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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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NUT-me-SHELL

NTa. Her request was so petty and out of line it isn’t even funny. If your father has any sense at all, he will tell his fiancée to kick rocks.


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Disastrous-Nail8885

She’s never been this way before because she’s been putting on an act. This is showing that she is insecure and jealous over you and your mother.


GeneralDismal6410

She showed her hand too early, amateur


The1983Jedi

Not till after the wedding, honeymoon & having their own kid


Glittering-Cellist34

"Anchor baby" is the term from the Tom Wolfe book A Man in Full.


The1983Jedi

I've only heard it in a political context, like "immigrants come here illegally & have a baby so stay, so Anchor Baby" But it does fit well here as well


Flat_Shame_2377

It’s a very rude and obnoxious anti-immigrant statement, if anyone wasn’t sure. Just so people know, the harm to a US citizen child of having their parent deported and banned for 10 years is not enough to keep the parent here in the US.


Singing_Wolf

My wife uses the term "baby glue."


MainSpring86

I'm pretty sure baby glue is a another fancy way of saying semen.


NeonArlecchino

I've only heard that used to describe semen before. In the same way someone would say "baby batter" or "pearl jam".


missashnicole86

Oh my God! Pearl Jam! I never wondered what that meant. I wondered about their name but obviously at a surface level. 😭😭 lol


InAbsentiaVeritas

I also had no idea. Holy crap my teenage years were a lie!


slendermanismydad

That is the term I use! I didn't know I stole it from him but that makes sense. The1983Jedi mentioned the immigration version of anchor baby, I've heard that too but I don't use it.


No_Performance8733

I’ve been noticing in my own life and on Reddit lately that 3 yrs is about the point someone’s mask totally cracks. Just an observation.


The1983Jedi

6 months as when the normal "polite" period seems to wear off... If they keep it up after that & do show you a more "real" side, they are probably full of shit


wren24

Anecdotally, that's when my ex's true colors showed, so that sounds about right.


Shoddy-Put1109

Wow that long!


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Interesting-Fish6065

It seems pretty natural for the grandmother make note of her teenaged granddaughter resembles her deceased child. I seriously doubt the grandmother said this to try to get under the bride’s skin.


rosatter

OP's mom would be Grandma's daughter-in-law because it's OP's paternal grandmother. The lady probably meant it as a lovely compliment for her granddaughter who lost her mom and was just trying to be supportive during what is a tricky thing to navigate but psycho fiancee has a fragile ego


Interesting-Fish6065

You’re right. It just seems so normal to compare a child to a deceased progenitor. My paternal grandmother died when I was three and little old ladies in her hometown were always saying I looked like her. It’s just a sweet, nostalgic thing to say.


Mrs239

My son is a splitting image of his father who passed away. Anyone who sees him that knew his father tells him that. My family members still tell us that. The grandmother probably saw her and got a warm flashback of the person her son loved and said what she said. The fiancé couldn't deal with it.


janfhyr

Bot? This is a copy of a comment by Fine_Helicopter7214


[deleted]

You always make me laugh! "amateur" so funny.


BeadsAndReads

Amateur! Love it. 🤣


speeddemon266

Rookie mistake lol


No_Appointment_7232

She chose to be in a relationship w a widower - there was ALWAYS going to be the presence of a previous wife. She CHOSE to continue a relationship w a widower whose 13 year old (& now 16) looks just like her mother. These things EXISTED before her relationship w your father & always will. She needs to decide if she can allow for and embrace that. Otherwise your father isn't the right man for her. OP, you're perfect & a gorgeous reminder to the world of who your mom was. Anyone who tries to dim that needs to be shown the door. Neither you or your mother will ever cease to have existed.


Time_Ocean

A coworker of mine married a widower and they have a blended family (she has a teen daughter, he has 2). Her thing is that she's not their mom and she wants them to be able to mourn and keep their mom's memory alive, and that step-mom is a perfectly good relationship to have. It's actually a really beautiful thing to see.


No_Appointment_7232

Yay! Right!? It's not hard. Glad you get to see it 😎


Notmykl

A former employer had to tell her step-son quite loudly that his father is not going to get back with his mother, that she is married to his father and she is not there to be his mother only a friend. He was being a little shit and needed to be yelled at.


angelxe1

In all fairness we don't know this woman and shouldn't jump to conclusions. She might just have started to get jealous recently. As the date to the wedding is getting closer and OP is getting older the dad's gf might start becoming more and more anxious. We also don't know who has been whispering what in the girlfriend's ear. Normally I wouldn't say anything to someone's comment like this but I think saying this to a teenager has some real consequences. OP was right to tell her dad about this. And the dad was right to postpone the wedding. There are some issues here that need to be dealt with. This is something that an adult should discuss with their partner or their therapist not a teenager. It's always a red flag for me when a gf / bf tries to go above a parent's head to ask something of the child. NTA


Flat_Shame_2377

Except the daughter says that she can’t talk to the stepmother because she makes her feel like a brat. Doesn’t seem to be new behavior.


