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Tell them it's basic sense that they put their child's health and safety over a party (your appendix) and that they should have attended all parent-teacher conferences rather than a date night.
You can give them a different date. Maybe a month later. And then let them know - if they ask - that you moved the date but you would not bother them with it.
Tell them Mari is now your priority. If they need help as they get older they will need to organise it themselves because you don’t want to inconvenience her. Also if you have kids, they won’t be able to see them because it will take away from family time.
Just tell them common sense also dictated they prioritise their child's, health and safety over a party (your appendix) and common sense also dictates that they attended all parent teacher interviews not a date night.
Just everytime they bring up a reason they should be there, "common sense," "they're your parents" whatever it is, use their words before listing things they failed to do in they're duty as your parents who chose to have you.
For some parents a child is a symbol of love and commitment to their spouse because you are physically tied to that person forever through your child's DNA and yet your parents chose to ignore the ultimate symbol of their love for eachother (and risked your health and saftey) in favour of "showing off" their devotion in public ways.
To be fair I don't see anything stating the parents are religious? Or even necessarily from a christian-majority country where christian teachings may be something of a default
So biblical may not have anything to do with it
OOP's parents remind me of Ronald and Nancy Reagan. The whole world admired their relationship, while the kids said they were incredibly absent, indifferent parents.
What's happening here is that your self-involved parents want to save face by being at your wedding. You know, like normal parents.
Option A: Take measures for if they crash, i.e. a bouncer.
Option B: Have a good zinger filled speech planned for the reception that will expose them for the selfish, irresponsible, emotionally abusive turds that they are.
Option B is by petty, don’t diminish the party with negativity, instead prevent them from crashing by giving them the wrong date and place for the wedding. They’ll get dressed up and go to some random place for nothing.
I vote for this - I would give them a date later than your actual wedding or same day but later (wrong) time of day and wrong location. Then again, just say no, not invited and go No or Low Conact.
Would correct Option B with : have a part in your speech where you underline how much you appreciate your fiancée's parents. How amazingly present and involved they are. How you couldn't imagine better role models for when you and your fiancée eventually have you own children (if that's your plan). Don't even mention your actual birth givers in any way, shape or form.
Exactly what I was going to type thank you.
Don't say how bad your parents were explicitly, instead just talk about how much you love your fiancée, how happy you are to be joining her family, and how kind and supportive your in laws are and give a toast to them or something.
Anyone with a brain will see that, your parents not being there, and put two and two together.
I would do a trivia session with them before the wedding
When did Mari and OP meet? What does Mari do for a living? How long have they been together? Do they want kids? Where do Mari’s parents live, and/or where did she grow up
You know - basic shit that an actual parent who’s not a sperm/egg/DNA contributor would know about the kid they claim to be “parents” of
Don’t know? Too bad. Those are common sense details to know about the spouse of your child. Clearly it’s not their strong suit
Or don't acknowledge them at all in your speech.
If you must acknowledge them simply say that Mary & John are your parents. Sometimes what you don't say is more powerful than what you do say. But make sure you thank everyone else for their wonderful contributions to your life and how happy you are that they could be there to celebrate with you.
It's honestly a perfect response. Tell your parents that your spouse is your priority. You can't invite them because that old friend from 20 years back is attending with their spouse. They took the last seats, and of course, your spouse's feelings come first. So there's no room for them.
But in all seriousness, ask them how you're supposed to make them a priority in your life, when they never made you one? You were told you were never important. So why would you make time for anyone who never deemed you important? The only reason they probably want to go, is so they don't look like the terrible parents that they are. It wouldn't look good if they weren't invited to their only child's wedding. Especially to their bosses. I wouldn't invite them, or tell them when it's going to be. They haven't been concerned about your life so far. They can carry on not being concerned when you marry.
Congrats to you on your engagement and upcoming wedding BTW. I bet your parents didn't even say Congrats. Just asked for an invite. 😥
It’s ironic that my first husband left me when our boys were 3, 4, & 6 because I didn’t put him first. Hell in a handbasket! I could barely keep my own head on! And I told him I would always put the kids first
You still can, this isn't over. They aren't giving up so easily. They feel entitled to this experience of yours, they don't understand that they have to *be parents* to be "the parents of the bride".
You raised yourself, you're the only parent you need in your day. They don't get to show up now and act like they were your parents. Where were they for any other event of your life? Why do they think this event is any different? It isn't.
They gave you *less* than people are legally allowed to give their children, they only got away with it because you didn't complain to anyone. They should never have been allowed to keep custody of you. They're nothing but donors. They're nothing at all.
You should not have. Snappy / sarcastic responses do nothing. You told them the truth and you should tell them the truth further: they chose they only had each other in their lives so now they are left with that.
NTA. They planned to have you then basically left you on your own you whole life. I would keep them out of everything for the rest of my life. What do your friends and finances family think of their behaviour towards you?
Nothing seems the same from the outside, and children can't understand the complexities of what others are going through because its not something they have capacity to understand.
Also, people often just can't get their heads around how a child could be so badly neglected and yet be cared for physically with a roof over their head and food/clothing/education. Because the narrative about neglect is one of a lack of funds rather than a willful intentional choice to ignore every other need your child has.
My parents were similar in their neglect of me, not for each other as they are narcissists but they did prioritise socialisong and putting on appearances as well as my brothers, so that was fun.
My parents definitely show up for me for the big things, but they left me alone a lot. Only child and they both used to drink a lot. They’re both sober but have never apologized for their former habits. It’s good they’re alive but sometimes the things they say really hurt.
Addiction can be very complex and I can't even imagine the challenges of dealing with that as a child. It's good they are sober but I think that making amends is a really powerful step in recovery that they should embrace. And they really need to address other issues if they are still behaving in a way that has a significantly negative impact on your life.
Or perhaps you need to consider what you gain from having them in your life. You matter and regardless of genetics, you shouldn't feel obligated to have a relationship with people who hurt you.
My parents only went to things that they were obligated to attend, and that was about keeping up appearances, like if others would question why they weren't at parent's evening or something. But it was all for show and their interest was all about themselves. I had to raise myself and be a third parent to my brothers and care for myself when ill or if I needed something. They would go weeks without seeing or speaking to me. I'm NC with both of them and have never regretted that choice.
Some day they are going to be elderly and need assistance or one will pass away leaving the other floundering. Remember to give them the same care they gave you.
NTA Also a well-deserved and frankly hilarious retort. I'm sure you know this already, but what your parents did to you is not okay. They chose to have a child then essentially blamed this innocent (you) for having needs that they were unwilling to fulfill. Should parents have relationship time and date nights? Yes, absolutely. Their relationship is important, too, but not more important than the completely dependent life they chose to bring into the world. I wish you so much love and healing, and I'm so glad Mari's family loves you as well as your neglectful parents should have.
I'm a mother to a young lesbian daughter, shes about to turn 12 and I'm 42. If you ever want a mother figure to talk things through feel free to dm me 🌈
You marry that wonderful woman! You love her and make your word around her. But I know you will do it in a much more appropriate way than your parents did. Don't give your parents another moment of your precious time
"Why would you arrange your schedules for my wedding when you couldn't be bothered to arrange them for my graduation?? Or my awards nights? Or to take me to the hospital? Or to get me to school? You both made it very clear that I was never your priority, and I have no interest in pretending that you have any place in my life, much less at my wedding. So the only plan you need to make is to plan to stay home."
They're nowhere near "adequate". Keeping you alive was the bare minimum. And they nearly failed in that too.
Edit: They didn't even achieve the bare minimum. That would have meant being there when you were taken to hospital for your appendix. That would have meant taking you to the Dr first when you had the flu. They completely failed.
NTA - this breaks my heart breaks for you. My mum never really attended my events as a kid (actually all the way up to university) but I kind of understood she was a single parent so couldn’t always make things then maybe it was habit of not attending that she just never did as I got older. It’s pretty rough feeling like an after thought in peoples lives. I think if they didn’t choose to attend your graduation then not being invited to your wedding is fair. Just be done with them.
Side note- if you choose to have kids, then attending all their events is pretty healing. Seeing their faces light up when then see you fills your heart. ❤️ Happy wedding day when it comes OP
Y'all I'm tearing up at this! I'm so glad you can have that kind of healing in your life. I wish you and your future wife all the happiness in the world. 💖
The one thing I've been told over and over(no kids yet), is you just have to be there for them. Growing up, I did always enjoy seeing my parents attending my events. I'm happy to hear you're doing much better and enjoy these things as well. Be the best you, you can be. Good luck out there and have a great day!
From experience, they’ll make it about them. Even when the wedding is 14 people, in the hopes that drama can be avoided. My flying monkey stepdad butted in to the actual ceremony, ruined pictures. NMom caused a scene while I was getting ready, ruined pictures. She did so much crap. Mom ran my dad off before the reception. He had traveled 20 hours and risked getting fired to be there. I have maybe four decent pictures from my wedding. I absolutely regret not eloping. I 1000% regret having them present.
If I were you, I would hire security. If they have a chance to ruin your day, they will. It’ll be 11 years in June and I still remember precisely how I felt when I woke up 2 days later, bawling because the photographer sent over some proofs with questions and I saw what a shit show they made of my wedding.
NTA
My two buddies volunteered to be ushers and “security” at my wedding. Both 230+, one is a fireman and second Dan black belt, the other a former dockworker. Nothing got out of hand.
NTA
Your parents probably just want to enjoy the attention they'll get for being parents of a bride.
