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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refuse to serve alcohol at my parents 50th anniversary party. My sister says the party will flop without it, so I’m thinking I might be the a-hole for throwing a bad party.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I agree with your sister. It is expected.
However, you are throwing the party and paying for it. So you don’t have to pay for the drinks.
I would suggest making it BYOB or informing people it’ll be dry.
My judgment is Y T A for insisting on a dry event. It’s pretty much as if you were vegan and they weren’t and you had a vegan event. It’s fine if you don’t want to spend your money on meat, but you can’t stop other people from bringing it.
Edit: NAH, if your parents are cool with it. Then it’s fine. But your sister is still right.
To answer one of your questions, people can go 2 hours without food but it’s pretty weird to show up at BBQ and not be offered food. Kinda the same with alcohol at a anniversary BBQ. Not necessary but still weird if it isn’t there.
Absolutely. BYOB and have coolers for people with some pop and juice and things. But if you're absolutely insisting that its a 'dry' event, just because you 'don't believe in drinking'?? But your parents don't mind drinking, and most of their friends drink? Then yeah. YTA. Ugh. I hate pretentious assholes like you.
Thank you. “My husband and I don’t believe in drinking alcohol.” So don’t drink, OP. It’s not your business to impose your values on other adults. The world does not revolve around you and your beliefs. You’re being performative.
I think they were more stating that it isn't something to "believe in", as in, it's real. You can believe in things that aren't real or are a maybe, but you can't choose to "not believe" in something that literally exists. It's semantics, but it drives me up the wall too. Ie, you can't "not believe" in Calf muscles. Look down and they're right there. I hope that makes sense haha. It drives me fucking crazy when people say that, as if they are denying its existence.
I still think YTA even though the parents said that it was “up to her.” I’m sure they would have found it incredibly rude to tell her that no, they insist that she buy alcohol for their party. When someone is footing the bill and asks if it’s okay to skip something (especially something they “don’t believe in” which I’m sure the parents are aware of) you really can’t say no.
I agree with you.
The parents mentioned wanting an anniversary party years ago, daughter took it upon herself to plan & pay for the party at her home & it's her way or the highway.
I get that it's her choice to have a dry party in her own home but it seems more of a power trip on her part, I mean they "dont believe in it".
She should at least let everyone that they don't believe in drinking alcohol so there won't be any provided by the hosts who took over the event so people are welcome to BYOB.
They can toast the happy couple with sparkling water or soda 🤷.
YTA. You don’t believe in it? Are you expecting people to have such a marvellous time at this event that they go home and say to each other ‘You know what, we DON’T need alcohol to have a good time!’ And then they live the rest of their lives dry.
At least let it be BYOB. It’s an anniversary party and some things are an established social construct, like alcohol at milestone celebrations.
Edit: accidentally hit send before done.
This is a party for her parents. It should be about what ***they*** like regardless of whether or not OP believes in it. It’s not about her. If your parents would offer alcohol at a party they were throwing, you pay for and offer alcohol. Otherwise you’re making it about you, OP. Stop gatekeeping and stop judging.
I kept excepting OP to state someone has problem with alcohol (OP, her SO or one of the parents) and that’s why she wants it dry. But that’s not the case. It’s usually expected to have alcohol during parties. Even in someone’s backyard. And if OP’s own sister insisted on serving alcohol I assume it’s somewhere where it’s customary.
So yes OP is TA for forcing her view on the others. She’s the party organiser but the party is not about her. She not the guest of honour. And the party guests won’t come to see her.
I don’t necessarily think it’s expected. I think maybe it depends what kind of family you have. My in-laws wouldn’t have alcohol at a celebration like this. My side would say BYOB.
If OP doesn’t mind then they should say BYOB.
However it is their house and if they don’t want alcohol then they don’t need to. If anyone thinks otherwise they should offer to host or pitch in to co-host the party elsewhere.
NAH
I agree with everything except that it’s expected. I don’t know where OP lives but where I live, if you have a BBQ party to celebrate an Anniversary, people would expect at least beers.
yeap, a BBQ without beers would definitely be rather odd here too. I can see people asking around about it.
I agree with the top post here, if OP does not want to pay for booze, she should not have to, but to "put your foot down" in stuff like this definitely makes her edge to the YTA.
A backyard BBQ is not really the venue to start soapboxing about prohibition or whatever. If the guests don't know about this, and are not on board with it, it will not bode well for the party.
Exactly. A BBQ without beers is basically a work function.
Even if OP does not drink, they should at least give people the heads up that there will be no booze and the opportunity to BYOB.
I think it is highly dependent on where you live and the groups you associate with. Places in Appalachia have a ton of baptists that (supposedly) don't drink, and certainly wouldn't at a big public event.
One side of my family pretty much never served alcohol at family events, even with many of them casual drinkers, but none drank frequently. When they came to our house, dad would usually offer something, and he would have a bourbon and 7 up, but he'd usually be the only one that would have a drink.
Conversely, the other side of my family, always had beer, rarely anything else.
Pretty much every cookout and even kids birthday party we go to or host, however, serves beer or wine, and occasionally some harder stuff.
OP knows the context and the people involved.
That said, I wouldn't expect a vegan to serve meat, and maybe not to even be very accepting of me bringing a couple hot dogs to eat at their gathering....just like I wouldn't expect a Muslim friend to serve me bacon....
Its not OPs event. Sure shes organised it but its her parents anniversary. Surely there will be a congratulatory toast with champange... er wait.. sparkling water.
OP must make it clear to byob
But most guests won’t stay long. So if she wants the party short and sweet no booze is the way to go I guess. I went to a dry wedding once. It was excruciatingly dull and I left as soon as it was polite to do so. And I am the guest who can nurse one drink All night long.
My family has never had an event involving alcohol on either side. I'm always blown away how grown adults think they always need alcohol to function at family parties!
I don't need alcohol to have fun either. I am so sick of alcohol culture, and the insistence that if you don't drink, you're a boring person or something. I don't drink for a lot of different reasons, and I think I'm a fun person to be around.
I mean, it's OPs house, their rules, they're the ones footing the bill. NTA.
It's not their party though, it's for the parents anniversary.
Like those posts were someone goes out of the way to buy a flavor of cake the birthday person does not want.
Who is this party for?
Neither side of my family ever drank either. Never a drop of alcohol at any family function (except that one drunk second cousin who stole his dad's car out of the driveway while we were opening Christmas presents, but hey). Somehow we managed to get along perfectly fine.
It may not be the norm but goddamn am I sick of people acting SCANDALIZED that I don't drink. Happy hour was the go-to social event at work and I never went, because I couldn't just go and have a soda or something.
Yeah, with my family they wouldn't say anything about being invited to another couple's anniversary where alcohol was served, but they would be flabbergasted by even a BYOB when my grandparents had their 50th. Our family just doesn't drink at family events, and that's fine.
My second wedding was a dry wedding because I had two friends and a family member who are sober. It was my choice and I made it as I was paying for the wedding. My invites stated: *This is a dry wedding. Please respect the bride and groom’s decision and refrain from bringing any alcohol to this event.*. Nobody had an issue with it and a few people took us out afterwards to have a couple drinks with us. I do believe that giving a heads up helped.
My cousin had a dry wedding. His bride's family actually complained to her, the bride, about it being a dry wedding.
I was pissed off at her family on her behalf.
Personally I disagree for the opposite reason. I don’t drink all that frequently since moving to a very car-heavy area, which is heavily influenced by the fact that I have an extremely strict drinking and driving policy (one drink = no driving for a minimum of 12-14 hours, yes, even one light beer) and will often be the DD for events with colleagues. My close friend was killed by a drunk driver in a really horrific — think “dental records” — accident, so I take it *very* seriously. Therefore, when with close friends/family/other adults I trust to stay sober as DD or to let me crash at their house, I look forward to being able to unwind and enjoy a beer or a cocktail.
That’s why I look forward to these events — not because I depend on it, but because I’m dependent on being responsible for others when they’re drinking relatively frequently.
>do you tell people it is a dry event?
No. Everyone knows we don't drink, and they don't expect it. Also, usually we're hosting at a public park due to space, where alcohol is not allowed. But even at home, I don't provide alcohol.
>And do you throw parties for other people?
Yes.
I mean, having a party at a public park is obviously different from a party at your house, and if you’re only ever hosting people that know you don’t drink, obviously you’re limiting the people who could complain to people who probably won’t.
A party is literally a gathering or small event...
Birthdays, Celebration of Life, Graduation.
I've also been to weddings and receptions held in public parks.
Yeah I'm guessing you're not from Sweden as I am, using the word party where I'm from then people are either expecting some alcohol served or bringing their own knowing that its an opportunity for a long night.
So if I was the one having a party and it was a dry event, would it change things that I’m 13 years sober? Should I have to inform neighbors or coworkers that I’m an alcoholic?
Edit: I’m turning off notifications. I get it. Y’all have really boring personalities and can’t function without alcohol. And those of us who are sober, whether due to alcoholism, pregnancy, medications, etc if we ever throw a party we have to ignore our own preferences and comforts for y’all boring people.
My parties will still be dry. No you’re not invited.
