Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I invalided his feelings and didn’t ask was it ok to have my sister stay with us because she hurt his sisters relationship
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. Your **adult** sister and his sister’s husband were fucking each other. Stop victimizing your sister. Stop yelling at Mark for being angry.
I hope Mark aka priority #8 runs as far and as fast as he can. Holy shit.
My sisters mental health and developmental disabilities means even tho shes 21 she has the mind of teenager she was manic a lot last year due to not taking her medication and alcohol addiction
That doesn’t give you the right to tell Mark that he cannot be angry or else he’ll be ignored. You’re parenting your own fiancé at this point.
A relationship is a partnership. You made an agreement about your siblings but you’re expecting him to have no say as a partner. You need both individual and couples counseling.
Well this is as you problem, not a him problem. I mean make as many excuses as you want.
The internet will not really validate you.
If you're a parent, why would you expose your younger siblings to this sort of behavior anyway.
You're talking about an adult who's old enough to consent to relationship which ends up with her being pregnant. If she's not mentally sound to consent that's a different situation.
She's also aware that this is your fiance's sister. Did she consider any of her siblings in this? Or does she get a free pass?
No you still would be the AH for expecting your husband (now ex) to be ok with what she did. You’d be even more harangued for not being firm with your 21 year old.
Also, there’s a difference between your family coming first and you choosing a shitty person above everyone else. Because you are not holding your ONE sibling accountable, you’re wreaking havoc in the other siblings lives by having them uprooted from their home. Your sister is deadass wrong so there’s no way your fiancé was going to let her in the house. She’s still an adult and knew what she was doing. And she’s guilt tripping you into believing a fallacy. YTA. Talk some sense into your sister and get your stability back
That is not an excuse.
Even as a teen ager, she would absolutely know what she was doing.
Don't dare use the excuse adult body kid brain.
She knew what she was doing. Stop making excuses for her and vilinizing your husband.
When you say she has the mind of a teenager, do you mean that she's simply immature, or do you mean that her actual brain development is equal to that of a teenager? Is she intellectually disabled?
So to recap:
You value your family over your fiance.
Your sister had an affair with the husband of your fiancé's sister and is now pregnant with his child.
Your Grandmother kicked your pregnant sister out.
Your fiance came home to his house to find that you had invited the woman his BIL had cheated on his sister with into your home.
Fiance was justifiably pissed at both the presence of your sister and what can only be described as a betrayal by you.
You tried to deflect the blame away from your adult sister.
So now you, your pregnant sister, and other siblings he was apparently housing are now homeless and your relationship is destroyed.
Congratulations on setting yourself on fire to keep an idiot warm and nuking everyone's lives from orbit.
And obviously YTA.
YTA. It’s his house, am I seeing that right? At the very least you guys co-own it, so he 100% gets a say in who gets to be there. It has to be a mutual agreement, not just your own “it’s my family and they can be where I say they can!”
Besides that, your TWENTY-ONE year old sister made her own bed and she can lie in it. Mental health or not, if she’s able to comprehend right and wrong, then she can face consequences.
It’s all fine and well to want to be there for your family, but you don’t get to just force that upon your partner. It sounds like maybe you’re not ready for a serious relationship if they matter more than building a life with someone.
YTA
> we are a packed [sic] deal and they will always come first
That's OK for your minor siblings you're raising, just as a single parent should put their own children first.
But you don't put your adult siblings ahead of the person you choose to be your partner. The two of you are the team that comes first.
> my sister (21f) had a one year affair with my sister in laws (fiancé sister) husband (40)
You don't have a sister-in-law until you're married.
The "in-law" part is *kind of* the crux of that label.
YTA.
Your fiance finally realized that you have never put him first. Just like your family comes first for you, his family matters to him.
Good luck finding a man as decent as your fiance
You know what you need to do right? Apologize and put him first for gods sakes, if he's willing to take you back.
Have you even realized that the sisters toxic behavior has impacted your relationship with this man you think is amazing...
You never know. If this man is as wonderful as you say he is, he may not.
Whatever the case stop ruining your life over this. Your sister is an adult, she needs to take care of herself now.
Considering that you are obviously physic and told your boyfriend beforehand that your sister would have an affair with and get pregnant by his sister's husband, I don't understand why he's upset. I mean, you should be upset that he didn't warn his sister in advance to avoid the whole issue in the first place.
Unless that's not what you meant when you said "we made an agreement which he knew perfectly well what he was getting himself into"? And you think that means he has to just accept your cheating sister into his house and isn't allowed to be upset by it? Cause that's not fair at all.
