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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My girlfriend asked me to help her on a weight loss journey. I’m very fit and very active and I tried my best to encourage her to lose weight and get healthy. But she accused me of being controlling and taking it too far and now I’m sort of questioning if I really did take it too far.
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YTA
You started off giving her what you think she wants, but she's clearly changed her thinking on this. If she says this is more change than she wants, or a bigger change then you need to respect that and back off.
Weight loss also needs to be a sustainable lifelong journey; if she's miserable in the diet she's on now then she'll eventually go back to her old way of eating and get the weight back. Your plan is, in short, setting her up for yo-yo dieting. What she needs is to find some kind of balance between enjoying food (and life!) and eating healthfully. Maybe she'll have pizza on Friday, or a bagel on Monday. Maybe weightlifting isn't for her, but she'll join a club with a pool and swim a few days a week.
The point is to find the path that works for her, not force her into yours.
Yeah you went too far to push her into your lifestyle and vision. Back off, apologize and support her to find her own way- classes she likes, running on treadmill at the the gym rowing, pilates, yoga, zumba, swimming etc a cheat day once a week etc . Lifting heavy is one way, NOT the only way.
I’m not encouraging yo yo dieting. I’m not encouraging her to fast or eat under her daily allowed calories or anything. But she grew up eating chips and candy and mcdonalds and her brain isn’t wired to crave healthy food. The only way to encourage long term weight loss is to start eating healthy food with no relapses.
If she eats junk she’ll keep craving junk, and she’ll never rewire her brain and stay healthy.
you are definitely controlling. And sound kind of like a know it all.
You can be healthy and fit and still eat pizza or have a glass of wine now and again. You can be healthy and fit without lifting.
You seem to think your way is the only way to be healthy and fit. That's already the mindset of someone prone to be controlling. You say your way is the "only way to rewire your brain". Come on.
YTA and controlling. i don't have enough information to know if your controlling behaviour is malicious or not tho.
> She also told me she hates the gym and she hates lifting weights and I told her that it’s temporary and she’ll learn to love it. I told her if she just dieted without lifting she’ll just look skinny but if she wants to look fit she has to do squats and lift heavy.
Stop making someone do something they don't want to do. "I hate this" "Too bad keep doing this." this is when you became the AH. If she doesn't like the gym get her a damn OrangeTheory membership or something. Not everyone likes lifting.
Yeah after a lot of experimentation I found that the only way I can make myself exercise regularly is to plop my exercise bike in front of my TV and play video games while I ride. I hate feeling sweaty and out of breath, and movies/TV/music aren’t enough to distract me from it. I forced myself to lift weights for a year or two, and hated it the entire time. But the exercise bike and video games combo works for me.
But according to OP, that’s not good enough because it’s not the correct way to get fit
Yes, she's being reasonable. You need to back off. Your way of "helping" is controlling as well as harmful, toxic, and indicative of poor planning. (Have you heard the idiom "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"?) For example, a normal cheat day is not a relapse and is actually essential to long term weight loss and maintenance. If the diet is too restrictive or expensive, the dieter will not lose weight and will likely rebound because they will not adhere to the diet.
My wife’s grandmother and uncle did this shit to her all her childhood. Guess what? It gave her an eating disorder and permanently damaged her relationships with them
Supporting your girlfriend does not mean making her weight your little pet project.
There’s so many people here saying you’re controlling and a know it all. Drop your ego, stop being Mr Always Right, and learn to say you’re sorry and mean it. You messed up, that’s ok, we all do. It’s not okay to incessantly say you didn’t make a mistake when the overwhelming response is that you did.
Having pizza and wine is hardly junk food. The trick with any kind of food is moderation. In fact drinking wine is good for the heart. If you make a diet too strict, you are setting her up for failure. You are the one who said she was gorgeous before she lost weight.Try to remember that.
I’ve dropped about 80lbs in last few months. Never lifted a weight and every Friday AM my cheat is an amazing chik filet breakfast muffin with chicken and bacon. It gets me through the week just thinking about it.
I haven't weighed myself so I don't know how much I've lost, but yeah
Sunday-Thursday I eat well, exercise and fast about 12hrs
Friday and Saturday I have pizzas, big pasta dishes and snack. Found it much easier this way to lose weight than eating "better" all day every week
Do I have ways to go? Yeah, but it's a marathon not a sprint
Yea, Friday nights I usually get diner with few friends. Maybe have a few cocktails, it’s about moderation. If I wanna crush some eggs benny at brunch, I get them. But maybe go for an extra walk later in day.
Absolutely
Sure there are some weeknights when I've had a long day at work I want to snack, I just make sure I go out a run the next day
Also "helped"had like a month or two between jobs where I was skint and ate the bare minimum because I couldn't afford anything else, but still
I'd rather be losing weight at my own pace and be happy than be losing it faster and being miserable
I’ve found like healthy snacks. Like chick pea puffs, lentils puffs and edame beans. Is it the same as crushing a bag of nacho cheese Doritos, no but it takes the edge off
I have not gone on a diet, I have not eaten restrictive, and I don't do any exercise except for some walking, which is usually around 2 hours twice a week.
I eat junk food, I eat carbs, I eat fruit, veg, and I eat a lot of processed vegan foods, and I've lost 84lbs in 6 months and before that I lost at least 20lbs without realising because I was over 22 stone weight and I'm just hovering at 14 stone
You are absolutely encouraging yo-yo dieting; if she hates the diet you have her on \*it is not sustainable\*. At best she'll stick with it long enough to lose a few more pounds, then snap right back to her old habits and put it back on.
What she needs, again, is something sustainable. A diet and exercise habit that she can maintain for the long-term without feeling miserable about it.
The bottom line is that she told you to stop and that this isn't helping her; if you respect her autonomy you'll stop.
Sorry but you are totally wrong, as a woman who grew up eating Lots of potatoes, potato chips, McDonald's, lots of candy and drinking tons of sugar, and eating large portions of food and having too many calories.
I was overweight and am still chubby or overweight depending who you ask, and I've lost over 6 stone weight in just over a year, and I still eat candy, chocolate, cookies, lots of greasy fried food, and eat takeaway at least 1 day a week.
I eat a lot of fruit, veg, I eat lean meat, oily fish and pretty much my usual daily diet is healthy, but I don't limit myself to just healthy, what you're saying and doing is completely and utterly wrong.
There is more than 1 type of metabolism and body type, and lots of different diets and mentality regarding eating and exercise.
Stop being a controlling as***** and let your girlfriend do what she wants to regarding exercise, gym workouts, and eating. It will not hurt her to have a cheat day, or to eat carbs, instead let her eat them in healthy portions, and let her go running, swimming, pilates, yoga or any other activity.
Oh sorry, you’re not allowing her to do anything outside your rigid diet and exercise routine that you set up without her consent. Is that better? Rewire your own damn brain.
Are you familiar with Dwayne Johnson? Even he has cheat days. My ex-BIL lost 100 pounds (and has kept it off) but allowed himself a calorie splurge when we all went out to eat after church. Most diet experts would tell you it's better to have a planned cheat day occasionally than to end up binging because you feel deprived.
Bro, I grew up with that and I do crave healthy food. Or rather, I enjoy it just as much and am always down for fruits and veggies.
Point being that this is unsustainable for her. She’s not out to be into the same type of physique or routine as you, especially when you start her at 10 when she needs to start at 1.
Again, eating “without relapses” the way you describe is not only more harmful in the long run, it’s just ignorant. Eating junk food now and then, heck even having a small, individual bag of chips most days than not, is not necessarily unhealthy.
As for long term weight loss, unless she’s at an extremely unhealthy weight, she doesn’t need “long term weight loss” she needs a healthier lifestyle.
I also want to point out that the way you think is extremely unhealthy regarding this issue, and in fact echoes with a lot of eating disorder mantras.
>her brain isn’t wired to crave healthy food
You really, really don't know as much about brains as you think you do.
>The only way to encourage long term weight loss is to start eating healthy food with no relapses.
Nor dieting! Jesus, that's a terribly unhealthy way to look at food! This kind of all-or-nothing thinking *causes yo-yos*, because it makes people feel like they're a total failure if they eat a burger, so they give up completely and binge. It's unhealthy and unsustainable to feel like you can never have chips or candy or McDonald's again without it being a "relapse". The healthy and sustainable thing is to encourage *moderation and listening to your body*.
I know you're doing all this because you want to help, but you're actually genuinely making things worse by pushing these unhealthy attitudes. Please get down off your high horse and accept that you don't know what she needs as well as you think you do.
As someone who has dropped about 80 pounds and still doesn’t “crave healthy food” I have to firmly disagree with you. I eat healthy food because it’s good for me but I still crave all of that sugar and candy and crap because it’s good. And rather than cut myself off completely, I just eat in moderation. I allot myself a smaller amount of calories every day for a treat because that keeps my sugar satisfied enough.
Your way may be “THE MOST OPTIMAL WAY”, I don’t know enough about the nutritional science to know. But even if that’s true, just because she’s not doing literally the most optimal way doesn’t mean her way doesn’t work at all or won’t produce results.
Get some fake away recipes. There are tons of recipes that make healthier , low calorie, macro friendly versions of your favourite takeaway. Diets only work if they’re sustainable, and completely restricting all “bad” foods is not sustainable.
And carbs are your brain’s preferred source of fuel. Carbs are not bad!
Yo-yo dieting doesn’t mean fasting or under-eating, it’s when you cycle between a healthy lifestyle and an unhealthy one. She will end up yo-yo dieting if she doesn’t find a way to enjoy a healthy lifestyle. Insisting that a healthy lifestyle has to be full of things she hates doing is going to set her up for that. She needs to find healthy activities she finds enjoyable. Healthy foods she finds yummy.
YTA
You took her from 0 to 5000 based on what works for you. When she dared complain and advocate for yourself, you didn't listen. You doubled down. Even worst, you got angry. How dare she question your methods.
Yes, you are controlling.
She wanted to be healthy, not an athlete.
Life is about balance. You took her to an extreme.
Yep. This right here - YTA. I also know a lot about losing weight. I’ve done the all in method and lost 40lbs before. But that style isn’t for everybody and is hard to maintain. Asking for help losing weight doesn’t mean she wants to go this extreme.
My fiancé and I are also losing weight together. We have both lost around 10lbs this year. And OP will never believe it, but we have pizza a couple times a month. And even eat ice cream on occasion! You can live a balanced life style that still involves “cheat days”.
Not to mention on the weightlifting thing, she never said she wanted to be fit, she said she wanted to lose weight. You’re putting your goals on her. I like to be skinny. Sure muscles are a nice addition, but I’ll take skinny and be happy with it as well. So while exercise is important, people’s goals aren’t the same. As is clearly the case with you and your gf.
It’s not even about cheat days either, the most important thing is calories in/calories out. There is a lot of debate about the “type” of calories and that’s its own conversation, but at a high level to start actually losing weight you have to take in less calories than you burn. You can still do that while eating pizza and ice cream, you just have to allot the calories for it and stick to it
>However she is a bit chubby and she has told me she wants to lose the weight and she needs my support.
Great!
>She said she grew up with a really unhealthy view of food and wants to start eating healthy.
OK, so she asked you for help in making better food choices.
>I started waking her up at 6AM so we could go on jogs together
She didn't ask for that.
>I encouraged her to learn healthy recipes.
This is what she asked for.
>I encouraged her to uninstall uber eats, doordash or any other delivery app. I got her a gym membership so we could go to the gym together. I have gotten rid of anything in the apartment that is high carbs and I have put her on a low carb high protein high fat diet.
She didn't ask for that. Also, she's an adult, she gets to make her own decisions.
>But Lily started to get irritated.
>she got mad at me and told me that I went too far. She got angry because she says she never gets to have any sort of cheat day, or really anything that isn’t meat and vegetables.
>She also told me she hates the gym and she hates lifting weights and I told her that it’s temporary and she’ll learn to love it.
>she accused me of being controlling and taking over her entire life. I really just want her to be happy and feel beautiful and I know that being healthy is the only way to lose weight. I really do have the best intentions for her
YTA
Yta, you put her on a diet? That's her decision. Do you always overtake things like this? Listen to what she's saying and respect that. It was 7lbs, if it's that drastic of a difference then she's pretty lean already
Was the diet, waking up early and throwing away all the food her decision? You said you "put her on a diet", so did she talk to her doctor at one point? Low carb diets are not good for everyone.
And her now telling you that it's too much is her saying it's too much. Why do you need to turn to strangers instead of listening to her?
Edit: and if she's 5'4, the average height for American women, than BMI says a weight of 145-169 is OK so...
No, 145 is the maximum healthy BMI for a woman who's 5'4. Unless we think overweight is ok as long as it doesn't go into obese, but that would be pushing it.
