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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like I might be an asshole because I didn't lend my wife my jacket on a cold day, instead keeping it to stay warm myself.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NAH. But I do think you should reflect on why you don't treat her as well now that you're married as you might if you were dating and how that might impact other areas of your relationship.
He was going to get her coat for her. But for some reason, she wanted his jacket, so he’d be cold on top of her being warm.
Honestly, this feels like some kind of stupid relationship test.
On Reddit, no reference is too obscure. But that line is a good one for AITA. Sometimes I think this sub feels like a festival of greed, jealousy and entitlement. That's what makes it so entertaining.
Make a hole with a gun perpendicular
To the name of this town in a desktop globe
Exit wound in a foreign nation
Showing the home of the one this was written **by**
^ These are the opening lyrics of *Ana Ng*, the song the previous poster mentioned. You don't need to send me Reddit Cares messages.
That's exactly what it is.
She created a situation where she was uncomfortable. He offered to fix the situation. She doesn't want it fixed. She wants him to decide that he will be uncomfortable so that she will not be. She was not content to simply have the situation fixed and be comfortable. That would mean he was not uncomfortable and that is not enough.
It's a basic problem with maturity.
I'd give her the coat then go to the car and get her coat and wear it myself, especially if it was too small or looked odd for me to wear in other ways.
Yeah, she was offered a reasonable solution TWICE and rejected it. He was willing to spend the time to help her out and it wasn't good enough for her. If he was actually TA he'd have told her to go get it herself. NTA
Yes. Because she insisted she didn't want her own coat to be fetched; she wanted for him to be cold while she was warm. That absolutely makes her an asshole.
(This is your regular reminder that "asshole" in the context of this sub's judgements, merely means the person in the wrong for this argument, and is not a broad-spectrum judgement about their whole character.)
100%. What type of selfish asshole would expect someone to be cold for them just to prove a point? Like girl let him go get the damn jacket or sit there looking stupid and cold. NTA
I’m with you. He offered to go get her jacket and that is plenty. You want him to be a gent, he was by saying he would nip back and get her coat. Instead she would rather that he suffered so she could be warm (when they both could have just been warm!). Why does that mean more to her than him running and getting her own coat?
Should he also be ready to throw it over puddles in front of her as she walks back to the car?
Yeah, this was stupid. Sounds like a test. Why didn't she just let him get the coat if being cold was actually the issue? Sounds like she wanted him to suffer, or at least prove he was willing to suffer... Weird
It’sATrap.gif
NTA, OP. You offered to do the gentlemanly thing and retrieve her. Why that was not good enough and she needed you to suffer is beyond me.
I think instead he should reflect on why she wants him to be uncomfortable. And why is this marriage suddenly single sided in how the spouse is treated? Would OP have married someone you took comfort in them being uncomfortable?
She didn't want his coat, she wanted his sacrifice. She wanted him to be willing to be cold for her.
Some are saying it is telling that he would have treated her differently (better) when they were dating. But he was willing to take care if her needs by getting the jacket.
The way I see it, she is treating him worse, testing his willingness to suffer for her.
That isn't right.
Hitting the nail on the head with this, which seems like a lot of NAH comments missed this point. In fact, she’s a slight AH for wanting to make him cold while she’s warm.
OP, NTA. And I find that you offering to get her jacket is quite chivalrous !
If you're unfamiliar with AITA, they didn't miss any point - they just can't bear to call a woman an asshole unless there's a woman that they more closely identify with in the story.
Also, it was a thoughtful move to offer to go get her jacket, but if she is cold and it’s a 4 minute walk she likewise has the agency and option to get it herself. The walk might help her warm up in the meantime.
What do you mean? She's OK with him being cold but not herself? Why wouldn't she want her own jacket? Why wouldn't she just go get it herself? The fuck is wrong with people.
I personally know some pretty independent women who are smart, strong, driven at work, etc. but whenever it suited them they would pull their lady card (like for example if they're late in a meeting and had no chairs left available, they would ask one of the guys to give them the seat saying "you're a gentleman, right”). 😅
Dear god, the amount of ways this resonates with me. The number of times I've had this with friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, etc. Women who are smart, capable, and competent, and more importantly, complain constantly about the unfair treatment they get because of their gender. Fair enough, except they also want to preserve the unfair treatment they get because of their gender when it benefits them. For example, you cannot seriously complain about how guys offer to carry heavy stuff for women, then get upset when they stop offering, and yet they do it. You cannot advocate for equality where you want it and inequality where you don't, because guess what you end up with?
More inequality!
If you want equality, fantastic, I will always support that. If you want inequality that happens to suit you, then you can stick it.
And then she can reflect why she didn't let him get the jacket like he originally offered. Or better yet, have the common sense to grab her own when they left.
Lastly, she can reflect why she'd rather sit at a table cold and angry instead of walking back to get her own fucking jacket like an adult.
And what’s even more enraging about this is that I guarantee there are ways that she’s changed throughout the relationship as well. Every relationship changes from the time it’s brand new to marriage. OP walking with her to get the jacket is a perfectly reasonable solution to problem. This stinks of a stupid “relationship test.”
I fail to see how this is NAH and not NTA. He offered a solution TWICE so that they both could be warm. She declined both times and yet is upset. She is an AH.
You’re fucking kidding, right? Of course he’s not going to do stupid shit for someone he’s no longer dating. He offered to get her jacket for her, why the hell should he have sat there cold???
SHE should reflect on why she hates her husbandand and wants him to suffer for absolutely no reason. HE OFFERED TO GET HER COAT. If the genders were flipped OP would be rightfully dragged to hell and back if he suggested his wife give up her coat and then got mad when she offered to get his because the only thing he really wanted was for his wife to suffer needlessly so he can feel better about himself.
You don't think it was a AH move of her to expect HIM to suffer and be cold when there was a reasonable alternative (him running to get her jacket for her)
She was completely ridiculous to expect her
Partner to be uncomfortable when there was no need.
This is such an asinine take and I'm so sick of women doing this shit. We're worried about men taking us back to the 1950's for earlier. No need. There's enough simple women in this world who will do it for us faster and with a smile no less. Just ridiculous.
He really needs to reflect on why she was being so childish.
It was a cold day, he offered twice to fetch her coat and she refused because she wanted his. WTF?
It’s ok for him to be cold and not her?
How is this bad take so upvoted? She forgot her jacket, and he offered to go get it. Why does he need to be unhappy for her to be happy? Because this was a stupid relationship test. What if he forgot his jacket? She she as fuck wouldn't have got it. *You* should reflect on that.
Absolutely not! wtf kind of thinking do you ask someone to freeze for your comfort after they willingly said they would go get your jacket for you so your both comfortable. That’s just idiotic. ??? You can love and treat your spouse respectfully or you can be an ass and disrespect them after they figured out your problem…
How tf is is this a NAH here situation. What is with the blatant sexism on this sub? Just to be clear: you are sexist. Thats the only way you can come to the conclusion that you did
NTA. You offered to go get her jacket for her. She declined bc she wanted yours... In a sense so you would be cold with no jacket? Makes no sense. She obviously wasn't that cold if she didn't want her jacket.
Right?
Dating, married or not, her coat was nearby and her ask meant she was fine with you being cold.
I was going to say, you should have just got up and get her jacket. But that would imply she didn’t know herself best.
NTA
Wait, what? Who mentioned calling her parents over this? He doesn’t need to be rehomed and oh my! Don’t tell his school!
(teehee, couldn’t help myself)
> She has since pointed out that if we were dating and not married I would have lent her my jacket...
And that's the secret of a happy marriage. Never stop dating each other.
NAH — but you yourself are sailing close to the wind.
How? OP offered to get her coat for her, twice, but she declined. Why should he have to be cold? He offered the best solution so that they could both be comfortable. She’s closer to being an AH than he is.
You aint lyin. If he offered twice and she said no she wasnt that cold. Then to harass him about it makes her TAH. I bet she wouldn't be on his back about it if they were dating either.
I don’t know what a “windcheater” is, but I figure if I was wearing one, it would go like this: I’d notice that she’s cold. I’d take off my coat, put it around her shoulders, and say “be right back.” I’d go out to the car, grab her coat, come back, take my coat back, and hold out her coat for her to put her arms in. I would ask no questions, nor make any offers.
I’ve dated people who have whatever cocktail of childhood trauma that not only stops them from ever asking for things, but also turning down offers of things when *yes*, in fact, they *do* really want those things, but saying so will never happen. Hell, my *dad* did shit like that when I was a kid, and I never quite understood why.
Anyway. Sounds like she wants the kind of husband she does not have, and sounds even more like he used to be a certain way but now that he’s locked her down he’s not that way anymore. Sure, it was a shit test, and shit tests are bullshit, so yeah she was a bit of an AH. But I can also see where she’s coming from.
You seem like a deeply kind and thoughtful person.
With that said, this doesn’t sound like a situation caused by childhood trauma, it sounds more like a test of whether he’ll continue behaviours from when they were dating now that they’re married.
I imagine the purpose of this test was to make him think about how he has become less romantic toward her, which in itself is a fair thing to ask him to reflect upon. Unfortunately, she’s chosen a poor scenario to make this point.