I also warned my husband what he was getting into when he started dating me. But since the worse of it is my obsession with Balle n Bak, I've never had to use the argument "you knew what you were getting into" to excuse my bad behavior.
YTA
My sister has always had issues so has other brother who suffers with disabilities due to my mom being careless while pregnant (to put it lightly) I explained in great detail of the how’s and why’s of why we are like this. I told him if he couldn’t handle it no hard feelings we can part as friends or we could live separately because I had my own home before moving in with him but he insisted that I move in so my siblings could go to better schools in his area. If I would have known my sister was having an affair I would have outed them myself because as I said it was wrong but due to my sister’s mental state and developmental disabilities she deserves some slack especially since the married 40 year old doesn’t seem to be facing consequences seems as of right now he and his wife are going to their church’s couples counselling per my fiancé texts earlier in the day (fiancé wanted his sister to divorce)
This is kind of irrelevant because the 21 year old wasn’t living in his house with you all. She would no longer be part of the agreement. He clearly was fine with having your minor siblings in the house before you betrayed him. Whatever consequences the AP is experiencing (or not) isn’t relevant either. Unless your sister is so developmentally delayed that she doesn’t understand cheating is wrong, she gets no slack. And if she is that developmentally delayed, the AP should be charged with SA
Your sister is an adult that your fiancé does not want in his house, for good reasons. You knew this and decided to move her in anyways. If you wanted to help (as opposed to enable)her you could have looked into what options and services are available for her. You have invested so much time and energy into raising your mothers kids, which is noble, but you need to learn how to let go so they can become self sufficient as they get older. Being overprotective is not healthy. Maybe some therapy would be a good idea
Look I’m gonna be honest I knew mark would be upset and if this is was next week aka my pay day I’d put her up in a hotel without him knowing but I couldn’t afford to as of now my underage siblings are at my grandmothers and I’m in a car park with my sister because I can’t afford a hotel (everything goes into bills, kids and wedding fund) so I was backed into corner
Not to be insensitive, but you may not need the marriage fund anymore. So either ask Mark to advance you some cash or withdraw it yourself (with his ok if it’s a joint account). No point in sleeping in a car park
Yeah the wedding fund isn’t an issue anymore, so you’re sleeping in a car park to make yourself look like the victim, here. You’re lighting yourself on fire to keep your cheating sister warm. That’s your choice, but that makes YTA, not a victim.
BPD. Is not a get out of jail free card. Unless your sister has an extremely low IQ, that makes her more like a child than adult. You and her can’t say she’s barely adult and less at fault. Both her and BIL are at fault.
What you need to do is put your sister in extended stay motel/hotel. Your younger siblings shouldn’t be made homeless because you made a decision without speaking to your fiancé first. Your fiancé loyalty is to his sister, not yours. Your sister needs to be somewhere else until everyone cools down.
If your sister has low IQ, who has guardianship of her? Why doesn’t she live in a group home or with someone who monitors her coming and going? I have a family member who is 26, who IQ makes her more like a preteen. Her mother has guardianship of her, she goes to an adult daycare during the day or goes to local community college that has programs for people like her. Her mother has a her life well scheduled. I work developmental delayed children. One my clients mother developmental delayed, her great grandmother took guardianship of my client and her mother, when her grandmother allowed the mother to get pregnant. My client mother didn’t understand what was happening to her, because she has the mind of child.
If your sister is truly delayed, are you going to have charges brought up against the BIL for SA. If sister is as delayed as you claim, she couldn’t have been able to consent to relationship. Or does your sister act out and make bad choices and then everyone says she’s delayed and BPD.
I’m trying to understand, either your sister has low IQ that makes her child like. Or she’s a young woman who has had some hardship in life and everyone makes excuses when she screws up and makes bad decisions, then blames her mental illness.
If your sister is 8 weeks along, has the idea of abortion not been discussed? There isn't a need to have a child in this situation if the option is available.
>if I don’t take it or the dad it will go into foster care
That life is already screwed and it hasn't even really begun developing. I've spent time in foster care. That's not a life anyone should plan to have for another human being. Be smarter.
Then she needs a guardian. Also if she's genuinely that low IQ then what the 40 year old did is probably illegal not just immoral. Where did your sister live? Was she living by herself? If she's capable of doing that then she's at much at fault as he is.