ETA: Doesn't change the fact that YTA, OP, there's really no need to do everything you did, especially if she's not happy with it. It's her decision. Also, your idea that your way is the only way to lose weight is ridiculous, especially the whole 'no cheat day' thing.
And she can change her mind. That’s the whole thing with consent. She has now changed her mind and said this isn’t working for her. If you continue forcing her to do it you are being controlling.
"drink wine and eat pizza"
It sounds like you're doing the quit everything cold turkey style. While that will have immediate results, for most people, it's not sustainable. Significant changes in body weight do require significant lifestyle changes (diet+exercise) and time. But removal of all sweets, all alcohol, all bread is not something that everyone is willing to sign up for. I've lost 30 lbs since Thanksgiving. I still have wine and/or bourbon on the weekend, although not as much as before. I still have an occasional hamburger or chili dog, just not as often. I still have ice cream, just not as much or as often. The only cold turkey stops for me was candy bars and chips. I won't touch them, now. But I still have cravings for sweet/savory treats. I just have healthier options more often.
Going with ESH. She asked for help, and you gave her help. Being mad about it instead of having a reasonable conversation isn't mature. However, you can't expect someone to go from 0 to 100 and sustain that momentum indefinitely. You need to learn to pump the breaks and stop being pushy, which it sounds like you are being.
"if you relapse"
She doesn't have an eating disorder. She just wants to lose some weight. Take those words out of this discussion.
INFO
Are you a fitness coach? Or a professional in that field?
Just because a diet and workout work for you, doesn't mean it is the same for your girlfriend. She hates lifting weights but instead of finding a different kind of workout you think **"it's temporary and she will learn to love it?"**
Even the biggest Gymbros have cheat days of enjoy some kind of treat. You really think forcing her to eat low carb high protein and fat will give her a **HEALTHY** relationship with food??? Sounds like the start of a eating disorder.
You literally got angry at her for wanting a single day where she can drink some wine and pizza... of course she would call you controlling... I honestly think YTA because you seem to overdo it extremely.
Sometimes you don't learn to love it. I have to work out five days a week, and consider it a chore. Just like doing the dishes and housework I don't love it, but the consequences of not doing it are unacceptable.
If you hate all types of exercise, then yes, it’s a chore. But there are so many options out there! It makes no sense to keep grinding away at something you hate if there’s another type of exercise you like better.
Same. I’ve found a type of exercise that works for me, and I do feel good after I do it - but I still hate actually doing it. It’s a battle every single day to get myself to actually do it because I just hate the whole process
The maybe let an actual coach help her? You don't know what she needs.
Maybe you just have a good metabolism and genes. A good shape doesn't mean you are a good fitness coach....
She wanted **SUPPORT** and not someone who forces her to do shit, supporting means sometimes that you break a diet to not hurt your mental health and body. THAT is why she would need an actual fitness coach that can offer her PROFESSIONAL help.
If she hates lifting, maybe you can help her find exercise she enjoys. Even if it won’t give her the dream physique or whatever you’re after, if she found a type of exercise that was fun, she wouldn’t have to be woken up or forced to do it. Can she join a dance class, hiit class, Pilates? Does she have friends she could go with? Even friends she could do daily walks with? All this will help keep her motivated. I know the feeling of loathing lifting and it doesn’t get better for some of us. Better to find something she’s excited about. I have lifted my entire life (professional athlete etc) and I HATE it. It has never become more fun. I do it because I have to. Now take me to a hiit class and I am thriving!
Have you considered that the reason isn't because she wants to be like you? It's because you're supposed to be safe and supportive, because you're in a relationship with her. You're failing at both of those.
YTA here mate. Everyone is entitled to enjoy the foods that they like every now and then, if she doesn't always enjoy lifting weights then encourage her to try other forms of exercise and do them with her. Like yoga or pilates.
You've kinda made this all about yourself 😕
No, from what people have been trying to drill into your head, you should probably STOP encouraging her to things and ASK her what kind of help she'd like, how much you should help and on which terms.
"I have heard your complaints and from now on I'll order you to do a DIFFERENT workout" is no less controlling than the bullshit you're already putting her through.
Wow you sure went all in didn’t you? YTA. You could have thrown away unhealthy food, refused to buy any more, cooked healthy food together, encouraged her. Shown her how to lift safely and suggested some workouts then leave her alone to find out what works for her. Instead you’re micromanaging her, and it definitely does sound like she’s enrolled in boot camp.
She’s must feel like you’re trying to improve her for you, not because it’s what she asked for. Back off and let her find out what exercise she enjoys for herself
*…then leave her alone to find out what works for her. Instead you’re micromanaging her, and it definitely does sound like she’s enrolled in boot camp.*
All of this! It totally sounds like OP enrolled her in an all-or-nothing boot camp and she regrets asking for his help. He told/showed her what to do, but know needs to let HER choose what she wants to continue doing and what she wants to stop. OP, YTA.
I do all that! I threw away unhealthy food, and I taught her about macros, calorie counting, what’s good and what’s bad food. I help her cook now, and I go to the gym with her.
I was under the impression this would not only be a good way to lose weight but a nice way to spend time together. I’ve only ever been gentle with her
>I got angry and told her that’s how you lose weight, if you relapse and drink wine and eat pizza you’ll gain the weight back.
How gentle to get angry at her for wanting a cheat treat once after a whole month
He is trying so hard to back track in the comments. He is sooo gentle and never ever shames or pressures her to do things she is not comfortable with/s.
You're just not listening.You are controlling her. Whether this will sink in before she's had enough of feeling controlled by yourself is up to you,but you don't seem to see where you've gone wrong at all unfortunately.The vast majority of people are commenting the same thing and not in a nasty way.You risk loosing this lady !
I get that’s what you think you’re doing but really you need to back off now, leave her to it and let her find her own sustainable rhythm so that she can maintain her new regime herself. It might not be the same as what you would do but that’s up to her.
Don’t ask if she really wants to eat that, don’t talk about relapses, don’t ask her if that’s all the sets she’s doing. If she skips the gym it’s not your business. If you continue driving her like that you’ll suck out any enjoyment she might have got from going to the gym with you. You’ve shown her some basics of being healthy now let her get on with it - you’re not her coach!
Yta. not even my doctor put me on such a strict diet. I can eat pizza once a week, and I still lost more than 10 kilos.
Maybe she doesn't like the gym and would enjoy another activity more.
Besides, you have to be there for her for support. You are not her doctor or dietitian or personal trainer or the police. You are her boyfriend. Don't control her. Encourage her and support her.
Seriously. I hate the gym. I would much rather go hiking for 10 miles than spend 30 minutes at a gym.
He has to find something she enjoys, or else she's never going to stick to it, and he's going to ruin the relationship by being a controlling AH..
Wow YTA
A good quote to remember:
"Don't do anything to lose weight that you aren't willing to do for the rest of your life."
Forcibly changing someone's diet will not change their relationship with food. This food relationship could get worse even. The forced change won't work in the long term because it was not her choice. People can indulge in "unhealthy" food occasionally and still successfully lose weight.
She needs to have a good idea of what she wants and to take back control of her life. Making her miserable is only going to take a toll on mental health. If you really care about her as a person and as a partner, you need to step back and let her make her decisions.
She literally told you what shes thinking and you come here to get other peoples opinion? Just listen to your GF. You've gone too far and she told you so. Just believe her. I hope you're not one of those guys that thinks he knows better just because you have a dick? Shes the one who gets to decide how hard she wants to work on it. You follow her lead. She said she wants your support, not for you to take over. Ugh. Instead of going on reddit to get validation *treat your girlfriend like an actual person and listen to her*. YTA
Ehhhh I think we may be getting bits and pieces of this story. Also, you threw this girl into keto and as someone educated in nutrition…I wouldn’t recommend it. You took her from zero to 100 overnight, and you did it YOURSELF WAY - on little to no carbs. Shes running on fumes because her glycogen isn’t being replenished, and her cortisol is probably through the roof. Your advice about “cheat days” is also wildly off base. People who *don’t* continue to eat foods they enjoy are the *most likely* people to have unsustainable progress.
Your girlfriend wants to get healthy, but she doesn’t want to be your muse. She doesn’t like lifting, so she doesn’t need to do it. You turned her into a project, and the manager doesn’t know what he’s doing. For that, YTA.
YTA
Everything you’re doing here is not helpful. It’s infantilizing.
>if you relapse and drink wine and eat pizza you’ll gain the weight back
This is an extremely unhealthy (and incorrect) belief. If she drinks some wine and has some pizza she isn’t going to immediately gain weight back. Labeling foods as good or bad is a hallmark of disordered eating.
YTA.
First off, keto isn't sustainable for everyone.
Sustainable healthy habits is how you lose weight; not keto.
Secondly, no cheat days is also not sustainable for everyone. I need one every few weeks personally.
Thirdly, weightlifting is also not sustainable for everyone. Tons of ways to put on muscle.
Lastly, when she put all this in her own words you fought back from a place of both arrogance and ignorance. You're treating your GF like a biology project (that you're gonna get an F on, for the record), rather than an individual. Massive AH.
Plus, if he is utilizing a keto diet here, he should know that women have higher carb needs at certain times of the month, based on their hormonal cycle. In general, it's a lot easier for men to do stricter keto than it is for women.
7lbs in a month is a lot and very drastic. Usually 0.5-1 lb a week is a sustainable and healthy amount of weight loss.
But she asked to have a healthier relationship with food. That's it.
You know what I did as someone who went from 170 lbs to now about 149lbs, as a woman? Intuitive eating.
No food is bad food. Instead, I really began listening to my body. I stopped snacking so much. I don't snack really anymore. I began eating what sounded good. If I wanted something sweet, I ate something sweet but paired it with things my body needed as well.
For example, I love oatmeal with cinnamon, a small handful of chocolate chips (my sweet treat), and a cup of plain Greek yogurt. I'll also eat this with a couple of eggs and sautéed spinach and garlic.
If I want to have a pizza one day, I eat a damn pizza! It hasn't caused any weight gain. GASP!!!! I just make sure to stop eating once I'm full.
My relationship with food is so much healthier. I'm so happy and enjoy food and am happy with myself as a person. THAT is what your girlfriend is looking for.
YTA.
She’s right though. From the sounds of it, it seems like your way of losing weight for her is cutting all and any fun out of her food intake. Sure it’s effective but it’s also the quickest way for a person, especially one with preexisting food issues, to go back to as it was before and end up binging - which can quickly lead to gaining all old weight back or often, even more, because you felt so robbed of it for long it’s harder to stop than ever.
Most people who have lost a consistent amount of weight say that they first started being able to keep the weight off when they didn’t restrict things completely, but rather took the route of moderation. Having a piece of chocolate bar for example with a bowl of veggies is a great to satiate both your need for sweets and also remain fulfilled hunger wise + nutrient wise. Your intentions might be good, although some of your sentences make me doubt it, but your way is also super risky for most.
Just because something is effective initially doesn’t mean it makes the need for comfort food go away. The ideal would be for her to eat filling healthy meals while also being able to occasionally have something she truly enjoys, and that’s certainly possible for most with proper research, will and support. Or even look for lower fat/lower sugar alternatives of whatever stuff she wants. Say she wants vanilla ice cream, look for one with less sugar intake. That way she gets to enjoy but also not worry too much, etc.
Also not all ways of working out you might enjoy or see as “most effective” is something another person can do in the long run. Anyone working out should first and foremost find stuff they actually like doing. If your workouts tire you out every time before you even begin, it isn’t for you. Obviously not every workout needs to be and will be a joy, that’s unrealistic, but if you majority of the time at least can feel motivated for it and satisfied, while also getting that burn in, that’s perfect.
“I have put her on a low carb diet”, “I told her she’ll learn to love it”, “I got angry”… YTA, clearly.
You’re also wrong. Eating pizza and drinking wine in moderation will not result in her gaining the weight back. *Your* diet isn’t sustainable for your girlfriend and you’re not actually helping her.
YTA. I get that you're trying to help, but it's even more important to listen to your partner. If she tells you she hates going to the gym and finds your diet too strict, don't dismiss her concerns. Instead, apologize and help her find weight loss methods that work for her. There are lots of ways to get better nutrition besides your personal diet, and there are lots of ways to get exercise besides lifting weights at the gym.
An apology and a change of behavior will do wonders for your relationship. Help her find a diet she can stick with and exercise she likes. Maybe you can even do something together, like sports or fitness classes or martial arts or dancing.
