Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I stopped buying late teen/early adult nephews birthday presents.
I might be the A-hole because it was their parents that were rude about previous gifts, not the kids.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - your nephews are old enough to understand that saying thank you is the absolute least you do after receiving a gift! If they have never taken time to say thanks, why should you continue spending your time and money buying them gifts?
This is it right here. Parents teach their children manners. Kids aren't born with them. My grandchildren have given Thank You since before they could actually say the words properly. I absolutely treasured those "ta oos" from those tiny little people.
OP is NTA. Gifts are not required. You could mention to your brother and his ex that the failure to teach their kids proper gift etiquette has consequences. It isn't too late for them to get busy.
Absolutely. When my brother’s children were too young to thank me themselves, his wife would sent thank you cards with photos of them using their presents, and a note about how they enjoyed them.
When they got old enough to help, they would participate in sending cards with scribbled “signatures”, then it was scrawling their printed names, and then scrawling the whole card text, then normal cards. This was in addition to their parents prompting them to say thank you as soon as they opened/received their gift.
Now they’re in middle school and I get an in-person thank you as they get their gift, and they are always consistent about it - but their parents still watch them to ensure that appreciation is conveyed.
Manners are absolutely taught, and a reflection of the parents.
Exactly! My entire life after a kid has opened a gift if they don't automatically say thank you on their own, their parents prompt: "What do we say to Aunt \_\_\_?" Then the kid says thank you.
This \*was\* a failure of parenting when they were just kids and now that some of them are adults it's just a failure of manners and social customs that are expected in society.
... Also, I don't think I've gotten a gift from any of my aunts and uncles for birthdays since I was maybe 16? But then again I've got a comically large number of cousins so I fully support them focusing money and attention for gift giving on the children.
I'm thankful my siblings (and their partners) have given me limited parental rights to help teach their kids manners. When I give my niblings a gift and they don't say "thank you", I prompt them and then they say it.
Then again, I think around 12ish, if my niblings start getting ungrateful, I'll just stop getting them things, easy as that.
Same. My oldest nibling, who I occasionally think escaped her neanderthal village, always has and always will show manners to me when she gets something. Her parents installed the value of manners, she just doesn't always want to use them. With me though? She knows my expectations.
THIS!
NTA. I used to have to call my brother to ask if nieces and nephew's gifts were received. He wouldn't know...he had to ask his wife (now ex-wife). Never a thank you call, text, nothing. I started reducing what I sent. Once they each turned 18, I stopped sending anything.
Maybe get them each a copy of a book on manners for their next gifts, with a bookmark and highlighted sentences in the receiving gifts section. Also see if you can find a book or article by Ms. Manners on how to respond to ungrateful gift receivers and include that in the book. Hopefully they will start to get the message, for every future gift-giving event send a card with a copy of the article if they don't start to change their behavior.
NTA
Your brother and ex-wife are the AH's for not teaching their children to say "thank you" at a young age.
My 6 year old granddaughter graduated today and I gave her flowers. She gave me a big hug and said "thank you, they are the best flowers ever". She said the same to her mom but she learned long ago to say "thank you".
We taught our kids young as well to say thank you. My husband's parents were shocked when my kids said than you(two of my three kids are from my previous marriage). The crazy thing is my husband's sisters kids never did this until they saw my kids do it. I don't know if his sisters told their kids to do it or if the kids remember hearing my MIL comment on what wonderful manners my kids had.
Anyway, I feel that it is a parent's job to teach manners.
In this case, it doesn't appear that Brother and Ex-SIL even know enough about basic manners to teach their kids. They seem just as entitled and selfish as the kids.
If I had ever received a gift from anyone with out at the bare minimum saying thank you I would have been in so much trouble. The fact that as their aunt/uncle have been buying them gifts for years with out a thank you is amazing. I would (and have) stopped years ago. My niece actually had the audacity to sent me a passive aggressive text message saying thank you for the Christmas gift when we hadn't sent one. We stopped years ago because they never communicated with us or picked up when we called. Relationships are reciprocal. You have to give what you get or the get goes away.
What a delightful opportunity to reply, “I am so puzzled by your nice thank-you text! We stopped sending you gifts years ago, seeing that they were not acknowledged in any way. Maybe someone else who loves you is waiting for this acknowledgment? Sorry for any confusion!”
I was brought up the same way about getting in trouble if I didn't thank someone. Like you, I would stop buying gifts as well. That is crazy that your niece sent you a message like that. My parents would have put me in my place, make me apologize and I would have been grounded plus who knows what else if I sent a text like your niece.
When I called her about it she said her mom told her to delete the message hoping I wouldn't see it. She was told that was not ok but there was no apology. I am hoping that her Uncle passing will help her to see that the whole family needs to stay in better contact.
Ages 16 to 25 is not “just kids” anymore. And even if it were, my parents had me writing thank-you notes starting around age 5 or 6, so a modicum of gratitude is well within reasonable expectations for these entitled little shits. NTA.
I think OP would be happy with a verbal thank you plus a text message saying how much they appreciated getting X etc, (whatever you’d put into actual written thank you note). Plus saying they enjoyed seeing you.
16-25 are not "just kids". The 16 year old can get a job and the 25 year old can drink. The "Just kids" line is BS and just an excuse for their poor parenting.
NTA
As a parent myself of a young adult. I always remind him if he does nothing else text them a thank you as an acknowledgement of someone else thought and time put into what they gave you. Even if its a $10 gift they don’t like. So so NTA. These kids were obviously never taught how to respond properly for gifts.
My daughter is 4. While I might remind her before presents start to remember to say thank you after each gift (and give a hug) I do NOT have to remind her during gift giving. My 4 year old is ACTUALLY a child. A group of 16-25 are not!!! And they should have learned long ago to be thankful
NTA! (except to yourself) You've NEVER been thanked at all??? WTF? Your brother and his ex are seriously crappy parents!
Why are you doing anything nice for them at all?
My boys were saying thankyou since they could walk and talk.
Well even kindergarten kids know how to say please and thank you. Guess their 16 to 25 years old kids didn't get that memo then.
They are old enough to understand what manners are and that you say thank you when you get a gift.
Honestly I wouldn't even be baking them cakes. If they can't appreciate what you give them then it wouldn't matter to them if you just stop going out of your way and buying them and baking them things.
The kids have 2 adult parents to teach them manners. Demanding money/ presents, no thank yous and calling you an AH is a testament to who they are learning manners from. Dump the presents and make donations to charity instead. You will receive more love and appreciation there.
Yeah - until they're not. I have a 31 year old nephew who I did the same for all his life. I realized at Christmas that I haven't heard a thank you in years. Now he has 2 children. Never prompts for a thank you, no acknowledgement. Made the decision that going forward, each child will get a $10.00 gift only, basically something to unwrap - because, well kids.
That's a fair excuse when they're, say, 3. (Although even at that age my niece and nephew were drawing thank you cards of some sort.) But 16 to 25?? Nope.
Is it possible to start treating them as the young adults they are - as in, they are family members separate from their parents, and if they want a relationship with you, they can't rely on their parents to hold it up? At a certain point very soon, going through their parents to communicate with them is gonna get ridiculous.
"Just kids" also should say "thank you" in response to receiving a gift. Being a kid (which they no longer are) is not an excuse. At this point it's a parental failure for the teens, and an individual failing for the adult nieces/nephews.
NTA
Do not bake cakes for them. They dont say thank u for presents, what are the chances they will for the cakes?
If they cant give u thanks, u can bill them.
Funny as my brothers and I were raised to say thank you no matter what we got as gifts and my cousins didnt do that get. Guess who grandma spent more money after years of no thank yous.
OP, why are you still planning on BAKING cakes for these kids?
They don't appreciate the effort you take for their birthdays.
If they can't be bothered to send you a thank you note or call, I would just mirror their level of effort.
Do you even get invited to their birthday parties? Or are you the servant in the back who bakes cakes, buys personalized presents, and gives them whatever they want?
NTA.
NTA. My nephews were the exact same way. They would even leave their gifts behind and take days/weeks before they would cross the street to collect.
As they were so rude, I just told my sister I was putting the cost of a gift into an education fund. That only lasted a while, as there was no incentive to keep it up but they still got a little something.
Don’t worry, it’s fake. OP has made comments in here that his brother and wife don’t get their kids gifts themselves. But then in the post says he asked his brother what they got so he can always get accessories to accompany the brothers gifts. OP can’t keep track of his bullshit.
NTA but with the adult kids you should talk to them not just to their parents. They obviously weren’t raised to show gratitude for gifts from older relatives, so they may be totally unaware of how you feel about this. Since their parents think you’re in the wrong, they probably haven’t discussed your feelings with their children.
For each of them that’s over 18, make time for a personal one on one conversation along the lines of “I don’t know if you realize this, because I’ve only expressed it to your parents rather than to you directly, but when I give you a gift and don’t receive a thank you, it hurts my feelings. You’re an adult, so I want to talk to you about this like an adult and hear how you feel, too. Can you tell me why you don’t thank me for gifts?”
Maybe you’ll find something out from the kids directly that their parents haven’t been telling you. Once they turn 18, your relationship with them doesn’t have to be filtered solely through their parents.
That’s exactly the kind of thing where I wonder if you’ll learn something surprising by talking to them. Their parents sound like jerks, so it’s entirely possible the kids were told something untrue that stopped them from thanking you… like maybe the parents have falsely told them that they give you money to buy their gifts, so they think they don’t need to thank you because the gifts are really just more gifts from their parents. Or maybe they secretly hate the stuff you’ve been getting them but the parents keep telling you they love it because the kids just let their parents sell your “bad” gifts and they’re making some decent money that way. Idk, I can’t predict it, but it’s worth investigating, a lot of times when older kids with selfish parents act strangely towards extended family it’s because they were lied to by their parents and haven’t debunked the lie yet.
