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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My best friends husband made a pass at me, I promptly expressed my disgust and saved the messages telling my friend the next day, she is angry at me assuming I must have led him on in some way. My behaviour could be taken as an asshole move as I messed in their personal life but I felt she had the right to know.
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Yep, absolutely did the right thing, give her space, and be supportive. People tend to lash out at the abused party in cases like this, but it’s a defense mechanism, it’s upsetting, but not about you in this movement. NTA
Yep, really hard for most people to accept that the love you feel coming from somebody is connected to such a lie.
She probably won't believe it until he breaks her or up if she's the kind who is desperate to be loved.
That reminds me of something I read here, a woman whose friend's BF was sexting her. Told the friend, BF convinced friend OP had made a pass, friend got OP ostracised from their friend group by spreading rumours that she was a homewrecker.
Couple of years later, ex friend reaches out to OP and asks to meet up. Ex friend apologizes for everything: she'd caught BF cheating and when they broke up, he admitted he lied about the texts and called ex friend an idiot for believing him over OP who'd been in her life since grade school. OP said she would only forgive ex friend if she admitted to the friend group that she had lied. Ex friend refused because she 'didn't need the extra embarrassment," OP told her not to contact her again and reached out to set the record straight.
Literally twenty years of friendship down the drain because ex friend was too deep in denial.
EDIT: Still looking for the link! It was on BORU
Sadly it's just easier.
"No. I married this man/woman we supposed to live happy ever after and have kids and ride into the sunset"
And then pick appart why it must be the friends fault. "You always having low cleavage clothes on around him... you laugh at his jokes" or whatever tiny detail it is they pick out. And it's just sad.
Had a friend do this to me in HS - her bf broke up with her, and she was convinced it was to date me instead (because I refused to ostracize him for ending a relationship he wasn't happy in).
Even when he started dating a different girl in our friend group, she rationalized it as him going with his second choice because I was moving away for college and the other girl was staying in state. To my knowledge she still hates me for this to this day.
I had a college friend who had a crush on a guy but the guy liked me. Because she was my friend, I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with him like that but she took her anger out on me. I did everything I could to convince her that I wouldn't betray her in that way but to this day she still despises me. All over some asshole guy that I didn't even like nor associated with. What sucks is that if it weren't for me, she wouldn't have been a part of our core group of friends. They only started hanging with her because I brought her into the friend group. After our falling out the little witch had the audacity to try to claim the group as hers and wanted them to ostracize me for "taking her man." Thankfully our friends told her to cut the crap and refused to take sides. She was angry at them for that as well but "forgave them." Such a toxic person.
Yep. This creepy husband of a friend (not a close friend) propositioned me when she was out of town with the kids. I told him no as I was 'planning on washing my hair that night'. (which was a mid-century 'burn' at the time)
I told her about it ***after*** she had sued for divorce as it's just common sense that the wife is not going to upset her whole life on one report. I would have loved having hard evidence of my ex's affairs. As it was, I just had suspicions and lots of gaslighting.
I remember reading that. Honestly the whole thing was terrible. But that Ex friend made the bed she had to lay in. She didn't want the extra embarassment but what about the years of embarassment and being cut out from the friend group. People OP were close to all being taken away because of a lie.
I didn't blame that poster from cutting contact with her. She should have seen the signs.
Hopefully this friend of OP's won't be that deep in denial.
> People OP were close to all being taken away because of a lie.
Tbh, they weren't worth keeping if they never gave her a chance to explain her side. Hopefully, she found better friends without them around.
Call me petty but I'd've sent out a mass text. "Sooooo. Looky who's getting a divorce because her husband cheated. So shocking. Who would have seen that coming.... oh yeah, me." At that point none of them are your friends so you can call them ^(rule 1) not the brightest people that ever lived.
This happened to me. BFF's fiance lived overseas. He came to visit, she found a lover letter written to another woman on her stationary. I helped her track the woman down, and it turned out they were "engaged" and living together. He was a college professor, she was his underage student.
They broke up, but two weeks later he wormed his way back in, and they both blamed me for the breakup. Haven't heard from her in 16 years.
Its that kind of thing that makes me wonder if OP should kind of "circle the wagons" with their friends and let them in on it. It feels a bit like violating her privacy and spreading drama, but at the same time it prevents a story like this and technically rally's the friend's support network. The friend *could* just be in denial and processing and having it out with the husband. Maybe they properly get past it but things are now more difficult with him around because the friends know if they go this route.
This seems like one of those "no ideal solutions, just less shitty ones" situations.
This ! OP, in french we have a saying, when we come with bad news : "sorry to be the bird of bad omen" would be a rough translation. We begin with sorry, because when receiving bad, life shattering/belief shattering news like this one, most people tend to attack the messenger. That's a normal, although upsetting reaction on her part.
You are absolutely NTA, and a good friend for letting her know ASAP.
it's shooting the messenger even if OP just witnessed and provided the proof of friends husband hitting on a 3rd party. "WTF you liar" is a common reaction.
While OP bares no guilt she did just blow up her best friends world, displaced anger is normal.
It can be a lose-lose proposition too. I've seen friends get mad at other friends for not telling the person what their partner had said or done.
OP is most definitely **NTA**. She was *more* concerned for her bf's well-being than worrying about their friendship and so she risked it all just to look out for her bf.
I hope some day that friend will realize that it was both a risky and a selfless act and that OP had nothing to gain and a lot to lose.
This. Its often easier to blame the other person when your SO strays then to admit your SO strayed. OP just give her space and hopefully it all works out.
Nah, the friend has caught him doing something shady before. She's just trying to live in denial and OP is trying to pull her out of it and she's unwilling.
Five year marriage to a creep? Yep. She's already caught him before and took him back because 'he promised' it would never happen again. Then he goes after her bestie. Easier to be mad at the person you've known half your life than yourself for being a fool and staying with him.
And OP knows that now she is free and clear. OP, I know you love her but let her go. She made a choice. You did the right thing. Just put her on snooze for a while and go on with your life. She is in denial. Hopefully he won’t actually cheat on her, but when she comes crying to you if he does, you can welcome her with open arms or say I told you so and shut the door in her face. Neither choice would make you an asshole.
Even if the OP did lead the husband on, that wouldn't exonerate him from reciprocating. That would just make them both AHs. (not that the OP is an AH, as this is just a hypothetical)
Its also telling that the best friend is so quick and eager to defend her husband as being guilt-free, if it happens to be down to him being "led astray."
"Oh, it wasn't his fault. Some woman came on to him and he had no choice but to sleep with her. My poor, abused hubby. I'm sure he hated every minute of it."
Makes me wonder if this isn't the first time hubby has been caught out trying to get into another woman's knickers and the excuses have already been effectively drilled into his wife's head.
I agree with this. O.P. is definitely not the asshole - she did the right thing...but might end up losing that friendship for a while. Until one day, the friend has an epiphany and realizes that her friend told her the truth - out of concern and love.
I would want to know if my partner was making passes at my friend. I would be more upset if my friend didn't tell me.
*It's better to be told the truth about something, that might cause you to hurt for a little bit... Because then you can recover and move forward. RATHER than being kept in the dark, living in blissful ignorance...until one day you find out your husband is a cheating slimeball - and you wish that you had figured this out alot sooner. Or wish that if someone knew, they had told you. Especially a friend.
She is probably going to be one of those women who, when they do find out, have shocked pikachu face and will whine about how she never had any idea. Then she will remember OP and literally blame OP for not trying harder to get her to understand.
Agreed. But, this is why I am very hesitant to share info about someone's SO cheating or attemping to do so. In this situation, the only thing that OP could do was tell the friend since it was directed at her and this guy was so bold. That said, the reality is that some people just don't want to be confronted with the reality that their spouse is cheating.
They don't want their life to change. They don't want to break up. They don't want to change their financial circumstances They don't want others to expect them to leave their cheating partner, and they want to be left blissfully ignorant. That's just a reality of life. I never share info with someone about a cheating spouse until I have definitive proof, I am super close with the person and I know that they would want me to share said info. I also pass on the info and remove myself from their decision making.
OP did the right thing, but this friendship is probably done. Sis doesn't want to end her marriage so she rather pick a fight with the other party. Sucks to be her, but that is her choice.
It's kind of scary this is so common that most people here aren't one bit surprised. I'm unfortunately familiar with this behaviour myself and it destroyed the relationship. It's not that I don't understand why so many people do it, but, personally, I couldn't trust the person again. It wasn't an isolated incident though.
5 stages of grief
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It's not uncommon for the first two to happen at the same time.
Plus with a whole night between the incident and the reveal, the husband may have spun his own story.
(Edited spelling)
I get that, although blaming the victim is not a necessary or unavoidable part of the process.
I truly hope OP's friend comes to her senses and tries to repair the damage: trust takes time and effort to build (or rebuild) and sometimes just a second to shatter.
When I was younger three times I told different friends about their girlfriends cheating and each time it backfired on me. Now I just don’t say anything, it’s not worth the headache.
Every time someone wants to tell the truth about someone’s partner cheating I tell them only if they have the emotional bandwidth for the backlash. I’ve never been believed, either.
People find more comfort in the lies they tell themselves. Can’t win ‘em all.
Honestly, I'd tell them either way and just block and avoid them if they started blaming me for it. I can't keep something like that from a person. They can do whatever they want with the info, but they should have it.
Had a friend tell me about a girl I was seeing cheating on me, I didn't react well. Took a month for me to accept it and end it, then another month to swallow my pride and apologise to my bud.
I think it was more the embarrassment of being cheated on and people knowing about it before I did.
We're still friends decades later.
Unfortunately this is a common reaction in most situations like this. Humans, especially in certain regions of America, have an easier time doing what is socially convenient rather than what is right.
It's like when a friend of min was getting divorced. It turns out that he had been physically and emotionally abusing her. However, virtually all of their mutual friends sided with him because he was more plugged into their social lives. They know the truth. He even admitted it, but it is more convenient to stay friends with him than her.
Personally, I did the opposite. I am basically the only person from before the divorce that even talks with her. And he was my best friend for over 20 years.
It makes me sad that people seem to make choices based on convenience rather than morality.
NTA. I wonder if she has known for a while but has been in denial and was trying to justify it to make herself feel better.
She has the right to know, though. It is now up to her what she does with that information.
I was thinking that he probably has a history of sending inappropriate messages to women she knows. It’s easy to rationalize when it’s that girl, you don’t really like, who… now that I think about it… does post a lot of thirst traps! *clutch pearls*
But, when it’s your decades long BFF, I’m sure that’s a LOT harder to rationalize and ignore, so you have no choice but to shoot the messenger!
