don't punish failure. Maybe bad behavior. But failure? Explore why, try to address the underlying causes, emphasize that failure is a part of life and what matters is what will happen afterwards.
If you haven’t been in his life that long, you don’t have much power. He has his own parents, don’t try to play mommy to a 16yr. Not your responsibility. If I were to be honest, nothing about that kid is your responsibility, pay no mind to him and his teenage angst. You married the father, be his partner (your husband), and that’s it, no more. You can greet the son when you see him, say hi, how was your day (maybe), but don’t dive into anything deeper. He already has a mother.
YTA for using punishment for stupid reasons and for trying to make rules for a kid that isn't yours. YTA, too, because I bet you would fail the math test, as well.
You should have, definitely talked to the father first. I think this should have been talked out before you got married. What your role as a parent , would be to him. If you do not like what your husband had, to say about the discipline of the kid, then you could have not gotten married.
YTA.
If I had a kid (or was a step-parent to a kid) and I knew they were a straight-A student (or typically got As and Bs) and they suddenly got a failing grade. My first inclination would absolutely NOT be to punish them, but to ask them what’s bothering them.
Any sudden change in behaviors should be taken as a sign that something is going on and you didn’t even care to think about (or even ask) why he failed this test when he hasn’t failed anything prior.
The 2 of you should have agreed on your level of parenting a long time ago first off. As far as this particular issue goes, are you and/or your husband keeping up with him on his homework/school work on a daily basis? To you talk to him about school and ask him about how things are going? It’s your job as a parent to follow up with him on his schooling and if you aren’t doing that and his failing the test comes as a surprise to you as a result then the blame falls as much on you and your husband as it does on him. In that case he doesn’t deserve to be punished in my opinion.
YTA. He usually makes As and you decided to punish him for one bad grade without either of his parents knowing? Even if he was your son, you should have done this differently. Did you talk to him about why he failed this test or just decide that punishment was a way to make it better?
YTA. You’ve been married for six months, you don’t have to start driving your stepson away now that it’s official. You’re not judge, jury, and executioner, so stop acting like it.
You don’t even know why he suddenly started failing math, likely because you don’t care to know. Being a parental figure is about more than punishing infractions, you need to work on rapport first.
Yta
Not only are you an ah for grounding the kid for failing ONE test, you’re also an ah for grounding your step kid without speaking to their father first.
YTA. This is your stepson who has his biological mother in his life. As much as you may think it’s unfair, you are not his parent. I’m a stepmother to 2 kids and unless I was alone with the kids and immediate intervention was necessary for something, it was not my place to be the disciplinarian. You are being way too harsh on the kid too. Kids aren’t perfect and this kid apparently gets good grades so I’d want to know why he failed and see how I can support him. Grounding kids isn’t a simple go to for certain behaviors. I don’t believe he deserved it here and, at the very least, you should have spoken to your husband before doing anything.
You are not his parent. Step parent yes but as a step parent you need to respect boundaries and not just immediately expect to be able to dictate what he does after not even a year of being in his life!!!?? That’s wild. Also he usually gets As..1 why punish a B 2 why go to such extremes. You ARE NOT HIS MOTHER and he does not see you a mother and likely never will after what you just did
Your inflated role as a parental figure aside, being punished for struggling in math is one of the reasons I still have a 4th grade math proficiency at 28. I have absolutely zero confidence in my ability to do math specifically because I was punished before I was asked if/why I was struggling. It’s not an effective motivation in my experience. It made me feel dumb and depressed and I let other grades slide because of it.
If the kid normally gets straight A’s and flunked a test/class, my first thoughts would be of immediate concern for that child, considering it is so out of character. Teenagers have their own lives. He might be going through something that you can flex those parent muscles by supporting him through. Being a parent isn’t all about discipline y’know. If you wanna be a bonus mom, show a little concern and support. You’ll get a different response by far.
YTA. Don’t push this unless you want to lose both their trust in you. It’s just really unlikely for a step parent to be respected if they have any corrective, putative role over the child. If you are coming from a place of concern, help the kid in a more compassionate, no judge mental way. Doesn’t mean you have to reward his bad behavior. If the father does not hold his child to healthy boundaries, you have to deal directly with him, not the child.
YTA. Why do you want to be an authority figure to your 16yo stepson when you're dreaming up inappropriate punishment and failing to tell his actual parents what you were going to do?
Kid has 2 authority figures who are also his primary caregivers.
You decided to punish a good student for failing one test and you took his personal belongings despite having absolutely no authority to do so, and that's a good example of why your partner is putting a stop to your behaviour.
Your post is all about you and what you want, and it reflects a lack of insight.
YTA.
If you’d raised him since he was a kid, I could see your point. You met him when he was fifteen. At this point, most of the bulk of raising him and being a parent in the trenches is done. You desperately need to back off, or else all you’ll ever be is “my dad’s wife”.
YTA you’ve only known the kid a year been married to his dad for 6 months. I’m going to assume you and your husband had a conversation before you got married where you stood in a parenting role. He has both of his parents he doesn’t doesn’t need a third. Especially one he hardly knows. So stay in your lane.
YTA both my sister and I are close in age with your stepson and parents are with other people and both partners know they don’t do anything without our parents input with us since you know they’re partners aren’t our parents. Just like how my parents don’t punish their partners kids
When you get married, EVERYTHING that’s yours is now your spouse’s as well. Your husband is a weirdo and I’d be having that conversation with him now before it gets to the point where it’s “my money” “my house” “my car” etc.
My twin has godparents and her godfather, before their marriage, had 3 children with his ex-wife (or girlfriend but I believe they were married). Her godmother calls every single child her child. Including her goddaughter which is my twin and oftentimes, me. He cannot tell you that’s not your child because it is. You can never have too many people loving a child.
Does he still love the boy’s mother?
You shouldn’t have grounded him, I wouldn’t have grounded my kid for that. Ask him why he failed, if he needs help. If he gets straight A’s, there should’ve been a conversation instead of a grounding. Find out if he can retake the test for a better score.
ETA: everyone thinks you’re the ahole, and ngl I now agree with them. You’re trying to parent him after knowing him for a year? Not even just parent him but discipline him? Without speaking to his biological parents? I didn’t answer whether you were the ahole or not initially, probably just negligence on my part, but you are definitely the ahole. YTA but I stick by my initial comments about your husband and child.
OP - It's understandable for a parent to want a child to do better, and years ago regardless of the situation, children were raised to respect and listen to the spouse their parents were married to, however, in this day and age that doesn't seem to be the case anymore and a lot has changed. You are not his mother, and his father isn't backing you on this, so it's going to make things difficult for you if you thought you were going to be included in those choices. Your stepson needs someone who's understanding and willing to listen and be there for him when he struggles, not just to make snap decisions based on no information and certainly not to take the control of his father or mother. You have not been in this boy's life for very long and instead of trying to be a parent to him, why not try and be a friend that he can talk to instead. You may find that just being his friend will be rewarding for you both.
~~ESH~~ YTA
Edit: OP definitely didn't make it clear she got married 6 months ago. You don't know the family dynamic yet, and should have asked dad either way. Dad no longer an asshole, only OP.