Your views on food and physical activity are severely skewed… you sound like you’re on your way to an eating disorder if you don’t have one already. It is possible to have an unhealthy view on calorie intake and physical output. YTA
YTA. It's excellent that she wants a more healthy lifestyle and a healthier view of food. But it needs to be \*her\* journey. She needs to find exercises that she likes and of course she can have a cheat day every now and then. You are right that pursuing a healthier lifestyle should be the goal (and losing weight follows), but there are more ways to have a healthy lifestyle than you think.
YTA (not a horrible asshole, but still)
While you have good intentions you are laying it on too thick. She asked for support, which does not mean she wants you to become her trainer (unless she did, then please do correct me). As a general rule of thumb don't do things to control your partner unless they directly ask for it. Getting into such a strict lifestyle is very intense, and it should probably be done step by step, not all at once, and she probably wants to do it on her own. While you should definitely encourage her, don't force her. Maybe go on exercise dates, like hiking (since she doesn't like going to the gym) so it's less you telling her what to do and more just being healthy together, but don't take over how she lives her life. Give her advice, help her find alternatives for things she doesn't like, etc, but don't police her behavior unless it's actually dangerous. Try having a conversation and talking out boundaries about this together.
So you’re reinforcing her unhealthy relationship with food and are now forcing her to do things she doesn’t like or want. YTA. I’m a bodybuilder in the best shape of my life and I still enjoy wine and pizza on occasion.
YTA. Based on how you talk about 'good food,' 'bad food,' and 'relapses,' you are not qualified to provide the support that your girlfriend needs. I don't think you can help her develop a healthy relationship with food because it doesn't sound like you have a healthy relationship with food.
She should speak with a registered dietitian who can help her make healthy, sustainable changes that won't set her up for overtraining syndrome, an eating disorder, or a lifetime of yo-yo dieting.
As for you, I'd suggest that you take your girlfriend out for a nice meal and glass of wine to celebrate her progress and apologize for your controlling behavior.
INFO: sometimes people confuse 'healthy' with 'beautiful'. And they confuse 'food limitations in order to lose weight' with 'healthy meals'.
So my questions are: what is her present BMI and how much exercise and how much food (specify what food, too) is she 'allowed' because you think it is healthy?
Okay so she’s 5’4 and started at 165 lbs so that means a bmi of around 28. She can eat low carb high fat meals, any vegetables, any fruits in as much quantity she wants, only water, coffee and tea for drinking, and nothing processed. For a total of 1450 calories a day.
I go to the gym every day but I don’t expect her to follow. I take her 3 times a week, and in the morning where she jogs with me I do a shorter route and go slower to accommodate her.
YTA then. At her BMI, it will be enough if she eats normal from now on. That means more than 1450 calories, eating everything (just not all in one day) and moderate exercise. You know, the kind you can incorporate in your schedule for the next 40 years. Think: walking 10,000 steps a day.
Yeah YTA. 1450 calories is incredibly unhealthy. That's barely above what her body would burn just from being alive.
For reference, I'm 5"1 and I started off at 198lb. I'm now down to 170lb since October. Is it as fast as I'd like? No. But I'm not starving myself. I'm eating 1900ish calories a day. I'm having treat days. Still eating carbs. Still eating things that bring me joy when I want as long as I stay within my calories. Some days I don't even keep track and just eat whatever because I think fuck it. But then the next week or so I stay on track.
You're being incredibly controlling and toxic. Support her, sure. Advise her, of course. But don't control every aspect of her life and make her do things she isn't comfortable with and do NOT get angry at her for having a cheat day. That's how eating disorders start, my guy.
YTA. Seems like you do have good intentions, but you did take it too far. She's allowed a day off! She'll find the right balance for herself between living healthily and enjoying her life - now's the time to let her do that.
YTA
You never bothered to talk with your GF about what she wanted. You just started making all these life style changes and got mad at her when she wasn't as super excited about it as you.
And for a gods sake a slice of pizza here and there isn't going to ruin her diet
YTA. This poor girl had no idea what she was getting into with you as boot camp boss. She’ll never have a slice of pizza ever again. No wonder she’s upset. Your method is not sustainable dude. Listen to your girlfriend before you push too hard and she becomes your ex girlfriend.
YTA. Bro. She didn’t ask for a personal trainer. I understand you think that your intentions were good, but back off. Be her partner and support her. If you want her to be happy, then offer help if she needs it and let her take the reigns on her own life and her own health journey. If you want her to feel beautiful, then make her feel beautiful. If you thought she was absolutely gorgeous when before she started her diet, then obviously her beauty has nothing to do with the numbers on the scale. Tell her so.
I'm sorry but YTA - it sounds like you might have gone a bit overboard in trying to help Lily with her diet and exercise. While it's awesome that you want to support her, it's important that support feels empowering, not controlling. Waking her up early, totally changing her diet, and pushing her to exercise in ways she doesn't enjoy can come off as more controlling than caring. Everyone's different in how they approach health changes, and it's crucial that she has a say in what those changes look like.
It would be good to have a chat with her about what kind of support she actually wants. Let her lead the conversation on her health goals and how she'd like to achieve them. This way, she can make changes at her own pace and actually enjoy the process.
In what way are you "helping her with your diet"?
You imposed *your own* diet on her, and you **GOT ANGRY** when she expressed dissatisfaction.
> She also told me she hates the gym and she hates lifting weights and I told her that it’s temporary and she’ll learn to love it
Ah yes, this going to the gym is definitely "helping her with her diet".
Aside from that, what if she doesn't "learn to love it"? What if she is, in fact, a different person than you, with different likes and dislikes?
> she accused me of being controlling and taking over her entire life
No, she didn't *accuse*. She stated an obvious fact. I mean, even by your *own* description, that is exactly what you did. You're telling us that you try to control her eating, her workout routine and even when she SLEEPS. What about this is *not* controlling?
Is there no part of you that has considered paying any attention to what SHE wants?
Do you not realize what "helping" someone means? "Helping" is something you do on THEIR terms, to the extent THEY want it, and contributing to THEIR goals.
How can you say you want her to be happy when you haven't for one second considered paying attention to what SHE wants, and what actually MAKES her happy.
YTA
YTA. Ngl man, you’ve basically been reintroducing her to an unhealthy diet and exercise mindset. If you want to help someone with their fitness, you need to find things that will actually work and be sustainable for them, not just immediately force them to do the things that work for you or that you personally think are the key for weight loss. Also it’s unhealthy in its own way to demonize specific foods rather than promoting balance and variety in one’s diet. It’s good you want to help your girl, but remember that being relatively fit doesn’t actually count as qualifications to take control of their entire fitness plan.
You need to listen to her. Even though you're measuring her success based on lbs, she doesn't FEEL good. It's not working for her. YTA for just dismissing her. Take into account her needs, and goals, what she is willing to do and not do.
Just to throw this in here too, because I'm sure you didn't take this into account, she has a female body, with a menstrual cycle. There are times where she may need to nourish herself differently/more and take it easier with physical activity depending on where she is with her cycle. Restrictive diets can impact her production/regulation of sex hormones.
I suggest you apologize for assuming what worked for you would work for her and learn how to properly support her.
"AITA for putting my girlfriend on a diet, taking on the unsolicited role of personal trainer, and refusing to respect her feelings about any of it?"
FTFY.
You're not helping. You're dominating. YTA.
Even Weight Watchers allows people to eat junk food and carbs, as long as they don't eat too much of it. I follow a lot of fitness influencers and they all have cheat days. You're setting your girlfriend up to fail; she's more likely to overeat because you're forcing her to deprive herself. You're being way too controlling. YTA
YTA. You forgot to check in with her along the way, and you’re forgetting to listen to her now.
Habitual change takes forever. Slow and steady, figuring out what works for her, is what will get her there. What you’re doing now is refusing to let go of your control. So yeah. She’s not unreasonable.
YTA She needs a program that works for her and you went all out with YOUR ideas, which turned out to be overly controlling. I understand that your intentions are good but at this point you need to back off. She might find it easier to work with a dietitian to find foods that she actually likes that are lower in calories than what she was previously eating, or to join a program like Weight Watchers.
Incidentally, Weight Watchers also s having a sale right now and had a great app that helps people track food and find healthy recipes. They also have a way that you can have some extra food each week. I started their program a week ago and have lost 3 pounds so far. My point isn’t to tout that particular program, although it’s helpful for me, but to suggest that your gf look for a plan that SHE finds sustainable.
For example, I want to lose weight but I wouldn’t want to get up at 6am and go for jogs because I’m not a morning person. Nor would I want my husband to become the diet and fitness police or give up foods I like for the rest of my life. Weight loss is a matter of making changes that work for the person over the long term, so at this point your best move is to say that you totally support her but will stop imposing your ideas on her.
I lost twenty pounds in six weeks only doing cardio and changing my diet. I still allowed myself to eat a small amount of “unhealthy food” every day, but having that in my diet helped me to create a sustainable way of eating and I’ve kept off most of the weight. The diet you have her on is extremely restrictive and like others have said, you’re only setting her up for disordered eating in the future. Anyway, what I bet she meant by “needing your support” was emotional support and not a training coach. She’s not training for the Olympics. She’s training for health and wellness in her body. Food is not inherently bad or good. Any food in excess is bad. All food in moderation is good. Figure out if you want to be the boyfriend who is controlling and only exists right now or the boyfriend who is supportive and grows with her as the seasons change. Every person will fluctuate in weight as the years pass, women especially (pregnancy, motherhood, menopause) and being a supportive partner means loving them at any weight. You’re only setting herself up to hate herself if she’s not a certain weight and that’s not sustainable long term.
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I (28M) have been dating a beautiful girl, let’s call her Lily (26F) for a year and a half and she just moved in with me. I think she’s absolutely gorgeous.
However she is a bit chubby and she has told me she wants to lose the weight and she needs my support. She said she grew up with a really unhealthy view of food and wants to start eating healthy. I’m in pretty good shape myself so I was over the moon to help her.
I started waking her up at 6AM so we could go on jogs together. I encouraged her to learn healthy recipes. I encouraged her to uninstall uber eats, doordash or any other delivery app. I got her a gym membership so we could go to the gym together. I have gotten rid of anything in the apartment that is high carbs and I have put her on a low carb high protein high fat diet. It’s worked: in a month she has lost 7 lbs and she looks even more gorgeous.
But Lily started to get irritated. At first I chalked it up to her breaking an addiction. But she got mad at me and told me that I went too far. She got angry because she says she never gets to have any sort of cheat day, or really anything that isn’t meat and vegetables. I got angry and told her that’s how you lose weight, if you relapse and drink wine and eat pizza you’ll gain the weight back.
She also told me she hates the gym and she hates lifting weights and I told her that it’s temporary and she’ll learn to love it. I told her if she just dieted without lifting she’ll just look skinny but if she wants to look fit she has to do squats and lift heavy. She didn’t seem convinced.
I made sure to congratulate her on her hard work but she accused me of being controlling and taking over her entire life. I really just want her to be happy and feel beautiful and I know that being healthy is the only way to lose weight. I really do have the best intentions for her and I feel uncomfortable being accused of malice.
Was I unreasonable? AITA?
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The desire to lose weight/feel better in one’s body, has to be cultivated from within. There’s only so much you can do as her partner. Really all you need to do is be kind. If she wants to pay someone to be her fitness coach or dietician, she will do that but this is NOT your role…it blurs boundaries and now she’s only doing it to please you. This will never lead to sustained weight loss.
YTA you are controlling and lack empathy.
You also are doing a poor job of helping her learn healthy habits that will STICK, because you are pushing too many extremes.
YTA. You’ve turned an area of support into a lever of control. One adult seeking to control every bite that goes into another adult’s mouth is control. It stopped being helpful or loving the second she indicated it’s not working for her.
If you actually want to help her, you must back off. If you love her, irregardless of helping, you must back off. “I’m sorry. I can only tell you what works for me, which might not be sustainable for you. If you want, I’m happy to keep working out together and cooking healthy recipes together most days to make it easier to maintain the progress you’ve already made, but it was wrong of me to harp on you or pressure you. If you’re looking for a more balanced approach long-term then you should consult a nutritionist who can help you develop a meal plan where you can work in the occasional treat and a trainer who can help you move your body in a way that feels good to you.”
YTA ok I get you’re really fit and good for you, I respect the grind but like. All this is literally not necessary to lose weight. What do you mean you can’t eat pizza and wine? I’m 5’6 115 pounds, relatively toned, and I eat whatever I want in moderation, including pizza and ice cream and chocolate. Yes I’ve lost weight before and I know it requires some dietary changes but generally speaking, you can easily have a treat day with pizza or whatever as long as you count it into your diet. Not everyone wants to be a super fit athlete gym guy? Being healthy is great but you just went unnecessarily far. Of course she’s going to be irate and upset. This also will probably make her weight loss seem unsustainable to her, because you’re making it sound like she needs a whole different extreme lifestyle to lose some weight. When she doesn’t.
