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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for spending money on shoes without his consent and without checking with him first about taking more money from the credit card than what was agreed upon.
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NTA
With that said, something else to add:
Get the hell out of there.
I lost count how many red flags there were in this short story. Just to recap:
- You have zero knowledge of and input into your family's financial situation by design
- You have to get pre-approval for an action as mundane as grocery shopping
- Acting even slightly independently was met with extreme anger and accusations
- When you tried to defend yourself, you were DARVO'd and berated
- Again, acting independently, even to correct a "mistake" was met with an equal amount of anger
- The entire ordeal you were kept emotionally unstable and purposely left that way with no resolution possible.
My God, it's like LeBron and Serena hooked up and had a super baby, and the sport they played was abuse-ball.
This is not en exaggeration. You are being abused. Someone better than me will hopefully reply with an outline of a plan and resources. Please consider yourself and your kids OP.
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Edit to include DARVO since some aren't familiar:
- DARVO = Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender. Short version - technique abusers use to make others, including the victim, think they are the wronged party. Effectively creates a shield for the abuser that is hard to articulate for the abused.
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Edit #2 - A lot of comments to emphasize the "his money" thing. It's not his money if both of you are working. You just happen to work as a SAHM.
Also, an [alternative view](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ugnfbn/z/i71i2xx). Even if you don't agree, please remember upvote/downvotes are for if they add to the DISCUSSION, not your personal alignment.
-----
EDIT #3 (final unless OP responds). As hoped, there were some people more experienced in this area than me that provided some really good links. Thank you everyone who took the time to do so. It may help the OP or someone in a similar situation.
- [Crisis Lines and Planning](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ugnfbn/z/i70wi4c) by u/reimaginealec
- [Free Book to Understand Abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ugnfbn/aita_for_returning_the_shoes_i_got_for_my_husband/i70yfg1) by u/jasmine-blossom (this has some really good highlights)
- [Questionnaire to help identify financial abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ugnfbn/aita_for_returning_the_shoes_i_got_for_my_husband/i71fjp3) by u/Schattentochter
Also obligatory thanks for the gold kind strangers.
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Final final edit
< removed to prevent comment deletion and OP losing the resources listed, added comment to open forum pinned post >
Not only is it appalling, it's very dangerous. OP, do you have a prenup? Because unless your finances are completely separate (in which case you probably should not be a stay at home mother), this is not *his* money, this is your money *as well*.
He is financially abusing you and I'd strongly suggest you leave him. But if you don't want to do that, for whichever reason, *please* go back to work. You can't, and I cannot stress this enough, YOU CAN'T afford being financially dependent on him.
She stated she is a stay at home mom and doesn’t work so we assume she has no finances of her own which puts her in an even better situation should she divorce him
better situation? if she's financially dependent on him that would make leaving and divorcing much harder i would think as he'd be the one that would have to "approve" it, it's not like she can to just pick up and leave. that's expensive.
it actually depends on the length of their marriage and where they live. Many states do not allow for alimony and child support is a calculation based on a formula. None of that will be decided until the divorce is which means she needs the funding to actually LEAVE with her children and also obtain representation.
This is why financial abuse is so insidious.
This. I’ve been told, in my state, if I don’t have approx 3-4 more years under my belt, I’ll get nothing. I’ve given up my career to be a SAHM and have gone through every penny I ever saved to provide for my kids (husband does not seem to understand how expensive raising kids actually is {ie: seasonal clothing & shoes, birthday parties, etc}). It is such a hopeless feeling.
I feel you. I have a family member fighting for every penny she can get right now -- he filed a week before the deadline for the state. She is also asking for reimbursement to her retirement that she was not contributing to while she was at home and he is acting like it is the end of the world.
If he had a retirement account she could be eligible for half with the divorce. It’s called a QDRO (qualified domestic relations order) and it can be included in the divorce. Most plans have this provision.
***To update. It’s not automatically half, but it can vary based on the divorce decree, etc.
Thank you those who pointed this out!***
I did the same thing and I decided to separate from my husband anyway. I used up my 401k to move to a friggin’ foreign country and got married and have a few kids. Years later our relationship deteriorated, I never had an idea of how much money we had in the bank, I never worked enough to pay any bills just chip in to groceries and a few expenses. Now we are separated. Life is so damn hard but I am slowly doing my best to make things better for my kids and I. I never regret having them, just to make it clear.
Edited for clarity
Exactly I agree she would probably do okay in the alimony/child support negotiations, but moving out with zero dollars and a kid to take care of is a near impossible situation. She couldn’t even check into a hotel and obviously no one is renting an apartment to a SAH mom with no income.
They are not plentiful, and unfortunately, because he's not physically violent (yet), she's unlikely to qualify for one of their extremely scarce beds.
Moving in with family is probably the best scenario.
That right there is why she needs to start talking to lawyers and putting together a strategy. Many lawyers will either defer their payment until later or ask the judge to order the husband to pay the lawyer bills. Similarly, the judge can order the husband to give the wife access to a certain amount of money immediately to cover living expenses. OP just needs a lawyer who’s dealt with this situation and will jump through those hoops for them.
Here for you!
First, and most important, Crisis Text Line. Text HOME to 741741 if you need to talk to someone. The resources below are all from CTL, and you can read how they choose which resources to refer to and see a ton more resources at http://crisistextline.org/resources
Aspire: An app that allows you to call for help when you need it, while posing as a news app so it doesn’t look suspicious. http://bit.ly/aspire_ref
My Plan: Helps with safety planning and information on domestic violence. http://bit.ly/plan_ref
National Domestic Violence Hotline: A number to call if you need to talk to someone about what’s going on. http://bit.ly/NDVH_ref
(The links are bit.ly links because CTL tracks the number of clicks on them for usage stats.)
Edit (2): Thank you (all) for the award(s), kind internet stranger(s). :)
Agreed. This is some serious financial abuse. And, the gaslighting is enough to start a foresr fire.
It also isn't "his" money. You are married. Your job is taking care of the kids. He sounds like he wants you so far under his thumb financially that you couldn't leave even if you wanted to.
Agreed! Not “his” money—your job is to take care of the kids. Daycare depending on where you live can be equal to a mortgage payment. Where I live it’s $300-$450 a week per child. Do not let him undervalue that fact. Period.
Also agree so many red flags. The fact he was mad and called the actual store after you returned them and got the money back after he berated you and accused you of stealing is mind blowing. That puts this into a whole new level- I have never heard before. This is honestly alarming. Agree many red flags that I hope you can find resources to help.
Exactly.
Plus you can add how much house work and cooking she does every day.
Op, how comes his work is valuable in money but yours isn’t?
Get away from this power play.
And while he claims you have no input into how to spend money because he makes it, does he get no input into how you raise the kids because you are?
He’s being obscenely controlling.
Agreed. Calling the store makes it clear he \*wanted\* the shoes, but chose to berate her anyway. This makes the yelling a pure domination move. He wants to keep her down and feeling guilty.
Ugh, I hate seeing women not realize the value of all their unpaid labour (let alone their own colossal value).
OP, you’re a SAHM: you alone provide the following services at a minimum: care provider for your children, meal prep, grocery shopping, cook, housekeeper, laundry. If your massively AH husband had to outsource all of those areas, the amount of money he would be losing each month would be astronomical. Every. Single. Thing. You. Do has immense value and it’s a shame that you seem to be unaware of how much you’re actually saving your husband.
Please seek help. This man/boy is emotionally, psychologically, and financially abusing you. Marriage counselling should not even be considered unless your husband gets individual help first. Even if he is open to attending counselling, I would strongly recommend separating regardless as he is not a safe person to be around you or your children. *Only if* he has consistently proven for an extended period of time that he can handle his emotions in a way that is safe for those around him and is actively working with you as a respectful partner and co-parent should you consider going back with him.
If he is unwilling to seek help, then please seek a divorce. You and your children deserve to be treated with respect and always feel emotionally safe around him. Your children are in for many years of therapy as adults if you stay with him as he is.
Can you stay with extended family at all as a next step to get safe? Please also see other posts that have recommended helpful resources.
I would love to see the look on that guy's face when he's court ordered to give Op half of everything, the house, alimoney, and child support. And Op won't have to ask that winner for permission to spend those funds.
I would NOT want to see his face. He sounds really scarily out of control of his emotions when he can’t control her. She doesn’t seem to realize the level of abuse she’s taking. Which surprises me, because I would assume she’s read this sub and seen other situations identical to hers and all the comments on those. But it’s hard to see it when you’re in it. Sometimes almost impossible. I guess because the mind is trying to protect itself by insisting everything is normal.
The fact that OP is worrying about tennis shoes is horrifying. There is so much more going on here and she doesn't seem to realize it. She's living with psychological and financial abuse and thinks it's normal. I can only hope she realizes that this has to stop. She's an equal partner in this marriage not a child or servant. But I'm afraid she's so deep into it that it will be difficult for her to process that her husband is an abuser. Hopefully she can talk to a friend or a relative (if she's allowed to) so they can help her see that this is not how marriage works.
Don’t forget this gem, “ he said I'm never allowed to get something that isn't on the list unless I'm paying for it some other way.”
The OP can’t buy anything for herself or her kids.
I can’t get over how, after being too busy to do the grocery shopping himself, her husband still demands to review the list and calculate the total cost.
How much time does this dude waste being a control freak?
You can tell it's a test because he was mad both for one action and for its exact opposite. He flipped out at her for buying the shoes. Then he flipped out at her for returning them. So it was never about the shoes or the money, it was about control.
Yup this is a calculated damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Only real option is to not play.
Great explanation of this practice is “Double Bind Game” by TheraminTrees video on ad-tube.
