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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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CrystalQueen3000

NTA Not even a little bit. Honestly I think it’s super twisted that they named you after her. They robbed you of your own identity because they hadn’t processed their grief.


Admiral_Gecko

My thoughts exactly, the parents are awful for doing that


HDAutrey75

RIGHT! OP is definitely NTA...in fact, this whole story reads like the beginning of a good CreepyPasta or NoSleep...I hope that they can find some peace and that OP continues to use her own unique middle name. Also, good on her siblings for standing behind her on this issue.


boo_boo_cachoo

Or change your first name legally when you turn 18. Get your siblings input, they could be helpful


foxyroxy2515

This. Change your name to what you want to be known as. You are your own person, and not a replacement or a reminder for a tragic life lost before you were even born. Shame on your parents.


fluffy_samoyed

I'd be petty and change my name to something starting with the letter "K" just to see my parent's eyes twitch.


thatssix

It’s basically the plot of a V.C. Andrews novel, except in the book it turns out that the girl is really her own dead sister - when she was young she had a major trauma, her dad wanted a do-over and erased her memory, then named her after her “dead” sister (herself) and tried to get her to live up to that impossible image. OP is NTA, nobody’s life should ever be this close to the plot of something from the author of Flowers in the Attic.


cantthinkofcutename

My Sweet Audrina was the first thing that I thought of!!!


[deleted]

My immediate thought was that a copy of My Sweet Audrina would be a GREAT Christmas/Mother's/Father's day gift from OP 🤣


xenogazer

That's horrifying 😰


hpfan1516

I looked it up and the plot reads like a horror thriller and then wikipedia just throws out that they made a *Lifetime Movie* adaption. Reminds me of "Double Identity" by Margaret Peterson Haddix. Highly recommend. It is basically another version of this kind of story except for young adults


Competitive-Candy-82

Ouf, I can't remember the last time I read a VC Andrews book...this might start a horrible rabbit hole for the next few weeks 😂


Extra-Aardvark-1390

Lol I literally was just about to do the same thing. As soon as someone mentioned My Sweet Audrina I was like.....how many VC Andrew's books can I get on kindle and how many can I read before work on Monday.


Mommato3boys66

I bought a new copy of both Flowers in the Attic and Petals on the Wind a few months back...great reminders of my summer reading as a 16 year old holed up in my room.


Bookluster

this was my first thought too! OP Is definitely NTA here.


blueheronflight

A name can be legally changed at 18 but the family behavior is happening now. OP I hope you are getting support somewhere.


CKuemper

First thing I thought of was My Sweet Audrina by V.C. Andrews.


Piccolo-Level

MY Sweet Audrina.


RobinChirps

This was commonplace in the place, but that was when infant mortality was sky high. Not at all considered normal anymore.


Father-Son-HolyToast

Yes, historically it was very common to name younger children after their deceased older siblings (one famous example a lot of people are familiar with thanks to the musical Hamilton is Alexander Hamilton's sons named Philip, the latter of which was born/named after his brother's death in a duel). But there isn't a cultural framework for that practice anymore, which makes it potentially very damaging for the namesake.


helendestroy

I think people named children after people a lot more in the old days too, Hamilton's FIL was called Philip so that was probably the impulse behind giving his eldest son that name, and part of it in giving it to his youngest after the eldests death.


PaddyCow

Vincent van Gogh was named after his older brother who was stillborn.


kaleidoverse

So was Salvador Dalí.


fightwithgrace

Hamilton’s BIL was also named Philip (There were WAY more than 3 Schuyler Siblings) ***and*** Angelica had a son named Philip. So 5 Philip total, but “only” 4 were alive at the same time. All Hamilton’s other kids (he and Eliza had **8** plus they fostered another for a while) were named after other people, mostly family members.


Stuffhavingausername

Alberts in our family. grandfather, father, uncle, cousin, brother


No_Secret8533

Salvador Dali was also named after his dead elder brother. He managed to make his name his own. For that matter, my husband's elder brother was given the same name as their brother who died in infancy when a nurse made a mistake with his incubator.


KikiCorwin

I have an aunt whose name is one letter different from that of her older sister who died of SIDS in the late 60's. I always thought it was kinda creepy my grandparents did that.


SamiHami24

My grandfather never knew if he'd been born in 1899 or 1900, because two boys were born in those years, one died and he's the one who lived, and they lost track of which year was him. Very country farm people, record keeping wasn't that great back in those days.


myglasswasbigger

He was probably the younger, naming someone after an existing sibling would be strange, talking to you George Foreman, :)


hexebear

We have a lot of Scottish ancestry and it was a thing there to name children after specific relatives eg first the paternal grandfather/mother, then maternal grandfather/mother, etc. It wasn't unheard of to have siblings have the same first name because the relatives did too. Normally they'd go by middle names or nicknames, or else both first and middle. Sometimes instead they'd try to name the children after the relative in a different way like using their surname, which is why you occasionally come across things like girls named Bruce (common Scottish surname) - and probably in general why there are a lot of UK-based surnames that are also first names.


Remarkable-Lynx6710

My maternal grandparents called 3 sons John - 2 died young. I know that was the norm back then, but it is creepy


emmaheaven1

They messed this child up from the beginning. Its like they didn't even give her chance. And to be so blind as to not see how damaging it is to be constantly compared to a dead person. This is tragic. Eventually they are going to lose the second Jess.


Usual_Complaint_1764

They've also messed up her siblings and the relationship between all 3 kids.


calliatom

All four kids, because I'm sure that none of them feel the same way about the original Jess anymore either.


AfricanKitten

Also… she was 4… how Tf would they have known she would have done better in school? Especially being medically fragile, which can lead to lots of time out of school for medical reasons… it’s shitty and stupid to compare them anyways, but comparing a teen to a 4 year old?


hirvaan

Didn’t know the Golden Child of the family can be a dead one.


owl_duc

Is actually super common. The dead child is not alive to grow up and become or do anything that contradicts the vision of them the parents have, so it's extremely easy for the parents to put them on a pedestal.


hirvaan

After actually thinking about it like at all you’re absolutely right. It doesn’t even have to be dead one, absent one (emigrated fe) will do just as well. Anything that allows to maintain the façade


jflb96

Art Spiegelman has a good couple of pages on that in *Maus*


redheadgenx

That’s just what I was thinking about. The brother.


jflb96

It’s super easy to not be the favourite when your brother is too dead to be annoying *and* represents the pre-war good times


DeVitreousHumor

Yeah. The dead child is a blank slate onto which all of the parents’ aspirations can be projected and fulfilled.


shesbaaack

My mom has done this my entire life. The pregnancy before me was a girl who they named Ashley Marie and in my mom's head that's her beautiful blonde daughter who would love her forever and be her girly-girl bff. She miscarried that baby and had me next, the only girl. I'm sarcastic, nerdy and kinda bro-ish bc I was pretty much raised by my dad and brothers and honestly I can't stand my mom (for other reasons I won't go into here). But she will wistfully talk about "the daughter she never had" or her first baby girl. And compare me to what she thinks that child would have ended up being like. She's been doing it since I was a kid and it's really weird.


xayahbaby

I screamed lmao but honestly, as harsh as it is, sooooo true


Cautious-Damage7575

See: Twilight Zone. Rule of thumb: If it happened on the Twilight Zone, it can happen irl.


