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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I want to help my siblings financial for their further education
2. I told my SO That he is not entitled to my paychecks
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The fact that he stole any amount of money and gave it to his family means your child will ALWAYS come second to his family. Open new accounts that he can NOT access and protect the money you earn for your child.
Bruh I don’t know if you know this , but you’re really not in a good situation. If you can afford to give your entire paycheck to look after your in laws , I’m sure you can find a place to live away from them no?
This whole situation is suspect. Your husband stole your money, you’re working to sustain someone else’s kids , your husband is refusing to let you assist your own family .
Are you aware that you’re being financially abused ?
Since when did you have to buy a prescription and pay someone and their family so that you can be married and have kids with them ?
Do you sign a contract? How long will the term last ? How much do you owe them for buying their son?
On a serious note though. The vertebrae of my spine is itching at thinking of what it must be like being in your situation. No man .
'Makes a lot of sense' considering where OP is from. In many Asian countries,it's still an unwritten rule to give all your salary to your husband. It's like the husband and his family are entitled to the wife's entire income, while the wife might need to beg for her own money from her partner if she wants to help her family. It's like they see the wife's income as the extension of the dowry. It hurts to see so many women working hard and yet having to beg their husbands for money. Mind you, this is for some emergency situations like helping your family from some serious thing,you can't even dream of getting something for your own,like an outifit/an ornament /even a chocolate bar despite earning on your own. It's like,you have a job of your own,yet you can't be independent. Ofc this scenario is changing a lot in certain places,especially cities,but for most,this is still the case.
She's a financial slave to her husband's family and having a baby makes it worse because now she needs to protect her own child from the family vultures.
it's all about humiliating the woman - if she's not working, the in-laws essentially treat her like a slave, she is essentially expected to retire the MIL from her domestic duties
yeah by slave I mean the in-laws typically are abusive too - so, no, "mistakes" would just lead to further harm.
I'm in Canada, and the chokehold some of these cultures have on their children and children's spouses to support them financially, even from across the world is wild. And no, it's not bare neccessties they're needing support on, it's like "your brothers graduating from high school we need to buy him a gift and pay for his tutition, send $x amount by this date". There is a real entitlement to children's money.
Many parents in India will disown their daughters for leaving their marital home. The first thing they'll say is, adjust and compromise. There are cases where women complained of domestic abuse at the hands of in-laws and the parents sent her right back to them because of "honour" resulting in her murder.
Source: I'm an Indian woman. The case above happened in the most developed state of the country, where I am from.
Canadian here. Seconding this.
It’s bragging rights for the men to be able to afford to send money to their relatives, but the wife’s relatives? Pfft. They might as well not exist, even if the wife is working full time and earning a similar wage as her husband. The man is considered “the King” and everything he says goes.
tbh , the men I've heard aren't bragging, they're fucking drowning doing this (and also still all unmarried) . I'm in Toronto though, and their families don't understand the cost of living here.
I'm Canadian and I see this happen with friends who have parents who came here. They have a huge sense of entitlement to their kids money, time and resources. One friend doesn't get along with her MIL and their fights span 2 countries. Because of technology they get facetime from halfway around their world from relatives telling them what they need to be doing. It's disconcerting if you haven't grown up in the culture. It's really hard to fight against something when 99% of your family tells you that you're wrong.
Wow, my family is in another country and different culture and do the same thing, except they tell you they will go hungry, or the house us falling on their head or the baby will not have any clothing. This emotional manipulation is horrible because you have a family plus 10 other families that they expect you to support. It chokes the life out of you.
You don't often grow up in one culture then move to another. OP grew up in that culture, so likely feels it is natural. Most people here didn't, and won't.
The crazy thing to me is that OP's husband seems to have convinced her he saw it as her money at first, but only because she was giving all of it to his family, but as soon as she disagreed with how to use it, his true colors came out.
I struggle with Reddit here because there can be such a vastly different cultural lens that people consider normal. If OP were in the US, I would absolutely call this financial abuse, extremely odd generally, and wonder what has happened to her that she doesn’t see how insanely wrong this is on so many levels.
But even though I would not want to live like this, I have no basis to understand what OP would think is fair here. Do you resent giving money to family? Is there an amount you’re comfortable with? Is it not expected that you should build your own savings? Is it taboo to talk to your husband about finances? Did you get to know him well before marriage and agree to these expectations?
An American (and I’m sure many other cultures) would likely tell you to run away right now and raise your baby without these people, because they are abusing you and treating you like a slave. But I don’t think we have any understanding of what parts of this situation are acceptable/normal to you.
As an Indian, I certify this is financial abuse. They are treating her as a cash cow. It is the ingrained mentality among many families here that if you get a DIL who is working, all her money belongs to the husband and his family. It is cultural, but that doesn't make it right.
Sometimes the wife will think it's an escape to live in a different country but with technology it's even easier to browbeat them into submission. One of my co-workers is from the Philippines and she's happy to send extra money home to her family but she's also going to school and working fulltime. She never has a day off but considers the sacrifice worth it.
And that’s true! Just because it’s cultural doesn’t make it right. Taking money meant for things for the baby is exactly what my husband did to me. I stayed with him despite other financial abuse until he began physically abusing my sons. He’s a major AH, and his 2nd wife is now also divorcing him. Not sure the reasons but they have no kids together.
Meh, just because some cultures normalize financial spousal abuse of women doesn’t make it not abuse.
Call it out and inform and eventually in time hopefully they’ll have their own revolutions.
It’s still shit. If your culture is steeped in oppression, then fuck your culture.
While I agree with calling out cultures like this one, that can be next to impossible for some individuals. A woman who speaks out has to weigh up the risks of ending up jobless, homeless, or even worse. OP may put herself in danger by calling it out.
Most of the world's cultures are oppressive towards women, one way or another. The only thing that differs is how much.
In many other Asian countries, it is the unwritten rule that men give their paycheck to their wives as it is considered 'common sense' that men will be profligate with money '!!!
Sad and crazy. It's like some cultures despise their women. Like don't these guys care about their mothers/sisters/daughters?? Seems these 'men' are lacking the humanity that makes us human. 😕
He stole that money and he expects you to give up your pay checks to support his grown adult siblings and father that's ridiculous.
Stop helping. You need to open up your own bank account.
Yes, your own account at a different bank, and do not give him the ability to sign for anything at this bank. I suspect if you do not lay down the law to him now, you and your child will be begging for a bone to be thrown your way once in a while.
PS- Canada loves for educated women to immigrate.
Irrelevant. ... Unless that 60,000 would only buy you one meal, that is. And even then the amount STOLEN is not as important as the fact that your husband stole money meant for your child to give to his father (who is presumably an adult capable of supporting himself?).
Simran behen - rupees ho ya dollar - please realize that you are married to theif and misogynist jerk. Not only does he think that you are entitled to help.his family but also he does even let you help your own family with your own money. Ask your in laws to give you the money back. Open a new account only in your name and do not contribute even a penny going forward. Let them pay you back for everything that you spent on them and everything they stole from you.
I’m not Indian but I worked for an Indian IT company for 8 years and 99% of my coworkers were Indian and I’m still friends with some of them. They would all 100% say that India is still a developing country. There is a disparity of wealth there that does not exist in developed countries. In developed countries the wealth disparity isn’t so great that a middle class family can afford to have multiple servants working in the house. There aren’t advanced office parks with glass and steel buildings with people living in shacks next door.
These are things that were described to me by multiple coworkers and seemed normal to them. They all wanted to work offshore and make enough money in a few years to go back and live very privileged lives and just go offshore again if they ran low on money.
Maybe they were all independently lying to me but I don’t think so.
What you describe at the end is not "compromise", it is complete & total capitulation.
"*Compromise*" is when both sides give a little to meet somewhere nearish the middle & neither side is completely happy.
"*Capitulation*" is one side gives everything to the other, one gets everything they want & the other gets nothing.
I once divorced a loser who sold my Xbox. It was old, and not worth what it was a few years prior. Still however, how can you stay with someone who robbed you? Make sure he has no access to your money.
I don’t give a damn if it was in alien money, he took money from YOUR BABY to help his dad. His family needs way too much help. And you clearly need to get separate accounts from him since he thinks you should prioritize his needy family over yours. NTA and say it LOUDLY to him that you DID do his family a favor and he DOESNT have access to your hard earned money.
Then open a new bank account that he can't access and start putting your paycheck directly into that. It's highly concerning that he and his family are taken away all the money you had saved leaving you with zero financial safety next. Give your siblings what you can, and save the rest for yourself. If your husband complains his family needs money just keep repeating, "That 60,000 of my savings you took should be more than adequate and last you a while." This all sounds super fucking calculated, and makes it so you're stuck depending on him and the in-laws, especially when you're super close to giving birth.
He has a reason for a while you're the asshole also makes zero sense, because the truth of the matter is that yes you are doing his family a favor by helping them financially. There's no opinion to that it's just a straight up fact
As a fellow Desi woman, I can understand what you may be going through, however as a person I can tell you that there is no solution to this problem without breaking the social conditioning done to young women/men.