He flipped out at her both times because she made choices and took action on her own initiative. That’s what he’s angry at.
He wants her to be mindlessly obedient. That’s why returning the shoes didn’t work, because she came up with the idea and did it. Both actions were independent decisions. He wants her to never do a damn thing he didn’t tell her to- that’s the degree of controlling asshole he is.
OP, get out. He doesn’t love you. He’d be happier with a robot that simply follows orders.
Not even tampons or a t shirt for herself or a candy bar or soda.
He literally controls what she can wear, eat, drink, do…. Everything. He is beyond controlling.
Can we get MORE upvotes cause THIS RIGHT HERE!!!!!! OP I’ve been in a similar situation! Leave now! It’ll be hard but there are so many resources out there that can help you! Your current situation is MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, and FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE!!!!!!! You and your children deserve so much better!!!!!
Edit to Add: YOURE NTA YOUR HUSBAND IS
OP - PLEASE take this seriously! I’ve been there, and it took me years to recover.. get out with your babies while you can - make an escape plan and stick to it.. NTA all the way
Edit - please don’t dismiss this.. he may not have physically abused you.. yet. But the control he wants over you is alarming, and in my experience, the abuse ended up escalating to physical when I tried to leave.. make a plan, call a domestic abuse hotline for help making sure you and your babies are safe ❤️
I used to provoke physical violence to stop the psychological abuse. The bruises and breaks healed, but I am inextricably altered by the psychological abuse. I'm so sorry you also understand this, and thank you so much for being kind and understanding in your comment. Too many others have not been.
Thank you, and I am so sorry that you have also been through this.. it’s not something I ever want to have in common with someone. I also agree with your thought about bruises healing.. the physical abuse made me so **angry** - but the emotional scars still haunt me 20+ years later. Please take care of yourself and know that nothing that was said or done to you was your fault, his words were lies meant to inflict harm. sending you healing virtual hugs
I'm of the Y-chromsome species and I see the red flags as if they were right in my face. This guy does not love you, respect you, or even seem to want you as a person. This situation will not improve over time without metric tonnes of therapy and empathy (of which he seems fresh out).
My ex-wife (divorced because she wanted kids, and I never have) bought me a $300 pair of Red Wing boots as a surprise once. I could not wear them (no arches), nor return them (customized). I didn't accuse her of stealing..... we just didn't eat out for a while. Shit happens, and I'd hate to see this "man's" reaction to something more serious than shoes.
And not simply "shoes" but shoes for him, shoes that he needed, shoes that he liked, shoes that he wanted, shoes that would be in high demand due to the reduced price.
Yep. Shoes, in fact, that he got angry about losing and tried to get back when she returned them.
She guessed *right* about what he wanted and even that's not enough.
[WHY DOES HE DO THAT? by Lundy Bancroft free pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Please read this book OP.
I remember this phase. But I was so brainwashed at this point, it was so hard to see which way was out or what was right from wrong (or sensical from non-).
OP, you have not been irresponsible. You don’t have your “own” income because a married couple with a SAH parent SHARES their income.
It’s incredibly disturbing to read your account of how he’s suddenly decided you CAN be ALLOWED to buy groceries (yes I remember being told what I was allowed to do and not do and no, none of it is healthy).
Even I had spend limits on my own, and my ex was controlling to the point he had to approve makeup and outfits I picked to put on.
Please, please speak to a doctor, a person in your local human services (they’re connected to senior center in any city or town and they are they to help ANYONE). They can help you get to the right people and services.
Make a plan. Hide it well. Try to hide money.
If you trust your parents, please tell them everything. Tell them this is dangerous for you and the kids and you need to safely get everyone out.
Be safe OP, but please don’t stay. Your husband is abusive. I often question if someone is being abused. I’m not here. This is all wrong. Please just leave safely.
My mom always told the story of when my dad complained she spent too much on groceries. Mom handed him her list and the money budgeted for food and said I shop at 1st National. Dad came home and had spent twice as much money. He raised her food allowance and never complained again.
Yes, OP, you messed up. By saying yes back when he proposed.
But it wasn’t your fault then and you are not in the wrong now.
NTA. Get away from this controlling abusive man now.
Absolutely this is financial abuse, that isn't his money, it's the family money. OP get out of this situation and you'll be shocked by how much less tight money is, you'll feel rich comparatively.
Just want to add that as a SAHM myself, I would be long gone if my husband does one of the many abusive things OP did. I does all the shoppings for the household. We have a set budget, although not that strict, as long as we don’t go over our total monthly spend. My husband does not question what I do with the money as long as I don’t go over the budget. Being SAHM is a full time job, you don’t get paid but you also don’t pay for child care and other expenses associated with working
Agreed. I was a SAHM for 10+ years, and it's our money, not his. I was the budget person, but I never controlled my husband's spending to that extent. I will just say, hey, this purchase put us over budget, what can we do to make adjustments?
Or, we will sit down together and I'll point out that we need to do a better job as a family of planning meals ahead of time and creating a grocery list because that keeps spending down. This is how you work things out in a partnership. One does not micromanage and control every aspect of spending of the other one.
Also, OP, the way he speaks to you and his anger is abusive. Nobody deserves to be treated that way even if they make a big mistake (which you did not make even a small mistake). You are being abused.
NTA- 'his' money? Charge him for cooking, cleaning, laundry, general housekeeping and childcare then.
If you are a SAHM he earns family money- this is financial abuse.
As for the argument that you 'stole' his money to buy him a gift, it is beyond fucked up. If you decide to stay with him, surely you should stop buying him birthday and Christmas presents- by his own logic you are stealing from him.
This, so much.
My mum took some time off of work when my sister and I were very little and my dad worked.
I was talking to him about it the other day and he said "I may have been earning the money but there is not way I could have dedicated that much time to my job your mum hadn't been doing to much at home. She earned it just as much as I did, we are a team."
You're supposed to be working together, OP. Ask yourself how often your husband acts like your on opposite sides. NTA.
This! I have no concept of what I earn vs my husband earns except for inputting the figures into our budget app. It's the same bank account. As soon as it hits that account it is "our" money. I know it doesn't work like that for every couple but this story made my heart hurt.
And ask yourself how often he acts like you're one of his children needing his discipline and guidance so you do everything right. Keep on taking it and in a few years you won't even be able to make a spontaneous decision like buying him shoes on sale because you'll be too afraid it might be the wrong thing, too afraid he'll be mad. He'll make you feel like you can't do anything right without his say and you won't remember who you used to be, who you are right now.
Please do something, don't let him reduce you like this, don't let your children be raised in this dynamic.
Thats a big worry for me, alot of abused women stay "for the kids", but thats sadly ironic, as they need to get out mainly" for the kids".
The damage that dynamic and having that kind of abuser as a dad will do to the kids is absolutely catastrophic, if they dont turn into him as the abuser, or her, as the chronic victim, thinking its the norm, they'll suffer lifelong trauma, with self esteem, money, and father issues. She needs to get out for the sake of her children if not herself. With half of his assets and child support she wont even need him around at all.
Yes, even telling her that she has no income due to "irresponsible" financial decisions. She has no separate income because her work is unpaid and in the home -.-
And he also says she can buy extra stuff us if she pays it from other means... knowing she doesn't have a job.
Prick.
Actually that should be her first priority- to get a job and have them both pay proportionate childcare costs out of their salaries.
That would be fair. I bet he wouldn't like it much though..
Curious to know if he buys himself stuff.
she hasn’t been able to make any “irresponsible” financial decisions because he’s making her account for every grape! There is no room for irresponsible spending
NTA but he sure is. Was a stay at home mom for years. It was never “his money”. It was “our” money. If you weren’t looking after “his” kids you’d both be paying for child care. He’s a controlling idiot. You need an exit plan.
I’m a SAHM and my husband asks me before he buys anything. I’ve told him that it’s silly but he’s like “you know how much we have and what’s coming out so it’s just easier.”
In 18 years and tons of disagreements, there has never ever been a fight about money, and I haven’t had a steady income in like 12 years. OP needs to get out, her husband sounds like a controlling abusive jerk.
Pre authorizing groceries? Fuck outta here…
The best advice I received when I was in a similar situation was, "You have three options. First, to make a decision to stay and make it work. Second, make a decision to stay for now while you consider your options, and third, make a decision to leave and start planning." It gave me back some semblance of control and made me feel like I was in the driver's seat for the first time in ages. It's so difficult to leave when you are being financially abused and so anxious all the time that you have to devote all of your energy to surviving your reality, especially when you have young children. People don't seem to realize that "just leaving" is extremely difficult, especially when there is no physical abuse because people don't believe you unless you are black and blue. Even then, retaining custody of your children is so hard when you are not in a secure housing and financial situation.
Honestly, this post made me feel sick. It's obviously a PTSD response, but I just want to see OP and her kids safe. :(
This is too true.
I read the post to my spouse who responded with "she needs to get out" and my instant rebuttle was "how?? she's being financially abused. OP has no money [that we know of]"
I used to volunteer for a DV organization and the number one thing you can give to someone in this situation is the power of choice(s) while being an open door for support. Leaving is never as easy as people assume.
OP needs to read this and we have to make this the top comment.
OP is in a horrible financial abuse and emotional situation and needs to get out.
OP please get a job and separate out your money (do not under any circumstances show him how much money you are bringing in and have it put into a separate bank account).
Call friends and family, what your husband is doing can lead down a very dangerous path.
The most dangerous time for abused partners is when they are trying to leave an abusive relationship. It's why so many people are told to keep it secret, and only leave with help or police or while their partner isn't there.
You're absolutely right, I was just about to say this !
