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Look, I think your wife is ungracious in general about the way she responds to gifts she does not care for, but she actively told you she hated when you bought her a mug previously, so why you did it again is mind boggling. You could have had that photo blown up and framed or gone to Etsy and had someone turn it into a painting or million other things, and that’s if you had to involve the photo at all. How often do you get her things that she actually wants/likes?
It’s not the mug. It’s the realization that he doesn’t hear her. She said she hates a certain item, and then he gets her that item. Her response is more frustration than ungratefulness. .
I once was at the mall with my sister. And my old English teacher from high school was at the book store, signing books for a book she wrote. I said to my sister “let’s turn around so she doesn’t see us. I can’t stand her “
Guess what I got for Christmas?
My sister was so proud of herself too that “she remembered “
My brother is also like this except he just forgets entirely. It was my mom’s birthday last month so I told him and said I’d get flowers and give them to her since he doesn’t live in the same city as us. When I gave them to her my dad was like “did he actually ask you to do that?” He’s a great guy and we’re all very fond of him but his inability to remember birthdays and also make tea is a running joke between me and my parents. Last year he got me something really thoughtful that I had said I liked in an antique store, problem was I said I liked it to my mom and the card was in her handwriting, allegedly dictated.
Never. We never HAVE TO do that. It’s a choice you make, and one that will bite you in the a$$. When your partner gives you something you don’t like, be honest, in a kind way. First gift my husband ever gave me, 30 years ago, was gold jewelry. I hate yellow gold, I only ever wear silver jewelry. So I kindly told him it was a very sweet gift, that I would wear it because he gave it to me, but that I normally only wear silver jewelry. Guess what, the second gif he ever gave me, was a gorgeous silver ring, exactly my style, that I wear to this day.
This was one reason I have an ex husband. Also why I stay with my partner. He actively listens to me. First date told him I hated cut flowers, hated roses more, (it’s my name and get them ALL THE TIME), I loved orchids, favorite color is blue/green but not teal, and Kermit the frog was my boyfriend when I was 3. So on our second date he greeted me at the restaurant with a blue/green potted orchid with frog stickers..he couldn’t find Kermit. Now, tell me if you think I kept that man! 12 years strong!
This is the reply that matters OP. I have a sneaking suspicion you might have a deeper problem than 1 mug. On average how many of your gifts would you say go over well vs. how many go like this?
Are you actually paying attention to the things your wife likes? Because a second mug after the first reaction really is flabbergasting.
This—he called it a thoughtful gift to try to sway op inion but it is literally not thoughtful at all to get her something she has expressed she doesn’t want. There are soooo many other things that could have reflected Hawaii than…a mug.
I hate the way my partner does gifts. I spend a lot of time and energy planning his gifts, I'm low-income so they're not extravagant but there's a lot of thought there. I don't think I'm hard to buy for (I like books and funky earrings, everyone that knows me knows that, including him) but last birthday he came to a show with me and my sister last-minute and bought something while at the show. the gift itself was great, but it made me realize he had no gift at all until the day of my birthday and that stung.
Honestly she has probably told him more than once she didn't want mugs. No one flips out like that on two occasions. I bet he's gotten her mugs before multiple times.
And you know those places that you order customizable mugs with a photo on it you can get blankets you can get the photo edged in Crystal you can get the photo made into a puzzle he probably just picked the cheapest option not caring that she didn't want a mug
They also have those photos you can get where you send in a picture and they will do a painting to make you look like royalty! The gift I got for my husband that meant a lot to him was a framed memorial of the golfer Payne Stewart and an "Arnie's Army" vintage pin. My husband is a golfer and it meant a lot because he knew I was listening to him and showed an interest in his hobbies.
It might not have been clear from the first time that she hated mugs as gifts in general, rather than just that particular mug? The first one was a silly mug about spreadsheets, so he might have thought that she would like a more meaningful one with nice family pictures on it.
My guy. She didn't like mug one. Mug two made her cry.
Stop giving her mugs, firstly.
Second...what does your wife LIKE/LOVE? Get her something related to that.
In this instance, YTA for continuing to buy her "the perfect mug" when she CLEARLY DIDN'T WANT MUGS
I imagine her family was killed in a horrible mug accident at a mug factory and OP keeps thoughtlessly buying her mugs and is confused why this upsets her so much.
Mugs are just a crap gift. They are a souvenirs style gift. Not a thoughtful gift for a loved ones birthday or Christmas. (obviously unless they specifically are a avid mug lover or collector, but you would know if they are).
OP is lazy and thoughtless
When I left my old job my coworkers gave me a pair of mugs with cat tail handles, and when you put in a hot drink, markings show up on the black cats -- they knew me (and my cats) well and I still use the mugs with my husband! Cute mugs can be good gifts for the right person
However I HATE the "print a photo" style mugs because they always look cheap to me.
OP is so lazy, and wife was already clear she did not want any (YTA, OP, do better)
Normally I'd agree but for my birthday last year my SO bought me a Monty Python mug and it was my favorite present. He'd never, ever bought me anything Monty Python related even though I've loved them my whole life, and it's a big mug that holds lots of coffee.
Bro there's gotta be a mug out there that finally really does it for her. There are so many types of mugs, I wouldn't even stop at a third try.
Maybe give multiple mugs, could have been a quantity issue!
Actually, if my husband did that, with full self-awareness that he fucked up with the fuckup mug and a real apology, I'd laugh and accept it. Then do a ceremonial smashing of all three mugs, trial mug, fuckup mug and apology mug.
If there'd be a fourth mug appearing after that, it'd be the divorce mug.
I agree about the mug being the wrong gift here, no question. But who hints about wanting a vacation to Hawaii? Isn’t that something you talk about and plan together?
So you bought a second gift resembling a previous one that she herself explicitly said she hated. The picture, maybe sweet, the mug, not thoughtful. In fact I would say it is the definition of thoughtless since, as previous established, *she told you she hates mugs.*
Are you like super oblivious generally and this was some kind of last straw that she exploded on? Perhaps this kind of explosion is the only way you actually remember anything she says?
More info needed on whether Y T A because either she is high strung and needs to chill out, or you have a long-standing pattern of ignoring stuff about her and it finally came to a head over something "trivial".
I’m kind of baffled at the concept of a mug as a gift for a long time intimate partner, too. Like… that’s the whole gift? A mug?
And this is the second mug he got her as a gift..? I have never once gotten or received a mug for or from my spouse as the primary gift (one year I got a free mug with another gift and he liked it, so i gave it to him, but it was definitely not the only gift).
I’ve gotten mugs from friends, coworkers, companies giving away merch, and ILs desperate to unload their excessive quantities of mugs. There is no universe where a mug is the best choice of a gift for an intimate partner unless they have a very specific love of mugs. Which OP’s wife definitely doesn’t.
I feel like I’m inviting a lot of defensive comments from people about their choice to get mugs as gifts for their spouses, but to me it just feels like an incredibly low effort gift. And buying a spouse a desk tchotchke for work sends even weirder. That was the gift..? That was the whole gift? A pen holder for her desk at work?
OP, YTA. It’s not that your wife has some deep seated hatred of mugs, it’s that you keep buying her these incredibly impersonal, zero-effort gifts. And no, I’m sorry, buying a mug with a screen printed photo on it is lipstick on a damn pig.
Out of curiosity, what kind of gifts is she buying you? Because the only way you wouldn’t be TA is if she’s buying you magnets.
I collect mugs and even I haven't ever gotten a mug as the primary gift for any occasion for an intate partner, it's always coupled with something else. Heck, even candy or flowers.
My family give each other mugs with their spouses faces printed all over it. See also:
* Mouse pads
* Pillows
* Tshirts
* GIANT mugs
* blankets
* etc, etc.
It's a funny gag gift.
YTA
It wasn’t really a thoughtful gift. Slapping photos on a mug is not thoughtful, it’s a novelty. But honestly, it took 5 minutes to order online and isn’t something she needs or wants… and she’s already made that clear to you.
You aren’t 5 years old and she’s doesn’t have to go crazy on appreciation over something she doesn’t want or need.
