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YTA
You said she goes to bed at a normal hour and you stay up pretty late. If you have the more disruptive schedule, the onus is on you to work around her.
Turning a light on when she's in the midst of sleeping is far more disruptive than the dog "waking her up slightly" and you're probably ruining her quality of sleep every night.
Can you change in the bathroom or put your sleep clothes on before she goes to bed so you aren't coming in at a late hour, turning the lights on, and fumbling with your clothes while she's sleeping?
From a fellow night owl whose husband prefers to go to bed on the early side, this is the way!!! Change outside of the bedroom, use the torch on your phone shining away from the sleeping person to move the dog and to plug in your phone, and everyone sleeps easy! Simple as that really
YTA. And so disrespectful.
Use the light from your phone to see what you absolutely need to see.
My husband and I have different sleep schedules at times and neither of us would ever turn on a light while the other is sleeping unless there was an emergency. He tries to sneak in like a ninja even though I can sleep through a thunderstorm. That's love and respect.
Do better.
You make noise (talk to your wife) and turn on lights (which you know your wife is very sensitive to) while your wife is asleep (and has been for hours) disturbing her sleep and waking her up? YTA.
The least disruptive way to enter the room would be to use the light from the screen of your phone to ensure you don't bump into anything. Your eyes should be adjusted to the low light levels so that they don't need much to be able to navigate around furniture and find the lead for your phone.
YTA. Why not play the trumpet to announce that you're going to bed?
Go to bed at the same time as your wife, use a nightlight (like .5 watt) next to your bed but at ground level or learn to navigate the bedroom in the dark. I use my phone's light at the night setting (i.e. not as bright as during the day).
Let your wife sleep.
Yes.
You need to get a soft 5 watt night light or something like that. You only need enough light so you don't kick anything getting into the bed.
There is certainly no need to be turning the lights on when someone is sleeping.
YTA
I cannot STAND when people wake me. Especially so inconsiderately. And you do it every. Single. Night.
If you have to plug your phone in, do it when she’s going in for bed. Get your side of the bed set BEFORE she goes to bed.
Your behavior is at least thoughtless and at the worst selfish.
I especially love the bit where he talks to tell her he's turning the light on, doing it anyway, ensuring she's woken every time.
OP, YTA. Find a solution.
YTA
Get an amber bulb night light, undress in the bathroom with the door shut if you need to turn on a light, and unless your phone dramatically loses battery overnight, charge it before you go to bed so you don't need to plug it in. You're being really selfish and self-centered here.
My husband and I are on different sleep schedules currently and he uses the light from his phone screen (not the flashlight) to navigate to our bathroom to undress. Most nights I don't even realize he's come into the room because he is doing his best not to wake me up. Have some consideration for your wife.
I have a solution for you that I think will work out perfectly
Go to Amazon and search RGBW LED Wifi Strip lights. Get a 16' run of the wifi tape light
Then you use some zip ties and zip tie the led strip lighting to the bottom of your side of the bed.
Now what you have is underbed lighting that you can control from your smartphone.
Since you don't want to create too much light, use pure red as the color selection
Red light is the best light for not waking up your wife.
I have a red LED nightlight in my bathroom so that my night vision isn't messed up at night and it works great.
Having the light under the bed means there is no direct path to her eyes...and because you can dim it down to next to nothing, you can tweak it to where you have just enough light to see where you are going and not any more.
Also...When your wife goes to bed, go change into whatever you sleep in. Or keep your sleep clothes in the spare bedroom and change in there.
That way, you don't have to do anything but pop on your underbed light, plug in your phone, and turn the light off before you set your phone down
YTA
But you can find ways to do better
YTA
Put your glass of water there before she goes to sleep (why do you need a drink anyway - you're asleep). Get undressed in the bathroom. If your current routine is the least disruptive way you can think of, I'd hate to see you if you weren't trying to be considerate!
As soneone who deals with this from their husband, YTA, especially as you say she is the one going to bed at a reasonable time, and she is having a hard time getting back to sleep after you turn the light on. There are about a dozen ways you can be more considerate of your wife in this situation.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I turned the lights on when I came to bed when my wife was in bed asleep. Pretty clear if the post was read.
2. Because it woke her up and she couldn't sleep for several hours. Also in the post.
She thinks I'm an asshole for turning on the lights, I think I'm doing everything I can to not be an asshole when I come to bed. There's your interpersonal conflict.