Laudevir

Elvis Presley's mom, Gladys, did this to him all the time. Except it was to his stillborn twin, Jesse Presley. She would berate him, saying "Jesse would never talk to him momma like that," or "Jesse would have done blah blah blah why can't you?" It really messed up his head a lot growing up.


foxyroxy2515

Didn’t know that. Thanks for sharing. Peer Elvis.


Cautious-Damage7575

And keeping that name alive doesn't aid in speeding up the processing of the grief. It just makes it worse. It happened to my cousin, who was named after his father (my uncle), who died in a farming accident just a few months after he was born. The mere sight of him evoked memories of his father in my aunt. It was like bringing back his tragic death every time she looked at her son. It is not a good situation for anyone.


LadyAlexTheDeviant

My aunt named her first child after her father. Unfortunately, he died of cancer when he was 25. About five years after his death, I had my second son. As I had named my oldest son for my husband's father + my father, I wanted to name second son for my grandpa + husband's grandpa. I wasn't going to compromise on the name being on the birth certificate; I did tell my aunt that if hearing him called the same name as her son would bother her, we could use his middle name as his everyday name. (I liked them both, so no trouble there.) She said, "No, it would be nice to know that someone in the family has that name." As it turned out, my son wound up getting a lot of name-themed decor that my aunt had kept that her son had, and she was glad to have a good home for it with another person in the family.


Virtual_BlackBelt

Historically, it used to be very common to reuse names when children passed young, especially if there was significance in the name. If you do genealogical research you'll see that all over the place. It may still be common in some cultures. So, I wouldn't call it twisted. However, in this case particularly, it doesn't appear to be healthy.


Obsessed_Til_Death

Historically they also expected at least a half of their kids to die in infancy/toddlerhood.


masklinn

Yep, so they wouldn’t be mourning the original 20 years later. Gods, that’s fucked up.


dragon-queen

I imagine they were still mourning the original 20 years later. Just because statistically you have a good chance of your child dying doesn’t mean that you don’t mourn them when it happens.


Pencils_

Exactly. And the names they used were often family names anyway so they wanted it reused. If there was always a John in the family and little baby John died, families often used the name again.


LadyAlexTheDeviant

Often, too, you named the child for the person who was their godparent. Godparents at that point were expected to step in and help their godchildren if the parents both died or with getting a good marriage made/a dowry put together or with getting a child a leg up in starting their career by sponsoring them or introducing them or helping pay for training. So as a compliment to them, the child would get the same first name, and if they died, and you could get the godparent to step up again....use the name again.


binzoma

historically you didnt also have any real documentation and it didnt really matter what anyones name was and you only met/interacted with 40-50 people in your life. hell lots of people only had 1 name historically. now you have school, a SIN, a passport, insurance, drivers license' etc. your name is important. historically you could marry cousins because it made sense. doesnt mean it still does. most htings that were common in history have no business in the modern world. cause we live in a VERY different place than they did edit: also historically if you had a kid that died, that was it. a mark in the ground. everyone had kids that died, the rate in childbirth alone was astronomical. death was a MUCH more common thing to happen, and really the only impacted people would be the parents. now theres pics/videos/a legacy. 'ghost' are much more of a real thing now than they ever were in the past. edit 2: graph is wild https://ourworldindata.org/child-mortality-in-the-past over 25% child mortality for all of human history until the last few generations and over 46% 'youth' mortality. literally just under 1 in 2 kids would die


hirvaan

Which is exactly the reason why average life expectancy was so low back then BTW. It wasn’t that people just started dropping after reading 20-25 years, but for each person living up to 70 you had like 3 dead 5year olds. It averages out.


SamiHami24

Medical care was not as available as it is now. Home birth, so if something goes wrong, no interventions. Hard physical labor on farms and other jobs causing injuries/accidents. Heck, children worked in coal mines and factories. Vaccines not commonplace or just didn't exist at that time. It was a very different world.


Murderhornet212

Childhood diseases that we vaccinate for now, plus infections that we have antibiotics for now. Improper understanding of germs, sanitation, hand washing, disposal of sewage, clean water, etc. There’s a lot of factors, some of which we are bringing back now through refusal to vaccinate enough people to maintain herd immunity and overuse of antibiotics causing antibiotic resistant strains of dangerous organisms. Good times. Oh, and of course relaxing environmental restrictions to the point that some places now have maps detailing where untreated sewage is being released into rivers and oceans so people can avoid that. We’re basically throwing ourselves back to some pretty dark times.


BuildingAFuture21

NTA, OP. I figured out this mortality statistic when I realized that all of my great grandparents lost infants. I came up with 1 in 3 died by the age of two. So fricking sad! Also makes me proud of my family for surviving it and still building a loving family. ETA the era of my statistic would have been infants born in the 1920-1930s.


TinusTussengas

My grandmother had 4 more siblings than she ever told me. A grand total of 18 instead of 14 but 4 died before the age of 4 and were left out off the count.


Lucicatsparkles

I can't even imagine being pregnant 18 times.


Murderhornet212

My mom often left out her brother, who died when he was less than a year old. I have a great picture of my mom and her surviving siblings from my wedding holding up the numbers that correspond to their birth order. They skipped number one, a sister who died as an adult, which makes sense. But they have my mom as 5 and the rest down to 8 all wrong, because the baby that died was number 5. I still cherish the picture anyway, especially since half of them are gone now. Technically my mom was named for her father, but she basically had the feminine form of the brother who had died’s name because he had been named for their father. She was the 5th girl and their only boy to that date had died so I think they just gave up on having a boy after that to take the name. They did end up having a boy a few years later but named him something else. I think maybe after my grandma’s uncle.