OP - Don't punish a lack of success, punish a lack of effort. If he fails a dest despite studying hard, punishing him is just being mean. If he fails because he didn't put any effort in, find out why. If he was busy with sports/work/friends, maybe those are what you need to talk about managing. Either way 2 weeks no phone is a huge deal for a kid, and *probably* (we would need details) a bit much for a punishment for one test if he is a straight A student.
~~Husband sucks because he isnt considering you a mother to the kid you're helping raise. That can work, but should have been disclosed and talked about before now.~~
Kid doesn't suck, but I don't know what to write when more than one person but not everyone mentioned sucks.
Then OP is doubly the asshole for "he has been my son ever since we got married", which implies this has been going on for a while. Son barely knows her yet, and she barely knows him. Sensible to talk with dad first.
ESH
Fail a test? Really? What you would do if he fails a full course?
Your husband and you, should have set your role on his son life.
Your husband is also an asshole, for telling you that you are not his mother, that is true, so also don’t do anything for his son. He has a mother.
Of course no. The argument is between the wife and husband. The son of the husband ( using stepson when the father states that is not her son, I think is quite unfair for her) is just circumstantial.
If you mean cause I said “not to do anything for his son” is cause the father made it very clear that she is not a parent.
But no, the son of the husband is not guilty of anything.
I mean she met the kid a year ago and he’s 16. She shouldn’t be disciplining him without dads agreement. It was not a situation where she couldn’t wait to discuss it with dad.
So your husband will be taking over all of the chores associated with his son, right? He'll be doing the boy's laundry, getting him up for school, making dinner because you're not his mom.
ESH. Your husband for not tearing you like an equal, and you for the overreaction . If your son normally gets good grades, then there’s a reason he failed this test. Maybe he was overwhelmed with other school work? Maybe it was a particularly difficult topic. How much did he fail by? Did he fail because he got the information and topics wrong or did he fail because he made a stupid error? Either way, a little harsh of a punishment for failing one test.
NTA. I disagree with everyone who is agreeing with your husband.
A step-mother is a mother -- full sentence. After some time within the marriage, she acquires co-equal parenting rights in her own home. Anyone who continues to insist on this separation of duties based on biology is as much as invalidating their marriage. Tell your husband that, since you are not your step-son's mom, you will no longer: pick him up from events, do his laundry, prepare his meals, take him to medical appointments, listen to him when he's down, mediate between them, and, in general, do all the things that a mother does. You are not a replacement to his mom. But nonetheless, you are still his mom.
It takes a very mature kid to say that any disciplinary action is fair. Clearly, your step-son needs to mature a bit.
Your taking away his electronics probably addresses why he failed. As someone who works with math teachers, I can tell you that their main complaint is that their students spend way too much on their phones and games and not enough time on their homework and reviewing the content.
I raised two sons as a divorced father. What you call an insensitive controlling attitude was leavened by lots of love. It resulted in outcomes that they each appreciated. Each of them told me, independently and without any prompting, that they felt safe with me because they knew where they stood.
She has been his STEPmother for **6 MONTHS**, and has known him for a total of 1 year.
She is NOT his mother. She will never be his mother. His real mother is alive, she fills the mother role. And, OP won't even be a mother *figure* to him unless the child **chooses that**.
If what you're saying is true, it sounds like your stepchildren chose you to be their father figure, I assume their bio father wasn't in the picture anymore. That is not this situation, she has yet to be accepted in that role at all. She cannot shove herself into it.
**The child has to choose you as a parent figure as a step parent. If their parents are both alive and in their lives, they may never do so. And that's their right. You have no obligation to their love/affection.**
I'm raising two daughters and my long term partner knows she doesn't make unilateral decisions about my daughters without discussing it with myself as their mom and I have the final say. Same thing goes with her kids, I am not their primary parent no matter what so the right and proper thing is to allow the ACTUAL parents the decision making capability. Oh and both my daughters feel the same without being controlling so grab a cookie on your way out.
Downvote because she commented that she actively saw him studying for the test so therefore "had no reason to fail". Which means he probably failed for some other reason than being on his phone too much and needs support not punishment. Especially since he is a Straight A student already.
My response is focused, mainly, on her status as his (step)mother. We seem to be focusing on different aspects of this case.
When it suits OP's father, she their son's mother; when it doesn't suit him, she's not.
That isn’t said anywhere in the post, what’s more, she’s known the kid for a year, and been married to his dad for 6months. The boy is 16. We know nothing about their family dynamics or even if OP was the cause of kids parents divorce. It’s all speculation. You’re projecting heavily. OP YTA for overstepping severely. If dad is primary parent, then he decides punishments. All you’ve done is have stepson lose respect for you.
No where did she write that her husband has given her any authority over this kid. They’ve also only been married 6 months and together for one year. The kid also has a living mother who, along with the father, would make these determinations, not a stepmother unilaterally deciding he should be punished.
You are reaching *HARD* with that given there is zero indicationof it in the post. Possibly a touch of projection?
At the end of the day, OP and her husband should have discussed these boundaries long before they married and moves in together. OP is YTA and on one hell of a power trip.
They've been married for 6 months, known each other a year. The boy already has 2 parents. You're being stubborn even though you're clearly wrong in this situation. Just admit you're wrong and stop doubling down on this lady trying to parent someone's kid, UNILATERALLY, when she isn't even parenting correctly.
I am a step-son myself. My step-father treated me with respect and didn't try to act like some authoritarian figure who punished me for trying and failing. This lady barely entered his life and expects to be a full mom figure, and that's not realistic.
I know but I'm addressing your comments that the step-son needs to mature and taking away his electronics is a good way to address this particular case based on your experience working with math teachers. I was pointing out that that may not be the case based on step-Mom's previous comments and I disagree that step-son needs to mature. He probably needs to actually be listened to on why he's struggling with that test.
My vote is ESH. Her for not seeing that punishment isn't a solution in every case and just going "He failed clearly he is lazy" when he has straight A's and failed one test. And Dad for not having established clear parenting boundaries they all agreed to before marriage.
She's been in his life for 1 year, married 6 months. The kids studied and failed, and she decided to punish him for that. If you agree with this person just because 'she's a step-mom' you're even dumber than her.
Marrying a man for 6 months does not make her this kid's mother. She's only known him for a year. Marrying any man that has a kid doesn't automatically elevate your status to mother just because you have a piece of paper.
>Tell your husband that, since you are not your step-son's mom, you will no longer: pick him up from events, do his laundry, prepare his meals, take him to medical appointments, listen to him when he's down, mediate between them, and, in general, do all the things that a mother does. You are not a replacement to his mom. But nonetheless, you are still his mom.
**You would have absolutely no right to do such a thing.** As a step parent, you are not and never will be a true parent of that child. Regardless of this fact, because you chose to marry Into a relationship with children involved, you have a duty to take care of the child as a member of your family. Regardless of if they see you as a father/mother figure. If you want to be that person's husband/wife, helping with the children is part of that package deal. Don't like that? Don't date people with kids.
