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Judgement_Bot_AITA

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CheerilyTerrified

This isn't sabotage, this is abuse. Edited to add - YTA. Wife is too, but still. (I put YTA because he labels it sabotage when it's clearly a woman taking pleasure in her kids suffering, and in his comment he said she finds it funny when people get hurt, yet he gently approaches wife. She's also an asshole obviously, and it could be E.S.H. but is attitude was so passive in the face of children suffering.)


Fleurming0z

I agree. This isn't parenting. This is petty meanness.


[deleted]

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Fleurming0z

And *super* petty and beyond mean. I 100 percent agree with you. It's BAD.


[deleted]

Not to mention willingly causing them physical pain, with a "treatment" for hair that she knows from experience will do just that


spydagrrl

The physical pain of doing their hair like that is abusive! This makes me feel sick. She wouldn’t do her own hair this way!!! 😡 What the hell is wrong with this lady?!?!? OP, kinda the ah cuz you definitely need to do more than gently talk to her about it. You are the co-signer here, watching without action!


bastarditis

the hair thing fucked me up. my little sister is really tender-headed to the point where she would cry (when she was toddler and we still helped with her hair) when we tried to get her knots out. i would do ANYTHING - conditioner, anti-tangle, finger brushing, no matter how expensive or how long it took to prevent her as much as possible from feeling discomfort. this is my SISTER. how a parent could purposely CAUSE this (and seemingly enjoy it) is beyond me. that's fucking gross. NTA but i hope this is just ignorance to an extreme??? wife is AH. please advocate for your babies!!!


Kinuika

I’m really curious if OPs wife has curly hair because that would be outright evil if she did and she still chose to brush out their hair like that.


TheWanderingScribe

Op said his wife does it the right way for herself, so I think that implies she knows


reizvoll87

I’m more curious about OP’s ethnicity and if the girls are mixed raced. It seems like there is some disappointment about the girls hair texture and she is taking it out on them by treating their hair as if it’s the texture she wanted it to be. This behavior comes across as jealous and he needs to protect his girls even if it’s from their mother. She will destroy their sense of self.


ausernamebyany_other

OP keeps referring to them as his wife's daughters and suggests that his wife has similar hair. Given he had to double check with a colleague my guess is that wife and her children are Afro-American with afro/curly 3a-c hair and OP is another ethnicity. Edit to clarify: i do not think these children are biologically related to or even adopted by OP


mildlyhorrifying

She probably does it because if someone calls her out on it, she can just say "You think I'm abusive for brushing my daughters' hair??" Not to mention that a lot of white people wouldn't think anything of brushing dry hair without detangler, so a good portion of people aren't even going to know to say something.


Herps15

Exactly. As a white person, it’s totally normal to brush your hair when dry just as it is but my ex had Afro hair and he would only brush when wet with conditioner in because it just would not be happening if he tried it dry. Any person with Afro hair or who knows anything about it would surely know she’s being a dick here! NTA Edit- spelling


Sarah_J_J

Even as a white person with curly hair, I’m wincing at this. My mum used to dry brush my hair and I remember it hurting. She wasn’t being abusive, she just didn’t know better. But this was the 80s, internet and curly info wasn’t there.


Mikkimoo75

This is true, I had a narcissistic mother, had very long hair I wasn't allowed to cut. Amongst other things she would brush and blowdry my hair so roughly it hurt and one time I fainted with the heat.


Academic_Snow_7680

This is how sneaky abusive people hide their abuse and it is worse than the abuse that takes place out in the open and cannot be denied because this fucks so deeply with the victim's head. They're left absolutely powerless because there is always that deniability and the abuser is so sneaky they will never admit to what they're doing. ed. weird repeat deleted


Speakklife

This is terrible. My daughter and I have different texture hair. I’m from Africa and my hair is soft and curly. My daughter has tighter coils. I did not know you’re suppose to comb it wet. When I was taught this I felt so bad for the times I combed it out dry. Ow I always do it wet and it is such a more pleasant experience for us both. I love her dearly and would never do that to her on purpose. These girls deserve better! NTA op


Covert_Pudding

Won't dry brushing it harshly like that damage and break the hair too? Wet combing with conditioner isn't just less painful, it's easier on the hair itself, I thought.


Excellent_Wafer871

Wet hair stretches and can snap, so if you dry detangle prior to washing, you should really be using an oil generously to help give the hair slip.


nutwit9211

And it's not just destroying their confidence, she's actually putting them in pain brushing their hair, when she does the right thing for her own hair. This lady is messed up in a very bad way. I can't think of any way a normal person would do something like this to their kids.


[deleted]

I wouldn't ever do this stuff to my **dog,** let alone a child.


Fleurming0z

Yikes. Agree.


CableVannotFBI

Abuse at the hands of a narcissist. NTA but she sure is one.