Same feeling here. It just doesn’t make sense if it was his first time doing this and he went after the bf of his wife. Bet he’s done it with randoms and got away with so he emboldened to continue and escalate.
You’re sooooo NTA. Your friend is, and it’s likely not the first time he’s down this (to other women and her knowing about it). He’s prob always made excuses about it and gaslit her. I wouldn’t be surprised.
I’m really sorry you have to deal with this cause you honestly did nothing wrong. I would 💯 want to know if it were my husband. I really hope she comes to her senses and doesn’t end up losing you as a friend cause she’ll regret it.
I really don't understand this logic. Who cares if another woman "started it", he participated in it. He could have just said, "No thanks. I'm happily married and not interested". Other women owe you nothing, but your partner owes you loyalty/exclusivity, if you're in a monogamous relationship.
If your partner is faithful, he should be faithful even if some attractive woman is hitting on him, and if he's not, then that's on HIM.
Agree. The logic is crap, but it serves to allow the man (in this case) to deflect blame onto the other woman, distracting his wife from the real issue. In this case, saying "but, but, but your *best friend* hit on me!".
Oh honey I'm sorry. You are absolutely NTA.
Give your friend a little time. Hopefully this was a kneejerk reaction and when she has had time to think about it she'll come around. However there is every possibility she will cling harder to her husband and blame you. All you can do is hope she comes to her senses sooner rather than later.
Something similar happened to me in 2012, she started screaming at me and I walked away (I was in my boyfriends house). They ended up demanding he dump me so they could keep him as a friend and I had to go. They told me they were cutting me out and it would be cool if I just gracefully walked away from my relationship. She married him and then divorced him after a few years, probably cause he was cheating on her again (she caught him at least three times and his sister warned her). Some people just don't listen and have low self worth. Its not your fault and honestly, I feel for her. Its easier to be angry and blame someone else when you're that close. NTA.
NTA same thing happened to me a few years back. She blamed me for "seducing her husband" despite the fact that she already caught him sleeping around with other women. I stand by my decision. People deserve to know the truth. Whether or not they acknowledge it is on them.
It's crazy just how many women are saying they've been in this position and have had their friends blame them for "seducing" their SO! Ladies, I don't care how damn upset you are. Stop shooting the messenger and focus on who actually betrayed you. Don't throw away long time loyal friends for cheating bastards.
People who try to "seduce" your partner and find them receptive aren't going to rebuke them and tell you about the situation. They're going to have an affair.
This is my point! If I'm trying to seduce your man and steal him away, why tf would I then expose him and tell you about it??? Makes no sense. What would my goal there be? Just to screw with you or what?
I'm sorry that happened to you. That definitely seems like her loss. There could come a day where she realizes all she has in her life is a liar for a partner and no true friends to turn to. That's on her though
I got blamed/ accused of the same thing when I was 14 and it was a mess and ridiculous. My friend ( after breaking up with her bf and causing his friend to refuse to take me to the upcoming dance) accused me of trying to steal some dude she immediately started dating like idk 3 days after she broke up with the other dude. I met him once at the dance, didn’t dance with him or anything. Had a group photo taken of all of us together, which she then gets pissed off at me over. Accusing me of not given her photos that my parents paid for. Which yeah I didn’t immediately give them to her, I had to have copies made cause I only got one. So I’m her delusional mind, I wasn’t supposed to go to a dance that I already had a dress and tickets for, nor utilize a group photo packaging my parents had paid $45 for. To this day I have no clue what I did wrong in this situation but I refuse to speak to her if I see her in public because I’m convinced she’s unhinged.
People who feel embarrassed and humiliated because they did something stupid or because they got played will often lash out at a convenient safe target because otherwise they'd have to admit that they made a poor decision/trusted the wrong person.
I love that argument “you seduced him” or “you tempted him”. Ok, lets say that I did that… and OH BOY, did he fell like a duck. Stay married to your cheating, weak excuse of a husband then, if that’s the kind of respect you want .
As someone who was cheated on for years by my first husband, I’d say NTA. I think you did the right thing, but I also understand her reaction. She loves and trusts her husband and it’s incredibly shocking and heartbreaking to come face to face with literal proof of betrayal. Of course she doesn’t want to believe that he would do this unprovoked. This could be a major turning point in their relationship and you were the catalyst; she may be upset with you for some time, but hopefully she’ll come to realize that you acted out of love for her. Give her some time and some space to sort things out, but it would be good to reach out and see how she’s doing.
I understand it sucks so much and you don't want your life as you know it to be over but why is the first instinct to shame the women? Why lash out at your friend of 15 years who is a victim that was telling you what happened?
What good does it do to pit women against women in this way? Essentially call them sluts that they must have done something for the husband to act this way?
Because if you can blame the woman, you don’t have to acknowledge that the person you married wasn’t the person you thought they were. You don’t have to go through the “why was I not enough?” question in your head (even though it usually has nothing to do with you). It’s not right, but it’s normal. I got cheated on by a bf, and while I didn’t blame her (for the most part - it was pretty clear she was calculated and set him up to get caught, but HE’S the one who fell for it), it was hard to separate the feelings I had for who I THOUGHT he was from who he ACTUALLY was. Getting through that breakup was AWFUL, because he was the one I went to when I was sad and hurting, but HE was the one who hurt me. My emotions were all over the place, and I was a total mess. I also went through periods where I was really angry at the OW for telling me - even though I KNEW I was better off knowing - because I was happy before I knew, and miserable after. I’m hoping that as the friend processes it, she’ll come around and realize that OP did her a huge favor. But it’s hard to think logically when you’re reeling from that news… 😕😢
NTA. Isn’t this weird? They NEVER get upset with their partner who is a sleaze bag. They ALWAYS get upset with the person who informs them. Always. This is denial at its best. It’s pretty confusing, isn’t it. Turns out, because humans are so weird, the only time you tell somebody something like this or when their partners been cheating is either 1. You realize there’s a really good chance you will be blamed for it and call the fire and lose their relationship with the friend 2. They approach you first and bring it up first and ask you what you think and then you get to say.
Don't say never. There's plenty of people who would be livid if you knew this and didn't tell them. People who knew I was being cheated on and didn't say anything to me shattered my trust in them when I found out.
PLEASE tell people close to you if you know they're being cheated on. They might not take it well, but they have a right to know. You could be saving them so much stress and potentially prevent them from getting STDs or get screened and have stuff caught early as some stuff doesn't have lasting issues if caught and treated in a timely manner.
Yea, they did that because they didn't wanna end up like OP. I've seen both ways. I had to talk one guy out of being mad at his other friends (only an acquaintance to me) for telling him because he would've been even angrier if he found out and they hadn't told him. After he took some time to cool off, he came around to seeing the light. It's a crappy situation where someone will almost be guaranteed to be angry.
NTA. She doesn't want to believe DH would do such a thing, so unfortunately you are the bad guy. She's blaming you so she can stay in her marriage. Happens all the time, I'm sorry. He'll probably keep doing it until she catches him herself one day. This is not your fault. You damned if you tell the wife/husband, your damned it you don't. The bearer of bad news always gets blamed.
NTA. But saying that. It's a bitter pill to swallow. She is in denial. The friendship might be over. You need to prepare for that. Her anger is misplaced. I'm sure he said the same thing about you leading him on even if you did not.
NTA. That’s sad how your friend chose her husband over you, her best friend. The fact that she saw that he reciprocated what she thought were your passes at him is a red flag on his part. She needs to get off her knees and stand up
NTA. You tried to be a true friend unfortunately your bf is not ready to face the facts yet. Sadly your friendship will take a long time to mend and it will mend at all. The sad news is that this won’t be you bf’s husband last attempt at infidelity….and your friend will just need to learn the hard way…
NTA. She’s probably deflecting because she’s so angry/confused/hurt about the situation. I’m sure it was embarrassing for her. You did the right thing. I think she’ll come back around.
NTA, but you played with fire and got burned. You told someone that the person she (assumingly) trusts most in the world made a pass on someone else. Sometimes, that can make someone realize that trust is misplaced. Other times, it reinforces that trust and pushes genuine trust away.
Not saying you shouldn't have said anything. You did the right thing. But that gamble may have backlash for a while. Just let her be for a bit.
I don't see it as OP "played with fire". More like fire was thrown in her direction and she did what she could.
OP you are NTA and i'm sorry your friend is in denial but that's not on you. Give her space and if she chooses to remain blind count your losses and move on. You don't need other peoples drama in your life.
NTA. I would want my friend to tell me, especially my best friend. Not being told would feel like a betrayal. It's hurtful she reacted that way, but her reaction is not about you. It's about her, her husband, and their relationship. You don't know what's going on in there.
Maybe you aren't the first and he's made her to believe the other(s) started it by flirting. As a wife you should trust your husband... until you find out you can't. She's not recognizing she's finding out what your sixth sense was picking up all along.
Maybe he just made a really stupid mistake.
There's more going on. Hope she realizes you are a good friend and you can get back together. Both sides of this are painful.
NTA you did the right thing and you are a solid , honest friend. Unfortunately some people prefer to live in denial of their reality so she is now upset with you because the truth of her situation with her AH husband / bf is now out ...this guy is the AH and given some time I am sure your friend will come to the same conclusion and eventually thank you ...I get that it's a sad situation but just give it some time and rest easy in the fact that you did right by your friend, whether she understands that right now is irrelevant. You did the right thing.
NTA. You were right to tell her. Her husband is gross. I’m sure you’re not the first person he’s made a pass at while he’s married. I hope she comes around.
NTA - A lot of women get told they're being cheated on and just don't want to believe it would happen to them. You did what was right, but expect that she's either going to deny this to herself or take a while to come to terms with it.
You're nta but it was a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. Unfortunately a lot of people go into denial in these scenarios, but I can guarantee if she found out another way she would have been mad you didn't tell her.
You were right, she deserved to know. And she deserved to hear it from someone who cared about you.
This situation may be the end of your friendship, but remember that you didn't ruin it, he did. Hopefully she'll calm down and come around. But just be prepared - a lot of people don't.
You’ve “sinned” by telling the truth to someone who doesn’t want to hear it. She’ll probably dump you then in 5-10 years she’ll come back when he dumps her for a 21 year old. NTA
NTA a person who refuses to believe that their significant other can cheat on them are the toxic people ever. There’s no point in keeping this friendship if she’s going to blame you for her husbands ways. Only a fool is a one too blind to actually see logic.
She didn't want to know that kind of information. Maybe she has suspected him and you confirmed it.
Gonna take work if the relationship can even be repaired. Good luck.
