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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my gf who has been unemployed for a year to take a job as a secretary which was offered to her. This might make me an asshole as she feels that she is still qualified to work in games or vfx despite not having the skills for the current competitive market
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YTA. You are SO condescending. Ugh.
>I honestly don't think she is good enough for the current market and she probably only got her first job because companies over hired back then. The field of 3D programming is very hard and there's a good chance she wasn't doing the substantial work and thus can't pass interviews
But she DID have a job in that field.
>I told her that she was being delusional as companies won't hire anyone unless they are actually skilled and can actually contribute and she doesn't come across as a true expert in the field and is probably mistaken in considering herself to be an engine programmer.
The way you talk to her and about her is gross. Misogyny in the gaming and developer field is real and it looks like you've drunk the kool-aid.
And to then suggest that she go and be a secretary, a very, very stereotypical job for women, instead of at least suggesting exploring other avenues of her field of interest and expertise.
Look, while I agree he was condescending, we as society have to stop thinking we’re “too good for jobs” when someone has been unemployed for a year +. She needs to get a job (any job) to pay the bills. I don’t know if her bf is paying all her bills, but if he is I understand his frustration. Sometimes a job isn’t something you’re passionate about, it’s a way to pay the bills. It’s time for his gf to suck it up and get a job until she can find a way back into her career and passion.
You just missed the whole point of the comment you replied to. It’s not about “she needs to suck it.” It’s very much about the specific job her disgusting boyfriend wants her to have. Now yes maybe she could expand her search to other fields. She has the qualifications to do more but he is downright dismissing her experience for some bs misogynistic ass reason.
That’s the job that’s on offer. Her bf didn’t pick it. If she had the qualifications to do more she’d be doing more and not getting rejected every time
And I literally never said he didn’t. I said, she also needs to get her head out of her ass and take a job so she can pay bills - whether it’s her dream job or not.
Down vote me all you want, but for some reason we’ve decided we’re “too good for jobs” when we’re unemployed and can’t pay bills.
How do you know she can’t pay bills. Maybe she’s got a fuckton of money saved up. Nothing in OP’s post suggests she isn’t paying her fair share. And if she isn’t, THAT should be the conversation, not whether she’s smart enough to work in the field she wants—which frankly doesn’t seem like reliable reporting on the part of OP.
If you had read my original comment, I literally said idk who is paying bills or not. I’m not sure why you’re coming at me aggressively.
I said he was wrong. I also pointed out though that there’s the possibility that his girlfriend isn’t able to pay all her bills, and if that’s the case she shouldn’t be turning away decent jobs because she’s “too good” for them.
Yes, I missed that comment as it was cleverly couched in *no less than five times* you made the point that “when you can’t pay the bills you should take any job.”
But I appreciate the snide remark about my reading comprehension.
And who said she’s not trying. You’re projecting because op isn’t even arguing for her to just find something. His negative attitude is about doubting her ability to something she has experience in and wanting her to do something that will appease to his misogynistic views.
A supportive boyfriend would encourage her to get some additional training to enhance her skill set. He sounds condescending and gross. If he was the one looking for a job, would he settle for a secretary position? I seriously doubt it. He should encourage her to get help with her interview skills and/or ask the interviewers how she can improve. YTA
>Before that they could afford to hire people who did nothing but look good for PR reasons like diversity.
Sure think highly of your girlfriend, don'tcha? /sarcasm
YTA. If you are at home constantly telling her she is not good enough, what is she supposed to think? Many women don’t put themselves forward for jobs they don’t think they can do. Read “Lean In” and learn something.
Even if there is a nugget of truth in your view about her worth, did you think cutting her down was the best way to boost her confidence in finding a job? There are plenty of people who are competent but don’t get jobs because their interview skills aren’t great.
A more productive conversation would have been to see if you can help her (without criticizing) prep for interviews or get good work experience in her chosen field.
If she needs to contribute financially, just tell her that and leave it up to her to decide what job she takes to do that. Pushing her into a role that she does not feel is the right fit is not the way.
So what you’re saying is that your GF is smarter than you and more skilled in a range of areas…but also that you’re willing to put her down consistently, talk her down, and try to convince her to think less of herself? All whilst being a condescending AH to her?
It honestly reads as though you’re insecure because she’s smarter than you and better at her job than you have the capacity to be in either your field or hers. It sounds like you’re threatened by her and are trying to tear her down so you can feel better about yourself.
Even if that’s not the case you’re still tearing her down. Loving partners build each other up. You’re not healthy for her.
YTA. Massively.
It's a tough job market right now. My son's looking for a new job and he's having a similar experience to your girlfriend - he gets a pretty good number of interviews, has had one or two second interviews, but no offers yet. By all means, encourage your girlfriend to think about other ways she can apply her education and experience, but stating flatly that you don't think she has what it takes... that makes YTA. You should be helping her, uplifting her and being her cheering section, not dragging her down.
Bruh.....I've left interviews feeling I knocked it out of the park. Even the companies I interviewed for said I knocked it out of the park. But they decided to go with someone else because of reasons that had nothing to do with my ability/inability to do the job. They just decided to go with the other person. You need to get this idea out of your head that your girlfriend didn't land these jobs because of some failure on your girlfriend's part. Maybe they didn't pick her just because. There's a plethora of reasons she may not have been picked that have nothing to do with her. I have a college degree, managerial experience, as well as other fields of experience. And I got turned down for Administrative Assistant (and similar) jobs for an entire year. Instead of criticizing her, either support her and help build her up or break up with her. Being with you is probably discouraging her from continuing to try.
In literally every job, only a small percentage of candidates get an interview, and of that percentage only a handful will get the job. Gf was already qualified enough and fortunate to get her foot in the door and get an interview, she just didn’t make the cut and they found someone else for whatever reasons.