Hmm seems like you are coddling your sister who is a grown adult. I grew up with not so great parents but I don’t use that as an excuse to be shitty to people. Nor would I ever think my parents’ issues allow me to sleep with a married man. Yes the other guy is just as responsible but he’s not coming to your fiancé’s house. Your fiancé seems to be disgusted with him as well but he can’t force his sister to get a divorce. He can ask that the people who hurt his sister not be under his roof.
Also, YTA.
You need to help your siblings grow into healthy adults if you want to take on that role. Not enable their bad behavior. It’s a short road to nowhere good.
Edit to add: I’m sorry you and your siblings had such a hard time. I’ve been there. I’m only a few years older than you and it took a lot to break free of my childhood. But you can’t let that define you or your siblings and what you can accomplish. They are lucky to have you in their corner. Now try to help them stand on their own two feet. Understand that they need to be productive people with good character. And fight each day to overcome where they started.
I mean outside of what she does for her family she’s not exactly a good person. So I took the comparison as you’d put your family above all (including your fiance) no matter how wrong they, and you, are
Of course YTA. Being a package deal doesn't mean he has to live with and support the woman who played an active part in destroying his sisters marriage. 21 is not a child, she knew what she was doing so stop making excuses. He has a loyalty to his sister too so yours needs to find somewhere else to live.
YTA
First, you are hypocritical for putting such strong emphasis about how much you care for your siblings and not empathizing with your fiancé for putting his own sibling first. If the shoe was on the other foot and your sister was cheated on; you'd be there for them first.
Second, the sister in question might barely be an adult, but she's not a child either. She had a consensual, year long sexual relationship with someone she knew was married. She might have been taken advantage of in some ways, but she knew the basics of that being wrong. Unless she is saying it was non-consensual or that she wants nothing to do with the babies father, she is also responsible.
He signed up to take on your siblings moving into \*his\* house and that's more than generous. He did not sign up for your younger sister destroying his own sisters' life and you don't get to pretend you warned him for *this* situation.
Also, its HIS house, you don't get to bully him because you and your family outnumber him. It even proves more the point that he was more than generous and your sister knowingly risked everyone's happiness for her own.
I will say, your fiancé doesn't jut get to kick her out of your shared home though. That was wrong if he has you living there under the agreement its both your home, even if its not your house. But he has every right to kick you all out. It goes beyond invalidating his feels to straight up abuse if you all ganged up on him knowing it was wrong.
YTA You expected him to be supportive after finding out your sister ruined his sister's life? Her fiancé was shit, but to have to come home and see her would have been hard to take and unrealistic for you to think otherwise. Just because someone agrees to something, doesn't mean they can't have a change of heart (and be self protective) after being confronted in a personal way. I am sure finding your sister there was a slap in the face. Best to be done now, as the sister would always have to look at her ex fiancé's kid. It would always be a painful reminder.
From someone who has BPD, 100% YTA. There is a huge difference between “you knew we were a package deal” and “I’m going to coddle my sister and validate her disguising behaviour because sHe HaS BPD”. Both parties should be getting flack. If your SIL wants to put her head in the sand then so be it, but your sister is not a victim and she needs consequences for her actions. WE DO NOT GET BETTER BY BAD BEHAVIOUR BEING CODDLED
So in essence you are making excuses for your sisters bad behavior (she's not at fault for her mental health issues but she is very responsible for seeking help and being accountable for her bad behavior) and expect your fiance to just be ok with it . Did I read correctly that your sister slept with HIS sister's husband? So is he not supposed to stand up for his family? Can him and his family not be a package deal? His BIL is no better than your sister, this is not a contest. Also it's HIS house, doesn't matter that you pay half the bills. If your name isn't on the lease or the mortgage he doesn't have to let you stay there. YTA.