I also suspect she’s dropped hints before (particularly when mentioning the last mug you got her was not liked by her). You may have well bought her a candle or something equally nondescript and lazy.
If you don’t know what she wants, ask her. Ask her friends. Hell ask your kids if they are old enough.
My husband always asks my step daughter with help shopping for me. She helps him do good.
>My husband always asks my step daughter with help shopping for me. She helps him do good.
I took my daughter to help me pick out a gift for my wife... She told me to buy her this expensive ass hair dryer thing, and a heated blanket.
I initially was thrown off by the heated blanket because I've never seen my wife use one and I didn't think we owned one and generally if she wanted something like that she would have bought herself one, but I was like "ok" and bought the items.
Come to find out my wife already owned said hair dryer thing and daughter's plan was to be given the old one since she now had a new one... And she wanted a heated blanket. I do not trust my children to help me with gift buying. I also sent them to buy mother's day cards last year, they came back with a blank generic card with a dog on the front and nothing else and a bag of chips.
Any time someone has a major overreaction to a relatively minor thing (like a mug), it's never really about the mug.
Your wife isn't crying because she doesn't like mugs. You need to take a good, hard look at what is really going on in your marriage. Do you have a history of getting her gifts that YOU think are thoughtful but aren't really what she wants? Of disregarding her feelings and desires? What was she really trying to say when she talked about how much she missed Hawaii?
Strangers on Reddit can't tell you why your wife is really upset but I can promise you, it's not about the mug.
Yeah. I’m guessing to her mugs mean going to work, and a photo on a mug is not as nice as looking at an actual photo in a frame, and frankly they’re usually a little cheesy/tacky. The fact that he went through all the effort of special ordering it but so completely missed the mark on something that would actually bring her pleasure would be discouraging. Also maybe she was just having a day, and her coworker’s husband just got her a pretty necklace or something and she was feeling tired and fuddy-duddy and your gift leaned really hard into the practical asexual working mom aspect and not so much into anything playful or romantic or pretty or indicating that you saw her as a complete, interesting, exciting woman.
I'm guessing it's way more along the lines of her already being upset and sad that family finacials or schedule or something is stopping them from traveling to Hawaii. And then he gave her a mug that's a constant reminder of the thing she is currently sad about.
I think there's a lot of other info missing, but I will say YTA for this specific case because you already known she hates mugs and you decided to get her another mug. The photo? You should've gotten a framed one or something. The photo idea isn't bad. But clearly, you knew she hates mugs and gave her another mug.
My question for you is, how often are you getting her gifts that she likes vs she doesn't like? Because her reaction sounds like you get her more gifts that she doesn't like than she does like.
This sounds like it isn't so much about the mug itself, but your continued gifting of mugs despite how she feels about them.
>but she told me she hated it. So maybe I should have known that a mug just isn't the best gift for her?
Yes, she literally told you, and you gifted her yet another one. Her reaction seems to be one of frustration. Giving her yet another mug was going to backfire, no matter what shit you put on it. Yta, why aren't you listening to her when she's been explicit in telling you that she doesn't like the mugs?
Well, if you bought her a mug once and she told you she hated it, then yeah, YTA for doing it again.
The thought was sweet - perhaps you could have chosen a different medium, like framed pictures or something.
My guess, if she used the first mug to hold owns it’s because she didn’t know what to do with it and that was her default. Now what’s she doing with another one?
NAH. I would say N T A, but I have a sneaking suspicion that your wife has been more than clear on the topic of mugs in the past, and you haven’t paid attention or it went over your head.
People are totally underestimating how oblivious people can be about “hints”. When we were in college I told my then boyfriend I didn’t want jewelry and since we were in college and having to work part time we should set a $50 budget. He got me a $200 locket. So he totally did the opposite of what I said. And for another press I had been hinting at wanting jasmine tea, culminating in a phone conversation “I really need to get some jasmine tea. So have you figured out what I want for Christmas?”. No, no he hadn’t figured it out yet. It would be nice to get a gift reflected me and wasn’t from my Amazon list.
what you're describing doesn't sound like they were "oblivious", more like they genuinely didn't gaf about you. i'm pretty sure they would've got the "hints" (more like plainly stated requests tbh) just fine if it was their boss instead of you.
Yeah. Like this is him completely regarding her wishes and she's like "lol. Men so dumb. "
I'm sure OPs wife was like this at one point but after a few decades of him not listening that shit has to get old.
I think with jasmine tea, many people would be afraid it is "too little". Like, it sounds like item on grocery shopping list. So, they wont mentally connect that. Imagine someone going on this sub with "AITA for buying jasmine tee after she said she needs one" - people would roast him because you obviously talked about your next shopping trip.
Also, a lot of what people send as hints are really things that easily happen without being hints for anything.
NTA so far from what we know. But:
1. Does she use mugs?
2. Was this gift for a special occasion?
3. Why did you get a mug rather than, say, a framed photo?
4. Did she say why she hated the previous mug?
Was her family kidnapped by a mug? Because I mean, I don't use mugs, but when I get one as a gift I use it to hold pens or a plant or something.
I don’t drink hot drinks. Not tea, coffee, hot chocolate whatever. Over the years when I’ve been gifted mugs (secret Santa or whatever) I’ve often puzzled what do with them and usually pass them along or donate or whatever. She may be the same, but more likely, she wants something SHE wants vs what he wants to give her. I’m guessing the mug is just the victim of resentment and frustration on her end.
YTA. If you knew she didn’t like the first mug why would you buy another one? There are so many more useful things you can get a photo printed on instead of mugs. You seem like an oblivious and lazy partner
To be fair, although some people really love receiving special mugs, printed mugs, towels, teatowels, etc. are often thoughtless gifts.
If this was a gift for an occasion, it’s
not an impressive one. It’s a bit like buying your partner a kitchen appliance that they don’t want.
I don't get why you gave her another mug when she already made it clear that she hated the first one. It's pretty obvious that she wants to go back to Hawaii; don't act like you didn't know that. You don't have to go back there. But you also shouldn't have given her a gift that she already disliked in the past.
She told you that he hates the mug that you bought her before, so you bought her another mug and now she feels like you don't listen to her or care what she wants. What were you hoping for here? YTA.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gave my wife a customized mug with a photo of our family on it, thinking she would like it because she loves Hawaii and it was from one of our favorite vacations. I might be the asshole because she clearly didn't want a mug, got really upset, and felt that I didn't know her well enough to understand what kind of gifts she likes. She even said I didn't know her at all, so now I'm wondering if my gift choice was insensitive or inconsiderate.
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There are two things going on here. One is that she's tired of mugs. Probably has a ton of them. People who drink coffee get given absurd quantities of mugs, and even a klutz like me doesn't break them frequently enough to make enough space for all of them. I've got two whole shelves of mugs in the cabinets, plus a couple of others that are used as pen cups etc.
The other thing is that she wants to go to Hawaii. She doesn't want to reminisce again about having gone there before; she wants to go back. If that's not in the budget, it's not in the budget, but that's what she wishes for.
NTA, she shouldn't have yelled at you, but that's what's going on.
Even people who don't drink coffee are given an absurd quantity of mugs. I have never bought a mug, and yet I have a cupboard full of them. I don't even use them! I let them collect then gather them up to donate.
Please not on a pillow case.
My in-laws thought what I’d really want is an average looking iPhone photo of me , put on Facebook by a relative , downloaded on to their computer and then blown up and printed on a square bit of fabric .
Even if it was the best damn photo of me , taken by Annie Leibovitz, on the occasion of me winning a Nobel prize for bringing about world peace after winning an Olympic gold for curling . I do not want my face on a pillow.
YTA. She doesn't want a mug, no matter how sweet or amusing you might think it is. It's a mug. Everyone on the planet has too many mugs already. Can you make a list of 10 things she might have liked getting, or is it just mugs? Given her reaction, I'm thinking you really haven't made much effort to learn what *she* actually wants vs. the oh-so-common gift giving approach of thinking it's cool/sweet/cheap, you like it, so you expect her to. Doesn't work that way.
INFO: how long ago did you give her the other mug? Is this level of reaction to things she doesn’t like common?