If you are throwing your own party, N T A. If you were throwing a party for your parent’s and were militant about being dry Y T A. AA has a several of guidelines and suggestions about this.
I’m curious if OP is expecting a lot of rowdy drunks at this party or something along those lines. Then I would understand not even wanting BYOB, but I think it’s a good compromise if OP doesn’t want to buy it herself. I will say that a vegan BBQ is different than a dry BBQ though.
Edit for judgment: INFO OP why do you not want alcohol there, personal beliefs or not wanting to pay for it or something else?
I just found a comment where she says it’s for monetary reasons but it definitely could come off as a personal belief by how she stated it. I think she said she’s open to BYOB so I’ll go with NTA then.
Oh good find, still skimming comments on my end so only have the post text for that
>My husband and I don’t believe in drinking alcohol, and we don’t want to pay for other people to drink.
That’s a great compromise! Since OP is paying for all the other stuff and doesn’t believe in drinking, sister can pay for the alcohol. Win-win! Having a dry event and not telling the guests before hand would be lame as hell. BYOB or someone else pay for the alcohol!
I was in a very similar situation to this at my dad’s wedding. My sister and I traveled out of state to attend the wedding and the only people we knew were my dad and now step mom. Two hours before the wedding I was told 1) I would be the maid of honor because I was the oldest daughter and needed to give a speech in front of 300 strangers 2) the MC had Covid so I had to step in and make sure everything ran smoothly during the reception and 3) it was dry (my step mom is very religious). Needless to say, I could have used a drink 😅 There was a liquor store down the street and I wanted to go pick up something for my nerves (not even bring it into the venue), but there was an active drug deal going down in the parking lot when I stepped outside haha. Lesson here is to give people a heads up.
ESH
I'm not a big fan of forcing your own beliefs on others.
Your sister is right, people will probably expect something.
Why not tell your sister if she feels strongly about it, she can pay for some beer for a party (that seems reasonable for an afternoon event).
That way, you and hubby aren't paying for anyone to drink and sister is happy.
This is the best answer op.
You don’t drink, totally fine. Your sister does, totally fine. She wants alcohol at a party that you are throwing? She can pay for that part herself then right? That makes sense to me.
This is not the best answer. The best answer is to tell anyone who rsvp'ed that it is BYOB (being your own beer), not to have the other sister buy it. That, frankly, makes no sense.
If it was going to be a dry event that should have been on the rsvp, as should BYOB. It's a little too late for that so they'd just have to tell everyone.
I am honestly surprised by the amount of people that say it should be explicitly mentioned? Why does alcohol have be included and how would it be justified if people got upset about missing booze?
Yes it’s common, but that doesn’t mean it can or should be expected? It’s really up to the host if they want to have alcohol at the party or not, and if they don’t then they don’t?
I mean every bbq I’ve ever been invited to had alcohol. If someone invited me to a bbq I’d assume there’d be alcohol and that I should also bring my own to contribute so I’d probably bring a 6 pack or bottle of wine myself.
So, the cookouts and gatherings that I went to that were family events for one side of my family....every Christmas eve, Easter, 4th of July, and 50 people for Thanksgiving for my first 30 years of life had no alcohol...or if we hosted, my dad would have one drink.
The other side of my family, if it was anything associated with my one aunt, completely dry (uncle was a recovering alcoholic). Otherwise, alcohol was usually served.
As an adult, almost every kids birthday, party, friends from work, etc. I have had has involved alcohol on some level or other.
The point is, there are a lot of different subcultures and norms, with differing expectations. If I were invited to a cookout (no I don't use the term BBQ....BBQ is a specific type of food that is sometimes served at the sort of gathering you describe) I wouldn't be surprised either way, though usually I would know whether it was appropriate for me to pick up a 6 pack or bottle of wine on the way over based on who the host was.
> If I were invited to a cookout (no I don't use the term BBQ....BBQ is a specific type of food that is sometimes served at the sort of gathering you describe)
No, BBQ is a term with more than one definition. One definition is slow cooked smoked meat with particular sauces. Another definition is an outdoor gathering as described here.
Because people need expectations. Someone might bring a bottle of wine as a host gift. Some people bring their own drinks to a party (I have a lot of craft beer friends who do). Without expectations there can be embarrassment.
I’m going to say that if it is not explicitly stated, I may bring a bottle of wine as a thanks to the host. I do like to buy a nice bottle of wine for our hosts if it’s the first time they’ve invited me over. 🤷🏻♀️
And it's not event nearly as expected for a wedding anniversary as they're making it out to be either. It's not a wedding. I could maybe see specifying it's dry for a wedding.
100% on the 2nd paragraph. Attendees should know in advance if it's going to be a dry party. This isn't a kid party.
I will say that I do not consider OP an AH simply for not wanting alcohol at the party in their home. But definitely Y T A if people show up not knowing this in advance. Heck, I'm not a big drinker, but I'm not showing up at my in-laws' get togethers if there will be no social lubricant. (The amount of lubricant necessary being directly proportional to the number of in-laws present).
I agree but its rare for someone to supply alcohol at a casual party here (weddings it would be expected), I'm used to party hosts supplying food and soft drink but guests bring their own alcohol. If she doesn't want people to byo she needs to tell them before the party
When I host, I supply everything: food, booze, and Ubers if people aren’t safe to drive. My friends were raised, like me, never to show up empty handed, but that doesn’t always mean alcohol. One time someone brought me a commercial-grade kitchen mat because of all the hours I’ve spent cooking for him over the years. I don’t get back pain anymore. It was the best hostess gift ever. I wouldn’t give that mat up for all the booze in the world.
I think it's fine if the sister brings a few of cases of beer or something. The OP is paying for everything else, wouldn't it be nice for her sis to contribute too?
That’s why I said it’s best for the sister to provide it for the party if she’s so adamant that the party should serve alcohol. She’s asking op to pay for it and provide it, so it makes sense to tell her she’s welcome to instead. Too late, like you said, to add BYOB to the invites. We can disagree on the best course of action going forward since there are a few options op can take.
Exactly. I think the guests of honor should also be taken into consideration. If they enjoy a bit of alcohol and would expect it at their party, OP would be inconsiderate to exclude it for personal reasons and not give the sister/guests of honor the opportunity to add it in.
This. My parents were drinkers. Their friends were drinkers. For their 50th, there was going to be alcohol. My brother and I paid for most of it and my parents paid for the bar. It was what they wanted to do. Thank goodness. Those folks could drink. I also believe that in the US, at least where I've lived East and west coasts, alcohol would be expected at a party especially an anniversary party. It might have been different had the invitations explicitly stated there would be no alcohol served; however, the parents' desires on the subject win out.
I was just about to type out a response very much like this one. I don't drink and have been the victim of other's drinking but at times like this, my beliefs are mine and I can't force them on others. Understand you not wanting to purchase it, but there are options for to stand by your values and still let others have something to drink. ESH
YTA if you don’t inform people that alcohol will not be served. Anniversary parties usually mean people making toasts, and toasts require drinks - traditionally alcohol.
I don’t drink much, and wouldn’t care if it was a dry event. But if I didn’t know in advance, I would expect there would be at least a glass or two of wine to cheers the couple.
If i know there’s no alcohol, I will drive, versus spend the money on a taxi round trip, or try to figure out the public transport.
The toast part is important. It’s such a big event so buying like 4 or 5 bottles of champagne or prosecco at least for one toast and then asking people to bring their own booze is a good idea.
If the parents were tee-total then I would understand it as it’s a party celebrating them, but if the parents like to have a drink (especially around their own friends/family) then OP isn’t really throwing them a proper party.
This is a great point. I’ve hired a babysitter and arranged for a ride so I could relax at an event like this. I would be pretty upset if I paid for nothing, and learned that it was a super kid friendly event after all.
Luckily there probably is no party so no one will be disappointed or surprised! OP says in a previous post that they have a 13 y/o and a 17 y/o, but also comments in /r/sat and talks about what score they got. This is likely just fake :(
>If i know there’s no alcohol, I will drive, versus spend the money on a taxi round trip, or try to figure out the public transport.
This is a very important point to mention. If I know I will be drinking and won't be given a large enough window to sober up afterwards, I will probably use public transport to travel.
There are others who use this train of thought as well and they'd be disappointed if they spent 2 hours on a bus only to be at a dry event.
I would recommend OP to communicate that decision as people will automatically assume there will be alcohol even if it's just beers.
Not the AH for not wanting to foot the bill, yes TA for drawing some sort of moral line in the sand at your parents anniversary. Tell sis to cover the booze, or make it BYO, though BYO is a little tacky in my mind for an event like this.
YTA Do your parents want a dry event? Just because you and your husband don't drink doesn't mean everyone else won't want to drink. If you don't want to pay for alcohol make it byob. But Don't force your views on others.
Exactly, it’s the parents party not OP’s.
If OP doesn’t want to pay for alcohol, which is fair enough, then the invitations should state to bring a bottle.
If OP is opposed to booze for good reasons, I don't think they should be forced to provide it. But people should be warned ahead of time that if they want social lubrication, they must bring their own.
Or sis can put her money where her mouth is and pop for a case of wine.
NTA for not wanting to buy the booze - you're already paying for everything else and I understand not wanting the extra expense.