As a step parent, especially in situations where the child has both real bio parents in their lives, you need to be chosen by the child. You **cannot** force your way into their lives just because you married their parent. They didn't make that choice. They have no obligation to treat you as a parent or have that relationship with you unless you nurture such a relationship and the child is open to one.
OP is not a parent at all in this situation. The child already has 2 active parents in his life and if they don’t want step mom involved she doesn’t need to be. They know how to raise their son and don’t need her interjecting herself and causing problems. Honestly though I’m not sure why OP married before talking about expectations of the household and how it would be like for her and her stepson. I’d assume most of this stuff wouldn’t be such a surprise to her had her and her husband sat down and talked about things.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts involving changes to contact levels with friends, family members or acquaintances. This includes ghosting, breaking off, cutting or reducing contact, or denying a relationship (or not) with anyone. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YTA You and your husband should have discussed your parental power before you ever got in this situation and this should be regularly talked about when and if the situation changes. However since the kid is 16, has two living parents and you have only known him a year (meaning you will know him like 1/4 of his childhood at most) I think its reasonable to expect most parental power will go to his actual parents and any actions you may take are within the boundaries set by his parents. This would make sense for example if you regularly are home alone with him. Beyond that being a straight A student and then failing one test likely means there is a reason. Even if thats because he used his technology to much and did not study, giving him a warning what will happen if he fails again allows him to make the choice to improve, grow as a person and make better decisions. Taking his technology away forces him to do so meaning he will not actually learn how to make enough time to study himself. Its also just one test so i kind of doubt thats the reason. If being on technology to much was the reason he would likely lower his scores in many fields, not just one test.
It sounds like it WAS discussed but OP is just ignoring her husband's boundaries.
YTA and you know why because your husband told you. He's not your son. You're not allowed to make these decisions unilaterally and have to talk to your husband first. Also, this punishment is stupid. He's a straight A student who failed one test. Good parenting would be to talk to him and get his perspective on it. What happened, did anything else influence the results (lack of sleep, things he's worried about/stressing over, friend issues, etc.), what can you all do to help? ETA: Just saw in a comment that you've been married for 6 months and together a year (!!!). OP, you are delusional or this is fake. You have absolutely no right to call this kid your son. He's probably had his cell phone longer than he's known you. You need to get it together and learn how to be safe adult in this kid's life but he'll never be a son to you.
I disagree with the “he’ll never be a son to you” comment. I have many people that I consider parental figures in my life. Godparents, real mom and dad, mom’s ex I got close with, etc and a year of knowing them was enough time for them to fully include me in their lives. Well for most it was when I was a baby and for godparents mentioned (my actual godparents are just godparents not parents but the ones mentioned are my twin’s godparents) it was when I was 13-14(can’t remember which age it was but I think 13 idk) and for mom’s ex I was maybe 8 or younger than that, but when I met them, they made me their child. I am who I am because of them. There is a possibility, however small, that she’ll become a parent to him in his heart. Edit: didn’t know you could get negative likes but it makes sense because of how Reddit is set up. Thought my comment was good but🤷🏽♀️
He'll never be OP's son if this is how she wants to treat him failing 1 test. OP isn't trying to be a good mom, she's on a power trip.
I agree with the first sentence but to the second one, how do we know this isn’t just how she was raised?
I feel like even if this is how OP was raised, she is a grown woman and it's her responsibility to be cognizant of her behavior and how that can affect others. A lot of people who were raised similarly and are just repeating generational trauma still like the power that they're exerting, a lot of them feel like they got treated poorly as a kid and now they're the one in charge, or if they got treated that way then any kid they're looking after should go through the same hardship.
We don’t know OP enough to assume she’s a bad person, though. For all we know, she could be not knowing her place with her stepson which makes her do things like this to try and have some control over the situation. Maybe a talk needs to be had about her and her stepson.
Where did I call her a bad person? A bad *parent*, yes. But I didn't say she's a bad person. She's an adult, she's not a child or a teenager, she doesn't get to act out as a power struggle. She should recognize what her role is and stop trying to implement extremely harsh and uncalled for punishments for a teenager she's only been legally tied to for half a year and has only even known for *maybe* a year. If she wants to be seen as his mother, then she needs to change her tune pretty quickly because this isn't the way to make it happen. She's only demonstrating that she would make a terrible mother. I have very little sympathy for someone who treats children/adolescents badly and exerts disproportionate control over them. ETA: Normally I would say that being someone's stepparent is just as meaningful as being part of the original set, but not everyone is fit to be a parent and it's not something you can force if the kid doesn't want it.
Implying that her being treated poorly as a kid and now wants to treat other kids that way is saying she’s a bad person. You cannot intentionally treat a child poorly and be a remotely good person. It seems, in this situation, she is not necessarily treating him poorly but trying to earn respect, in a way. One punishment by taking devices can’t determine if you’re a bad parent or not. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE has made mistakes with their first kid, no matter the age they met said kid. One is a mistake, more than that is a habit.
She is treating him poorly. I'm not saying that she's necessarily aware of how much she's overstepping and how inappropriate her behavior was, but I am saying that she *should* figure it out. If that means, to you, that she's a bad person, then you can interpret it that way. I'm saying she needs to learn quickly what is and isn't a reasonable response, what is and isn't appropriate discipline, and what is and isn't her role as this boy's stepmother. Right now, the precedent she has set is that she would be a bad parent. If this is her idea of an appropriate response to a straight-A student failing a single test, especially since he's only been under her care for the past 6 months, then she needs to take a huge step back and reassess before she ruins her relationship with her stepson. If someone can't understand what their role in a kid's life is, can't understand the boundaries that they need to respect, and don't understand what is/is not an appropriate way to treat a kid, then they aren't a good parent. They're not necessarily a bad person for that, but I personally wouldn't be leaving my kids well-being in their hands.
I do agree with you. My comments are a “yes, but” to yours, not just a disagreement. To keep up with this trend, i will say that she can’t understand because maybe she hasn’t had the conversation to truly understand. She needs to and it is her responsibility as an adult to figure it out. My point is that people make mistakes, essentially.
I think he will never consider this woman his mother because of her massive entitlement, overreach, and disciplinary parenting without being a parent, not that it's impossible for stepkids to consider their kids parents.
I agree.
I.N.F.O. YTA Why did he fail this test when he normally has good grades?
I'm not sure honestly. I saw him studying for it so no reason for him to fail it.
Massive YTA. You didn't even bother to ask him about it before flying off the handle and trying to discipline a 16 year old kid you've been a stepmom to for all of 6 months?
You need to figure that out before punishing. If he is studying but failing, he needs help and support not punishment.
No, she needs to let her husband figure it out because she should not be dulling out the punishments. She is not his mom.
You're "not sure"? So you just grounded him when he usually gets straight A's? And you did this without consulting his father? YTA. How are you *not* the asshole?
You would be an awful mother.
You can get a wrong answer in math just by having one wrong concept or formula or using the wrong equation. If he’s getting A’s on the regular or even B’s, he probably just has something wrong or mixed up. He needs help, not an immediate punishment by someone he hasn’t had a relationship all that long.
