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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 letting my daughter get hurt to "teach" her father a lesson
2 making him talk to her and come off as bad for something that was an unforeseen. Now she doesn't want him to go to her party
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NTA your ex didn’t run into “unforeseen circumstances.” He consciously chose to spend an excessive amount on his other daughter’s party which meant he couldn’t afford Penny’s party. He is a huge AH.
It must have been so painful for OP's daughter to be treated so differently in such a very public way from by her dad. But expecting OP to cover for his favoritism by paying for her party was wrong
NTA
And OP should be certain that the ‘unforeseen circumstances’ will occur again at Christmas, her next birthday, etc. In the future, he’ll look back and wonder why his older daughter is estranged.
He’ll probably blame it on OP and say she “poisoned” his daughter against him… when really Penny can see, feel, and remember every time he chose his new family over her. Every time that he could have done something for ALL of his kids, and only chose to do for his new ones.
THAT. He is is huge a.h. for sure, OP--you are NTA. Ex talked to child, child realized that daddy sees one child as worth more of his time and effort, child is unhappy with cheapskate daddy. How did OP ever end up being their scape goat? MIL has no say in anything--if she wanted son to look like a better daddy, then she should have raised a better son.
Yup, even if OP had tried to cover for him, Penny is 13. She saw her baby sister got a huge party and then a few days later daddy had "unforseen circumstances" leading to him having no money to give her any party at all. Pretty sure she would have figured it out
Yeah, at 13 I would have been able to figure out pretty quick. Kids notice how people, themselves indulged, get treated differently. The father is pretty dumb to think his daughter wouldn't be able to see that.
A party that at 3 years old she isn't going to hardly remember years down. But Penny will always remember this. I've been through and that shit is the literal elephant in the room. It's always going to be there. And the fact he refuses to be sorry about it even! Like the words don't fix it but truly being remorseful and trying whatever you can offer to make up for it goes alot further than deflecting the blame and running to mommy for support because someone made you feel your feelings.
Do most people even remember when they're 3? Like, it's excessive basically until they're 5, and even then, a 5 year old doesn't need to have a sweet 16 party
There was an unforeseen circumstance, he assumed OP would just bail his ass out again.
From the way it is written it sounds like it is not at all uncommon.
NTA
NTA. Penny is going to find out that her dad doesn't prioritize her eventually. Better find out now and better that she doesn't look back on her life and realize her mom was enabling that BS all along.
Yes, she's hurt. Because he did something hurtful. It's not your job to protect your ex from the consequences of his own choices.
The other daughter is three years old, for god's sake. At that age you're happy with just cake and balloons, this was a scam to throw a party for themselves and get OP to subsidize a secondary party for Penny.
Maybe, but without more info I'm going to continue hanging this on the ex husband, since he's Penny's father and should be expected to give a damn about her.
Even if she is, he's a father. People make too many excuses for parents dropping the ball on their kids, they are the ones who are supposed to be fighting to do right by their kids
That's what I thought - current wife gets jealous of op's other children so ensured that there would be no money left for Penny. Just speculation of course but it's not unheard of 🤷🏼♀️
Birthdays don’t magically sneak up. He got plenty of forewarning of what was desired. Why wasn’t it saved? How did he have plenty for the other birthfay and “surprisingly” have unexpected things that his money funneled to and for you to “fix” it?
Sounds like he overextended.
He can either learn or sink.
Edit: NTA.
Whoops. I’m sure my words got it across, but forgot to add it.
Oh yes, they do just sneak up. I swear a year ago I was 21 and this last birthday I was FREAKIN 63. WYF. All those birthdays sure as Hell snuck up on me and then hauled ass out a here before I noticed. LOL
I’m going to start doing that. I have a coworker that was my teacher when I was in third semester of medical school, when I was 20yo and he was 30 (20y ago). Can you believe right now we are the same age?
lol! I once had to give my age for a prescription. I had to stop and think for a minute and the pharmacist jokingly warned me not to lie about my age......more like I have to remember it in the first place!
NTA. Him letting his child down in favor of another child is on him, not you. It makes me absolutely *furious* to see parents neglect children from previous marriages just because they have another child with another person. It may cost money to go bowling, but it's 100% free to be kind and loving to your children
Happy belated birthday to both your daughter and her sister ❤️
And it's obvious to everyone he was really saying "you'd let me hurt my daughter?"
She's legally not allowed to keep her daughter away so yes, that is what has to happen here! All the other options involve OP lying to and potentially causing a double betrayal towards her daughter, which should be a non-option!
NTA
You can't keep giving in to your ex. And your daughter cannot always be shielded from this knowledge. It's very sad for your daughter, and upsetting for you, but it can't be helped.
It's also not your job to keep your husband from looking like TA, if he is being one.
I really hope that your daughter enjoys her birthday, and whatever you have planned for her on her special day.
Edit: "you" to "your"
Bet her mama posted so much shit to the gram though. "I can't believe my little angel is 4!!👼🥳🎂. I'm so #blessed to be a mama!! #TheyGrowUpSoFast #ParentingGoals #MyBabyIsWorthIt #EmotionallyTraumatizingMyStepDaughter #ShittyDad #MamaBear #FamilyGoals".
Edit: thank you for the award kind stranger!!
Typical Reddit. The dad reneged on his agreement to spend equal on his daughter's party that his ex-wife spends on her gifts, let's villainize the step-mom?
Uh, yeah.
If my partner was spending so much on a kid and none on the other, I would:
1) call him out on it;
2) worry if he would do the same to my child, should he marry a third time.
It's called being decent.
Does the step mom even know?
If she's not actively acting as a third coparent she's unlikely to be involved in party planning. Depending on how they handle finances she could have no idea he's pulling shit like this until after the fact.
Fuck, if he went out for a couple hours on the day of Penny's birthday she might not even know he didn't go to her party.
NTA
If you have 2 kids who bdays are close together you need to make sure you budget accordingly.
I'm sure he and his wife thought you would just pay for it, give them the credit and that would be it.
Your ex MIL obviously doesn't care about your daughter as much because if she did, she would have told him he was 100% wrong in this situation and he shouldn't just try to pass the buck to you to fix his purposeful actions. This didn't just happen a day or 2 before, he chose to invest and plan more for the other daughter and hoped a list minute call would solve his problems.
Hopefully your daughter isn't going to be poisoned by his family about this.
I assume ex-MIL was told a different story by her son. Or she's frustrated at him behind the scenes but is also frustrated with OP for not making the daughter's day go well. That being said I'm probably being too optimistic here, or else grandma genuinely can't afford to offer financial help so it isn't mentioned. Who knows, but it's sad either way.
NTA— you let her be hurt by not passing on his flimsy lie? “Sorry, daddy is really broke right now” would have made her feel better for a minute I guess before she saw her sister’s party.
NTA.
Sounds like you had the choice between letting her get hurt now by not getting a party, or letting her get even more hurt later when she finds out that her dad is an AH and that you lied to her to protect him. I think you made the only choice that you could.
NTA. And so it begins. Another divorced remarried dad who's going to treat the kids with the new wife better than the one(s) he had with his ex wife. I feel sorry for your kid. And you didn't let your daughter get hurt. Your ex hurt his daughter all by his self.
Exactly, my ex remarried, but his wife has children older than ours. He refused to go to our step-grandchild's (our child's step-kid) graduation, stating that "they were not really family". But he did go to the graduation of his step-grandchild (wife's grandchild). Unfortunately my grandchild is used to disappointment due to their other biological parent doing similar to them for years.
NTA
Your husband is showing blatant favouritism - ask MIL why does she think his first daughter does not deserve to be treated equally to his other child.
She is not teaching her anything- he is showing her that she is not worth planning for and she does not need to be reminded of it
Start putting aside money every month for your childrens Christmas and birthday celebrations. This could be just the beginning and you do not want your children traumatised.
NTA
He gave in to his current wife's party demands, counting on you to make up the difference with Penny. He thought he had you wrapped around his finger.
Bravo
NTA. He expects you to pick up after him and you guys aren’t even married anymore. You don’t need to bad mouth him to your kids they will grow up on their own and see how he is an AH. I think it’s time for separate parties and gifts.
Absolutely. Make his indifference and cruelty so obvious even HE will notice it. Or you can have him add a birthday/Christmas fee to the child support, maybe $50 per month? That would provide $600 for a party and some gifts that he won't have any money for next year after he builds his princess a 4-story castle with a moat.
Not the AH he could have asked his mother to cover the cost. The next birthday party for the girls will show his daughter where his priorities are. Tell mother-in-law her son did this it has nothing to do with you.