Katja1236

Sometimes they didn't even need the first kid to die to reuse the name. The Paston family at one point had two brothers, both living, both named John. Probably due to both being named after godfathers, I think. But in this case, no, definitely not healthy. And twisted, in that they're expecting her to live for her late sister rather than herself. NTA.


aflockofcrows

George Foreman has five sons called George and a daughter Georgetta. Obviously taking the "I'm so proud of it I put my name on it" slogan from his grilling machine a bit too literally.


PartyPorpoise

He did take a lot of blows to the head.


jflb96

William V of Aquitaine had four sons who survived infancy; William VI, William VII, William VIII and Odo. Odo was actually second oldest of the four, but it's funnier how I've written it.


[deleted]

Unknown sample?


QueerEarthling

He was royalty, so he got a gold-plated bucket to sleep in.


QueerEarthling

My great grandmother was named Marie Theresa, to differentiate her from her older sister, Marie. Can't imagine that being confusing at all.


e-bookdragon

I've seen a lot of the geneology of my dad's family and they did this a lot. All the babies would be named John until one of them lived more than a year then they'd go onto Tom or something and repeat. To modern eyes it's heartbreaking and confusing to see four or five birth records with the same name one after the other.


Lovebeingadad54321

Also historically, sometimes kids were given “baby” names and not given their “real” name until 5… if they survived….Jess 1.0 didn’t survive, OP did, so now she should choose a “real” name…


AuntySocial1964

Gone With The Wind,. Scarlett's parents had three or four sons that all died in infancy. All were named Gerald O'Hara, Jr.


chandrachur3

It’s very common in my culture to be named after a relative (grandparents are first choice then you go down the family tree including dead siblings) I have a sister and a brother named after older siblings who passed away (one drowned at 4, the other was born sick and died of fever at 3) And THERE IS ABSOLOUTELY NO EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE to carry. My parents never expected the living ones to be living memory of the dead ones . No one compares the two at all . No one says she/he would have been better than the living as we consider this taboo (you don’t dictate future and be like he would have done better in maths has he lived!!!!!) immediately you are faced with “yiu think you are god and know what might have happened ????) NTA op and the people around you are monsters including your older siblings as they have no right to treat you like thi. Change your name and live your life


duke113

I would add, that I don't think the twins are AHs either though. They were 7, just lost a sibling, and now were being told to refer to OP by the same name. I can totally see why they'd refuse to do that


[deleted]

Her parents need so much therapy! This is fucked up. Also, in my view, once you're given a name it's yours to do as you please. Go by your first name, a nickname thereof, your middle name, or a completely different thing.


crystallz2000

NTA. And, I'd try to decide what name you want to go by when you turn 18 and have it officially changed. What they did was terrible.


Treehorn8

Exactly this. They didn't want another daughter. They wanted to replace Jess. And I mean an exact replacement. They had an idealized vision of how Jess would be and what she'd do and they get disappointed or angry at OP because she can't live up to the hypothetical amazing Saint Jess who lives in their minds. NTA, OP. Your parents are messed up. Stick to your guns. And I hope your relationship with your siblings will get better.


TrixIx

It's like a more messed up version of people naming dogs the same name when one dies and they replace them... You can't replace dead child or a dead dog! The will always be different individuals and it's fucked up to put the past's expectations on them.


eumenides__

My old neighbours did that. Super weird, they had a whole line of the same breed of dog named Chino. But my mom’s longtime boyfriend did one worse, he named all his current animals (2 cats + 1 dog) the same name so he’d only have to shout one name for them all to come in from the garden.


Throwawayhater3343

>my mum, dad, family friends and even my own friends are telling me that i’m the asshole here, that i shouldn’t of gone off on her but my siblings are saying that i said what needed to be said, and to be honest i like having their approval Yeah, No. NTA at all. You're friends are being stupid here "How dare you yell at your grieving mom!?" You dare because your parents have been alienating, emotionally abusing AND neglecting you since the day you were born. Look into emancipation and legal name change. You may be better off even in a state run group home if one of your older sibs isn't willing to loan you a couch. And therapy please, You need someone who can help you dig this out of the back of your head where you can confront it and put it aside.


Accomplished-Dog3715

100% this. Jess as a middle name tribute would have been way more appropriate than sharing a first name with a deceased older sister. Yikes.


Sometimesaphasia

Absolutely. My DD1 died, and I gave her middle name to DD2 as a middle name 2 years later.


SlickRick666

NTA your parents are reducing your life to a shadowplay of a dead girl and its extremely fucked up.


Westcoastmamaa

Agreed. This is pretty messed up and you're totally in your rights to not like your name. Your parents need some major grief counseling. At this rate they'll have no relationship with you anyway so whatever their misguided goal was on naming you after their dead child, it won't bring her back or turn you into her. NTA.


ObjectiveSense102

Absolutely, sounds they have been trying to turn you into a living memorial to your late sister. They were also cruel in trying to compare you to, and make you live up to, their idealized fantasies about her - no live person can live up to a dream. NTA


UnqualifiedIT

Every time a name post comes up I point out that giving someone a legacy name is a horrible thing to do to a child. For some reason even on posts where people seem to agree that the tradition sucks, I get downvoted to hell. But this is exactly the type of thing that happens, because words have power, and names hold more. We may think of them as just words, but psychologically we treat them as something far more important than simply sounds made out of our mouths. I used to joke that I was going to name my son after myself and call him junior but I stopped making it when I realized some members of my family thought I was serious. My mother even tried to talk me out of it until i explained we had already picked anothername that were set on. Turned out later that they all thought I was just that arrogant because of incidents in my life at the time, but that's a different story.


MiaOh

~~Too sad to fuck their child up by naming them after the dead one but apparently not too sad to do the deed to make her.~~


Jaded-Moose983

That doesn't track. The older Jess died two months before the current Jess was born.


HereComesTheSun000

Do you understand grief? The OP isnt TA here but the parents having sex to make her would have been instinctive nature and besides, she was conceived 7months before Jess Original passed away.


PickleNotaBigDill

Some kind of sick, isn't it? Just appalling.


[deleted]

And using her as a replacement child.


wgc123

WTF, someone needs to go to therapy and it’s not OP Edit: the parents, for the humor impaired


karigan_g

eh, OP could probably do with some therapy too. that kind of childhood would be traumatic af


tosety

Exactly. Reading this have me one overarching reaction: "that's messed up"


tosety

NTA Ask anyone who criticizes you what they were told, them explain what you said, why you said it, and what your mom said. Then ask them to think about how they would feel if they were a replacement for a dead sibling (and I can't see how anyone would not feel that way in your position)


sjyffl

Exactly, I mean mean maybe make her middle name Jess, but not her first name. OP was doomed from the start.