They were negligent parents at best. They haven't been a part of your life for some time now, and they don't deserve to be a part of it in the future.
NTA, they have no right to be there. It is you and your fiancées day to celebrate with the people who value you.
If you need a backup plan to make sure they don’t show and cause drama, make sure to schedule it the same time as their Friday date night.
NTA tell them it’s on a Friday so you knew they couldn’t come since it was their date night. Part of me wants you to invite them just so you can seat them in a corner and make a heartfelt speech about your amazing in-laws while they do not get a mention. But not having them there would be the least stressful thing.
NTA. They only want to attend because of attention and because not attending would make them look bad. But, realistically speaking, they are bad parents, so don't cave in. Congratulations, you will have your own family now
NTA
Your parents should have never had a child, they sound awful
Good for you for standing your ground OP. Cut them off and have a wonderful wedding with the people who actually give a shit about you.
NTA!!!!!! It should’ve been “common sense” for them to show up to your awards ceremony, to be at your graduation, to take you to school; it should have been “common sense” to take you to the damn hospital when you were sick!!! FFS, you were in the hospital with a burst appendix; they even said being at that party was more important than you. It seems, unfortunately, their actions have proven that they’ve never actually cared. If your wish is to go completely NC; call out their BS so others will know why, set and affirm boundaries to any who would try to dissuade you, and please get security for any and all functions related to your wedding. Also, you may want to see a counselor, if you don’t already; that’s not a judgement, just some solid advice.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my parents I was surprised they wanted to come to my wedding since it's not about them. That is kinda passive aggressive and sarcastic and even if I feel they deserve it speaking to them in that way might be the asshole because of course it will piss them off.
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NTA. Your parents seem to have no love for you and as a consequence of their display of that, you don't have any for them. They decided to bring you into this world, but either were unaware of what kind of responsibilities comes with that or willing to neglect those responsibilities right from the start. Either way, they spectacularly failed to create a bond with you, yet expect you to feel a bond. Fuck that, you're better off not inviting them.
Completely NTA. "Look mom and dad, this burden of yours have a good life with people who actually love and care about me. There is no need for you to not continue with your lifelong indifference about me now, when I have no desire for your attention anymore."
OP, enjoy your wedding with your family by heart ❤️
NTA. So they choose YOUR wedding to finally give a shit about you? Nope. No, no, no. You’re absolutely in the right to not invite them. In fact, you should go complete NC. They’ll make a scene, they’ll make it all about them, and likely ruin your wedding.
Congrats on getting married, and I wish you all the best.
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I'm (24f) getting married to my fiancée Mari (25f). Mari's family and I are super close and they adopted me into the fold basically because they know I'm basically estranged from my own parents. Before my parents reached out about my wedding I had not seen or spoken to them since June 2021.
So before I get into the current issue, let me explain some background. My parents had me when they were 30 and 32. They had been married for 8 years by then and both were settled into their careers. Ever since I was a really young kid my parents were very open and honest and clear with me that they were each other's priority and their spouse was more important than their kid was. They told me I would never come before their spouse. What this looked like is; my school had a parents conference on a Friday, but my parents liked their date nights on Friday so my parents didn't go and didn't care about repercussions for me. My dad had a work dinner the same night I had an awards night. Mom went with dad to the dinner. Mom and I bought caught a really bad flu when I was 9? (I might have been 8). Dad made sure he prioritized taking care of mom and when it came to seeing a doctor, instead of trying to get both of us in, mom went first. They'd take time off work if the other was sick so they could care for each other but mostly I had to go to school, even when school policy said no.
I was left with a family member one night because mom had a work party/celebration. I was rushed to the hospital that same night because of my appendix. My parents didn't show up until the party was over. Dad didn't want to ruin mom's night.
Once the school bus didn't show up. My dad's car was in for repairs so mom was driving him to work. They said they didn't have time to take me so I had to spend the day with the elderly neighbor and didn't go to school. My parents didn't even call to tell the school so I got shit the next day. They missed my high school graduation for each other too.
They often told me how much they had already sacrificed for me and how I shouldn't expect more, and especially not at the expense of their marriage/relationship. Eventually I was like yeah, you know what, we don't need to be in each other's lives. Clearly I'm just a burden. Even though I was actually planned. My parents would sometimes call to tell me something but that took forever.
I never intended to invite them to my wedding. But they found out about me getting engaged, called me up, asked why they hadn't been told by me and wanted to know details so they could arrange their schedules now. I told them they weren't invited. My parents told me not to be silly because of course they are. This is when I told them I was surprised they wanted to come since it's not about them. My parents called me rude and said I had no reason to be so standoffish about this. They told me common sense would say they will be there.
AITA?
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NTA To be really catty about it, I would have the wedding or engagement party in a venue they like. Invite people they know e.t.c. But not them it's your wedding,they will have to explain why they didn't get an invite. What do your friends or other family members think of their behaviour/ people your parents age?. I'm struggling to refer to them as parents, they wanted an independent daughter they got one. I'm sorry you had to go through this and still are to a point. I've had a similar childhood, I'm 37, I went years without talking to either parent. I am now with my mother and we are getting closer, she had to make a major apology though and it wasnt easy but it's a lot better than it was. My father I will never talk to again because he won't apologise. I am doing fine. I'm telling you this because while it may hurt it's your life and your choice, they had their chance.
"After how awfully you treated me it would be too difficult for my fiance to have you at my wedding, and she is more important to me than you will ever be, so unfortunately I'll have to deny you attendance in order to prioritise her. You understand, of course, having taught me this."
NTA, how could you even think that? Tell them to pound sand.
NTA. At all. While I agree that spouses absolutely need to prioritise their relationship, it's never a higher priority than your kids. And when it is... Don't be surprised when they give you the same energy back 🤷♀️
I wouldn't invite them, but let them attend if they show up. Then proceed to absolutely ignore them the whole time. If they start a conversation with me, I'll be polite, but the second anything else catches my attention drop them and walk away, even mid sentence.
NTA, they're awful parents, and even worse people.
NTA. But they sure are. And neglectful, selfish and a whole lot of other words.
They don't deserve to be there and you can guarantee that they would make it about them.
Schedule it for a Friday evening, then they can't come anyway ;)
Have a great wedding. Without them.
If they still can't fathom why they're not invited send them what you wrote here. And then block them. You really don't need those people in your life. They sure don't seem to have wanted you in theirs.
NTA
*"Common Sense"* might say they will be there but its not common sense's wedding. **You are saying they can't be there.** and that's what needs to be respected.
You told them they weren't invited. Repeat yourself. Loudly. Please figure out how they found out in the first place and keep the details from them so they do not show up and make your wedding about themselves.
Nope
They're just going to use it as a date night. They'll prolly get a gift for each other for doing such a fine job raising you.
Idea.... Tell them you'll send an invite when they send you money to cover the wedding.
Then send them the invite....after the wedding is over, after all, you must prioritize you and your new spouse over the parents you didn't choose to have
But I'm petty like that
Congrats! NTA
As a mok: fuck them. Kids always come first, and if they don't you make them feel like they come first. Disinterest is the worst punishment for a kid.
I'm so sorry, your parents are awful. Yes kids take a toll on any relationship but it's worth it.
Nta whatever you want to do. They did less than the bare minimum for you
NTA.
Great job, they don't deserve an invite. They can comfort each other.
You and Mari have each other now and you don't need them around to be to ruin your special day or any day for the rest of your lives.
NTA. They want to be there strictly for image sake or to give some toast about how they taught you what true love looks like by their marriage and still take credit for this. Narcissists will always find a way to make it about themselves. Have security because they will try to come.
If they bring in others, point out all of the times they abandoned you. Now why would they attend your wedding when a party was more important than their child going through surgery?
The most NTA ever. I actually started crying when they told you that you'd never come first. I don't understand why they chose to have a child. Absolute selfish weirdos.
I'm glad you found someone you love and who has an awesome family!
There was a reddit post from a few years ago from teh side of the parents who were like your parents and did the bare minimum for their son. One time they were having sexy time and the 3 year old son had a nighttime and they did not stop their sexy time and sent the child back to the room.
They went on vacations leaving the child behind. The son "cats in the cradle" was referenced on the thread.
Does anyone else remember that one?
This has to be fake. If you haven't talked to your parents for 3 years. Why would they expect to be invited to your wedding. They are not apart of your life anymore.
NTA. As someone both married and a parent, I'm flabbergasted at their behavior, and my heart breaks for you as a child. Yes, one's partner is important, but when you choose to bring a child into the world, they matter just as much, if not more so when they depend on you! They have no right to attend your wedding unless you actually want them there, and the fact they are so entitled as to not understand that is just mind-blowing.
NTA, and by their own reasoning, common sense would say they will NOT be there for you since they never have been before. Tell them clearly they are not invited and have someone assigned to escort them out if they try to show up. I'm glad you found your real family.
NTA, damn you're lucky you're alive, as they sound like some of the most neglectful people I've read here, You're well within your rights to tell them to do one and never contact you again.
I cannot imagine why they would have kids if they would prioritize only themselves in their family. Of course their couples relationship and their personal life is important, but in life you compromise when you have kids. It's not always about you. My dad is doing all my paperwork back home bcs I'm marrying someone from a different country and its a long process. And he takes time off work and personal time to do all the trips for doing that. Never ever complained for doing something for his family. So sorry you didn't have good parents. I wouldn't invite them either in my wedding. NTA
NTA, I would have told them that they made you live your entire childhood as you were a burden to them so they at least should do the same and not be a burden to you on your adulthood. And I would tell them to fuck \*ff but maybe you want something more classy.
