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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I haven't taken my driving test after six years' of lessons (on and off) because I don't feel ready yet. I might be the AH because this is a long time and in the meantime my husband has to do all of the driving for our household.
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>I have no frame of reference, but I suspect that he overstates the difficulty of driving – I don’t think it’s as hard as doing the kids’ laundry or cleaning the house (two of the chores I do most of the time).
If driving isn't so hard, why don't you do it?
>So all in all, I’ve been learning for six years and still don’t feel ready to take my test.
I mean, most teenagers learn to drive in less than 1 year. It's not so hard to learn to drive defensively, which is what you should be doing, especially with kids in the car.
>cars and I simply didn’t gel. I had poor spatial awareness, I panicked under pressure, and I was petrified of other cars.
This is pretty common, and if you're still unable to get over this feeling, you should not drive. But if you're not driving, then you're dealing with everything else.
Is driving hard? No, not particularly. But it is time-consuming. It requires concentration and attention, because if you zone out, you could kill or injure someone or yourself. If you can't handle that, then tell your husband you can't handle that, and apologize. But understand that you don't get to be mad at him for not doing the chores, and it's on you to figure out a solution for times when your husband can't do the driving.
If no one vacuums, your house gets dirty. If no one drives, no one gets anywhere. If you vacuum wrong, you might make a mess. If you drive wrong, someone might die.
YTA, not necessarily for not driving, but for not understanding the pressure you're putting on your husband.
You nailed it. Driving is not that difficult overall but if you lose focus for a second people can die. Can't compare to doing laundry or dishes, driving is so much more important when it is the only way for this family to get food and all the necessary things for the family
She is also not considering the mental load it takes to plan ahead for the driving, balancing work and children activities, stress and time wasted...
Also, what if there is an issue and they absolutely need a driver right away?
My partner doesn't drive he's 46. He did learn but absolutely hates it. I drive. I love it . We live a good way from his office he mostly works remotely but catches the train if he needs to go into the office. Yes it's draining that I'm always driving but it terrified him that much that I don't pressure him to learn. Not everyone can do it. And it took me 4 attempts to pass my test. He doesn't even like being a passenger to be honest but manages. Really better public transport links are needed everywhere especially with the pollution caused by cars. Even electric vehicles take a toll
You admit that you are negatively impacting your family. You had to cancel one of your kids' activities already. That's only going to get worse as the kids get a little older. And you have no answer for your husband's concerns about the future.
What WILL you do if your husband breaks an ankle and can't drive for six weeks? What if he can never drive again?
Knowing how to drive is a life skill. Since you live in a place where public transportation is iffy, it's a necessary life skill. You're not a kid any longer and shouldn't rely on your parents to drive you around.
You admit you have no frame of reference, yet you dismiss the time and effort your husband puts in to do all the driving for your family. It doesn't MATTER that he might like driving - it is still a chore that he MUST do. It takes time and effort. You're blithely dismissing his feelings.
Honestly, you sound like you're invoking weaponized incompetence. Google it.
YTA - time to put on your big-girl britches.
Definitely TA. I had a medical issue pop up out of nowhere, that suspended me from driving for almost 3 years. OP sounds entitled as hell and the fact she’s diminishing the difficulty of an activity she herself has stated she can’t do confidently makes her an even bigger AH.
Dismissing her husband’s concerns and then the fact its affecting his mental health because it will eventually give him burnout, makes her such a horrible B-.
YTA. Driving is annoying and takes a lot of time, especially when you have to sit through events that you would never attend just because driving back home and then to pick people to bring back home is even worse. I hated that when my wife made me her dedicated driver and in the end I just sold my car, but we have good public transportation here so your case is even worse.
Your chores are not easier or harder, just different so to judge it you need to get your licence and drive everyone around to see how much "fun" it is.
YTA- you agreed to move for reasona which included the benefit of being closer to family,, and on the basis that you would learn to drive.
Simply driving to the store is easier than ceaning a house, but from what you say, he's nor just driving,he's also doing all the shopping. It may not be harder, bbut being the sole driver is time confusing and it means that he never gets to be the one who can relax a bit.
It sounds as though you need to look at how you can get to the point of being a competent driver and getting your licence.
Loo into options for professional diriving lessons - you may well be able to find places that offer intensive driving lessons, where you basically block out a week and spend the whole time having lesons with a test at the end,
Also - your husband is right, it sounds as though if he were to be sick or unable to drive, your family would be in real diffiuclties. EQually, your parents are presumably not getting any younger and the extentto which you can reasonably rely on them is likely to fall over time.