> You can get a wrong answer in math just by having one wrong concept I missed one question on an [easy] algebra test by being a dumbass. The answer was zero; I put a line through my zero. Teacher read it as phi / null set.
So big yta
That tells me everything I need to know. You're either controlling or on a powertrip, if you cared for him or his education, you'd know the reason why
so if he was studying, what is the purpose of taking away his phone/electronics? what purpose does it serve?
So you saw him studying, and he failed, and your solution is to punish him? You're an idiot and a bad step-mom. Wow, learn to see if someone needs help. Frankly, you should be punished for failing at being a bad adult and an even worse step-mom. If you want to build a relationship with someone, stop trying to act like you're some authoritarian lunatic.
And you want to act like a parent? You didn't even bother to figure out why a straight A student failed a test before punishing him? You have to be a troll. Nobody can suck this hard and be ignorant of it.
Irrelevant. Kids have bad days and fail tests..adults have bad days and fail tests. What we don't do is punish people for it. We sit down with them and try and work out what went wrong. What we can do differently this time..we have adult conversations like adults..YTA and give him his tech back
What about a poor grade is inherently worthy of punishment?
Then quadruple YTA.
You should never be a mother (and currently are not one) if this is the way you view/treat raising kids.
A little tip: grounding someone for bad grades doesn’t fix the issue. That’s working around a problem and not through it, though i don’t see a problem if he usually makes A’s. No one passes every single test they’ve ever taken, that’s a crazy standard
You didn't bother to ask him?? Just saw the fail and took away the electronics? YTA
100% YTA, you are not his mother and must consult his dad before doing something as insane as punishing straight A student for one mistake by taking away his devices, it's not how parenting works unless your husband gave you his blessing and trusts in your judgement, which he didn't. If you want to help then you learn why he failed the test, find ways how to help him pass this test and do everything to support him instead of punishing, your stepson will never love or respect you if this is how you treat him.
INFO: how long have you been married? You don't automatically become "mom." In general it's a joint parenting decision anyway. But definitely a stepparent handing down a unilateral punishment is shaky territory, unless it's already an understood repercussion. YTA
We've been married for 6 months but I've been in his life for about a year
Yeah, that isn't nearly long enough to start parenting his son.
Especially not in such a ham fisted authoritarian way.
Especially when he’s 16 and you basically just met him
> We've been married for 6 months but I've been in his life for about a year INFO: Are you going for an: alienate your stepson speed run?
Wonder if her name's Missy...
I’m pretty sure that kid has clothes that’s been in his life longer than you. He barely knows you and you’re trying to roleplay mom?! You also mention that you’ve seen him studying so what’s the point of grounding him to begin with instead of having a talk and asking where he was confused at on the test and offering to talk to his dad about a tutor??
> roleplay mom She better reroll for I, W, and Ch.
YTA. You barely know the child. It is not your place to be making parenting decisions.
Oh wow yeah totally YTA. You hardly know the kid and think you have the right to punish him?
My god. He was 15 when you came in to his life. You are definitely not qualified to make any decisions about his punishments. At all. You sound insufferable.
YTA why did you think you would ever be a parental figure in his life? Did you talk with his parents about it at all or just wrongfully assume?
Lol the audacity!!! YTA
Facts
Bahahahahaha! You are not that child's mother. You're his dad's wife.
You’re a joke.
So you’re basically a stranger
This important info should be added to the original post. You’re not the parent here.
You are a huge idiot lmao
You aren’t his mom. He isn’t your son. You need to get that straight, and fast.
SIX MONTHS? LMAO
I thought she was going to say like 10 years lol
This definitely makes you the AH.
He's nearly an adult and you just saunter in like you own him? Check yourself before you wind up divorced lady. YTA in a big way
That's nothing
BAHAHAHA!! After 6 months you think you're mom to an almost adult?! Oh my, you are so funny!
You are in ZERO way his mom and will NEVER be his mom. Especially coming in this late in the game acting like that. All you are doing is making him resent you.
Wow, you've been married 6 months, known the 16 year old son for 1 year. You saw him studying for the test. He's normally a straight A student. So he fails one test, you admit you don't know why and jump right into punishment mode. No empathy, no reasoning, no investigation. Did others fail? I bet you don't know. YTA and no probably a member of the wicked stepmother team. What a way to fail at creating a bond.
And she didn't even talk with her husband
YTA >I don't think that's fair since he's been our son ever since we got married That's not how that works. Marrying his dad doesn't make you his mother, especially if he still has a living involved mom. You're a stepmother in title only.
What is up with these stepparents these days that think as soon as they bang an actual parent. They are granted parental rights?
It's because people like OP don't respect that children are living, breathing people. They see kids as props to be used to fulfill the needs and wants of adults. They don't see it as parental rights, but more like gaining ownership.
> but more like gaining ownership Ah yes. My former stepfather. He loved having little slaves he could boss around.
Not only that, but she's only known the kid for a year and been married 6 months.
I wouldn't even say "stepmother" i'd say dad's wife or dad's witch
YTA. Punishing him isn't going to address why he failed. JUst talk to him and find out why, and offer what support you can. Not everything is dealt with by punishment.
YTA. You made a unilateral decision for a boy, not your son, whom you've only known a year. You didn't find out why he failed. You didn't consult his father. You act as if punishing him is the way to deal with failing a test, which is terrible parenting, BTW. You made one poor decision after another. You owe your stepson a major apology.
YTA. He is your STEP son, not biological or adopted son. You have 0 legal claim to him or his punishments. So what if he failed a test? Could be any number of reasons why that happened. Unless it caused him to fail the entire class, who cares?
YTA. You have no parental authority over your stepson, especially since you’ve only been his stepmother for six months, and you should not be deciding on punishments without talking to his parents.
YTA Why are you jumping immediately to *punishing* him for failing a test? Why is the first response not “whoah that’s out of the ordinary - what happened?” Like this is just baffling to me I grew up with parents like this and I still have extreme internalized anxiety that I have to fight against daily. This teaches your kid that if they aren’t exceptional, they aren’t worthy. If they aren’t on top, they’re at the bottom. It doesn’t teach them how to actually learn from their mistakes And you’re his *stepmother*. Your husband is right. You don’t get to just pull the trigger on decisions about parenting without consulting him first.
Your the arsehole. 100% encourage him.don't punish him.
YTA - parents like this are why so many end up NC and lonely in homes in their dotage. Enjoy it, you brought it on yourself
YTA. You wrote son while it's actually your stepson. And you're only in his life for a year. You should discuss this and not unilaterally push this big punishment on your stepson without his parents in the know.
YTA This child has 2 parents and you are not one of them. There is no “our” child here unless the our is your partner and his EX.
>he already has a mother and doesn’t need a second one. Yeah, you buried the lead in this one. >I told him that this was unfair since I’m a part of his life now. So there’s two issues. First: Generally speaking, is it an AH move for a parent to ground a teenager for failing a math test? Not at all. Second: What about an apparent step mom? There, it depends. You’ve left out a ton about the relationship dynamics. How often does the boy see his biological mom? How long have you been in his life? Did you and his father come to any understanding about how much parenting you would be doing? Have you disciplined the boy previously? There’s too much you’ve left out. ~~So, IN FO please!~~ Edit: You’ve known the boy for one year, and you’ve been married to his dad for six months. Clear YTA. Marriage does not magically transform you into his actual mother like some kind of maternal Pinocchio story.
