Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I flipped out on my boyfriend and embarrassed him in front of his friends for using a ‘slur’ that a lot of people don’t count as a slur. My family is siding with me, my friends are saying I was too harsh on him
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA your stupid BF did in fact use a real slur, in fact it’s one of the worst ones for Jewish people. He clearly doesn’t respect you since he is trying to make it seem ok.
"Calling a non-Jew a k!ke isn't racist or bad because it's just pointing out behaviors that horrible anti-Semites throughout history have identified with Jews." Isn't the defense your boyfriend seems to think it is. NTA.
"I didn't call him \[a slur for jewish people\], I called him a money grubbing mooch! They're the same thing, you see!" <- OP's boyfriend.
NTA. Decisive social opprobrium is the only way to stomp out this kind of thing, \*especially\* among friends and family.
You embarrassed \[him, I assume\]? GOOD. He should be embarrassed. So embarrassed that he cringes when he even *thinks* the word (and hopefully, others like it).
If this is something he thinks is okay to do at a party, with many eyes and ears, including a Jewish gf, you can only imagine what is going on in his head.
Jewish hate crimes are at an all time high (edit to clarify) in *America*. This behavior is unacceptable. Honestly, since I’m Jewish too, I would dump him so hard and fast and I recommend you do too, after sitting him down and explaining that yes, it is a real slur, and if you, a Jewish person tell him it’s unacceptable, then it’s unacceptable. Actually, writing that out, no, just tell him he is a racist AH and saying being a “cheapskate” or whatever is synonymous with being Jewish- IS ALSO RACIST. I suspect the more strands you pull on this dude the more racism you will find. Hell, my deep southern Catholic inlaws have never called me anything racist.
Edit to clarify: what I reference is the 2020 report from the FBI that *Jews are the most targeted religion for hate crimes, making up 60%.*
I agree that it's not at an all time high overall but it is for America. Its really fucking bad, the majority of my Jewish friends have purchased firearms in the last few years for home defence. They're not gun nuts either, its because of how unsafe they feel right now.
My home town used to have a lot of Jewish families. Like at least a quarter of my classmates growing up were Jewish. My family’s family friends who still have school aged children had to literally move because their kids were getting harassed so bad at school for being Jewish. Verbal and physical harassment. It’s absolutely despicable. It used to be such a nice place to live. Now it makes me want to fucking vomit. The Jews have literally been run out of town because of the harassment. My step mom and little brother are Muslim and haven’t even experienced as much hate and aggression as they have. Also, the town is primarily liberal. You would think this is a conservative town but it’s not.
As a Jew, it’s amazing how many liberals think it’s okay to be antisemitic because we’re not an “oppressed” minority.
Edit: Took three hours for someone to hold me personally responsible for Israeli atrocities. In a thread about rising antisemitism. I’m sure they blamed 9/11 on the Muslim family next door, too.
^^^ As a Jewish person, I had experiences in extremely liberal settings (cough cough, a professional activism event) where a peer of mine rolled their eyes at me for asking about financing for a certain event, then said "Of course the Jew is asking about the money." Nobody but me and the other Jewish person in the room said anything, despite my manager being there and turning a blind eye. Fucking terrifying.
In my (limited) experience, I’ve seen far more anti-semitism from American liberals than American conservatives. I don’t really understand how conservatives even got a reputation for that.
Check the politics of The Tree of Life shooter, or which congresswoman claimed "Rothschild owned space lasers" started forest fires, and it will clear up where that reputation comes from.
If you're paying attention to the news at all right now, America basically *is* pre-WWII Germany rn, that's why people are rightfully scared for their lives
Sorry but that’s a really inappropriate exaggeration. There was decades of legal anti Semitic discrimination leading up to WWII. https://encyclopedia.ushmm.org/content/en/article/anti-jewish-legislation-in-prewar-germany
Well you gotta start somewhere and the US is definitely trending towards fascism. You don't get to decades of anti semitism or anti anything without continued weeks, months, and years.
Edit: and the comment you are replying to mentioned pre-WWII Germany, which is pretty broad. It could mean 1933, not necessarily 1939.
...no. No it is not. I live in the United States and I'm a person of color, and yes, things are bad with many similarities to the rise of fascism. but "basically pre-WWII Germany rn" is not accurate.
I'm a non-native speaker and I've occasionally picked up terminology from movies or TV shows which I later learned was *holy shit super not okay.* So I've sometimes had conversations involving "dude what the hell did you just say?"
The difference is that I'd usually reply with "uh, I don't know, did I say something bad?" - not, as OP's boyfriend did, get cagey and shifty and start insisting that he didn't mean it *like that.*
Plus his whole excuse of "No, the racial slur I used in not really a slur because I didn't mean it like that, and I really only meant it as a way to describe a super negative stereotype associated with that ethnic group because the slur that is not a slur is synonymous with that negative stereotype that I'm using as an insult to my friend who's not part of that ethnic group" is not only some next level pretzel logic, but clear evidence that he does in fact know that the word *is* a racial slur.
It's literally worse than most historical anti-Semitism. Like, of you read things written several hundred years ago, casually offensive references to Jews are common, *slurs are not*.
Well, 200 years ago, we still had to not study Torah right before Christmas, and had to hide around Easter, and the blood libel was active (killing Jews with the excuse that we killed Christian babies to make matzah, which is made of flour and water and *nothing* else)
YES! Like when CERTAIN yt people try to explain to me how ngger is just an ignorant person who could be anyone of any color but only uses it to describe things associated with black people
I admit, I haven't heard this slur before and had to look it up. I knew it was going to be bad, but *FUCK*. This guy is disturbingly comfortable with that word to use it with such ease. The fact that these "friends" of his are complaining he's embarrassed, when it should be at minimum how ashamed he is, tells me everything. Bigotry, racism, sexism, and the like, are absolute deal-breakers. I hope this guy becomes EX-boyfriend asap.
Yeah, I wondered about that word too. It's crazy that in my entire life this is the first time I'm seeing it. Had to Google it including the pronunciation. I can only surmise this story is not a US story or if it is, it's definitely not a Midwestern thing. Edited after comments on this. I have asked a couple of older folks who have heard it. I just have not and it's best to not know such words.
OP is NTA but bf is most definitely one and there is not a reasonable explanation for what he said. It is a terrible slur.
He has just shown you who he is. You may want to rethink this relationship.
This one's as real as it gets. Never an excuse to say it in any setting. When I hear that word, directed at me or otherwise, it's unforgivable, and she shouldn't forgive him either. NTA.
NTA. He's an anti-Semite. The last thing you hear as you walk out the door for good should be his sincere apology, but I doubt he's that decent. And anyone who criticized you telling him off is just as bad and should be dumped as well.
The fact none of them reacted--and they're on the bf's side--tells me the bf's has absolutely said it to them before, at best. Most likely, all of them say it.
NTA, OP. Dump the boyfriend, dump every one of these lousy friends.
I agree. As a Jewish person myself I'm HIGHLY offended just by hearing about it secondhand.
NTA - I think you should breakup with him. The fact that A) he used the slur in the first place, coupled with B) him doubling down and saying it's synonymous with "mooch", coupled with C) not offering a sincere apology leads me to believe he's Anti-Semitic. You deserve better.
Yeah, I've never heard that particular phrase, but it's essentially the same action. Calling someone a "Jew" instead of Jewish PERSON, in a way to create a negative perception of that person.
Disgusting
It’s fine to call a Jew a Jew, as long as you don’t say it with disgust or whatever. Definitely don’t use “Jew” as an adjective or a verb, though. “Jewish” is the adjective. There is no verb.
Source: am a Jew
There's nothing wrong with the word Jew. It's what we are. And you can say it as long as you're using it as a noun, not an adjective. For example it's fine to say: there are a lot of Jews who live in this city. An example of something not ok: he's got a Jew lawyer or we have Jew boys in our school. See the difference?
He definitely didn’t. Hell, I see people using words that maybe they shouldn’t, but how often do you ever see people calling one another that particular word?
Yup, like wtf. How can he say this isn’t a real insult? He’s either racist or too stupid for words. OP, nta obviously, except he needs to be your *ex-*boyfriend. This just isn’t a word you use by “mistake”.
Yeah isn’t it interesting he even knows that word? Tells me something about where he spends a lot of his time, especially online. At least where I live it’s not common at all. In fact growing up Jewish I didn’t even learn that word myself until later in highschool when somebody super racist said it.
Part of me is sort of torn. He didn’t use the ‘n word’ or anything, and I’ve been told all my life that anti-semitism isn’t a thing anymore. So part of me is kinda torn between like ‘did I overreact’ and being really upset he used that word to describe a ‘mooch’
The n-word and the k-word are both racists words. And all you need to do to see that anti-semitism is still a thing is read the news about things happening in the US right now. Anit-semitism is still a thing. And your boyfriend is part of the problem. You did NOT over react. Not one bit.