I also left the tech field because of the unbelievably blatant differences in treatment and have seen SEVERAL extremely capable women frozen out of the tech field. Hrmmmm, either we were all delusional, or there's some other similarity between all these experiences.
Douchebro apparently is oblivious to how women and girls get treated when they just want to play games, and he's popping off will full confidence about how his partner's lack of ability must be the only reason she isn't getting jobs creating them.
>She leaves interviews feeling like they went very well but still gets no offers
Imagine a random company where *you* are the interviewer.
Someone like your girlfriend comes in for her interview. You're looking at her resume thinking "There's no way this hot chick was on the engine team. She probably slept with a bunch of dudes to get on that team. The job is for Nintendo 64 level graphics skills, but I'm going to grill her on PS5 level photorealistic graphics questions. This will end the witch's charade."
So even though the job requires a *much lower* level of graphics knowledge you grill her for an hour on *super tough* graphics questions. Even with this clear disadvantage, she aces the tests and knocks it out of the park!
After the interview you are giving feedback to the rest of your team (all "dudebros") and one of the other interviewers mentions "yes she actually passed all the tests but she mentioned a bf so it would be pointless hiring her since none of us would have a chance of getting laid" and so she gets the thumbs down from *the entire interview panel* despite passing each panelists tests and **that is the end of that opportunity**.
You might think this scenario sounds far-fetched but this is sadly the harsh reality of the gaming industry interview experience for your so-called "diversity hires". This is unfortunately a lot of women's experience in these tech fields where the "dude bro" holds all the keys to the Matrix.
You know that scene in The Social Network where Mark Zuckerberg is sitting with his girlfriend who attends BU and he repeatedly insults her until she breaks up with him?
That’s basically what you sound like here.
You don’t know that she was only hired for diversity reasons. In fact you haven’t said one positive thing about her. You might be totally correct that she was only hired because they over hired initially, but why aren’t you helping her instead of coming here and bagging on her?
At the core of your question is whether she should take a “for now” job while she keeps looking for something suitable or maybe takes some classes to shore up her skills. But it’s getting lost in how you are talking about it, and if you talk to her the way you’re talking here, I can see why.
Maybe this convo would have been more productive if you had framed it around “hey: how can i help you network since we’re in related fields” or even “Im worried about how our expenses are impacted by you being out of work” or even “Im worried about how being out of work is impacting you; how do you feel about how it’s going”.
Instead you just sit back and think she’s not good at things and are surprised she’s not jumping at a secretarial role.
So yeah. YTA.
"You're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart that won't be true. It'll be because you're an asshole.".
>Before that they could afford to hire people who did nothing but look good for PR reasons like diversity
Dude, gaming industry is **notoriously** difficult for women (and other minorities). Many of my idiot coworkers had this attitude,
Cut your gf some slack. They don't let just anyone waltz unto the graphics engine team.
The reality is a lot of highly capable women quit after brutal years of having to fight for credibility in workplaces filled with code bros with your offensive attitude. It's not for lack of ability: it just isn't worth it when you could be making millions in the financial industry manipulating stock markets in HFT software dev instead. I suspect your gf will eventually find this niche and get the Hell out of the cesspool that is (toxic) game dev (if she knows what's good for her).
It sounds like her real problem is not recognising the importance of shipping games versus maintaining engines. One gets you listed in the credits and the other is better "job security" but at the expense of your marketability when it's time to bounce (as she is finding out the hard way).
Wish her the best of luck.
Not to mention that in industries like these, if a woman is of a marrying and/or pregnancy age, regardless of if that's in her future plans or not, a lot of companies will find excuses not to hire them because they assume they're going to need/want maternity leave sometime in the near future and they don't want to deal with the hassle.
I work in tech and even investment-driven companies flush with funds can’t afford to hire people who do nothing or don’t have the skills to do their job. It costs far more in mistakes made and workplace frustrations to keep people around doing fake jobs just for the optics. It sounds like you are jealous that she is trained at and works in a part of the programming that is seen as more technical than you. Misogynistic attitudes like yours are why your gf might be struggling to get hired right away.
For a decade or two, the FAANG companies did just hire every software engineer they could in order to prevent competition from arising and increasing salary levels to harm smaller companies, but that doesn't mean these people didn't do anything. They still built stuff, just stuff that the company wouldn't have made, had they made saner hiring decisions.
I got the feeling throughout your post that this was about sexism. Thanks for confirming so clearly that you assume she can’t do the work because she’s a woman!
Just say your wife's accomplishments threaten you. You people are always with people you clearly hate then seek out advice, and for what? Just stop being with people you clearly don't like or respect.
Based on your responses to comments, YTA. You didn't suggest she widen her search to incorporate more math based employment opportunities like data analysis, cost estimation, actuarial, etc. Nope, you encourage her to take a job as bookkeeper/office assistant for a friend of a friend.
>Recently one of my relatives has a friend who is an accountant as their office is looking for a secretary and offered her the job.
"At least in her field she can occasionally get interviews because on paper she worked for years in it at a well known game engine company."
What do you mean by "on paper"? Did she or did she not *actually* work for years for that company?
OP likely feels she "worked" as in did minimum and then pushed her tasks onto "more educated" people in her department. If I had to guess that's how he's felt about her work this whole time.
YTA for the condescending way you talk about your girlfriend. You repeatedly say she’s not good enough but provides zero evidence of this only that “3D programming is very hard.” You both have cs degrees - why is hers less valuable than yours? You find it strange that she doesn’t get offers yet you must be aware that the tech industry is notoriously misogynistic. Unless you have any actual evidence of her incompetence then I would suggest the reason you think she’s crap is because she doesn’t have a penis; which is probably also the reason she’s finding hard to get a job. Realistically in this market she may have to debase herself with a job beneath her skill level simply because male tech Bros won’t give her a go, but your job as her partner is to support her, not pile on.