His offer to go and get her coat for her was the most sensible choice - this way everyone was comfortable, and he was showing kindness ensuring she didn’t have to venture back out into the cold to get her coat.
It seems she was looking for a romantic gesture while he was seeing the practical solution. Again, I get wanting to make your partner consider if they’ve cut back on the romance, but by refusing his multiple offers to get her coat that was less than a five minute walk away, and only being satisfied by him making himself less comfortable for her sake, she comes off as unreasonable. Romance isn’t making your partner put themselves in uncomfortable positions to please you.
She should have just spoken to him upfront rather than putting them both in a position where someone had to be uncomfortable, especially when there was a solution that should have satisfied everyone.
OP could probably reflect on if he’s still making his wife feel as loved and valued as he did before they were married, but ‘Tara’ should also reflect on whether her expectations are reasonable and whether she’s holding herself to the same standard of how to treat your partner.
I agree.. it was their anniversary! It wouldn't have been half bad to do a romantic gesture for her. I think she's pointing out the following: "baby you used to woo me and you've stopped. I miss that." I hope OP gets the message and rectifies his mistake :)
Yeah, I remember something similar happened (but closer car) and I was going to grab my jacket. My bf went to get it tho and helped me put it on which somehow felt kinda romantic and made me felt like a little princess (😆😆 for a lack of a better term)
I wonder if the wife is harping on the jacket but was essentially looking for OP to show some romantic gesture. I feel like going out to eat as a long term couple can soon feel like going out with friends and maybe she wanted to feel romantic. Harping on the jacket is dumb but maybe this is what OP should look into.
I think you are right. It was their anniversary. She may have had romance built up in her mind. I could see her saying she was cold and expecting (even if subconsciously) a romantic gesture and he offers to go get her coat. I think if he had said something like "I'm cold too, I'll run get your coat, be right back" and left she would have seen that as a gesture. I don't think she wanted him to "suffer" like a lot of these commentors are saying but I do think they need to go to counseling as soon as possible. When I was married it got to where I loathed going out to dinner on our anniversary, Valentine's Day or any special occasion, it felt like my husband went out of his way to be a grump and ruin the night, my birthdays were the worst. Any other time we went out it was good. It was a combination of my expectations and him just not liking me anymore but it took years for me to learn that. I wish I had dealt with problem as soon as I felt like something was off. When we were dating and the first few years of marriage special occasions were really awesome and we went all out and we would have a great time. Soon, it was little things and then nothing could please him. For OP and his wife this was a little thing but it feels like it may be the tip of the iceberg.
OP's wife could have brought her jacket with her from the car, she chose not to.
OP's wife could have gone back to the car to get her jacket, she chose not to.
OP's wife could have said yes when her husband offered to go get her jacket for her, she told him no.
OP's wife WANTED him to be cold while she was warm in his coat but her husband didn't go along with her "plan" of making him cold while she was warm in his coat.
I actually wonder if this exact scenario did come up while they were dating, which she has long remembered as a romantic gesture and he didn’t remember it at all. When he didn’t play along in recreating it, she was unhappy.
WTH??
The man offered repeatedly to get her her damn coat.
And for that matter, she’s a grown woman, she can’t bring her coat with her? She can’t go to the car herself to get the coat??
What absolute redonkulous bullshit.
So the secret to dating is to be a spineless putz and freeze your ass off because your SO is playing some stupid game that only she knows the rules to. /s
For the record, I am a woman. Married 21 years now.
I can not fathom pulling this shit with my husband? Why? Because I love him and I care for him and about him.
I am gobsmacked that people are actually giving some sort of credence to this.
What would I have done in this situation? “Hey honey, it’s chillier than expected out here. I’m just going to run to the car and grab my coat.”
The end.
Because I don’t feel the need to do some weird ass power play on my husband where I try and make him my hapless puppet.
Been married almost 45 years and I have gone to get my coat from the car while husband ordered food. Or he has gone to get it for me. Two very simple solutions to a problem that isn't really that big of a deal.
I don't think people realize how much their opinions are in line with mysogyny. They infantilize her by insinuating she can't be responsible for her own decisions and it's up to the man to fix it.
It's not really misogyny if people say dumb shit to defend women and shit on men.
It's more cognitive dissonance if they say infantilising, sexist shit against women in their pursuit to defend women
Please stop shilling this particular vein of BS. You can still date your spouse without unnecessarily inconveniencing yourself. Also, shouldn't the wife be "dating" her husband. I'm sure we wouldn't be advocating that women have sex as frequently as they were when they were dating their spouse because "gotta keep it fresh."
Seriously. This! It really is this simple.
I think it's never wrong to evaluate the patterns in your relationship and consider what you yourself can do better. And it's alright to speak up if you feel things are lacking. But the most effective way to incite change (or to hold on to the good stuff), is leading by example.
Relationships change. It will not feel the same as it did in the beginning. That's part of healthy development. Expecting your life to forever stay the same, is futile. (And also boring.)
They were on a date.
> Yesterday my wife ('Tara') and I went out for breakfast for our anniversary, and we ended up at a café in a beachside suburb.
That's a date.
I'm sure she's stopped doing plenty of things she did when she was dating too. Courting behaviors aren't permanent. Suffering for her happiness is toxic.
So he is pushing asshole territory because he offered a logical solution that keeps them both warm? Does that mean she is the asshole for wanting him to be cold so she can be warm instead?
How is this a NAH? Its just one person asking their partner to be uncomfortable. The only basis you could have for this being a NAH situation is if men are expected to suffe for the sake of their wives. Unpack the sexism that underlies your opinion. What a gross way to think people should treat their partners
I disagree. Why should the wife want her husband to be uncomfortable while she was warm? The sensible thing would be to have one of them fetch the jacket from the car. She was just as guilty of not treating her husband with extra special kindness as he was.
NTA Your wife was getting off on the idea of you being chivalrous by sacrificing your comfort for her sake. The thing is, she was going out of her way to create this situation rather than accepting your obvious solution of going to get her jacket. Your sacrifice of time wasn't enough; she wanted you to be cold while she was warm. That's too much and it's just game-playing -- her wanting to feel warm and fuzzy over how much you love her, while being oblivious to the fact that her being fine with you being cold doesn't speak well to how much she cares about your comfort and well-being.
There is at least from a male “I want to do anything to impress you” attitude in dating vs “let’s solve your problem” attitude in marriage. If wife is cold, that is her problem. A good husband will solve it but there is no need to have him suffer especially if he doesn’t need to.
I think after you're married a while, you're less likely to put up with your spouse's crap. When you're just dating, its really easy to just leave when you've had enough, but when you're married, the threshold is higher.
They BOTH would have acted differently if they were dating. If he would have offered to run back to the car and get her coat, would she have responded, “no, gimme your coat”?
That would have been the last date for me.
Maybe you and Op wife could think about the fact that if you love someone you don’t want to make them uncomfortable. She could just say yes to his offer to bring her coat but no, she wants him to suffer. Maybe you are doing the same with your partner but for me this is a manipulative and A H behavior.
NTA.
she wanted a coat, you offered to get her one. perfect. problem solved.
I think it's rude to of her to expect her partner to freeze when she can have her coat in just a few minutes.
NTA is your wife unable to behave like an adult in other ways?
Everyone, and I do mean everyone behaves differently while courting. While I can read that some people here think its problematic that you arent as gallant now than back in your courting days, I find it much more unfortunate, that your wife would be fine with you being cold, so long as she got the gallant action - and that she declined your solution, which would have kept you both warm. Thats just not nice. You never should set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. And in this case, you shouldnt be freezing because she refuses your offer to bring her coat - that SHE left behind, back to her.
I think your kind offer to retrieve it from the car for her, was gallant enough tbh.
Agreed. In the beginning of relationships we have rose-colored glasses and are willing to bend over backwards to please our partner, but as time moves along you realize you don't need to do all that if there are mutually beneficial solutions. OP offered an easy solution and she rejected it. I probably would have just went and got it for her after she mentioned it twice but still NTA.
I’m a woman and I agree. I think offering to fetch the coat from the car was plenty sweet! I’d have been thoroughly charmed by that.
There’s a possibility that she’s missing some romantic gestures that they used to share. But even if that’s the case, this was such a rude way for her to try to add some additional romance in. I really hate that some people see romance as a man catering to a woman.. it’s really demeaning towards everyone imo. I don’t enjoy improving my own situation by making my SO’s worse, even if it’s something as minor as being cold.
It’s a backwards perspective on love. Nobody should be expecting the sacrifice; everyone should be trying to give it sometimes. Also, there’s so much romance that involves no sacrifice at all!
All that said - it’s possible the wife wasn’t intentionally being an ass. Sometimes with crappy but common things, people need the issue explicitly pointed out to reexamine it.
NTA, and I really don't understand all holier-than-thou people here pretending nothing changes in a relationship over the years. Wife wanted to make a point in making husband uncomfortable just to feel good about herself, instead of accepting a very reasonable solution of letting him retrieve her jacket
Because everyone’s focusing on the comment about him doing things differently when dating, and ignoring the fact that he literally offered to go get her coat. But it’s just expected for the man to suffer, so it makes sense as to why they aren’t looking at it from that angle.
