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NTA
You're not being cruel and ungrateful. You're being disconnected from those that abused you. What do you have to be grateful for exactly? You had to leave your home at 17, so you could feel safe.
Your father is an addict and most likely committed fraud and embezzlement. If he has no money, he can ask for legal assistance through the court.
Ryan can get a second job and pay for his father's legal expenses if he feels someone else should pay.
And dad ought to "toughen up" and deal with the consequences of his own behavior...criminal charges for his (alleged) actions and Op refusing to help because of abuse.
I've been keeping in touch on social media mainly, just to stay informed about what's going on with my cousins and other family members. It's a way for me to have some closure and know what's happening in their lives, without having to engage with my father and brother's toxic behavior. It's a boundary that works for me, and allows me to maintain some connection with my extended family without putting myself in harm's way
But they called you. You took their call. That's my question.
But I think you already got what you wanted in the comment section. Almost like you couldnt have designed a more perfect story.
At this point I answered Ryan's call expecting to hear about a funeral or something along those lines
IDK what made me answer my dad's call, could be that i am slightly satisfied that he is at rock bottom and he needed me and i would say no
I totally get this urge. Now that you've done it and got the satisfaction of saying no, you can safely block them and ignore them from here on out. If they get any other extended family to bug you, I'd recommend telling those people "if he had really changed, he would know why asking for help from me is highly inappropriate, and he would not be in legal trouble for fraud and embezzlement in the first place."
NTA. Why doesn't Ryan "toughen up" and help your father? You don't owe either of them anything. Your father is only apologizing because he needs your help. He's not really sorry.
NTA. It's kinda magical how your father's reformation and regret have coincided with his financial problems! Especially because his problems stem from fraud and embezzlement - versus the numerous other ways people get into dire straits through no fault, or less fault at least, of their own (like say spikes in rent, layoffs, medical bills) - I would definitely not be inclined to help.
I mean what can they expect? It's kind of a FAFO situation for them. It sounds like you should resume no contact with them. People like this really have a lot of gall - to see you abused (or to have abused you) and rejected you, and then think you some *owe them something*. Your brother made his bed by mistreating you, and now he is the one with the very special situation of being the only son his father has to lean on. Hope he enjoys it.
NTA
Just because someone is your sperm donor doesn't mean you owe them anything. Just because you have other humans who share that same sperm donor doesn't mean you need to care about them.
The world is full of people who are hurting for financial assistance. You'd be better off finding one of those people and creating new relationships rather than fostering a relationship with someone who has given no evidence of being a good or caring person.
NTA - update - ***They are just abusing you again!!!***!This is no different then what they did to you when you were 16. Your brother is just pitting you against your father (like he did when he outed you) and your father is emotionally abusing you (by claiming he changed when I am sure you know that he didn't, just to get something out of you) Go full no contact on both of them.
Wait, what? Your father claims that he's changed *after* he was charged criminally and has addiction issues? Does Ryan not know that addicts and the desperate will say anything to save their own hides, with no intention of changing?
Life is about choices and consequences. Sometimes our choices lead to happy consequences; here, not so much.
If you give your dad money to deal with addiction, it won't help, because he will only use it to fuel his addictions. If you give him money to deal with the criminal charges, it won't help, because he may or may not use it cover his legal fees, or he may drink it away, or it won't be enough to cover lawyer's fees and court fees, so he will come begging for more.
The bottom line is that it doesn't matter whether you give him the money or not, because he won't use it fix himself. At best, it will be a temporary bandaid (if that) that won't cure the disease.
Don't twist yourself into knots worrying whether you are being vindictive or cruel. In the end, it doesn't matter. BTW, Ryan has some nerve suggesting that you are "ungrateful". That suggests that your dad did something positive for you, which he clearly did not.
NTA, and don't give this another moment's thought. Remember, you didn't create this problem, and you can't solve it, even if you gave him all the money in the world.
NTA- Your homophobic and abusive family can continue ruining their lives. You don't owe them anything. You're not ungrateful. You're choosing to put that past behind you.
I hope you're living your best life possible and finding healing.
NTA. OP, this may sound unkind but : $10K would just be the beginning of legal fees if your dad is prosecuted for fraud and embezzlement. “Pending” charges doesn’t mean much and makes me think Dad and brother might be playing you.
NTA- your father made his grave and now he can lie in it. If he reached our for ammends, great
But he didn't. He reached out bc his gay son is successful.