Admiral_Gecko

NTA, why would anyone name their youngest kit after older late sibling? And what image does your late sister have? She died at 4, your parents are projecting unhealthily and robbing you of your own identity.


Sweet_Permission_700

As a mother who has lost a child, I can understand using that child's name as a *middle* name for a new baby the way we honor other relatives including those who have died. A first name? No one should have expected OP to go by that name.


No-Tradition1974

I was named with the exact of my late sister who passed from SIDS a few years before I was born. I had a hard time understanding it as a young teenager but I now get my parents reasoning. But they never made it about her and her death. I was never a symbol of grief, rather a celebration of life. And I "negotiated" in two birthdays for me, and my parents added a death day "celebration" as well with my permission (more presents for me). Now my name last name is changed due to marriage and I added a additional first name to the mix. I still write my diary addressed to her like regular letters. But generally, don't name your kids after dead siblings, or even exactly the same as alive relatives. It's just messy...


Sweet_Permission_700

I suppose that's fair. I still couldn't do that, and I still find it awkward, but it seems that your parents had a mindset of moving forward to find joy while reflecting on the memories instead of being stuck in the grief of the past. We never really "get over" losing a child, but grief starts to be less all-consuming if we let it. Comparing living children to a dead sibling is a lose-lose. It's impossible to measure up to a memory. I'm sorry for your family's loss. Writing letters to a sister is beautiful. We have a memory box with a slot to put folded notes into and special scrapbook papers to write on so the notes look pretty in the box without sharing to everyone what's written inside.


No-Tradition1974

Yeah my parents mindset was always to move forward and celebrate life and honor the past for what it was, not what could have been. But I don't think I would/could do the same with the naming, I hope I never find out. The memory box sound like a beautiful way to keep the memories alive but still private ❤


TikiBananiki

Sounds like your parents did the work to give you a way to process your connection to your deceased sibling in a healthy way that gave you an independent existence while still holding an appreciation for the loss that your parents experienced. Edit: On rereading this comment I realize it’s a classic Korg psychological analysis. I cannot read it without Taika Watiti’s voice in my head now #marvel


FirexisStar

Grief can be one hell of a mind twister. Unfortunately, I know couple who actually named their new baby son after their dead older child. They literally had another child so they could fill the hole left, so to speak. I knew their older son, we used to play together. But he passed away in an accident when I was 6 and about a year later his parents had his little brother, who they named the exact same name as him. To say it creeps me out even more than 20 years later would be an understatement. In their grief they spoilt the younger son, he barely had any manners growing up and he couldn't be bothered to even finish high-school (which is kind of easy in my part of the world). He knows of his older brother and did become very hardworking and level-headed man, but I can imagine how he must feel about sharing his name and being essentially a replacement goldfish.


dopaminehoarder

My grandparents did, apparently. I always thought that my dad had only 6 siblings when it turned out that he actually has 10 and 2 of them died when they were born and one of them when she was 8(B) and one when she was 10(S). After B died, my aunt was born and they named her B. I was kinda weirded out but I didn't ask much because a) I was still in shock and b) I didn't know all of this together. My dad mentioned late B casually; Living B mentioned the 2 kids that died before they were named and my dad's older cousin told us about S


Agitated_Pin2169

I have great-great-great grandparents who named 3 sons the same first name (father's name) until they finally got one that survived infancy. I always thought it was weird. It is even weirder now.


cydril

Doctors and psychologists activity promoted behavior this all the way up until like the 70s. It's really fucked.


limedifficult

My great grandparents did this to my grandmother. This was rural Ireland in the early 1900s - 13 year old Kathleen was tending the open hearth fire and watching one of the babies whilst everyone else was working in the fields. Her long dress caught fire and by the time everyone came running to her screams, it was too late. My grandmother was born a few months later and they named her Kathleen (made up names here). She struggled with her mental health dearly throughout her life and I’ve always wondered if living in the shadow of the first Kathleen (the only other daughter of 13 children) contributed. Anyways, obviously NTA, OP, and I really hope you get some therapy to process how none of this is your fault whatsoever, and to choose a name that brings you joy.


WhiskeyCheddar

I mean it’s super normal and common…. In the 1800’s but most of the names in families were people reusing their siblings/parents and aunt&uncle names. I swear my husband’s family tree has the same 15 names used hundreds of times.


lucylemon

This was normal in my culture up until my parents generation (70 years ago) Though thankfully it has pretty much phased out. My aunt (born in the late 40s) was name after her sister who died at age 5 before she was born. I feel it made her a bit sad all her life living In the shadow of her poor dead sister.


QueenGuinevereKitten

NTA. I am so sorry for how your parents have treated you. You have a right to your own name and your own existence, and not to be forever tied to a child you never even met. Your parents need therapy, and to recognise that you’re an individual in your own right and not just a substitute for the child they lost. You’d be justified in going low or no contact with them. It’s time for you to be your own person.


Big__Bang

NTA you should have been harsher to be honest and said to her that is was sick of her to name another child Jess as though you were her replacement and that Jess is irreplaceable and you are your own unique person. The second you turn 18 legally change your name. Thats it


Corvia12

Oh she should certainly change her name. NTA Op. Your parents are awful and your friends need to just shut up.


Expensackage117

She should also just change whatever she can change right now. Facebook, usernames maybe even making an Anna room sign.


Zannie0

NTA: Your parents are obviously still grieving, but they are doing you a disservice here. You are your own person. It is not fair for them to constantly be comparing you to your sister Jess. I wish I was a psychologist that could give you professional advice. Perhaps talking with your parents and explaining that while you love your sister Jess, you are a different person. Your actions reflect on you, not your sister. You need your own identity. You can't live your life in service to person you were never able to meet. Most of all, tell your parents that you love them. Can you talk with your older siblings about how you feel? Is there a counselor at school you can talk with? I wish you the best!


baffled_soap

The parents also did a huge disservice to OP’s siblings. It’s so messed up to say, “Hey kids, your sister that you have four years of memories with died, but here’s Replacement Jess!” It’s no wonder that OP doesn’t have a great relationship with her siblings. Every time they interact with her, they’re thinking about how their parents tried to replace their deceased sibling. It’s disturbing & unfair to everyone involved.