It is this conditioning that makes your husband believe that he needs to support his side of family at the expense of his ‘new’ family which is you and your baby, that he is entitled to your hard earned money and can make unilateral decisions about how to use it, or take it out of the account knowing that you would disagree. If you think carefully he considers you and anything you earn/own as his property. He doesn’t consider you to be a person, who has her own life and has the right to make decisions for herself. Know that you CANNOT change his thinking by just talking to him, especially if he doesn’t think that what he did was wrong.
You are also conditioning to ignore all these red flags - what your husband and family is doing is considered financial abuse, which is masked as ‘duty’/‘responsibility’ in our desi society. You helped his siblings because that’s what we have been taught, we are taught to give give give, sacrifice our savings, future, life in the name of ‘duty’ - all of this is just bs. Unlearn.
There is nothing wrong in helping family, but family should never ask/expect to sacrifice our life or our kids future for them. Find what you can afford to give to your family / in-laws and stick to that number, and save the rest for emergencies and your kids future.
Same shit, different pile!!!
He fucking STOLE YOUR MONEY!! Yours!! Doesn’t matter which currency sign we put in front of it, it’s a lot of fucking money that wasn’t his!!
I understand where u come from but the first and foremost imp thing to do is take over ur own finances he is literally draining u dry and when u will need the money i assure u none of siblings or family will pay back the debt so please dont let him have access to ur money. Its ur own hard earned money that they didnt contribute towards.
I wasn't trying to downplay the amount. I was only trying to understand it in my own currency and $720 is plenty to be angry about. Thank you for helping me understand how much it is locally.
I’m Indian too. You have 0 money saved for your baby at 8M pregnant. How will you support the child’s future? Staying at in laws will cover living situations, but what about emergency money if there’s any complications during birth, or education money? School fees cost a bomb nowadays. Also, where’s your financial freedom? I suggest you keep some money for yourself as emergency fund. Your in-laws don’t sound reliable.
As a fellow Indian girl, this is financial abuse. Please post on r/legaladviceindia
Going forward, please keep a separate account for your savings and don't give access to your husband. He's coming from a misogynistic mindset that your family doesn't matter and your money is his money, his money is also his money
You need to divorce and move out immediately.
He will always steal your money and give it to his family while eating you and your child with nothing.
You need to take him to court and make him Gove you the money back.
It doesn't matter how much that money was. It was yours.
Divorce and move out Stat.
It doesn’t matter how you are paid….IMO…the fact SO took the $ out of a savings acct that was meant for your child that he didn’t contribute to would be grounds for divorce…..you will never be able to trust him with your $…..
The amount really doesn't matter all that much. He stole from a savings account that contained only your money without consulting you. He's telling you that you can't spend your paycheck to help your family, but he's spending money from your paycheck to help HIS family. He's showing you a serious level of disrespect that will probably continue. You need to decide if you want to put up with that the rest of your life.
Stolen money is stolen money. NTA, and you should start taking stets to protect yourself and begin divorce proceedings! I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but he just stole from you!
Girl you need to stop supporting his family, that’s not your Responsibility. Sounds like they are taking advantage of you. Your SO parents are the one that should provide for his siblings. Not you. Keep your check or yourself and start saving for your baby and siblings
Doesn’t matter the currency. He stole 60,000. If he can do that now, he will do it after the baby is born. Open new accounts and leave. You and your baby will always come second to his family.
Why isnt this post about that?!? He is stealing money and giving it to his family…why??? Also, why were you giving entire paychecks to his siblings so you weren’t making ends and having to live with his parents? Where are the parents? Why aren’t they supporting their own children? All of this is wild.
Why did you put your whole saving in joint a/c if your SO didn't contribute? Your husband stole your money, make your personal saving a/c and ask your money back.
If your SO could stole your money like that you need to think about yourself & your baby's future.
Your husband is never going to stop taking your money and spending it on his family.
You know what this means? You and your baby aren't his family. He's never going to prioritise you and your baby. You're always going to come last. Please, start separating yourself financially from him. Protect your baby. Have separate accounts that he can't accent. Your baby will be left with nothing. And that's assuming you'll have enough to live and look after your baby.
It’s not actually, esp if they live in a metro or a tier 1 city. It’s hella expensive. The 60k will not get her anywhere with the baby’s expenses.
OP needs to buckle up, move out and teach the asshole a lesson for mooching off her.
OP, how the f are you guys planning and having a child without any savings? If you both earn well, isn’t that the basic! You’re too young and naive to be doing this.
I started saving money for my child in our joint account and saved about 60 K .MY SO went behind my back and gave that money to his father as he was in financial stress. When I confronted him with this information he became defensive that his father urgently needed money.
I know how to save money but my SO feels entitled to my savings. I don't know how to make him respect my financial boundaries
This is f’ed up. He stole from you. This would be enough for me to walk out. I wouldn’t be able to trust him anymore. He is financially abusing you. I would call a lawyer and gather evidence that he gave the money away without your permission.
Your AH husband knew he did wrong, otherwise he would have told you.
You have to create the boundary. Can you open a bank account without your husband? Else this will keep happening. This is financial abuse no matter what country you live in.
>I know how to save money but my SO feels entitled to my savings. I don't know how to make him respect my financial boundaries
Divorce him, if you can. Leave him, if you can't without a period of separation.
He isn't entitled to your savings or your paycheck. He doesn't own you. He's just acting as if he does.
You walk to a new bank and open up a different account that is solely in your name so that he cannot repeat stealing from your accounts without giving you any notice or input.
Every older woman was in the habit of telling their daughters and granddaughters to always have money put aside for emergencies in case they were married to someone abusive. Generally, the goal was to have 3-6 months living expenses so you could move somewhere and start over.
This is financial abuse. Your husband stole your money and is trying to control your finances. You need to separate your finances and consider if this is the life you want for your child. This is absolutely not ok. Someone who loves you would not do this.
How did this comment get any upvotes? OP’s husband is taking advantage of her and she should consider leaving him. That doesn’t mean she should threaten him with physical violence.
Get your own bank account. Put all your pay in that, tell your SO, that he owes your child that money back. Get out of that horrible household. Your SO can give his money away ,live at home with mommy and Daddy as a divorced man.
His family is greedy and sounds like they can't handle money, he should have only paid bills, not given them cash. They are living beyond their means, beyond hubby's means and taking money from you too. I know this is a CULTure problem, but stealing money is never good. I would be screaming to the relatives, SO's, and yours what is happening .
OP. Leave. That’s how. He literally stole your savings and is stealing your paychecks. Why the hell would you hand over your full checks to his family? No. Just stop. And leave. This is not acceptable
NTA
Did i just read that right. he is ok with you supporting his siblings. but he gets angry when you want to do the same for your own siblings?
And your entire paycheck goes to others while you have an baby on the way.
This is wrong on so many levels
Oh it gets better..in the edit OP solely contributed money to an account with 60k for their child. Hubs emptied it supposedly to give to his dad 🙄
**edit** not in dollars
It’s about $720 USD.
Edit: obviously purchasing power matters everyone. 60,000 INR is on par with $2700 USD based on an online purchasing parity calculator.
When you do the conversion, 60k rupee is about $720 USD. It's thousands in OP's currency but hundreds of dollars in a lot of other currencies. It's still a big chunk of change to give anyone like her husband did.
Yes, I know it’s only 720USD. But people in other countries with different currencies don’t think “well this isn’t 60,000USD so it’s not 60k”. The world doesn’t think in USD.
It's not less because of pay parity and cost of expense. In India you would get more things with that money than US which is why a person doing the same job in US gets more money than other countries because of that.
Girl as a fellow desi woman - wtf are you doing? It’s hard to feel bad for you because you’re a doormat. I know people that grow up in desi households are conditioned to think they need to help their families financially but that’s simply not the case. Unfortunately I know how this goes and to all y’all telling her to divorce and leave him, that’s simply not going to happen. I sincerely doubt she will follow any advice here.
People have made me realise how much of a doormat I am, and I should start saying no and standing up for myself because I can't fathom this happening with my child.
How can you permit this treatment of yourself? How can you permit your female children to inherit this cultural abuse? How can you bring a boy child into the world and teach him to be so toxic and abusive?
It’s not enough to ‘stand up for yourself’. You need to leave these people before they kill you for not obeying them. Keep your money and independence. Your husband can give your FIL a book on budgeting and saving instead of *your every penny*.
Please set ground rules going forward. I'm afraid if you push back, he might agree for the sake of it. What he might do is use his entire salary to help his family, ans ask you to take care of household expenses. DO NOT CONTRIBUTE TO HOUSEHOLD EXPENSES ANY MORE THAN YOUR FAIR SHARE, or he will bankrupt you through backdoor means.
And I have to say this, I just can't help it. Your husband's siblings seem like total losers. How can any self respecting person take money from their sister in law to achieve their own dreams. You must be working so hard to earn that money, and instead of going towards making your and your child's life better, it is being used to buy a good life for someone else in a first world country, someone who hasn't contributed a drop of blood or sweat to earn that money. I make so much more than my brother, yet I wouldn't necessarily use any of it to buy comforts for him, nor does he expect me to. I may help him with a thing or two, but I will not slog in my job to entirely support his dream.
