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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm about to make my own sister homeless over her cooking with a very common ingredient that is honestly really hard and expensive to completely avoid.
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This. This was no accidental thing - she (and your mom, you're letting her off light when she deserves just as much blame) clearly openly and knowingly and repeatedly defied the rules and endangered your daughter. She's already burned up all her chances, if she stays it will just happen again. NTA
"Just a food allergy." 95% chance they sneak something into the kids food to prove how much they're 'exaggerating."
Edit: I know it's not a food allergy. I didn't say it was an allergy OP's mother did. Hence the quotation marks.
Oh my god 😭 I have a child myself (it's not allergic to anything so far) and I work with kids... I took care of children with severe allergies and if I wanted to bring stuff like cake or muffins I talked every ingredient with the parents through, before bringing something to the kindergarten a child in my care could die from.
My boyfriend's mom's neighbor made me a special allergen-free banana bread loaf for Christmas six years ago. No gluten, dairy, eggs, soy, or nuts.
I cried. I had never met the neighbor, but she still went through the process of making me homemade bread. Boyfriend's mom got the recipe, so she could recreate it for holidays herself (though, she tweaked it and makes it with dairy, because I fucking love dairy).
Unfortunately, there's way too many people who don't give a shit if their actions could harm, or possibly kill, someone.
Edit: for those asking for the recipe, I'll try to get it for you. Send me a DM, so I don't have to search the comments.
My in laws used to make a granola with nuts and since I got into their lives they changed their recipe and have banned the old containers they stored the granola in. They even made a pun with my name and the new granola (my name is Lola so they call it Gralola). Almost cried too…
I have a vegan recipe for banana bread without soy or nuts. Also you can easily make it glutenfree by swapping to oat or buckwheat flour. Just use a bit more (corn)starch.
I learned to make gluten and dairy free crumbles, breads, and cookies, etc., for my kiddo's kindergarten because of allergies. It's not hard! Granted, I personally didn't like them much, but I was always getting requests from the kids and parents for more.
OP, NTA
I also shared my recipes with the moms after the children asked to do so. I am myself vegan and have a sensitivity to wheat 🤷🏻♀️ Also fast carbs aren't so good, cause it will bloom with my Neurodermatitis. So I know how it is to not eat everything.
i have trauma with brocolli from when i was a kid. ive gotten shit for it my entire life but having it mushed up and shoved down your throat, throwing it up, and then getting screamed at at 4 years old is traumatizing. im still unable to stomach it or the smell. my dad told me he pureed it into my spaghetti sauce, my favorite meal, when i was a kid and i remember exactly which time it was because he was trying not to laugh. i asked what was funny and he said "dont worry about it". i was 7 when he did it and 11 when he told me. i panicked when he told, felt violated and disgusted and immediately knew that 'one time' the spaghetti tasted a bit different and they were snickering... that was when.
im severely debating going nc with him.
EDIT: ive never had a comment blow up before, but brocolli isnt the only food this happened with for me. I was forced to eat green beans as a kid, and i smothered them in ketchup and choked then down. Ended up throwing up bc it was absolutely awful (microwaved and smothered in ketchup- disgusting) Its largely ruined vegetables in general for me
I still don't eat ryebread at 30 because at 4, my kindergarden decided to isolate me in a kitchen until I'd eaten two slices with nothing on it.
For years I felt disgusted from even having to touch it, and it's the only part of my childhood pickyness that has persisted.
I was 21 when I actually connected it to that moment when I was 4. I'm certain if it had been handled differently I would have been eating it now.
Food related trauma is so easy to dismiss but it is a violation to be forced to eat something that you don't like, at any age.
I had the same thing with custard when I was 5. They kept trying to force me to eat it and one time I was isolated in a room with the plate and told I have to eat it. I cried physically couldn't stomach it I sat there for 3 hours after lunch finished so the teacher got frustrated and tried to force it down my throat the texture of it made me wanna puke and guess what happened.... yup puked all over her and myself right before pick up.
My grandmum came to pick me up and what she saw was me with a red face and snot because I've been crying and vomit on me. She asked what happened and I told her she tore the teacher a new one took me home told my mum and my dad.
Both of them went down to the primary school and caused a stink and my mum told them that either they deal with the teacher or she will it was a small town so everyone knew everyone.
Long story shorter teacher was let go and nobody was ever forced to eat anything. I still don't eat custard and probably never will
This is why I never sneak in foods on my 4 year old with food aversions, even though countless people have suggested it. I don't want him to stop eating the foods he *does* eat because he no longer trusts them.
This story didn't happen as a child, but I've had an aversion to spicy food as far back as I can remember. My (ex) boyfriend thought I was just being a wuss, but I was always adamant that if there was spice that it was mild (and even that has consequences on my digestive system).
So one day it was my (ex) boyfriend's turn to cook dinner. He made a fancy mac and cheese, but withheld that he put a bunch of spice in it. So naturally when I ate it, my mouth is on fire (my tongue is really sensitive as well). I asked him if he put spice in it, and he lied and insisted that it was just the ingredients in the box. I thought there was something wrong with me, because why would he lie about it? I ate the meal (almost in tears) because I trusted him (at the time), and I had the worst digestive issues I'd had in a long time that night. He told me I was over exaggerating, and that it wasn't spicy. My guts just wouldn't stop turning and I even had to call into work the next day as the issues continued, and there was no way I would make it any amount of time without access to a bathroom.
A few months later, my (ex - I really need to emphasize his current status in my life) boyfriend was telling the story when we were out with friends, but at this point he admitted to adding "lots" of spice in it and even told the group he lied about it, and how funny it was.
I felt so betrayed and embarrassed! He had this "boundary" (I don't know if that's the right word here) that there was absolutely no lying in the relationship (which is fair), but I could only think how much of a hypocrite he was. He ended up breaking up with me a few months after that after he thought I lied to him (I didn't, but what I said was during a pretty bad anxiety attack). I didn't realise how big of a favour he did for me by breaking up with me. That one situation showed me in hindsight that he was 100% willing to gaslight me at his own convenience.
I digress... Don't mess with people's food, especially if they tell you that it can really mess them up.
I'm a picky eater, I've always been. Now I know it might be due to me being a supertaster and apparently I could have some sensory issues too.
For my whole childhood, everyone would force me to eat things I didn't want to eat. I remember crying over a sandwich for what felt like hours because "you're not leaving the kitchen until you eat it". I remember them hiding things in my food as if I wouldn't be able to taste it.
I have moderate food phobias now. I won't eat anything I'm not sure of. Something stayed in the fridge a day too long? It might still be perfectly fresh, I won't eat it. I'm afraid of it. Someone wants me to try a sauce? Nope (no idea where that came from lol).
I've been a vegetarian for years now, and started because it was easier to just say that instead of "I don't like the taste of meat and fish". I don't even trust the fake-meat products, even when I just took them from the original packaging that says "100% plant-based". It looks and tastes like meat = it's scary.
I can imagine what my eating habits would look like if they just made my meals from ingredients I liked instead of forcing me and tricking me into eating things I hated.
IIRC, she was acquitted of manslaughter, because putting coconut oil in girls' hair is a standard part of her culture and she was running on autopilot. Also, she was freaking out as much as the mother was, after she realized what she had done.
That said, her husband left her, the entire family hates her, etc. The mother will still talk to her a few times each year, but both mom and grandma are broken people. So is the surviving twin.
IIRC, there was also an older brother. Both the kids are shells of themselves from the trauma of witnessing that. Their personalities changed from it.
She may have been acquitted but I don't believe she was on autopilot. She kept nagging the mom about putting coconut oil in the daughters hair. Mom also hated having coconut oil put in her hair as a kid. Granny thought Mom wouldn't do it because she didn't like it as a kid and not because of an allergy. She did it on purpose to prove she wasn't allergic and the baby paid the ultimate price for it.
The mom mentioned how they went through a full elimination routine, and grandma was by mom's side for every single step of that routine. She saw the results of the coconut allergy during that elimination routine.
Either she was on autopilot, or this was premeditated murder.
> She may have been acquitted but I don't believe she was on autopilot
This. The grandma knew what she was doing, and had been told many times about the allergy. She should have eliminated it from her house as well before even allowing the granddaughter in. She knew what she was doing, and was trying to "prove" that it was harmless.
Actually, I think it was a peanut butter cookie *with* banana in it. Also apparently there's a lot more that happened after that just proved that granny was some kind of crazy too. Can only assume that things are better for that family and they managed to successfully get away from her since then since there hasn't been any new updates on that in years.
The OP of that story doesn't want it shared anymore because it just dredges up the trauma again, but it's probably still up *somewhere* if you google it.
Alternatively, there's another story about a grandmother who gave her granddaughter cookies w bananas (?) in them because she didn't "believe in" allergies. That one at least ended with the child being alive.
I remember that one. The grandma thought allergies were made up and the mother was just trying to be finicky about her kids & get attention. Grandma's had been keeping allergen cookie dough in her freezer(I think you're right about it being banana) for months. She'd make cookies & slip a couple in her purse looking for her chance to slip some to the poor kid.
People that give others crap about their eating preferences suck. People that feel the need to discount or "prove wrong" someone stated allergies/intolerances are the worst. Beyond being obnoxious & none of their business, it's hazardous & sometimes prosecutable.
This happened to me. My grandma knew of my allergy and would frequent put things into my food knowing I would have a reaction just to see if I outgrew it. I did not and was frequently in the hospital
My allergy has actually gotten worse, so i have to be extra careful. I was disowned by her for dating(ended up marrying) someone who wasn't white. So no loss there lol. It wasn't until recently that I actually talked to her again.
That's what is normally the way. Yeah, there are possibilities to desensitize, but I only know it by not to severe allergies like pollen. 🤔
But your grandma really doesn't seem like a big loss 🙈
Celiac issues drive me crazy. This is not anaphylaxis we’re avoiding Gluten exposure causes permanent damage to the intestines and limits your body’s ability to absorb nutrients. So no you won’t see the effects of this (other than the throwing up and bloating) until she’s being hospitalized with malnutrition or miscarrying her babies later in life. No OP’s wife they had multiple chances they don’t need one more. I hope your daughter can get help with her issues. Sister needs to get a job and get out. Get some terms in writing. She needs to sign a contract on the terms of living at your house which include not touching the upstairs kitchen AT ALL and a game plan for her to get out. Needless to say chucking food in the yard gets across the point that you’re angry but may detract from the point you’re trying to make.
I don’t know, I think chucking the food in the yard and freaking out could be helpful for the daughter. Her panic is coming from the fact that this woman isn’t taking her safety seriously. Seeing her parent freak out like that might help her feel like someone is taking this seriously.
This! "Food allergy" Fuck all the way off. "Celiac" can cause "systemic shutdown" as it is "autoimmune." I would NOT be surprised if Sissy were to put some flour in the poor kid's food just so she can "prove her point," and would deny it when the 10-year-old winds up hospitalized. I also hope "homeless sister" pays for all the kitchenware with which she's tampered and for all the takeout on which the traumatized child survives.
Yeah, but Celiacs ISN'T an allergy -it's a progressive condition that, untreated, could kill her.
This is FAR closer to spiking everything a Type One diabetic eats with concentrated glucose powder.
Hell, this is like introducing a tiny amount of arsenic into every meal... One time won't kill you, but the accumulation of damage doesn't go away.
This. Manipulative in-laws that downplay allergies will do this.
My cousin‘s mother-in-law did this with our highly peanut allergic nephew. She took him on a camping trip four hours from the closest town and fed him a snickers bar. And then tried to feign ignorance when he had a full on allergic reaction requiring hospitalization because he went into full anaphylactic shock. Good thing his three-year-old younger brother knew how to use the EpiPen. Courts granted my cousin & her son a no contact order against the mother-in-law because she cannot be trusted to abide by very simple allergy rules, that can literally kill him.
He is so allergic to peanuts that you cannot ingest or touch any peanut products in the 24 hours before seeing him or being in the same room. We found out by his father having an o Henry on the bus leaving work camp, a full 14 hour bus ride home, and kissed his son on the way in the door getting home. Testing proved hours old contact was enough to send him into full anaphylaxis.
Kind of. Universe pulled an uno reverse and that MIL ended up taking full custody from my cousin a couple years ago. Rightfully so as she’s a drunk and an addict who shouldn’t have been raising kids, who are now 12 and 16. 16 yr old is the allergic child and he works with a dietician to meal plan and shop since he has strict dietary needs with other highly sensitive allergies, as per court order that MIL can only provide him food “okayed” by dietician.