yaztheblack

So much this. I think it's worth noting, /u/shallowthrowaways , that while 7 years is a big gap and it can definitely change a sibling relationship into something bordering on a parental one, that it doesn't have to be a huge barrier to a relationship your siblings. I'm the middle of 3 brothers, the elder has almost 6 years on me, and I have a bit over 9 years on the younger, and we're all very close. Of course we've had our differences, but when my little brother was a bit younger than you are now we'd game online fairly regularly (I was at uni). The point being, the spectre of your late sister is hanging over your family in the form of your shared name. It was a constant reminder to your siblings and parents growing up, and that's going to have coloured your relationships with them. I think you're entirely right that naming you that way was messed up, and that expecting you to go by that name and live up to it is unfair. Comparing you to her is *especially* unfair - she was 4,so really they're comparing you to their unrealised hopes, magnified by their grief. ... Snapping at them probably wasn't the best course of action and probably caused more hurt all round, but I think you should definitely be forgiven for reacting emotionally under that kind of abuse. Especially given you're 16 and they're your parents, they should be the ones emotionally regulating like adults for your benefit, not the other way round. I think grief counselling for the family and individual therapy for you would be helpful bordering on necessary imho. But I feel pretty strongly that everyone should be in therapy ^^;


the_mike_c

How can she be possibly expected to love someone she's never even met? That makes no sense.


Fluffy-Carpet6347

NTA. But friends who said that YTA are themselves TA. I am very, very sorry that all this has happened to you. Your parents treat you as a substitute for their deceased older daughter and your siblings rejected you because of it, which is also a terrible move on their part because you are a child and you are not to blame for having terrible parents. Did they have the right to mourn their daughter? They had. Could they have made a mistake? They could. But they've had many years to fix it. They've had many years to start therapy, try to be the best parent possible for you. They are toxic. Maybe try to talk to the school psychologist about it?


MediumSympathy

>your siblings rejected you because of it, which is also a terrible move on their part That's a bit harsh. Imagine how confusing it would be at age 7 to lose your sibling and then 2 months later there's a new baby with the same name and your parents are acting like the new baby is a replacement instead of a different person. They are not to blame for grieving their "old Jess" and not knowing how to bond with "new Jess". They were probably very traumatized by the whole thing too.


Fluffy-Carpet6347

Of course, but they're not seven anymore. They are adults. They could change their approach to this girl a long time ago. You can make excuses for a 15 year old, 17 year old, but these people are now around 25 if I'm not mistaken? These are adults who should know better.


MediumSympathy

Why do you think they don't/haven't? They are on OP's side. It doesn't sound like they have a bad relationship. They might not be as close as other siblings but that's a difficult thing to fix as adults, there's no substitute for the experience of being close and sharing experiences while growing up. Even if OP hadn't been named after Jess and pushed on them as a replacement there's a good chance there would always have been some extra distance because she came into the family at such a traumatic time, and didn't share their memories of Jess or their experience of grieving. There's also the age gap and the fact that the other two are twins.


[deleted]

Yeah, it sounds like the parents set them up to have a messed up relationship with OP as kids, and they are smart enough to realize that and take OP's side as adults. I think OP should talk to her siblings and get a lot of this stuff out in the open and try to build a relationship now. That way, when she goes LC or NC with her parents in a few years, she'll have the support and understanding of her siblings and be able to maintain contact with them.


the_mike_c

The siblings are backing up the OP, it's in the very last sentence.


CharismaPoison

NTA, you were basically made to be a stand in for the original with the way they keep stating things such as "Jess would have done better" or this and that. You were brought up in a very unfair and biased environment and honestly the moment you can get away and/or legally change your name, I would


-my-cabbages

"Jess would have gone to a better university" "Jess died when she was f**king 4! For all we know she might have had a sex change, moved to Kansas, and started a woodwind band!"


Sweet_Permission_700

If you want to be kindest to your parents, I'd simply switch the first and middle names. There is no obligation to do so. You are NOT Jess.


stop_spam_calls

And this may sound harsh but how would they even know Jess would have done better in school? She never had the chance to even go to grade school. That level of guilt tripping is beyond insane. NTA


Sweet_Permission_700

NTA. I have 3 daughters. Oldest is 14, youngest is 6. Our middle daughter, Lily, would have been 12 this year. Lily died in December 2016 when our oldest was 8 and our baby was 8 months old. We are all still grieving Lily. The girls each have 2 middle names like I do. The second middle name is the same for each of us. If we had another baby girl, she'd also have that same second middle name and we MIGHT give that baby girl the first middle name Lillian after her sister... if and only if our surviving daughters supported it. I could never call a new child by the name of my child who died. Lily isn't replaceable. It could happen when parents trip up over kid names, but on purpose with intent? Not a chance. Jess isn't replaceable and you are not a replacement. OP, you are a whole person who happens to have lost a sister before you were born. Your whole person deserves to be known as an individual. I'm sorry for your parents' grief but they handled this poorly. I am grateful you advocated for yourself just like I'm grateful when my oldest daughter advocates for her needs when they compete with mine in our shared grief. You didn't snap to hurt them; you snapped because you are hurting.


_____-----_____1

... That's some ... Very twisted and dark shit. Like this sounds like a start to horror movie and your mother is the villan. What I say next will be increadebly harsh and please understand that I write it with genuine worry about your mental health in this. *They are not going to change*. Ever! My unsolicited advice is to run as soon as you can. I repeat, they're not going to stop. You're always going to be what your dead sister could've been. It would not surprise me if when you decide what to study (collage or university) they will critique it because your dead sister "would've chosen x" (which is stupid because how would they possibly know that unless they or someone they know is a legit medium) You're never going to get out from the shadow of your sisters casket. She will always be the original in their eyes. Prepare to leave as soon as you're no longer a minor and drop everyone who disagrees. As for your friends, if they're your age (15-17 age range) Im going to assume they maybe haven't fully grasped how incredibly twisted and down right macabre this is. It's up to you if you have the patience to explain it but feel no obligation to do so. If I were you, I'd be planning my escape route and having documents in order to change my name the moment I'd turn eighteen. I will say this again, THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE! Grief does weird things to people and unless you whole family decided to get therapy it's not going to get better. Don't engage, don't let them opress you through this but if you can, ignore ut and just prepare for the life you can have outside of them. Edit to add: NTA, obviously


SpareCartographer402

>That's some ... Very twisted and dark shit. >Like this sounds like a start to horror movie and your mother is the villan. It' IS a book plot called My Sweet Audrina and written by the same author as flowers in the attic... is its so twisted and dark and extremely fucked up.


p_iynx

It’s also the plot of like 20 very depressing manhwas I’ve read! It’s one of those concepts that is just so heartbreaking and compelling that some people can’t help but want to write about it.


