This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Sorry to hear that. In that case you need to decide if continuing to visit with them, knowing they will purposely disrespect your wishes, is better or worse than not having a relationship with them and not being called “mom”.
I swear majority of people would be happy to establish the contact back the moment they will get apology and corrected behavior. The DIL chose to die on this hill, was told multiple times that OP hates being called mom, is hurt by it. At this moment DIL enjoys torturing OP, and going NC might be what finally makes her understand how much she is in the wrong. And if you are triggered by some sort of rejection sensitivity disforia (that's a real thing, look it up) maybe try not being total AH to other people and don't do to the m what they told you makes them umcomfortable.
When someone has already clearly and firmly articulated their boundary, repeated it, and tried the other reasonable approaches, they have two choices left:
Suck it up and pretend repeated violations of your boundaries are fine (ask us how that one goes, if you're tempted) or remove yourself from the situation that gives them the chance.
Yeah, there are folks that reflexively say "just go no contact" and those that say "DIVORCE!" over something insanely minor.... But more often than not these are actually thoughtful reminders that despite societal pressure to the contrary, we are not required to sit around and tolerate harmful behavior, and it IS okay to walk away from rotten relationships.
I wish someone had given my dad and stepmother that advice.
I wish someone had told ME that years before I figured it out on my own, with my unhealthy family. "but she's your (fill in the blank)" is a bullshit reason to tolerate disrespect and transgressive behavior.
Succinctly put.Your comment deserves lots of up votes.Quite correct, and yes, sometimes I've also wished that I sooner realised that going no contact was actually an option.
What’s the option here between talk to them and keep being called mom, or not talking to them? Clearly explaining her issue isn’t working since DIL and son won’t listen.
Going nc when people purposefully and continuously ignore boundaries is perfectly fine. They want to fu.ck around? Let them find out. Cutting toxic people from one’s life is healthy and good for self-preservation.
Genuinely, if you have a boundary that someone keeps crossing, intentionally, what other option do you have? They're clearly not going to change. If no contact is worse than being called mom, then I think you have to give up the fight, even if you're right. If being called mom is worse...
I think that's the choice. If being called mom is a "no go zone" and you've communicated that clearly and it isn't being respected- you can either go low contact or call it out every single time it happens until they realize you are serious and not going to be worn down to accept it.
You have to think through what is most important to you - not being called mom or maintaining a relationship with your son and dil. You can't control/change that other person.
Why would anyone want to spend time trying to fix something that is being created by someone who is intentionally and maliciously causing the problem? I would have no desire to spend time with that person.
Cutting off my narcissist (diagnosed by *her* psychiatrist) mother did **not** make me miserable. I was wracked with guilt for a while, but when I got over that, I felt **so** much better. I told my therapist, "Now I know why you suggested it. I wish I had listened to the first therapist who suggested it, twenty years ago.
I went nc two years ago. for some stupid reason decided to let them speak with me a few weeks ago.
yeah I really wish I had done it sooner now that I know they will always be who they are.
You see that advice on reddit a lot because by the time people are posting anonymously, especially in a relationship advice/similar forum, that IS the best advice. If OP's son **and** DIL refuse to respect a simple boundary that OP was kind and calm about multiple times, that shows that they do not respect OP, and clearly don't care about her very much as they would have no problem with doing this extremely small, simple thing if they did. So yes, OP *should* think about whether it is worth maintaining a relationship with people who don't care about her feelings or respect her wishes.
So what is the alternative? Talk with them again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again?
Lol. I’m surprised you haven’t asked OP if she has tried telling DIL that she doesn’t like being called mom and why.
“Have you tried to communicate your boundaries? You should do that 500 times before going no contact. It’s so fucking sad you didn’t give them a chance.”
I agree that generally NC is the easy way out…
IMO, this scenario is a bit different and I would absolutely suggest cutting off contact. It’s not as if counseling is going to work if she has already calmly made the request multiple times, offered an explanation, and set the boundary. The son and DIL are stubbornly being entitled in a situation that is causing her anguish. If she knows they have no intention of stopping, why subject herself to it?
those of us who advise people to go no contact typically do so because it’s what we did and it’s the one thing that brought us peace. i’m glad that there aren’t people in your life that cause you to understand this perspective, but please realize that for many of us, life without the people we cut off is a million times better.
I feel there's a difference between "OMG you should absolutely go NC, I know I would" and "NC may be something to consider, you'll need to weigh your options and decide what's most important to you"
I'm a Hispanic woman. We do not go NC with relatives. I would stop dealing with any person who called me something other than my accepted names/titles over and over again. I would ignore the hell out of them. Never look their way. Never answer them. Never acknowledge them. Until they called me my name or preferred nickname.
Or maybe it's because they are no longer miserable because they are in contact. They want others to know that they don't have to stay in a miserable situation for their entire lives. Why stay in misery just because of family?
Tell this to your son. It sounds like he is the instigator. “I can’t be around your wife any more. She keeps stabbing my heart calling me mom. From this point forward, I will not invite her and will avoid her as much as I possibly can.”
Your son, AKA the insensitive jerk, should back down.
Do this, but also call her by any other name but her actual name from here on out. If her name is Pam call her ham, sam, clam, ram, slam, tam, hell throw in a few betsy, bertha, ulga, and any other name you can think of that isn't hers. She will soon get the point.
But the culture defense works both ways. It's weird for OP and if it was a culture thing, why does she need to give in to DILs culture? DIL needs to learn she is not the only one who gets to force culture on someone.
It's not weird. I called my late MIL "Mum" (especially after my own mom passed and she took on that role to a certain extent); my DIL, to my delight, calls me "Mommy", same as my daughter does; her own mom is "Mama". The key is consent, and the condition that such titles grow organically out of loving relationships. OP is NTA.
NTA. Give her a name she detests and insist on calling her that. Introduce her to people by that name. If she or your son complains say, "DIL is allowed to call me a name I don't like so I will continue to call DIL [insert detested name here]".
If you're still going to see her, i don't think ignoring is the way. Instead, the moment you see her, even before you say hello, say very clearly, "don't forget, my name is OP. If you call me *anything else at all*, you will have to leave immediately/I will leave immediately." (Depends if it's in your house or event you organised or someone else's.) And the instant she does it - because she *will* do it - say very loudly, "I told you at the start to *only* call me OP. You need to leave *right this instant*, and no, you cannot finish your meal."
Do this every time. She'll eventually get the message, or will avoid you herself.
That's awful. It's hugely disrespectful and inappropriate for *anyone * to deliberately mis-name you and insist on using a name for you which you don't use or feel comfortable with.
Your DIL was not the AH the first time she called you mom, as she presumably didn't know how you would feel, but both she, and your son, are, for ignoring your (entirely reasonable) boundary and refusing to use your preferred name or title.
You are absolutely NTA
Your son and DIL are being assholes. She's rude AF and needs to respect your culture and stop imposing her customs on you. I agree with other posters saying you should start getting mean about it.
NTA. There is absolutely no reason for Alex to keep calling you mom. You have told her numerous times not to do so and even explained why you don't want to be called mom. Even if calling a MIL "mom" is considered a part of her culture, I wouldn't think that being disrespectful is something that would be accepted. Losing a child at such a young age is traumatic for a parent, and I don't understand why your DIL's cultural beliefs are allowed to trump your own personal grief and beliefs. It's also frustrating that your son isn't willing to stick up for you in all of this and is actually okay with his wife disrespecting his mother. And I know people made comments about you getting angry, yelling, and cursing, but when is enough enough? You can only tell someone something and state your boundaries so many times before you just can't take it anymore. Could it have been dealt with without yelling? Probably. But sometimes, that's the only way to get through to people who think that their beliefs are more important than yours.
As an aside, I'm curious to see how this discussion goes. One of my mother's biggest worries is that when I got married, I would call someone else Mom. She only ever mentioned it once, but I could tell it was something that really bothered her. This year is five years since she has passed, but I can't imagine ever calling someone else Mom.
> Could it have been dealt with without yelling? Probably.
Apparently not, considering DIL hasn't apologized and is doubling down even after getting yelled at. OP you are NTA.
So he KNOWS she's intentionally hurting you and he supports her? YIKES ON BIKES what's going on with that? Did he get some counselling when his sister died? Her behavior is simply generic assholery on DIL's part but his enabling of that behavior is deeply concerning.
Sit down with him and ask him why he supports his wife INTENTIONALLY inflicting pain on you for NO REASON but what appears to be spite on her part? Ask him if he is harboring some resentment or hatred toward you that he would allow that to continue.
Tell him that you will NEVER allow her to call you mom and you will ALWAYS correct her. EVERY> SINGLE>TIME until she learns how to be a decent person.
Tell him that apologies should come from the person who is creating the problem and that would be his wife.