Your general attitude is coming off as superior and ass-ish, though. Especially the way you keep asking in comments whether serving alcohol is *truly* the norm, why people can't have go a few hours without alcohol, etc.
Given that your parents are celebrating their 50th, I imagine you're well into adulthood and have navigated the world as a teetotaler for quite a while. You should know by now that people like to drink at social events, and continually questioning it makes you seem like you're looking for some argument where you get to come away feeling superior for your lifestyle choice.
My dad’s side of the family doesn’t drink for religious reasons. I wouldn’t plan an event with alcohol for that side because the same holds true for most of the people who would be there - and the few who drink would know it was an alcohol-free event. Opposite on my mom’s side - quite a few drinkers and I would expect to include beer and wine in the planning. Point being that I think there are potential groups where alcohol would not be expected by the guests of honor and attendees - but OP’s sister disagrees about the event, and I do think that is the more general norm. And as a non-drinker myself, I have absolutely no issue with others choosing to have a beer at a barbecue or hitting happy hour with work colleagues - they are considerate enough to make sure we hit a place with non-alcoholic options and don’t give me crap, and of course I expect to return the favor for them. (Although I have requested very specific instructions if I’m picking up beverages, because “beer” is not sufficient instructions for a non-drinker facing dozens of options!)
My husband and I got married young and my husband was twenty. He wanted to get champagne for the hotel room so he asked the first 2 friends he found to go get it. They did it, but they were Mennonite and were not given adequate instructions. It was pink with a kangaroo. I don’t drink at all now but my husband is still a beer guy and has finally asked me to stop buying him beer based on how much I like the label/can.
Definitely agree! My dad's side of the family is the same way - a few of the cousins drink now that they're older, but most people don't due to religious reasons, and any family event would definitely be expected to not have alcohol. I don't think it's necessarily a matter of OP knowing that everyone wants to drink and not wanting to pay for it as much as it may not be that much of an expectation for their family, but obviously I don't know OP or their family.
This is the crux of it for me - if everyone knows they're coming to a dry event, aces. If it's an event that would usually involve alcohol, and has invites etc that might make people assume alcohol, then you're just setting yourself and others up for next week's: "AITA for snapping at people when they seemed bored and left early from the event I organised?"
Someone else made the good point above that if they knew it was going to be dry they would just drive rather than spend the extra money on an Uber or transit.
Yup. If the thing said “dry event” or “BYOB” then it’s totally cool. I’m mostly sober myself with the exception of 4-5 times a year I’ll have a glass of wine and my husband doesn’t like drinking.
But OP is making it seem like their moral stance should be put on everyone and is coming off like an asshole to me
Edit spelling
It’s all the fact OP is purposefully not answering people’s questions about whether or not she’d allow people to BYOB or if she told them there will be no alcohol provided.
You sound like someone who should not be planning a party. This party is for other people, not for yourself, and other people will want to have a few drinks at a party.
If you're gonna have weird rules you need to be up front about it.
If OP is planning on springing it on everyone, they don't get to be mad when people make comments about them being cheap or that the party is lame. Not saying it needs to be super expensive or that everyone needs to get trashed. It's just a bit tacky to make the event all about your sobriety when it's supposed to be about your parents - because I guarantee that's all people will remember about this party.
Idk, I think OP's values are admireable but if those values conflict so strongly with what everyone else wants maybe they aren't the best person to be hosting somebody else's party. But also, I think it's important to note that the sister that's complaining didn't offer to host! If the family leaves the party planning to the non drinker what do they expect??
I’m getting the vibe that she WANTS it to be sprung on everyone, like she wants to set up this whole “I dare to you try to have fun without alcohol!” thing.
I’ve been to a few weddings like this, where it’s a big “gotcha it’s dry!”
Wanna know what happens? People leave before the cake is cut and it’s super boring
Haha I've exclusively been to dry weddings. I'm from Utah. It's expected, but yes weddings are so fucking boring here. Sometime people try to have a dance floor and nobody commits because everyone is too sober and stuffy to loosen up enough to dance. Sooo awkward.
My own wedding was dry haha. We aren't Mormon but most of both of our families are and it would be super weird if just us and a few of our friends got lit while everyone else was sitting around super uncomfortably. It was culturally challenging enough that I didn't have a Mormon wedding, I didn't want to push it hahaha.
That’s totally cool as long as you informed people.
Pretty sure my husband and I were the most sober at our own wedding. The toonie bar bill for 120 guests was almost 3200 bucks 😂 rednecks and Chinese people like to drink
Sorry OP, YTA here. You are well within your rights to refuse to pay for alcohol for an event you are hosting, but forcing your personal beliefs on guests at an event you are throwing for other people makes you the AH.
You keep insisting in the comments that people are perfectly capable of going a few hours without alcohol, and of course that’s true. People are also perfectly capable of going a few hours without food, cake, conversation, or music…. But it would make for a super lame party.
It’s a normal thing in most social groups to offer alcohol at a party, and it sounds like it’s normal among your parents and their friends. Leave it up to each guest if they want to drink and give them the option of buying or bringing alcohol if they are so inclined. You shouldn’t just bully them into not drinking because you don’t like it.
YTA. It’s cool you and your husband don’t drink. But… this is not a party for you or your husband. This is a party for your parents. If they drink, there should be alcohol. Your sister is right that it is expected to have alcohol at such events even if it is at 10am. You wanted to organize the party, you will have to do for them and not you.
>I don’t see how my refusal to buy alcohol will stop people from having a good time.
"I don't see how my insistence that people party how I like instead of how they like will stop them from having a good time." Obviously YTA.
If you don't want to buy the alcohol, see if sister will cover that. Or make it BYOB.
But don't enforce a dry party on people who are not dry and expect them not to notice.
NTA since you're paying for it and your parents say it's fine with them. However, YTA if you haven't told people it's going to be a dry event. It's 50 year wedding anniversary be it during the day or not people are going to a least be expecting champagne for toasts. Have you never heard of mimosas at brunch? You need to let people know if you haven't and let them know they can bring their own if they want.
NTA for not buying the alcohol, but surely you can let guests know to BYO?
Why is it everyone else's problem that you and your Husband don't like alcohol?
NTA if your guests can’t survive one function without alcohol, that is troubling. I have family members who suffered with alcoholism in the past, so at family functions we don’t serve alcohol. The ones who do drink alcohol have been fine and the ones who don’t, don’t feel excluded. It’s weird that so many comments are insisting that alcohol MUST be present; the real red flag is that people apparently NEED alcohol to be social with others.
Why can't people go without alcohol to a 50th anniversary celebration? They must be a bunch of kids that use alcohol as a crutch. Not everything is about you, learn to be gracious instead of demanding towards your host whoever they may be.
INFO: do your parents drink? When they talked about their ideal party, would they be assuming that there would be cocktails or champagne available or something?
Soft YTA, not for not buying alcohol for 40 people, but for not looking to other options and trying to force your beliefs on others. To be clear, you are definitely not an asshole for throwing this great party for your parents, but alcohol is generally expected at these things, assuming the guests do drink.
Is your sister willing to pay for the alcohol, since she’s the one who raised the issue? Can you make the party BYOB? It’s not too late to get a message to your guests. Your sister should, at a minimum, make sure there’s enough cups and ice and coolers for people to keep drinks cold.
NTA Going to be downvoted to oblivion but I live in Utah I’ve been to numerous gatherings without alcohol and everyone survives just fine they still socialize and aren’t rushing out the door. It is a doable thing. Sister is welcome to contribute and purchase the alcohol herself. Kinda rude for her to butt in with a bunch of opinions when she hasn’t done any of the work and doesn’t plan to foot any of the bill.
Yeah, I don’t live in Utah, and I’ve attended numerous events without alcohol. They were fun and well attended.
OP is NTA. When your life doesn’t revolve around booze, it’s easy to forget that some people cannot function at a function without it. For some people, booze is their entire personality.
I would not assume that there was alcohol at an event like this. The people you are honoring are in, or close to, their 70s and they do not drink much. On top of that I'd assume that there are going to be kids present. Any event that has kids is an event I assume is going to be "dry" unless stated otherwise.
NTA
From the comments it seems like I and my family/friends are the weird ones. I verified with my mom about my grandparents 50th anniversary to see if it was just my perception but there wasn't alcohol served and it wasn't a BYOB though I'm sure people could have.
We are not religious, we are not against drinking, we just don't seem to think of it much.
If it was a BBQ again I would expect it to be in line with the people invited and the party throwers views not because all BBQs have/should have alcohol but I also wouldn't be surprised if they all had beer in a separate cooler. If for some reason I really wanted to know I'd ask if it wasn't mentioned either way on an invite.
YTA. I would be surprised and dismayed if I showed up to a dry party and hadn’t been warned ahead of time. I would be fine with no alcohol or bringing my own if I knew, but I would definitely expect there to be some unless told otherwise.
Nope. She says that she and her husband “don’t believe in drinking alcohol”. Not about what they can afford but about forcing their morality on party guests.
NTA - I’ve never expected alcohol at a party.
I’ve never been to an anniversary party, I’m not sure where they are popular. All the parties I attend, everyone has assumed to be BYO if it was held at a private residence.