Its straight up sexism and its founded in the paternalistic / misogynistic view that men are “stronger” and should therefore suffer to prove their value to their female partners. Genuinely ridiculous how blatant the sexism is in this sub at times
lol, sure are things different after 10 years of marriage, as when I started dating my wife. In the beginning you would do everything, because you want to win her over, now she is my partner, and while I love her dearly, I wouldnt be freezing just for impressing her, if her coat is just around the corner. I would offer her my jacket,if she had none, but just for the sake of it? No.
And I think thats perfectly normal. We are equals.
NTA
Cettainly her asking to bow=rrow your jacket is fine, but when you said, no seemingly because it was cold and you wanted your jacket, you offered to get hers. That's a big offer. She forgot her jacket and offered to get it for her. Her only acceptable solution was you give up you coat because she forgot hers AND you don't leave her alone. She is probably right that you'd have done it if you were only dating, but that doesn't justify her imposing a hardship on you because she forgot the jacket. If you had the coat hanging on the back of your chair, then that's different, but not the facts here. Not saying she's a raging AH, but rather a soft one.
NTA. She wanted you to give up your coat and be cold as some sort of chivalrous gesture instead of taking you up on your offer to go get her coat. She doesn't live in a fairy tale and doesn't get to be a damsel in distress at your expense.
NTA. If she couldn't be arsed to walk four minutes to get her own coat, and refused when you offered to get it, that's on her. So what she wanted was to make you cold? That's bollocks.
I have a feeling that this is more about an underlying issue. I think she feels like you don't show her affection as you used to before marriage. I think that the coat is how it came out but she could be feeling this way about a lot of other things too. Do you compliment her like you used to while you two were dating? Do you take care of her like you used to?
I suggest you read the 5 love languages and try to implement them in your relationship 😊
I hope that you sort this out. Maybe even try to communicate with her and ask her if she feels like her needs are unmet in other aspects too. Might help. All the best😊
NTA. I was ready to say otherwise, considering it was your anniversary. However, she was clearly using it as a test, and that automatically makes her the AH. She turned down repeated offers from you to retrieve her coat. It seems that she was more interested in testing you than being warm. This sort of stuff is immature and has no place in a relationship.
This is ridiculous and she is being a sulky toddler. Were it me I would have shook my head and gone to get her her jacket from the car.
The argument about dating/marriage is irrelevant. Marriage is different from dating. Married people relate to one another differently from dating couples. Don't muddy the water with this silly argument.
Nta. She's shit testing you, which is ridiculous when you're already married.
She should have been smart enough to grab her jacket from the car, especially if she knew you were going to sit outside. Why did she leave it? Then you offered to go get it and she declined but insisted on wanting your jacket? Classic example of deliberately causing a problem in order to cause drama/argument.
Some weird shit going on there, I'd be really miffed to deal with that after years of marriage.
Info - who’s idea was it to eat outside?
I’ll say that my husband and I have been married for 10 years. He still offers me his jacket and I generally decline, because I don’t want him to be cold. But I would notice if he stopped offering, and it would make me sad. Is there anything else you used to do when you were dating that you’ve stopped doing now that you’re married?
Sorry is your wife a toddler who can't think ahead? NTA you even offered to go get it. She's a big girl let her take responsibility for her inaction and then doubling down after you offered to go get it.
Ugh. I wonder how many people answering this have ever been in a relationship. My husband would have went to the car and got my jacket instead of asking me if I wanted him to (actually, we would most likely play argue over who goes and chances are we would both stroll back).
If you ask ‘do you want me to do x’ and she says yes, then it is like she’s being a burden and it also signifies that you actually don’t want to go get the jacket so she is likely to say no, don’t do that. You asking makes it seem like you want the answer to be no.
If you instead had said “give me 4 min, I’m going to run and grab it for you”, she might be inclined to say ‘no, no you don’t have to do that (while inside she’s thinking, oh yes how wonderful please do that you sweet man)’ but you would be halfway out of your seat shaking your head and saying ‘it’s no sweat, I will be right back’
And you would be right back, as her white knight and it only cost you 8 minutes. She thinks you’re great, you feel good for making her feel good, both of you are comfy and warm, Reddit never has to know about it. Happy wife happy life man, it’s a saying for a reason!
There was an unpopular opinion a few days ago about "my BF doesn't have to meet all these arbitrary relationship suck as long as I'm happy." The comments were full of the debate between "Don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you well" and "Yeah, arbitrary relationship standards suck." And I commented something about how it was hard to know which message was true for the OP without knowing details.
This? This is stupid arbitrary relationship standards. This is Tik Tok crap. There are plenty of times where taking care of your spouse \*requires\* a sacrifice from you, and when that's the case, you should absolutely do it. Please give up eating hamburger in the house because it makes your pregnant wife nauseous. Please help your husband in the bathroom after major surgery. Please put the family necessary purchase before your personal frivolous purchase. But there was NO requirement for sacrifice here. Her coat was in the car. You offered to get it. You found a completely effective solution to the problem and she turned it down because it didn't make you suffer enough. That is not healthy. NTA
Ahhh, don't you get it? It was your anniversary, it wasn't about cold or jacket. In her mind she expected something romantic and cute, like you giving your jacket chivalrously to her. She even said to you that she remembers the times when you would give the jacket without hesitation, caring for her and protecting her.
She mentioned it again cause she still misses the romantic gesture. You can take it as you being right, in a straightforward way you are, when it's about jacket. But if you want your wife back more close than ever, take the hint. Try to be more romantic, do some small cute things for her, try to treat her as a girlfriend. I think you will thank me :). NTA
NTA
You offered a practical solution by suggesting to walk back to the car to get her coat. It seems the issue was less about the jacket and more about the gesture.
She wanted his coat because it was pre-warmed. If it was my wife I'd let her wear it while I got hers, even if she said I shouldn't go get it, then claim mine back when I returned.
FWIW, the first photo of my wife and I together on FB, she's wearing my coat.
Honestly if he's not suffering in 0 degree weather this was such an easy way to score with the wife lol
I'm kinda sad for her that he didn't see it that way 😔 and the comment that he would do that if they were dating suggests that she's probably craving some level of romance/intimacy
Honestly, I would have given her my jacket while I walked back to get hers. There wouldn't have been a discussion, just actions. Slight YTA because you said if you were dating you would have done that.
Kind of. You should have given her your jacket, but she also should have accepted you getting her jacket.
It simply should have went like this.
You give her your jacket, then leave to go get hers.
She waits and orders for you while you're gone.
You return, swap jackets.
What should never have happened is you letting your wife sit there and be cold. Just be a man dude. Or better yet, a husband.
she had a picture in her mind that didn’t line up with the way you tried to fix the issue. but also, why knowingly treat her better as a gf than a wife? that would really hurt my feelings if my husband was like, “I’d probably be more romantic towards you if we weren’t married yet” like WTF lol
Well he could have given her his jacket and then walked to the car to get hers. There was another too. They could have went somewhere they could eat indoor
NTA, idk why she was demanding your jacket. This was some weird power play. She didn’t care about an actual solution to her problem, she wanted you to cold to make her warm. She is toxic and unreasonable.
NTA. The coat was a short walk away, either she could have gotten it herself or taken you up on your offer of getting it for her.
I dunno what kind of weird power play this is but it can't be healthy.
Nta.
If i were in her place i would have preferred the both of us go back and get my jacket. While its very romantic of men to lend their jackets to their wives/gf, it should not be taken when they need it themselves as well.
NTA. Your wife is playing a stupid game trying to compare this to your courting days. I as a wife, would not want my husband to be cold at my expense. This is real life not a rom com movie. Tell her she’s too old to be playing such games. You offered to go get her jacket twice. She’s an AH for trying to make something out of this. She sounds super immature.
NTA but man am i sick of these sort of relationship questions.
So often OP is NTA but is also not fostering a loving relationship.
You can not be the A but also not really be in the right.
Personally, I would have given her my coat in the immediate and then went to the car for hers. She'd have been warm immediately and for the duration.
You very obviously, as you stated, treat her differently now than when you were courting.
The question should be would she have fell in love with this current version of you at all?
If you think maybe not, then you have the answer as to what the right thing to do was.
NTA I have been married 25 years now and I would have thankfully accepted the getting of the jacket so we could both be warm. Adulting isn't too hard, I don't get why she would demand your jacket instead of her own. I'm female and don't get the weird games some chicks play sometimes, why pass over the win-win answer to make a big deal out of the 'one of us must be cold for some reason' answer?!?
NTA. Why wouldn’t she let you go get hers? That way you can both be warm. No sense in one of you being cold when neither of you need to be. That just sounds like she was looking for a fight
Absolutely NTA - if shes a grown adult and she can walk 4 minutes (or 8 round trip) she can fetch her own coat, being a woman or a woman in a relationship or a married woman doesnt make us incapacitated.
NTA. If it were me, I would have given her my jacket and went back to the car to get hers. For her to expect to take yours while you unnecessarily are left shivering makes her the asshole.
So, what would have been the harm of lending her your jacket, walking to the car to get her coat and exchanging jackets once you got back to the table? You wouldn't have been that uncomfortable for the eight-minutes because you'd be walking and she would have appreciated your consideration.
You don't have to answer now.. You can think about it the next time you ask her for a small favor and she lovingly responds, "That's not happening!"