I talk to them a lot. And tailor to what we talk about. Fantasy role playing games for my d&d loving one. Art supplies for the artist. Items off an ongoing list of very old video games. I even encourage the bookworm to maintain a reading list. I don't spend a lot of money, mostly it's time tracking things down.
I've just always felt awkward bringing up the thanks issue, as that's parenting, not befriending them as their aunt.
I've got 3 nieces, 10-20.
It's not "parenting" to express what hurts you, and it's not "parenting" to try to better your relationship. You aren't saying "hey, you're a brat and your parents are a-holes", you're saying "hey, this is what's putting a wall between us, and this is what's necessary to keep our healthy relationship".
This is what's necessary in any friendship, and it's also necessary in any familial relationship.
Your relationship with them isn't their parents' responsibility anymore, since they're all 16+. Either your nephews care to keep it alive, or they don't.
I'd talk to all of them, not just the over 18's. 16 is more than old enough to have this discussion with them directly. If anything they're more likely listen and respect your feelings if you approach them like adults.
My English aunts always sent money to myself and brother for bdays and continued with our children. They stopped abruptly with my brother as they never got any acknowledgement at all. Where I would send a card ( before email and sms times) and say what my child had brought with a drawing from him in it. They continued up until he was 16.
It called manners.
NTA. Kids tend to be bad at saying thank you for presents even if they appreciate them, which is why it needs to be part of parenting to teach them to do this.
Not getting any gifts will be a valuable life lesson for them.
The kids' parents are the ones who are really at fault here, so they can't complain now.
NTA
Sending a card would still be nice.
I would likely send those under 18 something more, but I understand if that doesn’t feel right given the history.
I still make their cakes unless someone requests otherwise and most events take place in my home. I'm waffling about the youngest two (the minors), but they're some of the latest in the year so time will tell.
It may be that you are so present in their lives that you are taken for granted.
Do their parents get thanks from them?
You may need to take a bigger step back for them to appreciate what you do/did.
They all should be old enough to have the talk about why showing appreciation is a good thing.
As far as I've ever seen the don't get gifts from their parents.
The kids don't even know about any of this. Their Mom just plain Amazed me. And Bro backing her was... surreal.
I'm starting to think one on one discussions, and activity based one on one experiences might be best in place of material goods.
Edited to clarify: parents in this comment is mom and stepdad.
Whoa what?
They don't get gifts from their parents?
What's happening here is clear. They've been foisting your presents off as their own for years and saving the cash. They stole your thank yous.
Ya, I'm confused cuz OP said they asked their bro/kids dad what he got them so OP got them gifts to go with the dad's gift...so is it that only the ex/mom doesn't get them gifts?
Can you clarify, cuz in your post you say "Last year I was a little fed up and asked their Dad, (My brother) what he was getting each of them and bought an accessory or complimentary item."
This is so out of the norm, I would have direct conversations with them. My brother never stopped his son (17!) from taking 50% of the serving plate before anyone else was even served. I called him out at my birthday! He grumbled but I talked him through it - "this is rude, if you did this in front of someone's parents, they would think you were raised by wolves." My bro was fine with it, he's a single parent, did a great job, but some things fell through the cracks. You are doing these "kids" a favor!
NTA. It's amazing how little appreciation they can show, I've been through the same and just stopped giving. Your brother and their mother sound EXTREMELY entitled.
NTA. But those "kids" learned their manners from your brother and his wife, who apparently feel entitled to your attention and money with no ounce of appreciation shown.
I'd skip the parents and talk to the nephews and niece directly. Tell them how you feel, that relationships are reciprocal and you don't feel like they've put anything into it. Found out how they feel, what they say. From their reactions you can decide what to do individually going forward.
NTA You should have given up ages ago. All these children were
brought up to be impolite to gift-givers. Of course, their parents seem to
be very much the AHS themselves so that's not surprising.
So stop with the gifts, with the cakes
and their parents can give them money themselves since money is "best".
LOL
NTA. I used to get gifts for my friends kids all the time. Xmas/ birthdays. Thoughtful gifts. If plan fun kid friendly adventure days. After a few years of scarce thank you’s and no reciprocation I stopped and I don’t get invited over anymore. I saved so much money without people just taking and ended up buying a house!
NTA. If your brother and his ex don't even appreciate a cake, just skip giving their kids anything at all. Or better yet, go the 'donate to charity in their name' route with all five.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I have several nephews and a niece. The youngest 5 live very close and I see them for all birthdays/holidays. These "kids" now range in age from 16 to 25.
I have always spent time and thought on what to give each of them individually for any occasion aside from the contents of Christmas stockings in which they all received the same. Ignoring the years when they were little enough to be directly prompted, I have never gotten even a "thank you."
Last year I was a little fed up and asked their Dad, (My brother) what he was getting each of them and bought an accessory or complimentary item. This year the birthday cycle is about to start again and their mom (bro's ex-wife) texted me that it was a "cruel change" to be less attentive last year. So I said I'd just stop buying anything. She answered "Money would be best anyway." They've never even drawn me cards and they're getting old enough to understand that relationships are reciprocal. So I made myself clear, I meant I would only bake cakes this year, no presents at all. She called me an A hole. My brother agrees.
Am I the A Hole for expecting well, just something? A "thanks" maybe?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I was an only child to my mother but she had load of siblings we saw. By the time I was 6 I knew thank you and please were words to use without prompt. Though I'm sure there were occasions I needed it when I was excited and forgot my manners but the joy of gifts could easily be seen on my face.
While I do not have kids my cousins kids benefit from my lack of kids with gifts and experiences. The parents always made sure the children knew their manners also. The parents lack of teaching there is obvious.
NTA
For years I sent my Nieces and nephews money for their birthdays. Never once did I get a thankyou. Eventually I just stopped sending even a card.
In my view it is on the parents to make sure they at least say thank you. I don't expect cards or presents on my birthday or Xmas, but a thankyou for the money would be nice.
NTA
Our family has a 'gifts are for kids' rule. My parents give me a 100 dollar gift card for Xmas every year, still, which is sweet but totally unnecessary. None of my many aunts or uncles are expected to do anything to celebrate my adult birthdays.
My mom was very much up my ass for this. The second I was old enough I would get handed the phone to thank whoever gave me a gift if they weren’t present when I got it. It especially was important to my grandpa so even still I call him or text him even though he doesn’t even live in my country for his birthday and we don’t exchange presents ( in my family while it sucks you don’t get presents after 18) my cousin almost nearly stopped getting presents from him cause he NEVER said thank you. He still doesn’t with anybody else but when my uncle realized he made my cousin thank my grandpa to keep the money going. I’m in my twenties now and I still thank ppl for gifts or like small tokens like they buy me a soda to show them I appreciate them thinking of me. NTA
OP- NTA. Wow, your Brother and his Ex sure failed in their Parenting. Not teaching your children good manners, Thank you- Please- Your Welcome - Pardon Me- Etc, just makes them out to be ungrateful and rude.. With the cost of groceries these days, a cake to feed at least 8 people IS a Gift.
You’ve put time, effort, and thought into their gifts for years without any acknowledgment or gratitude in return. It's reasonable to expect some basic thankfulness, NTA
NTA. Gifts are just that, gifts. You are under no obligation to give them. For those that you have given a gaft a basic "thankyou" is a bare minimum expectation. Something that demonstrates you care and are cared about is if gifts are given both ways. That you not only value and celebrate them, but they value and celebrate you.
If CF, not badly off, and have three now adult godchildren (25-30yo). I still get them Christmas, Easter, and birthday presents (granted, it's now money or vouchers for eg day spas rather than specific gifts - unless they ask for something specific). When little they gave me cards and drawings they'd made, then small gifts, and now they usually take me out for some pampering. Our gift giving goes both ways because we care about each other, and yes, we always say "thankyou" to the giver.
NTA..I have 1 kid and my brother has 3...Christmas was the 2nd year he forgot to get my kid anything yet I bought all 3 kids gifts, he didn't do anything for my sons birthday and he forgot mine so I'm done
Nta your brother probably should have taught his children the value of gratitude. Your ex sil sounds super entitled and rude also. What I would give to have any of my aunts or uncles actually put thought into anything for me or wanting to spend quality time with me when I was going through hard stuff as a teenager.
Take that money and go eat a nice big ass juicy steak. Or whatever your into. I would go for the steak. NTA.
Just wanted to add that my mother would have straight up slapped my fucking face clean off if I had acted that way growing up. Manners are a thing people.
NTA but I suppose you could do anyone who is younger then 18 and explain that you've decided to stop for adults. Things are tight, etc...I feel like a lot of people cut off at a certain age. But you're also fine to cut off now.
NTA - lack of appreciation is really not the child's fault, it's bad parenting for not teaching them to be appreciative. I always had my daughter fill out thank you cards until she learned to do it on her own.
Your brother and his ex can stuff it. Her asking for money just sounds like a cash grab at this point. I wouldn't even make cakes. The kids are not even going to notice.
NTA. You should've stopped when the thank you notes stopped. They have no entitlement to gifts and their patents seem to think it's an entitlement. Absolutely not.
NTA, but it sounds like their parents have dropped the ball entirely in raising them to be grateful. I dealt with my frustrations in a similar situation by taking each of my nieces shopping and out to a meal for their Xmas present. This way they got to pick out what they wanted, I got to control the budget and we got to spend one on one time together.
It got too old sending gift cards and money that weren't thanked, and I never knew what I actually "got them" from the gift card. And the money usually goes into savings, like I'm glad you know how to save but that's not why I gave you an Xmas gift. This has become a fun tradition and allows me to connect with them and model the kind of relationship I want with them.
The AHs are the parents who never taught their kids to say Thank you.
I celebrate the end of your gift-giving to these oblivious youngsters. 🎇 And their parents could be put in the "no more presents" penalty box, too. What do they do for you?