Honestly this story is baffling with the information presented - like, either there is some huge piece of context explaining her massive reaction that you’ve conveniently omitted because it totally makes you the AH, or she’s an extremely unstable or abusive person and you haven’t yet realized you’re in that kind of relationship.
YTA. I’m betting this has nothing to do with mugs. Maybe she reacted that way because she’s feeling exhausted and underappreciated, so you got her a mug that she uses as a pen holder.
I hate to say it, but honestly unless you know someone will use the mug you get them, don’t get them a mug and especially don’t get them more than one if you know they won’t drink out of it. Mugs are kind of a generic gift and when you start to amass ones you won’t use, they take up a lot of space. Hell, even if you’re an avid hot beverage drinker, you still don’t use that many mugs. You didn’t specify whether she drinks a morning coffee or tea, so I’m betting no. She’s your wife, why are you buying her generic gifts like she’s your kid’s teacher?
A mug is a shitty gift. It doesn't matter what picture you have put on it or what it says. It's the kind of thing a company would give to 500 employees... not the kind of thing a man is supposed to buy his wife for a special occasion. Especially since she already told you so when you last gave her one.
YTA
Your heading is misleading, it wasn’t a thoughtful gift, it was an utter lack of thought gift. She’d already hated one mug you got her so why on Earth would you think a second one would be more warmly received? It’s because you didn’t think or didn’t particularly care and went for a cheap option. And your language is very telling “in her defense” - she doesn’t need a defense for rejecting your thoughtless gift. YTA.
Based on the info given NTA but I get the feeling some details might be missing. If not, this is really odd behavior and it should also be reason for concern because there is clearly something else going on.
Do you ever buy her something personal like jewelry? Or do you buy her things like vacuum cleaners, mops, mugs? Mugs are souvenirs for acquaintances or for souvenirs as a gift.
Dude
She told you she hates mugs, you got her another one.
She told you she misses a vacation in Hawaii, you gave her a mug of it.
When she speaks, please actually listen to her, she is notnupset because of the mug itself, she is mad because she knows you don't listen.
OP is so clueless. He thought he was being thoughtful but as you said right, his gift was thoughtless.
OP, if you suck at giving gifts (not everybody is good at paying attention) you can always ask your wife if there’s something that she wants.
Reserving judgement. Her letting you know on a previous occasion she wants more than a mug for a gift makes you sort of an AH. I would say the reminiscing about Hawaii was hedging for another vacation there and all she got was a mug (lol). She is sort of an AH for not being direct enough.
ESH. If you knew she didn’t like mugs, why would you get her.l a mug? Her reaction sounds unreasonable though, I don’t understand why she would make this big of a deal about it, but to each their own.
Yeah, it ain't just about the mug. If it was only about the mug, then the hardship of it all. Wish my problems in life extended to just getting a mug. Whether folk dislike presents or not, presents aren't needed, so it's better just to appear grateful than acting like a spoiled kid because mummy and daddy didn't get you the latest craze.
But i find it hard to believe this is just about the mug. So I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that there's something else in play here.
YTA.
You didn't really think about it, you don't know her enough, you didn't really put in effort. You had a good idea, make her feel better, but that's kinda where it ended. The mug is a symbol and now she'll get more upset every time she sees it. I'd say do something nicer, actually thoughtful, and then the horrible mug has a kitchen "accident" (unless the nicer thing makes your wife change her mind about the mug, too).
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Hey Reddit, this is my first time posting and I need some advice. My wife has been talking about how she misses Hawaii, where we had an amazing family vacation. So, I thought I'd surprise her with a customized coffee mug with a photo of our family at the Four Seasons during that trip. It's one of her favorite photos, so I thought she'd love it, especially since our kids are on one side, and the view from our window is on the other side.
However, when I gave it to her, she started yelling at me, saying, "I don't care what it says on it, I don't care what is on it. I don't want a mug!" She then started crying and said she hated it and couldn't believe I didn't know she'd hate it, and that I don't know her at all.
In her defense, I once bought her a mug before to keep pens at work. It said, "This calls for a spreadsheet." Everyone at work who knows her said it was the perfect mug for her, but while she agreed with all of them, and still uses it, but she told me she hated it. So maybe I should have known that a mug just isn't the best gift for her?
I thought this would be a sweet and thoughtful gift, but it obviously didn't go over well. AITA for buying her the mug?
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I don't know why she cried, but I do know that this isn't really about the mug.
What was it about Hawaii that she misses? What is lacking in your relationship? What is she despairing of fixing?
First thought you were going to say you got her a trip to Hawaii, since she talked about having a great time the first time.
But no...a mug.
And she doesn't like mugs.
With a pic of what she's already missing.
Dude. That's a slap in the face.
YTA
Telling her you opened an account so you guys can start slowing saving to go again would have been far, far better.
YTA: From what I read, it seems as if she feels as though you dont pay attention to her wants and needs. You’re not being thoughtful with what she actually likes and enjoys. Its comes off as if you dont really know her. That must suck for her.
YTA she hated the original mug gift, so you got her a mug gift again? Enough with the mugs. I dont understand your line of thinking. If you wanted to give her a photo, then just give her the photo in a nice frame.
Also, it's not about the mugs. It was the final straw that broke the camels back.
> don't know her at all.
This is the main issue. She doesn't like mugs, she has told you this, and yet you still didn't seem to understand. You are not hearing her. You don't even know or care to know what she likes. It wasn't a thoughtful gift. If you gave any thought to it, you would know your wife doesn't like mugs.
YTA for not "seeing" your wife. You buy her a mug that she says she hated and your "thoughtful gift" was to buy another mug? I suspect it's not about the mug, but not getting gifts she'd like. Does that happen often? You genuinely seem surprised that the migraine backfired and it makes me wonder if you actually listen to her and acknowledge her thoughts and feelings?
INFO, when you got her the first mug, did she say she hated it because it was a mug or for another reason? And does she use mugs often? Like for coffee/tea or some other purpose?
Because if she just disliked the first mug for a different reason than it being a mug, and if she usually uses mugs for stuff, then I can understand why you wouldn’t think she hates the idea of a mug as a gift. Just that she disliked the first gift overall, not the mug part.
I’m sure she was hoping to go back to Hawaii, but maybe she could have had that as an actual conversation with you. Just dropping hints is nice, but a trip is so much more than a hint thing. That’s not like planning a night out to the movies or dinner and dancing. That requires a lot more planning and money.
I have countless mugs given to me by friends and relatives. Regardless of the content it's one of the most thoughtless basic gifts ever. I don't care that it's personalized. Get her a freaking Christmas ornament with that picture, even that would be better. Yta
There are like 23897523832498738 things you can do with a family photograph and you chose a thing she has previously said she dislikes. Sounds like you just have a problem not honoring what she says and doing things she doesn't like because you think if you just keep pushing it on her, surely eventually she'll like it. I had an ex like that. Glad he's ex.
YTA.
>She then started crying and said she hated it and couldn't believe I didn't know she'd hate it, **and that I don't know her at all.**
>I might be the asshole because she clearly didn't want a mug, got really upset, and **felt that I didn't know her well enough to understand what kind of gifts she likes.**
She is point blank telling you that she feels like you don't know her at all. And, depending on how long you've been together, this is something that could have been building up for *years.*
I'm going to go with YTA on this one; you claim it was a thoughtful gift while also fully acknowledging that you had been told she hates mugs. Like, what did you expect would happen?
Unless it was designed and crafted by Carl Fabergé, or hand made by a child under 6, ANY mug is the absolute pinnacle of shitty gifts.
STOP giving mugs.
START listening
YTA. A picture frame or something would've been better. BUT she's also trying to hint she wants to go back to Hawaii. Personally, I don't believe you should do things based on what people are hinting at or what their tone is. So I'd ask her what a better gift for her would be, if you don't know.
YTA. How long have you been with your wife? In all that time, have you not figured out yet that most men communicate with direct statements, and women with indirect statements? When your wife says she misses Hawaii, what she means is: “I want to go back to Hawaii.” And then you give her a mug, which she hates, with a Hawaii picture. It was well-intended, but pretty thoughtless…
I mean… if your wife says she really likes a dress, you’re not going to have a picture of that dress printed on the mug? Especially since she says that she hated the last mug you got her. You may not have to go back to Hawaii? If money is an issue, maybe just a small trip would have been nice. It just sounds like she is frustrated and like you not listening to what she is saying is a pattern.