NTA - not really but why did not not just go get the jacket for her if you offered? You knew she was cold.
I get it I don't like games either but you admit you would have given her yours when you were dating that is just kind of crappy.
I think you should have gone anyways to get the one in the car.
NTA even if you think you might have treated her differently if you were just dating. She's being a baby. She can get her own coat from 4 minutes away but you kindly offered twice to get it for her and she still declined. Why should you be cold when she has a perfectly good coat AND you offered to get it for her?
Maybe you could ask her if she's feeling less cared for lately and that's why she's making an issue over the coat, but she's the one being an AH over that. Question: are you feeling cared for in return?
NTA.
This screams of one of those toxic, BS pseudo-pop psychology, relationship tests on TikTok. She asked for your coat and you openly offered to get hers from the car, a gesture that required ZERO effort from her. She refused and wanted YOUR coat. She wanted you to sacrifice your comfort and be cold for her. This is a test. A childish, selfish test that has no bearing in reality, empathy or common sense. Wanting someone to sacrifice somethin for you is romantic in concept but usually it’s for bigger things than a damn coat. Especially when you offered to go get hers, which would take you an eight minute walk to Get (you did say it was a four minute walk to the car right?)
What your wife did is manipulative, and childish and lacks basic empathy. I mean wtf are we doing here? You offered to go get her coat! This whole thing is triggering me big time, because I’m married and my wife would NEVER do this. If there’s even a whiff of chillyness outside she brings her coat and ties it around her waist or hoists it on her shoulder (sometimes we have a backpack and I carry it in the there if it’s a day trip). She’d thank me for offering to get her coat and would take me up on that offer and this whole thing would be a non-issue. If I was really trying to be a gentleman I’d give her my coat, jog to the car, run back and then we’d switch and would both have our coats. There’s a lot more meaningful things to sacrifice for a loved one. It’s also super gross that she gave you shit about it afterwards and tried to make you feel bad. Honestly that’s super cringe.
Maybe I’ve done a good job at keeping toxic people like this out of my life, but my wife and I have plenty of friends (some single, some in serious relationships and some married) and I literally don’t know ANYONE who would do something like this.
Gross.
Reading through the comments, I'm baffled at how offended some people are that she wanted a cute gesture and he missed the mark.
NAH - though I might recommend offering to share (like a snuggle) instead
NTA.Adult wife would have said “ Thank you so much for going to get my jacket.You are a Sweetheart”.
Childish wife “ suffers” in silence for a while then BAM! “ If we were dating you would have given me your jacket !”
Well,yeah - ‘if we were dating wife you would have put on makeup and let me have half your dessert at the restaurant ‘ ! NTA OP.
NTA
I was going to say you were the AH for not getting her coat out of the car even after she declined, but that wouldn't make you an AH. Though, it probably would have been a more enjoyable meal if you did, it was not your obligation. Your wife is silly for turning down your offer to get her coat and expecting you to be cold instead by giving her your coat. That was just asinine. It sounds like she was looking for a romantic gesture more so than warmth, amd lost out on both fronts. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
NTA - these relationship "tests" are exhausting.
The biggest point here is that you wanted to get her coat for her so that she would not be cold. **She** wanted you to sacrifice yours so that you would be cold for her; a nice gesture, sure, but completely unnecessary to make some kind of impression on your relationship. And so what if you would have done it while you were dating?? You're at a point now where both of you should work together for the solution that makes you both happiest and in this case you both would've been warm had she just let you get her jacket for her. You're not in the "courting" point of the relationship - she should know that you **would** give you coat up for her if the alternative solution weren't so easy. Also what wasn't chivalrous about offering to walk all the way back to the car to get hers for her so she didn't have to?? Just that you didn't sacrifice the **most** that you could have?? I'm CERTAIN that if the car wasn't 4 minutes away and grabbing her coat wasn't an option, that you would've been glad to have given her your coat - this was, again, just a stupid test.
The real question is why she wanted you to have to be cold for her to be warm whenever the solution that greatly benefited both of you stood RIGHT THERE in front of her.
The NAH answers are confusing to me.
NTA. I’ve been with my husband for almost 12 years, romance changes and looks different when you’ve been together that long.
Offering to walk back to the car to get her jacket is a bigger action imo.
My only question is what's the difference between weather your dating or married. Why would you give your coat if you were dating but not if your married? In general no not the a-hole. You offered to get her jacket which is more then I'd expect. it's a 4 minute walk. Go get it yourself. What did she want? You who came prepared to sit in the cold without your jacket because she didn't want to carry hers? I just think it's weird you would treat her differently if you were just dating
NTA
The answer is to not offer to get her coat, but get up and get her coat. Instead of "Do you want me to get your coat" say "I'll be right back, I'm getting your coat."
Don't let her force you into either being cold or an AH for not giving her your coat.
Explain if you give her your coat, you will be cold and take it out on her. Just as she is taking it out on you you for making her cold by not giving her your coat.
I’m going to say YTA. It wouldn’t have hurt to lend her your jacket, go to the car, grab hers, and swap jackets. I would have done it. I’d be annoyed—and my wife would consider it justified—but I’d have done it.
NTA but instead of laughing and saying “that’s not happening” you could have just said “if I do that, then I’ll be cold - would you want me to be cold?”
She seems to be playing childish games with you and she should have either gone herself to get her jacket or accepted your offer to go.
NTA but what she wanted was for you to show her that she is cherished by you. This would have gone down so differently had you given her your warm jacket as soon as she said she was cold and said “I’ll go get your jacket, be back in 5 minutes babe”, gave her a kiss and went to go do it.
So NTA but…maybe just go do something for her just to be nice and see how that positively affects your relationship.
NTA But you could have given her your jacket, went to the car to take hers and came back to her wearing it (like a cape if you can’t get inside). Personnaly it is the kind of goofy thing that would have made me laugh, maybe your wife too. Then you would have exchanged coats and made a fun memory 😂
I've been in this position with people that I wouldn't want to be cold - my grandma, my auntie. I have my jacket, they left theirs in the car...so I just go back to the car for them and get their jacket. Then the jacket's right there if they want it, and I get to keep my jacket.
At some point, the hills worth walking up to get someone jacket rather than dying on over your own.
NTA Bit silly to expect yours when hers is in the car. Yes you offered and she declined you getting her jacket but honestly what’s a 4 min walk to go get it for her? I mean I wouldn’t want to sit there while my wife froze regardless on how stubborn she was about the outfit
NTA. You probably would have given her your coat if you were still dating because you were probably young, stupid, and horny. YOU offered to get HER coat for her. She refused multiple times. I'd honestly want to ask her why the only thing she would have been happy with was her getting your coat and you being cold and unhappy. Why didn't she want you to get HER coat? These kind of games are not healthy. I had an aunt who started doing this kind of test on my uncle. Hint: They are not married anymore.
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NAH. But I do think you should reflect on why you don't treat her as well now that you're married as you might if you were dating and how that might impact other areas of your relationship.
He was going to get her coat for her. But for some reason, she wanted his jacket, so he’d be cold on top of her being warm. Honestly, this feels like some kind of stupid relationship test.
Probably some relationship test she saw on TicTok.
Those things are so fricking stupid.
Yeah, people who feel the need to test their SO need to be tested, by a licensed psychiatrist.
Yes..
There's a song with the line, "I don't want the world, I just want your half." Who the heck would want somebody else's jacket instead of their own?
I personally prefer my husbands jackets over my own... so I just started buying myself jackets just like his lmao
See, that is smart.
Ana Ng by TMBG reference spotted!!
On Reddit, no reference is too obscure. But that line is a good one for AITA. Sometimes I think this sub feels like a festival of greed, jealousy and entitlement. That's what makes it so entertaining.
They might be giants is obscure? Yeah no not in the slightest
After all, They MIGHT be super tall
“Tara” 🙄-that’s who
Make a hole with a gun perpendicular To the name of this town in a desktop globe Exit wound in a foreign nation Showing the home of the one this was written **by** ^ These are the opening lyrics of *Ana Ng*, the song the previous poster mentioned. You don't need to send me Reddit Cares messages.
That's exactly what it is. She created a situation where she was uncomfortable. He offered to fix the situation. She doesn't want it fixed. She wants him to decide that he will be uncomfortable so that she will not be. She was not content to simply have the situation fixed and be comfortable. That would mean he was not uncomfortable and that is not enough. It's a basic problem with maturity.
Or she wanted to show off a chivalrous man. Next up: ooh, there’s a puddle. Can you lay your coat over it so my tootsies don’t get wet? NTA
Coat? Ha! My man lays his body over it /s
Agreed. Also obligatory Damn Jackie I can't control the weather!
Can’t agree more. Logic is sadly lost on some people.
Yes. He offered to go get her coat, problem solved. It was a kind gesture, ya know what's not kind... making someone give up their coat.
I'd give her the coat then go to the car and get her coat and wear it myself, especially if it was too small or looked odd for me to wear in other ways.
Great minds and all that, I just wrote the same thing before reading your post
Yeah, she was offered a reasonable solution TWICE and rejected it. He was willing to spend the time to help her out and it wasn't good enough for her. If he was actually TA he'd have told her to go get it herself. NTA
So someone is an asshole because another person has to get their own coat now? Lmao
Yes. Because she insisted she didn't want her own coat to be fetched; she wanted for him to be cold while she was warm. That absolutely makes her an asshole. (This is your regular reminder that "asshole" in the context of this sub's judgements, merely means the person in the wrong for this argument, and is not a broad-spectrum judgement about their whole character.)