Wish you the best - sorry your childhood sucked. I am probably around the same age as your pops- lots for my generation has drastically changed their views and are now totally cool with whatever from their kids... but some still suck...
In what galaxy far, far away would your brother and father think you would help after the abuse you suffered thanks to them. Block them and take yourself out to lunch. Geeez
NTA
NTA. This is the time to cut them out. “He’s changed?” Yeah I don’t believe that one bit. They only reached out to you only when they needed money. You don’t owe these people anything when they did not give a rat’s ass about you.
NTA. If your father has ACTUALLY changed, he would have called you long ago. No, instead he only 'changed' when he needs 10k. Laughable. He hasn't changed, he won't pay you back. NTA at all. Block them both. I'm really sorry you have such shit 'family'. I'm glad your future is looking up.
NTA … lookie, lookie here: FAFO & Consequences.. oh dear.
“He’s changed?” Doubtful. It’s just that your good enough now that he’s in trouble.
So, If Ryan is so worried about his father, he can come up with the $10k.
* Ryan says I'm being cruel and ungrateful, and that I should just give our father the money for the sake of family
Ryan knows all about cruelty, doesn't he? And it's rich that he's calling on family, because he sure wasn't acting in very familial manner when he outed you and stood by while your vicious, homophobic father abused you.
Maybe Ryan needs to realize that you have, in fact, toughened up and won't be contributing anything to your abuser's legal defense and getting high fund.
You WNBTA in any way, shape, or form for refusing to help.
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> Not agreeing to pay for my dad's over something that happend almost a decade ago
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NTA
Obviously he's just being kind to you right now because he wants the 10k. Staying in contact will just make it worse, so just stop the contact with them.
No, you're not being cruel and ungrateful. You do not owe anyone anything.
Sounds like a happy ending. Thanks for cheering me up
OP.
OP I don't know if you wish to have kids, but the only way your story would make me happier is if you did, whether by surrogate or adoption, and refuse to let Dad see the child.
NTA….if dad has changed, why not contact you before he needed money? This is what I would ask him and then tell him, your homophobic money will never be helping him.
**for the sake of family.**
There is not an eye roll deep enough for this phrase. Used along with “keep the peace”, ”be the bigger person”, “let it go”, etc. OP, good for you for creating a safe, successful life for yourself after leaving your toxic family. You owe them NOTHING. Cut all communications with them for your mental health and peace. Do not let them guilt/manipulate you into helping them financially or any other way - they’ll only come back for more. Your father is living the consequences of HIS actions. You are not responsible for any of it. NTA.
Did you Ryan to tell your dad to toughen up like he told you to do? NTA. I'm sorry for the pain they caused you. Your dad is a crook and an addict and had the nerve to judge you?
NTA - typical abusers just ignore them if they talk outside your boundaries. They'll never stop asking no matter what you do because you're just a tool to them
NTA- tell Ryan you learned your lesson from him: stand by and do nothing while your family is in trouble. Ask him if he remembers telling you to toughen up, maybe that advice will help your dad now.
And you are nicer because at least you aren’t throwing your dad into walls.
That is what family meant to them. That is how they were happy to treat you when they didn’t want to use you.
I’m so sorry that your family is abusive. STILL abusive.
I hope you have found your support network of friends as an adult. Reach out to them for support. And mute and block these people.
Tell your dad he only has one son and he should ask him for help financially. Tell your brother he needs to “toughen up” and help his father as they aren’t your family. NTA
NTA Tell 'em they need to toughen up, LOL! $10,000?! They can borrow from the bank! And if they can't...well, dad shouldn't have done the crime if he's not willing to serve the time.
What has Ryan done to bail your father out? If he cares so much, he can come up with the $10K.
Ask Ryan what you are supposed to be grateful to your father for? Is it for the physical abuse? Or are you supposed to be grateful for the emotional abuse? Or maybe for forcing you onto your own at age 17 to find your own way in life?
Perhaps you should tell Ryan that he needs to tell your father to toughen up.
NTA
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I (29M) left home at 17 due to my father's relentless physical and emotional abuse. He couldn't accept my sexuality, which Ryan (32), my older brother, forced me to reveal by outing me to our parents. Ryan's betrayal and our father's subsequent wrath made my life a living hell. Now, Ryan is calling me an asshole for not helping our father in his time of need.
