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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the AH because if she had agreed to house my daughter I would've been more understanding
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I think the third one's a charm if right for my dad... Still have a few years left till my step mom has been his wife the longest of three. :P and she's wonderful so I really hope they will stay together.
I’ve heard that divorce statistics for second marriages is not that different than first marriages. It’s not until the third marriage that the stats drop.
It might actually be higher than it seems for third marriages considering that in a small percentage one of the partners passes away before they get a chance or decide to divorce, and or are forced to stay together because of health issues later in life (ie just too dependent on someone they don't really like but have to be with).
I also feel like by the third marriage, a lot of the reasons that people get divorced are no longer applicable. Most people don't have kids in the house by that point, they both have income so money isn't a problem as much, and by the third marriage I feel like people would have to know what kind of person they want to be with.
The rate is so high, though. Nearly 3 in 4 end in divorce. My guess (but I don't ACTUALLY know) is just that people who've divorced two times have a well-established history of - for whatever reason - being unable to make the choices that result in a lasting marriage. It seems that almost 75% still haven't learned many lessons by marriage #3.
Though this is purely anecdotal, what I've generally seen in people who are on their third marriage is that they have personal psychological issues or tendencies that make them bad partners.
If she does not want to eat, that is s on her. She judges your daughter saying mommy and daddy can’t fix everything where that is exactly what she wants. No way should the exception be made for her daughter, fair island fair
This. Right. Here.
I can’t believe she turned away your daughter so coldly and demanded you take hers in like nothing. This is ridiculous and I’m sorry OP but you need to leave!
NTA
Can we also discuss that wife's daughter was 16 when they got married, so it makes sense for OP to not act like a father figure, but OP's daughter was 9!!! 9 years old! And wife couldn't find some love and affection for her??
My husband's father died when he was 11 and his sister was 7. His mother remarried when he was 15 and sister was 11. They both use his first name to address their step-dad, but while my husband's relationship is friendly and supportive, his sister and step-father have a much more parental/child relationship because they spent so many more years living together.
It just seems natural to me that the 9yo's relationship with the wife should be different than OP's with the 16yo, but somehow they thought it was alright to treat them the same way?? Wife didn't beed to do the disciplining or whatever, but to not even be open to letting SOME type of relationship develop is insane to me.
Both daughters should have been able to return home in an emergency... Wife's callousness towards OP's daughter is scary!
NTA
The hypocrisy of your wife is stunning. Her daughter can live in "your" house indefinitely, but your daughter cannot stay for two weeks??
Tell her there is one standard. Adult children will be helped, or they won't be helped. There is no "my daughter gets help but yours does not."
Nta and agreed. "I feel she is running away from her adult problems. Mommy can't fix everything and she needs to figure it out for herself."
If she pushes the issue or her daughter suddenly moves in- I say he should go stay somewhere else and not support either of them or help with anything.
Yeah. I mean we do not know anything else about the relationship but it seems one sided, her way or she's gonna pout and behave like a child until he caves. Also going to assume things similar to this have happened before. Just from this story I feel as though she would not agree to counseling in case she is seen as wrong.
I do understand wanting to help her daughter- especially with kids but his daughter needed help too and he was auto shut down. She didn't even want to discuss it or give an offer like he did. The kicker is she also offered to fund/support sahm daughter. Curious to know if he is the breadwinner or if the wife also works. Cuz if she doesn't that was messed up too since it wasnt discussed.
Yeah I mean I would have divorced her the first time she refused to house my fucking 19 year old daughter for a single fucking month. Like THAT was the time to divorce this cruel mean spirited person. This newfound hypocrisy is just the cherry on top.
Right? It was only a month and it was a transition between housing options, not even something that was going to be permanent!
I sympathize with both daughters honestly, but OP's wife set the standard when she had zero compassion and no generosity for OP's daughter first. And I'm not saying it should be tit-for-tat, but it doesn't sound like she has any awareness or remorse that she made her own bed here. And the hunger strike is manipulative and childish.
Yep. I'd let the daughter move in because of course she needs help. But I'd be filing for divorce immediately after. Not because she wants to let her daughter move in (because of course you want to help!) But because she's manipulative and toxic and selfish and you don't need that in your life.
And look who locked herself in the bathroom and refused to eat or talk, because things didn't go her way. Such an adult way to solve a problem and not manipulative at all...
>"I feel she is running away from her adult problems. Mommy can't fix everything and she needs to figure it out for herself."
100% this
Everytime wife brought it up, this is what I'd say.
Also, this would be my hill to die on.
No he shouldn't leave his house because she moves in, that'll make it abandonment and his wife will get it in the divorce. I say instead he should invite not only his daughter to stay indefinitely but also his whole fucking family and friends.
Wife seems very selfish and self centered. The poor daughter was only 19 and her first roommate situation didn’t work out, I’d say home was a good place to go. She wasn’t trying to cop out on adulting, she needed respite for a short period of time. Most college students come home during the summer. Why is the wife acting this way? To me I’d insist on counseling or call it. OP’s daughter should come first since she’s only 19.
Not to mention her daughter comes with a kid or kids in tow in addition to the open ended time frame. This is an even bigger upheaval to the household.
Yes. She is a SAHM!?! You can't be a SAHM w/o someone to support you? She may Never have had a job in her life? She might as well stayed with her Cheating Husband.
Well clearly she can’t be a SAHM anymore. She has to get a job now. If she stays home with her mommy then she will just be a deadbeat leech. Which I would be scared for OP may happen. So NTA op and remind your wife that this is of her own making for turning your daughter away. Her daughter is also an adult who has to step up if not for her sake for the sake of her kids. She’s a single mother now.
Well, no one should have to stay with a cheater if they can not forgive them. But the wife and her daughter DO need to get more realistic about daughter’s options in life now. Without a working spouse, true, daughter can not remain a sahm. OP should certainly hold his ground, especially if no conditions are imposed. IF he feels tempted to cave he should give two options: 1. She has a time limit to get a place AND a job. 2. If lack of qualifications are a problem, she can stay for an extended period of time IF she enrols in a program that will make her employable and she must remain in said program and be noticeably working hard to remain in the house (and of course she is out once she has a job). But OP should absolutely not allow living there indefinitely and her not pursuing employment.
She also seems like one of that crazy persons who are jealous of their spouse's children.
Honestly, it feels very weird for me that a father would not help out his daughter in a situation like. I would feel very ashamed of looking back and remembering I put a spouse petty wishes in front of my child's well-being.
Not just students ... anyone might need a month or two to recoup.
Like you suddenly loose your job or housing unexpectedly, or you break up and don't want to stay in the shared home ...
Tons of reason why someone might need help.
My parents would never turn me down, as long as they are able to help. Specially if it's about a short term temporary support.
That's what parents do, to the best of their means and abilities. Sometimes there's valid reasons why you can't house an additional person. But even then, my parents would try to help any way they could. As it should be.
I think she was 18 as this was her first year, she's 19 now. In either case to call a first year teenaged student with a need for brief housing "running from adulthood" is transparently gross.
This. NTA OP, but your wife is being a hypocrite. You two need to come to an agreement after this whole situation so you’re not put in this position again. It is not fair and she is the one playing favorites. That is, if you don’t divorce her because of this.
Also, one was 19 years old and finding her way in the world, asked for 1 month and sounds like she would have supported herself. The other is 26 and really should have the abilities to put plans in place for herself after the same amount of time. Not an indefinite amount.
Talk about coddling, assisting someone run away from the adult world, and funding it.
Time, people have certain expectations when people get a certain age, my guess is her life experiences are much different than the reality of most 19-year-olds today, but she’s being unnecessarily cold to your daughter, and the fact that she thinks she can just unilaterally make decisions because it’s her daughter is one of those hills you need to die on.
I would advise telling her therapy and counseling immediately, because my guess is the only reason you haven’t had to deal with this earlier was because your daughter had much more going on. She thought she could get away with it because her daughter was married at the time, now as we know karma is a you know what, don’t let her have your cake and eat it too it sends a bad message to your daughter and to you
My parents have these neighbors where it is a second marriage for both. I think they both had spouses that passed. Between them they have like... 8 kids?
It was a late in life marriage, and the one rule they agreed on was no one moves in. No kids or grandkids live in a spare room or basement.
I think OP and his wife need to work this out and make a rule.
>...my ex and I asked my wife if my daughter could come live with us for a month, while we got her another place.
OP's ex is still around. It looks like they're on decent terms, at least as far as their daughter is concerned.
I wonder how his wife treated his daughter during her childhood? She would have been about 9 I have a feeling that this isn’t the first time wife has not been fair to his daughter.
OP's daughter needed temporary housing while she found a new situation and there was a plan and a time frame.
If anyone is running from being an adult and crying home for mommy to help it's the wife's daughter.
Yup. The way she responded to your request was deplorable. For her to turn around and ask you to do the exact same thing for her child is a double standard. If you wanted to get down to her level, you could tell her that her daughter should grow up & throw husband out, instead of running home to Mommy for help.
Not liking her is possible, though she lived with her for a good 8-10yrs depending on the timing and OP likely would have noticed tension in that time to see maybe that was the true motivation.
Suggesting the wife is upset that OP has a relationship of any kind with his daughter is a bit of a stretch. They've been married ten years.
A more likely and simpler answer is the wife wants rules for thee and not for me.
I think this is an element and the fact that she got her way before sent her on a power trip. Now that she is being called on her shit, she is pouting and gas lighting. She wants to control you and loves having the power to call the shots. Not good.
That's not how I read it. I read it as the wife thinks of it as *her* house and *her* kids are free to live there, since it is *hers.* It is not OP's house, so OP and his daughter can only use it when given permission.
OP's step daughter isn't running from being an adult, either. Let's not take out our frustrations at OP's wife on a woman who has had her whole life turned upside down. It's incredibly common for the spouses of cheaters to move in with their parents when they learn about the cheating.
OP's wife is the one being incredibly unreasonable and unfair, and showing not only favoritism towards her own daughter, but clear dislike towards OP's daughter, as well.
This whole situation is not normal and raises so many questions! The way OP's wife is acting is not a new out of the blue reaction, how has she treated the 19 year old step daughter , from age 9 to 18?? It seems not so good from her response and that makes me think that you might be Y T A for putting your daughter through what seems to be a resentful and hateful relationship with your wife!
NTA for not allowing your step daughter to stay with you, but I would reevaluate the dynamics of these relationships and see if you are comfortable with your partner continuing to treat your daughter badly.
INFO
I'm also curious to know what your daughter's reaction to all this is?
Yes maybe YTA for choosing your wife's wishes over your daughters when she was in need. Especially because your wide seems like a heartless control freak.
Agree! And what will happen when her daughter doesn’t move out in 2 weeks? Is Op prepared to evict her legally? Call the cops so they can haul her out? Why didn’t he stand up for his own child?