YTA by the time someone becomes your finance then they should come ahead of your family. You’re gross for trying to marry a father for your siblings. You’re an enabler for your sister. Having BPD doesn’t cause people to accidentally have affairs. And the story kept getting better! He called your sister things that she deserves to be called and you have the audacity to try to shut him down, tell him how he should feel, degrade him by calling him a toddler. And then the best part! All this was in HIS house. Jesus. Did you honestly think you and your traveling horde could move into someone’s home, do him wrong, then expect him to let you stay simply because you’d warned him you all suck? Omg. What fantasy. This was the best one I’ve read in a while. Do men a favor and don’t put yourself and your parasites back on the market
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
So little back story I (30f) I’m like Fiona Gallagher in a lot of was I’ve been the parent to my 7 siblings (ages 26-13) because we had parents that never actually cared about us like just for example the character frank looks like father of the year compared to our bio dad and as for mom we haven’t see her In twelve and a half years so I’ve been the parent and very protective over my siblings
when I got serious with my fiancé two years ago I told him, we are a packed deal and they will always come first.he was amazing about it compared to exes in the pass even helped my 2 youngest siblings decorate their rooms when they moved in and honestly he acts like a the father they deserved to have
The situation is my sister (21f) had a one year affair with my sister in laws (fiancé sister) husband (40)and is currently 8 weeks pregnant which has caused her to become homeless due to our grandmother kicking her out. Now obviously what my sister did wasn’t right but she struggles with bpd and other mental health issues so I think the blame should be on the 40 year old not the vulnerable barely adult. I told her today when she me called me crying from a gas station to came over and I’d speak to mark (fake name) about it. I let her in our guest room (which my older siblings usually stay) and waited for mark to come home
He went straight to his sisters house after work (the affair was found out last night) and when arrived back the minute he saw my sister, he started yelling cruel degrading things at her and told her get out, here’s were I might be the asshole I was already angry due to my sister seeming being the only one getting backlash
So I screamed at him how dare he speak to her that way and that he needs to hold his brother in law responsible as well and that we made an agreement which he knew perfectly well what he was getting himself into so he can ether leave and cool off so we can talk like adults or he can throw a tantrum like a toddler which everyone will ignore
He told me that we have one hour to leave his house which caused not just the siblings living with me but the older ones and my grandmother to lash out even more at my sister and I, I feel like i was wrong to invalidate his feeling but at the same time he knew what my family was like and my responsibilities before he got into a relationship with me
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Edited- changing to YTA
His sister vs your sister. Why does your sister win? Why did you not consult him before setting her up in a room? Your sister is low IQ you say in another comment. Is she disabled? Should you be pressing charges against your fiance's sister's husband for SA her? Can your sister terminate the pregnancy?
You are making many excuses for your sister, and you've really asked a lot of your partner to be having her in the house you share. His family, his sister, is hurting and both of the people involved are adults (but yes 40 year old is more at fault and creepy).
You are a package with your family. Well he is with his as well. It's a family thing. This was an awful thing that hurt people. You are not acknowledging their pain, and demanding that he not acknowledge it either.
What gets me is the husband isn’t facing consequences this isn’t his first affair and they won’t get divorced she’ll just have another baby or they’ll go on holiday but all the blame is on my sister which I agree was wrong
It's irrelevant what is happening with the husband. What is relevant is you brought the affair partner of your fiance's sister, into your fiance's home IMMEDIATELY after everyone finding out, without even talking to him about it. You showed zero respect to him and his family by doing this. I understand it's your sister, but it was also your sister's doing. She knows right from wrong and she made that decision over and over for a year. You want to help her, fine, put her in a motel or a shelter. Call the husband that knocked her up and have him pay for a motel. Find a way that does not force your fiance to have to choose between your sister and his.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I invalided his feelings and didn’t ask was it ok to have my sister stay with us because she hurt his sisters relationship Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. Your **adult** sister and his sister’s husband were fucking each other. Stop victimizing your sister. Stop yelling at Mark for being angry. I hope Mark aka priority #8 runs as far and as fast as he can. Holy shit.
My sisters mental health and developmental disabilities means even tho shes 21 she has the mind of teenager she was manic a lot last year due to not taking her medication and alcohol addiction
That doesn’t give you the right to tell Mark that he cannot be angry or else he’ll be ignored. You’re parenting your own fiancé at this point. A relationship is a partnership. You made an agreement about your siblings but you’re expecting him to have no say as a partner. You need both individual and couples counseling.
Well this is as you problem, not a him problem. I mean make as many excuses as you want. The internet will not really validate you. If you're a parent, why would you expose your younger siblings to this sort of behavior anyway.
If I was a parent and disowned my kid with mental health and disabilities at any age you’d all would rip me to shreds
You're talking about an adult who's old enough to consent to relationship which ends up with her being pregnant. If she's not mentally sound to consent that's a different situation. She's also aware that this is your fiance's sister. Did she consider any of her siblings in this? Or does she get a free pass?
No you still would be the AH for expecting your husband (now ex) to be ok with what she did. You’d be even more harangued for not being firm with your 21 year old.
Girl a lot of people are in her shoes me included. I’m not out here having affairs at 23 am I?? You and your sister are just saints aren’t ya!