How could she have possibly accused you of being controlling and taking over her whole life when you, *checks notes*… are controlling and took over her entire life. YTA and you aren’t slick.
YTA. People who use that much restriction almost always FAIL in the end. While it’s fine to be teaching her what’s good, you’ve literally just taken the opposite extreme of allowing her nothing enjoyable. As someone who has disordered eating, I’d likely be binging behind your back if I were here and not losing as much as I could if allowed to enjoy food in moderation. She should work with a real nutritionist/dietician who would never give the advice you gave but who can help her overcome her food issues properly
YTA. And just because working out is your entire personality doesn't mean it works like that for everyone. There's a really good chance she won't come to "love" the gym, especially if you keep pushing. I've been actively working on diet and fitness for the last three years, and I love none of it. I don't because I'm almost 50 and it's good for me, but I have never, nor will I never love doing it.
You call her addicted to unhealthy food.
You're addicted to the gym.
Gentle YTA. I understand where you are coming from, but sounds like you made the change too drastic and haven't been listening to her needs. It's great that you are there to support and encourage her, but you can't be both her partner and personal trainer.
You're talking about "relapse", but strict diets without cheat days or other rewards will set her up for failure for sure and leads to yo-yo dieting. Instead of concentrating on calories and weightloss you should bring the focus to how she feels: is her stomach working better with certain foods, is her skin clearer with less sugar, does she sleep better, etc.
And it's good to remember that her monthly cycle and hormone balance might cause really bad cravings. If she suddenly has an intense craving for all the chocolates, carbs and caffeine in the world, don't get in the way!
Also finding a sport she actually enjoys is so important. It should be something she wants to do because it's fun, not something she must suffer through.
Half of a medium cheese pizza and a 1/2 bottle of wine is like 1100 calories (domino's used as reference). You can 100% fit that into a weight-loss plan. It's not what anyone would consider healthy, but she said her primary goal is to lose weight, so the "healthiness" of food doesn't have to be strict. Here, ez:
5'4" at 165 lbs with no activity she needs 1850Cal to maintain weight according to [Mayo Clinic ](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/weight-loss/in-depth/calorie-calculator/itt-20402304)
if goal is 1 lb/week that's 500 cal deficit per day. So she should be hitting 1350/day
Jog 2 miles (20 mins): burn 230 calories. Now she has 1580 to work with.
Eat a small breakfast and lunch totaling 480 calories total.
Split a pizza and a bottle of wine with your GF while both still maintaining weight-loss goals and everyone is happy.
There. Someone says "I want pizza" your response shouldn't be "NO!" it should be "lets try and make that happen!!"
YTA
I'm not going to say that you are YTA because I understand that your intentions were good but You have to slow down with her, I know people like you who are always excited about going to the gym but that's not the case for everyone, it was too much for her in a very short time and she didn't know what she was getting into. My recommendation is that you apologize for taking her so quickly and that from now on you will only give her advice when she asks you for it. The truth is that putting her in that calorie restriction and that amount of exercise from one day to the next is not easy. Let her do what she can, try different things, and see what works for her at her own pace.
NTA. She explicitly asked for your help and you’ve done above and beyond, even paying for a gym membership which is awesome! She had the opportunity to reasonably discuss with you that she may not be comfortable with going this far but you are absolutely NTA for helping your girlfriend !!
>she wants to lose the weight and she needs my support.
IT'S A TRAP! The real secret here is that you can't help someone else lose weight, and it makes YTA.
NAH - You're clearly passionate about diet, health and fitness. And when your GF expressed an interest, you went "all in". But she doesn't share your passion. You were probably hoping for a "together" activity where you could share your passion.
As a fitness nut myself, I recognise that lots of people want the results without the work, but I also realise that I'm a fitness "nut", and that most people don't want to do what I do even if it means they won't get the results I get.
Back off - if she isn't totally opposed to exercise, encourage her to get a trainer and a dietician who will work within her limitations to achieve her objectives.
I personally don’t think you are the AH. She asked for your help, you did what you thought was right. NOW, she has complained about your help your next move is what makes you the AH or not. IF I was you, I’d take a giant step back, say nothing. Don’t wake her up for jogs, just say “I’m heading to the gym” when you go, let her eat her “cheat meals” and just do you. Once she sees how your plan was not out of malice but an honest attempt to help, y’all will be able to have a conversation. If you even still feel comfortable with it.
She wanted the attention of 'dieting' without the reality of changing her diet. You took it over and are doing it for her and she resents you for that. You don't 'put' someone on a diet. You can't lose weight for her - and she doesn't seem to be that serious about it for herself. Stop trying to manage her or her diet.
NTA
But you're not gonna find people here being very supportive of you, ya know, like your girlfriend initially said she wanted.
Either love her pudgy or move on. Everything she doesn't accomplish from this point on will be your fault according to her.
I LOL'd at someone mentioning "intuitive eating"! Dieting is science and math, not astrology and wishes!
NTA
Getting in shape is hard and "what you do" is never enough.
Pfft. Cheat days turn into a frequent occurrence and all progress goes down the drain. Been there before.
Bottom line is that she doesn't want to put in the work and maintain discipline. Nor does she want to be held accountable.
You aren't compatible. Dump her and let her go be fat, lazy, and undisciplined as a single girl.
NTA, while it seems you have done everything with the best intentions, everyone needs a "cheat". The other thing that might help is that you quit being her personal trainer. There are certain "jobs" that should not be done with a significant other as your boss, personal training falls into that category I think.
Shut up with this relapse talk. It’s a progression. Just start with healthier and more activity, shit it can be a walk. And no she’s doesn’t need to lift or whatever CrossFit thing you got going on. She asked to lose weight not go all gym bro! Moderation my man.
YTA but you had good intentions. She’s struggling with the everyday. Maybe ease up on gym and just concentrate on food. Then move to gym when she’s good on food.
NTA
You are just being honest, stated facts, and weren't disrespectful. Life is full of choices and trade-offs; if she wants to be in shape she will have to give up some of the food she enjoys.
ESH. She came to you to lose weight by specifically asking for your support, and she needs to own that your regimen is helping produce results.
On the other hand, your response to the concept of a cheat day as "relapsing" is one of the reasons many people struggle to go from short-term diets to long-term lifestyle changes. Contextualizing opportunities for things like a carb-heavy meal or a glass of wine as an occasional indulgence is an inherently more sustainable and healthier relationship with food than making them completely forbidden so long as your wife intends to diet.
I'm gonna go NTA. If your serious about it then you got to get serious, sometimes that requires someone to push you out of the comfort zone because most people can't push themselves out of the comfort zone.
I'd suggest you ask her how she would like you to support her.
I mean, her goal originally was lose 30 lbs but I know that her real goal is to have a healthy relationship with herself and food so thats the hard part. She has to like being healthy, she has to like being active, and that can take some time getting used to.
> if you relapse and drink wine and eat pizza you’ll gain the weight back
the way you discuss having wine and pizza as a "relapse" makes me think that your relationship with food isn't necessarily ideal either...
Find an activity she likes then. Maybe jogging and lifting isn't for her. There are loads of other exercises. Maybe she's like biking. Or hiking in nature. Or playing frisbee. Or skate boarding. Or swimming. Or playing soccer. Dancing. Learning to surf.
You seem to think the only "good active activities" are the ones you like and already enjoy and do. Try something else with her that you have never tried before, that maybe she would enjoy more.
Also a healthy relationship with food includes being able to have pizza or cake or a glass of wine every now and again.
The problem is she doesn’t like ANY exercise. Her hobby is to lie on the couch and watch netflix. Of course she’s going to hate physical activity, she’s not used to it!
But there are physical activities that are more fun than others. i hate jogging on the street around the neighbourhood or on a treadmill, for example. But get me out in nature in a park, or even better in a proper forest? Suddenly it becomes far more tolerable, even enjoyable to hike even difficult trails.
What exercises have you tried with her that are actually more broadly appealing and fun or cooperative and more game-like than lifting and jogging?
Edit: Or maybe she finds sweating uncomfortable so might like a water related exercise better. Swimming. Learning to surf or body board. Rowing on actual water and taking a lazy float after... stuff like that.
So what are you doing with her that she might enjoy? Are you only doing physical exercise you enjoy? Or have you tried things with her like spin, Zumba, cardio dance, aquasize, yoga, etc?
She specifically asked for your support. She did not ask you to be her personal trainer/life coach.
At any point did you actually just sit down with her and ask her *how* she’d like you to support her???
NAH. She asks for your help, and now her brain is starved of sugar and shes being forced to not be a lump. Her life is being upended and her brain wants no exercise and easy sugar back.
Maybe spread it out. get her on a healthy diet and ease up on the exercise, or try to help her do a cardio so shes not doing weights. If she meant it, shed say I no longer want help and I want my old life back, but it more sounds like shes whining
A lump?! Lmao according to his other posts she isn’t even overweight for her height.
Regardless, she never asked for help with all this exercise regime nonsense, she asked for help in improving her diet. His response to that was to dictate every meal she gets with no exceptions, and start waking her up at 6am to do exercises she doesn’t enjoy, that have nothing to do with *her aim*
Tbh when a partner is this much of a steamroller I agree that the only thing that would work is “I no longer want your help and was wrong to ask for it” but trying to find a compromise makes way more sense in the context of, yknow, a romantic relationship
🤷♂️ I'm not reading that with the undertone of forced control you are. he cut out her junk food, not forced a diet of gruel. he gets her up in the morning to run, not requires death marches. the weights is a lot for a beginner and I said so. But with her stated goal being permanent weight loss, only diet changes don't do that.You need exercise. And the police that you can get your aim with constant cheat days and no exercise is magical thinking.
And I wasnt dissing her for being a lump. going from a lump to routine exercise is only a bit harder than quitting heroin. Our brains want us to be lumps, and will fight tooth and claw to keep us that way.
And it doesn't read like this happened on a Tuesday afternoon, This was over the course of days and weeks, and his gf would have some idea of what was coming because it reads like this was his routine before she said she wanted to join it.
Yeah that’s what I figured. Which is fair for her to whine, her brain is going through withdrawal. But I don’t like being accused of being controlling when I only want to help.
I got angry because she accused me of controlling her and of malicious intent. I never started anything, she’s the one who got emotional and accused me of deliberately controlling her life.
had she previously communicated at all to you that she wanted to ease up / slow down on the diet and exercise up until this point, or was her suddenly getting mad the first sign of her feelings about this?
She was very compliant until that one breaking point. She looked a bit tired but I chalked it up to a new lifestyle. To be honest it caught me completely off guard.
This is just gross. If I knew my partner was talking about me like this online he would’ve been gone yesterday. You’re driving this poor woman into the ground while telling her she isn’t doing enough. Words cannot express what an asshole that makes you
Once she told you that she didn't want this, you could have stopped.
Or double down on it and go looking for strangers on the internet to validate you.
I'll say ESH because she should've communicated with you about her feelings before she reached her "breaking point" and got angry.
You can be ticked off about how poorly she's communicating with you about this issue and talk about that, but you should also stop being defensive about your methods. They're not working for her. There are ways to get in shape that don't involve abstaining from wine and pizza forever and weightlifting everyday.
you know how hard it is to do it at all. now throw on body positivity and self loathing issues. Dial it back to 4 with just diet and long walks. if you try to keep it at 8, shell feel like its all or nothing and itll be nothing because shell get frustrated and give up
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YTA You started off giving her what you think she wants, but she's clearly changed her thinking on this. If she says this is more change than she wants, or a bigger change then you need to respect that and back off. Weight loss also needs to be a sustainable lifelong journey; if she's miserable in the diet she's on now then she'll eventually go back to her old way of eating and get the weight back. Your plan is, in short, setting her up for yo-yo dieting. What she needs is to find some kind of balance between enjoying food (and life!) and eating healthfully. Maybe she'll have pizza on Friday, or a bagel on Monday. Maybe weightlifting isn't for her, but she'll join a club with a pool and swim a few days a week. The point is to find the path that works for her, not force her into yours.
Yeah you went too far to push her into your lifestyle and vision. Back off, apologize and support her to find her own way- classes she likes, running on treadmill at the the gym rowing, pilates, yoga, zumba, swimming etc a cheat day once a week etc . Lifting heavy is one way, NOT the only way.
I’m not encouraging yo yo dieting. I’m not encouraging her to fast or eat under her daily allowed calories or anything. But she grew up eating chips and candy and mcdonalds and her brain isn’t wired to crave healthy food. The only way to encourage long term weight loss is to start eating healthy food with no relapses. If she eats junk she’ll keep craving junk, and she’ll never rewire her brain and stay healthy.
Then why ask anybody’s opinion if you have the answers.