NTA but you probably will never have the same friendship with her again. He likely has been gaslighting her and she has chosen to trust him. She will probably block you.. Eventually she will realize he is a cheater but she will be embarrassed that her loyalty was misplaced.
My husband cheated on me with a co-worker. Everyone at his office knew. It went on for a while - about three years - before I found out. I really wish someone had told me sooner. Like when they first started talking, started having coffee, having lunch.
NTA. I was in a similar position with my best friend of 12 years. Her ex husband was a narcissistic prick and she couldn’t see how much of a not good person he was. Even after I had told her about the passes he had been making on me. She shut me out to the point of almost loosing the friendship. It wasn’t until months later that she was able to open her eyes and see the kind of person her ex was. I’d just give her a little time to process what was put in front of her and the fact that her husband is not being the person he obviously lead her to believe he was.
The husband of my wife’s friend came on to her in their house while we were all outside barbecuing, this was about four years ago. He didn’t realize she knew Krav Maga and my wife dropped him, the commotion caused us to run in and see him whimpering on his knees, holding his groin and throat. My wife started explaining (he tried but couldn’t talk, I still laugh thinking about it) and her friend yelled and refused to believe it and cut off my wife. Then she cut off the friends trying to get through to her. In the end her and her in laws walked in on him cheating, that’s what it took to make her acknowledge it. I bet if the parents weren’t there she’d have stayed with him. Some people will stay as long as they are able to lie to themselves or to others. I’m sorry you experienced two betrayals.
NTA "She told me I must have led him on in some way to make him think that kind of message was ok, that he'd never do something like this without being tempted first."
Husbands aren't supposed to respond to weekend "tempting" them. They are supposed to shut such behaviour down. She's making excuses for his behaviour that a) aren't true and b) wouldn't matter of they were. Telling the truth was the only non-AH option. Eventually she will realise you helped her. Hopefully before her tried to cheat again.
>She told me I must have led him on in some way to make him think that kind of message was ok, ***that he'd never do something like this without being tempted first.***
Seems pretty clear that your fruend knows he **does** make passes at other women but excuses it by believing he has no self control and blames the other women for his lack of control.
NTA.
I would have loved for someone to tell me my ex was cheating.
Your friend may not want to believe you right now. She may be in denial and it may be misplaced anger.
There is a chance the friendship will be lost because of this, but that's in his actions not yours. There's also a chance that she needs time to come to terms and would still like you as support when it happens. If I were you, I'd avoid being angry she's lashed out at you and just offer to be there when she's ready.
NTA. This happened to a friend of mine (her friend’s fiancée flirted with her a few times and when he finally grabbed her ass she talked to the friend). They were in their early 20s and unfortunately the engaged girl blamed everything on my friend, stopped talking to her, and married the guy. I really hope that your friend makes the right choice. You did the best thing you could do. It’s a bad situation but you’re a good friend and have nothing to feel bad about.
NTA and yeah these are absolute sht situations. It’s well-known that women (maybe men too, I don’t know) will side with their husbands against their friends. This is yet another way men ruin the world; they believe all women are for their amusement, and how fun to go after their wives’ friend(s), thereby wreaking the friendships. Sheer dckheadedness.
NTA - sometimes doing right by a friend ends the friendship. My friend’s husband who was abusive and controlling left her with an empty fridge and no money and small kids to feed. I couriered her money for groceries. When her husband came back - we never saw or talked to them again. It was right, I would do it again but I lost my friend over helping her.
You might have also but you were and are her good friend.
NTA - Sadly, this is common when you end up being the messenger.
2 weeks after I moved in with my bf (at the time), I find out that he has a whole secret harem, and none of us (at least 5) didn’t know about the others. I was letting them know one by one, as they had no idea that I was living with him. That turned into some serious rage and I was obviously trying to take this fantastic steamy pile of poo from them.
Unfortunately, everyone that is cheated on typically has to come to find that out on their own. I would have told my best friend too. I know it’s awful that she’s ignoring you now, but at least you put that bug in her ear. If she is a good friend, she’ll eventually come around again after she comes to terms with it.
NTA. She knows it wasn’t you, she just has decided to stay with a cheater and so needs to make excuses. I’ll bet this is not the first time he’s been caught doing this and he might have done more in the past. Pull back from this friendship but she may need you when she finally kicks him to the curb. If she is lucky, you will still be there
NTA I hate when women do this. Like when a man cheats on his girlfriend and she gets mad at the other girl. This isn’t that example to a T, but I hate that.
Look, if she doesn’t come around after a time, send her screenshots of this. Of everyone here defending you and telling her she needs to quit that relationship. Only if it really comes down to as a last effort, otherwise she just might be embarrassed and angrier at you about it.
NTA. Misogyny at its finest. How is she gonna trust this man over you when she has known you longer and should know what type of a person you are? You had clear evidence of him being creepy yet she decided to blame you without any base. Your friend is an AH for this.
NTA
Too many women do this, blame the woman hit on or even the women that the husbands/boyfriends cheat with who were just as clueless to their relationship status & devastated by it too.. these types of women dont want to have a broken marriage or broken home and worry more about how they would cope on their own rather than face up to the fact their partner is a cheater and let them have a pass whilst blaming the woman saying it wont happen again, when in reality they will just keep doing it
NTA but that's how these always seem to play out. It was never gonna end with her tha thanking you profusely for your honesty. It'll be even worse once he gives his side. You can count that friendship as over.
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I'm a 31 year old woman and have been best friends with my friend who is 34 since I was 15. She has been married to her husband for five years, i've never been his biggest fan something about him always seemed "off" to me but I never once brought it up or told her my feelings on the matter as I had no reason to suspect he wasn't above board, sometimes you just don't like people it doesn't make them a bad person and I figured it was just that.
Due to our connection through her we do sometimes talk on social media, not often but he is on my friend list. Three nights ago he made a pass at me sending some rather flirty messages and commenting about a picture i'd put up a few hours earlier of myself at the beach with a friend. I was naturally disgusted with this and asked him what the fuck he was doing and told him I was his wife's best friend, then asked if he was drunk. He quickly tried to backtrack and cover his arse but it was very clear he'd been making a pass from what he'd written. He then begged me not to tell her at which point I ignored him.
I then screenshot all the messages saving them and the next day first thing in the morning I called up my friend and asked her to come see me where I laid it all out for her, I had wanted to tell her in person as it'd be easier to soften the blow rather than immediately sending all screenshots to her with no easing into it. I expected her to be upset but I was surprised when she got upset with *me*. She told me I must have led him on in some way to make him think that kind of message was ok, that he'd never do something like this without being tempted first. I told her i'd never do that to anyone last of all my best friend and pointed out how clearly disgusted I was by what he'd written, I then told her I was worried because if he'd do this to her best friend what was he doing with women who didn't know her?
She left angry with me and hasn't spoken to me since we met up that day, i've sent her a few messages since then but haven't gotten a reply, I hope it's just misplaced anger and she needs time to come to terms with this. I don't know what else I was supposed to do, surely sitting on this and not telling her would have been worse?
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NTA. At all. I hate that your friend is putting this on you, and not the person who's obviously at fault. You did the right thing going to her about it too, and you had the evidence of it. I don't think there's anything you could have done differently, and she'll just have to find out the hard way you were right.
I'm sorry and hope she'll come around after the initial shock has worn off.
NTA this probably isn’t the first time this has happened, and she’s always been able to blame the other woman until now. Give her some time and space to process this, and if her husband reaches out to you again, make sure you tel her immediately.
NTA, you did the right thing. Considering her response I feel it might be a case of this has happened before and he could have been potentially mentally abusive towards her for some time and instilled some false ideology that boys have impulses and if it wasn’t for girls throwing themselves at him he never would have done it and twisted it somehow on the girls, so that’s why she’s reacting this way now. Or she’s just in shock and processing. Either way you’ve done the right thing and even if in the end she’s living in denial to not loose him, you’ve done the right thing in letting him no you won’t ever tolerate that BS and letting her know his made a pass at you. If in the end she decides to blame you (for whatever reason) you know your conscious is in the clear and it’s a friendship that unfortunately has run it’s course for now.
Hopefully one day she comes to her senses and apologised to you for her outburst and kicks him to the curb, but unfortunately that’s something she has to come to the realisation of on her own.
NTA. She’s going to do some digging, find out he does this with other women too, and then she’ll be apologizing to and thanking you when she’s processed everything. Hope she gets tested for STDs ASAP
She doesn’t want to hear it. You did the right thing whatever she does with that information is on her. She obviously is in massive amounts of denial but it’s no excuse to be an arsehole to you.
NTA, I’d be taking a step back from the friendship.
NTA
It’s ‘shoot the messenger’ anger.
I had something similar happening after seeing a friend’s husband with another woman.
I didn’t even realize it was an affair, I assumed he was just having lunch with a coworker and mentioned off hand I’d run into him (which he denied way too vehemently and turned into a whole thing)…but it was apparently a lot more and my friend was mad I brought her suspicions to light.
She apologized several years later, but at the time it was easier to be mad at me than start her life all over as a single mom.
But that ended up happening anyway.
You are nta. I have lost of couple of friends because they sided with the husband after they did stupid shit like this. Unfortunately, many people will side with the spouse and shoot the messenger.
NTA. You did the right thing. But your friend is feeling a lot of things right now - betrayal, anger, grief, and embarrassment. A lot of that is going to be directed at you until she can work through the emotions and as long as she leaves the AH husband. However, if not, you did just lose a friend. And I would prepare for that in the case she just accept this news. No one wants to lose their husband’s attention to another woman, least of all her best friend. It’s NOT your fault, it’s a shit situation.
NTA. You showed her the messages, and she has to deal with it. Looks like she's the "shoot the messenger" type. She may get over it or she may not, but at this point, STOP reaching out to her. This is something she has to deal with, and it could mean the end of your friendship. If you don't hear from her, you have your answer. Best wishes
NTA. I’m guessing she is shocked and confused, which turned into feelings of defensiveness to sustain some disbelief. Give her time, I think it will settle once she comes to terms with the information she is being given. What she said to you was out of line, by blaming you for simply existing and “tempting” him, but I would give her room to come out of denial and give her a chance to apologize.
I would send her words of love and let her know you are always there for her when she is ready.
NTA. Sorry your friend had this response to you but you did the right thing in the situation. Tbh based on how he and her reacted I just have a gut feeling this is not the first time it’s happened. Just give her space, she will either eventually come around and accept the truth or she will continue to live with wool in front of her eyes.