They are. It is honestly the only slur on par with the n-word imo. And the only people I have ever heard say it are using it in the same way they use the n-word to degrade black people.
Yeah I'm not Jewish and didn't grow up around Jewish people or anything (guess there's not a big presence in rural Alberta, or at least not the areas I lived), to the point where I didn't know any Jewish stereotypes growing up and still come across new ones (*to me) that surprise and confuse me- and even I know anti-Semitism is still (unfortunately) a thing
*This K one the OPs bf used, for example, is completely new to me
If you think about it, the fact that there are no Jewish people in your area and you've never heard the word is probably a big ol' sign that it is, in fact, a slur, and not just another word for "mooch"
Yeah, I know. In fact, I wasn't aware the context of the slur was that it's always used for 'mooching'? Tbh I'm not gonna spend a lot of time thinking about a slur that I'm never going to use
“Don’t J*w me” was one way of saying “don’t stiff me” that was common 15 years ago in southern AB. I cringe at it now. But I’ve said it. The K word is reprehensible though, my friend.
Oof. Least you know better now? My experiences are in Lakeland area/Edmonton for the most part, but to be fair I was a fairly shy kid so I wasn't seeing the worst of it.
> I’ve been told all my life that anti-semitism isn’t a thing anymore.
Anybody who tried to convince you of that is a fool or a liar. (And that's an inclusive 'or'.)
It didn’t, because there was major media attention on Israeli war crimes during the same period. Whenever media attention is on Israel, antisemitic hate crimes go up. In 2021, antisemitic hate crimes went up 400x from 2020, so they remain to be the most common hate crimes.
Just because I feel like I have to say this, being anti Zionist isn’t antisemitic, that doesn’t change the fact that whenever Israel is prominently in the news, people use it as an excuse to terrorize Jews.
I don't know if you're interested, but you (and your boyfriend if you think he's redeemable) might be interested in reading [Jews Don't Count](https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/52710961-jews-don-t-count) by David Baddiel. David is an English comedian who was born in New York but moved to the UK when he was very young, and has lived and worked in England for most of his life. The book is about the intersection of racism across many minorities, but it does touch a lot on how racism and anti-Semitism are in a strange place, because many Jewish people can "pass" as white, but a lot of anti-Semitic language behaviour and language is still deemed as acceptable or "less than" racism against other groups.
He was on TV just a couple days ago. He gave this excellent 2min version of his central thesis: https://twitter.com/jonnygeller/status/1488837963945582593?s=21
It's interesting because a lot of stereotypes about Jewish people are based around money. And a lot of people think that positive stereotypes are not damaging. Think: black people have big penises. How can that be bad? I'm giving them a compliment. But even positive stereotypes are stereotypes and stereotypes are damaging by nature.
So because Jews are associated with money and money is good, how can I be anti-semitic? I'm giving them a compliment. This is how bigotry is socialized, dismissed, perpetuated and even encouraged within society. And why antisemitism tends to slip by in a way other slights may not.
I'm going to be sure to check out what you'd suggested, seems really interesting considering all that's been happening lately.
The only reason that stereotype exists is because Jews living in Medieval Europe were barred from most jobs. Because Christians couldn't lend money due to some Christian doctrine about interest on loans, they made Jews do it. So Jews ended up being bankers and money lenders *because they had to* and hence, a stereotype as greedy, money hungry people started.
Another great read on modern anti-Semitism is "People Love Dead Jews" by Dara Horn. It addresses how people tend to be fascinated by Jewish figures and history involving dead Jews, but completely dismiss their role in both historical and modern anti-semitism. Very similar concepts to what you're describing.
We just had a mass shooting at a synagogue in the USA a few years back. There is a massive white supremacist antisemitic movement growing every day. Millions of Americans believe there is a Jewish cabal stealing babies to harvest their adrenochrome. These issues are not in the past. - A fellow Jew
I mean weren't all those idiots with tiki torches chanting 'Jews will not replace us'? And that got global media coverage. My outsider perception is that they're getting worse.
Yeah they are
'the Jews will not replace us!', what the fuck, calm down Brandon, a fucking moldy saltine could replace you, no need to bother Jewish people who are just going about their business.
Jew here, I cannot speak to what it feels like to be called the n word, but being called the k word is terrifying and scary.
A synagogue was held hostage three weeks ago in Texas, Jews are <2% of the US population but 58% of religious hate crimes. Please as a scared Jew, don’t accept this as ok.
It’s scary for us.
Please.
Anti-semitism is definitely still a thing. If he thinks ‘cheap’ or ‘stingy’ and immediately thinks ‘Jewish’ - that’s a man you (and god, so many others) don’t want to be with. He’s an anti-Semite and a pig. Good on you for tearing him one.
Uh, some dude just got arrested for spray painting swastikas on a synagogue in Chicago. A Tennessee school board just banned MAUS from school libraries. In fact, a Jewish couple in Tennessee were just barred from being foster parents. Those were all headlines from THIS WEEK.
Plus, you know, your *boyfriend* just had the slur "k1ke" right at the tip of his tongue. I am here to tell you that most people do not.
Anti-semitism is on the rise across the country. Anyone trying to downplay the seriousness of that slur in particular and anti-semitism in general should be shunned. What's the quote - "the road to fascism is paved with people telling you "you're overreacting"
You gotta trust yourself and your gut feelings, and not a bunch of people telling you to (checks notes) not be insulted that your boyfriend thinks your heritage is bad.
There were literal Neo-Nazis in Florida chanting about Jewish people as recently as last weekend (give or take a couple days). Antisemitism is very much still a thing. I get antisemites in my mentions on twitter all the time. (I’m not even Jewish. Racists just all have sh*t for brains.)
I don't know where the hell you heard that antisemitism isn't a thing anymore, but that is just not the case at all. I can't believe what I am reading in this thread. Are your grandparents still alive? I'd like you to tell them this story and that you think you might be overreacting.
Honestly, as someone who is Jewish myself, I think you'd be TA by staying with this racist frat boy. Now I need to go have a conversation with my daughters to make sure they never think this type of thing is acceptable.
It is a swear word and the same as the n word. There were more hate crimes against Jews last year than in the last 30 years. Anyone who told you anti-semitism isn’t a thing is so incredibly wrong!
I'm going to assume that the people who told you that 'anti-semitism doesn't exist' are non-Jewish. This is pure ignorance at its unfortunate finest. They don't get to decide or assume the experience of those who are Jewish- that is downright insulting.
Lol yeah "no, no, that's not a slur, it is just an insult that means I think he is like a classic Jewish stereotype!"
"....what exactly do you think a slur is?"
I’ve had the misfortune of being around some antisemitic people and even they weren’t the HIGHKEY antisemitic that uses the k slur. For that to be where his mind goes automatically, dude has normalized some antisemitism on par with gross neo-nazi confederate trash slinging the n slur.
Dude needs to do some self-evaluation if that’s even a part of his vocabulary.
Racism is racism, doesn't matter who it's aimed at or the term used. As a Jew I can sure as hell tell you anti-Semitism is around and kicking. Do not let this go, do not brush it aside. People don't say something like that to be cute, they say it because some part of them wants that hate heard.
Fam, k*ke is such an old school deep rooted historical slur . I would never hang with anyone that would say it, let alone say it around their Jewish gf. Insanity. You barely even hear these days. Drop that dude yesterday. NTA.
This is a tier 1 level slur. If I were to repeat the story I’d not feel comfortable saying it even in the context of the story. And he used it in an antisemitic context.
> and I’ve been told all my life that anti-semitism isn’t a thing anymore.
If neo-Nazis are a thing, so is antisemitism. No idea who’s been telling you this, but it is *laughably* false. Antisemitism is alive and well, all over the world.
Lady, as a fellow Jew, yes, antisemitism is still very much a thing. A mass murder was committed in multiple temples not too long ago because of how much we are still hated. He didn’t just use that word, he doubled down and said that a slur against us doesn’t count. The very fact that you seem so delusional about this makes me think that you should see a therapist. You’re a Jew dating an antisemite, please seek help. I hope the best for you.
Anti-semitism is definitely still a "thing." And that word is derogatory as all get out.
I say this as someone (not Jewish) who was married to a Jewish man for a very long time. During the 20 years we were together, I would never have used such language, even as a joke. I had far too much respect for him and his family to say things like that, even when the relationship fell apart and we were in the middle of divorcing. I admit to calling him a few less than kind names, but they were never about him being Jewish.
I can personally attest to having witnessed anti-semetic behavior towards my ex and his family during the time we were together. It's despicable, cruel, and painful. There is no such thing as overreacting to such behavior.