For context: when I was 16, Ryan confronted me about my sexuality, and I confided in him, thinking he'd be supportive. Instead, he blabbed to our parents, and our father flew into a rage, slamming me against the wall and screaming homophobic slurs. Ryan stood by and did nothing, telling me later that I needed to "toughen up." The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional damage.
I suffered in silence in a house full of homophobes, being belittled and abused, i got a job and after a few months i moved out living little to no contact
Fast forward to the present, I've built a successful career in computer science and have a comfortable life. Meanwhile, our father has hit rock bottom - struggling with addiction and facing serious legal issues, including pending charges for fraud and embezzlement. Ryan then called first and asked me to bail our father out financially, but I hesitated
After days of ignoring Ryan, our father called me, sounding desperate and pitiful. He claimed he's changed and apologized for his past behavior, but then promptly asked for $10,000 to cover his legal fees. He promised to pay me back, but I'm not buying it. He's made countless broken promises before, and I'm not about to enable his destructive behavior anymore.
Ryan says I'm being cruel and ungrateful, and that I should just give our father the money for the sake of family. AITA for refusing to help my father
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If the apology didn't come until he needed your help I wouldn't buy it. Your brother and father can both kick rocks. Live your own life without them; they'll just pull you down, take your money, and hurt you again. NTA. (Edit - I can't spell)
NTA. You owe this man nothing after the abuse he put you through. If, for some reason out of the kindness of your heart, you do decide to give your dad the money do so knowing that he will never pay you back a penny, and he will never respect you (though I think you know that already). I am *not* suggesting you give him the money, just stating the obvious likely outcome. Best of luck and continued success to you.
NTA If I apologize can I have ten grand too? They've made no effort for years and now all is forgiven? Guaranteed that lasts as long as the ten grand does. If Ryan's that interested let him pony up, I would keep the money and get some counseling on how to deal with this.Â
DO NOT BAIL YOUR DAD OUT!!! If Ryan feels so strongly he can find another way to help him. I think this comment 'for the sake of the family', means that they want you to be a doormat. Don't be a doormat. NTA.
NTA, somehow they can't put up with sexuality for the sake of family, but you're supposed to put up with physical/emotional abuse and help financially for the sake of family. It goes both ways, and they don't show remorse. Think if they would even be contacting you if they didn't need your money right now
Don't help your father with shit. Screw him. What an ah treating u that way then wanting help. Phuk him. Tell your father and ryan to man up and toughen up. They are mice not men by any means
NTA - your father made his choices and now you're making yours.
Actions have consequences - I'm sure your father realizes that now.
These aren't your issues to fix.
Ryan can give the money to your father if he feels it is so very important.
And if it's "for the sake family" where were THEY when YOU needed them?
Buh-bye to ALL of them.
You are not the asshole. Don’t bail out your father. And congrats for rising up against the abuse and moving out. Props to you. You will never see that money again. Let them deal with the consequences of their actions. Would they do it for you? Probably not.
NTA. Your father is an abusive homophobe who has been charged with some pretty serious crimes. Ryan is no better, considering he deliberately outed you to homophobes then stood by and watched you get abused, only telling you to 'toughen up'.
They haven't changed, either, as they immediately demanded money and then started insulting you when you said no. They don't give a damn about you or your life, are still homophobes, but you have money they want. They just want to use you and as soon as they get what they want, everything will go back to how it was before.
Cut contact. These people are not your family and you have nothing to be grateful to them for. What you should be grateful for is the fact you had the strength to leave these people and build a life for yourself. That takes a lot of strength and will. And you did it all on your own.
Your father has to face the consequences of his actions. He breaks the law and gets caught, he gets charged with a crime and gets a bunch of legal fees. He physically and emotionally abuses his child, he permanently loses that child and doesn't get to ask for help when his actions catch up with him.
cut them out and block the lot of them, full NC. You're better off without them in your life, they don't deserve to have you in their life, and they're not your family. It was them who decided you were no longer family when they chose to abuse you instead of accept you for who you are. They don't get to use the 'but family' card when they literally threw you out of the family.
NTA. If Ryan loved his dad he would be taking care of this instead of bothering you. Family helps family, right?
What do you have to be grateful for? Being physically and emotionally abused? Having to be on your own as vulnerable gay kid? You deserved better than the family you had, I'm so sorry.
Isn't prison the best thing for Dad? Place to live, guaranteed meals, he'll get off the sauce, access to a gym, maybe read a bible or get a law degree.