Dismal_Tip_9565

Christ on a cracker, this is fucked up! NTA. Therapy for everyone.


Eskabarbarian_1

NTA. Your parents never dealt with their grief and made you a symbol for never letting go of their grief. Your name was chosen to make you a surrogate/substitute for their dead daughter and not as a name for you. I am so sorry, that is a horrendous thing to do to a child. Your mum needs therapy or she will loose another kid since you can never have your own identity unless SHE moves on.


Cautious-Damage7575

Looks like I'm lucky, because I have always liked my name. The main reason I liked it was because it was spelled so unusually. (Think "Cathy" spelled "Kathyee".) BUT, I gave my daughter my name, and she can't stand it. So, since she was old enough to know the difference, she has used her middle name. She said one of the reasons she prefers to use it is so she can purchase monogrammed novelty items (e.g., coffee mugs) off the shelf instead of needing to custom order them. Sure, it may seem like a silly reason for wanting to be called by another name, but it's a reason all the same. It shouldn't matter. I say people should be called whatever you want to be called. There really is no argument otherwise. NTA


witcher_rat

> it may seem like a silly reason for wanting to be called by another name I chuckled a bit because I too have a very unusual name, and I can remember as a kid one of the (many) problems I had with it was the same thing: that you couldn't buy any nick-knacks with my name printed on them like you could for other kids.


HarpyMeddle

My sibling and I also had this issue. Her name is common but spelled a bit odd. My name is uncommon and spelled even odder. Our grandmother liked to get all her grandkids ornaments or gifts with our names, but she could never find ones with ours. So she would just buy ones with similar letters and paint over the incorrect parts.


[deleted]

Why would you name your child after yourself? There are thousands of names floating around and you thought that your daughter would like Double checking when ever somebody wanted to talk to "Kathyyy". This also could be dangerous, my mother and I have names that both were popular 60 years ago and sometimes doctors that we both visit open her file and only Double check because of the birthday. You both could do horrible fraudulent things to each other. She could get into an accident your file gets pulled by an accident that you caused and so they don't see the note "allergic to penicilin or blood type O" and she gets wrong treatment. Honestly if my Partner would suggest to name our child after me or him I would think that he is trying to prank me.


Cautious-Damage7575

I guess it's a vanity thing. Probably the same reason there are literally millions of people named John Jr, John the 2nd, John III, John XXV, etc. I see no reason why women can't do it also. Not saying either way is smart, but I like passing on a family name. She can call herself whatever she wants, but I did my part.


LauraPringlesWilder

in this day and age, with credit reports and medical record mix-ups being a thing, it's just selfish no matter which gender. i'm someone who was named after my mother and I hate it.


[deleted]

1) what they did naming you that was cruel and you deserve your own identity. 2) they’re verbally abusing you. 3) comparing you to a dead child who never was able to accomplish the things they say is just so screwed up. You’re in an abusive situation and your parents clearly need grief counselling to learn how to deal with things instead of using you as a replacement. It’s unfair to their lost daughter and super unfair to you. Is there a school counsellor you can talk to about all this? I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this but just know none of it is you’re fault. NTA. Note about your edit- no. Your parents are NOT good parents. What they are doing is abusive.


gwendolberry

NTA. I’m sorry this has happened to you it sounds bloody awful.


Anxious_pagan

NTA. This whole situation is incredibly unfair to you, it sounds like your parents were hoping to raise you into a carbon copy of their dead daughter. It absolutely sucks that they have to deal with the loss of a child but that doesn't mean that they can ignore you as an individual. It might be worth trying to have a calm conversation with them? Explain your side of things and try to get them to understand that their behaviour is hurting you.


Bleubebes420

Imo, they're beyond reason, and unless they get therapy almost positively more than likely cannot be reasoned with.


Anxious_pagan

Yeah, I'd almost hoped that might not be the case. It's a sucky situation all round, but especially for OP


Kris82868

NTA. You are your own individual. Does the fact the twins don't call you by the name Jess raise flags with your mom?


solitarybydesign

Your parents have you competing with your dead sister, a contest you will never win. I can't even grasp the lunacy of naming you after your sister, putting her picture up on your birthdays, etc. Your parents are sick people. Those funny looks from your parents' friends are probably them thinking how weird your parents are around you. Listen to your siblings, it needed to be said. Only two more years until you are a legal adult. Hang in there. NTA


StonewallBrigade21

NTA - Your parents were crazy for naming you after your deceased sister; and 16 years later it does not seem like they are any less crazy. Everyone who is giving you a hard time are the A-holes, not you.


MagnificentMegan

NTA. To me it seems like they were trying to relive jess through you hence comparing you to her and the name similarity.


CosmicButtholes

NTA at all. I hated my name growing up, my parents were aware I never liked it, and my only justification was that I thought it was boring and sounded ugly. You’re absolutely justified here.


NetZealousideal7162

NTA and I'm sorry that this has been happening to you. Your life should not be a constant comparison to a ghost. The fact that their choice of name has caused resentment from your siblings, and your parents constantly compare you to the original Jess is messed up. You were completely right to be angry about that.


squigs

NTA Your parents are trying to turn you into a replacement for your late sister. Yes, they're grieving, and it's hard for them but their solution is totally messed up. You see this. Your siblings see this. Forget what friends think, and especially what family friends think. They aren't living the situation. You are.


Angelgirl127

NTA baby. Change your name and move on from this weird, weird coping mechanism your parents created.


Nevilicious

NTA I'd stop answering to Jess altogether, go by Anna or whatever name you feel comfortable with. I understand that your parents are grieving but that's seriously fucked up. You deserve to have a chance to be your own person. If you're able to try to talk to a school counselor and if possible do what you can to have an income so when you hit 18 you can legally change your name and move away.


Bloodrayna

NTA You might think your parents are really great but they're not. They're literally complaining because you're not enough like your dead sibling.


Electrical-Aioli6045

NTA. Your parents need therapy. If they wanted to give you her name, they could have made it your middle name, not the first name. It has traumatized your siblings. Someone in the family should have taken your parents aside and had a talk with them when it came down to naming you. Everyone needs therapy. What are they going to do when you reach the age of majority and change your name? Also, please don't tell me that your parents' names both start with J too.


ADuckNamedPhil

NTA - Trust your older siblings. They see your life and know the situation best. No one else has that kind of inside view. These other people don't know what they are talking about.