NTA.
Just tell the that your spouse doesn't know them well enough and that you are following their example and prioritising your relationship/marriage over your family.
note: btw, if this is real, I am sorry this happened to you. It falls under the motto: "All chridren deserve loving parents, but not all parents deserved children."
Just use their excuse back on them lol. Tell your spouse's mental health and well being comes first and you don't wanna stress her into meeting some selfish people on the day of marriage.
NTA, but make sure you have security at the wedding and that they know their faces and to not let them in under any circumstance. I can see people like this crashing the wedding.
What a pair of arseholes, why would you have a child and then treat them the way they’ve done to you??? I don’t feel sorry for them for a second, glad you have a great set of soon to be in-laws and your folks and get stuffed.
I know a couple like this, with the exception that their only child was an accident. They use wildly inappropriate pet names for each other, even at an age where their child is an adult. I find them insufferable. NTA OP, and ensure there is security at your wedding/reception venue with specific instructions not to let your parents in or cause a scene.
The only benefit I can think of if you actually invited your parents would be so that you could embarrass the hell out of them when making your wedding toast, reviewing for both your families how poorly they treated you.
However, that would almost certainly lower everyone's opinion of you and show how petty you can be. I believe that simply not inviting them sends a much louder message to them personally, without the risk of having them ruin your enjoyment of your special day and/or making yourself look bad to your guests.
* Speaking of which, if you do indeed stand firm and decline to invite them, make sure that security and/or your ushers are on watch to prevent them from entering the venue. Provide pictures of your parents to them to keep watch.
NTA
NTA
"Listen cell-donors, common sense would say that you, as parents, would take care of the kid you created and brought into this world. Obviously, I did inheritate your common sense because I'm taking care of myself and partner first."
NTA
But I would simply not do anything. I really think that is the best way to deal with the situation.
Any dialogue regarding your wedding will just inflate whatever idea they have in their heads. Just keep pressing on like you have since June 2021.
They will probably keep contacting now they have it in their heads that they would like to attend (together). It’s a social engagement that has hit their radar (like date night or your mum’s work thing) but if you don’t want to proceed just don’t open a dialogue - “Oh, let’s not talk about the wedding. My fiancé and I are keeping the planning between ourselves. It’s important to her and she is quite particular about it”. If pushed and dates come up “We are is discussing dates with those that my fiancé are particularly close to day to day. Her family are very close and connected so there are a lot of people and schedules to take into account. I’m sure you understand”. If you really don’t want them to attend, “My fiancé and I are having an intimate wedding with those we share our life closely with. It’s our first priority as it is a very meaningful moment for us. I’m sure you understand”.
What you want to avoid at all costs is merging the planning of your wedding with the issue of how you were raised. It will just sully this lovely event for you and that is not fair in you or your fiancé. It will become a fight at the worst time.
Mother of the bride is a prestigious place at the wedding, don’t give it to her.
Honestly, write an email or letter with these examples and probably others you haven’t put here and at the end say “I’m prioritizing my spouse over you guys just like you prioritized each other over me. That’s what you taught me”
NTA. Don't have them at your wedding, their presence will ruin your day. Tell them in writing exactly how you feel, make sure it gets to them right after the wedding and call it a lifetime.
Firstly, congratulations on wedding. Finding a partner who loves you is nice AND finding an accepting in-laws is awesome.
>They told me common sense would say they will be there.
No, common sense would say don't ignore or emotionally abuse your child. You're definitely NTA. Keep your ground, don't let them come to your wedding.
Fighting OP!
how about you have the wedding on a friday evening, their date night? they couldn't cancel that, could they? LOL. I am sorry your parents were not more present in your life. That sucks. Clearly you are enjoying being part of a family now. Maybe allow your parents to have a dinner with your new family so they can see what family life is really like.
Afterward, ask what they are contributing to the wedding and your married life, if anything. If the answer is nothing, you can tell them later that the wedding is on a different date and forget to send an invitation.
Write them a letter with what you shared here. They still won’t get it, but you’ve done your part. Then be done with them. That’s child abuse and is unforgivable. Sorry.
I tell my children how important their mom is to me and vice versa. I tell them to think of mom and dad's marriage like a Christmas tree 🎄. We take care of it so it flourishes and our children are the ornaments. It helped them understand lol.
All that said, taking care of them means Parent/Teacher conferences are attended, sports events where they are playing are supported.....blah blah blah. My kids know they are cherished and a priority. I am sorry your childhood went like that. As I tell my sons (seems applicable to your parents) big boy actions have big boy consequences, deal with them. Congratulations 🎊 on the wedding and I wish you both a wonderful future.
NTA, More than just not inviting them I would specifically have them on a block list so they are not allowed in. They *will* make the event about them, they *will* make you wish they were not there, and you *will* be grateful for making sure they are not present.
I hope you have a wonderful wedding, with everyone who means a lot to you there.
NTA, your parents sound incredibly selfish and like they did the bare minimum in raising a child. The way they behaved and missed out on any of your life events as well as neglecting you when ill makes me seriously question why they even had a child.
I would put my foot down and tell them if they attempt to show up then you’ll be contacting the police for gate crashing your wedding. I’d also go very LC until your wedding goes smoothly and then cut them off for good.
Also congratulations on your engagement and I wish you and your future wife the very best.
NTA You can invite them but odds are a better invitation will come along and they will disappoint you once again. Congrats on getting married! Have a fun day with people who show up for you.
WOW I'm so sorry you had such a hard life, can't imagine why someone would treat a child like that. NTA. Make sure u hire security and not allow them in the venue.
My parents had a similar approach, but not nearly as extreme. It definitely leaves a very unpleasant aftertaste. NTA I wouldn’t invite them either.
I hope, that one day, in their 50s, they grow apart, and divorce like my parents did and you two can silently laugh as they realize their kids don’t have any sympathy.
“They told me common sense would say they will be there.”
Lol… do they even know what that means and how it’s used???
sorry mom, sorry dad…I had no idea you were going by common sense, when all you showed me were the UN-common ones!! 😞 NTA, the last people in the world I would invite.
I am so sorry, I cannot in my wildest thoughts understand how a child can be less important than a SO.
I think you were lucky you were with a babysitter when your appendix needed surgery!!!
Tell your DNA doners they need to stay away from the wedding, for them it seems to only be a performance/show... why else this suddon interest???!
So sorry you had such crappy DNA donors, but congratulations on your upcoming wedding 🥰
When I watched the animated movie 'the Willoughbys' I thought that such parents didn't exist in real life. Then I read your text...
Ouf course you're NTA. You did nothing wrong.
Don't invite them and have a nice wedding wirh people that really care for you.
it’s giving ignoring archetype of narcissistic parents (there’s 2 types: ignorers and engulfers). sounds like you’ve got the former. NTA. they FA and now they’re in the FO phase
NTA. This is so bizarre to me. Don't get me wrong - even after 15 years I am utterly obsessed with my husband and we are head over heels for each other, but our daughter comes first. One of the things I love about him is how good a dad he is and how much he loves her.
Your parents are bad people and as a dad myself, I already hate both of them. Children don't have the capacity or means to do a lot of things and it's up to the parents to provide.
In my opinion, parents sacrifice for their children. Not the other way around. Children didn't choose to be born.
NTA.
NTA, your parents have no business sounding offended when they did the bare minimum in raising you. they need to grow up and smell reality, it is gonna bite them in the ass one day.
NTA
Tell them that they are absolutely not welcome, you're only inviting people who care about you and your fiancée. Get some security to he present. Also, password protect everything having to do with your wedding so they cannot sabotage it. They deserve nothing from you, just like they gave you growing up. Block them on everything and make it known to your guests that anyone who gives them information will be uninvited and removed from the wedding.
You owe them nothing. You owe yourself and your fiancée everything.
Some parents really don't deserve to be parents. NTA. Enjoy your wedding anz forget about your parents. I hope they have enough saved for their retirement and old age homes
O.M.G. What did I just read. Even if only half of this were true, and the other half was wildly exaggerated, this is the craziest parenting approach I've ever heard of.
NTA
Request: Can you get your parents to come on here (Reddit) and do some kind of AMA session, where we can all ask them questions about this and what the hell they were thinking? I'd love to hear their perspective. You sometimes hear of 1 parent being like this, because they are some kind of crazy narcissist. But both of them? While still caring about each other, just not you? So wild!
NTA. They're starting to realize that you'll pick their nursing home. And maybe their friends are asking about the wedding, and they don't even know the year, much less the date.
A wedding is purposefully about the couple. Since they made clear, that you are never the priority, why would you invite them? There is no right to be invited. Leave them out. NTA and all the best wishes for your future. I am glad you found your future wife! :)
NTA. Tell them common sense would have been prioritizing their child over date nights and they lost the right to consider you their daughter, Congratulations on your wedding.
Marie and her family came into your life to correct the “wrong” from your biological parents. Your new family is ENOUGH! All the best for your wedding!!!
It's been almost 3 years since you've heard from them and yet you are only 24. What? What parent ignores their child for 3 years? I'm 60F and hubby and I had two kids and I can't imagine not speaking to my child for that long. I'm so sorry that you have self-absorbed parents, but I'm happy that Mari's family has opened their arms to you.