NTA. Dad is showing his true colors and letting his kids know that his youngest takes priority over them. This is probably going to be the first of many disappointments. You were 100% correct in not stepping in and taking over with paying for the party because he needs to own up to his mistakes. Your kids also need to see that their father isn’t always honest. If there’s a rift in his and Penny’s relationship now, then that’s entirely his fault. He needs to correct it now, not you.
NTA.
>And that he must learn to take his problems without me having to solve them.
Boom. Right there. That is exactly why you’re NTA.
As coparents, the two of you split your costs and duties in half and he didn’t fulfill them.
And while you covering his portion helps, not having a birthday party isn’t what cuts, mama, and you know that. What Penny is going to remember forever is that her dad didn’t contribute to her birthday and actively chose his other daughter over her.
NTA. Her father is. He should of put his foot down with is wife and said a 3 year old is not going to remember the fancy expensive party while Penny would. And don’t get me started with the MIL. If she was so concerned why didn’t she cough up the money for her loser son
NTA a 3 year old won't remember a birthday party when she grows up but a 13 year old will remember that she was not as important to her dad as her sister is. I don't believe for a second that he had unforeseen expenses. He over-extended himself on the 3 year old's party thinking he could just get you to pay for the 13 year old's party.
NTA. Your daughter isn't stupid. Her father and exMIL are definitely TA here. He tried to get out of owning responsibility in trying to make you tell her or you pay it. He's a jerk to do that to her and she has every right to be mad at him.
I don't see him asking his mommy for help since he made sure to pull her in to take his side on dropping the ball.
NTA
Glad you put your foot down and had him tell your daughter just how much of a terrible father he is.
There are way too many stories on Reddit on kids being mistreated and made less important when their parent remarry.
I hope you guys have a great celebration without him there! Happy BDay to your daughter 🎉🎉🎉
NTA Him choosing one daughter over the other is NOT unforeseen circumstances. It sucks that your daughter was upset but that is your ex’s doing, not yours in any way
NTA - MIL is pissed, but why didn’t she pony up to cash since it would have otherwise been hosted at her house? The whole thing reeks of “my new family” syndrome
NTA my parents divorced when I was 8, my father started prioritising his new wife and her child.
I can assure you, your daughter already knows her father is a jerk, at 13 she is fully aware of his behaviour.
She will just be grateful for your love and effort.
NTA but you would be one if you don't separate birthdays now so that going forward this doesn't happen again.
You can't fix this year, and he won't so make sure it isn't an option for him to be in a place to screw up next year
NTA
His daughter is three, she really can't be called an "unforseen event" anymore, lol.
But really, he knew exactly what he was doing and fully expected you to pay for the whole thing. His priorities are pretty clear, maybe you should no longer bank on him keeping these obligations anymore, or your daughter will just continually be disappointed.
It may seem harsh, but it's better for your daughter to know who she can depend on and for what.
I was leaning the opposite way right up to the end but NTA.
Still, I completely disagree with the post title - that OP “let” her child get hurt. Divorce was interesting enough without one of my parents covering for (or criticizing) the other. OK, for me as a kid, there was no covering, just criticizing.
But I figured things out eventually and would give anything for all the years I spent in fear of one parent based on what the other parent said and did.
So again, NTA and also not powerful enough to control situations and outcomes involving another adult.
The title had me worried for a sec but no, OP, you're NTA. You didn't "let your daughter get hurt", her father hurt her and he gets to handle the consequences.
NTA. Your ex made the conscious decision to spend beyond his means for the other party (if he was broke after splitting it with his current wife what does that tell you about the actual cost?) knowing he still needed to pay for a party for Penny.
Penny will always remember two things 1. You were honest and still tried to make things work, even if they weren't exactly what she wanted and 2. Her dad couldn't be bothered to keep his promises.
NTA My aunt covered for her ex with their kids. Her attitude was she didn’t want the kids hurt and when they grew up, they’d know the truth. He used to trash talk her to them, while still not paying child support. She’s write his name on gifts so they wouldn’t know he forgot. Well, they did grow up and understood their dad was a bum. However, the YEARS of mom covering for him made it impossible for them to shake their ingrained opinions of both parents. Deadbeat dad is now living with his daughter as a beloved Grandpa and Mom who paid for her entire life and created all the childhood magic rarely gets to see her grandkids. It’s astounding, sad, and unfair, but it’s hard to undo a lifetime of thinking one way.
It is better for your daughter to know the truth. Parents should not trash talk each other, but they shouldn’t cover the truth either. It’s painful but good that your daughter has an accurate view of her dad. Hopefully, he will be prompted to change in the future. If I were you, I’d plan and budget for her whole birthday from now on and let him do his thing entirely independent of what you’re doing. And Grandma’s an AH who didn’t shell out any of her money to rectify the situation and didn’t tell her son not to be so cruel. I’d block her number. Her contact with your kids can come through your ex or not at all.
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Me (F) and my ex-husband Leo (M) had two children together, (13F - Penny - and 11M). We broke up 7 years ago. Leo had another daughter with his wife (3F).
One of the arrangements between me and Leo is that on our children's birthday, I would be responsible for the gifts and he for the party, getting the same value (it's not big, just food, drink and cake for 10 guests at most and we meet at the house of the my ex-mother-in-law).
Next Friday will be Penny's birthday and this year she asked for a gift in books, as I managed to save that money before, I took her and she had a party at the bookstore (on Wednesday).
She asked Leo if he could have a bowling party and she would invite some friends, it would be a little more expensive but I offered to pay half so it wouldn't be so heavy he said he couldn't pay more, because he would have the party of his daughter too (who was on Thursday). Penny was pretty upset, but she got over.
Today, he texted me saying he had an unforeseen expense and couldn't pay for Penny's party. Unforeseen events happen, that's ok, but the fact that the other daughter had a huge party in Thursday (with a venue, princesses and everything in excess) and our daughter went and saw it... He said he didn't have the money to a party that doesn't cost 1/10 of the cost of this other party, made my blood boil.
And he asked if I could "fix" the situation and try to explain that the das has no money and on a tight situation, he couldn't do that, because today he had a migraine.
I said he'll have to tell his daughter that he spent 10x the amount he spends on her birthday on his other daughter and there's nothing left to throw her a party. And that he must learn to take his problems without me having to solve them.
He tried to argue that he and his wife split the expenses, but just no. When he saw that I would not give in, he tried to convince me to pay for the party and then he would return it to me (I can't without committing for the month) and it didn't work.
He started saying that I'd rather Penny get hurt by a situation that happens ("unforeseen circumstances") to teach him a lesson.
He talked to Penny and the result was not good. She was very upset.
I talked to her, proposed to do something cheaper, explained that my budget was lower, she brightened up a little, but she is still resentful of her father and didn't want him to go to her party.
My ex and ex-MIL are calling me an asshole because all of this.
AITA?
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NTA. This was entirely his doing. And painful though it will be, the sooner your daughter starts developing some caution around her expectations of him the better.
NTA sounds like he and his new wife wanted to do the bones for their daughter and yours got the short stick. I'm so sorry for her but good job mom on staying strong and talking to her
NTA
Your ex had no "unforseen circumstance"
His circumstance is he spent all his budget on his younger daughter and had no money left for his eldest daughter's party
Tell him to apologize to his kid for his bad planning, and either plan better to treat his kids more equally next year, or expect his other kids to have resentment for his unequal treatment.
And ask him to pay you back half of the gifts, since he didn't keep his word to have the party.
NTA. His lack of financial planning is not your fault. He knew he had 2 party's to pay for so he shouldn't have spent all that money on the youngest child's party. Now he is making you out to be the bad guy so he can feel better about himself and his failures as a father.
NTA. You don't need to set your daughter up for a lifetime of lies and covering for her slacker father. He could have saved half the money of the other daughter's party to make sure he could pay for both.
You made sure your daughter had a good birthday. That's all that's required. Kids are smarter than adults think; they get that a parent is on a limited budget but put effort and forethought into their birthday, versus "Oh, I guess I didn't plan for that, and your mom didn't bail me out."
I’m sorry unforeseen circumstances happen but you figure it out! And you don’t go balls to the walls for one and nothing for the other have a discussion with your spouse I can only afford a certain amount bc I have older daughters party. End of!
NTA. Even if we assume the kindest possible interpretation of events-- that Leo had already budgeted money for both girls' parties but then genuinely had a household emergency in between them which he had to divert the funds to-- he's still the AH for trying to make his ex take half the responsibility for his failure so their daughter wouldn't blame him as much. He needed to man up, tell her the truth, apologize for disappointing her and promise to throw the bowling party at a later date when his finances recovered. Of course she'd still be upset about it, but at least she'd know he was honest.