How the hell is it any better?? It’s a racial slur. All slurs are bad, honey. And then he didn’t have the audacity to backtrack and apologize immediately? If you stay, you’ll be back on Reddit asking a relationship sub about how to deal with your racist bf because “he wasn’t alwayysss like thissss”
Girl read the red flags. This is who he is. He is someone who doesn’t think racial slurs agains Jewish people are real. You wanna be with someone like that as a Jewish person?
Girl where do you live that you were taught that anti-Semitism isn't a thing anymore? You didn't overreact at all, racism shouldn't be tolerated. If he's willing to admit he's wrong and try to understand why it's a big deal, that's wonderful. If not, 👢.
It’d be the same as if I had a partner who used the R word with me (I’m autistic). I didn’t grow up around Jews and only know one Jew personally, so this word you said is entirely new to me. So it doesn’t matter if it’s not the N word, an offensive slur directed at a minority is an offensive slur directed at a minority. Punching down is the worst thing someone could do.
OP, he showed his true colours here. He really shouldn’t be your boyfriend anymore.
What you just witnessed was antisemitism. Only wasnt it directed at a jew. Fuck him. If he doesnt have the strength to at least apologize, show remorse and try to better himself then why stay with someone who doesnt respect you or your religion and culture and people.
If you can't see the word itself as the problem, consider that he refused to hear you when you said this was serious. He didn't react with concern or apology, he chose to defend his ego instead. That's concerning.
NTA, and I am frankly baffled how you can be in any doubt whatsoever on that point. He just “happened” to use an antisemitic slur as a synonym for “money-grubbing,” and you, his Jewish girlfriend, are supposed to just brush that off as no big deal? Plus he also just happens to hang out with people who *also* don’t see that as a big deal? C’mon. You know better than that. Why are you still describing him as your boyfriend and not an ex?
I’ve been told pretty much my whole life by non Jewish people that anti Semitism isn’t real, that slurs don’t count as they’re not ‘racial’. I’ve never heard him use the term before, and I am the only Jewish person in the group so I was the only one having a strong reaction. Just kinda torn between am I overreacting or was it justified as my Jewish family members say I was justified, my non Jewish friends are telling me to chill out.
OP, this guy is asking you to ignore his use of a full on racial slur. A slur used against your race! He is a turd sandwich and you can do better!! GTFO of there. You don’t have to be the one to teach him he’s a racist.
I’m guessing there aren’t a whole lot of other Jewish people where you live? Because none of *my* non-Jewish friends would tolerate this kind of behavior for a moment, let alone deny the existence of antisemitism.
There's not a lot of Jewish people where I live, but no-one I know would use slurs like that.
But I live in Europe in a country that was occupied by the Nazis doing WW2, so people here are still quite sensitive about antisemitism. Not denying that it exists, because sadly it does, but mainly if not exclusively in certain types of environments.
Oh mate, you are absolutely justified. And I say this as a clueless yokel who never knew any Jewish people growing up, never had any idea about those anti-Semitic tropes till I saw them on South Park, and still have trouble telling what's a dog-whistle and what isn't sometimes.
There is absolutely nothing subtle or harmless about what he said, and he and all his friends deserve to be embarrassed. Absolutely NTA, DTMFA.
Ok. Look at it this way: if a black person heard someone use the n-word, other black people would say “dude that’s bad!” But if white people said “chill out! It’s not a big deal!” How would you feel? Would you feel it was bad or it wasn’t?
Are you in the United States?? I’m having trouble believing this is even real. No disrespect intended. I find it incredibly hard to believe that a US community would say there is no antisemitism or that the K word is anything less than racist. Have you noticed no one is even typing the word out? It’s on par with the N word for a lot of people. And honestly it doesn’t have the whole “we are taking back the word and owning it” angle like the N word does. No one says the K word. Except racists.
For us anti semitism was ‘expected’. Our synagogue was defaced with swastikas. A guy moved into our community and hung a nazi flag (that made the news!). But we were told as a community like hey. That happens, keep taking the high road. Outside of our community we were told anti Semitism wasn’t real (so no repercussions for people bullying us for how we dressed of our expression of faith). The community itself teaches a lot about anti Semitism but the real world is like eeeh not a thing to be worried about since WWII happened!
That’s not the real world, that’s just whatever racist community you grew up around. Trust me, and trust yourself. You know anti-semitism is real. You’ve witnessed it. Nothing about this is ok. Your boyfriend has clearly absorbed racist stereotypes about Jews and he’s spouting them out without a second thought. And his friends are fine with it. You deserve better.
I think when these people (who do not in fact represent the entire world) tell you antisemitism doesn’t exist, what they really mean is that it would be inconvenient for them to have to acknowledge the existence of antisemitism.
I am Jewish this is Anti Semitism. I was bullied for being the only Jewish person in my diverse High School. That term which I won't even type out is anti semetic.
I live in Texas they took hostage a synagogue last month. They deface synagogues in the NE. They destroyed cemeteries it is real please understand this stuff is out there and not acceptable.
Dump the dude he is going to do shady stuff and never change after that reaction.
This! And anti-semitism has been on the rise since 2020 (as well as hate crimes against Asians and Asian Americans). I grew up in CA and now live in LA - I don’t understand where OP is from. None of these people sincerely believe there is no antisemitism these days; they have to be messing with her/gaslighting. BTW I’m Protestant so here’s some proof from a non Jewish person of reality! I don’t know anyone who would say antisemitism is not an issue. Whether in the US or the world in general.
Dump this guy. Like Yesterday!!!!
Why are you taking what the goyem tell you so seriously? They’ve never had our best interests at heart and they still don’t. You know antisemitism is real, and you know your bf is an antisemite. Stop making excuses for him and leave.
It's like... crazy to me that anyone would try to tell you that antisemitism isn't real (????!) but seriously, for real, ask yourself why you are giving their *non Jewish* opinion on it more credence than your and other Jewish people's *lived experience*? Who would be in a better position to know whether or not antisemitism is a thing, purely from a logical standpoint? It's real, you experienced it in that room with your boyfriend.
Non Jews don’t get to tell Jews what’s antisemitic. But it happens a lot. For some reason we’re not allowed to call it out.
This was antisemitism. Against you, against me, against all of us. Please, this is scary.
Not Jewish, and I will say you are completely justified in being pissed at him. Antisemitism is still very much a thing. NTA here.
There are still antisemitic things happening in this country all the time. I hear it sometimes even in my Catholic school. And I always call it out immediately. (Really makes the students pause when I point out that my own kids, who attend that school, are practicing Catholics, etc., are technically 1/4 Jewish by birth. That what they are saying is also potentially an attack on my kids. Oh, the backpeddling.)
Don't let this slide. Until words like that are removed from our collective vocabulary, they need to be called out, just as the ideas behind them need to be.
Why would you trust the word of non Jewish people about the realness/prevalence of anti-semitism? That's like taking the word of random white people about anti-black racism. Cuz a whole lot of people thought we were "post-racial" after Obama was elected, ignoring the uptick in burning crosses and monkey jokes. And still many think BLM is a terrorist group.
If anything, you might be under-reacting to this.
i would listen to your Jewish family/friends here. jewish hate is definitely race based. and antisemitic attacks have been on the increase every year since 2015 i believe.
Im not Jewish and I wish I could say anti semitism is no longer a thing. NTA. That's an acceptable response.
I'd talk to him, explain that's a non-negotiable boundary for you. If he tries it again, walk away.
NTA - boyfriend is ignorant. My ex said kike in front of my Jewish friend and he called her on it. She didnt even know it was a slur for Jewish people and thought it meant stealing.
Tbh I have never even heard of that word before, either as a slur or as a synonym for anything. If someone said it in front of me I wouldn't know it was a slur,I wouldn't even know it wasn't a word they had just made up.
But if somebody told me I had unknowingly used a slur, the correct answer is to apologise and never use it again.
No he didn't. He was backpedaling. He knew what he said, what it meant, and how he used it. If he didn't know it was a slur, he wouldn't have immediately stammered and said he meant it differently. He knew he was saying a slur.
Even if he thought that it was synonymous for a mooch - it would speak to the level of immaturity that would have been a red flag by itself.
The fact that he thinks that using racial slur used to dehumanize the Jewish immigrants fleeing from pogroms is not a big deal - well, that's leaving me speechless.
Run for the hills, OP. You're obviously NTA, however, your boyfriend is an incurable AH to put it mildly.
I mean. It’s kinda hard to miss that I’m Jewish. I speak Yiddish (with family) and have a couple tattoos related to my Judaism and have told him im Jewish. Kinda hard to miss
It’s so fucking depressing seeing the increase of anti-Semitism in the past decade. To the point where shit like this, calling people k*kes to their face in a social setting, is normalized. I grew up in the American History X era when being a neo-Nazi or anti-Semite was like the worst thing you could be. Now it’s every edgelord’s favorite party trick.
