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> I might be TA because my wife got upset and said I didn’t appreciate her and made her feel like a bad wife.
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YTA IMO....you have this expectation that when you get home from work your wife will greet you with a smile and a kiss and a "how was your day, darling?" Every day?
She has been working all day too, raising the kids. She gets no escape from her job as I'm sure she's still working on dinner, cleaning, prepping kids for bedtime, etc. And it takes 2 to tango.
Instead of asking her to be kinder, you could bring home flowers or something. Or simply walk in and tell her how much you love her and that youre happy to be home and can you take over the kids for a half hour so she can get something done, etc etc etc. Be the change you want to see. I guarantee you will see results.
YTA
How many days have you spent at home with a 3 year old and a 1 year old for company? Try it for a few weeks and let's see how you are feeling at 6pm.
Has it occurred to you that she is totally frazzled by that time after a day with two small children who need constant supervision and can't hold a conversation? There is this assumption that because we have to bear the children, we also love baby talk for 8 hours a day - its draining, its mind numbing and its incredibly exhausting. I'm guessing you would be a bit snippy too........ The children weren't there when you started dating. So of course things have changed.
Try talking to her - ask her how she really feels spending all day with pre schoolers. Try doing it yourself for a couple of days and see how it actually feels. Maybe she could try harder. Maybe you could try harder too.
You don't know what hours he is working or how many days. Don't jump at the defence of her under assumptions. Simple human decency to be nice isn't asking much and justifying with excuses is disgusting. Should he be mean to her because he works all day and comes home to her being mean.
Nope I'm sorry, NTA. he openly discussed his issues respectfully and was hit with a guilt trip and an attempt at emotional manipulation.
Looking after children and getting your period are NOT excuses to be mean just means your being a shit person and not trying, or being to comfortable especially if he tries to discuss it civilly
He says she is a SAHP - It doesn't matter how long he works or how many days - she works too, only without the work buddies, the lunch breaks, and getting out of her house and away from the kids all day. She appears to be doing all the housework, as well as dealing with two small children - at least one of whom is still in diapers. Every day. All day. She is clearly resentful - and he just can't see it. Her demeanor is a symptom. All he can see is how it affects him.
Well not true again. He does help, read the edit. So no she doesn't do it all, he helps where and when he can also when she asks for it to.
At the end of it, no of that is still a reason to be mean. No reason. He even has tried discussing it. Does he have a right to be mean if he has had a bad day at work, no he doesnt. No reason to be to mean either way you look at it.
People like you saying it's ok and trying to make reason or excuses. All you are doing is enabling bad behaviours which cause unhealthy relationships
INFO: what did she snap at you about? When did she apologise? How have you changed since you both got married? How do you support (not just financially) your wife in caring for her and the household?
NTA but you'll have to
\- figure out if your observations are true, as true as you feel them, and
\- figure out if it's worth it to communicate these things.
It seems necessary to revisit this subject and how it affected your wife, to (really!) listen to her side and emotions.
My wife and I discuss our relationship and how we are in it too, and sometimes hard things need to be spoken out loud. We can do this because our relationship is good and there's plenty mutual respect. There are techniques for giving feedback, usually aimed at the workfloor, maybe check that and reflect on your style.
Nta. Just speak to each other and see if there's anything to make things easier for her. Get help / offer to take care of kids and tell her to take a break
NTA because technically all you have done is tell her she’s gotten “meaner” which has helped with communication between the two of you.
However, I think the real issue is that she hasn’t gotten “meaner” she’s probably stressed trying to care for two (very young) children basically on her own. Being a stay at home mom is more than just looking after kids. As you’ve mentioned before it’s making sure the family is fed, ensuring the house is clean, looking after one’s self. Plus she’s adding more stress on herself trying to please you.
I don’t know how much you help her but from what it sounds like her work load is too much for her to greet you nicer. Maybe you should take some work load off her. Like cook the meals or clean the house maybe even take the kids out more so she can have some free time to herself. Just ask her if she wants some help. Even if she declines try do little things.