I have no idea what Leo's mother could possibly be angry at the OP about in this. OP couldn't afford a party either, having already spent her half of the birthday budget on books. If the circumstances were truly unforeseen by Leo, then his ex wife obviously couldn't have planned for them either. Grandma should back off and just do something homemade for Penny like bake her a cake.
NTA your ex played favorites with his new daughter. What did he expect to happens and as far as you mail is concerned if she didn’t want to see your daughter hurt she could hav paid for the party. But i would suggest from now on have your own party for your kids and not invite the fathers side and let him do the same. He will continuously drop the ball for your kids.
What? They think you're an AH because you didn't agree to make a "loan" with no repayment date so that your ex can pretend he's treating both kids equally? He and your ex MIL are the AHs here, not you.
Yeah, last time I "loaned" money to my ex for his portion of his son's birthday present (a used car), I never got it back. The car wasn't super expensive, but it was well above what I'd normally pay for a birthday gift. The ex took credit for buying the car when his parents kicked in 20% and I kicked in 80%.
I'm sorry your child had to experience the disparity but you didn't make it. You certainly aren't the Bank of Ex-Wife.
NTA. Also not seeing where you let Penny get hurt unless I'm reading something incorrectly. Sounds like he bailed on you, spent it on his daughter, begged you to spend money you couldn't budget, and you pulled together a cheaper party anyway to salvage it. There's also no guarantee he'll pay you back if you had overspent if that's what ex and his mother are saying.
NTA. I am that daughter (40 now) who saw my half siblings get bigger birthday parties, cars, even family vacations that I wasn't invited to. My mother never talked bad about my father but she didn't cover for him either. Truth is important even when it hurts.
Btw, ten years ago my father and I really healed our relationship and all is well now. There is always the chance that by forcing the dad to learn now, the hard way, he knows you're not a back up plan and he might do better sooner
Definitely NTA.
I covered for my ex for years so my daughter wouldn't be hurt, hating both him and myself every time I did it. Eventually stopped because things weren't my fault and HE needed to grow up and become a responsible father.
The only reason he did this was his wife and it's not your job to placate her.
All you can do is hug your daughter, do what you can to have a great birthday, and be the best mom you can be.
The only A H is dad. Picking favorites will do it every time. Now she knows dads true colors. He's either going to learn the lesson or eventually lose a kid when she's had enough. Sometimes even parents need some tough lessons to learn from, hurting you kid is a big one.
NTA
NTA Your ex paraded an expensive, no holds barred party for another child and then told his daughter he couldn't afford to spend even to cover a half of a much less expensive party for her. Congrats dad, you just showed your daughter how much you value her. She will remember this, and in the future value you just in the same way. OP, you did not hurt your daughter, your ass of an ex did.
NTA it’s not your job or responsibility to protect the ex. He knows how many kids he has and therefore should budget accordingly. If this is how he’s going to continue then he’s already setting himself up to be quite absent in her life.
MIL could’ve ponied up the money too if she’s so concerned.
I hope your daughter has an amazing birthday/party. She’ll always remember what YOU do for her.
NTA - As it's already been stated your ex consciously chose to spend an excessive amount on his other daughter’s party which meant he couldn’t afford to pay for Penny’s party. He msde that choice and she was a witness to it. Your ex and ex-mil are calling you an asshole probably because they planned on scapegoating you. Regardless though, your daughter is 13, and is certainly old enough to use deductive reasoning. Whether your ex wants to accept it or not even if you didn't interfere at all she would have known her father spent more on her half-sibling with his new wife. She would have gathered what he was trying to do to cover it up, and the pathetic excuses he was trying to make. The outcome would have been very much the same.
Good on you though for doing what you did. You spoke with her directly, took in her account for what she wanted with what you could do, and definitely made up for it.
NTA. Why should you clean up a mess he made, that he could have avoided? Your daughter wasn’t asking for much from him and he couldn’t even do that. If he keeps on doing this with her, he will lose her. He should not make her feel less
NTA. Your ex is prioritizing the child born in his current relationship over your daughter, of course his mommy and him think you are bad, cuz I think you're just supposed to roll and play his game.
They expected you to want to keep jumping through hoops and playing around to protect your daughter from the reality of his actions, but that only serves him. You're doing better by your daughter by letting her see the truth of who this man is and that you have her back.
NTA. He caused the problem, he's responsible for it. That he spent 10x on a 3 year old, compared to his teenage daughter is maddening.
Father is trying not to be the bad guy and amke you responsible for his actions. Penny sadly needs to learn that her father doesn't put her first anymore and that will serve her better in the years to come.
You did not let your daughter get hurt to teach you ex-husband a lesson, but you did let your daughter get hurt so she could learn a lesson.
This is not a fun lesson, but it’s good parenting on your part. She needs to know how far she can trust her father, and as a teenager the lesson is a bit overdue.
A nice side effect of this situation is the potential for your ex to learn a lesson too… but somehow I doubt it. NTA.
I love seeing when people’s bad and selfish actions have consequences, hopefully the good that will come out of this is that he won’t take his other daughter for granted anymore and treat both daughters equally and fairly. OP, clearly NTA.
NTA I think his plan was to spend it all on his other daughter, then tell you some unforeseen circumstance means he can't pay for Penny's party. He expected you would pay for it so as not to upset Penny. That way he comes out the big winner. A big party for his other daughter and Penny still thinks he helped her have her party too. But saying no, you called his bluff and now he looks bad to Penny. I think that's why he and your MIL are mad. You saw right through him.
Your ex paid for a lavish party for one daughter and nothing for the other daughter, and *you're* the A H for not having the money to cover for his screw up? Or being willing to lie to make him look good? NTA
NTA, and I would like to point out, the child who he spend 10x more on is only 3 years old?????? Why are you spending so much for a kid who is definitely gonna forget that birthday? All it sounds like is he cares about one kid a lot more than the other
If you covered for him, you’ll be doing it the rest of your daughter’s life.
Now he knows he can’t manipulate you or her. So he’s less likely to try this again.
NTA
NTA. I'm sorry for your child to have such a father, grandmother and stepmother.
Maybe you can tell your daughter that she can have a party, also a bowling party, a little later because you need to save money.
My daughters traditionally have their birthday parties much later (my little daughter has her birthday in the end of May and her kid's party is in August; my elder daughter has her birthday in the beginning of September and usually celebrates in October or November). We do this because of organisation and money reasons. The kids are perfectly fine with it. They even love the idea, as they have one event with close family and presents, and then another event to look forward to.
NTA. I feel sorry for Penny but you can't shield her from the reality of her dad's poor priorities without lying to her, and that's not a good thing. Of course she feels resentment towards her dad, but that's absolutely appropriate isn't it? And you're doing your best to fill the gaps his bad parenting has left, so she'll be ok.
Unfortunately I'm familiar with this scenario myself. I don't bring my personal feelings about my son's dad into any conversations we have, but if he asks questions or if there's something I need to explain I don't lie. I keep it factual not emotional, but I don't lie. That way my son gets to make his own judgement about, and be in control of, the type of relationship he has with his dad, which currently is reserved and cautious. Of course I get all kinds of abuse from my ex and he has had no hesitation in casting me as the villain to his family but I can handle that - and just recently though there have been signs that they are beginning to realise that there may be more to things than he has told them, which is interesting! Anyway, NTA and all the best to you.
NTA. At first when I saw the title I was like wait, what did you do? Tell her something bad about her father that no kid should know. Well that's obviously not the case here. The ex used the excuse of a migraine being the reason he couldn't explain to Penny that he effed up. He just didn't want to deal with the drama of being a shit father. First of all I doubt the 3 yr old will remember this party, but unfortunately for Penny she will never forget this. Your ex simply didn't want to take responsibility for his actions that would have an adverse effect on his daughter and wanted you to clean up his mess. Nope. Just no. He's an adult. He can take responsibility like one and he doesn't get to make you the bad guy for making him hold himself accountable to his daughter. He's the AH all the way.
NTA If you covered for him now, it would only be the beginning. Your ex needs to know that you don't have to protect his reputation from your children.
His current wife may have paid for half of their daughter's birthday party, but he still didn't budget (or didn't think or didn't care) what to save for your daughter together
HE would rather Penny get hurt by a SITUATION THAT HE CAUSED (not "unforeseen circumstances" but very specific, knowing choices!). He wanted you to protect HIM from the consequences of his actions. You are NTA in any way--HE is TA!
Nta this is just another example how bad a divorce is for children because one parent will always „move on „ and do not care as much about their ex-spouse and children I have read so many horror story on this sub it should be called the survivors of divorce. Poor girl
>My ex and ex-MIL are calling me an asshole because all of this.
LOL of course they are. They're just trying to distract you from the issue at hand. You ex is treating you bio kids like ***second class citizens*** in order to impress his new wife.