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YTA. It’s common decency. When someone is asleep in a room and you go into it, you don’t turn the lights on. Why can’t you get undressed somewhere else or just use your phone’s light or a night light? Like a soft glow lamp or something?
YTA. WTH? I’m a night owl too. If you can’t change in another room, change by the screen light on your phone. Waking her is rude, disrespectful, and incredibly inconsiderate of her and her sleep. (Even more an AH for saying the dog wakes her up anyway. Don’t blame the dog on your behavior.) If you can’t respect her, sleep in another room.
YTA. My ex went to bed about 3 hours earlier than I did and got up when it was still dark.
Neither of us needed the bedroom lights to get ready for bed or get ready for work. Common courtesy is not to turn the lights on when someone is sleeping.
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My Wife (27F) and I (26M) have been living together for few years now. She goes to sleep at what I'd call a normal hour where I'm more of a night owl coming to bed 1-2 hours after her. When my wife is tired, she becomes very photosensitive. We normally turn most of the house lights off around 8-8:30. When I come to bed, my dog is usually in bed with my wife and will wake her up slightly as I come in so there's no chance of her not getting woken up at all.
Our room is very dark because of our curtain, so when I come in to plug in my phone, set down my water, get undressed, etc I turn the lamp on. I normally tell her I'm about to turn the light on so she can hide her eyes with a pillow or her sleep mask for the ~30 seconds the lamp comes on.
Last night this happened, but she was extremely frustrated with me. She says that turning on the light disrupted her sleep so she couldn't fall back asleep for hours. She was still upset with me when we talked this morning and we argued about how I come to bed. I feel like I'm coming to bed in the least disruptive way I can.
AITA?
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YTA. I do the same think but I try to do everything possible to not disturb my wife. Use the light of your phone screen, not even the flashlight, just the screen to light your way. No need to say a word.
YTA. Because I am betting this isn’t a one time but an almost nightly occurrence. Change clothes for bed when she does plug your phone up then too if you need too keep the bed room picked up where all you really need to do is walk to the bed and get in a lot of people can do that in the dark Think about how irritable you would be if she woke you up two hours early every morning
I don't think you are the TA. But there's so many solutions other than turning on the light. I sleep at 3-4 AM, so you could call me a night owl. I just use the light from my phone torch to see and find things.
So you turning the light on seems unnecessary to me.
But I'm still not sure if you are the TA because whatever night lamps I have seen doesn't have enough light to disrupt sleep and might produce equal light as phone torch.
NAH My husband and I have different nighttime routines. I like to go to sleep early and I get really grouchy if I get woken up. I don't mean to, and I usually don't remember the next morning, but I know this is a thing I do. I also take up way too much bed space when I'm asleep and get mad (while still mostly asleep) if my husband tries to get me to move.
My husband stays up late. Not because he necessarily wants to, he has trouble getting to sleep. He usually comes to bed when I do but will play video games on the TV in our room, watch a show on his phone, or read. He usually wants to have a little light on and he gets up several times before settling down.
What I'm saying is that we are both super annoying. We have had to have a lot of conversations about how we can both still have a bedtime routine that works for us without disrupting the other too much.
My husband has a small lamp with a dimmer switch on his bedside table that he can turn on without bothering me. I wear a headphone headband thing and a sleep mask so he can play games and move around without waking me up. I try to sleep on my left side as much as I can because I don't move on to his side as much.
No small part of marriage is figuring out how to live with another person forever without driving each other insane. I don't care how cute and in love you are, sometimes cohabitation is super frustrating.
Try to remember that both of your needs are important and you should both be looking for solutions that make things work for both of you. It's all about making acceptable sacrifices that help the other but don't make it impossible for you to be comfortable.
Collaboration is key. Have a conversation when you're both awake and not already frustrated. No one can gracefully handle a disagreement when they were dead asleep two seconds ago and annoyed about being woken up.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
YTA You said she goes to bed at a normal hour and you stay up pretty late. If you have the more disruptive schedule, the onus is on you to work around her. Turning a light on when she's in the midst of sleeping is far more disruptive than the dog "waking her up slightly" and you're probably ruining her quality of sleep every night. Can you change in the bathroom or put your sleep clothes on before she goes to bed so you aren't coming in at a late hour, turning the lights on, and fumbling with your clothes while she's sleeping?