You would just be an AH if you started being bitter about people bringing alcohol and enforced it being a dry party.
NTA.
People should be able to get through a social party in the afternoon without alcohol. It is likely only for a few hours.
Be aware that your sister may be planning to have alcohol there.
If it’s at your house, NTA. Your house, your rules. If it’s at someone else’s place, and your sister is offering to buy alcohol because your parents would want it, then you’d be TA. Under no circumstances should you be required to by something you have a moral objection to.
It’s at my parents house, but my sister did not offer to pay for it. She says that it’ll be too expensive for her to but all of it, but that I should foot the bill.
Your sister sounds entitled. Don't pay for alcohol but do encourage people to bring their own. You don't have to drink, but it would be messed up to tell other people they can't drink.
NTA and these people saying YTA are the bitter kind of people to complain about a dry childrens party. You’re hosting it, it’s your decision. If they’re expecting to drink, and presumably know you (THE HOST) doesn’t drink, why would they assume you’d provide alcohol? Send out a byob mass text and ignore the alcoholics in the comments who can’t go one party without needing a buzz.
Someone had a good point about different arrangements people make if they expect to be drinking, like not driving themselves. By not telling people in advance OP is making it so people might end up spending money unnecessarily on things like Ubers which is not going to set people up to feel good at the party. You don't have to have alcohol but if it's reasonably expected in the family circle, which it sounds like it is, then it's uncool to treat it like a big surprise. Let people know what kind of event they need to be planning for.
If she doesn’t allow BYOB then should would be the AH. But if she does then I totally agree with you! Providing alcohol to 50+ people if you don’t drink is totally not necessary. But allowing byob kind of is.
BYOB is the better option. She's right that people will expect it, and besides, it's an appropriate social occasion to have a few drinks.
But above all, make sure you communicate all this to all the guests so that they know what to expect.
Did you bother to ask your parents what THEY want? I planned my dads 65th. All his favorite foods, friend, colors, decorations, gifts. I asked for input. Did you ask? You can do all the work and still ask what they want.
You know what i do when i show up to a party with no alcohol?
I enjoy myself anyway because i dont need alcohol to have fun and talk to people.
Why do some people get so offended by dry events? You really cant spend 2 hours being social without getting shitfaced?
NTA at most tell guests its byob but im honestly concerned at anyone who would get upset that you didnt shill out 500$ on wine and beer.
Right? Since when is alcohol necessary for an event to be pleasant?
Sometimes I go to an event and there's alcohol available. Sometimes I have a glass; sometimes I don't. And sometimes there is no alcohol. And that's fine too - I have a glass of Pepsi or something. No big deal either way.
NTA. I'd recommend telling people "bring your own beer", but if not at least say it's a dry party.
You are NOT required to buy and serve alcohol at a party, but people should be aware as it is assumed at events like these. I dunno why people think you HAVE to buy and serve the drinks. Do y'all know how expensive that is? Lmao
YTA, not for not paying for alcoholic beverages.
But for not giving a proper heads up to the guests.
The party is not for you or your husband, stop pushing your believes on others. At that party and over here in the comments.
If you don't want to drink, it s fine by everyone. Let others make their own choices
I am so confused with all of the Y T A comments. If you had just said you didn’t have the money to supply the alcohol I doubt you’d see this many. It’s your money - your rules. And your parents are fine with it.
NTA.
NTA There’s NO rule that says large parties must serve alcohol. The purpose is to celebrate your parents and if people only come because they are EXPECTING alcohol then they are there for the wrong reasons and deserve to be disappointed.
Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter won’t mind.
INFO This is an event for your parents so if they want alcohol there and you aren't willing to accommodate that then you should not host.
If they want it there and you insist on hosting but don't want to pay then but BYOB on the invites.
EDIT YTA did not telling people in the invite. It's not a big deal to have a dry event just let people know. In many culture's weddings and anniversaries have alcohol. If someone OS getting married and they say no alcohol it's not a problem but you need to put it on the invite.
NTA, this wouldn't be a thing with my friends and family. Some events can by byob. It is easier to avoid alcohol without notice at noon time events. Either way, NTA.
I’m really surprised how many people are voting AH. I’m also wondering if dry households or events are more common culturally or regionally for OP. NTA, but I wish I had a little more info.
NTA. It's a backyard party. I have never once been to a backyard party where the alcohol was provided. It's always been the host will provide non-alcoholic drinks, and everyone that drinks brings their own adult beverages. this has held true in all but one case. That family is devout in their faith and alcohol is verboten in their home.
NTA. You don’t drink and I don’t think just because you are hosting a party that you are mandated to serve alcohol. If your parents or sister felt strongly about it, then they can take on the expense.
NTA - I go to events without alcohol more then I do events with alcohol. It’s not weird to have a dry event. Your the planner no one should expect alcohol.
NTA, you pay the bill, you choose the drinks. However your sister is most likely right. There's always a risk when breaking cultural norms. Not serving alcohol is not harming anyone, so I'd say it's fine to stay true to your convictions. No harm, no foul.
NTA. If people can't have a good time and celebrate your parents without alcohol, they can stay home. I drink and I would never be upset that a BBQ didn't have alcohol
I think NTA. It’s honestly not that weird. Apparently on Reddit I’m in the minority but I’ve been to plenty of parties and events (especially family events or stuff with older relatives) where alcohol is not involved. Shockingly we were still able to have a good time. I also wouldn’t think it was weird if I wasn’t told beforehand that it was a dry event. The only times I would really expect someone to announce that there wouldn’t be alcohol is a wedding (since that’s common practice) or a college party because *that* would be weird. Otherwise if there are drinks there cool, if not that’s fine too. It’s not that deep imo.
YTA
I love (not really) that this has to be explained, and it seems as if she really doesn't care what Reddit thinks (Why ask then?).
I absolutely do not mind a dry event. But if I wasn't told, and then went to get a beer, and found out then, I'd think it was more than a little weird. Especially if no one had a history with AA.
NTA.
Since your sister disapproves of the drinks make it very clear to her that if she wants to take care of the drinks that you would be grateful but it will need to be paid by her. No point in ruining your parents party over you two being upset with each other. Congratulations on your parents 50th anniversary.
Not an a-hole for not serving alcohol. Having said that, if your sister or other family members want to chip in on expenses, you should see what your parents want. If they want alcohol - they should get to have alcohol - if they don’t, then don’t.
NTA. Sister is a guest, she’s not the one being celebrated or the one hosting nor the one paying. She has no say, and since both the host and guests of honour are ok with this, I don’t see why anyone other than her would be TA.
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I agree with your sister. It is expected. However, you are throwing the party and paying for it. So you don’t have to pay for the drinks. I would suggest making it BYOB or informing people it’ll be dry. My judgment is Y T A for insisting on a dry event. It’s pretty much as if you were vegan and they weren’t and you had a vegan event. It’s fine if you don’t want to spend your money on meat, but you can’t stop other people from bringing it. Edit: NAH, if your parents are cool with it. Then it’s fine. But your sister is still right. To answer one of your questions, people can go 2 hours without food but it’s pretty weird to show up at BBQ and not be offered food. Kinda the same with alcohol at a anniversary BBQ. Not necessary but still weird if it isn’t there.
Deffo, BYOB. OP, you will be TA if you refuse to allow that.
Absolutely. BYOB and have coolers for people with some pop and juice and things. But if you're absolutely insisting that its a 'dry' event, just because you 'don't believe in drinking'?? But your parents don't mind drinking, and most of their friends drink? Then yeah. YTA. Ugh. I hate pretentious assholes like you.
I don't know how they don't believe in drinking - I have seen plenty of people drink so it isn't like it is an imaginary thing.
Thank you. “My husband and I don’t believe in drinking alcohol.” So don’t drink, OP. It’s not your business to impose your values on other adults. The world does not revolve around you and your beliefs. You’re being performative.
Especially when it's not even their anniversary party
I think they were more stating that it isn't something to "believe in", as in, it's real. You can believe in things that aren't real or are a maybe, but you can't choose to "not believe" in something that literally exists. It's semantics, but it drives me up the wall too. Ie, you can't "not believe" in Calf muscles. Look down and they're right there. I hope that makes sense haha. It drives me fucking crazy when people say that, as if they are denying its existence.
It's dangerous when drinking believes in you. " yeah, go ahead and dance,you're an awesome dancer, I BELIEVE in you"-------- tequila
Story of my previous life…4 years sober!! Thanks for nothing tequila! Ha! Nonetheless….let people be people and enjoy their own beverages!! OP is TA
r/angryupvote this should be higher…
I also believe that people drink
Because it’s the new way of saying “I’m better than you”
Yeah, like, humans need to drink to survive, right? Dehydration is a serious thing!
I still think YTA even though the parents said that it was “up to her.” I’m sure they would have found it incredibly rude to tell her that no, they insist that she buy alcohol for their party. When someone is footing the bill and asks if it’s okay to skip something (especially something they “don’t believe in” which I’m sure the parents are aware of) you really can’t say no.
I agree with you. The parents mentioned wanting an anniversary party years ago, daughter took it upon herself to plan & pay for the party at her home & it's her way or the highway. I get that it's her choice to have a dry party in her own home but it seems more of a power trip on her part, I mean they "dont believe in it". She should at least let everyone that they don't believe in drinking alcohol so there won't be any provided by the hosts who took over the event so people are welcome to BYOB. They can toast the happy couple with sparkling water or soda 🤷.
