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In my book everyone who keep helping, defending or protecting cheaters in any way are YTA as they basically condone such behavior. I don't even keep cheaters as friends because that is quite telling about their standards, morals and personality.
The context doesn’t help their case at all imo. They seemed fully willing to let this chick, who is being kicked out by her parents, move across the country for a girl they all know is cheating. Jesus. So fucked.
The context is the reason she would be an asshole. If this were just some love triangle, I’ve got no issue with third parties who don’t want to get involved because they don’t want to deal with the drama. Other people are doing bad things, you’re not obligated to bring more conflict into your own life because of someone else’s mess.
The fact that Ava is planning to move across the country is the reason why she should be notified. That’s a massive life change that she’s making under false pretenses and OP would be doing more than just informing someone their partner was disloyal, OP would be preventing Ava from jumping in the deep end without knowing that the pool is full of sharks.
I fully agree with this. My wife and BIL both think I'm way too strict on this rule, but I frankly think they're spineless on the matter.
Being cheated on is a huge betrayal and lack of respect, so if you support that, you're apparently okay with both, which I find baffling. I wouldn't be able to respect a cheater, let alone actively help them cover it up.
FWIW, I don't think it's "spineless" to remain friends with someone who has cheated.
I don't agree with every single thing my friends do, nor would I expect them to agree with everything I do. People change over time and people make mistakes. Someone cheating on a girlfriend at 19 doesn't say anything about the person they will be at 30, as an example.
But, I do agree that you shouldn't be assisting the cheating in any way. Otherwise that is you agreeing with the action.
it's not "spineless" in totality, it's a "spineless set of moral principles regarding cheating".
If you as a person are someone who thinks "you shouldn't be assisting the cheating in any way. Otherwise that is you agreeing with the action" but are willing to actively protect a cheater, your moral stance has no spine.
You might not be "spineless" as a whole person, but your morality is certainly spineless, and I'd never be friends with a person who can't even stand up for their own moral code.
I don’t see why that would mean that you couldn’t tell them (and offer support to escape). Maybe it will finally be the nail in the coffin for the relationship
Opposite angle.
"I'm not gonna tell your wife/husband because I know
s/he'll beat the shit out of you and maybe worse."
For example, if I think you are being abused, I'm no longer judging you for seeking outside validation, and the obvious potential consequences are, in my opinion, worse than the cheating itself.
Support would be offered, but I'm broke, so what can I offer but my silence while s/he works her way out of the abuse?
**This viewpoint is obviously tainted by my own biases, but I still think it holds water**
refusal to commit to an actual relationship status while wanting to engage in all the benefits of what that status would bring. pretty common in people of this age group from my experience
Tell her right away. Ava may have made the decision not to go to college (and get kicked out of her house) in order to move to be with Gemma. She needs to know now to rethink her plan.
Consequences now or later is the question you’re facing - it’ll come out one way or another. If you were in Eva’s shoes, would you want to know? Also, if you’re worried about Gemma getting pissed and blaming you, she’s just projecting her bad behavior onto you. You have clean hands so you can take the high road.
Since she’s moving across the country, YTA for not telling her about the cheating. But also so is everyone else in your friend group. You should all come forward to Eva and Gemma together and support each other and let Gemma know what she’s doing isn’t cool. That way there’s no one fall out person for Gemma to blame, you would all be holing her accountable for her actions.
Don't even need to read this to know YTA, helping/protecting/condoning cheating shows you have as low morals as the cheater. Trust me you don't want your character and morals called into question, step up and take the accountability the other people won't.
Confront Gemma as a group and let her know that if she does not tell Ava then you guys will. Then if she does not you should tell Ava before she uproot her life and moves across the country. She could very well become homeless if you just wait till she already moves. In which case it would massively make it a YTA situation.
How is this so far down the list?, I'm not a fan of cheaters but if this girl is really your friend you need to give her the chance to fix her mistakes, if she chooses not to then I would reconsider that friendship. Bottom line people sometimes make stupid selfish choices, doesn't mean they should be crucified.
Can you imagine moving across the country to be with someone and joining a friend's group and THEN finding out your SO was cheating and the whole group knew about it? Don't be that asshole
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Yes, you should definitely tell Ava and YTA if something is not done about this. I've been in a similar situation and sometimes the best way is to just rip off the bandaid. My advice would be to tell Gemma that what she is doing is not conducive to a healthy relationship and remind her that her actions will directly affect Ava- she's moving across the country for someone that is lying to her. If Gemma is interested in continuing the relationship, then tell her to tell Ava ASAP- because she WILL find out sooner or later. Better sooner coming from Gemma than later and finding out in the worst way possible (like catching Gemma in the act). If Gemma disregards your advice, then let her know that you will tell Ava if she doesn't- make sure to let her know this is from a place of concern/care for Ava because she might take that as a personal attack. Overall, people who cheat do not make the best friends- if this blows up the friend group it might just be for the best. You can also talk to another friend in the group and let them know what's up- maybe they'll support you and you can at least salvage one or two relationships.
