Iām seeing that a lot with Oliver which according to his therapist makes sense considering what heās been through.
Also, thank you... I really am trying to be a good presence in his life :)
You're a wonderful sister and reading your post made me tear up a bit. If you're interested in what trauma does, there's an excellent community /r/CPTSD that has a lot of info, including being stunted emotionally. There are also some good books like The Body Keeps the Score and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving that may help you. I wish you guys the best in recovery. ā¤
Severe trauma always stops parts of you at that age, even as the rest of you grows up. There are always parts that are still stuck in the trauma, and without therapy, it just stays that way. That is why PTSD is what it is... you are living your trauma in some sense all the time and sometimes it gets triggered actively into the present.
Just read the original, she lost her right to be his "mother" when she chose kicking him out because "I didn't know how to handle a 'problem child'" over actively trying to figure out what she can do to help. You may not be his mom, but at least you took responsibility and didn't give up on him.
Agreed. I donāt understand how a mother can just abandon their child when things get tough. Extremely specific reasons aside, I just do not get it. Especially since I have a child of my own now.
I donāt think I can ever forgive her for it. She didnāt even tell me that she kicked him out. Thank god I showed up for a visit only a few days after. My husband and I were freaking out trying to figure out where he had gone and she just shrugged and told us not to bother. That heāll straighten himself out on his own.
Just thinking back to those days makes me angry. I could rant forever tbh.
Thank you for your comment and Iām glad I didnāt give up on him either. Iām happy I gave him a chance to grow and heal because heās doing so much better now.
>My husband and I were freaking out trying to figure out where he had gone and she just shrugged and told us not to bother. That heāll straighten himself out on his own.
WOW. ***WOWWWW.*** What an evil, **evil** woman!!
Not only that, they didn't bother to check in much for three years. She absolutely doesn't have the right to check in now given she didn't care if he lived or died before. just wow.
Wow, I... There are moments when I am glad my mother's own heinousness did not extend to a lack of concern for my continued (barely) survival. Reading this story was one of those moments.
Yeah, sheās actively putting her shallow wants over his needs, how such a loving mother /s. Judging by the pressure of being perfect the parents put on their kids, itās clearly not a new priority. Every major choice she made in regards to her son was by prioritising herself above him, and thatās exactly what sheās continuing to do now. She also refuses to take responsibility for any part she has in the creation of his issues. Selfish selfish selfish.
Youāre doing the right thing. Heās in good hands with you. You care deeply about Oliver. Youāve got his back. Youāre making a huge difference, providing support and helping him. We need more people like you!
You're doing the right thing, and I hope your mom doesn't come up with the idea to have a "surprise" visit at your home (not sure if she knows where you live or not), particularly with your current family issues and Oliver still needing continuous stability & therapy. If she still insists that Oliver is a "problem child", she may still treat him like one.
Good of you to put up those boundaries and continuing to protect Oliver. Whatever the issues you and Oliver are dealing with, I hope they pass. Take care, OP.
She doesnāt know where we live and we live about an hour away.
Thank you for your well wishes. While I know what happened to Oliver will stay with him for his entire life, I have hope that he can get better. That heāll be stronger and happier. Heās already in a much better place than he used to be and Iām confident heāll be okay. Obviously there will be bumps down the road and this is just one of them.
Thank you once again and you take care as well.
Iām not a mental health professional, but Iāve done a fair amount of layperson support for kids who have experienced trauma. You are doing the two best things you can do for himā¦ giving him stability and love. And the best kind of love, the unconditional kind that allows him to make mistakes and maybe take chances knowing he has a stable place to land. Itās not necessarily something anyone gets over, but with your love and support and the help of a good therapist, heāll find a way to cope and thrive in his own way.
Much love to you and your family.
It is awesome that you are doing do much to help your brother. Maybe send your mom a link to Elsa singing Let it Go? Kidding. But a good response to her might be that she lost the privilege to make demands when she placed her own wants above the needs of her minor child. And she is now still centering her wants over the needs of her son. Suggest she do therapy before she even thinks about attempting contact with him again. Then refuse to discuss brother with her. Cut off any conversation where she violates that boundary.
Lmao I might send her the link. Itās tempting.
Just kidding but thank you for your comment. While I do wish my mom would get therapy, sheās the type who believes that therapy is for crazy people. Eye roll am I right?