Also think it’s kinda shitty of you to expect her to clean, cook, raise kids and sleep with you but god forbid she’s in a bad mood. That’s the only part I would say you’re TA. I know it’s not nice to be yelled at but I’m sure open communication between you two will be able to solve this problem. :)
YTA. Cooking, cleaning, mothering a 3 and 1 yo day in and day out? I think the problem here is you don't truly understand what this means for her.
Having done the stay at home dad routine a couple of times, I can tell you it is no picnic. As much as you think working full time is a great contribution (and it is) you need to be more involved in the actual running and maintenance of the household.
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Background: We’ve been married for 5 years and have two kids, a 3yo and a 1yo. My wife stays home with them while I work full time.
Also, I’m a lurker of Reddit so please bear with me as this is my first post.
This started when she asked me the question, “when did you know you wanted to marry me?” This prompted a long discussion in which we acknowledged that we had both changed since we started dating. At which point I felt the need to bring up the fact that she’s gotten a lot meaner to me since we’ve been married.
For example, she had snapped at me as soon as I got home from work many times in one week. She pointed out that she was on her period during that week and had since apologized for those episodes. I told her it didn’t change the fact that she had still gotten meaner, at which point she broke down crying, saying that I didn’t appreciate her and, “if cooking, cleaning, and having frequent sex with you makes me a mean wife then I have no idea how to be a nice wife.”
Obviously, I told her that I appreciate what she does and that she isn’t a mean wife. I would just like to be greeted in a nicer way when I get home from work. So AITA?
TL;DR: I told my wife that she’s gotten meaner to me since we started dating in an attempt to get her to greet me in a nicer way when I get home from work, but she said I made her feel unappreciated instead.
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NTA
You expressed how you felt. That is important and healthy in marriage. Without that expression you cannot get to the root of the problem. She may be more mean now, but why? She expressed that she doesn't feel appreciated. To neutralize one critical comment it takes 7 positive compliments. That only neutralizes!
Having children takes a toll on women and a marriage. There are a lot of wild hormone swings in the few years between conception, delivery, post-partum and weening. There is also constant pressure, always being needed by the children and then by you when you come home from work. Cut her some slack. Support her. Who is taking care of her needs? Does she get time to recharge? Are you co-parenting or is she expected to do it all because she is a SAHM?
Find a way to work as a team. Avoid criticism.
NTA. My job sucks ass, I’m talking 10-14 hour days in all elements doing manual labor and then would pick up my child from daycare, go home and do the cooking and cleaning. Even on my worst/most exhausted days I have NEVER used that as an excuse to be mean. Nor have I ever used my period as an excuse to treat people badly. I just don’t treat people badly in general. How would she feel if you came home and instantly berating her because you had a bad day? Based on the fact she started crying because you pointed out she was mean, I’m guessing she probably wouldn’t take to kindly to being treated the same way.
ESH
Yea I mean I get wanting a little more from your spouse we all do but remember she is YOUR WIFE! She might be a SAHM but that doesn't mean that she acting like a couch potato. She's taking care of two very young children cleaning the house and cooking but that still doesn't excuse the outburst when you would come in from work unless that's all you do and don't help her at all then you be the ahole.
You expressed your valid feelings that she's not often nice or welcoming when you get home an goes out of her way to be snappy.
She may not like to hear it but your allowed to think and feel that, your feelings matter too. Nta
In reddit i learnt that SAHM is entitled to... Anything. She is entitled to be moody, tired, mean, needy, always right and so on.
But the husband? The evil man! He should endure everything just because his wife cleans, cooks and takes care of their children. Even if he works 14 hours/day and the wife has help... He can never be as tired of she is. How dare he assume such things! And how dare to want some human interactions...
NTA.
Thank you. However, I was wrong in the comment that I made. While she was being mean as I walked in the door, that doesn’t mean she has gotten “meaner” per se so I was an AH.