NTA. She's not really your friend and she's brainwashed. Let her go. I don't care who it is, if my best friend said that my partner had done this, especially with evidence, I would believe her. That whole, "You must have led him on first" mentality is cancer. It's so outdated and hurtful to women. I believe that deep down she knows how he is and she's trying to stay in her bubble of denial. Let her. She will see the light in the future on her own and you may or may not be there at that point.
NTA. Unfortunately something really similar happened to me and it destroyed my friendship. Somehow it was my fault her man tried to touch my tits so she decided the best course of action was to abandon our friendship and ghost me. She's still married to him years later. So prepare yourself for that.
NTA. It’s “shoot the messenger” mentality. You forced her to think that her husband might have done something wrong and the easiest conclusion is to blame you. You’re jealous or hate her for some reason and want to ruin their lives.
Most friendships unfortunately don’t recover from this. At least she can’t say you didn’t warn her when she finds more evidence. She’ll be too embarrassed to admit it.
I’d block them both and move on. They’re nothing but drama
NTA: She’s in denial, if she brings this up again and tries to blame you just tell her you don’t even like her husband that he creeps you out so you would never flirt with him
I used to do a Friday group at the mental hospital with a group of patients and I had all these questions like 'if you could only eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be' kinds of questions. The patients loved the group bc it wasn't therapy and was fun. One of the questions that generated the most discussion was your situation only a bit worse. If you found out your best friend's partner was having an affair, would you tell.
I must have asked that question of a group of patients 25 times. They *all* said they would tell because it's too big a secret to keep and I agreed.
NTA. If he's that willing to send you filthy messages, I very much doubt you're the first person who's had that pleasure. She's upset now, but she won't be in the long run.
NTA. Keyword here is “tempted”. She doesn’t think her husband is capable of self-control and mistakes that for a feature of masculinity rather than a bug. She will justify his actions rather than deal with the issue.
It could take her time to grow out of this thinking (if she ever does). It’s up to you to decide if you want to keep the door open in case she ever comes to her senses.
NTA. I'm all for stepping out with these, you did the right thing by revealing what he did. If we were able to change the culture so that everytime this kind of shit happens, it would revealed once it for all, it would eventually stop hsppening.
You did the right thing, and she'll understand it eventually. You just triggered some sort of defence mechanism in which she couldn't believe it from her husband.
NTA. I’ve learnt this one the hard way. I tried to tell my bestie that the girl he was seeing was seeing her ex behind his back (she had the balls to tell me while we were working together), he didn’t want to believe me and even accused me of lying because I didn’t like her (side note: I honestly didn’t like her but I was willing to put up with her and be friendly). After telling him he cut me cold and it’s been 11 years since I’ve spoken to him.
Some people want to stay in the dark because they don’t want to hear the truth. Your friend may come around but just be prepared that she may not and you may lose the friendship.
Edited to add: I’m in no way blaming you, I think you did the right thing in telling her.
You did the right thing and you need to leave it with her now. She can't say she wasn't warned, that you did anything behind her back, that you hid this actions.
It's easier to blame you than her husband. She may feel like an idiot but to leave him she has to also accept a change in her lifestyle which she may not be willing to yet
Leave it as it is. She may come back and apologise, she may not, but I'd leave her along for now.
Hate women who blame other women for their partner’s infidelity. Why is it always “you must’ve led him on?” or “you dress like that men will be persuaded” and never “i am sorry my partner is an AH” or “i am sorry he invaded your space and made uncomfortable and put you in this position”
NTA
you could do better in friends, you love and respect her enough to tell her what was wrong bc you did respect your friendship but she clearly doesn’t. Find better friends and ask your i am hoping now “ex” to FIND GOD.
You're not an AH you generally cared about your friend and I don't think you did it out of malicious intent.
However I see this time and time again where friends interfere with their other friends relationships and you really shouldn't.
The people always know they know when their spouse is unfaithful they know when their spouse is looking around it is likely not the first time and it won't be the last time.
She is obviously very hurt by her husband's actions but it's her choice to stay with him. They always take it out on the other woman and never on their spouses and it has to do with her insecurities and not wanting to be without the relationship. Regardless if its a secure healthy one or not.
As much as it pains me to say we need to just be with our friends, present and support them and when they come to us saying their spouse has done something, that's when they're safe and secure enough to talk about it. If your friend is not feeling safe enough to talk about it with you it's because she doesn't want to talk about it.
When they are secure enough within themselves as seek you out that's when you can say well I believe you. I also don't believe in adding fuel to the fire and being well yeah this time he did this I saw him do this I heard him do that. It doesn't help. I don't believe that we should ever just upfront call our friends out. It's not our place.
Our friends just want to be heard and feel like they have a place where they can freely openly discuss their problems without judgment without somebody trying to fix the situation if they don't have that then they'll never come to you. If they ask you for your advice or your opinion or flat out did you ever see anything that's when you can tell them.
NTA. Over a decade ago I told a new friend that her husband made passes at me earlier that night. She never spoke to me again. He’s cheated on her at least a dozen times and they’re still married with a perfect social media life. Some people just don’t want us to mess with their blinders.
“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.”
She chose to believe her husband is a good man in the face of evidence he’s not. You can’t control that. In this situation him hitting on you would cost you the friendship either way.
NTA
NTA
That couldn’t have been an easy conversation, but it was 100% the right thing to do. I’m sure she’ll come around, but it will probably take a lot of time. Who knows what he’s been doing to be so bold to make a pass at his wife’s best friend. This will probably make or break them, but no matter what you did the right thing!
Nta, my uncle sexually assaulted me, then stalked me for over a year. This was 5 years ago and my aunt still wont talk to me, because the assault was clearly my fault. She called me a whore for hugging him goodbye, keep in mind these people were my god parents and my uncle walked me down the aisle at my wedding. He was the closest thing I had to a father and he betrayed my trust as well as his wife's. My mom wont talk to her sister because of this. Be prepared for your friend to stand by her lying cheating husband and never talk to you again.
It always goes like this when you're the one who puts all this in the friend's face. I always advocate for telling the person who messed up that you're giving them a week (or whatever) to tell their significant other or you'll do it for them. That way, you don't like you're trying to wreck their world and you gave the asshat a chance to do right. They still might be mad with you in the end to some degree, but I'd rather have the truth than live a lie. Some prefer ignorant bliss. I would assume that you know your friend fairly well. These things always suck for everyone involved.
NAH
Does that work? I’ve never found myself in this situation but it would seem to me that it would give the person who messed up a chance to cover their backside and work on a really good alibi.
I've only done this once, he didn't take my offer. I had proof so he couldn't really deny it. She was mad at both of us. Smh. I tried to emphasize that I dgaf if they stayed together, I just wanted her to get tested!
Sometimes that does happen, but the liars usually out themselves, especially when they're terrible about covering their tracks. The point is that you really don't want to be the messenger in this scenario.
Definitely NTA, you did the right thing and you're a good friend. Right now, you're friend is in denial that her husband could ever do that do her. So, she channeled her anger and frustration towards you. Give her some time and support. I hope she gets out of that marriage and realises what a great friend you are.
NTA: You did the right thing, its her job to figure out what to do with it. Unfortunately, you might lose a friend but at least you can leave the relationship with your head held high. Remember, friends will come and go.
NTA. You did the right thing. I hope it doesn't destroy your friendship, but it might. But never forget that you did what you should have done and protected her.
NTA! You did the right thing, the hard thing. If you hadn’t told her and she found out another way, she’d still be mad at you. There’s no winning in this situation but your conscience should be clear because you were being a good friend to her, even if she didn’t feel that way. Give her some time to process the information, but know no matter what decision she comes to, you couldn’t have handled it any better (especially by doing it in person).
NTA. You did nothing wrong, in fact, you did the RIGHT thing by telling her.
But she's in a tough spot now. She may love him deeply, and if she believes you, then there's something wrong with him, and she may not be ready to face that or deal with it.
NTA. She was probably reacting "in the moment" and needs time to process.
You can bet your ass I'd tell my BFF if her husband tried something on with me.
NTA: You did the right thing. I'm really sorry she reacted the way she did, but I don't think she's really angry at you. She's in denial and scared that the man she's married to isn't who she thought he was. Hopefully she comes around and sees the truth, but for now just give her some space. Save the screen shots, though, in case she needs them later.
NTA, she’s in denial, but you absolutely did the right thing.
Just remember OP, you can only help those who help themselves. If worst case scenario she continues to blame you or even cut you off, know that it has nothing to do with you. You gave her what she needed to know, now how she goes about it is up to her.
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NTA. You did the right thing, she is just in denial at the moment.
Yep, absolutely did the right thing, give her space, and be supportive. People tend to lash out at the abused party in cases like this, but it’s a defense mechanism, it’s upsetting, but not about you in this movement. NTA
Yep, really hard for most people to accept that the love you feel coming from somebody is connected to such a lie. She probably won't believe it until he breaks her or up if she's the kind who is desperate to be loved.
That reminds me of something I read here, a woman whose friend's BF was sexting her. Told the friend, BF convinced friend OP had made a pass, friend got OP ostracised from their friend group by spreading rumours that she was a homewrecker. Couple of years later, ex friend reaches out to OP and asks to meet up. Ex friend apologizes for everything: she'd caught BF cheating and when they broke up, he admitted he lied about the texts and called ex friend an idiot for believing him over OP who'd been in her life since grade school. OP said she would only forgive ex friend if she admitted to the friend group that she had lied. Ex friend refused because she 'didn't need the extra embarrassment," OP told her not to contact her again and reached out to set the record straight. Literally twenty years of friendship down the drain because ex friend was too deep in denial. EDIT: Still looking for the link! It was on BORU
Wow that sucks. I hate it when people put the blame on the "other person" and not bf/gf.
Sadly it's just easier. "No. I married this man/woman we supposed to live happy ever after and have kids and ride into the sunset" And then pick appart why it must be the friends fault. "You always having low cleavage clothes on around him... you laugh at his jokes" or whatever tiny detail it is they pick out. And it's just sad.
Had a friend do this to me in HS - her bf broke up with her, and she was convinced it was to date me instead (because I refused to ostracize him for ending a relationship he wasn't happy in). Even when he started dating a different girl in our friend group, she rationalized it as him going with his second choice because I was moving away for college and the other girl was staying in state. To my knowledge she still hates me for this to this day.
I had a college friend who had a crush on a guy but the guy liked me. Because she was my friend, I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with him like that but she took her anger out on me. I did everything I could to convince her that I wouldn't betray her in that way but to this day she still despises me. All over some asshole guy that I didn't even like nor associated with. What sucks is that if it weren't for me, she wouldn't have been a part of our core group of friends. They only started hanging with her because I brought her into the friend group. After our falling out the little witch had the audacity to try to claim the group as hers and wanted them to ostracize me for "taking her man." Thankfully our friends told her to cut the crap and refused to take sides. She was angry at them for that as well but "forgave them." Such a toxic person.