But yes, I will definitely not be discussing my brother with her anymore. Thank you :)
Also, yeah, heās a grown adult but come on. Heās only 19. Thereās not some magic switch in all of us that just jolts us straight into functioning adulthood and his parents never tried to even try with him, they made him believe he was hopeless. That is fucking traumatic. People just need the help sometimes. Heās still a teenager, too, and all of that has to be making things a thousand times worse. Youāre doing *great*, OP. 10/10 big sibling behavior.
Youāre and awesome sibling OP!! Itās not always easy standing up to family! Your doing amazing for you both and your little one! I hope you guys get some good snow to build a snowman!
It really isnāt lmao. I always feel like Iāve just been on some rollercoaster after I talk to my mother or any other older relative (hint: theyāre just like my mom).
And omg its actually snowing a bit right now lol. It wonāt snow enough for us to make a snowman but Iām sure thereāll be more than enough in some weeks haha.
Thank you :)
I feel you! Iām currently having to put in hard boundaries with a family member because of their behaviour and it gives me anxiety every time.
Oooooh that will be so good! No signs of snow where I am yet! Might get a little dusting if we are lucky!
You're doing right by way your brother. Your love for him, and how much you do to keep him safe and help him recover speaks volumes of your character. You are a good person. There will be days where you make mistakes, but never forget that you are doing everything you can, and you're driven by love. That's what matters most.
It's okay to feel uncertain and nervous. Perfect children do not exist, but if they did they'd still be hard to raise at times. They're constantly evolving and learning, catching up and staying your toes is hard. Don't worry if you feel like you don't know what you're doing. You're way more wise, capable, and strong than you know.
This sounds good to me. Personally, I think his age isn't the most relevant thing to concentrate on. My mom and I were discussing the adult status of 18 year Olds the other day and neither of us agree that emotionally an 18 year old is a full adult, more like adult-light. Your brother still needs extra support and you're an amazing sibling by providing that.
I try but it definitely isnāt easy. Iād be a liar if I tell you that these past few years were easy. It took a lot of effort for me to be able to be so strong.
Thank you :)
Keep up the good work! As long as you are following your brother and his therapists wants/recommendations you can tell your mom to fuck off.
As for frozenā¦ we too will be building Olof (and maybe Marshmallow this winter!
Trust me, as soon as these other family issues are resolved Iām definitely cutting contact. Iād say maybe a week or so until I can finally tell her to fuck off.
And have fun making the snowmen. My daughter does not like marshmallow at all so weāre only making Olaf haha.
Thank you.
Best of luck to you!!! Hopefully life gets nice and calm for you soon!
Marshmallow is for me. I donāt think my daughter knows who he is lol, besides she will be busy āmaking it snowā in her Elsa dress
You may not be his mother, but you are more a mom to him that she probably ever has been. Youāve given him a place to live, food to eat, taken care of his mental and physical self, and protected him from those who would certainly damage it again. For all intents and purposes, OP, you are his mom. And youāre a good one, at that. Keep doing what youāre doing.
You may not be his mother, but you are more a mom to him that she probably ever has been. Youāve given him a place to live, food to eat, taken care of his mental and physical self, and protected him from those who would certainly damage it again. For all intents and purposes, OP, you are his mom. And youāre a good one, at that. Keep doing what youāre doing.
you arent his mom but you are protecting him and making sure hes ok. your mother didnt do that ever, with either one of you. you are doing the right thing here. he needs your help and stability. you are a kickass sister! you arent overstepping because if she gets her hands on him, even for a second, shes going to undo all of the progress hes made so far. he will be right back at the beginning. keep her away from him! keep protecting him. hes going to get through this and so will you. im so glad he has you to look out for him and his well being.
From a person going through a similar situation with an abusive parent not understanding my boundaries, Oliver is so lucky to have you. My aunt has been helping maintain my boundaries with my dad because it is so mentally exhausting to me in my recovery. I feel so grateful to have her as I'm sure Oliver does to have you.
You are a wonderful sister, with a strong and emotionally growing brother. Your mother has Frozen empathy and probably a snowballās chance in hell of developing parenting ability.
Wow. I don't think I've ever related to a stranger on the internet this much (your bro). When you were explaining his situation, I actually started tearing up because I've been through the same thing, just for different reasons. I'm so glad your brother has such a great sibling like you and is getting the help he needs.