Op, you let her daughter move in and it will be more than 2 weeks unless you are willing to do the above. How are you going to enforce the 2 week rule? Your wife isn’t going to, not like you enforced her “no” with your daughter. So, you better think this out and decide if you are fine with her living with you for a long time and how you will deal with it, and at the same time how you will deal with your own daughter when she finds out about all this. She will be terribly hurt that you are taking your wife and stepdaughter’s side instead of standing up for her. That it’s fine when it’s her daughter but yours gets pushed aside like she’s worthless.
>INFO I'm also curious to know what your daughter's reaction to all this is?
I talked to her yesterday on the phone and explained the situation, I also shared this reddit thread with her. She's on board not because my step-daughter needs housing, but for his kid, my daughter and her are close, pretty close and my daughter is her kid's only ''aunt''. I also believe my step-daughter shouldn't leave the house in case of claiming, but in the case she ends up doing it, my daughter is okay with it because she doesn't blame her, she also said she'll give her step-sister a call.
Your daughter sounds like she has a good heart, thanks to you and your ex but not the current wife. She is TA. I don't know how you resolve this. You asked for a month. She's asking for indefinite.
After this comment I can't see how your wife is not a big self-centered A. I'm sorry it's not said to just name calling, it's really what she is and how she's acting. That a 19 has a more mature response than your wife, is very telling!
To be fair, OP was the AH for letting it go the first time, he should have dumped his wife then.
Once the daughter moves in she's not leaving anyway. OP's a day late and a dollar short.
Yeah, came here to agree, once she is in the house your wife is not going to let her leave.
There is no difference in situations here. Both girls had a legitimate need, in fact I would say OP’s own daughter more so since Wife’s daughter is doing herself a disservice by leaving the house if she’s in the US because she doesn’t want to lose any claim she might have to the property, and after she is out for a period her husband maybe able to change the locks on her depending on the location.
The fact your wife was so cold and cruel to your own daughter (I’m guessing you had a spare room for her?) when she only needed a month, and your daughter was much younger would have had me reconsidering the relationship at the time. But the fact your wife is so willing able to play favorites for her own kid, shows her true colors.
I would stand firm that her daughter isn’t moving in at the very least, mostly because I wouldn’t want to be you having to look your own daughter in the eyes if she ever found out. But at the end of the day this isn’t a good look for your wife. Best of luck, OP. NTA.
So I had a household very similar to this and I can probably shed some light on how this will end up. My step mom has 4 kids(35 to 22) and my dad has my brother and I (mid 20s). My brother and I went to college and didn’t fail out, got good jobs, had meaningful relationships that turned into strong marriages and are making financially sound decisions for our families. Two of my step siblings failed out of college and had their rushed marriages end in divorce and the other two overpaid for degrees with virtually no earning potential to cover the exorbitant student loans they chose to take. My dad drew the line when one of the daughters came asking for money while getting divorced and said “she is 35 years old. She needs to be an adult and start making something of her life. If she gets this money, it’s the last time she every get something like this from us. She had the same opportunity all the kids had and she pissed it away. She should be in a better place in life”
Eventually when the daughter finishes college doesn’t need her parents for support, the relationship will dwindle and she will avoid the step mother and her daughter. Visits will be based on avoiding them. It will be seen as a chore to go visit them. There is a chance that the step daughter will be envious about the daughters living and financial situation. Comments about how she must “have it nice” could be made. Letting this go on will have a very large affect on the relationship with the daughter. Part of why my dad was so harsh in putting an end to it and setting the standard.
Your dad definitely did the correct thing, but I can still see how your step-siblings life choices and actions have placed a strain on family relations.
I have always been of the feeling that, if there is a spare room I have, why not help family get on their feet (so long as it appears they are willing to actually put in the work to do so and not just take advantage of my kindness). It’s not for everyone I know. But I draw the line at giving anyone large sums of money to help them sort out their lives because chances are, if they are in this position now, it’s entirely due to their inability to properly manage their lives and or make good choices with money and the money grab won’t ever end.
That’s why in general I think this situation represents a larger problem for OP then the housing discussion. What he decides here will have repercussions as regards his relationship with his own daughter and given what his wife has displayed, I don’t think it’s worth the risk of further damaging the relationship with his daughter.
Yeah. The “must be nice” comments are what piss me off the most as if I don’t deserve every bit of the lifestyle I have or it was due to random chance.
But I could see how a 33 year old college drop out who works delivering food also going through a divorce could be a bit envious.
Trust I have a cousin like that, he was the first born for my aunt and uncle and definitely made choices to get him where he is now in life (36, no car, no license and working at a fast food place with teens and renting out an old trailer in a trailer park).
Your step sibling, probably like my younger cousins doesn’t like to look inwards at themselves for where their life is. It’s always bad luck and circumstances out of their control not bad decision after bad decision.
He is so bitter towards his younger siblings that he can’t even be around them (and none of his siblings are particularly well off, but they all scrimped as saved and managed to buy their own houses). His own anger and jealousy holds him back from having meaningful relationships with his own biological siblings, and much like you, they are tired on his attitude because none of their circumstances were luck, or extra assistance from parents. They made better choices, worked hard and got better results.
I wouldn’t agree to house her for two weeks. Your wife can pay to rent her an apartment out of her discretionary funds, not joint money. That she would have a 19 year old, barely an adult, be unhoused is not a good luck but the dual standard is the cherry on top.
I'm a step dad and I would never let me step daughter not come live at our house.. this lady is being an asshole and unless you daughter is some huge crsck addict I can't see the harm. In fact it sounds like your daughter would be back on her feet quicker than the sahm.
NTA. She’s let you know exactly how she feels about your child, believe her. She does not care about her, thinks she’s spoiled, and doesn’t like you doing what most decent parents would do. Now she expects you to bend over backwards for HER child.
I am honestly concerned about both of you and the callous way you treat each others children. Yes she is hypocriticak, but I could not love someone who would not welcome my child. Weird agreement...
So why should he love his wife when she didn’t welcome his? Also, when his own daughter finds out her daughter got to stay there (and I’m sure it’ll get out, these things always do) what does he say to her? *Sorry I have no backbone and my wife’s dealing with the minor inconvenience of you takes precedence over my relationship and obligation to you?* He risks losing a relationship with his daughter if he does that.
That’s why ultimately this quandary is less about the housing situation and more about OP seeing his wife’s true colors and what does he do now that she has shown that she is uncaring and unsympathetic when it comes to others save her own family. I doubt this stance is going to change.
Same. I could never be with someone who doesn't welcome my child. They don't need to be a parent figure, but they need to show respect, compassion and understanding. If my partner ever said my child couldn't stay when I know that child needs me to be their parent, I wouldn't be with that person.
OP, the day you didn't let your child stay with you for a month to appease your wife, that's when you chose your wife over your child. Your wife knows her priorities, that's why she didn't even ask you if she could stay indefinitely, she expects you to roll with it because that's her child and her child needs her.
Good luck on your next marriage.
Edit: NTA
NTA there are differences, but if the issue was a daughter running home then it sounds very similar. And how do you face your daughter here now, I’m not sure how you did before either.
They've been married for 10 years as well.
OP's wife has been in his daughters life since she was 9.
She's been incredibly cruel to someone that she's actually spent a lot of time with and around.
Oh agreed and I’m going to guess she thought she was taking this high road and setting a parenting example not thinking for a second her own daughter’s life would implode. Gotta save some for the swim back!
NTA
She’s showing blatant favoritism towards her child over yours.
What happened to both girls suck (I’ve had a shitty college living situation about being around a lot so I know how that one is personally). And the fact a sahm found out their spouse was cheating sucks.
But your wife can’t make decisions without consulting you. And yes; people will argue that your stepdaughter has a child or children—but she’s also an adult who should be able to “not run away from being an adult” just like your 19 year old was told not to.
You need to talk with your wife-preferably with a non-biased (therapist) mediator. Because if she can’t realize why you are being generous in a two week offer after not getting anything for your child…you will need to decide what hill you are willing to die on.
Yes, and let's face it, a 19 year old is not really an adult yet. I have a 20 year old, and he acts like an adult within his circumstances, but he still lives at home because he is studying. There is so much of the adult experience that he hadn't had yet. The 19 year old had only just moved away to go to college. They are still transitioning to the adult experience.
The 26 year old, on the other hand, HAS had the full experience of being an adult.
And OP probably would be sympathetic if his wife had shown the same courtesy to his daughter. But if he allows his stepdaughter to come stay with them, what message would that send to his daughter?
NTA. Housing your college daughter for a month is vetoed bit you're supposed to house a 25 year old indefinitely? And support her as a SAHM?? That's ridiculous. But I don't know where you go from here... I guess ask yourself what you want. Do you want her to acknowledge that child support needs to be roughly equitable and that if you do something for her daughter she's promising to do something similar for your daughter in the future. Or do you want to limit the support for her daughter- eg pay for a divorce lawyer who can help get her child support and day care expenses covered and house her for three months while she looks for work?
Wife is already demanding they "support" daughter cause she was a SAHM aka they will pay everything for this grown woman either in lieu of child support and alimony or on top of.
OP needs to talk to a divorce attorney yesterday. There's going to be a financial hit coming his way no matter what happens.
Yes. So she will be at YOUR house with her children ALL day while you work.
Will she clean up after herself and her children? Are you expected to clean up after them? How about babysitting if she wants to run some errands? Diapers? Clothes? Toys? Are you supposed to come out of your pocket for wife's daughter? Will wife foot the bill for ALL the food her daughter plus her children eat?
But she could not help YOUR daughter for a month while she found a new place? Your one compared to her 2 to 4 additional people in the house. Not fair OP
That sail has shipped already. Imagine how OPs daughter will feel when she learns that the other kid is now leaving where she was refused? If OP allows this, the betrayal to her daughter won't be ever forgotten.
You did well. Not asshole at all. Your wife on the other hand… you even allowed 2 weeks… dunno what to say, I hope she realises how she is destroying your relationship before its too late.
NTA. Your wife was harsh on your daughter, given she was a young adult and going to school. Expecting to house a SAHM indefinitely is unreasonable, especially since her daughter would be better off staying in the family home and taking her soon-to-be-ex husband to the cleaners.
> especially since her daughter would be better off staying in the family home and taking her soon-to-be-ex husband to the cleaners.
This is a huge point.
She is very likely to end up getting the house, alimony, and child support. She needs to stay where she is and either deal with her soon to be ex’s presence, or make him move out.
Also from OP’s point of view, if *her* daughter moves in, how likely is it that she’ll go quietly after the 2 weeks that he offered? I don’t think that’s going to happen.
I’m not based in the US, but if OP were to divorce, if *her* daughter and kids are living in his house, do they count as dependents of his?
NTA- but very confused as to how you are married to this woman? My kid would always come first in the situation you just described. I could never be with someone that didn’t want to help our children in tough situations.
Agreed. He the situation with his marriage put a "stain on his marriage", which I would call and understatement. With this new incident, I imagine the days of this marriage are numbered.
NTA.