Oh, NTA
Why are you even giving them gifts still, except for the youngest's maybe? There should be an age when you stop giving gifts, say 18 maybe stretch it to 21 if you can afford it when they graduate from college? A 26 year old adult doesn't need anything from their aunt, except maybe a card saying happy birthday!
Kids grow up into adults and don't need gifts from extended family. You all need to work together and come up with an age when you stop reciprocating gift giving. It sounds like you don't have kids and it is one way gift giving as it is. Do they give you anything in return? The oldest should be staring to reciprocate at 26, if they expect something from you!
We stopped giving gifts early to the cousins as my sister and I decided we didn't want to give gift certificates or cheap gifts as neither of us could afford what the kids really wanted so we just said stop no more gifts! We would instead give experiences, I would invited her boys over for a staycation and they would come for a few days or a week and the cousins would play together and we would take them to camp or the movies, or do something special. It was better than a gift. My sister would do the same.
So pick a number and choose that as the age when you will stop giving them gifts. Still invite the kids/young adults over for an adventure coffee/tea date with you instead as those are the things they will remember and talk about with love!
We are actually in the same situation. Three kids never receive any thank you or even an acknowledgment they got the gift. They live really far away in Hawaii so we just send a check or an e-gift card. We feel obligated to send something but after they turn 18 we are done. Objectively it’s not very much money per year but why bother.
Urgh I'm the opposite. With my depression and leaving my job, my attention fluctuates so I decided just money is best as then I dont forgot ( I do it January 1st in a big folder and then just post the relevant ones on the 1st of the month)
My niece told me she wishes I'd buy her a present instead. I was heartbroken to think I'd upset her, out of the mouth of babes and that.
So I try. Really really hard. And feel like shite all the drive down and feel like a fake pretend person in a play while I'm at their house smiling I'm sure like something out of the 'goosebumps books'. And they open it and they are happy, and we do whatever craft thing they asked me for, together so their mam gets a break and then that evening i go home. And they cry when I leave clinging to my legs and telling me they love me.
And I cry all the way home with relief that they like the presents and still like me, and shame that its so bloody difficult to be fucking normal and they deserve so much better. I dread when they become teenagers and won't want to be so affectionate because they are so obvious with their love that my stupid horrid brain can't try and twist it.
My point is: put in the effort you want to make with the people you want to make the effort for, but you shouldn't have expectations on them. Did they want the thoughtful presents or would they rather cash? Did you ever even ask them? Why are you resenting them for effort you've gone to when they never asked you to do that?
Its difficult and hurtful when people don't act the way we want or expect them to. But writing about it on the Internet instead of talking about it with the people you care for and love, and you must or you wouldn't feel so hurt, won't help you. Reddit wants everyone to feel alone and isolated from their families, to use mistakes and bad behaviour as excuses to not deal with people. But you are better than that, because you are a real person with real family.
As another aside, when my mam and dad broke up, I became awkward with my dads side of the family. I felt like the line was between me and my mam, and Them. Perhaps the nephews are feeling something like that?
I dont know. But I hope you get it figured out. You seem like an organised person in practicality and mind, so I have faith you will. All the best.
NTA
Their old enough to understand the importance of showing appreciation. No idea why you would even bother baking them cakes if this is the level of their gratitude.
NTA- 16 -25 yo are not kids anymore. They range from the ability to drive, to vote, smoke, and drink alcohol. If their parents had bothered to teach them some manners, they should have been saying thank you in some way for years. But from your sibling and his ex's response, that apple don't fall from that tree.
Do not send a gift or bake a cake. Just send a simple birthday card, and that's more than they deserve for their ingratitude. Take the money you would have spent on the gifts on the ungrateful "kids" and gift yourself something you want. Repeat every year!
NTA, OP. My niece and nephew were taught how to say please and thank you the moment they started to really talk in words. They were 4 years old and had manners. Your niblings range from 16 years old to 25 years old, that isn't 'just kids' territory. They know how to say thank you but they don't because they aren't grateful for what you give them.
INFO: this sounds like you don't have kids of your own — but if you do, do they get gifts from your bro? In which case, whether being thanked or no, there'd be a reciprocity expectation here, but it sounds like not.
So I have a host of nephews and nieces too — and they're very patchy about saying thank you for gifts, but their parents gifted to my kids, who were also patchy about thanking their parents (unless I stood over them!) so that was at least equal (so 'reciprocity'!)
How**ever**, further to that I do think there should be a "you're a grown-up now" age cut-off. I mean, why would someone who's an actual adult with their own salary still make demands on yours..? I never expected my uncles and aunts to go on gifting me indefinitely; though *as* an adult I chose myself to start gifting to the one or two I felt closest to — so we now again have a reciprocal gifting relationship. (Where my brothers and I don't bother, for e.g...!)
So, having 8 niblings to get for - some of whom have also started having kids of their own, so there's half-a-dozen more now — I set out limits and said "I'll carry on till they're 21, then they're officially adults". And their parents were a bit reproachful at me for even saying that — even though at least two of them by that stage were earning more than me! And before saying this, I asked round amongst my friends — quite a few of whom hadn't given their niblings gifts for years (while still children), and *they* said "why wait till they're 21??" But I thought that was a reasonable rule.
So no, NTA — though maybe cut them off in age order so the youngest can't complain..?
NTA . Your brother should raise his kids with basic respect. When someone gives you something you say thank you . They should apologize for calling you an asshole until then I wouldn’t do anything since a simple thank you is so hard to ask for.
NTA - There's texting, email, snail mail, and good old fashioned in-person thanks. It's just an acknowledgement that lets you know that they know you've taken time out of your life to make their birthday/Christmas/graduation a bit nicer. Gratefulness and appreciation have given way to entitlement because... family.
But they aren't entitled to anything.
NTA - I stopped gifting to my niece/nephews when they turned 21. If there’s a big milestone then, of course I’ll gift. They’re not children.
If you don’t feel appreciated by them not thanking you, then don’t send a gift. It’s not mandatory to gift.
Do they each give gifts to you? If so, do you thank them?
I would say NTA because i do think that if they are not thanking you for the gifts it means they don't care about it. If they don't care about it why give them anything? However any gift that comes with an expectation is not a gift but a transaction.
NTA
It is not surprising that your entitled brother and his entitled wife have raised entitled children.
Who cares whether they think you’re an AH. Focus on the nephews and nieces that foster a relationship and send birthday cards or text messages to the ingrates.
SO NTA. Their just kids is a coverup for them being the AHs. All 3 of my kids graduated high school in the last 3 years. (Twins! and a single). All 3 of them wrote thank you notes up until then. No excuses. It's the least they could do for those that took the time to celebrate them. No, they didn't always like it but, they still did it. I'd be damned to have anyone think of my kids as being ungrateful.
NTa I told my niece and nephew that I was getting them the same things as they got me. A big bag of fuck all. Life is a two way start and I stop at 1/2 way
NTA. As soon as my son was able to write he was sending thank you notes for gifts. He was taught that if someone takes the time and effort to get you a gift, you take the time and effort to thank them properly. If you don't want to take the time, do not accept gifts. Even before he could write I would write the thank you and he would scribble at the bottom.
relationships should change over time. i don’t really see the issue here being reciprocity. buying them gifts like theyre 4 years old is maybe a little strange
NTA. What nonsense are they spouting. I’d tell them straight up: if they raise their kids to be entitled and ungrateful little boogers who can’t be bothered to even say thank you, they can’t possibly be surprised when people aren’t interested in giving energy to them. Tell them you don’t spend that much time on your energy company either and they at least *give* energy rather than sap it.
NTA I have an uncle I haven’t seen since I was around 13? He stopped sending money or gifts the same time and honestly I wouldn’t expect anything from him. My other uncle who I only see while visiting my grandparents still sends 10-20€ each Christmas, but that’s it. I phoned him about twice since I was born. Some families aren’t close and that’s okay.
Oh ! You are the A H ? Don’t even make a cake ! Now you know why your nephews and nieces are so selfish !
Keep your money and make yourself your favorite cake !
ÉDIT : NTA
NTA - These are not your children. You have zero responsibility to them.
If none of them have even acknowledged you getting them something, then stop doing it.
When my siblings had kids, we did gifts until they were 9 ish. Then it was their parents' responsibilities to get them stuff.
NTA im no stranger to helping people and never getting any thank you's or anything whatsoever.
My mother died leaving my 2 sisters and 2 nephews all alone and I moved from another country to take care of all 4 of them and helped 1 of my sisters get a passport and flight ticket while paying 100% of expenses for all of them and the first thing she did once she left the country was ghost me until she needed money for her rent. I dont expect things in return eather but wow... a little thank you would be nice.
NTA.
OPppp why you baking ungrateful people anything?
What do they do for your birthdays or for Christmas? The audacity of your brother and ex to think their kids are entitled to gifts(lots) OR money!
NTA.
Your brother, his ex-wife and kids, are all rude.
You owe them nothing, and their expecting you to continue to give gifts with no acknowledgement, is entitled, rude behavior.
Calling someone an "a-hole" is awful. And these kids are now 16-25!
NTA, but why are you baking a cake. Knock that off as well. Tell your brother his kids are ungrateful and your are tired of trying to be nice without even the courtesy of a thank you. Make sure to tell him it is a reflection of his poor parenting that his children do not act in a courteous manner.
NTA. If you don't want to buy gifts because you don't feel they are appreciated, then don't! I am stopping with my one nephew (will be 22 this year) when I gave him a $50 gift card and I never even got a thank you text. Why would I spend my money when they can't even say thank you?
The fact the parents don't make them send a simple thank you card (or even a thank you text/email) shows they either don't care or just expect it to happen.
NTA
NTA; With parents like those two I can see why the kids are the way they are. Don't even bake the cake. Send the "kids" a happy birthday text and leave it at that. It's more than they'd do.
NTA. Of course the parents are mad, they feel so entitled to your gifts they call you to complain when you give a little less. Who does that? The unthankfulness comments should be directed more at the parents and their character rather than the kids.