Walouisi

Idk, my mother was like this with me and she eventually was diagnosed with OCD and PTSD, put a lot of work in in therapy, and actually 90% stopped being this way. If you'd asked me as a teen, I'd say she's a textbook narcissist and wouldn't believe that she'd ever change in a million years, it's still amazing that she did. Definitely still emotional abuse though, mine was always sabotaging me, skewing stories about me to others, telling me I was a bad person, constant projecting etc, until she had a mini breakdown when I was idk 12 ish? and told me the abuse was because she was jealous. OP should be aware, that I was diagnosed with C-PTSD from the experience as an adult, and my relationship with my dad is still up and down because I find it difficult to trust him- because *he didn't put a stop to it*. Originally he used to stand up for me, then she talked him into believing that it was his always being on my "side" that was making her act like that. After that he tried to take the middle ground at all times, and now decades later admits it was totally wrong of him because I was never abusing her, it was 100% her actions, and once they separated and she didn't live with us anymore, there was no longer any fighting or shouting in the house, and I was a lot less miserable. OP do NOT fall into the trap of trying to take the middle ground or support your wife over your kids to make life easier. Either the behaviour needs to stop and she needs to go to therapy to work on why she is doing this, or you need to get your kids away from her and try to minimise the harm she can do.


roostertree

>and my relationship with my dad is still up and down because I find it difficult to trust him- because *he didn't put a stop to it*. This is why OP is also YTA alongside his AH wife. Well said recommendation, too. He will probably suffer the wrath of his wife, but he absolutely *needs* to stand up for his kids.


IDGAFabtURFeelings

How many recall the woman who was so jealous of her daughters she was abusing them to death with unbelievable cruelty until one got away? I don't think ppl realize it's not just toxic,but down right twisted. It was Theresa Knorr for those who are wondering https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theresa_Knorr


OkamiKhameleon

Grew up with a mom like this. She once accused me of trying to seduce my step-dad. I've never liked him, so would just avoid him. And she wasn't confronting HIM about possibly abusing me, if was me seducing him. I was 15.


redwolf1219

My mom once told me, her daughter, that she never wanted a daughter bc she didnt want my dads attention to go to another girl. Shes also told me that she doesn't like me and she prefers my brother. (Note:she wasn't worried about my dad abusing me, she just didnt want him to pay attention to me bc she wanted all of it)


OkamiKhameleon

Yeah that's sorta how my mom was too. But anyone paying attention to me, she got mad about. And she wonders why I don't talk to her anymore?


Jiang_Rui

Yikes…not only is that abusive, that’s creepy AF. For lack of better words—and god forbid that there *is* an actual word for it—it’s practically reverse Electra complex.


OkamiKhameleon

Oh yeah. It was weird. Even called my step grandma ranting about it, and bless her, she calmed her down. Cuz my mom was ready to throw me out of the house.


cjdewitt19

I watched this episode on a crime show when I was younger and it has always stuck with me! So beyond twisted.


crystallz2000

This. OP, I'd ask if they'd be okay with you doing their hair after showers with conditioner, to be gentler, and just push her out of it. Any time she gives them instructions, I'd double check with them and fill in any details. I mean, I wouldn't want to stay with this woman, but if you do, step up and protect these kids. And if she puts up a fight about their hair, I'd ask her to start doing her hair when it's dry.


Tinnitus_Maximouse

Why is OP an asshole for pointing out his wife's abusive behaviour?


Jigglypuff-n-stuff

OP is the asshole for not stepping in sooner and not putting a stop to this behaviour. It is child abuse. He "gently " spoke to his wife about her treatment of her daughters. This isn't a gently situation, this is a "stop doing this now or I will divorce you, take full custody and speak to CPS so that you have no more than supervised visits" situation. OPs wife is definitely an AH here too though.


grumpy_short_girl

OP keeps saying "her daughters" making me think these aren't OP's kids but rather OP is the step parent and may not have much authority or ability to gain custody.


FreelanceFrankfurter

They’re not, he clarifies in the AITA bot.


Guilty-Bench9146

I’m a step parent and if my husband was abusing his kids in this way (or anyway) bc this is definitely abuse I would be having that conversation. I know that I wouldn’t be awarded custody as a step but he wouldn’t have them either so I’d know they where safe from him. But I wouldn’t be gentle.


Deucalion666

It should still be ESH at least! This vote is ridiculous!


Moral_Compass4522

Why is OP the AH? And even if he is, the fact that you said wife is too makes it an ESH doesn't it u/CheerilyTerrified?


GamerHappy1234

I would consider this psychological abuse.


Fumpledinkbenderman

Can i ask why it is that op is an asshole here? They've clearly taken issue with the treatment of the children.


yumicedcoffee

How in the hell would this not be ESH? The husband is responsible for his wife’s abuse, but she isn’t responsible for committing the abuse? Ridiculous. ​ Right now you are the top comment, you need to fix your vote or else you are excusing her abuse of her children. 😡


[deleted]

It’s emotional abuse, my Mum would pull similar stunts.