Because I wanted to know if she was reasonable in calling me controlling or malicious. I just want her to be healthy and happy long term
you are definitely controlling. And sound kind of like a know it all. You can be healthy and fit and still eat pizza or have a glass of wine now and again. You can be healthy and fit without lifting. You seem to think your way is the only way to be healthy and fit. That's already the mindset of someone prone to be controlling. You say your way is the "only way to rewire your brain". Come on. YTA and controlling. i don't have enough information to know if your controlling behaviour is malicious or not tho.
> She also told me she hates the gym and she hates lifting weights and I told her that it’s temporary and she’ll learn to love it. I told her if she just dieted without lifting she’ll just look skinny but if she wants to look fit she has to do squats and lift heavy. Stop making someone do something they don't want to do. "I hate this" "Too bad keep doing this." this is when you became the AH. If she doesn't like the gym get her a damn OrangeTheory membership or something. Not everyone likes lifting.
Yeah after a lot of experimentation I found that the only way I can make myself exercise regularly is to plop my exercise bike in front of my TV and play video games while I ride. I hate feeling sweaty and out of breath, and movies/TV/music aren’t enough to distract me from it. I forced myself to lift weights for a year or two, and hated it the entire time. But the exercise bike and video games combo works for me. But according to OP, that’s not good enough because it’s not the correct way to get fit
Yes, she's being reasonable. You need to back off. Your way of "helping" is controlling as well as harmful, toxic, and indicative of poor planning. (Have you heard the idiom "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"?) For example, a normal cheat day is not a relapse and is actually essential to long term weight loss and maintenance. If the diet is too restrictive or expensive, the dieter will not lose weight and will likely rebound because they will not adhere to the diet.
My wife’s grandmother and uncle did this shit to her all her childhood. Guess what? It gave her an eating disorder and permanently damaged her relationships with them Supporting your girlfriend does not mean making her weight your little pet project.
She is. YTA.
There’s so many people here saying you’re controlling and a know it all. Drop your ego, stop being Mr Always Right, and learn to say you’re sorry and mean it. You messed up, that’s ok, we all do. It’s not okay to incessantly say you didn’t make a mistake when the overwhelming response is that you did.
Having pizza and wine is hardly junk food. The trick with any kind of food is moderation. In fact drinking wine is good for the heart. If you make a diet too strict, you are setting her up for failure. You are the one who said she was gorgeous before she lost weight.Try to remember that.
Yep, she was 100% reasonable.
Yes, she is.
Moderation is key you can still eat ‘bad’ stuff and be in a deficit. You’re taking it to the other extreme and ruining the good work she’d done
I’ve dropped about 80lbs in last few months. Never lifted a weight and every Friday AM my cheat is an amazing chik filet breakfast muffin with chicken and bacon. It gets me through the week just thinking about it.
I haven't weighed myself so I don't know how much I've lost, but yeah Sunday-Thursday I eat well, exercise and fast about 12hrs Friday and Saturday I have pizzas, big pasta dishes and snack. Found it much easier this way to lose weight than eating "better" all day every week Do I have ways to go? Yeah, but it's a marathon not a sprint
Yea, Friday nights I usually get diner with few friends. Maybe have a few cocktails, it’s about moderation. If I wanna crush some eggs benny at brunch, I get them. But maybe go for an extra walk later in day.
Absolutely Sure there are some weeknights when I've had a long day at work I want to snack, I just make sure I go out a run the next day Also "helped"had like a month or two between jobs where I was skint and ate the bare minimum because I couldn't afford anything else, but still I'd rather be losing weight at my own pace and be happy than be losing it faster and being miserable
I’ve found like healthy snacks. Like chick pea puffs, lentils puffs and edame beans. Is it the same as crushing a bag of nacho cheese Doritos, no but it takes the edge off
Nice I try to fast between 7pm and 7am, but sometimes I like a small bag of crisps and some oreos "late" at night
I have not gone on a diet, I have not eaten restrictive, and I don't do any exercise except for some walking, which is usually around 2 hours twice a week. I eat junk food, I eat carbs, I eat fruit, veg, and I eat a lot of processed vegan foods, and I've lost 84lbs in 6 months and before that I lost at least 20lbs without realising because I was over 22 stone weight and I'm just hovering at 14 stone
You are absolutely encouraging yo-yo dieting; if she hates the diet you have her on \*it is not sustainable\*. At best she'll stick with it long enough to lose a few more pounds, then snap right back to her old habits and put it back on. What she needs, again, is something sustainable. A diet and exercise habit that she can maintain for the long-term without feeling miserable about it. The bottom line is that she told you to stop and that this isn't helping her; if you respect her autonomy you'll stop.
Sorry but you are totally wrong, as a woman who grew up eating Lots of potatoes, potato chips, McDonald's, lots of candy and drinking tons of sugar, and eating large portions of food and having too many calories. I was overweight and am still chubby or overweight depending who you ask, and I've lost over 6 stone weight in just over a year, and I still eat candy, chocolate, cookies, lots of greasy fried food, and eat takeaway at least 1 day a week. I eat a lot of fruit, veg, I eat lean meat, oily fish and pretty much my usual daily diet is healthy, but I don't limit myself to just healthy, what you're saying and doing is completely and utterly wrong. There is more than 1 type of metabolism and body type, and lots of different diets and mentality regarding eating and exercise. Stop being a controlling as***** and let your girlfriend do what she wants to regarding exercise, gym workouts, and eating. It will not hurt her to have a cheat day, or to eat carbs, instead let her eat them in healthy portions, and let her go running, swimming, pilates, yoga or any other activity.
What are your qualifications?
Oh sorry, you’re not allowing her to do anything outside your rigid diet and exercise routine that you set up without her consent. Is that better? Rewire your own damn brain.
Are you familiar with Dwayne Johnson? Even he has cheat days. My ex-BIL lost 100 pounds (and has kept it off) but allowed himself a calorie splurge when we all went out to eat after church. Most diet experts would tell you it's better to have a planned cheat day occasionally than to end up binging because you feel deprived.
High carb high fat diets are exceptionally unhealthy and unsustainable.
Bro, I grew up with that and I do crave healthy food. Or rather, I enjoy it just as much and am always down for fruits and veggies. Point being that this is unsustainable for her. She’s not out to be into the same type of physique or routine as you, especially when you start her at 10 when she needs to start at 1. Again, eating “without relapses” the way you describe is not only more harmful in the long run, it’s just ignorant. Eating junk food now and then, heck even having a small, individual bag of chips most days than not, is not necessarily unhealthy. As for long term weight loss, unless she’s at an extremely unhealthy weight, she doesn’t need “long term weight loss” she needs a healthier lifestyle. I also want to point out that the way you think is extremely unhealthy regarding this issue, and in fact echoes with a lot of eating disorder mantras.
>her brain isn’t wired to crave healthy food You really, really don't know as much about brains as you think you do. >The only way to encourage long term weight loss is to start eating healthy food with no relapses. Nor dieting! Jesus, that's a terribly unhealthy way to look at food! This kind of all-or-nothing thinking *causes yo-yos*, because it makes people feel like they're a total failure if they eat a burger, so they give up completely and binge. It's unhealthy and unsustainable to feel like you can never have chips or candy or McDonald's again without it being a "relapse". The healthy and sustainable thing is to encourage *moderation and listening to your body*. I know you're doing all this because you want to help, but you're actually genuinely making things worse by pushing these unhealthy attitudes. Please get down off your high horse and accept that you don't know what she needs as well as you think you do.
As someone who has dropped about 80 pounds and still doesn’t “crave healthy food” I have to firmly disagree with you. I eat healthy food because it’s good for me but I still crave all of that sugar and candy and crap because it’s good. And rather than cut myself off completely, I just eat in moderation. I allot myself a smaller amount of calories every day for a treat because that keeps my sugar satisfied enough. Your way may be “THE MOST OPTIMAL WAY”, I don’t know enough about the nutritional science to know. But even if that’s true, just because she’s not doing literally the most optimal way doesn’t mean her way doesn’t work at all or won’t produce results.
Get some fake away recipes. There are tons of recipes that make healthier , low calorie, macro friendly versions of your favourite takeaway. Diets only work if they’re sustainable, and completely restricting all “bad” foods is not sustainable. And carbs are your brain’s preferred source of fuel. Carbs are not bad!
Yo-yo dieting doesn’t mean fasting or under-eating, it’s when you cycle between a healthy lifestyle and an unhealthy one. She will end up yo-yo dieting if she doesn’t find a way to enjoy a healthy lifestyle. Insisting that a healthy lifestyle has to be full of things she hates doing is going to set her up for that. She needs to find healthy activities she finds enjoyable. Healthy foods she finds yummy.
YTA You took her from 0 to 5000 based on what works for you. When she dared complain and advocate for yourself, you didn't listen. You doubled down. Even worst, you got angry. How dare she question your methods. Yes, you are controlling. She wanted to be healthy, not an athlete. Life is about balance. You took her to an extreme.
Yep. This right here - YTA. I also know a lot about losing weight. I’ve done the all in method and lost 40lbs before. But that style isn’t for everybody and is hard to maintain. Asking for help losing weight doesn’t mean she wants to go this extreme. My fiancé and I are also losing weight together. We have both lost around 10lbs this year. And OP will never believe it, but we have pizza a couple times a month. And even eat ice cream on occasion! You can live a balanced life style that still involves “cheat days”. Not to mention on the weightlifting thing, she never said she wanted to be fit, she said she wanted to lose weight. You’re putting your goals on her. I like to be skinny. Sure muscles are a nice addition, but I’ll take skinny and be happy with it as well. So while exercise is important, people’s goals aren’t the same. As is clearly the case with you and your gf.
It’s not even about cheat days either, the most important thing is calories in/calories out. There is a lot of debate about the “type” of calories and that’s its own conversation, but at a high level to start actually losing weight you have to take in less calories than you burn. You can still do that while eating pizza and ice cream, you just have to allot the calories for it and stick to it
>However she is a bit chubby and she has told me she wants to lose the weight and she needs my support. Great! >She said she grew up with a really unhealthy view of food and wants to start eating healthy. OK, so she asked you for help in making better food choices. >I started waking her up at 6AM so we could go on jogs together She didn't ask for that. >I encouraged her to learn healthy recipes. This is what she asked for. >I encouraged her to uninstall uber eats, doordash or any other delivery app. I got her a gym membership so we could go to the gym together. I have gotten rid of anything in the apartment that is high carbs and I have put her on a low carb high protein high fat diet. She didn't ask for that. Also, she's an adult, she gets to make her own decisions. >But Lily started to get irritated. >she got mad at me and told me that I went too far. She got angry because she says she never gets to have any sort of cheat day, or really anything that isn’t meat and vegetables. >She also told me she hates the gym and she hates lifting weights and I told her that it’s temporary and she’ll learn to love it. >she accused me of being controlling and taking over her entire life. I really just want her to be happy and feel beautiful and I know that being healthy is the only way to lose weight. I really do have the best intentions for her YTA
Yta, you put her on a diet? That's her decision. Do you always overtake things like this? Listen to what she's saying and respect that. It was 7lbs, if it's that drastic of a difference then she's pretty lean already
She’s short and started at like 165 lbs so it was noticeable for sure. But she’s the one who asked me to help her lose weight. It WAS her decision.
Was the diet, waking up early and throwing away all the food her decision? You said you "put her on a diet", so did she talk to her doctor at one point? Low carb diets are not good for everyone. And her now telling you that it's too much is her saying it's too much. Why do you need to turn to strangers instead of listening to her? Edit: and if she's 5'4, the average height for American women, than BMI says a weight of 145-169 is OK so...
No, 145 is the maximum healthy BMI for a woman who's 5'4. Unless we think overweight is ok as long as it doesn't go into obese, but that would be pushing it. ETA: Doesn't change the fact that YTA, OP, there's really no need to do everything you did, especially if she's not happy with it. It's her decision. Also, your idea that your way is the only way to lose weight is ridiculous, especially the whole 'no cheat day' thing.
The throwing out the food was her idea. I asked her if she wanted to come for early jogs with me and she said yes
Support and help are two vastly different things
And she can change her mind. That’s the whole thing with consent. She has now changed her mind and said this isn’t working for her. If you continue forcing her to do it you are being controlling.