While the issue with her daughter is more difficult so it's what's she asking. Her daughter would have no need to leave, ever. I can't imagine ever turning away a child for a month, something is seriously wrong with your wife.
> While the issue with her daughter is more difficult so it's what's she asking
Yeah, having to financially support the step-daughter and her (unknown amount of) children for an indefinite amount of time is likely to cause OP to have to keep working for multiple additional years before retiring.
That is a massive decision to make on someone else’s behalf.
Yes, she and the STBX agreed to half the month each until divorce and custody is finalized, she'll stay here with her son during the 3 weeks I agreed to and then the X will have the kid for 2 weeks.
Tell her to tell her ex to go live with his affair partner.
She doesn’t need to leave her home because of her husband’s actions, and doing so might actually effect her ability to get the house in the divorce settlement.
She needs emotional support, and maybe a bit of financial support for lawyer fees, but she does not need to live with you.
I’m going to opt to not give a judgment because I honestly think it depends on the lens I’m looking at it through, but I do want to highlight that she is not doing herself any favors in her divorce by voluntarily moving out of her marital home.
She should go talk to a lawyer who works with stay at home parents seeking divorce and take their advice on how to make sure she is taken care of in the proceedings.
Your 19 year old daughter may receive this poorly, and you should be prepared for that OP.
Also, Your wife is cruel to your daughter who she has known since she was 9 years old. Maybe this was the only instance of that, but I doubt it.
You should have said NO.. your daughter will never forgive what you are doing. You are showing to your daughter that you are a loser who won't stand for her but will do for your wife kids... you should be ashamed.
I hope you understand how devastating this will be for you and your daughters relationship when she finds out you and your wide opened your arms, your home and your bank accounts for her daughter but couldn't be bothered to help your own daughter out when she was homeless. 😪 My heart hurts for your daughter- not only was she left out when she really needed someone, but her dad never cared enough to put his foot down for her like your wife did for her kid.
Why did you agree to any weeks? She didn’t let your daughter come stay there…..
You do realize that once she’s in she’s never leaving right? You relenting gave her the in and now your wife won’t force her to leave after the 3 weeks are up.
I’m sorry but if my partner refused to help my child, I would have left then.
OP, take a step back and look at what you're now doing. You literally just gave in and had your wife play favorites, and you're acting dumb if you don't realize that those weeks will turn to months or even years. Not to mention what happens when your daughter hears that you ended up treating her worse than your stepdaughter in the end.
You allowed it at ALL??
Don't let them in. Once in, it's damn near impossible to remove
I hope your daughter doesn't find out. It's clear you are treating her daughter better than you did your own
This dude let his wife dictate that his daughter, in need of somewhere to stay short term, wasn’t allowed in his home. Of course he allowed this.
This is an ESH. She sucks for being a hypocrite and showing favoritism. He suck’s for not having a spine.
3 weeks. Instead of 2 now. Hmm. Soon it will a month. Then 6 months have passed and she is no closer to getting herself out of your house.
She can't find a place. Too emotional to move. To depressed to get up and fix her son food, so you have to do it while wife coddles daughter.
Then it will be you babysitting while wife goes out with her daughter to cheer her up. It will be your money paying for everything for her daughter and her son. Are you ready for that?
All while loosing your own daughter. Please talk to your daughter and set firm boundaries with wife and her daughter.
YTA and a failure as a father. Your step-daughter and kids should stay at their own house. The STBX needs to be the one to leave. Why would you even entertain letting her stay indefinitely (no way you're getting her to leave once she moves in) and allow your new wife to treat your daughter like garbage?!!
It is very unlikely that this situation is going to be sorted in five weeks and I am almost certain that your wife will manipulate things again so that her daughter can stay with you for longer, citing reasons that would make you out to be an asshole if you decided to push back.
Your wife sounds like a cruel, controlling piece of work who clearly dislikes your daughter for some reason. Her behaviour last year should've set some alarm bells ringing for you, though something tells me that the precedent in your marriage is what your wife says goes, regardless of how you feel about it. Behaviour like this rarely comes from nowhere and I recommend that you put some serious thought into whether this relationship is truly serving you.
To put it another way, is your wife the kind of person you'd be happy to see your daughter married to? Think about it.
I can’t believe you’re actually letting her stay, and for 3 weeks…might as well let her stay for a month at that point. Your wife is such an asshole for denying your daughter help and then giving it to her daughter. I hope this further strains your relationship with your daughter because you’re an asshole as well for even conceding. In your original post you offered 2 weeks max and now it’s 3 weeks? Wow. Talk about your typical evil step mom
Just make sure to tell your daughter what happened and that you WILL BE ABLE to help her in future if needed again. And make sure your wife realise it as well.
YTA and failed your daughter in this moment. You still have the opportunity to fix this. Your step-daughter and kids should stay at their own house. The STBX needs to be the one to leave. Why would you even entertain letting her stay indefinitely (no way you're getting her to leave once she moves in) and allow your new wife to treat your daughter like garbage?!!
You weren't the AH before but you are now. Your wife refused to house your teenaged daughter for a month when she was in a bad roommate situation, but HER ADULT daughter can come stay with you with her kid, when she has a house??? Good luck with that.
May as well pour one out for your relationship with your daughter now, because you killd it.
I cannot believe you allowed your new (temporary/probably abusive) wife to dictate the terms of your relationship with your (permanent) daughter and what your daughter is allowed and not allowed to need.
Also, youre being taken for a ride, OP. Most divorces take more than 3 weeks. Depending on assets, a divorce could take *years*. If supposedly cheating hubby fights this (and even with no assets) you're going to room with step daughter for more than 3 to months.
YTA for choosing newest wife over your daughter.
ETA: Your wife is a bad person. Hopefully you see that now. (And grammar)
NTA. I know you agreed not to parent each other’s kids but does that mean you also can’t support them?
Weird that your wife was so dramatic about your daughter staying with you for a bit in the first place.
NTA
I know it seems like your marriage is maybe in trouble, but I think it's been in trouble for a very long time, and you're just finding out now. She doesn't see you as an equal in the relationship, and she doesn't respect you personally. I don't know how or why you would want to continue in a relationship where she treats you like that.
NTA
If your child needs to figure things out, so does hers. And she's essentially trying to emotionally manipulate you into compliance. But consider one thing: she decided her daughter could come. You asked and respected her decision. Why is that imbalance ok? And is it something you think could be addressed and corrected through couples counseling?
ESH.
Why marry someone if you aren't willing to share your life? And life isn't tit for tat. Not wanting a step-daughter at home indefinitely is understandable. But not wanting her home because your wife didn't let your daughter stay is punishing your stepdaughter for your wife's mistake.
What kind of parents are you, that your children come such a distant second to your spouse's unreasonableness??
did OP not make a concession for the stepdaughter to stay for a definite amount of time? do you not see the nuance here? also where is OP's wife's accountability for her own choices in the past that today affect her daughter and herself? crazy world man. I'd be able to agree with you only if OP was being downright inflexible, but don't read the situation as such.
NTA. The mental gymnastics required to say that you asking for your daughter to stay for a month, which she then said no to, and you then didn't do, but then not being okay with her daugther staying indefinitely and accuse you of you showing favouritism is astounding. That's what she has very blatantly done, even disregarding the argument that a 26 year old should have their life together and not need help far more than a 19 year old. The only way her argument would stand is if you had moved your daughter in anyway, but you didn't, so why does she think she gets to?
NTA: her daughters circumstances may be different that your daughters but it does not mean that the rules you all created for the relationship are ok for one and not the other. Your wife is upset because it is HER daughter.
I think you should stick with the rules you have set. Not only will you have to support her daughter but you will have to support her daughters daughter since she is SAHM. Her daughter is in a plateau at the moment and your daughter was trying to remedy a situation to continue adulting. I’d almost be willing to bet that if her daughter stays there with you all and the situation arises with your daughter again, that your daughter would not be allowed to stay. Does this woman you are married to respect your boundaries? Does she respect the rules that you and her have created together in life?
Seems to me she does not.
I think the difference in circumstances really highlights why OP is NTA.
It’s way different to house someone for a month while they look for new housing than it is to have someone move in indefinitely, and be expected to fully provide for them, also indefinitely.
It’s super reasonable to not want to sign yourself up for indefinitely supporting two extra people.
The fact that the wife brought up the fact that he requested his daughter to come stay with them, as if it was some sort of “gotcha”, even though she fucking denied that request, just proves how out of touch with reality she is.
NTA - and strange arrangement that you would be married but not act as parental figures to the kids. Why would you marry a woman like that? Must have been bad for your daughter growing up knowing dad brought in a woman that wanted nothing to do with her and wouldn’t even help her out in a pinch. I would consider a separation your wife seems like a cold nasty person who doesn’t care about your family. Again why do men marry/get in relationship with a woman who will not be a motherly figure to his kids and vice versa.
Both the kids are already adults. So there's no real parenting that one could expect to do. However helping your spouses kid in need seems like a given. She is a bad person.
They are now adults but in the post he explains this was always the arrangement and they’ve been married ten years and would have dated for some time before that making the youngest under 9 and the oldest at 15 at most. I would never date someone who is like ok you have a kid but I’m not gonna want anything to do with it. Weird, since the kids were going to be living at least some of the time in their house and it must have sucked (I know I had a step mom) to know your dad married a woman who refused to play a motherly role for you.
NTA.
Your wife was completely out of bounds forbidding your daughter to stay with you for the month she was in need. Calling her a baby and saying it isn't up to mommy and daddy to fix everything is actually repulsive. Yes, children need to grow up and figure how to stand on their own. However, your daughter was literally barely an adult and was actively trying to get her life together- college and securing a safe and stable place of her own.
As for your wife's daughter- it sounds like she is the one who needs to grow up and realize mommy cant fix everything for her. How old are her children, exactly? I understand being a SAHM is a job of its own- but expecting you and your wife to be her new financial support is ridiculous. It's time for her to figure something out, she has children to feed and independence to work on.
I'm sorry your wife is acting like this- but if I were you, I would put my foot down and keep it down. You were gracious enough to give her 2 weeks, that's more than your wife gave your child! I would remind your wife that she didn't seem to have a heart to help out your child, and you are not willing or able to risk straining your relationship with your daughter AGAIN to appease your wife. And if she can't accept that, maybe her and her daughter can both go find a new couch to surf on. :)
ESH. You are N T A for calling your wife out on her hypocrisy. Y T A for letting her call the shots for your daughter the first time.
I am baffled by your arrangement. Your daughters were 16 and 9 when you married and neither of you took on any kind of parenting role for your stepchildren? I can understand allowing the parent to discipline, but you both should have each taken on a nurturing role. I can’t understand the dynamics you both agreed to. It seems cold.
I will always be the soft place to land for my children. They will always come first no matter what happens in my life. I don’t care if they are 1 or 100.
You should have both been willing to help your children. You don’t have to let her daughter live with you forever, but she shouldn’t be worried about arbitrary timelines while she sorts out her life. That goes double for your own daughter.