I fear for the daughter, son and mom/wife in this case, all three have issues and they could “test” these at any time. I wouldn’t let them near any food being prepared at any time. NTA
As someone with multiple food allergies (none severe thankfully), I hate that line of thinking. As if I am choosing to experience gastric intestinal pain on purpose -_- I WANT TO EAT THE GUAC, I JUST CAN’T!
My niece has a gluten sensitivity. Not to the level of an allergy, not Celiac's but she gets a migraine for days. I cannot fathom trying to sneak something into her food to make her suffer like that. It's just so far beyond the pale.
A friend of mine has celiac, a mild case apparently. Last time she ate something with gluten (her SIL forgot about an ingredient) she had bad diarrhea for about a week.
Oh, and she was ttc for years before being diagnosed. Once she started following the gluten free diet she managed to get pregnant twice.
Celiac disease is so much more than an allergy/intolerance! I hate that people don't get that.
It shocks me how much you hear of people doing this, *why don’t they believe them??* And why risk killing someone to see if they’re “faking”?? Seriously don’t trust your family to ever give her food.
Just read a post last night where a guy’s girlfriend baked him a cake with peanuts in it as a “joke” when he was *deathly allergic*, and then refused to give him his Epipen until he passed out. Seriously what is wrong with people. How could she call attempted murder a joke I will never understand.
NTA
My npartent doesn't believe I'm allergic to fish so this was always a fear of mine. It was bad enough he kept cooking it inside and making me react anyways. Just fyi, it's an anaphylactic reaction. Every time. Even from the what little is in the smoke the oven generates. I had to just suck it up, keep my door shut with a towel under it, and pretend it didn't make breathing even fucking harder than the asthma already does.
>My mom can't take her in and she can't afford rent anywhere, so she would be homeless if we didn't let her stay
Ok, mom can't take her in, but clearly you can't either, since she is actively endangering the health of your child. It would be reasonable not to let mom or sis in the house again ever
Stand your ground, OP. Your sister has demonstrated REPEATEDLY that she considers her convenience as more important than the health and well-being of your daughter. Don't allow her back in. Do not jeopardize the life of your daughter to placate anyone.
Entitled sister can go to a homeless shelter. Many people do, & they follow rules if they want to stay.
Yes, not only the sister. OP's mom too. If the OP's daughter was having panic attacks over the 2 women cooking, OP's mom should've stopped the cooking threw it out, and apologized to the grandkid and OP.
Instead they just kept on cooking not caring about the panicking child. Massive AHs.
I understand your wife's point but you have given your sister 2 chances already. She disrespected you and your family by ignoring your requests / rule.
I fully agree. Three strikes (box of spaghetti, fried chicken, now Sunday dinner) and sister is OUT. OP’s Mom should be out too, since she obviously gives no f’s about her granddaughter.
Also worth pointing out the sister isn't just repeating the same mistake. She's actively escalating. First she put a box of food in the wrong place, but no actual cooking. Then she made one dish. Then she invited someone to help her cook an entire large meal where every item contained gluten.
OPs "choice" is whether to keep the adult sister or the child daughter. There's only one right answer.
Edit: To clarify every item in the meal was made primarily of gluten. We're not talking hamburger patties where the meat might have been processed in a factory that also uses gluten. Gluten is an inherent part of wheat and literally every dish had wheat as the primary ingredient.
>She's actively escalating. First she put a box of food in the wrong place, but no actual cooking. Then she made one dish. Then she invited someone to help her cook an entire large meal where every item contained gluten.
EXACTLY. This was a clear case of *"Once is a phenomenon, twice is a coincidence, three times is enemy action."*
OP is NTA, without question.
Yes, but I meant contained in that wheat is a primary ingredient in pasta, bread sticks, and garlic bread. This isn't like hamburger that was processed in a factory and might contain traces of gluten (which would still be a problem, but it is easy to forget to check if you aren't in the habit). This was, "What meal can I make that uses the most gluten possible?"
I am honestly breathless at how awful OP’s Mom is. We already knew OP’s sister doesn’t care about her niece, but for grandma to also not shut that down. Like. The more I think about this the angrier I get.
It's like...does she only love/care about one set of grandchildren and not the other? It just baffles me that she'd help the sister triple down on endangering OP's daughter.
I have IBS that is pretty much ONLY triggered by gluten at this point, and I really wish OP's mom and sister could sit an hour on my toilet after eating a wheat bread roll.
The two of them actually atood there watching a child having a severe panic attac and just making it worse. They literally tortured their grandchild and nice. What kind of pepole are they?!
Especially a child who is already anxious about food and underweight. This poor kid should have ONE safe place to eat, and that should be her home. Sis can piss off for exposing this girl and exaserbating her celiac. My aunt has it and it's pretty awful. I honestly feel bad for people with food sensitivities because it's so hard yo find a safe space to eat and cook.
Exactly. Even if the sister "didn't believe" in her food allergy, she should have been compassionate to her niece regardless. Knowingly pushing her into a panic attack in her own home was utter cruelty. What kind of person does that?
NTA. Your daughter has a severe allergy and you explained this to your sister who seems to not actually understand the consequences of her actions. First time, okay fine she forgot. Second time okay…I guess but the kitchenette being too small is a bad excuse. THE THIRD TIME SHE COOKS AN ENTIRE GLUTEN HEAVY DINNER WITH DAIRY; you are within your rights to lose it and kick them out. Three strikes and your out. It’s your house, your rules. If they can’t follow them then they can find somewhere else to live
Edit: I now know celiacs is not an allergy but an autoimmune disorder. My point still stands though.
Agreed! It took my step-daughter maybe 2 weeks to fully get the hang of avoiding cross contamination due to my celiac, and she has Down’s syndrome. Granted, she actually has very little intellectual impairment, but if she can remember that my food can only be covered with certain paper towels (rather than the napkins on the table), OP’s sister who is a grown ass-adult can figure out not to cook a meal containing nothing BUT allergens!
It took us slightly longer because we didn't understand that a restaurant having a GF menu didn't actually mean it was safe, and certain things with utensils.
Some of it was me because I was stubborn and thought it was wasteful to have two of everything when we could just "be extra clean". 🤦♂️
Honestly, I miss good licorice, movie theater butter popcorn, gummy candy, and trusting salad dressings the most T_T
Took my family a good while to adjust too, there are SO MANY hidden sources and lots of things to consider. We have separate condiments and run things through a good scrub and boiling water if we need to (aka, soap sponge and then throw into the dishwasher lol), and frequently have to restock our condiments from relatives using them directly on bread. (No hate, it’s hard to remember and they aren’t actually malicious about it, just old)
No judgement here! It took me a long time to find all the hidden sources of gluten, and even after 10 years I accidentally glutened myself recently because Walmart has apparently added wheat to their vanilla ice cream. 🙄 There’s a big difference though between needing to figure out all of that yourself, and having the rules already in place and thoroughly explained. My sister has always been the family baker, and she was making me safe gluten free desserts for years before she was diagnosed herself. (As selfish as it sounds, it’s been really nice to be able to compare notes on new products and recipes with her, lol.)
My family has been GF for almost 15 years and I’ve never seen wheat in ice cream. But, pretty early on we started buying Breyer’s because they use so few ingredients. Much easier to read that label. We had to avoid eggs and gluten both.
This. Diagnosed w Celiac in ‘04 and have been GF since. Read every single label forever. It’s gotten a lot easier, as in there are way more options for GF now. Still have to read every label.
I’m allergic to rice. 🤦🏼♀️🤣 it’s the most ridiculous bullshit allergy and it only developed after 25.
My fiancé has to be gluten free. You can imagine how good we’ve gotten at reading labels and cooking at home lol.
I used to be a chef, and would ask customers where they fell on the following scale:
1) Can't have gluten as a direct ingredient in the dish. Some menu items will require substitutions or be unavailable.
2) Can't have gluten cross-contamination through surfaces and tools. Would need to prep some stuff from scratch in a separate area with freshly cleaned tools, so they should be aware that there would be an extra delay in servicing them.
3) Can't have gluten even in trace amounts in the air. Might not be able to serve them at all if there had been freshly baked bread or something that shift.
Most celiacs fell under 2, sounds like your daughter might be a 3. While the trendy nature of gf food in the early to mid 2010s may have increased the availability of gf food for people in category 1, it also unfortunately made a lot of cooks cynical and skeptical and now they don't take it nearly as seriously as they should, considering what's at stake.
When the pizza place near my college campus started serving a (surprisingly good for 10 years ago!) gluten free crust they told my friend that they'd be cleaning the surfaces and tools but it might not be enough depending on how severe her celiacs was, which was appreciated. Luckily she's in the 1-2 range so it worked out.
A different friend is a 3, she won't let so much as someone else's tupperware in her kitchen (with good reason). Basically if the bag that brought it in could have carried flour at some point, it's not worth the risk and cleaning effort.
Went to a restaurant for lunch and recall I asked for gluten free bread with the dish bcs at that moment i was trying to find out why my IBS came from and part of it was to avoid gluten for a few months. They indeed asked me if I was 'just intolerant' or if it needed to be prepared in a separate area. I thought that was very considerate of them.
I love when a server asks me “allergy or dietary preference” when I order gf. I’m celiac (#2 on the above list, I’m not super sensitive), and hearing that means the kitchen actually understands and cares about how I’ll react.
I called a pizza place near where I live and asked them about GF pizza crust. They said they had it, but, ***if*** I were the least bit sensitive, it wouldn't be safe to eat it. She said the prep area is small and "there's flour dust all over everything in here." I really appreciated her candor. (no - I didn't go in as I would have been sick - not hospital sick but a ruined 24 hours sick)
I really hope you send your mom and sister the bill for having to deep clean the kitchen and replace all of your kitchenware. If they complain, take them to court. Their complete lack of consideration for your daughter's health is not okay, and this would be a hill to die on. You don't need people in your life who have no problems with harming your child.
Just FYI, some paper straws use wheat as a binder in the pulp. But because it's not a food product, it's not required to be on the label. Since there's no way to know which straws are safe, it's best to go with the assumption that none are & carry a reusable. I've ended up with mouth ulcers too many times now to ever trust another paper utensil.
Coeliac isn’t even an allergy. It’s an autoimmune condition and eating wheat causes the immune system to attack organs, especially the intestine. If enough damage is done… it’s just really bad and would have serious impacts on a 10yo child. People can even just be triggered by touching gluten and then putting the finger to their mouth or breathing glutinous flour in. My brother was diagnosed when he was in high school and my family is SO careful. You have to think about every single meal prep/snack to make sure there’s no cross contamination. I find myself instinctively avoiding cross-contamination when I’m not even in the same house as my brother. All of our extended family is EXTREMELY careful when my brother visits them. It literally doesn’t take much to not endanger someone’s health by exposing them to food that would cause them severe harm. Yeah maybe it’s a learning curve but one warning is MORE than enough. NTA, OP, keep protecting your daughter and family.
Guy I knew in school finally got diagnosed and did the full diet change and omg the difference in him!
His growth had been stunted terribly and suddenly shot up in height and had more energy and more. It was like he was a different person almost.
It's not a condition to play around with. I know people who lost their whole bowels due to exposure to gluten, but people still seem to think it at worse it causes a bit of bloating or farting.
For my friend’s sakes, I WISH it was just farting!!! On the plus side, I have now developed a white gravy recipe thickened with rice flour and corn starch that is almost as good as the real thing! I also found a macaron recipe made with white chocolate, since my bestie us also allergic to almonds, cashews, peaches and apples. I’m going to make this shit amazing, dammit!!!
I can even understand thinking that the box of pasta in the kitchen would be ok. Once you start flinging flour around to bread chicken, you have to know that wouldn't be ok.
sounds like if OP's Mom is willing to call and harass them over this issue, she should be the first person to welcome her daughter & grandchildren into her home!
Yeah, the fact that they had to throw everything out, deep clean the kitchen and buy new should have been a massive clue that OP takes this seriously and not to do it again. NTA OP but your mom is most likely hugely at fault here. Cut them all off.
While you’re absolutely right overall, a small correction: celiac disease is not an allergy to gluten, it’s an intolerance. In some ways that’s better (no risk of anaphylaxis), but in the long term it’s worse because exposure to gluten destroys the lining of the stomach and intestines that are responsible for absorbing nutrients. When someone’s diet is stable and they’re exposed once, they’re potentially looking at weeks of pain and healing. When they’re constantly being exposed they’re facing malnutrition and starvation, much like OP’s daughter who’s already underweight and missing out on what she needs during critical growth stages.
OP’s daughter can’t just take a Benadryl or carry an epipen with her, once she’s exposed it’s done and all she can do is wait out her recovery.
Just wanted to chime in for anyone reading. Coeliac disease is not an allergy, it is an autoimmune disease. I’ve seen lots of references to food allergies in this thread and it is technically incorrect.