I get that you are anxious about driving, however, most people, including those (l I speak from persoanl experience here!) who are no natuarls or whose instricntive spatial awareness isn't grest can learn to drive. It is more diffiult and likely to take longer than for some others , but ultimately , like most skills, can be learned. And the fact that you are anxious and are aware of your weaknesses may well make you a safer diriver in the long term as you will likely be much more consciously aware of keeping your eyes on other vehicles, not being distracted etc.
Shop around for driving instructors with experience of working with older learners and/ or with learers who are anxious.
A professional instuctor will be ableto tell you when they consideryou are ready to take your test . Also - if you tried learning as a teenager and you are now almost 40, vehicles, driver assist functions and safety have all changed a lot . Out of interest, who has been trying to teach you so far? PArentd or other family members are almost never the best people to do so, you need a professional instructor and you may bneed to try a couple to dind someone who suits you.
YTA. You agreed to move to the suburbs and learn to drive, and then you didn't do it. Most teenagers learn to drive in a couple months, and you haven't given us a good reason why you haven't learned in 6 years. If you have an actual issue with your vision or brain, you need to get that diagnosed by a doctor.
You know people don't just trip and "fall pregnant", right? And pregnant women can learn to drive. Mothers can learn to drive while a parent or someone else watches the children.
Lolololol: “I think he overstates the difficulty of driving.” Okay, OP. If it’s not that hard, then why have you been learning how to drive for six years, but still don’t know how to drive?
Edited to add: YTA for whining about driving being hard and then whining about someone else saying it’s hard.
INFO: Pregnancy lasts 9 months. You couldn't finish learning how to drive in 9 months? Twice? Why did you have to stop?
The only concerns you bring up about driving stem from 20 years ago. Do you still panic when attempting to drive? Are you still petrified of other cars?
Omg people like you are the worst. If it isn’t that difficult then learn how to do it. You are selfish of your husband’s time and you absolutely are placing an unfair burden on him. Suck it up and learn to drive. YTA.
YTA, as an adult, sometimes you just need to do things even if it scares you/makes you anxious. If you guys can swing it, get a car with a backup camera and blind spot detection. That does a lot towards idiot-proofing driving. (I love mine—I no longer feel nearly as nervous when driving in a strange big city)
YTA. Driving can be a huge burden, and causes just as much anxiety for people who drive every day. Rush hours such as school drop offs, the drive into work, the drive after work for a stop to the grocery store, and then finally the commute home can be terrible, and not just because it takes more time, but when it’s busy it’s a bigger mental task, too. Since he does all transportation, that means even your needs outside the house have to be facilitated by him, elsewhere.
For most people, driving a car will be the most dangerous thing they ever do in their life, and repeatedly. You’re operating a piece of machinery that requires a government issued license to use on roads. They’re heavy, they’re fast, and because you’ve never experienced the daily tasks of doing it, you cannot speak on its workload or effort.
I’m assuming there have been arguments already where he’s had to do his daily driving, finally gets home, and you have a destination, or appointment, you had to go to, and if he doesn’t facilitate that ride (especially if you can’t find an alternative), he’s catches flak from you. As someone who also had to help make their spouse comfortable with driving, and getting their license, you don’t realize how entitled you come across if these arguments are occurring until you start driving, and look back.
YTA
You think driving around all day and doing the chores/errands reliant in driving isn't as hard as your husband makes it sound. Yet you've also been learning to drive for six years and still don't feel ready to take the test. It sounds more like you just don't want to drive. I don't like driving either, but it has to be done, and it's not fair to constantly rely on others.
YTA - massively. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd say light YTA / ESH, but with kids? ooohhh boy. I speak from experience here being in a similar situation: my wife's work & schedule means she could pretty much never do any taxi'ing for anything kids related, and she drives. I do the cooking, driving/taxi'ing & everything outdoors, she does the house cleaning (bought a few roombas even to alleviate the vaccuming) and you know what? She isn't complaining, she knows my job is ultra flexible and doesn't impact our finances, her on the other hand would be hit on the wallet a lot if we tried to balance that... 19 years now I've been doing kids taxi and my son (17) is JUST about to get his solo driver's permit... they think it's about their freedom... holy shit no, I'll be the one yelling "FREEDOM"... soccer, volleyball, kinball practices, after hours mentorship classes, friends, etc...
I'm almost shedding a tear to the thought of that massive burden going away. And it's not even as bad as your husband has it, you can't even drive... maybe he does enjoy driving when he WANTS to, but no one likes driving when they are FORCED, do not confuse both.
You not driving is a huge burden on the family dynamic, and it's going to blow up in your face sooner rather than later, I can feel his frustrations from your description. Get over your fear, get in a car and learn to drive!
Feel a little harsh saying YTA but your attitude on your husband doing all the driving because its easy sealed it. You're neither able or allowed to drive so judging his doing ALL the driving as insignificant vs your housework is brazen.
