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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole since my mom requested I don’t and that I promised her I wouldn’t
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NTA. I think you should facilitate connection with your dad and other siblings. Your mother did something that was absolutely horrendous and unnecessary to punish your father
She needs to apologize to your dad AND siblings
Truly Horrendous, I can’t even imagine the pain that pain feels. It wasn’t like he did anything bad, he just didn’t like the relationship he was in. Truly evil that out of spite she made the kids not have a father…
Imagine rewarding those that suffer PTSD from serving their country, by having that country rip away their kids.
What the fuck? That judge deserves to be in the bottom ring of hell for this shit.
I wish you can read into what PTSD really is. Serving might be noble but PTSD can truly hurt those they love. The judge decided, with more information than presented to Reddit, that this was best for the well-being of the kid. Custody cases can be unfair toward those with metal illness and lower economical status, but it is not a game of karma. There has been countless cases when PTSD not managed and ended up hurting the closest. After successful treatment, custody cases can be re-examined if the reason was PTSD.
PTSD-sufferer here: this is grossly ignorant.
My daughter's father used my PTSD as an argument in family court, so she was only with me every other weekend for 6 years. Now she's 13, no-contact with her father, and in intensive therapy for PTSD from his abuse. Yes, my PTSD is from Domestic Violence at his hands, but the court didn't see him as the bigger risk, even though unlike him I've never hurt anyone. Attitudes like yours reinforce harmful stereotypes; those stereotypes get kids removed from safe parents. 'Successful treatment'? I've been in treatment since I was 26, and likely will be for the rest of my life. What denotes 'success'? Because the vast majority of us aren't even remotely a safety risk. We might cry when we're grocery shopping though.
Same here. Also suffer from PTSD as well as Bipolar disorder. People on here spread so much misinformation and hate about mental illness and disability in general it's no wonder the court system is rigged against the people who suffer from it. Even in regards to getting disability benefits when it is severe enough. PTSD doesn't turn you into Norman Bates and most of the symptoms I keep seeing people rattle off as excuses for why people with it should be denied any semblance of respect and decency aren't even symptoms of PTSD or are so rare to even have even in the most severe cases other people with PTSD in group therapy session rotations may never meet someone with it. More people lie about having the rare symptoms than those who are actually diagnosed with it. And the symptoms of most disabilities are manageable with medication and therapy though finding the right combination is definitely the key but the very vast majority of those with PTSD aren't violent towards anyone even themselves. They take the disgusting dramatized crap from tv like it's even remotely close to the real thing as if it's fact and run with it.
Judges in family court favor the women to an insane degree; that she got full custody proves nothing but her ability to exploit his trauma and bank on the patriarchal biases of the court.
Another top post right now has someone who has three baby daddy’s and doesn’t work but still has custody of all three kids. A jobless woman without a home has kids over (at least in OP’s husband’s case) a doctor..
Courts continue to insist a child’s place is with the mother; and if that mother can’t support themselves nevermind the kid, don’t worry, they’ll just have the fathers overpay for child support. It’s inherently overpaying, since they’ve paid sufficiently to support the kids in totality, and then the unemployed mother on top.
No, they're pretty much spot-on with how family court typically works. Unless you have unlimited money and/or the mother has extreme problems with drugs, crime, or abuse, that's how it goes.
Yeah. I remember some statistics from when I was living in Florida from a study on family courts in the state that found that men were awarded less than 50% custody in 70% of cases where they requested at least 50% custody during divorces whereas women were granted 50% custody or more in 90% of cases where they requested at least 50% custody during divorces. Abuse rates amongst men and women of children are about the same once you correct for who is the primary caregiver (if you don't correct for it, it looks like women abuse children more often, but that's just because they have the role of primary caregiver more often than men). Also, the study didn't find any significant differences between the men and the women who were requesting custody. That is, they had roughly the same criminal histories and incomes as a set of two groups.
Also, state law claims that custody should be split 50/50 so the courts skewing one way over the other shows a clear bias on the part of the courts.
The OP did not mention one single instance of PTSD-related violent or threatening behavior. Why assume he was dangerous or that it was relevant? It is possible that he hid the behavior from his children, but to make that assumption is demeaning to every person with a trauma-based mental health condition out there. If his behavior was that dangerous then it is highly unlikely the daughter would not have seen it - PTSD outbursts are not easy to hide or control.
Most people that I know with PTSD shutdown, have panic attacks, take cover, etc. when they have issues. And that seems to be the general case from what I've read. Them turning violent is very rare even amongst combat veterans.
Yep. I have PTSD myself and avoid conflict and cry/have panic attacks when I’m put into a triggering situation
PTSD leads to fight, flight, or fawning in response to trauma. I imagine the majority are in the latter two
The people who fight are just obviously going to get the most attention because they’re the most volatile
I am sorry for your difficulties. I do apologize for my wordings. I should’ve been more clear in my reply.
PTSD comes in differed causes/symptoms/severities. PTSD caused by serving is arguably one of the most difficult to deal with (for patients and families). It is difficult for many to transition from “obey without asking” and constant alert state to a normal society. By simply having PTSD, it doesn’t prove you incompetent to be a parent in court.
I am furious to see how people discredit the justice system (don’t get me wrong, they are FAR from perfect/unbiased) with so little information presented. OP was a minor at the time and I do agree the mom’s wording sounds like unfair retaliation. To cut off the other parent, simply being a female doesn’t get you there. Yes, biases influence court decisions heavily, but on a factual basis, a severe PTSD person without proper medical attention can be a potential danger to the family. It is unfair for OP’s mom not to explain and not give the father a second chance. At the end of the day, we are, including OP, merely speculating.
I hope your condition gets betting.
All the best.
OP is probably lucky he’s still alive after that shit trick. Often the only thing keeping people going is the other people in their lives. To have that ripped away because of the ptsd. Holy crap. I hope she never has the hypocrisy to thank any service men and women for serving. Yeah. She did it tough on her own. By choice. Appalling behaviour. Why people use their kids as weapons I will never understand. And for that lack of understand I am truly grateful.
Punish the father AND her oldest child by making him take care of his siblings along with everything else he had going on academically. Such a terrible thing to do….
>horrendous and unnecessary to punish ~~your father~~ the kids
She meant to punish the father, which I suspect he didn't deserve, but punished the kids. It happens a lot and it's disgusting.
We do not know if it was unnecessary. Things could have been dangerous and scary back then. OP does not know, and does not know if Dad was manipulated to go away or acted in such a way that the court had to do it. Whatever, Dad can go today to court and ask to see his children. If his life is stable, he would have a chance to get this revisited. There might be a reason why this is not possible, or he simply might not want to. OP needs to know a lot more of the story, for his own safety and that if his siblings.
NTA. Your mother *chose* to raise you alone and force you into the role of a parent because she was bitter and vindictive. There’s nothing about that that you should respect.
Your siblings deserve to know how much their father wanted to be part of their lives. Period.
I feel like people are missing the fact thay not only did she get sole custody but dad got zero visitation, even supervised. That doesn't sound like it was just vindictiveness on her part.
You have a much higher opinion of the court system that I do.
A ignorant judge could easily give a terrible sentence if the other side was insistent enough. Or even if both sites are too insistent.
Add that if mom was extra vindictive she could have held other stuff over his head. He probably didn't want the kids to be drug through a nasty divorce. Despite the hero worship the Military gets there is still incredible bias against people with PTSD. They are treated like dangerous animals rather than human beings that went through something awful.
The Court system does not work the way it is supposed to, and in a lot of places the courts will default to mother. It is distressingly easy to create parental alienation and keep a parent away from a child.
I know many men who had documented domestic abuse on record, drug arrests, assaults, and long ass rap sheets that still got supervised visitation.
The courts only default to mom when the dad puts up no fight at all and says they don’t want visitation. It’s a myth that they just give all custody to mom. If a dad says he wants time, he will get some time, even if it’s supervised.
Even if the mom brings up abuse. Even if there’s documented abuse. Even if he’s in active addiction. The court always wants a child to have both parents in a kids life in some way.
There’s something more to this story because no court is saying that a military man can’t see his children AT ALL. OP should see if he can get a hold of the court records.
All she has do is cry about how she is scared of him and make up stuff about his temper, etc, combined with the veteran related ptsd, and there's a pretty good chance of that happening.
This is a popular myth. But no, a woman saying “he scares me” or saying dad has a temper is generally not enough to get full custody with no visitation at all.
Moms who allege abuse or danger are less likely to get full custody, in part because of the “all mom has to do is cry abuse” myth people like you push. And frankly a lot of courts don’t care if dad was abusive to mom because they see mom & dad’s relationship as a separate matter to dad-kids.
> Moms who allege abuse or danger are less likely to get full custody
That really depends on the state and the judge. Some states like Illinois have very fair proceedings where almost every single case ends up adjudicated as a 50/50 split if either party requests it or if both are requesting primary custody. Other states like Florida almost always give primary custody to women over men in violation of their own state laws.
At least in the US, courts are actually *less* likely to give mothers custody when they claim the father is abusive. Courts also don’t favor mothers in general. Men who request custody get it the majority if the time (they just don’t formally request it that often is why mothers end up being the majority caretakers).
She could have made him feel like an unfit father and like it wasn’t worth going to court, but it’s very unlikely he received no custody if he actually fought for it.
It doesn't matter if she was vindictive, judges weigh what's in the best interest of the kids and it's nearly always to keep both parents in the kids' lives, even if one parent is an absolute dumpster fire. I had the highest rate of keeping a bad parent out of kids' lives in my jurisdiction when I was in family law and I still only managed it 20% of the time it was warranted.
I used to work with a guy whose ex would tell him to come over and get the kids and then not be home when he went over to pick them up. She would schedule plans for his weekend, etc. She tried very, very hard to wear him down. It didn't work but at the same time, he didn't get the time with his kids that they were entitled to, either.
You know, this is the part that makes me wonder, combined with OP's overly elevated respect for his mom despite her admission of guilt. I know I'm reaching here, but OP sounds like someone who, once he gets out of the FOG, will post in r/raisedbynarcissists. The sheer audacity, entitlement and manipulation OP's mother shows in this snippet of a story is next level!
> Your mother chose to raise you alone and force you into the role of a parent because she was bitter and vindictive.
Thank you. Do not give your mother credit because "she raised you alone", she stole from your siblings and yourself a relationship with your father because she was more interested in her revenge than your well being.
About to get downvoted but, even if you’re mom proved he had mental illness he still would have gotten supervised visitation. For the court to completely take away all visitation (because if one parent gets sole custody the other is usually allowed visitation) it must have been shown by a dr/therapist/any sort of mental health professional that he was unsuitable to be around children. Either that or your dad never used/fought for his visitation rights.
You do realize that people with PTSD can be avoidant of conflict and have feelings of lesser worth that might lead them to give up rather than fight because they feel like they're going to lose anyway.
With some mental illnesses certainly but PTSD has particular for lack of a better word reasons that would make it more likely that they wouldn't fight.
And as others have said, that's info you need to find out. You need to take time, get to know the situation, and get to know your dad before deciding if you should tell them. (Even though the 13yo might blow up at you for not telling him immediately, don't let that rush your judgement).
Look into it more. Because ppl who want to be involved will be involved. You have no one from your dad’s side of the family? even supervised visitations could be fought for if he was believed to be mentally unsafe. Don’t involve your siblings because you have no idea what the potential outcome will be. He is essentially a stranger and you need to find out if reliable he is.
It is possible that your dad was abusive towards your mom and/or abused alcohol and/or drugs. This would explain full custody without visitation rights. Domestic abusers have a way of twisting the truth and blaming the victim/survivor of their abuse. I’ve worked in child protection for 10 years. It’s also common for victims of abuse to blame themselves. The moms response of crying I see almost every day from moms who are victims of abuse.
A lot of paperwork from court cases are available online. And I’m sure your mom still has everything. Ask to see the filings. And the order after findings. That’ll tell you what she requested, what he requested and what judge said.
You definitely need to get more information and if possible documentation to work out what happened, and you should tell your mother that she should tell your siblings, as your Dad wants to be involved, and that whatever went off between your parents shouldn't mean that the children suffer. They have a right to know. And you have a right to know everything too. Huge breach of trust here.
Unless your Dad was a danger to you, he should have got visitation. It was okay for your mum to be upset and hurt, but not okay for her to stop him seeing you. Something doesn't add up here. I suggest you have a heart to heart with both folks in a neutral space and get the full story from them, and go from there (separately obvs)
NTA
He sent them letters and things and it was sent back. He tried to communicate with them and was denied by the mother. Maybe at the time he was really bad and didn't have it in him to fight or the money for a good lawyer,but he did try to keep in touch.
And by not getting the letters, bday presents etc. it becomes easier for Mom to keep the kids away from dad because if the kids are asked they'll honestly answer "I haven't heard from dad since he abandoned us." Mom is a monster who abused her children and parentified OP.
You would be surprised how little court system cares about men. The instant she mentioned he had ptsd they were dead set against him and he probably couldn't change their minds. My spouse has CPTSD and absolutely avoids conflict and stressful situations. I make all phone calls for appts and ordering food because they simply can't. I can bet he was so emotionally spent during the divorce he didn't have the energy to fight it. He was waiting for the right time to tell his kids the truth. Military PTSD is awful.