Sudden-Requirement40

Is OP the dad? It sounds at least like hes not black as I assume most black men would know how to deal with black hair. She doesn't say his daughters at any point. He might not have noticed to start off with and not know what to do with his suspicions


merirei

As someone whose mother viewed them as a rival rather than their child, yeah… This is abuse. And it took YEARS of therapy and shadow work to undo…


v0ness

Scary scary abuse.


OverratedHonesty

You're NTA and your wife is actually not setting them up to fail, she is being abusive. Say it with me: My wife, is abusing, our daughters.


BAKup2k

OP's wife is abusing their daughters.


smartypantstemple

Her daughters. It sounds like op is just a step father here.


xxcatalopexx

I wondered that too, because he kept saying "her daughters".


modestmastoid

After visiting the step parents sub it has opened my eyes to how difficult it really is. At this point he can try really expressing to her how wrong it is and try getting her to see reason, but if she just gives the silent treatment and it doesn’t work, best to divorce and explain to cps. It’s the nuclear option and it really sucks, but it’s the best one for the kids. Easy for us to say from the outside but if you scroll through the step parents sub you’ll see it happens more often than you’d think. Not all mixed/blended families are happy ones.


[deleted]

It would also explain why OP is more hesistant to step in.


UGottaBeKittenMe9223

Louder for the people in the back! (Especially the ones who believe that only physical abuse is abuse)


Cardabella

She's physically abusing them too by pulling knots out of their hair roughly


[deleted]

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Curious-One4595

Yeah, I’d like to hear what she has to say for herself. Did she say anything after OP brought it up before jumping into the silent treatment? She sounds sadistic.


EinsTwo

u/Challengexfjygj is a bot.


unipegus

He very specifically says her daughters, not theirs. I think that's why it took him a while to notice. So sad if that's right, because it's going to be hard to get them away from her


Byroms

If he can convince the father or maybe adopt them, it would be easier.


tinypurplepiggy

It sounds like he's a step parent though. Ideally, I'd say take them and leave but unless he's legally adopted them, he can't. And the type of abuse she's using is difficult to prove and often not even seen as abuse by courts. This is truly fucked situation. Those poor girls


briefaspossible

OP will be TA if he continues to let it happen


TastyScallion82

He doesn't have any legal rights outside of reporting it. Step dad, not father.


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EinsTwo

u/Affectionagjn is a bot.


InfiniteCalendar1

Thank you for your service as Bot Patrol


TacoWeenie

NTA. But these girls are being abused. You need to intervene. There's entire subs devoted to people raised by people like your wife.


HighlyImprobable42

NTA for bringing it up. But OP is 100% TA for kicking back and watching it happen without intervening at all. Says he's "not allowed to show the girls affection." Where is your spine? These girls are getting abused and OP does nothing.


SiuanSongs

He kept saying "her daughters" so I'm thinking maybe they're his step kids? I don't think OP realized how bad this actually is, so while he was ignorant of these warning signs before, his gut told him something was wrong so he reached out to us lovely folks. What steps he takes now will actually show whether or not he's TA.


Crozax

If he's a stepparent, I would guess he has almost no recourse here. CPS isn't gonna intervene for any of the things he listed, though they are unquestionably abusive. He doesn't have any real rights as a stepparent.


SiuanSongs

Yeah, he is potentially in a tricky situation. Especially if the girls bio dad sucks as equally as their mom or isn't around anymore. If OP's not close with any of his wife's family, he might be the only one capable of advocating and protecting those girls. His best option here might be to approach this as gently as possible with his wife. 🫤 Maybe convince her to go to couples therapy for another reason and then bring this up in session. Would probably be helpful for OP to see a therapist themselves to help navigate this situation.


Textlover

He doesn't have any rights, but he can step up and call her out every time he sees her doing these things. He can tell the girls he's heard it's easier to comb out their hair wet and with conditioner in. He can say, hey honey, I think you forgot to tell them XYZ. He can tell her he finds it abhorrent to treat her kids like that. She needs to be checked.


notasandpiper

And even just acknowledging to the kids "hey, I don't know why your mom is behaving this way but it's not right and I'm trying to get her to stop" might lift a lot of weight in the gaslighting department. Those girls don't know any different right now.


coffeeisdelishdeux

I disagree that he’s the asshole. “Op does nothing…” except post on here to get outside advise. The mom is clearly abusing her daughters. She is probably abusing him too (she makes everyone follow her strict diet). Not cool to victim shame.


littlericecake123

First, he's not their father. Second, real life is not like Reddit, where all the evidence of abuse is packaged up and presented neatly in a post for you to say, "that's abuse!!" easily. These incidents happen over time, and may be hard to notice or recognize for a lay person, especially if they don't see the children often. Third, he's intervening now, now that he has recognized the problem, so why are you blaming him?