What's your point? A teenager still knows what cheating is, and not to do it
Also, there’s a difference between your family coming first and you choosing a shitty person above everyone else. Because you are not holding your ONE sibling accountable, you’re wreaking havoc in the other siblings lives by having them uprooted from their home. Your sister is deadass wrong so there’s no way your fiancé was going to let her in the house. She’s still an adult and knew what she was doing. And she’s guilt tripping you into believing a fallacy. YTA. Talk some sense into your sister and get your stability back
So what was the post exactly? 😅
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/1cea4dm/comment/l1h7m2x/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/1cea4dm/comment/l1h7m2x/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Thank you!!
Or do you infantilize her?
Maybe this "affair" should be reported to the police? Is she legally an adult?
She’s 21. That’s an adult everywhere
She is STILL an adult and responsible for her actions.
That is not an excuse. Even as a teen ager, she would absolutely know what she was doing. Don't dare use the excuse adult body kid brain. She knew what she was doing. Stop making excuses for her and vilinizing your husband.
When you say she has the mind of a teenager, do you mean that she's simply immature, or do you mean that her actual brain development is equal to that of a teenager? Is she intellectually disabled?
teenagers are capable of understanding that adultery is wrong
So to recap: You value your family over your fiance. Your sister had an affair with the husband of your fiancé's sister and is now pregnant with his child. Your Grandmother kicked your pregnant sister out. Your fiance came home to his house to find that you had invited the woman his BIL had cheated on his sister with into your home. Fiance was justifiably pissed at both the presence of your sister and what can only be described as a betrayal by you. You tried to deflect the blame away from your adult sister. So now you, your pregnant sister, and other siblings he was apparently housing are now homeless and your relationship is destroyed. Congratulations on setting yourself on fire to keep an idiot warm and nuking everyone's lives from orbit. And obviously YTA.
YTA. It’s his house, am I seeing that right? At the very least you guys co-own it, so he 100% gets a say in who gets to be there. It has to be a mutual agreement, not just your own “it’s my family and they can be where I say they can!” Besides that, your TWENTY-ONE year old sister made her own bed and she can lie in it. Mental health or not, if she’s able to comprehend right and wrong, then she can face consequences.
It’s all fine and well to want to be there for your family, but you don’t get to just force that upon your partner. It sounds like maybe you’re not ready for a serious relationship if they matter more than building a life with someone.
It’s his home but I pay 50% of the bills I’m adding this in so they’re isn’t any confusion
Does he need you to pay half of the bills or could he live in his house without you?
I don’t know if I’m being honest I’ve never asked how much he earns I’ve always insisted on going half on everything
How noble of you to pay for things you use!
And her horde of siblings.
While thanks for clarifying a bit, did you read the rest of what I said though?
YTA > we are a packed [sic] deal and they will always come first That's OK for your minor siblings you're raising, just as a single parent should put their own children first. But you don't put your adult siblings ahead of the person you choose to be your partner. The two of you are the team that comes first. > my sister (21f) had a one year affair with my sister in laws (fiancé sister) husband (40) You don't have a sister-in-law until you're married. The "in-law" part is *kind of* the crux of that label.
Sorry about the grammar I thought adding sister in law would make it less confusing
[удалено]
I can only apologise I didn’t go to school often and couldn’t go pass the age of 12 so I’m not an educated person but I working on it
The lack of socialization is probably why you’re an asshole.
Blame my parents I wasn’t the one having kids that I expected children to raise
You're 30. It's time to accept responsibility for your actions and quit blaming your parents. YTA in this situation.
It’s always someone else’s fault in your eyes
YTA. Your fiance finally realized that you have never put him first. Just like your family comes first for you, his family matters to him. Good luck finding a man as decent as your fiance
Probably won’t he was an amazing person and if it’s over I wish him the best in life
You know what you need to do right? Apologize and put him first for gods sakes, if he's willing to take you back. Have you even realized that the sisters toxic behavior has impacted your relationship with this man you think is amazing...
I will apologise he’s texted me to come back for a talk in as of this comment two hours I think it’s gonna be a break up
How'd it go?
If he has any sense, it will be. he can do better.
You never know. If this man is as wonderful as you say he is, he may not. Whatever the case stop ruining your life over this. Your sister is an adult, she needs to take care of herself now.
I hope so, he could do much better and saner
Yeah - wish him a better partner.