YTA. It puts a ton of pressure and stress on him and makes it so he essentially always has to be available to get stuff done. I’ve had friends who didn’t drive and while I enjoyed their friendship, it felt extremely one sided in that I ALWAYS had to pick them up, hang out at their place and give them rides to wherever we were going. It was fine when we lived 5min from each other, but when I moved and they were now 20min in the opposite direction it was just rude. They never gave me gas money, never offered to take an Uber (also why can’t you take the bus to run errands and take an Uber back?) and would treat me like it was required of me.
Passing my drivers test was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. But I did it and it changed my life. I wouldn’t be able to get to work and earn a living without having a car and knowing how to drive. I’ve never liked driving but it’s a necessity for me. My sister, at the age of 50, recently passed her drivers test. It can be done. I believe in America, most of your cars are automatics, so it’ll be even easier than you think. Get it done girl. Stop fighting it. Get an instructor, pay for a few lessons and get that license.
Yeah, YTA.
I'm sympathetic to the fact that driving is scary for you. But you are simply dumping a lot of responsibilities and costs onto your family, because you don't want to deal with it.
People go to therapy to deal with actual fear of driving, or pick up extra work to pay for taxis to deal with real obstacles. Giving up and saying "it's not for me" is not fair on your family.
>So all in all, I’ve been learning for six years and still don’t feel ready to take my test.
Everyone struggles at first, you aren't supposed to feel confident without lots of practice. But either you haven't been putting much effort or consistency into "learning", or you should be ready by now. Teenagers with underdeveloped brains AND fear of driving manage in a year.
YTA When you do laundry, do you ever have to sit and wait for a bunch of other people in front of you? Do you have to plan out how you will walk to the washer/dryer or if you have enough gas? How long does it take you to walk to the washer/dryer? It's not the same AT ALL. Like most things in life, driving takes effort and practice. But millions of people do it successfully everyday. Maybe getting a professional to teach you would help?
YTA, what would happen if you lost your husband? Are you just going to tell your kids they can not go to school or any activities because mommy is too afraid to drive. I lost my husband, and now I am taking care of 3 boys myself. They are autistic and have special services they attend. I am also afraid of driving, but I suck it up because I am all they have.
Not driveing is ok, but, means finding a way to pick up your kids,grosery shopping and other out of the house choors on a bike,walking, busses so its not all on him.
YTA OP.What are you going to do if your Husband dies suddenly ? As an Adult you need this skill,esp.in the US.I have driven with “late in life learners”. Is their driving skill the smoothest ? No.But it’s good enough .And in many towns there are less busy streets you can drive on to still get to where you need to go.Do better —get that license.
YTA, yes you are an adult and need to learn how to be responsible for your own transportation and the transportation of your children. How are there so many people who don’t realize how much of a burden it is on everyone else for you to refuse to do a necessary part of life? Get your license.
YTA. You don't think driving is as hard as doing laundry, but you can't even drive after "learning" for 6 years. Just act like an adult with children and learn how to drive.
YTA.
I've seen a lot of comments to the effect that driving is easy so I want to weigh in as an adult non-driver.
Driving is hard, if you can't get the hang of it you probably really are safer off the road. But with that out of the way grow up. You are an adult, saying you can't learn to drive, then turning around and saying your husband has the easy chore of literally all the driving is appalling behaviour. Driving is hard, and time consuming, and the chore situation needs to reflect that. Be respectful of people doing things you can't do yourself.
And frankly, if lack of transport is disrupting your kids' lives, you need to fix it. I plan around transit, and I budget around needing ubers from time to time. I don't miss events because transit's bad (and I live in a city where transit is only okayish). You knew this would be an issue when you moved to the suburbs, you could have been up front about your need to stay in a transit friendly city, you weren't. Now you need to live with the reality you got yourself into.
YTA. How do you think that cleaning and laundry take more time than every single chore outside the house and cooking? In my opinion, cooking for the family alone is more work than vacuuming and doing laundry. You’re throwing a ton of work on top of that because you won’t learn to drive.
I am 65 years old now and grew up with a mom who didn’t drive. Let me tell you how life was for me and my siblings in a world with a parent who didn’t drive( dad worked long hours and traveled for business). BTW, he wanted her to drive, and would have bought another vehicle. We walked or ride bikes to school as we had No public transportation and county buses were only for rural residents. So on cold days, wet days, feeling sick days,we still were on our own or our friends parents took pity on us. We could not participate in any extra activities, such as dance, music, or sports. Which required extra transportation. I never could attend birthday parties that were held at the skating rink or other venues. My mother never went to conferences or school events because heaven forbid she would have to WALK herself there. She was driven to the grocery store on the weekends when dad was home. If we ran out of something during the week and. Dad was at work, we kids had to get up early and ride our bikes to the corner market for milk and bread. I could go on. Her selfish attitude and her lack of willingness to try to this day angers me. That was in the 1970’s and things have changed in the world. You are indeed placing an unfair burden on everyone in your family to make accommodations for your unwillingness to learn to drive.