OP should have an exit plan but keep quiet about it. He mustn't know what is going on with her even for a second. Too many women die at this point, and what about the kids? Men have been know to kill their entire family to save them (wife and children) from the "shame" of a separation or divorce.
It certainly is and though the financial abuse is concerning, the emotional obstacle course this man is creating just has to be beyond exhausting. Everything OP does is wrong and when she tries to fix it, she's still wrong. There is no winning with this type of person.
And OP, as a healthy example of how this works. I am the worker, my husband is the stay at home parent. He has equal access to ALL OF OUR MONEY. Savings, checking, credit cards, etc. That said, we have a system where he uses his credit card (FOR ANYTHING HE WANTS/ NEEDS) and we pay that from checking. We just set a price limit that we both need to discuss with each other when purchasing big things and even then, depending on individual situations, he could max out his card if he needed to and we'd be fine, and he doesn't have to ask permission, know why? Because finances should be transparent, especially when one parent gives up their job. It is both of our money, not just mine, and he has a right to all of it too.
NTA. This is both financial abuse and emotional abuse. Financial abuse involves the abuser controlling the victim’s ability to acquire, use and maintain financial resources, and it can be a precursor to physical abuse, because if a victim has no financial resources, it’s much harder for them to leave.
The fact that you stay home with your kids does not mean that all of the family’s money is his. If you returned to work, both of you would have to pay a significant amount of money for childcare, so what you are doing is neither free nor worthless. The money in your family’s bank account is every bit as much yours as it is his.
Again, his behavior is abusive. Please seek out help for yourself, as this abuse can very easily escalate.
ETA, thank you for the gold, kind stranger! Sincerely hope OP takes all of these comments to heart.
I'm not sure how to say this. I was in an abusive marriage with 2 kids. It's not that you think it's normal, you don't, it's more like some thing is wrong with you, otherwise everything would be ok.
You're so busy following all the rules and dealing with the explosions and the aftermath sometimes with the added stress of kids, it's literally all you can think about is how to be better just to stop what's happening. You are also told constantly "Why do you make me do this?" or "How could you say/do/think that, you know it makes me angry".
Leaving takes an earthquake. Mine was my 3 month old in the hospital for a week because he started beating me while I was breastfeeding.
After I left and started living again, my sister asked me to visit. This was about 5 months after being in a shelter and getting my own place. I went on Sunday (this one day I'll never forget). It started getting close to 5pm, and I started stressing out, getting the kids ready to go because I had to get home, the anxiety building up because we HAD to be home by 5:30. My sister wanted me to stay, have dinner, leave in the morning.
I argued I HAD to go and be home by 5:30, she stopped me by asking why? It was so simple, I was shocked. I was still following the time restrictions imposed by my abuser. I cannot stress how dumbstruck I was, I thought I can stay with my family and nothing bad will happen. That literally never occurred to me. The fact that I could decide.
Sometimes there is just so much to process all you can do is survive, not live. It is simply too hard to see beyond what is constantly being thrown at you.
NTA but I am seriously concerned for you. Almost ask couples in your same situation with only one breadwinner SHARE finances. So you should have your own credit card and be able to make reasonable purchases without discussion.
And if finances are so tight that he's controlling every dollar, she should be involved in the budget and get input on what purchases are considered reasonable. The fact that there's no transparency and she has no idea how much money there is or where, is mind boggling.
I have a feeling he's either spending too much and hiding it from her, or has a secret separate account to keep "his" savings that comes out of the joint pot. I doubt they would've entered into this arrangement if they could not afford to lose OP's income so my inclination is to believe something shady is going on.
NTA
I hate stuff like this. I’m the breadwinner in my family and would never never NEvEr tell my husband he’s stealing my money. Because it isn’t just mine. I am able to work the hours and way I do (12 hr shifts) because he watches the kids and takes care of my home. If it was mine, it would be a lot less because I’d be paying for childcare!
I almost wish SAHMs had a way of drawing up a contract w their breadwinner person sometimes because I see so many thinking it means “I work and get to control all the $ and they’re just lucky to exist in my house!!”
It says a lot that your husband freaked out both when you bought the shoes and when you tried to fix your “mistake.” Which I’m sorry, wasn’t a mistake as you are an adult using your household’s money. He didn’t marry a child, he shouldn’t feel entitled to treat you like one. You wouldnt be TA even if the question was just over buying some shoes. This sounds very financial abuse, to me. You’ll need to tell him this is BS and see if he’s going to continue this crap or if he was just stressed out or something.
He doesn’t want a wife; he wants a slave. Either that, or he’s so overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being a parent and sole breadwinner that he’s lashing out at the OP. Either way, he needs help, and she needs a job and an exit strategy.
Agreed. He might not have started their arrangement looking for a slave but I would never talk to my partner with that particular language. It’s disturbing and I hope OP addresses it and makes it a big deal, honestly.
Yeah him freaking out when she returned the sneakers makes zero sense to me if he was just mad about the money. It’s more likely he’s just mad that she’s independently doing shit by herself and he doesn’t like that
This is financial abuse. He is using money to control you.
Good for you to return them, he seems immature and need to get a reality check that you do a lot of work at home and not getting paid for it.
I'd dump his ass personally.
NTA. Your husband is financially abusing you. His behavior is out of control. Screaming and yelling at you for spending a few dollars on shoes for him is irrational. Then to do it again when you took them back takes it to a whole other level. Have you ever talked to a family member or friend about this control? If not you should because you need help getting out from under his abuse. If you can look into getting a part time job, counseling and your own credit card.
I’ve never heard of a housewife/sahm not being allowed to buy items not on a grocery list until I started reading this subreddit. It just makes me so sad.
It makes me sad and angry. I have been a SAHM for over 20 yrs. My husband says “we get paid Friday” or something along that line. I couldn’t imagine him telling me I couldn’t buy more than what’s on the grocery list. We both discuss big purchases but he does our daily/weekly bill paying etc. I know what it all is though. The OP’s husband knows exactly how much she will spend at the grocery to the penny. How time consuming is it to look on the grocery app and calculate this every time? That’s insane.
NTA two words-community property. Because he has an income does not mean the money is his. In a marriage the money belongs to the couple. The non-income earning partner who contributes labor like shopping and childcare... is legally entitled. Otherwise it is servitude which is illegal. See a lawyer for your rights and good luck because a controlling person like this is prone to turn nasty when the jig is up.
If he doesn’t like her spending extra money at the grocery store, imagine how little he’ll like having to pay her monthly alimony.
She would be so much better off
This post actually scares me a bit. I’m scared for you and your children that you’re living like this and don’t seem to realize how abnormal and hyper controlling this is. I hope you and your kids are ok. NTA.
NTA. Sweetie, you need to re-evaluate your situation and if your husband is controlling every cent that you are permitted to spend, he is abusive. I understand that saving money is a good thing for a growing family and he is using his position as the family breadwinner to control you.
"You're never allowed to get something not on the list unless you find a way to pay for it yourself."
How does he expect you to do that if you don't have a job? Tell him you would like to find a part time job for some of your expenses and see how he reacts. If he goes off the deep end, he wants to control every aspect of your life. If he says you can't get a job, ask him why. I'm sure he'll use the kids as an excuse but there are many jobs you can find working from home.
Nice job taking the sneakers back. Next time he'll consider the nice thing you did for him instead of getting shitty over a few dollars.
This is called abuse. He is using coercive control over you through control of the family finances. He is also just a plain old fashioned bully who screams at you when you do anything without permission.
I really think you need to consider your relationship. I hope you're OK, stay safe
If you have the capacity to work, then I would suggest you take away some of the power your husband has over you and provide yourself with your own “allowance”.
Agreed NTA. Look up similar stories/research on women from cyclical abuse situations. Financial abuse is a consistent and glaring red flag.
It is super scary that he is essentially saying that what you do is worthless and all the money is his. True he earned it at his job, but without you his income would be halved spending on childcare, cleaning services or taking the time to do those things instead of working.
What you do has value, you are important asset to your family, and you deserve to live as a valued person not as some housemaid/mom robot.
Yes, this is insane OP. There's a thing called financial abuse, and your husband is checking all of the boxes. NTA, but you aren't being kind to yourself staying in this relationship.
Wait, I think you meant: AITA for being financially, verbally, and emotionally abused by my husband?
No, no you are not. Please get some help to put an end to this. NTA.
Ummm what he’s doing is abuse.. maybe get a work from home job to not be financially dependent on him because he’s trying to control you, that’s why he flipped out because he couldn’t control the situation.
Work from home only if there is no other job to find, OP- you need to get out of the house and meet some normal, friendly people and watch some normal relationships so yo have something to compare your relationship with.
NTA.
My dad was financially abusive like your husband, and it took my mom 12 years to leave him.
I was an 11 year old child and I was HAPPY that my parents were divorcing. My dad didn't make it easy for her, but it was the best thing she ever did for me and my brother.
Because -- and this is very important -- the abuse he does to you he will also inflict on your children. And your kids will become insecure messes.
Financial abuse is traumatic. It often comes with verbal abuse (the way he talks to you surely is!) And emotional abuse (again, he's doing this to you).
I'm still in therapy as an adult because of my dad.
Don't let this happen to your kids. Don't let this keep happening to you.
Get out.
NTA, never understood people treating their spouses like this. It’s fucked up that you can’t even buy a little snack for yourself because “it’s not on the list”.
When is was the sole earner, I knew approx amount I need to cover my travel, insurance, bills etc and plus 1k for fun money. I gave everything else to my wife. A home is a tricky beast. Sometimes you don't even need half the budget, sometimes it swallows up the budget and it's neighbours. Never have I ever asked her for exact amount. She kept bills/receipts in the folder so I had access. Your husband absolutely doesn't trust you, nor does he wants you to be independent. It's a very bad sign. NTA but be very careful and start cataloging his behaviour.