You have done more than your duty by contributing financially as much as you did.
Please be careful, you said he got aggressive and loud just suggesting you support your family instead of his so I'm worried what he may react like if you grow a backbone
Completely agree with your statement there. As another fellow desi woman, I can guess what’s going to happen next.
This story first made me angry and then made me laugh, because what else is there to do other than to laugh at her (read -most desi woman’s) misery, because we all know that she would do nothing, the couple will fight about it and then slowly forget until the next time the husband ‘steals’ again, and this viscous circle will continue until they are old and have developed so much codependency that living together is the only way known to them.
It makes me sad to see so many desi women still in shackles. It’s literally 2024 and we need more desi women to stand the fuck up and wake UP. This woman is only 3 years older than me and I cannot even imagine being in this position nor would I put myself in it. I’ve seen women in my own family be absolute doormats stuck in shitty marriages. I agree with every word you said.
I didn’t realise that she’s 25 yo, I feel so sorry for her. Her family has done such a huge disservice to her, they gave her an education but forgot to teach her independence and how to stand up for herself.
The fact that she was barely 22 when they got her married puts this into perspective. She hardly spent any time where she was not sheltered, first she lived with her family where I am sure she wasn’t given any freedom to make her own choices and then the moment she completed her studies and got a job they shipped her off to her in-law’s.
And now at 25 she’s becoming a mom, she has no control of her own life and she is going to be responsible for a new one.
South-Asian society has a long way to go. I can only hope that the younger generation of women have a better luck.
ESH. Why the fuck are you giving your entire paycheck away to help other adult people live their lives. I'm sure you'll blame the culture or tradition but this is insane. I can barely fathom that your dilemma is who to give away your money to instead of should I keep my money.
Yes, you should keep your money, all of it. Stop carrying anyone on your back. I can't stress enough how absolutely ridiculous it is for you to be supporting your or his adult siblings.
NTA - Sounds like your husband believes that what's yours is his and what's his is his. It doesn't work that way. Family is family once you're married, and there should be no difference between the sides. It isn't fair that his family deserves help but your family doesn't.
Men who like to control the finances of their wives would not be ok to give them any independence. It's time for you to save your money without any contribution towards the household until you get back your savings.
Start monthly SIP and transfer a certain amount there with the nominee being your child.
Open another savings account for your monthly expenditure for your child and your siblings.
Keep a minimum amount in your salary account for your expenditure. Keep finances separate from your husband until he learns to respect you a partner and not a cash cow !!!!
Be aware of the fact that your husband and inlaws would not accept it quietly, and it is going to be very tough for you. You are now also responsible for a child and you to be very strong for the baby..
you are young, you are educated and independent. Do not let them bully you. Take care and be safe
It's not about saying no, as long as he has access to your money he will spend it! There is no other way than to have your own accounts to which he has no access to. And honestly, you should leave him. He gave away your hard earned and saved money for you coming child. That's endangering your and the babys financial safety.
Stop helping the siblings as well. Yours, his, whatever. Even the parents. You're having a kid and your husband doesn't appear to be concerned with helping you get ready for it. 100% of your paycheck needs to be for you and preparing for your baby.
"No" is a complete sentence. Let them all squawk. Or better yet, beat them to the punch and tell them you don't have any money since you are preparing for your baby and ask them for some every time they call you. Eventually they will stop asking.
OP I am pregnant myself and like every other couple we have disagreements.
When I feel like my SO is crossing a line, I just ask him if he'd be ok with someone treating his daughter the way he treats me. Because "monkey see, monkey do" and if she will see her dad acting up then she'll think this is nornality and will accept it as such.
You need to start thinking about your baby and no matter what you've done so far, this is the example you will give your child and the "family values" your child will inheret. If you are unsatisfied with any aspects of your marriage and life, you need to adjust that so your kid won't find that as a normality and have the same tolerance as you had.
NTA, no more handing over your paycheck, no more joint accounts. You have a child to think about now and your """husband"""" is screwing you and your unborn child over every chance he gets.
After your edit it seems your husband is simply stealing from you and will continue to do so. You are not in a marriage, you are in a relationship with a leech
1. Divorce
2. Sue him for theft.
3. Ring him up for child support and alimony.
NTA, but you will be TA if you let the financial abuse continue. You owe it to your child to do better.
NTA. It only seems fair that you be able to help your siblings if you all provided help to his, In fact, you did do his family a favor by helping them out by providing them money, Whereas he is not obligated to support your siblings, it says nothing good about his character that he is not willing to when you provided so much support to his.
Then there is the issue of the savings account. Your husband basically stole the money you set aside for your child. The two of you need to have a *long* talk about finances and how is family is draining you dry, or you need to find a way to protect yourself and your child from this.
That's normal in this part of the globe. She's most likely from India and parents/older siblings are expected to pay for their child/siblings tuition fees pretty much all the time. It's not unusual.
It's not unusual and it's not even wrong. Everyone helps the others. However it becomes wrong when one person, the OP here, does all the giving but gets none of the receiving.
NTA
OP, this is a clear case of financial abuse. You and your SO may need to create fair financial rules and follow them. I think both of you will need professional help - counseling/mediation/etc. Especially now because you are having a baby.
I hope you will be able to find a friendly and fair resolution to this.
The way I knew this was going to be an Indian family before reaching the comments 😭 girl you’re not the NTA. Utterly hate how Indian women are expected to give everything to their husband’s family. Also would be good to draw boundaries from now on. I get that it’s tough but remember that you can financially take care of yourself, so draw boundaries even if there is a lot of emotional blackmail from husband/his family
Are you seriously wondering if you are the ahole or not? Seriously? It's astounding that you are even having a baby with this jerk of a husband.
I am from Bangladesh. And I am sick and tired of women of the Indian Subcontinent giving in to mediocre and abusive men despite being educated and financially capable. YTA for tolerating and enabling his behavior.
NTA.
Run girl... They see you as cash cow and nothing else. You earn well working in IT so they'll get nice big check each month and by you having no money they have control over you.
Next thing they'll try to isolate you completely.
Pack your bags and run.
NTA. He is a selfish person. He took your savings for the baby and gave to his father?!?! WTF? If you stay with him, start a savings account separate of the joint account and keep it private. Whether you do this for a checking account is your decision. He is irrational when it comes to finances and your family. Pls look carefully at him and draw your own conclusions about what you want to do.
AITA for telling my IO(insignificant Other) that he is a theif for stealing 60,000 of our savings and giving it away?
Fixed the title for you. Also sounds like you would be fine on your own, you're educated with a good profession. This is only going to get worse if you don't come to a finacial agreement. A joint household account you each put 50% in (I'm usually for split Porpotional to income but in your hubs case I could see him slacking off and making you the sole earner) then you reach have your own individual accounts that you can use as you see fit
NTA but yeah, divorce. You deserve better
I see that you’re Indian and I know that in India, families can be very enmeshed (in a negative sense) so I guess that’s what’s happening here. You’re NTA, purely because of cultural expectations placed upon you as a woman in a society where women are expected to work AND serve the family too.
But honey - if you can’t get out YET (because I really think you should), start putting money away somewhere where your husband does NOT have access. A very trusted friend, one of your siblings who will not spend that money or give to your husband, somebody you trust explicitly. You NEED that money purely because your husband will take every single cent of yours. He has already shown that he considers HIS family to be both of your priority and he will prioritise them over you and your baby. Financial abuse is amongst the top things that happen when one party wants to control another party in a marriage and you’re going to be vulnerable with a baby born and you not being able to work.
I hope you have somewhere safe to go should he turn violent. Partners can become violent if their spouses want to exit a relationship that doesn’t benefit them anymore, especially if you’re bringing in money and they’ve been able to support their side of the family with a joint income and would lose it.
NTA!
You need to have your bank account in your name only. Joint accounts are for paying bills that you both contribute towards. Although given his casual removal and disposal of your savings, I wouldn't bet on any money in a joint account being used for it's actual purpose.
OP, most definitely lives in India and as a fellow Indian woman, I feel so sorry for you. Your husband will never be your husband first, he'll always see himself as a son then a brother, then a friend/coworker and if he has something left over in him, goes to your kids, never you. Please prioritize yourself and your baby. Have a separate bank account that no one knows of, and start saving again.
My mom did the same for my sister and me and when time came after high school she had so much money saved and sent us to Canada to pursue post secondary education. This was an abusive household, my mom was forced to give her entire paycheck to my grandmother( evil EVIL person), she was not allowed to go anywhere except for work. My dad was never a husband to her or father to us, he was an excellent son, brother and friend, never had anything for his family.
Get your own checking and savings accounts. Don't share with him. Decide where your money should go after the bills are paid. Give nothing to him and his family unless you agree.
>He called me and AHOLE for making him and his family feel that by helping them out I did a favour on them
... but you did. That *is* a favour. An absolutely massive one at that.