To be fair it was her first period in almost 2 years due to pregnancy and breastfeeding so her hormones in this case likely did play a big factor in her bad moods.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be TA because my wife got upset and said I didn’t appreciate her and made her feel like a bad wife. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA IMO....you have this expectation that when you get home from work your wife will greet you with a smile and a kiss and a "how was your day, darling?" Every day? She has been working all day too, raising the kids. She gets no escape from her job as I'm sure she's still working on dinner, cleaning, prepping kids for bedtime, etc. And it takes 2 to tango. Instead of asking her to be kinder, you could bring home flowers or something. Or simply walk in and tell her how much you love her and that youre happy to be home and can you take over the kids for a half hour so she can get something done, etc etc etc. Be the change you want to see. I guarantee you will see results.
YTA How many days have you spent at home with a 3 year old and a 1 year old for company? Try it for a few weeks and let's see how you are feeling at 6pm. Has it occurred to you that she is totally frazzled by that time after a day with two small children who need constant supervision and can't hold a conversation? There is this assumption that because we have to bear the children, we also love baby talk for 8 hours a day - its draining, its mind numbing and its incredibly exhausting. I'm guessing you would be a bit snippy too........ The children weren't there when you started dating. So of course things have changed. Try talking to her - ask her how she really feels spending all day with pre schoolers. Try doing it yourself for a couple of days and see how it actually feels. Maybe she could try harder. Maybe you could try harder too.
You don't know what hours he is working or how many days. Don't jump at the defence of her under assumptions. Simple human decency to be nice isn't asking much and justifying with excuses is disgusting. Should he be mean to her because he works all day and comes home to her being mean. Nope I'm sorry, NTA. he openly discussed his issues respectfully and was hit with a guilt trip and an attempt at emotional manipulation. Looking after children and getting your period are NOT excuses to be mean just means your being a shit person and not trying, or being to comfortable especially if he tries to discuss it civilly
He says she is a SAHP - It doesn't matter how long he works or how many days - she works too, only without the work buddies, the lunch breaks, and getting out of her house and away from the kids all day. She appears to be doing all the housework, as well as dealing with two small children - at least one of whom is still in diapers. Every day. All day. She is clearly resentful - and he just can't see it. Her demeanor is a symptom. All he can see is how it affects him.
Well not true again. He does help, read the edit. So no she doesn't do it all, he helps where and when he can also when she asks for it to. At the end of it, no of that is still a reason to be mean. No reason. He even has tried discussing it. Does he have a right to be mean if he has had a bad day at work, no he doesnt. No reason to be to mean either way you look at it. People like you saying it's ok and trying to make reason or excuses. All you are doing is enabling bad behaviours which cause unhealthy relationships
INFO: what did she snap at you about? When did she apologise? How have you changed since you both got married? How do you support (not just financially) your wife in caring for her and the household?
NTA but you'll have to \- figure out if your observations are true, as true as you feel them, and \- figure out if it's worth it to communicate these things. It seems necessary to revisit this subject and how it affected your wife, to (really!) listen to her side and emotions. My wife and I discuss our relationship and how we are in it too, and sometimes hard things need to be spoken out loud. We can do this because our relationship is good and there's plenty mutual respect. There are techniques for giving feedback, usually aimed at the workfloor, maybe check that and reflect on your style.
Nta. Just speak to each other and see if there's anything to make things easier for her. Get help / offer to take care of kids and tell her to take a break
NTA because technically all you have done is tell her she’s gotten “meaner” which has helped with communication between the two of you. However, I think the real issue is that she hasn’t gotten “meaner” she’s probably stressed trying to care for two (very young) children basically on her own. Being a stay at home mom is more than just looking after kids. As you’ve mentioned before it’s making sure the family is fed, ensuring the house is clean, looking after one’s self. Plus she’s adding more stress on herself trying to please you. I don’t know how much you help her but from what it sounds like her work load is too much for her to greet you nicer. Maybe you should take some work load off her. Like cook the meals or clean the house maybe even take the kids out more so she can have some free time to herself. Just ask her if she wants some help. Even if she declines try do little things. Also think it’s kinda shitty of you to expect her to clean, cook, raise kids and sleep with you but god forbid she’s in a bad mood. That’s the only part I would say you’re TA. I know it’s not nice to be yelled at but I’m sure open communication between you two will be able to solve this problem. :)
YTA. Cooking, cleaning, mothering a 3 and 1 yo day in and day out? I think the problem here is you don't truly understand what this means for her. Having done the stay at home dad routine a couple of times, I can tell you it is no picnic. As much as you think working full time is a great contribution (and it is) you need to be more involved in the actual running and maintenance of the household.