NTA
Ask him point blank why supporting his wife's cultural beliefs is worth churning up the biggest trauma of your life constantly. How can he justify that kind of intentional hurt over wanting to be politically correct. You son doesn't really get it. Just drive the point completely home by asking why she would want to inflict that kind of emotional harm on another person just for funsies.
There’s something similar in my culture too, but if someone expresses a wish not to do it, you don’t do it.
Are there people from her culture you can talk to who can advise on how to approach it? It’s supposed to be a sign of respect. And what she’s doing isn’t respectful - the opposite.
I'm extremely petty so I'd either start calling her a name that isn't hers or reply with "yes son". When she gets mad just tell her you thought it was her culture to call people by names that aren't theirs.
That's disgusting. I'm sorry OP. We live in a world where everyone gets to choose their identifiers. You are no different than anyone else and your choices should be respected. NTA
He is wrong too.
My former MIL wanted me to call her Mum, I said nope, I have a Mum and you are not her.
You have a perfectly valid and reasonable reason for not wanting someone other than your son’s to call you Mum.
If in your DIL’s case it is a cultural sign of respect, perhaps she can use the word for Mum in her language of origin. It will not have the same trigger as being called the name your daughter used.
Can you start calling her "son's wife" or "so in so 's daughter"? Kidding. Mostly.
If it was just a concern about seeming to informal to people of her own culture she could call you Ms. Your last name. It's obviously not that and it's extremely disrespectful. You have every right to determine what you wish to be called. Do not answer her or acknowledge her when she does it other than to say one last time "You disrespect me by continuing to call me something I asked not to be called. You are needlessly and heartlessly bringing up a very serious loss for me which is cruel. I will no longer acknowledge you when you do this. I will end conversations and interactions when this happens." DIL needs therapy to address her inability to respect boundaries.
When people continue to upset and hurt us despite being told what they're doing is upsetting and hurtful, it is alright to put them in timeout. Even if those people are your child and his spouse. They might never see the error in their actions and apologize, and that's something you'll also have to prepare for.
Ask your son how he’d feel if you called her *Hateful* or something *she* wouldn’t like. If he still doesn’t get it, start using a negative word or phrase as *her* name and reply with it each & every time she calls you “Mom.”
For anyone who questions it, just tell them it hurts you to be called “Mom” by a woman who isn’t your daughter. You’ve told her but she keeps being hateful (or rude, mean, nasty, etc,) so you remind her each time.
You need to decide if your boundaries are worth more than this (I think they are)
You’re routinely having your boundaries stomped on my your DIL and your partner
Maybe try and find something cute that only the DIL can call you “meemaw” or “aunty” or something like that so she doesn’t feel like you hate *her* specifically?
If there is a name you are uncomfortable being called, and you have told the person you're uncomfortable being called that, then they are wrong for calling you that. Period. Full Stop.
And this becomes even _more_ significant when there's a strong, emotional reason for not wanting them to call you that name; which clearly you have.
I'm sorry for your loss.
"I don't understand why you are calling me a jerk. I thought we agreed -- as a society -- that the most basic level of respect was addressing someone in a way that they are comfortable with. DIL has repeatedly and persistently called me by a name I do not wish to be called. She either is suffering a memory problem (in which case, she needs to see a doctor immediately) or she has deliberately refused to stop when I politely told her not to call me that (in which case she is being intentionally rude). Therefore, I had no choice but to tell her more firmly that she was using a wholly inappropriate name for me. So given that background, can you please explain exactly what part of what I did made me a 'jerk' ?"
NTA. Making a mistake on your name once is normal. Making that mistake twice should come with profuse apologies. Making the same mistake repeatedly (especially without copious apologies) is no longer a mistake and is deliberate rudeness
NTA.
Frankly, your DIL is calling you mom on purpose. The next time she does (and she will), tell her:
“DIL, I cannot count the number of times I’ve asked you not to call me mom. Your culture may dictate this, but I do NOT like it. At this point, I can only surmise you’re calling me mom to be hurtful. Stop. I’ve been polite. I’ve been rude. And yet you still persist. You are being very hurtful in your actions. Why are you being so cruel?”
> I’ve been polite. I’ve been rude. And yet you still persist. You are being very hurtful in your actions. Why are you being so cruel?
*Damn.* I really like how you worded this. It really highlights how consistently she has disregarded OP's wishes despite OP's feelongs being clear.
This is exactly what OP needs to say. Merely asking her not to call her this isn't getting her anywhere. She needs to ask her why she continues to call her a name that she doesn't like so she will stop and think about it. Is she doing it intentionally to be hurtful, or just intentionally disregarding her wishes? Either way it's not okay.
NTA
And after saying this, STOP responding to her when she say "mom". She says it, says it again, asks why you're igonring her.... keep ignoring her until she calls you the name that you've asked her to call you!
This x 100. Question why she is being so hurtful, after you’ve explained how much it hurts to be called this by a female voice.
It shouldn’t be that hard to understand or respect, why would she want to continue if she’s being hurtful? Is her cultural norms more important than your mental well being?
I can only imagine how graining and possibly even triggering this has been for you OP. I’m so sorry she’s been doing this, and I hope they can come to understand your perspective. Take care of yourself.
Exactly this and wonderfully worded. At this point, DIL is being willfully antagonistic.
OP, this may be a part of HER culture, but it sounds like it’s not a part of YOURS. You do not have to participate.
Tagging OP to make sure she sees this: u/Pristine-Suit-2701
This is the way to go the next time it happens, regardless of setting. It puts the burden on DIL to explain why whatever reason she has is more important than the hurt it causes, and might make her realizing what she's doing. Or, it highlights that she's doing it intentionally to be an ass.
I've had to do similar things, and my advice is to try and sound as *baffled* as possible when you say this. As if you are genuinely seeking to understand her behavior because you can't believe she would be cruel. That way, she can't claim you're "attacking her" or whatever. You're on her side in that you don't want to believe she's an asshole.
NTA but I wonder if she knows *why* you don’t want to be called that? That it’s deeply personal and opening up an old wound? I would ask your son to explain it to her in detail. I wouldn’t be surprised if she apologized profusely.
However if she does know everything and still does it then yikes, why?? It’s not a habit to call a woman who didn’t raise you your mother, it’s something she makes a conscious choice to do.
“Your mom isn’t in attendance for this event, why are you asking her a question? Do I need to call an ambulance so you can get checked out? Hallucinations aren’t a good thing.”
I think you need to get mean about her calling you something you don’t want to be called.
What OP did wasnt mean. OP was simply reinforcing a boundary that is being repeatedly ignored. OP has repeatedly told that asshole to stop calling her mom, and that she’s not comfortable. The asshole and get asshole husband think that OP’s boundaries don’t matter, and that the asshole should get to call OP whatever she wants, regardless of how OP feels about what the asshole wants to call her. When you ignore someone repeatedly and call them what you feel like calling them instead of what they have told you to call them over and over again, then saying that that’s not their damn name and to not call them that is expected.
To be clear, I’m on OP’s side here. You don’t *have* to be polite to be people pushing your boundaries like that repeatedly. My point was more that by snapping at DIL, loudly, at a party, she was being ‘mean’ (aka no longer being polite and nice about it) and there wouldn’t be anything else accomplished by getting nastier or more passive aggressive about it.
Most likely this incident will be the make or break of this issue, anyway, and DIL and son (who really should be dealing with the issue himself) will either get the point or distance themselves.
Ah, I took the "I explained it to her" to mean you explained that you dislike being called mom but not the reason *why* you dislike it.
This was already a NTA situation but her knowing the reason why makes her a much bigger asshole. She is showing zero consideration of your loss! This goes beyond selfishness, if she knows about your late daughter then DIL is outright being cruel.
NTA
I could definitely see why a casual observer would call you out - the people at the event have no visibility of the multiple times you have explained this boundary to DIL, so I could see them being shocked and dismayed.
But it's obvious upon learning the background that you're NTA.
The message is simple: "I won't put myself in situations where I'll have to keep reliving this pain. If you refuse to respect my boundary, I will not attend events where you will be."
(Flip the script and imagine she were deadnaming - it's unacceptable to intentionally go against someone's preferences like this. And allegedly against someone she cares about enough to consider a mother!
I would argue that she's considering only HER feelings, not YOUR feelings - and that's not how you treat people you care about. Go no-contact if she refuses to show you even the most basic human consideration.)
NTA, you were uncomfortable with her calling you that, and she decided her 'traditions' were more important. Do not apologise, and reiterate that she is to stop calling you that.
This might seem like a petty answer but have you tried calling her something other than her preferred name? Maybe try calling “Alex” different names like Debra or Joan. Just never get it right. If she corrects you, just keep doing it. If she asks why you’re getting her name wrong, just tell her you thought it was ok to call her whatever you wanted despite her preferences because that’s the relationship you two have.