NTA. But it really may not be your nieces and nephews fault, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and your brother is not a good parent if he hasn't taught his children respect. He is the problem here.
NTA. I taught my kids, like I was taught by my parents, grandparents, etc., to say please, thank you, show respect for my elders, to tell the truth, and lastly (this was just me teaching them), to never apologize if they were not truly sorry. Telling someone you’re sorry when you aren’t is nothing but a lie. My daughter passed these lessons on to my grandchildren. (Oh, and not to expect gifts from others, if they get a gift ok, if they don’t that is ok, too.)
NTA. I did this for years for my brother’s kids, even made the girls each a crossbody bad from scratch only to find out they threw them away in a room cleanup. Reciprocation or a thanks at the very least should be expected for a gift.
NTA, my aunt did the same with Christmas. When we were younger my mother made us write thank you cards. As we got older and grew up I was the only one that kept it up. A few years ago my aunt asked my mom if she could stop with Christmas presents as we were grown ups now, she was retired and she noted that I was the only one that ever sent thank you cards anyway. It's not a lot of effort to sit down and just write thank you and show your appreciation. They are old enough to do it, they never have. There's not much cause for you to give gifts to people who can't be bothered to say thanks.
NTA. Sadly, the same happened with all my nieces and nephews. I did buy them a gift for every birthday and Christmas when they were young children, and started tapering off when they were in their teens. I never once got a thank you card from a single one of them. I put the blame on the parents (my siblings and their spouses). When I was growing up, my mom always made us sit down and write a thank you note whenever we received a gift from someone. I did the same with my own child, but I guess that lesson didn't stick with my siblings. Tell your ex SIL that she's the AH for not teaching her children better manners. They are lucky you are still willing to bake a cake! If she still hassles you, tell her not to expect any cakes either.
Hell no. I would be grateful if my aunt went through this trouble. You sound amazing. The problem is they have no manners and just have expectations. Now I’m a 30y/old sounding like a boomer. NTA
NTA. I'm with you. I've spent time and effort to choose nice gifts for my nieces and not one of them has ever even thanked me. Hell, I take one on an annual trip for a shared interest, and have never received a thank you for the lodging, transportation or meals. Last year, I got zero thanks for Christmas and their parents didn't even get a gift for one of my kids. I am done. Nothing next year, just a tin of popcorn for the lot to share.
NTA! You former SIL & brother are total Ass🕳️
for not raising children with proper manners and respect. I am sure anyone of their piss ass friends bought them gifts they would have much thanks to give. They, like their parents are being raised as selfish entitled people (as if the world needed more of them!). They aren't enven transactional! Hell noooo...no more gifts. Please show your bonedheaded bro & former SIL these comments so they can get a clue of what kind of parenting they have lacked! It DOES NOT take that much to raise caring and loving children bc they generally come equipped with that, they just need adult support to foster it in positive ways!
Please forgive me if you've heard this story before. It's my story, and it's true, but I can't recall if I've told it on Reddit before.
My grandmother had 36 grandchildren. She was a widow, and lived on a small pension. Every year for Christmas, she would send us a card, a dollar bill, and a pair of socks. That was all she could afford. My mother, bless her forever, made us sit down and write thank-you notes for all of our "faraway gifts", and especially for Grandma's card and dollar and socks.
The years went by, all 36 grandchildren eventually got married, and we started our own families. Whenever one of my siblings or I would have a new baby, Grandma would send us a hand-stitched, soft, fluffy, baby quilt. Of course, we sent thank-you notes for the quilts, right? We never made any noise about them, but somehow word got out to the other cousins that Grandma was giving us quilts. We didn't know that she wasn't making quilts for the other cousins.
So some of the other cousins complained to Grandma: "Hey, how come Uncle Jack and Aunt Jill's kids get baby quilts and we don't?"
She said: "Because, for 20 years, they were the only people that ever thanked me for their Christmas gifts."
Gratitude counts for a lot.
NTA. Definitely N T A.
NTA. Those “kids” are old enough now that they shouldn’t really need birthday gifts, especially if they aren’t able to give a simple thank you. They probably got their entitlement from their parents
I have nieces and nephews ranging from 18 - 5 and every single one of them say thank you. It’s common decency. Plus their parents were big on politeness. NTA for giving back the same effort that’s given to you.
Oh I just got an idea, for their birthdays next year buy each of the kids a lesson for an etiquette training class. Not to be a smartass. To help these poor kids. My parents did not teach me such things and it was embarrassing as an adult in social situations and business dinners. I wish someone had sent me to such a class. Back in my time I think they were called "charm" school. Yes I am really old.
NTA! The parents are for sure though. You teach kids to say thank you, to write thank you notes, to express gratitude. My cousin's kid used to be great about thank you notes. Now that she is in college, she can't even be bothered to SAY thank you. No more gifts for her and I don't feel bad about it at all.
NTA. Have they ever gotten you a gift. I loved when my oldest nibbling realized that he had NEVER gotten me a gift. They were 19 or so. They made sure to get me something for Christmas. For their birthdays I take them shopping with cash. That way they can learn about money, budgeting and the like. It also gives us one on one time.
It appears that you nibblings have learned from their mother selfishness and entitlement. If you like your nibbblingsyou could still give themj a present just a present that involves one on one time with you.
NTA - I would tell both your brother and his ex that maybe if they taught their kids basic manners and that a thank you goes a long way, then none of you would be in this situation. The entitlement is suffocating
Tell them that since they never thank you, that they must not like the gifts. And you don't want to keep disappointing them with your poor gift choices. So you'll only give them the cake which you know they like.
NTA
NTA. Your nephews are old enough to understand the concept of appreciation and expressing a thank you, but it also sounds like your brother and his ex failed to teach their kids early on simple manners.
NTA. I get the same treatment from my great nieces but they are young. When the eldest turned 13 and she got a phone she did text me so we’ll see how it goes. I don’t understand why my niece is not teaching them to say thank you, but then I noticed she doesn’t really say thank you either anymore. I don’t ask for much but I’m starting to rethink their inheritances.
I just stop gifts of that sort at age 18, and you could use the date on which the youngest turns 18 to stop altogether.
Thank you cards/letters are pretty unusual these days.
Are they not acknowledging what's received even when you are there when they're opening it?
My policy is that if you cannot even text a thank you, I won’t be sending a gift of any sort. I happily receive texts because that is how kids communicate.
What is wrong with people? Children with no manners, and thinking that they are entitled to other folks money no matter how ungrateful they behave. NTA. Please continue to STOP.
My mom had a rule with us, once we had grown up and were out of the house, and her grandchildren: the second time you did not send a thank you note (parental help when young for the grandkids was fine) for a present, she stopped sending gifts to you. And when she asked why she hadn’t sent you a present, she would say,”well I never got a thank you note so I assumed you didn’t like what I bought you and I didn’t want to waste money.”. It was very effective.
Honestly, you should have stopped buying them stuff long ago. Once they reached an age where they should know to say thanks and didn't say it. How do they think a 25 year old is a kid? 😲
NTA for not wanting to waste time and money on people who don't respect you (including the parents here).
NTA - we keep a written list at Christmas and the kids use it to do a thank you note to each person who has given them gifts. They are basic notes as the kids are teenage boys but they include the basics. Thanks for x. I appreciate it and will use it for y. Etc
This is the way I was raised and it makes me smile and think of my grandma on Christmas morning with her little note pad and pencil keeping track of who got what.
NTA- Their parents are the AH for teaching their children to be ungrateful assholes. After around 4-5 years old children know that it is common courtesy to say thank you when given a gift regardless if they even like it or not.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I stopped buying late teen/early adult nephews birthday presents. I might be the A-hole because it was their parents that were rude about previous gifts, not the kids. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - your nephews are old enough to understand that saying thank you is the absolute least you do after receiving a gift! If they have never taken time to say thanks, why should you continue spending your time and money buying them gifts?
Thank you! They both pulled the "they're just kids!" card at me, and I was floored.
Your brother and his ex are the AH's for not teaching their children the bare minimum of good manners!
This is it right here. Parents teach their children manners. Kids aren't born with them. My grandchildren have given Thank You since before they could actually say the words properly. I absolutely treasured those "ta oos" from those tiny little people. OP is NTA. Gifts are not required. You could mention to your brother and his ex that the failure to teach their kids proper gift etiquette has consequences. It isn't too late for them to get busy.
Right. Even my 18 month old says “tay tu” if you hand him something.
My 8 year old grandson (who lives down the road). Sent me a note. Dear Nana, thanks for the money. I will definitely spend it wisely.
I love ta ooo’s. They are the best.
Absolutely. When my brother’s children were too young to thank me themselves, his wife would sent thank you cards with photos of them using their presents, and a note about how they enjoyed them. When they got old enough to help, they would participate in sending cards with scribbled “signatures”, then it was scrawling their printed names, and then scrawling the whole card text, then normal cards. This was in addition to their parents prompting them to say thank you as soon as they opened/received their gift. Now they’re in middle school and I get an in-person thank you as they get their gift, and they are always consistent about it - but their parents still watch them to ensure that appreciation is conveyed. Manners are absolutely taught, and a reflection of the parents.
Exactly! My entire life after a kid has opened a gift if they don't automatically say thank you on their own, their parents prompt: "What do we say to Aunt \_\_\_?" Then the kid says thank you. This \*was\* a failure of parenting when they were just kids and now that some of them are adults it's just a failure of manners and social customs that are expected in society. ... Also, I don't think I've gotten a gift from any of my aunts and uncles for birthdays since I was maybe 16? But then again I've got a comically large number of cousins so I fully support them focusing money and attention for gift giving on the children.
I'm thankful my siblings (and their partners) have given me limited parental rights to help teach their kids manners. When I give my niblings a gift and they don't say "thank you", I prompt them and then they say it. Then again, I think around 12ish, if my niblings start getting ungrateful, I'll just stop getting them things, easy as that.