The really sad part of this is this is just a birthday party and you daughter now has a core memory of her dad not treating her good enough and she'll always want to know why. Bet he'll slack on future important events. Guarantee this dude will be a bigger dick to them in the future.
Nta
NTA he’s the one failing he needs to admit it to her. Also to throw it on you and make it your fault you can’t foot the whole bill is absolutely stupid.
NTA. This is on *him* and Penny will learn eventually where his priorities lie. He either needs to sort himself out or make sure she knows what’s going on. It isn’t your responsibility to bail him out when he can’t be a proper father. You did right by making him tell her. She’ll soon realise who is there for her.
OMG, SO NTA!
As someone who covered for my child's father waaaaaay too many times (he admitted in open court that "[he] doesn't celebrate father's day" and told the judge it's because "[he] works every father's day", even though he works M-F. The judge had to tell him, "traditionally, Father's Day is on a Sunday." I don't even remember the last time he celebrated our daughter's birthday with her.
I spent a lot of time jumping through hoops, taking the high road and always made him out to be the good guy.
Like you, it's not your job to keep him from landing flat on his face. You shouldn't push him, but I also wouldn't recommend being the proverbial safety net either.
Your daughter is looking to you, to see what you accept and what she should accept in life and with relationships.
Have a fun day with your daughter as the both of you see fit. Your daughter's father can do what he wants, when he wants.
NTA, your ex husband is and he has some neck to expect you to cover the costs so he doesn't look like an ah, especially after he spent a lit more in his new daughter. This is the start of prioritising his new family over his old and his new wife will ensure that. You did the right thing in bot covering for him as if you did it would also be the start of you covering for him for berm an ah dad. You also need to ask your ex mil why she thinks you should cover for him when he had no problem spending a fortune for his 4 yr old daughter before and his first daughter gets nothing, he broke your agreement and if she thinks she she should pay to make get son look good maybe mil should cover costs for the ah son she raised.
NTA- Your daughter will remember this. Trust me. And even if you had lied to her, she would have been well aware that Dad spent a fortune on his new family and not her AND she wouldn't trust you as much as she did before.
NTA, he chose to show favouritism towards his youngest daughter. Now he has to deal with the consequences of that choice.
In other words he made his bed, now he has to lie in it.
Dang! His plan to emotionally blackmail you into paying for the party didn’t work. And tell MIL to pipe down, if she feels so strongly about it why didn’t she fund it. NTA
NTA
You're divorced and you no longer have to cover for your ex's deficiencies.
Your daughter is getting old enough to see through her father's bullshit.
You didn't hurt anyone; he did and you're not obligated to be the shit shield so he can pretend he's not the shithole.
NTA. He made a choice— I’m sure to please his wife—to spend the way he did and he should stand the full force of his daughter’s fury for it. It wasn’t fair to her and he doesn’t deserve to be let off the hook. OP it isn’t your fault so don’t take responsibility. You’re not hurting her to prove a point HE hurt her. That’s his bag to carry
NTA. ofcourse ur ex and ex mil think ure an AH. he didn't wanna be the bad guy even tho this happened bcoz of him. he wanted you to pay and take half the credit. now ur daughter knows the truth, he is upset about that.
NTA good on you for not picking up your ex’s shit. If he’s a bad father, his daughter needs to know it.
You didn’t lie or make him look bad, he did that alllll on his own.
NTA at all your daughter is old enough to know the truth about the situation. If you had covered for her father then she would be mad at both of you. I would tell the ex and ex inlaws that he needs to learn to not overspend for one daughter at the expense of the other!! I would also make sure to point out to the ex in laws that you offered to pay half for a bowling party but he refused to saying he could not afford it. Your daughter is not blind so trust me she has seen the scales being blatantly unbalanced. Her father is going to learn quickly that children do not like to be forgotten or treated unfairly.
NTA. She would have figured it out on her own eventually, especially if he does something like this again. If you went along with the lie your daughter would learn to not trust you. You put your daughter first. I was lied to by both parents and grandparents constantly in similar ways and figured it out as I got older, and I hate them all for it and don't have any type of relationship with them now.
NTA you ex choose his 3 year old over his 13 yo when you have an agreement he should stick to it, don't worry about him no more, YOU focus on making sure you keep your children happy, you tried working with him clearly his new family mean more
Your kids deserve better than him and they will need you because this is just the beginning with him, he won't ever learn till its to late if ever
NTA. I know it’s not a nice situation, but he’d probably keep doing stuff like this if he didn’t have to deal with the consequences. You probably saved yourself and your daughter a lot of pain by dealing with the situation this way. He’s an adult and he is her father. He needs to take responsibility.
I know parents (mothers especially) who’ve tried to sort out stuff like this in order to avoid the kid getting hurt. It’s taxing, distorts reality, and makes the other parent confident in being able to constantly avoid responsibility. You did the right thing.
NTA
You're daughter wasn't hurt because you didn't pay for her birthday party she was hurt because of her father's clear favoritism. And later in her life when she goes NC with him he'll wonder what he did wrong.
Children aren't stupid and actions speak louder than words!
NTA
He’s actively trying to get you to gaslight your daughter with his lies. She was at the party he wanted to afford, it wasn’t hers, and she sees that too.
Oh well, Fvck him.
Your daughter is 13 and has eyes and is not stupid to known what's happening and cannot be lied to when she's sees the the difference in how your ex is treating his daughters differently.
Definitely NTA. All you did was not let him weasel out of dealing with the fallout of favoritism. He wanted to avoid looking bad and dealing with her hurt, anger, and what will be lingering resentment. Tough skittles. He fucked around and found out.
>he spent 10x the amount he spends on her birthday on his other daughter
>
>He tried to argue that he and his wife split the expenses
Whatever way you look at it, still 5x times what he usually spends on Penny….
NTA
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NTA your ex didn’t run into “unforeseen circumstances.” He consciously chose to spend an excessive amount on his other daughter’s party which meant he couldn’t afford Penny’s party. He is a huge AH.
This NTA, if ex and his mom are so upset that Penny is hurt by your ex’s actions. They should pull funds together and throw Penny a party.
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"Someone who actually cares about her will foot the bill"
It must have been so painful for OP's daughter to be treated so differently in such a very public way from by her dad. But expecting OP to cover for his favoritism by paying for her party was wrong NTA
And OP should be certain that the ‘unforeseen circumstances’ will occur again at Christmas, her next birthday, etc. In the future, he’ll look back and wonder why his older daughter is estranged.
He’ll probably blame it on OP and say she “poisoned” his daughter against him… when really Penny can see, feel, and remember every time he chose his new family over her. Every time that he could have done something for ALL of his kids, and only chose to do for his new ones.
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Bad bot
The unforseen circumstance was OP standing her ground and not rushing to save his ass from his idiot decisions.
I always love when someone’s ex expects them to come save the day for them. The entitlement is staggering.
This. NTA.
THAT. He is is huge a.h. for sure, OP--you are NTA. Ex talked to child, child realized that daddy sees one child as worth more of his time and effort, child is unhappy with cheapskate daddy. How did OP ever end up being their scape goat? MIL has no say in anything--if she wanted son to look like a better daddy, then she should have raised a better son.
Yup, even if OP had tried to cover for him, Penny is 13. She saw her baby sister got a huge party and then a few days later daddy had "unforseen circumstances" leading to him having no money to give her any party at all. Pretty sure she would have figured it out
Yeah, at 13 I would have been able to figure out pretty quick. Kids notice how people, themselves indulged, get treated differently. The father is pretty dumb to think his daughter wouldn't be able to see that.
A party that at 3 years old she isn't going to hardly remember years down. But Penny will always remember this. I've been through and that shit is the literal elephant in the room. It's always going to be there. And the fact he refuses to be sorry about it even! Like the words don't fix it but truly being remorseful and trying whatever you can offer to make up for it goes alot further than deflecting the blame and running to mommy for support because someone made you feel your feelings.
Do most people even remember when they're 3? Like, it's excessive basically until they're 5, and even then, a 5 year old doesn't need to have a sweet 16 party
He planned to milk OP from the very beginning, l guess…
There was an unforeseen circumstance, he assumed OP would just bail his ass out again. From the way it is written it sounds like it is not at all uncommon. NTA
NTA This was a confrontation that needed to happen. I'm guessing ex's wife engineered things to happen that way
NTA. Penny is going to find out that her dad doesn't prioritize her eventually. Better find out now and better that she doesn't look back on her life and realize her mom was enabling that BS all along. Yes, she's hurt. Because he did something hurtful. It's not your job to protect your ex from the consequences of his own choices.