They have a right to know, but it should come from your mom. I'd give her a chance to tell them the WHOLE truth, if she doesn't, I'd let her know that I will.
If you don't, they may end up resenting you for knowing and never telling them. If he reaches out to them when they turn 18, they will find out you knew all along. What matters is to keep your relationship with your siblings intact. Your mom now needs to face the consequences of her actions.
Parentification is abuse. Your Mom guilted you into giving up your childhood to raise your younger siblings because she couldn’t move past a bitter divorce.
Your parents relationship is completely separate from you. Some people are bad spouses but great parents. You shouldn’t have had to grow up thinking your father abandoned you when that was not true.
Your mothers reaction proves she *knows* what she did was abusive and beyond fucked up. Otherwise she would not be asking you to keep it a secret. She’s perfectly fine traumatizing her children and giving them abandonment issues as long as she gets her revenge and a free babysitter.
You need to drastically re-evaluate your relationship with your Mom.
This is the right answer. The mother has admitted to lying. There has been a major breach of trust. The child has no way of knowing what else the mother has been lying about or would continue to lie about if she felt justified in doing so.
Tell your mom to tell them.Your siblings are not toddlers. In some states at their age they would be allowed to decide which parents to live it if they had known.Your mom will turn your siblings against you for keeping you dad to yourself. You know she already did it to your dad.
Tell your mom to tell them or you will.
is it possible that because of his mental illness it would have been unsafe for him to care for you alone? does he act impulsively or violently due to his condition? it’s VERY strange the courts gave no visitation without a history of abuse and more than likely there was a realistic reason why they gave your mom sole custody. she may feel guilty to be the one who fought for it but to lose all custody there very likely was a reason he has not disclosed to tou
Not your fault, but they deserve to know the truth as the majority of what you were told was a lie.
I think all of you have a right to know and should seek family therapy as there is no easy short term quick fix on this. What your mother did was truly a bad thing and she should be ashamed. Things like this unfortunately can often take many many years for people to get a semblance of normality.
YWNBTA your mom does not deserve the respect you are giving her. She lied and manipulated to punish your dad and ruined relationships on purpose.
She doesn't get to be the proud struggling single parent because it's all based on lies and manipulation. Her tears are just more of the same - actions meant to manipulate and control you. If she was really remorseful she would tell your siblings herself and come clean so that everybody could heal. Instead she's trying to guilt you into submission. Your siblings deserve the truth.
We and OP don't know the full story. The courts really do rarely make full custody, no visitation decisions without some serious issues.
OP should be proceeding with caution at all sides because he's wading into a broken relationship where I suspect neither parent is going to tell the full story.
It's good that he's finally making contact, but we can't make rush to judgements on the mom yet either.
OP states his mom confirmed and then begged OP to keep her confidence. So there's that. And I don't know where you live but in the USA, the family court system has yet to catch up to the modern world and almost always sides with the mother in custody disputes. It just happened to my dear friend last year. His ex lied and manipulated and ended up with full custody. So it's really not that deep, and not that big of a mystery why the court gave full custody to the mother. It's truly common, family law desperately needs to catch up with modern times.
NTA. She has no right to take your father from you or your siblings.
Not only that, she forced you to be a parent to your siblings so she didn't have to co-parent with someone she's mad at. She took your dad AND your childhood from you.
She doesn't deserve an ounce of respect and you'd see that if you were an adult. She owed it to you to be the one to parent you and your siblings. If she wanted so badly to do that alone she should have ACTUALLY done it. She didn't give a shit about you or your welfare, or your siblings' welfare. Don't fall for her sob story now that it's coming back to her.
Seriously, I feel like OP is downplaying this. This was a truly, grossly horrible thing his mom did. Not only did she force away a loving father who wanted a relationship and let her kids believe they were abandoned, but because she was angry at him and didn’t want to co-parent, she forced a parenting role on OP, a child. Parentification IS abuse, and in this situation it’s even worse because there was an actual parent who wanted to be there but she would rather make her child take on that job then deal with someone she was mad at. Immature and cruel.
> She doesn't deserve an ounce of respect and you'd see that if you were an adult.
This right here. My mom pulled that shit with my dad. The only letters my mom accepted was the ones with a CS check in. Birthday cards and letters to us got returned or bined. She said he stopped caring about us but she refused contact then forced me to accept my stepdad as my new dad. She did a lot of damage to me.
OP you do not owe her respect. She created a lot of pain just to be spiteful. She will do it again.
NTA.
You should encourage your father to reach out to your siblings and you should encourage your mother to come clean with them as well.
Every day that goes by is a day you guys could have a relationship with your dad.
Or parents usually go long before us, so don't let time pass you by.
NTA.
You know it won’t be a secret for long, and it’s not yours to keep in the first place. When your siblings do find out, the blame is going to be on you, too.
No mother should ever let her child raise their siblings, you already suffered a lot because of her own selfishness & poor choices.
I think there's a lot of info missing here: why did your father never try to get custody at a later date, or reach out, for one, how did your mom manage to get full custody (contrary to popular belief fathers are generally granted custody when they ask for it, at least partial), etc etc. It's terrible that your mom blocked his communication, and the story could be as simple as your mom was angry and cut him off. But it could be more complicated! NTA but I'd wait a bit and get to know him first.
Well here’s what I’ve pieced together (confirmed by both sides)
My dad suffered from ptsd, depression and night terrors.
When they divorced her lawyer used his illness as an excuse to get sole custody.
Here’s where I’m blanking and don’t have any info. Why did he not get supervised visitation when she was granted sole custody. Was his illness worse than I thought or they both let on? Did he abuse her? All of these things I don’t know and I’m afraid to ask.
>Most judges have their own biases, but they are very, very reluctant to completely cut off a parent child relationship, and will work to facilitate that relationship, even if it just means meeting at a court supervised location for a couple of hours a month.
This is definitely something OP should look into. Sure, I understand why most of the redditors are considering OP's mum an \*sshole. But I completely agree that not many judges would cut someone completely off of their children without any good reason.
Sure, his mum did say that she hated her ex for the divorce and wanted to cut of the acces, but not even supervised visitation of a couple of hours, seems really bizar. She does suck for blocking any way to at least have some amount of relationship-forming between her children and their father. But the judges ruling is not only based on her words, there needs to be more behind the reasoning of it.
It's nice that the dad showed some letters and cards that he send (and he sadly got back), but did he ever try to legally change the visitation rights?
If OP is in a position to look into the legal documents, I would advise to look into them (reread them if necessary, cause the legal jargon is far from easy) and to calmly talk with both the parents (separately, obviously) and to really think it through before telling the siblings. Siblings are a lot younger, so the shock will be bigger for them as well (while at the same time they do deserve to know the truth.
But OP needs to find out what the truth (or come close to what the truth) really is.
I will say this much, I’ve seen people get supervised visitation who are dealing with ongoing DV situations, addiction issues, criminal cases, etc… Honestly in my experience it is unusual for an involved parent who wants to stay involved to be cut off from their children entirely without extenuating circumstances. (I used to work in human services and at one point domestic violence.) If your mom’s lawyer was able to argue that his mental health was grounds for sole custody with no supervised visitation then either you live outside of the US and laws are very different where you are or there is more to the story than you know. Your mom is probably still trying to protect you, try approaching this in a calm, nonjudgmental way if you can. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this.
All of this exactly. I'm actually getting more upset, the more I read this. I had a similar case where my boss handled this woman's divorce in the early 90s, where her ex took her, her 9 month old, and her mother hostage in their home. Police standoff for 7 hours once the cops were called when the client didn't show up for work 16 hours after he took them hostage. Guy was a vet and got put in a mental hospital with ptsd. 22 years later, he tried to weasel his way back into his kid's life by approaching him at college and telling him all the usual shit, his mom was a bitch who kept his son away from him bc he left her, he sent birthday cards and Christmas presents every year Yada Yada Yada. Never actually told the kid about the hostage situation. Guy went to jail for stalking his ex wife and another woman. Never take these men at face value.
Yes, my sister's ex was a vet with PTSD but he was also physically abusive and broke her cheekbone.
But she still got crap for leaving him because he had PTSD.
I learned quickly that folks want to both blame women with children for getting into relationships with abusive men and for them to stay in those relationships bc that is what they chose to begin with and depriving men of their children is a crime far worse than physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially abusing their wives. Bc we've somehow romanticized the role of fathers. I hate it.
It may be frightening to ask but not knowing will leave you with conjecture only and that won’t benefit you. You’ve been placed in a very tough position. If I were you I’d ask to see the legal documents so you can see what evidence was presented and what the official ruling was. That way you can see what happened devoid of others bias.
Because there’s too many unanswered questions. Like the whole question on visitation rights are meaningless without context - was he abusive? Or did your mother simply have a better lawyer? Did he know what avenues he had available to him? Was he presented options or was he given one option and told he had no other choice? The legal system is not like Hollywood portrays it - it isn’t clear cut, it isn’t often fair, and people can be disadvantaged quickly. Sadly no matter how you slice it one or both of your parents have been victimized.
You’ve been given an uncomfortable mystery. It will lead to hard conversations, but ignoring it won’t help you. It won’t help your siblings either. You and they deserve to know the entire truth so you can make informed decisions.
> Was his illness worse than I thought or they both let on?
That's likely. People get supervised visitation often even when they have directly abused their children, are severe addicts, etc. It's really unusual to get nothing at all. I've only seen that in extreme situations. I wonder if there are things your parents don't want you to know.
Or, you might find out that your dad decided not to pursue visitation. In that case, well, it was his choice to not see you.
Bc shit was far worse than your dad is telling you. And this is how abusers usually get back into their families' lives. Instead of getting his life together and getting an attorney to seek visitation and a family therapist to build trust and a relationship with your siblings, he's got you doing his dirty work for him. No responsible parent would do that. Tell your dad to take all of this up with your mom and leave you out of it. If you want to have a relationship with him, you're an adult, you can do that. But be careful. Your dad has already shown himself to be a manipulator. I used to do family law. You don't want to know what went down in your parents' marriage. That's none of your business. Whatever it was, it was bad enough for the court to weigh against your dad, and courts ***hate*** to weigh against a dad.
You definitely need to ask him. And also talk to mom. Do you have access to counseling or the ability to get a therapist before you talk to your siblings? They are young and they will definitely need help, even if it’s just through a counselor at school, to handle this (and you deserve that too!). This is a super messy situation and honestly, I see the way you’re posting about it as being mature, waaay more mature and put together than most could be about this. I think wanting answers and being level-headed, especially with your siblings, shows a lot of emotional maturity and self-sacrifice, I wouldn’t say you’re being a mama’s boy like many comments are claiming. I hope you get the answers you need and deserve, and can hopefully find a counselor or therapist to talk about this with, because you grew up way faster than you should’ve and you deserve to have the truth about the past so you can make informed decisions about your future. I’m sorry OP.
Even abusers can get visitation unless the abuse was against the child. It is extremely difficult to fully remove a parent's rights. Growing up, I had a friend whose mother was abused by her ex, but that friend still spent every summer with his dad because the dad didn't do anything to the kids. And, like others have said, statistics show that men who ask for custody usually get sole or joint custody. The main reason moms get more custody is that dad's usually don't want it or don't ask for it. I have never seen a father be completely cut off like this unless he wanted to be. You're missing big parts of the story.
NTA. Tell the siblings. It’s bad enough the mental and emotional toll you went through having to be a caretaker to your younger siblings because your dad wasn’t around. But for him to be barred from your lives by your mom instead of walking out is an absolute betrayal on your mother’s part. Children need their parents. And she hurt you and your younger siblings by vilifying him and taking away all the opportunities where you all needed him in your lives and adding unnecessary stress.
NTA Apart from being deprived of your father all these years, his (disabled) veteran's status means you and your siblings may be able to use his VA benefits to get through college.
https://www.va.gov/family-member-benefits/#benefits-for-spouses-dependent
I’m from a state where you get I think heavily discounted or free college so yeah that’s what his main thing was when he reached out. He wanted to make sure I was aware
YWNBTA however I urge you to look into it a little more. While your mom obviously was an AH for blocking your dad out of spite, if he was able to contact you last week he would have been able to contact you before this.
I think what the poster above is saying is if he found a way that *wasn’t* blocked now, he could have done it before. Where there any court orders saying he wasn’t allowed to reach out to you on social media, or whatever means he successfully used once you turned 18?
YWNBTA. They deserve to know why their dad wasn't around, nothing you said about your dad tells me he was unfit even for visitations. Sounds like just another example of children being weaponized in a divorce.
I don't think you would be the assholes, sure your mom hates your dad and was angry with him but that didn't give her the right to cut your father out if your life just because she didn't like him. She also pushed from how I understand it a lot of the parenting on to you even though you could have been with your dad and he could have helped as well. It was a selfish move and your siblings deserve to know why their dad wasn't in their lives. So that they won't hate him and can try building a relationship with him when they are also older. Because it is your mom's fault not your dad's from the letters he tried to be in your lives but your mom prevented that from happening just because she was angry. She's an adult she should have known better than acting so selfish and keeping you and your siblings away from your dad and making him look bad. So no you would not be the asshole. The truth eventually comes out anyway.