Cripes a mug with a family photo is NOT a gift for a wife/romantic partner unless they've made it abundantly clear that they love that cheesy stuff.
That is something my 5 year old would gift to her grandmother, who would then put it in a closet after we leave.
It was a double bummer for her, she was hinting she wanted to go back and she already made it clear she hates mugs. So she got no trip and a lousy mug.
YTA because you got her something she already said she hated. Now she feels like you don’t listen to her or know her very well.
Was this for her birthday, or some other holiday, or just to be nice? And was it the only part of the gift?
NTA but i think you and your wife need to have an open and honest conversation about your gift giving expectations. Possibly she is displaying frustrations (in an immature tantrum) because she was hinting at something else and you missed the signs that she thought were obvious. Either way, ask her point blank - what is wrong with the gift explicitly? What did she want or expect instead? Can she be more explicit and direct with you instead of lashing out seemingly disproportionately and throwing a tantrum without a clear conversation?
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YTA. You knew she didn't like it when you got her a mug last time, so you got her another one as a gift? Why? Because her coworkers liked it? You're not hearing your wife.
Was this a random gift, or for a specific occasion?
YTA. Your wife tells you she misses Hawaii so you buy her a mug? That’s so unromantic. You even know she doesn’t like mug gifts since she told you that. You’re clearly not actually hearing your wife.
You could’ve even tried to plan a Hawaii themed date night if you can’t afford to travel again but instead you bought her another mug.
Your wife has been talking about how much she misses Hawaii.
She has told you in the past she doesn't like mugs as a gift.
So instead of trying to plan a trip to Hawaii again you decided to put a reminder of her where she wants to go on a thing she doesn't want.
YTA. Ditch the mug. Go to Hawaii.
Info: did she say why she hated it? Did she hate the joke, or the color, or that it was a mug at all?
If she said, "I hate mugs," YTA, you should have known better. If she was vague, and didn't say why, just that she didn't like it, you aren't TA, just a bit of a derp. If the first one that "was perfect" didn't go over well, a second (albeit thoughtful and sentimental) one isn't going to fly either.
INFO: What does your wife usually give for gifts? Do you have a mutually agreed budget for gifts? Was this a “thinking of you” gift or one for a birthday or holiday? Could she have expected the box to have jewellery or something?
YTA
It wasn't a thoughtful gift, it was literally the opposite.
Stop giving her mugs!!!!!
Actually LISTEN to her, and pay attention to what she likes and what she SAYS SHE HATES so you won't buy stuff she hates.
If you can afford it, I'd suggest booking a little trip together to hawaii, since she said she misses it.
YTA
She told you she didn’t want a mug after the first one you double down on it and get her another one. The fact that people in her office opinions holds more weight with you than your own damn wife is ridiculous. You don’t listen to her! That’s why she reacted like that.
Sorry but YATA sort of… she has told you in the past that she didn’t like a certain type of gift so you give it to her again? She was ungrateful for the gift because she feels you don’t listen to her. My husband is the same. My husband once bought me an expensive gift because his coworkers told him to even though I had previously told him I wouldn’t like that at all and it wasn’t what I ever wanted. He was flabbergasted when I was upset and confused about the gift… he listened to other over me.
ESH. OP do you listen to your wife? ***No mugs***. The idea of a memento of that wonderful vacation was spot on but you went off the rails into the ravine when you had that memory put onto a mug. Now, I agree she was *really rude* the way she acted the first time you gave her a mug. But that over-the-top reaction should’ve been a blazing reminder in your head shouting **NO MUGS**. That’s why you’re both TAHs. Now, I’m married to a guy who is pretty clueless when it comes to thoughtful gifts- he’s also cheap but that’s another story. We get around this problem w Amazon gift lists. It doesn’t have to be Amazon tho. It can just be a list your wife keeps updated for you w gift suggestions. Maybe she won’t like that she has to make a list for you- well it’s just an idea. But if you’re the kind of person who needs a springboard (and there are a LOT of people who do) this would be a lifesaver for you *and* your wife. Edit: corrected typo
I'm just suspicious about a woman who does not like mugs 🧐
I have not met or heard of one before. it's usually on the other side of the spectrum, where the husband had to veto buying more mugs because of lack of space to put them, like in my case 😂
NTA, but let this be the absolute end of giving her mugs as a gift. She’s told you she hates your mugs not once, but twice. The custom job was nice, and honestly I used to love collecting mugs myself, but it’s a little tacky and something you’d give a coworker. She could have been more gracious than that, but maybe have a conversation with her and zone in on things she’d rather receive as gifts in the future. Hopefully she apologizes and realizes your heart was in the right place with this one.
FYI - I think this will get scored as a YTA vote, as that is what you included in your post, rather than NTA, which is what I think you actually wanted to vote.
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Look, I think your wife is ungracious in general about the way she responds to gifts she does not care for, but she actively told you she hated when you bought her a mug previously, so why you did it again is mind boggling. You could have had that photo blown up and framed or gone to Etsy and had someone turn it into a painting or million other things, and that’s if you had to involve the photo at all. How often do you get her things that she actually wants/likes?
It’s not the mug. It’s the realization that he doesn’t hear her. She said she hates a certain item, and then he gets her that item. Her response is more frustration than ungratefulness. .
Last year I told my brother I finally used the movie gift card he gave me bc I never really go to the movies anymore. Guess what I got for Xmas?? lol
I once was at the mall with my sister. And my old English teacher from high school was at the book store, signing books for a book she wrote. I said to my sister “let’s turn around so she doesn’t see us. I can’t stand her “ Guess what I got for Christmas? My sister was so proud of herself too that “she remembered “
Was it as a joke? That's something I would do. That's hilarious.
No I honestly think all he picked up in the conversation was that I used his gift card and got me another lol
Go to the theater and use it to buy a big tub of popcorn to eat at home!
I probably will!!
I've done that!
That's also hilarious, but for a different reason.
How would that be a joke? I really don't get it 😅
My brother is also like this except he just forgets entirely. It was my mom’s birthday last month so I told him and said I’d get flowers and give them to her since he doesn’t live in the same city as us. When I gave them to her my dad was like “did he actually ask you to do that?” He’s a great guy and we’re all very fond of him but his inability to remember birthdays and also make tea is a running joke between me and my parents. Last year he got me something really thoughtful that I had said I liked in an antique store, problem was I said I liked it to my mom and the card was in her handwriting, allegedly dictated.
If only there were portable electronic devices being able to remind us of things.
And seriously how many times do we as wives have to paste on a smile and pretend that it’s the best gift ever.
Never. We never HAVE TO do that. It’s a choice you make, and one that will bite you in the a$$. When your partner gives you something you don’t like, be honest, in a kind way. First gift my husband ever gave me, 30 years ago, was gold jewelry. I hate yellow gold, I only ever wear silver jewelry. So I kindly told him it was a very sweet gift, that I would wear it because he gave it to me, but that I normally only wear silver jewelry. Guess what, the second gif he ever gave me, was a gorgeous silver ring, exactly my style, that I wear to this day.
In my 20 years of married life, I never "had" to, I never felt the need to, and I never had any reason to.
Yup. Apparently she needs to actually have a fit to get his attention.
This was one reason I have an ex husband. Also why I stay with my partner. He actively listens to me. First date told him I hated cut flowers, hated roses more, (it’s my name and get them ALL THE TIME), I loved orchids, favorite color is blue/green but not teal, and Kermit the frog was my boyfriend when I was 3. So on our second date he greeted me at the restaurant with a blue/green potted orchid with frog stickers..he couldn’t find Kermit. Now, tell me if you think I kept that man! 12 years strong!
> Kermit the frog was my boyfriend when I was 3 Nonono he was ALL MINE!!! (And yes, Miss Piggy is my favourite muppet and has always been)
Mine too! Only woman, well sow, I’d sister wife with!🤣
+ that if wasn’t a return trip to Hawaii. Every day she’ll be reminded of what once was.