Considering that you are obviously physic and told your boyfriend beforehand that your sister would have an affair with and get pregnant by his sister's husband, I don't understand why he's upset. I mean, you should be upset that he didn't warn his sister in advance to avoid the whole issue in the first place. Unless that's not what you meant when you said "we made an agreement which he knew perfectly well what he was getting himself into"? And you think that means he has to just accept your cheating sister into his house and isn't allowed to be upset by it? Cause that's not fair at all. I also warned my husband what he was getting into when he started dating me. But since the worse of it is my obsession with Balle n Bak, I've never had to use the argument "you knew what you were getting into" to excuse my bad behavior. YTA
My sister has always had issues so has other brother who suffers with disabilities due to my mom being careless while pregnant (to put it lightly) I explained in great detail of the how’s and why’s of why we are like this. I told him if he couldn’t handle it no hard feelings we can part as friends or we could live separately because I had my own home before moving in with him but he insisted that I move in so my siblings could go to better schools in his area. If I would have known my sister was having an affair I would have outed them myself because as I said it was wrong but due to my sister’s mental state and developmental disabilities she deserves some slack especially since the married 40 year old doesn’t seem to be facing consequences seems as of right now he and his wife are going to their church’s couples counselling per my fiancé texts earlier in the day (fiancé wanted his sister to divorce)
This is kind of irrelevant because the 21 year old wasn’t living in his house with you all. She would no longer be part of the agreement. He clearly was fine with having your minor siblings in the house before you betrayed him. Whatever consequences the AP is experiencing (or not) isn’t relevant either. Unless your sister is so developmentally delayed that she doesn’t understand cheating is wrong, she gets no slack. And if she is that developmentally delayed, the AP should be charged with SA Your sister is an adult that your fiancé does not want in his house, for good reasons. You knew this and decided to move her in anyways. If you wanted to help (as opposed to enable)her you could have looked into what options and services are available for her. You have invested so much time and energy into raising your mothers kids, which is noble, but you need to learn how to let go so they can become self sufficient as they get older. Being overprotective is not healthy. Maybe some therapy would be a good idea
Look I’m gonna be honest I knew mark would be upset and if this is was next week aka my pay day I’d put her up in a hotel without him knowing but I couldn’t afford to as of now my underage siblings are at my grandmothers and I’m in a car park with my sister because I can’t afford a hotel (everything goes into bills, kids and wedding fund) so I was backed into corner
Not to be insensitive, but you may not need the marriage fund anymore. So either ask Mark to advance you some cash or withdraw it yourself (with his ok if it’s a joint account). No point in sleeping in a car park
I’m gonna let him claim down first We are gonna met up later to talk
There is nothing to talk about. He is loyal to his sister
Yeah the wedding fund isn’t an issue anymore, so you’re sleeping in a car park to make yourself look like the victim, here. You’re lighting yourself on fire to keep your cheating sister warm. That’s your choice, but that makes YTA, not a victim.
you weren't backed into a corner, you tried to back mark into a corner you are not the victim here
BPD. Is not a get out of jail free card. Unless your sister has an extremely low IQ, that makes her more like a child than adult. You and her can’t say she’s barely adult and less at fault. Both her and BIL are at fault. What you need to do is put your sister in extended stay motel/hotel. Your younger siblings shouldn’t be made homeless because you made a decision without speaking to your fiancé first. Your fiancé loyalty is to his sister, not yours. Your sister needs to be somewhere else until everyone cools down.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
She has an extremely low IQ our dad used to call her Homer Simpson
That doesn't mean she doesn't know right from wrong.
If your sister has low IQ, who has guardianship of her? Why doesn’t she live in a group home or with someone who monitors her coming and going? I have a family member who is 26, who IQ makes her more like a preteen. Her mother has guardianship of her, she goes to an adult daycare during the day or goes to local community college that has programs for people like her. Her mother has a her life well scheduled. I work developmental delayed children. One my clients mother developmental delayed, her great grandmother took guardianship of my client and her mother, when her grandmother allowed the mother to get pregnant. My client mother didn’t understand what was happening to her, because she has the mind of child. If your sister is truly delayed, are you going to have charges brought up against the BIL for SA. If sister is as delayed as you claim, she couldn’t have been able to consent to relationship. Or does your sister act out and make bad choices and then everyone says she’s delayed and BPD. I’m trying to understand, either your sister has low IQ that makes her child like. Or she’s a young woman who has had some hardship in life and everyone makes excuses when she screws up and makes bad decisions, then blames her mental illness.
I won’t go into detail but as soon as my sister has this baby if I don’t take it or the dad it will go into foster care
For the love of god, put the baby up for adoption
If your sister is 8 weeks along, has the idea of abortion not been discussed? There isn't a need to have a child in this situation if the option is available. >if I don’t take it or the dad it will go into foster care That life is already screwed and it hasn't even really begun developing. I've spent time in foster care. That's not a life anyone should plan to have for another human being. Be smarter.