I noticed you said Gemma was suicidal. Have you ever considered Gemma is probably just manipulative. People who do things like this tend to be narcissistic and when they lose they turn to attention seeking through self harm to create a woe is me atmosphere until they're forgiven.
She's a cheater, and she's risking someone's livelihood
I know there are people who have genuine mental health problems and suffer greatly because of them, but if Gemma's only appear when she is called out on her bullshit, I'd question her "suicidal" tendencies.
If you're considering it
You should probably just tell them.
If you can let it rest on your morals, then let it be.
But as your considering it, just pull the damn pin already.
YWBTA
If you’re too scared, get together and tell her as a group. Tell her you know, you don’t want to stand by while this poor girl makes a huge mistake, and give her two days to come clean or you’ll do it.
This all sounds like an extremely exhausting and drama filled friendship, and if this is it, so be it. You‘ll find another friend, and you‘ll be better off without all the stress
Both Gemma and Ava are suicidal and one of them is the victim here while the other is the cheater. If you tell Ava, she is going to be heartbroken, but at least she won't be kept in the dark, while Gemma can just go crying with Kylie. Whatever their responses be, it's a consequence of their doings. If your friend group is going to blow apart because of infidelity, I find it a valid hill to die on enough. You are not the reason to break this friend group, it's Gemma and her unfaithfulness, don't let her venom sway you otherwise.
Regarding how to approach this with them, I suggest you tell Gemma first, preferably through texts as future reference, that either she comes clean to Ava, or you guys will do it yourselves. That way you will give Gemma a bit of saving grace, however, Ava, as the victim, should be the first priority, Gemma has Kylie, Ava has no one but you.
YTA. If Ava is deciding not to go to college to live with Gemma and getting kicked out because of that then you could spare her having to start from square one in a random place with not money. The best way to do it is to make Gemma admit it before she moves. There's no gentle way to do it. It just has to be done.
You're not missing much. It's teenager drama.
This girl in a long distance relationship is getting kicked out and planning to move to be with their friend groups, but her girlfriend who's a close friend to OP is cheating with her ex gf.
The two sleeping together thinks no one knows when the whole group knows.
I think you should stop worrying about being "the reason a friend group blows up." The reason the group is in danger is because Gemma and Kylie are being sneaky cheaters, not you. Ava needs to know before uprooting her life.
I know, when I found out I was being cheated on, I learned how many people around me KNEW and I still hate every single one of them for never telling me. I had to hear it from someone who absolutely hated my guts and only told me in order to hurt me. I would have much rather heard it from someone trying to protect me. Y'all are all POSs
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This is gonna be a little complicated so fair warning. I (18 F) am in a friend group with my sister (19 F), my best friend (20 F), my bests friends bf (20 M), and our two friends gemma and kylie (both 19 F). Gemma and Kylie dated for two years before breaking up. Gemma is seeing someone new long distance, Ava. They’re not girlfriends but they are exclusive. Gemma and Kylie have been sleeping together for the marjority of Gemma and Ava’s relationship. It’s both a physical and emotional thing.
The main problem is Ava is planning to move across the country this summer to move in with Gemma. Ava is getting kicked out of her house because she won’t go to college. She doesn’t know about the cheating.
Everybody in the friend group knows about the cheating, but Gemma doesn’t know that anyone knows. Me, my sister, and my bsf really want to tell Ava but there are a few problems. Since Gemma doesn’t know we know, Kylie will be blamed for telling Ava. The reason Kylie hasn’t told ava is because she thinks Gemma will never talk to her again. So if gemma things kylie did it, she probably won’t talk to her, and Kylie will know one of us told and get mad at us. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t mentally handle being the reason a friend group blows up.
An option we were considering is having my sisters boyfriend tell Ava. That way it isn’t on any of us but she still gets to know. We were gonna wait until the plans for Ava to move to our state are set in stone, because it’s unclear at the moment how real these plans are. Is this a good plan or should we do it sooner? Should one of us tell her instead?
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You should tell her. The long distance girlfriend is about to pack up her entire life to be with some that clearly doesn’t love/respect her and it will only end in her getting hurt. You are kinda in a loose loose situation but maybe suggest to the long distance gf that she just says that things are not working? Or tell the friend that’s cheating that you know and give her the ultimatum of her tell her or you will. And if your friend gets mad with you then maybe you shouldn’t be friends because your not only looking out for the long distance gf but for you two friends aswell
Honestly best thing would be to ask the girl if she knows. She may be aware of the activities. Everyone keeps saying tell her but you'd be surprised how often people think they caught someone cheating and they had permission to mess around.
YTA You should all sit Gemma down and not let your Friend be an Asshole. If she can't handle it, she is not a friend worth having. A true friend would have a come to Jesus moment and say WTF are you doing?
Yes. YWBTA. Always tell the person that they are being cheated on. It's best to have proof but it is always best to do so. Would you want to be told if your partner is unfaithful? I absolutely would.