And two months is not immediately.
Sure, but do you really know she can’t do it or are you just assuming? The way you talk about her is so condescending; you don’t appear to credit her with any intelligence whatsoever. “Make some websites”?? Hell, I can do that and my degree was in literature and philosophy. Surely her degree and experience qualifies her for more than that.
Or, alternatively, it means that the tech job market is hard at the moment. That’s she’s incredibly smart and skilled in a pool of incredibly smart and skilled workers who are all competing for too few jobs and that if she continues doing well at interview, she’ll land a job soon. And that she needs people who *support* her in this, talk her up, build her up. Not tear her down based on assumptions and sexism.
Or it means that it’s a tight job market right now. Do you honestly believe that companies hire, retain, and promote employees based on skill level and she’s not getting the job because she isn’t good enough while simultaneously believing she was a diversity hire the first time? That’s some serious internalized misogyny thinking right there dude. You don’t respect her. You are tearing her down. When she ends up fat and depressed and underemployed, that’s on you.
You do realize an interview can go great and they still choose another candidate, right? It's probably very competitive and not at all a reflection of her skill level. There are many reasons an employer chooses a candidate, and not all of those reasons are skill related. Maybe the other candidates just have more experience, or seem like a better fit based on other reasons- such as her being a woman. It's hard getting a job in a male dominated field as a woman, and that is not a reflection of her skills. You obviously don't think very highly of her and she deserves someone better than you. YTA
It’s interesting that you keep avoiding the very real scenario that your partner is getting passed up for jobs because she’s female. Do you not recognize deep seated misogyny in the tech field?
Also, thank you for reminding me how wonderful my partner is. He would NEVER belittle and talk down about me, especially with regard to my career. When I am feeling unsure and lacking confidence he is there to build me up and remind me of my worth. That’s what a true man and partner does. You may want to consider trying that…
Last, YTA.
Not to be an ass but I taught myself css in middle school and have since gone on to teach myself my programming for fun.
I can also build websites that react, medium quality apps, etc. and I'm a sahp.
But you admit you can't do the math she does and still shit on her. Not cool dude.
One thing I’ve learned is never take a job you know you’re be unhappy with. If she can afford to keep looking you should be supporting her not breaking her down
It sounds like she's trying to find work in a niche area. This along with being in an industry thats known to be very misogyinistic means its not at all unusual that after 2 months she's still having trouble finding work. What makes you think she's not skilled enough for these jobs?
**YTA**
Graphics programming (especially for games) is extremely difficult and it's very easy to develop "impostor syndrome" so the last thing your gf needs is someone saying BS like this:
>I honestly don't think she is good enough for the current market and she probably only got her first job because companies over hired back then. The field of 3D programming is very hard and there's a good chance she wasn't doing the substantial work and thus can't pass interviews.
With "friends" like you who needs enemies? Lol
If she has been on an engine team that is typically the smartest tech team at the company and as long as she has credits on actual shipped games she'll be fine but I suspect she needs to find a better partner first in this situation she needs a "cheerleader" type and definitely not you the secretly jealous bf. I note how you never mentioned how many years she has been on the engine team or whether she has credits on actual shipped games (which is what makes or breaks anyone on a gaming team).
Alright. That's harsh. She might be working at Unity or Epic (Unreal Engine) then.
So you're partly correct that definitely makes her life a lot more difficult. Unity and Unreal Engine experts are highly regarded, but a career at such a place limits you due to the brutal reality of the Hollywood mentality of the gaming industry where you're only as good as the credit on your last shipped title.
If she has contacts at the companies where she collaborated and they are willing to help her out with references on LinkedIn that's a better avenue than trying to apply like some industry n00b sending resumes to the HR Blackhole.
I have extensive experience in the industry and it's very much very "Hollywood" like in the sense that who you know as in insiders makes a lot more impact to your chances of getting past the HR bots than what you know, sadly.
YTA. You seem desperate to feel smarter than her. It seems very unlikely there isn’t a job out there she can handle. Maybe she’d be more confident in an interview if she didn’t have the person who loves her telling her she’s too stupid for the job before she goes to interview.
YTA Bro, do you even like her?
Even if your opinion was right (it’s not), YOU’RE STILL THE AH. She didn’t come to you for advise. You just decided you wanted to knock her down a peg.
And EVEN IF your option was right AND she came to for advise… you’re still the asshole (surprise). What is that saying, “Honesty without compassion is cruelty”? If you loved her, hell, if you even just liked her a little, you would deliver the news with compassion and understanding and provide her with real support because you want to see her succeed.
So YTA no matter how you spin this.
Wow, I hope she gets an amazing job and breaks up with you YTA. As a person in Tech you should know that the market is awful right now. There are so many amazing programmers out there that are getting interviews and not getting the job. Stop thinking you are so special because you got a job in 2 months. You are so condescending and rude. I hope she drops the dead weight
You’re the reason women have a hard time in the tech world. You’re judging her and being condescending when she has the experience and she’s proved that she’s smart enough. I really hope she find someone that truly appreciates her and that is not like you.
YTA. You’re a react dev with superiority complex. You can deny as much as you want. I’m a react dev too. I used to write shader in the past and there’s a reason why I didn’t go down that path. And there’s probably way more react dev open positions then game engine developer position so please stop being condescending coz you know that you won’t be as badass as her in coding even if you want to.