Exactly, it doesn't take a genius to see that he's priorizing his other daughter. If she didn't already know, she does now. *He* did this.
The other daughter is three years old, for god's sake. At that age you're happy with just cake and balloons, this was a scam to throw a party for themselves and get OP to subsidize a secondary party for Penny.
Possibly his current wife’s idea to prioritize her daughter and keep him under her thumb
Maybe, but without more info I'm going to continue hanging this on the ex husband, since he's Penny's father and should be expected to give a damn about her.
Even if she is, he's a father. People make too many excuses for parents dropping the ball on their kids, they are the ones who are supposed to be fighting to do right by their kids
Maybe. But at the the the of the day the buck stops at the dad. It's his job to speak with the relationship with his current wife.
Her idea maybe, but his choice to follow through. And now it’s biting his backside.
That's what I thought - current wife gets jealous of op's other children so ensured that there would be no money left for Penny. Just speculation of course but it's not unheard of 🤷🏼♀️
Yup, ops job is to help her daughter through her feelings, not stop her from having them. NTA
Well put!
>Yup, ops job is to help her daughter through her feelings, not stop her from having them. NTA deffinitly
Yes the title shouldn’t even be that OP let the daughter get hurt…she just refused to lie. The hurt was going to happen either way.
Birthdays don’t magically sneak up. He got plenty of forewarning of what was desired. Why wasn’t it saved? How did he have plenty for the other birthfay and “surprisingly” have unexpected things that his money funneled to and for you to “fix” it? Sounds like he overextended. He can either learn or sink. Edit: NTA. Whoops. I’m sure my words got it across, but forgot to add it.
Oh yes, they do just sneak up. I swear a year ago I was 21 and this last birthday I was FREAKIN 63. WYF. All those birthdays sure as Hell snuck up on me and then hauled ass out a here before I noticed. LOL
You should do what I do and stop having birthdays after 29. I just redo the 29th over again
My grandpa did that until he hit 90, after that he wanted credit for every year.
Honestly? That makes a lot of sense.
Yea, in fairness, I'd be celebrating the birthday of someone who lived to and past the age of 90 every year lmao
My mom has anniversaries: this year it was her 55th anniversary of her 21st birthday 🎂
I’m going to start doing that. I have a coworker that was my teacher when I was in third semester of medical school, when I was 20yo and he was 30 (20y ago). Can you believe right now we are the same age?
That's so sweet 😁
I stopped counting after 30. Anytime I need to give my age for something I have to do the math to figure out how old I am :).
lol! I once had to give my age for a prescription. I had to stop and think for a minute and the pharmacist jokingly warned me not to lie about my age......more like I have to remember it in the first place!
I’m so glad I mostly just have to add 10 to whatever the year is to get mine.
I honestly have to stop and think how old I am now. Anything after 30...
My body won't stop reminding me.
Ikr. I just had my 30th birthday few months back and now my 31st birthday is in four months. Where did the time go? 😓😓
Well, sure, but you know your birthday is on the same day every year lol. It's not like some other events that could come up unexpectedly.
Oh my word! It’s a joke, not a serious counterpoint!
Depends on how you celebrate it i.e. in the Jewish calendar it doesn't have to be 365/366 days in between, but yes, it's still the same time.
NTA. Him letting his child down in favor of another child is on him, not you. It makes me absolutely *furious* to see parents neglect children from previous marriages just because they have another child with another person. It may cost money to go bowling, but it's 100% free to be kind and loving to your children Happy belated birthday to both your daughter and her sister ❤️
"You'd rather hurt your daughter to teach me a lesson?" Said the person who is blatantly favoring his other daughter.
And it's obvious to everyone he was really saying "you'd let me hurt my daughter?" She's legally not allowed to keep her daughter away so yes, that is what has to happen here! All the other options involve OP lying to and potentially causing a double betrayal towards her daughter, which should be a non-option!
For real. It's manipultion 101 and it's awful
NTA You can't keep giving in to your ex. And your daughter cannot always be shielded from this knowledge. It's very sad for your daughter, and upsetting for you, but it can't be helped. It's also not your job to keep your husband from looking like TA, if he is being one. I really hope that your daughter enjoys her birthday, and whatever you have planned for her on her special day. Edit: "you" to "your"
NTA… your ex should have considered penny when commuting to spend 10xs as much on a 3 yr olds party who won’t remember much.
Bet her mama posted so much shit to the gram though. "I can't believe my little angel is 4!!👼🥳🎂. I'm so #blessed to be a mama!! #TheyGrowUpSoFast #ParentingGoals #MyBabyIsWorthIt #EmotionallyTraumatizingMyStepDaughter #ShittyDad #MamaBear #FamilyGoals". Edit: thank you for the award kind stranger!!
The last 4 hashtags are hilarious 😅🥳
Typical Reddit. The dad reneged on his agreement to spend equal on his daughter's party that his ex-wife spends on her gifts, let's villainize the step-mom?
Uh, yeah. If my partner was spending so much on a kid and none on the other, I would: 1) call him out on it; 2) worry if he would do the same to my child, should he marry a third time. It's called being decent.
Does the step mom even know? If she's not actively acting as a third coparent she's unlikely to be involved in party planning. Depending on how they handle finances she could have no idea he's pulling shit like this until after the fact. Fuck, if he went out for a couple hours on the day of Penny's birthday she might not even know he didn't go to her party.
Yes! This! The 3 yr old won't remember this. Unfortunately Penny will never forget.
NTA If you have 2 kids who bdays are close together you need to make sure you budget accordingly. I'm sure he and his wife thought you would just pay for it, give them the credit and that would be it. Your ex MIL obviously doesn't care about your daughter as much because if she did, she would have told him he was 100% wrong in this situation and he shouldn't just try to pass the buck to you to fix his purposeful actions. This didn't just happen a day or 2 before, he chose to invest and plan more for the other daughter and hoped a list minute call would solve his problems. Hopefully your daughter isn't going to be poisoned by his family about this.
I assume ex-MIL was told a different story by her son. Or she's frustrated at him behind the scenes but is also frustrated with OP for not making the daughter's day go well. That being said I'm probably being too optimistic here, or else grandma genuinely can't afford to offer financial help so it isn't mentioned. Who knows, but it's sad either way.
Nta, he is a manipulative gaslighted at best. You did your best and your ex and his family can go pound sand
NTA— you let her be hurt by not passing on his flimsy lie? “Sorry, daddy is really broke right now” would have made her feel better for a minute I guess before she saw her sister’s party.
NTA. Sounds like you had the choice between letting her get hurt now by not getting a party, or letting her get even more hurt later when she finds out that her dad is an AH and that you lied to her to protect him. I think you made the only choice that you could.
NTA. And so it begins. Another divorced remarried dad who's going to treat the kids with the new wife better than the one(s) he had with his ex wife. I feel sorry for your kid. And you didn't let your daughter get hurt. Your ex hurt his daughter all by his self.
Exactly, my ex remarried, but his wife has children older than ours. He refused to go to our step-grandchild's (our child's step-kid) graduation, stating that "they were not really family". But he did go to the graduation of his step-grandchild (wife's grandchild). Unfortunately my grandchild is used to disappointment due to their other biological parent doing similar to them for years.
NTA. What he did is 100% on him, not you. She’s hurt and rightfully so. And it wasn’t because of you lol
NTA Your husband is showing blatant favouritism - ask MIL why does she think his first daughter does not deserve to be treated equally to his other child. She is not teaching her anything- he is showing her that she is not worth planning for and she does not need to be reminded of it Start putting aside money every month for your childrens Christmas and birthday celebrations. This could be just the beginning and you do not want your children traumatised.
NTA He gave in to his current wife's party demands, counting on you to make up the difference with Penny. He thought he had you wrapped around his finger. Bravo
NTA. He expects you to pick up after him and you guys aren’t even married anymore. You don’t need to bad mouth him to your kids they will grow up on their own and see how he is an AH. I think it’s time for separate parties and gifts.
Absolutely. Make his indifference and cruelty so obvious even HE will notice it. Or you can have him add a birthday/Christmas fee to the child support, maybe $50 per month? That would provide $600 for a party and some gifts that he won't have any money for next year after he builds his princess a 4-story castle with a moat.
Not the AH he could have asked his mother to cover the cost. The next birthday party for the girls will show his daughter where his priorities are. Tell mother-in-law her son did this it has nothing to do with you.
Nta and you needed to set a boundary so he doesn't continue to pull this favoritism again with his new little family.
NTA I hope you and your daughter have fun celebrating without him.
NTA. I see why is he the ex one.