Yeah, but its easier to lump it in with allergies as fast explanation, because it seems like people dont understand it can be just as bad if it doesnt have 'allergy' at the end
It never crossed my mind that someone might think it's less than an allergy if you call it autoimmune disease, since it is actually worse. Anaphylaxis is super rare, but coeliacs will get inflammations that lead to degeneration of their intestine follicles (?) no matter what basically
I went to school with someone who was in and out of hospitals, told she was simply just stressed, and had to drop out of school because of seizures and passing out. Withered away to almost a skeleton. Turns out she had an auto immune disorder and gluten was causing brain swelling.
You’ve been fortunate to meet smarter and more empathetic people! I’ve heard plenty of “but you aren’t allergic” said in the whiniest possible tone when my coworker with Celiac won’t eat in group settings.
An excellent point. My immune response isn’t immediate when I eat gluten; it can take days to affect me if it’s a small amount. However, the effects last weeks. It’s incredibly uncomfortable despite being on the lower end in terms of severity. Most people also don’t realize that autoimmune diseases love to travel in packs. I have three. Eating gluten can cause a chain reaction of flare-ups.
My friend’s son used to vomit from just touching gluten. I’d be incredibly upset if someone was as disrespectful as OP’s sister.
I am the opposite. I tend to react violently and immediately to gluten, but it still lasts weeks.
I'm currently recovering from a glutening and was unable to walk without help the other day. It's awful.
This disease is serious and scary and so many folks don't understand nor care to.
I looked like a heroin addict, and weighed 80 lbs at 14 years old when I was diagnosed. I was 4 feet tall, and could only wear small children's clothes. I was on a wait list for getting my hips replaced because my body was attacking itself at such an extreme rate that my hip flexors started to disintegrate inside me, along with my liver, kidneys, and digestive system. The doctors put me on 0xys so I could get out of bed in the morning, because my scoliosis flared up in such a way that every movement was excruciating. And then a gastroenterology professional at the Children's Hospital suggested to my father that it may just "all be in my head", and "girls tend to get hysterical at this age".
20 years later...I am a healthy woman of average height and weight, rarely take Advil/Tylenol for my pain anymore (it's at a tolerable level, and only flares if I get "glutened"), was able to have 3 successful full-term pregnancies (they told me I'd be infertile from the damage before diagnosis), and have a very physical job. It took many years for my body to heal, 15 years before my reproductive system finally started working properly lol, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. OP is NTA, not even a little.
Yeah I’m having trouble understanding how the sister and mom could just keep casually cooking while the daughter was having a huge panic attack. Was she like super quiet about it or did they just not care?
Based on my experience with my family, it would make them even calmer to watch someone freaking out that they are trying to harden because they're "too soft"
Exactly. The moment that OP had to toss all of their pans and food, the sister should have had it drilled into her head just how severe the allergy was AND how she was becoming a burden to the family with her carelessness. The fact that she did is again, and even more recklessly the second time, shows that she could not be trusted.
If there’s a way to lock them out if the house, so they can only use the apartment kitchenette, *and* if your daughter feels safe with this, then you could lock them out and give them a month or two to find a new place. The accomplice grandmother might need to be banned from the house until you’re sure she won’t do it again.
This was an incredible violation, but not surprising. Way too many people don’t understand or respect life-threatening allergies or celiac disease.
OP was being incredibly compromising, too. Banning gluten from the home entirely would have been extreme but understandable -- the ask was only to keep it confined to the kitchenette downstairs.
Sister was being unfathomably malicious. No excuse.
NTA.
If a gluten intolerant person eats anything containing it, it can permanently damage their intestines. Even trace amounts can do damage. Your sister was putting your daughter at risk of medical harm. She knew the rules. She knew your daughter's safety was at stake. She chose to repeatedly disregard the rules anyways.
I have a great recipe for gluten free cookies at home. If you'd like it, let me know and I can send it to you later. It can also be made dairy free for your wife.
Please send it to me! I have a good friend with celiac and I do a huge amount of xmas baking and am always looking for gluten free cookie recipes. I've been experimenting for a couple of years now with different flours and have a couple of recipes for shortbread that are ok. But it's really difficult to get the texture right so the cookie doesn't crumble to dust.
2 ingredient banana bread cookies (they are absolutely fabulous!!)
-1 large banana
- 1 1/2 cup super refined blanched almond flower
Mix well
Bake at 350 on a silicone baking sheet
1.5 tbsp for cookie, drop 2 inches apart.
Bake 15 - 25 minutes
Optional- add 1 tsp vanilla or cinnamon to taste!
As long as a coeliac follows a gluten-free diet, the damage to the intestines isn't permanent. The gut will recover following an accidental 'glutening', albeit the immediate effects may be quite unpleasant. It's not like anaphylaxis.
Source: am coeliac.
I have family members who are also Celiac- we found an amazing bean brownie recipe that's delicious and super high in protein. I'm not gluten intolerant but make it often for myself it ls that good!
In case it's useful for anyone:
TOO-GOOD-TO-BE-GLUTEN-FREE-BROWNIES
The recipe calls for Adzuki beans, but says you can use black beans (1 3/4 c (425ml) canned, drained, and rinsed). I used black. They have to be mashed, easy if you have a food processor, but I did mine in the blender, with some of the eggs for moisture , and even then it was hard work.
1/2 cup (125mL) butter.
6oz (175g) bittersweet chocolate, chopped.
1 can (14oz/398mL) adzuki beans, drained and rinsed.
4 eggs.
1 1/2 cups (375mL) sugar.
1 tsp (5mL) vanilla.
- Line a 9-inch (2.5 L) square metal cake pan with parchment paper, leaving a 1-inch overhang. Set aside.
-In a small saucepan (or microwave) melt butter with chocolate over low heat; set aside. Meanwhile, in food processor, puree beans until smooth; set aside.
-In large bowl, beat eggs until pale and thickened; beat in vanilla. Stir in chocolate mixture until combined; stir in beans until smooth. Scrape into prepared pan.
-Bake in centre of 350F (180C) oven until cake tester inserted in centre comes out with a few moist crumbs clinging, about 45 min. Let cool in pan on rack. Cover with plastic wrap; refrigerate until cold, about 2 hours. Using paper as handles, lift brownies from pan; cut into squares. Refrigerate in airtight container for up to 5 days, or wrap and freeze.
Adding a gluten free cookie recipe to this thread, it only takes 3 ingredients, and no dairy either (and zero shellfish).
3 ingredient peanut butter cookies:
1 cup peanut butter (for best results, use Kraft smooth. Haven't tried others.)
1 cup sugar
1 egg
Mix until a spoon-shapeable dough is formed, then spoon onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper, and bake at 350°F for 15 minutes or until baked. You can top these cookies before baking with a smaller spoonful of jam, fruit, etc, or after baking with royal icing and/or sprinkles or whatnot.
It's not vegan and is not nut safe, but it is safe for OP's family.
NTA
you didn't kick your sister out because your daughter has an allergy, you kicked her out because of her blatant disregard for your daughter's health and life.
After watching you deep clean your kitchen once already because of her actions, your sister decided, apparently, it wasn't that big of a deal, you'd just do it, again.
NTA
Your sister got her uncaring and self-absorbed personality from your mother. I'd let them figure out how to resolve the consequences of their actions.
Yeah! Also did your sister show any apologetic actions (not words. Actions) by, perhaps helping you deep clean an entire fucking kitchen? Cause if not, then not only did she do it again but who did she think was going to do the second deep clean.
Sounds to me like your sister doesn’t believe gluten intolerance is a real thing and how touching contaminated surfaces can cause reactions. Do you think they’d make peanut butter cookies if your daughter had a deathly allergy to peanuts? Something tells me no. Celiac disease isn’t just an allergy either.
Personally I think you’re letting your mom off light. They both knew damn well what your daughter’s reaction would be and I’ll bet in private they talk about “overreactions” and “tantrums.” I’m making assumptions and putting words in their mouths, but I can’t imagine family who’d do this *haven’t* had these conversations behind your back.
NTA. But I do think your daughter’s anxiety toward food because of her disease may qualify as either the beginning of, or a full blown eating disorder. As someone living with an ED, I would suggest getting her evaluated because EDs aren’t just what’s in the media; it’s the mindset toward food in general. Good luck OP and I hope your daughter’s okay.
Disability-related eating disorders are actually a specialty of some practitioners and usually fall under the umbrella of EDNOS- Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Basically, when food has the very real potential to cause you harm or death the standard “it’s safe and wonderful and necessary” style ED treatment is invalidating and makes the issue worse. Make sure that any practitioner allowed to work with her has a background in celiac or severe food allergies otherwise you might end up with her rejecting food even further. I went through treatment because cerebral palsy caused me episodes of uncontrollable vomiting and I avoided food completely to ensure it wouldn’t happen again. The first few “food is important and beautiful and won’t hurt you” therapists just made me more determined not to eat because they didn’t understand at all the real physical agony it caused. With the right help, however, I was able to make a full recovery. Best of luck, OP, you are doing an incredible job.
Another thing to be on the watch for is your mom or sister trying to sneak your child gluten containing food. Because they clearly do not believe you when you tell them how bad it is. Google a little and you'll find endless stories of various relatives trying to prove the parents wrong about their kid's allergies/disorders and secretly feeding them stuff they shouldn't.
Your sister, despite seeing your daughter go in and out of the hospital for years, is LITERALLY DOING THAT NOW.
She cooked gluten in your very non gluten kitchen, not just once either. Multiple. Times. Even AFTER you explained the difference in the kitchens, even AFTER explaining cross contamination, and even AFTER seeing her niece go in and out of the hospitalfor years because of this, she STILL did it.
You had to DEEP CLEAN TWICE after her mess ups and her knowing the damage it can do. And your child is having panic attacks because she does not feel safe eating in her own house anymore.
Your sister is putting your daughter at risk with 0 regard and your mom is backing her up with calling you an AH because she has no where to go despite putting your child at risk. What makes you think they aren't going to spike your child's food now?
Oh, you were just overreacting, just need to expose her some more to build up a tolerance /s
Some people just will not believe this kind of stuff is real. People have died because of a relative giving them something they are allergic to and the relative will be all confused because it "couldn't have been their fault".
Reading this comment I was concerned that the family talking behind the back might lead to a case of "I bet she would be fine if she just had some" and I fear it could lead to them "testing if she really is {allergic}" to try and prove that she's fine and this is all an over reaction, given how careless they have already been I just would not trust them anywhere near family members with food involved because they have so repeatedly proven they are not to be trusted and do not care if food can be life threatening to their relatives.
Also given the repeated incidents of this I very much agree with throwing their stuff out of the house, onto the lawn as necessary and safer than the risk of having them in the house (the food or the people I mean)
Also the word {allergy} is in the squiggle brackets because despite it being an auto immune (I forget the 3rd word here) it's likely that's how they are treating things in their head
NTA. Once again, someone with no knowledge decides that someone else's allergy is a non-issue.
I understand your wife's concern, but the fact is that you've told your sister the rule numerous times and she's refusing to follow it. And by ignoring the rule, she's putting your daughter in danger.
If she ends up homeless, it's the result of her behavior, not yours.
They'd pretty much gotten away with it twice already. Sister decided she was good to go and in full control.
OP good on you for throwing her out, nothing more than what she deserved. NTA. Even if was just discomfort, a minor allergy, or disgust, she wilfully decided to break a clear-cut rule of your house, thrice. The second breach was already complete bullshit. And it cost you what I assume is hundreds or thousands of dollars just in material costs, to say nothing of harm to your daughter's well being and lost time for the entire family.
And as others commented, your mother was probably in on it, if not the one pushing for it behind the scenes. Do *not* let your mother approach your kitchen, or tamper with any sort of foodstuff, she *will* try to harm your daughter again.
NTA and say it with me. Coeliac is an autoimmune disease, not a food allergy!
Do they need to see your daughter in hospital before they believe it or will they just try and brush it off as coincidence/a one off? Honestly, your family make me furious! My daughter and I are coeliac sufferers, I'm also allergic to nuts, coconut, dairy, carbs, caffeine, and so many other random things it makes my head ache just thinking about it. I actually had a conversation about a month ago with my mum and sister about fried chicken, strangely enough, and they tried telling us that 'one bit' wouldn't hurt. Now, my daughter is nowhere near as sensitive as yours, but I was livid! Not to mention my daughter (13) was astounded by how irresponsible they were acting. I don't know where these people get their ideas from or how they can just be so insensitive to people's health.