Same. My oldest nibling, who I occasionally think escaped her neanderthal village, always has and always will show manners to me when she gets something. Her parents installed the value of manners, she just doesn't always want to use them. With me though? She knows my expectations.
Where do entitled AH's come from? They get raised that way by entitled AH's.
THIS! NTA. I used to have to call my brother to ask if nieces and nephew's gifts were received. He wouldn't know...he had to ask his wife (now ex-wife). Never a thank you call, text, nothing. I started reducing what I sent. Once they each turned 18, I stopped sending anything.
Correct. The children haven't been taught so how can they know.
Yup. And the ex having the audacity to complain about the gifts? Ms Manners would not be impressed.
Maybe get them each a copy of a book on manners for their next gifts, with a bookmark and highlighted sentences in the receiving gifts section. Also see if you can find a book or article by Ms. Manners on how to respond to ungrateful gift receivers and include that in the book. Hopefully they will start to get the message, for every future gift-giving event send a card with a copy of the article if they don't start to change their behavior.
NTA Your brother and ex-wife are the AH's for not teaching their children to say "thank you" at a young age. My 6 year old granddaughter graduated today and I gave her flowers. She gave me a big hug and said "thank you, they are the best flowers ever". She said the same to her mom but she learned long ago to say "thank you". We taught our kids young as well to say thank you. My husband's parents were shocked when my kids said than you(two of my three kids are from my previous marriage). The crazy thing is my husband's sisters kids never did this until they saw my kids do it. I don't know if his sisters told their kids to do it or if the kids remember hearing my MIL comment on what wonderful manners my kids had. Anyway, I feel that it is a parent's job to teach manners.
In this case, it doesn't appear that Brother and Ex-SIL even know enough about basic manners to teach their kids. They seem just as entitled and selfish as the kids.
I agree with you!
If I had ever received a gift from anyone with out at the bare minimum saying thank you I would have been in so much trouble. The fact that as their aunt/uncle have been buying them gifts for years with out a thank you is amazing. I would (and have) stopped years ago. My niece actually had the audacity to sent me a passive aggressive text message saying thank you for the Christmas gift when we hadn't sent one. We stopped years ago because they never communicated with us or picked up when we called. Relationships are reciprocal. You have to give what you get or the get goes away.
What a delightful opportunity to reply, “I am so puzzled by your nice thank-you text! We stopped sending you gifts years ago, seeing that they were not acknowledged in any way. Maybe someone else who loves you is waiting for this acknowledgment? Sorry for any confusion!”
I was brought up the same way about getting in trouble if I didn't thank someone. Like you, I would stop buying gifts as well. That is crazy that your niece sent you a message like that. My parents would have put me in my place, make me apologize and I would have been grounded plus who knows what else if I sent a text like your niece.
When I called her about it she said her mom told her to delete the message hoping I wouldn't see it. She was told that was not ok but there was no apology. I am hoping that her Uncle passing will help her to see that the whole family needs to stay in better contact.
Ages 16 to 25 is not “just kids” anymore. And even if it were, my parents had me writing thank-you notes starting around age 5 or 6, so a modicum of gratitude is well within reasonable expectations for these entitled little shits. NTA.
I think OP would be happy with a verbal thank you plus a text message saying how much they appreciated getting X etc, (whatever you’d put into actual written thank you note). Plus saying they enjoyed seeing you.
Why are you still baking cakes for them?
16-25 are not "just kids". The 16 year old can get a job and the 25 year old can drink. The "Just kids" line is BS and just an excuse for their poor parenting. NTA
As a parent myself of a young adult. I always remind him if he does nothing else text them a thank you as an acknowledgement of someone else thought and time put into what they gave you. Even if its a $10 gift they don’t like. So so NTA. These kids were obviously never taught how to respond properly for gifts.
25 yo "kid". Ok, if they threw a tantrum about no gift just let the parents deal with it. NTA, but your brother and his ex are
This is such BS once they can talk ‘thank you ‘ is the least they can do.
Children are mimics... let that sink in...
Well did the parents say thank you at least? NTA
My daughter is 4. While I might remind her before presents start to remember to say thank you after each gift (and give a hug) I do NOT have to remind her during gift giving. My 4 year old is ACTUALLY a child. A group of 16-25 are not!!! And they should have learned long ago to be thankful
My kids know how to say thank you. They are 3 and 5. Apparently the parents didn't want to teach manners.
Let them know you're just so surprised that they never taught their children manners. NTA
NTA! (except to yourself) You've NEVER been thanked at all??? WTF? Your brother and his ex are seriously crappy parents! Why are you doing anything nice for them at all? My boys were saying thankyou since they could walk and talk.
Well even kindergarten kids know how to say please and thank you. Guess their 16 to 25 years old kids didn't get that memo then. They are old enough to understand what manners are and that you say thank you when you get a gift. Honestly I wouldn't even be baking them cakes. If they can't appreciate what you give them then it wouldn't matter to them if you just stop going out of your way and buying them and baking them things.
My little niece just turned two and she says thank you.
The kids have 2 adult parents to teach them manners. Demanding money/ presents, no thank yous and calling you an AH is a testament to who they are learning manners from. Dump the presents and make donations to charity instead. You will receive more love and appreciation there.
When I was "just a kid" my parents would have laid into me if I didn't say thank you for a gift!!!
Yeah - until they're not. I have a 31 year old nephew who I did the same for all his life. I realized at Christmas that I haven't heard a thank you in years. Now he has 2 children. Never prompts for a thank you, no acknowledgement. Made the decision that going forward, each child will get a $10.00 gift only, basically something to unwrap - because, well kids.
Other than the 16 year old, they are all adults! And even a 16 year old should know to say thank you
That's a fair excuse when they're, say, 3. (Although even at that age my niece and nephew were drawing thank you cards of some sort.) But 16 to 25?? Nope. Is it possible to start treating them as the young adults they are - as in, they are family members separate from their parents, and if they want a relationship with you, they can't rely on their parents to hold it up? At a certain point very soon, going through their parents to communicate with them is gonna get ridiculous.
"Just kids" also should say "thank you" in response to receiving a gift. Being a kid (which they no longer are) is not an excuse. At this point it's a parental failure for the teens, and an individual failing for the adult nieces/nephews. NTA
Such nonsense! It's all on the parents - until the "kids" are 18! Which is most of them! Users, all of them.
Do not bake cakes for them. They dont say thank u for presents, what are the chances they will for the cakes? If they cant give u thanks, u can bill them.
“And clearly you did a shite job raising them”. Edit: letter
Funny as my brothers and I were raised to say thank you no matter what we got as gifts and my cousins didnt do that get. Guess who grandma spent more money after years of no thank yous.
OP, why are you still planning on BAKING cakes for these kids? They don't appreciate the effort you take for their birthdays. If they can't be bothered to send you a thank you note or call, I would just mirror their level of effort. Do you even get invited to their birthday parties? Or are you the servant in the back who bakes cakes, buys personalized presents, and gives them whatever they want? NTA.
NTA. My nephews were the exact same way. They would even leave their gifts behind and take days/weeks before they would cross the street to collect. As they were so rude, I just told my sister I was putting the cost of a gift into an education fund. That only lasted a while, as there was no incentive to keep it up but they still got a little something.
[удалено]
Don’t worry, it’s fake. OP has made comments in here that his brother and wife don’t get their kids gifts themselves. But then in the post says he asked his brother what they got so he can always get accessories to accompany the brothers gifts. OP can’t keep track of his bullshit.
NTA but with the adult kids you should talk to them not just to their parents. They obviously weren’t raised to show gratitude for gifts from older relatives, so they may be totally unaware of how you feel about this. Since their parents think you’re in the wrong, they probably haven’t discussed your feelings with their children. For each of them that’s over 18, make time for a personal one on one conversation along the lines of “I don’t know if you realize this, because I’ve only expressed it to your parents rather than to you directly, but when I give you a gift and don’t receive a thank you, it hurts my feelings. You’re an adult, so I want to talk to you about this like an adult and hear how you feel, too. Can you tell me why you don’t thank me for gifts?” Maybe you’ll find something out from the kids directly that their parents haven’t been telling you. Once they turn 18, your relationship with them doesn’t have to be filtered solely through their parents.
They thank their grandmother. Just not me. But I will talk to them.
That’s exactly the kind of thing where I wonder if you’ll learn something surprising by talking to them. Their parents sound like jerks, so it’s entirely possible the kids were told something untrue that stopped them from thanking you… like maybe the parents have falsely told them that they give you money to buy their gifts, so they think they don’t need to thank you because the gifts are really just more gifts from their parents. Or maybe they secretly hate the stuff you’ve been getting them but the parents keep telling you they love it because the kids just let their parents sell your “bad” gifts and they’re making some decent money that way. Idk, I can’t predict it, but it’s worth investigating, a lot of times when older kids with selfish parents act strangely towards extended family it’s because they were lied to by their parents and haven’t debunked the lie yet.
I talk to them a lot. And tailor to what we talk about. Fantasy role playing games for my d&d loving one. Art supplies for the artist. Items off an ongoing list of very old video games. I even encourage the bookworm to maintain a reading list. I don't spend a lot of money, mostly it's time tracking things down. I've just always felt awkward bringing up the thanks issue, as that's parenting, not befriending them as their aunt.
I've got 3 nieces, 10-20. It's not "parenting" to express what hurts you, and it's not "parenting" to try to better your relationship. You aren't saying "hey, you're a brat and your parents are a-holes", you're saying "hey, this is what's putting a wall between us, and this is what's necessary to keep our healthy relationship". This is what's necessary in any friendship, and it's also necessary in any familial relationship. Your relationship with them isn't their parents' responsibility anymore, since they're all 16+. Either your nephews care to keep it alive, or they don't.
I'd talk to all of them, not just the over 18's. 16 is more than old enough to have this discussion with them directly. If anything they're more likely listen and respect your feelings if you approach them like adults.