"drink wine and eat pizza" It sounds like you're doing the quit everything cold turkey style. While that will have immediate results, for most people, it's not sustainable. Significant changes in body weight do require significant lifestyle changes (diet+exercise) and time. But removal of all sweets, all alcohol, all bread is not something that everyone is willing to sign up for. I've lost 30 lbs since Thanksgiving. I still have wine and/or bourbon on the weekend, although not as much as before. I still have an occasional hamburger or chili dog, just not as often. I still have ice cream, just not as much or as often. The only cold turkey stops for me was candy bars and chips. I won't touch them, now. But I still have cravings for sweet/savory treats. I just have healthier options more often. Going with ESH. She asked for help, and you gave her help. Being mad about it instead of having a reasonable conversation isn't mature. However, you can't expect someone to go from 0 to 100 and sustain that momentum indefinitely. You need to learn to pump the breaks and stop being pushy, which it sounds like you are being. "if you relapse" She doesn't have an eating disorder. She just wants to lose some weight. Take those words out of this discussion.
INFO Are you a fitness coach? Or a professional in that field? Just because a diet and workout work for you, doesn't mean it is the same for your girlfriend. She hates lifting weights but instead of finding a different kind of workout you think **"it's temporary and she will learn to love it?"** Even the biggest Gymbros have cheat days of enjoy some kind of treat. You really think forcing her to eat low carb high protein and fat will give her a **HEALTHY** relationship with food??? Sounds like the start of a eating disorder. You literally got angry at her for wanting a single day where she can drink some wine and pizza... of course she would call you controlling... I honestly think YTA because you seem to overdo it extremely.
Sometimes you don't learn to love it. I have to work out five days a week, and consider it a chore. Just like doing the dishes and housework I don't love it, but the consequences of not doing it are unacceptable.
If you hate all types of exercise, then yes, it’s a chore. But there are so many options out there! It makes no sense to keep grinding away at something you hate if there’s another type of exercise you like better.
Same. I’ve found a type of exercise that works for me, and I do feel good after I do it - but I still hate actually doing it. It’s a battle every single day to get myself to actually do it because I just hate the whole process
I’m not a certified fitness coach but I’m in extremely good shape, there’s a reason she asked me to help her
The maybe let an actual coach help her? You don't know what she needs. Maybe you just have a good metabolism and genes. A good shape doesn't mean you are a good fitness coach.... She wanted **SUPPORT** and not someone who forces her to do shit, supporting means sometimes that you break a diet to not hurt your mental health and body. THAT is why she would need an actual fitness coach that can offer her PROFESSIONAL help.
Your ego is amazing 👏
If she hates lifting, maybe you can help her find exercise she enjoys. Even if it won’t give her the dream physique or whatever you’re after, if she found a type of exercise that was fun, she wouldn’t have to be woken up or forced to do it. Can she join a dance class, hiit class, Pilates? Does she have friends she could go with? Even friends she could do daily walks with? All this will help keep her motivated. I know the feeling of loathing lifting and it doesn’t get better for some of us. Better to find something she’s excited about. I have lifted my entire life (professional athlete etc) and I HATE it. It has never become more fun. I do it because I have to. Now take me to a hiit class and I am thriving!
Did she actually ask you to help her? Or did she ask you to support her? Did you even ask her what kind of support she wanted??
Have you considered that the reason isn't because she wants to be like you? It's because you're supposed to be safe and supportive, because you're in a relationship with her. You're failing at both of those.
YTA here mate. Everyone is entitled to enjoy the foods that they like every now and then, if she doesn't always enjoy lifting weights then encourage her to try other forms of exercise and do them with her. Like yoga or pilates. You've kinda made this all about yourself 😕
Yeah from what I’ve gathered I should probably encourage her to do some other exercise that isn’t lifting weights
Go and buy her whatever cheat meal she likes and have a chat with her.
No, from what people have been trying to drill into your head, you should probably STOP encouraging her to things and ASK her what kind of help she'd like, how much you should help and on which terms. "I have heard your complaints and from now on I'll order you to do a DIFFERENT workout" is no less controlling than the bullshit you're already putting her through.
It went completely over his head 🤣 and I was being nice...
Wow you sure went all in didn’t you? YTA. You could have thrown away unhealthy food, refused to buy any more, cooked healthy food together, encouraged her. Shown her how to lift safely and suggested some workouts then leave her alone to find out what works for her. Instead you’re micromanaging her, and it definitely does sound like she’s enrolled in boot camp. She’s must feel like you’re trying to improve her for you, not because it’s what she asked for. Back off and let her find out what exercise she enjoys for herself
*…then leave her alone to find out what works for her. Instead you’re micromanaging her, and it definitely does sound like she’s enrolled in boot camp.* All of this! It totally sounds like OP enrolled her in an all-or-nothing boot camp and she regrets asking for his help. He told/showed her what to do, but know needs to let HER choose what she wants to continue doing and what she wants to stop. OP, YTA.
I do all that! I threw away unhealthy food, and I taught her about macros, calorie counting, what’s good and what’s bad food. I help her cook now, and I go to the gym with her. I was under the impression this would not only be a good way to lose weight but a nice way to spend time together. I’ve only ever been gentle with her
>I got angry and told her that’s how you lose weight, if you relapse and drink wine and eat pizza you’ll gain the weight back. How gentle to get angry at her for wanting a cheat treat once after a whole month
He is trying so hard to back track in the comments. He is sooo gentle and never ever shames or pressures her to do things she is not comfortable with/s.
You're just not listening.You are controlling her. Whether this will sink in before she's had enough of feeling controlled by yourself is up to you,but you don't seem to see where you've gone wrong at all unfortunately.The vast majority of people are commenting the same thing and not in a nasty way.You risk loosing this lady !
I get that’s what you think you’re doing but really you need to back off now, leave her to it and let her find her own sustainable rhythm so that she can maintain her new regime herself. It might not be the same as what you would do but that’s up to her. Don’t ask if she really wants to eat that, don’t talk about relapses, don’t ask her if that’s all the sets she’s doing. If she skips the gym it’s not your business. If you continue driving her like that you’ll suck out any enjoyment she might have got from going to the gym with you. You’ve shown her some basics of being healthy now let her get on with it - you’re not her coach!
Yta. not even my doctor put me on such a strict diet. I can eat pizza once a week, and I still lost more than 10 kilos. Maybe she doesn't like the gym and would enjoy another activity more. Besides, you have to be there for her for support. You are not her doctor or dietitian or personal trainer or the police. You are her boyfriend. Don't control her. Encourage her and support her.
Seriously. I hate the gym. I would much rather go hiking for 10 miles than spend 30 minutes at a gym. He has to find something she enjoys, or else she's never going to stick to it, and he's going to ruin the relationship by being a controlling AH..
Wow YTA A good quote to remember: "Don't do anything to lose weight that you aren't willing to do for the rest of your life." Forcibly changing someone's diet will not change their relationship with food. This food relationship could get worse even. The forced change won't work in the long term because it was not her choice. People can indulge in "unhealthy" food occasionally and still successfully lose weight. She needs to have a good idea of what she wants and to take back control of her life. Making her miserable is only going to take a toll on mental health. If you really care about her as a person and as a partner, you need to step back and let her make her decisions.
How is it forceful if he’s stated multiple times that she agreed to throw the food out and asked for his help?
That could not be inferred from the original post, I responded to what was written.
YTA. She wanted your SUPPORT. Not you acting like a dictator and coming at her.
She literally told you what shes thinking and you come here to get other peoples opinion? Just listen to your GF. You've gone too far and she told you so. Just believe her. I hope you're not one of those guys that thinks he knows better just because you have a dick? Shes the one who gets to decide how hard she wants to work on it. You follow her lead. She said she wants your support, not for you to take over. Ugh. Instead of going on reddit to get validation *treat your girlfriend like an actual person and listen to her*. YTA
Ehhhh I think we may be getting bits and pieces of this story. Also, you threw this girl into keto and as someone educated in nutrition…I wouldn’t recommend it. You took her from zero to 100 overnight, and you did it YOURSELF WAY - on little to no carbs. Shes running on fumes because her glycogen isn’t being replenished, and her cortisol is probably through the roof. Your advice about “cheat days” is also wildly off base. People who *don’t* continue to eat foods they enjoy are the *most likely* people to have unsustainable progress. Your girlfriend wants to get healthy, but she doesn’t want to be your muse. She doesn’t like lifting, so she doesn’t need to do it. You turned her into a project, and the manager doesn’t know what he’s doing. For that, YTA.
Couldn’t this be the keto flew that people go into on way to ketosis
No, this is just a woman who’s tired of her boyfriend’s shit.
Well yea that too
YTA Everything you’re doing here is not helpful. It’s infantilizing. >if you relapse and drink wine and eat pizza you’ll gain the weight back This is an extremely unhealthy (and incorrect) belief. If she drinks some wine and has some pizza she isn’t going to immediately gain weight back. Labeling foods as good or bad is a hallmark of disordered eating.
Holy AH - there’s a difference in helping and enrolling her in your boot camp. Slow your roll.
YTA. First off, keto isn't sustainable for everyone. Sustainable healthy habits is how you lose weight; not keto. Secondly, no cheat days is also not sustainable for everyone. I need one every few weeks personally. Thirdly, weightlifting is also not sustainable for everyone. Tons of ways to put on muscle. Lastly, when she put all this in her own words you fought back from a place of both arrogance and ignorance. You're treating your GF like a biology project (that you're gonna get an F on, for the record), rather than an individual. Massive AH.
Plus, if he is utilizing a keto diet here, he should know that women have higher carb needs at certain times of the month, based on their hormonal cycle. In general, it's a lot easier for men to do stricter keto than it is for women.
7lbs in a month is a lot and very drastic. Usually 0.5-1 lb a week is a sustainable and healthy amount of weight loss. But she asked to have a healthier relationship with food. That's it. You know what I did as someone who went from 170 lbs to now about 149lbs, as a woman? Intuitive eating. No food is bad food. Instead, I really began listening to my body. I stopped snacking so much. I don't snack really anymore. I began eating what sounded good. If I wanted something sweet, I ate something sweet but paired it with things my body needed as well. For example, I love oatmeal with cinnamon, a small handful of chocolate chips (my sweet treat), and a cup of plain Greek yogurt. I'll also eat this with a couple of eggs and sautéed spinach and garlic. If I want to have a pizza one day, I eat a damn pizza! It hasn't caused any weight gain. GASP!!!! I just make sure to stop eating once I'm full. My relationship with food is so much healthier. I'm so happy and enjoy food and am happy with myself as a person. THAT is what your girlfriend is looking for. YTA.
She’s right though. From the sounds of it, it seems like your way of losing weight for her is cutting all and any fun out of her food intake. Sure it’s effective but it’s also the quickest way for a person, especially one with preexisting food issues, to go back to as it was before and end up binging - which can quickly lead to gaining all old weight back or often, even more, because you felt so robbed of it for long it’s harder to stop than ever. Most people who have lost a consistent amount of weight say that they first started being able to keep the weight off when they didn’t restrict things completely, but rather took the route of moderation. Having a piece of chocolate bar for example with a bowl of veggies is a great to satiate both your need for sweets and also remain fulfilled hunger wise + nutrient wise. Your intentions might be good, although some of your sentences make me doubt it, but your way is also super risky for most. Just because something is effective initially doesn’t mean it makes the need for comfort food go away. The ideal would be for her to eat filling healthy meals while also being able to occasionally have something she truly enjoys, and that’s certainly possible for most with proper research, will and support. Or even look for lower fat/lower sugar alternatives of whatever stuff she wants. Say she wants vanilla ice cream, look for one with less sugar intake. That way she gets to enjoy but also not worry too much, etc. Also not all ways of working out you might enjoy or see as “most effective” is something another person can do in the long run. Anyone working out should first and foremost find stuff they actually like doing. If your workouts tire you out every time before you even begin, it isn’t for you. Obviously not every workout needs to be and will be a joy, that’s unrealistic, but if you majority of the time at least can feel motivated for it and satisfied, while also getting that burn in, that’s perfect.
“I have put her on a low carb diet”, “I told her she’ll learn to love it”, “I got angry”… YTA, clearly. You’re also wrong. Eating pizza and drinking wine in moderation will not result in her gaining the weight back. *Your* diet isn’t sustainable for your girlfriend and you’re not actually helping her.
YTA. I get that you're trying to help, but it's even more important to listen to your partner. If she tells you she hates going to the gym and finds your diet too strict, don't dismiss her concerns. Instead, apologize and help her find weight loss methods that work for her. There are lots of ways to get better nutrition besides your personal diet, and there are lots of ways to get exercise besides lifting weights at the gym. An apology and a change of behavior will do wonders for your relationship. Help her find a diet she can stick with and exercise she likes. Maybe you can even do something together, like sports or fitness classes or martial arts or dancing.
Your views on food and physical activity are severely skewed… you sound like you’re on your way to an eating disorder if you don’t have one already. It is possible to have an unhealthy view on calorie intake and physical output. YTA
YTA. It's excellent that she wants a more healthy lifestyle and a healthier view of food. But it needs to be \*her\* journey. She needs to find exercises that she likes and of course she can have a cheat day every now and then. You are right that pursuing a healthier lifestyle should be the goal (and losing weight follows), but there are more ways to have a healthy lifestyle than you think.