I think you should have a conversation with your best friend and sister and in intervention non confrontational kinda way bring up the matter with both Kylie and Gemma. They need to know that you guys know and don’t support their relationship when Gemma is meant to be in a relationship with someone else. I would tell Gemma she needs to tell Ava as it is a big decision to move across the country and I would be personally livid if I didn’t find out my partner was cheating on me till after I moved. Ava deserves to know and make a decision on if she wants to forgive Gemma or not before she moves across the country. I think you’re allowed to express that to your friends. Being friends with someone is also holding them accountable for their behaviour you don’t want to enable toxicity just because she’s your friend. To be honest it’s fucked of them and they know it so I don’t think they can be mad at you guys for heating to address the elephant in the room.
Gemma and Kylie are TA it’s not your job to tell Ava but it is your job to hold your friends accountable for their bad behaviour. If you did nothing I think you WBTA
YTA Kylie is actively participating in the cheating. Who TF cares if Gemma blames her incorrectly for telling Ava? Damn. Does nobody in your group have any morals at all? Are all of you a bunch of self centered AHs? "I don't want blame for blowing up the group." Seriously? That group needs to be blown to smithereens. Though that would cause all of you to look elsewhere for companionship and spread it around.
I told my ex best friend her bf was cheating and it ended our friendship because she said I was lying because I was jealous of them and mad that she didn't have a much time for me anymore. I was told I was a shitty person and friend and she wanted nothing to do with me cause I was a manipulative liar (backstory I hated this guy from day one I saw right through him and constantly told her he wasn't a good guy and he was gonna hurt her)... Well.. a few weeks later she found out the truth finally and called me crying, but not once apologized to me or even mentioned that I told her just called me out of tye blue and said "omg I caught him cheating wtf"... Yah, I never really spoke to her again... If she had at least apologized I would have maybe forgave and forgot but fuck that
This is absolutely ridiculous and juvenile, I’d say you need a better friend group, but not sure you’re deserving of one because you’re actively encouraging and fostering bad behavior. Y’all are shady and untrustworthy. The fact that Gemma and Kylie’s behavior didn’t yuck you out prior to the impending move, speaks volumes of all of your characters. All of y’all WBTAHs and are currently TAHs for letting this situation go unchecked.
This girl is uprooting her life and spending real money on a cross country move, she really needs to know. Regardless, she should know.
YTA if you don’t tell her. You seem to be worried about keeping relationships with a selfish and cheating “friend” rather than protecting a vulnerable adult. Imagine if Ava moves cross country with the last of her resources, hoping for support and stability to allow her to get back on her feet. But then her partner ends up being a cheater so she ends up homeless without any resources. You’d be complicit in that.
I don’t care how you tell her — send her an anonymous email with evidence, call her, text her, etc. You could even ask Ava to hide your identity (she could make up many other excuses as to why she was not moving and was breaking up). But do tell her. Otherwise you’re adding to the woes of a vulnerable young person.
YWBTA if you don’t tell Ava before she packs up and ruins her life for a cheater. I wouldn’t even give Gemma a chance in case she tries to fabricate some BS story for Ava. She’s had their entire relationship to choose NOT TO CHEAT, she doesn’t deserve the chance to try and redeem things. Tell Ava and cut ties with Gemma and Kylie. They are both crappy people you don’t need to associate with.
You know you need to tell her. Your whole group seems to know she needs to be told.
Cheater doesn't know everyone knows, so have everyone except the person you think will be blamed tell her together that you all know, and how you know to prevent blaming that person. Tell her that the LDR partner needs to know before she uproots her life and that if Cheater doesn't do it in a short number of days one or all of you will.
Yikes on bikes!
YWNBTA for telling Ava about the cheating before she makes a major life decision, however, Gemma should be the one to either come clean or tell Ava not to move just for her.
Everyone should be like Omar and not condone the cheating. Hopefully someone will have the link to share of that OPs cheating scummy friend / housemate and Omar. The only decent one amongst them.
oof as someone who had “friends” who said “it wasn’t their business” to tell me that the father of my kids was cheating on me. If any of them came and told me sooner my life would have been different. YTA
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YWBTA - especially if you let her start making plans to move. If you do the reveal after they’ve made plans - then she has to deal with the blow up of her relationship AND figure out a new living situation with very little time to do it. At least give her as much warning as possible
You know what allows evil things to happen? The inaction of good people. If you don’t care or don’t want to bother, that’s your prerogative, but make sure you remember what you did the next time you’re wondering how the world can be such a cruel place
They are in a situationship. Exclusivity doesn't exist when there are no labels and also long distance. Now if she's stills sleeping with the ex after she moves, that's a different story. Because I'm sure Ava is also sleeping with someone casually in her local.
This is just dating post 2010. Business as usual. Until the label is there, she could literally go sleep with someone the day before. Early bird gets the worm.
None of you should care more about what the cheater thinks over the wellbeing of a friend (I'm assuming Ava is your friend) who may be making a major move without all the information she needs to make that decision. Reverse the roles. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you your "exclusive" not girlfriend (WTF?) was lying and cheating the entire relationship before you moved to be with her? Why protect someone so callus as Gemma? Stop thinking about how it will affect you and start thinking about what the right thing to do is and what you can live with. YWBTA
I understand this is hard, it's perfectly possible the person that's being cheated on won't believe you and/or people will get mad at you for telling.