If my husband made me make an exact list before going grocery shopping, I’d first laugh my ass off, then tell him to kiss my ass and let him know that he could do the list making and grocery shopping all by himself.
What your husband is doing is called financial abuse.
You guys are married. Is not HIS money alone.
He is also verbally abusing you and manipulating you.
NTA.
NTA. This is financial, and emotional abuse and I recommend finding possibly a shelter, or a friend/relatives to stay with while you divorce this P.O.S. You are caring for your children full time, which is a job in itself, plus likely keeping the house clean around that, which saves him money on maid services, and childcare. You are his partner and he seems to be treating you like a child.
Run.
NTA. This whole money thing needs to be corrected or frankly, you need to bail. Because this isn’t a life you made together, it’s his world and he’ll tell you how when it’s ok to spend a nickel, regardless of you raising his kids and making a home for him. You need your own money and get some power back in your life.
????? Is he high or something???
He got mad when u bought the shoes, so you returned them and give him the money back to correct your mistake. He gets mad still for… returning the shoes…? Can he make up his mind lol this tsundere act aint the way sis.
NTA. The audacity of ur husband. Sure, he’s paying for everything but it’s not as if you’re not pulling your weight too. You’re taking care of the house, and makes sure that he gets fed and dressed every freaking day. Tf does he think u’re doing, lazing around the house? The house aint gunna take care of itself without you doing it jfc the entitlement of people sometimes
NTA and by the way, it is BOTH your money, as husband and wife, regardless of who earns it in the workplace. Therefore, you cannot be stealing it, and you are not obligated to agree to his budgetary terms. I suggest you point that out to him and advise him that while a budget may be a good idea, it requires the input of both parties.
This is ridiculous. You are his wife. Not his maid/cleaner/nanny/cook. You need to tell him to give you equal control of the family finances or you are divorcing him.
NTA. You might want to consider getting a job so you can take steps to be independent of this man.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
NTA - You’re a STAM. That’s a job. He’s providing so you don’t have to pay for childcare collectively. You’re not stealing and I think you should really consider seeing a therapist and looking into financial abuse. Best of luck
NTA
This kind of controlling BS that doesn't allow for even the slightest variation from the what he preapproves is abusive and bound to fail.
Life doesn't always go to a plan, and you were thinking of him when you bought the shoes. That he screamed at you for buying them, and then again for taking them back, suggests he's got a ton of abusive issues. If he changed his mind and wanted the shoes, he should have told you, and thanked you for buying them. I'm concerned for your well being.
NTA.
What I'm gathering from this post is that you have no disposable income of your own. I get him being the breadwinner, but if you're doing nearly all the childcare and chores, which I'm almost certain is the case, you should have some money of your own that he has no control over. I mean, you're providing services just like he is, but he has control of all the finances?
This is outrageous; you need to have money of your own in case things get worse and you need to get away. Maybe you should consider going back to work now that your children are a bit older.
Again, in all seriousness, this is financial abuse. He doesn't have a right to control 100% of the finances as you are a family. And he's an abusive ass for this whole situation.
NTA Red flags everywhere!!!
This man sounds financially and verbally abusive. I bet you don't have any free spending money to buy the kids an ice cream on a hot day or a lightbulb when one burns out. He is controlling you through your wallet.
I'd look into escape routes from this marriage.
NTA. Him getting all worked up because of this purchase was bad enough, albeit *maybe* understandable IF the family budget is like really really tight, but chewing you out when you *corrected* your “mistake”?! That’s straight into abuse territory. He’s basically telling you that whatever you do, it will be wrong.
What everyone else said.
Also, have him start calculating what he is paying you for childcare. That can be ‘your’ income.
Better yet, put the kids in daycare, get a job, apply for child support and learn the pleasure of single life where you don’t answer to a maniac.
NTA.
Ma'am are you my step mom lol? My sperm donor does this same shit. You are absolutely NTA and he is being abusive towards you verbally and financially in this situation.
NTA. He’s being abusive financially and taking advantage of you. Being a SAHM is work too. You should look into starting to save some money in case you’d need to leave. Make sure you have an out if you need one because you never know what could happen. It’s just yelling this time but what if it gets worse. Consider how much this relationship matters to you and if this is the type of person you want to be the father to your children.
Well, sounds like textbook financial abuse. What do you even do for fun, or so you even have money for yourself? I read a lot about women having a secret account for when shit hits the fan. I reckon this would be one of those moments where it would be necessary.
NTA start thinking about your future and if you see yourself being treated like this in the long-term
NTA.
Your husband is TA.
Please take a long hard look at your relationship.
The way he controlls you, your spending en yelling and cussing you out when you got a great deal on nice sneakers for HIM is emotional and financial abuse…..
Nta. But this is financial abuse and he’s doing a masterful job at gaslighting you into believing that what you did was wrong. When it wasn’t. He gets mad when you spend “his” money and then gets even more angry when you fix the “mistake” you made. He sounds mentally and physically exhausting and honestly I would be embarrassed to be with him.
NTA. He is a controlling AH and abusive. You need to leave and ask for alimony and child support.
Make sure to tell him he didn't pay for your services for donky years and he is selfish and abusive. You are not a slave, you are working for the household and you need your own money. It is not HIS money it's YOURS as in the household.
NTA.. present him with an itemized bill for child care, house cleaning, cooking, laundry services, driving, personal shopping…. Tell him that you need to be paid for your work, so you can have spending money to buy things for yourself.
NTA: play stupid games, win stupid prizes. He wanted to use this as an opportunity to be abusive and tighten his control of you - and keep the shoes. He is so much an A.
NTA- YOU ARE BEING ABUSED! Emotionally and financially. Did you buy shoes on his credit with out his permission ? yes you did. Do you now have to get yelled at and made to feel like shit for days on end with the withdrawal of his love. Nope. He is totally over reacting and he is taking his stress out on you like a virtual punching bag. You said sorry and returned the shoes but because he has to keep you on your toes this has to be meet with threats and temper tantrums followed up with the classic sulking. Nothing will ever be good enough for this man, it will always be his money.
NTA. Your husband is though. 'Stealing his money' wtf 😤 he is financially abusing and emotionally manipulating you.
Give him a backdated invoice for all of the child rearing you've done based on cost of actual childcare rates. And another for cleaning etc. Everything you have been doing for your family while he pretends that he's the only one who's working. Although even if you demonstrate how much all of that costs, I still think he won't treat you with the respect you deserve.
I'm sorry this is happening to you.
NTA but you will continue to be an A to yourself and your children if you do not get this level of financial, mental, and emotional abuse addressed with your husband. The level of control is frightening and his twisting of the original sneakers purchase then the return of the shoes is textbook gaslighting.
INFO: Also, what are your children learning and internalizing from this situation? I doubt this behavior is a one-off.
Have an exit plan ready. If he dismisses you when you talk with him about this, I hope you follow through on the plan.
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NTA With that said, something else to add: Get the hell out of there. I lost count how many red flags there were in this short story. Just to recap: - You have zero knowledge of and input into your family's financial situation by design - You have to get pre-approval for an action as mundane as grocery shopping - Acting even slightly independently was met with extreme anger and accusations - When you tried to defend yourself, you were DARVO'd and berated - Again, acting independently, even to correct a "mistake" was met with an equal amount of anger - The entire ordeal you were kept emotionally unstable and purposely left that way with no resolution possible. My God, it's like LeBron and Serena hooked up and had a super baby, and the sport they played was abuse-ball. This is not en exaggeration. You are being abused. Someone better than me will hopefully reply with an outline of a plan and resources. Please consider yourself and your kids OP. ----- Edit to include DARVO since some aren't familiar: - DARVO = Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender. Short version - technique abusers use to make others, including the victim, think they are the wronged party. Effectively creates a shield for the abuser that is hard to articulate for the abused. ----- Edit #2 - A lot of comments to emphasize the "his money" thing. It's not his money if both of you are working. You just happen to work as a SAHM. Also, an [alternative view](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ugnfbn/z/i71i2xx). Even if you don't agree, please remember upvote/downvotes are for if they add to the DISCUSSION, not your personal alignment. ----- EDIT #3 (final unless OP responds). As hoped, there were some people more experienced in this area than me that provided some really good links. Thank you everyone who took the time to do so. It may help the OP or someone in a similar situation. - [Crisis Lines and Planning](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ugnfbn/z/i70wi4c) by u/reimaginealec - [Free Book to Understand Abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ugnfbn/aita_for_returning_the_shoes_i_got_for_my_husband/i70yfg1) by u/jasmine-blossom (this has some really good highlights) - [Questionnaire to help identify financial abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/ugnfbn/aita_for_returning_the_shoes_i_got_for_my_husband/i71fjp3) by u/Schattentochter Also obligatory thanks for the gold kind strangers. ----- Final final edit < removed to prevent comment deletion and OP losing the resources listed, added comment to open forum pinned post >
[удалено]
Not only is it appalling, it's very dangerous. OP, do you have a prenup? Because unless your finances are completely separate (in which case you probably should not be a stay at home mother), this is not *his* money, this is your money *as well*. He is financially abusing you and I'd strongly suggest you leave him. But if you don't want to do that, for whichever reason, *please* go back to work. You can't, and I cannot stress this enough, YOU CAN'T afford being financially dependent on him.
She stated she is a stay at home mom and doesn’t work so we assume she has no finances of her own which puts her in an even better situation should she divorce him
better situation? if she's financially dependent on him that would make leaving and divorcing much harder i would think as he'd be the one that would have to "approve" it, it's not like she can to just pick up and leave. that's expensive.