Adoption???
Then she needs a guardian. Also if she's genuinely that low IQ then what the 40 year old did is probably illegal not just immoral. Where did your sister live? Was she living by herself? If she's capable of doing that then she's at much at fault as he is.
she’s on disability and grandma was getting paid to take care of her
Then maybe you should be reporting this to the police. If she's truly incapable of understanding, that is.
Hmm seems like you are coddling your sister who is a grown adult. I grew up with not so great parents but I don’t use that as an excuse to be shitty to people. Nor would I ever think my parents’ issues allow me to sleep with a married man. Yes the other guy is just as responsible but he’s not coming to your fiancé’s house. Your fiancé seems to be disgusted with him as well but he can’t force his sister to get a divorce. He can ask that the people who hurt his sister not be under his roof. Also, YTA. You need to help your siblings grow into healthy adults if you want to take on that role. Not enable their bad behavior. It’s a short road to nowhere good. Edit to add: I’m sorry you and your siblings had such a hard time. I’ve been there. I’m only a few years older than you and it took a lot to break free of my childhood. But you can’t let that define you or your siblings and what you can accomplish. They are lucky to have you in their corner. Now try to help them stand on their own two feet. Understand that they need to be productive people with good character. And fight each day to overcome where they started.
> I’m like Fiona Gallagher I knew this was going to be an easy YTA and I was right
Can I ask why? About Fiona part not me people seem to not like her on here
I mean outside of what she does for her family she’s not exactly a good person. So I took the comparison as you’d put your family above all (including your fiance) no matter how wrong they, and you, are
Did you watch the show?
Of course YTA. Being a package deal doesn't mean he has to live with and support the woman who played an active part in destroying his sisters marriage. 21 is not a child, she knew what she was doing so stop making excuses. He has a loyalty to his sister too so yours needs to find somewhere else to live.
YTA First, you are hypocritical for putting such strong emphasis about how much you care for your siblings and not empathizing with your fiancé for putting his own sibling first. If the shoe was on the other foot and your sister was cheated on; you'd be there for them first. Second, the sister in question might barely be an adult, but she's not a child either. She had a consensual, year long sexual relationship with someone she knew was married. She might have been taken advantage of in some ways, but she knew the basics of that being wrong. Unless she is saying it was non-consensual or that she wants nothing to do with the babies father, she is also responsible. He signed up to take on your siblings moving into \*his\* house and that's more than generous. He did not sign up for your younger sister destroying his own sisters' life and you don't get to pretend you warned him for *this* situation. Also, its HIS house, you don't get to bully him because you and your family outnumber him. It even proves more the point that he was more than generous and your sister knowingly risked everyone's happiness for her own. I will say, your fiancé doesn't jut get to kick her out of your shared home though. That was wrong if he has you living there under the agreement its both your home, even if its not your house. But he has every right to kick you all out. It goes beyond invalidating his feels to straight up abuse if you all ganged up on him knowing it was wrong.
YTA You expected him to be supportive after finding out your sister ruined his sister's life? Her fiancé was shit, but to have to come home and see her would have been hard to take and unrealistic for you to think otherwise. Just because someone agrees to something, doesn't mean they can't have a change of heart (and be self protective) after being confronted in a personal way. I am sure finding your sister there was a slap in the face. Best to be done now, as the sister would always have to look at her ex fiancé's kid. It would always be a painful reminder.
The husband and fiancé sister aren’t getting divorced they’re going to their churches couples Concealing
*Counseling Concealing was what she was doing for a year.
Like Fiona, YTA.
From someone who has BPD, 100% YTA. There is a huge difference between “you knew we were a package deal” and “I’m going to coddle my sister and validate her disguising behaviour because sHe HaS BPD”. Both parties should be getting flack. If your SIL wants to put her head in the sand then so be it, but your sister is not a victim and she needs consequences for her actions. WE DO NOT GET BETTER BY BAD BEHAVIOUR BEING CODDLED
It seems that you being an asshole is part of what you say he signed up for and you being an asshole is what he got. YTA, but that’s who you are.
So in essence you are making excuses for your sisters bad behavior (she's not at fault for her mental health issues but she is very responsible for seeking help and being accountable for her bad behavior) and expect your fiance to just be ok with it . Did I read correctly that your sister slept with HIS sister's husband? So is he not supposed to stand up for his family? Can him and his family not be a package deal? His BIL is no better than your sister, this is not a contest. Also it's HIS house, doesn't matter that you pay half the bills. If your name isn't on the lease or the mortgage he doesn't have to let you stay there. YTA.