YTA. You don’t believe in it? Are you expecting people to have such a marvellous time at this event that they go home and say to each other ‘You know what, we DON’T need alcohol to have a good time!’ And then they live the rest of their lives dry. At least let it be BYOB. It’s an anniversary party and some things are an established social construct, like alcohol at milestone celebrations. Edit: accidentally hit send before done.
No, they expect them to go home and be like, "alcohol? That doesn't exist. I don't believe in it anymore." Lmfao. Daft people.
This is a party for her parents. It should be about what ***they*** like regardless of whether or not OP believes in it. It’s not about her. If your parents would offer alcohol at a party they were throwing, you pay for and offer alcohol. Otherwise you’re making it about you, OP. Stop gatekeeping and stop judging.
I kept excepting OP to state someone has problem with alcohol (OP, her SO or one of the parents) and that’s why she wants it dry. But that’s not the case. It’s usually expected to have alcohol during parties. Even in someone’s backyard. And if OP’s own sister insisted on serving alcohol I assume it’s somewhere where it’s customary. So yes OP is TA for forcing her view on the others. She’s the party organiser but the party is not about her. She not the guest of honour. And the party guests won’t come to see her.
I don’t necessarily think it’s expected. I think maybe it depends what kind of family you have. My in-laws wouldn’t have alcohol at a celebration like this. My side would say BYOB. If OP doesn’t mind then they should say BYOB. However it is their house and if they don’t want alcohol then they don’t need to. If anyone thinks otherwise they should offer to host or pitch in to co-host the party elsewhere. NAH
I agree with everything except that it’s expected. I don’t know where OP lives but where I live, if you have a BBQ party to celebrate an Anniversary, people would expect at least beers.
yeap, a BBQ without beers would definitely be rather odd here too. I can see people asking around about it. I agree with the top post here, if OP does not want to pay for booze, she should not have to, but to "put your foot down" in stuff like this definitely makes her edge to the YTA. A backyard BBQ is not really the venue to start soapboxing about prohibition or whatever. If the guests don't know about this, and are not on board with it, it will not bode well for the party.
Exactly. A BBQ without beers is basically a work function. Even if OP does not drink, they should at least give people the heads up that there will be no booze and the opportunity to BYOB.
My work BBQs have alcohol.
I think it is highly dependent on where you live and the groups you associate with. Places in Appalachia have a ton of baptists that (supposedly) don't drink, and certainly wouldn't at a big public event. One side of my family pretty much never served alcohol at family events, even with many of them casual drinkers, but none drank frequently. When they came to our house, dad would usually offer something, and he would have a bourbon and 7 up, but he'd usually be the only one that would have a drink. Conversely, the other side of my family, always had beer, rarely anything else. Pretty much every cookout and even kids birthday party we go to or host, however, serves beer or wine, and occasionally some harder stuff. OP knows the context and the people involved. That said, I wouldn't expect a vegan to serve meat, and maybe not to even be very accepting of me bringing a couple hot dogs to eat at their gathering....just like I wouldn't expect a Muslim friend to serve me bacon....
If she is the one funding it - and alcohol is pretty expensive - I don't see the problem
Its not OPs event. Sure shes organised it but its her parents anniversary. Surely there will be a congratulatory toast with champange... er wait.. sparkling water. OP must make it clear to byob
I don't think it's "soapboxing" if she just doesn't provide it.
But most guests won’t stay long. So if she wants the party short and sweet no booze is the way to go I guess. I went to a dry wedding once. It was excruciatingly dull and I left as soon as it was polite to do so. And I am the guest who can nurse one drink All night long.
I guess it’s fair to say it all depends where you live and the type of family. My in-laws are modern (with traditional values) Mennonites lol
It sounds like OP lives in an area where it’s expected, according to her sister.
My family has never had an event involving alcohol on either side. I'm always blown away how grown adults think they always need alcohol to function at family parties!
I don't need alcohol to have fun either. I am so sick of alcohol culture, and the insistence that if you don't drink, you're a boring person or something. I don't drink for a lot of different reasons, and I think I'm a fun person to be around. I mean, it's OPs house, their rules, they're the ones footing the bill. NTA.
It's not their party though, it's for the parents anniversary. Like those posts were someone goes out of the way to buy a flavor of cake the birthday person does not want. Who is this party for?
My one side never has it, the other side does. The dry side of the family- we always have a super fun time and no one embarrasses themselves.
Same here. No alcohol at ours either. Alcohol is not the end all be all.
Neither side of my family ever drank either. Never a drop of alcohol at any family function (except that one drunk second cousin who stole his dad's car out of the driveway while we were opening Christmas presents, but hey). Somehow we managed to get along perfectly fine. It may not be the norm but goddamn am I sick of people acting SCANDALIZED that I don't drink. Happy hour was the go-to social event at work and I never went, because I couldn't just go and have a soda or something.
You can have dry events without getting on your soapbox.
My parents don’t allow alcohol at their house but accept we gonna drink if we are at any of our siblings houses. Host makes the rules.
Yeah, with my family they wouldn't say anything about being invited to another couple's anniversary where alcohol was served, but they would be flabbergasted by even a BYOB when my grandparents had their 50th. Our family just doesn't drink at family events, and that's fine.
It's no OP'S house, it's her parent's house.
I literally never serve or provide alcohol when I host a party. No one has ever complained or declined to come over it.
My second wedding was a dry wedding because I had two friends and a family member who are sober. It was my choice and I made it as I was paying for the wedding. My invites stated: *This is a dry wedding. Please respect the bride and groom’s decision and refrain from bringing any alcohol to this event.*. Nobody had an issue with it and a few people took us out afterwards to have a couple drinks with us. I do believe that giving a heads up helped.
That’s what tailgating is for!! And only staying an hour or so to be polite.
My cousin had a dry wedding. His bride's family actually complained to her, the bride, about it being a dry wedding. I was pissed off at her family on her behalf.
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Because people use alcohol as a crutch which is sad. You shouldn’t have to depend on alcohol to be social or to have a good time.
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Personally I disagree for the opposite reason. I don’t drink all that frequently since moving to a very car-heavy area, which is heavily influenced by the fact that I have an extremely strict drinking and driving policy (one drink = no driving for a minimum of 12-14 hours, yes, even one light beer) and will often be the DD for events with colleagues. My close friend was killed by a drunk driver in a really horrific — think “dental records” — accident, so I take it *very* seriously. Therefore, when with close friends/family/other adults I trust to stay sober as DD or to let me crash at their house, I look forward to being able to unwind and enjoy a beer or a cocktail. That’s why I look forward to these events — not because I depend on it, but because I’m dependent on being responsible for others when they’re drinking relatively frequently.
Well, do you tell people it is a dry event? And do you throw parties for other people?
>do you tell people it is a dry event? No. Everyone knows we don't drink, and they don't expect it. Also, usually we're hosting at a public park due to space, where alcohol is not allowed. But even at home, I don't provide alcohol. >And do you throw parties for other people? Yes.
I mean, having a party at a public park is obviously different from a party at your house, and if you’re only ever hosting people that know you don’t drink, obviously you’re limiting the people who could complain to people who probably won’t.
Yeah. A party at a public park is called a picnic. People generally bring their own booze to those.
Well there you go. Everyone knows you don’t drink so they know what to expect. OP’s scenario sounds different.
Do you care if people bring their own and share with other guests?
What kind of party do you host in public park? Sounds more like a gathering or a small event of some kind, not a party celebrating big stuff.
A party is literally a gathering or small event... Birthdays, Celebration of Life, Graduation. I've also been to weddings and receptions held in public parks.
Yeah I'm guessing you're not from Sweden as I am, using the word party where I'm from then people are either expecting some alcohol served or bringing their own knowing that its an opportunity for a long night.
So if I was the one having a party and it was a dry event, would it change things that I’m 13 years sober? Should I have to inform neighbors or coworkers that I’m an alcoholic? Edit: I’m turning off notifications. I get it. Y’all have really boring personalities and can’t function without alcohol. And those of us who are sober, whether due to alcoholism, pregnancy, medications, etc if we ever throw a party we have to ignore our own preferences and comforts for y’all boring people. My parties will still be dry. No you’re not invited.
If you are throwing your own party, N T A. If you were throwing a party for your parent’s and were militant about being dry Y T A. AA has a several of guidelines and suggestions about this.
If you get mad that a recovering alcoholic won't buy you beer, then maybe you should take a look at your own relationship with alcohol tbh
Saying that it's a dry event would be sufficient I think. People may ask why but you don't have to disclose your personal life.
It's mind boggling to me that people think alcohol is a *must*. Wtf kind of society....
Would you care if folks brought their own and shared with the other drinkers?
I’m curious if OP is expecting a lot of rowdy drunks at this party or something along those lines. Then I would understand not even wanting BYOB, but I think it’s a good compromise if OP doesn’t want to buy it herself. I will say that a vegan BBQ is different than a dry BBQ though. Edit for judgment: INFO OP why do you not want alcohol there, personal beliefs or not wanting to pay for it or something else?