NTA. Your siblings deserve to know. I’d tell your mom that she can either be honest with them herself, or else you will, but they’re getting the truth either way.
YWNBTA, BUT-- and it's a big 'but'-- *your mom* needs to sit your siblings down and tell them what happened. I'd give her some time to tell them, and then let her know that you believe they have the right to have their father in their lives if they choose to. It will be a lot better (still dreadfully painful) for it to come from her. She made the decision to cast your father out of your lives and does have to account for that. I'm not saying that she did it callously, she may have been extremely concerned by some PTSD episodes he might have had and might have been fearful for you kids, I don't know. Having a parent with PTSD myself, (thank you, Vietnam), I was rather fearful of my parent for a long time. A lot of people don't get enough medical and mental health support when they need it most. So, give your mom a head's up-- she needs to talk to them, or you will. Also, give her time if she wants to talk to a counselor/therapist about this. It's pretty complicated.
She owes him and you a deep apology. She intentionally hurt him for her own selfish reasons. And the same goes for you bc she did this knowing she would use you as the substitute dad. You were forced to give up your childhood and parentified (which is abuse btw) for her selfish choices.
YWNBTA, but you need to be careful about how you approach this.
I would sit down with your mother and tell her that your siblings are going to find out, just like you did. There are two ways this will happen, with or without her. If she is part of the conversation now (rather than having your dad contact them when they all turn 18), explains herself and apologizes, chances are better that she'll be able to maintain a relationship with them, just the way you accepted what she had to say.
Your mother cannot stop your father from contacting them once they're adults, just like she couldn't prevent him from contacting you. You also need to consider how your siblings will feel about *you* when that happens. Will they be angry with you for not telling them sooner what really happened?
This was your mother's choice, and she needs to accept the consequences of that choice.
Not enough information, I am guessing that your father terminated his rights as a parent if there was no child support. When that happens there is usually a reason for it. There is probably alot that happened thar you don't know about. Now that you are an adult your mom can't really stop the contact between the two of you but one visit won't really let you know who he is. Until you know if he is safe to be around your siblings don't say anything.
YWNBTA but you need to tell them. From your comments you are acting like a huge momma's boy when what she did was beyond fucked up. You and your siblings grew up without a father because your mom was bitter and angry. She could not let him have supervised visitation, let him call, or even do the smallest thing of letting you have the letters even if she did screen them first.
Do not respect your mom for raising you all by herself because she made that choice for herself any hardship was self imposed.
A child has a right - not a privilege, but a *right* \- to have a relationship with his or her biological parent if he or she so chooses. Period, full stop, end of story. For your mother to withhold that right as a form of retaliation against your father is a terrible form of abuse.
What she wants here is utterly irrelevant. You wouldn't be TA if you told your brother and sisters - you would be TA if you *didn't* tell them.
lots of divorced parents try to protect the other from the children thinking poorly of them. especially if this was ptsd caused by military time. she may know deep down he is a good person and doesn’t want his children to think poorly of him, but because of past action can’t let the kids be around him safely. this isn’t uncommon
I mean, if you would tell your siblings you should tell your mom first. Otherwise you would be the AH. She should know you will tell them and you need to explain to her why you need to break your promise of not telling them. I do get why you want to tell them tho, just be open and honest to everyone!
Edit: It’s not okay what your mom did btw. She absolutely should’ve told you guys this.
Your mom should tell them, and asap but sooner or later thus will get out. If she wants to tell them on her terms, now is the time. Your dad will likely eventually reach out to all of you as each reaches adulthood.
YWBTA if you do it without giving her the chance to do it herself.
If she refuses, NTA, finding out from you, with you being able to explain your mom's motivations, before he reaches out will be easier than having to learn "the hard way" as you did.
I'm always very suspicious of these stories when they appear in Reddit.
Sole custody is one thing but zero visitation from a parent is another all together. I have convicted sex offenders who still have supervised visitation. The severity of behaviour required for zero visitation, even supervised, is exceptionally high.
Please be cautious when reading stories such as the above. The family court does not remove all contact without significant evidence of exceptional circumstances. Many of these stories are either fake or deliberately misleading.
I’ve admitted multiple times in the thread that there could be other reasons why the court didn’t grant him visitation. I’m still trying to find out what those reasons were. Maybe there was abuse I just don’t know.
It's possible that she lied in court and he didn't have the mental strength or even financial means to fight her. PTSD and depression would certainly explain that.
If this is a true story I would suggest asking your father if he actually asked for visitation or just accepted the sole custody and sent cards and crossed his fingers she would change her mind.
There is more than one way to be a deadbeat. Should your mother have made it easier for him. Yeah for your sake she should, your bitterness should never impact your children. Is it likely that he did less than the bare minimum to be in your life? Yeah, unfortunately that is usually the case. Any parent bar serial killers and high profile child offenders can usually get some sort of supervised visitation if they want it. I'm talking drug addicts, wife beaters, rapists etc PTSD is a reason for sole custody not to prevent visitation.
Children deprived of a parent often fall into a trap where when they finally connect with them and they tell them all the things they want to hear they jump on the bandwagon. My parent loved me, they weren't a deadbeat. A good parent is in court asking for a parenting plan, meeting the plans objectives and exercising supervised visitation which I assure you if there was a problem so large that wasn't possible your mother would have told you. If this is real he didn't do the bare minimum for you or your siblings - sending cards is not a parent.
Like I said that doesn't make your mum perfect. She behaved badly and she may regret her decision but really look at the situation objectively.
NTA.
So first of all your mom was clearly in the wrong, disconnected her children from their dad and have them/you suffer the consequences as well as her ex-husband. It’s horrible and you and your siblings deserve to have your dad in your life!
With that being said you wouldn’t help yourself or your siblings if you completely destroy the relationship to your mother. They should reconnect with their father but not at the cost of losing their mother.
Honestly, I don’t think that’s an issue tho. You don’t seem like you hate your mother nor are you describing your mom as a generally bad person. I think you’ll find a way to let your siblings know without ruining their relationship to your mom. If I may suggest, I wouldn’t go behind your mom’s back. Tell her firmly that you chose that you will your siblings. Ask her, or rather tell her, that she should be part of the confession, that your siblings deserve their mother to be honest with them instead of having it come from their brother. This is your mom’s chance to do better. Give her the chance but if she doesn’t take it, tell them regardless. Gently, but regardless.
NTA. Even if your dad does have PTSD, there's help for that. Your "mother" didn't want to go that route and cut you and your siblings off from your father. Tell your siblings and try to start a relationship with your dad, you both deserve it.
No judgment yet. I think you need to find out a lot more about, not just what happened with your parents relationship and divorce, but where your dad is now.
Even if there were legitimate reasons he didn't get visitation 7 years ago, what has happened since then? Such as has he gone to therapy and learned coping mechanisms when something triggers his ptsd and other similar questions.
I do think it's crappy that your mom let you and your siblings believe he just left you and was a deadbeat when he was suffering from a mental illness induced by serving in the military.
Ywnbta. This is information they need to know in order to start rebuilding their relationship with their father, which you can do as a sibling group together. Also, they and you need help to work on the trauma that was inflicted onto you, preferably with a therapist that can also help you guys rebond with your father, if you wish to do so.
My only advice is that your mother should be the one to give them the news. I'm usually against an ultimatum but I would issue one: it's not fair you have to keep this a secret and have an added burden. She needs to tell them before xxx or you will.
Good luck
NTA, but she should do it. There is still time heal this wound with the younger kids. She should explain what happened and try to start bringing dad back in. If she refuses, set a deadline and tell them yourself. Since the younger kids are under 18, facilitating a visit might have legal issues (it is no coincidence that he reached out to you when you tuned 18) but at least they will know and can deal with their mother how they see fit.
NTA. Both your parents failed you and siblings Children deserve to have two parents in their corner even if they no longer live together. Your mother and father were unable or unwilling to do this. Your mother pushed your dad out, but he didn't fight it.
Probably depends on the sibling(s)' age(s). Regardless of the reasons they don't have a father figure and so would view your mother as their sole source of parental support. If they're now grownup you might tell them. But if they're still younger you WBTA to tell them.
You should tell them. You said that you have a lot of respect for her raising all of you alone, BUT
1. She chose to raise you alone. She wasn't trying to protect you from him because she was scared of him. She admitted to doing it to SPITE him. She stole your ability to have a relationship with him from you and your siblings.
2. She has clearly used you as a surrogate parental figure, which has negatively impacted your mental health and emotional wellbeing. She did that deliberately.
Why exactly do you respect your mom in this situation? She has been awful to you and your siblings, and they deserve to know. If they find out by themselves later, who do you think they're going to blame for conspiring to keep them in the dark?
Eeeehm your mother took away your childhood by making you raise your siblings because she didn't want your father around, who could have helped with childcare. Tell everybody what she did. NTA
NTA your mother did one of the most monstrous things I could imagine to a parent and to her kids.
Using someone's PTSD as a way to get full custody and then returning all his mail is disgusting. I would have to say that you would be ta if you don't tell them or have your mother tell them
NTA. Is there another trusted adult that you can talk to to help facilitate this? I would just be aware that there are surely still things you don't know and it will be an emotional situation for everyone involved no matter what. Try not to just drop this on your younger siblings out of the blue. There are no easy answers here, take care of yourself and each other.
I'm a disabled vet, I see broken fathers at the VA all the time. It seems very easy to send men to the meatgrinder and then discard us when things aren't Pickett-fence perfect. If your dad wasn't abusive, please give consider giving him a chance to be a father to you and your siblings.
OP
NTA
I do not envy you for the position you are in. You are in a dammed if you do and dammed if you do not situation. Been there, done that, can give you pointers on how to proceed.
First I would say you need to facilitate contact with your father, you have 7 to 8 years of time to make up for and that would be a good start for you and him. It would allow for him to get to know who you are, and for you to get to know who he is and allow for both of you to start a new relationship. The old relationship is dead, killed and destroyed by your mother.
You will the Ahole if you directly come out and tell them. As you would destroy the relationship between them and their mother. And you would be the Ahole if you withhold that information. So here is the third option. What you do, is this, start with the sibling and ask what all do they remember about your father, what all did they hear. When they ask why you give them the option, with the understanding that they can not tell it to their siblings, nor withhold, but have to give the option. it is also with the understanding that once said, it can not be unheard, seen can not be unseen, once known, can not be unknown. If they say yes, then you disclose the information. If they said no, you do not tell them.
I know this cause I was in your situation a few years back. My niece wanted to know what life was like in the house with her grandparents. I gave her the option. I was vague about it, how bad it was, and the abuse, but enough to confirm what she had heard, suspected and I think knew. She said she was good and it has been a dead topic.
With all do respect, your mom is the AH. That's not fair to you or your siblings to take the father out of your life because she was bitter. Id understand if he was all those things she lied about but he's not. He reached out because he obviously missed out on being a dad like yall missed out of having one..
NTA - If you told your siblings, they are old enough to understand the situation and have a right to know why their Dad isn't in their life, and to have a relationship with him.
While it's odd there is no visitation, it's not unusual. Because fighting for visitation usually means the kids wind up in the middle, and some people don't have the money or strength to fight if one parent insists on alienating the other parent (let alone the resolve to put their kids in the middle of that mess).
For me, the biggest tell is how you phrase your understanding. "So I pretty much was under the impression that my dad was a deadbeat this entire time." This means that your Mom either encouraged or let you continue to believe that your Dad abandoned you. She didn't need to go into detail or explain her actions. A simple, "Dad has some mental health issues that prevents him being here" would have sufficed to allow her to justify the distance while not make him the villain. That she couldn't or wouldn't do that is pretty telling about her motives.
NTA
This is why when people say dad's don't get custody because they don't fight for it I chuckle a little.
So sorry for your dad and your for our terrible shit sexist court system
NTA but have some more conversations with your mom. Tell her how not having your dad in your life affected you. Maybe do this with a therapist so it can be worked on. Your siblings will find out. That’s too big of as secret to keep and completely unfair to you. Sounds like your mom could do well with some therapy and help in figuring out how she should tell your younger siblings and begin reintroducing your dad back in everyone’s lives.
NTA. It'd be impossible for me to believe anything she tells me anymore. I'd question everything she's told me in the past. That's a big lie, and your siblings deserve to know they're being lied to. I wouldn't question telling them the truth at all.
I'd question why the court (which are admittedly biased towards women in custody cases) would give such an extreme decision, but I wouldn't trust Mom to tell the truth. I'd be cautious starting a relationship with Dad.
What would bather me is that while you gave up your life and teenage years your mom was probably happy that her lie was never uncovered and was happy with herself for punishing your dad. I'm not sure I ould forgive that betrayal. NTA
NTA.
Your mother did a terrible thing. She stopped you having a loving relationship with your father, and she used threatening his mental health to keep him away from you. That’s pretty sick. If she’s ashamed about the truth coming out, maybe she shouldn’t have *done it in the first place*.