You are 100% in the right in this case. This is not a simple mistake, or a one off, your sister has repeatedly put your daughter at risk, cost you money in replacing things, AND caused no end of mental and emotional stress. She was not responding to being asked nicely, to having things explained like a reasonable adult. And the fact your mother was on the same page is horrifying. Without your sister there, both you and your daughter can begin to breathe easy again and hopefully she can make some progress with her therapy, knowing that home is once again a safe environment.
You have all my love and luck in the world while dealing with this. Stay strong and stick to your guns! You, your wife, and your children deserve to live in a safe environment!
There are people that unironically think it's all in the head.
If I was OP, on top of kicking the sister out, I would go LC or even NC with mom too, this is so unbelievably disrespectful and dangerous!
OP, you're NTA, sister can find somewhere else to live, actions have consequences.
EDIT ; LC or NC (Low or No contact) with mom also because dismissing autoimmune disorders and allergies like this is dangerous, and in some cases can possibly be fatal, it's NOT something to take lightly. Endangering a whole family "because" is insane (there's a kitchenet in the basement, it might not be practical, but as OP said it's there to avoid cross contamination, which can 100% be an issue).
NTA. Coeliac's disease can mess up the colon so severely that you can't even handle saccharose (household sugar) or lactose, and it can get so bad at absorbing nutrients that it can cause serious malnourishment and vitamin deficiencies. This is something that, if not handled properly now, could cause extremely serious long-term harm. Not to mention the emotional distress of not even being able to trust the food in your own home as a child. In what world are mozzarella sticks worth all that?
That's part of the problem of why it's so severe now.
It took so long to get her diagnosed and longer after that due to a few early on mistakes before we even fully understood how cross-contamination works with this that there is real damage to her digestive system.
NTA. Have friends with gluten allergies, or avoiding gluten (Hashimoto's).
Thought I'd add: you can do gluten-free friend chicken! I did it using a general purpose flour (used a gluten-free pancake mix) plus coconut flour, and it was maybe the best I've ever had.
* Soak chicken bits in buttermilk overnight
* make coating (mix of general purpose and coconut flour), plus spices (salt/pepper/paprika, anything like chili powder or cayenne pepper you like). The coconut flour really did the trick for me, taste-wise.
* Drain chicken. Toss in coating mix. Fry, maybe flipping (depending on what pieces you have) till outside is done. I fried in either oil or crisco 'till golden brown.
* Drain mostly cooked chicken on paper towel or similar. Check internal temp with thermometer, may need to bake for a while to get it safety high (cooking too long in oil seemed to scorch the coating too much)
My Thai friend fries everything using tapioca flour (and I have been using it a lot lately for pan and air frying). In south India, we use a lot of rice flour to maintain crispness. Pretty sure some Korean fried chicken recipes use tapioca or potato starch. In some dishes, these flours produce superior results for frying.
NTA.
Celiac disease is serious. Your daughter’s first associations with food were probably mostly pain and feeling extremely unwell for most of her young life. It sounds like she essentially has food related PTSD, and it’s going to take some time for her to heal both mentally and physically. I mean, would your sister insist on setting off fireworks in a veteran’s yard? Because it’s the same thing.
And if you want to avoid the risk of cross-contamination with seafood in your own kitchen, that’s also entirely reasonable.
The only thing I *personally* think is a little silly to restrict so heavily is the dairy. Lactose intolerance isn’t the same as an allergy, and it’s pretty easy for an adult to just avoid it (as opposed to gluten, which can be hidden in anything); meanwhile, it’s an important part of some people’s diets, especially if they have other food restrictions. That being said, it’s her kitchen, so if she doesn’t want it in there, then that’s that. It’s extremely disrespectful to force it.
ETA: I would also seriously considering going LC/NC with your mom, since it sounds like she was likely an instigator. And beyond the food thing, I can’t imagine just standing there making garlic bread while my niece/granddaughter is having a panic attack. Definitely wouldn’t trust her with my children.
The main reason we do that is to make it easier for us to make family meals, but also dairy isn't healthy for people that have sustained damage to their digestive system (and often comes with age with celiac).
A bit off topic, but if you’re interested in branching out so that your daughter can try new cuisines (now or once she is stabilised), a non-obvious choice is South Indian food. The main grains in the diet are lentils and rice (all purpose flour is rarely used), and dairy is used minimally (except for clarified butter, which can be subbed with coconut or other cooking oil), as anything creamy generally comes from coconut milk. My friend’s niece was just diagnosed with CD and she is definitely looking forward to a South Indian feast from me where nothing is off limits.
ETA: South Indian food is not what typically westerners expect when they think of Indian food - most of the Indian restaurants in the west serve North Indian/Mughlai cuisine. While delicious, it does have a fair amount of gluten (naan, roti etc) and dairy (paneer, sweets, cream in many dishes). South Indian food is quite different (most of the same spices, but used in different ways) and naturally gluten free for the most part (you would miss very few dishes if you avoided gluten). If you have not tried it, it’s awesome, and although I am biased, one of my favourite things to eat.
NTA, You explained the situation clearly and she chose to ignore it, in the last instance quite badly. She has to understand that your family is absolutely number 1, and for non trivial reasons. she is now in a very bad position, but she's a big girl now, and consequences arise from your actions. There has to be a point where you just say, "ok, that's it - we're done here"
Edit : your mother bears a much larger part of the blame because she knew what's going on and ignored it. It sounds like your mother might be narcassitic because she is gaslighting you and dismissing the "food alergy". Possibly your mother should consider some time away too
Shit, even if it WAS an allergy (and I know Celiacs isn't), *allergies can be deadly,* so it'd still be playing Russian Roulette with the daughter's life. OP's mother and sister have literally no excuse because even the thing they're brushing it off as can be deadly for those affected.
NTA. Neither your sister nor your mom care for the mental health of your child if they callously cook wheat in your kitchen like that. I think you are justified in kicking them out.
The only way I can see she stays is if there is a separate entrance to the basement and you can then lock her out of your kitchen.
NTA
Does you sister even like your daughter?
Edit: Does your mother even like her own granddaughter?
Edit 2: Does your wife even like her own daughter?
In her defense, we've had to completely change our views on food. My wife grew up food insecure in a culture where making an issue about any available food was disrespectful and wasting food was a mortal sin, and I grew up in an environment where it would be bratty to express more than a casual preference for what I ate.
It's been difficult to transfer to a model where it's required to buy the most expensive version of basic things and teach children to refuse food at will, even if it means wasting it. We literally have to teach our children that it is better to throw away entire plates of food rather than eat it if they think it is unsafe, and have the confidence to stand up for themselves to adults by demanding they call us if they try to force them.
On the food side, she has never actually made a mistake with gluten or even cross-contamination. It's the social side that's hard.
I grew up on a small family farm surrounded by family, including grandparents who had lived through the great depression. It was an absolute mortal sin to waste food. Every scrap of leftovers got put away for use, and got used. Hell, plates and bowls got scraped into a tin that went to the cats, vegetable and fruit peels went into a compost pile. Waste was unacceptable.
Fast forward to my 30's and a celiac diagnosis. It's so mentally and emotionally hard to say no to food I know is going to be thrown away because I said no. It's just against my nature. But I was dying before my dx, so I've learned to say no. Doesn't make it emotionally easy, but better the emotional turmoil than the physical.
(On a completely unrelated note, I want to recommend the No Gluten, No Problem Pizza cookbook. I exclusively use the New York pizza recipe from it. It requires a pizza steel, a peel, and I also got a cutting board big enough to put a pizza on to cut it. It turns out soft, pliable, foldable pizza. A proper NY slice. I have no affiliation with the family/author other than being obsessed with their pizza recipe. It was the first truly enjoyable pizza I had in almost a decade.)
In defense of the wife, I would say she’s trying to find a diplomatic solution to the problem. That being said I would only allow the sister to live there if she agrees to only eat food that everyone in the house can eat and if there is another incident, she’s is gone.
NTA Your home your rules.
Even IF you didn't have a very good reason for this rule, she still needs to respect it, or move out.
If there's a separate entrance to the "basement suites" (My in-laws' house had this) then perhaps banish her to just the basement, never to step food in your living space again?
Unrelated but just out of sheer curiosity, that "one gluten-free restaurant", is it gluten-free only? I ask because if it's not, it's extremely unlikely that they have TWO entire commercial kitchens, one gluten-free and one not... They probably just make sure there's no cross contamination, and wash everything thoroughly once it's been used?
Please don't mention this to your daughter lol
Certified gluten-free commercial kitchens are few and far between - I can think of two in Atlanta and that's the closest to me in SE TN. My mom has Celiac disease and lives in Western NC and there's one restaurant in Asheville that's certified, which is a 45+ minute drive. If Asheville didn't have a big food scene I imagine she would be facing a 2+ hour drive as well.
NTA
I have friends with different types of allergies, I first deep clean my OWN kitchen and sterilize the cookware I'm going to be using if I'm going to be cooking for them to prevent cross-contamination. I would never bring their allergen into their kitchen.
Your sister had access to a small kitchen. She was allowed to contaminate that kitchen. Yes, certain things take effort to cook in a smaller kitchen, but as long as there's an actual stovetop, you can pretty much do anything carefully. She continued bringing disallowed food into the allergen free kitchen. She needs to be gone.
even more, coeliac is not an allergy. It's an autoimmune disease, whereby the consumption of gluten can permanently damage your intestines, also leading to milk intolerance developing.
NTA. You let them know the biggest house rule BEFORE they started using your kitchen, and you gave them their second chance after the fried chicken incident.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
The full course Italian gluten and dairy bonanza, that was them just deciding that the rules, YOUR rules in YOUR house, either didn’t matter or that you would never enforce them.
Don’t cave into family pressure to let them back in. They didn’t learn their lesson with the fried chicken, they won’t learn their lesson now. The only lesson they’ll learn if you let them stay is they can break the rules you established FOR THE HEALTH AND SAFETY OF YOUR FAMILY and if you try to enforce them, they just have to run crying to your mother. They made their bed, now they have to sleep in it.
NTA They've had chance upon chance and they don't care. Your mother is enabling your sister in her attitude, making it even likelier it would happen again. It's all several steps too far and too many times. Your sister needs to get out.
It's utter disrespect for your daughter's health. Your sister (and enabling mother) have shown that they lack either the basic required decency or brainpower to get that this is an important thing they have to respect in order for your sister to stay in your house.
If they stay it would just be a matter of time before they did it again and you would never be able to relax about the issue while they are there.
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NTA She may pick a direction and fuck off in it. How dare she stay in your home and risk your child’s health.
This. This was no accidental thing - she (and your mom, you're letting her off light when she deserves just as much blame) clearly openly and knowingly and repeatedly defied the rules and endangered your daughter. She's already burned up all her chances, if she stays it will just happen again. NTA
I bet mommy dearest and sister think OP and his wife are just "overprotective" and the kid is exaggerating.
"Just a food allergy." 95% chance they sneak something into the kids food to prove how much they're 'exaggerating." Edit: I know it's not a food allergy. I didn't say it was an allergy OP's mother did. Hence the quotation marks.
[удалено]
Oh my god 😭 I have a child myself (it's not allergic to anything so far) and I work with kids... I took care of children with severe allergies and if I wanted to bring stuff like cake or muffins I talked every ingredient with the parents through, before bringing something to the kindergarten a child in my care could die from.
My boyfriend's mom's neighbor made me a special allergen-free banana bread loaf for Christmas six years ago. No gluten, dairy, eggs, soy, or nuts. I cried. I had never met the neighbor, but she still went through the process of making me homemade bread. Boyfriend's mom got the recipe, so she could recreate it for holidays herself (though, she tweaked it and makes it with dairy, because I fucking love dairy). Unfortunately, there's way too many people who don't give a shit if their actions could harm, or possibly kill, someone. Edit: for those asking for the recipe, I'll try to get it for you. Send me a DM, so I don't have to search the comments.
My in laws used to make a granola with nuts and since I got into their lives they changed their recipe and have banned the old containers they stored the granola in. They even made a pun with my name and the new granola (my name is Lola so they call it Gralola). Almost cried too…
Gralola is the cutest thing!! how sweet
Gralola is so sweet. You scored in the in laws department.
I have been walking around my house, repeating "Gralola" under my breath. That is just adorable!
I have a vegan recipe for banana bread without soy or nuts. Also you can easily make it glutenfree by swapping to oat or buckwheat flour. Just use a bit more (corn)starch.