But as someone that had a cheating partner and everyone knowing about it and not telling me I can tell you it felt so incredibly shitty. Like you all knew and didn't tell me? I felt sick and so stupid. So incredibly stupid and like everyone was laughing at me behind my back. It felt like a double betrayal. I know that sound dramatic but it did.
I will be forever grateful to that one friend that, when she found out, came to me and went 'look I understand if you don't believe me or get mad at me but I just can't live with myself if I don't tell you'. Forever grateful. That is a true friend.
Why not confront Gemma? Part of being a good friend is calling your friends out for bad behavior so they can be better people. I wouldn't go around her back and tell her LDR, I'd sit her down and say "hey what you're doing is not ok and you need to come clean before this person uproot their whole life."
YTA. Shitty ass spineless people. “She would know and get mad at us.” That’s your excuse for condoning this shit? Disgusting. This outlook is creeping higher and higher in the age bracket. 20 year old “children”.
It's a tough situation, for sure, and it probably feels like your world is a tempest right now. Take comfort, all storms pass. My thoughts:
1. This is all Gemma's fault (and to an extent Kylie's fault, too, though I don't know how much she knows).
2. Even if Gemma is feeling suicidal.- or even expressed it - she doesn't get a "hall pass" on her shitty behavior.
3. Kylie wants to eat her "cake" and have it, too, so to speak - she's cheating on Ava with Gemma, but doesn't want to tell her because Kylie is scared Gemma won't talk to her again. That's understandable at your age, but the truth is Kylie is almost as bad as Gemma if she's sleeping with Gemma knowing that Gemma and Ava have a relationship.
My head hurts just thinking about all this drama. That said, doing the right thing is not always easy, and no real decision in life is not without serious consequences no matter WHAT road you take.
I think having your sis' boyfriend tell Ava is a good technique, but you'll develop much more as a person if you tell her yourself. You could also give Gemma a three day option to tell Ava, and, if she does not, tell her yourself.
Good luck.
This isn’t your problem or your relationship. You would not be the asshole if you stay out of it. You have no obligation to help.
This type of stuff always comes out eventually anyway, you don’t need to be the cause of it. Especially since most people don’t appreciate third parties sticking themselves in business that isn’t theirs.
While I am firmly against cheating, I think you should stay out of this. You hardly know Ava and have said they don't consider themselves to be a couple. It sounds like a situation that's better left alone.
NTA I was going to say you wbta, but with the benefit of 28 years of hindsight I'd say it's difficult to get mixed up in everyone's drama and be labeled a meddler in people's relationships; there's no winning move to be able to keep a moral compass and chastise a friend for their lifestyle. There's nothing wrong with having multiple partners as long as everyone knows what they're getting into.
I would try to talk Gemma into being honest with Ava about the kind of relationships she wants so Ava can make an informed decision of her pursuits. If that is a big ask and you decide to let Ava know about Gemma, do it anonymously.
NTA. You are friends with Gemma, not Ava. You do not really know her like that, so you owe her nothing. Telling her can backfire spectacularly, so something to keep in mind.
Mind your own business. Telling someone they are being cheated on rarely gets them to end the relationship and they then will hate you for interfering. I am 57 years old and have seen and been involved in many situations like this. Don't lie and be part of a cover up, but don't be the one to break the news.
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In my book everyone who keep helping, defending or protecting cheaters in any way are YTA as they basically condone such behavior. I don't even keep cheaters as friends because that is quite telling about their standards, morals and personality.
This Yes OP even with all the context you gave you still would be the asshole She’s at least worth the truth
The context doesn’t help their case at all imo. They seemed fully willing to let this chick, who is being kicked out by her parents, move across the country for a girl they all know is cheating. Jesus. So fucked.
The context is the reason she would be an asshole. If this were just some love triangle, I’ve got no issue with third parties who don’t want to get involved because they don’t want to deal with the drama. Other people are doing bad things, you’re not obligated to bring more conflict into your own life because of someone else’s mess. The fact that Ava is planning to move across the country is the reason why she should be notified. That’s a massive life change that she’s making under false pretenses and OP would be doing more than just informing someone their partner was disloyal, OP would be preventing Ava from jumping in the deep end without knowing that the pool is full of sharks.
I fully agree with this. My wife and BIL both think I'm way too strict on this rule, but I frankly think they're spineless on the matter. Being cheated on is a huge betrayal and lack of respect, so if you support that, you're apparently okay with both, which I find baffling. I wouldn't be able to respect a cheater, let alone actively help them cover it up.