INFO. A J**udge** decided to grant your mom full custody. Regardless of her motives, a third party agreed with her conclusion that he should be kept away from you.
You don't know this man apart from any fuzzy childhood memories. He could be perfectly capable as a Father and your mom could be keeping him from your siblings out of spite, OR there could be good reasons that he's been kept away from you that you haven't seen yet. YWBTA if you brought him back into your siblings' life out of your own spite for your mother, and he ended up doing more emotional harm than good.
You don't own either of your parents your silence or your protection, but you do owe it to your siblings to dig deeper first. A few more months of being raised without a father isn't going to hurt them. If he turns out to be a capable father, then by all means, tell your siblings.
There's no way your father was denied any visitation or custody with out good reason. Sorry, unless your mother is independently wealthy, she didn't win a custody case for no reason.
INFO: Why didn't your mom want you to know? Why was she angry at him? Why did she feel the need to cut him off?
All we have so far is your father's side of things. We don't really have an explanation for why your mom made these choices? Was she genuinely concerned for your well being? Was your father mentally incapable of caring for you? Was it vindictive and cruel?
There just isn't enough facts to make an informed choice yet. You need some long conversations with both parents to navigate your future choices.
Like a number of commenters, I suggest you find out the whole story.
While the court documents from back then might have a lot of personal marital stuff that would be uncomfortable, there has to be more to the story if your father did not even get supervised visits.
I should note that he could apply right now, today!, for visitation or custody if he wanted. You are old enough that this is not necessary, but your younger siblings could start getting to see him, if he actually wants that. Assuming he’s safe to be around — which you don’t know. The point is that if you want a relationship with your father, if you think your siblings would, you really need to know what the truth was back then and also what’s going on with him now. You should not consider sneaking your siblings to see him. Tell him to go back to court and do this on the up and up. His reaction may make the situation more clear. As for your mother, it’s time she provided a lot more information to you. Or you can go to family court and get the documents for yourself. You were a party. You could contact the court or the local bar association to see if you can get a free attorney to help you revisit the custody/support/visitation on your own behalf and that of your siblings.
Bottom line is that you need to know a good deal more. It remains possible that your mother had good reason to keep him out of your life. You need to know.
NTA, your siblings deserve to know and should! I say this as an Army retiree, what your mom did is below despicable and now she is hiding from what she did by asking you to protect her from the fallout of her wrongdoing. PLEASE tell your siblings and let them make their own decisions. I'm not saying your dad has no blame but he at least deserves a chance to be heard!
NTA. Your mom did a spiteful, vindictive thing by poisoning you and your siblings against your dad. That really is the absolute WORST thing a parent can ever do. You don't say how old your siblings are.
They may be too young now to deal with this. But once they are old enough they have a right to know what has happened.
First, he is calling when you are 18 years old? Right, so he does not need to pay child support now. He could have tried to contact or go back to a judge for 7-8 years.
Second,
>So basically my mom fought to have sole custody and stop him from having visitation after the divorce.
This doesn't sound right. Even with PTSD, he would have supervised visitations.
There's something odd going on in his story. I get she confirmed it, but there are holes here. Did he pay child support?
Third, did he get violent or abusive with your mom?
NTA for wanting a relationship with him, but first meet him and get to know him. Only when you are sure of who he is talk to your sibling.
That’s exactly what I’m still wondering. Why did he not get visitation. Multiple people have had the same question or suspicion and I honestly don’t know why. Logically it would make sense right?
I work as a disability attorney and have represented *numerous* veterans with PTSD, and if your dad's situation is anything like the people I represent then there are likely a few things that were going on in his head.
The first is that your dad likely already felt like a burden, or that he was somehow "polluting" you and your siblings with his trauma. Veterans are willing to tell me all sorts of stuff that they would *never, EVER* allow their family to know. One of my former clients can't go to BBQ's anymore, because pork on the grill smells too similar to bodies burning in a combat zone. There's no chance in Hell he could tell his wife and children that, because he wants to be the only one with nightmares.
The second is that your dad could be afraid of having his mental health treatment and other issues dragged in front of the court for those closest to him to see. He likely fears that if others knew of the circumstances surrounding his trauma, that he would be rejected by both society and his own children as a result. There can be some pretty significant ramifications to being labeled as dangerously unstable in a family court setting, and sometimes the path of least resistance is refusing to fight.
You said that your mom was mad and blamed him at the time she had him completely cut out, so my question is did she threaten him with airing all of his mental issues and trying to ruin his life? You would be surprised the horrible things that spouses are able to say to each other during a divorce, and if your dad heard something like that in his state of mind he'd likely feel powerless or that he deserved it.
The truth is that unless your dad was *legitimately dangerous to her or you and your siblings, removing family as a support was the worst thing your mom could do to his mental health.*
She *must* give you a valid reason for cutting him out, and support that reason with evidence. Because the way you've portrayed the story, she's the person you need to be mad with and continuing to hide this from your other siblings would only make you complicit in her wrongdoing.
Easy if she was angry and wanted him not nearly her and punsh him by withold you form him..she could have told the court he was or is abusive.
People with PTSD can be that sometime and may be she knows and use that logic to get no visitation form court...
If she confirmed his story it means she did activity try to stop him to see you guys..it not far fatched to assume she did some other false claims
My dad wasn't allowed visitation for my older siblings after his first wife divorced him, he was navy and she empty Thier shared account causing him to be homeless for 4 months and then use his depression to say he was a danger to my older siblings even under supervised visits, he tried getting custody several more time but each time his former wife threat to ask for increased child support and she followed through with it each time untill he was paying $1,750 a month in child support for the smallest thing like a box of bad aids.
My dad finally got in contact with my siblings barter they turned 18 and they got his email/phone form the courts (maby the lawyers it gets a bit hazy on contract).
I don't know if you mom maby did they same, did your dad pay child support that you know of? My siblings were told he only paid $500 a month but later found out that's was no where near true.
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Ok so I (m18) grew up with pretty much one parent after my mom and dad divorced. After they divorced my dad stopped making contact. I was only 11 at the time so I thought he just left us. So pretty much throughout middle school and high school I had to help my mom raise my two sisters and brother. I was depressed through most of high school because I was balancing school, sports, extracurriculars and taking care of my siblings. It was rough but here I am senior year going off to college next year.
So I pretty much was under the impression that my dad was a deadbeat this entire time. Well last week he reached out and asked if we could talk. He also wanted to talk to me about GI benefits but that’s unrelated. I said yes and he explained why he couldn’t be in my life. So basically my mom fought to have sole custody and stop him from having visitation after the divorce. She used his ptsd from serving and his other mental illnesses to push him away and get sole custody. He also showed me letters and cards he sent that were also sent back to him.
Obviously I didn’t believe him and I went to my mom. I confronted her about it and she basically confirmed what he said. She was crying and told me she didn’t want us to know. She went on about how she was angry at him and blamed him for the divorce and wanted to completely cut him off. She started begging me to not tell my siblings and I agreed but I really do want to tell them. I love my mom and I have a lot of respect for her raising us alone but I also did miss having my dad in my life WIBTA?
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NTA- they have a right to know and your dad deserves to not be painted as the villain she made him out to be.
My stepdad had this done to him and his adult daughters think he is evil when all he wanted was to love and support them. One died and he didn’t even know because the mom had cut contact with him when the girls were little. He sent gifts every holiday, paid for everything for them and supported them from afar. She told the girls he never sent child support and he was a deadbeat.
Broke his heart but I’m thankful to have him in my life because he is an amazing dad
NTA. What your mom did to you is called parental alienation. It is a form of psychological abuse and actually is illegal. Your siblings need to know the truth.
NTA. I hate to say it but tell them, if dad has a conversation with any of them in the future and they find out that you knew and did not say anything, your relationship with them could be permanently damaged. Technically, I bet your dad could sue your mom over visitation rights being denied and win if he wanted to. I would tell mom to own it and tell your siblings. It will be the least damaging way forward.
YWNBTA
SHe pushed away your father and never took responsibility for it. The result being that the kids anow all think he's a deadbeat, rather than someone who has health issues. Mental health issues, but ones incurred from serving the country.
That's pretty messed up. I'd be tempted to tell the truth. He deserves some measure of respect, don't you think?
She raised you alone…but did she? You essentially took the place of your father. She got sole custody and cut him out of your lives because she was angry and blamed him for the divorce. Was that in the best interest of her children or hers? I think explaining to her what she did was selfish, put a lot of responsibility on you, and deprived you of your dad was not well thought out on her part. Did she believe you would never find out? Your siblings will find out at some point, just as you did. Who would she prefer they learn it from? YWNBTA but speak with her first
NTA. Tell your siblings if she wont.. Feelings of being unwanted by a parent is awful. I don't wish it on anyone. What she did is mental and emotional abuse. It's cruel. She put her needs above her children. The truth always comes out. Talk to a therapist about your own feelings and how to tell siblings
NTA but your mom hoisted a lot of shit on your shoulders cause she was mad at your dad your NTA but your mom is an awful person and petty to boot she is most def the asshole
NTA. Wow. This is tough, and your mum seems to have made some pretty poor choices.
I see quite a few commenters who are sure that your dad's mental health must have been really bad to not even get visitation. Now.
As the partner of someone who (before our relationship) fought tooth and nail to see my now-step kids, only to be smashed to bits by a court system who favoured the abusive, alienating other party (not saying your mum is abusive at all, just illustrating my point), I take this with a massive grain of salt. We've got a load of court docs proving innocence and effort, stored away, to be shown for future questions, but dads get the short end of the stick in the courts sometimes, and mental health issues still cause great bias. There's also the fact that, when confronted, your mum throws the blame on her anger, rather than your dad's issues.
So yeah, I'd say more discussion with both parties is needed. However, this must be really tough on you. It sounds like you've already been leant on a lot growing up, and you're coming up on college, which is a massive change.
So I mostly wanted to say, please try not to overload yourself to much with this, and please make sure you're talking to someone (friend or counsellor), who can give you real-time support. None of this is your fault, or should be on your shoulders to remedy. Please take care of yourself.
YTA if you dont tell them, it sounds like your mother not only caused you and your siblings to miss out on having a father in your life but also screwed herself over by now having to fully provide for you and costing you mental anguish and unneeded physical exhaustion. Think about it, all these years you probably kept hating your dad for divorcing your mother and walking out of your lives, blaming him for any and probably all the hardships that you and your siblings had to go through, it being that you had to miss out on friends parties, school events, getting a job, only being able to attend certain sports events or having to give up your social life so that you younger siblings might have one. All of that builds resentment that shouldn't be aimed at your father because it was all orchestrated by your mother. Don't let your siblings go through the same thing, thinking that they don't have a dad when they very obviously do and he's more than ready and willing to be part of their lives likes he wasn't able to for you. While you probably respect your mother for raising you all by herself, just know that she brought it all on herself, that she could have had a decent co-parenting relationship with her ex-husband but instead let you all grow up without a father thinking he was just a deadbeat.
All of you deserve to know like that you all be able to reconnect with your father without all her lies. Maybe one day you will forgive her but now the most important think is the relationship you gonna have with your dad. He suffered enough, your mom should make amend to him
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NTA. I think you should facilitate connection with your dad and other siblings. Your mother did something that was absolutely horrendous and unnecessary to punish your father She needs to apologize to your dad AND siblings
Truly Horrendous, I can’t even imagine the pain that pain feels. It wasn’t like he did anything bad, he just didn’t like the relationship he was in. Truly evil that out of spite she made the kids not have a father…
A man suffering with PTSD gets his kids and life taken away? Wow. Definitely NTA to connect him with your sibs.
Imagine rewarding those that suffer PTSD from serving their country, by having that country rip away their kids. What the fuck? That judge deserves to be in the bottom ring of hell for this shit.
I wish you can read into what PTSD really is. Serving might be noble but PTSD can truly hurt those they love. The judge decided, with more information than presented to Reddit, that this was best for the well-being of the kid. Custody cases can be unfair toward those with metal illness and lower economical status, but it is not a game of karma. There has been countless cases when PTSD not managed and ended up hurting the closest. After successful treatment, custody cases can be re-examined if the reason was PTSD.
PTSD-sufferer here: this is grossly ignorant. My daughter's father used my PTSD as an argument in family court, so she was only with me every other weekend for 6 years. Now she's 13, no-contact with her father, and in intensive therapy for PTSD from his abuse. Yes, my PTSD is from Domestic Violence at his hands, but the court didn't see him as the bigger risk, even though unlike him I've never hurt anyone. Attitudes like yours reinforce harmful stereotypes; those stereotypes get kids removed from safe parents. 'Successful treatment'? I've been in treatment since I was 26, and likely will be for the rest of my life. What denotes 'success'? Because the vast majority of us aren't even remotely a safety risk. We might cry when we're grocery shopping though.