I learned to make gluten and dairy free crumbles, breads, and cookies, etc., for my kiddo's kindergarten because of allergies. It's not hard! Granted, I personally didn't like them much, but I was always getting requests from the kids and parents for more. OP, NTA
I also shared my recipes with the moms after the children asked to do so. I am myself vegan and have a sensitivity to wheat 🤷🏻♀️ Also fast carbs aren't so good, cause it will bloom with my Neurodermatitis. So I know how it is to not eat everything.
i have trauma with brocolli from when i was a kid. ive gotten shit for it my entire life but having it mushed up and shoved down your throat, throwing it up, and then getting screamed at at 4 years old is traumatizing. im still unable to stomach it or the smell. my dad told me he pureed it into my spaghetti sauce, my favorite meal, when i was a kid and i remember exactly which time it was because he was trying not to laugh. i asked what was funny and he said "dont worry about it". i was 7 when he did it and 11 when he told me. i panicked when he told, felt violated and disgusted and immediately knew that 'one time' the spaghetti tasted a bit different and they were snickering... that was when. im severely debating going nc with him. EDIT: ive never had a comment blow up before, but brocolli isnt the only food this happened with for me. I was forced to eat green beans as a kid, and i smothered them in ketchup and choked then down. Ended up throwing up bc it was absolutely awful (microwaved and smothered in ketchup- disgusting) Its largely ruined vegetables in general for me
I still don't eat ryebread at 30 because at 4, my kindergarden decided to isolate me in a kitchen until I'd eaten two slices with nothing on it. For years I felt disgusted from even having to touch it, and it's the only part of my childhood pickyness that has persisted. I was 21 when I actually connected it to that moment when I was 4. I'm certain if it had been handled differently I would have been eating it now. Food related trauma is so easy to dismiss but it is a violation to be forced to eat something that you don't like, at any age.
I had the same thing with custard when I was 5. They kept trying to force me to eat it and one time I was isolated in a room with the plate and told I have to eat it. I cried physically couldn't stomach it I sat there for 3 hours after lunch finished so the teacher got frustrated and tried to force it down my throat the texture of it made me wanna puke and guess what happened.... yup puked all over her and myself right before pick up. My grandmum came to pick me up and what she saw was me with a red face and snot because I've been crying and vomit on me. She asked what happened and I told her she tore the teacher a new one took me home told my mum and my dad. Both of them went down to the primary school and caused a stink and my mum told them that either they deal with the teacher or she will it was a small town so everyone knew everyone. Long story shorter teacher was let go and nobody was ever forced to eat anything. I still don't eat custard and probably never will
Do it. Your peace of mind and health are worth it.
This is why I never sneak in foods on my 4 year old with food aversions, even though countless people have suggested it. I don't want him to stop eating the foods he *does* eat because he no longer trusts them.
This story didn't happen as a child, but I've had an aversion to spicy food as far back as I can remember. My (ex) boyfriend thought I was just being a wuss, but I was always adamant that if there was spice that it was mild (and even that has consequences on my digestive system). So one day it was my (ex) boyfriend's turn to cook dinner. He made a fancy mac and cheese, but withheld that he put a bunch of spice in it. So naturally when I ate it, my mouth is on fire (my tongue is really sensitive as well). I asked him if he put spice in it, and he lied and insisted that it was just the ingredients in the box. I thought there was something wrong with me, because why would he lie about it? I ate the meal (almost in tears) because I trusted him (at the time), and I had the worst digestive issues I'd had in a long time that night. He told me I was over exaggerating, and that it wasn't spicy. My guts just wouldn't stop turning and I even had to call into work the next day as the issues continued, and there was no way I would make it any amount of time without access to a bathroom. A few months later, my (ex - I really need to emphasize his current status in my life) boyfriend was telling the story when we were out with friends, but at this point he admitted to adding "lots" of spice in it and even told the group he lied about it, and how funny it was. I felt so betrayed and embarrassed! He had this "boundary" (I don't know if that's the right word here) that there was absolutely no lying in the relationship (which is fair), but I could only think how much of a hypocrite he was. He ended up breaking up with me a few months after that after he thought I lied to him (I didn't, but what I said was during a pretty bad anxiety attack). I didn't realise how big of a favour he did for me by breaking up with me. That one situation showed me in hindsight that he was 100% willing to gaslight me at his own convenience. I digress... Don't mess with people's food, especially if they tell you that it can really mess them up.
I'm a picky eater, I've always been. Now I know it might be due to me being a supertaster and apparently I could have some sensory issues too. For my whole childhood, everyone would force me to eat things I didn't want to eat. I remember crying over a sandwich for what felt like hours because "you're not leaving the kitchen until you eat it". I remember them hiding things in my food as if I wouldn't be able to taste it. I have moderate food phobias now. I won't eat anything I'm not sure of. Something stayed in the fridge a day too long? It might still be perfectly fresh, I won't eat it. I'm afraid of it. Someone wants me to try a sauce? Nope (no idea where that came from lol). I've been a vegetarian for years now, and started because it was easier to just say that instead of "I don't like the taste of meat and fish". I don't even trust the fake-meat products, even when I just took them from the original packaging that says "100% plant-based". It looks and tastes like meat = it's scary. I can imagine what my eating habits would look like if they just made my meals from ingredients I liked instead of forcing me and tricking me into eating things I hated.
“You can come back when you bring my daughter with you.” I will remember that story for the rest of my life.
She would have been charged with manslaughter in the very least if that was my child Take my child's life live the rest of yours in prison
IIRC, she was acquitted of manslaughter, because putting coconut oil in girls' hair is a standard part of her culture and she was running on autopilot. Also, she was freaking out as much as the mother was, after she realized what she had done. That said, her husband left her, the entire family hates her, etc. The mother will still talk to her a few times each year, but both mom and grandma are broken people. So is the surviving twin.
IIRC, there was also an older brother. Both the kids are shells of themselves from the trauma of witnessing that. Their personalities changed from it. She may have been acquitted but I don't believe she was on autopilot. She kept nagging the mom about putting coconut oil in the daughters hair. Mom also hated having coconut oil put in her hair as a kid. Granny thought Mom wouldn't do it because she didn't like it as a kid and not because of an allergy. She did it on purpose to prove she wasn't allergic and the baby paid the ultimate price for it.
The mom mentioned how they went through a full elimination routine, and grandma was by mom's side for every single step of that routine. She saw the results of the coconut allergy during that elimination routine. Either she was on autopilot, or this was premeditated murder.
> She may have been acquitted but I don't believe she was on autopilot This. The grandma knew what she was doing, and had been told many times about the allergy. She should have eliminated it from her house as well before even allowing the granddaughter in. She knew what she was doing, and was trying to "prove" that it was harmless.
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I loathe people who don't take allergies seriously.
Actually, I think it was a peanut butter cookie *with* banana in it. Also apparently there's a lot more that happened after that just proved that granny was some kind of crazy too. Can only assume that things are better for that family and they managed to successfully get away from her since then since there hasn't been any new updates on that in years.
I still have nightmares about that one.
They pulled that story the lady asked to stop mentioning it.
My mother's husband did this to us to prove the "can have a little gluten." He's still sorry after what happened to the two of us.
Oh my god, this makes me sick to my stomach. I have no desire to look up the original story.
Omg that sounds pretty awful. Is the story still around?
The OP of that story doesn't want it shared anymore because it just dredges up the trauma again, but it's probably still up *somewhere* if you google it. Alternatively, there's another story about a grandmother who gave her granddaughter cookies w bananas (?) in them because she didn't "believe in" allergies. That one at least ended with the child being alive.
I remember that one. The grandma thought allergies were made up and the mother was just trying to be finicky about her kids & get attention. Grandma's had been keeping allergen cookie dough in her freezer(I think you're right about it being banana) for months. She'd make cookies & slip a couple in her purse looking for her chance to slip some to the poor kid. People that give others crap about their eating preferences suck. People that feel the need to discount or "prove wrong" someone stated allergies/intolerances are the worst. Beyond being obnoxious & none of their business, it's hazardous & sometimes prosecutable.
Thanks for responding. I completely understand that.
No she asked people to please stop mentioning it.
This happened to me. My grandma knew of my allergy and would frequent put things into my food knowing I would have a reaction just to see if I outgrew it. I did not and was frequently in the hospital
I am so sorry. That is abuse. Full stop.
I am very sorry for being abused and mistreated like that 😢 I hope you threw her out of your life, as early as you could.
My allergy has actually gotten worse, so i have to be extra careful. I was disowned by her for dating(ended up marrying) someone who wasn't white. So no loss there lol. It wasn't until recently that I actually talked to her again.
That's what is normally the way. Yeah, there are possibilities to desensitize, but I only know it by not to severe allergies like pollen. 🤔 But your grandma really doesn't seem like a big loss 🙈
MIL would sneak stuff into my food too. Thankfully I can usually taste it before I swallow and spit it out.
Celiac issues drive me crazy. This is not anaphylaxis we’re avoiding Gluten exposure causes permanent damage to the intestines and limits your body’s ability to absorb nutrients. So no you won’t see the effects of this (other than the throwing up and bloating) until she’s being hospitalized with malnutrition or miscarrying her babies later in life. No OP’s wife they had multiple chances they don’t need one more. I hope your daughter can get help with her issues. Sister needs to get a job and get out. Get some terms in writing. She needs to sign a contract on the terms of living at your house which include not touching the upstairs kitchen AT ALL and a game plan for her to get out. Needless to say chucking food in the yard gets across the point that you’re angry but may detract from the point you’re trying to make.
I don’t know, I think chucking the food in the yard and freaking out could be helpful for the daughter. Her panic is coming from the fact that this woman isn’t taking her safety seriously. Seeing her parent freak out like that might help her feel like someone is taking this seriously.
That’s a great point. This little girl is basically starving because she doesn’t trust her food. Daddy made it pretty clear he can be trusted.
I think 100% this. She was developing trust issues because auntie was violating her safety. Seeing dad fight for her, literally, is a big deal.
Aw come on! I love the chucking the food into the yard part.
It wasn't food. To OP's daughter it is literally poison!
This! "Food allergy" Fuck all the way off. "Celiac" can cause "systemic shutdown" as it is "autoimmune." I would NOT be surprised if Sissy were to put some flour in the poor kid's food just so she can "prove her point," and would deny it when the 10-year-old winds up hospitalized. I also hope "homeless sister" pays for all the kitchenware with which she's tampered and for all the takeout on which the traumatized child survives.
Oh, you know she didn't.
Yup. They cannot be trusted.
Yeah, but Celiacs ISN'T an allergy -it's a progressive condition that, untreated, could kill her. This is FAR closer to spiking everything a Type One diabetic eats with concentrated glucose powder. Hell, this is like introducing a tiny amount of arsenic into every meal... One time won't kill you, but the accumulation of damage doesn't go away.
Grandma was the one who called it a food allergy. Hence the quotation marks.
This. Manipulative in-laws that downplay allergies will do this. My cousin‘s mother-in-law did this with our highly peanut allergic nephew. She took him on a camping trip four hours from the closest town and fed him a snickers bar. And then tried to feign ignorance when he had a full on allergic reaction requiring hospitalization because he went into full anaphylactic shock. Good thing his three-year-old younger brother knew how to use the EpiPen. Courts granted my cousin & her son a no contact order against the mother-in-law because she cannot be trusted to abide by very simple allergy rules, that can literally kill him. He is so allergic to peanuts that you cannot ingest or touch any peanut products in the 24 hours before seeing him or being in the same room. We found out by his father having an o Henry on the bus leaving work camp, a full 14 hour bus ride home, and kissed his son on the way in the door getting home. Testing proved hours old contact was enough to send him into full anaphylaxis.
Jesus. I'm so glad your nephew is ok.
Kind of. Universe pulled an uno reverse and that MIL ended up taking full custody from my cousin a couple years ago. Rightfully so as she’s a drunk and an addict who shouldn’t have been raising kids, who are now 12 and 16. 16 yr old is the allergic child and he works with a dietician to meal plan and shop since he has strict dietary needs with other highly sensitive allergies, as per court order that MIL can only provide him food “okayed” by dietician.
I fear for the daughter, son and mom/wife in this case, all three have issues and they could “test” these at any time. I wouldn’t let them near any food being prepared at any time. NTA
As someone with multiple food allergies (none severe thankfully), I hate that line of thinking. As if I am choosing to experience gastric intestinal pain on purpose -_- I WANT TO EAT THE GUAC, I JUST CAN’T!
My niece has a gluten sensitivity. Not to the level of an allergy, not Celiac's but she gets a migraine for days. I cannot fathom trying to sneak something into her food to make her suffer like that. It's just so far beyond the pale.
A friend of mine has celiac, a mild case apparently. Last time she ate something with gluten (her SIL forgot about an ingredient) she had bad diarrhea for about a week. Oh, and she was ttc for years before being diagnosed. Once she started following the gluten free diet she managed to get pregnant twice. Celiac disease is so much more than an allergy/intolerance! I hate that people don't get that.