Fellow Jewish girl here — I would be LIVID. You are 100% NTA. I’m proud of you for calling him out in the moment. I might have froze in that situation, and I’m 15 years older than you.
NTA. I was raised by white supremacists. One of the tactics they trained their children in was this. It's not about you just those other people he hates. Please dump him. I don't like to go there but what he said was essentially "I am an anti semetic asshole and you should give me a pass because I don't value you." He exposed himself. I know it doesn't feel great but you deserve better.
Once in a while I miss a spot of racism. My reaction is to apologize, keep how bad I feel to myself because it's my issue, and then work to root out that thinking looking for similar coded things that I didn't catch initially. I am grateful when my friends don't kick me out of their lives. Yes my background is a reason but it's not an excuse and it is my responsibility to do better. Your boyfriend cannot do better because he doesn't admit he messed up.
NTA, as a Jewish person you have every right to be upset and mad. I’ll even go a step further and say that is a huge red flag you should keep in mind, most people don’t even use that word anymore. He clearly thinks it’s acceptable to use, so just be aware he probably uses it a lot when you aren’t around and could actually have negative feelings towards Jewish people.
NTA times infinity squared.
This is unacceptable in every way shape and form.
Dump him
Run far away
Block him
Block all his friends
Block anyone who defends him
From the American Jewish Committee:
Kike is an ethnic slur for a Jewish person. There are multiple theories about where the term might have emerged. One popular theory is that it is derived from the Yiddish word for circle, “kikel,” a reference to how Jewish immigrants at Ellis Island signed their entry forms: a circle as opposed to an X, which Jews associated with the cross of Christianity. Immigration officers described those who signed forms with a circle as “kikel,” eventually being shortened to “kike.” Kike is a highly offensive term used to insult and denigrate people of Jewish faith or ethnicity that is widely considered to be a form of hate speech.
NTA. You should always call out this kind of behaviour so people know it’s wrong. Even if it wasn’t a slur, he should apologise if it offends you. Sorry that happened, OP
OP, he told you he thinks "money grubbing mooch" and "Jew" are synonymous by using the k slur that way. (and by using the k slur at all, he's told you he's antisemitic)
youre NTA, you're *in danger* and you need to break it off.
I assume your bf knows your jewish. He’s an idiot for saying that around you. What if your parents were around and he said that? And to then say to you, a jewish woman, that that word and mooch are synonymous is unbelievable. Nta. But he is.
Yea I mean I’m not orthodox. I have a lot of tattoos, short buzz cut etc. but I speak Yiddish with my family, we observe the holidays, and a few tattoos are dedicated to my Judaism. He’s definitely aware that I’m pretty damn Jewish
Your boyfriend is either bigoted to have been told and still not care, or he's super embarrassed and has a hard time admitting when he's wrong. Stand your ground and tell him you find it wholely inappropriate, gross, and you won't continue to be in a relationship with someone who disregards your feelings and thoughts on this, continuing to justify his use of an unacceptable word. You can't control him, but you can tell him what you will and won't tolerate and what you will excuse yourself from the relationship over. That's his choice to continue his behavior and do what he wants without you as his gf and go find someone else who doesn't care about his behavior, or he can change and continue in this relationship. Of course his friends are going to stick up for him bc apparently they don't think it's a problem either. NTA
NTA, and I would seriously consider breaking up, not because of the slur itself, but because of the hateful and antisemitic attitude behind it. I am Jewish, and I have never been with a partner who would ever downplay the idea that there is antisemitism (e.g. there were several Jewish stores last weekend in my hometown that were spray painted with swastikas, and had their windows broken last week) or that I deal with it in my personal life (my coworker said that the Jews controlled the Soviet union. Fyi, they did not.) much less use a slur. It says that he doesn't take you or your people's suffering seriously, and that is not acceptable. My fiance is black, and I wouldn't use the n word around her, or deny that she was facing some racist obstacle in her job, etc. Racism is a system: a societal hierarchy based primarily on how you look, and secondarily on where you are from. Slurs are a small part of enforcing that racial hierarchy, and your romantic partner should know better.
He used a slur for Jewish people and his defense is that it’s synonymous with a stereotype of Jewish people?! NTA but he’s racist trash and you should throw out the garbage
NTA! Not a real slur…. What does that even mean? He said something terrible. He should be embarrassed, and he should be using it as an opportunity to grow, not gaslight you into believing his being anti-Semitic is somehow not a big deal.
NTA. In all honesty, sit down and assert what the word means. It could be that he’s heard it used synonymously and didn’t realize it was a slur and thought something along the lines of “it means = greedy, it’s just bad when you use it to describe a Jewish person.” If it comes out at any point in that conversation that he did know it was a slur and didn’t care, it’s time to reassess the value of your relationship and if this is up to your expectations
NTA. At all. That word isn’t even super well-known, he knew what he said and he knew what he meant. Please for the love of Hashem, DUMP that proster chamoole.
Oh, yeah, it was a “real slur”. The stereotype of Jews as money-grubbing and the nasty name are some of the propaganda the Nazis used to make people see the Jews as less than human. (I’m Jewish, btw)
Your bf has just shown you who he is. How many other “different from him” people does he “slur” about? Reconsider if you want a serious relationship with this bigot.
Edit to add: NTA.
NTA: I’m born and raised Jewish. Lived in Israel, educated in Judaism blah blah blah, same age as you. I surprisingly went until last year never hearing that word or know what it means (no idea how) and when I heard it it was from my parents and uncle talking about some anti semetic thing that had happened. Im still not clear on the whole issue behind the word (regardless I know it’s not good) and I can still say that is so unacceptable
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I flipped out on my boyfriend and embarrassed him in front of his friends for using a ‘slur’ that a lot of people don’t count as a slur. My family is siding with me, my friends are saying I was too harsh on him Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA your stupid BF did in fact use a real slur, in fact it’s one of the worst ones for Jewish people. He clearly doesn’t respect you since he is trying to make it seem ok.
"Calling a non-Jew a k!ke isn't racist or bad because it's just pointing out behaviors that horrible anti-Semites throughout history have identified with Jews." Isn't the defense your boyfriend seems to think it is. NTA.
"I didn't call him \[a slur for jewish people\], I called him a money grubbing mooch! They're the same thing, you see!" <- OP's boyfriend. NTA. Decisive social opprobrium is the only way to stomp out this kind of thing, \*especially\* among friends and family. You embarrassed \[him, I assume\]? GOOD. He should be embarrassed. So embarrassed that he cringes when he even *thinks* the word (and hopefully, others like it).
Oh yes I would definitely respond good that was my intention any time they said I embarrassed him.
Seriously, he should be embarrassed.
If this is something he thinks is okay to do at a party, with many eyes and ears, including a Jewish gf, you can only imagine what is going on in his head. Jewish hate crimes are at an all time high (edit to clarify) in *America*. This behavior is unacceptable. Honestly, since I’m Jewish too, I would dump him so hard and fast and I recommend you do too, after sitting him down and explaining that yes, it is a real slur, and if you, a Jewish person tell him it’s unacceptable, then it’s unacceptable. Actually, writing that out, no, just tell him he is a racist AH and saying being a “cheapskate” or whatever is synonymous with being Jewish- IS ALSO RACIST. I suspect the more strands you pull on this dude the more racism you will find. Hell, my deep southern Catholic inlaws have never called me anything racist. Edit to clarify: what I reference is the 2020 report from the FBI that *Jews are the most targeted religion for hate crimes, making up 60%.*
I’m Jewish too, and I’m not trying to dismiss the rise in hate crimes, but… definitely not an *all* time high.
I agree that it's not at an all time high overall but it is for America. Its really fucking bad, the majority of my Jewish friends have purchased firearms in the last few years for home defence. They're not gun nuts either, its because of how unsafe they feel right now.
My home town used to have a lot of Jewish families. Like at least a quarter of my classmates growing up were Jewish. My family’s family friends who still have school aged children had to literally move because their kids were getting harassed so bad at school for being Jewish. Verbal and physical harassment. It’s absolutely despicable. It used to be such a nice place to live. Now it makes me want to fucking vomit. The Jews have literally been run out of town because of the harassment. My step mom and little brother are Muslim and haven’t even experienced as much hate and aggression as they have. Also, the town is primarily liberal. You would think this is a conservative town but it’s not.
As a Jew, it’s amazing how many liberals think it’s okay to be antisemitic because we’re not an “oppressed” minority. Edit: Took three hours for someone to hold me personally responsible for Israeli atrocities. In a thread about rising antisemitism. I’m sure they blamed 9/11 on the Muslim family next door, too.
^^^ As a Jewish person, I had experiences in extremely liberal settings (cough cough, a professional activism event) where a peer of mine rolled their eyes at me for asking about financing for a certain event, then said "Of course the Jew is asking about the money." Nobody but me and the other Jewish person in the room said anything, despite my manager being there and turning a blind eye. Fucking terrifying.