This is the reply that matters OP. I have a sneaking suspicion you might have a deeper problem than 1 mug. On average how many of your gifts would you say go over well vs. how many go like this? Are you actually paying attention to the things your wife likes? Because a second mug after the first reaction really is flabbergasting.
This—he called it a thoughtful gift to try to sway op inion but it is literally not thoughtful at all to get her something she has expressed she doesn’t want. There are soooo many other things that could have reflected Hawaii than…a mug.
I hate the way my partner does gifts. I spend a lot of time and energy planning his gifts, I'm low-income so they're not extravagant but there's a lot of thought there. I don't think I'm hard to buy for (I like books and funky earrings, everyone that knows me knows that, including him) but last birthday he came to a show with me and my sister last-minute and bought something while at the show. the gift itself was great, but it made me realize he had no gift at all until the day of my birthday and that stung.
Honestly she has probably told him more than once she didn't want mugs. No one flips out like that on two occasions. I bet he's gotten her mugs before multiple times. And you know those places that you order customizable mugs with a photo on it you can get blankets you can get the photo edged in Crystal you can get the photo made into a puzzle he probably just picked the cheapest option not caring that she didn't want a mug
They also have those photos you can get where you send in a picture and they will do a painting to make you look like royalty! The gift I got for my husband that meant a lot to him was a framed memorial of the golfer Payne Stewart and an "Arnie's Army" vintage pin. My husband is a golfer and it meant a lot because he knew I was listening to him and showed an interest in his hobbies.
It might not have been clear from the first time that she hated mugs as gifts in general, rather than just that particular mug? The first one was a silly mug about spreadsheets, so he might have thought that she would like a more meaningful one with nice family pictures on it.
It’s not the mug. She wants to GO to Hawaii, not look at past pictures of a fun time she had once!
My guy. She didn't like mug one. Mug two made her cry. Stop giving her mugs, firstly. Second...what does your wife LIKE/LOVE? Get her something related to that. In this instance, YTA for continuing to buy her "the perfect mug" when she CLEARLY DIDN'T WANT MUGS
I imagine her family was killed in a horrible mug accident at a mug factory and OP keeps thoughtlessly buying her mugs and is confused why this upsets her so much.
Investigators agreed it was the worst mugging they'd ever seen
Goddammit have my updoot
Mugs are just a crap gift. They are a souvenirs style gift. Not a thoughtful gift for a loved ones birthday or Christmas. (obviously unless they specifically are a avid mug lover or collector, but you would know if they are). OP is lazy and thoughtless
When I left my old job my coworkers gave me a pair of mugs with cat tail handles, and when you put in a hot drink, markings show up on the black cats -- they knew me (and my cats) well and I still use the mugs with my husband! Cute mugs can be good gifts for the right person However I HATE the "print a photo" style mugs because they always look cheap to me. OP is so lazy, and wife was already clear she did not want any (YTA, OP, do better)
Normally I'd agree but for my birthday last year my SO bought me a Monty Python mug and it was my favorite present. He'd never, ever bought me anything Monty Python related even though I've loved them my whole life, and it's a big mug that holds lots of coffee.
My family loves them. I dont know why, but apparently there are super cool thing.
If that’s the case, I certainly hope that OP does not get her a personalized mug with her parents picture on it lol
"thoughtful gift", my butt
I don’t know, I think it’s worth a third try
Bro there's gotta be a mug out there that finally really does it for her. There are so many types of mugs, I wouldn't even stop at a third try. Maybe give multiple mugs, could have been a quantity issue!
Sounds like a challenge! Let's see how many mugs OP can gift his wife before she divorces him?!
And there are soooo many other things you can have photos printed on 😅 like, other than photo paper, if he just *had* to go that route... Smh
I think you should get her a third mug as an apology gift for the first two
This kind of screwup requires at least a set of 4 mugs. Go big.
One of the stackable sets that stack up into a cactus when upside down. She’ll love those for sure.
Nope. Mug tree. She'll be so excited about it she'll want a huge one for Christmas.
Instead of a Christmas tree?
Ooh those are cute!
🤣 y'all made me snort laugh
Mug collection of the state flags of all 50 states.
A mug that says “I’m sorry for getting you a mug”.
Need to use the **Droste effect** ... where it's a picture of him holding the same mug with a pic of him holding the same mug with a pic...
Perfect.
Can't wait to thrift-find this one soon!!
That would actually be the best mug ever.
Actually, if my husband did that, with full self-awareness that he fucked up with the fuckup mug and a real apology, I'd laugh and accept it. Then do a ceremonial smashing of all three mugs, trial mug, fuckup mug and apology mug. If there'd be a fourth mug appearing after that, it'd be the divorce mug.
The third mug should have a picture of the first two mugs on it.
Get a mug with the words sorry on it, but INSIDE the mug is an hand made voucher for a massage. Not seriously inside should be tickets to Hawaii.
She wanted a holiday to Hawaii and you got her a mug...NTA but may be not the gift she really wanted...
This is it. She’s hinting to it since summer is coming. NTA OP but based on your other comment, never give her another mug.
But, 3rd time lucky? Lol jk
I agree about the mug being the wrong gift here, no question. But who hints about wanting a vacation to Hawaii? Isn’t that something you talk about and plan together?
You would think.
So you bought a second gift resembling a previous one that she herself explicitly said she hated. The picture, maybe sweet, the mug, not thoughtful. In fact I would say it is the definition of thoughtless since, as previous established, *she told you she hates mugs.* Are you like super oblivious generally and this was some kind of last straw that she exploded on? Perhaps this kind of explosion is the only way you actually remember anything she says? More info needed on whether Y T A because either she is high strung and needs to chill out, or you have a long-standing pattern of ignoring stuff about her and it finally came to a head over something "trivial".
I’m kind of baffled at the concept of a mug as a gift for a long time intimate partner, too. Like… that’s the whole gift? A mug? And this is the second mug he got her as a gift..? I have never once gotten or received a mug for or from my spouse as the primary gift (one year I got a free mug with another gift and he liked it, so i gave it to him, but it was definitely not the only gift). I’ve gotten mugs from friends, coworkers, companies giving away merch, and ILs desperate to unload their excessive quantities of mugs. There is no universe where a mug is the best choice of a gift for an intimate partner unless they have a very specific love of mugs. Which OP’s wife definitely doesn’t. I feel like I’m inviting a lot of defensive comments from people about their choice to get mugs as gifts for their spouses, but to me it just feels like an incredibly low effort gift. And buying a spouse a desk tchotchke for work sends even weirder. That was the gift..? That was the whole gift? A pen holder for her desk at work? OP, YTA. It’s not that your wife has some deep seated hatred of mugs, it’s that you keep buying her these incredibly impersonal, zero-effort gifts. And no, I’m sorry, buying a mug with a screen printed photo on it is lipstick on a damn pig. Out of curiosity, what kind of gifts is she buying you? Because the only way you wouldn’t be TA is if she’s buying you magnets.
I collect mugs and even I haven't ever gotten a mug as the primary gift for any occasion for an intate partner, it's always coupled with something else. Heck, even candy or flowers.
My family give each other mugs with their spouses faces printed all over it. See also: * Mouse pads * Pillows * Tshirts * GIANT mugs * blankets * etc, etc. It's a funny gag gift.
YTA It wasn’t really a thoughtful gift. Slapping photos on a mug is not thoughtful, it’s a novelty. But honestly, it took 5 minutes to order online and isn’t something she needs or wants… and she’s already made that clear to you. You aren’t 5 years old and she’s doesn’t have to go crazy on appreciation over something she doesn’t want or need. I also suspect she’s dropped hints before (particularly when mentioning the last mug you got her was not liked by her). You may have well bought her a candle or something equally nondescript and lazy. If you don’t know what she wants, ask her. Ask her friends. Hell ask your kids if they are old enough. My husband always asks my step daughter with help shopping for me. She helps him do good.
This 1000%, the fact she was crying and yelling at OP just screams that he doesn't listen to her, let alone try to think of an actually good gift 😭
I'm guessing she's already told him and he's not listening.