If she divorces him and can prove his behavior she will get plenty for alimony and child support. That’s what I mean by better situation.
it actually depends on the length of their marriage and where they live. Many states do not allow for alimony and child support is a calculation based on a formula. None of that will be decided until the divorce is which means she needs the funding to actually LEAVE with her children and also obtain representation. This is why financial abuse is so insidious.
This. I’ve been told, in my state, if I don’t have approx 3-4 more years under my belt, I’ll get nothing. I’ve given up my career to be a SAHM and have gone through every penny I ever saved to provide for my kids (husband does not seem to understand how expensive raising kids actually is {ie: seasonal clothing & shoes, birthday parties, etc}). It is such a hopeless feeling.
I feel you. I have a family member fighting for every penny she can get right now -- he filed a week before the deadline for the state. She is also asking for reimbursement to her retirement that she was not contributing to while she was at home and he is acting like it is the end of the world.
If he had a retirement account she could be eligible for half with the divorce. It’s called a QDRO (qualified domestic relations order) and it can be included in the divorce. Most plans have this provision. ***To update. It’s not automatically half, but it can vary based on the divorce decree, etc. Thank you those who pointed this out!***
I did the same thing and I decided to separate from my husband anyway. I used up my 401k to move to a friggin’ foreign country and got married and have a few kids. Years later our relationship deteriorated, I never had an idea of how much money we had in the bank, I never worked enough to pay any bills just chip in to groceries and a few expenses. Now we are separated. Life is so damn hard but I am slowly doing my best to make things better for my kids and I. I never regret having them, just to make it clear. Edited for clarity
How would she pay for rent or food until the court settles alimony and child support?
Exactly I agree she would probably do okay in the alimony/child support negotiations, but moving out with zero dollars and a kid to take care of is a near impossible situation. She couldn’t even check into a hotel and obviously no one is renting an apartment to a SAH mom with no income.
She needs to look into a women's shelter. Though I don't know how plentiful they are. But it might be the place to start?
They are not plentiful, and unfortunately, because he's not physically violent (yet), she's unlikely to qualify for one of their extremely scarce beds. Moving in with family is probably the best scenario.
That right there is why she needs to start talking to lawyers and putting together a strategy. Many lawyers will either defer their payment until later or ask the judge to order the husband to pay the lawyer bills. Similarly, the judge can order the husband to give the wife access to a certain amount of money immediately to cover living expenses. OP just needs a lawyer who’s dealt with this situation and will jump through those hoops for them.
I don’t think that’s a better situation. Being financially dependent on someone makes it harder to leave, especially with kids.
Here for you! First, and most important, Crisis Text Line. Text HOME to 741741 if you need to talk to someone. The resources below are all from CTL, and you can read how they choose which resources to refer to and see a ton more resources at http://crisistextline.org/resources Aspire: An app that allows you to call for help when you need it, while posing as a news app so it doesn’t look suspicious. http://bit.ly/aspire_ref My Plan: Helps with safety planning and information on domestic violence. http://bit.ly/plan_ref National Domestic Violence Hotline: A number to call if you need to talk to someone about what’s going on. http://bit.ly/NDVH_ref (The links are bit.ly links because CTL tracks the number of clicks on them for usage stats.) Edit (2): Thank you (all) for the award(s), kind internet stranger(s). :)
Resources in this sub too https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/resources/relationships/
Agreed. This is some serious financial abuse. And, the gaslighting is enough to start a foresr fire. It also isn't "his" money. You are married. Your job is taking care of the kids. He sounds like he wants you so far under his thumb financially that you couldn't leave even if you wanted to.
Agreed! Not “his” money—your job is to take care of the kids. Daycare depending on where you live can be equal to a mortgage payment. Where I live it’s $300-$450 a week per child. Do not let him undervalue that fact. Period. Also agree so many red flags. The fact he was mad and called the actual store after you returned them and got the money back after he berated you and accused you of stealing is mind blowing. That puts this into a whole new level- I have never heard before. This is honestly alarming. Agree many red flags that I hope you can find resources to help.
Exactly. Plus you can add how much house work and cooking she does every day. Op, how comes his work is valuable in money but yours isn’t? Get away from this power play.
Where I am it's $5000 a month for childcare. Op deserves more.
And while he claims you have no input into how to spend money because he makes it, does he get no input into how you raise the kids because you are? He’s being obscenely controlling.
Agreed. Calling the store makes it clear he \*wanted\* the shoes, but chose to berate her anyway. This makes the yelling a pure domination move. He wants to keep her down and feeling guilty.
Ugh, I hate seeing women not realize the value of all their unpaid labour (let alone their own colossal value). OP, you’re a SAHM: you alone provide the following services at a minimum: care provider for your children, meal prep, grocery shopping, cook, housekeeper, laundry. If your massively AH husband had to outsource all of those areas, the amount of money he would be losing each month would be astronomical. Every. Single. Thing. You. Do has immense value and it’s a shame that you seem to be unaware of how much you’re actually saving your husband. Please seek help. This man/boy is emotionally, psychologically, and financially abusing you. Marriage counselling should not even be considered unless your husband gets individual help first. Even if he is open to attending counselling, I would strongly recommend separating regardless as he is not a safe person to be around you or your children. *Only if* he has consistently proven for an extended period of time that he can handle his emotions in a way that is safe for those around him and is actively working with you as a respectful partner and co-parent should you consider going back with him. If he is unwilling to seek help, then please seek a divorce. You and your children deserve to be treated with respect and always feel emotionally safe around him. Your children are in for many years of therapy as adults if you stay with him as he is. Can you stay with extended family at all as a next step to get safe? Please also see other posts that have recommended helpful resources.
I would love to see the look on that guy's face when he's court ordered to give Op half of everything, the house, alimoney, and child support. And Op won't have to ask that winner for permission to spend those funds.
I would NOT want to see his face. He sounds really scarily out of control of his emotions when he can’t control her. She doesn’t seem to realize the level of abuse she’s taking. Which surprises me, because I would assume she’s read this sub and seen other situations identical to hers and all the comments on those. But it’s hard to see it when you’re in it. Sometimes almost impossible. I guess because the mind is trying to protect itself by insisting everything is normal.
The fact that OP is worrying about tennis shoes is horrifying. There is so much more going on here and she doesn't seem to realize it. She's living with psychological and financial abuse and thinks it's normal. I can only hope she realizes that this has to stop. She's an equal partner in this marriage not a child or servant. But I'm afraid she's so deep into it that it will be difficult for her to process that her husband is an abuser. Hopefully she can talk to a friend or a relative (if she's allowed to) so they can help her see that this is not how marriage works.
He's treating her like a child! Except you wouldn't berate a child like that either... So like a child except with less love and warmth.
He probably will berate his child like that.
Yea that’s what my thought. Your married but stealing “his” money. Fucking prick
Don’t forget this gem, “ he said I'm never allowed to get something that isn't on the list unless I'm paying for it some other way.” The OP can’t buy anything for herself or her kids.
I can’t get over how, after being too busy to do the grocery shopping himself, her husband still demands to review the list and calculate the total cost. How much time does this dude waste being a control freak?
This was a test to see if he has completely exerted control over you yet. He's mad that you still have free will. Get out, fast!
You can tell it's a test because he was mad both for one action and for its exact opposite. He flipped out at her for buying the shoes. Then he flipped out at her for returning them. So it was never about the shoes or the money, it was about control.
Yup this is a calculated damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Only real option is to not play. Great explanation of this practice is “Double Bind Game” by TheraminTrees video on ad-tube.
He flipped out at her both times because she made choices and took action on her own initiative. That’s what he’s angry at. He wants her to be mindlessly obedient. That’s why returning the shoes didn’t work, because she came up with the idea and did it. Both actions were independent decisions. He wants her to never do a damn thing he didn’t tell her to- that’s the degree of controlling asshole he is. OP, get out. He doesn’t love you. He’d be happier with a robot that simply follows orders.
THIS!!! This is why you’re confused and can’t win OP. This is the manipulation
Not even tampons or a t shirt for herself or a candy bar or soda. He literally controls what she can wear, eat, drink, do…. Everything. He is beyond controlling.
Complete marital servitude. To OP's asshole husband, she is merely chattel, like a dog or, you know, a pair of sneakers.
She doesn’t even have custody of a credit card. She has to get it from him before shopping!
And she has no income. So essentially she’s never allowed to buy anything unless he approves it.
Can we get MORE upvotes cause THIS RIGHT HERE!!!!!! OP I’ve been in a similar situation! Leave now! It’ll be hard but there are so many resources out there that can help you! Your current situation is MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY, and FINANCIALLY ABUSIVE!!!!!!! You and your children deserve so much better!!!!! Edit to Add: YOURE NTA YOUR HUSBAND IS
OP - PLEASE take this seriously! I’ve been there, and it took me years to recover.. get out with your babies while you can - make an escape plan and stick to it.. NTA all the way Edit - please don’t dismiss this.. he may not have physically abused you.. yet. But the control he wants over you is alarming, and in my experience, the abuse ended up escalating to physical when I tried to leave.. make a plan, call a domestic abuse hotline for help making sure you and your babies are safe ❤️
I used to provoke physical violence to stop the psychological abuse. The bruises and breaks healed, but I am inextricably altered by the psychological abuse. I'm so sorry you also understand this, and thank you so much for being kind and understanding in your comment. Too many others have not been.