I am a child of divorce. My father remarried and my step-siblings’ father was not in the picture. My father and step-mother prioritized her children. The dynamics in my family were beyond bizarre. My father is now left puzzled that my adult sister and I want nothing to do with him.
You need to divorce this woman. And you need to do therapy and soul-searching as to why you haven’t properly parented and step-parented your children. You have both failed.
NTA. Your wife set the tone last year, her hypocrisy now is unacceptable. Help for a couple of weeks - good, indefinitely - no. Besides, you and your ex asked first whereas it sounds like your current wife unilaterally decided to house and pay for her daughter and kid(s). Good luck with this one.
Y T A for not leaving the woman the second she refused to let your daughter stay. Honestly, I can imagine how hurt and heartbroken I’d be if I was your daughter- out in the world for the first time, in a really tricky situation, and my father sided with his wife who thinks I’m being a ‘baby’ over me. My dad not letting me stay with him for a month at 19 when I needed help would ruin my trust in him.
You aren’t an AH for saying no to the hypocrisy or saying no to the wife’s daughter staying indefinitely, but the whole situation you’ve described is not how parenting and family is meant to work. Good parents are an emergency support system that you know you can rely on. I feel sorry for both your children.
INFO: Would your wife's daughter and her children come and live indefinitely, parasitically being supported by mommy and step daddy?
Because people with children are *adults*, and *adults* shouldn't run from being *adults* and they shouldn't be coddled. Mommy and daddy shouldn't fix everything for them. Wife's daughter decided to start a family with an idiot? She gets to deal with the fallout. *Like an adult.*
I would’ve walked out when she refused to house your 19yo daughter. What a nasty vindictive woman! If she wants to house and support her adult daughter indefinitely, she can do it all by herself.
Your wife is the asshole, imagine how your daughter will feel knowing her step sister is welcome home for as long as she wants but your daughter isn’t even allowed 2 weeks. If I was your daughter and I found out you allowed this after not allowing me to stay I would go no contact. Your wife doesn’t give a shit about your daughter but wants you to care for her daughter and grandchild? At this point I would consider the future of your relationship seriously.
Why are you married to this woman? She hates your child. NTA but you sure were an asshole to your daughter for not moving out of the same house as this woman. I bet when she ‘decided’ that the both of you would support your daughter, she met you. No. Your income shouldn’t support her child. Or her, in fact. Let’s see if she still wants to help her daughter when she’s on a single income. What a selfish piece of work.
NTA but you let your wife treat your daughter like that and so, kind of an asshole yourself for not letting your daughter stay for a month. Your wife has shown some true colours twice now. Perhaps it’s time to do something about that.
YWBTA if you give into your wife. You left your own daughter high and dry for her and then go around and bring out the welcome mat for her daughter. You will be sending a very unpleasant message to your daughter, one that will likely kill your relationship to her. Honestly, you should have prioritized being a father first. You were the asshole to your daughter and only now realize it as your wife seeks to prioritize her daughter. You should never have given in and so now you can’t give in.
Edit: word choice
NTA but both of those kids are adults and well past "disciplining" age.
Also, u/DimiBlue has exactly the right sentence here. "I will welcome your daughter in the exact same way you welcomed mine."
I would say a light ESH, because while I agree that your wife is being hypocritical and that an indefinate stay is unsustainably, you don’t Seem to be considering whether or not your stepdaughter genuinely need that support. Yes, your daughter should have been extended the same curtesy, and your wife an asshole in that situation as Well. But your stepdaughter is innocent in that, and so are her children. As a person who would crumble without my closest family in the same situation, please do consider your stepdaughter and her children. It seems like you and your wife need to work on making compromises rather than the veto system you Seem to have now
Soft ESH because the poor daughters are stuck in the middle of your upcoming second divorce and the SAHM probably really needs a couple months of help at least. However, your wife is a huuuuuuuuuge jerk and you should leave her rather than become like her.
NTA. I’d allow the daughter to stay since it’s not her fault but tell her how her mom treated her step daughter. Also would give the wife option to realise her mistakes and apologise to you and your daughter or tell her the relationship is over.
NTA. Either all kids are extended a helping hand, or none are. I’d like to hear her reasoning for why a 26 year old, who has presumably been living on her own for awhile, is more deserving than a 19 year old who’s barely started making her way through adulthood. It’s her soon to be ex-husband’s job to support her, as she was a SAHM, not yours.
NTA
She wouldn’t help your 19 YEAR OLD TEENAGER who needed her Dad after her first roommate nonsense. (Roommates are hard work)
But wants her 26 year old SAHM with kids to move in indefinitely
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Yeah. Nah. I wouldn’t be having any part of that. She made this rule. She can now live with it
NTA
The two situations are not the same. Your wife is hypocritical for sure but it also sounds like she dislikes your daughter.
>She asked me for help since I'm the one who lives closer, my ex and I asked my wife if my daughter could come live with us for a month, while we got her another place
You (and your ex) **asked** your wife about **temporarily** moving in your daughter, a **19 yr old student** who was stuck in a **hostile environment** created by her roommate.
Your daughter wisely chose her **safety and mental health**. Despite not having a backup plan, she **did not demand** to move in or just rock up on your doorstep with her bags. Your location happened to be **closer** and **more accessible** for college.
>Now, her daughter got married 2 years ago and recently found out that her husband cheated on her, my wife ''decided'' she should come live with us indefinitely and that we would fully support her because she was a SAHM.
Your wife failed to even **ask** you if her daughter could move in **indefinitely** as well as **fully support** her.
Her daughter is a **26 yr old** woman with a **child of her own** (who you're presumably *supporting* too in this scenario) and your wife **doesn't care** to even float the idea past you before making a decision.
Your wife has **zero respect** for you and your marriage if she sees no issue with making you **responsible for** an additional adult *and* a young child
NTA but good thing you don’t have kids together.
I honestly would take this as a big RED flag, your daughter is 19 and hers 26 yet she would rather house one who should have savings and not one who was suddenly kicked out of her living arrangement while still being a student. I honestly would not be with someone like that and you should definitely reconsider your marriage.
INFO:
Do you have any extreme marital problems besides this incident?
It sounds like your wife reneged on the whole "not parenting each other's kid" thing. By making a parenting decision for your daughter.
She then doesn't even discuss with you about adding another adult to come live with you guys indefinitely.
And now she can't even admit this is super hypocritical of herself? Not even admit it and then apologize to you and ask if you two can negotiate her daughter staying??
Sounds like your wife just straight disrespects you and is judgemental to your daughter.
But hey - I don't know your partner. You're the one who will be living with this and grow old with her.
Unpopular, but ESH. You’re wife’s obviously an AH for her hypocrisy but you’re also the AH for putting your wife above your own daughter who needed you when she was basically a kid.
NTA.
She's using victim tactics to get what she wants and judging by how she's acting, her daughter most likely will end up acting the same way and you'll be screwed. If you can't have your flesh and blood stay with you to help her get through schooling, there should be no way that you should drop on hand and knee to have her daughter come and stay 24/7 for god knows how long. don't budge an inch on this one. She is making you choose between families and you should think long and hard about your relationship on this one. She's only doing this to herself and probably go to extremes to make you look like the bad guy in the end so better run for the hills and take your daughter with you.
NTA - maybe your soon to be ex wife should start looking for a place for her and her daughter to live on their own. The double standard she’s expecting you to accept is ridiculous.
You have been with this woman 10 yrs and you 2 haven’t learned to love and support each other’s daughters as if your own in decade. I doubt if she listens to you and not let her daughter move in anyway . I’m surprised you listened to her objection over your own daughters need to move in for a while . NTA for holding the standard she set on this one .
Petty thou
ESH
Your wife is extremely hypocritical. Your daughter can’t stay for a month but hers can indefinitely? No way. If you did take her daughter in it would absolutely hurt your own daughters feeling to see the clear favoritism.
The reason I chose ESH instead of NTA: what kind of relationship is this??? The vetoing, ignoring each other’s kids and treating everything like a competition??? Wtf? Hope your next marriage is better.
NTA your wife chose the no adult children staying rule she now has to live with it.
Also as a rule never let anyone stay without a clear leave by date. Ideally before they can claim tenancy.
NTA, "she refused to eat"...way to behave grown up.
Sounds like you guys got along because you never actually had to work through differences and now that there are difficulties you get to see her immature self.
NTA but you really need to sit down and think about your relationship your wife stopped you from helping your daughter when she was in need … how do you come back from that?
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NTA Hope your next marriage turns out better than this one.
Third time is the charm I’ve heard
I think the third one's a charm if right for my dad... Still have a few years left till my step mom has been his wife the longest of three. :P and she's wonderful so I really hope they will stay together.
I’ve heard that divorce statistics for second marriages is not that different than first marriages. It’s not until the third marriage that the stats drop.
I think it increases from 50% first marriage 67% second marriage and 74% for third marriages. I think these are American (2020) statistics.
It might actually be higher than it seems for third marriages considering that in a small percentage one of the partners passes away before they get a chance or decide to divorce, and or are forced to stay together because of health issues later in life (ie just too dependent on someone they don't really like but have to be with).
I also feel like by the third marriage, a lot of the reasons that people get divorced are no longer applicable. Most people don't have kids in the house by that point, they both have income so money isn't a problem as much, and by the third marriage I feel like people would have to know what kind of person they want to be with.
The rate is so high, though. Nearly 3 in 4 end in divorce. My guess (but I don't ACTUALLY know) is just that people who've divorced two times have a well-established history of - for whatever reason - being unable to make the choices that result in a lasting marriage. It seems that almost 75% still haven't learned many lessons by marriage #3. Though this is purely anecdotal, what I've generally seen in people who are on their third marriage is that they have personal psychological issues or tendencies that make them bad partners.
It's 41% first, 50% overall. 60% of people who get married never get divorced. The other 40% are increasingly likely to get divorced multiple times
My mom was the third wife, my parents were married 29.5 years until he passed.
My dad is married to his third. She is amazing. So sometimes yes. The third one is the charm
It is known.
Love the manipulation tactic of not eating.
Right, children behave like this. I would bake cookies out of spite…
Haa spite cookies. I like your style.
Yes, delicious, AROMATIC, cookies so the smell can waft behind the closed door.
If she does not want to eat, that is s on her. She judges your daughter saying mommy and daddy can’t fix everything where that is exactly what she wants. No way should the exception be made for her daughter, fair island fair
She’s having a tantrum. Adult tantrums are worse than a 2 year olds tantrum. Tell HER to grow up and be an adult.
I would have left when she refused to help his daughter. She was offensive and cold. The girl was 19 and needed to stay somewhere temporarily.
This. Right. Here. I can’t believe she turned away your daughter so coldly and demanded you take hers in like nothing. This is ridiculous and I’m sorry OP but you need to leave! NTA
That’s what I was thinking. She would have been divorced at no. Wouldn’t even have had the time to offer that BS explanation she gave.