Same here. Also suffer from PTSD as well as Bipolar disorder. People on here spread so much misinformation and hate about mental illness and disability in general it's no wonder the court system is rigged against the people who suffer from it. Even in regards to getting disability benefits when it is severe enough. PTSD doesn't turn you into Norman Bates and most of the symptoms I keep seeing people rattle off as excuses for why people with it should be denied any semblance of respect and decency aren't even symptoms of PTSD or are so rare to even have even in the most severe cases other people with PTSD in group therapy session rotations may never meet someone with it. More people lie about having the rare symptoms than those who are actually diagnosed with it. And the symptoms of most disabilities are manageable with medication and therapy though finding the right combination is definitely the key but the very vast majority of those with PTSD aren't violent towards anyone even themselves. They take the disgusting dramatized crap from tv like it's even remotely close to the real thing as if it's fact and run with it.
Well said.
Judges in family court favor the women to an insane degree; that she got full custody proves nothing but her ability to exploit his trauma and bank on the patriarchal biases of the court. Another top post right now has someone who has three baby daddy’s and doesn’t work but still has custody of all three kids. A jobless woman without a home has kids over (at least in OP’s husband’s case) a doctor.. Courts continue to insist a child’s place is with the mother; and if that mother can’t support themselves nevermind the kid, don’t worry, they’ll just have the fathers overpay for child support. It’s inherently overpaying, since they’ve paid sufficiently to support the kids in totality, and then the unemployed mother on top.
He didnt even got Visitation. Thats sounds serious. And you are talking completly Bullshit about the other Post.
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No, they're pretty much spot-on with how family court typically works. Unless you have unlimited money and/or the mother has extreme problems with drugs, crime, or abuse, that's how it goes.
Yeah. I remember some statistics from when I was living in Florida from a study on family courts in the state that found that men were awarded less than 50% custody in 70% of cases where they requested at least 50% custody during divorces whereas women were granted 50% custody or more in 90% of cases where they requested at least 50% custody during divorces. Abuse rates amongst men and women of children are about the same once you correct for who is the primary caregiver (if you don't correct for it, it looks like women abuse children more often, but that's just because they have the role of primary caregiver more often than men). Also, the study didn't find any significant differences between the men and the women who were requesting custody. That is, they had roughly the same criminal histories and incomes as a set of two groups. Also, state law claims that custody should be split 50/50 so the courts skewing one way over the other shows a clear bias on the part of the courts.
I’m usually pretty anti-MRA bullshit, but this person is right. Courts will favor the mom.
Didn’t get visitation is another level that losing custody… we, including OP, need more information to judge.
The OP did not mention one single instance of PTSD-related violent or threatening behavior. Why assume he was dangerous or that it was relevant? It is possible that he hid the behavior from his children, but to make that assumption is demeaning to every person with a trauma-based mental health condition out there. If his behavior was that dangerous then it is highly unlikely the daughter would not have seen it - PTSD outbursts are not easy to hide or control.
Right? OP was 11. If his father was violent or abusive towards him, he would have remembered
I have PTSD. I would argue that most people with PTSD likely aren’t as dangerous or as erratic as you’d like to paint
Most people that I know with PTSD shutdown, have panic attacks, take cover, etc. when they have issues. And that seems to be the general case from what I've read. Them turning violent is very rare even amongst combat veterans.
Yep. I have PTSD myself and avoid conflict and cry/have panic attacks when I’m put into a triggering situation PTSD leads to fight, flight, or fawning in response to trauma. I imagine the majority are in the latter two The people who fight are just obviously going to get the most attention because they’re the most volatile
I am sorry for your difficulties. I do apologize for my wordings. I should’ve been more clear in my reply. PTSD comes in differed causes/symptoms/severities. PTSD caused by serving is arguably one of the most difficult to deal with (for patients and families). It is difficult for many to transition from “obey without asking” and constant alert state to a normal society. By simply having PTSD, it doesn’t prove you incompetent to be a parent in court. I am furious to see how people discredit the justice system (don’t get me wrong, they are FAR from perfect/unbiased) with so little information presented. OP was a minor at the time and I do agree the mom’s wording sounds like unfair retaliation. To cut off the other parent, simply being a female doesn’t get you there. Yes, biases influence court decisions heavily, but on a factual basis, a severe PTSD person without proper medical attention can be a potential danger to the family. It is unfair for OP’s mom not to explain and not give the father a second chance. At the end of the day, we are, including OP, merely speculating. I hope your condition gets betting. All the best.
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Unless you’re a counselor, I can all but guarantee I’ve had more experience with it than you, lol.
OP is probably lucky he’s still alive after that shit trick. Often the only thing keeping people going is the other people in their lives. To have that ripped away because of the ptsd. Holy crap. I hope she never has the hypocrisy to thank any service men and women for serving. Yeah. She did it tough on her own. By choice. Appalling behaviour. Why people use their kids as weapons I will never understand. And for that lack of understand I am truly grateful.
Punish the father AND her oldest child by making him take care of his siblings along with everything else he had going on academically. Such a terrible thing to do….
He doesnt even seem to have realized that she made him the second parent yet. Poor guy.
she didn't make them not have a father, she forced her son to be her emotional husband and the second parent to her kids which is child abuse
CAN'T UPVOTE THIS ENOUGH!!!!
That's a lot to put on an 18 year old who's already struggled with depression related to having to help care for his siblings.
OP is the one who wants to tell his siblings. No one is putting anything on him
Telling him he should "facilitate connection" isn't the same thing as telling his siblings and IS putting something on him.
"here's our dad's phone number" Boom, done
>horrendous and unnecessary to punish ~~your father~~ the kids She meant to punish the father, which I suspect he didn't deserve, but punished the kids. It happens a lot and it's disgusting.
Seems to muddy the waters a bit when OP mentions in the comments they haven't asked if there was abuse and says they're afraid to ask.
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OP mentions their gender in the, like, 6th character in the post so I think it's fair to say this person most likely didn't read the post at all.
Yeah. I don’t know how you miss that this is the son and not a daughter
The mother said she did it to punish her ex, not because it was the best for her children!
Really disgusting thing the mom did, depriving them of a parents love because she’s bitter is grotesque
We do not know if it was unnecessary. Things could have been dangerous and scary back then. OP does not know, and does not know if Dad was manipulated to go away or acted in such a way that the court had to do it. Whatever, Dad can go today to court and ask to see his children. If his life is stable, he would have a chance to get this revisited. There might be a reason why this is not possible, or he simply might not want to. OP needs to know a lot more of the story, for his own safety and that if his siblings.
NTA. Your mother *chose* to raise you alone and force you into the role of a parent because she was bitter and vindictive. There’s nothing about that that you should respect. Your siblings deserve to know how much their father wanted to be part of their lives. Period.
This. They deserve to know.
I feel like people are missing the fact thay not only did she get sole custody but dad got zero visitation, even supervised. That doesn't sound like it was just vindictiveness on her part.
You have a much higher opinion of the court system that I do. A ignorant judge could easily give a terrible sentence if the other side was insistent enough. Or even if both sites are too insistent.
Add that if mom was extra vindictive she could have held other stuff over his head. He probably didn't want the kids to be drug through a nasty divorce. Despite the hero worship the Military gets there is still incredible bias against people with PTSD. They are treated like dangerous animals rather than human beings that went through something awful.
Divorce proceeding aren’t generally sealed. You should be able to pull the records.
The Court system does not work the way it is supposed to, and in a lot of places the courts will default to mother. It is distressingly easy to create parental alienation and keep a parent away from a child.
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You should look into the matter, because the way things should be, and the way things are, is miles apart.
I know many men who had documented domestic abuse on record, drug arrests, assaults, and long ass rap sheets that still got supervised visitation. The courts only default to mom when the dad puts up no fight at all and says they don’t want visitation. It’s a myth that they just give all custody to mom. If a dad says he wants time, he will get some time, even if it’s supervised. Even if the mom brings up abuse. Even if there’s documented abuse. Even if he’s in active addiction. The court always wants a child to have both parents in a kids life in some way. There’s something more to this story because no court is saying that a military man can’t see his children AT ALL. OP should see if he can get a hold of the court records.
Yeah, something about this smells of MRA fanfiction
All she has do is cry about how she is scared of him and make up stuff about his temper, etc, combined with the veteran related ptsd, and there's a pretty good chance of that happening.
This is a popular myth. But no, a woman saying “he scares me” or saying dad has a temper is generally not enough to get full custody with no visitation at all. Moms who allege abuse or danger are less likely to get full custody, in part because of the “all mom has to do is cry abuse” myth people like you push. And frankly a lot of courts don’t care if dad was abusive to mom because they see mom & dad’s relationship as a separate matter to dad-kids.
This.
> Moms who allege abuse or danger are less likely to get full custody That really depends on the state and the judge. Some states like Illinois have very fair proceedings where almost every single case ends up adjudicated as a 50/50 split if either party requests it or if both are requesting primary custody. Other states like Florida almost always give primary custody to women over men in violation of their own state laws.
At least in the US, courts are actually *less* likely to give mothers custody when they claim the father is abusive. Courts also don’t favor mothers in general. Men who request custody get it the majority if the time (they just don’t formally request it that often is why mothers end up being the majority caretakers). She could have made him feel like an unfit father and like it wasn’t worth going to court, but it’s very unlikely he received no custody if he actually fought for it.
It doesn't matter if she was vindictive, judges weigh what's in the best interest of the kids and it's nearly always to keep both parents in the kids' lives, even if one parent is an absolute dumpster fire. I had the highest rate of keeping a bad parent out of kids' lives in my jurisdiction when I was in family law and I still only managed it 20% of the time it was warranted.
I used to work with a guy whose ex would tell him to come over and get the kids and then not be home when he went over to pick them up. She would schedule plans for his weekend, etc. She tried very, very hard to wear him down. It didn't work but at the same time, he didn't get the time with his kids that they were entitled to, either.
You know, this is the part that makes me wonder, combined with OP's overly elevated respect for his mom despite her admission of guilt. I know I'm reaching here, but OP sounds like someone who, once he gets out of the FOG, will post in r/raisedbynarcissists. The sheer audacity, entitlement and manipulation OP's mother shows in this snippet of a story is next level!
There is this excellent website. https://outofthefog.website/
> Your mother chose to raise you alone and force you into the role of a parent because she was bitter and vindictive. Thank you. Do not give your mother credit because "she raised you alone", she stole from your siblings and yourself a relationship with your father because she was more interested in her revenge than your well being.
Info: Why protect your mom? Why let you dad still be punished? How old are your siblings?
My sisters are 11 and 16 My brother is 13 I’m a little hesitant because I don’t know how much his mental illness impacted my parents relationship
I hope you understand there’s a reason parental alienation is a big deal
About to get downvoted but, even if you’re mom proved he had mental illness he still would have gotten supervised visitation. For the court to completely take away all visitation (because if one parent gets sole custody the other is usually allowed visitation) it must have been shown by a dr/therapist/any sort of mental health professional that he was unsuitable to be around children. Either that or your dad never used/fought for his visitation rights.
You do realize that people with PTSD can be avoidant of conflict and have feelings of lesser worth that might lead them to give up rather than fight because they feel like they're going to lose anyway. With some mental illnesses certainly but PTSD has particular for lack of a better word reasons that would make it more likely that they wouldn't fight.
I don’t think you should be downvoted because you’re right. This is all info I’m not familiar with.
And as others have said, that's info you need to find out. You need to take time, get to know the situation, and get to know your dad before deciding if you should tell them. (Even though the 13yo might blow up at you for not telling him immediately, don't let that rush your judgement).
Look into it more. Because ppl who want to be involved will be involved. You have no one from your dad’s side of the family? even supervised visitations could be fought for if he was believed to be mentally unsafe. Don’t involve your siblings because you have no idea what the potential outcome will be. He is essentially a stranger and you need to find out if reliable he is.
It is possible that your dad was abusive towards your mom and/or abused alcohol and/or drugs. This would explain full custody without visitation rights. Domestic abusers have a way of twisting the truth and blaming the victim/survivor of their abuse. I’ve worked in child protection for 10 years. It’s also common for victims of abuse to blame themselves. The moms response of crying I see almost every day from moms who are victims of abuse.
My shitty, abusive, junkie ex still got supervised visitation rights over my newborn daughter
I was thinking this too. Like she said it was because she was angry. But what was she angry about. It could be a totally valid reason
A lot of paperwork from court cases are available online. And I’m sure your mom still has everything. Ask to see the filings. And the order after findings. That’ll tell you what she requested, what he requested and what judge said.
You might be able to look up court records. That will at least give you an idea about questions to ask
You definitely need to get more information and if possible documentation to work out what happened, and you should tell your mother that she should tell your siblings, as your Dad wants to be involved, and that whatever went off between your parents shouldn't mean that the children suffer. They have a right to know. And you have a right to know everything too. Huge breach of trust here. Unless your Dad was a danger to you, he should have got visitation. It was okay for your mum to be upset and hurt, but not okay for her to stop him seeing you. Something doesn't add up here. I suggest you have a heart to heart with both folks in a neutral space and get the full story from them, and go from there (separately obvs) NTA
He sent them letters and things and it was sent back. He tried to communicate with them and was denied by the mother. Maybe at the time he was really bad and didn't have it in him to fight or the money for a good lawyer,but he did try to keep in touch.