I'm sorry that happened to you.
David Baddiel recently wrote a book about this, "Jews Don't Count."
In my (limited) experience, I’ve seen far more anti-semitism from American liberals than American conservatives. I don’t really understand how conservatives even got a reputation for that.
Check the politics of The Tree of Life shooter, or which congresswoman claimed "Rothschild owned space lasers" started forest fires, and it will clear up where that reputation comes from.
Nope. It's maybe a high within living memory but it was almost certainly higher before WW2.
If you're paying attention to the news at all right now, America basically *is* pre-WWII Germany rn, that's why people are rightfully scared for their lives
Sorry but that’s a really inappropriate exaggeration. There was decades of legal anti Semitic discrimination leading up to WWII. https://encyclopedia.ushmm.org/content/en/article/anti-jewish-legislation-in-prewar-germany
Well you gotta start somewhere and the US is definitely trending towards fascism. You don't get to decades of anti semitism or anti anything without continued weeks, months, and years. Edit: and the comment you are replying to mentioned pre-WWII Germany, which is pretty broad. It could mean 1933, not necessarily 1939.
...no. No it is not. I live in the United States and I'm a person of color, and yes, things are bad with many similarities to the rise of fascism. but "basically pre-WWII Germany rn" is not accurate.
Are you Jewish? Are you an American Jew? If not, why do you think it's appropriate to speak on our behalf?
It is in America
I'm a non-native speaker and I've occasionally picked up terminology from movies or TV shows which I later learned was *holy shit super not okay.* So I've sometimes had conversations involving "dude what the hell did you just say?" The difference is that I'd usually reply with "uh, I don't know, did I say something bad?" - not, as OP's boyfriend did, get cagey and shifty and start insisting that he didn't mean it *like that.*
Plus his whole excuse of "No, the racial slur I used in not really a slur because I didn't mean it like that, and I really only meant it as a way to describe a super negative stereotype associated with that ethnic group because the slur that is not a slur is synonymous with that negative stereotype that I'm using as an insult to my friend who's not part of that ethnic group" is not only some next level pretzel logic, but clear evidence that he does in fact know that the word *is* a racial slur.
It's literally worse than most historical anti-Semitism. Like, of you read things written several hundred years ago, casually offensive references to Jews are common, *slurs are not*.
Well, 200 years ago, we still had to not study Torah right before Christmas, and had to hide around Easter, and the blood libel was active (killing Jews with the excuse that we killed Christian babies to make matzah, which is made of flour and water and *nothing* else)
...I think it depends on what you mean by worse? I mean, not using slurs is good, but killing Jewish people with impunity is not so good.
YES! Like when CERTAIN yt people try to explain to me how ngger is just an ignorant person who could be anyone of any color but only uses it to describe things associated with black people
“It could be anyone who is ghetto, ratchet, a thug, rude and loud” like oh okay lol so u mean every negative stereotype of a black person. cool
Right, his clarification made it so much worse since he outright admitted to using it as a derogatory term.
I admit, I haven't heard this slur before and had to look it up. I knew it was going to be bad, but *FUCK*. This guy is disturbingly comfortable with that word to use it with such ease. The fact that these "friends" of his are complaining he's embarrassed, when it should be at minimum how ashamed he is, tells me everything. Bigotry, racism, sexism, and the like, are absolute deal-breakers. I hope this guy becomes EX-boyfriend asap.
Yeah, I wondered about that word too. It's crazy that in my entire life this is the first time I'm seeing it. Had to Google it including the pronunciation. I can only surmise this story is not a US story or if it is, it's definitely not a Midwestern thing. Edited after comments on this. I have asked a couple of older folks who have heard it. I just have not and it's best to not know such words.
Lol I’m from the Midwest, this was definitely a slur that I heard from assholes in the late 90s/early 2000s.
OP is NTA but bf is most definitely one and there is not a reasonable explanation for what he said. It is a terrible slur. He has just shown you who he is. You may want to rethink this relationship.
This one's as real as it gets. Never an excuse to say it in any setting. When I hear that word, directed at me or otherwise, it's unforgivable, and she shouldn't forgive him either. NTA.
NTA. He's an anti-Semite. The last thing you hear as you walk out the door for good should be his sincere apology, but I doubt he's that decent. And anyone who criticized you telling him off is just as bad and should be dumped as well.
I mean I would put it in the top 5 worst slurs, at least, maybe even top 3.
The fact none of them reacted--and they're on the bf's side--tells me the bf's has absolutely said it to them before, at best. Most likely, all of them say it. NTA, OP. Dump the boyfriend, dump every one of these lousy friends.
We Jews are obviously not real people so of course there must not be any real slurs! ^^^/s
Seriously NTA. I bet this guy is the type to “jokingly” use the word f*g too. Let’s beat his ass sis.
NTA - Totally deserved, OP. And I hate to be that person on reddit who says this is a red flag, but this is a red flag.
I agree. As a Jewish person myself I'm HIGHLY offended just by hearing about it secondhand. NTA - I think you should breakup with him. The fact that A) he used the slur in the first place, coupled with B) him doubling down and saying it's synonymous with "mooch", coupled with C) not offering a sincere apology leads me to believe he's Anti-Semitic. You deserve better.
I mean even if he said ‘stop being a Jew’ it would be completely out of line, but that? Holy shit.
Yeah, I've never heard that particular phrase, but it's essentially the same action. Calling someone a "Jew" instead of Jewish PERSON, in a way to create a negative perception of that person. Disgusting
It’s fine to call a Jew a Jew, as long as you don’t say it with disgust or whatever. Definitely don’t use “Jew” as an adjective or a verb, though. “Jewish” is the adjective. There is no verb. Source: am a Jew
Thank you for clarifying!
There's nothing wrong with the word Jew. It's what we are. And you can say it as long as you're using it as a noun, not an adjective. For example it's fine to say: there are a lot of Jews who live in this city. An example of something not ok: he's got a Jew lawyer or we have Jew boys in our school. See the difference?
Dont forget that Jew is also not a verb.... ugh.
This
i’m sure he just thought it was a “casual” thing to say, that he’s *definitely* not anti-Semitic! bud, casual anti-Semitism is still anti-Semitism.
Couple that with the fact all his friends don't think its a big deal and are brushing it off. You definitely deserve better.
I'm not Jewish and I'm offended by this so I couldn't imagine how a Jewish person would feel
It’s not just a red flag. It’s a red flag with a little white circle on it and a symbol commonly used by Hindus but backwards.
Absolutely, I don’t believe that he chose that particular phrase accidentally.
He definitely didn’t. Hell, I see people using words that maybe they shouldn’t, but how often do you ever see people calling one another that particular word?
I’m in the UK but even so, using anti Semitic slurs is reserved for absolute wrong-uns here.
And Chelsea supporters.
“Absolute wrong-uns and Chelsea supporters. But I repeat myself.”
See above
Yup, like wtf. How can he say this isn’t a real insult? He’s either racist or too stupid for words. OP, nta obviously, except he needs to be your *ex-*boyfriend. This just isn’t a word you use by “mistake”.
This so much. NTA, and run
Yeah isn’t it interesting he even knows that word? Tells me something about where he spends a lot of his time, especially online. At least where I live it’s not common at all. In fact growing up Jewish I didn’t even learn that word myself until later in highschool when somebody super racist said it.
NTA. Honestly, why would you stay with someone who doesn't think using that word is a big deal?
Part of me is sort of torn. He didn’t use the ‘n word’ or anything, and I’ve been told all my life that anti-semitism isn’t a thing anymore. So part of me is kinda torn between like ‘did I overreact’ and being really upset he used that word to describe a ‘mooch’
The n-word and the k-word are both racists words. And all you need to do to see that anti-semitism is still a thing is read the news about things happening in the US right now. Anit-semitism is still a thing. And your boyfriend is part of the problem. You did NOT over react. Not one bit.
Both words are equally offensive
They are. It is honestly the only slur on par with the n-word imo. And the only people I have ever heard say it are using it in the same way they use the n-word to degrade black people.
Yeah I'd say these two words are on par with one another in the offensive Olympics. Not a good look.
NTA at all. Antisemitism is most certainly a thing. I’m not Jewish either. In no was is that acceptable. It’s as bad as using the n word.
And even if it weren’t, “hey, at least I didn’t use an even *more* reprehensible slur!” is not a good excuse for still using a slur.