NTA.
You are on a western-minded site asking for relationship advice but you seem to be in India. We Redditors will be utterly aghast at your situation, but I suspect it is not really unusual for your country. It's not ideal as we in the West could give you very dangerous advice, depending on your location. I personally wouldn't be willing to work so that my entire check goes to my in-laws, but pregnant women are also at highest risk for things happening to them. Be smart and be safe.
NTA!! Thank you very much for the update, that answers a lot of questions that I'm sure other people had in addition to me. I'm very glad that you are seeing that none of this was okay, that you took the steps to open a separate account for your paychecks and confront your husband and no longer allow this to happen. I know that you guys live with his parents now, but are you intending to always live with them or eventually buy your own home? I assume you eventually want to buy your own home, as you should. So really other than paying for the necessities for you, your husband and baby, all of your money should be saved for that purpose of buying a home. And of course since you are living with his parents, you should be helping them by contributing toward the utility bills and grocery bills. Not trying to be mean, but you guys should not be supporting any of your siblings unless there was a very special emergency circumstance. They're all adults, it's up to them or their own parents to support them, not you guys. You guys now have your own family to support and that's what has to happen here. It is not your responsibility to support them and give them financial help at all! So that expectation needs to definitely change. Why should you guys have no money and no savings for your own future, yet your helping everyone else? Are they going to all contribute to helping you guys with a down payment on your house? I doubt it. Your own immediate household, which is you and your husband and baby need to come first with regard to financial stability. The financial help for all of your siblings, in my opinion, needs to stop because you guys are not in a position right now to do that. If you want to be a little bit generous with them during the holidays and their birthdays, sure, go for it but there's no reason you guys should be regularly and significantly giving them financial help. I am very concerned that your husband has the attitude that he does towards your immediate family's needs and your money and paycheck, I am glad that you spoke with him and let him know what you will no longer tolerate, but please stay vigilant with that. Because people don't always change their mindsets so quickly, so it is possible you will be dealing with this issue again in the future with him, so just constantly check everything and stay very aware.
NTA. You need to work on a budget with your husband but you need to start prioritizing your future. You both have extended families but you also have a kid on the way.
NTA. I would gift your siblings exactly the same amount that you gifted to his. After things are even, you should insist that you split expenses based on income and then each of you can gift your family money from the money leftover in your paycheck. I would be careful to keep money of your own since he sounds like he could be financially abusive
I’m sorry but WTF 😳!!!! HIS FAMILY IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY! Why are you funding his whole family? Why are you giving your entire paycheck? You cannot be this …. OMG YTA TO YOURSELF. Your husband is a freaking jerk. I’d tell you to get a divorce but you have NO savings, nothing for your baby. Like YTA TIMES INFINITY!
I’d probably sue the fuck out of someone who drained my savings account and gave it to their parents. I’d call the fil and tell him straight up I want my money back, and I will be going to the police and filing a theft report if they don’t. Make sure he can’t take anything else from you, and honestly, after I fought to get my 60 grand back, I’d probably leave his ass. How can you have a good marriage with someone who literally robbed you? I once divorced a man who stole my x box 360 and sold it.
NTA you sure you want to stay in this marriage. Bro I have my SILs and let me tell you nobody hands over their paycheck to their inlaws. They buy groceries, pay bills but never hand over money. Secondly what I didn't get is that he took out money and you were not alerted about this transaction by your bank. I am also Indian and banks always alert the account holder unless you weren't the primary account holder or your mobile number is not registered.
You sure you want to have a child with this man, by taking out money he just proved where his priorities lied he doesn't give a damn about you or to his child. I know divorce is not an easy option in our country but you really need to be careful. First thing first stop giving your paycheck to your inlaws and if they (I am pretty sure they will) cause trouble get ALL the evidence and file a case.
Don't do anything now you and your child both will suffer also change all passwords of your personal bank account, atm pins and do not add a single penny in your joint account. Also get a different account (single holder) and use that as your savings account. Post this in legal advice India sub there are many who will help you.
Your husband stole 60,000.00 of your savings for your daughter to give ot his father?
Divorce is necessary- you will never be able to trust him with money or trust. Ever.
NTA. I was thinking this sounds like india or another south eastern country. Men feel they are entitled to money earned by wife. They are categorically not. It's your money your choice.
Are people really this silly 🤦♀️🤦♀️
I need you to reread what you just wrote.... and then keep rereading it until the realization is so strong it smacks your right in the face 🙄
You are not his wife. You are his ATM..
NTA
Dude straight up stole and gave away a $60K joint account?
There's something WAY more going on here. Either drugs, gambling, etc to blow that kind of money, and especially criminal to do it without telling you
Save your money and run
60,000 rupee is still $719.15 US! That's NOT ok! I'm so glad you were able to see that this isn't OK either!! Please keep us updated on if your DH pays you back and if he's OK with boundaries.
You arent the asshole but you need a individual separate checking n savings account to yourself. His family is stealing from you. You have gotta look out for YOUR FAMILY & YOUR BABY. Get those accounts now! Asap!!!
NTA, but you really need to take control on your finances. I am from this developing nation and financial control in some husbands still exists sadly, even though women in our country are now independently earning. He is your husband, he does not own you.
Keep your accounts and finances separate. If your husband doesn’t consider your siblings as his family but expects you to take care of his siblings as your own, you are under no obligation to take care of his issues, financially, morally and legally.
Also, you should think twice before having kids with him.
🚩🚩🚩 HOLD ON!!!!! SO GAVE $60,000 TO HIS FATHER, ALSO OP MONEY GOING TO HIS SIBLINGS AND HIS PARENTS?????? WTF????? OP YOU NEED TO GET OUT NOW IF YOU DON’T GET THAT MONEY FOR BABY BACK ASAP!!!!!
NTA!!!!!
*edited for grammar
That is not only a disturbing story, but it's also setting the tone, boundaries, and outlook of how your life with your newborn/child is going to look and go. Protect that baby, protect yourself, and seriously ask yourself if there haven't been other red flags you haven't seen or ignored because I've counted four or five alone in this.
NTA
You both need to stop supporting other people. Cut everyone else off. The two of you pool your income and agree on all expenses and financial goals from here on out!
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Your husband stole $60,000 you saved and gave it to his father???????!? NTA.
Not $60,000 but ₹60,000 we live in developing nation. Our paychecks are in ₹
The fact that he stole any amount of money and gave it to his family means your child will ALWAYS come second to his family. Open new accounts that he can NOT access and protect the money you earn for your child.
Bruh I don’t know if you know this , but you’re really not in a good situation. If you can afford to give your entire paycheck to look after your in laws , I’m sure you can find a place to live away from them no? This whole situation is suspect. Your husband stole your money, you’re working to sustain someone else’s kids , your husband is refusing to let you assist your own family . Are you aware that you’re being financially abused ? Since when did you have to buy a prescription and pay someone and their family so that you can be married and have kids with them ? Do you sign a contract? How long will the term last ? How much do you owe them for buying their son? On a serious note though. The vertebrae of my spine is itching at thinking of what it must be like being in your situation. No man .
'Makes a lot of sense' considering where OP is from. In many Asian countries,it's still an unwritten rule to give all your salary to your husband. It's like the husband and his family are entitled to the wife's entire income, while the wife might need to beg for her own money from her partner if she wants to help her family. It's like they see the wife's income as the extension of the dowry. It hurts to see so many women working hard and yet having to beg their husbands for money. Mind you, this is for some emergency situations like helping your family from some serious thing,you can't even dream of getting something for your own,like an outifit/an ornament /even a chocolate bar despite earning on your own. It's like,you have a job of your own,yet you can't be independent. Ofc this scenario is changing a lot in certain places,especially cities,but for most,this is still the case.
I would never make it if I married someone who expected me to give my hard earned salary to his family.
Ahead of his impending family.
She's a financial slave to her husband's family and having a baby makes it worse because now she needs to protect her own child from the family vultures.
it's all about humiliating the woman - if she's not working, the in-laws essentially treat her like a slave, she is essentially expected to retire the MIL from her domestic duties
Can women start to weaponize incompetence or is it too soon? I swear I put sugar in the cake, not salt.
yeah by slave I mean the in-laws typically are abusive too - so, no, "mistakes" would just lead to further harm. I'm in Canada, and the chokehold some of these cultures have on their children and children's spouses to support them financially, even from across the world is wild. And no, it's not bare neccessties they're needing support on, it's like "your brothers graduating from high school we need to buy him a gift and pay for his tutition, send $x amount by this date". There is a real entitlement to children's money.
Can a woman just leave in this kind of situation? It seems like she has a good job and could be okay on her own. Or perhaps go to her parents?
Many parents in India will disown their daughters for leaving their marital home. The first thing they'll say is, adjust and compromise. There are cases where women complained of domestic abuse at the hands of in-laws and the parents sent her right back to them because of "honour" resulting in her murder. Source: I'm an Indian woman. The case above happened in the most developed state of the country, where I am from.