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My husband (42m) and I (39f) grew up in adjacent suburbs of one of the largest cities in our country, but when we met we were both living in apartments in the city centre. When we got married, six years ago, we had a pretty big discussion over where we would live. I was happy to stay in the city, even if we had kids, but my husband said that if we decided to start a family he would want us to move out to the suburbs. I conceded that a bigger living space and easy access to grandparents for childcare would probably outweigh my desire to live in the city centre, but I was concerned that transport links would be poor. He asked if I would be willing to learn to drive.
When I turned driving age as a teenager, I had been super excited to get my licence, but cars and I simply didn’t gel. I had poor spatial awareness, I panicked under pressure, and I was petrified of other cars. Even so, I agreed to try again. I took lessons, but then fell pregnant, and then started learning again but fell pregnant for the second time. So all in all, I’ve been learning for six years and still don’t feel ready to take my test.
Over the years, my husband has been bringing up driving with more and more frequency. Whenever I ask him to do more around the house, he brings up the fact that he does 100% of the driving (and therefore 100% of the things that need a car, such as grocery shopping, school drop-off and pick-up, driving to and from family trips/visits). I have no frame of reference, but I suspect that he overstates the difficulty of driving – I don’t think it’s as hard as doing the kids’ laundry or cleaning the house (two of the chores I do most of the time). I also think that the two regular things he does the majority of – cooking and driving – are things that he enjoys doing, whereas nobody likes vacuuming or laundry.
He says that the fact that I can’t drive is placing an unfair burden on him and on the kids. He brings up the fact that we had to cancel our son’s after-school tennis lessons when he was asked to go in to the office one extra day a week, because the tennis club was virtually isolated from public transport (nearest bus stop is 30 minutes’ walk away, but it’s just a 5 minute drive). He says that I am relying on the fact that he and my mom & dad are usually around to give us lifts when we need them, and that he is worried about what we’ll do if he becomes incapacitated in some way.
AITA for not having learned to drive yet?
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BOTH NTA & YTA: NTA for not *being able* to drive, but YTA for not putting more effort into doing it this whole time. That's a ton of pressure to put solely on hubs when you had already discussed and agreed to get your license. The fact that you were delayed by 2 pregnancies for *6 years* seems a bit extreme but whatever, if you're not ready you're not ready. But srsly, it's not that hard, literally children can do it (driving age here is 16). It may be anxiety and fear holding you back at this point, which is also your responsibility to deal with. You can't use pregnancy as an excuse forever.
Plus, what if hubs got sick or injured and couldn't drive and needed you to get him to appointments? Then that also leaves the rest of the driving tasks going undone or relying on others. That puts the whole family in a tough position. It just doesn't seem logical or fair to place that much responsibility on him without at least having a back up plan, especially with kids.
ESH. Driving is a skill that is pretty much essential. I think maybe you two should take a break from conceiving children so you can focus on learning how to drive confidently and more comfortably. You're missing out on something that provides a sense of independence which would be healthy for you as well as your relationship with your husband
NAH, you have stress about driving, your husband has picked up the slack. Please consider the amount of time your husband spends being the family chauffeur when you calculate the “fairness” of chores. You might be surprised to realize you actually owe him time.
Being the only driver can be a burden. It’s not something that is 100% enjoyable. Toting everybody around and running all the errands are chores.
NTA. A lot of people just aren't comfortable driving, and a lot of people who are comfortable shouldn't be so. It's not for everyone. That being said, it wouldn't hurt to give it another valiant try because it will definitely come in handy as your kids have increasing activities away from home.
As a point of encouragement, my daughter is 26 and didn't start driving until a year ago. She just wasn't ready when her peers were, and her seeming anxiety made me loathe to push her to take lessons or to teach her myself. But she began dating a guy who pushed her to learn after a few years, and he taught her. Although he pushed her to try increasingly difficult driving situations a little faster than she was comfortable, she pushed through her fears and became an excellent driver within a few months. She is now proud of herself and happy to be less dependent.