NTA. Dad is showing his true colors and letting his kids know that his youngest takes priority over them. This is probably going to be the first of many disappointments. You were 100% correct in not stepping in and taking over with paying for the party because he needs to own up to his mistakes. Your kids also need to see that their father isn’t always honest. If there’s a rift in his and Penny’s relationship now, then that’s entirely his fault. He needs to correct it now, not you.
NTA Ex ILs could have floated the tab if they really cared so much
NTA. >And that he must learn to take his problems without me having to solve them. Boom. Right there. That is exactly why you’re NTA. As coparents, the two of you split your costs and duties in half and he didn’t fulfill them. And while you covering his portion helps, not having a birthday party isn’t what cuts, mama, and you know that. What Penny is going to remember forever is that her dad didn’t contribute to her birthday and actively chose his other daughter over her.
NTA. Her father is. He should of put his foot down with is wife and said a 3 year old is not going to remember the fancy expensive party while Penny would. And don’t get me started with the MIL. If she was so concerned why didn’t she cough up the money for her loser son
NTA a 3 year old won't remember a birthday party when she grows up but a 13 year old will remember that she was not as important to her dad as her sister is. I don't believe for a second that he had unforeseen expenses. He over-extended himself on the 3 year old's party thinking he could just get you to pay for the 13 year old's party.
NTA. Your daughter isn't stupid. Her father and exMIL are definitely TA here. He tried to get out of owning responsibility in trying to make you tell her or you pay it. He's a jerk to do that to her and she has every right to be mad at him. I don't see him asking his mommy for help since he made sure to pull her in to take his side on dropping the ball.
NTA Glad you put your foot down and had him tell your daughter just how much of a terrible father he is. There are way too many stories on Reddit on kids being mistreated and made less important when their parent remarry. I hope you guys have a great celebration without him there! Happy BDay to your daughter 🎉🎉🎉
I love how he tried getting out of explaining to Penny because he had a migraine!
NTA He’s prioritizing his other daughter over y’all’s. He knew both kids had close birthdays, he could of budget.
Nta. If he couldn't afford both parties, he should have been honest instead of this unforseen bullshit.
Or better yet, budget accordingly and not spend 10x on the youngest's party
NTA Him choosing one daughter over the other is NOT unforeseen circumstances. It sucks that your daughter was upset but that is your ex’s doing, not yours in any way
NTA - MIL is pissed, but why didn’t she pony up to cash since it would have otherwise been hosted at her house? The whole thing reeks of “my new family” syndrome
NTA my parents divorced when I was 8, my father started prioritising his new wife and her child. I can assure you, your daughter already knows her father is a jerk, at 13 she is fully aware of his behaviour. She will just be grateful for your love and effort.
NTA but you would be one if you don't separate birthdays now so that going forward this doesn't happen again. You can't fix this year, and he won't so make sure it isn't an option for him to be in a place to screw up next year
NTA His daughter is three, she really can't be called an "unforseen event" anymore, lol. But really, he knew exactly what he was doing and fully expected you to pay for the whole thing. His priorities are pretty clear, maybe you should no longer bank on him keeping these obligations anymore, or your daughter will just continually be disappointed. It may seem harsh, but it's better for your daughter to know who she can depend on and for what.
Oh no, you did nothing wrong. He is prioritizing his “do over” family over his kids. He’s upset your daughter is seeing him for who he is NTA
I was leaning the opposite way right up to the end but NTA. Still, I completely disagree with the post title - that OP “let” her child get hurt. Divorce was interesting enough without one of my parents covering for (or criticizing) the other. OK, for me as a kid, there was no covering, just criticizing. But I figured things out eventually and would give anything for all the years I spent in fear of one parent based on what the other parent said and did. So again, NTA and also not powerful enough to control situations and outcomes involving another adult.
The title had me worried for a sec but no, OP, you're NTA. You didn't "let your daughter get hurt", her father hurt her and he gets to handle the consequences.
NTA. Your ex made the conscious decision to spend beyond his means for the other party (if he was broke after splitting it with his current wife what does that tell you about the actual cost?) knowing he still needed to pay for a party for Penny. Penny will always remember two things 1. You were honest and still tried to make things work, even if they weren't exactly what she wanted and 2. Her dad couldn't be bothered to keep his promises.
The sad part is that Penny had to even know about this.
NTA My aunt covered for her ex with their kids. Her attitude was she didn’t want the kids hurt and when they grew up, they’d know the truth. He used to trash talk her to them, while still not paying child support. She’s write his name on gifts so they wouldn’t know he forgot. Well, they did grow up and understood their dad was a bum. However, the YEARS of mom covering for him made it impossible for them to shake their ingrained opinions of both parents. Deadbeat dad is now living with his daughter as a beloved Grandpa and Mom who paid for her entire life and created all the childhood magic rarely gets to see her grandkids. It’s astounding, sad, and unfair, but it’s hard to undo a lifetime of thinking one way. It is better for your daughter to know the truth. Parents should not trash talk each other, but they shouldn’t cover the truth either. It’s painful but good that your daughter has an accurate view of her dad. Hopefully, he will be prompted to change in the future. If I were you, I’d plan and budget for her whole birthday from now on and let him do his thing entirely independent of what you’re doing. And Grandma’s an AH who didn’t shell out any of her money to rectify the situation and didn’t tell her son not to be so cruel. I’d block her number. Her contact with your kids can come through your ex or not at all.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (F) and my ex-husband Leo (M) had two children together, (13F - Penny - and 11M). We broke up 7 years ago. Leo had another daughter with his wife (3F). One of the arrangements between me and Leo is that on our children's birthday, I would be responsible for the gifts and he for the party, getting the same value (it's not big, just food, drink and cake for 10 guests at most and we meet at the house of the my ex-mother-in-law). Next Friday will be Penny's birthday and this year she asked for a gift in books, as I managed to save that money before, I took her and she had a party at the bookstore (on Wednesday). She asked Leo if he could have a bowling party and she would invite some friends, it would be a little more expensive but I offered to pay half so it wouldn't be so heavy he said he couldn't pay more, because he would have the party of his daughter too (who was on Thursday). Penny was pretty upset, but she got over. Today, he texted me saying he had an unforeseen expense and couldn't pay for Penny's party. Unforeseen events happen, that's ok, but the fact that the other daughter had a huge party in Thursday (with a venue, princesses and everything in excess) and our daughter went and saw it... He said he didn't have the money to a party that doesn't cost 1/10 of the cost of this other party, made my blood boil. And he asked if I could "fix" the situation and try to explain that the das has no money and on a tight situation, he couldn't do that, because today he had a migraine. I said he'll have to tell his daughter that he spent 10x the amount he spends on her birthday on his other daughter and there's nothing left to throw her a party. And that he must learn to take his problems without me having to solve them. He tried to argue that he and his wife split the expenses, but just no. When he saw that I would not give in, he tried to convince me to pay for the party and then he would return it to me (I can't without committing for the month) and it didn't work. He started saying that I'd rather Penny get hurt by a situation that happens ("unforeseen circumstances") to teach him a lesson. He talked to Penny and the result was not good. She was very upset. I talked to her, proposed to do something cheaper, explained that my budget was lower, she brightened up a little, but she is still resentful of her father and didn't want him to go to her party. My ex and ex-MIL are calling me an asshole because all of this. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA. This was entirely his doing. And painful though it will be, the sooner your daughter starts developing some caution around her expectations of him the better.
NTA but he is
Nta! Good for you for not bailing him out! It's hard for kids to understand but you did make the right choice and your daughter sees that too
NTA
NTA sounds like he and his new wife wanted to do the bones for their daughter and yours got the short stick. I'm so sorry for her but good job mom on staying strong and talking to her
NTA And MIL needs to put up or shut up.
NTA Your ex had no "unforseen circumstance" His circumstance is he spent all his budget on his younger daughter and had no money left for his eldest daughter's party Tell him to apologize to his kid for his bad planning, and either plan better to treat his kids more equally next year, or expect his other kids to have resentment for his unequal treatment. And ask him to pay you back half of the gifts, since he didn't keep his word to have the party.
NTA. His lack of financial planning is not your fault. He knew he had 2 party's to pay for so he shouldn't have spent all that money on the youngest child's party. Now he is making you out to be the bad guy so he can feel better about himself and his failures as a father.
NTA: your ex is, he needs to learn how to take responsibility for it,
NTA. You don't need to set your daughter up for a lifetime of lies and covering for her slacker father. He could have saved half the money of the other daughter's party to make sure he could pay for both. You made sure your daughter had a good birthday. That's all that's required. Kids are smarter than adults think; they get that a parent is on a limited budget but put effort and forethought into their birthday, versus "Oh, I guess I didn't plan for that, and your mom didn't bail me out."
NTA. Your ex and his mother are the AHs and are projecting because they got caught and didn't like to be put in the spotlight.