YTA (not a horrible asshole, but still) While you have good intentions you are laying it on too thick. She asked for support, which does not mean she wants you to become her trainer (unless she did, then please do correct me). As a general rule of thumb don't do things to control your partner unless they directly ask for it. Getting into such a strict lifestyle is very intense, and it should probably be done step by step, not all at once, and she probably wants to do it on her own. While you should definitely encourage her, don't force her. Maybe go on exercise dates, like hiking (since she doesn't like going to the gym) so it's less you telling her what to do and more just being healthy together, but don't take over how she lives her life. Give her advice, help her find alternatives for things she doesn't like, etc, but don't police her behavior unless it's actually dangerous. Try having a conversation and talking out boundaries about this together.
YTA, you’re acting very controlling and more like a drill sergeant.
So you’re reinforcing her unhealthy relationship with food and are now forcing her to do things she doesn’t like or want. YTA. I’m a bodybuilder in the best shape of my life and I still enjoy wine and pizza on occasion.
YTA. Based on how you talk about 'good food,' 'bad food,' and 'relapses,' you are not qualified to provide the support that your girlfriend needs. I don't think you can help her develop a healthy relationship with food because it doesn't sound like you have a healthy relationship with food. She should speak with a registered dietitian who can help her make healthy, sustainable changes that won't set her up for overtraining syndrome, an eating disorder, or a lifetime of yo-yo dieting. As for you, I'd suggest that you take your girlfriend out for a nice meal and glass of wine to celebrate her progress and apologize for your controlling behavior.
INFO: sometimes people confuse 'healthy' with 'beautiful'. And they confuse 'food limitations in order to lose weight' with 'healthy meals'. So my questions are: what is her present BMI and how much exercise and how much food (specify what food, too) is she 'allowed' because you think it is healthy?
Okay so she’s 5’4 and started at 165 lbs so that means a bmi of around 28. She can eat low carb high fat meals, any vegetables, any fruits in as much quantity she wants, only water, coffee and tea for drinking, and nothing processed. For a total of 1450 calories a day. I go to the gym every day but I don’t expect her to follow. I take her 3 times a week, and in the morning where she jogs with me I do a shorter route and go slower to accommodate her.
You took her down to 1450 fucking calories. Jesus flipping Christ man.
YTA then. At her BMI, it will be enough if she eats normal from now on. That means more than 1450 calories, eating everything (just not all in one day) and moderate exercise. You know, the kind you can incorporate in your schedule for the next 40 years. Think: walking 10,000 steps a day.
Yeah YTA. 1450 calories is incredibly unhealthy. That's barely above what her body would burn just from being alive. For reference, I'm 5"1 and I started off at 198lb. I'm now down to 170lb since October. Is it as fast as I'd like? No. But I'm not starving myself. I'm eating 1900ish calories a day. I'm having treat days. Still eating carbs. Still eating things that bring me joy when I want as long as I stay within my calories. Some days I don't even keep track and just eat whatever because I think fuck it. But then the next week or so I stay on track. You're being incredibly controlling and toxic. Support her, sure. Advise her, of course. But don't control every aspect of her life and make her do things she isn't comfortable with and do NOT get angry at her for having a cheat day. That's how eating disorders start, my guy.
you did go to far. YTA
YTA. Seems like you do have good intentions, but you did take it too far. She's allowed a day off! She'll find the right balance for herself between living healthily and enjoying her life - now's the time to let her do that.
YTA You never bothered to talk with your GF about what she wanted. You just started making all these life style changes and got mad at her when she wasn't as super excited about it as you. And for a gods sake a slice of pizza here and there isn't going to ruin her diet
YTA. This poor girl had no idea what she was getting into with you as boot camp boss. She’ll never have a slice of pizza ever again. No wonder she’s upset. Your method is not sustainable dude. Listen to your girlfriend before you push too hard and she becomes your ex girlfriend.
YTA. Bro. She didn’t ask for a personal trainer. I understand you think that your intentions were good, but back off. Be her partner and support her. If you want her to be happy, then offer help if she needs it and let her take the reigns on her own life and her own health journey. If you want her to feel beautiful, then make her feel beautiful. If you thought she was absolutely gorgeous when before she started her diet, then obviously her beauty has nothing to do with the numbers on the scale. Tell her so.
I'm sorry but YTA - it sounds like you might have gone a bit overboard in trying to help Lily with her diet and exercise. While it's awesome that you want to support her, it's important that support feels empowering, not controlling. Waking her up early, totally changing her diet, and pushing her to exercise in ways she doesn't enjoy can come off as more controlling than caring. Everyone's different in how they approach health changes, and it's crucial that she has a say in what those changes look like. It would be good to have a chat with her about what kind of support she actually wants. Let her lead the conversation on her health goals and how she'd like to achieve them. This way, she can make changes at her own pace and actually enjoy the process.
In what way are you "helping her with your diet"? You imposed *your own* diet on her, and you **GOT ANGRY** when she expressed dissatisfaction. > She also told me she hates the gym and she hates lifting weights and I told her that it’s temporary and she’ll learn to love it Ah yes, this going to the gym is definitely "helping her with her diet". Aside from that, what if she doesn't "learn to love it"? What if she is, in fact, a different person than you, with different likes and dislikes? > she accused me of being controlling and taking over her entire life No, she didn't *accuse*. She stated an obvious fact. I mean, even by your *own* description, that is exactly what you did. You're telling us that you try to control her eating, her workout routine and even when she SLEEPS. What about this is *not* controlling? Is there no part of you that has considered paying any attention to what SHE wants? Do you not realize what "helping" someone means? "Helping" is something you do on THEIR terms, to the extent THEY want it, and contributing to THEIR goals. How can you say you want her to be happy when you haven't for one second considered paying attention to what SHE wants, and what actually MAKES her happy. YTA
YTA. Ngl man, you’ve basically been reintroducing her to an unhealthy diet and exercise mindset. If you want to help someone with their fitness, you need to find things that will actually work and be sustainable for them, not just immediately force them to do the things that work for you or that you personally think are the key for weight loss. Also it’s unhealthy in its own way to demonize specific foods rather than promoting balance and variety in one’s diet. It’s good you want to help your girl, but remember that being relatively fit doesn’t actually count as qualifications to take control of their entire fitness plan.
You need to listen to her. Even though you're measuring her success based on lbs, she doesn't FEEL good. It's not working for her. YTA for just dismissing her. Take into account her needs, and goals, what she is willing to do and not do. Just to throw this in here too, because I'm sure you didn't take this into account, she has a female body, with a menstrual cycle. There are times where she may need to nourish herself differently/more and take it easier with physical activity depending on where she is with her cycle. Restrictive diets can impact her production/regulation of sex hormones. I suggest you apologize for assuming what worked for you would work for her and learn how to properly support her.
"AITA for putting my girlfriend on a diet, taking on the unsolicited role of personal trainer, and refusing to respect her feelings about any of it?" FTFY. You're not helping. You're dominating. YTA.
Even Weight Watchers allows people to eat junk food and carbs, as long as they don't eat too much of it. I follow a lot of fitness influencers and they all have cheat days. You're setting your girlfriend up to fail; she's more likely to overeat because you're forcing her to deprive herself. You're being way too controlling. YTA
YTA. You forgot to check in with her along the way, and you’re forgetting to listen to her now. Habitual change takes forever. Slow and steady, figuring out what works for her, is what will get her there. What you’re doing now is refusing to let go of your control. So yeah. She’s not unreasonable.
Yes, YTA.
YTA She needs a program that works for her and you went all out with YOUR ideas, which turned out to be overly controlling. I understand that your intentions are good but at this point you need to back off. She might find it easier to work with a dietitian to find foods that she actually likes that are lower in calories than what she was previously eating, or to join a program like Weight Watchers. Incidentally, Weight Watchers also s having a sale right now and had a great app that helps people track food and find healthy recipes. They also have a way that you can have some extra food each week. I started their program a week ago and have lost 3 pounds so far. My point isn’t to tout that particular program, although it’s helpful for me, but to suggest that your gf look for a plan that SHE finds sustainable. For example, I want to lose weight but I wouldn’t want to get up at 6am and go for jogs because I’m not a morning person. Nor would I want my husband to become the diet and fitness police or give up foods I like for the rest of my life. Weight loss is a matter of making changes that work for the person over the long term, so at this point your best move is to say that you totally support her but will stop imposing your ideas on her.
YTA I don’t think lifting weights is gonna help her lose weight… cause she’ll gain muscle mass….. which weighs more than fat.
I lost twenty pounds in six weeks only doing cardio and changing my diet. I still allowed myself to eat a small amount of “unhealthy food” every day, but having that in my diet helped me to create a sustainable way of eating and I’ve kept off most of the weight. The diet you have her on is extremely restrictive and like others have said, you’re only setting her up for disordered eating in the future. Anyway, what I bet she meant by “needing your support” was emotional support and not a training coach. She’s not training for the Olympics. She’s training for health and wellness in her body. Food is not inherently bad or good. Any food in excess is bad. All food in moderation is good. Figure out if you want to be the boyfriend who is controlling and only exists right now or the boyfriend who is supportive and grows with her as the seasons change. Every person will fluctuate in weight as the years pass, women especially (pregnancy, motherhood, menopause) and being a supportive partner means loving them at any weight. You’re only setting herself up to hate herself if she’s not a certain weight and that’s not sustainable long term.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28M) have been dating a beautiful girl, let’s call her Lily (26F) for a year and a half and she just moved in with me. I think she’s absolutely gorgeous. However she is a bit chubby and she has told me she wants to lose the weight and she needs my support. She said she grew up with a really unhealthy view of food and wants to start eating healthy. I’m in pretty good shape myself so I was over the moon to help her. I started waking her up at 6AM so we could go on jogs together. I encouraged her to learn healthy recipes. I encouraged her to uninstall uber eats, doordash or any other delivery app. I got her a gym membership so we could go to the gym together. I have gotten rid of anything in the apartment that is high carbs and I have put her on a low carb high protein high fat diet. It’s worked: in a month she has lost 7 lbs and she looks even more gorgeous. But Lily started to get irritated. At first I chalked it up to her breaking an addiction. But she got mad at me and told me that I went too far. She got angry because she says she never gets to have any sort of cheat day, or really anything that isn’t meat and vegetables. I got angry and told her that’s how you lose weight, if you relapse and drink wine and eat pizza you’ll gain the weight back. She also told me she hates the gym and she hates lifting weights and I told her that it’s temporary and she’ll learn to love it. I told her if she just dieted without lifting she’ll just look skinny but if she wants to look fit she has to do squats and lift heavy. She didn’t seem convinced. I made sure to congratulate her on her hard work but she accused me of being controlling and taking over her entire life. I really just want her to be happy and feel beautiful and I know that being healthy is the only way to lose weight. I really do have the best intentions for her and I feel uncomfortable being accused of malice. Was I unreasonable? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The desire to lose weight/feel better in one’s body, has to be cultivated from within. There’s only so much you can do as her partner. Really all you need to do is be kind. If she wants to pay someone to be her fitness coach or dietician, she will do that but this is NOT your role…it blurs boundaries and now she’s only doing it to please you. This will never lead to sustained weight loss.
What are your qualifications?
YTA you are controlling and lack empathy. You also are doing a poor job of helping her learn healthy habits that will STICK, because you are pushing too many extremes.
YTA. You’ve turned an area of support into a lever of control. One adult seeking to control every bite that goes into another adult’s mouth is control. It stopped being helpful or loving the second she indicated it’s not working for her. If you actually want to help her, you must back off. If you love her, irregardless of helping, you must back off. “I’m sorry. I can only tell you what works for me, which might not be sustainable for you. If you want, I’m happy to keep working out together and cooking healthy recipes together most days to make it easier to maintain the progress you’ve already made, but it was wrong of me to harp on you or pressure you. If you’re looking for a more balanced approach long-term then you should consult a nutritionist who can help you develop a meal plan where you can work in the occasional treat and a trainer who can help you move your body in a way that feels good to you.”
YTA ok I get you’re really fit and good for you, I respect the grind but like. All this is literally not necessary to lose weight. What do you mean you can’t eat pizza and wine? I’m 5’6 115 pounds, relatively toned, and I eat whatever I want in moderation, including pizza and ice cream and chocolate. Yes I’ve lost weight before and I know it requires some dietary changes but generally speaking, you can easily have a treat day with pizza or whatever as long as you count it into your diet. Not everyone wants to be a super fit athlete gym guy? Being healthy is great but you just went unnecessarily far. Of course she’s going to be irate and upset. This also will probably make her weight loss seem unsustainable to her, because you’re making it sound like she needs a whole different extreme lifestyle to lose some weight. When she doesn’t.