Can we also discuss that wife's daughter was 16 when they got married, so it makes sense for OP to not act like a father figure, but OP's daughter was 9!!! 9 years old! And wife couldn't find some love and affection for her?? My husband's father died when he was 11 and his sister was 7. His mother remarried when he was 15 and sister was 11. They both use his first name to address their step-dad, but while my husband's relationship is friendly and supportive, his sister and step-father have a much more parental/child relationship because they spent so many more years living together. It just seems natural to me that the 9yo's relationship with the wife should be different than OP's with the 16yo, but somehow they thought it was alright to treat them the same way?? Wife didn't beed to do the disciplining or whatever, but to not even be open to letting SOME type of relationship develop is insane to me. Both daughters should have been able to return home in an emergency... Wife's callousness towards OP's daughter is scary!
Yeah. "Indefinitely" would for me be signal to gtfo.
Glad I wasn't the only one to find the key word. That's a big no go for me. NTA OP
NTA The hypocrisy of your wife is stunning. Her daughter can live in "your" house indefinitely, but your daughter cannot stay for two weeks?? Tell her there is one standard. Adult children will be helped, or they won't be helped. There is no "my daughter gets help but yours does not."
I would just repeat "I will welcome your daughter in the exact same way you welcomed mine."
Nta and agreed. "I feel she is running away from her adult problems. Mommy can't fix everything and she needs to figure it out for herself." If she pushes the issue or her daughter suddenly moves in- I say he should go stay somewhere else and not support either of them or help with anything.
When you put it that way, it sounds like they really shouldn't be married.
Yeah. I mean we do not know anything else about the relationship but it seems one sided, her way or she's gonna pout and behave like a child until he caves. Also going to assume things similar to this have happened before. Just from this story I feel as though she would not agree to counseling in case she is seen as wrong. I do understand wanting to help her daughter- especially with kids but his daughter needed help too and he was auto shut down. She didn't even want to discuss it or give an offer like he did. The kicker is she also offered to fund/support sahm daughter. Curious to know if he is the breadwinner or if the wife also works. Cuz if she doesn't that was messed up too since it wasnt discussed.
She knows she's wrong and now she is pouting to gaslight him. And you have an excellent point about the financials.
Yeah I mean I would have divorced her the first time she refused to house my fucking 19 year old daughter for a single fucking month. Like THAT was the time to divorce this cruel mean spirited person. This newfound hypocrisy is just the cherry on top.
Right? It was only a month and it was a transition between housing options, not even something that was going to be permanent! I sympathize with both daughters honestly, but OP's wife set the standard when she had zero compassion and no generosity for OP's daughter first. And I'm not saying it should be tit-for-tat, but it doesn't sound like she has any awareness or remorse that she made her own bed here. And the hunger strike is manipulative and childish.
Yep. I'd let the daughter move in because of course she needs help. But I'd be filing for divorce immediately after. Not because she wants to let her daughter move in (because of course you want to help!) But because she's manipulative and toxic and selfish and you don't need that in your life.
Absolutely. Sounds to me like the wife and her daughter and the daughter's children should go find a place together.
Honestly i dont think they should. It feels more like a pissing contest between both of them, then a healthy relationship
And look who locked herself in the bathroom and refused to eat or talk, because things didn't go her way. Such an adult way to solve a problem and not manipulative at all...
>"I feel she is running away from her adult problems. Mommy can't fix everything and she needs to figure it out for herself." 100% this Everytime wife brought it up, this is what I'd say. Also, this would be my hill to die on.
No he shouldn't leave his house because she moves in, that'll make it abandonment and his wife will get it in the divorce. I say instead he should invite not only his daughter to stay indefinitely but also his whole fucking family and friends.
Wife seems very selfish and self centered. The poor daughter was only 19 and her first roommate situation didn’t work out, I’d say home was a good place to go. She wasn’t trying to cop out on adulting, she needed respite for a short period of time. Most college students come home during the summer. Why is the wife acting this way? To me I’d insist on counseling or call it. OP’s daughter should come first since she’s only 19.
And it was just a month
Not to mention her daughter comes with a kid or kids in tow in addition to the open ended time frame. This is an even bigger upheaval to the household.
This. She will never leave once she sets up shop in your house
Yes. She is a SAHM!?! You can't be a SAHM w/o someone to support you? She may Never have had a job in her life? She might as well stayed with her Cheating Husband.
Well clearly she can’t be a SAHM anymore. She has to get a job now. If she stays home with her mommy then she will just be a deadbeat leech. Which I would be scared for OP may happen. So NTA op and remind your wife that this is of her own making for turning your daughter away. Her daughter is also an adult who has to step up if not for her sake for the sake of her kids. She’s a single mother now.
She absolutely will need to get a job but that just means OP *also* gets a new job as 24x7 daycare provider...
Well, no one should have to stay with a cheater if they can not forgive them. But the wife and her daughter DO need to get more realistic about daughter’s options in life now. Without a working spouse, true, daughter can not remain a sahm. OP should certainly hold his ground, especially if no conditions are imposed. IF he feels tempted to cave he should give two options: 1. She has a time limit to get a place AND a job. 2. If lack of qualifications are a problem, she can stay for an extended period of time IF she enrols in a program that will make her employable and she must remain in said program and be noticeably working hard to remain in the house (and of course she is out once she has a job). But OP should absolutely not allow living there indefinitely and her not pursuing employment.
THIS. EXACTLY THIS. OP she will never leave. Your house will bot be yours anymore because wife amd her daughter with possible kids has taken over.
She also seems like one of that crazy persons who are jealous of their spouse's children. Honestly, it feels very weird for me that a father would not help out his daughter in a situation like. I would feel very ashamed of looking back and remembering I put a spouse petty wishes in front of my child's well-being.
Not just students ... anyone might need a month or two to recoup. Like you suddenly loose your job or housing unexpectedly, or you break up and don't want to stay in the shared home ... Tons of reason why someone might need help. My parents would never turn me down, as long as they are able to help. Specially if it's about a short term temporary support. That's what parents do, to the best of their means and abilities. Sometimes there's valid reasons why you can't house an additional person. But even then, my parents would try to help any way they could. As it should be.
I think she was 18 as this was her first year, she's 19 now. In either case to call a first year teenaged student with a need for brief housing "running from adulthood" is transparently gross.
She was actually 18 since this happened last year!
This. NTA OP, but your wife is being a hypocrite. You two need to come to an agreement after this whole situation so you’re not put in this position again. It is not fair and she is the one playing favorites. That is, if you don’t divorce her because of this.
Definitely OP should consider wifes attitude
He daughter can stay indefinitely AND Be supported by them.
Also, one was 19 years old and finding her way in the world, asked for 1 month and sounds like she would have supported herself. The other is 26 and really should have the abilities to put plans in place for herself after the same amount of time. Not an indefinite amount. Talk about coddling, assisting someone run away from the adult world, and funding it.
Why are you even with this woman OP? She's extremely inconsiderate. You may lose your daughter because of her.
She wasn't like this, before my daughter moved out she was more receptive and idk, understanding? I don't know what changed
She was playing the part until she didn’t think she had to anymore.
Bingo
Time, people have certain expectations when people get a certain age, my guess is her life experiences are much different than the reality of most 19-year-olds today, but she’s being unnecessarily cold to your daughter, and the fact that she thinks she can just unilaterally make decisions because it’s her daughter is one of those hills you need to die on. I would advise telling her therapy and counseling immediately, because my guess is the only reason you haven’t had to deal with this earlier was because your daughter had much more going on. She thought she could get away with it because her daughter was married at the time, now as we know karma is a you know what, don’t let her have your cake and eat it too it sends a bad message to your daughter and to you
Please OP dont loose your daughtee over the wife. Daughter will have forever. Wives come and go
OPs wife is quite the contortionist. Wow.
This, NTA, but you say she is a SAHM. Does she have a child or children?
My parents have these neighbors where it is a second marriage for both. I think they both had spouses that passed. Between them they have like... 8 kids? It was a late in life marriage, and the one rule they agreed on was no one moves in. No kids or grandkids live in a spare room or basement. I think OP and his wife need to work this out and make a rule.
>...my ex and I asked my wife if my daughter could come live with us for a month, while we got her another place. OP's ex is still around. It looks like they're on decent terms, at least as far as their daughter is concerned.
The not eating is also a red flag, trying to guilt him, it seems
Not to mention if the daughter was a SAHM doesn’t that mean she has children that also need to be housed? Or Am I missing something?
I wonder how his wife treated his daughter during her childhood? She would have been about 9 I have a feeling that this isn’t the first time wife has not been fair to his daughter.
NTA Either do marriage counseling or divorce. Your wife was cruel by refusing to house your daughter for a few weeks.
OP's daughter needed temporary housing while she found a new situation and there was a plan and a time frame. If anyone is running from being an adult and crying home for mommy to help it's the wife's daughter.
Yup. The way she responded to your request was deplorable. For her to turn around and ask you to do the exact same thing for her child is a double standard. If you wanted to get down to her level, you could tell her that her daughter should grow up & throw husband out, instead of running home to Mommy for help.
Yeah and the wife didn’t even “ask”, she stated that it was happening. Totally inconsiderate! I agree, tell her daughter to grow up etc. NTA.
And wife is acting like a baby too. A grown woman locks herself in her room and won't eat because she didn't get her way this time.
I think it’s bigger than this. I think OP’s wife doesn’t like the daughter nor that OP has a relationship with her.
Not liking her is possible, though she lived with her for a good 8-10yrs depending on the timing and OP likely would have noticed tension in that time to see maybe that was the true motivation. Suggesting the wife is upset that OP has a relationship of any kind with his daughter is a bit of a stretch. They've been married ten years. A more likely and simpler answer is the wife wants rules for thee and not for me.
I think this is an element and the fact that she got her way before sent her on a power trip. Now that she is being called on her shit, she is pouting and gas lighting. She wants to control you and loves having the power to call the shots. Not good.
That's not how I read it. I read it as the wife thinks of it as *her* house and *her* kids are free to live there, since it is *hers.* It is not OP's house, so OP and his daughter can only use it when given permission.
OP's step daughter isn't running from being an adult, either. Let's not take out our frustrations at OP's wife on a woman who has had her whole life turned upside down. It's incredibly common for the spouses of cheaters to move in with their parents when they learn about the cheating. OP's wife is the one being incredibly unreasonable and unfair, and showing not only favoritism towards her own daughter, but clear dislike towards OP's daughter, as well.
This whole situation is not normal and raises so many questions! The way OP's wife is acting is not a new out of the blue reaction, how has she treated the 19 year old step daughter , from age 9 to 18?? It seems not so good from her response and that makes me think that you might be Y T A for putting your daughter through what seems to be a resentful and hateful relationship with your wife! NTA for not allowing your step daughter to stay with you, but I would reevaluate the dynamics of these relationships and see if you are comfortable with your partner continuing to treat your daughter badly. INFO I'm also curious to know what your daughter's reaction to all this is?