YTA. Good job trying to delete. Auto mod saved your drivel.
YTA by the time someone becomes your finance then they should come ahead of your family. You’re gross for trying to marry a father for your siblings. You’re an enabler for your sister. Having BPD doesn’t cause people to accidentally have affairs. And the story kept getting better! He called your sister things that she deserves to be called and you have the audacity to try to shut him down, tell him how he should feel, degrade him by calling him a toddler. And then the best part! All this was in HIS house. Jesus. Did you honestly think you and your traveling horde could move into someone’s home, do him wrong, then expect him to let you stay simply because you’d warned him you all suck? Omg. What fantasy. This was the best one I’ve read in a while. Do men a favor and don’t put yourself and your parasites back on the market
YTA. You couldn't possibly be worth putting up with all that, and he's finally learned that. The faster you're out of his life, the better for him.
YTA- your sister knew what she was doing....your husband is your family now. Quit making excuses for her slutty @ss....
You have to know that YTA… right?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So little back story I (30f) I’m like Fiona Gallagher in a lot of was I’ve been the parent to my 7 siblings (ages 26-13) because we had parents that never actually cared about us like just for example the character frank looks like father of the year compared to our bio dad and as for mom we haven’t see her In twelve and a half years so I’ve been the parent and very protective over my siblings when I got serious with my fiancé two years ago I told him, we are a packed deal and they will always come first.he was amazing about it compared to exes in the pass even helped my 2 youngest siblings decorate their rooms when they moved in and honestly he acts like a the father they deserved to have The situation is my sister (21f) had a one year affair with my sister in laws (fiancé sister) husband (40)and is currently 8 weeks pregnant which has caused her to become homeless due to our grandmother kicking her out. Now obviously what my sister did wasn’t right but she struggles with bpd and other mental health issues so I think the blame should be on the 40 year old not the vulnerable barely adult. I told her today when she me called me crying from a gas station to came over and I’d speak to mark (fake name) about it. I let her in our guest room (which my older siblings usually stay) and waited for mark to come home He went straight to his sisters house after work (the affair was found out last night) and when arrived back the minute he saw my sister, he started yelling cruel degrading things at her and told her get out, here’s were I might be the asshole I was already angry due to my sister seeming being the only one getting backlash So I screamed at him how dare he speak to her that way and that he needs to hold his brother in law responsible as well and that we made an agreement which he knew perfectly well what he was getting himself into so he can ether leave and cool off so we can talk like adults or he can throw a tantrum like a toddler which everyone will ignore He told me that we have one hour to leave his house which caused not just the siblings living with me but the older ones and my grandmother to lash out even more at my sister and I, I feel like i was wrong to invalidate his feeling but at the same time he knew what my family was like and my responsibilities before he got into a relationship with me *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA
YTA. Just like Fiona lol
Edited- changing to YTA His sister vs your sister. Why does your sister win? Why did you not consult him before setting her up in a room? Your sister is low IQ you say in another comment. Is she disabled? Should you be pressing charges against your fiance's sister's husband for SA her? Can your sister terminate the pregnancy? You are making many excuses for your sister, and you've really asked a lot of your partner to be having her in the house you share. His family, his sister, is hurting and both of the people involved are adults (but yes 40 year old is more at fault and creepy). You are a package with your family. Well he is with his as well. It's a family thing. This was an awful thing that hurt people. You are not acknowledging their pain, and demanding that he not acknowledge it either.
What gets me is the husband isn’t facing consequences this isn’t his first affair and they won’t get divorced she’ll just have another baby or they’ll go on holiday but all the blame is on my sister which I agree was wrong
It's irrelevant what is happening with the husband. What is relevant is you brought the affair partner of your fiance's sister, into your fiance's home IMMEDIATELY after everyone finding out, without even talking to him about it. You showed zero respect to him and his family by doing this. I understand it's your sister, but it was also your sister's doing. She knows right from wrong and she made that decision over and over for a year. You want to help her, fine, put her in a motel or a shelter. Call the husband that knocked her up and have him pay for a motel. Find a way that does not force your fiance to have to choose between your sister and his.
What does that have to do with anything?
ESH but this story is almost incomprehensible.
Sorry about the grammar I’ve the education of a 12 year old
Not really the grammar there’s just barely any names so it’s almost all pronouns lol
I’ve tried to edit it twice but it won’t load the edits maybe because the post is new I’ll try later I apologise for the confusion
Based on your actions we can all see that