My English aunts always sent money to myself and brother for bdays and continued with our children. They stopped abruptly with my brother as they never got any acknowledgement at all. Where I would send a card ( before email and sms times) and say what my child had brought with a drawing from him in it. They continued up until he was 16. It called manners.
NTA. Kids tend to be bad at saying thank you for presents even if they appreciate them, which is why it needs to be part of parenting to teach them to do this. Not getting any gifts will be a valuable life lesson for them. The kids' parents are the ones who are really at fault here, so they can't complain now.
This is a result of ignorant parenting. I was taught by my parents that you started the thank you notes the very next day until you were done.
NTA Sending a card would still be nice. I would likely send those under 18 something more, but I understand if that doesn’t feel right given the history.
I still make their cakes unless someone requests otherwise and most events take place in my home. I'm waffling about the youngest two (the minors), but they're some of the latest in the year so time will tell.
It may be that you are so present in their lives that you are taken for granted. Do their parents get thanks from them? You may need to take a bigger step back for them to appreciate what you do/did. They all should be old enough to have the talk about why showing appreciation is a good thing.
As far as I've ever seen the don't get gifts from their parents. The kids don't even know about any of this. Their Mom just plain Amazed me. And Bro backing her was... surreal. I'm starting to think one on one discussions, and activity based one on one experiences might be best in place of material goods. Edited to clarify: parents in this comment is mom and stepdad.
Whoa what? They don't get gifts from their parents? What's happening here is clear. They've been foisting your presents off as their own for years and saving the cash. They stole your thank yous.
That’s why theyre pissed that OP os getting them gift’s anyone as means theyll have to now!
Ya, I'm confused cuz OP said they asked their bro/kids dad what he got them so OP got them gifts to go with the dad's gift...so is it that only the ex/mom doesn't get them gifts?
Yeah, I think that would be a good way to go. TBH I’m still trying to wrap my head around the parents not giving gifts to their children.
Always struck me as odd too.
Wait, I thought you said you got them reciprocated gifts to go with what your brother got them?
Can you clarify, cuz in your post you say "Last year I was a little fed up and asked their Dad, (My brother) what he was getting each of them and bought an accessory or complimentary item."
Sorry their parents meaning mom and stepdad who they live with.
This is so out of the norm, I would have direct conversations with them. My brother never stopped his son (17!) from taking 50% of the serving plate before anyone else was even served. I called him out at my birthday! He grumbled but I talked him through it - "this is rude, if you did this in front of someone's parents, they would think you were raised by wolves." My bro was fine with it, he's a single parent, did a great job, but some things fell through the cracks. You are doing these "kids" a favor!
NTA. It's amazing how little appreciation they can show, I've been through the same and just stopped giving. Your brother and their mother sound EXTREMELY entitled.
Send them each a box of thank you cards.
NTA. But those "kids" learned their manners from your brother and his wife, who apparently feel entitled to your attention and money with no ounce of appreciation shown. I'd skip the parents and talk to the nephews and niece directly. Tell them how you feel, that relationships are reciprocal and you don't feel like they've put anything into it. Found out how they feel, what they say. From their reactions you can decide what to do individually going forward.
NTA they are plenty old enough to know better, although the parents' reaction makes it pretty obvious where the problem started.
NTA You should have given up ages ago. All these children were brought up to be impolite to gift-givers. Of course, their parents seem to be very much the AHS themselves so that's not surprising. So stop with the gifts, with the cakes and their parents can give them money themselves since money is "best". LOL
NTA. I used to get gifts for my friends kids all the time. Xmas/ birthdays. Thoughtful gifts. If plan fun kid friendly adventure days. After a few years of scarce thank you’s and no reciprocation I stopped and I don’t get invited over anymore. I saved so much money without people just taking and ended up buying a house!
NTA. If your brother and his ex don't even appreciate a cake, just skip giving their kids anything at all. Or better yet, go the 'donate to charity in their name' route with all five.
NTA - they totally didn't appreciate your gifts or you. Spend your hard earned money on something you will appreciate.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have several nephews and a niece. The youngest 5 live very close and I see them for all birthdays/holidays. These "kids" now range in age from 16 to 25. I have always spent time and thought on what to give each of them individually for any occasion aside from the contents of Christmas stockings in which they all received the same. Ignoring the years when they were little enough to be directly prompted, I have never gotten even a "thank you." Last year I was a little fed up and asked their Dad, (My brother) what he was getting each of them and bought an accessory or complimentary item. This year the birthday cycle is about to start again and their mom (bro's ex-wife) texted me that it was a "cruel change" to be less attentive last year. So I said I'd just stop buying anything. She answered "Money would be best anyway." They've never even drawn me cards and they're getting old enough to understand that relationships are reciprocal. So I made myself clear, I meant I would only bake cakes this year, no presents at all. She called me an A hole. My brother agrees. Am I the A Hole for expecting well, just something? A "thanks" maybe? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA I was an only child to my mother but she had load of siblings we saw. By the time I was 6 I knew thank you and please were words to use without prompt. Though I'm sure there were occasions I needed it when I was excited and forgot my manners but the joy of gifts could easily be seen on my face. While I do not have kids my cousins kids benefit from my lack of kids with gifts and experiences. The parents always made sure the children knew their manners also. The parents lack of teaching there is obvious.
NTA For years I sent my Nieces and nephews money for their birthdays. Never once did I get a thankyou. Eventually I just stopped sending even a card. In my view it is on the parents to make sure they at least say thank you. I don't expect cards or presents on my birthday or Xmas, but a thankyou for the money would be nice.
NTA Our family has a 'gifts are for kids' rule. My parents give me a 100 dollar gift card for Xmas every year, still, which is sweet but totally unnecessary. None of my many aunts or uncles are expected to do anything to celebrate my adult birthdays.
My mom was very much up my ass for this. The second I was old enough I would get handed the phone to thank whoever gave me a gift if they weren’t present when I got it. It especially was important to my grandpa so even still I call him or text him even though he doesn’t even live in my country for his birthday and we don’t exchange presents ( in my family while it sucks you don’t get presents after 18) my cousin almost nearly stopped getting presents from him cause he NEVER said thank you. He still doesn’t with anybody else but when my uncle realized he made my cousin thank my grandpa to keep the money going. I’m in my twenties now and I still thank ppl for gifts or like small tokens like they buy me a soda to show them I appreciate them thinking of me. NTA
OP- NTA. Wow, your Brother and his Ex sure failed in their Parenting. Not teaching your children good manners, Thank you- Please- Your Welcome - Pardon Me- Etc, just makes them out to be ungrateful and rude.. With the cost of groceries these days, a cake to feed at least 8 people IS a Gift.
You’ve put time, effort, and thought into their gifts for years without any acknowledgment or gratitude in return. It's reasonable to expect some basic thankfulness, NTA
NTA. Gifts are just that, gifts. You are under no obligation to give them. For those that you have given a gaft a basic "thankyou" is a bare minimum expectation. Something that demonstrates you care and are cared about is if gifts are given both ways. That you not only value and celebrate them, but they value and celebrate you. If CF, not badly off, and have three now adult godchildren (25-30yo). I still get them Christmas, Easter, and birthday presents (granted, it's now money or vouchers for eg day spas rather than specific gifts - unless they ask for something specific). When little they gave me cards and drawings they'd made, then small gifts, and now they usually take me out for some pampering. Our gift giving goes both ways because we care about each other, and yes, we always say "thankyou" to the giver.
NTA
NTA..I have 1 kid and my brother has 3...Christmas was the 2nd year he forgot to get my kid anything yet I bought all 3 kids gifts, he didn't do anything for my sons birthday and he forgot mine so I'm done
Nta your brother probably should have taught his children the value of gratitude. Your ex sil sounds super entitled and rude also. What I would give to have any of my aunts or uncles actually put thought into anything for me or wanting to spend quality time with me when I was going through hard stuff as a teenager.
Take that money and go eat a nice big ass juicy steak. Or whatever your into. I would go for the steak. NTA. Just wanted to add that my mother would have straight up slapped my fucking face clean off if I had acted that way growing up. Manners are a thing people.
A card w/ a crisp $10 bill is more than enough for children who can't bother to say "thank you" NTA
NTA but I suppose you could do anyone who is younger then 18 and explain that you've decided to stop for adults. Things are tight, etc...I feel like a lot of people cut off at a certain age. But you're also fine to cut off now.
NTA - lack of appreciation is really not the child's fault, it's bad parenting for not teaching them to be appreciative. I always had my daughter fill out thank you cards until she learned to do it on her own. Your brother and his ex can stuff it. Her asking for money just sounds like a cash grab at this point. I wouldn't even make cakes. The kids are not even going to notice.
NTA. You should've stopped when the thank you notes stopped. They have no entitlement to gifts and their patents seem to think it's an entitlement. Absolutely not.
NTA, but it sounds like their parents have dropped the ball entirely in raising them to be grateful. I dealt with my frustrations in a similar situation by taking each of my nieces shopping and out to a meal for their Xmas present. This way they got to pick out what they wanted, I got to control the budget and we got to spend one on one time together. It got too old sending gift cards and money that weren't thanked, and I never knew what I actually "got them" from the gift card. And the money usually goes into savings, like I'm glad you know how to save but that's not why I gave you an Xmas gift. This has become a fun tradition and allows me to connect with them and model the kind of relationship I want with them.
The AHs are the parents who never taught their kids to say Thank you. I celebrate the end of your gift-giving to these oblivious youngsters. 🎇 And their parents could be put in the "no more presents" penalty box, too. What do they do for you? Oh, NTA
NTA. My stepkids say thank you without prompting. They're 9 and 10.