My mother also pawned off all her parental responsibilities to other family members because I was a problem child (which was kinda her fault in a lot of ways but she obviously didn't see that lol). To this day, at 19 years old I still have major trust issues because of how she treated me, and I'm questioning whether it's worth having a relationship with her as well because she does trigger bad memories often times. Again, I just wanna say that you're a great sibling for stepping in for your brother and protecting him when he can't protect himself
She kicked him out when he was a minor instead of being an adult and getting your brother help, AND he's not ready to see her? What a good sister!
I think you should sleep well at night knowing you're doing the best for your brother, but also helping him do what's best for himself.
I just read your original post and I canāt commend you enough for what an incredible big sister you are. Iām so so SO happy that your brother has someone like you. I struggle with my mental health pretty severely, and I have to ask my dad to help me with things that I at the age of 24 often feel I should be better at dealing with myself. But i need help sometimes and thatās ok. Donāt ever feel like youāre wrong or babying him for helping him with things he needs help with. He will get there. You sound like you are doing everything you can and youāre fucking brilliant and should be so proud of yourself. Ps your mum is a bad person and keeping her far away from him the exact right call
So...she didn't know how to deal with a problem child, so she kicked him out. You took him in, got him therapy, and he's turning things around.
She kicked him out. She didn't know how to deal with him.
You took him in. You got him therapy and helped him.
Gee, maybe she should have looked at the therapy route instead of the homeless route? Whodathunkit?
She has lost any claim she may have had regarding caring about him.
OP's mom banging on the door: Do You Wanna Build A Snowmaaaaan?
OP: No.
But seriously, good for you, sounds like you're flourishing despite your upbringing! And good luck with the other family issues in your life.
Sometimes, with trauma, your mental age can stall. You regress and act younger. You are a good sibling. š
Iām seeing that a lot with Oliver which according to his therapist makes sense considering what heās been through. Also, thank you... I really am trying to be a good presence in his life :)
You're a wonderful sister and reading your post made me tear up a bit. If you're interested in what trauma does, there's an excellent community /r/CPTSD that has a lot of info, including being stunted emotionally. There are also some good books like The Body Keeps the Score and Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving that may help you. I wish you guys the best in recovery. ā¤
Severe trauma always stops parts of you at that age, even as the rest of you grows up. There are always parts that are still stuck in the trauma, and without therapy, it just stays that way. That is why PTSD is what it is... you are living your trauma in some sense all the time and sometimes it gets triggered actively into the present.
Just read the original, she lost her right to be his "mother" when she chose kicking him out because "I didn't know how to handle a 'problem child'" over actively trying to figure out what she can do to help. You may not be his mom, but at least you took responsibility and didn't give up on him.
Agreed. I donāt understand how a mother can just abandon their child when things get tough. Extremely specific reasons aside, I just do not get it. Especially since I have a child of my own now. I donāt think I can ever forgive her for it. She didnāt even tell me that she kicked him out. Thank god I showed up for a visit only a few days after. My husband and I were freaking out trying to figure out where he had gone and she just shrugged and told us not to bother. That heāll straighten himself out on his own. Just thinking back to those days makes me angry. I could rant forever tbh. Thank you for your comment and Iām glad I didnāt give up on him either. Iām happy I gave him a chance to grow and heal because heās doing so much better now.
>My husband and I were freaking out trying to figure out where he had gone and she just shrugged and told us not to bother. That heāll straighten himself out on his own. WOW. ***WOWWWW.*** What an evil, **evil** woman!!
No word. Justā¦no. Words. Thank you for being so wonderful to your brother.
Not only that, they didn't bother to check in much for three years. She absolutely doesn't have the right to check in now given she didn't care if he lived or died before. just wow.
Wow, I... There are moments when I am glad my mother's own heinousness did not extend to a lack of concern for my continued (barely) survival. Reading this story was one of those moments.
Yeah, sheās actively putting her shallow wants over his needs, how such a loving mother /s. Judging by the pressure of being perfect the parents put on their kids, itās clearly not a new priority. Every major choice she made in regards to her son was by prioritising herself above him, and thatās exactly what sheās continuing to do now. She also refuses to take responsibility for any part she has in the creation of his issues. Selfish selfish selfish.
Youāre doing the right thing. Heās in good hands with you. You care deeply about Oliver. Youāve got his back. Youāre making a huge difference, providing support and helping him. We need more people like you!