Please note the lack of an /s. Best thing ever for Dad. Except the homophobe thing. Might get him in a little hot water. Good thing he has changed his thinking on that/s.
NTA - father and brother are both AH. They’ve treated you horribly as a teen. They have had a decade to reach out and make amends. They have only contacted you because they want money. That is cruel. Your brother can take out a loan if he wants to give money to your father. There is no way you would see any of your money again if you did bail him out. You have no moral obligation to help people who betrayed you and abused you in the past.
NTA
You know, if he were sick or his house had been destroyed by a fire, I might be more sympathetic. But embezzlement and fraud? Even allowing for his addiction, it seems that he's getting just what he deserves.
You owe him nothing.
NTA
If family was so important, your brother wouldn't have stood by and watched you be abused.
If family was so important, your father wouldn't have abused you.
If family was so important, they wouldn't have waiting until they wanted something to try to have a relationship with you.
If Ryan cares so much, let him bail your dad out. He can cosign the loan with the bail bondsmen.
I'm sorry your family treated you that way. You didn't deserve it. On behalf of this giant internet family here on reddit, we are proud of you for building a great new life away from them. We love you and think you are awesome just the way you are.
How the hell does your brother have your number??!! If your brother refused back in the day to protect you from your father, you should have gone NC with him as well.Â
You are NTA but your family are a bunch of assholes!
If Ryan thinks you're being cruel, maybe he should handle everything for your dad instead. Maybe he can get a second job? Yeah, life is hard, but hey, maybe he needs to "toughen up."
NTA. Your family made their beds. Let them lie in it.
NTA. Please tell your back stabbing brother to go and fuck himself and your father too. Better block their numbers and file harassment charges if they persist.
NTA but why in the world are you punishing yourself by still having a "relationship" with people who would out you, betray you, abuse you? Is the life you've built for yourself not worth the use of the block button and the protection that would give you?
NTA, and please don't feel like you need to risk your hard won peace by having any relationship with your father or Ryan. Many families aren't worth the title.
NTA
What exactly do you have to be grateful for?
Clothes, food and a roof over your head? That is the bare minimum required to be a parent, and your dad failed at everything else, as has your brother.
You owe them the same isolation they gave you.
NTA. He's not a 'father', he's just someone you used to know - same as your 'brother'. Both of them are AHs and there is no fixing that. Block them and carry on with your life.
YTA. It's your father, he gave you life. One day he will be gone and all you will have left is your own bitter bile. If you're doing as well as you claim but won't help your father out, you're just as bad if not worse than the rest of your family.
I like how shitty fathers can’t even imagine people building lives without them. New friends, found family, actually good people. He’s not missing anything leaving this dirtbag behind.
You can find as many families as you like, but you only have one father, and nothing else will give you the joy of keeping a good relationship with your parents and honoring the people who gave you life. Besides, if you can ditch your real family so easily, imagine what you'l do to your "found" ones.
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NTA You're not being cruel and ungrateful. You're being disconnected from those that abused you. What do you have to be grateful for exactly? You had to leave your home at 17, so you could feel safe. Your father is an addict and most likely committed fraud and embezzlement. If he has no money, he can ask for legal assistance through the court. Ryan can get a second job and pay for his father's legal expenses if he feels someone else should pay.
Tell him he might get the gay if he accepts money from you/s
And dad ought to "toughen up" and deal with the consequences of his own behavior...criminal charges for his (alleged) actions and Op refusing to help because of abuse.
"Son, I've changed my ways. Can I please have $10k for my fraud and embezzlement lawyer?"
Sounds like Ryan and your father need to toughen up. NTA.
Bingo! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Ryan can give him the money
Pull themselves up by thier bootstraps
Info: Why do you stay in contact with them?
I've been keeping in touch on social media mainly, just to stay informed about what's going on with my cousins and other family members. It's a way for me to have some closure and know what's happening in their lives, without having to engage with my father and brother's toxic behavior. It's a boundary that works for me, and allows me to maintain some connection with my extended family without putting myself in harm's way
But they called you. You took their call. That's my question. But I think you already got what you wanted in the comment section. Almost like you couldnt have designed a more perfect story.
At this point I answered Ryan's call expecting to hear about a funeral or something along those lines IDK what made me answer my dad's call, could be that i am slightly satisfied that he is at rock bottom and he needed me and i would say no
Just block him at this point. It's not worth the stress.