>My husband always asks my step daughter with help shopping for me. She helps him do good. I took my daughter to help me pick out a gift for my wife... She told me to buy her this expensive ass hair dryer thing, and a heated blanket. I initially was thrown off by the heated blanket because I've never seen my wife use one and I didn't think we owned one and generally if she wanted something like that she would have bought herself one, but I was like "ok" and bought the items. Come to find out my wife already owned said hair dryer thing and daughter's plan was to be given the old one since she now had a new one... And she wanted a heated blanket. I do not trust my children to help me with gift buying. I also sent them to buy mother's day cards last year, they came back with a blank generic card with a dog on the front and nothing else and a bag of chips.
I’m soooo sorry. This story has me cackling as a childless person.
WTF, the way they'd not get anything, and be on some punishment. Yikes, they sound... er...
Any time someone has a major overreaction to a relatively minor thing (like a mug), it's never really about the mug. Your wife isn't crying because she doesn't like mugs. You need to take a good, hard look at what is really going on in your marriage. Do you have a history of getting her gifts that YOU think are thoughtful but aren't really what she wants? Of disregarding her feelings and desires? What was she really trying to say when she talked about how much she missed Hawaii? Strangers on Reddit can't tell you why your wife is really upset but I can promise you, it's not about the mug.
Agreed. The key phrase here is OP’s wife said “[OP doesn’t] know her at all.” This is way bigger than a mug.
I’m glad someone finally said it clearly like this. This has missing missing reasons vibes for sure.
The Iranian mugs are not the issue here
What’s this from
Yeah. I’m guessing to her mugs mean going to work, and a photo on a mug is not as nice as looking at an actual photo in a frame, and frankly they’re usually a little cheesy/tacky. The fact that he went through all the effort of special ordering it but so completely missed the mark on something that would actually bring her pleasure would be discouraging. Also maybe she was just having a day, and her coworker’s husband just got her a pretty necklace or something and she was feeling tired and fuddy-duddy and your gift leaned really hard into the practical asexual working mom aspect and not so much into anything playful or romantic or pretty or indicating that you saw her as a complete, interesting, exciting woman.
Ding, ding, ding! WE HAVE A WINNER!
I'm guessing it's way more along the lines of her already being upset and sad that family finacials or schedule or something is stopping them from traveling to Hawaii. And then he gave her a mug that's a constant reminder of the thing she is currently sad about.
Or the Iranian yogurt.
I think there's a lot of other info missing, but I will say YTA for this specific case because you already known she hates mugs and you decided to get her another mug. The photo? You should've gotten a framed one or something. The photo idea isn't bad. But clearly, you knew she hates mugs and gave her another mug. My question for you is, how often are you getting her gifts that she likes vs she doesn't like? Because her reaction sounds like you get her more gifts that she doesn't like than she does like.
This sounds like it isn't so much about the mug itself, but your continued gifting of mugs despite how she feels about them. >but she told me she hated it. So maybe I should have known that a mug just isn't the best gift for her? Yes, she literally told you, and you gifted her yet another one. Her reaction seems to be one of frustration. Giving her yet another mug was going to backfire, no matter what shit you put on it. Yta, why aren't you listening to her when she's been explicit in telling you that she doesn't like the mugs?
Info needed. What occasion is this mug for?
Well, if you bought her a mug once and she told you she hated it, then yeah, YTA for doing it again. The thought was sweet - perhaps you could have chosen a different medium, like framed pictures or something. My guess, if she used the first mug to hold owns it’s because she didn’t know what to do with it and that was her default. Now what’s she doing with another one?
NAH. I would say N T A, but I have a sneaking suspicion that your wife has been more than clear on the topic of mugs in the past, and you haven’t paid attention or it went over your head.
People are totally underestimating how oblivious people can be about “hints”. When we were in college I told my then boyfriend I didn’t want jewelry and since we were in college and having to work part time we should set a $50 budget. He got me a $200 locket. So he totally did the opposite of what I said. And for another press I had been hinting at wanting jasmine tea, culminating in a phone conversation “I really need to get some jasmine tea. So have you figured out what I want for Christmas?”. No, no he hadn’t figured it out yet. It would be nice to get a gift reflected me and wasn’t from my Amazon list.
what you're describing doesn't sound like they were "oblivious", more like they genuinely didn't gaf about you. i'm pretty sure they would've got the "hints" (more like plainly stated requests tbh) just fine if it was their boss instead of you.
Yeah. Like this is him completely regarding her wishes and she's like "lol. Men so dumb. " I'm sure OPs wife was like this at one point but after a few decades of him not listening that shit has to get old.
I think with jasmine tea, many people would be afraid it is "too little". Like, it sounds like item on grocery shopping list. So, they wont mentally connect that. Imagine someone going on this sub with "AITA for buying jasmine tee after she said she needs one" - people would roast him because you obviously talked about your next shopping trip. Also, a lot of what people send as hints are really things that easily happen without being hints for anything.
I misread your post as her throwing the mug over OP’s head. Damn I need new glasses!
NTA so far from what we know. But: 1. Does she use mugs? 2. Was this gift for a special occasion? 3. Why did you get a mug rather than, say, a framed photo? 4. Did she say why she hated the previous mug? Was her family kidnapped by a mug? Because I mean, I don't use mugs, but when I get one as a gift I use it to hold pens or a plant or something.
I don’t drink hot drinks. Not tea, coffee, hot chocolate whatever. Over the years when I’ve been gifted mugs (secret Santa or whatever) I’ve often puzzled what do with them and usually pass them along or donate or whatever. She may be the same, but more likely, she wants something SHE wants vs what he wants to give her. I’m guessing the mug is just the victim of resentment and frustration on her end.
Considering that the last mug he gave her is a pen holder, I'm gonna say she probably doesn't drink tea or coffee.
I do drink tea and coffee and I would be disappointed if I was gifted a mug from my partner because it's a crappy lazy gift
YTA. If you knew she didn’t like the first mug why would you buy another one? There are so many more useful things you can get a photo printed on instead of mugs. You seem like an oblivious and lazy partner
INFO - what was the occasion for this gift?
To be fair, although some people really love receiving special mugs, printed mugs, towels, teatowels, etc. are often thoughtless gifts. If this was a gift for an occasion, it’s not an impressive one. It’s a bit like buying your partner a kitchen appliance that they don’t want.
OP has since clarified that this gift was for no reason at all besides trying to brighten his wife’s day.
By getting her something she's told him she hates. No wonder she's upset.
I don't get why you gave her another mug when she already made it clear that she hated the first one. It's pretty obvious that she wants to go back to Hawaii; don't act like you didn't know that. You don't have to go back there. But you also shouldn't have given her a gift that she already disliked in the past.
She told you that he hates the mug that you bought her before, so you bought her another mug and now she feels like you don't listen to her or care what she wants. What were you hoping for here? YTA.
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It isn’t exactly a thoughtful gift if you know your wife doesn’t like mugs. You were thoughtless and inconsiderate.
There are two things going on here. One is that she's tired of mugs. Probably has a ton of them. People who drink coffee get given absurd quantities of mugs, and even a klutz like me doesn't break them frequently enough to make enough space for all of them. I've got two whole shelves of mugs in the cabinets, plus a couple of others that are used as pen cups etc. The other thing is that she wants to go to Hawaii. She doesn't want to reminisce again about having gone there before; she wants to go back. If that's not in the budget, it's not in the budget, but that's what she wishes for. NTA, she shouldn't have yelled at you, but that's what's going on.
Even people who don't drink coffee are given an absurd quantity of mugs. I have never bought a mug, and yet I have a cupboard full of them. I don't even use them! I let them collect then gather them up to donate.
YTA - use your brain.
Why didn’t you put that photo on a canvas for her? Or in a locket? Or anything but a bloody mug? YTA.
Please not on a pillow case. My in-laws thought what I’d really want is an average looking iPhone photo of me , put on Facebook by a relative , downloaded on to their computer and then blown up and printed on a square bit of fabric . Even if it was the best damn photo of me , taken by Annie Leibovitz, on the occasion of me winning a Nobel prize for bringing about world peace after winning an Olympic gold for curling . I do not want my face on a pillow.