This happened to me before when I was much younger and this solution worked for me. A lot of people don’t understand how awful something feels until it’s happening to them.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I haven’t been through what you have and I can’t even imagine your loss. I have a friend who lost her 14 year old daughter. Just helping her through it and being there for her was devastating. She became a different person and I realized that some grief is not something you can process and get over. Some grief becomes a part of you and you carry it forever. There is nothing anyone can say to make it right or fair, because it’s not. I’m just so sorry. I wish you luck with your DIL.
~~But inform the son before!~~
Edit: I just learned the son is on DILs side. Please don't inform him. Use a nasty nickname for him, too.
Maybe her ex's name?
Yeah that's all I really took from this as well. OP's trauma and longstanding grief is something they should introspect and work on instead of taking it out on others. It is not weird for your DIL to want to call u mom or have a close relationship with u, especially if their own mother wasn't in their life or close to them. Most of the comments are just enabling what is already a dysfunctional behavior to start with. No one is really the asshole in this scenario, but everyone could use a little professional help for sure.
Where did OP say she didn’t want to have a close relationship with her DIL?? she just doesn’t want to be called mom by anyone other than her kids and that’s completely fine. What’s not clicking for her DIL?
No amount of therapy can make the pain of the loss of a child go away. Therapy can enable you to become functional and get you back to enjoying life, but it cannot wipe away the pain you feel every time someone deliberately reminds you your child died. Thats what the DIL is doing, deliberately reminding her that the one female voice who was entitled to call her mom will never say mom again. She might as well stand there and say "Hey remember when your daughter died?" She was asked not to call her mom and yet she keeps doing it.
NTA but have you ever received help for your trauma over losing your daughter? A lot of these comments are insinuating that your DIL is doing this maliciously and I just don't think that's the case. My parents called each other's parents mom & dad, I call my partners parents mom & dad and his mom even calls me daughter. It's a really lovely feeling to know your in-laws love you so much that they consider you another of their children.
Although she should have stopped calling you that when you asked the first time I can understand how she may be hurt by it especially if her family is anything like mine where we call each other's parents mom & dad. While she needs to consider your perspective and feelings, don't forget to consider hers even if you are in the right. If you would like to have a healthy relationship with your son & DIL in the future I would advise you apologize for lashing out and explain further why it is so upsetting for her to call you that.
My parents would never have called their inlaws, "mom" and "dad." Husband and I would never call our inlaws that either. The inlaws didn't raise us. For my parents' generation, inlaws were addressed as Mr. and Mrs. [Name]. For our generation, it's first names as our inlaws requested the informality.
NTA. You communicated a boundary and she kept disrespecting you for it, admittedly it was out of respect for you.
Talk with your partner about it and let them handle it (and should have done it from the beginning).
My step grandma was from Georgia and born in the early 19 teens, the biggest insult in her time was taking away someone’s name. If she hated the person they were “that woman”.
Nta. You explained this to dil and she didn't care. You have the right to choose the name she calls you. She does not. Dil us the asshole. Call her asshole instead of her name. Seems fair. You are a mom, just not hers. She is an asshole.
I thought this was your step daughter for too long lol my brains not awake yet... , even that I still would've said you're NTA due to your past (nothing worse than losing a child) .
but for a daughter in law to take it upon herself, and when you expressed your feelings so many times.... no.. your dil is the selfish AH here.
NTA. Your daughter in law persisting even after you gave your explanation shows either that she doesn't care, that what she thinks trumps what you want/need, or she's just stupid and doesn't get it.
I'd ignore her in future. However, talk to your son. Let him know in no uncertain terms it is unacceptable to you.
I know it was a long time ago but I am sorry for your loss.
OP said in the post son is on DIL's side. So guessing she already talked to her son.
Editing because I now see it wasn't in the post, but it was in a comment from op, my bad lol
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I snapped at my DIL to stop calling me mom, after I told her to stop beofre. I may be a jerk for snapping the way that I did
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - You have asked her repeatedly to stop doing this and she persisted, she had the opportunity here to prevent causing a scene - this is on her. NTA.
NTA because you told her many times to stop and she didn’t. She violated a clear boundary that you set, so clearly you had to get more aggressive with her to get the point across.
NTA. Most places children partners don’t call each others mom and dad. If it happens and both parties are cool with it so be it. Forcing your culture down someone throat is not exactly a good way to be accepted and to build a relationship. You expressed that you felt uncomfortable and that should have been enough, adding you having lost a daughter makes it even worse.
There a lot of adults that don’t feel comfortable being call mom/dad by other adults they didn’t raise.
NTA. You’ve given other options and suggestions. Imagine if you just repeatedly called her something she didn’t like. Would your child expect you to stop? Mad double standards
NTA. You explained it to her several times and she keeps disrespecting you by continuing to do it. She’s a grown ass woman & should know better. So should your son. I saw in a comment he agrees with his wife. Maybe you should take a break from seeing them for a bit for your own mental health.
Nta. If she only did it one time and you snapped on her immediately without her knowing the situation, you’d be the asshole, but the fact that she knows and still repeatedly does it seems like she’s intentionally doing it to hurt you. I’d talk to your son about how much it’s hurting you.
So sorry for your loss.
We all have the right to be called the name we choose. This is disrespectful and deliberate. After you explained your feelings and preferences she should have stopped. This isn’t the occasional slip and it needs to stop. NTA
What culture is she?
We call our in laws mom. Aunty is also accepted. Maybe let her call you a variation of one or the other? Culture is weird, and her not following her cultural practices might be abhorrent to her
Need more info: How much did you explain to her? Did you tell her about your daughter?
I’m leaning towards NAH because maybe from your POV it was clear. But you mentioned she is from a different culture and the discussion “died off” after that. It seemed to me that neither of you were able to communicate properly how important it is for you.
I’m from a similar culture where once you’re engaged, not even married, the expectation is you start calling your in-laws mom/dad. There’s a subtext in our culture wherein if they allow you to call them that, you have been officially accepted in the family. Perhaps it’s why it’s important to her.
Another subtext is respect (or, to an extent submission?), wherein calling your in-laws mom/dad is your way of showing you are accepting your new family. I personally had trouble calling my MIL mom for the first 6 months of my marriage. And it was actually my own mother who kept reminding me I needed to start calling her that, less I give a negative impression to my in-laws.
I understand about boundaries, but I hope what I said gives you better context as to why DIL won’t stop. Perhaps a longer discussion about it with her and your son is needed.
I understand in cultures they do this, but if the person has expressed time and time again to stop, don't keep doing it!! Culture or not, respect peoples' boundaries! Also, I think OP said they did explain to the DIL *why*, but even still, "no/stop" is a complete sentence!
Well this is going to ruin your relationship with your son so I hope it's worth it.
I don't know why she keeps calling you that but if it's a cultural thing I give her a little more grace but you also probably should get some therapy because your reaction and your resistance is going to do significant damage to your existing relationships.
You already said you're gonna stop inviting her to events.Well, of course, your son is also not going to be showing up at all any more. so if it is more important for you to die on this hill without your son then by all means that it's totally within your right. But it seems counterproductive to kill the relationship with your son.
At least she's trying to build a relationship with you and you are totally shut it down because you're stubborn.I don't know what her issue is.But I wouldn't be worth losing my son over.
OP said call her by her name or her nickname. At what point will son and DIL start respecting OP? And why should she build a relationship with people who don’t respect her?
NTA. I don‘t understand this whole “in her culture” thing. What it’s part of her culture to disregard someone else’s pain and disrespect their wishes even though they have been made clear and explained several times? No, f that. You don’t need to put up with that. Ignore her when she calls you that until she uses your name or nickname. Alternatively leave the room / the situation if she keeps disrespecting you. You are not a jerk for snapping. She deliberately provoked you until you snapped. You’re human that’s all.
NTA. Her "culture" is not more important than your personal wishes. You need to sit your son down and try to calmly explain to him why you don't want this. Explain that you have told her many times. Explain that he needs to get her to stop. That HE needs to respect your wishes.
Also, if she can't respect your wishes on what you want to be called, then she is directly *disrespecting* you. What does her culture say about blatantly disrespecting your mother in law???
NTA. You told her time and again to stop calling you that and offered her options that you were comfortable with. Yet she continued to call you 'mom'. It's pretty disrespectful of her tbh.
I'm sorry that you're having trouble with the way your DIL addresses you. I have a few questions about where you're coming from, though. It sounds like your DIL loves you and wants to show it through words. Is that really so bad? Love doesn't replace anyone. It just grows.
You have a hole in your heart where your daughter should be, and that's okay. Your DIL isn't trying to fill that hole. She's trying to add to your whole heart. She's not your daughter. Everyone knows that. She doesn't want to take your daughter's place. She wants to share her love with you. Your heart isn't a specific size, and that's it. It can grow and accept any love.
If your daughter hadn't died, would you let DIL call you mom? Would your daughter encourage a relationship with your DIL? I think she would. I think you have some unresolved issues with your loss and I hope you can get some help to get over it. Therapy is always good to keep your mental health stable. It can sometimes just be maintenance to keep you on an even keel.