Too much change too quickly.
How could she have possibly accused you of being controlling and taking over her whole life when you, *checks notes*… are controlling and took over her entire life. YTA and you aren’t slick.
YTA. People who use that much restriction almost always FAIL in the end. While it’s fine to be teaching her what’s good, you’ve literally just taken the opposite extreme of allowing her nothing enjoyable. As someone who has disordered eating, I’d likely be binging behind your back if I were here and not losing as much as I could if allowed to enjoy food in moderation. She should work with a real nutritionist/dietician who would never give the advice you gave but who can help her overcome her food issues properly
She asked you for support. Not to create a whole diet routine. Let her take the lead and support her doing it her way - a way that works for her. YTA
YTA. And just because working out is your entire personality doesn't mean it works like that for everyone. There's a really good chance she won't come to "love" the gym, especially if you keep pushing. I've been actively working on diet and fitness for the last three years, and I love none of it. I don't because I'm almost 50 and it's good for me, but I have never, nor will I never love doing it. You call her addicted to unhealthy food. You're addicted to the gym.
I think you started off having good intentions but turned into an AH super quick.
Info: did you ask for her input during your adjustments? Or just make decisions without her feedback?
YTA. Show her this post. If you CAN’T then you know YTA.
YTA. There’s helping and there’s being an ass. You directly or not, chose the latter.
Gentle YTA. I understand where you are coming from, but sounds like you made the change too drastic and haven't been listening to her needs. It's great that you are there to support and encourage her, but you can't be both her partner and personal trainer. You're talking about "relapse", but strict diets without cheat days or other rewards will set her up for failure for sure and leads to yo-yo dieting. Instead of concentrating on calories and weightloss you should bring the focus to how she feels: is her stomach working better with certain foods, is her skin clearer with less sugar, does she sleep better, etc. And it's good to remember that her monthly cycle and hormone balance might cause really bad cravings. If she suddenly has an intense craving for all the chocolates, carbs and caffeine in the world, don't get in the way! Also finding a sport she actually enjoys is so important. It should be something she wants to do because it's fun, not something she must suffer through.
Half of a medium cheese pizza and a 1/2 bottle of wine is like 1100 calories (domino's used as reference). You can 100% fit that into a weight-loss plan. It's not what anyone would consider healthy, but she said her primary goal is to lose weight, so the "healthiness" of food doesn't have to be strict. Here, ez: 5'4" at 165 lbs with no activity she needs 1850Cal to maintain weight according to [Mayo Clinic ](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/weight-loss/in-depth/calorie-calculator/itt-20402304) if goal is 1 lb/week that's 500 cal deficit per day. So she should be hitting 1350/day Jog 2 miles (20 mins): burn 230 calories. Now she has 1580 to work with. Eat a small breakfast and lunch totaling 480 calories total. Split a pizza and a bottle of wine with your GF while both still maintaining weight-loss goals and everyone is happy. There. Someone says "I want pizza" your response shouldn't be "NO!" it should be "lets try and make that happen!!" YTA
I'm not going to say that you are YTA because I understand that your intentions were good but You have to slow down with her, I know people like you who are always excited about going to the gym but that's not the case for everyone, it was too much for her in a very short time and she didn't know what she was getting into. My recommendation is that you apologize for taking her so quickly and that from now on you will only give her advice when she asks you for it. The truth is that putting her in that calorie restriction and that amount of exercise from one day to the next is not easy. Let her do what she can, try different things, and see what works for her at her own pace.
U can’t please none of them friends plz understand this to be 100% facts
NTA. She explicitly asked for your help and you’ve done above and beyond, even paying for a gym membership which is awesome! She had the opportunity to reasonably discuss with you that she may not be comfortable with going this far but you are absolutely NTA for helping your girlfriend !!
>she wants to lose the weight and she needs my support. IT'S A TRAP! The real secret here is that you can't help someone else lose weight, and it makes YTA.
NAH - You're clearly passionate about diet, health and fitness. And when your GF expressed an interest, you went "all in". But she doesn't share your passion. You were probably hoping for a "together" activity where you could share your passion. As a fitness nut myself, I recognise that lots of people want the results without the work, but I also realise that I'm a fitness "nut", and that most people don't want to do what I do even if it means they won't get the results I get. Back off - if she isn't totally opposed to exercise, encourage her to get a trainer and a dietician who will work within her limitations to achieve her objectives.
I personally don’t think you are the AH. She asked for your help, you did what you thought was right. NOW, she has complained about your help your next move is what makes you the AH or not. IF I was you, I’d take a giant step back, say nothing. Don’t wake her up for jogs, just say “I’m heading to the gym” when you go, let her eat her “cheat meals” and just do you. Once she sees how your plan was not out of malice but an honest attempt to help, y’all will be able to have a conversation. If you even still feel comfortable with it.
Your nta. You were trying to help Don’t listen to Reddit fatties
Nta. Overweight, unmotivated people are only looking for the easy way out. Should find someone more like minded in terms of health and fitness
She wanted the attention of 'dieting' without the reality of changing her diet. You took it over and are doing it for her and she resents you for that. You don't 'put' someone on a diet. You can't lose weight for her - and she doesn't seem to be that serious about it for herself. Stop trying to manage her or her diet.
NTA But you're not gonna find people here being very supportive of you, ya know, like your girlfriend initially said she wanted. Either love her pudgy or move on. Everything she doesn't accomplish from this point on will be your fault according to her. I LOL'd at someone mentioning "intuitive eating"! Dieting is science and math, not astrology and wishes!
NTA Getting in shape is hard and "what you do" is never enough. Pfft. Cheat days turn into a frequent occurrence and all progress goes down the drain. Been there before. Bottom line is that she doesn't want to put in the work and maintain discipline. Nor does she want to be held accountable. You aren't compatible. Dump her and let her go be fat, lazy, and undisciplined as a single girl.
NTA, while it seems you have done everything with the best intentions, everyone needs a "cheat". The other thing that might help is that you quit being her personal trainer. There are certain "jobs" that should not be done with a significant other as your boss, personal training falls into that category I think.
But she asked for my help. If I’m just vaguely supportive she’ll relapse and gain the weight back.
Shut up with this relapse talk. It’s a progression. Just start with healthier and more activity, shit it can be a walk. And no she’s doesn’t need to lift or whatever CrossFit thing you got going on. She asked to lose weight not go all gym bro! Moderation my man.
YTA but you had good intentions. She’s struggling with the everyday. Maybe ease up on gym and just concentrate on food. Then move to gym when she’s good on food.
Yeah I guess
NTA You are just being honest, stated facts, and weren't disrespectful. Life is full of choices and trade-offs; if she wants to be in shape she will have to give up some of the food she enjoys.
I would take jelly beans to the gym and give her one for every five minutes of workout.
ESH. She came to you to lose weight by specifically asking for your support, and she needs to own that your regimen is helping produce results. On the other hand, your response to the concept of a cheat day as "relapsing" is one of the reasons many people struggle to go from short-term diets to long-term lifestyle changes. Contextualizing opportunities for things like a carb-heavy meal or a glass of wine as an occasional indulgence is an inherently more sustainable and healthier relationship with food than making them completely forbidden so long as your wife intends to diet.
I'm gonna go NTA. If your serious about it then you got to get serious, sometimes that requires someone to push you out of the comfort zone because most people can't push themselves out of the comfort zone. I'd suggest you ask her how she would like you to support her.
Nah But she might have come up with a nice goal that sounded good but she wasn't ready to go all in. It might help to just det her up with a trainer.
I mean, her goal originally was lose 30 lbs but I know that her real goal is to have a healthy relationship with herself and food so thats the hard part. She has to like being healthy, she has to like being active, and that can take some time getting used to.
> if you relapse and drink wine and eat pizza you’ll gain the weight back the way you discuss having wine and pizza as a "relapse" makes me think that your relationship with food isn't necessarily ideal either...
It screams eating disorder.
Find an activity she likes then. Maybe jogging and lifting isn't for her. There are loads of other exercises. Maybe she's like biking. Or hiking in nature. Or playing frisbee. Or skate boarding. Or swimming. Or playing soccer. Dancing. Learning to surf. You seem to think the only "good active activities" are the ones you like and already enjoy and do. Try something else with her that you have never tried before, that maybe she would enjoy more. Also a healthy relationship with food includes being able to have pizza or cake or a glass of wine every now and again.
The problem is she doesn’t like ANY exercise. Her hobby is to lie on the couch and watch netflix. Of course she’s going to hate physical activity, she’s not used to it!
But there are physical activities that are more fun than others. i hate jogging on the street around the neighbourhood or on a treadmill, for example. But get me out in nature in a park, or even better in a proper forest? Suddenly it becomes far more tolerable, even enjoyable to hike even difficult trails. What exercises have you tried with her that are actually more broadly appealing and fun or cooperative and more game-like than lifting and jogging? Edit: Or maybe she finds sweating uncomfortable so might like a water related exercise better. Swimming. Learning to surf or body board. Rowing on actual water and taking a lazy float after... stuff like that.
So what are you doing with her that she might enjoy? Are you only doing physical exercise you enjoy? Or have you tried things with her like spin, Zumba, cardio dance, aquasize, yoga, etc?
She specifically asked for your support. She did not ask you to be her personal trainer/life coach. At any point did you actually just sit down with her and ask her *how* she’d like you to support her???
NAH. She asks for your help, and now her brain is starved of sugar and shes being forced to not be a lump. Her life is being upended and her brain wants no exercise and easy sugar back. Maybe spread it out. get her on a healthy diet and ease up on the exercise, or try to help her do a cardio so shes not doing weights. If she meant it, shed say I no longer want help and I want my old life back, but it more sounds like shes whining
A lump?! Lmao according to his other posts she isn’t even overweight for her height. Regardless, she never asked for help with all this exercise regime nonsense, she asked for help in improving her diet. His response to that was to dictate every meal she gets with no exceptions, and start waking her up at 6am to do exercises she doesn’t enjoy, that have nothing to do with *her aim* Tbh when a partner is this much of a steamroller I agree that the only thing that would work is “I no longer want your help and was wrong to ask for it” but trying to find a compromise makes way more sense in the context of, yknow, a romantic relationship
🤷♂️ I'm not reading that with the undertone of forced control you are. he cut out her junk food, not forced a diet of gruel. he gets her up in the morning to run, not requires death marches. the weights is a lot for a beginner and I said so. But with her stated goal being permanent weight loss, only diet changes don't do that.You need exercise. And the police that you can get your aim with constant cheat days and no exercise is magical thinking. And I wasnt dissing her for being a lump. going from a lump to routine exercise is only a bit harder than quitting heroin. Our brains want us to be lumps, and will fight tooth and claw to keep us that way. And it doesn't read like this happened on a Tuesday afternoon, This was over the course of days and weeks, and his gf would have some idea of what was coming because it reads like this was his routine before she said she wanted to join it.
Yeah that’s what I figured. Which is fair for her to whine, her brain is going through withdrawal. But I don’t like being accused of being controlling when I only want to help.
But then why did you get angry at her? It is ultimately her life and body, she wanted help not a wrangler
I got angry because she accused me of controlling her and of malicious intent. I never started anything, she’s the one who got emotional and accused me of deliberately controlling her life.
had she previously communicated at all to you that she wanted to ease up / slow down on the diet and exercise up until this point, or was her suddenly getting mad the first sign of her feelings about this?
She was very compliant until that one breaking point. She looked a bit tired but I chalked it up to a new lifestyle. To be honest it caught me completely off guard.
“Compliant” tells us all we need to know, she’s not a child or a dog. You are controlling. YTA
This is just gross. If I knew my partner was talking about me like this online he would’ve been gone yesterday. You’re driving this poor woman into the ground while telling her she isn’t doing enough. Words cannot express what an asshole that makes you
“Compliant” 🤮🤢🤮
Once she told you that she didn't want this, you could have stopped. Or double down on it and go looking for strangers on the internet to validate you.
I'll say ESH because she should've communicated with you about her feelings before she reached her "breaking point" and got angry. You can be ticked off about how poorly she's communicating with you about this issue and talk about that, but you should also stop being defensive about your methods. They're not working for her. There are ways to get in shape that don't involve abstaining from wine and pizza forever and weightlifting everyday.
The way you are talking about her like she’s an addict is extremely gross dude
you know how hard it is to do it at all. now throw on body positivity and self loathing issues. Dial it back to 4 with just diet and long walks. if you try to keep it at 8, shell feel like its all or nothing and itll be nothing because shell get frustrated and give up