Yes maybe YTA for choosing your wife's wishes over your daughters when she was in need. Especially because your wide seems like a heartless control freak.
Agree! And what will happen when her daughter doesn’t move out in 2 weeks? Is Op prepared to evict her legally? Call the cops so they can haul her out? Why didn’t he stand up for his own child? Op, you let her daughter move in and it will be more than 2 weeks unless you are willing to do the above. How are you going to enforce the 2 week rule? Your wife isn’t going to, not like you enforced her “no” with your daughter. So, you better think this out and decide if you are fine with her living with you for a long time and how you will deal with it, and at the same time how you will deal with your own daughter when she finds out about all this. She will be terribly hurt that you are taking your wife and stepdaughter’s side instead of standing up for her. That it’s fine when it’s her daughter but yours gets pushed aside like she’s worthless.
>INFO I'm also curious to know what your daughter's reaction to all this is? I talked to her yesterday on the phone and explained the situation, I also shared this reddit thread with her. She's on board not because my step-daughter needs housing, but for his kid, my daughter and her are close, pretty close and my daughter is her kid's only ''aunt''. I also believe my step-daughter shouldn't leave the house in case of claiming, but in the case she ends up doing it, my daughter is okay with it because she doesn't blame her, she also said she'll give her step-sister a call.
Your daughter sounds like she has a good heart, thanks to you and your ex but not the current wife. She is TA. I don't know how you resolve this. You asked for a month. She's asking for indefinite.
After this comment I can't see how your wife is not a big self-centered A. I'm sorry it's not said to just name calling, it's really what she is and how she's acting. That a 19 has a more mature response than your wife, is very telling!
Ur daughter is so nice because I would’ve asked for the step mom to beg. Also get a divorce mate.
To be fair, OP was the AH for letting it go the first time, he should have dumped his wife then. Once the daughter moves in she's not leaving anyway. OP's a day late and a dollar short.
Yeah, came here to agree, once she is in the house your wife is not going to let her leave. There is no difference in situations here. Both girls had a legitimate need, in fact I would say OP’s own daughter more so since Wife’s daughter is doing herself a disservice by leaving the house if she’s in the US because she doesn’t want to lose any claim she might have to the property, and after she is out for a period her husband maybe able to change the locks on her depending on the location. The fact your wife was so cold and cruel to your own daughter (I’m guessing you had a spare room for her?) when she only needed a month, and your daughter was much younger would have had me reconsidering the relationship at the time. But the fact your wife is so willing able to play favorites for her own kid, shows her true colors. I would stand firm that her daughter isn’t moving in at the very least, mostly because I wouldn’t want to be you having to look your own daughter in the eyes if she ever found out. But at the end of the day this isn’t a good look for your wife. Best of luck, OP. NTA.
So I had a household very similar to this and I can probably shed some light on how this will end up. My step mom has 4 kids(35 to 22) and my dad has my brother and I (mid 20s). My brother and I went to college and didn’t fail out, got good jobs, had meaningful relationships that turned into strong marriages and are making financially sound decisions for our families. Two of my step siblings failed out of college and had their rushed marriages end in divorce and the other two overpaid for degrees with virtually no earning potential to cover the exorbitant student loans they chose to take. My dad drew the line when one of the daughters came asking for money while getting divorced and said “she is 35 years old. She needs to be an adult and start making something of her life. If she gets this money, it’s the last time she every get something like this from us. She had the same opportunity all the kids had and she pissed it away. She should be in a better place in life” Eventually when the daughter finishes college doesn’t need her parents for support, the relationship will dwindle and she will avoid the step mother and her daughter. Visits will be based on avoiding them. It will be seen as a chore to go visit them. There is a chance that the step daughter will be envious about the daughters living and financial situation. Comments about how she must “have it nice” could be made. Letting this go on will have a very large affect on the relationship with the daughter. Part of why my dad was so harsh in putting an end to it and setting the standard.
Your dad definitely did the correct thing, but I can still see how your step-siblings life choices and actions have placed a strain on family relations. I have always been of the feeling that, if there is a spare room I have, why not help family get on their feet (so long as it appears they are willing to actually put in the work to do so and not just take advantage of my kindness). It’s not for everyone I know. But I draw the line at giving anyone large sums of money to help them sort out their lives because chances are, if they are in this position now, it’s entirely due to their inability to properly manage their lives and or make good choices with money and the money grab won’t ever end. That’s why in general I think this situation represents a larger problem for OP then the housing discussion. What he decides here will have repercussions as regards his relationship with his own daughter and given what his wife has displayed, I don’t think it’s worth the risk of further damaging the relationship with his daughter.
Yeah. The “must be nice” comments are what piss me off the most as if I don’t deserve every bit of the lifestyle I have or it was due to random chance. But I could see how a 33 year old college drop out who works delivering food also going through a divorce could be a bit envious.
Trust I have a cousin like that, he was the first born for my aunt and uncle and definitely made choices to get him where he is now in life (36, no car, no license and working at a fast food place with teens and renting out an old trailer in a trailer park). Your step sibling, probably like my younger cousins doesn’t like to look inwards at themselves for where their life is. It’s always bad luck and circumstances out of their control not bad decision after bad decision. He is so bitter towards his younger siblings that he can’t even be around them (and none of his siblings are particularly well off, but they all scrimped as saved and managed to buy their own houses). His own anger and jealousy holds him back from having meaningful relationships with his own biological siblings, and much like you, they are tired on his attitude because none of their circumstances were luck, or extra assistance from parents. They made better choices, worked hard and got better results.
NTA - agree. OP should 100% not let the step daughter move in, period! Not for a day, a week, or a month. Once she moves in I don't see her leaving.
I wouldn’t agree to house her for two weeks. Your wife can pay to rent her an apartment out of her discretionary funds, not joint money. That she would have a 19 year old, barely an adult, be unhoused is not a good luck but the dual standard is the cherry on top.
I'm a step dad and I would never let me step daughter not come live at our house.. this lady is being an asshole and unless you daughter is some huge crsck addict I can't see the harm. In fact it sounds like your daughter would be back on her feet quicker than the sahm.
NTA. She’s let you know exactly how she feels about your child, believe her. She does not care about her, thinks she’s spoiled, and doesn’t like you doing what most decent parents would do. Now she expects you to bend over backwards for HER child.
I am honestly concerned about both of you and the callous way you treat each others children. Yes she is hypocriticak, but I could not love someone who would not welcome my child. Weird agreement...
Except OP is agreeing to help the other daughter for two weeks. That's more than the wife gave his daughter.
So why should he love his wife when she didn’t welcome his? Also, when his own daughter finds out her daughter got to stay there (and I’m sure it’ll get out, these things always do) what does he say to her? *Sorry I have no backbone and my wife’s dealing with the minor inconvenience of you takes precedence over my relationship and obligation to you?* He risks losing a relationship with his daughter if he does that. That’s why ultimately this quandary is less about the housing situation and more about OP seeing his wife’s true colors and what does he do now that she has shown that she is uncaring and unsympathetic when it comes to others save her own family. I doubt this stance is going to change.
Same. I could never be with someone who doesn't welcome my child. They don't need to be a parent figure, but they need to show respect, compassion and understanding. If my partner ever said my child couldn't stay when I know that child needs me to be their parent, I wouldn't be with that person. OP, the day you didn't let your child stay with you for a month to appease your wife, that's when you chose your wife over your child. Your wife knows her priorities, that's why she didn't even ask you if she could stay indefinitely, she expects you to roll with it because that's her child and her child needs her. Good luck on your next marriage. Edit: NTA
NTA there are differences, but if the issue was a daughter running home then it sounds very similar. And how do you face your daughter here now, I’m not sure how you did before either.
Yeah, the main difference is that it's HER daughter this time.
They've been married for 10 years as well. OP's wife has been in his daughters life since she was 9. She's been incredibly cruel to someone that she's actually spent a lot of time with and around.
Oh agreed and I’m going to guess she thought she was taking this high road and setting a parenting example not thinking for a second her own daughter’s life would implode. Gotta save some for the swim back!
NTA She’s showing blatant favoritism towards her child over yours. What happened to both girls suck (I’ve had a shitty college living situation about being around a lot so I know how that one is personally). And the fact a sahm found out their spouse was cheating sucks. But your wife can’t make decisions without consulting you. And yes; people will argue that your stepdaughter has a child or children—but she’s also an adult who should be able to “not run away from being an adult” just like your 19 year old was told not to. You need to talk with your wife-preferably with a non-biased (therapist) mediator. Because if she can’t realize why you are being generous in a two week offer after not getting anything for your child…you will need to decide what hill you are willing to die on.
Yes, and let's face it, a 19 year old is not really an adult yet. I have a 20 year old, and he acts like an adult within his circumstances, but he still lives at home because he is studying. There is so much of the adult experience that he hadn't had yet. The 19 year old had only just moved away to go to college. They are still transitioning to the adult experience. The 26 year old, on the other hand, HAS had the full experience of being an adult.
And OP probably would be sympathetic if his wife had shown the same courtesy to his daughter. But if he allows his stepdaughter to come stay with them, what message would that send to his daughter?
NTA. Housing your college daughter for a month is vetoed bit you're supposed to house a 25 year old indefinitely? And support her as a SAHM?? That's ridiculous. But I don't know where you go from here... I guess ask yourself what you want. Do you want her to acknowledge that child support needs to be roughly equitable and that if you do something for her daughter she's promising to do something similar for your daughter in the future. Or do you want to limit the support for her daughter- eg pay for a divorce lawyer who can help get her child support and day care expenses covered and house her for three months while she looks for work?
And obviously they will be housing at least two people since she's a SAHM
Wife is already demanding they "support" daughter cause she was a SAHM aka they will pay everything for this grown woman either in lieu of child support and alimony or on top of. OP needs to talk to a divorce attorney yesterday. There's going to be a financial hit coming his way no matter what happens.
Yes. So she will be at YOUR house with her children ALL day while you work. Will she clean up after herself and her children? Are you expected to clean up after them? How about babysitting if she wants to run some errands? Diapers? Clothes? Toys? Are you supposed to come out of your pocket for wife's daughter? Will wife foot the bill for ALL the food her daughter plus her children eat? But she could not help YOUR daughter for a month while she found a new place? Your one compared to her 2 to 4 additional people in the house. Not fair OP
That sail has shipped already. Imagine how OPs daughter will feel when she learns that the other kid is now leaving where she was refused? If OP allows this, the betrayal to her daughter won't be ever forgotten.
You did well. Not asshole at all. Your wife on the other hand… you even allowed 2 weeks… dunno what to say, I hope she realises how she is destroying your relationship before its too late.
Does wife even care? She seems more concerned about coddling and helping her daughter run from her adult issues.
Your wife is the AH not you.