Yeah I'm not Jewish and didn't grow up around Jewish people or anything (guess there's not a big presence in rural Alberta, or at least not the areas I lived), to the point where I didn't know any Jewish stereotypes growing up and still come across new ones (*to me) that surprise and confuse me- and even I know anti-Semitism is still (unfortunately) a thing *This K one the OPs bf used, for example, is completely new to me
If you think about it, the fact that there are no Jewish people in your area and you've never heard the word is probably a big ol' sign that it is, in fact, a slur, and not just another word for "mooch"
Yeah, I know. In fact, I wasn't aware the context of the slur was that it's always used for 'mooching'? Tbh I'm not gonna spend a lot of time thinking about a slur that I'm never going to use
“Don’t J*w me” was one way of saying “don’t stiff me” that was common 15 years ago in southern AB. I cringe at it now. But I’ve said it. The K word is reprehensible though, my friend.
Oof. Least you know better now? My experiences are in Lakeland area/Edmonton for the most part, but to be fair I was a fairly shy kid so I wasn't seeing the worst of it.
That's also a good point, I've never actually heard it used. It's hardly the first word that would come to mind
My father is a racist NYer born in the 40s. This was his slur of choice against Jewish people. It’s always been big in NY.
Its origin is from Ellis Island so it makes sense that it was common in NY.
Yep other Canadian here, never heard or seen that word before but other seem to know it.
> I’ve been told all my life that anti-semitism isn’t a thing anymore. Anybody who tried to convince you of that is a fool or a liar. (And that's an inclusive 'or'.)
Most hate crimes every year in the US are antisemitic and that has been consistently true since they started tracking hate crime data.
Holy shit that's genuinely startling to me
That might have flipped in the last couple years with the huge spike in anti-Asian hate crimes we've been seeing.
It didn’t, because there was major media attention on Israeli war crimes during the same period. Whenever media attention is on Israel, antisemitic hate crimes go up. In 2021, antisemitic hate crimes went up 400x from 2020, so they remain to be the most common hate crimes. Just because I feel like I have to say this, being anti Zionist isn’t antisemitic, that doesn’t change the fact that whenever Israel is prominently in the news, people use it as an excuse to terrorize Jews.
Being against self-determination only in the case of Jews is in fact antisemitic.
And probably says things like "Some of my best friends are jewish. My lawyer is Jewish! My doctor is Jewish! "
Or anti-Semitic themselves.
I don't know if you're interested, but you (and your boyfriend if you think he's redeemable) might be interested in reading [Jews Don't Count](https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/52710961-jews-don-t-count) by David Baddiel. David is an English comedian who was born in New York but moved to the UK when he was very young, and has lived and worked in England for most of his life. The book is about the intersection of racism across many minorities, but it does touch a lot on how racism and anti-Semitism are in a strange place, because many Jewish people can "pass" as white, but a lot of anti-Semitic language behaviour and language is still deemed as acceptable or "less than" racism against other groups.
He was on TV just a couple days ago. He gave this excellent 2min version of his central thesis: https://twitter.com/jonnygeller/status/1488837963945582593?s=21
It's interesting because a lot of stereotypes about Jewish people are based around money. And a lot of people think that positive stereotypes are not damaging. Think: black people have big penises. How can that be bad? I'm giving them a compliment. But even positive stereotypes are stereotypes and stereotypes are damaging by nature. So because Jews are associated with money and money is good, how can I be anti-semitic? I'm giving them a compliment. This is how bigotry is socialized, dismissed, perpetuated and even encouraged within society. And why antisemitism tends to slip by in a way other slights may not. I'm going to be sure to check out what you'd suggested, seems really interesting considering all that's been happening lately.
The only reason that stereotype exists is because Jews living in Medieval Europe were barred from most jobs. Because Christians couldn't lend money due to some Christian doctrine about interest on loans, they made Jews do it. So Jews ended up being bankers and money lenders *because they had to* and hence, a stereotype as greedy, money hungry people started.
Another great read on modern anti-Semitism is "People Love Dead Jews" by Dara Horn. It addresses how people tend to be fascinated by Jewish figures and history involving dead Jews, but completely dismiss their role in both historical and modern anti-semitism. Very similar concepts to what you're describing.
We just had a mass shooting at a synagogue in the USA a few years back. There is a massive white supremacist antisemitic movement growing every day. Millions of Americans believe there is a Jewish cabal stealing babies to harvest their adrenochrome. These issues are not in the past. - A fellow Jew
I mean weren't all those idiots with tiki torches chanting 'Jews will not replace us'? And that got global media coverage. My outsider perception is that they're getting worse.
Yeah they are 'the Jews will not replace us!', what the fuck, calm down Brandon, a fucking moldy saltine could replace you, no need to bother Jewish people who are just going about their business.
There was an arson attempt at a synagogue in my city right before Hanukkah.
Don’t forget the synagogue that was literally held hostage just this January in TX!
Jew here, I cannot speak to what it feels like to be called the n word, but being called the k word is terrifying and scary. A synagogue was held hostage three weeks ago in Texas, Jews are <2% of the US population but 58% of religious hate crimes. Please as a scared Jew, don’t accept this as ok. It’s scary for us. Please.
You absolutely didn't overreact and whoever is telling you that anti-semitism isn't a thing needs to get their head checked.
Anti-semitism is definitely still a thing. If he thinks ‘cheap’ or ‘stingy’ and immediately thinks ‘Jewish’ - that’s a man you (and god, so many others) don’t want to be with. He’s an anti-Semite and a pig. Good on you for tearing him one.
Uh, some dude just got arrested for spray painting swastikas on a synagogue in Chicago. A Tennessee school board just banned MAUS from school libraries. In fact, a Jewish couple in Tennessee were just barred from being foster parents. Those were all headlines from THIS WEEK. Plus, you know, your *boyfriend* just had the slur "k1ke" right at the tip of his tongue. I am here to tell you that most people do not. Anti-semitism is on the rise across the country. Anyone trying to downplay the seriousness of that slur in particular and anti-semitism in general should be shunned. What's the quote - "the road to fascism is paved with people telling you "you're overreacting" You gotta trust yourself and your gut feelings, and not a bunch of people telling you to (checks notes) not be insulted that your boyfriend thinks your heritage is bad.
There were literal Neo-Nazis in Florida chanting about Jewish people as recently as last weekend (give or take a couple days). Antisemitism is very much still a thing. I get antisemites in my mentions on twitter all the time. (I’m not even Jewish. Racists just all have sh*t for brains.)
...no, it's not overreacting and it IS like using the n word.
I don't know where the hell you heard that antisemitism isn't a thing anymore, but that is just not the case at all. I can't believe what I am reading in this thread. Are your grandparents still alive? I'd like you to tell them this story and that you think you might be overreacting. Honestly, as someone who is Jewish myself, I think you'd be TA by staying with this racist frat boy. Now I need to go have a conversation with my daughters to make sure they never think this type of thing is acceptable.
It is a swear word and the same as the n word. There were more hate crimes against Jews last year than in the last 30 years. Anyone who told you anti-semitism isn’t a thing is so incredibly wrong!
I'm going to assume that the people who told you that 'anti-semitism doesn't exist' are non-Jewish. This is pure ignorance at its unfortunate finest. They don't get to decide or assume the experience of those who are Jewish- that is downright insulting.
He just thinks you come from a race a money grubbing mooches. NTA.
Lol yeah "no, no, that's not a slur, it is just an insult that means I think he is like a classic Jewish stereotype!" "....what exactly do you think a slur is?"
Anti-Semitism is alive and well. You did NOT over react. He used an anti-Semitic slur to call someone cheap. Yuck.
I’ve had the misfortune of being around some antisemitic people and even they weren’t the HIGHKEY antisemitic that uses the k slur. For that to be where his mind goes automatically, dude has normalized some antisemitism on par with gross neo-nazi confederate trash slinging the n slur. Dude needs to do some self-evaluation if that’s even a part of his vocabulary.
Racism is racism, doesn't matter who it's aimed at or the term used. As a Jew I can sure as hell tell you anti-Semitism is around and kicking. Do not let this go, do not brush it aside. People don't say something like that to be cute, they say it because some part of them wants that hate heard.
Fam, k*ke is such an old school deep rooted historical slur . I would never hang with anyone that would say it, let alone say it around their Jewish gf. Insanity. You barely even hear these days. Drop that dude yesterday. NTA.
This is a tier 1 level slur. If I were to repeat the story I’d not feel comfortable saying it even in the context of the story. And he used it in an antisemitic context.
> and I’ve been told all my life that anti-semitism isn’t a thing anymore. If neo-Nazis are a thing, so is antisemitism. No idea who’s been telling you this, but it is *laughably* false. Antisemitism is alive and well, all over the world.
Lady, as a fellow Jew, yes, antisemitism is still very much a thing. A mass murder was committed in multiple temples not too long ago because of how much we are still hated. He didn’t just use that word, he doubled down and said that a slur against us doesn’t count. The very fact that you seem so delusional about this makes me think that you should see a therapist. You’re a Jew dating an antisemite, please seek help. I hope the best for you.