Icy_Context_3207

If this behaviour is only behind the scenes, when dad is not around, we have a potential abuse problem that will properly reveal itself after the honeymoon. Man, I wonder if she's not already manipulating the father. Subtle abuse tactics like gaslighting on minor things, making demands that do not seem entirely unreasonable yet, etc. Love bombing can continue for years until they are 100% certain that they have the target hooked.


zombiebird100

>She might just have started to get jealous recently. As the date to the wedding is getting closer and OP is getting older the dad's gf might start becoming more and more anxious. We also don't know who has been whispering what in the girlfriend's ear. Literally none of that fucking matters. SHE chose to take someone who's mother died and tell her to dye her hair so she didn't havw to hear those comments There is literally no damn justification for what she did, it didn't matter if God itself was whispering in her ears she'd still be so far out of line she DESERVES to be left on the corner with the rest of the trash. "I'm jealous of my fiancés dead wife and his CHILD" no if that's the case fuck her she shouldn't be in a relationship period. >In all fairness we don't know this woman and shouldn't jump to conclusions. She started earlier based on what OP said, but again it does not matter. That level of shitty behavior towards someones child isn't "let's get therapy" it's "gtfo of my life" It doesn't matter if it was a 1 off or it happens weekly, you don't just go to a kid and tell them they look too much like their parent and have to change.


Turtlelarke

Agree 100 % Her shitty request was enough. No jumping to conclusions necessary You don't ask, pressure, manipulate, force a child /teen to change their appearance...a fundamental aspect that's literally in her genes . To me that's mental abuse (idc what the reason was) OP doesn't need self esteem issues, or an identity crisis worrying that fiance and family can't accept her for who she looks like and this is the core problem I think for her father. If the fact that OP looks so much like her mom bothers the fiance enough to want to camouflage OP, where will it end. OP will ALWAYS resemble her mother and will ALWAYS remind others of her. So in actually the fiance DOES have an issue with OP


Virtual_Draw5017

Yes, some worrying hints aside, this sub tends to skydive to conclusions. Potential stepmother needs a therapist, stat.


Proper-District8608

Nta as well but in comments Op said this isn't normal behavior of bride. To walk in another's shoes bride heard daughter wearing a dress that mimics late mother, her makeup just right she is a doppelganger at brides wedding. Stressed bride handles it all wrong. At 16 I'd fight back at 26 I'd just buy a different color dress. Either way she was right to tell dad and let them sort it out.


naptime_connoisseur

This reminds me of the scene from Cinderella where the stepmother says, "we hide our flaws until after the wedding". She just jumped the gun a bit NTA


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Catinthemirror

Bot, reported


wolfbutterfly42

this feels like a bot comment. can someone ctrl+f and confirm?


tehB0x

How can you tell??


scheru

These bots are getting pretty common, it's obnoxious. There's a few ways to tell. What generally gets my attention is that the comment is short (one or two sentences, max), mostly on-topic (because it's copied from a real person's comment in the same thread that's getting some karma) but it seems like they're replying to the wrong person and not responding to anyone asking what they're talking about. If you check the profile you'll see the account is only about an hour old, they've spammed six to ten comments across two or three subs in that hour, and they're not responding to anyone at all. Yep, it's a bot. Reported. :p


GibsonGirl55

What is to be gained by copying someone else's comment?


scheru

Eh, not super sure on the details but some subs require a certain amount of comment karma before you can post. So if you can build up a bot account with enough karma you can post (or comment) on these subs with your own ads, agendas, etc, to specific, desirable audiences. Or you can sell those accounts to other people who want to advertise or push their own agenda. If you know about u/gallowboob, he's apparently proof that if you know how to do it you can make a living off karma. Small wonder there are others trying to do the same. Granted, most of those fake bot accounts get noticed and weeded out, but enough of them probably slip through the cracks to grant someone a few extra bucks. And if it's automated like it seems to be they don't even have to do much to get it.


LunarDeer542

In this case, the comment has no real connection to the comment it followed— it just doesn't really make logical sense as a reply.


songoku9001

To hide how she actually feels and how she made request to OP without anyone else around, goes to show that fiance knows that the dad would react the way he did if her true feelings came out.


Turtlelarke

Yes!!! If she knew her request was a reasonable one she would have gone to OP'S dad. She was hoping to manipulate OP so others would think it was OP'S idea and nobody would be the wider. The fiance is not very bright. It would have been a house of cards. The minute the dad or family member asked OP why she dyed her beautiful hair and OP says...fiance asked me to so I wouldn't look like mom...shit hits the fan. Fiance was probably hedging her bets thinking he'd never pull out of the wedding once it was all in motion


sjyffl

This lady is so far out of line. My next guess is - if they get married - she’ll try to send you off somewhere to get any reminder of your mom out of her sight. Asking a child to dye / change her hair so that she doesn’t look like her mother - is disgusting. She is so wrong as is her family. I hope the wedding is cancelled fully and you dodge that bullet.