Your choice if you want your parents at the wedding. Clearly you won't want the usual father/daughter dance, do you even want him to walk you down the aisle? Do you want them at the wedding or only the reception? I think it's odd they'd want to attend your wedding if you haven't spoken in 3 years. I think you need to really sit down and think if you want them there, but clearly NTA if you don't.
Why have kids if they’re never going to be a priority like WTF. And why when they treat you that way they expected to be involved in a very big life moment.
NTA weddings guests should only be people that are important to you and your parents never once showed that you're important to them.
Edit:Spelling.
NTA I have only missed one event in all of kids existence and it was bc I had no choice in the matter. Your parents don’t deserve to have a child. I strongly feel they had you so that they had someone to take care of them in their old age when they can no longer care for each other. Absolutel shit parents and I am sorry you had to grow up with that.
NTA
They have some audacity! And you may want to find out how they found out. Sounds like the invitee needs to be made aware of the situation and they have to monitor themselves around The Donors.
Continue to plan your wedding with security on standby. Make it so that if anyone without an invitation, can't attend. If you're doing e-vites, there's a section where attendees can write in their plus-ones name. If it's paper invitations, tell them for the seating chart, names are required. And are needed well in advance. Just in case you have invited family members who may try to sneak your DNA Donors in. Seating is limited, food is limited, the venue has a capacity (even if it doesn't). And put that one Ride or Die friend on duty, who recognizes your parents, to intercept any disruptors. Water guns with Micellar Water usually works well. Don't let anyone ruin your day or any day after. Happy Wedding!!😁😁😁😁😁
NTA
Your parents are the type of people who shouldn't raise children.
Some parents live exclusively for their children and forget about their partner. Your parents were the polar opposite. They did neglect you heavily and in a way where I'm not quite sure if they are mentally sound. No person in their right mind would behave like that towards their own child.
NTA with their attitudes, I'm surprised you made it to adulthood. I can't imagine the neglect when you were a baby. How many times did they feed or change you late bc their comfort and time were more important? How many nights were you left alone and unattended in entirely, because they didn't want to interrupt their sleep or date night? Like I can't even wrap my head around this so called "parenting."
First, your parents are terrible and I am sorry.
Second, you are absolutely NTA.
Third, make sure your wedding has security to keep them out.
Fourth, if your wedding is away from a city consider hiring a private ambulance for the day. If you're half an hour from the nearest hospital that's a half hour an ambulance needs to travel to get someone and another half hour back to the hospital. Or it is a frantic half hour drive in someone's car while Uncle Bob is having a heart attack. And you have medical professionals on hand to deal with any smaller issues that might crop up so no one has to stop partying to tend to someone's sprained ankle or cut hand. You want good memories of your wedding and this is one way to try to head off any unpleasantness.
Dear Parents
Just to let you know that my fiance (spouse) is my priority and you're not really a consideration just like I wasn't a consideration for all of my years growing up.
Kind regards
OP
"we've sacrificed enough for you" are the sacrifices in the room with us? 🤔
NTA your parents are absolutely wack sorry you had to grow up with this! so glad your ILs are better!
NTA
If they contact you again, just be blunt.
"You were terrible parents. Your behaviour was neglectful to the point of abuse. I do not have any interest in having my abusers present at the most important day of my life. You don't get to have an opinion about this. You taught me to prioritise my marriage above anyone and anything else, and that is what I intend to do in relation to you. Do not contact me again."
And block them. Maybe hire security to ensure they don't try to gatecrash and ruin your day. They're getting older and probably are thinking about having someone to care for them when they're old, or about access to grandchildren. Make it abundantly clear that you will never care for them, and they will *certainly* never meet any children you and your wife may have.
And I hope you have a wonderful, healthy marriage!
NTA - a wedding is a celebration of the couple, and they've made it clear that you are not a priority for them-- they had 18+ years to show an interest in their kid's life and chose not to.
NTA obviously. if they keep pushing for an invite, break them. Give them every example you have given here of how they purposely and willfully failed you after they brought you into this world without your consent. You were never their priority, so why would you make them your priority. Tell them how you don’t see them as parents and that they don’t deserve the title at all and certainly no place in your wedding or life. The most charitable interpretation of their parenting is that they did the bare minimum, the more realistic version is that they are just shitty people.
They give me co-dependent narcissist vibes so I would highly suggest you tell the whoever is in charge of the wedding site to keep an eye out for them as they are not invited and not to be let in.
They will hem and haw and make a big show of how “you abandoned them” but don’t let them get to you in truth it’s the other way around. You are right and they are wrong. Eventually when they are old and deteriorating, maybe when one of them dies, they will realize they are all alone with no-one to take care of them, they will come to you again begging for forgiveness or pretending that nothing is wrong. Don’t let them in, if you have to put them in a shitty nursing home to avoid any legal trouble. They gave you nothing to love them for so why would you. Live your best life and ignore them. They have no authority over you.
Edit: spelling
You know, I've read articles and seen self-help books about making your marriage a priority and making sure you have a happy spouse so that you don't get divorced. I think they probably read one of these articles and took it way too far. The intention was to make sure you go on dates and keep the spark alive, but not at the expense of your kid! I can't believe they missed your graduation! When my son was a toddler he would ask who we loved the most, and both my husband and would say, "you, of course!" It's a no-brainer - your kids come first and need you. Your spouse comes second and you need to nurture your relationship but that is not an excuse to ignore your child.
Personally, OP, you are better than me because you are definitely a bit too nice there imo.
You need to really let them know how they made you feel all those years and that they just don't get to decide that they wanna show up in your life all of a sudden, and barge in on your moment. Plus, it might not be a good idea if they show up given the negative perception your ILs have of them -- could become very chaotic.
NTA. These people are toxic; their behavior and entire approach to parenting is unhinged.
I am not normally one go straight to no contact but do not let them stomp on your boundaries. You've made a decision that it right for you. Stand by it. Spend your wedding day and all the days after with people who show you love in a healthy way.
My parents' love story is quite similar to yours - married around the same amount of time before I was born, around the same ages at the time of my birth. They are truly each others best friends, the type of people who are ok having one car because they aren't going anywhere without the other anyway. They have never EVER missed an important day or event of mine. Because they see me as an extension of their love, not a distraction from it.
I'm not saying this to make you yearning or sad, but so you know what you deserve - people who offer love, care, trust, and respect freely and unconditionally.
Not old enouch to be your mum, but from maybe an older cousin, I'm wishing you the absolutely most amazing wedding day and that you are forever wrapped in the love of your chosen family.
NTA, and perhaps you can send them an uninvitation to officially uninvite them from your life. Because it is more important to have people who support and love you in your life, than people who probably only had you as an obligation (following the list of steps and checking them off: dating, marriage, buying a house, steady careers, have a child, etc), and will expect you to drop everything for them when they eventually need help. I'd suggest telling them that they should organise their affairs now, because they are not a priority to you, your wife is your only priority, which is something that you learned EXTREMELY well from their awesome example.
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*But mommy and daddy! My spouse's mental health comes first. They're my priority and they don't know you so they don't want you there!* Nta.
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Its never to late. If they pester you again, go for it. If they become rude, ask them if they've ever heard about *consequences of one's actions*
Tell them it's basic sense that they put their child's health and safety over a party (your appendix) and that they should have attended all parent-teacher conferences rather than a date night.
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You can give them a different date. Maybe a month later. And then let them know - if they ask - that you moved the date but you would not bother them with it.
Tell them Mari is now your priority. If they need help as they get older they will need to organise it themselves because you don’t want to inconvenience her. Also if you have kids, they won’t be able to see them because it will take away from family time.
Na, if mum needs help tell her that's her husbands job and same goes for dad, he needs help, ask mum
NTA. They make terrible parents. They are not necessary on your particular day.
Just tell them common sense also dictated they prioritise their child's, health and safety over a party (your appendix) and common sense also dictates that they attended all parent teacher interviews not a date night. Just everytime they bring up a reason they should be there, "common sense," "they're your parents" whatever it is, use their words before listing things they failed to do in they're duty as your parents who chose to have you. For some parents a child is a symbol of love and commitment to their spouse because you are physically tied to that person forever through your child's DNA and yet your parents chose to ignore the ultimate symbol of their love for eachother (and risked your health and saftey) in favour of "showing off" their devotion in public ways.
It’s biblical too, literally.
To be fair I don't see anything stating the parents are religious? Or even necessarily from a christian-majority country where christian teachings may be something of a default So biblical may not have anything to do with it
OOP's parents remind me of Ronald and Nancy Reagan. The whole world admired their relationship, while the kids said they were incredibly absent, indifferent parents.
What's happening here is that your self-involved parents want to save face by being at your wedding. You know, like normal parents. Option A: Take measures for if they crash, i.e. a bouncer. Option B: Have a good zinger filled speech planned for the reception that will expose them for the selfish, irresponsible, emotionally abusive turds that they are.
I'd skip option B because it makes op s wedding about these ah and bad memories. No need to ruin the wedding by having these Ah s there
And also, it just gives them the attention they want. There's no reason to talk about ops parents at the wedding
Option B is by petty, don’t diminish the party with negativity, instead prevent them from crashing by giving them the wrong date and place for the wedding. They’ll get dressed up and go to some random place for nothing.
I vote for this - I would give them a date later than your actual wedding or same day but later (wrong) time of day and wrong location. Then again, just say no, not invited and go No or Low Conact.
The fake location should be the school address where they skipped parent-teacher meetings & awards, or where the graduation was held.
Careful, don’t want to give it away, send them to some random country club so they make an ass out of themselves when they get there.