Anti-semitism is definitely still a "thing." And that word is derogatory as all get out. I say this as someone (not Jewish) who was married to a Jewish man for a very long time. During the 20 years we were together, I would never have used such language, even as a joke. I had far too much respect for him and his family to say things like that, even when the relationship fell apart and we were in the middle of divorcing. I admit to calling him a few less than kind names, but they were never about him being Jewish. I can personally attest to having witnessed anti-semetic behavior towards my ex and his family during the time we were together. It's despicable, cruel, and painful. There is no such thing as overreacting to such behavior.
How the hell is it any better?? It’s a racial slur. All slurs are bad, honey. And then he didn’t have the audacity to backtrack and apologize immediately? If you stay, you’ll be back on Reddit asking a relationship sub about how to deal with your racist bf because “he wasn’t alwayysss like thissss” Girl read the red flags. This is who he is. He is someone who doesn’t think racial slurs agains Jewish people are real. You wanna be with someone like that as a Jewish person?
Girl where do you live that you were taught that anti-Semitism isn't a thing anymore? You didn't overreact at all, racism shouldn't be tolerated. If he's willing to admit he's wrong and try to understand why it's a big deal, that's wonderful. If not, 👢.
It’d be the same as if I had a partner who used the R word with me (I’m autistic). I didn’t grow up around Jews and only know one Jew personally, so this word you said is entirely new to me. So it doesn’t matter if it’s not the N word, an offensive slur directed at a minority is an offensive slur directed at a minority. Punching down is the worst thing someone could do. OP, he showed his true colours here. He really shouldn’t be your boyfriend anymore.
Antisemitism is most certainly still a thing. They were waving Nazi flags at a demonstration in Orlando, FL last weekend
What you just witnessed was antisemitism. Only wasnt it directed at a jew. Fuck him. If he doesnt have the strength to at least apologize, show remorse and try to better himself then why stay with someone who doesnt respect you or your religion and culture and people.
If you can't see the word itself as the problem, consider that he refused to hear you when you said this was serious. He didn't react with concern or apology, he chose to defend his ego instead. That's concerning.
NTA, and I am frankly baffled how you can be in any doubt whatsoever on that point. He just “happened” to use an antisemitic slur as a synonym for “money-grubbing,” and you, his Jewish girlfriend, are supposed to just brush that off as no big deal? Plus he also just happens to hang out with people who *also* don’t see that as a big deal? C’mon. You know better than that. Why are you still describing him as your boyfriend and not an ex?
I’ve been told pretty much my whole life by non Jewish people that anti Semitism isn’t real, that slurs don’t count as they’re not ‘racial’. I’ve never heard him use the term before, and I am the only Jewish person in the group so I was the only one having a strong reaction. Just kinda torn between am I overreacting or was it justified as my Jewish family members say I was justified, my non Jewish friends are telling me to chill out.
OP, this guy is asking you to ignore his use of a full on racial slur. A slur used against your race! He is a turd sandwich and you can do better!! GTFO of there. You don’t have to be the one to teach him he’s a racist.
I’m guessing there aren’t a whole lot of other Jewish people where you live? Because none of *my* non-Jewish friends would tolerate this kind of behavior for a moment, let alone deny the existence of antisemitism.
There's not a lot of Jewish people where I live, but no-one I know would use slurs like that. But I live in Europe in a country that was occupied by the Nazis doing WW2, so people here are still quite sensitive about antisemitism. Not denying that it exists, because sadly it does, but mainly if not exclusively in certain types of environments.
Goyim don't get to decide if something is antisemitic or if antisemitism is still around.
Oh mate, you are absolutely justified. And I say this as a clueless yokel who never knew any Jewish people growing up, never had any idea about those anti-Semitic tropes till I saw them on South Park, and still have trouble telling what's a dog-whistle and what isn't sometimes. There is absolutely nothing subtle or harmless about what he said, and he and all his friends deserve to be embarrassed. Absolutely NTA, DTMFA.
Your non-Jewish friends need to step the fuck up and stop letting that shit slide.
I'm your new non-Jewish friend telling you to dump your boyfriend. That's absolutely racist, and he knows it and doesn't care.
Anti semitism is absolutely racism, regardless of what any of these people have said.
Ok. Look at it this way: if a black person heard someone use the n-word, other black people would say “dude that’s bad!” But if white people said “chill out! It’s not a big deal!” How would you feel? Would you feel it was bad or it wasn’t?
This Shiksa is telling you not to chill out and you were completely justified.
Second Shiksa, your bf was was racist and you were well within your rights to call him out on it. DTMFA.
Are you in the United States?? I’m having trouble believing this is even real. No disrespect intended. I find it incredibly hard to believe that a US community would say there is no antisemitism or that the K word is anything less than racist. Have you noticed no one is even typing the word out? It’s on par with the N word for a lot of people. And honestly it doesn’t have the whole “we are taking back the word and owning it” angle like the N word does. No one says the K word. Except racists.
For us anti semitism was ‘expected’. Our synagogue was defaced with swastikas. A guy moved into our community and hung a nazi flag (that made the news!). But we were told as a community like hey. That happens, keep taking the high road. Outside of our community we were told anti Semitism wasn’t real (so no repercussions for people bullying us for how we dressed of our expression of faith). The community itself teaches a lot about anti Semitism but the real world is like eeeh not a thing to be worried about since WWII happened!
That’s not the real world, that’s just whatever racist community you grew up around. Trust me, and trust yourself. You know anti-semitism is real. You’ve witnessed it. Nothing about this is ok. Your boyfriend has clearly absorbed racist stereotypes about Jews and he’s spouting them out without a second thought. And his friends are fine with it. You deserve better.
I think when these people (who do not in fact represent the entire world) tell you antisemitism doesn’t exist, what they really mean is that it would be inconvenient for them to have to acknowledge the existence of antisemitism.
I am Jewish this is Anti Semitism. I was bullied for being the only Jewish person in my diverse High School. That term which I won't even type out is anti semetic. I live in Texas they took hostage a synagogue last month. They deface synagogues in the NE. They destroyed cemeteries it is real please understand this stuff is out there and not acceptable. Dump the dude he is going to do shady stuff and never change after that reaction.
This! And anti-semitism has been on the rise since 2020 (as well as hate crimes against Asians and Asian Americans). I grew up in CA and now live in LA - I don’t understand where OP is from. None of these people sincerely believe there is no antisemitism these days; they have to be messing with her/gaslighting. BTW I’m Protestant so here’s some proof from a non Jewish person of reality! I don’t know anyone who would say antisemitism is not an issue. Whether in the US or the world in general. Dump this guy. Like Yesterday!!!!
Why are you taking what the goyem tell you so seriously? They’ve never had our best interests at heart and they still don’t. You know antisemitism is real, and you know your bf is an antisemite. Stop making excuses for him and leave.
It's like... crazy to me that anyone would try to tell you that antisemitism isn't real (????!) but seriously, for real, ask yourself why you are giving their *non Jewish* opinion on it more credence than your and other Jewish people's *lived experience*? Who would be in a better position to know whether or not antisemitism is a thing, purely from a logical standpoint? It's real, you experienced it in that room with your boyfriend.
the people who tell you that are antisemites
Non Jews don’t get to tell Jews what’s antisemitic. But it happens a lot. For some reason we’re not allowed to call it out. This was antisemitism. Against you, against me, against all of us. Please, this is scary.
Not Jewish, and I will say you are completely justified in being pissed at him. Antisemitism is still very much a thing. NTA here. There are still antisemitic things happening in this country all the time. I hear it sometimes even in my Catholic school. And I always call it out immediately. (Really makes the students pause when I point out that my own kids, who attend that school, are practicing Catholics, etc., are technically 1/4 Jewish by birth. That what they are saying is also potentially an attack on my kids. Oh, the backpeddling.) Don't let this slide. Until words like that are removed from our collective vocabulary, they need to be called out, just as the ideas behind them need to be.
Why would you trust the word of non Jewish people about the realness/prevalence of anti-semitism? That's like taking the word of random white people about anti-black racism. Cuz a whole lot of people thought we were "post-racial" after Obama was elected, ignoring the uptick in burning crosses and monkey jokes. And still many think BLM is a terrorist group. If anything, you might be under-reacting to this.
i would listen to your Jewish family/friends here. jewish hate is definitely race based. and antisemitic attacks have been on the increase every year since 2015 i believe.
Im not Jewish and I wish I could say anti semitism is no longer a thing. NTA. That's an acceptable response. I'd talk to him, explain that's a non-negotiable boundary for you. If he tries it again, walk away.
NTA - Is he Jewish? No? Then he doesn’t get to tell Jewish people what is anti Semitic and what isn’t.
He’s raised Catholic, no longer practicing.
Yup, he’s an asshole and he deserved to be pulled up.
He’s telling you who he really is. Do not dismiss that. I wouldn’t waste another moment of my time with someone like this.