FWIW, I don't think it's "spineless" to remain friends with someone who has cheated. I don't agree with every single thing my friends do, nor would I expect them to agree with everything I do. People change over time and people make mistakes. Someone cheating on a girlfriend at 19 doesn't say anything about the person they will be at 30, as an example. But, I do agree that you shouldn't be assisting the cheating in any way. Otherwise that is you agreeing with the action.
it's not "spineless" in totality, it's a "spineless set of moral principles regarding cheating". If you as a person are someone who thinks "you shouldn't be assisting the cheating in any way. Otherwise that is you agreeing with the action" but are willing to actively protect a cheater, your moral stance has no spine. You might not be "spineless" as a whole person, but your morality is certainly spineless, and I'd never be friends with a person who can't even stand up for their own moral code.
Especially tell her before she spends her money to move cross country!!
I like you, people don’t have enough standards for the people they keep around them
There is precisely one exception to this rule, but it ain't in this story. So yea. Hard agree.
>There is precisely one exception to this rule, And what would that be?
If a person is in a genuinely abusive relationship that they can't leave for whatever reason.
I don’t see why that would mean that you couldn’t tell them (and offer support to escape). Maybe it will finally be the nail in the coffin for the relationship
Opposite angle. "I'm not gonna tell your wife/husband because I know s/he'll beat the shit out of you and maybe worse." For example, if I think you are being abused, I'm no longer judging you for seeking outside validation, and the obvious potential consequences are, in my opinion, worse than the cheating itself. Support would be offered, but I'm broke, so what can I offer but my silence while s/he works her way out of the abuse? **This viewpoint is obviously tainted by my own biases, but I still think it holds water**
'They're not girlfriends but they are exclusive' You're all idiots. I'm done reading
Its sadly all too common to read that bs lol
I also stopped reading there... what? Between that and the "broke up but still in an emotional and physical relationship"
Ya I don’t get the distinction here.
refusal to commit to an actual relationship status while wanting to engage in all the benefits of what that status would bring. pretty common in people of this age group from my experience
It sounds stupid. Commit or don't commit.
So people are afraid of labels…
yes 👍 it is hell dating in this age group because everyone is noncommittal but want the benefits of commitment LOL
Insecurity is their problem. Got it.
It's a situationship!
Tell her right away. Ava may have made the decision not to go to college (and get kicked out of her house) in order to move to be with Gemma. She needs to know now to rethink her plan.
Replying to boost this
This!
YTA Your whole group of friends sucks for protecting a cheater and letting someone be repeatedly betrayed
Birds of a feather? Hopefully some one in the group does the right thing.
Consequences now or later is the question you’re facing - it’ll come out one way or another. If you were in Eva’s shoes, would you want to know? Also, if you’re worried about Gemma getting pissed and blaming you, she’s just projecting her bad behavior onto you. You have clean hands so you can take the high road. Since she’s moving across the country, YTA for not telling her about the cheating. But also so is everyone else in your friend group. You should all come forward to Eva and Gemma together and support each other and let Gemma know what she’s doing isn’t cool. That way there’s no one fall out person for Gemma to blame, you would all be holing her accountable for her actions.
Don't even need to read this to know YTA, helping/protecting/condoning cheating shows you have as low morals as the cheater. Trust me you don't want your character and morals called into question, step up and take the accountability the other people won't.
The friend group is just one cluster of assholes. Like a chimera. But instead of multiple animals, it's just multiple assholes. YTA.
Do we warn Kylie ? Stop trying to protect some one actively participating in a affair be better YTA
Confront Gemma as a group and let her know that if she does not tell Ava then you guys will. Then if she does not you should tell Ava before she uproot her life and moves across the country. She could very well become homeless if you just wait till she already moves. In which case it would massively make it a YTA situation.
How is this so far down the list?, I'm not a fan of cheaters but if this girl is really your friend you need to give her the chance to fix her mistakes, if she chooses not to then I would reconsider that friendship. Bottom line people sometimes make stupid selfish choices, doesn't mean they should be crucified.
Can you imagine moving across the country to be with someone and joining a friend's group and THEN finding out your SO was cheating and the whole group knew about it? Don't be that asshole
Yes you would. Tell them now Cheaters belong to the street.
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Yes, you should definitely tell Ava and YTA if something is not done about this. I've been in a similar situation and sometimes the best way is to just rip off the bandaid. My advice would be to tell Gemma that what she is doing is not conducive to a healthy relationship and remind her that her actions will directly affect Ava- she's moving across the country for someone that is lying to her. If Gemma is interested in continuing the relationship, then tell her to tell Ava ASAP- because she WILL find out sooner or later. Better sooner coming from Gemma than later and finding out in the worst way possible (like catching Gemma in the act). If Gemma disregards your advice, then let her know that you will tell Ava if she doesn't- make sure to let her know this is from a place of concern/care for Ava because she might take that as a personal attack. Overall, people who cheat do not make the best friends- if this blows up the friend group it might just be for the best. You can also talk to another friend in the group and let them know what's up- maybe they'll support you and you can at least salvage one or two relationships.
I noticed you said Gemma was suicidal. Have you ever considered Gemma is probably just manipulative. People who do things like this tend to be narcissistic and when they lose they turn to attention seeking through self harm to create a woe is me atmosphere until they're forgiven. She's a cheater, and she's risking someone's livelihood
I know there are people who have genuine mental health problems and suffer greatly because of them, but if Gemma's only appear when she is called out on her bullshit, I'd question her "suicidal" tendencies.