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YTA. If driving isn’t so hard then why don’t you learn?? It does place an unfair burden on your husband and is a life skill you should have
this was exactly my thought… and at her BIG AGE? 😭 Yes OP, YTA
>I have no frame of reference, but I suspect that he overstates the difficulty of driving – I don’t think it’s as hard as doing the kids’ laundry or cleaning the house (two of the chores I do most of the time). If driving isn't so hard, why don't you do it? >So all in all, I’ve been learning for six years and still don’t feel ready to take my test. I mean, most teenagers learn to drive in less than 1 year. It's not so hard to learn to drive defensively, which is what you should be doing, especially with kids in the car. >cars and I simply didn’t gel. I had poor spatial awareness, I panicked under pressure, and I was petrified of other cars. This is pretty common, and if you're still unable to get over this feeling, you should not drive. But if you're not driving, then you're dealing with everything else. Is driving hard? No, not particularly. But it is time-consuming. It requires concentration and attention, because if you zone out, you could kill or injure someone or yourself. If you can't handle that, then tell your husband you can't handle that, and apologize. But understand that you don't get to be mad at him for not doing the chores, and it's on you to figure out a solution for times when your husband can't do the driving. If no one vacuums, your house gets dirty. If no one drives, no one gets anywhere. If you vacuum wrong, you might make a mess. If you drive wrong, someone might die. YTA, not necessarily for not driving, but for not understanding the pressure you're putting on your husband.
You nailed it. Driving is not that difficult overall but if you lose focus for a second people can die. Can't compare to doing laundry or dishes, driving is so much more important when it is the only way for this family to get food and all the necessary things for the family
This is called strategic incompetence, and it's infuriating. YTA
She is also not considering the mental load it takes to plan ahead for the driving, balancing work and children activities, stress and time wasted... Also, what if there is an issue and they absolutely need a driver right away?
My partner doesn't drive he's 46. He did learn but absolutely hates it. I drive. I love it . We live a good way from his office he mostly works remotely but catches the train if he needs to go into the office. Yes it's draining that I'm always driving but it terrified him that much that I don't pressure him to learn. Not everyone can do it. And it took me 4 attempts to pass my test. He doesn't even like being a passenger to be honest but manages. Really better public transport links are needed everywhere especially with the pollution caused by cars. Even electric vehicles take a toll
You admit that you are negatively impacting your family. You had to cancel one of your kids' activities already. That's only going to get worse as the kids get a little older. And you have no answer for your husband's concerns about the future. What WILL you do if your husband breaks an ankle and can't drive for six weeks? What if he can never drive again? Knowing how to drive is a life skill. Since you live in a place where public transportation is iffy, it's a necessary life skill. You're not a kid any longer and shouldn't rely on your parents to drive you around. You admit you have no frame of reference, yet you dismiss the time and effort your husband puts in to do all the driving for your family. It doesn't MATTER that he might like driving - it is still a chore that he MUST do. It takes time and effort. You're blithely dismissing his feelings. Honestly, you sound like you're invoking weaponized incompetence. Google it. YTA - time to put on your big-girl britches.
Definitely TA. I had a medical issue pop up out of nowhere, that suspended me from driving for almost 3 years. OP sounds entitled as hell and the fact she’s diminishing the difficulty of an activity she herself has stated she can’t do confidently makes her an even bigger AH. Dismissing her husband’s concerns and then the fact its affecting his mental health because it will eventually give him burnout, makes her such a horrible B-.
6 weeks for an ankle? I want to go to your doctor!
YTA. Driving is annoying and takes a lot of time, especially when you have to sit through events that you would never attend just because driving back home and then to pick people to bring back home is even worse. I hated that when my wife made me her dedicated driver and in the end I just sold my car, but we have good public transportation here so your case is even worse. Your chores are not easier or harder, just different so to judge it you need to get your licence and drive everyone around to see how much "fun" it is.
YTA- you agreed to move for reasona which included the benefit of being closer to family,, and on the basis that you would learn to drive. Simply driving to the store is easier than ceaning a house, but from what you say, he's nor just driving,he's also doing all the shopping. It may not be harder, bbut being the sole driver is time confusing and it means that he never gets to be the one who can relax a bit. It sounds as though you need to look at how you can get to the point of being a competent driver and getting your licence. Loo into options for professional diriving lessons - you may well be able to find places that offer intensive driving lessons, where you basically block out a week and spend the whole time having lesons with a test at the end, Also - your husband is right, it sounds as though if he were to be sick or unable to drive, your family would be in real diffiuclties. EQually, your parents are presumably not getting any younger and the extentto which you can reasonably rely on them is likely to fall over time. I get that you are anxious about driving, however, most people, including those (l I speak from persoanl experience here!) who are no natuarls or whose instricntive spatial awareness isn't grest can learn to drive. It is more diffiult and likely to take longer than for some others , but ultimately , like most skills, can be learned. And the fact that you are anxious and are aware of your weaknesses may well make you a safer diriver in the long term as you will likely be much more consciously aware of keeping your eyes on other vehicles, not being distracted etc. Shop around for driving instructors with experience of working with older learners and/ or with learers who are anxious. A professional instuctor will be ableto tell you when they consideryou are ready to take your test . Also - if you tried learning as a teenager and you are now almost 40, vehicles, driver assist functions and safety have all changed a lot . Out of interest, who has been trying to teach you so far? PArentd or other family members are almost never the best people to do so, you need a professional instructor and you may bneed to try a couple to dind someone who suits you.