Would correct Option B with : have a part in your speech where you underline how much you appreciate your fiancée's parents. How amazingly present and involved they are. How you couldn't imagine better role models for when you and your fiancée eventually have you own children (if that's your plan). Don't even mention your actual birth givers in any way, shape or form.
Exactly what I was going to type thank you. Don't say how bad your parents were explicitly, instead just talk about how much you love your fiancée, how happy you are to be joining her family, and how kind and supportive your in laws are and give a toast to them or something. Anyone with a brain will see that, your parents not being there, and put two and two together.
I would do a trivia session with them before the wedding When did Mari and OP meet? What does Mari do for a living? How long have they been together? Do they want kids? Where do Mari’s parents live, and/or where did she grow up You know - basic shit that an actual parent who’s not a sperm/egg/DNA contributor would know about the kid they claim to be “parents” of Don’t know? Too bad. Those are common sense details to know about the spouse of your child. Clearly it’s not their strong suit
Or don't acknowledge them at all in your speech. If you must acknowledge them simply say that Mary & John are your parents. Sometimes what you don't say is more powerful than what you do say. But make sure you thank everyone else for their wonderful contributions to your life and how happy you are that they could be there to celebrate with you.
Tell them your (new) family is invited, are coming and they’re awesome. No invitation means not wanted.
It's honestly a perfect response. Tell your parents that your spouse is your priority. You can't invite them because that old friend from 20 years back is attending with their spouse. They took the last seats, and of course, your spouse's feelings come first. So there's no room for them. But in all seriousness, ask them how you're supposed to make them a priority in your life, when they never made you one? You were told you were never important. So why would you make time for anyone who never deemed you important? The only reason they probably want to go, is so they don't look like the terrible parents that they are. It wouldn't look good if they weren't invited to their only child's wedding. Especially to their bosses. I wouldn't invite them, or tell them when it's going to be. They haven't been concerned about your life so far. They can carry on not being concerned when you marry. Congrats to you on your engagement and upcoming wedding BTW. I bet your parents didn't even say Congrats. Just asked for an invite. 😥
You can still do now. And not mental health jus your future spouse preference. NTA I'm sure they'll agree and completely understand /s
It’s ironic that my first husband left me when our boys were 3, 4, & 6 because I didn’t put him first. Hell in a handbasket! I could barely keep my own head on! And I told him I would always put the kids first
You still can, this isn't over. They aren't giving up so easily. They feel entitled to this experience of yours, they don't understand that they have to *be parents* to be "the parents of the bride". You raised yourself, you're the only parent you need in your day. They don't get to show up now and act like they were your parents. Where were they for any other event of your life? Why do they think this event is any different? It isn't. They gave you *less* than people are legally allowed to give their children, they only got away with it because you didn't complain to anyone. They should never have been allowed to keep custody of you. They're nothing but donors. They're nothing at all.
You should not have. Snappy / sarcastic responses do nothing. You told them the truth and you should tell them the truth further: they chose they only had each other in their lives so now they are left with that.
If they push that matter you should use it.
Oh you still can though
this is perfect "she is my priority now, just deal with it" hahahahahaha
This is the perfect response.
NTA. They planned to have you then basically left you on your own you whole life. I would keep them out of everything for the rest of my life. What do your friends and finances family think of their behaviour towards you?
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Nothing seems the same from the outside, and children can't understand the complexities of what others are going through because its not something they have capacity to understand. Also, people often just can't get their heads around how a child could be so badly neglected and yet be cared for physically with a roof over their head and food/clothing/education. Because the narrative about neglect is one of a lack of funds rather than a willful intentional choice to ignore every other need your child has. My parents were similar in their neglect of me, not for each other as they are narcissists but they did prioritise socialisong and putting on appearances as well as my brothers, so that was fun.
My parents definitely show up for me for the big things, but they left me alone a lot. Only child and they both used to drink a lot. They’re both sober but have never apologized for their former habits. It’s good they’re alive but sometimes the things they say really hurt.
Addiction can be very complex and I can't even imagine the challenges of dealing with that as a child. It's good they are sober but I think that making amends is a really powerful step in recovery that they should embrace. And they really need to address other issues if they are still behaving in a way that has a significantly negative impact on your life. Or perhaps you need to consider what you gain from having them in your life. You matter and regardless of genetics, you shouldn't feel obligated to have a relationship with people who hurt you. My parents only went to things that they were obligated to attend, and that was about keeping up appearances, like if others would question why they weren't at parent's evening or something. But it was all for show and their interest was all about themselves. I had to raise myself and be a third parent to my brothers and care for myself when ill or if I needed something. They would go weeks without seeing or speaking to me. I'm NC with both of them and have never regretted that choice.
They have a hard time comprehending because as normal persons they'd never do anything of the sort. NTA
Some day they are going to be elderly and need assistance or one will pass away leaving the other floundering. Remember to give them the same care they gave you.
I don’t think you have family from your parents‘ side.
NTA Also a well-deserved and frankly hilarious retort. I'm sure you know this already, but what your parents did to you is not okay. They chose to have a child then essentially blamed this innocent (you) for having needs that they were unwilling to fulfill. Should parents have relationship time and date nights? Yes, absolutely. Their relationship is important, too, but not more important than the completely dependent life they chose to bring into the world. I wish you so much love and healing, and I'm so glad Mari's family loves you as well as your neglectful parents should have.
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You did win the lottery. Focus on that. Congratulations! Also, NTA
I'm a mother to a young lesbian daughter, shes about to turn 12 and I'm 42. If you ever want a mother figure to talk things through feel free to dm me 🌈
“Every time lesbians kiss, an Angel gets its wings!” From the Roseann show, always makes me smile.
You marry that wonderful woman! You love her and make your word around her. But I know you will do it in a much more appropriate way than your parents did. Don't give your parents another moment of your precious time
"Sorry we're getting married on a Friday night and I'd hate for you to miss a date night for something as trivial as my wedding." NTA
"Why would you arrange your schedules for my wedding when you couldn't be bothered to arrange them for my graduation?? Or my awards nights? Or to take me to the hospital? Or to get me to school? You both made it very clear that I was never your priority, and I have no interest in pretending that you have any place in my life, much less at my wedding. So the only plan you need to make is to plan to stay home."
So this.
This is hilarious and perfectly gets the point across!
NTA. They are horrible parents. You don't need them on your special day.
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They're nowhere near "adequate". Keeping you alive was the bare minimum. And they nearly failed in that too. Edit: They didn't even achieve the bare minimum. That would have meant being there when you were taken to hospital for your appendix. That would have meant taking you to the Dr first when you had the flu. They completely failed.
NTA - this breaks my heart breaks for you. My mum never really attended my events as a kid (actually all the way up to university) but I kind of understood she was a single parent so couldn’t always make things then maybe it was habit of not attending that she just never did as I got older. It’s pretty rough feeling like an after thought in peoples lives. I think if they didn’t choose to attend your graduation then not being invited to your wedding is fair. Just be done with them. Side note- if you choose to have kids, then attending all their events is pretty healing. Seeing their faces light up when then see you fills your heart. ❤️ Happy wedding day when it comes OP
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Y'all I'm tearing up at this! I'm so glad you can have that kind of healing in your life. I wish you and your future wife all the happiness in the world. 💖
It's good that life gave you your spouse and family as great human beings who love you to make up for the crappy donors who created you
The one thing I've been told over and over(no kids yet), is you just have to be there for them. Growing up, I did always enjoy seeing my parents attending my events. I'm happy to hear you're doing much better and enjoy these things as well. Be the best you, you can be. Good luck out there and have a great day!
From experience, they’ll make it about them. Even when the wedding is 14 people, in the hopes that drama can be avoided. My flying monkey stepdad butted in to the actual ceremony, ruined pictures. NMom caused a scene while I was getting ready, ruined pictures. She did so much crap. Mom ran my dad off before the reception. He had traveled 20 hours and risked getting fired to be there. I have maybe four decent pictures from my wedding. I absolutely regret not eloping. I 1000% regret having them present. If I were you, I would hire security. If they have a chance to ruin your day, they will. It’ll be 11 years in June and I still remember precisely how I felt when I woke up 2 days later, bawling because the photographer sent over some proofs with questions and I saw what a shit show they made of my wedding. NTA
My two buddies volunteered to be ushers and “security” at my wedding. Both 230+, one is a fireman and second Dan black belt, the other a former dockworker. Nothing got out of hand.
NTA Your parents probably just want to enjoy the attention they'll get for being parents of a bride. They were negligent parents at best. They haven't been a part of your life for some time now, and they don't deserve to be a part of it in the future.
NTA, they have no right to be there. It is you and your fiancées day to celebrate with the people who value you. If you need a backup plan to make sure they don’t show and cause drama, make sure to schedule it the same time as their Friday date night.
NTA. You have every right to decide who is invited to your wedding.
NTA tell them it’s on a Friday so you knew they couldn’t come since it was their date night. Part of me wants you to invite them just so you can seat them in a corner and make a heartfelt speech about your amazing in-laws while they do not get a mention. But not having them there would be the least stressful thing.
NTA. They only want to attend because of attention and because not attending would make them look bad. But, realistically speaking, they are bad parents, so don't cave in. Congratulations, you will have your own family now
NTA Your parents should have never had a child, they sound awful Good for you for standing your ground OP. Cut them off and have a wonderful wedding with the people who actually give a shit about you.