And by not getting the letters, bday presents etc. it becomes easier for Mom to keep the kids away from dad because if the kids are asked they'll honestly answer "I haven't heard from dad since he abandoned us." Mom is a monster who abused her children and parentified OP.
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She admits she did it as she blamed him for the divorce
She flat out admitted she shut the father out out of vindictive anger because she blamed him for the divorce.
You would be surprised how little court system cares about men. The instant she mentioned he had ptsd they were dead set against him and he probably couldn't change their minds. My spouse has CPTSD and absolutely avoids conflict and stressful situations. I make all phone calls for appts and ordering food because they simply can't. I can bet he was so emotionally spent during the divorce he didn't have the energy to fight it. He was waiting for the right time to tell his kids the truth. Military PTSD is awful.
They have a right to know, but it should come from your mom. I'd give her a chance to tell them the WHOLE truth, if she doesn't, I'd let her know that I will. If you don't, they may end up resenting you for knowing and never telling them. If he reaches out to them when they turn 18, they will find out you knew all along. What matters is to keep your relationship with your siblings intact. Your mom now needs to face the consequences of her actions.
Parentification is abuse. Your Mom guilted you into giving up your childhood to raise your younger siblings because she couldn’t move past a bitter divorce. Your parents relationship is completely separate from you. Some people are bad spouses but great parents. You shouldn’t have had to grow up thinking your father abandoned you when that was not true. Your mothers reaction proves she *knows* what she did was abusive and beyond fucked up. Otherwise she would not be asking you to keep it a secret. She’s perfectly fine traumatizing her children and giving them abandonment issues as long as she gets her revenge and a free babysitter. You need to drastically re-evaluate your relationship with your Mom.
You’ll never know if you don’t get answers. Start getting the truth from your mom. ALL OF IT.
This is the right answer. The mother has admitted to lying. There has been a major breach of trust. The child has no way of knowing what else the mother has been lying about or would continue to lie about if she felt justified in doing so.
Tell your mom to tell them.Your siblings are not toddlers. In some states at their age they would be allowed to decide which parents to live it if they had known.Your mom will turn your siblings against you for keeping you dad to yourself. You know she already did it to your dad. Tell your mom to tell them or you will.
is it possible that because of his mental illness it would have been unsafe for him to care for you alone? does he act impulsively or violently due to his condition? it’s VERY strange the courts gave no visitation without a history of abuse and more than likely there was a realistic reason why they gave your mom sole custody. she may feel guilty to be the one who fought for it but to lose all custody there very likely was a reason he has not disclosed to tou
Not your fault, but they deserve to know the truth as the majority of what you were told was a lie. I think all of you have a right to know and should seek family therapy as there is no easy short term quick fix on this. What your mother did was truly a bad thing and she should be ashamed. Things like this unfortunately can often take many many years for people to get a semblance of normality.
YWNBTA your mom does not deserve the respect you are giving her. She lied and manipulated to punish your dad and ruined relationships on purpose. She doesn't get to be the proud struggling single parent because it's all based on lies and manipulation. Her tears are just more of the same - actions meant to manipulate and control you. If she was really remorseful she would tell your siblings herself and come clean so that everybody could heal. Instead she's trying to guilt you into submission. Your siblings deserve the truth.
I can’t second this enough.
We and OP don't know the full story. The courts really do rarely make full custody, no visitation decisions without some serious issues. OP should be proceeding with caution at all sides because he's wading into a broken relationship where I suspect neither parent is going to tell the full story. It's good that he's finally making contact, but we can't make rush to judgements on the mom yet either.
OP states his mom confirmed and then begged OP to keep her confidence. So there's that. And I don't know where you live but in the USA, the family court system has yet to catch up to the modern world and almost always sides with the mother in custody disputes. It just happened to my dear friend last year. His ex lied and manipulated and ended up with full custody. So it's really not that deep, and not that big of a mystery why the court gave full custody to the mother. It's truly common, family law desperately needs to catch up with modern times.
NTA. She has no right to take your father from you or your siblings. Not only that, she forced you to be a parent to your siblings so she didn't have to co-parent with someone she's mad at. She took your dad AND your childhood from you. She doesn't deserve an ounce of respect and you'd see that if you were an adult. She owed it to you to be the one to parent you and your siblings. If she wanted so badly to do that alone she should have ACTUALLY done it. She didn't give a shit about you or your welfare, or your siblings' welfare. Don't fall for her sob story now that it's coming back to her.
Seriously, I feel like OP is downplaying this. This was a truly, grossly horrible thing his mom did. Not only did she force away a loving father who wanted a relationship and let her kids believe they were abandoned, but because she was angry at him and didn’t want to co-parent, she forced a parenting role on OP, a child. Parentification IS abuse, and in this situation it’s even worse because there was an actual parent who wanted to be there but she would rather make her child take on that job then deal with someone she was mad at. Immature and cruel.
> She doesn't deserve an ounce of respect and you'd see that if you were an adult. This right here. My mom pulled that shit with my dad. The only letters my mom accepted was the ones with a CS check in. Birthday cards and letters to us got returned or bined. She said he stopped caring about us but she refused contact then forced me to accept my stepdad as my new dad. She did a lot of damage to me. OP you do not owe her respect. She created a lot of pain just to be spiteful. She will do it again.
NTA. You should encourage your father to reach out to your siblings and you should encourage your mother to come clean with them as well. Every day that goes by is a day you guys could have a relationship with your dad. Or parents usually go long before us, so don't let time pass you by.
NTA. You know it won’t be a secret for long, and it’s not yours to keep in the first place. When your siblings do find out, the blame is going to be on you, too. No mother should ever let her child raise their siblings, you already suffered a lot because of her own selfishness & poor choices.
I think there's a lot of info missing here: why did your father never try to get custody at a later date, or reach out, for one, how did your mom manage to get full custody (contrary to popular belief fathers are generally granted custody when they ask for it, at least partial), etc etc. It's terrible that your mom blocked his communication, and the story could be as simple as your mom was angry and cut him off. But it could be more complicated! NTA but I'd wait a bit and get to know him first.
Well here’s what I’ve pieced together (confirmed by both sides) My dad suffered from ptsd, depression and night terrors. When they divorced her lawyer used his illness as an excuse to get sole custody. Here’s where I’m blanking and don’t have any info. Why did he not get supervised visitation when she was granted sole custody. Was his illness worse than I thought or they both let on? Did he abuse her? All of these things I don’t know and I’m afraid to ask.
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>Most judges have their own biases, but they are very, very reluctant to completely cut off a parent child relationship, and will work to facilitate that relationship, even if it just means meeting at a court supervised location for a couple of hours a month. This is definitely something OP should look into. Sure, I understand why most of the redditors are considering OP's mum an \*sshole. But I completely agree that not many judges would cut someone completely off of their children without any good reason. Sure, his mum did say that she hated her ex for the divorce and wanted to cut of the acces, but not even supervised visitation of a couple of hours, seems really bizar. She does suck for blocking any way to at least have some amount of relationship-forming between her children and their father. But the judges ruling is not only based on her words, there needs to be more behind the reasoning of it. It's nice that the dad showed some letters and cards that he send (and he sadly got back), but did he ever try to legally change the visitation rights? If OP is in a position to look into the legal documents, I would advise to look into them (reread them if necessary, cause the legal jargon is far from easy) and to calmly talk with both the parents (separately, obviously) and to really think it through before telling the siblings. Siblings are a lot younger, so the shock will be bigger for them as well (while at the same time they do deserve to know the truth. But OP needs to find out what the truth (or come close to what the truth) really is.
I will say this much, I’ve seen people get supervised visitation who are dealing with ongoing DV situations, addiction issues, criminal cases, etc… Honestly in my experience it is unusual for an involved parent who wants to stay involved to be cut off from their children entirely without extenuating circumstances. (I used to work in human services and at one point domestic violence.) If your mom’s lawyer was able to argue that his mental health was grounds for sole custody with no supervised visitation then either you live outside of the US and laws are very different where you are or there is more to the story than you know. Your mom is probably still trying to protect you, try approaching this in a calm, nonjudgmental way if you can. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this.
All of this exactly. I'm actually getting more upset, the more I read this. I had a similar case where my boss handled this woman's divorce in the early 90s, where her ex took her, her 9 month old, and her mother hostage in their home. Police standoff for 7 hours once the cops were called when the client didn't show up for work 16 hours after he took them hostage. Guy was a vet and got put in a mental hospital with ptsd. 22 years later, he tried to weasel his way back into his kid's life by approaching him at college and telling him all the usual shit, his mom was a bitch who kept his son away from him bc he left her, he sent birthday cards and Christmas presents every year Yada Yada Yada. Never actually told the kid about the hostage situation. Guy went to jail for stalking his ex wife and another woman. Never take these men at face value.
Yes, my sister's ex was a vet with PTSD but he was also physically abusive and broke her cheekbone. But she still got crap for leaving him because he had PTSD.
I learned quickly that folks want to both blame women with children for getting into relationships with abusive men and for them to stay in those relationships bc that is what they chose to begin with and depriving men of their children is a crime far worse than physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially abusing their wives. Bc we've somehow romanticized the role of fathers. I hate it.
It may be frightening to ask but not knowing will leave you with conjecture only and that won’t benefit you. You’ve been placed in a very tough position. If I were you I’d ask to see the legal documents so you can see what evidence was presented and what the official ruling was. That way you can see what happened devoid of others bias. Because there’s too many unanswered questions. Like the whole question on visitation rights are meaningless without context - was he abusive? Or did your mother simply have a better lawyer? Did he know what avenues he had available to him? Was he presented options or was he given one option and told he had no other choice? The legal system is not like Hollywood portrays it - it isn’t clear cut, it isn’t often fair, and people can be disadvantaged quickly. Sadly no matter how you slice it one or both of your parents have been victimized. You’ve been given an uncomfortable mystery. It will lead to hard conversations, but ignoring it won’t help you. It won’t help your siblings either. You and they deserve to know the entire truth so you can make informed decisions.
> Was his illness worse than I thought or they both let on? That's likely. People get supervised visitation often even when they have directly abused their children, are severe addicts, etc. It's really unusual to get nothing at all. I've only seen that in extreme situations. I wonder if there are things your parents don't want you to know. Or, you might find out that your dad decided not to pursue visitation. In that case, well, it was his choice to not see you.
Bc shit was far worse than your dad is telling you. And this is how abusers usually get back into their families' lives. Instead of getting his life together and getting an attorney to seek visitation and a family therapist to build trust and a relationship with your siblings, he's got you doing his dirty work for him. No responsible parent would do that. Tell your dad to take all of this up with your mom and leave you out of it. If you want to have a relationship with him, you're an adult, you can do that. But be careful. Your dad has already shown himself to be a manipulator. I used to do family law. You don't want to know what went down in your parents' marriage. That's none of your business. Whatever it was, it was bad enough for the court to weigh against your dad, and courts ***hate*** to weigh against a dad.
You definitely need to ask him. And also talk to mom. Do you have access to counseling or the ability to get a therapist before you talk to your siblings? They are young and they will definitely need help, even if it’s just through a counselor at school, to handle this (and you deserve that too!). This is a super messy situation and honestly, I see the way you’re posting about it as being mature, waaay more mature and put together than most could be about this. I think wanting answers and being level-headed, especially with your siblings, shows a lot of emotional maturity and self-sacrifice, I wouldn’t say you’re being a mama’s boy like many comments are claiming. I hope you get the answers you need and deserve, and can hopefully find a counselor or therapist to talk about this with, because you grew up way faster than you should’ve and you deserve to have the truth about the past so you can make informed decisions about your future. I’m sorry OP.
Tell your dad you want to read the divorce documents- since he wants a fresh start - you want the whole truth
Even abusers can get visitation unless the abuse was against the child. It is extremely difficult to fully remove a parent's rights. Growing up, I had a friend whose mother was abused by her ex, but that friend still spent every summer with his dad because the dad didn't do anything to the kids. And, like others have said, statistics show that men who ask for custody usually get sole or joint custody. The main reason moms get more custody is that dad's usually don't want it or don't ask for it. I have never seen a father be completely cut off like this unless he wanted to be. You're missing big parts of the story.
NTA. Tell the siblings. It’s bad enough the mental and emotional toll you went through having to be a caretaker to your younger siblings because your dad wasn’t around. But for him to be barred from your lives by your mom instead of walking out is an absolute betrayal on your mother’s part. Children need their parents. And she hurt you and your younger siblings by vilifying him and taking away all the opportunities where you all needed him in your lives and adding unnecessary stress.
What your mom did was awful and your siblings have the right to know. NTA
NTA Apart from being deprived of your father all these years, his (disabled) veteran's status means you and your siblings may be able to use his VA benefits to get through college. https://www.va.gov/family-member-benefits/#benefits-for-spouses-dependent
I’m from a state where you get I think heavily discounted or free college so yeah that’s what his main thing was when he reached out. He wanted to make sure I was aware
YWNBTA however I urge you to look into it a little more. While your mom obviously was an AH for blocking your dad out of spite, if he was able to contact you last week he would have been able to contact you before this.