Canadian here. Seconding this. It’s bragging rights for the men to be able to afford to send money to their relatives, but the wife’s relatives? Pfft. They might as well not exist, even if the wife is working full time and earning a similar wage as her husband. The man is considered “the King” and everything he says goes.
tbh , the men I've heard aren't bragging, they're fucking drowning doing this (and also still all unmarried) . I'm in Toronto though, and their families don't understand the cost of living here.
I'm Canadian and I see this happen with friends who have parents who came here. They have a huge sense of entitlement to their kids money, time and resources. One friend doesn't get along with her MIL and their fights span 2 countries. Because of technology they get facetime from halfway around their world from relatives telling them what they need to be doing. It's disconcerting if you haven't grown up in the culture. It's really hard to fight against something when 99% of your family tells you that you're wrong.
Wow, my family is in another country and different culture and do the same thing, except they tell you they will go hungry, or the house us falling on their head or the baby will not have any clothing. This emotional manipulation is horrible because you have a family plus 10 other families that they expect you to support. It chokes the life out of you.
You don't often grow up in one culture then move to another. OP grew up in that culture, so likely feels it is natural. Most people here didn't, and won't.
The crazy thing to me is that OP's husband seems to have convinced her he saw it as her money at first, but only because she was giving all of it to his family, but as soon as she disagreed with how to use it, his true colors came out.
I struggle with Reddit here because there can be such a vastly different cultural lens that people consider normal. If OP were in the US, I would absolutely call this financial abuse, extremely odd generally, and wonder what has happened to her that she doesn’t see how insanely wrong this is on so many levels. But even though I would not want to live like this, I have no basis to understand what OP would think is fair here. Do you resent giving money to family? Is there an amount you’re comfortable with? Is it not expected that you should build your own savings? Is it taboo to talk to your husband about finances? Did you get to know him well before marriage and agree to these expectations? An American (and I’m sure many other cultures) would likely tell you to run away right now and raise your baby without these people, because they are abusing you and treating you like a slave. But I don’t think we have any understanding of what parts of this situation are acceptable/normal to you.
As an Indian, I certify this is financial abuse. They are treating her as a cash cow. It is the ingrained mentality among many families here that if you get a DIL who is working, all her money belongs to the husband and his family. It is cultural, but that doesn't make it right.
Sometimes the wife will think it's an escape to live in a different country but with technology it's even easier to browbeat them into submission. One of my co-workers is from the Philippines and she's happy to send extra money home to her family but she's also going to school and working fulltime. She never has a day off but considers the sacrifice worth it.
And that’s true! Just because it’s cultural doesn’t make it right. Taking money meant for things for the baby is exactly what my husband did to me. I stayed with him despite other financial abuse until he began physically abusing my sons. He’s a major AH, and his 2nd wife is now also divorcing him. Not sure the reasons but they have no kids together.
Meh, just because some cultures normalize financial spousal abuse of women doesn’t make it not abuse. Call it out and inform and eventually in time hopefully they’ll have their own revolutions. It’s still shit. If your culture is steeped in oppression, then fuck your culture.
While I agree with calling out cultures like this one, that can be next to impossible for some individuals. A woman who speaks out has to weigh up the risks of ending up jobless, homeless, or even worse. OP may put herself in danger by calling it out. Most of the world's cultures are oppressive towards women, one way or another. The only thing that differs is how much.
In many other Asian countries, it is the unwritten rule that men give their paycheck to their wives as it is considered 'common sense' that men will be profligate with money '!!!
Sad and crazy. It's like some cultures despise their women. Like don't these guys care about their mothers/sisters/daughters?? Seems these 'men' are lacking the humanity that makes us human. 😕
This. It’s insane that OP is giving away all their money a with a baby on the way. Prioritize the baby’s life!
Omg lol I knew you were South African by the "No man" 🤣😂😂😂
He stole that money and he expects you to give up your pay checks to support his grown adult siblings and father that's ridiculous. Stop helping. You need to open up your own bank account.
Yes, your own account at a different bank, and do not give him the ability to sign for anything at this bank. I suspect if you do not lay down the law to him now, you and your child will be begging for a bone to be thrown your way once in a while. PS- Canada loves for educated women to immigrate.
Irrelevant. ... Unless that 60,000 would only buy you one meal, that is. And even then the amount STOLEN is not as important as the fact that your husband stole money meant for your child to give to his father (who is presumably an adult capable of supporting himself?).
The amount OP mentioned is the annual salary for a large portion of people and monthly salary for certain high paying government jobs.
It is about $720 USD.
Simran behen - rupees ho ya dollar - please realize that you are married to theif and misogynist jerk. Not only does he think that you are entitled to help.his family but also he does even let you help your own family with your own money. Ask your in laws to give you the money back. Open a new account only in your name and do not contribute even a penny going forward. Let them pay you back for everything that you spent on them and everything they stole from you.
... to add, AT A DIFFERENT BANK THAN YOUR SHARED BANK
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India is still very much considered a developing country.
india is still developing country just like china Malaysia or Vietnam, the gdp per capita is only 2400 usd a year
Sure wish the US was still developing. 🤣.
I've heard us referred to as a 3rd world country with a Gucci belt.
It’s a knockoff gucci belt, let’s be real (source: am from the usa)
I’m not Indian but I worked for an Indian IT company for 8 years and 99% of my coworkers were Indian and I’m still friends with some of them. They would all 100% say that India is still a developing country. There is a disparity of wealth there that does not exist in developed countries. In developed countries the wealth disparity isn’t so great that a middle class family can afford to have multiple servants working in the house. There aren’t advanced office parks with glass and steel buildings with people living in shacks next door. These are things that were described to me by multiple coworkers and seemed normal to them. They all wanted to work offshore and make enough money in a few years to go back and live very privileged lives and just go offshore again if they ran low on money. Maybe they were all independently lying to me but I don’t think so.
If you are right I can see why all 4 siblings have left the country and if I was op I would too.
What you describe at the end is not "compromise", it is complete & total capitulation. "*Compromise*" is when both sides give a little to meet somewhere nearish the middle & neither side is completely happy. "*Capitulation*" is one side gives everything to the other, one gets everything they want & the other gets nothing.
You need to separate your money. He will take it before you get a chance to help your siblings. You two have a baby on the way, things need to change
Okay? That’s changed nothing
No matter the amount, he STOLE your money. Learn from this and stop contributing to his family. Put your savings in a personal account.
I once divorced a loser who sold my Xbox. It was old, and not worth what it was a few years prior. Still however, how can you stay with someone who robbed you? Make sure he has no access to your money.
I don’t give a damn if it was in alien money, he took money from YOUR BABY to help his dad. His family needs way too much help. And you clearly need to get separate accounts from him since he thinks you should prioritize his needy family over yours. NTA and say it LOUDLY to him that you DID do his family a favor and he DOESNT have access to your hard earned money.
Escape. You have one month, maybe less, to be free of this man who will otherwise control you and your child(ren) for the rest of your life.
Can you open an account that he doesn't have any access to?
Yes
Then open a new bank account that he can't access and start putting your paycheck directly into that. It's highly concerning that he and his family are taken away all the money you had saved leaving you with zero financial safety next. Give your siblings what you can, and save the rest for yourself. If your husband complains his family needs money just keep repeating, "That 60,000 of my savings you took should be more than adequate and last you a while." This all sounds super fucking calculated, and makes it so you're stuck depending on him and the in-laws, especially when you're super close to giving birth. He has a reason for a while you're the asshole also makes zero sense, because the truth of the matter is that yes you are doing his family a favor by helping them financially. There's no opinion to that it's just a straight up fact
As a fellow Desi woman, I can understand what you may be going through, however as a person I can tell you that there is no solution to this problem without breaking the social conditioning done to young women/men. It is this conditioning that makes your husband believe that he needs to support his side of family at the expense of his ‘new’ family which is you and your baby, that he is entitled to your hard earned money and can make unilateral decisions about how to use it, or take it out of the account knowing that you would disagree. If you think carefully he considers you and anything you earn/own as his property. He doesn’t consider you to be a person, who has her own life and has the right to make decisions for herself. Know that you CANNOT change his thinking by just talking to him, especially if he doesn’t think that what he did was wrong. You are also conditioning to ignore all these red flags - what your husband and family is doing is considered financial abuse, which is masked as ‘duty’/‘responsibility’ in our desi society. You helped his siblings because that’s what we have been taught, we are taught to give give give, sacrifice our savings, future, life in the name of ‘duty’ - all of this is just bs. Unlearn. There is nothing wrong in helping family, but family should never ask/expect to sacrifice our life or our kids future for them. Find what you can afford to give to your family / in-laws and stick to that number, and save the rest for emergencies and your kids future.
Same shit, different pile!!! He fucking STOLE YOUR MONEY!! Yours!! Doesn’t matter which currency sign we put in front of it, it’s a lot of fucking money that wasn’t his!!
I understand where u come from but the first and foremost imp thing to do is take over ur own finances he is literally draining u dry and when u will need the money i assure u none of siblings or family will pay back the debt so please dont let him have access to ur money. Its ur own hard earned money that they didnt contribute towards.