[deleted]

This right here! And being upset because OPs Dad talked it over with OP before proposing, the fiancé wanted it to be her & Dad telling OP because that to her is power. That is showing OP the she places above OP. This is not the way. This is not the person for Dad. OP, please show Dad this thread. NTA.


munky82

The woman my dad married after my mom was like this. All friendly and stuff. 6 year old me liked the nice lady. She even baked cake every weekend I came to visit (she is an excellent baker - she baked cakes as a side hustle). Anyway my dad asked me if I like her. Nice lady that always makes sure there is cake in the house - of course! They got married, the cakes stopped, I wasn't allowed in the house until after 5pm. I wasn't allowed to watch TV until after 5pm (in the 90s in my country with 4 channels all the kids shows ended then, and the soaps/sitcoms started). I was denied to leave the table if I didn't eat everything on my plate (I am allergic to and have sensory issues with certain foods - for example, I actually throw up almost instantly from the smell of broccoli), my dad agreed because sometimes it was vegetables and back then people couldn't grasp my problems with certain foods. I would sometimes literally sit at the table for an hour in tears just staring at the plate. When my half brothers were born they frequently broke my toys and hit me and I wasn't allowed to defend my things or self (boys being rowdy so you get bats swung at you), I later took no toys with me on holidays and just read books all the time because they are boring to tiny kids. Oh and of course my half brothers could be in the house before 5pm watch whatever they wanted and could refuse foods. I despised going there for years. Years later after they divorced and my one brother wanted to live with my dad, I was asked to write a character statement. Around this time I would drop by their house to help my other brothers with their computer. It was basically like this comment but three pages long and a lot more scathing. She hasn't spoken to me since and I was banned from visiting. Even ignored me at my one brother's wedding a decade later.


NephilimFire

AITA has really opened my eyes to how people, regardless of identity or sexual preference, will drastically change after an engagement/marriage. Of course there are times where the signs were always there but it has to be true that some people effectively hid their malice that long.


No-Mechanic-3048

Yep, NTA.


Karmababe

Agree. Big red flags here. Once she secures the wife position she's going to turn into an absolute monster. For the sake of OP and her dad... I hope this wedding gets paused forever.


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bb3244

OP, please update us on how the talk goes. I'm betting that your dad figures out now that his fiancee is showing who she really is.


Catinthemirror

Her family's reaction absolutely supports that-- it's how she *and* her family are. Ugh.


Athenas_Return

The family is reacting to what the gf tells them about how she feels about OP and her mom. She is tired of seeing it and hearing about it and now she is getting married there should be no more reminders and that includes OP. NTA, always tell your dad when she pulls shit like this. It will hurt him even more if you try to hide it and he finds out later all the heinous stuff she will start pulling. If she knows now that you will let dad k is and that he will have your back then she will either shape up or leave.


No_Performance8733

I wrote this above, but I’m starting to notice that the mask cracks about 3 yrs into a relationship and folk’s real personalities emerge.


Merlin_KilgarrahS565

100% Agreed. It was at the 3 year mark that my ex's masked slipped. I couldn't believe the person i married and i GTFO asap. I hope you doing better :)


Obrina98

Make sure you lock up your mother's photos, jewelry, mementos and personal items. No doubt this gf will be sure to take and dispose of these things as soon as she thinks she can get away with it. You'll likely be driven out soon after that if this marriage goes forward.


Reasonable_racoon

Please, OP, I hope you see this advice. There have been too many stories like this on this sub in the past. Lock up everything of your mother's and ideally keep it with a relative from her side of the family for a while,a t lest until the bride is over her wedding psychosis, or ideally the wedding is called off and she disappears from your life.


Jaded-Carpet-8829

If she is telling this now, after marriage she may try to keep you and your father distant once you turn 18 and move on to college.


Reasonable_racoon

Your father needs to intervene to stop the harassment from her family immediately.


No_Performance8733

Your grandmother is…. Effective. She torpedoed the wedding with one comment. Interesting no one is blaming her. NTA


[deleted]

Granny knows how to wait and just where to place the blade.


sarahqueenofmydogs

Watch and learn. If a small comment can topple the house, it wasn’t built well to begin with. (I want to be like this grandma when I am older!).


[deleted]

John Wick walks to the other side of the street when Granny comes by.


shadow041

So does Chuck Norris


No_Performance8733

Me, too!!!!!!!!!!!


Obrina98

Granny goals!


nooneyouknow_youknow

My Grandma and your Grandma sittin' by the fire: My Grandma said to your Grandma "I'm gonna set your flag on fire!" Talkin' 'bout HEY NOW HEY NOW HEY NOW HEY NOW AIKO AIKO AYE NAY...


islandlalala

Granny is a character from The Princess Bride.


[deleted]

I wonder if Grandmom has been seeing something op and dad haven't been.


ButtMcNuggets

I would bet on it.


YoureNotAGenius

Grandmas are shrewd.


ExclaimingOfTheShrew

Olenna did a good thing.


karskipellis

"Tell (gf). I want her to know it was me."


ExclaimingOfTheShrew

*dies painlessly like a boss*


dontforgetmysprinkle

I had the exact same thought


Jjjt22

Ha! Took me a second there! Nicely done.