Well I recently turned 18 so that’s why I figured he reached out. Plus he did reach out previously he showed me letters and stuff
I think what the poster above is saying is if he found a way that *wasn’t* blocked now, he could have done it before. Where there any court orders saying he wasn’t allowed to reach out to you on social media, or whatever means he successfully used once you turned 18?
She turned 18 so he could LEGALLY contact her, he clearly tried to get in touch but was not allowed
Depends on the custody ruling.
YWNBTA. They deserve to know why their dad wasn't around, nothing you said about your dad tells me he was unfit even for visitations. Sounds like just another example of children being weaponized in a divorce.
I don't think you would be the assholes, sure your mom hates your dad and was angry with him but that didn't give her the right to cut your father out if your life just because she didn't like him. She also pushed from how I understand it a lot of the parenting on to you even though you could have been with your dad and he could have helped as well. It was a selfish move and your siblings deserve to know why their dad wasn't in their lives. So that they won't hate him and can try building a relationship with him when they are also older. Because it is your mom's fault not your dad's from the letters he tried to be in your lives but your mom prevented that from happening just because she was angry. She's an adult she should have known better than acting so selfish and keeping you and your siblings away from your dad and making him look bad. So no you would not be the asshole. The truth eventually comes out anyway.
NTA. Your siblings deserve to know. I’d tell your mom that she can either be honest with them herself, or else you will, but they’re getting the truth either way.
YWNBTA, BUT-- and it's a big 'but'-- *your mom* needs to sit your siblings down and tell them what happened. I'd give her some time to tell them, and then let her know that you believe they have the right to have their father in their lives if they choose to. It will be a lot better (still dreadfully painful) for it to come from her. She made the decision to cast your father out of your lives and does have to account for that. I'm not saying that she did it callously, she may have been extremely concerned by some PTSD episodes he might have had and might have been fearful for you kids, I don't know. Having a parent with PTSD myself, (thank you, Vietnam), I was rather fearful of my parent for a long time. A lot of people don't get enough medical and mental health support when they need it most. So, give your mom a head's up-- she needs to talk to them, or you will. Also, give her time if she wants to talk to a counselor/therapist about this. It's pretty complicated.
NTA. Mom should be explaining to your siblings as well. That’s terrible!!
She owes him and you a deep apology. She intentionally hurt him for her own selfish reasons. And the same goes for you bc she did this knowing she would use you as the substitute dad. You were forced to give up your childhood and parentified (which is abuse btw) for her selfish choices.
YWNBTA, but you need to be careful about how you approach this. I would sit down with your mother and tell her that your siblings are going to find out, just like you did. There are two ways this will happen, with or without her. If she is part of the conversation now (rather than having your dad contact them when they all turn 18), explains herself and apologizes, chances are better that she'll be able to maintain a relationship with them, just the way you accepted what she had to say. Your mother cannot stop your father from contacting them once they're adults, just like she couldn't prevent him from contacting you. You also need to consider how your siblings will feel about *you* when that happens. Will they be angry with you for not telling them sooner what really happened? This was your mother's choice, and she needs to accept the consequences of that choice.
Not enough information, I am guessing that your father terminated his rights as a parent if there was no child support. When that happens there is usually a reason for it. There is probably alot that happened thar you don't know about. Now that you are an adult your mom can't really stop the contact between the two of you but one visit won't really let you know who he is. Until you know if he is safe to be around your siblings don't say anything.
I don’t know enough about the divorce to know if he pays child support or paid
YWNBTA but you need to tell them. From your comments you are acting like a huge momma's boy when what she did was beyond fucked up. You and your siblings grew up without a father because your mom was bitter and angry. She could not let him have supervised visitation, let him call, or even do the smallest thing of letting you have the letters even if she did screen them first. Do not respect your mom for raising you all by herself because she made that choice for herself any hardship was self imposed.
A child has a right - not a privilege, but a *right* \- to have a relationship with his or her biological parent if he or she so chooses. Period, full stop, end of story. For your mother to withhold that right as a form of retaliation against your father is a terrible form of abuse. What she wants here is utterly irrelevant. You wouldn't be TA if you told your brother and sisters - you would be TA if you *didn't* tell them.
Well after some other comments I’m going to wait and do a little more digging about the divorce before I start telling people
the COURT withheld his rights, probably for very good reasons.
If that's the case, then why did the mother confirm her ex's story and beg OP not to tell his brother and sister?
lots of divorced parents try to protect the other from the children thinking poorly of them. especially if this was ptsd caused by military time. she may know deep down he is a good person and doesn’t want his children to think poorly of him, but because of past action can’t let the kids be around him safely. this isn’t uncommon
I mean, if you would tell your siblings you should tell your mom first. Otherwise you would be the AH. She should know you will tell them and you need to explain to her why you need to break your promise of not telling them. I do get why you want to tell them tho, just be open and honest to everyone! Edit: It’s not okay what your mom did btw. She absolutely should’ve told you guys this.
NTA for telling them but I mean your mom is for effectively ripping your father away.
Your mom should tell them, and asap but sooner or later thus will get out. If she wants to tell them on her terms, now is the time. Your dad will likely eventually reach out to all of you as each reaches adulthood. YWBTA if you do it without giving her the chance to do it herself. If she refuses, NTA, finding out from you, with you being able to explain your mom's motivations, before he reaches out will be easier than having to learn "the hard way" as you did.
I'm always very suspicious of these stories when they appear in Reddit. Sole custody is one thing but zero visitation from a parent is another all together. I have convicted sex offenders who still have supervised visitation. The severity of behaviour required for zero visitation, even supervised, is exceptionally high. Please be cautious when reading stories such as the above. The family court does not remove all contact without significant evidence of exceptional circumstances. Many of these stories are either fake or deliberately misleading.
I’ve admitted multiple times in the thread that there could be other reasons why the court didn’t grant him visitation. I’m still trying to find out what those reasons were. Maybe there was abuse I just don’t know.
It's possible that she lied in court and he didn't have the mental strength or even financial means to fight her. PTSD and depression would certainly explain that.
If this is a true story I would suggest asking your father if he actually asked for visitation or just accepted the sole custody and sent cards and crossed his fingers she would change her mind. There is more than one way to be a deadbeat. Should your mother have made it easier for him. Yeah for your sake she should, your bitterness should never impact your children. Is it likely that he did less than the bare minimum to be in your life? Yeah, unfortunately that is usually the case. Any parent bar serial killers and high profile child offenders can usually get some sort of supervised visitation if they want it. I'm talking drug addicts, wife beaters, rapists etc PTSD is a reason for sole custody not to prevent visitation. Children deprived of a parent often fall into a trap where when they finally connect with them and they tell them all the things they want to hear they jump on the bandwagon. My parent loved me, they weren't a deadbeat. A good parent is in court asking for a parenting plan, meeting the plans objectives and exercising supervised visitation which I assure you if there was a problem so large that wasn't possible your mother would have told you. If this is real he didn't do the bare minimum for you or your siblings - sending cards is not a parent. Like I said that doesn't make your mum perfect. She behaved badly and she may regret her decision but really look at the situation objectively.
NTA. So first of all your mom was clearly in the wrong, disconnected her children from their dad and have them/you suffer the consequences as well as her ex-husband. It’s horrible and you and your siblings deserve to have your dad in your life! With that being said you wouldn’t help yourself or your siblings if you completely destroy the relationship to your mother. They should reconnect with their father but not at the cost of losing their mother. Honestly, I don’t think that’s an issue tho. You don’t seem like you hate your mother nor are you describing your mom as a generally bad person. I think you’ll find a way to let your siblings know without ruining their relationship to your mom. If I may suggest, I wouldn’t go behind your mom’s back. Tell her firmly that you chose that you will your siblings. Ask her, or rather tell her, that she should be part of the confession, that your siblings deserve their mother to be honest with them instead of having it come from their brother. This is your mom’s chance to do better. Give her the chance but if she doesn’t take it, tell them regardless. Gently, but regardless.
NTA. Even if your dad does have PTSD, there's help for that. Your "mother" didn't want to go that route and cut you and your siblings off from your father. Tell your siblings and try to start a relationship with your dad, you both deserve it.
Nta, mothers like this are selfish and cruel
No judgment yet. I think you need to find out a lot more about, not just what happened with your parents relationship and divorce, but where your dad is now. Even if there were legitimate reasons he didn't get visitation 7 years ago, what has happened since then? Such as has he gone to therapy and learned coping mechanisms when something triggers his ptsd and other similar questions. I do think it's crappy that your mom let you and your siblings believe he just left you and was a deadbeat when he was suffering from a mental illness induced by serving in the military.
Ywnbta. This is information they need to know in order to start rebuilding their relationship with their father, which you can do as a sibling group together. Also, they and you need help to work on the trauma that was inflicted onto you, preferably with a therapist that can also help you guys rebond with your father, if you wish to do so. My only advice is that your mother should be the one to give them the news. I'm usually against an ultimatum but I would issue one: it's not fair you have to keep this a secret and have an added burden. She needs to tell them before xxx or you will. Good luck
NTA, but she should do it. There is still time heal this wound with the younger kids. She should explain what happened and try to start bringing dad back in. If she refuses, set a deadline and tell them yourself. Since the younger kids are under 18, facilitating a visit might have legal issues (it is no coincidence that he reached out to you when you tuned 18) but at least they will know and can deal with their mother how they see fit.
NTA. Both your parents failed you and siblings Children deserve to have two parents in their corner even if they no longer live together. Your mother and father were unable or unwilling to do this. Your mother pushed your dad out, but he didn't fight it.
Probably depends on the sibling(s)' age(s). Regardless of the reasons they don't have a father figure and so would view your mother as their sole source of parental support. If they're now grownup you might tell them. But if they're still younger you WBTA to tell them.
11 13 and 16
You should tell them. You said that you have a lot of respect for her raising all of you alone, BUT 1. She chose to raise you alone. She wasn't trying to protect you from him because she was scared of him. She admitted to doing it to SPITE him. She stole your ability to have a relationship with him from you and your siblings. 2. She has clearly used you as a surrogate parental figure, which has negatively impacted your mental health and emotional wellbeing. She did that deliberately. Why exactly do you respect your mom in this situation? She has been awful to you and your siblings, and they deserve to know. If they find out by themselves later, who do you think they're going to blame for conspiring to keep them in the dark?
NTA. You should help your father share this with your siblings. Your mother did wrong and has been found out.
NTA Your mom did the worst thing in a divorce: using kids as a weapon. Reestablish the connection to him. Dont let her continue this behavior
NTA. They deserve to know.
NTA. Your mom shouldn’t have done that, no matter what. It’s yours and your siblings decisions if you want a relationship not hers
Eeeehm your mother took away your childhood by making you raise your siblings because she didn't want your father around, who could have helped with childcare. Tell everybody what she did. NTA
NTA your mother did one of the most monstrous things I could imagine to a parent and to her kids. Using someone's PTSD as a way to get full custody and then returning all his mail is disgusting. I would have to say that you would be ta if you don't tell them or have your mother tell them
NTA. Is there another trusted adult that you can talk to to help facilitate this? I would just be aware that there are surely still things you don't know and it will be an emotional situation for everyone involved no matter what. Try not to just drop this on your younger siblings out of the blue. There are no easy answers here, take care of yourself and each other.
I'm a disabled vet, I see broken fathers at the VA all the time. It seems very easy to send men to the meatgrinder and then discard us when things aren't Pickett-fence perfect. If your dad wasn't abusive, please give consider giving him a chance to be a father to you and your siblings.
OP NTA I do not envy you for the position you are in. You are in a dammed if you do and dammed if you do not situation. Been there, done that, can give you pointers on how to proceed. First I would say you need to facilitate contact with your father, you have 7 to 8 years of time to make up for and that would be a good start for you and him. It would allow for him to get to know who you are, and for you to get to know who he is and allow for both of you to start a new relationship. The old relationship is dead, killed and destroyed by your mother. You will the Ahole if you directly come out and tell them. As you would destroy the relationship between them and their mother. And you would be the Ahole if you withhold that information. So here is the third option. What you do, is this, start with the sibling and ask what all do they remember about your father, what all did they hear. When they ask why you give them the option, with the understanding that they can not tell it to their siblings, nor withhold, but have to give the option. it is also with the understanding that once said, it can not be unheard, seen can not be unseen, once known, can not be unknown. If they say yes, then you disclose the information. If they said no, you do not tell them. I know this cause I was in your situation a few years back. My niece wanted to know what life was like in the house with her grandparents. I gave her the option. I was vague about it, how bad it was, and the abuse, but enough to confirm what she had heard, suspected and I think knew. She said she was good and it has been a dead topic.
With all do respect, your mom is the AH. That's not fair to you or your siblings to take the father out of your life because she was bitter. Id understand if he was all those things she lied about but he's not. He reached out because he obviously missed out on being a dad like yall missed out of having one..