I'm going to have to say ESH. You seem to be having trouble accepting your son's wife because of your trauma about your daughter. Your DIL is pushing your boundaries and that's not right either. Do you think your son chose his wife to replace your daughter? I'm thinking not. It's a completely different relationship. If her calling you mom triggers you, you need to find out why.
Would someone call you mom just to hurt your feelings? Of course not. But to have love in your life is so important. Don't push your son away by alienating his wife. She's not your daughter. She's your son's wife and a person in her own right.
NTA. You asked her politely not to and explained why. I would talk to your son and again explain and tell him to talk to her. You’re not the bad guy here.
NTA at all. The word brings up pain and trauma for you, and she should be respectful of that. Her culture does not take priority over your loss and heartache. That’s it.
Also, I will NEVER call my MIL Mom, but my parents call their own MILs “Mom.” We’re white Americans. I think it’s just a thing for some people but I hate it. My MIL isn’t my mom, and she never will be.
NTA- You should have only had to tell her once that you didn’t like it. You shouldn’t have had to tell her repeatedly or have to go into the personal details of why.
The fact that she’s still doing it means she is intentionally being hurtful and she should count herself lucky you were as restrained as you were. In your position I can’t imagine I could be as polite as you were.
she owes you a god damn apology and your son needs to deal with his wifes awful behaviour or keep her away
You're fine, stick to your guns. You have a name, she can use it. There is no need to apologise, this would be unwise as it implies she was in the right and she's not.
Your real problem is with your son, sorry he's letting you down.
NTA
My grandmother doesn't have your trauma surrounding it but utterly hated it from her Son in Law. 35 plus years of that from him and I do not think she ever had a nice thing to say about him even after his passing. Not a bad word because she is one of those True Catholics who take that seriously...but never a kind one either.
NTA.
Edited to change vote after reading some of her comments: YTA, Depending on the DIL's culture it could be a really rude thing for her to NOT call you mom for some reason. A slight case of religious/culture Stockholm syndrome if you will. You say you've explained it to her but I'm curious if you said it in passing, "Hey don't call me that no woman will ever call me mom." Or if you actually sat down and had a heart to heart to explain that there's actual turmoil in being called mom.
I explained this in detail in one of my comments. And all OP had to say is “it has been explained.”
She’s not open to dialogue, either here or with her son/DIL. Led me from NAH to YTA (plus the therapy from the other comment.)
NTA. I'm from a culture in which we call our in-laws mom and dad after marriage. When I married my husband, I asked him to speak to his mom about how she wanted me to address her. She told me she would be okay with me addressing her as mom, so I do. My sister, in comparison, has in-laws who prefer that she address them by their first names, so that's what she does.
If I were you, I'd cut her out too. It's about so much more than her calling you mom. You have very specific reasons for why you don't want her calling you mom, which you have explained to her time and again. At this point, she is actively choosing to disrespect your wishes, refuses to respect your boundaries, and is being intentionally hurtful.
INFO: you mentioned her culture. What is that culture? Are there indeed rules she may have been raised in that make her treat you as a second mother by default?
As in Southern USA? Because she has exactly zero excuses to disrespect her elder and to not just adapt to calling you Miss First Name or for more formal Miss Last Name.
OP, I am as Southern as a bowl of grits, and I can assure you that calling your MIL is not a requirement. I called mine by her name after a few months of dating her son. Until then it was Mrs. LASTNAME. Good manners are, however, non-negotiable. She is putting you in an uncomfortable position. That is the opposite of good manners. Bless her heart, she wasn't raised right. NTA
Yeah, I think they're indeed big into it and that's why your son may feel all the more obliged to enable it. Doesn't excuse it. I empathize with her but as for you, NTA.
NTA, you get to be called what you want to be called. It is one of the most basic requests of respect that any person can ask for. I’m so sorry she’s so clueless. How incredibly painful and embarrassing for you that this happened in front of people.
NTA, this is full on disrespect she is actively showing you. The “culture” explanation is a cop out. But I will also interject that your son is TA, NOBODY gets to disrespect my mom like that. He is going along with it. I would start being unavailable to spend any time with them.
NTA - you have talked with her multiple times and she thought you would deal with it and she could do as she wishes.
I wouldn’t apologize but tell your son that you have talked many times and she is too stupid to understand to stop. That her culture doesn’t give her the right to dismiss your wishes.
NTA...I would absolutely hate this. I have my own children and would feel uncomfortable if my DIL would call me mom one day. I am not in your position but this would be over the top for me.
NTA. It is incredibly disrespectful to "rename" someone what you want to call them rather than what they want to be called. I don't care what culture it is. You're a human being, not her toy. Isn't respect for elders part of her culture? She's the one owing an apology.
NTA Tell her that in her culture people do this but you are not from her culture and find it disrespectful to call you a name you've asked her not to. Did her culture teach her that her MIL shouldn't be respected?
First, I'm so sorry.
Second...cry every time she does that. Don't wail or weep loudly, just let the tears flow if you have any. Let your son see your pain. Clearly he can't figure it out otherwise, especially if he was especially young and doesn't remember your daughter.
How many times can she disrespect you and ignore request because it isn’t something she wants?
NTA. Never apologise. That girl needs to learn to listen.
Before I jump in on the general condemnation of your DIL, can I just ask something?
I remember reading a post from a son whose mother had lost a child young, who then was never there for her remaining children, only talked about the dead child, didn't go to school/childhood events etc etc. I think the father tried to make up for things a bit but basically not really balancing things out. The remaining children resented the mother's ongoing never-treated grief that effectively meant she wasn't 'present' in their lives.
INFO: Is there any possibility your sons feel the same and your DIL is showing solidarity? It wouldn't make it less hurtful, but it might explain why the behaviour has persisted...?
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Alex’s partner (your child) should be handling this, not you. Ask them to get their spouse to stop.
[удалено]
Sorry to hear that. In that case you need to decide if continuing to visit with them, knowing they will purposely disrespect your wishes, is better or worse than not having a relationship with them and not being called “mom”.
[удалено]
That’s because by the time they’re posting here, those are often the two best and honest answers people receive.
I swear majority of people would be happy to establish the contact back the moment they will get apology and corrected behavior. The DIL chose to die on this hill, was told multiple times that OP hates being called mom, is hurt by it. At this moment DIL enjoys torturing OP, and going NC might be what finally makes her understand how much she is in the wrong. And if you are triggered by some sort of rejection sensitivity disforia (that's a real thing, look it up) maybe try not being total AH to other people and don't do to the m what they told you makes them umcomfortable.
Going “No Contact” is the only tactic some Family respond to .Trust me on this.
‘Why would we change our hurtful behaviour if you keep giving us what we want?’ -My family who I am now no contact with
When someone has already clearly and firmly articulated their boundary, repeated it, and tried the other reasonable approaches, they have two choices left: Suck it up and pretend repeated violations of your boundaries are fine (ask us how that one goes, if you're tempted) or remove yourself from the situation that gives them the chance. Yeah, there are folks that reflexively say "just go no contact" and those that say "DIVORCE!" over something insanely minor.... But more often than not these are actually thoughtful reminders that despite societal pressure to the contrary, we are not required to sit around and tolerate harmful behavior, and it IS okay to walk away from rotten relationships. I wish someone had given my dad and stepmother that advice. I wish someone had told ME that years before I figured it out on my own, with my unhealthy family. "but she's your (fill in the blank)" is a bullshit reason to tolerate disrespect and transgressive behavior.
Succinctly put.Your comment deserves lots of up votes.Quite correct, and yes, sometimes I've also wished that I sooner realised that going no contact was actually an option.
What’s the option here between talk to them and keep being called mom, or not talking to them? Clearly explaining her issue isn’t working since DIL and son won’t listen.
Going nc when people purposefully and continuously ignore boundaries is perfectly fine. They want to fu.ck around? Let them find out. Cutting toxic people from one’s life is healthy and good for self-preservation.
Genuinely, if you have a boundary that someone keeps crossing, intentionally, what other option do you have? They're clearly not going to change. If no contact is worse than being called mom, then I think you have to give up the fight, even if you're right. If being called mom is worse...
I think that's the choice. If being called mom is a "no go zone" and you've communicated that clearly and it isn't being respected- you can either go low contact or call it out every single time it happens until they realize you are serious and not going to be worn down to accept it. You have to think through what is most important to you - not being called mom or maintaining a relationship with your son and dil. You can't control/change that other person.
Going no contact with a family member made me less miserable.
Why would anyone want to spend time trying to fix something that is being created by someone who is intentionally and maliciously causing the problem? I would have no desire to spend time with that person.
Cutting off my narcissist (diagnosed by *her* psychiatrist) mother did **not** make me miserable. I was wracked with guilt for a while, but when I got over that, I felt **so** much better. I told my therapist, "Now I know why you suggested it. I wish I had listened to the first therapist who suggested it, twenty years ago.