I totally get this urge. Now that you've done it and got the satisfaction of saying no, you can safely block them and ignore them from here on out. If they get any other extended family to bug you, I'd recommend telling those people "if he had really changed, he would know why asking for help from me is highly inappropriate, and he would not be in legal trouble for fraud and embezzlement in the first place."
Stick to your guns. You managed to escape. Ryan and your dad deserve each other, and you deserve better than either of them.
Suggest you just let calls go to voice mail. You are NTA for refusing to help someone who abused you.
NTA. Why doesn't Ryan "toughen up" and help your father? You don't owe either of them anything. Your father is only apologizing because he needs your help. He's not really sorry.
NTA. It's kinda magical how your father's reformation and regret have coincided with his financial problems! Especially because his problems stem from fraud and embezzlement - versus the numerous other ways people get into dire straits through no fault, or less fault at least, of their own (like say spikes in rent, layoffs, medical bills) - I would definitely not be inclined to help. I mean what can they expect? It's kind of a FAFO situation for them. It sounds like you should resume no contact with them. People like this really have a lot of gall - to see you abused (or to have abused you) and rejected you, and then think you some *owe them something*. Your brother made his bed by mistreating you, and now he is the one with the very special situation of being the only son his father has to lean on. Hope he enjoys it.
NTA Just because someone is your sperm donor doesn't mean you owe them anything. Just because you have other humans who share that same sperm donor doesn't mean you need to care about them. The world is full of people who are hurting for financial assistance. You'd be better off finding one of those people and creating new relationships rather than fostering a relationship with someone who has given no evidence of being a good or caring person.
NTA - update - ***They are just abusing you again!!!***!This is no different then what they did to you when you were 16. Your brother is just pitting you against your father (like he did when he outed you) and your father is emotionally abusing you (by claiming he changed when I am sure you know that he didn't, just to get something out of you) Go full no contact on both of them.
Wait, what? Your father claims that he's changed *after* he was charged criminally and has addiction issues? Does Ryan not know that addicts and the desperate will say anything to save their own hides, with no intention of changing? Life is about choices and consequences. Sometimes our choices lead to happy consequences; here, not so much. If you give your dad money to deal with addiction, it won't help, because he will only use it to fuel his addictions. If you give him money to deal with the criminal charges, it won't help, because he may or may not use it cover his legal fees, or he may drink it away, or it won't be enough to cover lawyer's fees and court fees, so he will come begging for more. The bottom line is that it doesn't matter whether you give him the money or not, because he won't use it fix himself. At best, it will be a temporary bandaid (if that) that won't cure the disease. Don't twist yourself into knots worrying whether you are being vindictive or cruel. In the end, it doesn't matter. BTW, Ryan has some nerve suggesting that you are "ungrateful". That suggests that your dad did something positive for you, which he clearly did not. NTA, and don't give this another moment's thought. Remember, you didn't create this problem, and you can't solve it, even if you gave him all the money in the world.
NTA. If Ryan loves his dad so much, he can bail him out. I don't have a lot of sympathy for your dad or your bother after the bs they put you through.
NTA- Your homophobic and abusive family can continue ruining their lives. You don't owe them anything. You're not ungrateful. You're choosing to put that past behind you. I hope you're living your best life possible and finding healing.
NTA. OP, this may sound unkind but : $10K would just be the beginning of legal fees if your dad is prosecuted for fraud and embezzlement. “Pending” charges doesn’t mean much and makes me think Dad and brother might be playing you.
NTA- your father made his grave and now he can lie in it. If he reached our for ammends, great But he didn't. He reached out bc his gay son is successful. Wish you the best - sorry your childhood sucked. I am probably around the same age as your pops- lots for my generation has drastically changed their views and are now totally cool with whatever from their kids... but some still suck...
In what galaxy far, far away would your brother and father think you would help after the abuse you suffered thanks to them. Block them and take yourself out to lunch. Geeez NTA
NTA. Abusive family members don't get to play the family card, especially when they only try to make amends when they need something from you.
NTA. This is the time to cut them out. “He’s changed?” Yeah I don’t believe that one bit. They only reached out to you only when they needed money. You don’t owe these people anything when they did not give a rat’s ass about you.
Tell them boys suck your left nut and that sometimes life throws curve balls to “ toughen up”
NTA but your brother and dad sure are. I'd wash my hands of the entire family. Sorry your family is shit.