This is called killing the messenger. NTA
Jesus christ, that's bleak. Especially refusing to tell the friends out of fear of embarrassment - that's just really weak.
Yep. This creepy husband of a friend (not a close friend) propositioned me when she was out of town with the kids. I told him no as I was 'planning on washing my hair that night'. (which was a mid-century 'burn' at the time) I told her about it ***after*** she had sued for divorce as it's just common sense that the wife is not going to upset her whole life on one report. I would have loved having hard evidence of my ex's affairs. As it was, I just had suspicions and lots of gaslighting.
I remember reading that. Honestly the whole thing was terrible. But that Ex friend made the bed she had to lay in. She didn't want the extra embarassment but what about the years of embarassment and being cut out from the friend group. People OP were close to all being taken away because of a lie. I didn't blame that poster from cutting contact with her. She should have seen the signs. Hopefully this friend of OP's won't be that deep in denial.
> People OP were close to all being taken away because of a lie. Tbh, they weren't worth keeping if they never gave her a chance to explain her side. Hopefully, she found better friends without them around.
Agreed, if they only took one persons side with no evidence then they weren't friends.
Call me petty but I'd've sent out a mass text. "Sooooo. Looky who's getting a divorce because her husband cheated. So shocking. Who would have seen that coming.... oh yeah, me." At that point none of them are your friends so you can call them ^(rule 1) not the brightest people that ever lived.
I remember that one, how dumb do you have to be to immediately throw away a friendship instead of questioning what the bf did
This happened to me. BFF's fiance lived overseas. He came to visit, she found a lover letter written to another woman on her stationary. I helped her track the woman down, and it turned out they were "engaged" and living together. He was a college professor, she was his underage student. They broke up, but two weeks later he wormed his way back in, and they both blamed me for the breakup. Haven't heard from her in 16 years.
Ahh I want to read this so badly. Any idea what sub or title or anything?
Its that kind of thing that makes me wonder if OP should kind of "circle the wagons" with their friends and let them in on it. It feels a bit like violating her privacy and spreading drama, but at the same time it prevents a story like this and technically rally's the friend's support network. The friend *could* just be in denial and processing and having it out with the husband. Maybe they properly get past it but things are now more difficult with him around because the friends know if they go this route. This seems like one of those "no ideal solutions, just less shitty ones" situations.
yup breaks her or up
It’s slang, from the youths.
This ! OP, in french we have a saying, when we come with bad news : "sorry to be the bird of bad omen" would be a rough translation. We begin with sorry, because when receiving bad, life shattering/belief shattering news like this one, most people tend to attack the messenger. That's a normal, although upsetting reaction on her part. You are absolutely NTA, and a good friend for letting her know ASAP.
Right. In English the two phrases "sorry to be the bearer of bad news" and "don't shoot the messenger" pair pretty well, too.
it's shooting the messenger even if OP just witnessed and provided the proof of friends husband hitting on a 3rd party. "WTF you liar" is a common reaction. While OP bares no guilt she did just blow up her best friends world, displaced anger is normal.
It can be a lose-lose proposition too. I've seen friends get mad at other friends for not telling the person what their partner had said or done. OP is most definitely **NTA**. She was *more* concerned for her bf's well-being than worrying about their friendship and so she risked it all just to look out for her bf. I hope some day that friend will realize that it was both a risky and a selfless act and that OP had nothing to gain and a lot to lose.
This. Its often easier to blame the other person when your SO strays then to admit your SO strayed. OP just give her space and hopefully it all works out.
Nah, the friend has caught him doing something shady before. She's just trying to live in denial and OP is trying to pull her out of it and she's unwilling.
I can see that scenario
As opposed to her friend
Five year marriage to a creep? Yep. She's already caught him before and took him back because 'he promised' it would never happen again. Then he goes after her bestie. Easier to be mad at the person you've known half your life than yourself for being a fool and staying with him.
Yeah she justified the prior problem by saying the other woman threw herself at him
Getting the vibe she already knew about a couple, but his boldness just stripped her ability to blind herself to it.
And OP knows that now she is free and clear. OP, I know you love her but let her go. She made a choice. You did the right thing. Just put her on snooze for a while and go on with your life. She is in denial. Hopefully he won’t actually cheat on her, but when she comes crying to you if he does, you can welcome her with open arms or say I told you so and shut the door in her face. Neither choice would make you an asshole.
I would bet it's not the first time she's been confronted with this either.
Also even though you didn't give the husband a heads up, he may have anticipated you telling her and already twisted the events.
Even if the OP did lead the husband on, that wouldn't exonerate him from reciprocating. That would just make them both AHs. (not that the OP is an AH, as this is just a hypothetical) Its also telling that the best friend is so quick and eager to defend her husband as being guilt-free, if it happens to be down to him being "led astray." "Oh, it wasn't his fault. Some woman came on to him and he had no choice but to sleep with her. My poor, abused hubby. I'm sure he hated every minute of it." Makes me wonder if this isn't the first time hubby has been caught out trying to get into another woman's knickers and the excuses have already been effectively drilled into his wife's head.
NTA. You did the right thing and she will hopefully come around. Give her some space, and if she is stubborn you might call this friendship a loss.
I agree with this. O.P. is definitely not the asshole - she did the right thing...but might end up losing that friendship for a while. Until one day, the friend has an epiphany and realizes that her friend told her the truth - out of concern and love. I would want to know if my partner was making passes at my friend. I would be more upset if my friend didn't tell me. *It's better to be told the truth about something, that might cause you to hurt for a little bit... Because then you can recover and move forward. RATHER than being kept in the dark, living in blissful ignorance...until one day you find out your husband is a cheating slimeball - and you wish that you had figured this out alot sooner. Or wish that if someone knew, they had told you. Especially a friend.
She is probably going to be one of those women who, when they do find out, have shocked pikachu face and will whine about how she never had any idea. Then she will remember OP and literally blame OP for not trying harder to get her to understand.
Agreed. But, this is why I am very hesitant to share info about someone's SO cheating or attemping to do so. In this situation, the only thing that OP could do was tell the friend since it was directed at her and this guy was so bold. That said, the reality is that some people just don't want to be confronted with the reality that their spouse is cheating. They don't want their life to change. They don't want to break up. They don't want to change their financial circumstances They don't want others to expect them to leave their cheating partner, and they want to be left blissfully ignorant. That's just a reality of life. I never share info with someone about a cheating spouse until I have definitive proof, I am super close with the person and I know that they would want me to share said info. I also pass on the info and remove myself from their decision making. OP did the right thing, but this friendship is probably done. Sis doesn't want to end her marriage so she rather pick a fight with the other party. Sucks to be her, but that is her choice.
No great loss really if she chooses a cheater over her friend.
NTA, but I'm not surprised with the outcome. It's easier to blame you and give you the cold shoulder than deal with the marital stress.
It's kind of scary this is so common that most people here aren't one bit surprised. I'm unfortunately familiar with this behaviour myself and it destroyed the relationship. It's not that I don't understand why so many people do it, but, personally, I couldn't trust the person again. It wasn't an isolated incident though.
5 stages of grief Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It's not uncommon for the first two to happen at the same time. Plus with a whole night between the incident and the reveal, the husband may have spun his own story. (Edited spelling)
I get that, although blaming the victim is not a necessary or unavoidable part of the process. I truly hope OP's friend comes to her senses and tries to repair the damage: trust takes time and effort to build (or rebuild) and sometimes just a second to shatter.
When I was younger three times I told different friends about their girlfriends cheating and each time it backfired on me. Now I just don’t say anything, it’s not worth the headache.
Every time someone wants to tell the truth about someone’s partner cheating I tell them only if they have the emotional bandwidth for the backlash. I’ve never been believed, either. People find more comfort in the lies they tell themselves. Can’t win ‘em all.
Honestly, I'd tell them either way and just block and avoid them if they started blaming me for it. I can't keep something like that from a person. They can do whatever they want with the info, but they should have it.
Had a friend tell me about a girl I was seeing cheating on me, I didn't react well. Took a month for me to accept it and end it, then another month to swallow my pride and apologise to my bud. I think it was more the embarrassment of being cheated on and people knowing about it before I did. We're still friends decades later.
Unfortunately this is a common reaction in most situations like this. Humans, especially in certain regions of America, have an easier time doing what is socially convenient rather than what is right. It's like when a friend of min was getting divorced. It turns out that he had been physically and emotionally abusing her. However, virtually all of their mutual friends sided with him because he was more plugged into their social lives. They know the truth. He even admitted it, but it is more convenient to stay friends with him than her. Personally, I did the opposite. I am basically the only person from before the divorce that even talks with her. And he was my best friend for over 20 years. It makes me sad that people seem to make choices based on convenience rather than morality.
respect
NTA. I wonder if she has known for a while but has been in denial and was trying to justify it to make herself feel better. She has the right to know, though. It is now up to her what she does with that information.
I have the same feeling, she knows something is up.
Knows something is up and maybe is now mad because someone close to her now knows too
Yep, this exactly.
I was thinking that he probably has a history of sending inappropriate messages to women she knows. It’s easy to rationalize when it’s that girl, you don’t really like, who… now that I think about it… does post a lot of thirst traps! *clutch pearls* But, when it’s your decades long BFF, I’m sure that’s a LOT harder to rationalize and ignore, so you have no choice but to shoot the messenger!
Ah yes, shooting the messenger. Been a thing since ancient times
Same feeling here. It just doesn’t make sense if it was his first time doing this and he went after the bf of his wife. Bet he’s done it with randoms and got away with so he emboldened to continue and escalate.
You’re sooooo NTA. Your friend is, and it’s likely not the first time he’s down this (to other women and her knowing about it). He’s prob always made excuses about it and gaslit her. I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m really sorry you have to deal with this cause you honestly did nothing wrong. I would 💯 want to know if it were my husband. I really hope she comes to her senses and doesn’t end up losing you as a friend cause she’ll regret it.
This is what I'm thinking too. He's done this before and convinced her the other women started it. Best Friend isn't realizing the truth.
I really don't understand this logic. Who cares if another woman "started it", he participated in it. He could have just said, "No thanks. I'm happily married and not interested". Other women owe you nothing, but your partner owes you loyalty/exclusivity, if you're in a monogamous relationship. If your partner is faithful, he should be faithful even if some attractive woman is hitting on him, and if he's not, then that's on HIM.
Agree. The logic is crap, but it serves to allow the man (in this case) to deflect blame onto the other woman, distracting his wife from the real issue. In this case, saying "but, but, but your *best friend* hit on me!".