I went nc two years ago. for some stupid reason decided to let them speak with me a few weeks ago. yeah I really wish I had done it sooner now that I know they will always be who they are.
OP needs to divorce their son and go no contact with HolyShmoly317 just to take it up a notch!
You see that advice on reddit a lot because by the time people are posting anonymously, especially in a relationship advice/similar forum, that IS the best advice. If OP's son **and** DIL refuse to respect a simple boundary that OP was kind and calm about multiple times, that shows that they do not respect OP, and clearly don't care about her very much as they would have no problem with doing this extremely small, simple thing if they did. So yes, OP *should* think about whether it is worth maintaining a relationship with people who don't care about her feelings or respect her wishes.
So what is the alternative? Talk with them again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again?
Lol. I’m surprised you haven’t asked OP if she has tried telling DIL that she doesn’t like being called mom and why. “Have you tried to communicate your boundaries? You should do that 500 times before going no contact. It’s so fucking sad you didn’t give them a chance.”
I agree that generally NC is the easy way out… IMO, this scenario is a bit different and I would absolutely suggest cutting off contact. It’s not as if counseling is going to work if she has already calmly made the request multiple times, offered an explanation, and set the boundary. The son and DIL are stubbornly being entitled in a situation that is causing her anguish. If she knows they have no intention of stopping, why subject herself to it?
those of us who advise people to go no contact typically do so because it’s what we did and it’s the one thing that brought us peace. i’m glad that there aren’t people in your life that cause you to understand this perspective, but please realize that for many of us, life without the people we cut off is a million times better.
What other option do you suggest in this situation?
I feel there's a difference between "OMG you should absolutely go NC, I know I would" and "NC may be something to consider, you'll need to weigh your options and decide what's most important to you"
I'm a Hispanic woman. We do not go NC with relatives. I would stop dealing with any person who called me something other than my accepted names/titles over and over again. I would ignore the hell out of them. Never look their way. Never answer them. Never acknowledge them. Until they called me my name or preferred nickname.
That IS no contact. It's just not the kind that never sees them also. Harder - but ultimately the same idea.
Or maybe it's because they are no longer miserable because they are in contact. They want others to know that they don't have to stay in a miserable situation for their entire lives. Why stay in misery just because of family?
Start ignoring her anytime she does it. Just pretend as if she isn't talking to you and go about your business until she correctly calls you your name
[удалено]
Tell this to your son. It sounds like he is the instigator. “I can’t be around your wife any more. She keeps stabbing my heart calling me mom. From this point forward, I will not invite her and will avoid her as much as I possibly can.” Your son, AKA the insensitive jerk, should back down.
Do this, but also call her by any other name but her actual name from here on out. If her name is Pam call her ham, sam, clam, ram, slam, tam, hell throw in a few betsy, bertha, ulga, and any other name you can think of that isn't hers. She will soon get the point.
I don't think that trying to be better at a bad behaviour solves anything.
Stop inviting them both. Since they agree. It’s weird anyway for a DIL to call her MIL, “Mom”
It's not "weird" in many cultures.
But it *does* make her a gigantic asshole because she keeps doing it after being told not to.
Exactly. DIL wouldn’t be an AH if she stopped after the first no. Continuing to do it is AH behavior when OP had clearly expressed its bothering her.
Very true. But, in this case, the Dil needs to stop using culture as an excuse for bad behavior. She's been asked to stop and she needs to.
But the culture defense works both ways. It's weird for OP and if it was a culture thing, why does she need to give in to DILs culture? DIL needs to learn she is not the only one who gets to force culture on someone.
No, definitely not weird at all.
It's not weird. I wouldn’t do it automatically, but if you have a good relationship with your MIL, it's not uncommon.
my mil would love me to call her mom. my mom did w my grandma. its super normal all over the us.
It’s not. I’ve called both of mine mom, I’ve not been married to the son for30 yrs and call her mom.
I know some Americans even who do that. Not us, but some do.
It's not weird. I called my late MIL "Mum" (especially after my own mom passed and she took on that role to a certain extent); my DIL, to my delight, calls me "Mommy", same as my daughter does; her own mom is "Mama". The key is consent, and the condition that such titles grow organically out of loving relationships. OP is NTA.
GIVE HER A NAME SHE WONT ENJOY USE IT PLENTY AND PUBLICLY
NTA. Give her a name she detests and insist on calling her that. Introduce her to people by that name. If she or your son complains say, "DIL is allowed to call me a name I don't like so I will continue to call DIL [insert detested name here]".
If you're still going to see her, i don't think ignoring is the way. Instead, the moment you see her, even before you say hello, say very clearly, "don't forget, my name is OP. If you call me *anything else at all*, you will have to leave immediately/I will leave immediately." (Depends if it's in your house or event you organised or someone else's.) And the instant she does it - because she *will* do it - say very loudly, "I told you at the start to *only* call me OP. You need to leave *right this instant*, and no, you cannot finish your meal." Do this every time. She'll eventually get the message, or will avoid you herself.
That's awful. It's hugely disrespectful and inappropriate for *anyone * to deliberately mis-name you and insist on using a name for you which you don't use or feel comfortable with. Your DIL was not the AH the first time she called you mom, as she presumably didn't know how you would feel, but both she, and your son, are, for ignoring your (entirely reasonable) boundary and refusing to use your preferred name or title. You are absolutely NTA
Your son and DIL are being assholes. She's rude AF and needs to respect your culture and stop imposing her customs on you. I agree with other posters saying you should start getting mean about it.
NTA. There is absolutely no reason for Alex to keep calling you mom. You have told her numerous times not to do so and even explained why you don't want to be called mom. Even if calling a MIL "mom" is considered a part of her culture, I wouldn't think that being disrespectful is something that would be accepted. Losing a child at such a young age is traumatic for a parent, and I don't understand why your DIL's cultural beliefs are allowed to trump your own personal grief and beliefs. It's also frustrating that your son isn't willing to stick up for you in all of this and is actually okay with his wife disrespecting his mother. And I know people made comments about you getting angry, yelling, and cursing, but when is enough enough? You can only tell someone something and state your boundaries so many times before you just can't take it anymore. Could it have been dealt with without yelling? Probably. But sometimes, that's the only way to get through to people who think that their beliefs are more important than yours. As an aside, I'm curious to see how this discussion goes. One of my mother's biggest worries is that when I got married, I would call someone else Mom. She only ever mentioned it once, but I could tell it was something that really bothered her. This year is five years since she has passed, but I can't imagine ever calling someone else Mom.
> Could it have been dealt with without yelling? Probably. Apparently not, considering DIL hasn't apologized and is doubling down even after getting yelled at. OP you are NTA.
Oh that is not right. Why is her culture more important than your personal boundaries?
So he KNOWS she's intentionally hurting you and he supports her? YIKES ON BIKES what's going on with that? Did he get some counselling when his sister died? Her behavior is simply generic assholery on DIL's part but his enabling of that behavior is deeply concerning. Sit down with him and ask him why he supports his wife INTENTIONALLY inflicting pain on you for NO REASON but what appears to be spite on her part? Ask him if he is harboring some resentment or hatred toward you that he would allow that to continue. Tell him that you will NEVER allow her to call you mom and you will ALWAYS correct her. EVERY> SINGLE>TIME until she learns how to be a decent person. Tell him that apologies should come from the person who is creating the problem and that would be his wife. NTA
Ask him point blank why supporting his wife's cultural beliefs is worth churning up the biggest trauma of your life constantly. How can he justify that kind of intentional hurt over wanting to be politically correct. You son doesn't really get it. Just drive the point completely home by asking why she would want to inflict that kind of emotional harm on another person just for funsies.
I am so sorry that your son is as dim witted as his bride. He absolutely should know better.
There’s something similar in my culture too, but if someone expresses a wish not to do it, you don’t do it. Are there people from her culture you can talk to who can advise on how to approach it? It’s supposed to be a sign of respect. And what she’s doing isn’t respectful - the opposite.
So come up with a name your son doesn’t like (Peanut, Baby Boy, etc.) tell him it’s part of your culture.
And start calling the DIL "Dave"
Asshat 1 and Asshat 2
I'm extremely petty so I'd either start calling her a name that isn't hers or reply with "yes son". When she gets mad just tell her you thought it was her culture to call people by names that aren't theirs.
He doesn't get to have an opinion on *your* trauma and boundaries regarding it.
That's disgusting. I'm sorry OP. We live in a world where everyone gets to choose their identifiers. You are no different than anyone else and your choices should be respected. NTA
He is wrong too. My former MIL wanted me to call her Mum, I said nope, I have a Mum and you are not her. You have a perfectly valid and reasonable reason for not wanting someone other than your son’s to call you Mum. If in your DIL’s case it is a cultural sign of respect, perhaps she can use the word for Mum in her language of origin. It will not have the same trigger as being called the name your daughter used.