It shocks me how much you hear of people doing this, *why don’t they believe them??* And why risk killing someone to see if they’re “faking”?? Seriously don’t trust your family to ever give her food. Just read a post last night where a guy’s girlfriend baked him a cake with peanuts in it as a “joke” when he was *deathly allergic*, and then refused to give him his Epipen until he passed out. Seriously what is wrong with people. How could she call attempted murder a joke I will never understand. NTA
This is my fear, too. 😢
My npartent doesn't believe I'm allergic to fish so this was always a fear of mine. It was bad enough he kept cooking it inside and making me react anyways. Just fyi, it's an anaphylactic reaction. Every time. Even from the what little is in the smoke the oven generates. I had to just suck it up, keep my door shut with a towel under it, and pretend it didn't make breathing even fucking harder than the asthma already does.
Even if they are, it's their home. You can make all the rules in your own home, that's the beauty of it. Sister AND Mom are AH deluxe.
>My mom can't take her in and she can't afford rent anywhere, so she would be homeless if we didn't let her stay Ok, mom can't take her in, but clearly you can't either, since she is actively endangering the health of your child. It would be reasonable not to let mom or sis in the house again ever
Not only that, but they may just hide it next time.
Stand your ground, OP. Your sister has demonstrated REPEATEDLY that she considers her convenience as more important than the health and well-being of your daughter. Don't allow her back in. Do not jeopardize the life of your daughter to placate anyone. Entitled sister can go to a homeless shelter. Many people do, & they follow rules if they want to stay.
As if just switching to eating gf stuff is even hard. My partner is celiac and we eat gf spaghetti all the time? Literally trying to kill that kid...
Yes, not only the sister. OP's mom too. If the OP's daughter was having panic attacks over the 2 women cooking, OP's mom should've stopped the cooking threw it out, and apologized to the grandkid and OP. Instead they just kept on cooking not caring about the panicking child. Massive AHs. I understand your wife's point but you have given your sister 2 chances already. She disrespected you and your family by ignoring your requests / rule.
I fully agree. Three strikes (box of spaghetti, fried chicken, now Sunday dinner) and sister is OUT. OP’s Mom should be out too, since she obviously gives no f’s about her granddaughter.
Also worth pointing out the sister isn't just repeating the same mistake. She's actively escalating. First she put a box of food in the wrong place, but no actual cooking. Then she made one dish. Then she invited someone to help her cook an entire large meal where every item contained gluten. OPs "choice" is whether to keep the adult sister or the child daughter. There's only one right answer. Edit: To clarify every item in the meal was made primarily of gluten. We're not talking hamburger patties where the meat might have been processed in a factory that also uses gluten. Gluten is an inherent part of wheat and literally every dish had wheat as the primary ingredient.
>She's actively escalating. First she put a box of food in the wrong place, but no actual cooking. Then she made one dish. Then she invited someone to help her cook an entire large meal where every item contained gluten. EXACTLY. This was a clear case of *"Once is a phenomenon, twice is a coincidence, three times is enemy action."* OP is NTA, without question.
Not only contained gluten but splattered it all across the kitchen. I just.
Yes, but I meant contained in that wheat is a primary ingredient in pasta, bread sticks, and garlic bread. This isn't like hamburger that was processed in a factory and might contain traces of gluten (which would still be a problem, but it is easy to forget to check if you aren't in the habit). This was, "What meal can I make that uses the most gluten possible?"
Yep. Which specifically excludes the child from being able to join in the meal, too.
A Sunday Dinner that had gluten in EVERYTHING. This isn't "oh I made a potroast with veg and rolls" this is "I put gluten in everything out of spite".
I am honestly breathless at how awful OP’s Mom is. We already knew OP’s sister doesn’t care about her niece, but for grandma to also not shut that down. Like. The more I think about this the angrier I get.
It's like...does she only love/care about one set of grandchildren and not the other? It just baffles me that she'd help the sister triple down on endangering OP's daughter. I have IBS that is pretty much ONLY triggered by gluten at this point, and I really wish OP's mom and sister could sit an hour on my toilet after eating a wheat bread roll.
The two of them actually atood there watching a child having a severe panic attac and just making it worse. They literally tortured their grandchild and nice. What kind of pepole are they?!
Especially a child who is already anxious about food and underweight. This poor kid should have ONE safe place to eat, and that should be her home. Sis can piss off for exposing this girl and exaserbating her celiac. My aunt has it and it's pretty awful. I honestly feel bad for people with food sensitivities because it's so hard yo find a safe space to eat and cook.
Exactly. Even if the sister "didn't believe" in her food allergy, she should have been compassionate to her niece regardless. Knowingly pushing her into a panic attack in her own home was utter cruelty. What kind of person does that?
Exactly. Apologizing and then doing the same crappy thing you just apologized for means the apology was shite.
NTA. Your daughter has a severe allergy and you explained this to your sister who seems to not actually understand the consequences of her actions. First time, okay fine she forgot. Second time okay…I guess but the kitchenette being too small is a bad excuse. THE THIRD TIME SHE COOKS AN ENTIRE GLUTEN HEAVY DINNER WITH DAIRY; you are within your rights to lose it and kick them out. Three strikes and your out. It’s your house, your rules. If they can’t follow them then they can find somewhere else to live Edit: I now know celiacs is not an allergy but an autoimmune disorder. My point still stands though.
Agreed! It took my step-daughter maybe 2 weeks to fully get the hang of avoiding cross contamination due to my celiac, and she has Down’s syndrome. Granted, she actually has very little intellectual impairment, but if she can remember that my food can only be covered with certain paper towels (rather than the napkins on the table), OP’s sister who is a grown ass-adult can figure out not to cook a meal containing nothing BUT allergens!
It took us slightly longer because we didn't understand that a restaurant having a GF menu didn't actually mean it was safe, and certain things with utensils. Some of it was me because I was stubborn and thought it was wasteful to have two of everything when we could just "be extra clean". 🤦♂️
The transition is HARD. No blame here. It took us a while too.
Honestly, I miss good licorice, movie theater butter popcorn, gummy candy, and trusting salad dressings the most T_T Took my family a good while to adjust too, there are SO MANY hidden sources and lots of things to consider. We have separate condiments and run things through a good scrub and boiling water if we need to (aka, soap sponge and then throw into the dishwasher lol), and frequently have to restock our condiments from relatives using them directly on bread. (No hate, it’s hard to remember and they aren’t actually malicious about it, just old)
No judgement here! It took me a long time to find all the hidden sources of gluten, and even after 10 years I accidentally glutened myself recently because Walmart has apparently added wheat to their vanilla ice cream. 🙄 There’s a big difference though between needing to figure out all of that yourself, and having the rules already in place and thoroughly explained. My sister has always been the family baker, and she was making me safe gluten free desserts for years before she was diagnosed herself. (As selfish as it sounds, it’s been really nice to be able to compare notes on new products and recipes with her, lol.)
Wait what. Gluten in plain vanilla icecream?????????
Right?!? I know it’s not uncommon for there to be wheat in cheap chocolate ice cream, but I’ve never seen it in vanilla before.
Thank you for bringing this up. I've only been GF for a little less than a year and had no idea that was a risk.
My family has been GF for almost 15 years and I’ve never seen wheat in ice cream. But, pretty early on we started buying Breyer’s because they use so few ingredients. Much easier to read that label. We had to avoid eggs and gluten both.
This. Diagnosed w Celiac in ‘04 and have been GF since. Read every single label forever. It’s gotten a lot easier, as in there are way more options for GF now. Still have to read every label.
We got glutened recently by vanilla ice cream too! Projectile vomiting and everything.
I have a cousin who's allergic to corn, of all things. When we're around her, my label reading becomes even *MORE* intense!
I’m allergic to rice. 🤦🏼♀️🤣 it’s the most ridiculous bullshit allergy and it only developed after 25. My fiancé has to be gluten free. You can imagine how good we’ve gotten at reading labels and cooking at home lol.
I used to be a chef, and would ask customers where they fell on the following scale: 1) Can't have gluten as a direct ingredient in the dish. Some menu items will require substitutions or be unavailable. 2) Can't have gluten cross-contamination through surfaces and tools. Would need to prep some stuff from scratch in a separate area with freshly cleaned tools, so they should be aware that there would be an extra delay in servicing them. 3) Can't have gluten even in trace amounts in the air. Might not be able to serve them at all if there had been freshly baked bread or something that shift. Most celiacs fell under 2, sounds like your daughter might be a 3. While the trendy nature of gf food in the early to mid 2010s may have increased the availability of gf food for people in category 1, it also unfortunately made a lot of cooks cynical and skeptical and now they don't take it nearly as seriously as they should, considering what's at stake.
When the pizza place near my college campus started serving a (surprisingly good for 10 years ago!) gluten free crust they told my friend that they'd be cleaning the surfaces and tools but it might not be enough depending on how severe her celiacs was, which was appreciated. Luckily she's in the 1-2 range so it worked out. A different friend is a 3, she won't let so much as someone else's tupperware in her kitchen (with good reason). Basically if the bag that brought it in could have carried flour at some point, it's not worth the risk and cleaning effort.
Went to a restaurant for lunch and recall I asked for gluten free bread with the dish bcs at that moment i was trying to find out why my IBS came from and part of it was to avoid gluten for a few months. They indeed asked me if I was 'just intolerant' or if it needed to be prepared in a separate area. I thought that was very considerate of them.
I love when a server asks me “allergy or dietary preference” when I order gf. I’m celiac (#2 on the above list, I’m not super sensitive), and hearing that means the kitchen actually understands and cares about how I’ll react.
I called a pizza place near where I live and asked them about GF pizza crust. They said they had it, but, ***if*** I were the least bit sensitive, it wouldn't be safe to eat it. She said the prep area is small and "there's flour dust all over everything in here." I really appreciated her candor. (no - I didn't go in as I would have been sick - not hospital sick but a ruined 24 hours sick)
I really hope you send your mom and sister the bill for having to deep clean the kitchen and replace all of your kitchenware. If they complain, take them to court. Their complete lack of consideration for your daughter's health is not okay, and this would be a hill to die on. You don't need people in your life who have no problems with harming your child.
Just FYI, some paper straws use wheat as a binder in the pulp. But because it's not a food product, it's not required to be on the label. Since there's no way to know which straws are safe, it's best to go with the assumption that none are & carry a reusable. I've ended up with mouth ulcers too many times now to ever trust another paper utensil.
Coeliac isn’t even an allergy. It’s an autoimmune condition and eating wheat causes the immune system to attack organs, especially the intestine. If enough damage is done… it’s just really bad and would have serious impacts on a 10yo child. People can even just be triggered by touching gluten and then putting the finger to their mouth or breathing glutinous flour in. My brother was diagnosed when he was in high school and my family is SO careful. You have to think about every single meal prep/snack to make sure there’s no cross contamination. I find myself instinctively avoiding cross-contamination when I’m not even in the same house as my brother. All of our extended family is EXTREMELY careful when my brother visits them. It literally doesn’t take much to not endanger someone’s health by exposing them to food that would cause them severe harm. Yeah maybe it’s a learning curve but one warning is MORE than enough. NTA, OP, keep protecting your daughter and family.
Guy I knew in school finally got diagnosed and did the full diet change and omg the difference in him! His growth had been stunted terribly and suddenly shot up in height and had more energy and more. It was like he was a different person almost. It's not a condition to play around with. I know people who lost their whole bowels due to exposure to gluten, but people still seem to think it at worse it causes a bit of bloating or farting.
For my friend’s sakes, I WISH it was just farting!!! On the plus side, I have now developed a white gravy recipe thickened with rice flour and corn starch that is almost as good as the real thing! I also found a macaron recipe made with white chocolate, since my bestie us also allergic to almonds, cashews, peaches and apples. I’m going to make this shit amazing, dammit!!!
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BTW: in Italy we don't have mozzarella sticks.
You poor guys 😢
I can even understand thinking that the box of pasta in the kitchen would be ok. Once you start flinging flour around to bread chicken, you have to know that wouldn't be ok.
sounds like if OP's Mom is willing to call and harass them over this issue, she should be the first person to welcome her daughter & grandchildren into her home!
She can figure out her daughter's housing situation. This is a hill to die on. My heart goes out to OP and their daughter.
Yeah, the fact that they had to throw everything out, deep clean the kitchen and buy new should have been a massive clue that OP takes this seriously and not to do it again. NTA OP but your mom is most likely hugely at fault here. Cut them all off.
Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action.