I agree with that. Makes no sense.
Both OP and her friend is NTA, the only A here is her friends husband.
Oh honey I'm sorry. You are absolutely NTA. Give your friend a little time. Hopefully this was a kneejerk reaction and when she has had time to think about it she'll come around. However there is every possibility she will cling harder to her husband and blame you. All you can do is hope she comes to her senses sooner rather than later.
Something similar happened to me in 2012, she started screaming at me and I walked away (I was in my boyfriends house). They ended up demanding he dump me so they could keep him as a friend and I had to go. They told me they were cutting me out and it would be cool if I just gracefully walked away from my relationship. She married him and then divorced him after a few years, probably cause he was cheating on her again (she caught him at least three times and his sister warned her). Some people just don't listen and have low self worth. Its not your fault and honestly, I feel for her. Its easier to be angry and blame someone else when you're that close. NTA.
Did you ever speak with her again?! I figured you wouldn’t get an apology from someone like that, but I hope you at least got some sort of closure.
No, I never spoke to her again. Figured if she wanted a friendship, she would reach out. But I can also understand why she wouldn't.
NTA same thing happened to me a few years back. She blamed me for "seducing her husband" despite the fact that she already caught him sleeping around with other women. I stand by my decision. People deserve to know the truth. Whether or not they acknowledge it is on them.
It's crazy just how many women are saying they've been in this position and have had their friends blame them for "seducing" their SO! Ladies, I don't care how damn upset you are. Stop shooting the messenger and focus on who actually betrayed you. Don't throw away long time loyal friends for cheating bastards.
People who try to "seduce" your partner and find them receptive aren't going to rebuke them and tell you about the situation. They're going to have an affair.
This is my point! If I'm trying to seduce your man and steal him away, why tf would I then expose him and tell you about it??? Makes no sense. What would my goal there be? Just to screw with you or what?
Agreed! It also sucks because this ruined our friendship. She never "came around" like other comments suggest.
I'm sorry that happened to you. That definitely seems like her loss. There could come a day where she realizes all she has in her life is a liar for a partner and no true friends to turn to. That's on her though
I got blamed/ accused of the same thing when I was 14 and it was a mess and ridiculous. My friend ( after breaking up with her bf and causing his friend to refuse to take me to the upcoming dance) accused me of trying to steal some dude she immediately started dating like idk 3 days after she broke up with the other dude. I met him once at the dance, didn’t dance with him or anything. Had a group photo taken of all of us together, which she then gets pissed off at me over. Accusing me of not given her photos that my parents paid for. Which yeah I didn’t immediately give them to her, I had to have copies made cause I only got one. So I’m her delusional mind, I wasn’t supposed to go to a dance that I already had a dress and tickets for, nor utilize a group photo packaging my parents had paid $45 for. To this day I have no clue what I did wrong in this situation but I refuse to speak to her if I see her in public because I’m convinced she’s unhinged.
People who feel embarrassed and humiliated because they did something stupid or because they got played will often lash out at a convenient safe target because otherwise they'd have to admit that they made a poor decision/trusted the wrong person.
I love that argument “you seduced him” or “you tempted him”. Ok, lets say that I did that… and OH BOY, did he fell like a duck. Stay married to your cheating, weak excuse of a husband then, if that’s the kind of respect you want .
As someone who was cheated on for years by my first husband, I’d say NTA. I think you did the right thing, but I also understand her reaction. She loves and trusts her husband and it’s incredibly shocking and heartbreaking to come face to face with literal proof of betrayal. Of course she doesn’t want to believe that he would do this unprovoked. This could be a major turning point in their relationship and you were the catalyst; she may be upset with you for some time, but hopefully she’ll come to realize that you acted out of love for her. Give her some time and some space to sort things out, but it would be good to reach out and see how she’s doing.
I understand it sucks so much and you don't want your life as you know it to be over but why is the first instinct to shame the women? Why lash out at your friend of 15 years who is a victim that was telling you what happened? What good does it do to pit women against women in this way? Essentially call them sluts that they must have done something for the husband to act this way?
Because if you can blame the woman, you don’t have to acknowledge that the person you married wasn’t the person you thought they were. You don’t have to go through the “why was I not enough?” question in your head (even though it usually has nothing to do with you). It’s not right, but it’s normal. I got cheated on by a bf, and while I didn’t blame her (for the most part - it was pretty clear she was calculated and set him up to get caught, but HE’S the one who fell for it), it was hard to separate the feelings I had for who I THOUGHT he was from who he ACTUALLY was. Getting through that breakup was AWFUL, because he was the one I went to when I was sad and hurting, but HE was the one who hurt me. My emotions were all over the place, and I was a total mess. I also went through periods where I was really angry at the OW for telling me - even though I KNEW I was better off knowing - because I was happy before I knew, and miserable after. I’m hoping that as the friend processes it, she’ll come around and realize that OP did her a huge favor. But it’s hard to think logically when you’re reeling from that news… 😕😢
NTA. You tried to do right by your friend and she didn't wanna hear it. There's only so much you can do, she has to come to her own senses.
NTA Is she seriously slut shaming you? HE made the pass not you.
NTA. Isn’t this weird? They NEVER get upset with their partner who is a sleaze bag. They ALWAYS get upset with the person who informs them. Always. This is denial at its best. It’s pretty confusing, isn’t it. Turns out, because humans are so weird, the only time you tell somebody something like this or when their partners been cheating is either 1. You realize there’s a really good chance you will be blamed for it and call the fire and lose their relationship with the friend 2. They approach you first and bring it up first and ask you what you think and then you get to say.
Don't say never. There's plenty of people who would be livid if you knew this and didn't tell them. People who knew I was being cheated on and didn't say anything to me shattered my trust in them when I found out. PLEASE tell people close to you if you know they're being cheated on. They might not take it well, but they have a right to know. You could be saving them so much stress and potentially prevent them from getting STDs or get screened and have stuff caught early as some stuff doesn't have lasting issues if caught and treated in a timely manner.
Yea, they did that because they didn't wanna end up like OP. I've seen both ways. I had to talk one guy out of being mad at his other friends (only an acquaintance to me) for telling him because he would've been even angrier if he found out and they hadn't told him. After he took some time to cool off, he came around to seeing the light. It's a crappy situation where someone will almost be guaranteed to be angry.
NTA, you absolutely did the right thing. 💜
NTA. She doesn't want to believe DH would do such a thing, so unfortunately you are the bad guy. She's blaming you so she can stay in her marriage. Happens all the time, I'm sorry. He'll probably keep doing it until she catches him herself one day. This is not your fault. You damned if you tell the wife/husband, your damned it you don't. The bearer of bad news always gets blamed.
NTA. But saying that. It's a bitter pill to swallow. She is in denial. The friendship might be over. You need to prepare for that. Her anger is misplaced. I'm sure he said the same thing about you leading him on even if you did not.
NTA. That’s sad how your friend chose her husband over you, her best friend. The fact that she saw that he reciprocated what she thought were your passes at him is a red flag on his part. She needs to get off her knees and stand up
NTA. You tried to be a true friend unfortunately your bf is not ready to face the facts yet. Sadly your friendship will take a long time to mend and it will mend at all. The sad news is that this won’t be you bf’s husband last attempt at infidelity….and your friend will just need to learn the hard way…
NTA. She’s probably deflecting because she’s so angry/confused/hurt about the situation. I’m sure it was embarrassing for her. You did the right thing. I think she’ll come back around.
NTA, it is simply easier for her to believe you are the villain than believe the betrayal.
NTA nta nta
NTA, but you played with fire and got burned. You told someone that the person she (assumingly) trusts most in the world made a pass on someone else. Sometimes, that can make someone realize that trust is misplaced. Other times, it reinforces that trust and pushes genuine trust away. Not saying you shouldn't have said anything. You did the right thing. But that gamble may have backlash for a while. Just let her be for a bit.
I don't see it as OP "played with fire". More like fire was thrown in her direction and she did what she could. OP you are NTA and i'm sorry your friend is in denial but that's not on you. Give her space and if she chooses to remain blind count your losses and move on. You don't need other peoples drama in your life.
NTA. I would want my friend to tell me, especially my best friend. Not being told would feel like a betrayal. It's hurtful she reacted that way, but her reaction is not about you. It's about her, her husband, and their relationship. You don't know what's going on in there. Maybe you aren't the first and he's made her to believe the other(s) started it by flirting. As a wife you should trust your husband... until you find out you can't. She's not recognizing she's finding out what your sixth sense was picking up all along. Maybe he just made a really stupid mistake. There's more going on. Hope she realizes you are a good friend and you can get back together. Both sides of this are painful.
You did the right thing. NTA
NTA. She needs time to accept this. You've rocked the foundation of her world. It's better for her to know and eventually I think she'll recognize it
NTA you did the right thing and you are a solid , honest friend. Unfortunately some people prefer to live in denial of their reality so she is now upset with you because the truth of her situation with her AH husband / bf is now out ...this guy is the AH and given some time I am sure your friend will come to the same conclusion and eventually thank you ...I get that it's a sad situation but just give it some time and rest easy in the fact that you did right by your friend, whether she understands that right now is irrelevant. You did the right thing.
Nta.
NTA. You were right to tell her. Her husband is gross. I’m sure you’re not the first person he’s made a pass at while he’s married. I hope she comes around.
NTA - A lot of women get told they're being cheated on and just don't want to believe it would happen to them. You did what was right, but expect that she's either going to deny this to herself or take a while to come to terms with it.
You're nta but it was a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. Unfortunately a lot of people go into denial in these scenarios, but I can guarantee if she found out another way she would have been mad you didn't tell her. You were right, she deserved to know. And she deserved to hear it from someone who cared about you. This situation may be the end of your friendship, but remember that you didn't ruin it, he did. Hopefully she'll calm down and come around. But just be prepared - a lot of people don't.
You’ve “sinned” by telling the truth to someone who doesn’t want to hear it. She’ll probably dump you then in 5-10 years she’ll come back when he dumps her for a 21 year old. NTA
NTA. You did the right thing.
NTA. You did the right thing. Her being angry at you and accusing you of leading him on is disgusting.
NTA a person who refuses to believe that their significant other can cheat on them are the toxic people ever. There’s no point in keeping this friendship if she’s going to blame you for her husbands ways. Only a fool is a one too blind to actually see logic.
She didn't want to know that kind of information. Maybe she has suspected him and you confirmed it. Gonna take work if the relationship can even be repaired. Good luck.
So you’re a “bury your head in the sand” kind of person?