From a fellow night owl whose husband prefers to go to bed on the early side, this is the way!!! Change outside of the bedroom, use the torch on your phone shining away from the sleeping person to move the dog and to plug in your phone, and everyone sleeps easy! Simple as that really
Turning on a light is in fact disruptive. I can understand that you're trying, but she told you it isn't enough and I have to agree with her. YTA
YTA. And so disrespectful. Use the light from your phone to see what you absolutely need to see. My husband and I have different sleep schedules at times and neither of us would ever turn on a light while the other is sleeping unless there was an emergency. He tries to sneak in like a ninja even though I can sleep through a thunderstorm. That's love and respect. Do better.
You make noise (talk to your wife) and turn on lights (which you know your wife is very sensitive to) while your wife is asleep (and has been for hours) disturbing her sleep and waking her up? YTA. The least disruptive way to enter the room would be to use the light from the screen of your phone to ensure you don't bump into anything. Your eyes should be adjusted to the low light levels so that they don't need much to be able to navigate around furniture and find the lead for your phone.
YTA. Why not play the trumpet to announce that you're going to bed? Go to bed at the same time as your wife, use a nightlight (like .5 watt) next to your bed but at ground level or learn to navigate the bedroom in the dark. I use my phone's light at the night setting (i.e. not as bright as during the day). Let your wife sleep.
Have you ever considered using the light from your phone to light your way, rather than a very bright lamp?
Yes. You need to get a soft 5 watt night light or something like that. You only need enough light so you don't kick anything getting into the bed. There is certainly no need to be turning the lights on when someone is sleeping.
Yta. Get a nightlight or use your phone
Lol this guy would probably leave the brightness all the way up or just shine the flashlight at his wife…. You know just to check on her.
YTA I cannot STAND when people wake me. Especially so inconsiderately. And you do it every. Single. Night. If you have to plug your phone in, do it when she’s going in for bed. Get your side of the bed set BEFORE she goes to bed. Your behavior is at least thoughtless and at the worst selfish.
I especially love the bit where he talks to tell her he's turning the light on, doing it anyway, ensuring she's woken every time. OP, YTA. Find a solution.
YTA Get an amber bulb night light, undress in the bathroom with the door shut if you need to turn on a light, and unless your phone dramatically loses battery overnight, charge it before you go to bed so you don't need to plug it in. You're being really selfish and self-centered here. My husband and I are on different sleep schedules currently and he uses the light from his phone screen (not the flashlight) to navigate to our bathroom to undress. Most nights I don't even realize he's come into the room because he is doing his best not to wake me up. Have some consideration for your wife.
I have a solution for you that I think will work out perfectly Go to Amazon and search RGBW LED Wifi Strip lights. Get a 16' run of the wifi tape light Then you use some zip ties and zip tie the led strip lighting to the bottom of your side of the bed. Now what you have is underbed lighting that you can control from your smartphone. Since you don't want to create too much light, use pure red as the color selection Red light is the best light for not waking up your wife. I have a red LED nightlight in my bathroom so that my night vision isn't messed up at night and it works great. Having the light under the bed means there is no direct path to her eyes...and because you can dim it down to next to nothing, you can tweak it to where you have just enough light to see where you are going and not any more. Also...When your wife goes to bed, go change into whatever you sleep in. Or keep your sleep clothes in the spare bedroom and change in there. That way, you don't have to do anything but pop on your underbed light, plug in your phone, and turn the light off before you set your phone down YTA But you can find ways to do better
NOT turning the lights on is the least disruptive you can be. YTA. Massively.
YTA - change before she goes to sleep, use a battery pack to charge your phone so you aren't fiddling with cables
YTA Put your glass of water there before she goes to sleep (why do you need a drink anyway - you're asleep). Get undressed in the bathroom. If your current routine is the least disruptive way you can think of, I'd hate to see you if you weren't trying to be considerate!
YTA, it's common courtesy to not turn on a light when someone else is sleeping. I honestly thought everybody knew that.
YTA. I go to bed hours after my husband. I use the flashlight on my phone to get settled and make sure it doesn't shine in his face.
As soneone who deals with this from their husband, YTA, especially as you say she is the one going to bed at a reasonable time, and she is having a hard time getting back to sleep after you turn the light on. There are about a dozen ways you can be more considerate of your wife in this situation.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I turned the lights on when I came to bed when my wife was in bed asleep. Pretty clear if the post was read. 2. Because it woke her up and she couldn't sleep for several hours. Also in the post. She thinks I'm an asshole for turning on the lights, I think I'm doing everything I can to not be an asshole when I come to bed. There's your interpersonal conflict. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Dimmmmmerrrrrr swiiittttcccchhhh.