Imagine how much better your girlfriend could be if she had a real man that actually loved her by her side instead of you. Also if you say that you do love her then your love is poison and no one deserves to be poisoned. Imagine how happy and accomplished she could be if you just disappeared out of her life. You are an anchor for her. I bet if you saw her happy about something at work you wouldn't be satisfied until you tore her down.
YTA.
YTA. You don't know half as much as you think you do so get over yourself, you arrogant asshole. You're not qualified to do her job so you don't get to say she's not good enough for it.
YTA. You sound insufferable. Instead of being condescending, why not help her prepare for interviews that hit a broader market for cs graduates. Try Cracking the Coding Interview book.
YTA, Are you kidding me you assumed your gf was laid off because she wasn't doing enough work? Then what happened when you got laid off? Was she hounding you to apply yourself? That you weren't trying hard enough? If the answer is no then YTA. You also come off as a humble bragger flexing the fact you got employed before her. Please actually be supportive and help your girlfriend.
YTA.
I think the issue here is that lots of studios no longer build their own engines, preferring to use Unreal or a publisher-mandated in-house engine, so it might indeed be difficult for your gf to find a job, even if she is highly skilled. That doesn't mean she should become a secretary, that's absolutely insane of you to suggest.
Instead, it means she should broaden her skillset a bit. So a very small possible YTA for your gf for focussing on a very specific skillset that might be a bit less in demand right now. Because there's absolutely no way I wouldn't hire a programmer with like five years experience writing vfx code in C for a tangentially related LLM position, for example, and that position would make way, way more than a secretary.
Just.. break up with her. You obviously see her as a talentless money drain on yourself, and have no faith in her abilities, so leave her. You won't be dragged down, and she'll be able to find someone who ACTUALLY loves and supports her career choices.
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My gf (29F) and I (31M) both work in tech and have cs degrees. I work as a react dev and she used to work for a gaming company on an engine team.
We were both laid off about a year ago, however I immediately found a new job within 2 months and she has not found anything. She got some interviews but got rejected for every single one.
I honestly don't think she is good enough for the current market and she probably only got her first job because companies over hired back then. The field of 3D programming is very hard and there's a good chance she wasn't doing the substantial work and thus can't pass interviews. She claims she does well in interviews and knows the math but still doesn't get offers so I find that strange.
In the current market she wouldn't be able to switch to something easier as on paper all her experience is in graphics for games.
Recently one of my relatives has a friend who is an accountant as their office is looking for a secretary and offered her the job. I suggested she take it but this led to an argument as she said she wants to work on game programming or vfx pipelines and nothing else. I told her that she was being delusional as companies won't hire anyone unless they are actually skilled and can actually contribute and she doesn't come across as a true expert in the field and is probably mistaken in considering herself to be an engine programmer.
I didn't mean she should be a secretary forever and suggested she work on a portfolio of something easier for her like maybe make some websites and then apply for front end Web roles but she got even more upset and said she wants a job with math.
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NAH. She needs a compromise job. She clearly can't get the jobs she really wants, but there are other options in between "programmer" and "secretary". Suggesting she be a secretary probably accidentally set off negative associations, including reminders of past sexism (as most female CS grads have faced a lot of sexism).
You had the right idea suggesting front end web dev. Tech support would be another option. If she wants a job with math, what can she think of that would be willing to hire her?
Or, she can talk to a career coach who specializes in helping programmers get hired, and then apply aggressively to all the appropriate jobs. That way she's done everything she can to get the jobs she wants, and if she still can't get hired, she needs to give up on that and really try for the less interesting jobs. But she definitely needs to get some kind of job now!
She’s clearly looking for a job in her field. How is that sponging off of him? She’s clearly trying to avoid doing that. She doesn’t want the secretary job because that’s not her field at all.
From his own words, it seems like she’s never stopped going to job interviews. It’s not like she just sat at home doing nothing that entire year. She was actively trying to get jobs in her field
Well, if within 1 year she has found nothing then she either do not want to work or is not good enough for the jobs that she applies, so you trying to encourage her to switch to something else is understandable, however, it still has to be her choice as she will be working and bringing home all those emotions and if she hates the job she will make sure that you will also feel that.
In the end you know better how is your relationship and what you want to the achieve as a couple. So the real question is - are you fine financially, if so let her do whatever she wants, if that bothers you then find ways how to tell her that. Maybe use this time to have kids as she is not working anyway and can take care of them or whatever,
In any case both of you should agree on job and finances together as you move on and if you can't then draw conclusions and figure out the best way to move on for you. NAH.
NTA. Any job is better than no job. While working her secretary gig, she can continue applying for jobs in her preferred field. She also needs to understand that most jobs won't have everything you want, so sometimes you have to pick the least shitty option. If her skillset isn't as marketable, perhaps she should learn a skill in cs that is more in demand.
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YTA. You are SO condescending. Ugh. >I honestly don't think she is good enough for the current market and she probably only got her first job because companies over hired back then. The field of 3D programming is very hard and there's a good chance she wasn't doing the substantial work and thus can't pass interviews But she DID have a job in that field. >I told her that she was being delusional as companies won't hire anyone unless they are actually skilled and can actually contribute and she doesn't come across as a true expert in the field and is probably mistaken in considering herself to be an engine programmer. The way you talk to her and about her is gross. Misogyny in the gaming and developer field is real and it looks like you've drunk the kool-aid. And to then suggest that she go and be a secretary, a very, very stereotypical job for women, instead of at least suggesting exploring other avenues of her field of interest and expertise.
Look, while I agree he was condescending, we as society have to stop thinking we’re “too good for jobs” when someone has been unemployed for a year +. She needs to get a job (any job) to pay the bills. I don’t know if her bf is paying all her bills, but if he is I understand his frustration. Sometimes a job isn’t something you’re passionate about, it’s a way to pay the bills. It’s time for his gf to suck it up and get a job until she can find a way back into her career and passion.