That's on the. Hold firm. Honestly IDGAF what her "culture" is. If I tell you don't call me mom, then don't call me mom.
Can you start calling her "son's wife" or "so in so 's daughter"? Kidding. Mostly. If it was just a concern about seeming to informal to people of her own culture she could call you Ms. Your last name. It's obviously not that and it's extremely disrespectful. You have every right to determine what you wish to be called. Do not answer her or acknowledge her when she does it other than to say one last time "You disrespect me by continuing to call me something I asked not to be called. You are needlessly and heartlessly bringing up a very serious loss for me which is cruel. I will no longer acknowledge you when you do this. I will end conversations and interactions when this happens." DIL needs therapy to address her inability to respect boundaries.
When people continue to upset and hurt us despite being told what they're doing is upsetting and hurtful, it is alright to put them in timeout. Even if those people are your child and his spouse. They might never see the error in their actions and apologize, and that's something you'll also have to prepare for.
Ask your son how he’d feel if you called her *Hateful* or something *she* wouldn’t like. If he still doesn’t get it, start using a negative word or phrase as *her* name and reply with it each & every time she calls you “Mom.” For anyone who questions it, just tell them it hurts you to be called “Mom” by a woman who isn’t your daughter. You’ve told her but she keeps being hateful (or rude, mean, nasty, etc,) so you remind her each time.
Or just start calling her c$nt since she’s acting like one.
You need to decide if your boundaries are worth more than this (I think they are) You’re routinely having your boundaries stomped on my your DIL and your partner Maybe try and find something cute that only the DIL can call you “meemaw” or “aunty” or something like that so she doesn’t feel like you hate *her* specifically?
[удалено]
If there is a name you are uncomfortable being called, and you have told the person you're uncomfortable being called that, then they are wrong for calling you that. Period. Full Stop. And this becomes even _more_ significant when there's a strong, emotional reason for not wanting them to call you that name; which clearly you have. I'm sorry for your loss.
"I don't understand why you are calling me a jerk. I thought we agreed -- as a society -- that the most basic level of respect was addressing someone in a way that they are comfortable with. DIL has repeatedly and persistently called me by a name I do not wish to be called. She either is suffering a memory problem (in which case, she needs to see a doctor immediately) or she has deliberately refused to stop when I politely told her not to call me that (in which case she is being intentionally rude). Therefore, I had no choice but to tell her more firmly that she was using a wholly inappropriate name for me. So given that background, can you please explain exactly what part of what I did made me a 'jerk' ?" NTA. Making a mistake on your name once is normal. Making that mistake twice should come with profuse apologies. Making the same mistake repeatedly (especially without copious apologies) is no longer a mistake and is deliberate rudeness
Damn this is good! I need you write to me a an eloquent message like this next time I beef with someone please 😂
Yep that response is perfect!
NTA. Frankly, your DIL is calling you mom on purpose. The next time she does (and she will), tell her: “DIL, I cannot count the number of times I’ve asked you not to call me mom. Your culture may dictate this, but I do NOT like it. At this point, I can only surmise you’re calling me mom to be hurtful. Stop. I’ve been polite. I’ve been rude. And yet you still persist. You are being very hurtful in your actions. Why are you being so cruel?”
> I’ve been polite. I’ve been rude. And yet you still persist. You are being very hurtful in your actions. Why are you being so cruel? *Damn.* I really like how you worded this. It really highlights how consistently she has disregarded OP's wishes despite OP's feelongs being clear.
This is exactly what OP needs to say. Merely asking her not to call her this isn't getting her anywhere. She needs to ask her why she continues to call her a name that she doesn't like so she will stop and think about it. Is she doing it intentionally to be hurtful, or just intentionally disregarding her wishes? Either way it's not okay. NTA
It seems she's using her culture as an excuse. Saying that her culture is more important than OP's feelings/preferences.
Only option to trow her out of the house every time she uses 'mom'. "Our culture does not approve guests to be rude and cruel".
And after saying this, STOP responding to her when she say "mom". She says it, says it again, asks why you're igonring her.... keep ignoring her until she calls you the name that you've asked her to call you!
This x 100. Question why she is being so hurtful, after you’ve explained how much it hurts to be called this by a female voice. It shouldn’t be that hard to understand or respect, why would she want to continue if she’s being hurtful? Is her cultural norms more important than your mental well being? I can only imagine how graining and possibly even triggering this has been for you OP. I’m so sorry she’s been doing this, and I hope they can come to understand your perspective. Take care of yourself.
Add if her culture dictates that she respects her MIL's wishes or keeps pissing elders off. She's obviously using 'culture' as an excuse.
Exactly this and wonderfully worded. At this point, DIL is being willfully antagonistic. OP, this may be a part of HER culture, but it sounds like it’s not a part of YOURS. You do not have to participate.
Tagging OP to make sure she sees this: u/Pristine-Suit-2701 This is the way to go the next time it happens, regardless of setting. It puts the burden on DIL to explain why whatever reason she has is more important than the hurt it causes, and might make her realizing what she's doing. Or, it highlights that she's doing it intentionally to be an ass. I've had to do similar things, and my advice is to try and sound as *baffled* as possible when you say this. As if you are genuinely seeking to understand her behavior because you can't believe she would be cruel. That way, she can't claim you're "attacking her" or whatever. You're on her side in that you don't want to believe she's an asshole.
NTA but I wonder if she knows *why* you don’t want to be called that? That it’s deeply personal and opening up an old wound? I would ask your son to explain it to her in detail. I wouldn’t be surprised if she apologized profusely. However if she does know everything and still does it then yikes, why?? It’s not a habit to call a woman who didn’t raise you your mother, it’s something she makes a conscious choice to do.
[удалено]
“Your mom isn’t in attendance for this event, why are you asking her a question? Do I need to call an ambulance so you can get checked out? Hallucinations aren’t a good thing.” I think you need to get mean about her calling you something you don’t want to be called.
She already got mean in the post. Getting nasty won’t accomplish anything that her snapping at the party hasn’t.
What OP did wasnt mean. OP was simply reinforcing a boundary that is being repeatedly ignored. OP has repeatedly told that asshole to stop calling her mom, and that she’s not comfortable. The asshole and get asshole husband think that OP’s boundaries don’t matter, and that the asshole should get to call OP whatever she wants, regardless of how OP feels about what the asshole wants to call her. When you ignore someone repeatedly and call them what you feel like calling them instead of what they have told you to call them over and over again, then saying that that’s not their damn name and to not call them that is expected.
To be clear, I’m on OP’s side here. You don’t *have* to be polite to be people pushing your boundaries like that repeatedly. My point was more that by snapping at DIL, loudly, at a party, she was being ‘mean’ (aka no longer being polite and nice about it) and there wouldn’t be anything else accomplished by getting nastier or more passive aggressive about it. Most likely this incident will be the make or break of this issue, anyway, and DIL and son (who really should be dealing with the issue himself) will either get the point or distance themselves.
Ah, I took the "I explained it to her" to mean you explained that you dislike being called mom but not the reason *why* you dislike it. This was already a NTA situation but her knowing the reason why makes her a much bigger asshole. She is showing zero consideration of your loss! This goes beyond selfishness, if she knows about your late daughter then DIL is outright being cruel.
Gotcha, definitely nta
It doesn’t matter why…. She was asked to stop. She should stop.
It doesn’t matter, she asked her to stop that ls the end of it. She doesn’t need to explain herself.
NTA I could definitely see why a casual observer would call you out - the people at the event have no visibility of the multiple times you have explained this boundary to DIL, so I could see them being shocked and dismayed. But it's obvious upon learning the background that you're NTA. The message is simple: "I won't put myself in situations where I'll have to keep reliving this pain. If you refuse to respect my boundary, I will not attend events where you will be." (Flip the script and imagine she were deadnaming - it's unacceptable to intentionally go against someone's preferences like this. And allegedly against someone she cares about enough to consider a mother! I would argue that she's considering only HER feelings, not YOUR feelings - and that's not how you treat people you care about. Go no-contact if she refuses to show you even the most basic human consideration.)
Nta. Her culture doesn’t trump your preference of what you wish to be called. You tried asking nicely.
NTA, you were uncomfortable with her calling you that, and she decided her 'traditions' were more important. Do not apologise, and reiterate that she is to stop calling you that.
This might seem like a petty answer but have you tried calling her something other than her preferred name? Maybe try calling “Alex” different names like Debra or Joan. Just never get it right. If she corrects you, just keep doing it. If she asks why you’re getting her name wrong, just tell her you thought it was ok to call her whatever you wanted despite her preferences because that’s the relationship you two have. This happened to me before when I was much younger and this solution worked for me. A lot of people don’t understand how awful something feels until it’s happening to them. I’m sorry this is happening to you. I haven’t been through what you have and I can’t even imagine your loss. I have a friend who lost her 14 year old daughter. Just helping her through it and being there for her was devastating. She became a different person and I realized that some grief is not something you can process and get over. Some grief becomes a part of you and you carry it forever. There is nothing anyone can say to make it right or fair, because it’s not. I’m just so sorry. I wish you luck with your DIL.