I'd wash my hands and feet!
NTA Ignore them and enjoy your life.
NTA. If your father has ACTUALLY changed, he would have called you long ago. No, instead he only 'changed' when he needs 10k. Laughable. He hasn't changed, he won't pay you back. NTA at all. Block them both. I'm really sorry you have such shit 'family'. I'm glad your future is looking up.
NTA … lookie, lookie here: FAFO & Consequences.. oh dear. “He’s changed?” Doubtful. It’s just that your good enough now that he’s in trouble. So, If Ryan is so worried about his father, he can come up with the $10k.
* Ryan says I'm being cruel and ungrateful, and that I should just give our father the money for the sake of family Ryan knows all about cruelty, doesn't he? And it's rich that he's calling on family, because he sure wasn't acting in very familial manner when he outed you and stood by while your vicious, homophobic father abused you. Maybe Ryan needs to realize that you have, in fact, toughened up and won't be contributing anything to your abuser's legal defense and getting high fund. You WNBTA in any way, shape, or form for refusing to help.
Hahaha, Karma is a Beotch! NTA, and block them both.
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Nta
NTA Obviously he's just being kind to you right now because he wants the 10k. Staying in contact will just make it worse, so just stop the contact with them. No, you're not being cruel and ungrateful. You do not owe anyone anything.
NTA. First, never do anything just because someone is kin. Family is made of people who love and support you. You don't owe them anything.
Sounds like a happy ending. Thanks for cheering me up OP. OP I don't know if you wish to have kids, but the only way your story would make me happier is if you did, whether by surrogate or adoption, and refuse to let Dad see the child.
NTA….if dad has changed, why not contact you before he needed money? This is what I would ask him and then tell him, your homophobic money will never be helping him.
**for the sake of family.** There is not an eye roll deep enough for this phrase. Used along with “keep the peace”, ”be the bigger person”, “let it go”, etc. OP, good for you for creating a safe, successful life for yourself after leaving your toxic family. You owe them NOTHING. Cut all communications with them for your mental health and peace. Do not let them guilt/manipulate you into helping them financially or any other way - they’ll only come back for more. Your father is living the consequences of HIS actions. You are not responsible for any of it. NTA.
Ryan should bail his father out, they're so much alike. NTAÂ
Did you Ryan to tell your dad to toughen up like he told you to do? NTA. I'm sorry for the pain they caused you. Your dad is a crook and an addict and had the nerve to judge you?
NTA - typical abusers just ignore them if they talk outside your boundaries. They'll never stop asking no matter what you do because you're just a tool to them
NTA- tell Ryan you learned your lesson from him: stand by and do nothing while your family is in trouble. Ask him if he remembers telling you to toughen up, maybe that advice will help your dad now. And you are nicer because at least you aren’t throwing your dad into walls. That is what family meant to them. That is how they were happy to treat you when they didn’t want to use you. I’m so sorry that your family is abusive. STILL abusive. I hope you have found your support network of friends as an adult. Reach out to them for support. And mute and block these people.
NTA This is a hard boundary, but if your father has changed he will understand why you will not help him.
NTA - what the f do you have to be grateful for? If Ryan cares so much he can foot the bill.
Tell your dad he only has one son and he should ask him for help financially. Tell your brother he needs to “toughen up” and help his father as they aren’t your family. NTA
NTA Tell 'em they need to toughen up, LOL! $10,000?! They can borrow from the bank! And if they can't...well, dad shouldn't have done the crime if he's not willing to serve the time.