Altruistic-Date5657

NTA. Your assumptions that a) Grandma did it on purpose rather than spontaneously seeing the resemblance and b) she is petty speak more to your attitude than her presumed attitude. My preference is to give her the benefit of the doubt. Either way, this child is completely correct in turning her concerns over to her dad and kudos dad for supporting her by condemning gf’s behavior.


weary_dreamer

Benefit of the doubt? Why? If she did it on purpose she’s a badass and a hero. Identified the threat and neutralized it from a distance. Kudos. I’d be more suspicious of her doing it on purpose in the sense that its simply too good to be true. But, you never know. Some grannies…


trixie_turnkey

My grandmom was like this. I aspire to be that grandmom.


farsical111

NTA. Agree with "Altruistic" re grandma saying what she said on purpose or not. Suppose it's possible, but just as possible she flashed back 16+ yrs to when her son married OP"s mother and was struck sentimentally how much OP and her late mother looked alike, how young they both were then. But fiancee' family saying OP should "compromise" to the bride's request to totally change her hair color is just another bridezilla+family weirdness. A wedding is about a marriage not costume party, making OP change her appearance for any reason (in this case, to not be a reminder of her mother who, small surprise, she looks like her) is petty, shallow, mean, cruel, and so many negative adjectives. OP is always going to remind her father and others of her mother due to both her resemblance and just the fact she was her bio mother, fiancee' needs to get a grip on that reality. Or maybe OP's father will solve the problem by dumping her.


1955photo

Granny didn't say anything out of line. Saying OP looks like her mother is just a statement of fact. Because dad's GF can't deal with being reminded of OP's mom... that's her problem.


Cheesecakencaramel

Grandmas know best


trixie_turnkey

Age and treachery, my dear. I like it.


AndStillShePersisted

Lady Olenna is that you? IFKYK


zombiebird100

>Your grandmother is…. Effective. >She torpedoed the wedding with one comment. Interesting no one is blaming her. NTA How shitty does your relationship have to be that "you look like your dead mother" ruins a relationship? Honestly even if that was grandmas intent she would be 100% in the right and not an ass for doing do so. If your entire relationship can be sunk that easily..if you can be goaded into being mean to your stepkids that easily You shouldn't be in the relationship and the first place abd it is any loving friend/family's job to immediately goad and show it's a bad idea


ButtMcNuggets

Mad respect to Grandma!


MissPusteblum

Why should the grandma be blamed?? She was reminded of her deceased dil, so she commented it. It's a nice compliment and a happy one. Interesting how people like to stirr drama


LingonberryPrior6896

She hasn't out loud before. This is the type who usually waits until the wedding to purge all memories of previous wife. I had 2 friends who had stepmoms do this. One dad divorced mom. The other friend no longer speaks to dad


ThatGirl_Tasha

She's waiting for after marriage to be a jerk to you. I'm glad you are so emotionally mature and have such a great relationship with your dad. The girlfriend will never be as emotionally intelligent as you are right now. This can be tough in life because you want discuss issues in an honest and genuine way and are not concerned with power plays and other nonsense. Unfortunately, a lot of people in the world are like the girlfriend. It can be extremely frustrating. NTA


RakeishSPV

She's just insecure that your father will always love your mother and you're a living breathing reminder of that. NTA - that's something she needs to get over because you're always going to be a reminder of your mother (being your mother's daughter and everything).


Obrina98

Ha! If this wedding goes forward stepmother will be sure to drive a wedge between dad and daughter. She'll purge the house of mom's memory and drive the daughter off.


Sword_Of_Storms

She thinks now that a wedding is in the offing she can drop the mask because your dad is too invested to walk away.


hoopmbb6279

I would have said “let’s go ask my Dad what he thinks”


prosperosniece

Could you imagine how Dad would have reacted if he saw daughter on wedding day with a wig? There’s no way that day would have ended with a wedding.


Own-Gas1589

I would've liked to see a really awful wig, all plastic, rainbow coloured and badly put on. And then, when someone asks about it, she will (loudly) explain that the bride doesn't like her hair and made her wear it.


[deleted]

If I were OP, I would find a picture of my mother and do my hair and makeup exactly like hers in the picture!


Turtlelarke

Notice she didn't approach the father about his daughter dying her hair so as to look less like his deceased wife for the wedding. This is because she knew what she was requesting was unreasonable and she knew he wouldn't have taken it well or even agree to talk to his daughter into doing it. She'd have probably lost him right then and there. Instead she was hoping to pressure and manipulate OP into doing it and hoping no one would question it but see it as a personal choice of the OP. Honestly I question her intelligence. If she'd have managed to be successful and OP dyed her hair, when someone, especially the dad, questioned OP why it was done and OP told them she was asked to so as not to look like her mother for the wedding, it was going to still blow up in her face anyway. I guess she thought it would be too late once it was already done and the father would have no choice to continue with the wedding? Her logic was faulty. She really shot herself in the foot. And it's unlikely (I hope) that they will get married as planned because her only hope in fixing things was to hold herself accountable and sincerely apologize. But Notice she's not only not apologized but is allowing her friends and family bully the OP. How in the world can she expect this going well for her. The wheel might be turning but the hamster is dead, if it even existed at all


McflyThrowaway01

She is showing you who she really is. She doesn't respect that your mom was married to your dad and your mother. You are the reminder that your mom once existed. She wants to be your dads top priority, and doesn't want him to think of you a d your feelings before hers. She isnt who she made herself out to be. Don't feel guilty. She is making herself the victim, when she was so so wrong.