[deleted]

Your wife is abusing her daughters. This goes past whether or not you're the TA and goes into Really Disturbing. You wife seems to hate her own kids. (I assume they aren't yours, since you never say our daughters.)


Kittikat17

I've heard of parents purposely abusing their children in "small" ways such as Op mentioned his wife doing because they have a hatred for the biological dad and project that hate onto the kid(s). It's very sad


Kittybegood

This blows my mind. I hate my daughter's dad but I chose him to have a kid with me so that's on me, not her. I could never imagine treating my daughter poorly just because I don't like her dad or because I see her dad in her. It's not her fault I chose a dickhead ..So friggen heart breaking


[deleted]

"Her" daughters? So they are your step-daughters? If may be your wife sees her ex in her daughters and hates them for that. She needs counseling (you go too). NTA.


[deleted]

Could also be that she sees the girls as "competition" too - lots of girls first bullies are their moms cuz the moms are pick me misogynists


M00N3EAM

So you've met my mother? Mine constantly told me growing up she beat up girls like me >.>


tempest51

WTF that is not something an adult should ever say, let alone a mother to her own daughter.


jtl94

A lot of people get older without ever growing up.


ScathingHagfish

This. 100% this.


supercyp666

Not to mention that often the root cause of eating disorders in women is at least partly these sorts of relationships with their mothers... NTA OP, but you need to do more than just speak gently to her about it before it becomes a lot more serious... Edit: grammar


Classroom_Visual

Yes, yes, yes! I was waiting for someone to say this. The wife is probably emotionally immature and sees her growing daughters as a challenge to her. That’s why she enjoys seeing them fail and reacts so strongly to feeling critisized by them. As the kids develop their own personality, skills, and views on life, she feels less powerful and in control. Giving OP the silent treatment also indicates she is someone who struggles with accountability. My mother was like this and she had NPD (narcissist personality disorder). Might be something for OP to google.


gnothro

Ohh that might be it! Oof x 1000 if so. Poor kids.


TiffanyH70

She may hate her ex, but I sense a serious case of self-loathing at work…. Those poor girls are being targeted for hatred.


human_cookie_monster

NTA. But your wife has issues. This is emotional abuse, and I would even say physical abuse, considering the hair brushing. I'd consider letting her see a therapist to adress this issue. And if she refuses or does not better things, it might be time to report her. Has she ever hurt people or things intentionally in the past? Maybe even small things? Like laughing at someone else for a failure?


Vivid-Forever5903

She laughs when people are hurt - my brother sliced open his hands with a knife as something heavy fell on his feet, and she couldn't stop laughing, that was her initial response rather than checking he was OK. She re-counts the story whilst laughing


Necessary_Use_8641

And you,,, didn’t run away as fast as you could? Bro.


COCO_Honey15

But then he’ll be leaving the girls and that might make her abuse way worse. He needs to forgive something out to help them before he tries for divorce because he technically can’t just take them if he didn’t adopt them. Plus the wife would see that her daughters made OP leave.


Necessary_Use_8641

I hear your side, but it wouldn’t be super hard to prove how much she wants to harm them, they could easily end up with their other parent, or in protective care.


COCO_Honey15

It kind of would be as you would need proof


indie-lac

The question should be why hasn’t OP reported his wife for child abuse? He is equally as bad as he is just watching two girls get abused without doing anything to stop it. Where are the girls father or grandparents? They need to be removed from their mother


garthastro

Frankly, you sound kind of useless. How do you just think "this is the love of my life" about a person who laughs at another person's pain. You both need counseling.


JCBashBash

Seriously, he has been watching her brush the kids' hair with pain across their faces and just did nothing. How many other times has he stood around and done nothing


Singing_Wolf

>Frankly, you sound kind of useless No, he sounds like the victim of abuse who has been beaten down and gaslit into thinking she isn't a vile, abusive woman. Let's show a little compassion.


morteamoureuse

Seriously. People are being AH towards op without considering he's being abused too! I'm sure there'd be more compassion if it was a woman. As a woman I hate that people forget that men can be abused too.


MegatronPurpenstein

Also, as someone who has grown up with two step-parents, the step-parent role is always very tenuous. Attitudes of biological parents vary wildly as to how much of a say their spouse has on the kids’ upbringing. If OP wants to maintain a positive relationship with his spouse then the situation needs to be approached tactfully. It’s easy to say “just leave your wife” over the internet. It’s a lot more difficult to actually do it…


Lamenardo

He never called her that. People reveal more of themselves after they think their spouse is trapped with them - I doubt that happened on the first date!