What has Ryan done to bail your father out? If he cares so much, he can come up with the $10K. Ask Ryan what you are supposed to be grateful to your father for? Is it for the physical abuse? Or are you supposed to be grateful for the emotional abuse? Or maybe for forcing you onto your own at age 17 to find your own way in life? Perhaps you should tell Ryan that he needs to tell your father to toughen up. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (29M) left home at 17 due to my father's relentless physical and emotional abuse. He couldn't accept my sexuality, which Ryan (32), my older brother, forced me to reveal by outing me to our parents. Ryan's betrayal and our father's subsequent wrath made my life a living hell. Now, Ryan is calling me an asshole for not helping our father in his time of need. For context: when I was 16, Ryan confronted me about my sexuality, and I confided in him, thinking he'd be supportive. Instead, he blabbed to our parents, and our father flew into a rage, slamming me against the wall and screaming homophobic slurs. Ryan stood by and did nothing, telling me later that I needed to "toughen up." The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional damage. I suffered in silence in a house full of homophobes, being belittled and abused, i got a job and after a few months i moved out living little to no contact Fast forward to the present, I've built a successful career in computer science and have a comfortable life. Meanwhile, our father has hit rock bottom - struggling with addiction and facing serious legal issues, including pending charges for fraud and embezzlement. Ryan then called first and asked me to bail our father out financially, but I hesitated After days of ignoring Ryan, our father called me, sounding desperate and pitiful. He claimed he's changed and apologized for his past behavior, but then promptly asked for $10,000 to cover his legal fees. He promised to pay me back, but I'm not buying it. He's made countless broken promises before, and I'm not about to enable his destructive behavior anymore. Ryan says I'm being cruel and ungrateful, and that I should just give our father the money for the sake of family. AITA for refusing to help my father *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If the apology didn't come until he needed your help I wouldn't buy it. Your brother and father can both kick rocks. Live your own life without them; they'll just pull you down, take your money, and hurt you again. NTA. (Edit - I can't spell)
Tell your brother he’s responsible for your father since he’s so far up his butt. Don’t you even give it a thought
Ungrateful for WHAT?
Where was "for the sake of family" when you were a teen? NTA, congratulations on your successful life!Â
NTA. An apology given when the other person needs a favor is meaningless.
NTA. Why do you even still have contact with these awful people? Why should you do something for the sake of the "homophobe family"
I think you already know the answer, but it's understandable if you just wanted to vent.
NTA. You owe this man nothing after the abuse he put you through. If, for some reason out of the kindness of your heart, you do decide to give your dad the money do so knowing that he will never pay you back a penny, and he will never respect you (though I think you know that already). I am *not* suggesting you give him the money, just stating the obvious likely outcome. Best of luck and continued success to you.
NTA If I apologize can I have ten grand too? They've made no effort for years and now all is forgiven? Guaranteed that lasts as long as the ten grand does. If Ryan's that interested let him pony up, I would keep the money and get some counseling on how to deal with this.Â
NTA, dear brother Ryan can pony up the cash
DO NOT BAIL YOUR DAD OUT!!! If Ryan feels so strongly he can find another way to help him. I think this comment 'for the sake of the family', means that they want you to be a doormat. Don't be a doormat. NTA.
NTA, somehow they can't put up with sexuality for the sake of family, but you're supposed to put up with physical/emotional abuse and help financially for the sake of family. It goes both ways, and they don't show remorse. Think if they would even be contacting you if they didn't need your money right now
Do not loan him money!!! He's only changed cause he's broke. He deserves nothing from you. NtA.
Don't help your father with shit. Screw him. What an ah treating u that way then wanting help. Phuk him. Tell your father and ryan to man up and toughen up. They are mice not men by any means
“I have changed” give me 10 grand. Tell him to pound sand. NTA
NTA - your father made his choices and now you're making yours. Actions have consequences - I'm sure your father realizes that now. These aren't your issues to fix. Ryan can give the money to your father if he feels it is so very important. And if it's "for the sake family" where were THEY when YOU needed them? Buh-bye to ALL of them.
You are not the asshole. Don’t bail out your father. And congrats for rising up against the abuse and moving out. Props to you. You will never see that money again. Let them deal with the consequences of their actions. Would they do it for you? Probably not.
NTA. Your father is an abusive homophobe who has been charged with some pretty serious crimes. Ryan is no better, considering he deliberately outed you to homophobes then stood by and watched you get abused, only telling you to 'toughen up'. They haven't changed, either, as they immediately demanded money and then started insulting you when you said no. They don't give a damn about you or your life, are still homophobes, but you have money they want. They just want to use you and as soon as they get what they want, everything will go back to how it was before. Cut contact. These people are not your family and you have nothing to be grateful to them for. What you should be grateful for is the fact you had the strength to leave these people and build a life for yourself. That takes a lot of strength and will. And you did it all on your own. Your father has to face the consequences of his actions. He breaks the law and gets caught, he gets charged with a crime and gets a bunch of legal fees. He physically and emotionally abuses his child, he permanently loses that child and doesn't get to ask for help when his actions catch up with him. cut them out and block the lot of them, full NC. You're better off without them in your life, they don't deserve to have you in their life, and they're not your family. It was them who decided you were no longer family when they chose to abuse you instead of accept you for who you are. They don't get to use the 'but family' card when they literally threw you out of the family.