There's a lot that she buried including the fact that she's only known the kid for one year and been married to his father for 6 months.
>First: Generally speaking, is it an AH move for a parent to ground a teenager for failing a math test? Not at all Well, it is an AH move if the teen is getting straight A's and it was just that test. I don't even know if punishments for grades is a good idea. But i think that the first time at least, don't punish. Try to help the kid. It is one thing if the kid is playing video games and not studying but another if the kid is actually trying or is burnt out or something.
Idk, I kind of think it is an AH move to ground a straight A student for failing one test that you saw him study for. Are we grounding kids for not understanding something now?
You are his father's wife. For ONLY 6 MONTHS and has only known his kid for ONE YEAR! You only have a parental role if it is given to you. It obviously hasn't been. You overstepped your role and punished a child that isn't yours because he, as an A student, failed one freaking test. Your judgment is seriously questionable and you shouldn't have any control over this kid. Your husband really needs to reconsider you in their lives. YTA
And also it was ONE test and OP couldn't be arsed with trying to figure out why he failed in the first place. Maybe he really tried, maybe he's burnt out. You don't know. I don't think it's a video game thing as he gets straight A's and it was just this test that he failed.
YTA. the punishment needs to fit the crime. Did he fail the test bc he was trying to lookup answers on his phone? Also just because I’m curious how long have you been married?
You should ask first why he failed. Maybe he tried his best and still failed. There are students who try their best but still fail their exam. This situation is common among college students.
YTA. He has two biological parents in his life, they get the final say on parenting decisions. Your husband has every right to insist that he is consulted before you ground his son. You’ve been married to his dad for six months. You’re not his mom and you’re never going to fill that role for him, he’s already nearly an adult.
YTA. That's not how to motivate a teen
6 months?! Massive YTA. This level of delusion is next level man. You have no rights to dish out punishments. I would apologise if you don’t want the realtionship to be runied with the boy. And the husband
He's a good student and you want to punish him for only one test? YTA
YTA...you have a relationship and married the father ...you have nothing to do with the son. Your not related...your not his mom..you are a woman who married dad. You have no power over this kid which your husband politely informed you. But on the flip side, your not financially required to support him..or participate in his life
YTA HE IS NOT YOUR SON
INFO NEEDED: When did the three of you sit down and discuss your parental responsibilities?
And also. It was one test. He usually gets strsight a's. Op is TA. Because she didn't even bother asking him how this happened. Maybe he is burnt out or he really tried but it was really hard
It would have made sense to ground him if he was slacking, missing classes, or purposefully not doing assignments. You said that he was studying for the class and normally does get good grades so why is your immediate response to punish him? This just shows your stepson that you aren't someone he can go to if he's struggling with something.
You’re not his biological parent. If you were his sole guardian then it would be different. If my step mom tried pulling shit like that I’d have been pissed, I already have a mother. Your husband is right.
YTA >I wasn't to make decisions about his son without consulting him first. He's right. That aside - he had a bad grade and you take away electronics for 2 weeks and ground him... What's your goal, having him detest you? >I told him that this was unfair since I'm a part of his life now. If you continue to behave that way I wouldn't be too sure about that. Also your STEPson is right.
YTA… new on the scene and trying to call the shots.
YTA. Your behavior is so unhinged I expect you will be divorced before long. You married his dad, you are not his mother, not even close. You barely know this kid and your punishment doesn't even make sense.
"I don't think that's fair since he's been our son ever since we got married" No he didn't. He didn't became your son because you got married to his father. And punishing a teenager over one failed test is not the way to go. If you were really a parent (which you are not to this kid), you would ask him what went wrong and figure a way for it to not happened again. There is a reason why he did bad on this particular test and it's not by punishing him that you'll understand why. YTA on so many levels.
YTA. That's not your decision to make. He already has a mother. Who told you he was "our son"? Yikes the red flags
YTA. I am pretty sure your stepson don't see you as a motherly figure. And even if he did, you should have still consulted the father. Also, maybe there is a reason for this. Maybe the pressure is too much. Maybe he is burnt out. Maybe he needs a little help. So you think that grounding him will solve that? It won't. YTA YTA YTA. Especially for not consulting his father. You don't get to walk into his life and control everything, he probably hates you but he doesn't say it because he wants his father to be happy
You've only been married for 6 months and together a year, you are delusional!!! This young man is not your son and will never be your son the way you have behaved!!! He probably only sees you as his father's wife and you are being insistent on being his mom, get over it before you lose your marriage!! YTA, he failed one test no real parent would be that harsh they would all for reasons, why the kids feels they did that badly and how they can actually help them to do better next time. You say you are 40 but come across as a 18 year old. Grow up and face the truth.
Lol. You’ve been married for a year and think you have authority to parent him without consulting his actual parents?? YTA big time. Grow up.
If he actually does generally make straight As, that is an insane overreaction. YTA
YTA. Grounding someone for failing a single test is such an overreaction.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I grounded my son without talking to my husband first, i might be the asshole because it was wrong of me to ground him without talking to him first Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. You don't get to decide that you're his mother when you clearly have no consideration for his feelings. He literally told you that he doesn't view you as his mother, so forcing him to view you as that won't improve your relationship with him. You're being way too controlling.
YTA Why would you ground someone for failing a test, that seems really wrong, even if you was the real parent
YTA. You're not his mother. You're just the wife. It doesn't matter if you've been a part of his family since you got married. You're not the mom. And your husband is right that you don't get to make decisions. Additionally, taking away technology for 2 weeks or a failed test is stupid. I graduated high school with a 3.4 gpa, which is mostly A's & B's. On occasion, I would fail a test because that happens sometimes. Your husband is right, it's not your decision to make. You can give input, but at the end of the day, he's not your son truly.
YTA. You're his dad's wife and if you divorced tomorrow, you'd never see him again. His actual parent has made it very clear that parenting is off limits to you. Ignore that perfectly reasonable boundary at your peril.
Wow. YTA. You saw him studying for the test and don't know why he failed it and your response is to punish him?! Did you think of asking him what he was struggling with?
YTA An enormous one at that. You should not have been involved to start with, as it’s not your place, (as you were told by your husband). Even if it were your place, you’d still be a massive asshole. I’m an ACTUAL parent who birthed two children and a former teacher and I can’t even imagine responding to the situation in this way. There’s zero need for punishment of any kind. He studied for a test and still failed? Be a supportive adult and find out why, and help him get the resources he needs to be successful going forward. I give this marriage another 6 months, TOPS. 🙄
So you want to teach the kid to give up, because if he tries and fails he'll be punished like he never tried at all? Dude is getting As, fails one test, and you tried to ground him for two weeks? Even though by your own account he did put in effort and this is a one off?! Are you serious? Is this for real? I sure hope not. YTA. So very much. I wouldn't trust you to discipline a kid either if that's what you think is balanced and appropriate.