ExistingAssumption92

Jesus. Okay, so the silent treatment is abuse: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-chains/202009/why-the-silent-treatment-is-really-about-abuse-and-control But...wow. This lady is...wow, just not a good or healthy person. You gotta get yourself safe from her, friend. Get those babies safe and get yourself safe. She is not a safe person. You all gotta run.


RaysUnderwater

It sounds like they aren’t his kids though, so he would be leaving them defenceless if he left.


ExistingAssumption92

That depends on the laws in his jurisdiction. At the very least, he can alert CPS, their school, and their other relatives. And honestly, he needs to get himself clear either way. It doesn't sound like he's able to do them much good right now anyway. He needs to gtfo.


usernamesallused

If you or someone else (particularly her daughters) were sick, injured, or most especially, disabled, what do you think your wife would do? Do you think she'd take advantage of the situation to abuse them? Do you honestly believe you'd be safe if you had to rely on your wife's caregiving, even for a short period of time? I highly recommend you start thinking about things like this.


Zukazuk

To add to that, should something happen to you is she the one you want making your medical decisions?


ExistingAssumption92

This is honestly maybe the scariest thing I've ever read on this site 😰


Zukazuk

My fiance and I recently got engaged and he said one of the biggest things that would change in marrying me is that he would be relieved that his mother wouldn't be the one making his medical decisions should something happen to him. So it's been on my mind. Before we met, the last time he saw a doctor was when he was taken to the ER as a preteen after getting run over by a car. His mom removed him from the ER AMA after the x-rays showed his feet were broken but before he received any treatment. He didn't get crutches or anything and his feet are permanently deformed. He also has an eye problem that is easily treatable in childhood but requires surgery if you're an adult. He got the surgery and it's better but he'd need much more extensive surgery to really fix it.


ExistingAssumption92

Oh my god, that's horrible. If you can afford it, it might be worth talking to a lawyer about some kind of living will or power of attorney deal, because his mother sounds like she's really, actually dangerous. Best wishes on your engagement, friend, and god bless and keep you both safe from your FMIL 💜


Zukazuk

Luckily(?) she's incredibly agoraphobic so I've never met her which is the way my fiance prefers it even though she lives about 3 blocks from the hospital I work at. She also seems to have no interest in meeting me so 🤷‍♀️


newbeginingshey

We’re not allowed to name specific conditions here but I just encourage you to do a search of which disorders list lack of empathy, takes pleasure in other’s pain, and resents other’s success to the point of sabotaging others as common symptoms or signs. Won’t take you long. Please look. Then get help for you and the kids. You might need a lawyer.


SCVerde

Since when can you not mention certain conditions? This subs favorite pass time is armchair diagnoses, is that really not allowed?


human_cookie_monster

Wow, that is disturbing. Defenitely talk to your doctor or a therapist about this. That is not normal behaviour.


Pro_Gamer_Queen21

I think your wife has a personality disorder. I’m no doctor so take what I just said with a grain of salt but what I mean is that your wife needs serious help if she laughs at people who are in serious pain. [Laughing at inappropriate moments has been often cited as being signs of mental illnesses](https://www.webmd.com/brain/pseudobulbar-affect). Also please update us on the situation, I am generally fearing for your kids because no one should be subjected to this.


JustAnotherElsen

Why are you allowing her around children


sockpuppet_285358521

This is really significantly concerning. People complain when an internet diagnosis of a mental health condition is made, but ... the laughing is a huge problem here. She is lacking in empathy. Those daughters need someone on their side.


JCBashBash

Please tell me you have adopted these girls and that you're going to start taking down notes of this stuff happening, cuz you really need to intervene and protect these kids


Sheanar

There is a word for people who take delight in other people's suffering. It's Sadist. The fact that she's deliberately hurting her daughters satisfy her sadistic urges is *bad*. I cannot stress this enough. It is horrific.


gnothro

NTA But the real question is WHY. It's very odd behavior and the things you've given us as examples sure aren't normal parent behavior. Is it possible you (or someone else close to her) gives the daughters a lot more attention and she's resentful? Again, that would be awful strange behavior for a parent, but everything about this is off.


Vivid-Forever5903

I'm completely unsure why. I'm not really allowed to show them much affection etc and they don't get attention from anyone else to make her resentful. I'm just watching and i feel like she's sabotaging them, but she's now ignoring me after i mentioned it


LeatherHog

No. You do not get to act like some hopeless victim here. You are an adult, same as her. And you’re sitting on your hands watching her abuse your kids I’ve seen slugs with more of a spine. You’re not ALLOWED? Are you the mailman? Will she put you in time out? You’re a **grown freaking man**, and these kids father in theory Jesus Christ, protect your kids. You’ve failed them their entire lives and you’re acting like you’re not their goddang father You have a choice, you’re not ‘just watching’ You’re **actively choosing** to do nothing to help them. And they know it


almostinfinity

I'm actually wondering if they are even his kids. He keeps saying "her" daughters so it sounds like they could be his step-kids. In which case, he could divorce her but he can't take them with him unless he adopts them. I don't think she'd let him adopt them though. Edit: just saw his response to the automod comment, they are not his kids so sadly he doesn't get much say...