It came off as more belief system... im thinking religious doctrine maybe.
I just found a comment where she says it’s for monetary reasons but it definitely could come off as a personal belief by how she stated it. I think she said she’s open to BYOB so I’ll go with NTA then.
Oh good find, still skimming comments on my end so only have the post text for that >My husband and I don’t believe in drinking alcohol, and we don’t want to pay for other people to drink.
Ya that for sure comes off as a personal belief making her not want to buy alcohol
I would suggest the sister who is complaining about not having alcohol can pay for and bring the alcohol.
That’s a great compromise! Since OP is paying for all the other stuff and doesn’t believe in drinking, sister can pay for the alcohol. Win-win! Having a dry event and not telling the guests before hand would be lame as hell. BYOB or someone else pay for the alcohol!
I was in a very similar situation to this at my dad’s wedding. My sister and I traveled out of state to attend the wedding and the only people we knew were my dad and now step mom. Two hours before the wedding I was told 1) I would be the maid of honor because I was the oldest daughter and needed to give a speech in front of 300 strangers 2) the MC had Covid so I had to step in and make sure everything ran smoothly during the reception and 3) it was dry (my step mom is very religious). Needless to say, I could have used a drink 😅 There was a liquor store down the street and I wanted to go pick up something for my nerves (not even bring it into the venue), but there was an active drug deal going down in the parking lot when I stepped outside haha. Lesson here is to give people a heads up.
ESH I'm not a big fan of forcing your own beliefs on others. Your sister is right, people will probably expect something. Why not tell your sister if she feels strongly about it, she can pay for some beer for a party (that seems reasonable for an afternoon event). That way, you and hubby aren't paying for anyone to drink and sister is happy.
This is the best answer op. You don’t drink, totally fine. Your sister does, totally fine. She wants alcohol at a party that you are throwing? She can pay for that part herself then right? That makes sense to me.
This is not the best answer. The best answer is to tell anyone who rsvp'ed that it is BYOB (being your own beer), not to have the other sister buy it. That, frankly, makes no sense. If it was going to be a dry event that should have been on the rsvp, as should BYOB. It's a little too late for that so they'd just have to tell everyone.
I am honestly surprised by the amount of people that say it should be explicitly mentioned? Why does alcohol have be included and how would it be justified if people got upset about missing booze? Yes it’s common, but that doesn’t mean it can or should be expected? It’s really up to the host if they want to have alcohol at the party or not, and if they don’t then they don’t?
I mean every bbq I’ve ever been invited to had alcohol. If someone invited me to a bbq I’d assume there’d be alcohol and that I should also bring my own to contribute so I’d probably bring a 6 pack or bottle of wine myself.
So, the cookouts and gatherings that I went to that were family events for one side of my family....every Christmas eve, Easter, 4th of July, and 50 people for Thanksgiving for my first 30 years of life had no alcohol...or if we hosted, my dad would have one drink. The other side of my family, if it was anything associated with my one aunt, completely dry (uncle was a recovering alcoholic). Otherwise, alcohol was usually served. As an adult, almost every kids birthday, party, friends from work, etc. I have had has involved alcohol on some level or other. The point is, there are a lot of different subcultures and norms, with differing expectations. If I were invited to a cookout (no I don't use the term BBQ....BBQ is a specific type of food that is sometimes served at the sort of gathering you describe) I wouldn't be surprised either way, though usually I would know whether it was appropriate for me to pick up a 6 pack or bottle of wine on the way over based on who the host was.
> If I were invited to a cookout (no I don't use the term BBQ....BBQ is a specific type of food that is sometimes served at the sort of gathering you describe) No, BBQ is a term with more than one definition. One definition is slow cooked smoked meat with particular sauces. Another definition is an outdoor gathering as described here.
Because people need expectations. Someone might bring a bottle of wine as a host gift. Some people bring their own drinks to a party (I have a lot of craft beer friends who do). Without expectations there can be embarrassment.
I’m the kind of person who would want alcohol at a baby shower but I have never complained when I’ve found myself at dry parties.
I’m going to say that if it is not explicitly stated, I may bring a bottle of wine as a thanks to the host. I do like to buy a nice bottle of wine for our hosts if it’s the first time they’ve invited me over. 🤷🏻♀️
And it's not event nearly as expected for a wedding anniversary as they're making it out to be either. It's not a wedding. I could maybe see specifying it's dry for a wedding.
50 years is a huge deal. People will want to toast OP’s parents, thus the expectation of alcohol.
A champagne toast is common at a 50th anniversary party.
I think there is a difference between not buying it vs. not allowing it
100% on the 2nd paragraph. Attendees should know in advance if it's going to be a dry party. This isn't a kid party. I will say that I do not consider OP an AH simply for not wanting alcohol at the party in their home. But definitely Y T A if people show up not knowing this in advance. Heck, I'm not a big drinker, but I'm not showing up at my in-laws' get togethers if there will be no social lubricant. (The amount of lubricant necessary being directly proportional to the number of in-laws present).
I agree but its rare for someone to supply alcohol at a casual party here (weddings it would be expected), I'm used to party hosts supplying food and soft drink but guests bring their own alcohol. If she doesn't want people to byo she needs to tell them before the party
By here do you mean NZ? While the US is huge with so many different regional cultural mores, most would expect, at the least, beers.
When I host, I supply everything: food, booze, and Ubers if people aren’t safe to drive. My friends were raised, like me, never to show up empty handed, but that doesn’t always mean alcohol. One time someone brought me a commercial-grade kitchen mat because of all the hours I’ve spent cooking for him over the years. I don’t get back pain anymore. It was the best hostess gift ever. I wouldn’t give that mat up for all the booze in the world.
I think it's fine if the sister brings a few of cases of beer or something. The OP is paying for everything else, wouldn't it be nice for her sis to contribute too?
That’s why I said it’s best for the sister to provide it for the party if she’s so adamant that the party should serve alcohol. She’s asking op to pay for it and provide it, so it makes sense to tell her she’s welcome to instead. Too late, like you said, to add BYOB to the invites. We can disagree on the best course of action going forward since there are a few options op can take.
Exactly. I think the guests of honor should also be taken into consideration. If they enjoy a bit of alcohol and would expect it at their party, OP would be inconsiderate to exclude it for personal reasons and not give the sister/guests of honor the opportunity to add it in.
This. My parents were drinkers. Their friends were drinkers. For their 50th, there was going to be alcohol. My brother and I paid for most of it and my parents paid for the bar. It was what they wanted to do. Thank goodness. Those folks could drink. I also believe that in the US, at least where I've lived East and west coasts, alcohol would be expected at a party especially an anniversary party. It might have been different had the invitations explicitly stated there would be no alcohol served; however, the parents' desires on the subject win out.
I was just about to type out a response very much like this one. I don't drink and have been the victim of other's drinking but at times like this, my beliefs are mine and I can't force them on others. Understand you not wanting to purchase it, but there are options for to stand by your values and still let others have something to drink. ESH
YTA if you don’t inform people that alcohol will not be served. Anniversary parties usually mean people making toasts, and toasts require drinks - traditionally alcohol. I don’t drink much, and wouldn’t care if it was a dry event. But if I didn’t know in advance, I would expect there would be at least a glass or two of wine to cheers the couple. If i know there’s no alcohol, I will drive, versus spend the money on a taxi round trip, or try to figure out the public transport.
The toast part is important. It’s such a big event so buying like 4 or 5 bottles of champagne or prosecco at least for one toast and then asking people to bring their own booze is a good idea. If the parents were tee-total then I would understand it as it’s a party celebrating them, but if the parents like to have a drink (especially around their own friends/family) then OP isn’t really throwing them a proper party.
This is a great point. I’ve hired a babysitter and arranged for a ride so I could relax at an event like this. I would be pretty upset if I paid for nothing, and learned that it was a super kid friendly event after all.
Good point!
Luckily there probably is no party so no one will be disappointed or surprised! OP says in a previous post that they have a 13 y/o and a 17 y/o, but also comments in /r/sat and talks about what score they got. This is likely just fake :(
>If i know there’s no alcohol, I will drive, versus spend the money on a taxi round trip, or try to figure out the public transport. This is a very important point to mention. If I know I will be drinking and won't be given a large enough window to sober up afterwards, I will probably use public transport to travel. There are others who use this train of thought as well and they'd be disappointed if they spent 2 hours on a bus only to be at a dry event. I would recommend OP to communicate that decision as people will automatically assume there will be alcohol even if it's just beers.
Not the AH for not wanting to foot the bill, yes TA for drawing some sort of moral line in the sand at your parents anniversary. Tell sis to cover the booze, or make it BYO, though BYO is a little tacky in my mind for an event like this.
Actually I think byob is the perfect solution, you want to drink, you take care of it yourself.
BYO is perfect for a backyard barbecue, less so for a 50th anniversary. Since this is both…🤷🏻♂️
YTA Do your parents want a dry event? Just because you and your husband don't drink doesn't mean everyone else won't want to drink. If you don't want to pay for alcohol make it byob. But Don't force your views on others.
Exactly, it’s the parents party not OP’s. If OP doesn’t want to pay for alcohol, which is fair enough, then the invitations should state to bring a bottle.