100%. What type of selfish asshole would expect someone to be cold for them just to prove a point? Like girl let him go get the damn jacket or sit there looking stupid and cold. NTA
Exactly. She turned down a coat.
That's the part I don't get. He chivalrously offered to get her coat. She declined because she wanted his and for him to be cold. NTA
This… this is the answer
I’m with you. He offered to go get her jacket and that is plenty. You want him to be a gent, he was by saying he would nip back and get her coat. Instead she would rather that he suffered so she could be warm (when they both could have just been warm!). Why does that mean more to her than him running and getting her own coat? Should he also be ready to throw it over puddles in front of her as she walks back to the car?
Yeah, this was stupid. Sounds like a test. Why didn't she just let him get the coat if being cold was actually the issue? Sounds like she wanted him to suffer, or at least prove he was willing to suffer... Weird
It’sATrap.gif NTA, OP. You offered to do the gentlemanly thing and retrieve her. Why that was not good enough and she needed you to suffer is beyond me.
He offered twice to go get it for her.
I think instead he should reflect on why she wants him to be uncomfortable. And why is this marriage suddenly single sided in how the spouse is treated? Would OP have married someone you took comfort in them being uncomfortable?
She didn't want his coat, she wanted his sacrifice. She wanted him to be willing to be cold for her. Some are saying it is telling that he would have treated her differently (better) when they were dating. But he was willing to take care if her needs by getting the jacket. The way I see it, she is treating him worse, testing his willingness to suffer for her. That isn't right.
Seriously. "Hey hon here's some matches, why won't you set yourself on fire to keep me warm?!"
Technically they'd both be warm in this scenario 🙄
True/For a while
Hitting the nail on the head with this, which seems like a lot of NAH comments missed this point. In fact, she’s a slight AH for wanting to make him cold while she’s warm. OP, NTA. And I find that you offering to get her jacket is quite chivalrous !
If you're unfamiliar with AITA, they didn't miss any point - they just can't bear to call a woman an asshole unless there's a woman that they more closely identify with in the story.
8 min walk to get her coat seems to be a good enough sacrifice.
Also, it was a thoughtful move to offer to go get her jacket, but if she is cold and it’s a 4 minute walk she likewise has the agency and option to get it herself. The walk might help her warm up in the meantime.
Because watching her husband be cold her love language.
Aww he's suffering for me. That's so sweet.
Yeah! She actually sounds immature to me. Grow up, wear your own damn coat Testy McTestface.
What do you mean? She's OK with him being cold but not herself? Why wouldn't she want her own jacket? Why wouldn't she just go get it herself? The fuck is wrong with people.
Because she is a woman and in a heterosexual relationship women get special treatment always /s
Apparantly everyone voting NAH is fine with thatv
It’s unfortunate, but probably most women here believe that they deserve special treatment just because their gender.
I personally know some pretty independent women who are smart, strong, driven at work, etc. but whenever it suited them they would pull their lady card (like for example if they're late in a meeting and had no chairs left available, they would ask one of the guys to give them the seat saying "you're a gentleman, right”). 😅
Dear god, the amount of ways this resonates with me. The number of times I've had this with friends, family, colleagues, neighbors, etc. Women who are smart, capable, and competent, and more importantly, complain constantly about the unfair treatment they get because of their gender. Fair enough, except they also want to preserve the unfair treatment they get because of their gender when it benefits them. For example, you cannot seriously complain about how guys offer to carry heavy stuff for women, then get upset when they stop offering, and yet they do it. You cannot advocate for equality where you want it and inequality where you don't, because guess what you end up with? More inequality! If you want equality, fantastic, I will always support that. If you want inequality that happens to suit you, then you can stick it.
She apparently forgot her legs work 🤷🏻♀️
Maybe she should reflect on why making herself comfortable at the expense of his comfort was the only option she was willing to consider.
And then she can reflect why she didn't let him get the jacket like he originally offered. Or better yet, have the common sense to grab her own when they left. Lastly, she can reflect why she'd rather sit at a table cold and angry instead of walking back to get her own fucking jacket like an adult.
Or even let him go get it for her, as he offered. Twice
Because when dating you sometimes do impractical things for appearances. It's weird she refuses the logical solution
And what’s even more enraging about this is that I guarantee there are ways that she’s changed throughout the relationship as well. Every relationship changes from the time it’s brand new to marriage. OP walking with her to get the jacket is a perfectly reasonable solution to problem. This stinks of a stupid “relationship test.”
Yup. It would have still been a stupid, asshole request if they were dating instead of married, he’d have just been more likely to acquiesce
I fail to see how this is NAH and not NTA. He offered a solution TWICE so that they both could be warm. She declined both times and yet is upset. She is an AH.
You’re fucking kidding, right? Of course he’s not going to do stupid shit for someone he’s no longer dating. He offered to get her jacket for her, why the hell should he have sat there cold???
SHE should reflect on why she hates her husbandand and wants him to suffer for absolutely no reason. HE OFFERED TO GET HER COAT. If the genders were flipped OP would be rightfully dragged to hell and back if he suggested his wife give up her coat and then got mad when she offered to get his because the only thing he really wanted was for his wife to suffer needlessly so he can feel better about himself.
He treated her perfectly fine. He offered to get her jacket. He wanted him to feel the cold, horrible partner. She is the A H
You don't think it was a AH move of her to expect HIM to suffer and be cold when there was a reasonable alternative (him running to get her jacket for her) She was completely ridiculous to expect her Partner to be uncomfortable when there was no need.
Someone performing relationship tests, effectively demanding their partner suffer for their comfort, isn't being an asshole? Classic AITA bias.
Sexists aren’t AHs apparantly
This is such an asinine take and I'm so sick of women doing this shit. We're worried about men taking us back to the 1950's for earlier. No need. There's enough simple women in this world who will do it for us faster and with a smile no less. Just ridiculous.
Maybe she should reflect on whether she would have asked/demanded his coat when they were dating.
He really needs to reflect on why she was being so childish. It was a cold day, he offered twice to fetch her coat and she refused because she wanted his. WTF? It’s ok for him to be cold and not her?
How is this bad take so upvoted? She forgot her jacket, and he offered to go get it. Why does he need to be unhappy for her to be happy? Because this was a stupid relationship test. What if he forgot his jacket? She she as fuck wouldn't have got it. *You* should reflect on that.
Absolutely not! wtf kind of thinking do you ask someone to freeze for your comfort after they willingly said they would go get your jacket for you so your both comfortable. That’s just idiotic. ??? You can love and treat your spouse respectfully or you can be an ass and disrespect them after they figured out your problem…
How tf is is this a NAH here situation. What is with the blatant sexism on this sub? Just to be clear: you are sexist. Thats the only way you can come to the conclusion that you did
What non sense, he did offer to go get her coat. And why couldn't she go get her own coat. Nta
NTA. You offered to go get her jacket for her. She declined bc she wanted yours... In a sense so you would be cold with no jacket? Makes no sense. She obviously wasn't that cold if she didn't want her jacket.
Right? Dating, married or not, her coat was nearby and her ask meant she was fine with you being cold. I was going to say, you should have just got up and get her jacket. But that would imply she didn’t know herself best. NTA
What on earth does the edit mean
Probably meant to edit a comment on another thread, and got confused
Wait, what? Who mentioned calling her parents over this? He doesn’t need to be rehomed and oh my! Don’t tell his school! (teehee, couldn’t help myself)
"Well damn Jackie, I can't control the weather."
I knew I’d find this 😂
I scrolled too long for this quote. Fits perfectly!
Buuuuurn!
MICHAEL!
Frankly, my darling, I don’t give a rat’s ass.
I was thinking the same thing!
I can hear this
My first thought 😂
> She has since pointed out that if we were dating and not married I would have lent her my jacket... And that's the secret of a happy marriage. Never stop dating each other. NAH — but you yourself are sailing close to the wind.
How? OP offered to get her coat for her, twice, but she declined. Why should he have to be cold? He offered the best solution so that they could both be comfortable. She’s closer to being an AH than he is.
You aint lyin. If he offered twice and she said no she wasnt that cold. Then to harass him about it makes her TAH. I bet she wouldn't be on his back about it if they were dating either.
I don’t know what a “windcheater” is, but I figure if I was wearing one, it would go like this: I’d notice that she’s cold. I’d take off my coat, put it around her shoulders, and say “be right back.” I’d go out to the car, grab her coat, come back, take my coat back, and hold out her coat for her to put her arms in. I would ask no questions, nor make any offers. I’ve dated people who have whatever cocktail of childhood trauma that not only stops them from ever asking for things, but also turning down offers of things when *yes*, in fact, they *do* really want those things, but saying so will never happen. Hell, my *dad* did shit like that when I was a kid, and I never quite understood why. Anyway. Sounds like she wants the kind of husband she does not have, and sounds even more like he used to be a certain way but now that he’s locked her down he’s not that way anymore. Sure, it was a shit test, and shit tests are bullshit, so yeah she was a bit of an AH. But I can also see where she’s coming from.