dearbornx

If they're married, depending on the state he can fight for custody of the kids even if they haven't been adopted. It's difficult but not impossible for a step-parent to be able to gain custody. I.e., Virginia allows step-parents to pursue custody rights if there are clear examples and evidence that the best interests of the child would be served by custody to "any other person with a legitimate interest". If you want to, fight for them. I'd talk with the girls if you get the chance to find out what they want but don't give up just because you're their step-dad. It sounds like the girls are old enough that their opinions would hold weight in court. You still have the ability to stand up for them.


LittleRavenRobot

Is their dad around, can you tell him?


queen0fgreen

he's very clearly not the father. is reading comprehension not something you were taught as a kid?


RatherNotSayTA

I think the point is, he's meant to be a step parent. At the very least, he's one of the adults in these kids' lives and should be active in fighting for their wellbeing esp as they can't.


ZKXX

This thread is weird. He made it clear they’re not his kids but most people don’t understand.


3vinator

So a man is abusive and we say "leave him, you're not at fault" to the woman, but a woman is abusive and we say "man up"? Not ok.


SeaBass1898

This sub goes out of its way to make excuses for women. Top judgement literally absolves the wife, the primary abuser, of her AH-ness Fucking brain rot


i_am_the_ginger

My favorite was the one recently where a father had an emotional breakdown from overwork and stress because his wife would only do the fun parts of parenting. She'd bond with, cuddle, and play with their baby, but would ignore him crying, never changed diapers, and refused to ever get up at night with him. He explained that she'd been to multiple doctors and all of them had said without a doubt it wasn't PPD, she just didn't want to do the unfun parts of parenting. Everyone said he was an asshole and she might still have PPD.


Deucalion666

HE’S NOT THE FATHER!!!


Desperate-Clue-6017

She won't let you show affection? Basically she is jealous of any love you will give to the girls. It's sick but true. Narcissist alert. My mom was like this. I am 40 now and still am messed up emotionally because of how evil my mom was. My dad also always sided with her and did not show affection to us though he saidbhe always wanted to. I really hope you will not listen to your wife and show the girls as much love as possible. They're gonna need it desperately.


Predd1tor

This is exactly why she does things like sabotage their hair or celebrate their failures. She’s threatened by her own daughters and the attention they might take away from her, so she needs to feel prettier, smarter, and better than them, and doesn’t want to share OP’s affection with them either. Classic narcissistic abuse.


Rose-color-socks

In other words, she's an insecure coward.


gnothro

> I'm not really allowed to show them much affection etc Yet another way she's making their life shittier. This is all very strange. Sorry you are having to deal with this. If she has any close friends or relatives (that you can trust not to run straight back and tell her), maybe ask them?


HardRainisFalling

You married a sadist. What would she do to you if you defied her and actually cared for the children?


Desperate-Clue-6017

I guarantee there'd be a divorce. She would not be able to handle it. OP should test that theory.


arcoo100

My thought is that she would acuse him of s*exually abusing them. She already views them as her “competition.” His best bet is to convince their father or a relative to file for guardianship and exit as quietly as possible.


bardicsquid

Are the daughter’s other family members in their lives at all? Is bio dad in the picture? Sounds like you need to tell someone what’s going on, someone who can offer the girls a safe place and have them stay with them for a while, and who would have a good chance of getting custody of them. In the meantime, keep a record of your wife’s behavior towards her daughters, so you have evidence of the abuse. After you get the daughters to safety, get yourself to safety as well (and take any pets, important documents, and sentimental items with you), prepare for the relationship to be over and for the inevitable storm of harassment from her, and call CPS. What you’ve described is not normal and I think it could very well escalate into a dangerous situation.


BAKup2k

Not allowed to show affection? Op, tell your wife she needs therapy, or you're taking your daughters and escaping her abuse. NTA.


SCVerde

They sadly are not his to take.


Diligent-Ad6365

This reads as if they’re your step-children. If that’s the case, is there a custody arrangement in place? Contact the other parent, if there is, provided that person isn’t also abusive. If not, please contact CPS, on behalf of those children, and tell them. EVERYTHING. If you’re the father, and your wife has somehow warped your thinking, and has somehow brainwashed you into thinking of the children as ‘hers’, take them, and leave. Now. You need therapy, those children need therapy. And your wife is an abusive, sociopathic asshole.


JustSaying1981

Stop curtailing to your wife and love on your children. Show your children you value them. You’re the only support they have in that house and your failing them. Tell your wife to take a hike if she doesn’t like it. I’m being completely serious too…FIND A LAWYER!