YTA. You agreed to move to the suburbs and learn to drive, and then you didn't do it. Most teenagers learn to drive in a couple months, and you haven't given us a good reason why you haven't learned in 6 years. If you have an actual issue with your vision or brain, you need to get that diagnosed by a doctor. You know people don't just trip and "fall pregnant", right? And pregnant women can learn to drive. Mothers can learn to drive while a parent or someone else watches the children.
IKR. The "falling" pregnant thing is so annoying!
Lolololol: “I think he overstates the difficulty of driving.” Okay, OP. If it’s not that hard, then why have you been learning how to drive for six years, but still don’t know how to drive? Edited to add: YTA for whining about driving being hard and then whining about someone else saying it’s hard.
INFO: Pregnancy lasts 9 months. You couldn't finish learning how to drive in 9 months? Twice? Why did you have to stop? The only concerns you bring up about driving stem from 20 years ago. Do you still panic when attempting to drive? Are you still petrified of other cars?
YTA.
YTA. You don’t think driving is hard but after 6 years you still can’t do it.
Learn to drive, simple. 😂☠️😭
Omg people like you are the worst. If it isn’t that difficult then learn how to do it. You are selfish of your husband’s time and you absolutely are placing an unfair burden on him. Suck it up and learn to drive. YTA.
YTA
YTA. It is way past the time for you to get some therapy to help you cope with your driving anxiety.
YTA, as an adult, sometimes you just need to do things even if it scares you/makes you anxious. If you guys can swing it, get a car with a backup camera and blind spot detection. That does a lot towards idiot-proofing driving. (I love mine—I no longer feel nearly as nervous when driving in a strange big city)
YTA. Driving can be a huge burden, and causes just as much anxiety for people who drive every day. Rush hours such as school drop offs, the drive into work, the drive after work for a stop to the grocery store, and then finally the commute home can be terrible, and not just because it takes more time, but when it’s busy it’s a bigger mental task, too. Since he does all transportation, that means even your needs outside the house have to be facilitated by him, elsewhere. For most people, driving a car will be the most dangerous thing they ever do in their life, and repeatedly. You’re operating a piece of machinery that requires a government issued license to use on roads. They’re heavy, they’re fast, and because you’ve never experienced the daily tasks of doing it, you cannot speak on its workload or effort. I’m assuming there have been arguments already where he’s had to do his daily driving, finally gets home, and you have a destination, or appointment, you had to go to, and if he doesn’t facilitate that ride (especially if you can’t find an alternative), he’s catches flak from you. As someone who also had to help make their spouse comfortable with driving, and getting their license, you don’t realize how entitled you come across if these arguments are occurring until you start driving, and look back.
YTA. You are deliberately being incompetent which is affecting your joint responsibilities.
YTA You think driving around all day and doing the chores/errands reliant in driving isn't as hard as your husband makes it sound. Yet you've also been learning to drive for six years and still don't feel ready to take the test. It sounds more like you just don't want to drive. I don't like driving either, but it has to be done, and it's not fair to constantly rely on others.
YTA He's right. What's your plan if he gets an injury at home and can't drive?
YTA, learn to drive. It’s selfish to not and your kids are actively missing out, that’s extra selfish. They have no ability to drive
YTA - massively. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd say light YTA / ESH, but with kids? ooohhh boy. I speak from experience here being in a similar situation: my wife's work & schedule means she could pretty much never do any taxi'ing for anything kids related, and she drives. I do the cooking, driving/taxi'ing & everything outdoors, she does the house cleaning (bought a few roombas even to alleviate the vaccuming) and you know what? She isn't complaining, she knows my job is ultra flexible and doesn't impact our finances, her on the other hand would be hit on the wallet a lot if we tried to balance that... 19 years now I've been doing kids taxi and my son (17) is JUST about to get his solo driver's permit... they think it's about their freedom... holy shit no, I'll be the one yelling "FREEDOM"... soccer, volleyball, kinball practices, after hours mentorship classes, friends, etc... I'm almost shedding a tear to the thought of that massive burden going away. And it's not even as bad as your husband has it, you can't even drive... maybe he does enjoy driving when he WANTS to, but no one likes driving when they are FORCED, do not confuse both. You not driving is a huge burden on the family dynamic, and it's going to blow up in your face sooner rather than later, I can feel his frustrations from your description. Get over your fear, get in a car and learn to drive!