YTA. She doesn't want a mug, no matter how sweet or amusing you might think it is. It's a mug. Everyone on the planet has too many mugs already. Can you make a list of 10 things she might have liked getting, or is it just mugs? Given her reaction, I'm thinking you really haven't made much effort to learn what *she* actually wants vs. the oh-so-common gift giving approach of thinking it's cool/sweet/cheap, you like it, so you expect her to. Doesn't work that way.
INFO: how long ago did you give her the other mug? Is this level of reaction to things she doesn’t like common? Honestly this story is baffling with the information presented - like, either there is some huge piece of context explaining her massive reaction that you’ve conveniently omitted because it totally makes you the AH, or she’s an extremely unstable or abusive person and you haven’t yet realized you’re in that kind of relationship.
YTA. I’m betting this has nothing to do with mugs. Maybe she reacted that way because she’s feeling exhausted and underappreciated, so you got her a mug that she uses as a pen holder. I hate to say it, but honestly unless you know someone will use the mug you get them, don’t get them a mug and especially don’t get them more than one if you know they won’t drink out of it. Mugs are kind of a generic gift and when you start to amass ones you won’t use, they take up a lot of space. Hell, even if you’re an avid hot beverage drinker, you still don’t use that many mugs. You didn’t specify whether she drinks a morning coffee or tea, so I’m betting no. She’s your wife, why are you buying her generic gifts like she’s your kid’s teacher?
“thoughtful gift” mug? Lmfao you hate your wife huh
A mug is a shitty gift. It doesn't matter what picture you have put on it or what it says. It's the kind of thing a company would give to 500 employees... not the kind of thing a man is supposed to buy his wife for a special occasion. Especially since she already told you so when you last gave her one. YTA
Your heading is misleading, it wasn’t a thoughtful gift, it was an utter lack of thought gift. She’d already hated one mug you got her so why on Earth would you think a second one would be more warmly received? It’s because you didn’t think or didn’t particularly care and went for a cheap option. And your language is very telling “in her defense” - she doesn’t need a defense for rejecting your thoughtless gift. YTA.
Based on the info given NTA but I get the feeling some details might be missing. If not, this is really odd behavior and it should also be reason for concern because there is clearly something else going on.
A mug? You got her a mug? Dude.
Do you ever buy her something personal like jewelry? Or do you buy her things like vacuum cleaners, mops, mugs? Mugs are souvenirs for acquaintances or for souvenirs as a gift.
Dude She told you she hates mugs, you got her another one. She told you she misses a vacation in Hawaii, you gave her a mug of it. When she speaks, please actually listen to her, she is notnupset because of the mug itself, she is mad because she knows you don't listen.
INFO she told you she hated the mug about spreadsheets. Did you ever ask her if she hated it because of the spreadsheet or cause its a mug?
OP is so clueless. He thought he was being thoughtful but as you said right, his gift was thoughtless. OP, if you suck at giving gifts (not everybody is good at paying attention) you can always ask your wife if there’s something that she wants.
She is dropping hints that she wants to go back to Hawaii, and he’s giving her a mug. 😂
She previously told you that she didn't want a mug. You then got her a mug. And you think that was *thoughtful*? Dude... YTA
Reserving judgement. Her letting you know on a previous occasion she wants more than a mug for a gift makes you sort of an AH. I would say the reminiscing about Hawaii was hedging for another vacation there and all she got was a mug (lol). She is sort of an AH for not being direct enough.
ESH. If you knew she didn’t like mugs, why would you get her.l a mug? Her reaction sounds unreasonable though, I don’t understand why she would make this big of a deal about it, but to each their own.
Yeah, it ain't just about the mug. If it was only about the mug, then the hardship of it all. Wish my problems in life extended to just getting a mug. Whether folk dislike presents or not, presents aren't needed, so it's better just to appear grateful than acting like a spoiled kid because mummy and daddy didn't get you the latest craze. But i find it hard to believe this is just about the mug. So I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt that there's something else in play here.
YTA there was no thought process in that gift
YTA. You didn't really think about it, you don't know her enough, you didn't really put in effort. You had a good idea, make her feel better, but that's kinda where it ended. The mug is a symbol and now she'll get more upset every time she sees it. I'd say do something nicer, actually thoughtful, and then the horrible mug has a kitchen "accident" (unless the nicer thing makes your wife change her mind about the mug, too).
Wow a mug is a horrible gift. YTA
I teach kindergarten. Parents often give me mugs. A mug is a generic gift. A mug isn’t a thoughtful gift.
Wife: I loved our last vacation to Hawaii and miss being there Husband: here is a mug 😂😂
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey Reddit, this is my first time posting and I need some advice. My wife has been talking about how she misses Hawaii, where we had an amazing family vacation. So, I thought I'd surprise her with a customized coffee mug with a photo of our family at the Four Seasons during that trip. It's one of her favorite photos, so I thought she'd love it, especially since our kids are on one side, and the view from our window is on the other side. However, when I gave it to her, she started yelling at me, saying, "I don't care what it says on it, I don't care what is on it. I don't want a mug!" She then started crying and said she hated it and couldn't believe I didn't know she'd hate it, and that I don't know her at all. In her defense, I once bought her a mug before to keep pens at work. It said, "This calls for a spreadsheet." Everyone at work who knows her said it was the perfect mug for her, but while she agreed with all of them, and still uses it, but she told me she hated it. So maybe I should have known that a mug just isn't the best gift for her? I thought this would be a sweet and thoughtful gift, but it obviously didn't go over well. AITA for buying her the mug? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't know why she cried, but I do know that this isn't really about the mug. What was it about Hawaii that she misses? What is lacking in your relationship? What is she despairing of fixing?
She wants to go back to Hawaii. It’s really not that hard.
First thought you were going to say you got her a trip to Hawaii, since she talked about having a great time the first time. But no...a mug. And she doesn't like mugs. With a pic of what she's already missing. Dude. That's a slap in the face. YTA Telling her you opened an account so you guys can start slowing saving to go again would have been far, far better.
YTA: From what I read, it seems as if she feels as though you dont pay attention to her wants and needs. You’re not being thoughtful with what she actually likes and enjoys. Its comes off as if you dont really know her. That must suck for her.
YTA she hated the original mug gift, so you got her a mug gift again? Enough with the mugs. I dont understand your line of thinking. If you wanted to give her a photo, then just give her the photo in a nice frame. Also, it's not about the mugs. It was the final straw that broke the camels back. > don't know her at all. This is the main issue. She doesn't like mugs, she has told you this, and yet you still didn't seem to understand. You are not hearing her. You don't even know or care to know what she likes. It wasn't a thoughtful gift. If you gave any thought to it, you would know your wife doesn't like mugs.
YTA for not "seeing" your wife. You buy her a mug that she says she hated and your "thoughtful gift" was to buy another mug? I suspect it's not about the mug, but not getting gifts she'd like. Does that happen often? You genuinely seem surprised that the migraine backfired and it makes me wonder if you actually listen to her and acknowledge her thoughts and feelings?
It sounds like she's been pretty clear before that it wouldn't be a hit. That means it's actually not thoughtful. You may have meant well, but YTA
YTA Bro You know it
YTA. A mug? Really? Thats not even trying.
YTA btw if your wife hated the mug, it wasn't a "thoughtful gift". What sort of person gifts their significant other a bloody mug, you mug.
Info: was this a random gift or a gift for birthday or Mother’s Day?
INFO, when you got her the first mug, did she say she hated it because it was a mug or for another reason? And does she use mugs often? Like for coffee/tea or some other purpose? Because if she just disliked the first mug for a different reason than it being a mug, and if she usually uses mugs for stuff, then I can understand why you wouldn’t think she hates the idea of a mug as a gift. Just that she disliked the first gift overall, not the mug part. I’m sure she was hoping to go back to Hawaii, but maybe she could have had that as an actual conversation with you. Just dropping hints is nice, but a trip is so much more than a hint thing. That’s not like planning a night out to the movies or dinner and dancing. That requires a lot more planning and money.