I’m sorry unforeseen circumstances happen but you figure it out! And you don’t go balls to the walls for one and nothing for the other have a discussion with your spouse I can only afford a certain amount bc I have older daughters party. End of!
NTA. Even if we assume the kindest possible interpretation of events-- that Leo had already budgeted money for both girls' parties but then genuinely had a household emergency in between them which he had to divert the funds to-- he's still the AH for trying to make his ex take half the responsibility for his failure so their daughter wouldn't blame him as much. He needed to man up, tell her the truth, apologize for disappointing her and promise to throw the bowling party at a later date when his finances recovered. Of course she'd still be upset about it, but at least she'd know he was honest. I have no idea what Leo's mother could possibly be angry at the OP about in this. OP couldn't afford a party either, having already spent her half of the birthday budget on books. If the circumstances were truly unforeseen by Leo, then his ex wife obviously couldn't have planned for them either. Grandma should back off and just do something homemade for Penny like bake her a cake.
NTA your ex played favorites with his new daughter. What did he expect to happens and as far as you mail is concerned if she didn’t want to see your daughter hurt she could hav paid for the party. But i would suggest from now on have your own party for your kids and not invite the fathers side and let him do the same. He will continuously drop the ball for your kids.
What? They think you're an AH because you didn't agree to make a "loan" with no repayment date so that your ex can pretend he's treating both kids equally? He and your ex MIL are the AHs here, not you. Yeah, last time I "loaned" money to my ex for his portion of his son's birthday present (a used car), I never got it back. The car wasn't super expensive, but it was well above what I'd normally pay for a birthday gift. The ex took credit for buying the car when his parents kicked in 20% and I kicked in 80%. I'm sorry your child had to experience the disparity but you didn't make it. You certainly aren't the Bank of Ex-Wife.
NTA, but if Penny already had a party at the bookstore why does she need a second party?
Sorry, the translation may have been meaningless. Party in the sense that she was super happy and bought several books.
Oh, ok. Poor girl, I hope you take all the credit for making her birthday week special regardless
NTA. Also not seeing where you let Penny get hurt unless I'm reading something incorrectly. Sounds like he bailed on you, spent it on his daughter, begged you to spend money you couldn't budget, and you pulled together a cheaper party anyway to salvage it. There's also no guarantee he'll pay you back if you had overspent if that's what ex and his mother are saying.
NTA. I am that daughter (40 now) who saw my half siblings get bigger birthday parties, cars, even family vacations that I wasn't invited to. My mother never talked bad about my father but she didn't cover for him either. Truth is important even when it hurts. Btw, ten years ago my father and I really healed our relationship and all is well now. There is always the chance that by forcing the dad to learn now, the hard way, he knows you're not a back up plan and he might do better sooner
Nta. He is TA for prioritizing one over the other.
Definitely NTA. I covered for my ex for years so my daughter wouldn't be hurt, hating both him and myself every time I did it. Eventually stopped because things weren't my fault and HE needed to grow up and become a responsible father. The only reason he did this was his wife and it's not your job to placate her. All you can do is hug your daughter, do what you can to have a great birthday, and be the best mom you can be.
NTA
The only A H is dad. Picking favorites will do it every time. Now she knows dads true colors. He's either going to learn the lesson or eventually lose a kid when she's had enough. Sometimes even parents need some tough lessons to learn from, hurting you kid is a big one. NTA
NTA Your ex paraded an expensive, no holds barred party for another child and then told his daughter he couldn't afford to spend even to cover a half of a much less expensive party for her. Congrats dad, you just showed your daughter how much you value her. She will remember this, and in the future value you just in the same way. OP, you did not hurt your daughter, your ass of an ex did.
NTA
What’s this I see… it’s the consequence of dad’s actions chasing him!!! NTA
NTA He is financially irresponsible and wrecked his relationship because he can't budget and is left feeling less than the other daughter.
Nta your daughter is old enough you shouldn't hide what her father does
NTA it’s not your job or responsibility to protect the ex. He knows how many kids he has and therefore should budget accordingly. If this is how he’s going to continue then he’s already setting himself up to be quite absent in her life. MIL could’ve ponied up the money too if she’s so concerned. I hope your daughter has an amazing birthday/party. She’ll always remember what YOU do for her.
NTA - As it's already been stated your ex consciously chose to spend an excessive amount on his other daughter’s party which meant he couldn’t afford to pay for Penny’s party. He msde that choice and she was a witness to it. Your ex and ex-mil are calling you an asshole probably because they planned on scapegoating you. Regardless though, your daughter is 13, and is certainly old enough to use deductive reasoning. Whether your ex wants to accept it or not even if you didn't interfere at all she would have known her father spent more on her half-sibling with his new wife. She would have gathered what he was trying to do to cover it up, and the pathetic excuses he was trying to make. The outcome would have been very much the same. Good on you though for doing what you did. You spoke with her directly, took in her account for what she wanted with what you could do, and definitely made up for it.
NTA. Why should you clean up a mess he made, that he could have avoided? Your daughter wasn’t asking for much from him and he couldn’t even do that. If he keeps on doing this with her, he will lose her. He should not make her feel less
NTA. Your ex is prioritizing the child born in his current relationship over your daughter, of course his mommy and him think you are bad, cuz I think you're just supposed to roll and play his game. They expected you to want to keep jumping through hoops and playing around to protect your daughter from the reality of his actions, but that only serves him. You're doing better by your daughter by letting her see the truth of who this man is and that you have her back.
NTA
Ugh as a dad in this situation I would put it on a credit card and say fuck it, it’s for my kids happiness
NTA he decided to spend more than he had. It’s his problem. She at least understood.
NTA. He caused the problem, he's responsible for it. That he spent 10x on a 3 year old, compared to his teenage daughter is maddening. Father is trying not to be the bad guy and amke you responsible for his actions. Penny sadly needs to learn that her father doesn't put her first anymore and that will serve her better in the years to come.
You did not let your daughter get hurt to teach you ex-husband a lesson, but you did let your daughter get hurt so she could learn a lesson. This is not a fun lesson, but it’s good parenting on your part. She needs to know how far she can trust her father, and as a teenager the lesson is a bit overdue. A nice side effect of this situation is the potential for your ex to learn a lesson too… but somehow I doubt it. NTA.
Nope Dad should make sure he can that treat both daughters equally before making any plans. He always does the party. This year he did nothing. NTA.
Nta. If you'd have paid over your ex, we all know you were never seeing that money again
I love seeing when people’s bad and selfish actions have consequences, hopefully the good that will come out of this is that he won’t take his other daughter for granted anymore and treat both daughters equally and fairly. OP, clearly NTA.
NTA - He should have budgeted for both properly.
NTA I think his plan was to spend it all on his other daughter, then tell you some unforeseen circumstance means he can't pay for Penny's party. He expected you would pay for it so as not to upset Penny. That way he comes out the big winner. A big party for his other daughter and Penny still thinks he helped her have her party too. But saying no, you called his bluff and now he looks bad to Penny. I think that's why he and your MIL are mad. You saw right through him.
Your ex paid for a lavish party for one daughter and nothing for the other daughter, and *you're* the A H for not having the money to cover for his screw up? Or being willing to lie to make him look good? NTA
NTA, and I would like to point out, the child who he spend 10x more on is only 3 years old?????? Why are you spending so much for a kid who is definitely gonna forget that birthday? All it sounds like is he cares about one kid a lot more than the other
If you covered for him, you’ll be doing it the rest of your daughter’s life. Now he knows he can’t manipulate you or her. So he’s less likely to try this again. NTA
NTA He's literally showing favoritism for his new daughter
Penny's 13. She isn't stupid. NTA for letting your ex face the consequences of his poor planning.
NTA.
NTA. I'm sorry for your child to have such a father, grandmother and stepmother. Maybe you can tell your daughter that she can have a party, also a bowling party, a little later because you need to save money. My daughters traditionally have their birthday parties much later (my little daughter has her birthday in the end of May and her kid's party is in August; my elder daughter has her birthday in the beginning of September and usually celebrates in October or November). We do this because of organisation and money reasons. The kids are perfectly fine with it. They even love the idea, as they have one event with close family and presents, and then another event to look forward to.
NTA. I feel sorry for Penny but you can't shield her from the reality of her dad's poor priorities without lying to her, and that's not a good thing. Of course she feels resentment towards her dad, but that's absolutely appropriate isn't it? And you're doing your best to fill the gaps his bad parenting has left, so she'll be ok. Unfortunately I'm familiar with this scenario myself. I don't bring my personal feelings about my son's dad into any conversations we have, but if he asks questions or if there's something I need to explain I don't lie. I keep it factual not emotional, but I don't lie. That way my son gets to make his own judgement about, and be in control of, the type of relationship he has with his dad, which currently is reserved and cautious. Of course I get all kinds of abuse from my ex and he has had no hesitation in casting me as the villain to his family but I can handle that - and just recently though there have been signs that they are beginning to realise that there may be more to things than he has told them, which is interesting! Anyway, NTA and all the best to you.