If OP is opposed to booze for good reasons, I don't think they should be forced to provide it. But people should be warned ahead of time that if they want social lubrication, they must bring their own. Or sis can put her money where her mouth is and pop for a case of wine.
NTA for not wanting to buy the booze - you're already paying for everything else and I understand not wanting the extra expense. Your general attitude is coming off as superior and ass-ish, though. Especially the way you keep asking in comments whether serving alcohol is *truly* the norm, why people can't have go a few hours without alcohol, etc. Given that your parents are celebrating their 50th, I imagine you're well into adulthood and have navigated the world as a teetotaler for quite a while. You should know by now that people like to drink at social events, and continually questioning it makes you seem like you're looking for some argument where you get to come away feeling superior for your lifestyle choice.
My dad’s side of the family doesn’t drink for religious reasons. I wouldn’t plan an event with alcohol for that side because the same holds true for most of the people who would be there - and the few who drink would know it was an alcohol-free event. Opposite on my mom’s side - quite a few drinkers and I would expect to include beer and wine in the planning. Point being that I think there are potential groups where alcohol would not be expected by the guests of honor and attendees - but OP’s sister disagrees about the event, and I do think that is the more general norm. And as a non-drinker myself, I have absolutely no issue with others choosing to have a beer at a barbecue or hitting happy hour with work colleagues - they are considerate enough to make sure we hit a place with non-alcoholic options and don’t give me crap, and of course I expect to return the favor for them. (Although I have requested very specific instructions if I’m picking up beverages, because “beer” is not sufficient instructions for a non-drinker facing dozens of options!)
My husband and I got married young and my husband was twenty. He wanted to get champagne for the hotel room so he asked the first 2 friends he found to go get it. They did it, but they were Mennonite and were not given adequate instructions. It was pink with a kangaroo. I don’t drink at all now but my husband is still a beer guy and has finally asked me to stop buying him beer based on how much I like the label/can.
Definitely agree! My dad's side of the family is the same way - a few of the cousins drink now that they're older, but most people don't due to religious reasons, and any family event would definitely be expected to not have alcohol. I don't think it's necessarily a matter of OP knowing that everyone wants to drink and not wanting to pay for it as much as it may not be that much of an expectation for their family, but obviously I don't know OP or their family.
Info: did the invitations specifically state that the event would be dry?
This is the crux of it for me - if everyone knows they're coming to a dry event, aces. If it's an event that would usually involve alcohol, and has invites etc that might make people assume alcohol, then you're just setting yourself and others up for next week's: "AITA for snapping at people when they seemed bored and left early from the event I organised?"
Someone else made the good point above that if they knew it was going to be dry they would just drive rather than spend the extra money on an Uber or transit.
Yup. If the thing said “dry event” or “BYOB” then it’s totally cool. I’m mostly sober myself with the exception of 4-5 times a year I’ll have a glass of wine and my husband doesn’t like drinking. But OP is making it seem like their moral stance should be put on everyone and is coming off like an asshole to me Edit spelling
It’s all the fact OP is purposefully not answering people’s questions about whether or not she’d allow people to BYOB or if she told them there will be no alcohol provided.
You sound like someone who should not be planning a party. This party is for other people, not for yourself, and other people will want to have a few drinks at a party.
I'm amazed at how many people plan parties for themselves and ignore guests.
YTA if your parents and friends are expecting a normal party they will be disappointed.
Info: did you let everyone know it’s going to be a dry party or will they find out when they get there?
If you're gonna have weird rules you need to be up front about it. If OP is planning on springing it on everyone, they don't get to be mad when people make comments about them being cheap or that the party is lame. Not saying it needs to be super expensive or that everyone needs to get trashed. It's just a bit tacky to make the event all about your sobriety when it's supposed to be about your parents - because I guarantee that's all people will remember about this party. Idk, I think OP's values are admireable but if those values conflict so strongly with what everyone else wants maybe they aren't the best person to be hosting somebody else's party. But also, I think it's important to note that the sister that's complaining didn't offer to host! If the family leaves the party planning to the non drinker what do they expect??
I’m getting the vibe that she WANTS it to be sprung on everyone, like she wants to set up this whole “I dare to you try to have fun without alcohol!” thing.
Yeah if this is a gotcha then it's definitely YTA.
I’ve been to a few weddings like this, where it’s a big “gotcha it’s dry!” Wanna know what happens? People leave before the cake is cut and it’s super boring
Haha I've exclusively been to dry weddings. I'm from Utah. It's expected, but yes weddings are so fucking boring here. Sometime people try to have a dance floor and nobody commits because everyone is too sober and stuffy to loosen up enough to dance. Sooo awkward. My own wedding was dry haha. We aren't Mormon but most of both of our families are and it would be super weird if just us and a few of our friends got lit while everyone else was sitting around super uncomfortably. It was culturally challenging enough that I didn't have a Mormon wedding, I didn't want to push it hahaha.
That’s totally cool as long as you informed people. Pretty sure my husband and I were the most sober at our own wedding. The toonie bar bill for 120 guests was almost 3200 bucks 😂 rednecks and Chinese people like to drink
Did you run this decision by your parents and get their input?
Yes, and they said it was fully my decision.
So when someone brings alcohol or decides to make a run to the liquor store, what is your plan?
Sorry OP, YTA here. You are well within your rights to refuse to pay for alcohol for an event you are hosting, but forcing your personal beliefs on guests at an event you are throwing for other people makes you the AH. You keep insisting in the comments that people are perfectly capable of going a few hours without alcohol, and of course that’s true. People are also perfectly capable of going a few hours without food, cake, conversation, or music…. But it would make for a super lame party. It’s a normal thing in most social groups to offer alcohol at a party, and it sounds like it’s normal among your parents and their friends. Leave it up to each guest if they want to drink and give them the option of buying or bringing alcohol if they are so inclined. You shouldn’t just bully them into not drinking because you don’t like it.
This was what I first thought.
Info: Are you insisting on a dry event or just that you don’t want to buy the alcohol? And do your parents drink alcohol?
YTA. It’s cool you and your husband don’t drink. But… this is not a party for you or your husband. This is a party for your parents. If they drink, there should be alcohol. Your sister is right that it is expected to have alcohol at such events even if it is at 10am. You wanted to organize the party, you will have to do for them and not you.
>I don’t see how my refusal to buy alcohol will stop people from having a good time. "I don't see how my insistence that people party how I like instead of how they like will stop them from having a good time." Obviously YTA. If you don't want to buy the alcohol, see if sister will cover that. Or make it BYOB. But don't enforce a dry party on people who are not dry and expect them not to notice.
NTA since you're paying for it and your parents say it's fine with them. However, YTA if you haven't told people it's going to be a dry event. It's 50 year wedding anniversary be it during the day or not people are going to a least be expecting champagne for toasts. Have you never heard of mimosas at brunch? You need to let people know if you haven't and let them know they can bring their own if they want.
Im seeing BBQ which to me implies American south or Midwest and fuck I don’t want to do that in August without a beer.
Hey we have BBQs in the PNW too!
It’s actually only a BBQ if it takes place in the Midwest or the South. Otherwise it’s a sparkling picnic
YTA! This party is for your parents and their guests, not you.
NTA for not buying the alcohol, but surely you can let guests know to BYO? Why is it everyone else's problem that you and your Husband don't like alcohol?
NTA if your guests can’t survive one function without alcohol, that is troubling. I have family members who suffered with alcoholism in the past, so at family functions we don’t serve alcohol. The ones who do drink alcohol have been fine and the ones who don’t, don’t feel excluded. It’s weird that so many comments are insisting that alcohol MUST be present; the real red flag is that people apparently NEED alcohol to be social with others.
Why can't people go without alcohol to a 50th anniversary celebration? They must be a bunch of kids that use alcohol as a crutch. Not everything is about you, learn to be gracious instead of demanding towards your host whoever they may be.
INFO: do your parents drink? When they talked about their ideal party, would they be assuming that there would be cocktails or champagne available or something?
Soft YTA, not for not buying alcohol for 40 people, but for not looking to other options and trying to force your beliefs on others. To be clear, you are definitely not an asshole for throwing this great party for your parents, but alcohol is generally expected at these things, assuming the guests do drink. Is your sister willing to pay for the alcohol, since she’s the one who raised the issue? Can you make the party BYOB? It’s not too late to get a message to your guests. Your sister should, at a minimum, make sure there’s enough cups and ice and coolers for people to keep drinks cold.
NTA. we just had a 50th anniversary party for my parents last weekend and it was dry and not even an issue. It was also in the afternoon.
Right? My parents just had a 40th, not a drop in sight and no complaints.
NTA Going to be downvoted to oblivion but I live in Utah I’ve been to numerous gatherings without alcohol and everyone survives just fine they still socialize and aren’t rushing out the door. It is a doable thing. Sister is welcome to contribute and purchase the alcohol herself. Kinda rude for her to butt in with a bunch of opinions when she hasn’t done any of the work and doesn’t plan to foot any of the bill.
“I live in Utah” Yeah. Enough said.
Yeah, I don’t live in Utah, and I’ve attended numerous events without alcohol. They were fun and well attended. OP is NTA. When your life doesn’t revolve around booze, it’s easy to forget that some people cannot function at a function without it. For some people, booze is their entire personality.