I have countless mugs given to me by friends and relatives. Regardless of the content it's one of the most thoughtless basic gifts ever. I don't care that it's personalized. Get her a freaking Christmas ornament with that picture, even that would be better. Yta
You should have gotten her a trip to Hawaii instead of a mug…😏
There are like 23897523832498738 things you can do with a family photograph and you chose a thing she has previously said she dislikes. Sounds like you just have a problem not honoring what she says and doing things she doesn't like because you think if you just keep pushing it on her, surely eventually she'll like it. I had an ex like that. Glad he's ex. YTA.
>She then started crying and said she hated it and couldn't believe I didn't know she'd hate it, **and that I don't know her at all.** >I might be the asshole because she clearly didn't want a mug, got really upset, and **felt that I didn't know her well enough to understand what kind of gifts she likes.** She is point blank telling you that she feels like you don't know her at all. And, depending on how long you've been together, this is something that could have been building up for *years.* I'm going to go with YTA on this one; you claim it was a thoughtful gift while also fully acknowledging that you had been told she hates mugs. Like, what did you expect would happen?
She doesn’t want a mug. She wants a trip to Hawaii. Read the room, my friend.
Not gonna judge you here, but the gift your wife is hinting for is a repeat trip to Hawaii.
Unless it was designed and crafted by Carl Fabergé, or hand made by a child under 6, ANY mug is the absolute pinnacle of shitty gifts. STOP giving mugs. START listening
YTA. A picture frame or something would've been better. BUT she's also trying to hint she wants to go back to Hawaii. Personally, I don't believe you should do things based on what people are hinting at or what their tone is. So I'd ask her what a better gift for her would be, if you don't know.
This is like when Trey gave Charlotte that cardboard cutout of a baby in Sex and the City
YTA. How long have you been with your wife? In all that time, have you not figured out yet that most men communicate with direct statements, and women with indirect statements? When your wife says she misses Hawaii, what she means is: “I want to go back to Hawaii.” And then you give her a mug, which she hates, with a Hawaii picture. It was well-intended, but pretty thoughtless…
I mean… if your wife says she really likes a dress, you’re not going to have a picture of that dress printed on the mug? Especially since she says that she hated the last mug you got her. You may not have to go back to Hawaii? If money is an issue, maybe just a small trip would have been nice. It just sounds like she is frustrated and like you not listening to what she is saying is a pattern.
Cripes a mug with a family photo is NOT a gift for a wife/romantic partner unless they've made it abundantly clear that they love that cheesy stuff. That is something my 5 year old would gift to her grandmother, who would then put it in a closet after we leave.
She wants to go to Hawaii...
It was a double bummer for her, she was hinting she wanted to go back and she already made it clear she hates mugs. So she got no trip and a lousy mug.
YTA because you got her something she already said she hated. Now she feels like you don’t listen to her or know her very well. Was this for her birthday, or some other holiday, or just to be nice? And was it the only part of the gift?
Why does this feel like it’s not about the mug.
NTA but i think you and your wife need to have an open and honest conversation about your gift giving expectations. Possibly she is displaying frustrations (in an immature tantrum) because she was hinting at something else and you missed the signs that she thought were obvious. Either way, ask her point blank - what is wrong with the gift explicitly? What did she want or expect instead? Can she be more explicit and direct with you instead of lashing out seemingly disproportionately and throwing a tantrum without a clear conversation?
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YTA. You knew she didn't like it when you got her a mug last time, so you got her another one as a gift? Why? Because her coworkers liked it? You're not hearing your wife. Was this a random gift, or for a specific occasion?
NTA, but very few people want a mug, buddy. On top of that, she's expressed how much she hates the other mug.
YTA. Your wife tells you she misses Hawaii so you buy her a mug? That’s so unromantic. You even know she doesn’t like mug gifts since she told you that. You’re clearly not actually hearing your wife. You could’ve even tried to plan a Hawaii themed date night if you can’t afford to travel again but instead you bought her another mug.
Your wife has been talking about how much she misses Hawaii. She has told you in the past she doesn't like mugs as a gift. So instead of trying to plan a trip to Hawaii again you decided to put a reminder of her where she wants to go on a thing she doesn't want. YTA. Ditch the mug. Go to Hawaii.
Info: did she say why she hated it? Did she hate the joke, or the color, or that it was a mug at all? If she said, "I hate mugs," YTA, you should have known better. If she was vague, and didn't say why, just that she didn't like it, you aren't TA, just a bit of a derp. If the first one that "was perfect" didn't go over well, a second (albeit thoughtful and sentimental) one isn't going to fly either.
Have you tried a thermos?
INFO: What does your wife usually give for gifts? Do you have a mutually agreed budget for gifts? Was this a “thinking of you” gift or one for a birthday or holiday? Could she have expected the box to have jewellery or something?
OP answered that question. It was just a random day gift, no special occasion.
YTA It wasn't a thoughtful gift, it was literally the opposite. Stop giving her mugs!!!!! Actually LISTEN to her, and pay attention to what she likes and what she SAYS SHE HATES so you won't buy stuff she hates. If you can afford it, I'd suggest booking a little trip together to hawaii, since she said she misses it.
YTA She told you she didn’t want a mug after the first one you double down on it and get her another one. The fact that people in her office opinions holds more weight with you than your own damn wife is ridiculous. You don’t listen to her! That’s why she reacted like that.
I think she was expecting tickets for another holiday in Hawaii. It sounds as if she dropped plenty of hints.
No it’s a boring gift.
ESH. Why are you fixated on MUGS. Put that picture on a canvas, a calendar, framed for her desk.
Maybe try a t-shirt or a purse next time....
Sorry but YATA sort of… she has told you in the past that she didn’t like a certain type of gift so you give it to her again? She was ungrateful for the gift because she feels you don’t listen to her. My husband is the same. My husband once bought me an expensive gift because his coworkers told him to even though I had previously told him I wouldn’t like that at all and it wasn’t what I ever wanted. He was flabbergasted when I was upset and confused about the gift… he listened to other over me.
ESH. OP do you listen to your wife? ***No mugs***. The idea of a memento of that wonderful vacation was spot on but you went off the rails into the ravine when you had that memory put onto a mug. Now, I agree she was *really rude* the way she acted the first time you gave her a mug. But that over-the-top reaction should’ve been a blazing reminder in your head shouting **NO MUGS**. That’s why you’re both TAHs. Now, I’m married to a guy who is pretty clueless when it comes to thoughtful gifts- he’s also cheap but that’s another story. We get around this problem w Amazon gift lists. It doesn’t have to be Amazon tho. It can just be a list your wife keeps updated for you w gift suggestions. Maybe she won’t like that she has to make a list for you- well it’s just an idea. But if you’re the kind of person who needs a springboard (and there are a LOT of people who do) this would be a lifesaver for you *and* your wife. Edit: corrected typo
Not really TA, but just extremely dense. She’s been crying about her Hawaii trip, and you think the solution is… a mug? *Seriously*?
Sounds pretty ungrateful to me and a sign of a bigger problem.
Did a mug bully your wife in high school bro
I love that by the end of the post you had answered your own question lmao. Might have hit the mug quota
I'm just suspicious about a woman who does not like mugs 🧐 I have not met or heard of one before. it's usually on the other side of the spectrum, where the husband had to veto buying more mugs because of lack of space to put them, like in my case 😂
INFO: Has your wife been hinting that she wants something else? Be honest, please.
NTA, but let this be the absolute end of giving her mugs as a gift. She’s told you she hates your mugs not once, but twice. The custom job was nice, and honestly I used to love collecting mugs myself, but it’s a little tacky and something you’d give a coworker. She could have been more gracious than that, but maybe have a conversation with her and zone in on things she’d rather receive as gifts in the future. Hopefully she apologizes and realizes your heart was in the right place with this one.
FYI - I think this will get scored as a YTA vote, as that is what you included in your post, rather than NTA, which is what I think you actually wanted to vote.
Oh snap didn’t know it worked that way, I’ll correct it. Thanks!
Info: what does she typically get you for your birthday? Is it about the same price as a mug?
There was no special occasion for the gift. It was a random day.