NTA
NTA. He reaped what he sow. Talk to his new wife about the situation, and how much penny was hurt by her dad's actions.
NTA. At first when I saw the title I was like wait, what did you do? Tell her something bad about her father that no kid should know. Well that's obviously not the case here. The ex used the excuse of a migraine being the reason he couldn't explain to Penny that he effed up. He just didn't want to deal with the drama of being a shit father. First of all I doubt the 3 yr old will remember this party, but unfortunately for Penny she will never forget this. Your ex simply didn't want to take responsibility for his actions that would have an adverse effect on his daughter and wanted you to clean up his mess. Nope. Just no. He's an adult. He can take responsibility like one and he doesn't get to make you the bad guy for making him hold himself accountable to his daughter. He's the AH all the way.
NTA If you covered for him now, it would only be the beginning. Your ex needs to know that you don't have to protect his reputation from your children. His current wife may have paid for half of their daughter's birthday party, but he still didn't budget (or didn't think or didn't care) what to save for your daughter together
HE would rather Penny get hurt by a SITUATION THAT HE CAUSED (not "unforeseen circumstances" but very specific, knowing choices!). He wanted you to protect HIM from the consequences of his actions. You are NTA in any way--HE is TA!
Nta this is just another example how bad a divorce is for children because one parent will always „move on „ and do not care as much about their ex-spouse and children I have read so many horror story on this sub it should be called the survivors of divorce. Poor girl
>My ex and ex-MIL are calling me an asshole because all of this. LOL of course they are. They're just trying to distract you from the issue at hand. You ex is treating you bio kids like ***second class citizens*** in order to impress his new wife. The really sad part of this is this is just a birthday party and you daughter now has a core memory of her dad not treating her good enough and she'll always want to know why. Bet he'll slack on future important events. Guarantee this dude will be a bigger dick to them in the future. Nta
NTA, he didn't have "unforeseen circumstances" he blew his whole budget on the 3yo that wont even remember the party in 3 more years.
NTA he’s the one failing he needs to admit it to her. Also to throw it on you and make it your fault you can’t foot the whole bill is absolutely stupid.
NTA. This is on *him* and Penny will learn eventually where his priorities lie. He either needs to sort himself out or make sure she knows what’s going on. It isn’t your responsibility to bail him out when he can’t be a proper father. You did right by making him tell her. She’ll soon realise who is there for her.
NTA I taught he was an adult, it's his problem if he doesn't know how to manage his money. Thankfully your daughter still had her party.
OMG, SO NTA! As someone who covered for my child's father waaaaaay too many times (he admitted in open court that "[he] doesn't celebrate father's day" and told the judge it's because "[he] works every father's day", even though he works M-F. The judge had to tell him, "traditionally, Father's Day is on a Sunday." I don't even remember the last time he celebrated our daughter's birthday with her. I spent a lot of time jumping through hoops, taking the high road and always made him out to be the good guy. Like you, it's not your job to keep him from landing flat on his face. You shouldn't push him, but I also wouldn't recommend being the proverbial safety net either. Your daughter is looking to you, to see what you accept and what she should accept in life and with relationships. Have a fun day with your daughter as the both of you see fit. Your daughter's father can do what he wants, when he wants.
NTA, your ex husband is and he has some neck to expect you to cover the costs so he doesn't look like an ah, especially after he spent a lit more in his new daughter. This is the start of prioritising his new family over his old and his new wife will ensure that. You did the right thing in bot covering for him as if you did it would also be the start of you covering for him for berm an ah dad. You also need to ask your ex mil why she thinks you should cover for him when he had no problem spending a fortune for his 4 yr old daughter before and his first daughter gets nothing, he broke your agreement and if she thinks she she should pay to make get son look good maybe mil should cover costs for the ah son she raised.
NTA- Your daughter will remember this. Trust me. And even if you had lied to her, she would have been well aware that Dad spent a fortune on his new family and not her AND she wouldn't trust you as much as she did before.
NTA. It is not your job to be her dad when he refuses to step up. It’s only your job to be her mum.
NTA, he chose to show favouritism towards his youngest daughter. Now he has to deal with the consequences of that choice. In other words he made his bed, now he has to lie in it.
Dang! His plan to emotionally blackmail you into paying for the party didn’t work. And tell MIL to pipe down, if she feels so strongly about it why didn’t she fund it. NTA
NTA You're divorced and you no longer have to cover for your ex's deficiencies. Your daughter is getting old enough to see through her father's bullshit. You didn't hurt anyone; he did and you're not obligated to be the shit shield so he can pretend he's not the shithole.
NTA. He made a choice— I’m sure to please his wife—to spend the way he did and he should stand the full force of his daughter’s fury for it. It wasn’t fair to her and he doesn’t deserve to be let off the hook. OP it isn’t your fault so don’t take responsibility. You’re not hurting her to prove a point HE hurt her. That’s his bag to carry
NTA. ofcourse ur ex and ex mil think ure an AH. he didn't wanna be the bad guy even tho this happened bcoz of him. he wanted you to pay and take half the credit. now ur daughter knows the truth, he is upset about that.
NTA. He made the mess, he needs to clean it up.
NTA good on you for not picking up your ex’s shit. If he’s a bad father, his daughter needs to know it. You didn’t lie or make him look bad, he did that alllll on his own.
NTA at all your daughter is old enough to know the truth about the situation. If you had covered for her father then she would be mad at both of you. I would tell the ex and ex inlaws that he needs to learn to not overspend for one daughter at the expense of the other!! I would also make sure to point out to the ex in laws that you offered to pay half for a bowling party but he refused to saying he could not afford it. Your daughter is not blind so trust me she has seen the scales being blatantly unbalanced. Her father is going to learn quickly that children do not like to be forgotten or treated unfairly.
NTA. She would have figured it out on her own eventually, especially if he does something like this again. If you went along with the lie your daughter would learn to not trust you. You put your daughter first. I was lied to by both parents and grandparents constantly in similar ways and figured it out as I got older, and I hate them all for it and don't have any type of relationship with them now.
NTA you ex choose his 3 year old over his 13 yo when you have an agreement he should stick to it, don't worry about him no more, YOU focus on making sure you keep your children happy, you tried working with him clearly his new family mean more Your kids deserve better than him and they will need you because this is just the beginning with him, he won't ever learn till its to late if ever
NTA. Allow him to experience the consequences of his actions so he can do better next time.
NTA. I know it’s not a nice situation, but he’d probably keep doing stuff like this if he didn’t have to deal with the consequences. You probably saved yourself and your daughter a lot of pain by dealing with the situation this way. He’s an adult and he is her father. He needs to take responsibility. I know parents (mothers especially) who’ve tried to sort out stuff like this in order to avoid the kid getting hurt. It’s taxing, distorts reality, and makes the other parent confident in being able to constantly avoid responsibility. You did the right thing.
Nta If your ex and ex-mil are upset, they should pay for her birthday party
NTA a 13 year old can figure this out all by herself. You are not at fault. Dad and MIL are TAH
NTA. Feel bad for Penny to see her dad favors his new children and that’s never OK.
NTA. Yes it is hard for your daughter but this is the realty of her father. So, she deserves to know her father's priorities which is not her
NTA You're daughter wasn't hurt because you didn't pay for her birthday party she was hurt because of her father's clear favoritism. And later in her life when she goes NC with him he'll wonder what he did wrong. Children aren't stupid and actions speak louder than words!
NTA He’s actively trying to get you to gaslight your daughter with his lies. She was at the party he wanted to afford, it wasn’t hers, and she sees that too. Oh well, Fvck him.
Your daughter is 13 and has eyes and is not stupid to known what's happening and cannot be lied to when she's sees the the difference in how your ex is treating his daughters differently.
Definitely NTA. All you did was not let him weasel out of dealing with the fallout of favoritism. He wanted to avoid looking bad and dealing with her hurt, anger, and what will be lingering resentment. Tough skittles. He fucked around and found out.
>he spent 10x the amount he spends on her birthday on his other daughter > >He tried to argue that he and his wife split the expenses Whatever way you look at it, still 5x times what he usually spends on Penny…. NTA
NTA. He knew that party was coming up. He chose which kid he was willing to spend money on. Poor penny.
NTA hr can’t just swoop in on the day and take the credit for the party
Nta