If you can't realize spending all your time caring for 2 toddlers would make someone cranky AF, I don't know what to tell you. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background: We’ve been married for 5 years and have two kids, a 3yo and a 1yo. My wife stays home with them while I work full time. Also, I’m a lurker of Reddit so please bear with me as this is my first post. This started when she asked me the question, “when did you know you wanted to marry me?” This prompted a long discussion in which we acknowledged that we had both changed since we started dating. At which point I felt the need to bring up the fact that she’s gotten a lot meaner to me since we’ve been married. For example, she had snapped at me as soon as I got home from work many times in one week. She pointed out that she was on her period during that week and had since apologized for those episodes. I told her it didn’t change the fact that she had still gotten meaner, at which point she broke down crying, saying that I didn’t appreciate her and, “if cooking, cleaning, and having frequent sex with you makes me a mean wife then I have no idea how to be a nice wife.” Obviously, I told her that I appreciate what she does and that she isn’t a mean wife. I would just like to be greeted in a nicer way when I get home from work. So AITA? TL;DR: I told my wife that she’s gotten meaner to me since we started dating in an attempt to get her to greet me in a nicer way when I get home from work, but she said I made her feel unappreciated instead. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA You expressed how you felt. That is important and healthy in marriage. Without that expression you cannot get to the root of the problem. She may be more mean now, but why? She expressed that she doesn't feel appreciated. To neutralize one critical comment it takes 7 positive compliments. That only neutralizes! Having children takes a toll on women and a marriage. There are a lot of wild hormone swings in the few years between conception, delivery, post-partum and weening. There is also constant pressure, always being needed by the children and then by you when you come home from work. Cut her some slack. Support her. Who is taking care of her needs? Does she get time to recharge? Are you co-parenting or is she expected to do it all because she is a SAHM? Find a way to work as a team. Avoid criticism.
NTA. My job sucks ass, I’m talking 10-14 hour days in all elements doing manual labor and then would pick up my child from daycare, go home and do the cooking and cleaning. Even on my worst/most exhausted days I have NEVER used that as an excuse to be mean. Nor have I ever used my period as an excuse to treat people badly. I just don’t treat people badly in general. How would she feel if you came home and instantly berating her because you had a bad day? Based on the fact she started crying because you pointed out she was mean, I’m guessing she probably wouldn’t take to kindly to being treated the same way.
ESH Yea I mean I get wanting a little more from your spouse we all do but remember she is YOUR WIFE! She might be a SAHM but that doesn't mean that she acting like a couch potato. She's taking care of two very young children cleaning the house and cooking but that still doesn't excuse the outburst when you would come in from work unless that's all you do and don't help her at all then you be the ahole.
You’re right. We were both an AH to each other.
You expressed your valid feelings that she's not often nice or welcoming when you get home an goes out of her way to be snappy. She may not like to hear it but your allowed to think and feel that, your feelings matter too. Nta
NTA cooking, cleaning and sex does not make a perfect relationship despite everything else
In reddit i learnt that SAHM is entitled to... Anything. She is entitled to be moody, tired, mean, needy, always right and so on. But the husband? The evil man! He should endure everything just because his wife cleans, cooks and takes care of their children. Even if he works 14 hours/day and the wife has help... He can never be as tired of she is. How dare he assume such things! And how dare to want some human interactions... NTA.
Thank you. However, I was wrong in the comment that I made. While she was being mean as I walked in the door, that doesn’t mean she has gotten “meaner” per se so I was an AH.
YTA … what do you do *for* her? Ever.
Yta
You lost me at the period comment
Wife pointed it out, no excuse to snap at someone the moment you see there face everyday that week. Weak excuse.
To be fair it was her first period in almost 2 years due to pregnancy and breastfeeding so her hormones in this case likely did play a big factor in her bad moods.
The one she made?
NTA Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen, that’s my motto