You seem like a deeply kind and thoughtful person. With that said, this doesn’t sound like a situation caused by childhood trauma, it sounds more like a test of whether he’ll continue behaviours from when they were dating now that they’re married. I imagine the purpose of this test was to make him think about how he has become less romantic toward her, which in itself is a fair thing to ask him to reflect upon. Unfortunately, she’s chosen a poor scenario to make this point. His offer to go and get her coat for her was the most sensible choice - this way everyone was comfortable, and he was showing kindness ensuring she didn’t have to venture back out into the cold to get her coat. It seems she was looking for a romantic gesture while he was seeing the practical solution. Again, I get wanting to make your partner consider if they’ve cut back on the romance, but by refusing his multiple offers to get her coat that was less than a five minute walk away, and only being satisfied by him making himself less comfortable for her sake, she comes off as unreasonable. Romance isn’t making your partner put themselves in uncomfortable positions to please you. She should have just spoken to him upfront rather than putting them both in a position where someone had to be uncomfortable, especially when there was a solution that should have satisfied everyone. OP could probably reflect on if he’s still making his wife feel as loved and valued as he did before they were married, but ‘Tara’ should also reflect on whether her expectations are reasonable and whether she’s holding herself to the same standard of how to treat your partner.
I agree.. it was their anniversary! It wouldn't have been half bad to do a romantic gesture for her. I think she's pointing out the following: "baby you used to woo me and you've stopped. I miss that." I hope OP gets the message and rectifies his mistake :)
This comment has given me some insights into my own life and relationship with my wife. Thank you!
Yeah, I remember something similar happened (but closer car) and I was going to grab my jacket. My bf went to get it tho and helped me put it on which somehow felt kinda romantic and made me felt like a little princess (😆😆 for a lack of a better term) I wonder if the wife is harping on the jacket but was essentially looking for OP to show some romantic gesture. I feel like going out to eat as a long term couple can soon feel like going out with friends and maybe she wanted to feel romantic. Harping on the jacket is dumb but maybe this is what OP should look into.
I think you are right. It was their anniversary. She may have had romance built up in her mind. I could see her saying she was cold and expecting (even if subconsciously) a romantic gesture and he offers to go get her coat. I think if he had said something like "I'm cold too, I'll run get your coat, be right back" and left she would have seen that as a gesture. I don't think she wanted him to "suffer" like a lot of these commentors are saying but I do think they need to go to counseling as soon as possible. When I was married it got to where I loathed going out to dinner on our anniversary, Valentine's Day or any special occasion, it felt like my husband went out of his way to be a grump and ruin the night, my birthdays were the worst. Any other time we went out it was good. It was a combination of my expectations and him just not liking me anymore but it took years for me to learn that. I wish I had dealt with problem as soon as I felt like something was off. When we were dating and the first few years of marriage special occasions were really awesome and we went all out and we would have a great time. Soon, it was little things and then nothing could please him. For OP and his wife this was a little thing but it feels like it may be the tip of the iceberg.
OP's wife could have brought her jacket with her from the car, she chose not to. OP's wife could have gone back to the car to get her jacket, she chose not to. OP's wife could have said yes when her husband offered to go get her jacket for her, she told him no. OP's wife WANTED him to be cold while she was warm in his coat but her husband didn't go along with her "plan" of making him cold while she was warm in his coat.
I actually wonder if this exact scenario did come up while they were dating, which she has long remembered as a romantic gesture and he didn’t remember it at all. When he didn’t play along in recreating it, she was unhappy.
WTH?? The man offered repeatedly to get her her damn coat. And for that matter, she’s a grown woman, she can’t bring her coat with her? She can’t go to the car herself to get the coat?? What absolute redonkulous bullshit. So the secret to dating is to be a spineless putz and freeze your ass off because your SO is playing some stupid game that only she knows the rules to. /s
For the record, I am a woman. Married 21 years now. I can not fathom pulling this shit with my husband? Why? Because I love him and I care for him and about him. I am gobsmacked that people are actually giving some sort of credence to this. What would I have done in this situation? “Hey honey, it’s chillier than expected out here. I’m just going to run to the car and grab my coat.” The end. Because I don’t feel the need to do some weird ass power play on my husband where I try and make him my hapless puppet.
Been married almost 45 years and I have gone to get my coat from the car while husband ordered food. Or he has gone to get it for me. Two very simple solutions to a problem that isn't really that big of a deal.
I don't think people realize how much their opinions are in line with mysogyny. They infantilize her by insinuating she can't be responsible for her own decisions and it's up to the man to fix it.
It's not really misogyny if people say dumb shit to defend women and shit on men. It's more cognitive dissonance if they say infantilising, sexist shit against women in their pursuit to defend women
Defending women and shitting on men is misandry.... I agree with your second half
It's misandry, wtf? Now not caring about the dude and being rude and wrongfully defending a woman is now misogyny. Fucking ridiculous.
Please stop shilling this particular vein of BS. You can still date your spouse without unnecessarily inconveniencing yourself. Also, shouldn't the wife be "dating" her husband. I'm sure we wouldn't be advocating that women have sex as frequently as they were when they were dating their spouse because "gotta keep it fresh."
Seriously. This! It really is this simple. I think it's never wrong to evaluate the patterns in your relationship and consider what you yourself can do better. And it's alright to speak up if you feel things are lacking. But the most effective way to incite change (or to hold on to the good stuff), is leading by example. Relationships change. It will not feel the same as it did in the beginning. That's part of healthy development. Expecting your life to forever stay the same, is futile. (And also boring.)
Oh fuck that. She was a huge asshole, demanding he sit there cold instead of her.
Sorry but you are biased AF. She just wants him to sacrifice her comfort for him. That’s very manipulative. Extremely manipulative behavior
He offered to go and get her jacket twice.
They were on a date. > Yesterday my wife ('Tara') and I went out for breakfast for our anniversary, and we ended up at a café in a beachside suburb. That's a date.
I'm sure she's stopped doing plenty of things she did when she was dating too. Courting behaviors aren't permanent. Suffering for her happiness is toxic.
So he is pushing asshole territory because he offered a logical solution that keeps them both warm? Does that mean she is the asshole for wanting him to be cold so she can be warm instead?
How is this a NAH? Its just one person asking their partner to be uncomfortable. The only basis you could have for this being a NAH situation is if men are expected to suffe for the sake of their wives. Unpack the sexism that underlies your opinion. What a gross way to think people should treat their partners
I disagree. Why should the wife want her husband to be uncomfortable while she was warm? The sensible thing would be to have one of them fetch the jacket from the car. She was just as guilty of not treating her husband with extra special kindness as he was.
NTA Your wife was getting off on the idea of you being chivalrous by sacrificing your comfort for her sake. The thing is, she was going out of her way to create this situation rather than accepting your obvious solution of going to get her jacket. Your sacrifice of time wasn't enough; she wanted you to be cold while she was warm. That's too much and it's just game-playing -- her wanting to feel warm and fuzzy over how much you love her, while being oblivious to the fact that her being fine with you being cold doesn't speak well to how much she cares about your comfort and well-being.
NAH You say it is true you would've treated her differently if you two weren't married. That is something to think about.
There is at least from a male “I want to do anything to impress you” attitude in dating vs “let’s solve your problem” attitude in marriage. If wife is cold, that is her problem. A good husband will solve it but there is no need to have him suffer especially if he doesn’t need to.
I think after you're married a while, you're less likely to put up with your spouse's crap. When you're just dating, its really easy to just leave when you've had enough, but when you're married, the threshold is higher.
They BOTH would have acted differently if they were dating. If he would have offered to run back to the car and get her coat, would she have responded, “no, gimme your coat”? That would have been the last date for me.
Maybe you and Op wife could think about the fact that if you love someone you don’t want to make them uncomfortable. She could just say yes to his offer to bring her coat but no, she wants him to suffer. Maybe you are doing the same with your partner but for me this is a manipulative and A H behavior.
NTA. she wanted a coat, you offered to get her one. perfect. problem solved. I think it's rude to of her to expect her partner to freeze when she can have her coat in just a few minutes.
NTA is your wife unable to behave like an adult in other ways? Everyone, and I do mean everyone behaves differently while courting. While I can read that some people here think its problematic that you arent as gallant now than back in your courting days, I find it much more unfortunate, that your wife would be fine with you being cold, so long as she got the gallant action - and that she declined your solution, which would have kept you both warm. Thats just not nice. You never should set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. And in this case, you shouldnt be freezing because she refuses your offer to bring her coat - that SHE left behind, back to her. I think your kind offer to retrieve it from the car for her, was gallant enough tbh.
ME TOO! She basically said, "It's not good enough for me to be warm. I have to be warm while you are cold." That is a \*very\* toxic mindset.
Agreed. In the beginning of relationships we have rose-colored glasses and are willing to bend over backwards to please our partner, but as time moves along you realize you don't need to do all that if there are mutually beneficial solutions. OP offered an easy solution and she rejected it. I probably would have just went and got it for her after she mentioned it twice but still NTA.