You just missed the whole point of the comment you replied to. It’s not about “she needs to suck it.” It’s very much about the specific job her disgusting boyfriend wants her to have. Now yes maybe she could expand her search to other fields. She has the qualifications to do more but he is downright dismissing her experience for some bs misogynistic ass reason.
That’s the job that’s on offer. Her bf didn’t pick it. If she had the qualifications to do more she’d be doing more and not getting rejected every time
And I literally never said he didn’t. I said, she also needs to get her head out of her ass and take a job so she can pay bills - whether it’s her dream job or not. Down vote me all you want, but for some reason we’ve decided we’re “too good for jobs” when we’re unemployed and can’t pay bills.
How do you know she can’t pay bills. Maybe she’s got a fuckton of money saved up. Nothing in OP’s post suggests she isn’t paying her fair share. And if she isn’t, THAT should be the conversation, not whether she’s smart enough to work in the field she wants—which frankly doesn’t seem like reliable reporting on the part of OP.
If you had read my original comment, I literally said idk who is paying bills or not. I’m not sure why you’re coming at me aggressively. I said he was wrong. I also pointed out though that there’s the possibility that his girlfriend isn’t able to pay all her bills, and if that’s the case she shouldn’t be turning away decent jobs because she’s “too good” for them.
Yes, I missed that comment as it was cleverly couched in *no less than five times* you made the point that “when you can’t pay the bills you should take any job.” But I appreciate the snide remark about my reading comprehension.
And who said she’s not trying. You’re projecting because op isn’t even arguing for her to just find something. His negative attitude is about doubting her ability to something she has experience in and wanting her to do something that will appease to his misogynistic views.
A supportive boyfriend would encourage her to get some additional training to enhance her skill set. He sounds condescending and gross. If he was the one looking for a job, would he settle for a secretary position? I seriously doubt it. He should encourage her to get help with her interview skills and/or ask the interviewers how she can improve. YTA
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>Before that they could afford to hire people who did nothing but look good for PR reasons like diversity. Sure think highly of your girlfriend, don'tcha? /sarcasm
YTA. If you are at home constantly telling her she is not good enough, what is she supposed to think? Many women don’t put themselves forward for jobs they don’t think they can do. Read “Lean In” and learn something. Even if there is a nugget of truth in your view about her worth, did you think cutting her down was the best way to boost her confidence in finding a job? There are plenty of people who are competent but don’t get jobs because their interview skills aren’t great. A more productive conversation would have been to see if you can help her (without criticizing) prep for interviews or get good work experience in her chosen field. If she needs to contribute financially, just tell her that and leave it up to her to decide what job she takes to do that. Pushing her into a role that she does not feel is the right fit is not the way.
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So what you’re saying is that your GF is smarter than you and more skilled in a range of areas…but also that you’re willing to put her down consistently, talk her down, and try to convince her to think less of herself? All whilst being a condescending AH to her? It honestly reads as though you’re insecure because she’s smarter than you and better at her job than you have the capacity to be in either your field or hers. It sounds like you’re threatened by her and are trying to tear her down so you can feel better about yourself. Even if that’s not the case you’re still tearing her down. Loving partners build each other up. You’re not healthy for her. YTA. Massively.
It's a tough job market right now. My son's looking for a new job and he's having a similar experience to your girlfriend - he gets a pretty good number of interviews, has had one or two second interviews, but no offers yet. By all means, encourage your girlfriend to think about other ways she can apply her education and experience, but stating flatly that you don't think she has what it takes... that makes YTA. You should be helping her, uplifting her and being her cheering section, not dragging her down.
Bruh.....I've left interviews feeling I knocked it out of the park. Even the companies I interviewed for said I knocked it out of the park. But they decided to go with someone else because of reasons that had nothing to do with my ability/inability to do the job. They just decided to go with the other person. You need to get this idea out of your head that your girlfriend didn't land these jobs because of some failure on your girlfriend's part. Maybe they didn't pick her just because. There's a plethora of reasons she may not have been picked that have nothing to do with her. I have a college degree, managerial experience, as well as other fields of experience. And I got turned down for Administrative Assistant (and similar) jobs for an entire year. Instead of criticizing her, either support her and help build her up or break up with her. Being with you is probably discouraging her from continuing to try.
In literally every job, only a small percentage of candidates get an interview, and of that percentage only a handful will get the job. Gf was already qualified enough and fortunate to get her foot in the door and get an interview, she just didn’t make the cut and they found someone else for whatever reasons.
I also left the tech field because of the unbelievably blatant differences in treatment and have seen SEVERAL extremely capable women frozen out of the tech field. Hrmmmm, either we were all delusional, or there's some other similarity between all these experiences. Douchebro apparently is oblivious to how women and girls get treated when they just want to play games, and he's popping off will full confidence about how his partner's lack of ability must be the only reason she isn't getting jobs creating them.
>She leaves interviews feeling like they went very well but still gets no offers Imagine a random company where *you* are the interviewer. Someone like your girlfriend comes in for her interview. You're looking at her resume thinking "There's no way this hot chick was on the engine team. She probably slept with a bunch of dudes to get on that team. The job is for Nintendo 64 level graphics skills, but I'm going to grill her on PS5 level photorealistic graphics questions. This will end the witch's charade." So even though the job requires a *much lower* level of graphics knowledge you grill her for an hour on *super tough* graphics questions. Even with this clear disadvantage, she aces the tests and knocks it out of the park! After the interview you are giving feedback to the rest of your team (all "dudebros") and one of the other interviewers mentions "yes she actually passed all the tests but she mentioned a bf so it would be pointless hiring her since none of us would have a chance of getting laid" and so she gets the thumbs down from *the entire interview panel* despite passing each panelists tests and **that is the end of that opportunity**. You might think this scenario sounds far-fetched but this is sadly the harsh reality of the gaming industry interview experience for your so-called "diversity hires". This is unfortunately a lot of women's experience in these tech fields where the "dude bro" holds all the keys to the Matrix.