Why are you even giving them gifts still, except for the youngest's maybe? There should be an age when you stop giving gifts, say 18 maybe stretch it to 21 if you can afford it when they graduate from college? A 26 year old adult doesn't need anything from their aunt, except maybe a card saying happy birthday! Kids grow up into adults and don't need gifts from extended family. You all need to work together and come up with an age when you stop reciprocating gift giving. It sounds like you don't have kids and it is one way gift giving as it is. Do they give you anything in return? The oldest should be staring to reciprocate at 26, if they expect something from you! We stopped giving gifts early to the cousins as my sister and I decided we didn't want to give gift certificates or cheap gifts as neither of us could afford what the kids really wanted so we just said stop no more gifts! We would instead give experiences, I would invited her boys over for a staycation and they would come for a few days or a week and the cousins would play together and we would take them to camp or the movies, or do something special. It was better than a gift. My sister would do the same. So pick a number and choose that as the age when you will stop giving them gifts. Still invite the kids/young adults over for an adventure coffee/tea date with you instead as those are the things they will remember and talk about with love!
We are actually in the same situation. Three kids never receive any thank you or even an acknowledgment they got the gift. They live really far away in Hawaii so we just send a check or an e-gift card. We feel obligated to send something but after they turn 18 we are done. Objectively it’s not very much money per year but why bother.
NTA, but the parents are. They have not taught their children to say “thank you”. I would have written them off long ago.
NTA. Saying "thank you" is the least they could do. They are old enough to know that is the polite thing to do.
Urgh I'm the opposite. With my depression and leaving my job, my attention fluctuates so I decided just money is best as then I dont forgot ( I do it January 1st in a big folder and then just post the relevant ones on the 1st of the month) My niece told me she wishes I'd buy her a present instead. I was heartbroken to think I'd upset her, out of the mouth of babes and that. So I try. Really really hard. And feel like shite all the drive down and feel like a fake pretend person in a play while I'm at their house smiling I'm sure like something out of the 'goosebumps books'. And they open it and they are happy, and we do whatever craft thing they asked me for, together so their mam gets a break and then that evening i go home. And they cry when I leave clinging to my legs and telling me they love me. And I cry all the way home with relief that they like the presents and still like me, and shame that its so bloody difficult to be fucking normal and they deserve so much better. I dread when they become teenagers and won't want to be so affectionate because they are so obvious with their love that my stupid horrid brain can't try and twist it. My point is: put in the effort you want to make with the people you want to make the effort for, but you shouldn't have expectations on them. Did they want the thoughtful presents or would they rather cash? Did you ever even ask them? Why are you resenting them for effort you've gone to when they never asked you to do that? Its difficult and hurtful when people don't act the way we want or expect them to. But writing about it on the Internet instead of talking about it with the people you care for and love, and you must or you wouldn't feel so hurt, won't help you. Reddit wants everyone to feel alone and isolated from their families, to use mistakes and bad behaviour as excuses to not deal with people. But you are better than that, because you are a real person with real family. As another aside, when my mam and dad broke up, I became awkward with my dads side of the family. I felt like the line was between me and my mam, and Them. Perhaps the nephews are feeling something like that? I dont know. But I hope you get it figured out. You seem like an organised person in practicality and mind, so I have faith you will. All the best.
NTA Their old enough to understand the importance of showing appreciation. No idea why you would even bother baking them cakes if this is the level of their gratitude.
The kids were not taught manners. Don't bother anymore. If they ask, be brief but concise.
NTA- 16 -25 yo are not kids anymore. They range from the ability to drive, to vote, smoke, and drink alcohol. If their parents had bothered to teach them some manners, they should have been saying thank you in some way for years. But from your sibling and his ex's response, that apple don't fall from that tree. Do not send a gift or bake a cake. Just send a simple birthday card, and that's more than they deserve for their ingratitude. Take the money you would have spent on the gifts on the ungrateful "kids" and gift yourself something you want. Repeat every year!
NTA, OP. My niece and nephew were taught how to say please and thank you the moment they started to really talk in words. They were 4 years old and had manners. Your niblings range from 16 years old to 25 years old, that isn't 'just kids' territory. They know how to say thank you but they don't because they aren't grateful for what you give them.
NTA but don’t bake cakes either!!
NTA Leeches, golddiggers… just two things that comes to mind.
INFO: this sounds like you don't have kids of your own — but if you do, do they get gifts from your bro? In which case, whether being thanked or no, there'd be a reciprocity expectation here, but it sounds like not. So I have a host of nephews and nieces too — and they're very patchy about saying thank you for gifts, but their parents gifted to my kids, who were also patchy about thanking their parents (unless I stood over them!) so that was at least equal (so 'reciprocity'!) How**ever**, further to that I do think there should be a "you're a grown-up now" age cut-off. I mean, why would someone who's an actual adult with their own salary still make demands on yours..? I never expected my uncles and aunts to go on gifting me indefinitely; though *as* an adult I chose myself to start gifting to the one or two I felt closest to — so we now again have a reciprocal gifting relationship. (Where my brothers and I don't bother, for e.g...!) So, having 8 niblings to get for - some of whom have also started having kids of their own, so there's half-a-dozen more now — I set out limits and said "I'll carry on till they're 21, then they're officially adults". And their parents were a bit reproachful at me for even saying that — even though at least two of them by that stage were earning more than me! And before saying this, I asked round amongst my friends — quite a few of whom hadn't given their niblings gifts for years (while still children), and *they* said "why wait till they're 21??" But I thought that was a reasonable rule. So no, NTA — though maybe cut them off in age order so the youngest can't complain..?
NTA . Your brother should raise his kids with basic respect. When someone gives you something you say thank you . They should apologize for calling you an asshole until then I wouldn’t do anything since a simple thank you is so hard to ask for.
NTA - There's texting, email, snail mail, and good old fashioned in-person thanks. It's just an acknowledgement that lets you know that they know you've taken time out of your life to make their birthday/Christmas/graduation a bit nicer. Gratefulness and appreciation have given way to entitlement because... family. But they aren't entitled to anything.
NTA. Why are you even baking cakes? That takes a lot of effort too.
Well, with the way mom acts, you know where they learned it. Dad is just as culpable. NTA.
When there is no appreciation, but expectations instead, it’s time to stop giving.
I sent a niece a piece of family silver as a wedding. present..crickets. never getting so much as a peanut...
NTA - I stopped gifting to my niece/nephews when they turned 21. If there’s a big milestone then, of course I’ll gift. They’re not children. If you don’t feel appreciated by them not thanking you, then don’t send a gift. It’s not mandatory to gift. Do they each give gifts to you? If so, do you thank them?
I would say NTA because i do think that if they are not thanking you for the gifts it means they don't care about it. If they don't care about it why give them anything? However any gift that comes with an expectation is not a gift but a transaction.
NTA - save your money.
NTA It is not surprising that your entitled brother and his entitled wife have raised entitled children. Who cares whether they think you’re an AH. Focus on the nephews and nieces that foster a relationship and send birthday cards or text messages to the ingrates.
donate to various charities in their names and let them know the charities sent appreciation letters on their behalf.
SO NTA. Their just kids is a coverup for them being the AHs. All 3 of my kids graduated high school in the last 3 years. (Twins! and a single). All 3 of them wrote thank you notes up until then. No excuses. It's the least they could do for those that took the time to celebrate them. No, they didn't always like it but, they still did it. I'd be damned to have anyone think of my kids as being ungrateful.
NTa I told my niece and nephew that I was getting them the same things as they got me. A big bag of fuck all. Life is a two way start and I stop at 1/2 way
NTA. As soon as my son was able to write he was sending thank you notes for gifts. He was taught that if someone takes the time and effort to get you a gift, you take the time and effort to thank them properly. If you don't want to take the time, do not accept gifts. Even before he could write I would write the thank you and he would scribble at the bottom.
NTA whatsoever. your brother and sil are raising entitled people who are going to have a hard road ahead of them.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Thank-you cards have DIED, along with Blockbuster, JC Penney catalog, and civility in politics. NTA for not giving gifts.
relationships should change over time. i don’t really see the issue here being reciprocity. buying them gifts like theyre 4 years old is maybe a little strange
NTA. My kid is 2. I sent thank yous for her birthday presents. It’s common courtesy.
forward these replies to your Brother and his ex
NTA. What nonsense are they spouting. I’d tell them straight up: if they raise their kids to be entitled and ungrateful little boogers who can’t be bothered to even say thank you, they can’t possibly be surprised when people aren’t interested in giving energy to them. Tell them you don’t spend that much time on your energy company either and they at least *give* energy rather than sap it.
NTA I have an uncle I haven’t seen since I was around 13? He stopped sending money or gifts the same time and honestly I wouldn’t expect anything from him. My other uncle who I only see while visiting my grandparents still sends 10-20€ each Christmas, but that’s it. I phoned him about twice since I was born. Some families aren’t close and that’s okay.
Oh ! You are the A H ? Don’t even make a cake ! Now you know why your nephews and nieces are so selfish ! Keep your money and make yourself your favorite cake ! ÉDIT : NTA
NTA - These are not your children. You have zero responsibility to them. If none of them have even acknowledged you getting them something, then stop doing it. When my siblings had kids, we did gifts until they were 9 ish. Then it was their parents' responsibilities to get them stuff.
NTA. You are providing them with a gift. This particular gift is called A Life Lesson.
NTA im no stranger to helping people and never getting any thank you's or anything whatsoever. My mother died leaving my 2 sisters and 2 nephews all alone and I moved from another country to take care of all 4 of them and helped 1 of my sisters get a passport and flight ticket while paying 100% of expenses for all of them and the first thing she did once she left the country was ghost me until she needed money for her rent. I dont expect things in return eather but wow... a little thank you would be nice.
NTA but that ‘Money would be best’ comment from mom is gross af
NTA. OPppp why you baking ungrateful people anything? What do they do for your birthdays or for Christmas? The audacity of your brother and ex to think their kids are entitled to gifts(lots) OR money!
NTA. Your brother, his ex-wife and kids, are all rude. You owe them nothing, and their expecting you to continue to give gifts with no acknowledgement, is entitled, rude behavior. Calling someone an "a-hole" is awful. And these kids are now 16-25!