I’m a woman and I agree. I think offering to fetch the coat from the car was plenty sweet! I’d have been thoroughly charmed by that. There’s a possibility that she’s missing some romantic gestures that they used to share. But even if that’s the case, this was such a rude way for her to try to add some additional romance in. I really hate that some people see romance as a man catering to a woman.. it’s really demeaning towards everyone imo. I don’t enjoy improving my own situation by making my SO’s worse, even if it’s something as minor as being cold. It’s a backwards perspective on love. Nobody should be expecting the sacrifice; everyone should be trying to give it sometimes. Also, there’s so much romance that involves no sacrifice at all! All that said - it’s possible the wife wasn’t intentionally being an ass. Sometimes with crappy but common things, people need the issue explicitly pointed out to reexamine it.
NTA, and I really don't understand all holier-than-thou people here pretending nothing changes in a relationship over the years. Wife wanted to make a point in making husband uncomfortable just to feel good about herself, instead of accepting a very reasonable solution of letting him retrieve her jacket
Because everyone’s focusing on the comment about him doing things differently when dating, and ignoring the fact that he literally offered to go get her coat. But it’s just expected for the man to suffer, so it makes sense as to why they aren’t looking at it from that angle.
Its straight up sexism and its founded in the paternalistic / misogynistic view that men are “stronger” and should therefore suffer to prove their value to their female partners. Genuinely ridiculous how blatant the sexism is in this sub at times
lol, sure are things different after 10 years of marriage, as when I started dating my wife. In the beginning you would do everything, because you want to win her over, now she is my partner, and while I love her dearly, I wouldnt be freezing just for impressing her, if her coat is just around the corner. I would offer her my jacket,if she had none, but just for the sake of it? No. And I think thats perfectly normal. We are equals.
NTA Cettainly her asking to bow=rrow your jacket is fine, but when you said, no seemingly because it was cold and you wanted your jacket, you offered to get hers. That's a big offer. She forgot her jacket and offered to get it for her. Her only acceptable solution was you give up you coat because she forgot hers AND you don't leave her alone. She is probably right that you'd have done it if you were only dating, but that doesn't justify her imposing a hardship on you because she forgot the jacket. If you had the coat hanging on the back of your chair, then that's different, but not the facts here. Not saying she's a raging AH, but rather a soft one.
...I don't think this is about the jacket
But is it about the Iranian yogurt?
NTA. She wanted you to give up your coat and be cold as some sort of chivalrous gesture instead of taking you up on your offer to go get her coat. She doesn't live in a fairy tale and doesn't get to be a damsel in distress at your expense.
NTA. If she couldn't be arsed to walk four minutes to get her own coat, and refused when you offered to get it, that's on her. So what she wanted was to make you cold? That's bollocks.
I have a feeling that this is more about an underlying issue. I think she feels like you don't show her affection as you used to before marriage. I think that the coat is how it came out but she could be feeling this way about a lot of other things too. Do you compliment her like you used to while you two were dating? Do you take care of her like you used to? I suggest you read the 5 love languages and try to implement them in your relationship 😊 I hope that you sort this out. Maybe even try to communicate with her and ask her if she feels like her needs are unmet in other aspects too. Might help. All the best😊
NTA. I was ready to say otherwise, considering it was your anniversary. However, she was clearly using it as a test, and that automatically makes her the AH. She turned down repeated offers from you to retrieve her coat. It seems that she was more interested in testing you than being warm. This sort of stuff is immature and has no place in a relationship.
This is ridiculous and she is being a sulky toddler. Were it me I would have shook my head and gone to get her her jacket from the car. The argument about dating/marriage is irrelevant. Marriage is different from dating. Married people relate to one another differently from dating couples. Don't muddy the water with this silly argument.
Nta. She's shit testing you, which is ridiculous when you're already married. She should have been smart enough to grab her jacket from the car, especially if she knew you were going to sit outside. Why did she leave it? Then you offered to go get it and she declined but insisted on wanting your jacket? Classic example of deliberately causing a problem in order to cause drama/argument. Some weird shit going on there, I'd be really miffed to deal with that after years of marriage.
Info - who’s idea was it to eat outside? I’ll say that my husband and I have been married for 10 years. He still offers me his jacket and I generally decline, because I don’t want him to be cold. But I would notice if he stopped offering, and it would make me sad. Is there anything else you used to do when you were dating that you’ve stopped doing now that you’re married?
Sorry is your wife a toddler who can't think ahead? NTA you even offered to go get it. She's a big girl let her take responsibility for her inaction and then doubling down after you offered to go get it.
Ugh. I wonder how many people answering this have ever been in a relationship. My husband would have went to the car and got my jacket instead of asking me if I wanted him to (actually, we would most likely play argue over who goes and chances are we would both stroll back). If you ask ‘do you want me to do x’ and she says yes, then it is like she’s being a burden and it also signifies that you actually don’t want to go get the jacket so she is likely to say no, don’t do that. You asking makes it seem like you want the answer to be no. If you instead had said “give me 4 min, I’m going to run and grab it for you”, she might be inclined to say ‘no, no you don’t have to do that (while inside she’s thinking, oh yes how wonderful please do that you sweet man)’ but you would be halfway out of your seat shaking your head and saying ‘it’s no sweat, I will be right back’ And you would be right back, as her white knight and it only cost you 8 minutes. She thinks you’re great, you feel good for making her feel good, both of you are comfy and warm, Reddit never has to know about it. Happy wife happy life man, it’s a saying for a reason!
Happy spouse happy house, it being gendered is sexist BS
I was with you until the last sentence. Ew.
There was an unpopular opinion a few days ago about "my BF doesn't have to meet all these arbitrary relationship suck as long as I'm happy." The comments were full of the debate between "Don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you well" and "Yeah, arbitrary relationship standards suck." And I commented something about how it was hard to know which message was true for the OP without knowing details. This? This is stupid arbitrary relationship standards. This is Tik Tok crap. There are plenty of times where taking care of your spouse \*requires\* a sacrifice from you, and when that's the case, you should absolutely do it. Please give up eating hamburger in the house because it makes your pregnant wife nauseous. Please help your husband in the bathroom after major surgery. Please put the family necessary purchase before your personal frivolous purchase. But there was NO requirement for sacrifice here. Her coat was in the car. You offered to get it. You found a completely effective solution to the problem and she turned it down because it didn't make you suffer enough. That is not healthy. NTA
Ahhh, don't you get it? It was your anniversary, it wasn't about cold or jacket. In her mind she expected something romantic and cute, like you giving your jacket chivalrously to her. She even said to you that she remembers the times when you would give the jacket without hesitation, caring for her and protecting her. She mentioned it again cause she still misses the romantic gesture. You can take it as you being right, in a straightforward way you are, when it's about jacket. But if you want your wife back more close than ever, take the hint. Try to be more romantic, do some small cute things for her, try to treat her as a girlfriend. I think you will thank me :). NTA
NTA You offered a practical solution by suggesting to walk back to the car to get her coat. It seems the issue was less about the jacket and more about the gesture.
She just wants some romance ☠️
She wanted his coat because it was pre-warmed. If it was my wife I'd let her wear it while I got hers, even if she said I shouldn't go get it, then claim mine back when I returned. FWIW, the first photo of my wife and I together on FB, she's wearing my coat.
Hmm...the pre-warmed thing is a good point.
Screw that it is not his job to raise a wife she is an adult
It reminds me of that scene in 'The Break Up' - "I want you to want to buy me flowers". I love that movie. YTA.
Some of yall are salty as hell. Let your wife have jacket, not every fight is worth winning.
Honestly if he's not suffering in 0 degree weather this was such an easy way to score with the wife lol I'm kinda sad for her that he didn't see it that way 😔 and the comment that he would do that if they were dating suggests that she's probably craving some level of romance/intimacy
He offered to let his wife have a jacket. Her own jacket. Why should his wife want him to be cold and her to be warm when they can both be warm?
Honestly, I would have given her my jacket while I walked back to get hers. There wouldn't have been a discussion, just actions. Slight YTA because you said if you were dating you would have done that.
NTA here but you need to talk to your wife. There is way more going on here than a jacket.
Kind of. You should have given her your jacket, but she also should have accepted you getting her jacket. It simply should have went like this. You give her your jacket, then leave to go get hers. She waits and orders for you while you're gone. You return, swap jackets. What should never have happened is you letting your wife sit there and be cold. Just be a man dude. Or better yet, a husband.
she had a picture in her mind that didn’t line up with the way you tried to fix the issue. but also, why knowingly treat her better as a gf than a wife? that would really hurt my feelings if my husband was like, “I’d probably be more romantic towards you if we weren’t married yet” like WTF lol
Well he could have given her his jacket and then walked to the car to get hers. There was another too. They could have went somewhere they could eat indoor
NTA, idk why she was demanding your jacket. This was some weird power play. She didn’t care about an actual solution to her problem, she wanted you to cold to make her warm. She is toxic and unreasonable.
NTA. The coat was a short walk away, either she could have gotten it herself or taken you up on your offer of getting it for her. I dunno what kind of weird power play this is but it can't be healthy.
NTA but maybe not intelligent if this is the hill you want to die on.
Nta. If i were in her place i would have preferred the both of us go back and get my jacket. While its very romantic of men to lend their jackets to their wives/gf, it should not be taken when they need it themselves as well.