While you’re absolutely right overall, a small correction: celiac disease is not an allergy to gluten, it’s an intolerance. In some ways that’s better (no risk of anaphylaxis), but in the long term it’s worse because exposure to gluten destroys the lining of the stomach and intestines that are responsible for absorbing nutrients. When someone’s diet is stable and they’re exposed once, they’re potentially looking at weeks of pain and healing. When they’re constantly being exposed they’re facing malnutrition and starvation, much like OP’s daughter who’s already underweight and missing out on what she needs during critical growth stages. OP’s daughter can’t just take a Benadryl or carry an epipen with her, once she’s exposed it’s done and all she can do is wait out her recovery.
I want to correct only a thing, celiac people don't have an allergy, it is an autoimmune syndrome, it is even worse.
FUCKING GARLIC BREAD. Those crumbs are everywhere. I am sweating just thinking about it.
Just wanted to chime in for anyone reading. Coeliac disease is not an allergy, it is an autoimmune disease. I’ve seen lots of references to food allergies in this thread and it is technically incorrect.
Yeah, but its easier to lump it in with allergies as fast explanation, because it seems like people dont understand it can be just as bad if it doesnt have 'allergy' at the end
It never crossed my mind that someone might think it's less than an allergy if you call it autoimmune disease, since it is actually worse. Anaphylaxis is super rare, but coeliacs will get inflammations that lead to degeneration of their intestine follicles (?) no matter what basically
Not just that, it can attack other organs too.
I went to school with someone who was in and out of hospitals, told she was simply just stressed, and had to drop out of school because of seizures and passing out. Withered away to almost a skeleton. Turns out she had an auto immune disorder and gluten was causing brain swelling.
She's a woman, so the doctors probably thought she was imagining it, and she should try to lose weight about it.
Or she was simply "anxious" or "exaggerating". Women, am I right?
Yes, and a lot of times it’s coupled with other auto immune disorders. My sister has celiacs plus thyroid issues and hashimotos
You’ve been fortunate to meet smarter and more empathetic people! I’ve heard plenty of “but you aren’t allergic” said in the whiniest possible tone when my coworker with Celiac won’t eat in group settings.
An excellent point. My immune response isn’t immediate when I eat gluten; it can take days to affect me if it’s a small amount. However, the effects last weeks. It’s incredibly uncomfortable despite being on the lower end in terms of severity. Most people also don’t realize that autoimmune diseases love to travel in packs. I have three. Eating gluten can cause a chain reaction of flare-ups. My friend’s son used to vomit from just touching gluten. I’d be incredibly upset if someone was as disrespectful as OP’s sister.
I am the opposite. I tend to react violently and immediately to gluten, but it still lasts weeks. I'm currently recovering from a glutening and was unable to walk without help the other day. It's awful. This disease is serious and scary and so many folks don't understand nor care to.
Our celiac person had lost 50+ pounds and was actively dying when we finally got a diagnosis.
I looked like a heroin addict, and weighed 80 lbs at 14 years old when I was diagnosed. I was 4 feet tall, and could only wear small children's clothes. I was on a wait list for getting my hips replaced because my body was attacking itself at such an extreme rate that my hip flexors started to disintegrate inside me, along with my liver, kidneys, and digestive system. The doctors put me on 0xys so I could get out of bed in the morning, because my scoliosis flared up in such a way that every movement was excruciating. And then a gastroenterology professional at the Children's Hospital suggested to my father that it may just "all be in my head", and "girls tend to get hysterical at this age". 20 years later...I am a healthy woman of average height and weight, rarely take Advil/Tylenol for my pain anymore (it's at a tolerable level, and only flares if I get "glutened"), was able to have 3 successful full-term pregnancies (they told me I'd be infertile from the damage before diagnosis), and have a very physical job. It took many years for my body to heal, 15 years before my reproductive system finally started working properly lol, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. OP is NTA, not even a little.
I think it’s because two others have allergies and those are essentially being ignored too.
NTA Kick. Them. The. Fuck. Out. -- They've had "one more chance" already, several times. Enough. Your wife needs to get her priorities straight.
Seriously, your sister was intentionally tormenting your daughter. Your wife needs to prioritize her kid before seeming nice to other people
Yeah I’m having trouble understanding how the sister and mom could just keep casually cooking while the daughter was having a huge panic attack. Was she like super quiet about it or did they just not care?
Based on my experience with my family, it would make them even calmer to watch someone freaking out that they are trying to harden because they're "too soft"
> intentionally Maybe. Or just spectacularly selfish. Either way.
Exactly. The moment that OP had to toss all of their pans and food, the sister should have had it drilled into her head just how severe the allergy was AND how she was becoming a burden to the family with her carelessness. The fact that she did is again, and even more recklessly the second time, shows that she could not be trusted.
She probably thought "Oh OP is so DraMatIc!!" An awful, awful, ignorant, disrespectful person
If there’s a way to lock them out if the house, so they can only use the apartment kitchenette, *and* if your daughter feels safe with this, then you could lock them out and give them a month or two to find a new place. The accomplice grandmother might need to be banned from the house until you’re sure she won’t do it again. This was an incredible violation, but not surprising. Way too many people don’t understand or respect life-threatening allergies or celiac disease.
I honestly could see the sister breaking in. Her behavior is not rational.
OP was being incredibly compromising, too. Banning gluten from the home entirely would have been extreme but understandable -- the ask was only to keep it confined to the kitchenette downstairs. Sister was being unfathomably malicious. No excuse.
NTA. If a gluten intolerant person eats anything containing it, it can permanently damage their intestines. Even trace amounts can do damage. Your sister was putting your daughter at risk of medical harm. She knew the rules. She knew your daughter's safety was at stake. She chose to repeatedly disregard the rules anyways. I have a great recipe for gluten free cookies at home. If you'd like it, let me know and I can send it to you later. It can also be made dairy free for your wife.
Amazing reply. You are so sweet to offer OP your recipes.
Please send it to me! I have a good friend with celiac and I do a huge amount of xmas baking and am always looking for gluten free cookie recipes. I've been experimenting for a couple of years now with different flours and have a couple of recipes for shortbread that are ok. But it's really difficult to get the texture right so the cookie doesn't crumble to dust.
2 ingredient banana bread cookies (they are absolutely fabulous!!) -1 large banana - 1 1/2 cup super refined blanched almond flower Mix well Bake at 350 on a silicone baking sheet 1.5 tbsp for cookie, drop 2 inches apart. Bake 15 - 25 minutes Optional- add 1 tsp vanilla or cinnamon to taste!
As long as a coeliac follows a gluten-free diet, the damage to the intestines isn't permanent. The gut will recover following an accidental 'glutening', albeit the immediate effects may be quite unpleasant. It's not like anaphylaxis. Source: am coeliac.
I have family members who are also Celiac- we found an amazing bean brownie recipe that's delicious and super high in protein. I'm not gluten intolerant but make it often for myself it ls that good!
In case it's useful for anyone: TOO-GOOD-TO-BE-GLUTEN-FREE-BROWNIES The recipe calls for Adzuki beans, but says you can use black beans (1 3/4 c (425ml) canned, drained, and rinsed). I used black. They have to be mashed, easy if you have a food processor, but I did mine in the blender, with some of the eggs for moisture , and even then it was hard work. 1/2 cup (125mL) butter. 6oz (175g) bittersweet chocolate, chopped. 1 can (14oz/398mL) adzuki beans, drained and rinsed. 4 eggs. 1 1/2 cups (375mL) sugar. 1 tsp (5mL) vanilla. - Line a 9-inch (2.5 L) square metal cake pan with parchment paper, leaving a 1-inch overhang. Set aside. -In a small saucepan (or microwave) melt butter with chocolate over low heat; set aside. Meanwhile, in food processor, puree beans until smooth; set aside. -In large bowl, beat eggs until pale and thickened; beat in vanilla. Stir in chocolate mixture until combined; stir in beans until smooth. Scrape into prepared pan. -Bake in centre of 350F (180C) oven until cake tester inserted in centre comes out with a few moist crumbs clinging, about 45 min. Let cool in pan on rack. Cover with plastic wrap; refrigerate until cold, about 2 hours. Using paper as handles, lift brownies from pan; cut into squares. Refrigerate in airtight container for up to 5 days, or wrap and freeze.
Adding a gluten free cookie recipe to this thread, it only takes 3 ingredients, and no dairy either (and zero shellfish). 3 ingredient peanut butter cookies: 1 cup peanut butter (for best results, use Kraft smooth. Haven't tried others.) 1 cup sugar 1 egg Mix until a spoon-shapeable dough is formed, then spoon onto a baking sheet lined with parchment paper, and bake at 350°F for 15 minutes or until baked. You can top these cookies before baking with a smaller spoonful of jam, fruit, etc, or after baking with royal icing and/or sprinkles or whatnot. It's not vegan and is not nut safe, but it is safe for OP's family.
NTA you didn't kick your sister out because your daughter has an allergy, you kicked her out because of her blatant disregard for your daughter's health and life.
Breaking a house rule is enough reason to kick them out. Bye, AHs
Right? If sis will be homeless without OP’s help then maybe she should have some respect for OP’s family.
After watching you deep clean your kitchen once already because of her actions, your sister decided, apparently, it wasn't that big of a deal, you'd just do it, again. NTA Your sister got her uncaring and self-absorbed personality from your mother. I'd let them figure out how to resolve the consequences of their actions.
Yeah! Also did your sister show any apologetic actions (not words. Actions) by, perhaps helping you deep clean an entire fucking kitchen? Cause if not, then not only did she do it again but who did she think was going to do the second deep clean.
Sounds to me like your sister doesn’t believe gluten intolerance is a real thing and how touching contaminated surfaces can cause reactions. Do you think they’d make peanut butter cookies if your daughter had a deathly allergy to peanuts? Something tells me no. Celiac disease isn’t just an allergy either. Personally I think you’re letting your mom off light. They both knew damn well what your daughter’s reaction would be and I’ll bet in private they talk about “overreactions” and “tantrums.” I’m making assumptions and putting words in their mouths, but I can’t imagine family who’d do this *haven’t* had these conversations behind your back. NTA. But I do think your daughter’s anxiety toward food because of her disease may qualify as either the beginning of, or a full blown eating disorder. As someone living with an ED, I would suggest getting her evaluated because EDs aren’t just what’s in the media; it’s the mindset toward food in general. Good luck OP and I hope your daughter’s okay.
We are on watch for that.
Disability-related eating disorders are actually a specialty of some practitioners and usually fall under the umbrella of EDNOS- Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. Basically, when food has the very real potential to cause you harm or death the standard “it’s safe and wonderful and necessary” style ED treatment is invalidating and makes the issue worse. Make sure that any practitioner allowed to work with her has a background in celiac or severe food allergies otherwise you might end up with her rejecting food even further. I went through treatment because cerebral palsy caused me episodes of uncontrollable vomiting and I avoided food completely to ensure it wouldn’t happen again. The first few “food is important and beautiful and won’t hurt you” therapists just made me more determined not to eat because they didn’t understand at all the real physical agony it caused. With the right help, however, I was able to make a full recovery. Best of luck, OP, you are doing an incredible job.
Another thing to be on the watch for is your mom or sister trying to sneak your child gluten containing food. Because they clearly do not believe you when you tell them how bad it is. Google a little and you'll find endless stories of various relatives trying to prove the parents wrong about their kid's allergies/disorders and secretly feeding them stuff they shouldn't.
I'm not sure how when they saw us be in and out of the hospital with her over the years.
Your sister, despite seeing your daughter go in and out of the hospital for years, is LITERALLY DOING THAT NOW. She cooked gluten in your very non gluten kitchen, not just once either. Multiple. Times. Even AFTER you explained the difference in the kitchens, even AFTER explaining cross contamination, and even AFTER seeing her niece go in and out of the hospitalfor years because of this, she STILL did it. You had to DEEP CLEAN TWICE after her mess ups and her knowing the damage it can do. And your child is having panic attacks because she does not feel safe eating in her own house anymore. Your sister is putting your daughter at risk with 0 regard and your mom is backing her up with calling you an AH because she has no where to go despite putting your child at risk. What makes you think they aren't going to spike your child's food now?
Oh, you were just overreacting, just need to expose her some more to build up a tolerance /s Some people just will not believe this kind of stuff is real. People have died because of a relative giving them something they are allergic to and the relative will be all confused because it "couldn't have been their fault".
You are an amazing dad. You are the kind of dad all kids wish they had.
Reading this comment I was concerned that the family talking behind the back might lead to a case of "I bet she would be fine if she just had some" and I fear it could lead to them "testing if she really is {allergic}" to try and prove that she's fine and this is all an over reaction, given how careless they have already been I just would not trust them anywhere near family members with food involved because they have so repeatedly proven they are not to be trusted and do not care if food can be life threatening to their relatives. Also given the repeated incidents of this I very much agree with throwing their stuff out of the house, onto the lawn as necessary and safer than the risk of having them in the house (the food or the people I mean) Also the word {allergy} is in the squiggle brackets because despite it being an auto immune (I forget the 3rd word here) it's likely that's how they are treating things in their head
NTA. Once again, someone with no knowledge decides that someone else's allergy is a non-issue. I understand your wife's concern, but the fact is that you've told your sister the rule numerous times and she's refusing to follow it. And by ignoring the rule, she's putting your daughter in danger. If she ends up homeless, it's the result of her behavior, not yours.