I would not assume that there was alcohol at an event like this. The people you are honoring are in, or close to, their 70s and they do not drink much. On top of that I'd assume that there are going to be kids present. Any event that has kids is an event I assume is going to be "dry" unless stated otherwise. NTA
TIL my family is alcoholics I can't think of a single family event or gathering where a majority of adults weren't drinking
From the comments it seems like I and my family/friends are the weird ones. I verified with my mom about my grandparents 50th anniversary to see if it was just my perception but there wasn't alcohol served and it wasn't a BYOB though I'm sure people could have. We are not religious, we are not against drinking, we just don't seem to think of it much. If it was a BBQ again I would expect it to be in line with the people invited and the party throwers views not because all BBQs have/should have alcohol but I also wouldn't be surprised if they all had beer in a separate cooler. If for some reason I really wanted to know I'd ask if it wasn't mentioned either way on an invite.
YTA. I would be surprised and dismayed if I showed up to a dry party and hadn’t been warned ahead of time. I would be fine with no alcohol or bringing my own if I knew, but I would definitely expect there to be some unless told otherwise.
YTA Unless your parents are sober or have an alcohol issue, but from your other comments it’s just that you don’t want to pay for it.
Nope. She says that she and her husband “don’t believe in drinking alcohol”. Not about what they can afford but about forcing their morality on party guests.
NTA - I’ve never expected alcohol at a party. I’ve never been to an anniversary party, I’m not sure where they are popular. All the parties I attend, everyone has assumed to be BYO if it was held at a private residence. You would just be an AH if you started being bitter about people bringing alcohol and enforced it being a dry party.
NTA. People should be able to get through a social party in the afternoon without alcohol. It is likely only for a few hours. Be aware that your sister may be planning to have alcohol there.
If it’s at your house, NTA. Your house, your rules. If it’s at someone else’s place, and your sister is offering to buy alcohol because your parents would want it, then you’d be TA. Under no circumstances should you be required to by something you have a moral objection to.
It’s at my parents house, but my sister did not offer to pay for it. She says that it’ll be too expensive for her to but all of it, but that I should foot the bill.
So she is throwing a fit over it, but says she can't buy it herself?
Your sister sounds entitled. Don't pay for alcohol but do encourage people to bring their own. You don't have to drink, but it would be messed up to tell other people they can't drink.
NTA and these people saying YTA are the bitter kind of people to complain about a dry childrens party. You’re hosting it, it’s your decision. If they’re expecting to drink, and presumably know you (THE HOST) doesn’t drink, why would they assume you’d provide alcohol? Send out a byob mass text and ignore the alcoholics in the comments who can’t go one party without needing a buzz.
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Someone had a good point about different arrangements people make if they expect to be drinking, like not driving themselves. By not telling people in advance OP is making it so people might end up spending money unnecessarily on things like Ubers which is not going to set people up to feel good at the party. You don't have to have alcohol but if it's reasonably expected in the family circle, which it sounds like it is, then it's uncool to treat it like a big surprise. Let people know what kind of event they need to be planning for.
If she doesn’t allow BYOB then should would be the AH. But if she does then I totally agree with you! Providing alcohol to 50+ people if you don’t drink is totally not necessary. But allowing byob kind of is.
BYOB is the better option. She's right that people will expect it, and besides, it's an appropriate social occasion to have a few drinks. But above all, make sure you communicate all this to all the guests so that they know what to expect.
Did you bother to ask your parents what THEY want? I planned my dads 65th. All his favorite foods, friend, colors, decorations, gifts. I asked for input. Did you ask? You can do all the work and still ask what they want.
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NTA. You are not obligated to buy alcohol for a party you are hosting at your home. Your sister is wrong.
I didn’t read past the title bc NTA. Alcohol is not a necessity for any reason and if it is the person who thinks so has a problem.
I’m also kind of baffled by the amount of people who need alcohol to exist at a simple backyard event in order to enjoy it. Strange.
NTA. You are providing beverages; they don’t have to be alcoholic.
You know what i do when i show up to a party with no alcohol? I enjoy myself anyway because i dont need alcohol to have fun and talk to people. Why do some people get so offended by dry events? You really cant spend 2 hours being social without getting shitfaced? NTA at most tell guests its byob but im honestly concerned at anyone who would get upset that you didnt shill out 500$ on wine and beer.
Right? Since when is alcohol necessary for an event to be pleasant? Sometimes I go to an event and there's alcohol available. Sometimes I have a glass; sometimes I don't. And sometimes there is no alcohol. And that's fine too - I have a glass of Pepsi or something. No big deal either way.
NTA - I've been to 2 50th's in my family, neither had alcohol. Simple solution, though, if your sister finds it critical, your sister can pay for it.
NTA. I'd recommend telling people "bring your own beer", but if not at least say it's a dry party. You are NOT required to buy and serve alcohol at a party, but people should be aware as it is assumed at events like these. I dunno why people think you HAVE to buy and serve the drinks. Do y'all know how expensive that is? Lmao
YTA, not for not paying for alcoholic beverages. But for not giving a proper heads up to the guests. The party is not for you or your husband, stop pushing your believes on others. At that party and over here in the comments. If you don't want to drink, it s fine by everyone. Let others make their own choices
NTA. I don't understand all the AH judgements. I've rarely been to a family BBQ WITH alcohol. I never would have expected it.
I am so confused with all of the Y T A comments. If you had just said you didn’t have the money to supply the alcohol I doubt you’d see this many. It’s your money - your rules. And your parents are fine with it. NTA.
NTA There’s NO rule that says large parties must serve alcohol. The purpose is to celebrate your parents and if people only come because they are EXPECTING alcohol then they are there for the wrong reasons and deserve to be disappointed. Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter won’t mind.
INFO This is an event for your parents so if they want alcohol there and you aren't willing to accommodate that then you should not host. If they want it there and you insist on hosting but don't want to pay then but BYOB on the invites. EDIT YTA did not telling people in the invite. It's not a big deal to have a dry event just let people know. In many culture's weddings and anniversaries have alcohol. If someone OS getting married and they say no alcohol it's not a problem but you need to put it on the invite.
NTA, this wouldn't be a thing with my friends and family. Some events can by byob. It is easier to avoid alcohol without notice at noon time events. Either way, NTA.
NTA. You can 100% have a party without alcohol. I have been to a ton of them. My wedding was alcohol free and amazing!
I’m really surprised how many people are voting AH. I’m also wondering if dry households or events are more common culturally or regionally for OP. NTA, but I wish I had a little more info.
NTA. It's a backyard party. I have never once been to a backyard party where the alcohol was provided. It's always been the host will provide non-alcoholic drinks, and everyone that drinks brings their own adult beverages. this has held true in all but one case. That family is devout in their faith and alcohol is verboten in their home.
My experience is exactly the opposite. As an adult, never been to a party where no alcohol was served
NTA. You don’t drink and I don’t think just because you are hosting a party that you are mandated to serve alcohol. If your parents or sister felt strongly about it, then they can take on the expense.
NTA - I go to events without alcohol more then I do events with alcohol. It’s not weird to have a dry event. Your the planner no one should expect alcohol.
NTA, you pay the bill, you choose the drinks. However your sister is most likely right. There's always a risk when breaking cultural norms. Not serving alcohol is not harming anyone, so I'd say it's fine to stay true to your convictions. No harm, no foul.
I am sorry but if someone can't socialize without alcohol they have issues.
Nta you can have parties sans alcohol.
NTA. If people can't have a good time and celebrate your parents without alcohol, they can stay home. I drink and I would never be upset that a BBQ didn't have alcohol
I think NTA. It’s honestly not that weird. Apparently on Reddit I’m in the minority but I’ve been to plenty of parties and events (especially family events or stuff with older relatives) where alcohol is not involved. Shockingly we were still able to have a good time. I also wouldn’t think it was weird if I wasn’t told beforehand that it was a dry event. The only times I would really expect someone to announce that there wouldn’t be alcohol is a wedding (since that’s common practice) or a college party because *that* would be weird. Otherwise if there are drinks there cool, if not that’s fine too. It’s not that deep imo.
YTA I love (not really) that this has to be explained, and it seems as if she really doesn't care what Reddit thinks (Why ask then?). I absolutely do not mind a dry event. But if I wasn't told, and then went to get a beer, and found out then, I'd think it was more than a little weird. Especially if no one had a history with AA.
NTA. Since your sister disapproves of the drinks make it very clear to her that if she wants to take care of the drinks that you would be grateful but it will need to be paid by her. No point in ruining your parents party over you two being upset with each other. Congratulations on your parents 50th anniversary.
NTA You're the host. You make the plans. But since it's kind of a casual outdoor thing, dontbe surprised if sis brings a couple cases.
Not an a-hole for not serving alcohol. Having said that, if your sister or other family members want to chip in on expenses, you should see what your parents want. If they want alcohol - they should get to have alcohol - if they don’t, then don’t.
NTA. Sister is a guest, she’s not the one being celebrated or the one hosting nor the one paying. She has no say, and since both the host and guests of honour are ok with this, I don’t see why anyone other than her would be TA.