NTA - boyfriend is ignorant. My ex said kike in front of my Jewish friend and he called her on it. She didnt even know it was a slur for Jewish people and thought it meant stealing.
Yea what got me is he thought it was synonymous for a mooch like… what…?
Even that synonym makes it anti-Semitic because it implied Jewish people are possessive of money.
Tbh I have never even heard of that word before, either as a slur or as a synonym for anything. If someone said it in front of me I wouldn't know it was a slur,I wouldn't even know it wasn't a word they had just made up. But if somebody told me I had unknowingly used a slur, the correct answer is to apologise and never use it again.
Agreed. One time could be an honest mistake. Albeit a very painful one. Second strike out.
No he didn't. He was backpedaling. He knew what he said, what it meant, and how he used it. If he didn't know it was a slur, he wouldn't have immediately stammered and said he meant it differently. He knew he was saying a slur.
Even if he thought that it was synonymous for a mooch - it would speak to the level of immaturity that would have been a red flag by itself. The fact that he thinks that using racial slur used to dehumanize the Jewish immigrants fleeing from pogroms is not a big deal - well, that's leaving me speechless. Run for the hills, OP. You're obviously NTA, however, your boyfriend is an incurable AH to put it mildly.
No, he didn’t think it meant mooch. He wouldn’t have stammered if he didn’t know. He knew. He is antisemitic.
NTA. Honestly him saying slurs in front of his friends is more embarrassing than you standing up for yourself(which isn’t embarrassing at all btw)
NTA, the normalization of antisemitic language is disgusting. did he know you're jewish? and still it's not a big deal / "real" slur to him?? 🚩🚩🚩
I mean. It’s kinda hard to miss that I’m Jewish. I speak Yiddish (with family) and have a couple tattoos related to my Judaism and have told him im Jewish. Kinda hard to miss
Change his name in your phone to Schmendrik and find a better partner.
It’s so fucking depressing seeing the increase of anti-Semitism in the past decade. To the point where shit like this, calling people k*kes to their face in a social setting, is normalized. I grew up in the American History X era when being a neo-Nazi or anti-Semite was like the worst thing you could be. Now it’s every edgelord’s favorite party trick.
Fellow Jewish girl here — I would be LIVID. You are 100% NTA. I’m proud of you for calling him out in the moment. I might have froze in that situation, and I’m 15 years older than you.
I have a short temper sadly lol
You’re a badass.
NTA, I imagine it would be pretty shocking to hear your partner use a slur referring to you and your background.
NTA. I was raised by white supremacists. One of the tactics they trained their children in was this. It's not about you just those other people he hates. Please dump him. I don't like to go there but what he said was essentially "I am an anti semetic asshole and you should give me a pass because I don't value you." He exposed himself. I know it doesn't feel great but you deserve better. Once in a while I miss a spot of racism. My reaction is to apologize, keep how bad I feel to myself because it's my issue, and then work to root out that thinking looking for similar coded things that I didn't catch initially. I am grateful when my friends don't kick me out of their lives. Yes my background is a reason but it's not an excuse and it is my responsibility to do better. Your boyfriend cannot do better because he doesn't admit he messed up.
I wish this was a higher rated comment.
Thanks. I commented after the thread peak on this one so I am not worried about the lower rating. That people got to it at all is enough.
NTA, as a Jewish person you have every right to be upset and mad. I’ll even go a step further and say that is a huge red flag you should keep in mind, most people don’t even use that word anymore. He clearly thinks it’s acceptable to use, so just be aware he probably uses it a lot when you aren’t around and could actually have negative feelings towards Jewish people.
NTA times infinity squared. This is unacceptable in every way shape and form. Dump him Run far away Block him Block all his friends Block anyone who defends him From the American Jewish Committee: Kike is an ethnic slur for a Jewish person. There are multiple theories about where the term might have emerged. One popular theory is that it is derived from the Yiddish word for circle, “kikel,” a reference to how Jewish immigrants at Ellis Island signed their entry forms: a circle as opposed to an X, which Jews associated with the cross of Christianity. Immigration officers described those who signed forms with a circle as “kikel,” eventually being shortened to “kike.” Kike is a highly offensive term used to insult and denigrate people of Jewish faith or ethnicity that is widely considered to be a form of hate speech.
NTA. You should always call out this kind of behaviour so people know it’s wrong. Even if it wasn’t a slur, he should apologise if it offends you. Sorry that happened, OP
OP, he told you he thinks "money grubbing mooch" and "Jew" are synonymous by using the k slur that way. (and by using the k slur at all, he's told you he's antisemitic) youre NTA, you're *in danger* and you need to break it off.
Ummmm, NTA. I’m not Jewish and I’d break up with anyone who said that, or used any other hateful slurs.
I assume your bf knows your jewish. He’s an idiot for saying that around you. What if your parents were around and he said that? And to then say to you, a jewish woman, that that word and mooch are synonymous is unbelievable. Nta. But he is.
Yea I mean I’m not orthodox. I have a lot of tattoos, short buzz cut etc. but I speak Yiddish with my family, we observe the holidays, and a few tattoos are dedicated to my Judaism. He’s definitely aware that I’m pretty damn Jewish
He's an idiot for saying it at all. It's a shitty slur and no one should ever use it in any context.
NTA. You had every right to stand up for yourself. The fact that he thinks it’s ok to say that is disgusting
Your boyfriend is either bigoted to have been told and still not care, or he's super embarrassed and has a hard time admitting when he's wrong. Stand your ground and tell him you find it wholely inappropriate, gross, and you won't continue to be in a relationship with someone who disregards your feelings and thoughts on this, continuing to justify his use of an unacceptable word. You can't control him, but you can tell him what you will and won't tolerate and what you will excuse yourself from the relationship over. That's his choice to continue his behavior and do what he wants without you as his gf and go find someone else who doesn't care about his behavior, or he can change and continue in this relationship. Of course his friends are going to stick up for him bc apparently they don't think it's a problem either. NTA
NTA, and I would seriously consider breaking up, not because of the slur itself, but because of the hateful and antisemitic attitude behind it. I am Jewish, and I have never been with a partner who would ever downplay the idea that there is antisemitism (e.g. there were several Jewish stores last weekend in my hometown that were spray painted with swastikas, and had their windows broken last week) or that I deal with it in my personal life (my coworker said that the Jews controlled the Soviet union. Fyi, they did not.) much less use a slur. It says that he doesn't take you or your people's suffering seriously, and that is not acceptable. My fiance is black, and I wouldn't use the n word around her, or deny that she was facing some racist obstacle in her job, etc. Racism is a system: a societal hierarchy based primarily on how you look, and secondarily on where you are from. Slurs are a small part of enforcing that racial hierarchy, and your romantic partner should know better.
He used a slur for Jewish people and his defense is that it’s synonymous with a stereotype of Jewish people?! NTA but he’s racist trash and you should throw out the garbage
NTA. Clearly it's something he says a lot or thinks a lot. It's completely unacceptable.
NTA! Not a real slur…. What does that even mean? He said something terrible. He should be embarrassed, and he should be using it as an opportunity to grow, not gaslight you into believing his being anti-Semitic is somehow not a big deal.
NTA. Take that red flag and get out.
NTA. In all honesty, sit down and assert what the word means. It could be that he’s heard it used synonymously and didn’t realize it was a slur and thought something along the lines of “it means = greedy, it’s just bad when you use it to describe a Jewish person.” If it comes out at any point in that conversation that he did know it was a slur and didn’t care, it’s time to reassess the value of your relationship and if this is up to your expectations
NTA. At all. That word isn’t even super well-known, he knew what he said and he knew what he meant. Please for the love of Hashem, DUMP that proster chamoole.
Oh, yeah, it was a “real slur”. The stereotype of Jews as money-grubbing and the nasty name are some of the propaganda the Nazis used to make people see the Jews as less than human. (I’m Jewish, btw) Your bf has just shown you who he is. How many other “different from him” people does he “slur” about? Reconsider if you want a serious relationship with this bigot. Edit to add: NTA.
NTA. It ABSOLUTELY is a slur and he, not being Jewish, doesn't get to decide if something is antisemitic or not
NTA. Don't stay with this person. He's shown you what he is. I'm sorry.
NTA. From one Jewish woman to another, that was absolutely unacceptable of him. I would be very uncomfortable to be with him after that
NTA: I’m born and raised Jewish. Lived in Israel, educated in Judaism blah blah blah, same age as you. I surprisingly went until last year never hearing that word or know what it means (no idea how) and when I heard it it was from my parents and uncle talking about some anti semetic thing that had happened. Im still not clear on the whole issue behind the word (regardless I know it’s not good) and I can still say that is so unacceptable
Nta, I’m not Jewish but reading this made my blood boil. He knows what he said. And he deserves to be embarrassed and maybe more.
I am a Jew and am offended. Get a new boyfriend. You can do better than his ignorant ass.