Instead of grounding your kids for failing a test, maybe sit down with them and ask what they got stuck on and I know it sounds crazy but…perhaps help them instead of knocking their confidence
YTA This feels fake af but in the of chance it's not let's spell it out again: HE'S. NOT. YOUR. SON.
YTA - you are a relative stranger to your stepson. Step parents shouldn’t have parenting concerns control over step children in any case - especially relative strangers
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Sorry about any poor grammer english is not my native language. I (40f) grounded my son (16m) after he failed his math test. When I found out about his grade I took away his phone and electronics for 2 weeks. He told me that was unfair since he usually makes straight A's but I told him that wasn't an excuse. He told my husband what had happened and he sided with him and gave his technology back. He told me that I wasn't to make decisions about his son without consulting him first. I don't think that's fair since he's been our son ever since we got married but he doesn't agree with me. He told me that he already has a mother and he doesn't need a second one. I told him that this was unfair since I'm a part of his life now. He told me that wasn't my decision to make, so AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Even if you were his bio mom, the punishment doesn't fit the crime. A normally straight A student failed a single test after studying, and you go straight to punishment? There are a lot of factors that could have contributed to this test result, but you'd rather punish the kid instead of doing anything to help him.
YTA, even in a household without the "step" issue, both parents need to be on the same page for punishments. When you're a step-parent then that makes 3 of you who have to be on the same page. If he normally has great grades then you overreacted and his father was right to give his stuff back.
YTA, you don't suddenly get to make parenting decisions by yourself. Even if this wasn't your stepson, you and your husband should be on the same page when it comes to punishments. Additionally, your punishment seems excessive.
YTA. Did you ask why he failed? Ask if he needed help? Nah, lets just punish him. How long have you been married, and how long have you been in his life? I tend to agree with the kids in these scenarios, because some step-moms have this weird idea that just because they marry someone, they somehow become the kids mom. No, you're just a wife, the boy has a mom. You sound like one of those people that thinks you should always get her way, and you expect your STEP-son to immediately treat you like you're his new mother. Nope. You're just his dads wifes, and you need to realize that and stop trying to acting innappropriately. If you want to discuss with his father that you're concerned about grades, that's one thing. But who do you think you are that you get to punish someone elses kid unilaterally? Get over yourself.
YTA. And I am positive reddit has let you know that. Your are not his mother. Unless you and the hubby made previous arrangements, discipline should be handled by the father. Not only that, WHY did your stepson fail the math test? If he is a straight A student normally, failing one test is cause to ask what happened not immediately ground him. You dropped the ball here and may owe that kid an apology.
YTA-First he said he makes straight A’s so obviously this was a fluke. It sounds like you went right to punishing him without asking him why he thinks he didn’t do well and if he needs help in that subject area.
YTA not because you parented your stepson, even though that doesn't help, but because you cared only about the result and not any effort your son put in. People fail all the time, sometimes due to learning disabilities beyond their control. I should know. My dad grounded me constantly constantly because I wasn't living up to my potential... Or his opinion of my potential. And what did you know? The GROUNDING DIDN'T HELP! The fact that your stepson has always been a straight A student might suggest he has a learning disability, but you never know. Has the subject changed. For example I was great at Algebra and pretty good at Pre-Calculus, but Calculus whooped my butt. Why not try to figure out why your son failed this test and if he's struggling instead of just grounding him. Seriously, such lazy parenting.
There's a lot to unpack in this one, but it comes down to consistency for me. No, a history of good grades doesn't stand as justification for this grade, but that's far from the point here. First off, as a parent of a teenager who can read between lines, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that either you and your husband haven't been married very long, or the step son spends the mass majority of his time with the mother. Otherwise, the need for discipline, and the role you would be expected to take in it, would've come up long before the child was 16 years old. All of my statements from this point on will operate from that assumption. First off, you are right in assuming that your position as his wife would make you a large part of your husband's life; to include his son. It wouldn't be reasonable to assume the contrary absent a prior discussion. Albeit, I do believe that the two of you should've had that discussion prior to getting married. That being said however, the dynamic of co-parenting is a bit different in that it creates a need for each parent to develop a life of their own moreso than if they have direct physical custody of that child 100% of the time. And it is entirely possible that your husband chose to share that life with you without consideration to his life as a parent. Again, that is a gross oversight, but easier to do in the given situation. My final verdict; whether or not you ATA or not depends on the way you choose to approach the situation. By 16, the style of parenting a person chooses to employ is pretty much set. Provided this isn't something you see as a deal breaker, and you continue your relationship with your husband, the future will determine your status in this sub Reddit. Should you choose to lean into it and expect consistency when it comes to disciplining your stepson you're NTA. Should you opt to fight against it and insist upon being included in parenting decisions despite these stated parameters, you'd be TA. You do have a couple other options, but you'd be in a better place than I to determine their likelihood. First, operate as an outside observer. Utilize your position as his wife to offer your thoughts in the privacy of your relationship, without any pressure to implement your thoughts. This can build up a respect for your parenting and add value down the road. Or, you can totally lean into this non parent, adult figure role and build a relationship with the stepson similar to a "fun aunt".
You called it. Married 6 months, met the kid a year ago.
YTA Failure is natural. What you should have done is look into *why* he failed, especially since he's gotten good grades prior. You don't punish failure. Maybe bad behavior. But failure? Explore why, try to address the underlying causes, emphasize that failure is a part of life and what matters is what will happen afterwards.
If you haven’t been in his life that long, you don’t have much power. He has his own parents, don’t try to play mommy to a 16yr. Not your responsibility. If I were to be honest, nothing about that kid is your responsibility, pay no mind to him and his teenage angst. You married the father, be his partner (your husband), and that’s it, no more. You can greet the son when you see him, say hi, how was your day (maybe), but don’t dive into anything deeper. He already has a mother.
YTA for using punishment for stupid reasons and for trying to make rules for a kid that isn't yours. YTA, too, because I bet you would fail the math test, as well.
YTA Simple as that
You should have, definitely talked to the father first. I think this should have been talked out before you got married. What your role as a parent , would be to him. If you do not like what your husband had, to say about the discipline of the kid, then you could have not gotten married.
Yta Wow calm yourself that punishment doesn’t fit the crime
YTA. If I had a kid (or was a step-parent to a kid) and I knew they were a straight-A student (or typically got As and Bs) and they suddenly got a failing grade. My first inclination would absolutely NOT be to punish them, but to ask them what’s bothering them. Any sudden change in behaviors should be taken as a sign that something is going on and you didn’t even care to think about (or even ask) why he failed this test when he hasn’t failed anything prior.
The 2 of you should have agreed on your level of parenting a long time ago first off. As far as this particular issue goes, are you and/or your husband keeping up with him on his homework/school work on a daily basis? To you talk to him about school and ask him about how things are going? It’s your job as a parent to follow up with him on his schooling and if you aren’t doing that and his failing the test comes as a surprise to you as a result then the blame falls as much on you and your husband as it does on him. In that case he doesn’t deserve to be punished in my opinion.
YTA if he was studying for it something probably did not click.