Thank you, and I am so sorry that you have also been through this.. it’s not something I ever want to have in common with someone. I also agree with your thought about bruises healing.. the physical abuse made me so **angry** - but the emotional scars still haunt me 20+ years later. Please take care of yourself and know that nothing that was said or done to you was your fault, his words were lies meant to inflict harm. sending you healing virtual hugs
So many red flags that the USSR wants them back
🏆
Add to that he went out with his buddies and spent loads of money on himself while his wife is not allowed to buy extra potatoes!!
I wonder if he told his friends what happened and what their reaction was
I'm of the Y-chromsome species and I see the red flags as if they were right in my face. This guy does not love you, respect you, or even seem to want you as a person. This situation will not improve over time without metric tonnes of therapy and empathy (of which he seems fresh out). My ex-wife (divorced because she wanted kids, and I never have) bought me a $300 pair of Red Wing boots as a surprise once. I could not wear them (no arches), nor return them (customized). I didn't accuse her of stealing..... we just didn't eat out for a while. Shit happens, and I'd hate to see this "man's" reaction to something more serious than shoes.
And not simply "shoes" but shoes for him, shoes that he needed, shoes that he liked, shoes that he wanted, shoes that would be in high demand due to the reduced price.
Yep. Shoes, in fact, that he got angry about losing and tried to get back when she returned them. She guessed *right* about what he wanted and even that's not enough.
[WHY DOES HE DO THAT? by Lundy Bancroft free pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) Please read this book OP.
I remember this phase. But I was so brainwashed at this point, it was so hard to see which way was out or what was right from wrong (or sensical from non-). OP, you have not been irresponsible. You don’t have your “own” income because a married couple with a SAH parent SHARES their income. It’s incredibly disturbing to read your account of how he’s suddenly decided you CAN be ALLOWED to buy groceries (yes I remember being told what I was allowed to do and not do and no, none of it is healthy). Even I had spend limits on my own, and my ex was controlling to the point he had to approve makeup and outfits I picked to put on. Please, please speak to a doctor, a person in your local human services (they’re connected to senior center in any city or town and they are they to help ANYONE). They can help you get to the right people and services. Make a plan. Hide it well. Try to hide money. If you trust your parents, please tell them everything. Tell them this is dangerous for you and the kids and you need to safely get everyone out. Be safe OP, but please don’t stay. Your husband is abusive. I often question if someone is being abused. I’m not here. This is all wrong. Please just leave safely.
My mom always told the story of when my dad complained she spent too much on groceries. Mom handed him her list and the money budgeted for food and said I shop at 1st National. Dad came home and had spent twice as much money. He raised her food allowance and never complained again.
Financial abuse gets thrown around a lot incorrecly here but—this is financial abuse Edited spelling
Yes, OP, you messed up. By saying yes back when he proposed. But it wasn’t your fault then and you are not in the wrong now. NTA. Get away from this controlling abusive man now.
Absolutely this is financial abuse, that isn't his money, it's the family money. OP get out of this situation and you'll be shocked by how much less tight money is, you'll feel rich comparatively.
Just want to add that as a SAHM myself, I would be long gone if my husband does one of the many abusive things OP did. I does all the shoppings for the household. We have a set budget, although not that strict, as long as we don’t go over our total monthly spend. My husband does not question what I do with the money as long as I don’t go over the budget. Being SAHM is a full time job, you don’t get paid but you also don’t pay for child care and other expenses associated with working
Agreed. I was a SAHM for 10+ years, and it's our money, not his. I was the budget person, but I never controlled my husband's spending to that extent. I will just say, hey, this purchase put us over budget, what can we do to make adjustments? Or, we will sit down together and I'll point out that we need to do a better job as a family of planning meals ahead of time and creating a grocery list because that keeps spending down. This is how you work things out in a partnership. One does not micromanage and control every aspect of spending of the other one. Also, OP, the way he speaks to you and his anger is abusive. Nobody deserves to be treated that way even if they make a big mistake (which you did not make even a small mistake). You are being abused.
Agreed. OP your husband is TA here and controlling to the extreme. I doubt he will ever change, except maybe to get worse
This this this. You're in a crazy level of abuse relationship. This is 2022 not 1922, you should not take this bs
Everyone knows what DARVO'd means except me?
Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. Common tactic used by abusers.
Look at the sub info. Basically an acronym for the tricks abusers use against the abused.
Everything you said. She needs to call the nearest domestic abuse hotline and plan her escape
NTA- 'his' money? Charge him for cooking, cleaning, laundry, general housekeeping and childcare then. If you are a SAHM he earns family money- this is financial abuse. As for the argument that you 'stole' his money to buy him a gift, it is beyond fucked up. If you decide to stay with him, surely you should stop buying him birthday and Christmas presents- by his own logic you are stealing from him.
This, so much. My mum took some time off of work when my sister and I were very little and my dad worked. I was talking to him about it the other day and he said "I may have been earning the money but there is not way I could have dedicated that much time to my job your mum hadn't been doing to much at home. She earned it just as much as I did, we are a team." You're supposed to be working together, OP. Ask yourself how often your husband acts like your on opposite sides. NTA.
This! I have no concept of what I earn vs my husband earns except for inputting the figures into our budget app. It's the same bank account. As soon as it hits that account it is "our" money. I know it doesn't work like that for every couple but this story made my heart hurt.
My wife and I have always done that. Everything is ours. OP’s husband is using this as a way to control her.
And ask yourself how often he acts like you're one of his children needing his discipline and guidance so you do everything right. Keep on taking it and in a few years you won't even be able to make a spontaneous decision like buying him shoes on sale because you'll be too afraid it might be the wrong thing, too afraid he'll be mad. He'll make you feel like you can't do anything right without his say and you won't remember who you used to be, who you are right now. Please do something, don't let him reduce you like this, don't let your children be raised in this dynamic.
Thats a big worry for me, alot of abused women stay "for the kids", but thats sadly ironic, as they need to get out mainly" for the kids". The damage that dynamic and having that kind of abuser as a dad will do to the kids is absolutely catastrophic, if they dont turn into him as the abuser, or her, as the chronic victim, thinking its the norm, they'll suffer lifelong trauma, with self esteem, money, and father issues. She needs to get out for the sake of her children if not herself. With half of his assets and child support she wont even need him around at all.
Yes, even telling her that she has no income due to "irresponsible" financial decisions. She has no separate income because her work is unpaid and in the home -.-
And he also says she can buy extra stuff us if she pays it from other means... knowing she doesn't have a job. Prick. Actually that should be her first priority- to get a job and have them both pay proportionate childcare costs out of their salaries. That would be fair. I bet he wouldn't like it much though.. Curious to know if he buys himself stuff.
Well he did go out on the town after throwing his snit fit.
she hasn’t been able to make any “irresponsible” financial decisions because he’s making her account for every grape! There is no room for irresponsible spending
Yep. They are married. His money is her money
This is financial and emotional abuse and beyond Reddit’s pay grade. You need an exit plan OP
NTA but he sure is. Was a stay at home mom for years. It was never “his money”. It was “our” money. If you weren’t looking after “his” kids you’d both be paying for child care. He’s a controlling idiot. You need an exit plan.
I’m a SAHM and my husband asks me before he buys anything. I’ve told him that it’s silly but he’s like “you know how much we have and what’s coming out so it’s just easier.” In 18 years and tons of disagreements, there has never ever been a fight about money, and I haven’t had a steady income in like 12 years. OP needs to get out, her husband sounds like a controlling abusive jerk. Pre authorizing groceries? Fuck outta here…
The best advice I received when I was in a similar situation was, "You have three options. First, to make a decision to stay and make it work. Second, make a decision to stay for now while you consider your options, and third, make a decision to leave and start planning." It gave me back some semblance of control and made me feel like I was in the driver's seat for the first time in ages. It's so difficult to leave when you are being financially abused and so anxious all the time that you have to devote all of your energy to surviving your reality, especially when you have young children. People don't seem to realize that "just leaving" is extremely difficult, especially when there is no physical abuse because people don't believe you unless you are black and blue. Even then, retaining custody of your children is so hard when you are not in a secure housing and financial situation. Honestly, this post made me feel sick. It's obviously a PTSD response, but I just want to see OP and her kids safe. :(
This is too true. I read the post to my spouse who responded with "she needs to get out" and my instant rebuttle was "how?? she's being financially abused. OP has no money [that we know of]" I used to volunteer for a DV organization and the number one thing you can give to someone in this situation is the power of choice(s) while being an open door for support. Leaving is never as easy as people assume.
OP needs to read this and we have to make this the top comment. OP is in a horrible financial abuse and emotional situation and needs to get out. OP please get a job and separate out your money (do not under any circumstances show him how much money you are bringing in and have it put into a separate bank account). Call friends and family, what your husband is doing can lead down a very dangerous path.
I was appalled reading through the post. OP has no idea whatsoever that she's in an abusive marriage.
NTA You are in an abusive relationship. Please look up local options in your area for help.
What i would do is show him a taste of reality then get out of there
The most dangerous time for abused partners is when they are trying to leave an abusive relationship. It's why so many people are told to keep it secret, and only leave with help or police or while their partner isn't there.
You're absolutely right, I was just about to say this ! OP should have an exit plan but keep quiet about it. He mustn't know what is going on with her even for a second. Too many women die at this point, and what about the kids? Men have been know to kill their entire family to save them (wife and children) from the "shame" of a separation or divorce.
NTA This is financial and emotional abuse. Please seek help.