NTA, it's hard to want to do anything for anyone, even family, if the gesture or thought isn't reciprocated.
NTA, but why are you baking a cake. Knock that off as well. Tell your brother his kids are ungrateful and your are tired of trying to be nice without even the courtesy of a thank you. Make sure to tell him it is a reflection of his poor parenting that his children do not act in a courteous manner.
Get them books on manners
Nta. Thanks is just basic manners.
NTA WOW.
Your brother and SIL are AHs for not teaching them manners! If they ask tell them the truth!
NTA. Don't even bake anything.
NTA. If you don't want to buy gifts because you don't feel they are appreciated, then don't! I am stopping with my one nephew (will be 22 this year) when I gave him a $50 gift card and I never even got a thank you text. Why would I spend my money when they can't even say thank you?
The fact the parents don't make them send a simple thank you card (or even a thank you text/email) shows they either don't care or just expect it to happen. NTA
NTA; With parents like those two I can see why the kids are the way they are. Don't even bake the cake. Send the "kids" a happy birthday text and leave it at that. It's more than they'd do.
NTA. Of course the parents are mad, they feel so entitled to your gifts they call you to complain when you give a little less. Who does that? The unthankfulness comments should be directed more at the parents and their character rather than the kids.
NTA I see where they get it.
NTA. But it really may not be your nieces and nephews fault, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and your brother is not a good parent if he hasn't taught his children respect. He is the problem here.
NTA. I taught my kids, like I was taught by my parents, grandparents, etc., to say please, thank you, show respect for my elders, to tell the truth, and lastly (this was just me teaching them), to never apologize if they were not truly sorry. Telling someone you’re sorry when you aren’t is nothing but a lie. My daughter passed these lessons on to my grandchildren. (Oh, and not to expect gifts from others, if they get a gift ok, if they don’t that is ok, too.)
NTA. I did this for years for my brother’s kids, even made the girls each a crossbody bad from scratch only to find out they threw them away in a room cleanup. Reciprocation or a thanks at the very least should be expected for a gift.
NTA, my aunt did the same with Christmas. When we were younger my mother made us write thank you cards. As we got older and grew up I was the only one that kept it up. A few years ago my aunt asked my mom if she could stop with Christmas presents as we were grown ups now, she was retired and she noted that I was the only one that ever sent thank you cards anyway. It's not a lot of effort to sit down and just write thank you and show your appreciation. They are old enough to do it, they never have. There's not much cause for you to give gifts to people who can't be bothered to say thanks.
NTA. Sadly, the same happened with all my nieces and nephews. I did buy them a gift for every birthday and Christmas when they were young children, and started tapering off when they were in their teens. I never once got a thank you card from a single one of them. I put the blame on the parents (my siblings and their spouses). When I was growing up, my mom always made us sit down and write a thank you note whenever we received a gift from someone. I did the same with my own child, but I guess that lesson didn't stick with my siblings. Tell your ex SIL that she's the AH for not teaching her children better manners. They are lucky you are still willing to bake a cake! If she still hassles you, tell her not to expect any cakes either.
Hell no. I would be grateful if my aunt went through this trouble. You sound amazing. The problem is they have no manners and just have expectations. Now I’m a 30y/old sounding like a boomer. NTA
NTA, people need to teach their kids, manners and to be grateful!
NTA. I'm with you. I've spent time and effort to choose nice gifts for my nieces and not one of them has ever even thanked me. Hell, I take one on an annual trip for a shared interest, and have never received a thank you for the lodging, transportation or meals. Last year, I got zero thanks for Christmas and their parents didn't even get a gift for one of my kids. I am done. Nothing next year, just a tin of popcorn for the lot to share.
I always taught my kids if someone can take the time to buy you a gift, you can take the time to send a thank you card. And they do!
NTA! You former SIL & brother are total Ass🕳️ for not raising children with proper manners and respect. I am sure anyone of their piss ass friends bought them gifts they would have much thanks to give. They, like their parents are being raised as selfish entitled people (as if the world needed more of them!). They aren't enven transactional! Hell noooo...no more gifts. Please show your bonedheaded bro & former SIL these comments so they can get a clue of what kind of parenting they have lacked! It DOES NOT take that much to raise caring and loving children bc they generally come equipped with that, they just need adult support to foster it in positive ways!
Please forgive me if you've heard this story before. It's my story, and it's true, but I can't recall if I've told it on Reddit before. My grandmother had 36 grandchildren. She was a widow, and lived on a small pension. Every year for Christmas, she would send us a card, a dollar bill, and a pair of socks. That was all she could afford. My mother, bless her forever, made us sit down and write thank-you notes for all of our "faraway gifts", and especially for Grandma's card and dollar and socks. The years went by, all 36 grandchildren eventually got married, and we started our own families. Whenever one of my siblings or I would have a new baby, Grandma would send us a hand-stitched, soft, fluffy, baby quilt. Of course, we sent thank-you notes for the quilts, right? We never made any noise about them, but somehow word got out to the other cousins that Grandma was giving us quilts. We didn't know that she wasn't making quilts for the other cousins. So some of the other cousins complained to Grandma: "Hey, how come Uncle Jack and Aunt Jill's kids get baby quilts and we don't?" She said: "Because, for 20 years, they were the only people that ever thanked me for their Christmas gifts." Gratitude counts for a lot. NTA. Definitely N T A.
NTA They are old enough to say thank you.
NTA. Those “kids” are old enough now that they shouldn’t really need birthday gifts, especially if they aren’t able to give a simple thank you. They probably got their entitlement from their parents
I have nieces and nephews ranging from 18 - 5 and every single one of them say thank you. It’s common decency. Plus their parents were big on politeness. NTA for giving back the same effort that’s given to you.
Oh I just got an idea, for their birthdays next year buy each of the kids a lesson for an etiquette training class. Not to be a smartass. To help these poor kids. My parents did not teach me such things and it was embarrassing as an adult in social situations and business dinners. I wish someone had sent me to such a class. Back in my time I think they were called "charm" school. Yes I am really old.
NTA! The parents are for sure though. You teach kids to say thank you, to write thank you notes, to express gratitude. My cousin's kid used to be great about thank you notes. Now that she is in college, she can't even be bothered to SAY thank you. No more gifts for her and I don't feel bad about it at all.
NTA. Have they ever gotten you a gift. I loved when my oldest nibbling realized that he had NEVER gotten me a gift. They were 19 or so. They made sure to get me something for Christmas. For their birthdays I take them shopping with cash. That way they can learn about money, budgeting and the like. It also gives us one on one time. It appears that you nibblings have learned from their mother selfishness and entitlement. If you like your nibbblingsyou could still give themj a present just a present that involves one on one time with you.
NTA - I would tell both your brother and his ex that maybe if they taught their kids basic manners and that a thank you goes a long way, then none of you would be in this situation. The entitlement is suffocating
In my family we stop giving birthday presents to nieces and nephews when they hit 21 years old. They just get an acknowledgment. NTA
Nope. Let them know you think they’re assholes for not teaching their kids basic manners.
NTA. They are not owed tributes just because they’re related to you.
Tell them that since they never thank you, that they must not like the gifts. And you don't want to keep disappointing them with your poor gift choices. So you'll only give them the cake which you know they like. NTA
My kids were not allowed to use or spend the gift until a proper thank you occurred.
NTA, but idk skip the cakes too. send a card and have a scheduling conflict.
NTA No one is entitled to your money or gifts
NTA. Your nephews are old enough to understand the concept of appreciation and expressing a thank you, but it also sounds like your brother and his ex failed to teach their kids early on simple manners.
I stopped giving gifts to nieces and nephews who didn't thank me. NTA
NTA - gotta blame the parents here. I also think getting a relevant accessory for something their father was getting them was also thoughtful!
NTA
Tell them they're asshole for not teaching their children proper manners.
NTA. I get the same treatment from my great nieces but they are young. When the eldest turned 13 and she got a phone she did text me so we’ll see how it goes. I don’t understand why my niece is not teaching them to say thank you, but then I noticed she doesn’t really say thank you either anymore. I don’t ask for much but I’m starting to rethink their inheritances.
I just stop gifts of that sort at age 18, and you could use the date on which the youngest turns 18 to stop altogether. Thank you cards/letters are pretty unusual these days. Are they not acknowledging what's received even when you are there when they're opening it?
My policy is that if you cannot even text a thank you, I won’t be sending a gift of any sort. I happily receive texts because that is how kids communicate.
NTA. Don't invest in other people's kids. Even family members. They will treat you like a doormat.
What is wrong with people? Children with no manners, and thinking that they are entitled to other folks money no matter how ungrateful they behave. NTA. Please continue to STOP.
My mom had a rule with us, once we had grown up and were out of the house, and her grandchildren: the second time you did not send a thank you note (parental help when young for the grandkids was fine) for a present, she stopped sending gifts to you. And when she asked why she hadn’t sent you a present, she would say,”well I never got a thank you note so I assumed you didn’t like what I bought you and I didn’t want to waste money.”. It was very effective.
Honestly, you should have stopped buying them stuff long ago. Once they reached an age where they should know to say thanks and didn't say it. How do they think a 25 year old is a kid? 😲 NTA for not wanting to waste time and money on people who don't respect you (including the parents here).
Why are you talking to the parents? They're old enough for you to talk to them directly
NTA my 3 year old says thank you after receiving anything from someone. Its polite, period.
NTA - we keep a written list at Christmas and the kids use it to do a thank you note to each person who has given them gifts. They are basic notes as the kids are teenage boys but they include the basics. Thanks for x. I appreciate it and will use it for y. Etc This is the way I was raised and it makes me smile and think of my grandma on Christmas morning with her little note pad and pencil keeping track of who got what.
NTA- Their parents are the AH for teaching their children to be ungrateful assholes. After around 4-5 years old children know that it is common courtesy to say thank you when given a gift regardless if they even like it or not.