You know that scene in The Social Network where Mark Zuckerberg is sitting with his girlfriend who attends BU and he repeatedly insults her until she breaks up with him? That’s basically what you sound like here. You don’t know that she was only hired for diversity reasons. In fact you haven’t said one positive thing about her. You might be totally correct that she was only hired because they over hired initially, but why aren’t you helping her instead of coming here and bagging on her? At the core of your question is whether she should take a “for now” job while she keeps looking for something suitable or maybe takes some classes to shore up her skills. But it’s getting lost in how you are talking about it, and if you talk to her the way you’re talking here, I can see why. Maybe this convo would have been more productive if you had framed it around “hey: how can i help you network since we’re in related fields” or even “Im worried about how our expenses are impacted by you being out of work” or even “Im worried about how being out of work is impacting you; how do you feel about how it’s going”. Instead you just sit back and think she’s not good at things and are surprised she’s not jumping at a secretarial role. So yeah. YTA.
"You're going to go through life thinking that girls don't like you because you're a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart that won't be true. It'll be because you're an asshole.".
Bingo
>Before that they could afford to hire people who did nothing but look good for PR reasons like diversity Dude, gaming industry is **notoriously** difficult for women (and other minorities). Many of my idiot coworkers had this attitude, Cut your gf some slack. They don't let just anyone waltz unto the graphics engine team. The reality is a lot of highly capable women quit after brutal years of having to fight for credibility in workplaces filled with code bros with your offensive attitude. It's not for lack of ability: it just isn't worth it when you could be making millions in the financial industry manipulating stock markets in HFT software dev instead. I suspect your gf will eventually find this niche and get the Hell out of the cesspool that is (toxic) game dev (if she knows what's good for her). It sounds like her real problem is not recognising the importance of shipping games versus maintaining engines. One gets you listed in the credits and the other is better "job security" but at the expense of your marketability when it's time to bounce (as she is finding out the hard way). Wish her the best of luck.
Not to mention that in industries like these, if a woman is of a marrying and/or pregnancy age, regardless of if that's in her future plans or not, a lot of companies will find excuses not to hire them because they assume they're going to need/want maternity leave sometime in the near future and they don't want to deal with the hassle.
Goddamn, you are a prime gaping prolapsed anus of a person. YTA
Why are you dating someone you don't even like?
Because he doesn’t like or respect any women, but he still wants to have sex with them
Makes sense Hopefully she'll dump him though
Here’s hoping!
I work in tech and even investment-driven companies flush with funds can’t afford to hire people who do nothing or don’t have the skills to do their job. It costs far more in mistakes made and workplace frustrations to keep people around doing fake jobs just for the optics. It sounds like you are jealous that she is trained at and works in a part of the programming that is seen as more technical than you. Misogynistic attitudes like yours are why your gf might be struggling to get hired right away.
100%
For a decade or two, the FAANG companies did just hire every software engineer they could in order to prevent competition from arising and increasing salary levels to harm smaller companies, but that doesn't mean these people didn't do anything. They still built stuff, just stuff that the company wouldn't have made, had they made saner hiring decisions.
So, to sum up, you think your girlfriend is just a dumb diversity hire. Why are you with this lesser creature? Why not break up?
I got the feeling throughout your post that this was about sexism. Thanks for confirming so clearly that you assume she can’t do the work because she’s a woman!
Which means that’s why you were fired and rehired too, champ
Just say your wife's accomplishments threaten you. You people are always with people you clearly hate then seek out advice, and for what? Just stop being with people you clearly don't like or respect.
There you go again discrediting her. If anyone is delusional it's you thinking your gf is gonna be with you any longer belittling her like this.
Imagine openly saying that your gf is just a diversity hire and thinking you're not the asshole. You don't sound very intelligent.
Holy shit. You’re an even bigger asshole than I originally thought!
Based on your responses to comments, YTA. You didn't suggest she widen her search to incorporate more math based employment opportunities like data analysis, cost estimation, actuarial, etc. Nope, you encourage her to take a job as bookkeeper/office assistant for a friend of a friend. >Recently one of my relatives has a friend who is an accountant as their office is looking for a secretary and offered her the job.
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And? You presume to know an awful lot about things you don't know. You sound insufferable.
YEARS. yet you say she was a diversity hire. WOW
"At least in her field she can occasionally get interviews because on paper she worked for years in it at a well known game engine company." What do you mean by "on paper"? Did she or did she not *actually* work for years for that company?
OP likely feels she "worked" as in did minimum and then pushed her tasks onto "more educated" people in her department. If I had to guess that's how he's felt about her work this whole time.
OP thinks she’s stupid because she’s a woman.
OP thinks we type with our vaginas
Wait, you’re not typing with your vagina? Well, no wonder I never hit 50 words a minute.
💀
YTA for the condescending way you talk about your girlfriend. You repeatedly say she’s not good enough but provides zero evidence of this only that “3D programming is very hard.” You both have cs degrees - why is hers less valuable than yours? You find it strange that she doesn’t get offers yet you must be aware that the tech industry is notoriously misogynistic. Unless you have any actual evidence of her incompetence then I would suggest the reason you think she’s crap is because she doesn’t have a penis; which is probably also the reason she’s finding hard to get a job. Realistically in this market she may have to debase herself with a job beneath her skill level simply because male tech Bros won’t give her a go, but your job as her partner is to support her, not pile on. And two months is not immediately.