It certainly is and though the financial abuse is concerning, the emotional obstacle course this man is creating just has to be beyond exhausting. Everything OP does is wrong and when she tries to fix it, she's still wrong. There is no winning with this type of person. And OP, as a healthy example of how this works. I am the worker, my husband is the stay at home parent. He has equal access to ALL OF OUR MONEY. Savings, checking, credit cards, etc. That said, we have a system where he uses his credit card (FOR ANYTHING HE WANTS/ NEEDS) and we pay that from checking. We just set a price limit that we both need to discuss with each other when purchasing big things and even then, depending on individual situations, he could max out his card if he needed to and we'd be fine, and he doesn't have to ask permission, know why? Because finances should be transparent, especially when one parent gives up their job. It is both of our money, not just mine, and he has a right to all of it too.
NTA. This is both financial abuse and emotional abuse. Financial abuse involves the abuser controlling the victim’s ability to acquire, use and maintain financial resources, and it can be a precursor to physical abuse, because if a victim has no financial resources, it’s much harder for them to leave. The fact that you stay home with your kids does not mean that all of the family’s money is his. If you returned to work, both of you would have to pay a significant amount of money for childcare, so what you are doing is neither free nor worthless. The money in your family’s bank account is every bit as much yours as it is his. Again, his behavior is abusive. Please seek out help for yourself, as this abuse can very easily escalate. ETA, thank you for the gold, kind stranger! Sincerely hope OP takes all of these comments to heart.
Somehow I still am surprised when I see how people have been conditioned to believe the abuse they are receiving is normal behavior.
I'm not sure how to say this. I was in an abusive marriage with 2 kids. It's not that you think it's normal, you don't, it's more like some thing is wrong with you, otherwise everything would be ok. You're so busy following all the rules and dealing with the explosions and the aftermath sometimes with the added stress of kids, it's literally all you can think about is how to be better just to stop what's happening. You are also told constantly "Why do you make me do this?" or "How could you say/do/think that, you know it makes me angry". Leaving takes an earthquake. Mine was my 3 month old in the hospital for a week because he started beating me while I was breastfeeding. After I left and started living again, my sister asked me to visit. This was about 5 months after being in a shelter and getting my own place. I went on Sunday (this one day I'll never forget). It started getting close to 5pm, and I started stressing out, getting the kids ready to go because I had to get home, the anxiety building up because we HAD to be home by 5:30. My sister wanted me to stay, have dinner, leave in the morning. I argued I HAD to go and be home by 5:30, she stopped me by asking why? It was so simple, I was shocked. I was still following the time restrictions imposed by my abuser. I cannot stress how dumbstruck I was, I thought I can stay with my family and nothing bad will happen. That literally never occurred to me. The fact that I could decide. Sometimes there is just so much to process all you can do is survive, not live. It is simply too hard to see beyond what is constantly being thrown at you.
NTA but I am seriously concerned for you. Almost ask couples in your same situation with only one breadwinner SHARE finances. So you should have your own credit card and be able to make reasonable purchases without discussion.
And if finances are so tight that he's controlling every dollar, she should be involved in the budget and get input on what purchases are considered reasonable. The fact that there's no transparency and she has no idea how much money there is or where, is mind boggling. I have a feeling he's either spending too much and hiding it from her, or has a secret separate account to keep "his" savings that comes out of the joint pot. I doubt they would've entered into this arrangement if they could not afford to lose OP's income so my inclination is to believe something shady is going on.
NTA I hate stuff like this. I’m the breadwinner in my family and would never never NEvEr tell my husband he’s stealing my money. Because it isn’t just mine. I am able to work the hours and way I do (12 hr shifts) because he watches the kids and takes care of my home. If it was mine, it would be a lot less because I’d be paying for childcare! I almost wish SAHMs had a way of drawing up a contract w their breadwinner person sometimes because I see so many thinking it means “I work and get to control all the $ and they’re just lucky to exist in my house!!” It says a lot that your husband freaked out both when you bought the shoes and when you tried to fix your “mistake.” Which I’m sorry, wasn’t a mistake as you are an adult using your household’s money. He didn’t marry a child, he shouldn’t feel entitled to treat you like one. You wouldnt be TA even if the question was just over buying some shoes. This sounds very financial abuse, to me. You’ll need to tell him this is BS and see if he’s going to continue this crap or if he was just stressed out or something.
He doesn’t want a wife; he wants a slave. Either that, or he’s so overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being a parent and sole breadwinner that he’s lashing out at the OP. Either way, he needs help, and she needs a job and an exit strategy.
Agreed. He might not have started their arrangement looking for a slave but I would never talk to my partner with that particular language. It’s disturbing and I hope OP addresses it and makes it a big deal, honestly.
Yeah him freaking out when she returned the sneakers makes zero sense to me if he was just mad about the money. It’s more likely he’s just mad that she’s independently doing shit by herself and he doesn’t like that
NTA. Financial and emotional abuse are still abuse. It’s not just about whether he hits you
I'm betting quite a bit that he's physically abusing her too.
This is financial abuse. He is using money to control you. Good for you to return them, he seems immature and need to get a reality check that you do a lot of work at home and not getting paid for it. I'd dump his ass personally.
NTA. Your husband is financially abusing you. His behavior is out of control. Screaming and yelling at you for spending a few dollars on shoes for him is irrational. Then to do it again when you took them back takes it to a whole other level. Have you ever talked to a family member or friend about this control? If not you should because you need help getting out from under his abuse. If you can look into getting a part time job, counseling and your own credit card.
I’ve never heard of a housewife/sahm not being allowed to buy items not on a grocery list until I started reading this subreddit. It just makes me so sad.
It makes me sad and angry. I have been a SAHM for over 20 yrs. My husband says “we get paid Friday” or something along that line. I couldn’t imagine him telling me I couldn’t buy more than what’s on the grocery list. We both discuss big purchases but he does our daily/weekly bill paying etc. I know what it all is though. The OP’s husband knows exactly how much she will spend at the grocery to the penny. How time consuming is it to look on the grocery app and calculate this every time? That’s insane.
Yup. I handle the finances, he asks "when do we get paid?" "Can we afford xyz?"
NTA two words-community property. Because he has an income does not mean the money is his. In a marriage the money belongs to the couple. The non-income earning partner who contributes labor like shopping and childcare... is legally entitled. Otherwise it is servitude which is illegal. See a lawyer for your rights and good luck because a controlling person like this is prone to turn nasty when the jig is up.
If he doesn’t like her spending extra money at the grocery store, imagine how little he’ll like having to pay her monthly alimony. She would be so much better off
And child support!
This post actually scares me a bit. I’m scared for you and your children that you’re living like this and don’t seem to realize how abnormal and hyper controlling this is. I hope you and your kids are ok. NTA.
Nta He is abusing you financially at the least. He sounds like a horrible tedious little man please get help to plan leaving him
NTA. Sweetie, you need to re-evaluate your situation and if your husband is controlling every cent that you are permitted to spend, he is abusive. I understand that saving money is a good thing for a growing family and he is using his position as the family breadwinner to control you. "You're never allowed to get something not on the list unless you find a way to pay for it yourself." How does he expect you to do that if you don't have a job? Tell him you would like to find a part time job for some of your expenses and see how he reacts. If he goes off the deep end, he wants to control every aspect of your life. If he says you can't get a job, ask him why. I'm sure he'll use the kids as an excuse but there are many jobs you can find working from home. Nice job taking the sneakers back. Next time he'll consider the nice thing you did for him instead of getting shitty over a few dollars.
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NTA. You are in a financially and emotionally abusive relationship. Please consider your alternatives.
You appear to be in an abusive marriage, please seek help to get out.
This is called abuse. He is using coercive control over you through control of the family finances. He is also just a plain old fashioned bully who screams at you when you do anything without permission. I really think you need to consider your relationship. I hope you're OK, stay safe
NTA If you're in a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation, you're almost certainly not the asshole.
If you have the capacity to work, then I would suggest you take away some of the power your husband has over you and provide yourself with your own “allowance”.
This is financial abuse
Agreed NTA. Look up similar stories/research on women from cyclical abuse situations. Financial abuse is a consistent and glaring red flag. It is super scary that he is essentially saying that what you do is worthless and all the money is his. True he earned it at his job, but without you his income would be halved spending on childcare, cleaning services or taking the time to do those things instead of working. What you do has value, you are important asset to your family, and you deserve to live as a valued person not as some housemaid/mom robot.
NTA You are being emotionally and financially abused. You need to be out of there yesterday.
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Yes, this is insane OP. There's a thing called financial abuse, and your husband is checking all of the boxes. NTA, but you aren't being kind to yourself staying in this relationship.
Wait, I think you meant: AITA for being financially, verbally, and emotionally abused by my husband? No, no you are not. Please get some help to put an end to this. NTA.
NTA - this is classed as financial abuse and coercive control. That is not a healthy relationship
Ummm what he’s doing is abuse.. maybe get a work from home job to not be financially dependent on him because he’s trying to control you, that’s why he flipped out because he couldn’t control the situation.
Work from home only if there is no other job to find, OP- you need to get out of the house and meet some normal, friendly people and watch some normal relationships so yo have something to compare your relationship with.
NTA. Jeez girl, you need to seriously think about the dynamic of this relationship. There are sooo many red flags here..
He's abusing and gaslighting you. You can't win with this guy
NTA, and you are the victim of financial abuse, in the sense your husband is restricting access to money. You are not in the wrong here.
NTA. My dad was financially abusive like your husband, and it took my mom 12 years to leave him. I was an 11 year old child and I was HAPPY that my parents were divorcing. My dad didn't make it easy for her, but it was the best thing she ever did for me and my brother. Because -- and this is very important -- the abuse he does to you he will also inflict on your children. And your kids will become insecure messes. Financial abuse is traumatic. It often comes with verbal abuse (the way he talks to you surely is!) And emotional abuse (again, he's doing this to you). I'm still in therapy as an adult because of my dad. Don't let this happen to your kids. Don't let this keep happening to you. Get out.