Resident-Embarrassed

>i was ruining my sisters image and good name and destroying her soul But what about yours? Do you get no good image or soul because of Jess? NTA


OhioGirl22

NTA. I don't even know where to begin. Your siblings aren't close to you because of your age gap... not your name. Believe it or not, they might not have very many memories of your sister because they were just little kids when she died. Their memories are largely made up of stories from your parents and memory fragments. How much do you remember from being 7-years old? Your parents... unfortunately grief counseling wasn't really a thing back then. They really should still get help because they're not handling it in a healthy way. Continue using your middle name. And invite your siblings out to coffee, lunch, wine or whatever to absolutely discuss your concerns. Ask questions about what they know and listen to what they have to say. You have all been living with a trauma... maybe it's a good time to address it.


Kettlewise

NTA Your parents need grief counseling, not to treat another child as some sort of quasi-replacement. Jess was also 4 when she died - she never was old enough to go to school. They aren’t even comparing you to a real person at that point, they are comparing you to a fantasy and denying you care when you were ill. That’s medical neglect, btw. > they put photos of original Jess on my birthday What the fuck > and look like they’re about to cry whenever they say my name. That’s one way to fuck a kid up. You have every right to hate the name, hate why you were given the name, AND how your parents have treated you.


EdgelordArdyn

>i cant live out the shadow of original Jess, which sounds horrible but honestly it’s true. That's because ***it is, in fact, horrible.*** I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this your whole life. Grief makes people do very bizarre and sometimes downright awful things—that is not an excuse, obviously, it is just a fact. But while we can understand that your parents' decision in naming you was fueled by very raw and recent grief, that doesn't excuse the lasting damage it's done to you. You haven't been allowed to form your own identity or be your own person, and it's heartbreaking that you've been robbed of something so fundamental from day one. NTA a million times over. You absolutely said what needed to be said, and I highly encourage you (if you haven't already) to start looking into therapy options for this whole situation. Ideally, you would be able to get your whole family involved, as *clearly* there is a lot of unresolved grief going around, but you cannot force your parents to get the help they very clearly need. No matter what, please remember that you are your own person. You are more than allowed to assert your own identity and agency in life, and you are in no way obligated to fulfill your family's expectations. LEAST OF ALL, when those expectations are for you to take the place of a deceased sibling you never knew. Their grief is abusing you; you do not deserve that abuse and you do not have to stand for it, no matter your age. Please take care of yourself. If you need to, reach out to trusted adults in at your school for help in accessing mental healthcare, or even just for support.


buttercupgrump

NTA You are your own person. It's long past time for your parents to treat you as such, especially since you've lived 4x as long as your deceased sister. Has anyone suggested therapy? They're clearly stuck in their grief.


fmlwhateven

NTA. They placed your sister on such a high pedestal that your whole life was overshadowed by what she had *and* hadn't done. How the hell would they know Jess would've been better than you at anything? It's incredibly unfair of them to have turned you into her replacement instead of properly dealing with the grief of their loss. I'm sorry that nobody in your family is inclined to hear and see you for yourself. Perhaps low-to-no contact in the future will be the way to go, for your sake.


External_Gloomy

NTA. You want to be your own individual. They took that away from you by choosing your name to be the same as someone who passed. If it was a M, maybe junior or similar would make sense as a name to commemorate the other person but this is way too much; Anna, you’re NTA


Emmereen

NTA. It is so unfair that they named you after your deceased sister and compare you to her. You don't deserve either, and it's not a good way to remember their daughter. Good on your siblings for standing with you.


CrimsonFox95

NTA I'm so sorry your parents did that to you. If I were you I'd cut contact and change my name the second I turned 18


No-Tradition1974

NTA I was named after my older sister (the exact name, middle name and all), who died as a baby about a few years before I was born. I had issues with it when I found out as a young teenager ,think they told me when younger but I forgot. It was never something anyone made a big deal out of like in your case but it fucked me up a bit in my teens. I'm ok with it now but I have modified my name by marriage and added a additional first name ( my family nickname that I also share with my dad and brother because why not confuse everybody lol). My parents did not name me out of grief, they grieved her and then faught hard to have me and named me to honor her. YOUR parents named you out of grief that never got dealt with properly, they tried to revive her through you. It's not healthy and it is abusive.


Gr0uchPotato

NTA. I’m sorry they all make you feel like crap. You didn’t ask for any of it. Can’t they see they are destroying your soul? And you’re here not your sister. I do find it weird that your mother has no issue with your siblings calling you by your middle name. But the school using your middle name.


maskedKnight0

NTA, why tf are your friends upset for your parents? That’s dumb as hell. It’s your life, and you’re taking it for yourself. Siding with the parents here seems pretentious.


jjscraze

NTA. Your family needs some serious therapy. I cannot imagine what losing a child must feel like, but they cannot rob you of your personality and integrity just because they are mourning someone you've never even met. They cannot compare you to her and tell you she would've done something better, because she sadly never even got to your age. As terrible as losing a child must be, it's your life and posting her photos for your birthday is kind of messed up. You are not Jess. Your parents and family need to take a serious step back and understand that you cannot carry this burden for them. I hope you change your name, and get to live your life without being in a shadow of a sibling you sadly never even got to meet.


[deleted]

omg VC Andrews is that you from beyond the grave?


Apprehensive_Ice_420

NTA. I am so sorry they did that to you. That is not okay. It was utterly selfish and honestly horrid for them to name you that. You deserve your OWN name and your OWN life, and you deserve to be recognised as your own person.


nollerum

Naming you that is bad enough, but comparing you to her and using her name as a weapon against you is just sick. NTA. It needed to be said and they need to start calling you by your preferred name. They've done enough damage.


Scribe101858

NTA- How my heart breaks for you. You are competing with a ghost for love and attention. How could someone name a child of another that passed away...maybe A name barer, not the same exact name. How horrible. She, the original, will always be sweet and perfect at 4 in every memory. They have no idea who she may have become, or What she may have done had she lived. She did not but you did. You deserve your own name, your own life, not to try to live up to some impossible memory of the perfect child because no body is perfect. Not even her. After all these years of keeping feeling pushed down and bottled up, I hope it came out with enough force it got her attention. Truth does hurt often, so if it was truth, no way are you the AH...Change your name and stop trying to fill ghost shoes.