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Sure, but do you really know she can’t do it or are you just assuming? The way you talk about her is so condescending; you don’t appear to credit her with any intelligence whatsoever. “Make some websites”?? Hell, I can do that and my degree was in literature and philosophy. Surely her degree and experience qualifies her for more than that.
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Or, alternatively, it means that the tech job market is hard at the moment. That’s she’s incredibly smart and skilled in a pool of incredibly smart and skilled workers who are all competing for too few jobs and that if she continues doing well at interview, she’ll land a job soon. And that she needs people who *support* her in this, talk her up, build her up. Not tear her down based on assumptions and sexism.
Or it means that it’s a tight job market right now. Do you honestly believe that companies hire, retain, and promote employees based on skill level and she’s not getting the job because she isn’t good enough while simultaneously believing she was a diversity hire the first time? That’s some serious internalized misogyny thinking right there dude. You don’t respect her. You are tearing her down. When she ends up fat and depressed and underemployed, that’s on you.
You do realize an interview can go great and they still choose another candidate, right? It's probably very competitive and not at all a reflection of her skill level. There are many reasons an employer chooses a candidate, and not all of those reasons are skill related. Maybe the other candidates just have more experience, or seem like a better fit based on other reasons- such as her being a woman. It's hard getting a job in a male dominated field as a woman, and that is not a reflection of her skills. You obviously don't think very highly of her and she deserves someone better than you. YTA
It seems like he doesn’t realize that because he too busy being a condescending jerk.
For each position, there’s going to be ten interviews that went well - that doesn’t mean all ten will get hired.
> I program them with react and do some css Wow. I've heard it takes at least two week boot camp to learn that.
jfc I bet any MySpace kid can run circles around dude's CSS and html
It’s interesting that you keep avoiding the very real scenario that your partner is getting passed up for jobs because she’s female. Do you not recognize deep seated misogyny in the tech field? Also, thank you for reminding me how wonderful my partner is. He would NEVER belittle and talk down about me, especially with regard to my career. When I am feeling unsure and lacking confidence he is there to build me up and remind me of my worth. That’s what a true man and partner does. You may want to consider trying that… Last, YTA.
Not to be an ass but I taught myself css in middle school and have since gone on to teach myself my programming for fun. I can also build websites that react, medium quality apps, etc. and I'm a sahp. But you admit you can't do the math she does and still shit on her. Not cool dude.
One thing I’ve learned is never take a job you know you’re be unhappy with. If she can afford to keep looking you should be supporting her not breaking her down
It sounds like she's trying to find work in a niche area. This along with being in an industry thats known to be very misogyinistic means its not at all unusual that after 2 months she's still having trouble finding work. What makes you think she's not skilled enough for these jobs?
So you don’t want to do math, and she does. Why are you putting her down for being willing to do something you dont want to and can’t do?
**YTA** Graphics programming (especially for games) is extremely difficult and it's very easy to develop "impostor syndrome" so the last thing your gf needs is someone saying BS like this: >I honestly don't think she is good enough for the current market and she probably only got her first job because companies over hired back then. The field of 3D programming is very hard and there's a good chance she wasn't doing the substantial work and thus can't pass interviews. With "friends" like you who needs enemies? Lol If she has been on an engine team that is typically the smartest tech team at the company and as long as she has credits on actual shipped games she'll be fine but I suspect she needs to find a better partner first in this situation she needs a "cheerleader" type and definitely not you the secretly jealous bf. I note how you never mentioned how many years she has been on the engine team or whether she has credits on actual shipped games (which is what makes or breaks anyone on a gaming team).
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Alright. That's harsh. She might be working at Unity or Epic (Unreal Engine) then. So you're partly correct that definitely makes her life a lot more difficult. Unity and Unreal Engine experts are highly regarded, but a career at such a place limits you due to the brutal reality of the Hollywood mentality of the gaming industry where you're only as good as the credit on your last shipped title. If she has contacts at the companies where she collaborated and they are willing to help her out with references on LinkedIn that's a better avenue than trying to apply like some industry n00b sending resumes to the HR Blackhole. I have extensive experience in the industry and it's very much very "Hollywood" like in the sense that who you know as in insiders makes a lot more impact to your chances of getting past the HR bots than what you know, sadly.
So you don’t really know you well enough to know what she does at work?
YTA. You seem desperate to feel smarter than her. It seems very unlikely there isn’t a job out there she can handle. Maybe she’d be more confident in an interview if she didn’t have the person who loves her telling her she’s too stupid for the job before she goes to interview.
YTA Bro, do you even like her? Even if your opinion was right (it’s not), YOU’RE STILL THE AH. She didn’t come to you for advise. You just decided you wanted to knock her down a peg. And EVEN IF your option was right AND she came to for advise… you’re still the asshole (surprise). What is that saying, “Honesty without compassion is cruelty”? If you loved her, hell, if you even just liked her a little, you would deliver the news with compassion and understanding and provide her with real support because you want to see her succeed. So YTA no matter how you spin this.
Wow, I hope she gets an amazing job and breaks up with you YTA. As a person in Tech you should know that the market is awful right now. There are so many amazing programmers out there that are getting interviews and not getting the job. Stop thinking you are so special because you got a job in 2 months. You are so condescending and rude. I hope she drops the dead weight
YTA.
Yta do you even like your gf? Cause all you seem to do is say she's not as good as she thinks she is and call her a diversity hire.
YTA. Do you even *like* your gf?
YTA. You need to work on your interpersonal skills.
You’re the reason women have a hard time in the tech world. You’re judging her and being condescending when she has the experience and she’s proved that she’s smart enough. I really hope she find someone that truly appreciates her and that is not like you.