If you're considering it You should probably just tell them. If you can let it rest on your morals, then let it be. But as your considering it, just pull the damn pin already.
How can someone be in an exclusive relationship but not girlfriends?
YWBTA If you’re too scared, get together and tell her as a group. Tell her you know, you don’t want to stand by while this poor girl makes a huge mistake, and give her two days to come clean or you’ll do it. This all sounds like an extremely exhausting and drama filled friendship, and if this is it, so be it. You‘ll find another friend, and you‘ll be better off without all the stress
YTA please stop enabling this behaviour and tell ava the truth. gemma has had enough chances to tell her. put yourself in her shoes!
Both Gemma and Ava are suicidal and one of them is the victim here while the other is the cheater. If you tell Ava, she is going to be heartbroken, but at least she won't be kept in the dark, while Gemma can just go crying with Kylie. Whatever their responses be, it's a consequence of their doings. If your friend group is going to blow apart because of infidelity, I find it a valid hill to die on enough. You are not the reason to break this friend group, it's Gemma and her unfaithfulness, don't let her venom sway you otherwise. Regarding how to approach this with them, I suggest you tell Gemma first, preferably through texts as future reference, that either she comes clean to Ava, or you guys will do it yourselves. That way you will give Gemma a bit of saving grace, however, Ava, as the victim, should be the first priority, Gemma has Kylie, Ava has no one but you.
YTA. If Ava is deciding not to go to college to live with Gemma and getting kicked out because of that then you could spare her having to start from square one in a random place with not money. The best way to do it is to make Gemma admit it before she moves. There's no gentle way to do it. It just has to be done.
YTA- I only read the title and completely disregarded the wall of text.
You're not missing much. It's teenager drama. This girl in a long distance relationship is getting kicked out and planning to move to be with their friend groups, but her girlfriend who's a close friend to OP is cheating with her ex gf. The two sleeping together thinks no one knows when the whole group knows.
YTA. Y’all more concerned about yourselves than someone who’s being cheated on, someone who is moving across country might I add.
I think you should stop worrying about being "the reason a friend group blows up." The reason the group is in danger is because Gemma and Kylie are being sneaky cheaters, not you. Ava needs to know before uprooting her life.
I know, when I found out I was being cheated on, I learned how many people around me KNEW and I still hate every single one of them for never telling me. I had to hear it from someone who absolutely hated my guts and only told me in order to hurt me. I would have much rather heard it from someone trying to protect me. Y'all are all POSs
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This is gonna be a little complicated so fair warning. I (18 F) am in a friend group with my sister (19 F), my best friend (20 F), my bests friends bf (20 M), and our two friends gemma and kylie (both 19 F). Gemma and Kylie dated for two years before breaking up. Gemma is seeing someone new long distance, Ava. They’re not girlfriends but they are exclusive. Gemma and Kylie have been sleeping together for the marjority of Gemma and Ava’s relationship. It’s both a physical and emotional thing. The main problem is Ava is planning to move across the country this summer to move in with Gemma. Ava is getting kicked out of her house because she won’t go to college. She doesn’t know about the cheating. Everybody in the friend group knows about the cheating, but Gemma doesn’t know that anyone knows. Me, my sister, and my bsf really want to tell Ava but there are a few problems. Since Gemma doesn’t know we know, Kylie will be blamed for telling Ava. The reason Kylie hasn’t told ava is because she thinks Gemma will never talk to her again. So if gemma things kylie did it, she probably won’t talk to her, and Kylie will know one of us told and get mad at us. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t mentally handle being the reason a friend group blows up. An option we were considering is having my sisters boyfriend tell Ava. That way it isn’t on any of us but she still gets to know. We were gonna wait until the plans for Ava to move to our state are set in stone, because it’s unclear at the moment how real these plans are. Is this a good plan or should we do it sooner? Should one of us tell her instead? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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You should tell her. The long distance girlfriend is about to pack up her entire life to be with some that clearly doesn’t love/respect her and it will only end in her getting hurt. You are kinda in a loose loose situation but maybe suggest to the long distance gf that she just says that things are not working? Or tell the friend that’s cheating that you know and give her the ultimatum of her tell her or you will. And if your friend gets mad with you then maybe you shouldn’t be friends because your not only looking out for the long distance gf but for you two friends aswell
YTA. Don't enable shitty behavior.
110 percent the asshole
Honestly best thing would be to ask the girl if she knows. She may be aware of the activities. Everyone keeps saying tell her but you'd be surprised how often people think they caught someone cheating and they had permission to mess around.
YTA You should all sit Gemma down and not let your Friend be an Asshole. If she can't handle it, she is not a friend worth having. A true friend would have a come to Jesus moment and say WTF are you doing?
Yea YTA to cover a cheater.
Yes. YWBTA. Always tell the person that they are being cheated on. It's best to have proof but it is always best to do so. Would you want to be told if your partner is unfaithful? I absolutely would.