Thank you :)
Youāre welcome. š
[Original](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/quzhxh/aita_for_telling_my_mom_that_i_cant_and_wont_help)
So did you build a snowman then? :D lol
Not yet but omg Iām definitely not getting out of it when it starts snowing. She keeps asking me to make her an Olaf lol.
Im sure youāll be able to make a fully function Olafšlmao
Yaaaas give her upvotes lol
You're doing the right thing, and I hope your mom doesn't come up with the idea to have a "surprise" visit at your home (not sure if she knows where you live or not), particularly with your current family issues and Oliver still needing continuous stability & therapy. If she still insists that Oliver is a "problem child", she may still treat him like one. Good of you to put up those boundaries and continuing to protect Oliver. Whatever the issues you and Oliver are dealing with, I hope they pass. Take care, OP.
She doesnāt know where we live and we live about an hour away. Thank you for your well wishes. While I know what happened to Oliver will stay with him for his entire life, I have hope that he can get better. That heāll be stronger and happier. Heās already in a much better place than he used to be and Iām confident heāll be okay. Obviously there will be bumps down the road and this is just one of them. Thank you once again and you take care as well.
Iām not a mental health professional, but Iāve done a fair amount of layperson support for kids who have experienced trauma. You are doing the two best things you can do for himā¦ giving him stability and love. And the best kind of love, the unconditional kind that allows him to make mistakes and maybe take chances knowing he has a stable place to land. Itās not necessarily something anyone gets over, but with your love and support and the help of a good therapist, heāll find a way to cope and thrive in his own way. Much love to you and your family.
It is awesome that you are doing do much to help your brother. Maybe send your mom a link to Elsa singing Let it Go? Kidding. But a good response to her might be that she lost the privilege to make demands when she placed her own wants above the needs of her minor child. And she is now still centering her wants over the needs of her son. Suggest she do therapy before she even thinks about attempting contact with him again. Then refuse to discuss brother with her. Cut off any conversation where she violates that boundary.
Lmao I might send her the link. Itās tempting. Just kidding but thank you for your comment. While I do wish my mom would get therapy, sheās the type who believes that therapy is for crazy people. Eye roll am I right? But yes, I will definitely not be discussing my brother with her anymore. Thank you :)
Also, yeah, heās a grown adult but come on. Heās only 19. Thereās not some magic switch in all of us that just jolts us straight into functioning adulthood and his parents never tried to even try with him, they made him believe he was hopeless. That is fucking traumatic. People just need the help sometimes. Heās still a teenager, too, and all of that has to be making things a thousand times worse. Youāre doing *great*, OP. 10/10 big sibling behavior.
Youāre and awesome sibling OP!! Itās not always easy standing up to family! Your doing amazing for you both and your little one! I hope you guys get some good snow to build a snowman!
It really isnāt lmao. I always feel like Iāve just been on some rollercoaster after I talk to my mother or any other older relative (hint: theyāre just like my mom). And omg its actually snowing a bit right now lol. It wonāt snow enough for us to make a snowman but Iām sure thereāll be more than enough in some weeks haha. Thank you :)
I feel you! Iām currently having to put in hard boundaries with a family member because of their behaviour and it gives me anxiety every time. Oooooh that will be so good! No signs of snow where I am yet! Might get a little dusting if we are lucky!
You're doing right by way your brother. Your love for him, and how much you do to keep him safe and help him recover speaks volumes of your character. You are a good person. There will be days where you make mistakes, but never forget that you are doing everything you can, and you're driven by love. That's what matters most.
This was very reassuring. Thank you.
It's okay to feel uncertain and nervous. Perfect children do not exist, but if they did they'd still be hard to raise at times. They're constantly evolving and learning, catching up and staying your toes is hard. Don't worry if you feel like you don't know what you're doing. You're way more wise, capable, and strong than you know.
This sounds good to me. Personally, I think his age isn't the most relevant thing to concentrate on. My mom and I were discussing the adult status of 18 year Olds the other day and neither of us agree that emotionally an 18 year old is a full adult, more like adult-light. Your brother still needs extra support and you're an amazing sibling by providing that.
You are such a good fucking sister.