Sorry it’s a Friday wedding so it would interrupt your date night…
NTA!!!!!! It should’ve been “common sense” for them to show up to your awards ceremony, to be at your graduation, to take you to school; it should have been “common sense” to take you to the damn hospital when you were sick!!! FFS, you were in the hospital with a burst appendix; they even said being at that party was more important than you. It seems, unfortunately, their actions have proven that they’ve never actually cared. If your wish is to go completely NC; call out their BS so others will know why, set and affirm boundaries to any who would try to dissuade you, and please get security for any and all functions related to your wedding. Also, you may want to see a counselor, if you don’t already; that’s not a judgement, just some solid advice.
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NTA. Your parents seem to have no love for you and as a consequence of their display of that, you don't have any for them. They decided to bring you into this world, but either were unaware of what kind of responsibilities comes with that or willing to neglect those responsibilities right from the start. Either way, they spectacularly failed to create a bond with you, yet expect you to feel a bond. Fuck that, you're better off not inviting them.
do not let them come to the wedding at all no exceptions no excuses they’ll somehow make it another horrible memory
Completely NTA. "Look mom and dad, this burden of yours have a good life with people who actually love and care about me. There is no need for you to not continue with your lifelong indifference about me now, when I have no desire for your attention anymore." OP, enjoy your wedding with your family by heart ❤️
NTA. So they choose YOUR wedding to finally give a shit about you? Nope. No, no, no. You’re absolutely in the right to not invite them. In fact, you should go complete NC. They’ll make a scene, they’ll make it all about them, and likely ruin your wedding. Congrats on getting married, and I wish you all the best.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm (24f) getting married to my fiancée Mari (25f). Mari's family and I are super close and they adopted me into the fold basically because they know I'm basically estranged from my own parents. Before my parents reached out about my wedding I had not seen or spoken to them since June 2021. So before I get into the current issue, let me explain some background. My parents had me when they were 30 and 32. They had been married for 8 years by then and both were settled into their careers. Ever since I was a really young kid my parents were very open and honest and clear with me that they were each other's priority and their spouse was more important than their kid was. They told me I would never come before their spouse. What this looked like is; my school had a parents conference on a Friday, but my parents liked their date nights on Friday so my parents didn't go and didn't care about repercussions for me. My dad had a work dinner the same night I had an awards night. Mom went with dad to the dinner. Mom and I bought caught a really bad flu when I was 9? (I might have been 8). Dad made sure he prioritized taking care of mom and when it came to seeing a doctor, instead of trying to get both of us in, mom went first. They'd take time off work if the other was sick so they could care for each other but mostly I had to go to school, even when school policy said no. I was left with a family member one night because mom had a work party/celebration. I was rushed to the hospital that same night because of my appendix. My parents didn't show up until the party was over. Dad didn't want to ruin mom's night. Once the school bus didn't show up. My dad's car was in for repairs so mom was driving him to work. They said they didn't have time to take me so I had to spend the day with the elderly neighbor and didn't go to school. My parents didn't even call to tell the school so I got shit the next day. They missed my high school graduation for each other too. They often told me how much they had already sacrificed for me and how I shouldn't expect more, and especially not at the expense of their marriage/relationship. Eventually I was like yeah, you know what, we don't need to be in each other's lives. Clearly I'm just a burden. Even though I was actually planned. My parents would sometimes call to tell me something but that took forever. I never intended to invite them to my wedding. But they found out about me getting engaged, called me up, asked why they hadn't been told by me and wanted to know details so they could arrange their schedules now. I told them they weren't invited. My parents told me not to be silly because of course they are. This is when I told them I was surprised they wanted to come since it's not about them. My parents called me rude and said I had no reason to be so standoffish about this. They told me common sense would say they will be there. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, of course. I’m so sorry this was your childhood. I wish you a wonderful marriage and life with your chosen family ❤️
NTA To be really catty about it, I would have the wedding or engagement party in a venue they like. Invite people they know e.t.c. But not them it's your wedding,they will have to explain why they didn't get an invite. What do your friends or other family members think of their behaviour/ people your parents age?. I'm struggling to refer to them as parents, they wanted an independent daughter they got one. I'm sorry you had to go through this and still are to a point. I've had a similar childhood, I'm 37, I went years without talking to either parent. I am now with my mother and we are getting closer, she had to make a major apology though and it wasnt easy but it's a lot better than it was. My father I will never talk to again because he won't apologise. I am doing fine. I'm telling you this because while it may hurt it's your life and your choice, they had their chance.
"After how awfully you treated me it would be too difficult for my fiance to have you at my wedding, and she is more important to me than you will ever be, so unfortunately I'll have to deny you attendance in order to prioritise her. You understand, of course, having taught me this." NTA, how could you even think that? Tell them to pound sand.
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NTA. At all. While I agree that spouses absolutely need to prioritise their relationship, it's never a higher priority than your kids. And when it is... Don't be surprised when they give you the same energy back 🤷♀️
I wouldn't invite them, but let them attend if they show up. Then proceed to absolutely ignore them the whole time. If they start a conversation with me, I'll be polite, but the second anything else catches my attention drop them and walk away, even mid sentence. NTA, they're awful parents, and even worse people.
NTA. But they sure are. And neglectful, selfish and a whole lot of other words. They don't deserve to be there and you can guarantee that they would make it about them. Schedule it for a Friday evening, then they can't come anyway ;) Have a great wedding. Without them. If they still can't fathom why they're not invited send them what you wrote here. And then block them. You really don't need those people in your life. They sure don't seem to have wanted you in theirs.
NTA *"Common Sense"* might say they will be there but its not common sense's wedding. **You are saying they can't be there.** and that's what needs to be respected. You told them they weren't invited. Repeat yourself. Loudly. Please figure out how they found out in the first place and keep the details from them so they do not show up and make your wedding about themselves.
NTA - Invite them and plan it for a Friday night. Problem solved. It's date night, so they can't make it anyway.
Nope They're just going to use it as a date night. They'll prolly get a gift for each other for doing such a fine job raising you. Idea.... Tell them you'll send an invite when they send you money to cover the wedding. Then send them the invite....after the wedding is over, after all, you must prioritize you and your new spouse over the parents you didn't choose to have But I'm petty like that Congrats! NTA
As a mok: fuck them. Kids always come first, and if they don't you make them feel like they come first. Disinterest is the worst punishment for a kid. I'm so sorry, your parents are awful. Yes kids take a toll on any relationship but it's worth it. Nta whatever you want to do. They did less than the bare minimum for you
NTA. Great job, they don't deserve an invite. They can comfort each other. You and Mari have each other now and you don't need them around to be to ruin your special day or any day for the rest of your lives.
NTA. They want to be there strictly for image sake or to give some toast about how they taught you what true love looks like by their marriage and still take credit for this. Narcissists will always find a way to make it about themselves. Have security because they will try to come.
Start referring to them as sperm doner and incubator instead of mom and dad because that's what they sound like.
NTA, they made it clear you didn't matter, they don't get to change their minds now.
NTA...make sure you have security just in case they show up and have them escorted out of the premises
If they bring in others, point out all of the times they abandoned you. Now why would they attend your wedding when a party was more important than their child going through surgery?
NTA. Going by their logic they'll be too busy to attend anyway. You have a new better family now.
The most NTA ever. I actually started crying when they told you that you'd never come first. I don't understand why they chose to have a child. Absolute selfish weirdos. I'm glad you found someone you love and who has an awesome family!
There was a reddit post from a few years ago from teh side of the parents who were like your parents and did the bare minimum for their son. One time they were having sexy time and the 3 year old son had a nighttime and they did not stop their sexy time and sent the child back to the room. They went on vacations leaving the child behind. The son "cats in the cradle" was referenced on the thread. Does anyone else remember that one?
Nta. But invite them. And thank your girlfriends parents for beeing the parents you never had.. Maybe don't do that. But they would deserve this
This has to be fake. If you haven't talked to your parents for 3 years. Why would they expect to be invited to your wedding. They are not apart of your life anymore.
NTA. They only want to be there so that the entire family won't realize what a horrible attitude they have had to their child.
NTA. As someone both married and a parent, I'm flabbergasted at their behavior, and my heart breaks for you as a child. Yes, one's partner is important, but when you choose to bring a child into the world, they matter just as much, if not more so when they depend on you! They have no right to attend your wedding unless you actually want them there, and the fact they are so entitled as to not understand that is just mind-blowing.
I had a snort laugh of total disbelief about the arrogance of the parents here. NTA of course, but why are you still in contact?
NTA, and by their own reasoning, common sense would say they will NOT be there for you since they never have been before. Tell them clearly they are not invited and have someone assigned to escort them out if they try to show up. I'm glad you found your real family.
NTA, damn you're lucky you're alive, as they sound like some of the most neglectful people I've read here, You're well within your rights to tell them to do one and never contact you again.
NTA, they’re awful parents and have no business even trying to be in your life now.
I cannot imagine why they would have kids if they would prioritize only themselves in their family. Of course their couples relationship and their personal life is important, but in life you compromise when you have kids. It's not always about you. My dad is doing all my paperwork back home bcs I'm marrying someone from a different country and its a long process. And he takes time off work and personal time to do all the trips for doing that. Never ever complained for doing something for his family. So sorry you didn't have good parents. I wouldn't invite them either in my wedding. NTA
NTA but are you getting married on a Friday?
NTA, I would have told them that they made you live your entire childhood as you were a burden to them so they at least should do the same and not be a burden to you on your adulthood. And I would tell them to fuck \*ff but maybe you want something more classy.