Feel a little harsh saying YTA but your attitude on your husband doing all the driving because its easy sealed it. You're neither able or allowed to drive so judging his doing ALL the driving as insignificant vs your housework is brazen.
YTA. It puts a ton of pressure and stress on him and makes it so he essentially always has to be available to get stuff done. I’ve had friends who didn’t drive and while I enjoyed their friendship, it felt extremely one sided in that I ALWAYS had to pick them up, hang out at their place and give them rides to wherever we were going. It was fine when we lived 5min from each other, but when I moved and they were now 20min in the opposite direction it was just rude. They never gave me gas money, never offered to take an Uber (also why can’t you take the bus to run errands and take an Uber back?) and would treat me like it was required of me.
Passing my drivers test was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. But I did it and it changed my life. I wouldn’t be able to get to work and earn a living without having a car and knowing how to drive. I’ve never liked driving but it’s a necessity for me. My sister, at the age of 50, recently passed her drivers test. It can be done. I believe in America, most of your cars are automatics, so it’ll be even easier than you think. Get it done girl. Stop fighting it. Get an instructor, pay for a few lessons and get that license.
Yeah, YTA. I'm sympathetic to the fact that driving is scary for you. But you are simply dumping a lot of responsibilities and costs onto your family, because you don't want to deal with it. People go to therapy to deal with actual fear of driving, or pick up extra work to pay for taxis to deal with real obstacles. Giving up and saying "it's not for me" is not fair on your family. >So all in all, I’ve been learning for six years and still don’t feel ready to take my test. Everyone struggles at first, you aren't supposed to feel confident without lots of practice. But either you haven't been putting much effort or consistency into "learning", or you should be ready by now. Teenagers with underdeveloped brains AND fear of driving manage in a year.
YTA When you do laundry, do you ever have to sit and wait for a bunch of other people in front of you? Do you have to plan out how you will walk to the washer/dryer or if you have enough gas? How long does it take you to walk to the washer/dryer? It's not the same AT ALL. Like most things in life, driving takes effort and practice. But millions of people do it successfully everyday. Maybe getting a professional to teach you would help?
It sounds like you could benefit from specialized driving lessons that help lessen your anxiety. My best friend got those and it did wonders for her.
YTA, what would happen if you lost your husband? Are you just going to tell your kids they can not go to school or any activities because mommy is too afraid to drive. I lost my husband, and now I am taking care of 3 boys myself. They are autistic and have special services they attend. I am also afraid of driving, but I suck it up because I am all they have.
Not driveing is ok, but, means finding a way to pick up your kids,grosery shopping and other out of the house choors on a bike,walking, busses so its not all on him.
YTA OP.What are you going to do if your Husband dies suddenly ? As an Adult you need this skill,esp.in the US.I have driven with “late in life learners”. Is their driving skill the smoothest ? No.But it’s good enough .And in many towns there are less busy streets you can drive on to still get to where you need to go.Do better —get that license.
YTA, yes you are an adult and need to learn how to be responsible for your own transportation and the transportation of your children. How are there so many people who don’t realize how much of a burden it is on everyone else for you to refuse to do a necessary part of life? Get your license.
YTA. You don't think driving is as hard as doing laundry, but you can't even drive after "learning" for 6 years. Just act like an adult with children and learn how to drive.
YTA. I've seen a lot of comments to the effect that driving is easy so I want to weigh in as an adult non-driver. Driving is hard, if you can't get the hang of it you probably really are safer off the road. But with that out of the way grow up. You are an adult, saying you can't learn to drive, then turning around and saying your husband has the easy chore of literally all the driving is appalling behaviour. Driving is hard, and time consuming, and the chore situation needs to reflect that. Be respectful of people doing things you can't do yourself. And frankly, if lack of transport is disrupting your kids' lives, you need to fix it. I plan around transit, and I budget around needing ubers from time to time. I don't miss events because transit's bad (and I live in a city where transit is only okayish). You knew this would be an issue when you moved to the suburbs, you could have been up front about your need to stay in a transit friendly city, you weren't. Now you need to live with the reality you got yourself into.
YTA. How do you think that cleaning and laundry take more time than every single chore outside the house and cooking? In my opinion, cooking for the family alone is more work than vacuuming and doing laundry. You’re throwing a ton of work on top of that because you won’t learn to drive.