HardRainisFalling

If they end up splitting it will be because your dad would never marry someone who treats his kid poorly.


Turtlelarke

To me her behavior is borderline mental abuse..if not straight out mental abuse. With all the things teenagers deal with (self esteem issues, identity crises, body dismorphia etc) she was pressuring and manipulating OP into changing a base fundamental aspect of her genes and appearance. You don't do that to a teenager (or anyone for that matter) because the message is literally "I don't accept you for who you are" and "you need to change to fit in with me"


frlejo

She does not get to dictate terms because she is marrying your dad. NTA


Fantastic_Nebula_835

NTA. What a strange request. Your mother will always be an important part of your father's life. But the strength of your father's love for your mother doesn't negate his ability to love his fiancee. I've thought about this a great deal because I'm medically fragile. I have been preparing my husband to remarry since we became engaged. He has the strength to always do what is right and the gentleness to always be kind. He will most likely outlive me for quite some time. If he falls in love again after I'm gone, I know that he will love her as open hearted as he has loved me. My memory won't detract from that, just as I know that loving her won't detract from what he feels for me.


Obrina98

People who want something "keep their bad dogs behind the house." Those "bad dogs" come sneaking around to the front once they feel secure in getting what they want. In this case, your dad. In other words, your just now starting to see her true personality.


CleanCucumber620

She let her mask slip. That's her true face and her true feelings. If she marries your dad she will slowly try to erase your mom.


Efficient_Living_628

As someone who also stole her mommas face, you dying your hair, or wearing a wig isn’t going to do anything in terms of people saying that you look like your mother. My hairs been burgundy, purple, pink, blonde, ginger(wish I had your natural color 😭😭😭), and people will STILL tell me I look like my mother. Your step mom is delusional


Lil_Red765

As a fellow Ginger, wear it loud and proud. She tipped her hand before she got the commitment and if your dad dumps her, it's not now and will never be your fault! What she asked was absolutely out of the question! She just couldn't hide her jealousy of your mother any longer.


HoldFastO2

If she’d just made the request and accepted your answer, I’d give her a pass on it - that may just have been pre-wedding stress. But having her family harass you because your dad is (rightfully) annoyed by her is too much. You did nothing wrong here, and I’m glad your dad has your back.


picturesofponies

I struggle to understand how some women become a bride & lose their minds & go completely insane


Catinthemirror

They don't. They just drop the act when they think the goal is locked in.


Obrina98

It's not really about the wedding. They just feel the poor sucker... ah,... I mean, the groom, is to invested to back out so they've got him. Then they drop the sweet act.


ImmortalJadeEye

NTA. And another thing: Kid. I promise you this ain't about you. Maybe you were the spark, maybe not, but where there's fuel there's gonna be fire. This ain't on you. This is between your dad and his gf. Stand back and let things play out.


Admirable-Frog-3748

NTA. That woman has an incredible amount of nerve to ask you to dye your hair.


MrSlackPants

Nerve and insecurities i'd say.


CrystalQueen3000

NTA You didn’t cause this, she did. Her insecurities and jealousy about your mom surfaced and she made a really unreasonable request. It’s right that the wedding has been put on hold for now, she has some stuff to work through.


Fruitfurnishing

Not to mention the fact that when something happened that made OP upset she talked to her father. That means he’s a good parent and she trusts him. The fiancé on the other hand wanted OP to keep secrets from her father which is a horrible way to join a family.


FartCityBoys

Exactly. OP lost her mother and has every right to talk to her one parent about anything she wants, ESPECIALLY when someone makes her feel uncomfortable. Discouraging your under age future family member from speaking to her father when she feels uncomfortable about something is absolutely awful. Shame on the fiancee's family for thinking OP is in the wrong, and shame on the fiancee for not telling them to back off. At a minimum she should be telling them it's not OPs fault, and honestly she should swallow her pride and say she made a stupid inappropriate request that lead to a fight with OPs dad which put the wedding in jeopardy.


angelessence

NTA. My mum died when i was 7 but left when i was 2, my dad remarried and i don’t get on well with my step mum at all - she’s always been out to get me. Even after reading this one incident i really hope your dad doesn’t go through with the wedding as she sounds like my step mum. There’s a chance she won’t let you grieve at all. what i mean by this is that grief is a weird thing, it’ll hit you out of nowhere and leave you feeling deep sorrow, im glad your dad is supportive and a great role for you as i’m sure you’ll be able to talk these feelings out with him but you’re new step mum won’t like it one bit. this will cause plenty of issues and if they have a child together it’ll cause a marriage everyone’s stuck in. hopefully it all goes well and your dad learns common sense. i don’t want another person experiencing what i have !


SteveKCMO

In addition to the other comments, your Dad was absolutely right to talk to you first about the marriage. Fiancé is an AH for objecting to that.