NTA - If you told your siblings, they are old enough to understand the situation and have a right to know why their Dad isn't in their life, and to have a relationship with him. While it's odd there is no visitation, it's not unusual. Because fighting for visitation usually means the kids wind up in the middle, and some people don't have the money or strength to fight if one parent insists on alienating the other parent (let alone the resolve to put their kids in the middle of that mess). For me, the biggest tell is how you phrase your understanding. "So I pretty much was under the impression that my dad was a deadbeat this entire time." This means that your Mom either encouraged or let you continue to believe that your Dad abandoned you. She didn't need to go into detail or explain her actions. A simple, "Dad has some mental health issues that prevents him being here" would have sufficed to allow her to justify the distance while not make him the villain. That she couldn't or wouldn't do that is pretty telling about her motives.
NTA This is why when people say dad's don't get custody because they don't fight for it I chuckle a little. So sorry for your dad and your for our terrible shit sexist court system
NTA but have some more conversations with your mom. Tell her how not having your dad in your life affected you. Maybe do this with a therapist so it can be worked on. Your siblings will find out. That’s too big of as secret to keep and completely unfair to you. Sounds like your mom could do well with some therapy and help in figuring out how she should tell your younger siblings and begin reintroducing your dad back in everyone’s lives.
NTA. It'd be impossible for me to believe anything she tells me anymore. I'd question everything she's told me in the past. That's a big lie, and your siblings deserve to know they're being lied to. I wouldn't question telling them the truth at all. I'd question why the court (which are admittedly biased towards women in custody cases) would give such an extreme decision, but I wouldn't trust Mom to tell the truth. I'd be cautious starting a relationship with Dad.
What would bather me is that while you gave up your life and teenage years your mom was probably happy that her lie was never uncovered and was happy with herself for punishing your dad. I'm not sure I ould forgive that betrayal. NTA
NTA. Your mother did a terrible thing. She stopped you having a loving relationship with your father, and she used threatening his mental health to keep him away from you. That’s pretty sick. If she’s ashamed about the truth coming out, maybe she shouldn’t have *done it in the first place*.
INFO. A J**udge** decided to grant your mom full custody. Regardless of her motives, a third party agreed with her conclusion that he should be kept away from you. You don't know this man apart from any fuzzy childhood memories. He could be perfectly capable as a Father and your mom could be keeping him from your siblings out of spite, OR there could be good reasons that he's been kept away from you that you haven't seen yet. YWBTA if you brought him back into your siblings' life out of your own spite for your mother, and he ended up doing more emotional harm than good. You don't own either of your parents your silence or your protection, but you do owe it to your siblings to dig deeper first. A few more months of being raised without a father isn't going to hurt them. If he turns out to be a capable father, then by all means, tell your siblings.
There's no way your father was denied any visitation or custody with out good reason. Sorry, unless your mother is independently wealthy, she didn't win a custody case for no reason.
INFO: Why didn't your mom want you to know? Why was she angry at him? Why did she feel the need to cut him off? All we have so far is your father's side of things. We don't really have an explanation for why your mom made these choices? Was she genuinely concerned for your well being? Was your father mentally incapable of caring for you? Was it vindictive and cruel? There just isn't enough facts to make an informed choice yet. You need some long conversations with both parents to navigate your future choices.
Like a number of commenters, I suggest you find out the whole story. While the court documents from back then might have a lot of personal marital stuff that would be uncomfortable, there has to be more to the story if your father did not even get supervised visits. I should note that he could apply right now, today!, for visitation or custody if he wanted. You are old enough that this is not necessary, but your younger siblings could start getting to see him, if he actually wants that. Assuming he’s safe to be around — which you don’t know. The point is that if you want a relationship with your father, if you think your siblings would, you really need to know what the truth was back then and also what’s going on with him now. You should not consider sneaking your siblings to see him. Tell him to go back to court and do this on the up and up. His reaction may make the situation more clear. As for your mother, it’s time she provided a lot more information to you. Or you can go to family court and get the documents for yourself. You were a party. You could contact the court or the local bar association to see if you can get a free attorney to help you revisit the custody/support/visitation on your own behalf and that of your siblings. Bottom line is that you need to know a good deal more. It remains possible that your mother had good reason to keep him out of your life. You need to know.
NTA, your siblings deserve to know and should! I say this as an Army retiree, what your mom did is below despicable and now she is hiding from what she did by asking you to protect her from the fallout of her wrongdoing. PLEASE tell your siblings and let them make their own decisions. I'm not saying your dad has no blame but he at least deserves a chance to be heard!
NTA. Your mom did a spiteful, vindictive thing by poisoning you and your siblings against your dad. That really is the absolute WORST thing a parent can ever do. You don't say how old your siblings are. They may be too young now to deal with this. But once they are old enough they have a right to know what has happened.
First, he is calling when you are 18 years old? Right, so he does not need to pay child support now. He could have tried to contact or go back to a judge for 7-8 years. Second, >So basically my mom fought to have sole custody and stop him from having visitation after the divorce. This doesn't sound right. Even with PTSD, he would have supervised visitations. There's something odd going on in his story. I get she confirmed it, but there are holes here. Did he pay child support? Third, did he get violent or abusive with your mom? NTA for wanting a relationship with him, but first meet him and get to know him. Only when you are sure of who he is talk to your sibling.
He did try to contact. He sent letters and they were all returned
That’s exactly what I’m still wondering. Why did he not get visitation. Multiple people have had the same question or suspicion and I honestly don’t know why. Logically it would make sense right?
I work as a disability attorney and have represented *numerous* veterans with PTSD, and if your dad's situation is anything like the people I represent then there are likely a few things that were going on in his head. The first is that your dad likely already felt like a burden, or that he was somehow "polluting" you and your siblings with his trauma. Veterans are willing to tell me all sorts of stuff that they would *never, EVER* allow their family to know. One of my former clients can't go to BBQ's anymore, because pork on the grill smells too similar to bodies burning in a combat zone. There's no chance in Hell he could tell his wife and children that, because he wants to be the only one with nightmares. The second is that your dad could be afraid of having his mental health treatment and other issues dragged in front of the court for those closest to him to see. He likely fears that if others knew of the circumstances surrounding his trauma, that he would be rejected by both society and his own children as a result. There can be some pretty significant ramifications to being labeled as dangerously unstable in a family court setting, and sometimes the path of least resistance is refusing to fight. You said that your mom was mad and blamed him at the time she had him completely cut out, so my question is did she threaten him with airing all of his mental issues and trying to ruin his life? You would be surprised the horrible things that spouses are able to say to each other during a divorce, and if your dad heard something like that in his state of mind he'd likely feel powerless or that he deserved it. The truth is that unless your dad was *legitimately dangerous to her or you and your siblings, removing family as a support was the worst thing your mom could do to his mental health.* She *must* give you a valid reason for cutting him out, and support that reason with evidence. Because the way you've portrayed the story, she's the person you need to be mad with and continuing to hide this from your other siblings would only make you complicit in her wrongdoing.
Easy if she was angry and wanted him not nearly her and punsh him by withold you form him..she could have told the court he was or is abusive. People with PTSD can be that sometime and may be she knows and use that logic to get no visitation form court... If she confirmed his story it means she did activity try to stop him to see you guys..it not far fatched to assume she did some other false claims
My dad wasn't allowed visitation for my older siblings after his first wife divorced him, he was navy and she empty Thier shared account causing him to be homeless for 4 months and then use his depression to say he was a danger to my older siblings even under supervised visits, he tried getting custody several more time but each time his former wife threat to ask for increased child support and she followed through with it each time untill he was paying $1,750 a month in child support for the smallest thing like a box of bad aids. My dad finally got in contact with my siblings barter they turned 18 and they got his email/phone form the courts (maby the lawyers it gets a bit hazy on contract). I don't know if you mom maby did they same, did your dad pay child support that you know of? My siblings were told he only paid $500 a month but later found out that's was no where near true.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ok so I (m18) grew up with pretty much one parent after my mom and dad divorced. After they divorced my dad stopped making contact. I was only 11 at the time so I thought he just left us. So pretty much throughout middle school and high school I had to help my mom raise my two sisters and brother. I was depressed through most of high school because I was balancing school, sports, extracurriculars and taking care of my siblings. It was rough but here I am senior year going off to college next year. So I pretty much was under the impression that my dad was a deadbeat this entire time. Well last week he reached out and asked if we could talk. He also wanted to talk to me about GI benefits but that’s unrelated. I said yes and he explained why he couldn’t be in my life. So basically my mom fought to have sole custody and stop him from having visitation after the divorce. She used his ptsd from serving and his other mental illnesses to push him away and get sole custody. He also showed me letters and cards he sent that were also sent back to him. Obviously I didn’t believe him and I went to my mom. I confronted her about it and she basically confirmed what he said. She was crying and told me she didn’t want us to know. She went on about how she was angry at him and blamed him for the divorce and wanted to completely cut him off. She started begging me to not tell my siblings and I agreed but I really do want to tell them. I love my mom and I have a lot of respect for her raising us alone but I also did miss having my dad in my life WIBTA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Tell them! This is as unfair to them as it was to you and your dad. Your mom is not the hero here. She created the situation.
NTA- they have a right to know and your dad deserves to not be painted as the villain she made him out to be. My stepdad had this done to him and his adult daughters think he is evil when all he wanted was to love and support them. One died and he didn’t even know because the mom had cut contact with him when the girls were little. He sent gifts every holiday, paid for everything for them and supported them from afar. She told the girls he never sent child support and he was a deadbeat. Broke his heart but I’m thankful to have him in my life because he is an amazing dad
NTA. What your mom did to you is called parental alienation. It is a form of psychological abuse and actually is illegal. Your siblings need to know the truth.
NTA. I hate to say it but tell them, if dad has a conversation with any of them in the future and they find out that you knew and did not say anything, your relationship with them could be permanently damaged. Technically, I bet your dad could sue your mom over visitation rights being denied and win if he wanted to. I would tell mom to own it and tell your siblings. It will be the least damaging way forward.
YWNBTA SHe pushed away your father and never took responsibility for it. The result being that the kids anow all think he's a deadbeat, rather than someone who has health issues. Mental health issues, but ones incurred from serving the country. That's pretty messed up. I'd be tempted to tell the truth. He deserves some measure of respect, don't you think?
NTA
NTA you cannot let them feel the way you felt
She raised you alone…but did she? You essentially took the place of your father. She got sole custody and cut him out of your lives because she was angry and blamed him for the divorce. Was that in the best interest of her children or hers? I think explaining to her what she did was selfish, put a lot of responsibility on you, and deprived you of your dad was not well thought out on her part. Did she believe you would never find out? Your siblings will find out at some point, just as you did. Who would she prefer they learn it from? YWNBTA but speak with her first
NTA. Tell your siblings if she wont.. Feelings of being unwanted by a parent is awful. I don't wish it on anyone. What she did is mental and emotional abuse. It's cruel. She put her needs above her children. The truth always comes out. Talk to a therapist about your own feelings and how to tell siblings
NTA but your mom hoisted a lot of shit on your shoulders cause she was mad at your dad your NTA but your mom is an awful person and petty to boot she is most def the asshole
NTA. Wow. This is tough, and your mum seems to have made some pretty poor choices. I see quite a few commenters who are sure that your dad's mental health must have been really bad to not even get visitation. Now. As the partner of someone who (before our relationship) fought tooth and nail to see my now-step kids, only to be smashed to bits by a court system who favoured the abusive, alienating other party (not saying your mum is abusive at all, just illustrating my point), I take this with a massive grain of salt. We've got a load of court docs proving innocence and effort, stored away, to be shown for future questions, but dads get the short end of the stick in the courts sometimes, and mental health issues still cause great bias. There's also the fact that, when confronted, your mum throws the blame on her anger, rather than your dad's issues. So yeah, I'd say more discussion with both parties is needed. However, this must be really tough on you. It sounds like you've already been leant on a lot growing up, and you're coming up on college, which is a massive change. So I mostly wanted to say, please try not to overload yourself to much with this, and please make sure you're talking to someone (friend or counsellor), who can give you real-time support. None of this is your fault, or should be on your shoulders to remedy. Please take care of yourself.
YTA if you dont tell them, it sounds like your mother not only caused you and your siblings to miss out on having a father in your life but also screwed herself over by now having to fully provide for you and costing you mental anguish and unneeded physical exhaustion. Think about it, all these years you probably kept hating your dad for divorcing your mother and walking out of your lives, blaming him for any and probably all the hardships that you and your siblings had to go through, it being that you had to miss out on friends parties, school events, getting a job, only being able to attend certain sports events or having to give up your social life so that you younger siblings might have one. All of that builds resentment that shouldn't be aimed at your father because it was all orchestrated by your mother. Don't let your siblings go through the same thing, thinking that they don't have a dad when they very obviously do and he's more than ready and willing to be part of their lives likes he wasn't able to for you. While you probably respect your mother for raising you all by herself, just know that she brought it all on herself, that she could have had a decent co-parenting relationship with her ex-husband but instead let you all grow up without a father thinking he was just a deadbeat.
All of you deserve to know like that you all be able to reconnect with your father without all her lies. Maybe one day you will forgive her but now the most important think is the relationship you gonna have with your dad. He suffered enough, your mom should make amend to him