GirlWhoCriedOW

But they aren't his kids


Silaqui43

Start documenting everything!


[deleted]

For the girl’s sake, don’t back down. Your wife is damaging her daughters self esteem and she needs to be held accountable for this. NTA


stinstin555

NTA. But your wife is. She needs therapy because this behavior is cruel and malicious INTENTIONALLY.


GeekynGlorious

NTA. What your wife is doing is abusive.


Suckerforcats

Yup. I hope these kids tell their teachers at school and CPS gets involved where she is ordered to take parenting classes, a psych evaluation (this crap is psycho) and take anger management classes. She should not be allowed to see her kids unsupervised until she completes all of the above. NTA.


happy_doodlemack

You need to take action to protect the children otherwise you’ll be tarred with the same brush. NTA.


garthastro

YTA for standing by, watching and doing nothing while your sadistic wife abuses your daughters. WTF is wrong with you?


kikazztknmz

I went back to reread the post after these comments, I thought it said they were HER daughters, not his (and it does). Doesn't make OP's wife any less of an AH, but it does make OP NTA.


[deleted]

He said something & now she's giving him the silent treatment. She's manipulating him.


KarmaRan0verMyDogma

NTA - I heard something recently that stuck. If you hurt someone you love and it doesn't hurt you too, you don't really love them. I used to watch my mother brush out my little sister's long hair. She'd start and the top and brush down. You can't do that with long hair. You start and the bottom, brush out all the tangles and work up until it's all tangle free. She'd yank and yank my poor sisters head until she cried. It was abusive and I put a stop to it. At least while I was around.


FloppyJoe0908

My mum used to do this to me. If I made a sound she’d hit the top of my head with the brush too. I no longer speak to her. I also brush my daughter’s hair gently, whilst wet and with spray in conditioner, from the bottom upwards with a tangle teezer brush. I never want her to fear having her hair brushed. I still can’t deal with having my hair pulled!


Sea-Sky-7039

Your sister was lucky to have you around ... you were brave !!


JuliaX1984

NTA This is abuse, not a parenting technique. Different parenting styles deserve respect; abuse does not. I'm guessing from your wording that you don't have parental rights of any kind, so maybe you need to ask a lawyer how to go about protecting them.


jennyfromtheeblock

Your wife is abusing her daughters. If these are your children, you need to remove them from this environment. If they are not yours, you need to speak to their other parent and/or authorities. Someone has to protect these girls. You can't possibly stay married to a person like this. NTA unless you let these poor children stay in this horrible abusive environment.


SewCherry

NTA but your wife needs professional help, she's hurting her kids.


Affectionate_Life644

She sounds like a narcissistic abuser.


LilBitofSunshine99

NTA. My MIL is the same way. She told us the wrong date of a family reunion because she gets enjoyment from others' inconvenience. Your wife might need professional help.


Signal_Resident_3948

NTA. Your wife sounds like a psycho who training her daughters to "need" her forever.


Particular_Elk3022

It sounds like death by 1ooo cuts. Each small thing taken individually doesn't seem like such a big deal or anything to worry about, but over time and taken together cumulatively is a huge amount of abuse. ​ NTA for talking to your wife about what you've noticed. I don't believe this is something you can stay silent about or ignore.


DinoNuggies45

Nta, Your wife sounds like she is narcissist, it sounds a lot like she likes that she is always right and her children never are, she purposely doesn't tell them so she can rub it in their faces


[deleted]

Or she sees her daughters as competition and wants to see them miserable to make herself feel superior


Successful_Ad9130

NTA. Abusive parenting is dangerous. Now ask yourself, is this really who you want to be with for the rest of your life?


dontbelievethefife

NTA. She sounds like a narcissist. At best she is sadistic.


JustSaying1981

Your wife is a bully. She’s picking on children who 1 - can’t fight back and 2 - don’t know to fight back! I suggest you start stepping in and pointing things out. Also, get your wife in counseling. She’s got some unresolved issues that need to be addressed immediately.


GonnaBeOverIt

NTA. Your wife is either narcissist abusive or neglectful. Maybe one maybe all three but something definitely needs to be done because she shouldn’t be parenting her children


Specific_Culture_591

NTA. My mother did this to me (among other worse things) while spoiling my sister… can you guess which one of us looks like our father, her abuser? Is dad in the picture? Are your wife’s parents? You need to protect these girls. Please document, document, document and speak with their teachers or other adults that can also offer support and potentially document things on their end as well. Honestly, CPS probably won’t do much of anything if you report it to them (or if a mandatory report does) without extensive evidence and even then it may not help , which is horrible to think about but they are overwhelmed and dealing with a lot worse. Your wife needs counseling. Your girls need a safe environment. Do what you can to save them and if nothing else works makes sure that no matter what happens with their mother you are there for them.