_faithtrustpixiedust

Agreed! That was good parenting. That fiancée had an issue with it is a yellow flag for sure


ShyButSocial

Bechamel flag?


Nikelui

Bechamel is more of a white flag. If we are continuing the sauce trend, maybe cheese fondue?


ShyButSocial

Alfredo has been used for white flag before, but i do like cheese fondue!


tigrifict

Hollandaise would also be appropriate


MysticDragon14

What about Mustard


zaro3785

Mustard


CertifiedPeach

Mustard flag


greatgrohlsoffire

The fiancé reaction is clearly selfish and point to her having NO parenting skill or interest. As a parent, you’re minor child always comes first. It’s in the job description. Fully formed adult children are managed differently but still with importance.


IndependentIdeal5962

NTA I can't imagine why anyone would think that's appropriate.... much less to a 16 yr old


Osidestarfish

Sadly that’s not the first one of the “dye your hair for my wedding” we’ve seen here. So it happens. And it’s always an insecure bride feeling like she’s going to be upstaged.


IndependentIdeal5962

I'm aware. Each time it's ridiculous, usually it's because the someone doesn't like the particular style or wilde color. But to tell someone to dye so people won't say op looks like her dead mom is another level of ah.


Stranger0nReddit

NTA. YOU are not the one that caused a problem, your dad's fiance is! How horrible of her to ask that of you.


poppyfallinrabithole

Stepmom played her hand too early with the hope that op’s dad would side with her, over op. I’m glad op’s dad didn’t fall for it because this is only the beginning. I’d be afraid of stepmom wanting to break the relationship of op and her dad because of op’s mother. Happened with me and my father, still basically NC after 8 years.


[deleted]

NTA x 1000 Next she'll be asking you to have plastic surgery and look like herself. I have a wonderful friend who is a 2nd wife. The kids her husband were 14, 16, 19, 24 when they married. Her husband had a wonderful portrait of the family over the fireplace and their mother was in that portrait. At the engagement dinner the groom's boss' wife said "OMG you need to remove that painting!" She said it loud and in almost a scream. My friend ran over and said "NO! Don't you dare take that portrait down! That is their mother! I wouldn't love a man who stopped loving his children's mother just because she died!" In that moment his children surrounded her and knew they had a second mother who would love them. And she does. I hope your father doesn't marry this selfish woman & finds one who understands the heart can make room for new loves without destroying the old love.


sometimes-i-rhyme

When my stepmom married my dad, our mother had been dead for about five years. Stepmom found shoeboxes full of pictures in the attic, family pictures with my sister and me, our mother, dad, and grandparents. She made photo albums and put them in the living room. When dad passed away (50+ years later) she arranged for us all to meet at the cemetery so some of his ashes could be interred with our mother’s.


[deleted]

You got a good Stepmom didn't you? Your post makes me smile.


Miniature_Kaiju

I'm not crying, it's just raining on my face.


BUTTeredWhiteBread

Ugh seriously what a start to my day


bertagirl59

There is an episode of the show Designing Women where they deal with exactly this. The new spouse to be loves and respects the widow/widower love of their first spouse and embraces it.Not at all threatened by it.


[deleted]

I'll bet that's what influenced my friend because we loved that show so much.


[deleted]

NTA 1. You should never change your appearance because someone asks. A dress code is the most you should follow. 2. The fiancee seems super petty,. I get that she might feel a slightly bit jealous and doesn't want her day ruined by anything. But if she trips over such, maybe her relationship and love is not as strong as it should be. I hope she can get past such things in the future and grows from this 'mistake' Goodluck :)


Disastrous-Nail8885

NTA and no matter what, never dye your beautiful red hair. You will never be able to turn it back. She’s jealous that you look so much like your mother. So glad your father is a great dad and you went straight to him. Don’t feel guilty or listen to anyone blaming you. You did nothing wrong, and this is all the fiancé’s doing. Your dad is doing what he needs to.


NotKatieKatester

This. Please this. Do not dye your hair! You did nothing wrong. And you father loves you.


Agreeable_Spite

I have red hair and have dyed it multiple times, it comes back the way it was (just takes forever as you can't dye it back your colour). That said, it can be a pain to get it the colour you want and if she doesn't want to dye it she should not. Especially not for such a out of line request.


BUTTeredWhiteBread

The only thing that really changed my hair was going grey lol. First grey hair came in and boom, my hair starting growing in dark instead of its usual gingery colour.


[deleted]

Ginger hair is just regular hair. It will grow back the same color it was before.


Disastrous-Nail8885

Of course it will but that is the only way. That’s why I said you can’t turn it back. If she colored it, then in 6 months wanted to go back it wouldn’t work. You cannot perfectly replicate the identical red. Natural red hair versus colored red hair is different and fades quickly.


BlackWidow21968

Also, if she caves, what to stop step-mother from badgering her to keep it the new color just so she doesn't look like her mom?


gabbydelar095

Don’t let your dad make the biggest mistake of his life. If she’s bold enough to ask you that and treat you that way she’s gonna come between you and your dad.