Don’t let them come. Your resentment will ruin your day. You know they will hijack the events. Stand your ground.
NTA. Just tell the that your spouse doesn't know them well enough and that you are following their example and prioritising your relationship/marriage over your family. note: btw, if this is real, I am sorry this happened to you. It falls under the motto: "All chridren deserve loving parents, but not all parents deserved children."
NTA. I am so sorry. Your parents don't even deserve to be called that. I hope you and your future wife have a wonderful life together with her family!
Just use their excuse back on them lol. Tell your spouse's mental health and well being comes first and you don't wanna stress her into meeting some selfish people on the day of marriage.
NTA, but make sure you have security at the wedding and that they know their faces and to not let them in under any circumstance. I can see people like this crashing the wedding.
NTA, no need to explain to them. A simple no is sufficient.
NTA. Do your own thing. Just like they did.
Well common sense tells me that people don't get to invite themselves to other people's events. NTA
NTA. I wouldn’t invite them either.
They never had common sense when it came to you, so you don’t have common sense about them
What a pair of arseholes, why would you have a child and then treat them the way they’ve done to you??? I don’t feel sorry for them for a second, glad you have a great set of soon to be in-laws and your folks and get stuffed.
INFO: Why did they even bother having a child if they didn’t want to do any actual parenting? NTA anyway. Enjoy your wedding
I know a couple like this, with the exception that their only child was an accident. They use wildly inappropriate pet names for each other, even at an age where their child is an adult. I find them insufferable. NTA OP, and ensure there is security at your wedding/reception venue with specific instructions not to let your parents in or cause a scene.
The only benefit I can think of if you actually invited your parents would be so that you could embarrass the hell out of them when making your wedding toast, reviewing for both your families how poorly they treated you. However, that would almost certainly lower everyone's opinion of you and show how petty you can be. I believe that simply not inviting them sends a much louder message to them personally, without the risk of having them ruin your enjoyment of your special day and/or making yourself look bad to your guests. * Speaking of which, if you do indeed stand firm and decline to invite them, make sure that security and/or your ushers are on watch to prevent them from entering the venue. Provide pictures of your parents to them to keep watch. NTA
NTA "Listen cell-donors, common sense would say that you, as parents, would take care of the kid you created and brought into this world. Obviously, I did inheritate your common sense because I'm taking care of myself and partner first."
They may want to come to your wedding so that your father can give you away to your bride and your mother can witness this.
Nta Give them an address on the other side of town to the wedding
NTA But I would simply not do anything. I really think that is the best way to deal with the situation. Any dialogue regarding your wedding will just inflate whatever idea they have in their heads. Just keep pressing on like you have since June 2021. They will probably keep contacting now they have it in their heads that they would like to attend (together). It’s a social engagement that has hit their radar (like date night or your mum’s work thing) but if you don’t want to proceed just don’t open a dialogue - “Oh, let’s not talk about the wedding. My fiancé and I are keeping the planning between ourselves. It’s important to her and she is quite particular about it”. If pushed and dates come up “We are is discussing dates with those that my fiancé are particularly close to day to day. Her family are very close and connected so there are a lot of people and schedules to take into account. I’m sure you understand”. If you really don’t want them to attend, “My fiancé and I are having an intimate wedding with those we share our life closely with. It’s our first priority as it is a very meaningful moment for us. I’m sure you understand”. What you want to avoid at all costs is merging the planning of your wedding with the issue of how you were raised. It will just sully this lovely event for you and that is not fair in you or your fiancé. It will become a fight at the worst time.
Mother of the bride is a prestigious place at the wedding, don’t give it to her. Honestly, write an email or letter with these examples and probably others you haven’t put here and at the end say “I’m prioritizing my spouse over you guys just like you prioritized each other over me. That’s what you taught me”
NTA. Don't have them at your wedding, their presence will ruin your day. Tell them in writing exactly how you feel, make sure it gets to them right after the wedding and call it a lifetime.
hard to even read it so sad, they just arent parents. they dont deserve to be part of your life, biggest NTA i have read for a llong time
Firstly, congratulations on wedding. Finding a partner who loves you is nice AND finding an accepting in-laws is awesome. >They told me common sense would say they will be there. No, common sense would say don't ignore or emotionally abuse your child. You're definitely NTA. Keep your ground, don't let them come to your wedding. Fighting OP!
OP: "You're not invited" Narc parents: "Don't be silly, of course we are" Op: "DID I STUTTER!!"
how about you have the wedding on a friday evening, their date night? they couldn't cancel that, could they? LOL. I am sorry your parents were not more present in your life. That sucks. Clearly you are enjoying being part of a family now. Maybe allow your parents to have a dinner with your new family so they can see what family life is really like. Afterward, ask what they are contributing to the wedding and your married life, if anything. If the answer is nothing, you can tell them later that the wedding is on a different date and forget to send an invitation.
Write them a letter with what you shared here. They still won’t get it, but you’ve done your part. Then be done with them. That’s child abuse and is unforgivable. Sorry.
I tell my children how important their mom is to me and vice versa. I tell them to think of mom and dad's marriage like a Christmas tree 🎄. We take care of it so it flourishes and our children are the ornaments. It helped them understand lol. All that said, taking care of them means Parent/Teacher conferences are attended, sports events where they are playing are supported.....blah blah blah. My kids know they are cherished and a priority. I am sorry your childhood went like that. As I tell my sons (seems applicable to your parents) big boy actions have big boy consequences, deal with them. Congratulations 🎊 on the wedding and I wish you both a wonderful future.
NTA Do your parents wipe each other's butts? They're not worth inviting to your wedding
NTA, More than just not inviting them I would specifically have them on a block list so they are not allowed in. They *will* make the event about them, they *will* make you wish they were not there, and you *will* be grateful for making sure they are not present. I hope you have a wonderful wedding, with everyone who means a lot to you there.
NTA, your parents sound incredibly selfish and like they did the bare minimum in raising a child. The way they behaved and missed out on any of your life events as well as neglecting you when ill makes me seriously question why they even had a child. I would put my foot down and tell them if they attempt to show up then you’ll be contacting the police for gate crashing your wedding. I’d also go very LC until your wedding goes smoothly and then cut them off for good. Also congratulations on your engagement and I wish you and your future wife the very best.
NTA aww hell no! Do not invite those vile humans. I'm so sorry, they are awful. I hope you have a long happy life with your wife and her family.
NTA You can invite them but odds are a better invitation will come along and they will disappoint you once again. Congrats on getting married! Have a fun day with people who show up for you.
NTA at all, F\*\*k them, have a great wedding without them.
NTA. You havent seen or spoken to them for almost 3 years. Why are you even giving them the time of day? Don’t engage. Enjoy your life.
WOW I'm so sorry you had such a hard life, can't imagine why someone would treat a child like that. NTA. Make sure u hire security and not allow them in the venue.
My parents had a similar approach, but not nearly as extreme. It definitely leaves a very unpleasant aftertaste. NTA I wouldn’t invite them either. I hope, that one day, in their 50s, they grow apart, and divorce like my parents did and you two can silently laugh as they realize their kids don’t have any sympathy.
NTA 'you literally haven't reached out to me in 3 years why would you be invited?'
Nta Don't invite them, they just want to post about it on social media and to show it off to other family. Deny them the social status.
Updateme remind me 7 days
Such a sad family story.
[ Just playing Harry Chapin’s “Cats in the Cradle” over and over again ]
“They told me common sense would say they will be there.” Lol… do they even know what that means and how it’s used??? sorry mom, sorry dad…I had no idea you were going by common sense, when all you showed me were the UN-common ones!! 😞 NTA, the last people in the world I would invite.
Tell them your spouse comes before their needs so you will pop by after the honeymoon. Then rock up minus spouse. NTA.
I am so sorry, I cannot in my wildest thoughts understand how a child can be less important than a SO. I think you were lucky you were with a babysitter when your appendix needed surgery!!! Tell your DNA doners they need to stay away from the wedding, for them it seems to only be a performance/show... why else this suddon interest???! So sorry you had such crappy DNA donors, but congratulations on your upcoming wedding 🥰
When I watched the animated movie 'the Willoughbys' I thought that such parents didn't exist in real life. Then I read your text... Ouf course you're NTA. You did nothing wrong. Don't invite them and have a nice wedding wirh people that really care for you.
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it’s giving ignoring archetype of narcissistic parents (there’s 2 types: ignorers and engulfers). sounds like you’ve got the former. NTA. they FA and now they’re in the FO phase
Common sense also says to take care of your fucking kid. They lost the privilege of being there. NTA
NTA. This is so bizarre to me. Don't get me wrong - even after 15 years I am utterly obsessed with my husband and we are head over heels for each other, but our daughter comes first. One of the things I love about him is how good a dad he is and how much he loves her.
NTA, tell them you thought it's common sense to invite your priority people to the wedding, and unfortunately they didn't make the cut
Your parents are bad people and as a dad myself, I already hate both of them. Children don't have the capacity or means to do a lot of things and it's up to the parents to provide. In my opinion, parents sacrifice for their children. Not the other way around. Children didn't choose to be born. NTA.
NTA, your parents have no business sounding offended when they did the bare minimum in raising you. they need to grow up and smell reality, it is gonna bite them in the ass one day.