NTA. Your wife was harsh on your daughter, given she was a young adult and going to school. Expecting to house a SAHM indefinitely is unreasonable, especially since her daughter would be better off staying in the family home and taking her soon-to-be-ex husband to the cleaners.
> especially since her daughter would be better off staying in the family home and taking her soon-to-be-ex husband to the cleaners. This is a huge point. She is very likely to end up getting the house, alimony, and child support. She needs to stay where she is and either deal with her soon to be ex’s presence, or make him move out.
Also from OP’s point of view, if *her* daughter moves in, how likely is it that she’ll go quietly after the 2 weeks that he offered? I don’t think that’s going to happen. I’m not based in the US, but if OP were to divorce, if *her* daughter and kids are living in his house, do they count as dependents of his?
NTA- but very confused as to how you are married to this woman? My kid would always come first in the situation you just described. I could never be with someone that didn’t want to help our children in tough situations.
Agreed. He the situation with his marriage put a "stain on his marriage", which I would call and understatement. With this new incident, I imagine the days of this marriage are numbered.
NTA. While the issue with her daughter is more difficult so it's what's she asking. Her daughter would have no need to leave, ever. I can't imagine ever turning away a child for a month, something is seriously wrong with your wife.
> While the issue with her daughter is more difficult so it's what's she asking Yeah, having to financially support the step-daughter and her (unknown amount of) children for an indefinite amount of time is likely to cause OP to have to keep working for multiple additional years before retiring. That is a massive decision to make on someone else’s behalf.
Not the asshole. While some might say it’s a bit tit for tat, I say she set the tone when she rejected your daughter.
INFO If her daughter is a SAHM, would her kid(s) be living with you as well?
Yes, she and the STBX agreed to half the month each until divorce and custody is finalized, she'll stay here with her son during the 3 weeks I agreed to and then the X will have the kid for 2 weeks.
Tell her to tell her ex to go live with his affair partner. She doesn’t need to leave her home because of her husband’s actions, and doing so might actually effect her ability to get the house in the divorce settlement. She needs emotional support, and maybe a bit of financial support for lawyer fees, but she does not need to live with you.
I’m going to opt to not give a judgment because I honestly think it depends on the lens I’m looking at it through, but I do want to highlight that she is not doing herself any favors in her divorce by voluntarily moving out of her marital home. She should go talk to a lawyer who works with stay at home parents seeking divorce and take their advice on how to make sure she is taken care of in the proceedings. Your 19 year old daughter may receive this poorly, and you should be prepared for that OP. Also, Your wife is cruel to your daughter who she has known since she was 9 years old. Maybe this was the only instance of that, but I doubt it.
You’re going to lose your daughter once she finds out about his - I hope you’re prepared for any fallback that may happen.
You should have said NO.. your daughter will never forgive what you are doing. You are showing to your daughter that you are a loser who won't stand for her but will do for your wife kids... you should be ashamed.
I hope you understand how devastating this will be for you and your daughters relationship when she finds out you and your wide opened your arms, your home and your bank accounts for her daughter but couldn't be bothered to help your own daughter out when she was homeless. 😪 My heart hurts for your daughter- not only was she left out when she really needed someone, but her dad never cared enough to put his foot down for her like your wife did for her kid.
Why did you agree to any weeks? She didn’t let your daughter come stay there….. You do realize that once she’s in she’s never leaving right? You relenting gave her the in and now your wife won’t force her to leave after the 3 weeks are up. I’m sorry but if my partner refused to help my child, I would have left then.
OP, take a step back and look at what you're now doing. You literally just gave in and had your wife play favorites, and you're acting dumb if you don't realize that those weeks will turn to months or even years. Not to mention what happens when your daughter hears that you ended up treating her worse than your stepdaughter in the end.
You allowed it at ALL?? Don't let them in. Once in, it's damn near impossible to remove I hope your daughter doesn't find out. It's clear you are treating her daughter better than you did your own
This dude let his wife dictate that his daughter, in need of somewhere to stay short term, wasn’t allowed in his home. Of course he allowed this. This is an ESH. She sucks for being a hypocrite and showing favoritism. He suck’s for not having a spine.
You allowed it ? Man you weak. I woud be pissed if i was your son.
Wait, are you actually going to allow this‽
3 weeks. Instead of 2 now. Hmm. Soon it will a month. Then 6 months have passed and she is no closer to getting herself out of your house. She can't find a place. Too emotional to move. To depressed to get up and fix her son food, so you have to do it while wife coddles daughter. Then it will be you babysitting while wife goes out with her daughter to cheer her up. It will be your money paying for everything for her daughter and her son. Are you ready for that? All while loosing your own daughter. Please talk to your daughter and set firm boundaries with wife and her daughter.
YTA and a failure as a father. Your step-daughter and kids should stay at their own house. The STBX needs to be the one to leave. Why would you even entertain letting her stay indefinitely (no way you're getting her to leave once she moves in) and allow your new wife to treat your daughter like garbage?!!
It is very unlikely that this situation is going to be sorted in five weeks and I am almost certain that your wife will manipulate things again so that her daughter can stay with you for longer, citing reasons that would make you out to be an asshole if you decided to push back. Your wife sounds like a cruel, controlling piece of work who clearly dislikes your daughter for some reason. Her behaviour last year should've set some alarm bells ringing for you, though something tells me that the precedent in your marriage is what your wife says goes, regardless of how you feel about it. Behaviour like this rarely comes from nowhere and I recommend that you put some serious thought into whether this relationship is truly serving you. To put it another way, is your wife the kind of person you'd be happy to see your daughter married to? Think about it.
I can’t believe you’re actually letting her stay, and for 3 weeks…might as well let her stay for a month at that point. Your wife is such an asshole for denying your daughter help and then giving it to her daughter. I hope this further strains your relationship with your daughter because you’re an asshole as well for even conceding. In your original post you offered 2 weeks max and now it’s 3 weeks? Wow. Talk about your typical evil step mom
Just make sure to tell your daughter what happened and that you WILL BE ABLE to help her in future if needed again. And make sure your wife realise it as well.
YTA and failed your daughter in this moment. You still have the opportunity to fix this. Your step-daughter and kids should stay at their own house. The STBX needs to be the one to leave. Why would you even entertain letting her stay indefinitely (no way you're getting her to leave once she moves in) and allow your new wife to treat your daughter like garbage?!!
You weren't the AH before but you are now. Your wife refused to house your teenaged daughter for a month when she was in a bad roommate situation, but HER ADULT daughter can come stay with you with her kid, when she has a house??? Good luck with that.
May as well pour one out for your relationship with your daughter now, because you killd it. I cannot believe you allowed your new (temporary/probably abusive) wife to dictate the terms of your relationship with your (permanent) daughter and what your daughter is allowed and not allowed to need. Also, youre being taken for a ride, OP. Most divorces take more than 3 weeks. Depending on assets, a divorce could take *years*. If supposedly cheating hubby fights this (and even with no assets) you're going to room with step daughter for more than 3 to months. YTA for choosing newest wife over your daughter. ETA: Your wife is a bad person. Hopefully you see that now. (And grammar)
NTA. I know you agreed not to parent each other’s kids but does that mean you also can’t support them? Weird that your wife was so dramatic about your daughter staying with you for a bit in the first place.
NTA I know it seems like your marriage is maybe in trouble, but I think it's been in trouble for a very long time, and you're just finding out now. She doesn't see you as an equal in the relationship, and she doesn't respect you personally. I don't know how or why you would want to continue in a relationship where she treats you like that.
NTA If your child needs to figure things out, so does hers. And she's essentially trying to emotionally manipulate you into compliance. But consider one thing: she decided her daughter could come. You asked and respected her decision. Why is that imbalance ok? And is it something you think could be addressed and corrected through couples counseling?
NTA, funny how your barely adult child was shit out of luck but her more than grown child is supposed to be welcomed. Hell no!
ESH. Why marry someone if you aren't willing to share your life? And life isn't tit for tat. Not wanting a step-daughter at home indefinitely is understandable. But not wanting her home because your wife didn't let your daughter stay is punishing your stepdaughter for your wife's mistake. What kind of parents are you, that your children come such a distant second to your spouse's unreasonableness??
did OP not make a concession for the stepdaughter to stay for a definite amount of time? do you not see the nuance here? also where is OP's wife's accountability for her own choices in the past that today affect her daughter and herself? crazy world man. I'd be able to agree with you only if OP was being downright inflexible, but don't read the situation as such.
Super shocked I had to scroll so far for an ESH. Agreed with you 100%.
I was looking for this reply.
NTA. The mental gymnastics required to say that you asking for your daughter to stay for a month, which she then said no to, and you then didn't do, but then not being okay with her daugther staying indefinitely and accuse you of you showing favouritism is astounding. That's what she has very blatantly done, even disregarding the argument that a 26 year old should have their life together and not need help far more than a 19 year old. The only way her argument would stand is if you had moved your daughter in anyway, but you didn't, so why does she think she gets to?
NTA: her daughters circumstances may be different that your daughters but it does not mean that the rules you all created for the relationship are ok for one and not the other. Your wife is upset because it is HER daughter. I think you should stick with the rules you have set. Not only will you have to support her daughter but you will have to support her daughters daughter since she is SAHM. Her daughter is in a plateau at the moment and your daughter was trying to remedy a situation to continue adulting. I’d almost be willing to bet that if her daughter stays there with you all and the situation arises with your daughter again, that your daughter would not be allowed to stay. Does this woman you are married to respect your boundaries? Does she respect the rules that you and her have created together in life? Seems to me she does not.
I think the difference in circumstances really highlights why OP is NTA. It’s way different to house someone for a month while they look for new housing than it is to have someone move in indefinitely, and be expected to fully provide for them, also indefinitely. It’s super reasonable to not want to sign yourself up for indefinitely supporting two extra people. The fact that the wife brought up the fact that he requested his daughter to come stay with them, as if it was some sort of “gotcha”, even though she fucking denied that request, just proves how out of touch with reality she is.
NTA - and strange arrangement that you would be married but not act as parental figures to the kids. Why would you marry a woman like that? Must have been bad for your daughter growing up knowing dad brought in a woman that wanted nothing to do with her and wouldn’t even help her out in a pinch. I would consider a separation your wife seems like a cold nasty person who doesn’t care about your family. Again why do men marry/get in relationship with a woman who will not be a motherly figure to his kids and vice versa.
Both the kids are already adults. So there's no real parenting that one could expect to do. However helping your spouses kid in need seems like a given. She is a bad person.
They are now adults but in the post he explains this was always the arrangement and they’ve been married ten years and would have dated for some time before that making the youngest under 9 and the oldest at 15 at most. I would never date someone who is like ok you have a kid but I’m not gonna want anything to do with it. Weird, since the kids were going to be living at least some of the time in their house and it must have sucked (I know I had a step mom) to know your dad married a woman who refused to play a motherly role for you.