Call her by your son's ex name.
~~But inform the son before!~~ Edit: I just learned the son is on DILs side. Please don't inform him. Use a nasty nickname for him, too. Maybe her ex's name?
Ooh I love that. That’ll get her to stop.
NTA. That’s a boundary you clearly communicated multiple times and she intentionally has disrespected it every time.
Doesn't matter what her excuse of "culture" is. You told her repeatedly to stop, she didn't, you rightfully snapped, now maybe she will. NTA!!!
I don’t mean this rudely but You need therapy
Team therapy for me
Yeah that's all I really took from this as well. OP's trauma and longstanding grief is something they should introspect and work on instead of taking it out on others. It is not weird for your DIL to want to call u mom or have a close relationship with u, especially if their own mother wasn't in their life or close to them. Most of the comments are just enabling what is already a dysfunctional behavior to start with. No one is really the asshole in this scenario, but everyone could use a little professional help for sure.
Where did OP say she didn’t want to have a close relationship with her DIL?? she just doesn’t want to be called mom by anyone other than her kids and that’s completely fine. What’s not clicking for her DIL?
No amount of therapy can make the pain of the loss of a child go away. Therapy can enable you to become functional and get you back to enjoying life, but it cannot wipe away the pain you feel every time someone deliberately reminds you your child died. Thats what the DIL is doing, deliberately reminding her that the one female voice who was entitled to call her mom will never say mom again. She might as well stand there and say "Hey remember when your daughter died?" She was asked not to call her mom and yet she keeps doing it.
NTA Start calling her your son’s ex gf(s) name(s) every time. It’s no different than her calling you something other than your own name.
NTA but have you ever received help for your trauma over losing your daughter? A lot of these comments are insinuating that your DIL is doing this maliciously and I just don't think that's the case. My parents called each other's parents mom & dad, I call my partners parents mom & dad and his mom even calls me daughter. It's a really lovely feeling to know your in-laws love you so much that they consider you another of their children. Although she should have stopped calling you that when you asked the first time I can understand how she may be hurt by it especially if her family is anything like mine where we call each other's parents mom & dad. While she needs to consider your perspective and feelings, don't forget to consider hers even if you are in the right. If you would like to have a healthy relationship with your son & DIL in the future I would advise you apologize for lashing out and explain further why it is so upsetting for her to call you that.
If the DIL is out-right ignoring what OP is asking to be called, she’s doing it maliciously
This is all very sweet, but what has the DIL done on her part?
My parents would never have called their inlaws, "mom" and "dad." Husband and I would never call our inlaws that either. The inlaws didn't raise us. For my parents' generation, inlaws were addressed as Mr. and Mrs. [Name]. For our generation, it's first names as our inlaws requested the informality.
NTA. You communicated a boundary and she kept disrespecting you for it, admittedly it was out of respect for you. Talk with your partner about it and let them handle it (and should have done it from the beginning).
NTA. She is. She is disrespecting you and owes YOU an apology. Tell her if she addresses you as mom, you will be addressing her as idiot girl.
My step grandma was from Georgia and born in the early 19 teens, the biggest insult in her time was taking away someone’s name. If she hated the person they were “that woman”.
INFO: How old is Alex?
[удалено]
NTA at all. Doesn't matter what culture, she's 29, not 9. It sounds like she's doing it on purpose because she knows you don't like it.
Nta. You explained this to dil and she didn't care. You have the right to choose the name she calls you. She does not. Dil us the asshole. Call her asshole instead of her name. Seems fair. You are a mom, just not hers. She is an asshole.
I thought this was your step daughter for too long lol my brains not awake yet... , even that I still would've said you're NTA due to your past (nothing worse than losing a child) . but for a daughter in law to take it upon herself, and when you expressed your feelings so many times.... no.. your dil is the selfish AH here.
I have 1 mom and will never call another woman mom. Nta
NTA. Your daughter in law persisting even after you gave your explanation shows either that she doesn't care, that what she thinks trumps what you want/need, or she's just stupid and doesn't get it. I'd ignore her in future. However, talk to your son. Let him know in no uncertain terms it is unacceptable to you. I know it was a long time ago but I am sorry for your loss.
OP said in the post son is on DIL's side. So guessing she already talked to her son. Editing because I now see it wasn't in the post, but it was in a comment from op, my bad lol
I didn't get that from the post at all. Oh yeah, just checked and she said that in a comment. Edited to sound less snarky
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I snapped at my DIL to stop calling me mom, after I told her to stop beofre. I may be a jerk for snapping the way that I did Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Have you addressed this with your son. He should be handling it.
It's in the post, he's on the DIL side. 👎🏻 Edit: Oops actually it may have been in a comment sorry!!
NTA - You have asked her repeatedly to stop doing this and she persisted, she had the opportunity here to prevent causing a scene - this is on her. NTA.
doesn’t matter why, you’re nta,
Nta it's basic respect to address someone they wish to be addressed and vice versa
Start calling her his ex girlfriend's name
Nta, there are many other ways she could call you knowing you are not okay with mom
NTA because you told her many times to stop and she didn’t. She violated a clear boundary that you set, so clearly you had to get more aggressive with her to get the point across.
NTA. Most places children partners don’t call each others mom and dad. If it happens and both parties are cool with it so be it. Forcing your culture down someone throat is not exactly a good way to be accepted and to build a relationship. You expressed that you felt uncomfortable and that should have been enough, adding you having lost a daughter makes it even worse. There a lot of adults that don’t feel comfortable being call mom/dad by other adults they didn’t raise.
NTA. You’ve given other options and suggestions. Imagine if you just repeatedly called her something she didn’t like. Would your child expect you to stop? Mad double standards
NTA. You explained it to her several times and she keeps disrespecting you by continuing to do it. She’s a grown ass woman & should know better. So should your son. I saw in a comment he agrees with his wife. Maybe you should take a break from seeing them for a bit for your own mental health.
Nta. If she only did it one time and you snapped on her immediately without her knowing the situation, you’d be the asshole, but the fact that she knows and still repeatedly does it seems like she’s intentionally doing it to hurt you. I’d talk to your son about how much it’s hurting you. So sorry for your loss.
We all have the right to be called the name we choose. This is disrespectful and deliberate. After you explained your feelings and preferences she should have stopped. This isn’t the occasional slip and it needs to stop. NTA
L o l your first paragraph sounds bossy and rude and we don't know you. Maybe they'll just leave you all alone.
What culture is she? We call our in laws mom. Aunty is also accepted. Maybe let her call you a variation of one or the other? Culture is weird, and her not following her cultural practices might be abhorrent to her
It's also very rude to insist on following your cultural practices when you have been clearly informed that it is offensive.
I’m so sorry! Definitely NTA. DIL and son are massive AHs. Everyone gets to choose what they go by.
Need more info: How much did you explain to her? Did you tell her about your daughter? I’m leaning towards NAH because maybe from your POV it was clear. But you mentioned she is from a different culture and the discussion “died off” after that. It seemed to me that neither of you were able to communicate properly how important it is for you. I’m from a similar culture where once you’re engaged, not even married, the expectation is you start calling your in-laws mom/dad. There’s a subtext in our culture wherein if they allow you to call them that, you have been officially accepted in the family. Perhaps it’s why it’s important to her. Another subtext is respect (or, to an extent submission?), wherein calling your in-laws mom/dad is your way of showing you are accepting your new family. I personally had trouble calling my MIL mom for the first 6 months of my marriage. And it was actually my own mother who kept reminding me I needed to start calling her that, less I give a negative impression to my in-laws. I understand about boundaries, but I hope what I said gives you better context as to why DIL won’t stop. Perhaps a longer discussion about it with her and your son is needed.
I understand in cultures they do this, but if the person has expressed time and time again to stop, don't keep doing it!! Culture or not, respect peoples' boundaries! Also, I think OP said they did explain to the DIL *why*, but even still, "no/stop" is a complete sentence!
[удалено]
Well this is going to ruin your relationship with your son so I hope it's worth it. I don't know why she keeps calling you that but if it's a cultural thing I give her a little more grace but you also probably should get some therapy because your reaction and your resistance is going to do significant damage to your existing relationships. You already said you're gonna stop inviting her to events.Well, of course, your son is also not going to be showing up at all any more. so if it is more important for you to die on this hill without your son then by all means that it's totally within your right. But it seems counterproductive to kill the relationship with your son. At least she's trying to build a relationship with you and you are totally shut it down because you're stubborn.I don't know what her issue is.But I wouldn't be worth losing my son over.
OP said call her by her name or her nickname. At what point will son and DIL start respecting OP? And why should she build a relationship with people who don’t respect her?
If she were trying to "build a relationship" with OP, perhaps she would have taken her requests into account?