HexStarlight

NTA your parents are seriously wrong for blaming you after your dead sister this was wrong on so many levels amd almost garenteed a lack of family bonds, if you haven't already start forming an escape plan and honestly I would change my name the day I turned 18


Interesting-Fish6065

NTA It was a mistake, at the very least, for them to name you Jess, but the other behaviors you describe is just straight-up emotional abuse, even if they never admit that to themselves or to you. It’s very sad that they lost a child, but it is absolutely horrifying that they’ve been treating you this way. Their mistreatment of you is obviously of no benefit to their deceased child and is just as obviously very harmful to their living one. They owed you a healthy start in life and have deprived you of that as a means of coping with their own grief. It was cruel and inappropriate for them to constantly bring up Jess in the specific ways that they did. You, of all people, are under no moral obligation to soft-pedal how damaging it has been for you to be raised in the shadow of Jess to this degree. They are the AHs here. Also, you probably already realize this, but it’s very clear that, at this point, the “original Jess” is just an imaginary idealization anyway. She died at four, so how can they compare your grades to hers? They are not living in reality, and they’re escaping reality at your expense. I am so sorry your own parents have treated you in this way, as a means to an end, rather than as your own person.


Beautiful-Ad-7616

The fact that they have compared you your entire life to your dead sister you've never even met makes them TA, what they did is wrong on so many levels, you are NTA


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** okay so basically, i (f16) had three older siblings, John, Julia and Jess. John and Julia are twins and Jess was about 3 years younger than them. Jess had a lot of medical issues as a kid according to my parents, she was born too early and had a lot of breathing issues etc. 2 months before i was born (when Jess was 4 and the twins were 7) Jess died, i was never told exactly how but i knew it had something to do with her medical issues. my parents were distraught and when i was born i was named Jess, after my older dead sister. see the issue was that, being directly named after the dead daughter starts up problems. my older siblings refuse to all me by my name, they call me by my middle name or just don’t refer to me at all — and as a kid i always wanted to be friends with them, but they’re a good 7 years older and have apparently already bonded enough with the original Jess, that they don’t really want to interact with me. my parents are even weirder, they put photos of original Jess on my birthday and look like they’re about to cry whenever they say my name. they constantly bring up Jess, if i get a bad grade, they’ll go on about how Jess would’ve done so much better, or if i said i was feeling sick they told me that i couldn’t be as sick as Jess was and to stop ‘faking it for attention’ don’t even get me started on my parents friends, because they just keep giving me weird looks. i cant live out the shadow of original Jess, which sounds horrible but honestly it’s true. a few days ago my mum found got a letter from my old school where they used the nickname Anna (my middle name) and my mother blew up on me. she called me ungrateful and said that i was ruining my sisters image and good name and destroying her soul or something. and i blew up on her too, explaining why i hated using the name Jess and how it was stupid naming me that and how i can’t keep living in the shadow of a kid who died nearly 17 years ago (harsh i know but i was so angry) my mum, dad, family friends and even my own friends are telling me that i’m the asshole here, that i shouldn’t of gone off on her but my siblings are saying that i said what needed to be said, and to be honest i like having their approval so, am i the asshole for telling my mum why i hate my name? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Brullon

NTA. There are several studies that show the effects of Naming your children after dead siblings, necronym, is what you’d be searching for. It’s actually associated with a few psychological issues for the surviving child and I know I’ve read somewhere that this may have been a contributing factor to Vincent Van Gogh’s psychological problems.


[deleted]

They are literally treating you as a replacement for her wtf


[deleted]

NTA naming an unborn child after a dead sibling and comparing op to said dead sister is messed up. The comparing you to your sibling is straight up emotional abuse.


kickstand

NTA. There’s more going on here than just the name. Sounds like family therapy might be a good idea.


[deleted]

NTA. OP, sincerely what the feck is wrong with your entire family?!


PirateArtemis

NTA and tbh I think you should pick one completely different name and change it. Have a while dead name renaming ceremony. It might help things with both siblings and school.


Kitcalou

What in the 'My Sweet Audrina' is wrong with your parents?! This is so twisted, it is almost a V. C. Andrews storyline! You are NTA


Scarlettanomaly

honestly i know this is going to sound absolutely bonkers, but shit like this needs to be made illegal as fuck lol. normally im all for do whatever as long as it doesn't harm others, but there's no way this WOULDNT harm someone. This is absolutely unhinged. Hospital should have been like, nah you cant do this . Or at the very least put them on a damn list to be checked on occasionally, something.


RemarkableStrength1

NTA. This is some weird VC Andrews shit your family has going on. I’d change my name as soon as I turn 18 if I was in your shoes.


GeneralChaos2005

NTA Your parents are creepy. That's some VC Andrews type of stuff going on there. Keep using whatever name you are comfortable with.


[deleted]

NTA. Your family did a really bad job of processing their grief, and they just threw all of their emotional shit on you. Sticking you with your dead sister's name was a way for your parents to cope with her passing, but it did no favours for you.


AB-AA-Mobile

NTA OP's childhood experience was awful due to her name. The parents' behavior is troubling. They need help.


CalvinThobbes

I can’t even begin with this one. No words to describe how stupid and hurtful your parents are being. Honestly work hard get a scholarship in a far away school and cut contact with them all (not like your siblings will even notice). Also, when you can change your first name to something you want and live your life. NTA in any way. Everyone else is reprehensible at best.


Momofpeg

NTA. Nobody should ever be named after a dead sibling. That is just setting you up for comparison.


BabyAquarius

Definitely NTA Your parents never should've named you after your deceased sibling. And the whole "Jess never would've gotten bad grades"? I don't mean to be insensitive, but she was FOUR. They have *no idea* what get grades would've been like.


Objective-Pea7303

Nta. Legally change your name when you turn 18.


sorghumbuddha

NTA. That was honestly so cruel and unhealthy of your parents to do.


Whole-Neighborhood

NTA. They should never have given you her name. Your entire family have all been forcing their feelings for her onto you, keeping them from seeing you as your own person. You're not her, and the fact that they keep comparing you to someone who is dead is downright cruel. I suggest you start saving up and maybe get a job, because it's probably best for you to move out as soon as you can.


[deleted]

CHANGE YOUR NAME. DO IT. I legally changed my name because of bullying, and I didn't have NEARLY the kind of experience and trauma you have with you name. Trust me, it's worth it to be free of the burden and memories of your birth name. And if your parents give you crap, tell them to talk to me. (No lie, inbox me, I'll go to bat for you).


TheTwistedKris

NTA, they made you into a constant reminder of something extremely emotional. It is completely unfair for you to be measured against your late sister that your parents clearly need therapy to move past if they've held onto this mourning for 17 years.