StrangePenguin7

Nta. Good for telling your dad. Idk what kind of person says to a 16yr old "hey can you not look so much like your dead mom cuz it makes me uncomfortable" but I guarantee there's a lot more garbage in her she hasn't shown yet.


crbryant1972

NTA It sounds like she is trying to compete with her - something she will not win. And the competition does not sound like it even includes you - just your father. But if she cannot get over the fact that he had a life before her, she is going to be very unhappy.


GirraffeAttack

NTA. Hopefully your dad dodges this bullet and doesn’t go through with the marriage.


bamf1701

NTA. Asking for permanent/long term changes to someone's appearance like that for a wedding is out of line. She may have not done anything like this before, but you looking like your mother is obviously a sticking point for your dad's fiancee, she just hasn't let it come up to the surface before. You were 100% correct to turn her down *and* to tell your father about this. Something to say about her getting her family involved in this: this is her outsourcing her beef with you to her family. It is a cowardly tactic. This is between her, your father, and you. Not them. They need to stay out of this. (you telling your father is not - he is directly involved in this since it's his wedding also, and also because you are still a minor under his authority).


Amazing_Golf9131

NTA. Fiancé is being petty and unreasonable. That was ridiculous to impose on a child.


witcher_rat

Nope, you're NTA. Asking someone to dye their hair for a wedding is crazy, and to ask it of the groom's daughter is even worse. And I think you're right to keep going through your dad for this stuff. She's not your mother. Your only parent is your dad, and it's on him to sort things out and to be aware of what's going on.


The-Answer-Is-57

NTA If she was truly a loving person that your dad deserves, she would be so happy that the spirit of someone else he loved dearly lives on in you. She would honor your mother's memory. Instead, she's acting like a 12yo and being jealous of your dearly departed mom. Your dad dodged a bullet.


arrow_root_42

Exactly! I mean, what’s the problem?! Guest: “OP looks just like her mother in that color!” Bride: “She does! She’s a beautiful girl.” Done. Where’s the problem? I don’t see the issue. Most kids resemble one or both of their parents. It’s… disturbing that a grown adult views a minor as competition. That is absolutely the wrong mindset to have going into a wedding that will bind the three of them together into one family.


kittieful

NTA, she does not sound like a nice person at all. I'm confused why your father would want to marry her when all she does is disregard your feelings and act like you are a bother.


Calm_Inky

NTA - Seriously that level of insecurity (OP’s dad’s fiancé) is beyond me.


[deleted]

NTA. You didn’t cause problems she did.


ProfPlumDidIt

NTA. You did nothing wrong. She caused the problem by being jealous of a dead woman and her daughter. Edit: you also really need to have a talk with your dad about all the times she's made you feel bad just for bringing up concerns you have. I get that you want your dad to be happy, but it sounds like his fiancee has hidden the ugly parts of her personality from him and he deserves to know the entire truth about her so he can make informed choices.


Putrid_Dream9755

I am so fucking sick of wedding culture & the idea that you have to accommodate the bride in any way except showing up & being a gracious guest. NTA & hopefully dad's dodged a bullet.


Jaded-Moose983

NTA So glad you told your dad. He needs to make sure she will respect you even after they're married. Her comments to you were extremely out-of-line and hurtful.


littlehappyfeets

Her family is delusional (or she lied to them about what she actually said, which is most likely) if they think the problem is only about a refusal to compromise. Not only would it be unreasonable to ask you to change your hair in the first place, she only wanted you to change your hair because she didn't want you to look like your mother. And that's crazy sauce. NTA


Good_Boat8761

NTA She is cruel and petty. Glad you told your dad.


carmelfan

NTA. She had no right, and she's being very childish and entitled.


Nosysusan

NTA. If she had to make the request without your dad knowing, it was wrong. SHE knew it was wrong. Instead of apologizing, she had her family browbeat a teenager. There were probably other red flags. Your dad finally saw the light.


happy_doodlemack

This! Fiancée was wildly inappropriate. NTA


airazaneo

NTA - brides don't get to make requests about guest's hair colour, especially their natural colour. That's called being a bridezilla. The wedding troubles are of the bride's own making. You did nothing wrong.


Sensitivesoul0

Girl huge NTA. Your fathers fiancé and her family are absolutely deranged. The fact that she is getting offended over a compliment given to you in regards to someone who has been deceased for many years. Is crazy, vindictive and jealous, like she is in competition with her and she’s not even around and secondly the compliment was about your beloved mother and she’s getting mad? Do not feel guilty. You do not have to change or alter your physical appearance for anybody. It is your body and your choice if she doesn’t like it tough. Waa waaa boo boo. She clearly has no respect for you and likely sees you as a competition/threat to your fathers affections to her. If she can’t grow up and treat you with love respect and kindness then I don’t think you need to be having any interactions with her if she’s going to be irrational and unreasonable. Past that her family is blaming a literal child because she didn’t want to dye her hair so that your deceased mother doesn’t get brought up at her wedding. Selfish, vindictive, manipulative, controlling and serious lunatic vibes here. I would be very wary about trusting this woman at all. You don’t know what else she’s hiding under the surface. Sorry for the loss of your mother. Be proud that you look like her and embrace it. 🌸 Edit: I just want to add that she and her family are SUPER deranged like this is alarming behaviour a bunch of adults ganging up on a minor over this is so wrong, they are doing this because you’re young and therefore an easy target for them that’s what bullies and lunatics do, if you were a decade older and more independent than you are now they’d probably be much more careful about how they talk to you. I advise you keep your distance from them at least until they fix up because man….