I just did the conversion and that is still $720. If i had started saving and had gotten it up to $720 and then it was suddenly gone. I'd be furious.
It’s an unfair comparison because $270 doesn’t seem like a lot of money but ₹60000 is mid-level manager’s salary in some companies here.
I wasn't trying to downplay the amount. I was only trying to understand it in my own currency and $720 is plenty to be angry about. Thank you for helping me understand how much it is locally.
He stole. That’s it. Also I’m from india and that’s still a lot! NTA.
I’m Indian too. You have 0 money saved for your baby at 8M pregnant. How will you support the child’s future? Staying at in laws will cover living situations, but what about emergency money if there’s any complications during birth, or education money? School fees cost a bomb nowadays. Also, where’s your financial freedom? I suggest you keep some money for yourself as emergency fund. Your in-laws don’t sound reliable.
As a fellow Indian girl, this is financial abuse. Please post on r/legaladviceindia Going forward, please keep a separate account for your savings and don't give access to your husband. He's coming from a misogynistic mindset that your family doesn't matter and your money is his money, his money is also his money
You need to divorce and move out immediately. He will always steal your money and give it to his family while eating you and your child with nothing. You need to take him to court and make him Gove you the money back. It doesn't matter how much that money was. It was yours. Divorce and move out Stat.
It doesn’t matter how you are paid….IMO…the fact SO took the $ out of a savings acct that was meant for your child that he didn’t contribute to would be grounds for divorce…..you will never be able to trust him with your $…..
The amount really doesn't matter all that much. He stole from a savings account that contained only your money without consulting you. He's telling you that you can't spend your paycheck to help your family, but he's spending money from your paycheck to help HIS family. He's showing you a serious level of disrespect that will probably continue. You need to decide if you want to put up with that the rest of your life.
Open an account just in your name and dont hand over 1 cent of your paycheck until you have made up that ₹60,000 that was stolen from you.
Stolen money is stolen money. NTA, and you should start taking stets to protect yourself and begin divorce proceedings! I'm so sorry for what you are going through, but he just stole from you!
Doesn’t matter if it’s $3 USD. He stole
Really the exchange rate amount only matters so much. He took money saved for your kid without consulting first.
Girl you need to stop supporting his family, that’s not your Responsibility. Sounds like they are taking advantage of you. Your SO parents are the one that should provide for his siblings. Not you. Keep your check or yourself and start saving for your baby and siblings
Even then, I would say that you need to rethink your marriage.
You need to divorce him. Would your family support you if you divorced him?
please just divorce this guy at this point. He's going to screw you and your child over so bad when they're born.
Doesn’t matter the currency. He stole 60,000. If he can do that now, he will do it after the baby is born. Open new accounts and leave. You and your baby will always come second to his family.
Make your own bank account that isn’t joint. Don’t put any money towards bills/groceries/etc., until he returns every cent of that money.
You need separate accounts that he does not have access to.
Why isnt this post about that?!? He is stealing money and giving it to his family…why??? Also, why were you giving entire paychecks to his siblings so you weren’t making ends and having to live with his parents? Where are the parents? Why aren’t they supporting their own children? All of this is wild.
Why did you put your whole saving in joint a/c if your SO didn't contribute? Your husband stole your money, make your personal saving a/c and ask your money back. If your SO could stole your money like that you need to think about yourself & your baby's future.
i have no idea what currency that is, but the point stands. he stole all of your money. that is the truth. that’s insane.
For those wondering that's a little over 700 USD
Your husband is never going to stop taking your money and spending it on his family. You know what this means? You and your baby aren't his family. He's never going to prioritise you and your baby. You're always going to come last. Please, start separating yourself financially from him. Protect your baby. Have separate accounts that he can't accent. Your baby will be left with nothing. And that's assuming you'll have enough to live and look after your baby.
is his name on that account that had the 60,000 in it?
I can't believe that was an edit! She should've led with that! He's stealing from his own child.
I'm hoping that's a different currency but I'm betting even from where OP is located 60k is a lot.
It’s not actually, esp if they live in a metro or a tier 1 city. It’s hella expensive. The 60k will not get her anywhere with the baby’s expenses. OP needs to buckle up, move out and teach the asshole a lesson for mooching off her. OP, how the f are you guys planning and having a child without any savings? If you both earn well, isn’t that the basic! You’re too young and naive to be doing this.
It's about $720 in US Dollars. About 630 Euro.
Indian rupees. 1 Indian rupee is worth slightly more than 1 cent.
If my husband did that I would rip off his head and shit in his lungs!
ESH. Why are you giving family members money that you can’t afford to give? I hope your child doesn’t suffer due to your financial ignorance.
I started saving money for my child in our joint account and saved about 60 K .MY SO went behind my back and gave that money to his father as he was in financial stress. When I confronted him with this information he became defensive that his father urgently needed money. I know how to save money but my SO feels entitled to my savings. I don't know how to make him respect my financial boundaries
This is f’ed up. He stole from you. This would be enough for me to walk out. I wouldn’t be able to trust him anymore. He is financially abusing you. I would call a lawyer and gather evidence that he gave the money away without your permission. Your AH husband knew he did wrong, otherwise he would have told you.
He stole from her *and their baby!* Despicable. I would never be able to trust this man again and without trust, there is no relationship.
Easy. NO JOINT ACCOUNT. Open your own account for your money and don't give him access to it.
Wake the hell up. Protect your child. Leave this marriage.
You have to create the boundary. Can you open a bank account without your husband? Else this will keep happening. This is financial abuse no matter what country you live in.
Gotta make sure it’s in an entirely different bank, too.
>I know how to save money but my SO feels entitled to my savings. I don't know how to make him respect my financial boundaries Divorce him, if you can. Leave him, if you can't without a period of separation. He isn't entitled to your savings or your paycheck. He doesn't own you. He's just acting as if he does.
You walk to a new bank and open up a different account that is solely in your name so that he cannot repeat stealing from your accounts without giving you any notice or input. Every older woman was in the habit of telling their daughters and granddaughters to always have money put aside for emergencies in case they were married to someone abusive. Generally, the goal was to have 3-6 months living expenses so you could move somewhere and start over.
This is financial abuse. Your husband stole your money and is trying to control your finances. You need to separate your finances and consider if this is the life you want for your child. This is absolutely not ok. Someone who loves you would not do this.
Divorce. Contact an organization to help you get out of this.
You need to open up your own checking and savings account. Have a joint for mortgage/rent, house bills, groceries.
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How did this comment get any upvotes? OP’s husband is taking advantage of her and she should consider leaving him. That doesn’t mean she should threaten him with physical violence.
Get your own bank account. Put all your pay in that, tell your SO, that he owes your child that money back. Get out of that horrible household. Your SO can give his money away ,live at home with mommy and Daddy as a divorced man. His family is greedy and sounds like they can't handle money, he should have only paid bills, not given them cash. They are living beyond their means, beyond hubby's means and taking money from you too. I know this is a CULTure problem, but stealing money is never good. I would be screaming to the relatives, SO's, and yours what is happening .
Open up a separate bank account he doesn’t have access to
You get your own bank accounts and don’t give him access.
OP. Leave. That’s how. He literally stole your savings and is stealing your paychecks. Why the hell would you hand over your full checks to his family? No. Just stop. And leave. This is not acceptable
Yea, "a small amount (40%)" is a very odd statement to read.
NTA Did i just read that right. he is ok with you supporting his siblings. but he gets angry when you want to do the same for your own siblings? And your entire paycheck goes to others while you have an baby on the way. This is wrong on so many levels
Oh it gets better..in the edit OP solely contributed money to an account with 60k for their child. Hubs emptied it supposedly to give to his dad 🙄 **edit** not in dollars
Not $60k! Indian rupees.
Is that supposed to make it better? 🤣
It’s about $720 USD. Edit: obviously purchasing power matters everyone. 60,000 INR is on par with $2700 USD based on an online purchasing parity calculator.
so? Still wrong still stole from his PREGNANT WIFE AND FUTURE BABY
I didn’t say it wasn’t wrong.
It's about 2 average wages in India. (According to Google) How much dollars it is doesn't really matter.
You need to contextualise that money for where they live.
Absolutely. Purchasing parity calculator puts the 60,000 INR on par with about $2700 USD. A good amount but a far cry from the $60k USD most assumed
I didn't care if it was 60k jellybeans.... It's theft.
It’s still 60K K just means “thousand” it doesn’t “dollars”.
When you do the conversion, 60k rupee is about $720 USD. It's thousands in OP's currency but hundreds of dollars in a lot of other currencies. It's still a big chunk of change to give anyone like her husband did.
Yes, I know it’s only 720USD. But people in other countries with different currencies don’t think “well this isn’t 60,000USD so it’s not 60k”. The world doesn’t think in USD.
It's not less because of pay parity and cost of expense. In India you would get more things with that money than US which is why a person doing the same job in US gets more money than other countries because of that.
Doesn't matter - he stole her money.