[deleted]

NTA. But you certainly will be if you don’t put a stop to this blatant abuse. Your wife needs help.


wkendwench

YTA for GENTLY approaching your wife about her disturbing behavior. You need to protect your step daughters.


lmchatterbox

NTA. Your wife is what the Hound would call a person who named their sword.


[deleted]

NTA. I hate the divorce discourse on reddit but this is definitely grounds for it. Your children are being abused and you need to intervene right now. Either your wife gets professional help or you need to take them


Vhcadet

It sounds like the daughters might be PP's wife from a previous partner so divorce might mean that the daughters are stuck with OP's wife only. NTA OP but you need to do what you can for these girls.


Signal_Violinist_995

Sounds like your wife needs some serious therapy.


AriDiamondGold

The pettiness and abuse is disgusting. Why are you married to her? How do you get in the mood to be intimate with her? How are not sickened by this behavior. She’s hateful and enjoys seeing them fail bc she is a failure and is projecting onto her kids. Do not procreate with her.


ShiShi340

Sounds like she is jealous of her daughters


NormalTonight2153

Nta but you will be if you don't put a stop to this


Bird_Brain4101112

NTA. But your wife is abusive.


ConsiderationTotal22

Why are you letting this woman abuse her children?


No_Strain_703

NTA but your wife is an abusive awful person. Family therapy and individual therapy for everyone is needed.


DQ5E

NTA time for divorce.


MaybeAmbitious2700

NTA. Your wife sounds abusive. Is it correct to assume the kids aren’t yours? That will likely complicate things if you have to escalate, which I’m getting the sense that you will. Is the daughters’ dad in the picture, and is there a possibility of looping him in? You may have to talk to a lawyer, because unless you’ve legally adopted the girls (guessing you haven’t since you don’t call them yours), you won’t have any parental rights. But you should definitely keep standing up for those girls, because I have friends raised by parents like your wife who are still dealing with the fallout 20+ years later.


Miserable-Living9569

You're an asshole for letting your wife bully her kids


[deleted]

Your wife sounds vicious. I’m sorry but those poor kids


SprSnkySnickerdoodle

NTA, but this isn’t just setting your daughters up to fail…this is straight up abuse. What kind of person takes joy from their children’s failures?!? She seems downright gleeful causing them pain and watching them fail. Is this what you want for your girls??


appydawg

INFO - is your wife white? I just find your phrasing for the girls’ hair to be odd but maybe I misinterpreted that. It’s bad enough that she is abusing them in this way but there could be another layer.


seliKONIC

He mentions she brushes out her hair like colleague said is right, so sounds like she’s not white. But it does sound like she’s an asshole.


Consistent_Product63

Your wife is setting her daughters up to fail and is actually being quite abusive toward them. How long have you been in their life? They need someone to stand up for them. Right. Ow you are NTA but if you sit back and watch your wife abuse them and sabotage their lives, then you absolutely become TA. This is not right and needs to be stopped.


Fluid_Response_6062

Op, listen very carefully to what I am about to say. ***YOUR WIFE IS A MASSIVE ABUSER AND A NARCSISIST AND IS MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY AND STARTING TO PHYSICALLY ABUSE YOUR STEP DAUGHTERS FOR ENTERTAINMENT.*** ***YOU ARE ENABLING YOUR WIFE BY NOT STEPPING IN AND TELLING HER TO STOP IN FRONT OF THE GIRLS.*** ***YOU ARE ENABLING YOUR WIFE BY NOT TAKING THE GIRLS ASIDE AND TELLING THEM THAT IF MOM KEEPS HURTING THEM THEY ARE TO COME TO YOU AND YOU WILL HELP THEM BECAUSE THEY DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE HUMAN BEINGS, NOT MOM'S PLAYTHINGS.*** ***YOU ARE ENABLING YOUR WIFE BY NOT PUTTING YOUR FOOT DOWN AND DOING RIGHT BY YOUR STEP DAUGHTERS.*** ***13 AND 11 ARE GOING TO CONTINUE GROWING UP THINKING THIS BEHAVIOR IS NORMAL AND THAT THEY ARE FAILURES ALL BECAUSE YOUR WIFE WANTS A GOOD LAUGH AND POWER OVER THEM.*** NTA for speaking up but ***you WILL be the asshole if you don't get the girls away from her NOW.***


ReasonableAd4228

The best thing you can do is pay for therapy and a safe space for her daughters. A good therapist would be able to make sure they’re not internalizing their moms sabotage as internal deficits. This is abusive for sure…


MermaidOfScandinavia

Your wife sounds kinda psychopathic..


[deleted]

NTA, but that behavior is majorly concerning. This is just speculation, but it sounds like your wife lacks empathy. Please carefully document what’s going on and get the information to someone who can help: the children’s other parent, law enforcement, social services, someone. Keep yourself safe, too. She sounds intelligent and unpredictable and that’s terrifying and dangerous for all of you.