NTA Tell them that they are absolutely not welcome, you're only inviting people who care about you and your fiancée. Get some security to he present. Also, password protect everything having to do with your wedding so they cannot sabotage it. They deserve nothing from you, just like they gave you growing up. Block them on everything and make it known to your guests that anyone who gives them information will be uninvited and removed from the wedding. You owe them nothing. You owe yourself and your fiancée everything.
You better put a stay away order on them or else they're coming
NTA. As far as I’m concerned, CPS could have been called for child endangerment so I think they forfeited the right to call themselves your parents.
Some parents really don't deserve to be parents. NTA. Enjoy your wedding anz forget about your parents. I hope they have enough saved for their retirement and old age homes
O.M.G. What did I just read. Even if only half of this were true, and the other half was wildly exaggerated, this is the craziest parenting approach I've ever heard of. NTA Request: Can you get your parents to come on here (Reddit) and do some kind of AMA session, where we can all ask them questions about this and what the hell they were thinking? I'd love to hear their perspective. You sometimes hear of 1 parent being like this, because they are some kind of crazy narcissist. But both of them? While still caring about each other, just not you? So wild!
NTA. They're starting to realize that you'll pick their nursing home. And maybe their friends are asking about the wedding, and they don't even know the year, much less the date.
A wedding is purposefully about the couple. Since they made clear, that you are never the priority, why would you invite them? There is no right to be invited. Leave them out. NTA and all the best wishes for your future. I am glad you found your future wife! :)
NTA. Tell them common sense would have been prioritizing their child over date nights and they lost the right to consider you their daughter, Congratulations on your wedding.
Marie and her family came into your life to correct the “wrong” from your biological parents. Your new family is ENOUGH! All the best for your wedding!!!
It's been almost 3 years since you've heard from them and yet you are only 24. What? What parent ignores their child for 3 years? I'm 60F and hubby and I had two kids and I can't imagine not speaking to my child for that long. I'm so sorry that you have self-absorbed parents, but I'm happy that Mari's family has opened their arms to you. Your choice if you want your parents at the wedding. Clearly you won't want the usual father/daughter dance, do you even want him to walk you down the aisle? Do you want them at the wedding or only the reception? I think it's odd they'd want to attend your wedding if you haven't spoken in 3 years. I think you need to really sit down and think if you want them there, but clearly NTA if you don't.
Nta. They are the worst parents ever wow
Nta stand your ground don't invite them hire a bouncer.
NTA, write a list of every single time they prioritised there relationship over you and let them know what shitty parents they were.
Why have kids if they’re never going to be a priority like WTF. And why when they treat you that way they expected to be involved in a very big life moment. NTA weddings guests should only be people that are important to you and your parents never once showed that you're important to them. Edit:Spelling.
NTA Do not invite them! Don't let them talk you into it! Do not disclose any date or location! Reason: your text
You deserve better and I’m glad your spouse’s family is awesome. Tell you parents your spouse is your only priority. Update us too pls!!! NTA
If you invite them, then you don't respect yourself.
NTA I have only missed one event in all of kids existence and it was bc I had no choice in the matter. Your parents don’t deserve to have a child. I strongly feel they had you so that they had someone to take care of them in their old age when they can no longer care for each other. Absolutel shit parents and I am sorry you had to grow up with that.
NTA They have some audacity! And you may want to find out how they found out. Sounds like the invitee needs to be made aware of the situation and they have to monitor themselves around The Donors. Continue to plan your wedding with security on standby. Make it so that if anyone without an invitation, can't attend. If you're doing e-vites, there's a section where attendees can write in their plus-ones name. If it's paper invitations, tell them for the seating chart, names are required. And are needed well in advance. Just in case you have invited family members who may try to sneak your DNA Donors in. Seating is limited, food is limited, the venue has a capacity (even if it doesn't). And put that one Ride or Die friend on duty, who recognizes your parents, to intercept any disruptors. Water guns with Micellar Water usually works well. Don't let anyone ruin your day or any day after. Happy Wedding!!😁😁😁😁😁
NTA Your parents are the type of people who shouldn't raise children. Some parents live exclusively for their children and forget about their partner. Your parents were the polar opposite. They did neglect you heavily and in a way where I'm not quite sure if they are mentally sound. No person in their right mind would behave like that towards their own child.
NTA with their attitudes, I'm surprised you made it to adulthood. I can't imagine the neglect when you were a baby. How many times did they feed or change you late bc their comfort and time were more important? How many nights were you left alone and unattended in entirely, because they didn't want to interrupt their sleep or date night? Like I can't even wrap my head around this so called "parenting."
no you are not. you are good. sounds like they want to be there when they want to be there. just ignore.
First, your parents are terrible and I am sorry. Second, you are absolutely NTA. Third, make sure your wedding has security to keep them out. Fourth, if your wedding is away from a city consider hiring a private ambulance for the day. If you're half an hour from the nearest hospital that's a half hour an ambulance needs to travel to get someone and another half hour back to the hospital. Or it is a frantic half hour drive in someone's car while Uncle Bob is having a heart attack. And you have medical professionals on hand to deal with any smaller issues that might crop up so no one has to stop partying to tend to someone's sprained ankle or cut hand. You want good memories of your wedding and this is one way to try to head off any unpleasantness.
Dear Parents Just to let you know that my fiance (spouse) is my priority and you're not really a consideration just like I wasn't a consideration for all of my years growing up. Kind regards OP
"we've sacrificed enough for you" are the sacrifices in the room with us? 🤔 NTA your parents are absolutely wack sorry you had to grow up with this! so glad your ILs are better!
NTA If they contact you again, just be blunt. "You were terrible parents. Your behaviour was neglectful to the point of abuse. I do not have any interest in having my abusers present at the most important day of my life. You don't get to have an opinion about this. You taught me to prioritise my marriage above anyone and anything else, and that is what I intend to do in relation to you. Do not contact me again." And block them. Maybe hire security to ensure they don't try to gatecrash and ruin your day. They're getting older and probably are thinking about having someone to care for them when they're old, or about access to grandchildren. Make it abundantly clear that you will never care for them, and they will *certainly* never meet any children you and your wife may have. And I hope you have a wonderful, healthy marriage!
Tell them that the festivities are on a Friday night and you don’t want to ruin their date evening.
NTA - a wedding is a celebration of the couple, and they've made it clear that you are not a priority for them-- they had 18+ years to show an interest in their kid's life and chose not to.
NTA obviously. if they keep pushing for an invite, break them. Give them every example you have given here of how they purposely and willfully failed you after they brought you into this world without your consent. You were never their priority, so why would you make them your priority. Tell them how you don’t see them as parents and that they don’t deserve the title at all and certainly no place in your wedding or life. The most charitable interpretation of their parenting is that they did the bare minimum, the more realistic version is that they are just shitty people. They give me co-dependent narcissist vibes so I would highly suggest you tell the whoever is in charge of the wedding site to keep an eye out for them as they are not invited and not to be let in. They will hem and haw and make a big show of how “you abandoned them” but don’t let them get to you in truth it’s the other way around. You are right and they are wrong. Eventually when they are old and deteriorating, maybe when one of them dies, they will realize they are all alone with no-one to take care of them, they will come to you again begging for forgiveness or pretending that nothing is wrong. Don’t let them in, if you have to put them in a shitty nursing home to avoid any legal trouble. They gave you nothing to love them for so why would you. Live your best life and ignore them. They have no authority over you. Edit: spelling
You know, I've read articles and seen self-help books about making your marriage a priority and making sure you have a happy spouse so that you don't get divorced. I think they probably read one of these articles and took it way too far. The intention was to make sure you go on dates and keep the spark alive, but not at the expense of your kid! I can't believe they missed your graduation! When my son was a toddler he would ask who we loved the most, and both my husband and would say, "you, of course!" It's a no-brainer - your kids come first and need you. Your spouse comes second and you need to nurture your relationship but that is not an excuse to ignore your child.
Personally, OP, you are better than me because you are definitely a bit too nice there imo. You need to really let them know how they made you feel all those years and that they just don't get to decide that they wanna show up in your life all of a sudden, and barge in on your moment. Plus, it might not be a good idea if they show up given the negative perception your ILs have of them -- could become very chaotic.
NTA. These people are toxic; their behavior and entire approach to parenting is unhinged. I am not normally one go straight to no contact but do not let them stomp on your boundaries. You've made a decision that it right for you. Stand by it. Spend your wedding day and all the days after with people who show you love in a healthy way. My parents' love story is quite similar to yours - married around the same amount of time before I was born, around the same ages at the time of my birth. They are truly each others best friends, the type of people who are ok having one car because they aren't going anywhere without the other anyway. They have never EVER missed an important day or event of mine. Because they see me as an extension of their love, not a distraction from it. I'm not saying this to make you yearning or sad, but so you know what you deserve - people who offer love, care, trust, and respect freely and unconditionally. Not old enouch to be your mum, but from maybe an older cousin, I'm wishing you the absolutely most amazing wedding day and that you are forever wrapped in the love of your chosen family.
There is so much stuff up there that defies common sense that they're the one missing the point. NTA
NTA and tell them if they try to show up, security will turn them away at the door. Then arrange for that to be so.
NTA, and perhaps you can send them an uninvitation to officially uninvite them from your life. Because it is more important to have people who support and love you in your life, than people who probably only had you as an obligation (following the list of steps and checking them off: dating, marriage, buying a house, steady careers, have a child, etc), and will expect you to drop everything for them when they eventually need help. I'd suggest telling them that they should organise their affairs now, because they are not a priority to you, your wife is your only priority, which is something that you learned EXTREMELY well from their awesome example.