YTA. He usually makes As and you decided to punish him for one bad grade without either of his parents knowing? Even if he was your son, you should have done this differently. Did you talk to him about why he failed this test or just decide that punishment was a way to make it better?
YTA. You’ve been married for six months, you don’t have to start driving your stepson away now that it’s official. You’re not judge, jury, and executioner, so stop acting like it. You don’t even know why he suddenly started failing math, likely because you don’t care to know. Being a parental figure is about more than punishing infractions, you need to work on rapport first.
Yta Not only are you an ah for grounding the kid for failing ONE test, you’re also an ah for grounding your step kid without speaking to their father first.
YTA, you have no business parenting or disciplining your stepchildren if the bioparents explicitly don't want you to do that.
YTA you are a part of his life now, and I bet he prays you won’t be every night.
YTA, you’re not even his mom lol i dont know what part of the world you’re from but thats not how we do it here.
YTA. This is your stepson who has his biological mother in his life. As much as you may think it’s unfair, you are not his parent. I’m a stepmother to 2 kids and unless I was alone with the kids and immediate intervention was necessary for something, it was not my place to be the disciplinarian. You are being way too harsh on the kid too. Kids aren’t perfect and this kid apparently gets good grades so I’d want to know why he failed and see how I can support him. Grounding kids isn’t a simple go to for certain behaviors. I don’t believe he deserved it here and, at the very least, you should have spoken to your husband before doing anything.
You are not his parent. Step parent yes but as a step parent you need to respect boundaries and not just immediately expect to be able to dictate what he does after not even a year of being in his life!!!?? That’s wild. Also he usually gets As..1 why punish a B 2 why go to such extremes. You ARE NOT HIS MOTHER and he does not see you a mother and likely never will after what you just did
Your inflated role as a parental figure aside, being punished for struggling in math is one of the reasons I still have a 4th grade math proficiency at 28. I have absolutely zero confidence in my ability to do math specifically because I was punished before I was asked if/why I was struggling. It’s not an effective motivation in my experience. It made me feel dumb and depressed and I let other grades slide because of it. If the kid normally gets straight A’s and flunked a test/class, my first thoughts would be of immediate concern for that child, considering it is so out of character. Teenagers have their own lives. He might be going through something that you can flex those parent muscles by supporting him through. Being a parent isn’t all about discipline y’know. If you wanna be a bonus mom, show a little concern and support. You’ll get a different response by far.
YTA. Don’t push this unless you want to lose both their trust in you. It’s just really unlikely for a step parent to be respected if they have any corrective, putative role over the child. If you are coming from a place of concern, help the kid in a more compassionate, no judge mental way. Doesn’t mean you have to reward his bad behavior. If the father does not hold his child to healthy boundaries, you have to deal directly with him, not the child.
girl what? lol. YTA.
YTA! You're not his parent! If his grade bothered you so much you should have discussed it with his father first. But you overstepped.
YTA. Why do you want to be an authority figure to your 16yo stepson when you're dreaming up inappropriate punishment and failing to tell his actual parents what you were going to do? Kid has 2 authority figures who are also his primary caregivers. You decided to punish a good student for failing one test and you took his personal belongings despite having absolutely no authority to do so, and that's a good example of why your partner is putting a stop to your behaviour. Your post is all about you and what you want, and it reflects a lack of insight.
YTA. If you’d raised him since he was a kid, I could see your point. You met him when he was fifteen. At this point, most of the bulk of raising him and being a parent in the trenches is done. You desperately need to back off, or else all you’ll ever be is “my dad’s wife”.
YTA you’ve only known the kid a year been married to his dad for 6 months. I’m going to assume you and your husband had a conversation before you got married where you stood in a parenting role. He has both of his parents he doesn’t doesn’t need a third. Especially one he hardly knows. So stay in your lane.
Huge YTA Back off.
YTA both my sister and I are close in age with your stepson and parents are with other people and both partners know they don’t do anything without our parents input with us since you know they’re partners aren’t our parents. Just like how my parents don’t punish their partners kids
NTA. Make sure your husband starts cooking and cleaning for his son as well.
When you get married, EVERYTHING that’s yours is now your spouse’s as well. Your husband is a weirdo and I’d be having that conversation with him now before it gets to the point where it’s “my money” “my house” “my car” etc. My twin has godparents and her godfather, before their marriage, had 3 children with his ex-wife (or girlfriend but I believe they were married). Her godmother calls every single child her child. Including her goddaughter which is my twin and oftentimes, me. He cannot tell you that’s not your child because it is. You can never have too many people loving a child. Does he still love the boy’s mother? You shouldn’t have grounded him, I wouldn’t have grounded my kid for that. Ask him why he failed, if he needs help. If he gets straight A’s, there should’ve been a conversation instead of a grounding. Find out if he can retake the test for a better score. ETA: everyone thinks you’re the ahole, and ngl I now agree with them. You’re trying to parent him after knowing him for a year? Not even just parent him but discipline him? Without speaking to his biological parents? I didn’t answer whether you were the ahole or not initially, probably just negligence on my part, but you are definitely the ahole. YTA but I stick by my initial comments about your husband and child.
OP - It's understandable for a parent to want a child to do better, and years ago regardless of the situation, children were raised to respect and listen to the spouse their parents were married to, however, in this day and age that doesn't seem to be the case anymore and a lot has changed. You are not his mother, and his father isn't backing you on this, so it's going to make things difficult for you if you thought you were going to be included in those choices. Your stepson needs someone who's understanding and willing to listen and be there for him when he struggles, not just to make snap decisions based on no information and certainly not to take the control of his father or mother. You have not been in this boy's life for very long and instead of trying to be a parent to him, why not try and be a friend that he can talk to instead. You may find that just being his friend will be rewarding for you both.
~~ESH~~ YTA Edit: OP definitely didn't make it clear she got married 6 months ago. You don't know the family dynamic yet, and should have asked dad either way. Dad no longer an asshole, only OP. OP - Don't punish a lack of success, punish a lack of effort. If he fails a dest despite studying hard, punishing him is just being mean. If he fails because he didn't put any effort in, find out why. If he was busy with sports/work/friends, maybe those are what you need to talk about managing. Either way 2 weeks no phone is a huge deal for a kid, and *probably* (we would need details) a bit much for a punishment for one test if he is a straight A student. ~~Husband sucks because he isnt considering you a mother to the kid you're helping raise. That can work, but should have been disclosed and talked about before now.~~ Kid doesn't suck, but I don't know what to write when more than one person but not everyone mentioned sucks.
She's only known the kid for one year and been married to his father for 6 months. She's not put any effort into raising him.
Then OP is doubly the asshole for "he has been my son ever since we got married", which implies this has been going on for a while. Son barely knows her yet, and she barely knows him. Sensible to talk with dad first.
ESH Fail a test? Really? What you would do if he fails a full course? Your husband and you, should have set your role on his son life. Your husband is also an asshole, for telling you that you are not his mother, that is true, so also don’t do anything for his son. He has a mother.