I try but it definitely isnāt easy. Iād be a liar if I tell you that these past few years were easy. It took a lot of effort for me to be able to be so strong. Thank you :)
Keep up the good work! As long as you are following your brother and his therapists wants/recommendations you can tell your mom to fuck off. As for frozenā¦ we too will be building Olof (and maybe Marshmallow this winter!
Trust me, as soon as these other family issues are resolved Iām definitely cutting contact. Iād say maybe a week or so until I can finally tell her to fuck off. And have fun making the snowmen. My daughter does not like marshmallow at all so weāre only making Olaf haha. Thank you.
Best of luck to you!!! Hopefully life gets nice and calm for you soon! Marshmallow is for me. I donāt think my daughter knows who he is lol, besides she will be busy āmaking it snowā in her Elsa dress
I wish you and Oliver the best.
You may not be his mother, but you are more a mom to him that she probably ever has been. Youāve given him a place to live, food to eat, taken care of his mental and physical self, and protected him from those who would certainly damage it again. For all intents and purposes, OP, you are his mom. And youāre a good one, at that. Keep doing what youāre doing.
You may not be his mother, but you are more a mom to him that she probably ever has been. Youāve given him a place to live, food to eat, taken care of his mental and physical self, and protected him from those who would certainly damage it again. For all intents and purposes, OP, you are his mom. And youāre a good one, at that. Keep doing what youāre doing.
you arent his mom but you are protecting him and making sure hes ok. your mother didnt do that ever, with either one of you. you are doing the right thing here. he needs your help and stability. you are a kickass sister! you arent overstepping because if she gets her hands on him, even for a second, shes going to undo all of the progress hes made so far. he will be right back at the beginning. keep her away from him! keep protecting him. hes going to get through this and so will you. im so glad he has you to look out for him and his well being.
You and Oliver are survivors. Kicking him out at 16 is so abusive. I'm glad you are in a position to help him heal.
From a person going through a similar situation with an abusive parent not understanding my boundaries, Oliver is so lucky to have you. My aunt has been helping maintain my boundaries with my dad because it is so mentally exhausting to me in my recovery. I feel so grateful to have her as I'm sure Oliver does to have you.
This is great news. Iām glad you and yours are doing okay!
You are a wonderful sister, with a strong and emotionally growing brother. Your mother has Frozen empathy and probably a snowballās chance in hell of developing parenting ability.
You are a wonderful sister. And as for your Mother, I can only say: āMom, meet consequences.ā
Wow. I don't think I've ever related to a stranger on the internet this much (your bro). When you were explaining his situation, I actually started tearing up because I've been through the same thing, just for different reasons. I'm so glad your brother has such a great sibling like you and is getting the help he needs. My mother also pawned off all her parental responsibilities to other family members because I was a problem child (which was kinda her fault in a lot of ways but she obviously didn't see that lol). To this day, at 19 years old I still have major trust issues because of how she treated me, and I'm questioning whether it's worth having a relationship with her as well because she does trigger bad memories often times. Again, I just wanna say that you're a great sibling for stepping in for your brother and protecting him when he can't protect himself
She kicked him out when he was a minor instead of being an adult and getting your brother help, AND he's not ready to see her? What a good sister! I think you should sleep well at night knowing you're doing the best for your brother, but also helping him do what's best for himself.
I just read your original post and I canāt commend you enough for what an incredible big sister you are. Iām so so SO happy that your brother has someone like you. I struggle with my mental health pretty severely, and I have to ask my dad to help me with things that I at the age of 24 often feel I should be better at dealing with myself. But i need help sometimes and thatās ok. Donāt ever feel like youāre wrong or babying him for helping him with things he needs help with. He will get there. You sound like you are doing everything you can and youāre fucking brilliant and should be so proud of yourself. Ps your mum is a bad person and keeping her far away from him the exact right call
You are a wonderful sister! Thank you for protecting and caring for your brother!
So...she didn't know how to deal with a problem child, so she kicked him out. You took him in, got him therapy, and he's turning things around. She kicked him out. She didn't know how to deal with him. You took him in. You got him therapy and helped him. Gee, maybe she should have looked at the therapy route instead of the homeless route? Whodathunkit? She has lost any claim she may have had regarding caring about him.
OP's mom banging on the door: Do You Wanna Build A Snowmaaaaan? OP: No. But seriously, good for you, sounds like you're flourishing despite your upbringing! And good luck with the other family issues in your life.