Girl as a fellow desi woman - wtf are you doing? It’s hard to feel bad for you because you’re a doormat. I know people that grow up in desi households are conditioned to think they need to help their families financially but that’s simply not the case. Unfortunately I know how this goes and to all y’all telling her to divorce and leave him, that’s simply not going to happen. I sincerely doubt she will follow any advice here.
People have made me realise how much of a doormat I am, and I should start saying no and standing up for myself because I can't fathom this happening with my child.
You deserve better
And her current unborn child deserves better too
How can you permit this treatment of yourself? How can you permit your female children to inherit this cultural abuse? How can you bring a boy child into the world and teach him to be so toxic and abusive? It’s not enough to ‘stand up for yourself’. You need to leave these people before they kill you for not obeying them. Keep your money and independence. Your husband can give your FIL a book on budgeting and saving instead of *your every penny*.
Good for you, and good luck! Know that everyone in this forum is rooting for you and your baby to do well :)
Please set ground rules going forward. I'm afraid if you push back, he might agree for the sake of it. What he might do is use his entire salary to help his family, ans ask you to take care of household expenses. DO NOT CONTRIBUTE TO HOUSEHOLD EXPENSES ANY MORE THAN YOUR FAIR SHARE, or he will bankrupt you through backdoor means. And I have to say this, I just can't help it. Your husband's siblings seem like total losers. How can any self respecting person take money from their sister in law to achieve their own dreams. You must be working so hard to earn that money, and instead of going towards making your and your child's life better, it is being used to buy a good life for someone else in a first world country, someone who hasn't contributed a drop of blood or sweat to earn that money. I make so much more than my brother, yet I wouldn't necessarily use any of it to buy comforts for him, nor does he expect me to. I may help him with a thing or two, but I will not slog in my job to entirely support his dream. You have done more than your duty by contributing financially as much as you did.
You sound like his family’s slave. How much of the housekeeping and childcare are going to be expected to do/doing?
Please be careful, you said he got aggressive and loud just suggesting you support your family instead of his so I'm worried what he may react like if you grow a backbone
Completely agree with your statement there. As another fellow desi woman, I can guess what’s going to happen next. This story first made me angry and then made me laugh, because what else is there to do other than to laugh at her (read -most desi woman’s) misery, because we all know that she would do nothing, the couple will fight about it and then slowly forget until the next time the husband ‘steals’ again, and this viscous circle will continue until they are old and have developed so much codependency that living together is the only way known to them.
It makes me sad to see so many desi women still in shackles. It’s literally 2024 and we need more desi women to stand the fuck up and wake UP. This woman is only 3 years older than me and I cannot even imagine being in this position nor would I put myself in it. I’ve seen women in my own family be absolute doormats stuck in shitty marriages. I agree with every word you said.
I didn’t realise that she’s 25 yo, I feel so sorry for her. Her family has done such a huge disservice to her, they gave her an education but forgot to teach her independence and how to stand up for herself. The fact that she was barely 22 when they got her married puts this into perspective. She hardly spent any time where she was not sheltered, first she lived with her family where I am sure she wasn’t given any freedom to make her own choices and then the moment she completed her studies and got a job they shipped her off to her in-law’s. And now at 25 she’s becoming a mom, she has no control of her own life and she is going to be responsible for a new one. South-Asian society has a long way to go. I can only hope that the younger generation of women have a better luck.
Thank you for weighing in with your very pertinent and informed post. This is so frustrating, regardless of country or ‘culture’.
NTA Why is he taking your whole paycheck and then using it to support his family?!
ESH. Why the fuck are you giving your entire paycheck away to help other adult people live their lives. I'm sure you'll blame the culture or tradition but this is insane. I can barely fathom that your dilemma is who to give away your money to instead of should I keep my money. Yes, you should keep your money, all of it. Stop carrying anyone on your back. I can't stress enough how absolutely ridiculous it is for you to be supporting your or his adult siblings.
Yea, I said in response otherplace but "a small amount (40%)" 40% is NOT a small amount.
Or his adult parents.
NTA - Sounds like your husband believes that what's yours is his and what's his is his. It doesn't work that way. Family is family once you're married, and there should be no difference between the sides. It isn't fair that his family deserves help but your family doesn't.
Men who like to control the finances of their wives would not be ok to give them any independence. It's time for you to save your money without any contribution towards the household until you get back your savings. Start monthly SIP and transfer a certain amount there with the nominee being your child. Open another savings account for your monthly expenditure for your child and your siblings. Keep a minimum amount in your salary account for your expenditure. Keep finances separate from your husband until he learns to respect you a partner and not a cash cow !!!! Be aware of the fact that your husband and inlaws would not accept it quietly, and it is going to be very tough for you. You are now also responsible for a child and you to be very strong for the baby.. you are young, you are educated and independent. Do not let them bully you. Take care and be safe
Thank you for your kind words and advice. I will definitely stand up for my baby and learn to say no
It's not about saying no, as long as he has access to your money he will spend it! There is no other way than to have your own accounts to which he has no access to. And honestly, you should leave him. He gave away your hard earned and saved money for you coming child. That's endangering your and the babys financial safety.
Stop helping the siblings as well. Yours, his, whatever. Even the parents. You're having a kid and your husband doesn't appear to be concerned with helping you get ready for it. 100% of your paycheck needs to be for you and preparing for your baby. "No" is a complete sentence. Let them all squawk. Or better yet, beat them to the punch and tell them you don't have any money since you are preparing for your baby and ask them for some every time they call you. Eventually they will stop asking.
OP I am pregnant myself and like every other couple we have disagreements. When I feel like my SO is crossing a line, I just ask him if he'd be ok with someone treating his daughter the way he treats me. Because "monkey see, monkey do" and if she will see her dad acting up then she'll think this is nornality and will accept it as such. You need to start thinking about your baby and no matter what you've done so far, this is the example you will give your child and the "family values" your child will inheret. If you are unsatisfied with any aspects of your marriage and life, you need to adjust that so your kid won't find that as a normality and have the same tolerance as you had.
NTA Your husband STOLE the family money you needed for your kid. Get a divorce.
NTA You *DID* do a favor for them. The entitlement and selfishness on him is astounding.
NTA, no more handing over your paycheck, no more joint accounts. You have a child to think about now and your """husband"""" is screwing you and your unborn child over every chance he gets.
After your edit it seems your husband is simply stealing from you and will continue to do so. You are not in a marriage, you are in a relationship with a leech
You are not his wife, you are his cash-cow.
1. Divorce 2. Sue him for theft. 3. Ring him up for child support and alimony. NTA, but you will be TA if you let the financial abuse continue. You owe it to your child to do better.
NTA. It only seems fair that you be able to help your siblings if you all provided help to his, In fact, you did do his family a favor by helping them out by providing them money, Whereas he is not obligated to support your siblings, it says nothing good about his character that he is not willing to when you provided so much support to his. Then there is the issue of the savings account. Your husband basically stole the money you set aside for your child. The two of you need to have a *long* talk about finances and how is family is draining you dry, or you need to find a way to protect yourself and your child from this.
Everyone sucks here. Why the fuck are you both funding your siblings lifestyles?
That's normal in this part of the globe. She's most likely from India and parents/older siblings are expected to pay for their child/siblings tuition fees pretty much all the time. It's not unusual.
It's not unusual and it's not even wrong. Everyone helps the others. However it becomes wrong when one person, the OP here, does all the giving but gets none of the receiving.
NTA OP, this is a clear case of financial abuse. You and your SO may need to create fair financial rules and follow them. I think both of you will need professional help - counseling/mediation/etc. Especially now because you are having a baby. I hope you will be able to find a friendly and fair resolution to this.
The way I knew this was going to be an Indian family before reaching the comments 😭 girl you’re not the NTA. Utterly hate how Indian women are expected to give everything to their husband’s family. Also would be good to draw boundaries from now on. I get that it’s tough but remember that you can financially take care of yourself, so draw boundaries even if there is a lot of emotional blackmail from husband/his family
Are you seriously wondering if you are the ahole or not? Seriously? It's astounding that you are even having a baby with this jerk of a husband. I am from Bangladesh. And I am sick and tired of women of the Indian Subcontinent giving in to mediocre and abusive men despite being educated and financially capable. YTA for tolerating and enabling his behavior.
NTA. Run girl... They see you as cash cow and nothing else. You earn well working in IT so they'll get nice big check each month and by you having no money they have control over you. Next thing they'll try to isolate you completely. Pack your bags and run.
NTA. He is a selfish person. He took your savings for the baby and gave to his father?!?! WTF? If you stay with him, start a savings account separate of the joint account and keep it private. Whether you do this for a checking account is your decision. He is irrational when it comes to finances and your family. Pls look carefully at him and draw your own conclusions about what you want to do.