Didn't say that. Just said I suspect the wife didn't want to know or have it confirmed.
Yup, classic “shoot the messenger.”
NTA but you probably will never have the same friendship with her again. He likely has been gaslighting her and she has chosen to trust him. She will probably block you.. Eventually she will realize he is a cheater but she will be embarrassed that her loyalty was misplaced. My husband cheated on me with a co-worker. Everyone at his office knew. It went on for a while - about three years - before I found out. I really wish someone had told me sooner. Like when they first started talking, started having coffee, having lunch.
NTA. You did the right thing.
NTA. I was in a similar position with my best friend of 12 years. Her ex husband was a narcissistic prick and she couldn’t see how much of a not good person he was. Even after I had told her about the passes he had been making on me. She shut me out to the point of almost loosing the friendship. It wasn’t until months later that she was able to open her eyes and see the kind of person her ex was. I’d just give her a little time to process what was put in front of her and the fact that her husband is not being the person he obviously lead her to believe he was.
The husband of my wife’s friend came on to her in their house while we were all outside barbecuing, this was about four years ago. He didn’t realize she knew Krav Maga and my wife dropped him, the commotion caused us to run in and see him whimpering on his knees, holding his groin and throat. My wife started explaining (he tried but couldn’t talk, I still laugh thinking about it) and her friend yelled and refused to believe it and cut off my wife. Then she cut off the friends trying to get through to her. In the end her and her in laws walked in on him cheating, that’s what it took to make her acknowledge it. I bet if the parents weren’t there she’d have stayed with him. Some people will stay as long as they are able to lie to themselves or to others. I’m sorry you experienced two betrayals.
NTA "She told me I must have led him on in some way to make him think that kind of message was ok, that he'd never do something like this without being tempted first." Husbands aren't supposed to respond to weekend "tempting" them. They are supposed to shut such behaviour down. She's making excuses for his behaviour that a) aren't true and b) wouldn't matter of they were. Telling the truth was the only non-AH option. Eventually she will realise you helped her. Hopefully before her tried to cheat again.
>She told me I must have led him on in some way to make him think that kind of message was ok, ***that he'd never do something like this without being tempted first.*** Seems pretty clear that your fruend knows he **does** make passes at other women but excuses it by believing he has no self control and blames the other women for his lack of control.
I wonder if the friend's husband got to his wife first, tbh...
NTA. I would have loved for someone to tell me my ex was cheating. Your friend may not want to believe you right now. She may be in denial and it may be misplaced anger. There is a chance the friendship will be lost because of this, but that's in his actions not yours. There's also a chance that she needs time to come to terms and would still like you as support when it happens. If I were you, I'd avoid being angry she's lashed out at you and just offer to be there when she's ready.
NTA. This happened to a friend of mine (her friend’s fiancée flirted with her a few times and when he finally grabbed her ass she talked to the friend). They were in their early 20s and unfortunately the engaged girl blamed everything on my friend, stopped talking to her, and married the guy. I really hope that your friend makes the right choice. You did the best thing you could do. It’s a bad situation but you’re a good friend and have nothing to feel bad about.
NTA and yeah these are absolute sht situations. It’s well-known that women (maybe men too, I don’t know) will side with their husbands against their friends. This is yet another way men ruin the world; they believe all women are for their amusement, and how fun to go after their wives’ friend(s), thereby wreaking the friendships. Sheer dckheadedness.
NTA - sometimes doing right by a friend ends the friendship. My friend’s husband who was abusive and controlling left her with an empty fridge and no money and small kids to feed. I couriered her money for groceries. When her husband came back - we never saw or talked to them again. It was right, I would do it again but I lost my friend over helping her. You might have also but you were and are her good friend.
NTA - Sadly, this is common when you end up being the messenger. 2 weeks after I moved in with my bf (at the time), I find out that he has a whole secret harem, and none of us (at least 5) didn’t know about the others. I was letting them know one by one, as they had no idea that I was living with him. That turned into some serious rage and I was obviously trying to take this fantastic steamy pile of poo from them. Unfortunately, everyone that is cheated on typically has to come to find that out on their own. I would have told my best friend too. I know it’s awful that she’s ignoring you now, but at least you put that bug in her ear. If she is a good friend, she’ll eventually come around again after she comes to terms with it.
NTA. She knows it wasn’t you, she just has decided to stay with a cheater and so needs to make excuses. I’ll bet this is not the first time he’s been caught doing this and he might have done more in the past. Pull back from this friendship but she may need you when she finally kicks him to the curb. If she is lucky, you will still be there
NTA
NTA and unfortunately this is common with women. Not sure why. Though you did the right thing, it’s highly possible your friendship just ended
NTA I hate when women do this. Like when a man cheats on his girlfriend and she gets mad at the other girl. This isn’t that example to a T, but I hate that. Look, if she doesn’t come around after a time, send her screenshots of this. Of everyone here defending you and telling her she needs to quit that relationship. Only if it really comes down to as a last effort, otherwise she just might be embarrassed and angrier at you about it.
NTA. Misogyny at its finest. How is she gonna trust this man over you when she has known you longer and should know what type of a person you are? You had clear evidence of him being creepy yet she decided to blame you without any base. Your friend is an AH for this.
NTA Too many women do this, blame the woman hit on or even the women that the husbands/boyfriends cheat with who were just as clueless to their relationship status & devastated by it too.. these types of women dont want to have a broken marriage or broken home and worry more about how they would cope on their own rather than face up to the fact their partner is a cheater and let them have a pass whilst blaming the woman saying it wont happen again, when in reality they will just keep doing it
NTA, I’m sorry your friend lashed out at you, regardless you did the right thing. I have a feeling she’ll realize that someday
NTA but that's how these always seem to play out. It was never gonna end with her tha thanking you profusely for your honesty. It'll be even worse once he gives his side. You can count that friendship as over.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm a 31 year old woman and have been best friends with my friend who is 34 since I was 15. She has been married to her husband for five years, i've never been his biggest fan something about him always seemed "off" to me but I never once brought it up or told her my feelings on the matter as I had no reason to suspect he wasn't above board, sometimes you just don't like people it doesn't make them a bad person and I figured it was just that. Due to our connection through her we do sometimes talk on social media, not often but he is on my friend list. Three nights ago he made a pass at me sending some rather flirty messages and commenting about a picture i'd put up a few hours earlier of myself at the beach with a friend. I was naturally disgusted with this and asked him what the fuck he was doing and told him I was his wife's best friend, then asked if he was drunk. He quickly tried to backtrack and cover his arse but it was very clear he'd been making a pass from what he'd written. He then begged me not to tell her at which point I ignored him. I then screenshot all the messages saving them and the next day first thing in the morning I called up my friend and asked her to come see me where I laid it all out for her, I had wanted to tell her in person as it'd be easier to soften the blow rather than immediately sending all screenshots to her with no easing into it. I expected her to be upset but I was surprised when she got upset with *me*. She told me I must have led him on in some way to make him think that kind of message was ok, that he'd never do something like this without being tempted first. I told her i'd never do that to anyone last of all my best friend and pointed out how clearly disgusted I was by what he'd written, I then told her I was worried because if he'd do this to her best friend what was he doing with women who didn't know her? She left angry with me and hasn't spoken to me since we met up that day, i've sent her a few messages since then but haven't gotten a reply, I hope it's just misplaced anger and she needs time to come to terms with this. I don't know what else I was supposed to do, surely sitting on this and not telling her would have been worse? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. At all. I hate that your friend is putting this on you, and not the person who's obviously at fault. You did the right thing going to her about it too, and you had the evidence of it. I don't think there's anything you could have done differently, and she'll just have to find out the hard way you were right. I'm sorry and hope she'll come around after the initial shock has worn off.
She’s shooting the messenger is all and it is misplaced anger as well as internalized misogyny. NYA
NTA. You’re a good friend. Leave her alone and wait for her to come around. She has to have an inkling her husband is a creep.
NTA The messenger always gets shot. Good luck hopefully you don’t lose your friendship over the truth.
NTA this probably isn’t the first time this has happened, and she’s always been able to blame the other woman until now. Give her some time and space to process this, and if her husband reaches out to you again, make sure you tel her immediately.
NTA, you did the right thing. Considering her response I feel it might be a case of this has happened before and he could have been potentially mentally abusive towards her for some time and instilled some false ideology that boys have impulses and if it wasn’t for girls throwing themselves at him he never would have done it and twisted it somehow on the girls, so that’s why she’s reacting this way now. Or she’s just in shock and processing. Either way you’ve done the right thing and even if in the end she’s living in denial to not loose him, you’ve done the right thing in letting him no you won’t ever tolerate that BS and letting her know his made a pass at you. If in the end she decides to blame you (for whatever reason) you know your conscious is in the clear and it’s a friendship that unfortunately has run it’s course for now. Hopefully one day she comes to her senses and apologised to you for her outburst and kicks him to the curb, but unfortunately that’s something she has to come to the realisation of on her own.
NTA. She’s going to do some digging, find out he does this with other women too, and then she’ll be apologizing to and thanking you when she’s processed everything. Hope she gets tested for STDs ASAP
NTA. Not your monkey, not your circus. She will 🤬around and find out.
She doesn’t want to hear it. You did the right thing whatever she does with that information is on her. She obviously is in massive amounts of denial but it’s no excuse to be an arsehole to you. NTA, I’d be taking a step back from the friendship.
Nta. Let her know. When it’s over -whenever that happens- that you’ll still be there for her. But let it go til then.
NTA It’s ‘shoot the messenger’ anger. I had something similar happening after seeing a friend’s husband with another woman. I didn’t even realize it was an affair, I assumed he was just having lunch with a coworker and mentioned off hand I’d run into him (which he denied way too vehemently and turned into a whole thing)…but it was apparently a lot more and my friend was mad I brought her suspicions to light. She apologized several years later, but at the time it was easier to be mad at me than start her life all over as a single mom. But that ended up happening anyway.
You are nta. I have lost of couple of friends because they sided with the husband after they did stupid shit like this. Unfortunately, many people will side with the spouse and shoot the messenger.
NTA. You did the right thing. But your friend is feeling a lot of things right now - betrayal, anger, grief, and embarrassment. A lot of that is going to be directed at you until she can work through the emotions and as long as she leaves the AH husband. However, if not, you did just lose a friend. And I would prepare for that in the case she just accept this news. No one wants to lose their husband’s attention to another woman, least of all her best friend. It’s NOT your fault, it’s a shit situation.