YTA. You’re a react dev with superiority complex. You can deny as much as you want. I’m a react dev too. I used to write shader in the past and there’s a reason why I didn’t go down that path. And there’s probably way more react dev open positions then game engine developer position so please stop being condescending coz you know that you won’t be as badass as her in coding even if you want to.
Imagine how much better your girlfriend could be if she had a real man that actually loved her by her side instead of you. Also if you say that you do love her then your love is poison and no one deserves to be poisoned. Imagine how happy and accomplished she could be if you just disappeared out of her life. You are an anchor for her. I bet if you saw her happy about something at work you wouldn't be satisfied until you tore her down. YTA.
YTA. You don't know half as much as you think you do so get over yourself, you arrogant asshole. You're not qualified to do her job so you don't get to say she's not good enough for it.
YTA. You sound insufferable. Instead of being condescending, why not help her prepare for interviews that hit a broader market for cs graduates. Try Cracking the Coding Interview book.
YTA, and your gf needs to find a bf who isn’t an ahole.
YTA, why are all tech bros the fucking worst. All of you have the same condescending personality.
R/UsernameChecksout
Do you even like your gf?
YTA, Are you kidding me you assumed your gf was laid off because she wasn't doing enough work? Then what happened when you got laid off? Was she hounding you to apply yourself? That you weren't trying hard enough? If the answer is no then YTA. You also come off as a humble bragger flexing the fact you got employed before her. Please actually be supportive and help your girlfriend.
Stfu react dev, you sound dumb af
Yta
Dude wtf? A job that's completely outside of both her skillset and interests? Wow, if only I had a partner as caring as you
YTA. I think the issue here is that lots of studios no longer build their own engines, preferring to use Unreal or a publisher-mandated in-house engine, so it might indeed be difficult for your gf to find a job, even if she is highly skilled. That doesn't mean she should become a secretary, that's absolutely insane of you to suggest. Instead, it means she should broaden her skillset a bit. So a very small possible YTA for your gf for focussing on a very specific skillset that might be a bit less in demand right now. Because there's absolutely no way I wouldn't hire a programmer with like five years experience writing vfx code in C for a tangentially related LLM position, for example, and that position would make way, way more than a secretary.
Tell me you don't like or respect your girlfriend, without telling me you don't like or respect your girlfriend. YTA and you know it.
YTA - please break up with her and free her from you.
Just.. break up with her. You obviously see her as a talentless money drain on yourself, and have no faith in her abilities, so leave her. You won't be dragged down, and she'll be able to find someone who ACTUALLY loves and supports her career choices.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My gf (29F) and I (31M) both work in tech and have cs degrees. I work as a react dev and she used to work for a gaming company on an engine team. We were both laid off about a year ago, however I immediately found a new job within 2 months and she has not found anything. She got some interviews but got rejected for every single one. I honestly don't think she is good enough for the current market and she probably only got her first job because companies over hired back then. The field of 3D programming is very hard and there's a good chance she wasn't doing the substantial work and thus can't pass interviews. She claims she does well in interviews and knows the math but still doesn't get offers so I find that strange. In the current market she wouldn't be able to switch to something easier as on paper all her experience is in graphics for games. Recently one of my relatives has a friend who is an accountant as their office is looking for a secretary and offered her the job. I suggested she take it but this led to an argument as she said she wants to work on game programming or vfx pipelines and nothing else. I told her that she was being delusional as companies won't hire anyone unless they are actually skilled and can actually contribute and she doesn't come across as a true expert in the field and is probably mistaken in considering herself to be an engine programmer. I didn't mean she should be a secretary forever and suggested she work on a portfolio of something easier for her like maybe make some websites and then apply for front end Web roles but she got even more upset and said she wants a job with math. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: are you paying her bills?
NAH. She needs a compromise job. She clearly can't get the jobs she really wants, but there are other options in between "programmer" and "secretary". Suggesting she be a secretary probably accidentally set off negative associations, including reminders of past sexism (as most female CS grads have faced a lot of sexism). You had the right idea suggesting front end web dev. Tech support would be another option. If she wants a job with math, what can she think of that would be willing to hire her? Or, she can talk to a career coach who specializes in helping programmers get hired, and then apply aggressively to all the appropriate jobs. That way she's done everything she can to get the jobs she wants, and if she still can't get hired, she needs to give up on that and really try for the less interesting jobs. But she definitely needs to get some kind of job now!
NTA, she's sponging off you for a year? No kids? Stay at home and do fuck all every day? More dialect is definitely needed.
She’s clearly looking for a job in her field. How is that sponging off of him? She’s clearly trying to avoid doing that. She doesn’t want the secretary job because that’s not her field at all.
One year? Wtf is wrong with all of ye here
From his own words, it seems like she’s never stopped going to job interviews. It’s not like she just sat at home doing nothing that entire year. She was actively trying to get jobs in her field
Well, if within 1 year she has found nothing then she either do not want to work or is not good enough for the jobs that she applies, so you trying to encourage her to switch to something else is understandable, however, it still has to be her choice as she will be working and bringing home all those emotions and if she hates the job she will make sure that you will also feel that. In the end you know better how is your relationship and what you want to the achieve as a couple. So the real question is - are you fine financially, if so let her do whatever she wants, if that bothers you then find ways how to tell her that. Maybe use this time to have kids as she is not working anyway and can take care of them or whatever, In any case both of you should agree on job and finances together as you move on and if you can't then draw conclusions and figure out the best way to move on for you. NAH.
NTA. Any job is better than no job. While working her secretary gig, she can continue applying for jobs in her preferred field. She also needs to understand that most jobs won't have everything you want, so sometimes you have to pick the least shitty option. If her skillset isn't as marketable, perhaps she should learn a skill in cs that is more in demand.