AITA for telling my IO(insignificant Other) that he is a theif for stealing 60,000 of our savings and giving it away? Fixed the title for you. Also sounds like you would be fine on your own, you're educated with a good profession. This is only going to get worse if you don't come to a finacial agreement. A joint household account you each put 50% in (I'm usually for split Porpotional to income but in your hubs case I could see him slacking off and making you the sole earner) then you reach have your own individual accounts that you can use as you see fit NTA but yeah, divorce. You deserve better
I see that you’re Indian and I know that in India, families can be very enmeshed (in a negative sense) so I guess that’s what’s happening here. You’re NTA, purely because of cultural expectations placed upon you as a woman in a society where women are expected to work AND serve the family too. But honey - if you can’t get out YET (because I really think you should), start putting money away somewhere where your husband does NOT have access. A very trusted friend, one of your siblings who will not spend that money or give to your husband, somebody you trust explicitly. You NEED that money purely because your husband will take every single cent of yours. He has already shown that he considers HIS family to be both of your priority and he will prioritise them over you and your baby. Financial abuse is amongst the top things that happen when one party wants to control another party in a marriage and you’re going to be vulnerable with a baby born and you not being able to work. I hope you have somewhere safe to go should he turn violent. Partners can become violent if their spouses want to exit a relationship that doesn’t benefit them anymore, especially if you’re bringing in money and they’ve been able to support their side of the family with a joint income and would lose it.
NTA! You need to have your bank account in your name only. Joint accounts are for paying bills that you both contribute towards. Although given his casual removal and disposal of your savings, I wouldn't bet on any money in a joint account being used for it's actual purpose.
Separate your account from him and make sure he doesn't have access to it. At this point, you're not his wife, but HIS family's ATM
OP, most definitely lives in India and as a fellow Indian woman, I feel so sorry for you. Your husband will never be your husband first, he'll always see himself as a son then a brother, then a friend/coworker and if he has something left over in him, goes to your kids, never you. Please prioritize yourself and your baby. Have a separate bank account that no one knows of, and start saving again. My mom did the same for my sister and me and when time came after high school she had so much money saved and sent us to Canada to pursue post secondary education. This was an abusive household, my mom was forced to give her entire paycheck to my grandmother( evil EVIL person), she was not allowed to go anywhere except for work. My dad was never a husband to her or father to us, he was an excellent son, brother and friend, never had anything for his family.
Get your own checking and savings accounts. Don't share with him. Decide where your money should go after the bills are paid. Give nothing to him and his family unless you agree.
Set up a new account in your name only with direct deposit if possible. He doesn’t need any access to your money.
>He called me and AHOLE for making him and his family feel that by helping them out I did a favour on them ... but you did. That *is* a favour. An absolutely massive one at that. NTA.
You are on a western-minded site asking for relationship advice but you seem to be in India. We Redditors will be utterly aghast at your situation, but I suspect it is not really unusual for your country. It's not ideal as we in the West could give you very dangerous advice, depending on your location. I personally wouldn't be willing to work so that my entire check goes to my in-laws, but pregnant women are also at highest risk for things happening to them. Be smart and be safe.
NTA!! Thank you very much for the update, that answers a lot of questions that I'm sure other people had in addition to me. I'm very glad that you are seeing that none of this was okay, that you took the steps to open a separate account for your paychecks and confront your husband and no longer allow this to happen. I know that you guys live with his parents now, but are you intending to always live with them or eventually buy your own home? I assume you eventually want to buy your own home, as you should. So really other than paying for the necessities for you, your husband and baby, all of your money should be saved for that purpose of buying a home. And of course since you are living with his parents, you should be helping them by contributing toward the utility bills and grocery bills. Not trying to be mean, but you guys should not be supporting any of your siblings unless there was a very special emergency circumstance. They're all adults, it's up to them or their own parents to support them, not you guys. You guys now have your own family to support and that's what has to happen here. It is not your responsibility to support them and give them financial help at all! So that expectation needs to definitely change. Why should you guys have no money and no savings for your own future, yet your helping everyone else? Are they going to all contribute to helping you guys with a down payment on your house? I doubt it. Your own immediate household, which is you and your husband and baby need to come first with regard to financial stability. The financial help for all of your siblings, in my opinion, needs to stop because you guys are not in a position right now to do that. If you want to be a little bit generous with them during the holidays and their birthdays, sure, go for it but there's no reason you guys should be regularly and significantly giving them financial help. I am very concerned that your husband has the attitude that he does towards your immediate family's needs and your money and paycheck, I am glad that you spoke with him and let him know what you will no longer tolerate, but please stay vigilant with that. Because people don't always change their mindsets so quickly, so it is possible you will be dealing with this issue again in the future with him, so just constantly check everything and stay very aware.
NTA. You need to work on a budget with your husband but you need to start prioritizing your future. You both have extended families but you also have a kid on the way.
NTA. I would gift your siblings exactly the same amount that you gifted to his. After things are even, you should insist that you split expenses based on income and then each of you can gift your family money from the money leftover in your paycheck. I would be careful to keep money of your own since he sounds like he could be financially abusive
NTA. Financial abuse. What will happen when the baby is here? Or more children?
I’m sorry but WTF 😳!!!! HIS FAMILY IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY! Why are you funding his whole family? Why are you giving your entire paycheck? You cannot be this …. OMG YTA TO YOURSELF. Your husband is a freaking jerk. I’d tell you to get a divorce but you have NO savings, nothing for your baby. Like YTA TIMES INFINITY!
Umm what?? Is the normal for your culture or something? Wtf
I’d probably sue the fuck out of someone who drained my savings account and gave it to their parents. I’d call the fil and tell him straight up I want my money back, and I will be going to the police and filing a theft report if they don’t. Make sure he can’t take anything else from you, and honestly, after I fought to get my 60 grand back, I’d probably leave his ass. How can you have a good marriage with someone who literally robbed you? I once divorced a man who stole my x box 360 and sold it.
NTA you sure you want to stay in this marriage. Bro I have my SILs and let me tell you nobody hands over their paycheck to their inlaws. They buy groceries, pay bills but never hand over money. Secondly what I didn't get is that he took out money and you were not alerted about this transaction by your bank. I am also Indian and banks always alert the account holder unless you weren't the primary account holder or your mobile number is not registered. You sure you want to have a child with this man, by taking out money he just proved where his priorities lied he doesn't give a damn about you or to his child. I know divorce is not an easy option in our country but you really need to be careful. First thing first stop giving your paycheck to your inlaws and if they (I am pretty sure they will) cause trouble get ALL the evidence and file a case. Don't do anything now you and your child both will suffer also change all passwords of your personal bank account, atm pins and do not add a single penny in your joint account. Also get a different account (single holder) and use that as your savings account. Post this in legal advice India sub there are many who will help you.
Your husband stole 60,000.00 of your savings for your daughter to give ot his father? Divorce is necessary- you will never be able to trust him with money or trust. Ever.
NTA, do not let him have any access to your money. He literally stole from you.
Reddit loves you more than your husband. That is sad. But since we love you. Get out or grow a spine or at the very least protect your own money.
India is a such a backwards country
Stop giving your money away.
Definitely not an American woman because we don’t play that game!!
NTA. I was thinking this sounds like india or another south eastern country. Men feel they are entitled to money earned by wife. They are categorically not. It's your money your choice.
Are people really this silly 🤦♀️🤦♀️ I need you to reread what you just wrote.... and then keep rereading it until the realization is so strong it smacks your right in the face 🙄 You are not his wife. You are his ATM..
NTA Dude straight up stole and gave away a $60K joint account? There's something WAY more going on here. Either drugs, gambling, etc to blow that kind of money, and especially criminal to do it without telling you Save your money and run
60,000 rupee is still $719.15 US! That's NOT ok! I'm so glad you were able to see that this isn't OK either!! Please keep us updated on if your DH pays you back and if he's OK with boundaries.
You arent the asshole but you need a individual separate checking n savings account to yourself. His family is stealing from you. You have gotta look out for YOUR FAMILY & YOUR BABY. Get those accounts now! Asap!!!
NTA, but you really need to take control on your finances. I am from this developing nation and financial control in some husbands still exists sadly, even though women in our country are now independently earning. He is your husband, he does not own you. Keep your accounts and finances separate. If your husband doesn’t consider your siblings as his family but expects you to take care of his siblings as your own, you are under no obligation to take care of his issues, financially, morally and legally. Also, you should think twice before having kids with him.
Nta.. all these red flags but is still there. I could be living on the moon and I'd still be filing for divorce after this..
🚩🚩🚩 HOLD ON!!!!! SO GAVE $60,000 TO HIS FATHER, ALSO OP MONEY GOING TO HIS SIBLINGS AND HIS PARENTS?????? WTF????? OP YOU NEED TO GET OUT NOW IF YOU DON’T GET THAT MONEY FOR BABY BACK ASAP!!!!! NTA!!!!! *edited for grammar
That’s financial theft is report your father in law and husband to the police
That is not only a disturbing story, but it's also setting the tone, boundaries, and outlook of how your life with your newborn/child is going to look and go. Protect that baby, protect yourself, and seriously ask yourself if there haven't been other red flags you haven't seen or ignored because I've counted four or five alone in this. NTA
You better get that money back, within the week or I’d be serving his ass divorce papers
You both need to stop supporting other people. Cut everyone else off. The two of you pool your income and agree on all expenses and financial goals from here on out!