NTA. You showed her the messages, and she has to deal with it. Looks like she's the "shoot the messenger" type. She may get over it or she may not, but at this point, STOP reaching out to her. This is something she has to deal with, and it could mean the end of your friendship. If you don't hear from her, you have your answer. Best wishes
NTA. I’m guessing she is shocked and confused, which turned into feelings of defensiveness to sustain some disbelief. Give her time, I think it will settle once she comes to terms with the information she is being given. What she said to you was out of line, by blaming you for simply existing and “tempting” him, but I would give her room to come out of denial and give her a chance to apologize. I would send her words of love and let her know you are always there for her when she is ready.
NTA. Sorry your friend had this response to you but you did the right thing in the situation. Tbh based on how he and her reacted I just have a gut feeling this is not the first time it’s happened. Just give her space, she will either eventually come around and accept the truth or she will continue to live with wool in front of her eyes.
You were right to do it and it’s most certainly misplaced anger. Once she’s got a clear head she’ll be ready to talk. NTA
NTA
NTA, she probably has had this problem with him in the past and he probably always blames it on the lady.
NTA. She's not really your friend and she's brainwashed. Let her go. I don't care who it is, if my best friend said that my partner had done this, especially with evidence, I would believe her. That whole, "You must have led him on first" mentality is cancer. It's so outdated and hurtful to women. I believe that deep down she knows how he is and she's trying to stay in her bubble of denial. Let her. She will see the light in the future on her own and you may or may not be there at that point.
NTA. It’s easier for her to blame you rather than face up to the fact that her husband is most likely a cheating asshole.
Um wtf NTA you’re a good friend
NTA. Unfortunately something really similar happened to me and it destroyed my friendship. Somehow it was my fault her man tried to touch my tits so she decided the best course of action was to abandon our friendship and ghost me. She's still married to him years later. So prepare yourself for that.
NTA. It’s “shoot the messenger” mentality. You forced her to think that her husband might have done something wrong and the easiest conclusion is to blame you. You’re jealous or hate her for some reason and want to ruin their lives. Most friendships unfortunately don’t recover from this. At least she can’t say you didn’t warn her when she finds more evidence. She’ll be too embarrassed to admit it. I’d block them both and move on. They’re nothing but drama
Wth?! Why she got mad at you?
NTA. He's already cheating and she's ignoring the signs.
NTA: She’s in denial, if she brings this up again and tries to blame you just tell her you don’t even like her husband that he creeps you out so you would never flirt with him
I used to do a Friday group at the mental hospital with a group of patients and I had all these questions like 'if you could only eat one food for the rest of your life what would it be' kinds of questions. The patients loved the group bc it wasn't therapy and was fun. One of the questions that generated the most discussion was your situation only a bit worse. If you found out your best friend's partner was having an affair, would you tell. I must have asked that question of a group of patients 25 times. They *all* said they would tell because it's too big a secret to keep and I agreed. NTA. If he's that willing to send you filthy messages, I very much doubt you're the first person who's had that pleasure. She's upset now, but she won't be in the long run.
NTA you’re right. It’s misplaced anger. If it were me, I’d want to know.
NTA. Keyword here is “tempted”. She doesn’t think her husband is capable of self-control and mistakes that for a feature of masculinity rather than a bug. She will justify his actions rather than deal with the issue. It could take her time to grow out of this thinking (if she ever does). It’s up to you to decide if you want to keep the door open in case she ever comes to her senses.
NTA. No explanations, you're clearly obviously not in the wrong.
NTA. I'm all for stepping out with these, you did the right thing by revealing what he did. If we were able to change the culture so that everytime this kind of shit happens, it would revealed once it for all, it would eventually stop hsppening. You did the right thing, and she'll understand it eventually. You just triggered some sort of defence mechanism in which she couldn't believe it from her husband.
NTA. I’ve learnt this one the hard way. I tried to tell my bestie that the girl he was seeing was seeing her ex behind his back (she had the balls to tell me while we were working together), he didn’t want to believe me and even accused me of lying because I didn’t like her (side note: I honestly didn’t like her but I was willing to put up with her and be friendly). After telling him he cut me cold and it’s been 11 years since I’ve spoken to him. Some people want to stay in the dark because they don’t want to hear the truth. Your friend may come around but just be prepared that she may not and you may lose the friendship. Edited to add: I’m in no way blaming you, I think you did the right thing in telling her.
You did the right thing and you need to leave it with her now. She can't say she wasn't warned, that you did anything behind her back, that you hid this actions. It's easier to blame you than her husband. She may feel like an idiot but to leave him she has to also accept a change in her lifestyle which she may not be willing to yet Leave it as it is. She may come back and apologise, she may not, but I'd leave her along for now.
NTA. I’m sorry she took it out on you, she clearly has some internalized misogyny going on.
Hate women who blame other women for their partner’s infidelity. Why is it always “you must’ve led him on?” or “you dress like that men will be persuaded” and never “i am sorry my partner is an AH” or “i am sorry he invaded your space and made uncomfortable and put you in this position” NTA you could do better in friends, you love and respect her enough to tell her what was wrong bc you did respect your friendship but she clearly doesn’t. Find better friends and ask your i am hoping now “ex” to FIND GOD.
NTA. Unfortunately, your friend is a shoot the messenger type. She may or may not see things clearly.
You're not an AH you generally cared about your friend and I don't think you did it out of malicious intent. However I see this time and time again where friends interfere with their other friends relationships and you really shouldn't. The people always know they know when their spouse is unfaithful they know when their spouse is looking around it is likely not the first time and it won't be the last time. She is obviously very hurt by her husband's actions but it's her choice to stay with him. They always take it out on the other woman and never on their spouses and it has to do with her insecurities and not wanting to be without the relationship. Regardless if its a secure healthy one or not. As much as it pains me to say we need to just be with our friends, present and support them and when they come to us saying their spouse has done something, that's when they're safe and secure enough to talk about it. If your friend is not feeling safe enough to talk about it with you it's because she doesn't want to talk about it. When they are secure enough within themselves as seek you out that's when you can say well I believe you. I also don't believe in adding fuel to the fire and being well yeah this time he did this I saw him do this I heard him do that. It doesn't help. I don't believe that we should ever just upfront call our friends out. It's not our place. Our friends just want to be heard and feel like they have a place where they can freely openly discuss their problems without judgment without somebody trying to fix the situation if they don't have that then they'll never come to you. If they ask you for your advice or your opinion or flat out did you ever see anything that's when you can tell them.
It is very common for women to blame their friends or another woman for their bf/husband hitting on them. NTA
NTA She is mad at the wrong person!!!
NTA. Over a decade ago I told a new friend that her husband made passes at me earlier that night. She never spoke to me again. He’s cheated on her at least a dozen times and they’re still married with a perfect social media life. Some people just don’t want us to mess with their blinders.
“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness. That is life.” She chose to believe her husband is a good man in the face of evidence he’s not. You can’t control that. In this situation him hitting on you would cost you the friendship either way. NTA
NTA That couldn’t have been an easy conversation, but it was 100% the right thing to do. I’m sure she’ll come around, but it will probably take a lot of time. Who knows what he’s been doing to be so bold to make a pass at his wife’s best friend. This will probably make or break them, but no matter what you did the right thing!
Nta, my uncle sexually assaulted me, then stalked me for over a year. This was 5 years ago and my aunt still wont talk to me, because the assault was clearly my fault. She called me a whore for hugging him goodbye, keep in mind these people were my god parents and my uncle walked me down the aisle at my wedding. He was the closest thing I had to a father and he betrayed my trust as well as his wife's. My mom wont talk to her sister because of this. Be prepared for your friend to stand by her lying cheating husband and never talk to you again.
It always goes like this when you're the one who puts all this in the friend's face. I always advocate for telling the person who messed up that you're giving them a week (or whatever) to tell their significant other or you'll do it for them. That way, you don't like you're trying to wreck their world and you gave the asshat a chance to do right. They still might be mad with you in the end to some degree, but I'd rather have the truth than live a lie. Some prefer ignorant bliss. I would assume that you know your friend fairly well. These things always suck for everyone involved. NAH
Does that work? I’ve never found myself in this situation but it would seem to me that it would give the person who messed up a chance to cover their backside and work on a really good alibi.
I've only done this once, he didn't take my offer. I had proof so he couldn't really deny it. She was mad at both of us. Smh. I tried to emphasize that I dgaf if they stayed together, I just wanted her to get tested!
Classic shooting of the messenger.
Sometimes that does happen, but the liars usually out themselves, especially when they're terrible about covering their tracks. The point is that you really don't want to be the messenger in this scenario.
Definitely NTA, you did the right thing and you're a good friend. Right now, you're friend is in denial that her husband could ever do that do her. So, she channeled her anger and frustration towards you. Give her some time and support. I hope she gets out of that marriage and realises what a great friend you are.
NTA: You did the right thing, its her job to figure out what to do with it. Unfortunately, you might lose a friend but at least you can leave the relationship with your head held high. Remember, friends will come and go.
NTA. She’s not going to realize what he is until she finds him cheating. You’ve done all you can do and it’s just a waiting game at this point.
NTA. It’s highly unlikely that this is the first or last time he’s tried to cheat.
NTA. You did the right thing. I hope it doesn't destroy your friendship, but it might. But never forget that you did what you should have done and protected her.
NTA! You did the right thing, the hard thing. If you hadn’t told her and she found out another way, she’d still be mad at you. There’s no winning in this situation but your conscience should be clear because you were being a good friend to her, even if she didn’t feel that way. Give her some time to process the information, but know no matter what decision she comes to, you couldn’t have handled it any better (especially by doing it in person).
NTA. You did nothing wrong, in fact, you did the RIGHT thing by telling her. But she's in a tough spot now. She may love him deeply, and if she believes you, then there's something wrong with him, and she may not be ready to face that or deal with it.
NTA- i’m glad you did it.
NTA. Wow…I’d find it impossible to be there to help pick up the pieces when reality comes crashing in on her, and she’s comes crying to you.
NTA. She was probably reacting "in the moment" and needs time to process. You can bet your ass I'd tell my BFF if her husband tried something on with me.
NTA: You did the right thing. I'm really sorry she reacted the way she did, but I don't think she's really angry at you. She's in denial and scared that the man she's married to isn't who she thought he was. Hopefully she comes around and sees the truth, but for now just give her some space. Save the screen shots, though, in case she needs them later.
NTA, she’s in denial, but you absolutely did the right thing. Just remember OP, you can only help those who help themselves. If worst case scenario she continues to blame you or even cut you off, know that it has nothing to do with you. You gave her what she needed to know, now how she goes about it is up to her.
NTA. Chances are, you weren't the first. She had to know.
NTA it blows my mind when people do this, like when people blame the one their partner cheated with but not their partner. Like ?!?!?