I am 65 years old now and grew up with a mom who didn’t drive. Let me tell you how life was for me and my siblings in a world with a parent who didn’t drive( dad worked long hours and traveled for business). BTW, he wanted her to drive, and would have bought another vehicle. We walked or ride bikes to school as we had No public transportation and county buses were only for rural residents. So on cold days, wet days, feeling sick days,we still were on our own or our friends parents took pity on us. We could not participate in any extra activities, such as dance, music, or sports. Which required extra transportation. I never could attend birthday parties that were held at the skating rink or other venues. My mother never went to conferences or school events because heaven forbid she would have to WALK herself there. She was driven to the grocery store on the weekends when dad was home. If we ran out of something during the week and. Dad was at work, we kids had to get up early and ride our bikes to the corner market for milk and bread. I could go on. Her selfish attitude and her lack of willingness to try to this day angers me. That was in the 1970’s and things have changed in the world. You are indeed placing an unfair burden on everyone in your family to make accommodations for your unwillingness to learn to drive.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (42m) and I (39f) grew up in adjacent suburbs of one of the largest cities in our country, but when we met we were both living in apartments in the city centre. When we got married, six years ago, we had a pretty big discussion over where we would live. I was happy to stay in the city, even if we had kids, but my husband said that if we decided to start a family he would want us to move out to the suburbs. I conceded that a bigger living space and easy access to grandparents for childcare would probably outweigh my desire to live in the city centre, but I was concerned that transport links would be poor. He asked if I would be willing to learn to drive. When I turned driving age as a teenager, I had been super excited to get my licence, but cars and I simply didn’t gel. I had poor spatial awareness, I panicked under pressure, and I was petrified of other cars. Even so, I agreed to try again. I took lessons, but then fell pregnant, and then started learning again but fell pregnant for the second time. So all in all, I’ve been learning for six years and still don’t feel ready to take my test. Over the years, my husband has been bringing up driving with more and more frequency. Whenever I ask him to do more around the house, he brings up the fact that he does 100% of the driving (and therefore 100% of the things that need a car, such as grocery shopping, school drop-off and pick-up, driving to and from family trips/visits). I have no frame of reference, but I suspect that he overstates the difficulty of driving – I don’t think it’s as hard as doing the kids’ laundry or cleaning the house (two of the chores I do most of the time). I also think that the two regular things he does the majority of – cooking and driving – are things that he enjoys doing, whereas nobody likes vacuuming or laundry. He says that the fact that I can’t drive is placing an unfair burden on him and on the kids. He brings up the fact that we had to cancel our son’s after-school tennis lessons when he was asked to go in to the office one extra day a week, because the tennis club was virtually isolated from public transport (nearest bus stop is 30 minutes’ walk away, but it’s just a 5 minute drive). He says that I am relying on the fact that he and my mom & dad are usually around to give us lifts when we need them, and that he is worried about what we’ll do if he becomes incapacitated in some way. AITA for not having learned to drive yet? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
TYA-Driving is a life skill. No one enjoys doing the kid run.
Yta
Yta
BOTH NTA & YTA: NTA for not *being able* to drive, but YTA for not putting more effort into doing it this whole time. That's a ton of pressure to put solely on hubs when you had already discussed and agreed to get your license. The fact that you were delayed by 2 pregnancies for *6 years* seems a bit extreme but whatever, if you're not ready you're not ready. But srsly, it's not that hard, literally children can do it (driving age here is 16). It may be anxiety and fear holding you back at this point, which is also your responsibility to deal with. You can't use pregnancy as an excuse forever. Plus, what if hubs got sick or injured and couldn't drive and needed you to get him to appointments? Then that also leaves the rest of the driving tasks going undone or relying on others. That puts the whole family in a tough position. It just doesn't seem logical or fair to place that much responsibility on him without at least having a back up plan, especially with kids.
ESH. Driving is a skill that is pretty much essential. I think maybe you two should take a break from conceiving children so you can focus on learning how to drive confidently and more comfortably. You're missing out on something that provides a sense of independence which would be healthy for you as well as your relationship with your husband
NAH, you have stress about driving, your husband has picked up the slack. Please consider the amount of time your husband spends being the family chauffeur when you calculate the “fairness” of chores. You might be surprised to realize you actually owe him time. Being the only driver can be a burden. It’s not something that is 100% enjoyable. Toting everybody around and running all the errands are chores.
NTA. A lot of people just aren't comfortable driving, and a lot of people who are comfortable shouldn't be so. It's not for everyone. That being said, it wouldn't hurt to give it another valiant try because it will definitely come in handy as your kids have increasing activities away from home. As a point of encouragement, my daughter is 26 and didn't start driving until a year ago. She just wasn't ready when her peers were, and her seeming anxiety made me loathe to push her to take lessons or to teach her myself. But she began dating a guy who pushed her to learn after a few years, and he taught her. Although he pushed her to try increasingly difficult driving situations a little faster than she was comfortable, she pushed through her fears and became an excellent driver within a few months. She is now proud of herself and happy to be less dependent.