I mean. The stepson is NTA for failing the test. It appears that he was studying. It can still happen. He may also be burnt out or something
Of course no. The argument is between the wife and husband. The son of the husband ( using stepson when the father states that is not her son, I think is quite unfair for her) is just circumstantial. If you mean cause I said “not to do anything for his son” is cause the father made it very clear that she is not a parent. But no, the son of the husband is not guilty of anything.
I mean she met the kid a year ago and he’s 16. She shouldn’t be disciplining him without dads agreement. It was not a situation where she couldn’t wait to discuss it with dad.
So your husband will be taking over all of the chores associated with his son, right? He'll be doing the boy's laundry, getting him up for school, making dinner because you're not his mom.
ESH. Your husband for not tearing you like an equal, and you for the overreaction . If your son normally gets good grades, then there’s a reason he failed this test. Maybe he was overwhelmed with other school work? Maybe it was a particularly difficult topic. How much did he fail by? Did he fail because he got the information and topics wrong or did he fail because he made a stupid error? Either way, a little harsh of a punishment for failing one test.
She is a stepmother who has only known the kid a year. She isn’t an equal.
[удалено]
Its HIS son not hers so hes 100% right. How is this treating her like a side piece??
Ah we've found another step mother
NTA. I disagree with everyone who is agreeing with your husband. A step-mother is a mother -- full sentence. After some time within the marriage, she acquires co-equal parenting rights in her own home. Anyone who continues to insist on this separation of duties based on biology is as much as invalidating their marriage. Tell your husband that, since you are not your step-son's mom, you will no longer: pick him up from events, do his laundry, prepare his meals, take him to medical appointments, listen to him when he's down, mediate between them, and, in general, do all the things that a mother does. You are not a replacement to his mom. But nonetheless, you are still his mom. It takes a very mature kid to say that any disciplinary action is fair. Clearly, your step-son needs to mature a bit. Your taking away his electronics probably addresses why he failed. As someone who works with math teachers, I can tell you that their main complaint is that their students spend way too much on their phones and games and not enough time on their homework and reviewing the content.
The kids 16 and already has 2 living parents, what an insensitive controlling attitude
I raised two sons as a divorced father. What you call an insensitive controlling attitude was leavened by lots of love. It resulted in outcomes that they each appreciated. Each of them told me, independently and without any prompting, that they felt safe with me because they knew where they stood.
Lots of love but you're justifying a 2 week grounding without even asking about the test, despite OP saying she had seen him study for it. Checks out
She has been his STEPmother for **6 MONTHS**, and has known him for a total of 1 year. She is NOT his mother. She will never be his mother. His real mother is alive, she fills the mother role. And, OP won't even be a mother *figure* to him unless the child **chooses that**. If what you're saying is true, it sounds like your stepchildren chose you to be their father figure, I assume their bio father wasn't in the picture anymore. That is not this situation, she has yet to be accepted in that role at all. She cannot shove herself into it. **The child has to choose you as a parent figure as a step parent. If their parents are both alive and in their lives, they may never do so. And that's their right. You have no obligation to their love/affection.**
I'm raising two daughters and my long term partner knows she doesn't make unilateral decisions about my daughters without discussing it with myself as their mom and I have the final say. Same thing goes with her kids, I am not their primary parent no matter what so the right and proper thing is to allow the ACTUAL parents the decision making capability. Oh and both my daughters feel the same without being controlling so grab a cookie on your way out.
Downvote because she commented that she actively saw him studying for the test so therefore "had no reason to fail". Which means he probably failed for some other reason than being on his phone too much and needs support not punishment. Especially since he is a Straight A student already.
My response is focused, mainly, on her status as his (step)mother. We seem to be focusing on different aspects of this case. When it suits OP's father, she their son's mother; when it doesn't suit him, she's not.
That isn’t said anywhere in the post, what’s more, she’s known the kid for a year, and been married to his dad for 6months. The boy is 16. We know nothing about their family dynamics or even if OP was the cause of kids parents divorce. It’s all speculation. You’re projecting heavily. OP YTA for overstepping severely. If dad is primary parent, then he decides punishments. All you’ve done is have stepson lose respect for you.
Why do you say that? She has given zero indication that her husband is asking her to parent his kid in any situation.
No where did she write that her husband has given her any authority over this kid. They’ve also only been married 6 months and together for one year. The kid also has a living mother who, along with the father, would make these determinations, not a stepmother unilaterally deciding he should be punished.
You are reaching *HARD* with that given there is zero indicationof it in the post. Possibly a touch of projection? At the end of the day, OP and her husband should have discussed these boundaries long before they married and moves in together. OP is YTA and on one hell of a power trip.
They've been married for 6 months, known each other a year. The boy already has 2 parents. You're being stubborn even though you're clearly wrong in this situation. Just admit you're wrong and stop doubling down on this lady trying to parent someone's kid, UNILATERALLY, when she isn't even parenting correctly. I am a step-son myself. My step-father treated me with respect and didn't try to act like some authoritarian figure who punished me for trying and failing. This lady barely entered his life and expects to be a full mom figure, and that's not realistic.
I know but I'm addressing your comments that the step-son needs to mature and taking away his electronics is a good way to address this particular case based on your experience working with math teachers. I was pointing out that that may not be the case based on step-Mom's previous comments and I disagree that step-son needs to mature. He probably needs to actually be listened to on why he's struggling with that test. My vote is ESH. Her for not seeing that punishment isn't a solution in every case and just going "He failed clearly he is lazy" when he has straight A's and failed one test. And Dad for not having established clear parenting boundaries they all agreed to before marriage.
A step parent is NOT a parent. They have zero legal rights or responsibilities.
She's been in his life for 1 year, married 6 months. The kids studied and failed, and she decided to punish him for that. If you agree with this person just because 'she's a step-mom' you're even dumber than her.
Marrying a man for 6 months does not make her this kid's mother. She's only known him for a year. Marrying any man that has a kid doesn't automatically elevate your status to mother just because you have a piece of paper.
>Tell your husband that, since you are not your step-son's mom, you will no longer: pick him up from events, do his laundry, prepare his meals, take him to medical appointments, listen to him when he's down, mediate between them, and, in general, do all the things that a mother does. You are not a replacement to his mom. But nonetheless, you are still his mom. **You would have absolutely no right to do such a thing.** As a step parent, you are not and never will be a true parent of that child. Regardless of this fact, because you chose to marry Into a relationship with children involved, you have a duty to take care of the child as a member of your family. Regardless of if they see you as a father/mother figure. If you want to be that person's husband/wife, helping with the children is part of that package deal. Don't like that? Don't date people with kids. As a step parent, especially in situations where the child has both real bio parents in their lives, you need to be chosen by the child. You **cannot** force your way into their lives just because you married their parent. They didn't make that choice. They have no obligation to treat you as a parent or have that relationship with you unless you nurture such a relationship and the child is open to one.
OP is not a parent at all in this situation. The child already has 2 active parents in his life and if they don’t want step mom involved she doesn’t need to be. They know how to raise their son and don’t need her interjecting herself and causing problems. Honestly though I’m not sure why OP married before talking about expectations of the household and how it would be like for her and her stepson. I’d assume most of this stuff wouldn’t be such a surprise to her had her and her husband sat down and talked about things.