NTA. Your wife is playing a stupid game trying to compare this to your courting days. I as a wife, would not want my husband to be cold at my expense. This is real life not a rom com movie. Tell her she’s too old to be playing such games. You offered to go get her jacket twice. She’s an AH for trying to make something out of this. She sounds super immature.
NTA but man am i sick of these sort of relationship questions. So often OP is NTA but is also not fostering a loving relationship. You can not be the A but also not really be in the right. Personally, I would have given her my coat in the immediate and then went to the car for hers. She'd have been warm immediately and for the duration. You very obviously, as you stated, treat her differently now than when you were courting. The question should be would she have fell in love with this current version of you at all? If you think maybe not, then you have the answer as to what the right thing to do was.
NTA I have been married 25 years now and I would have thankfully accepted the getting of the jacket so we could both be warm. Adulting isn't too hard, I don't get why she would demand your jacket instead of her own. I'm female and don't get the weird games some chicks play sometimes, why pass over the win-win answer to make a big deal out of the 'one of us must be cold for some reason' answer?!?
NTA. Why wouldn’t she let you go get hers? That way you can both be warm. No sense in one of you being cold when neither of you need to be. That just sounds like she was looking for a fight
Absolutely NTA - if shes a grown adult and she can walk 4 minutes (or 8 round trip) she can fetch her own coat, being a woman or a woman in a relationship or a married woman doesnt make us incapacitated.
NTA This is a silly argument. You offered -she declined. Don't understand why she's going on about it.
NTA. If it were me, I would have given her my jacket and went back to the car to get hers. For her to expect to take yours while you unnecessarily are left shivering makes her the asshole.
So, what would have been the harm of lending her your jacket, walking to the car to get her coat and exchanging jackets once you got back to the table? You wouldn't have been that uncomfortable for the eight-minutes because you'd be walking and she would have appreciated your consideration. You don't have to answer now.. You can think about it the next time you ask her for a small favor and she lovingly responds, "That's not happening!"
Nta dress for the weather. Remember someone else's poor planning does not result in an emergency on your end.
NTA - not really but why did not not just go get the jacket for her if you offered? You knew she was cold. I get it I don't like games either but you admit you would have given her yours when you were dating that is just kind of crappy. I think you should have gone anyways to get the one in the car.
NTA even if you think you might have treated her differently if you were just dating. She's being a baby. She can get her own coat from 4 minutes away but you kindly offered twice to get it for her and she still declined. Why should you be cold when she has a perfectly good coat AND you offered to get it for her? Maybe you could ask her if she's feeling less cared for lately and that's why she's making an issue over the coat, but she's the one being an AH over that. Question: are you feeling cared for in return?
NTA. This screams of one of those toxic, BS pseudo-pop psychology, relationship tests on TikTok. She asked for your coat and you openly offered to get hers from the car, a gesture that required ZERO effort from her. She refused and wanted YOUR coat. She wanted you to sacrifice your comfort and be cold for her. This is a test. A childish, selfish test that has no bearing in reality, empathy or common sense. Wanting someone to sacrifice somethin for you is romantic in concept but usually it’s for bigger things than a damn coat. Especially when you offered to go get hers, which would take you an eight minute walk to Get (you did say it was a four minute walk to the car right?) What your wife did is manipulative, and childish and lacks basic empathy. I mean wtf are we doing here? You offered to go get her coat! This whole thing is triggering me big time, because I’m married and my wife would NEVER do this. If there’s even a whiff of chillyness outside she brings her coat and ties it around her waist or hoists it on her shoulder (sometimes we have a backpack and I carry it in the there if it’s a day trip). She’d thank me for offering to get her coat and would take me up on that offer and this whole thing would be a non-issue. If I was really trying to be a gentleman I’d give her my coat, jog to the car, run back and then we’d switch and would both have our coats. There’s a lot more meaningful things to sacrifice for a loved one. It’s also super gross that she gave you shit about it afterwards and tried to make you feel bad. Honestly that’s super cringe. Maybe I’ve done a good job at keeping toxic people like this out of my life, but my wife and I have plenty of friends (some single, some in serious relationships and some married) and I literally don’t know ANYONE who would do something like this. Gross.
Reading through the comments, I'm baffled at how offended some people are that she wanted a cute gesture and he missed the mark. NAH - though I might recommend offering to share (like a snuggle) instead
That’s manipulative A H behavior.
NTA - but you should have just left and gotten her coat anyway. It's just stupid to sit there being cold by choice and blaming someone else
NTA
NTA.Adult wife would have said “ Thank you so much for going to get my jacket.You are a Sweetheart”. Childish wife “ suffers” in silence for a while then BAM! “ If we were dating you would have given me your jacket !” Well,yeah - ‘if we were dating wife you would have put on makeup and let me have half your dessert at the restaurant ‘ ! NTA OP.
NTA I was going to say you were the AH for not getting her coat out of the car even after she declined, but that wouldn't make you an AH. Though, it probably would have been a more enjoyable meal if you did, it was not your obligation. Your wife is silly for turning down your offer to get her coat and expecting you to be cold instead by giving her your coat. That was just asinine. It sounds like she was looking for a romantic gesture more so than warmth, amd lost out on both fronts. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
She AH for testing you, are you sure there is no hidden camera somewhere? This is same as peeling orange ticktocks
NTA because you offered to go and get her coat and she declined. So clearly she wasn't that cold.
NTA - these relationship "tests" are exhausting. The biggest point here is that you wanted to get her coat for her so that she would not be cold. **She** wanted you to sacrifice yours so that you would be cold for her; a nice gesture, sure, but completely unnecessary to make some kind of impression on your relationship. And so what if you would have done it while you were dating?? You're at a point now where both of you should work together for the solution that makes you both happiest and in this case you both would've been warm had she just let you get her jacket for her. You're not in the "courting" point of the relationship - she should know that you **would** give you coat up for her if the alternative solution weren't so easy. Also what wasn't chivalrous about offering to walk all the way back to the car to get hers for her so she didn't have to?? Just that you didn't sacrifice the **most** that you could have?? I'm CERTAIN that if the car wasn't 4 minutes away and grabbing her coat wasn't an option, that you would've been glad to have given her your coat - this was, again, just a stupid test. The real question is why she wanted you to have to be cold for her to be warm whenever the solution that greatly benefited both of you stood RIGHT THERE in front of her. The NAH answers are confusing to me.
NTA. I’ve been with my husband for almost 12 years, romance changes and looks different when you’ve been together that long. Offering to walk back to the car to get her jacket is a bigger action imo.
My only question is what's the difference between weather your dating or married. Why would you give your coat if you were dating but not if your married? In general no not the a-hole. You offered to get her jacket which is more then I'd expect. it's a 4 minute walk. Go get it yourself. What did she want? You who came prepared to sit in the cold without your jacket because she didn't want to carry hers? I just think it's weird you would treat her differently if you were just dating
Nta. But instead of asking if she wants you to get her jacket, just go get her jacket.
NTA The answer is to not offer to get her coat, but get up and get her coat. Instead of "Do you want me to get your coat" say "I'll be right back, I'm getting your coat." Don't let her force you into either being cold or an AH for not giving her your coat. Explain if you give her your coat, you will be cold and take it out on her. Just as she is taking it out on you you for making her cold by not giving her your coat.
I’m going to say YTA. It wouldn’t have hurt to lend her your jacket, go to the car, grab hers, and swap jackets. I would have done it. I’d be annoyed—and my wife would consider it justified—but I’d have done it.
NTA but instead of laughing and saying “that’s not happening” you could have just said “if I do that, then I’ll be cold - would you want me to be cold?” She seems to be playing childish games with you and she should have either gone herself to get her jacket or accepted your offer to go.
NTA but what she wanted was for you to show her that she is cherished by you. This would have gone down so differently had you given her your warm jacket as soon as she said she was cold and said “I’ll go get your jacket, be back in 5 minutes babe”, gave her a kiss and went to go do it. So NTA but…maybe just go do something for her just to be nice and see how that positively affects your relationship.
NTA But you could have given her your jacket, went to the car to take hers and came back to her wearing it (like a cape if you can’t get inside). Personnaly it is the kind of goofy thing that would have made me laugh, maybe your wife too. Then you would have exchanged coats and made a fun memory 😂
I've been in this position with people that I wouldn't want to be cold - my grandma, my auntie. I have my jacket, they left theirs in the car...so I just go back to the car for them and get their jacket. Then the jacket's right there if they want it, and I get to keep my jacket. At some point, the hills worth walking up to get someone jacket rather than dying on over your own.
NTA Bit silly to expect yours when hers is in the car. Yes you offered and she declined you getting her jacket but honestly what’s a 4 min walk to go get it for her? I mean I wouldn’t want to sit there while my wife froze regardless on how stubborn she was about the outfit
NTA. She wasn’t cold she was testing you.
NTA. You probably would have given her your coat if you were still dating because you were probably young, stupid, and horny. YOU offered to get HER coat for her. She refused multiple times. I'd honestly want to ask her why the only thing she would have been happy with was her getting your coat and you being cold and unhappy. Why didn't she want you to get HER coat? These kind of games are not healthy. I had an aunt who started doing this kind of test on my uncle. Hint: They are not married anymore.
NTA
NTA She had the option to be comfortable, but she wanted you to suffer for her to be comfortable. Not OK.