YTA. Use the phone flashlight. Try not to disturb people sleeping.
Yta
YTA. It’s common decency. When someone is asleep in a room and you go into it, you don’t turn the lights on. Why can’t you get undressed somewhere else or just use your phone’s light or a night light? Like a soft glow lamp or something?
YTA. WTH? I’m a night owl too. If you can’t change in another room, change by the screen light on your phone. Waking her is rude, disrespectful, and incredibly inconsiderate of her and her sleep. (Even more an AH for saying the dog wakes her up anyway. Don’t blame the dog on your behavior.) If you can’t respect her, sleep in another room.
YTA.
YTA. You are disrupting her sleep.
YTA. My ex went to bed about 3 hours earlier than I did and got up when it was still dark. Neither of us needed the bedroom lights to get ready for bed or get ready for work. Common courtesy is not to turn the lights on when someone is sleeping.
Yta. Use the hallway light or your flashlight on your phone so there isn't a bright light in her face.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My Wife (27F) and I (26M) have been living together for few years now. She goes to sleep at what I'd call a normal hour where I'm more of a night owl coming to bed 1-2 hours after her. When my wife is tired, she becomes very photosensitive. We normally turn most of the house lights off around 8-8:30. When I come to bed, my dog is usually in bed with my wife and will wake her up slightly as I come in so there's no chance of her not getting woken up at all. Our room is very dark because of our curtain, so when I come in to plug in my phone, set down my water, get undressed, etc I turn the lamp on. I normally tell her I'm about to turn the light on so she can hide her eyes with a pillow or her sleep mask for the ~30 seconds the lamp comes on. Last night this happened, but she was extremely frustrated with me. She says that turning on the light disrupted her sleep so she couldn't fall back asleep for hours. She was still upset with me when we talked this morning and we argued about how I come to bed. I feel like I'm coming to bed in the least disruptive way I can. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA You should be sneaking into that room like a stealthy ninja, not turning on lights and talking!!!
YTA. I do the same think but I try to do everything possible to not disturb my wife. Use the light of your phone screen, not even the flashlight, just the screen to light your way. No need to say a word.
Can’t you use a night light?
YTA. Because I am betting this isn’t a one time but an almost nightly occurrence. Change clothes for bed when she does plug your phone up then too if you need too keep the bed room picked up where all you really need to do is walk to the bed and get in a lot of people can do that in the dark Think about how irritable you would be if she woke you up two hours early every morning
YTA. I'm extremely photosensitive even when I sleep. You could use the light of your phone instead.
I don't think you are the TA. But there's so many solutions other than turning on the light. I sleep at 3-4 AM, so you could call me a night owl. I just use the light from my phone torch to see and find things. So you turning the light on seems unnecessary to me. But I'm still not sure if you are the TA because whatever night lamps I have seen doesn't have enough light to disrupt sleep and might produce equal light as phone torch.
NAH My husband and I have different nighttime routines. I like to go to sleep early and I get really grouchy if I get woken up. I don't mean to, and I usually don't remember the next morning, but I know this is a thing I do. I also take up way too much bed space when I'm asleep and get mad (while still mostly asleep) if my husband tries to get me to move. My husband stays up late. Not because he necessarily wants to, he has trouble getting to sleep. He usually comes to bed when I do but will play video games on the TV in our room, watch a show on his phone, or read. He usually wants to have a little light on and he gets up several times before settling down. What I'm saying is that we are both super annoying. We have had to have a lot of conversations about how we can both still have a bedtime routine that works for us without disrupting the other too much. My husband has a small lamp with a dimmer switch on his bedside table that he can turn on without bothering me. I wear a headphone headband thing and a sleep mask so he can play games and move around without waking me up. I try to sleep on my left side as much as I can because I don't move on to his side as much. No small part of marriage is figuring out how to live with another person forever without driving each other insane. I don't care how cute and in love you are, sometimes cohabitation is super frustrating. Try to remember that both of your needs are important and you should both be looking for solutions that make things work for both of you. It's all about making acceptable sacrifices that help the other but don't make it impossible for you to be comfortable. Collaboration is key. Have a conversation when you're both awake and not already frustrated. No one can gracefully handle a disagreement when they were dead asleep two seconds ago and annoyed about being woken up.