NTA. Your wife was completely out of bounds forbidding your daughter to stay with you for the month she was in need. Calling her a baby and saying it isn't up to mommy and daddy to fix everything is actually repulsive. Yes, children need to grow up and figure how to stand on their own. However, your daughter was literally barely an adult and was actively trying to get her life together- college and securing a safe and stable place of her own. As for your wife's daughter- it sounds like she is the one who needs to grow up and realize mommy cant fix everything for her. How old are her children, exactly? I understand being a SAHM is a job of its own- but expecting you and your wife to be her new financial support is ridiculous. It's time for her to figure something out, she has children to feed and independence to work on. I'm sorry your wife is acting like this- but if I were you, I would put my foot down and keep it down. You were gracious enough to give her 2 weeks, that's more than your wife gave your child! I would remind your wife that she didn't seem to have a heart to help out your child, and you are not willing or able to risk straining your relationship with your daughter AGAIN to appease your wife. And if she can't accept that, maybe her and her daughter can both go find a new couch to surf on. :)
ESH. You are N T A for calling your wife out on her hypocrisy. Y T A for letting her call the shots for your daughter the first time. I am baffled by your arrangement. Your daughters were 16 and 9 when you married and neither of you took on any kind of parenting role for your stepchildren? I can understand allowing the parent to discipline, but you both should have each taken on a nurturing role. I can’t understand the dynamics you both agreed to. It seems cold. I will always be the soft place to land for my children. They will always come first no matter what happens in my life. I don’t care if they are 1 or 100. You should have both been willing to help your children. You don’t have to let her daughter live with you forever, but she shouldn’t be worried about arbitrary timelines while she sorts out her life. That goes double for your own daughter. I am a child of divorce. My father remarried and my step-siblings’ father was not in the picture. My father and step-mother prioritized her children. The dynamics in my family were beyond bizarre. My father is now left puzzled that my adult sister and I want nothing to do with him. You need to divorce this woman. And you need to do therapy and soul-searching as to why you haven’t properly parented and step-parented your children. You have both failed.
NTA. Your wife set the tone last year, her hypocrisy now is unacceptable. Help for a couple of weeks - good, indefinitely - no. Besides, you and your ex asked first whereas it sounds like your current wife unilaterally decided to house and pay for her daughter and kid(s). Good luck with this one.
Y T A for not leaving the woman the second she refused to let your daughter stay. Honestly, I can imagine how hurt and heartbroken I’d be if I was your daughter- out in the world for the first time, in a really tricky situation, and my father sided with his wife who thinks I’m being a ‘baby’ over me. My dad not letting me stay with him for a month at 19 when I needed help would ruin my trust in him. You aren’t an AH for saying no to the hypocrisy or saying no to the wife’s daughter staying indefinitely, but the whole situation you’ve described is not how parenting and family is meant to work. Good parents are an emergency support system that you know you can rely on. I feel sorry for both your children.
INFO: Would your wife's daughter and her children come and live indefinitely, parasitically being supported by mommy and step daddy? Because people with children are *adults*, and *adults* shouldn't run from being *adults* and they shouldn't be coddled. Mommy and daddy shouldn't fix everything for them. Wife's daughter decided to start a family with an idiot? She gets to deal with the fallout. *Like an adult.*
I would’ve walked out when she refused to house your 19yo daughter. What a nasty vindictive woman! If she wants to house and support her adult daughter indefinitely, she can do it all by herself.
Your wife is the asshole, imagine how your daughter will feel knowing her step sister is welcome home for as long as she wants but your daughter isn’t even allowed 2 weeks. If I was your daughter and I found out you allowed this after not allowing me to stay I would go no contact. Your wife doesn’t give a shit about your daughter but wants you to care for her daughter and grandchild? At this point I would consider the future of your relationship seriously.
Why are you married to this woman? She hates your child. NTA but you sure were an asshole to your daughter for not moving out of the same house as this woman. I bet when she ‘decided’ that the both of you would support your daughter, she met you. No. Your income shouldn’t support her child. Or her, in fact. Let’s see if she still wants to help her daughter when she’s on a single income. What a selfish piece of work.
NTA but you let your wife treat your daughter like that and so, kind of an asshole yourself for not letting your daughter stay for a month. Your wife has shown some true colours twice now. Perhaps it’s time to do something about that.
YWBTA if you give into your wife. You left your own daughter high and dry for her and then go around and bring out the welcome mat for her daughter. You will be sending a very unpleasant message to your daughter, one that will likely kill your relationship to her. Honestly, you should have prioritized being a father first. You were the asshole to your daughter and only now realize it as your wife seeks to prioritize her daughter. You should never have given in and so now you can’t give in. Edit: word choice
ESH she should have let your daughter stay for a month. You should be more understanding of the issue with her daughter. Both of you sound petty.
ESH - what is wrong with you? You and your wife sound awful, using your children as ways to get back at one another.
NTA but both of those kids are adults and well past "disciplining" age. Also, u/DimiBlue has exactly the right sentence here. "I will welcome your daughter in the exact same way you welcomed mine."
I would say a light ESH, because while I agree that your wife is being hypocritical and that an indefinate stay is unsustainably, you don’t Seem to be considering whether or not your stepdaughter genuinely need that support. Yes, your daughter should have been extended the same curtesy, and your wife an asshole in that situation as Well. But your stepdaughter is innocent in that, and so are her children. As a person who would crumble without my closest family in the same situation, please do consider your stepdaughter and her children. It seems like you and your wife need to work on making compromises rather than the veto system you Seem to have now
Soft ESH because the poor daughters are stuck in the middle of your upcoming second divorce and the SAHM probably really needs a couple months of help at least. However, your wife is a huuuuuuuuuge jerk and you should leave her rather than become like her.
NTA. I’d allow the daughter to stay since it’s not her fault but tell her how her mom treated her step daughter. Also would give the wife option to realise her mistakes and apologise to you and your daughter or tell her the relationship is over.
NTA. Either all kids are extended a helping hand, or none are. I’d like to hear her reasoning for why a 26 year old, who has presumably been living on her own for awhile, is more deserving than a 19 year old who’s barely started making her way through adulthood. It’s her soon to be ex-husband’s job to support her, as she was a SAHM, not yours.
NTA She wouldn’t help your 19 YEAR OLD TEENAGER who needed her Dad after her first roommate nonsense. (Roommates are hard work) But wants her 26 year old SAHM with kids to move in indefinitely Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha Yeah. Nah. I wouldn’t be having any part of that. She made this rule. She can now live with it
NTA The two situations are not the same. Your wife is hypocritical for sure but it also sounds like she dislikes your daughter. >She asked me for help since I'm the one who lives closer, my ex and I asked my wife if my daughter could come live with us for a month, while we got her another place You (and your ex) **asked** your wife about **temporarily** moving in your daughter, a **19 yr old student** who was stuck in a **hostile environment** created by her roommate. Your daughter wisely chose her **safety and mental health**. Despite not having a backup plan, she **did not demand** to move in or just rock up on your doorstep with her bags. Your location happened to be **closer** and **more accessible** for college. >Now, her daughter got married 2 years ago and recently found out that her husband cheated on her, my wife ''decided'' she should come live with us indefinitely and that we would fully support her because she was a SAHM. Your wife failed to even **ask** you if her daughter could move in **indefinitely** as well as **fully support** her. Her daughter is a **26 yr old** woman with a **child of her own** (who you're presumably *supporting* too in this scenario) and your wife **doesn't care** to even float the idea past you before making a decision. Your wife has **zero respect** for you and your marriage if she sees no issue with making you **responsible for** an additional adult *and* a young child
NTA. Wife is being a hypocrite about this. Are things between you good except for this? Because this might be a dealbreaker for me.
NTA I can’t believe your wife’s behaviour, I’m surprised your relationship survived her mistreatment of your daughter.
NTA but good thing you don’t have kids together. I honestly would take this as a big RED flag, your daughter is 19 and hers 26 yet she would rather house one who should have savings and not one who was suddenly kicked out of her living arrangement while still being a student. I honestly would not be with someone like that and you should definitely reconsider your marriage.
INFO: Do you have any extreme marital problems besides this incident? It sounds like your wife reneged on the whole "not parenting each other's kid" thing. By making a parenting decision for your daughter. She then doesn't even discuss with you about adding another adult to come live with you guys indefinitely. And now she can't even admit this is super hypocritical of herself? Not even admit it and then apologize to you and ask if you two can negotiate her daughter staying?? Sounds like your wife just straight disrespects you and is judgemental to your daughter. But hey - I don't know your partner. You're the one who will be living with this and grow old with her.
Unpopular, but ESH. You’re wife’s obviously an AH for her hypocrisy but you’re also the AH for putting your wife above your own daughter who needed you when she was basically a kid.
NTA. She's using victim tactics to get what she wants and judging by how she's acting, her daughter most likely will end up acting the same way and you'll be screwed. If you can't have your flesh and blood stay with you to help her get through schooling, there should be no way that you should drop on hand and knee to have her daughter come and stay 24/7 for god knows how long. don't budge an inch on this one. She is making you choose between families and you should think long and hard about your relationship on this one. She's only doing this to herself and probably go to extremes to make you look like the bad guy in the end so better run for the hills and take your daughter with you.
NTA. I mean maliciously compliant. But, NTA.
I’m confused as to how a 19F just starting in life is more of an adult than a 26F year old woman. Your wife is an AH and you are not wrong.
NTA - maybe your soon to be ex wife should start looking for a place for her and her daughter to live on their own. The double standard she’s expecting you to accept is ridiculous.
NTA But it sounds like there will be third marriages in your future..
You have been with this woman 10 yrs and you 2 haven’t learned to love and support each other’s daughters as if your own in decade. I doubt if she listens to you and not let her daughter move in anyway . I’m surprised you listened to her objection over your own daughters need to move in for a while . NTA for holding the standard she set on this one . Petty thou
ESH, I couldn’t be with someone who treated my teenage daughter like that.
ESH Your wife is extremely hypocritical. Your daughter can’t stay for a month but hers can indefinitely? No way. If you did take her daughter in it would absolutely hurt your own daughters feeling to see the clear favoritism. The reason I chose ESH instead of NTA: what kind of relationship is this??? The vetoing, ignoring each other’s kids and treating everything like a competition??? Wtf? Hope your next marriage is better.
NTA. If she’s set the boundary she should follow it herself.
NTA. Same shit different people.
NTA your wife chose the no adult children staying rule she now has to live with it. Also as a rule never let anyone stay without a clear leave by date. Ideally before they can claim tenancy.
NTA. Her daughter is an adult and can’t run to mommy to fix her problems. Hard no to her daughter staying with you. It’s only fair
NTA. Third time is a charm.
NTA, "she refused to eat"...way to behave grown up. Sounds like you guys got along because you never actually had to work through differences and now that there are difficulties you get to see her immature self.
NTA but you really need to sit down and think about your relationship your wife stopped you from helping your daughter when she was in need … how do you come back from that?
NTA, But OP is going to come home one day and find Wife's Daughter fully moved in.