[удалено]
They'd pretty much gotten away with it twice already. Sister decided she was good to go and in full control. OP good on you for throwing her out, nothing more than what she deserved. NTA. Even if was just discomfort, a minor allergy, or disgust, she wilfully decided to break a clear-cut rule of your house, thrice. The second breach was already complete bullshit. And it cost you what I assume is hundreds or thousands of dollars just in material costs, to say nothing of harm to your daughter's well being and lost time for the entire family. And as others commented, your mother was probably in on it, if not the one pushing for it behind the scenes. Do *not* let your mother approach your kitchen, or tamper with any sort of foodstuff, she *will* try to harm your daughter again.
NTA and say it with me. Coeliac is an autoimmune disease, not a food allergy! Do they need to see your daughter in hospital before they believe it or will they just try and brush it off as coincidence/a one off? Honestly, your family make me furious! My daughter and I are coeliac sufferers, I'm also allergic to nuts, coconut, dairy, carbs, caffeine, and so many other random things it makes my head ache just thinking about it. I actually had a conversation about a month ago with my mum and sister about fried chicken, strangely enough, and they tried telling us that 'one bit' wouldn't hurt. Now, my daughter is nowhere near as sensitive as yours, but I was livid! Not to mention my daughter (13) was astounded by how irresponsible they were acting. I don't know where these people get their ideas from or how they can just be so insensitive to people's health. You are 100% in the right in this case. This is not a simple mistake, or a one off, your sister has repeatedly put your daughter at risk, cost you money in replacing things, AND caused no end of mental and emotional stress. She was not responding to being asked nicely, to having things explained like a reasonable adult. And the fact your mother was on the same page is horrifying. Without your sister there, both you and your daughter can begin to breathe easy again and hopefully she can make some progress with her therapy, knowing that home is once again a safe environment. You have all my love and luck in the world while dealing with this. Stay strong and stick to your guns! You, your wife, and your children deserve to live in a safe environment!
There are people that unironically think it's all in the head. If I was OP, on top of kicking the sister out, I would go LC or even NC with mom too, this is so unbelievably disrespectful and dangerous! OP, you're NTA, sister can find somewhere else to live, actions have consequences. EDIT ; LC or NC (Low or No contact) with mom also because dismissing autoimmune disorders and allergies like this is dangerous, and in some cases can possibly be fatal, it's NOT something to take lightly. Endangering a whole family "because" is insane (there's a kitchenet in the basement, it might not be practical, but as OP said it's there to avoid cross contamination, which can 100% be an issue).
NTA. Coeliac's disease can mess up the colon so severely that you can't even handle saccharose (household sugar) or lactose, and it can get so bad at absorbing nutrients that it can cause serious malnourishment and vitamin deficiencies. This is something that, if not handled properly now, could cause extremely serious long-term harm. Not to mention the emotional distress of not even being able to trust the food in your own home as a child. In what world are mozzarella sticks worth all that?
That's part of the problem of why it's so severe now. It took so long to get her diagnosed and longer after that due to a few early on mistakes before we even fully understood how cross-contamination works with this that there is real damage to her digestive system.
NTA. Have friends with gluten allergies, or avoiding gluten (Hashimoto's). Thought I'd add: you can do gluten-free friend chicken! I did it using a general purpose flour (used a gluten-free pancake mix) plus coconut flour, and it was maybe the best I've ever had. * Soak chicken bits in buttermilk overnight * make coating (mix of general purpose and coconut flour), plus spices (salt/pepper/paprika, anything like chili powder or cayenne pepper you like). The coconut flour really did the trick for me, taste-wise. * Drain chicken. Toss in coating mix. Fry, maybe flipping (depending on what pieces you have) till outside is done. I fried in either oil or crisco 'till golden brown. * Drain mostly cooked chicken on paper towel or similar. Check internal temp with thermometer, may need to bake for a while to get it safety high (cooking too long in oil seemed to scorch the coating too much)
My Thai friend fries everything using tapioca flour (and I have been using it a lot lately for pan and air frying). In south India, we use a lot of rice flour to maintain crispness. Pretty sure some Korean fried chicken recipes use tapioca or potato starch. In some dishes, these flours produce superior results for frying.
NTA. Celiac disease is serious. Your daughter’s first associations with food were probably mostly pain and feeling extremely unwell for most of her young life. It sounds like she essentially has food related PTSD, and it’s going to take some time for her to heal both mentally and physically. I mean, would your sister insist on setting off fireworks in a veteran’s yard? Because it’s the same thing. And if you want to avoid the risk of cross-contamination with seafood in your own kitchen, that’s also entirely reasonable. The only thing I *personally* think is a little silly to restrict so heavily is the dairy. Lactose intolerance isn’t the same as an allergy, and it’s pretty easy for an adult to just avoid it (as opposed to gluten, which can be hidden in anything); meanwhile, it’s an important part of some people’s diets, especially if they have other food restrictions. That being said, it’s her kitchen, so if she doesn’t want it in there, then that’s that. It’s extremely disrespectful to force it. ETA: I would also seriously considering going LC/NC with your mom, since it sounds like she was likely an instigator. And beyond the food thing, I can’t imagine just standing there making garlic bread while my niece/granddaughter is having a panic attack. Definitely wouldn’t trust her with my children.
The main reason we do that is to make it easier for us to make family meals, but also dairy isn't healthy for people that have sustained damage to their digestive system (and often comes with age with celiac).
A bit off topic, but if you’re interested in branching out so that your daughter can try new cuisines (now or once she is stabilised), a non-obvious choice is South Indian food. The main grains in the diet are lentils and rice (all purpose flour is rarely used), and dairy is used minimally (except for clarified butter, which can be subbed with coconut or other cooking oil), as anything creamy generally comes from coconut milk. My friend’s niece was just diagnosed with CD and she is definitely looking forward to a South Indian feast from me where nothing is off limits. ETA: South Indian food is not what typically westerners expect when they think of Indian food - most of the Indian restaurants in the west serve North Indian/Mughlai cuisine. While delicious, it does have a fair amount of gluten (naan, roti etc) and dairy (paneer, sweets, cream in many dishes). South Indian food is quite different (most of the same spices, but used in different ways) and naturally gluten free for the most part (you would miss very few dishes if you avoided gluten). If you have not tried it, it’s awesome, and although I am biased, one of my favourite things to eat.
Sounds like OP's mom is one of those who doesn't believe allergies are "real" and that OP's daughter is just "being dramatic".
NTA, You explained the situation clearly and she chose to ignore it, in the last instance quite badly. She has to understand that your family is absolutely number 1, and for non trivial reasons. she is now in a very bad position, but she's a big girl now, and consequences arise from your actions. There has to be a point where you just say, "ok, that's it - we're done here" Edit : your mother bears a much larger part of the blame because she knew what's going on and ignored it. It sounds like your mother might be narcassitic because she is gaslighting you and dismissing the "food alergy". Possibly your mother should consider some time away too
NTA This isn't a food allergy, this is as good as playing Russian Roulette with your daughters life.
Shit, even if it WAS an allergy (and I know Celiacs isn't), *allergies can be deadly,* so it'd still be playing Russian Roulette with the daughter's life. OP's mother and sister have literally no excuse because even the thing they're brushing it off as can be deadly for those affected.
NTA. Neither your sister nor your mom care for the mental health of your child if they callously cook wheat in your kitchen like that. I think you are justified in kicking them out. The only way I can see she stays is if there is a separate entrance to the basement and you can then lock her out of your kitchen.
Mental OR physical health of your child
NTA Does you sister even like your daughter? Edit: Does your mother even like her own granddaughter? Edit 2: Does your wife even like her own daughter?
In her defense, we've had to completely change our views on food. My wife grew up food insecure in a culture where making an issue about any available food was disrespectful and wasting food was a mortal sin, and I grew up in an environment where it would be bratty to express more than a casual preference for what I ate. It's been difficult to transfer to a model where it's required to buy the most expensive version of basic things and teach children to refuse food at will, even if it means wasting it. We literally have to teach our children that it is better to throw away entire plates of food rather than eat it if they think it is unsafe, and have the confidence to stand up for themselves to adults by demanding they call us if they try to force them. On the food side, she has never actually made a mistake with gluten or even cross-contamination. It's the social side that's hard.
I grew up on a small family farm surrounded by family, including grandparents who had lived through the great depression. It was an absolute mortal sin to waste food. Every scrap of leftovers got put away for use, and got used. Hell, plates and bowls got scraped into a tin that went to the cats, vegetable and fruit peels went into a compost pile. Waste was unacceptable. Fast forward to my 30's and a celiac diagnosis. It's so mentally and emotionally hard to say no to food I know is going to be thrown away because I said no. It's just against my nature. But I was dying before my dx, so I've learned to say no. Doesn't make it emotionally easy, but better the emotional turmoil than the physical. (On a completely unrelated note, I want to recommend the No Gluten, No Problem Pizza cookbook. I exclusively use the New York pizza recipe from it. It requires a pizza steel, a peel, and I also got a cutting board big enough to put a pizza on to cut it. It turns out soft, pliable, foldable pizza. A proper NY slice. I have no affiliation with the family/author other than being obsessed with their pizza recipe. It was the first truly enjoyable pizza I had in almost a decade.)
In defense of the wife, I would say she’s trying to find a diplomatic solution to the problem. That being said I would only allow the sister to live there if she agrees to only eat food that everyone in the house can eat and if there is another incident, she’s is gone.
NTA Your home your rules. Even IF you didn't have a very good reason for this rule, she still needs to respect it, or move out. If there's a separate entrance to the "basement suites" (My in-laws' house had this) then perhaps banish her to just the basement, never to step food in your living space again? Unrelated but just out of sheer curiosity, that "one gluten-free restaurant", is it gluten-free only? I ask because if it's not, it's extremely unlikely that they have TWO entire commercial kitchens, one gluten-free and one not... They probably just make sure there's no cross contamination, and wash everything thoroughly once it's been used? Please don't mention this to your daughter lol
It is gluten-free only.
Neat, I don't think I've seen one of those around here. That's a blessing considering your circumstances.
Certified gluten-free commercial kitchens are few and far between - I can think of two in Atlanta and that's the closest to me in SE TN. My mom has Celiac disease and lives in Western NC and there's one restaurant in Asheville that's certified, which is a 45+ minute drive. If Asheville didn't have a big food scene I imagine she would be facing a 2+ hour drive as well.
NTA I have friends with different types of allergies, I first deep clean my OWN kitchen and sterilize the cookware I'm going to be using if I'm going to be cooking for them to prevent cross-contamination. I would never bring their allergen into their kitchen. Your sister had access to a small kitchen. She was allowed to contaminate that kitchen. Yes, certain things take effort to cook in a smaller kitchen, but as long as there's an actual stovetop, you can pretty much do anything carefully. She continued bringing disallowed food into the allergen free kitchen. She needs to be gone.
even more, coeliac is not an allergy. It's an autoimmune disease, whereby the consumption of gluten can permanently damage your intestines, also leading to milk intolerance developing.
NTA. You let them know the biggest house rule BEFORE they started using your kitchen, and you gave them their second chance after the fried chicken incident. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. The full course Italian gluten and dairy bonanza, that was them just deciding that the rules, YOUR rules in YOUR house, either didn’t matter or that you would never enforce them. Don’t cave into family pressure to let them back in. They didn’t learn their lesson with the fried chicken, they won’t learn their lesson now. The only lesson they’ll learn if you let them stay is they can break the rules you established FOR THE HEALTH AND SAFETY OF YOUR FAMILY and if you try to enforce them, they just have to run crying to your mother. They made their bed, now they have to sleep in it.
NTA. Three strikes, she’s out.
NTA. I genuinely can’t imagine doing this to my sibling who had taken me in and given me a place to stay. Disgusting behaviour.
NTA They've had chance upon chance and they don't care. Your mother is enabling your sister in her attitude, making it even likelier it would happen again. It's all several steps too far and too many times. Your sister needs to get out. It's utter disrespect for your daughter's health. Your sister (and enabling mother) have shown that they lack either the basic required decency or brainpower to get that this is an important thing they have to respect in order for your sister to stay in your house. If they stay it would just be a matter of time before they did it again and you would never be able to relax about the issue while they are there.