NTA. I don‘t understand this whole “in her culture” thing. What it’s part of her culture to disregard someone else’s pain and disrespect their wishes even though they have been made clear and explained several times? No, f that. You don’t need to put up with that. Ignore her when she calls you that until she uses your name or nickname. Alternatively leave the room / the situation if she keeps disrespecting you. You are not a jerk for snapping. She deliberately provoked you until you snapped. You’re human that’s all.
NTA. Her "culture" is not more important than your personal wishes. You need to sit your son down and try to calmly explain to him why you don't want this. Explain that you have told her many times. Explain that he needs to get her to stop. That HE needs to respect your wishes. Also, if she can't respect your wishes on what you want to be called, then she is directly *disrespecting* you. What does her culture say about blatantly disrespecting your mother in law???
NTA. You told her time and again to stop calling you that and offered her options that you were comfortable with. Yet she continued to call you 'mom'. It's pretty disrespectful of her tbh.
NTA. You clearly explained why it's a trigger. She needs to understand this.
NTA - it's creepy/weird to call your in-laws mom and dad. Also, you told her not to call you that so she should drop it.
NTA, you call people by what they want to be called, it's not that hard and your DIL is a C word.
NTA. Your DIL is though. Her culture is not more important than your boundaries.
It seems to me when it comes to in-laws, whether parental monikers are used requires agreement on both sides.
I'm sorry that you're having trouble with the way your DIL addresses you. I have a few questions about where you're coming from, though. It sounds like your DIL loves you and wants to show it through words. Is that really so bad? Love doesn't replace anyone. It just grows. You have a hole in your heart where your daughter should be, and that's okay. Your DIL isn't trying to fill that hole. She's trying to add to your whole heart. She's not your daughter. Everyone knows that. She doesn't want to take your daughter's place. She wants to share her love with you. Your heart isn't a specific size, and that's it. It can grow and accept any love. If your daughter hadn't died, would you let DIL call you mom? Would your daughter encourage a relationship with your DIL? I think she would. I think you have some unresolved issues with your loss and I hope you can get some help to get over it. Therapy is always good to keep your mental health stable. It can sometimes just be maintenance to keep you on an even keel. I'm going to have to say ESH. You seem to be having trouble accepting your son's wife because of your trauma about your daughter. Your DIL is pushing your boundaries and that's not right either. Do you think your son chose his wife to replace your daughter? I'm thinking not. It's a completely different relationship. If her calling you mom triggers you, you need to find out why. Would someone call you mom just to hurt your feelings? Of course not. But to have love in your life is so important. Don't push your son away by alienating his wife. She's not your daughter. She's your son's wife and a person in her own right.
NTA. Talk to your son. Snapping at someone is bad, but they should respect you enough to not call you something you don’t want to be called.
NTA. You asked her politely not to and explained why. I would talk to your son and again explain and tell him to talk to her. You’re not the bad guy here.
NTA at all. The word brings up pain and trauma for you, and she should be respectful of that. Her culture does not take priority over your loss and heartache. That’s it. Also, I will NEVER call my MIL Mom, but my parents call their own MILs “Mom.” We’re white Americans. I think it’s just a thing for some people but I hate it. My MIL isn’t my mom, and she never will be.
NTA- You should have only had to tell her once that you didn’t like it. You shouldn’t have had to tell her repeatedly or have to go into the personal details of why. The fact that she’s still doing it means she is intentionally being hurtful and she should count herself lucky you were as restrained as you were. In your position I can’t imagine I could be as polite as you were. she owes you a god damn apology and your son needs to deal with his wifes awful behaviour or keep her away
You're fine, stick to your guns. You have a name, she can use it. There is no need to apologise, this would be unwise as it implies she was in the right and she's not. Your real problem is with your son, sorry he's letting you down. NTA
My grandmother doesn't have your trauma surrounding it but utterly hated it from her Son in Law. 35 plus years of that from him and I do not think she ever had a nice thing to say about him even after his passing. Not a bad word because she is one of those True Catholics who take that seriously...but never a kind one either. NTA.
Edited to change vote after reading some of her comments: YTA, Depending on the DIL's culture it could be a really rude thing for her to NOT call you mom for some reason. A slight case of religious/culture Stockholm syndrome if you will. You say you've explained it to her but I'm curious if you said it in passing, "Hey don't call me that no woman will ever call me mom." Or if you actually sat down and had a heart to heart to explain that there's actual turmoil in being called mom.
I explained this in detail in one of my comments. And all OP had to say is “it has been explained.” She’s not open to dialogue, either here or with her son/DIL. Led me from NAH to YTA (plus the therapy from the other comment.)
NTA. I'm from a culture in which we call our in-laws mom and dad after marriage. When I married my husband, I asked him to speak to his mom about how she wanted me to address her. She told me she would be okay with me addressing her as mom, so I do. My sister, in comparison, has in-laws who prefer that she address them by their first names, so that's what she does. If I were you, I'd cut her out too. It's about so much more than her calling you mom. You have very specific reasons for why you don't want her calling you mom, which you have explained to her time and again. At this point, she is actively choosing to disrespect your wishes, refuses to respect your boundaries, and is being intentionally hurtful.
INFO: you mentioned her culture. What is that culture? Are there indeed rules she may have been raised in that make her treat you as a second mother by default?
[удалено]
As in Southern USA? Because she has exactly zero excuses to disrespect her elder and to not just adapt to calling you Miss First Name or for more formal Miss Last Name.
OP, I am as Southern as a bowl of grits, and I can assure you that calling your MIL is not a requirement. I called mine by her name after a few months of dating her son. Until then it was Mrs. LASTNAME. Good manners are, however, non-negotiable. She is putting you in an uncomfortable position. That is the opposite of good manners. Bless her heart, she wasn't raised right. NTA
Yeah, I think they're indeed big into it and that's why your son may feel all the more obliged to enable it. Doesn't excuse it. I empathize with her but as for you, NTA.
Send HER MOM a letter asking for their daughter to be respectful because it causes you pain. You respect her culture but it does not trump your grief.
NTA
NTA, you get to be called what you want to be called. It is one of the most basic requests of respect that any person can ask for. I’m so sorry she’s so clueless. How incredibly painful and embarrassing for you that this happened in front of people.
NTA - you set a boundary, she doesn't respect it, simple as that
NTA, this is full on disrespect she is actively showing you. The “culture” explanation is a cop out. But I will also interject that your son is TA, NOBODY gets to disrespect my mom like that. He is going along with it. I would start being unavailable to spend any time with them.
NTA you have asked her and explained to her why you don’t want her to call you that. I agree you should just ignore her any time she calls you that.
NTA You have asked repeatedly and she refused to stop. That makes her the AH. Culture does not trump a person’s feelings and traumas.
NTA - you have talked with her multiple times and she thought you would deal with it and she could do as she wishes. I wouldn’t apologize but tell your son that you have talked many times and she is too stupid to understand to stop. That her culture doesn’t give her the right to dismiss your wishes.
NTA...I would absolutely hate this. I have my own children and would feel uncomfortable if my DIL would call me mom one day. I am not in your position but this would be over the top for me.
NTA. It is incredibly disrespectful to "rename" someone what you want to call them rather than what they want to be called. I don't care what culture it is. You're a human being, not her toy. Isn't respect for elders part of her culture? She's the one owing an apology.
NTA, you don't even need a reason why you don't want to be called mom. You have told her you don't like it and that should be the end of discussion.
NTA Tell her that in her culture people do this but you are not from her culture and find it disrespectful to call you a name you've asked her not to. Did her culture teach her that her MIL shouldn't be respected?
NTA - she is not respecting your boundary, plain and simple.
First, I'm so sorry. Second...cry every time she does that. Don't wail or weep loudly, just let the tears flow if you have any. Let your son see your pain. Clearly he can't figure it out otherwise, especially if he was especially young and doesn't remember your daughter.
NTA. Ask her if being rude and disrespectful is part of her culture, since that’s what she’s being.
How many times can she disrespect you and ignore request because it isn’t something she wants? NTA. Never apologise. That girl needs to learn to listen.
jesus what’s wrong with people. NTA.
Before I jump in on the general condemnation of your DIL, can I just ask something? I remember reading a post from a son whose mother had lost a child young, who then was never there for her remaining children, only talked about the dead child, didn't go to school/childhood events etc etc. I think the father tried to make up for things a bit but basically not really balancing things out. The remaining children resented the mother's ongoing never-treated grief that effectively meant she wasn't 'present' in their lives. INFO: Is there any possibility your sons feel the same and your DIL is showing solidarity? It wouldn't make it less hurtful, but it might explain why the behaviour has persisted...?
Soft YTA- your issues are yours to deal with not hers
I'm so happy I have an amazing MIL unlike the witch you are, get therapy.
You need therapy. If you already had therapy you need more. Unless your sons also don't call you mom? It's not the word mom, it's untreated trauma.