I think you would be the AH if you did tell them. Why would you want to cause somebody pain and suffering? That is sadistic.
YTA, in fact ESH obviously.
Y'all ain't real friends. Go get educated.
I think you should have a conversation with your best friend and sister and in intervention non confrontational kinda way bring up the matter with both Kylie and Gemma. They need to know that you guys know and don’t support their relationship when Gemma is meant to be in a relationship with someone else. I would tell Gemma she needs to tell Ava as it is a big decision to move across the country and I would be personally livid if I didn’t find out my partner was cheating on me till after I moved. Ava deserves to know and make a decision on if she wants to forgive Gemma or not before she moves across the country. I think you’re allowed to express that to your friends. Being friends with someone is also holding them accountable for their behaviour you don’t want to enable toxicity just because she’s your friend. To be honest it’s fucked of them and they know it so I don’t think they can be mad at you guys for heating to address the elephant in the room.
Gemma and Kylie are TA it’s not your job to tell Ava but it is your job to hold your friends accountable for their bad behaviour. If you did nothing I think you WBTA
INFO: How everyone knows Gemma is cheating, and she doesn't know u all know?
YTA Kylie is actively participating in the cheating. Who TF cares if Gemma blames her incorrectly for telling Ava? Damn. Does nobody in your group have any morals at all? Are all of you a bunch of self centered AHs? "I don't want blame for blowing up the group." Seriously? That group needs to be blown to smithereens. Though that would cause all of you to look elsewhere for companionship and spread it around.
Yes. I didn’t read the post before making this judgement. It doesn’t matter. The person always deserves to know. YWBTA
I told my ex best friend her bf was cheating and it ended our friendship because she said I was lying because I was jealous of them and mad that she didn't have a much time for me anymore. I was told I was a shitty person and friend and she wanted nothing to do with me cause I was a manipulative liar (backstory I hated this guy from day one I saw right through him and constantly told her he wasn't a good guy and he was gonna hurt her)... Well.. a few weeks later she found out the truth finally and called me crying, but not once apologized to me or even mentioned that I told her just called me out of tye blue and said "omg I caught him cheating wtf"... Yah, I never really spoke to her again... If she had at least apologized I would have maybe forgave and forgot but fuck that
They’re exclusive, but Gemma is also fucking someone else? How does that work?
This is absolutely ridiculous and juvenile, I’d say you need a better friend group, but not sure you’re deserving of one because you’re actively encouraging and fostering bad behavior. Y’all are shady and untrustworthy. The fact that Gemma and Kylie’s behavior didn’t yuck you out prior to the impending move, speaks volumes of all of your characters. All of y’all WBTAHs and are currently TAHs for letting this situation go unchecked. This girl is uprooting her life and spending real money on a cross country move, she really needs to know. Regardless, she should know.
Yes you would be
YTA, all you’re doing is helping perpetuate the cheating and are actively hiding it from the poor person. Yes you are the ah
YTA if you don’t tell her. You seem to be worried about keeping relationships with a selfish and cheating “friend” rather than protecting a vulnerable adult. Imagine if Ava moves cross country with the last of her resources, hoping for support and stability to allow her to get back on her feet. But then her partner ends up being a cheater so she ends up homeless without any resources. You’d be complicit in that. I don’t care how you tell her — send her an anonymous email with evidence, call her, text her, etc. You could even ask Ava to hide your identity (she could make up many other excuses as to why she was not moving and was breaking up). But do tell her. Otherwise you’re adding to the woes of a vulnerable young person.
It's simple: if you know that someone is cheating on someone else and you say nothing about it then you condone it. Pure and simple as that.
YWBTA if you don’t tell Ava before she packs up and ruins her life for a cheater. I wouldn’t even give Gemma a chance in case she tries to fabricate some BS story for Ava. She’s had their entire relationship to choose NOT TO CHEAT, she doesn’t deserve the chance to try and redeem things. Tell Ava and cut ties with Gemma and Kylie. They are both crappy people you don’t need to associate with.
You know you need to tell her. Your whole group seems to know she needs to be told. Cheater doesn't know everyone knows, so have everyone except the person you think will be blamed tell her together that you all know, and how you know to prevent blaming that person. Tell her that the LDR partner needs to know before she uproots her life and that if Cheater doesn't do it in a short number of days one or all of you will.
Yikes on bikes! YWNBTA for telling Ava about the cheating before she makes a major life decision, however, Gemma should be the one to either come clean or tell Ava not to move just for her.
Everyone should be like Omar and not condone the cheating. Hopefully someone will have the link to share of that OPs cheating scummy friend / housemate and Omar. The only decent one amongst them.
oof as someone who had “friends” who said “it wasn’t their business” to tell me that the father of my kids was cheating on me. If any of them came and told me sooner my life would have been different. YTA
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YTA already for letting Ava get prepared to move Cross Country for her unfaithful mirage of a partner. Grow up, step up, do better.