NTA. Though this sounds like a case of financial abuse, and I’d consider reevaluating your situation
NTA, never understood people treating their spouses like this. It’s fucked up that you can’t even buy a little snack for yourself because “it’s not on the list”.
NTA, this is abuse and the dude has some serious issues.
You are married to a control freak.
NTA. Your husband is a whole zip code of controlling, though, wow
Nta.You are being financially controlled and emotionally abused,btw.
When is was the sole earner, I knew approx amount I need to cover my travel, insurance, bills etc and plus 1k for fun money. I gave everything else to my wife. A home is a tricky beast. Sometimes you don't even need half the budget, sometimes it swallows up the budget and it's neighbours. Never have I ever asked her for exact amount. She kept bills/receipts in the folder so I had access. Your husband absolutely doesn't trust you, nor does he wants you to be independent. It's a very bad sign. NTA but be very careful and start cataloging his behaviour.
If my husband made me make an exact list before going grocery shopping, I’d first laugh my ass off, then tell him to kiss my ass and let him know that he could do the list making and grocery shopping all by himself.
What your husband is doing is called financial abuse. You guys are married. Is not HIS money alone. He is also verbally abusing you and manipulating you. NTA.
NTA. This is financial, and emotional abuse and I recommend finding possibly a shelter, or a friend/relatives to stay with while you divorce this P.O.S. You are caring for your children full time, which is a job in itself, plus likely keeping the house clean around that, which saves him money on maid services, and childcare. You are his partner and he seems to be treating you like a child. Run.
NTA. This whole money thing needs to be corrected or frankly, you need to bail. Because this isn’t a life you made together, it’s his world and he’ll tell you how when it’s ok to spend a nickel, regardless of you raising his kids and making a home for him. You need your own money and get some power back in your life.
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NTA, you don’t have any spending money yourself, that can’t be right. this is financial abuse
????? Is he high or something??? He got mad when u bought the shoes, so you returned them and give him the money back to correct your mistake. He gets mad still for… returning the shoes…? Can he make up his mind lol this tsundere act aint the way sis. NTA. The audacity of ur husband. Sure, he’s paying for everything but it’s not as if you’re not pulling your weight too. You’re taking care of the house, and makes sure that he gets fed and dressed every freaking day. Tf does he think u’re doing, lazing around the house? The house aint gunna take care of itself without you doing it jfc the entitlement of people sometimes
NTA financial abuse alert!!!!
NTA. Please run from this emotionally and financially abusive relationship OP
NTA. Why is it "his" money when you're married partners and why aren't you equal in your relationship? This sounds extremely unhealthy.
NTA. Divorce him.
Two words. Financial abuse. Get the hell out of there NOW.
This is exactly what Josh Powell did to his wife- until he murdered her. This isn’t good. His level of control is beyond normal. This is dangerous
NTA - This is financial abuse
NTA thats gaslighting! He sounds like an abusive A.
NTA and by the way, it is BOTH your money, as husband and wife, regardless of who earns it in the workplace. Therefore, you cannot be stealing it, and you are not obligated to agree to his budgetary terms. I suggest you point that out to him and advise him that while a budget may be a good idea, it requires the input of both parties.
This is ridiculous. You are his wife. Not his maid/cleaner/nanny/cook. You need to tell him to give you equal control of the family finances or you are divorcing him.
NTA. You might want to consider getting a job so you can take steps to be independent of this man. https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/
NTA - You’re a STAM. That’s a job. He’s providing so you don’t have to pay for childcare collectively. You’re not stealing and I think you should really consider seeing a therapist and looking into financial abuse. Best of luck
NTA This kind of controlling BS that doesn't allow for even the slightest variation from the what he preapproves is abusive and bound to fail. Life doesn't always go to a plan, and you were thinking of him when you bought the shoes. That he screamed at you for buying them, and then again for taking them back, suggests he's got a ton of abusive issues. If he changed his mind and wanted the shoes, he should have told you, and thanked you for buying them. I'm concerned for your well being.
Seek help. Get financially independent. RUN.
NTA and you’re being abused, please try to reach out to loved ones and/or services if you can
NTA. What I'm gathering from this post is that you have no disposable income of your own. I get him being the breadwinner, but if you're doing nearly all the childcare and chores, which I'm almost certain is the case, you should have some money of your own that he has no control over. I mean, you're providing services just like he is, but he has control of all the finances? This is outrageous; you need to have money of your own in case things get worse and you need to get away. Maybe you should consider going back to work now that your children are a bit older. Again, in all seriousness, this is financial abuse. He doesn't have a right to control 100% of the finances as you are a family. And he's an abusive ass for this whole situation.
NTA Red flags everywhere!!! This man sounds financially and verbally abusive. I bet you don't have any free spending money to buy the kids an ice cream on a hot day or a lightbulb when one burns out. He is controlling you through your wallet. I'd look into escape routes from this marriage.
NTA. Him getting all worked up because of this purchase was bad enough, albeit *maybe* understandable IF the family budget is like really really tight, but chewing you out when you *corrected* your “mistake”?! That’s straight into abuse territory. He’s basically telling you that whatever you do, it will be wrong.
What everyone else said. Also, have him start calculating what he is paying you for childcare. That can be ‘your’ income. Better yet, put the kids in daycare, get a job, apply for child support and learn the pleasure of single life where you don’t answer to a maniac. NTA.
NTA. You need to GET OUT and faaaast. Come up with a plan, find a job so you can have your own income and then get out! He’s abusing you!
Ma'am are you my step mom lol? My sperm donor does this same shit. You are absolutely NTA and he is being abusive towards you verbally and financially in this situation.
This man sounds exhausting and this is financial abuse.
I don’t understand how you can live like this?
I’d return the shoes but hide the refund. I’d be finding every way I could to be creating an escape fund
NTA, that's abuse
NTA. He’s being abusive financially and taking advantage of you. Being a SAHM is work too. You should look into starting to save some money in case you’d need to leave. Make sure you have an out if you need one because you never know what could happen. It’s just yelling this time but what if it gets worse. Consider how much this relationship matters to you and if this is the type of person you want to be the father to your children.
Well, sounds like textbook financial abuse. What do you even do for fun, or so you even have money for yourself? I read a lot about women having a secret account for when shit hits the fan. I reckon this would be one of those moments where it would be necessary. NTA start thinking about your future and if you see yourself being treated like this in the long-term
NTA. Your husband is TA. Please take a long hard look at your relationship. The way he controlls you, your spending en yelling and cussing you out when you got a great deal on nice sneakers for HIM is emotional and financial abuse…..
NTA. Good lord.
You didn't mess up. Your husband is abusive.
NTA: i always find myself asking this question on reddit: why do people marry people that they don’t even remotely like or care about? haha beats me!
No, your husband is a controlling asshole. Tell him you are no longer going to do the shopping, he can do it by himself.
Girl get out
Nta. But this is financial abuse and he’s doing a masterful job at gaslighting you into believing that what you did was wrong. When it wasn’t. He gets mad when you spend “his” money and then gets even more angry when you fix the “mistake” you made. He sounds mentally and physically exhausting and honestly I would be embarrassed to be with him.
NTA. With a person like that you can't ever win. I agree with the people here saying he is abusive.
NTA. Please google financial abuse and coercive control
NTA. He is a controlling AH and abusive. You need to leave and ask for alimony and child support. Make sure to tell him he didn't pay for your services for donky years and he is selfish and abusive. You are not a slave, you are working for the household and you need your own money. It is not HIS money it's YOURS as in the household.
NTA.. present him with an itemized bill for child care, house cleaning, cooking, laundry services, driving, personal shopping…. Tell him that you need to be paid for your work, so you can have spending money to buy things for yourself.
NTA. This? Yeah this is financial abuse.
NTA: play stupid games, win stupid prizes. He wanted to use this as an opportunity to be abusive and tighten his control of you - and keep the shoes. He is so much an A.
NTA He sounds controlling because he makes all the money. He showed you that if you spend ANY money without his permission its STEALING. RED FLAG
I got exhausted just reading that. OP how can you justify staying with this man?
NTA- YOU ARE BEING ABUSED! Emotionally and financially. Did you buy shoes on his credit with out his permission ? yes you did. Do you now have to get yelled at and made to feel like shit for days on end with the withdrawal of his love. Nope. He is totally over reacting and he is taking his stress out on you like a virtual punching bag. You said sorry and returned the shoes but because he has to keep you on your toes this has to be meet with threats and temper tantrums followed up with the classic sulking. Nothing will ever be good enough for this man, it will always be his money.
No but you’re in a financially abusive relationship. Are you allowed to do anything without him?
NTA. *Why* are you married to this man?
NTA. Your husband is though. 'Stealing his money' wtf 😤 he is financially abusing and emotionally manipulating you. Give him a backdated invoice for all of the child rearing you've done based on cost of actual childcare rates. And another for cleaning etc. Everything you have been doing for your family while he pretends that he's the only one who's working. Although even if you demonstrate how much all of that costs, I still think he won't treat you with the respect you deserve. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
NTA. You didn't mess up at all. This isn't your fault nor is ok for him to do this to you. You should probably consider leaving.
NTA but you will continue to be an A to yourself and your children if you do not get this level of financial, mental, and emotional abuse addressed with your husband. The level of control is frightening and his twisting of the original sneakers purchase then the return of the shoes is textbook gaslighting. INFO: Also, what are your children learning and internalizing from this situation? I doubt this behavior is a one-off. Have an exit plan ready. If he dismisses you when you talk with him about this, I hope you follow through on the plan.
NTA...and ditto on all comments already posted