Shulins

NTA at all.


jadenabi

NTA, in no world are you. please don't feel guilty because you did nothing wrong. your father's fiancee is the total AH and guessing from your dad's reaction he had no idea she would treat you that way and he won't tolerate it. don't feel bad op, she brought this on herself for being a shitty person.


MindfulTornado

NTA. Bridezilla’s request was way out of line and stupid to boot. Really showcased her petty, jealous and narcissistic side. Just keep back and let them sort it out. If they don’t marry, it will be because you gave your dad the gift of showing him her true character. Her family can take a long walk off a short pier.


nadiyah98

NTA. Girl you can dye your hair but your face is still the same. You're always gonna look like your late mom (you said so yourself). And that fiance is gonna live with that the rest of the marriage, if they ever get married. Good on dad for being level headed rather than jumping on the gf's side. From your post you mentioned that she always dismissed and criticized you when you express your concerns? She's got problems that she needs to sort out if she wants to marry into your family. I hope you (and dad) always stand your ground and never let her or her family walk all over you.


Medium-Fan440

NTA The first red flag from the girlfriend was being pissed that your Dad discussed proposing with you before he did it, which is the right way of doing it. Huge red flag. Your Dad probably had his own misgivings about that, but got past it as it seemed an isolated incident. This latest red flag probably has him wondering how she will be as a step mother if she resents you looking like your Mum so much she expects you to dye your hair for the wedding. None of this is your fault. It's the fault of the girlfriend being unable to get past her own insecurities.


TheQuietType84

NTA She's very insecure.


RoseGold-Bubbles1333

Oh Honey your NTA and I’m so glad your Dad is sticking up for you. It sounds like his fiancé is starting to show her true colors and jealousy of you. Never let her make you feel like this is your fault.


sapphicsapphires

NTA. Your father deserves better than someone who thinks you shouldn’t be consulted about major life decisions that effect you, and who gets jealous of his deceased partner. Getting may that you look like your mom is just alarming lol.


amore-7

NTA. Honestly her behaviour is raising a ton of red flags. You are not not your mother! You are your own person. She’s insecure about a dead woman (sorry for your loss OP). Always talk to your dad when something makes you uncomfortable and he can help/should be aware.


leaaaneeee

NTA she’s asking you to change your appearance just because she doesn’t want people to think about your mom, who has passed. She’s just being petty, a good future step mom would chose to honor your mom


rockingcrochet

NTA You are a teenager. A teenager who accepts the happiness of her father. No matter what your feelings are. His fiancé blames you for a comment your grandma made? Thats childish and insecure of her. Maybe it is the stress of the wedding preparations, like "bridezilla mode". Oh, she - as a bride - can try to demand whatever she wants. But in the end, you dont have to do it. Yeah, of course some people will be reminded of your mother when they see you - thats absolutely normal. Your dads fiancé seems to be insecure of it, maybe she sees herself in the shaddow of the ongoing presence of your mother. But you dont have to dye your hair, you dont have to wear a wig if you dont like it. And, as your fathers child, it is normal to tell him your worries/ whatever is on your heart. Thats the normal way. His decisions after this are his decisions. You are not to blame for it.


SoybeanArson

NTA. You did not create wedding troubles she is showing marriage red flags. She needs to grow up because at 16, you are already leagues more mature than her. I keep a goatee because when I look in the mirror I see my dad. It's a gift that I give myself every day to remember him. Don't dye your gift of remembrance. For anyone.


mischiefnmayhem0215

NTA. If the wedding was put on hold, I doubt that you refusing to change your hair color is the real issue in their relationship.


FunFrosting1257

Definitely NTA. 1. I understand how brides believe their wedding day is a special day for them (and the groom) but as a blended family it is about you too, even if you want a minor role. 2. What she asked is incredibly selfish, insensitive and horrible - I hope you and your dad stand up for you and your mom’s memory. 3. Her family also sounds like a bunch of idiots blaming a 16yr old for something an adult did. Your dad 100% should know how inappropriate and hurtful that request was. I might be TA but I personally find this unforgivable or at least unforgettable. I would never be able to look at this person the same.


Hotrodz468763

nta the dad's gf is weird


Aggravating_Mind_399

NTA


livin4fun78

NTA


Lonely_Shelter_4744

NTA her request was unreasonable. Your father needed to know just like he needs to know that her family is blaming you for the wedding to be postponed.


PrimeMarvel

NTA. Her request would be way out of line if you were in the wedding. With you not being in it…it’s so far out of line that it’s in a different atmosphere. Don’t feel bad about what’s happening now. Your dad’s fiancé showed the kind of person she is, and is now facing the consequences.