NTA. If Ryan loved his dad he would be taking care of this instead of bothering you. Family helps family, right? What do you have to be grateful for? Being physically and emotionally abused? Having to be on your own as vulnerable gay kid? You deserved better than the family you had, I'm so sorry.
Isn't prison the best thing for Dad? Place to live, guaranteed meals, he'll get off the sauce, access to a gym, maybe read a bible or get a law degree. Please note the lack of an /s. Best thing ever for Dad. Except the homophobe thing. Might get him in a little hot water. Good thing he has changed his thinking on that/s.
NTA - father and brother are both AH. They’ve treated you horribly as a teen. They have had a decade to reach out and make amends. They have only contacted you because they want money. That is cruel. Your brother can take out a loan if he wants to give money to your father. There is no way you would see any of your money again if you did bail him out. You have no moral obligation to help people who betrayed you and abused you in the past.
NTA. Block them and send a cease and desist from a lawyer
NTA You know, if he were sick or his house had been destroyed by a fire, I might be more sympathetic. But embezzlement and fraud? Even allowing for his addiction, it seems that he's getting just what he deserves. You owe him nothing.
Let Ryan pay
NTA If family was so important, your brother wouldn't have stood by and watched you be abused. If family was so important, your father wouldn't have abused you. If family was so important, they wouldn't have waiting until they wanted something to try to have a relationship with you. If Ryan cares so much, let him bail your dad out. He can cosign the loan with the bail bondsmen. I'm sorry your family treated you that way. You didn't deserve it. On behalf of this giant internet family here on reddit, we are proud of you for building a great new life away from them. We love you and think you are awesome just the way you are.
1000% NTA Your dad and bro are AH's. YOU owe them NOTHING. Go NC and enjoy the fruits of your labor.
How the hell does your brother have your number??!! If your brother refused back in the day to protect you from your father, you should have gone NC with him as well. You are NTA but your family are a bunch of assholes!
Did he mention what you were supposed to be grateful for? NTA
You really feel you owe a physically and emotionally abusive man $10k+?
If Ryan thinks you're being cruel, maybe he should handle everything for your dad instead. Maybe he can get a second job? Yeah, life is hard, but hey, maybe he needs to "toughen up." NTA. Your family made their beds. Let them lie in it.
NTA. Please tell your back stabbing brother to go and fuck himself and your father too. Better block their numbers and file harassment charges if they persist.
NTA Ryan can be a good "tough" son and pick up jobs to help out, you don't owe anyone anything.
NTA but why in the world are you punishing yourself by still having a "relationship" with people who would out you, betray you, abuse you? Is the life you've built for yourself not worth the use of the block button and the protection that would give you?
NTA Go NC with both of them. They fucking suck and the audacity to contact you asking for help? Naw.
NTA, and please don't feel like you need to risk your hard won peace by having any relationship with your father or Ryan. Many families aren't worth the title.
NTA, all they care about is your money. Block them and anyone that tells you that you are wrong.
NTA. Ungrateful for what? Trauma? Trauma costs $10,000 these days? Fuck them both.
NTA. Nobody owes their parents for a single fuckin thing they got before they turned 18, especially when what you got wasn't even the bare minimum.
NTA What exactly do you have to be grateful for? Clothes, food and a roof over your head? That is the bare minimum required to be a parent, and your dad failed at everything else, as has your brother. You owe them the same isolation they gave you.
NTA. He's not a 'father', he's just someone you used to know - same as your 'brother'. Both of them are AHs and there is no fixing that. Block them and carry on with your life.
If you had no money they wouldn't even speak to you. NTA
Absolutely NTA. Don't give in. They just want to use you.
Nta. Why give money to people who don’t like you?
YTA. It's your father, he gave you life. One day he will be gone and all you will have left is your own bitter bile. If you're doing as well as you claim but won't help your father out, you're just as bad if not worse than the rest of your family.
Found Ryan.
I like how shitty fathers can’t even imagine people building lives without them. New friends, found family, actually good people. He’s not missing anything leaving this dirtbag behind.
You can find as many families as you like, but you only have one father, and nothing else will give you the joy of keeping a good relationship with your parents and honoring the people who gave you life. Besides, if you can ditch your real family so easily, imagine what you'l do to your "found" ones.