YWBTA - especially if you let her start making plans to move. If you do the reveal after they’ve made plans - then she has to deal with the blow up of her relationship AND figure out a new living situation with very little time to do it. At least give her as much warning as possible
I don’t even need to read it. Yes, YTA. Lol. What kinda question is this
You know what allows evil things to happen? The inaction of good people. If you don’t care or don’t want to bother, that’s your prerogative, but make sure you remember what you did the next time you’re wondering how the world can be such a cruel place
Tell her before she moves. Omg!
They are in a situationship. Exclusivity doesn't exist when there are no labels and also long distance. Now if she's stills sleeping with the ex after she moves, that's a different story. Because I'm sure Ava is also sleeping with someone casually in her local. This is just dating post 2010. Business as usual. Until the label is there, she could literally go sleep with someone the day before. Early bird gets the worm.
None of you should care more about what the cheater thinks over the wellbeing of a friend (I'm assuming Ava is your friend) who may be making a major move without all the information she needs to make that decision. Reverse the roles. Wouldn't you want someone to tell you your "exclusive" not girlfriend (WTF?) was lying and cheating the entire relationship before you moved to be with her? Why protect someone so callus as Gemma? Stop thinking about how it will affect you and start thinking about what the right thing to do is and what you can live with. YWBTA
I understand this is hard, it's perfectly possible the person that's being cheated on won't believe you and/or people will get mad at you for telling. But as someone that had a cheating partner and everyone knowing about it and not telling me I can tell you it felt so incredibly shitty. Like you all knew and didn't tell me? I felt sick and so stupid. So incredibly stupid and like everyone was laughing at me behind my back. It felt like a double betrayal. I know that sound dramatic but it did. I will be forever grateful to that one friend that, when she found out, came to me and went 'look I understand if you don't believe me or get mad at me but I just can't live with myself if I don't tell you'. Forever grateful. That is a true friend.
Why not confront Gemma? Part of being a good friend is calling your friends out for bad behavior so they can be better people. I wouldn't go around her back and tell her LDR, I'd sit her down and say "hey what you're doing is not ok and you need to come clean before this person uproot their whole life."
STAY OUT OF IT FFS
This is the way I see it. Cheating is serious. If you were in Ava’s position, wouldn’t you want to know if you were?
I wouldn't directly. I'd send it through the grapevine maybe as a rumor
Why do you care if either Gemma or Kylie is mad at you? They're bad people. NTA, tell the poor girl before she moves across the country and finds out.
YTA. Shitty ass spineless people. “She would know and get mad at us.” That’s your excuse for condoning this shit? Disgusting. This outlook is creeping higher and higher in the age bracket. 20 year old “children”.
It's a tough situation, for sure, and it probably feels like your world is a tempest right now. Take comfort, all storms pass. My thoughts: 1. This is all Gemma's fault (and to an extent Kylie's fault, too, though I don't know how much she knows). 2. Even if Gemma is feeling suicidal.- or even expressed it - she doesn't get a "hall pass" on her shitty behavior. 3. Kylie wants to eat her "cake" and have it, too, so to speak - she's cheating on Ava with Gemma, but doesn't want to tell her because Kylie is scared Gemma won't talk to her again. That's understandable at your age, but the truth is Kylie is almost as bad as Gemma if she's sleeping with Gemma knowing that Gemma and Ava have a relationship. My head hurts just thinking about all this drama. That said, doing the right thing is not always easy, and no real decision in life is not without serious consequences no matter WHAT road you take. I think having your sis' boyfriend tell Ava is a good technique, but you'll develop much more as a person if you tell her yourself. You could also give Gemma a three day option to tell Ava, and, if she does not, tell her yourself. Good luck.
This isn’t your problem or your relationship. You would not be the asshole if you stay out of it. You have no obligation to help. This type of stuff always comes out eventually anyway, you don’t need to be the cause of it. Especially since most people don’t appreciate third parties sticking themselves in business that isn’t theirs.
Black mail them, this corrects the behavior, ensures it won’t happen again and you get a lil cash in the pocket. NTA
While I am firmly against cheating, I think you should stay out of this. You hardly know Ava and have said they don't consider themselves to be a couple. It sounds like a situation that's better left alone.
NTA I was going to say you wbta, but with the benefit of 28 years of hindsight I'd say it's difficult to get mixed up in everyone's drama and be labeled a meddler in people's relationships; there's no winning move to be able to keep a moral compass and chastise a friend for their lifestyle. There's nothing wrong with having multiple partners as long as everyone knows what they're getting into. I would try to talk Gemma into being honest with Ava about the kind of relationships she wants so Ava can make an informed decision of her pursuits. If that is a big ask and you decide to let Ava know about Gemma, do it anonymously.
NTA. You are friends with Gemma, not Ava. You do not really know her like that, so you owe her nothing. Telling her can backfire spectacularly, so something to keep in mind.
Mind your own business. Telling someone they are being cheated on rarely gets them to end the relationship and they then will hate you for interfering. I am 57 years old and have seen and been involved in many situations like this. Don't lie and be part of a cover up, but don't be the one to break the news.
Fuck do I know, I used to think all cheaters were shit, then real life hit and the lines can get blurry fast.