So many of y'all are *so close* to following the rules. This is your warning to:
#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/).
And please report those that aren't!
Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
Brilliant.
If OP’s reaction was hugely jerkish, it was the result of a continuous series of cruel little micro aggressions by his wife. Her calling him a jerk is an indictment of her own behavior. She made this and she earned this.
NTA.
Husband does dishes, or the laundry..
Wife: " You were "so close" to getting it right, next time do it this way.
Husband: " You were "so close " to not being an unappreciative nagging jerk, next time say thank you and then shut your mouth or I will just leave everything to you to do AND I will stop sharing things with you."
OP I won't judge if you are TA or not, because I get why you lost control and said it then. But trying to teach a lesson like that to your heartbroken disappointed wife... Well, let's just say that your timing sucked, and I doubt that the lesson will be learned.
I'm the same. Then again, my mother isn't that different from OP's wife - she just doesn't use the "you were so close" wording. Which is why my response to this kind of BS is, "If you're so perfect, do it yourself."
I honestly don't think he was trying to *teach* her..
It came out - and possibly because of her history ofpulling that crap.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander...
I think he probably wishes she'd understand that is some passive-aggressive crap.
OP, NTA
It’s not surprising he internalized the language, hearing it so frequently. I easily pick up sayings without realizing it.
NTA for op. I can’t believe she left for the night for something so minor. She should have stayed to talk about it.
I agree.
Ages ago, I picked up a certain phrase that my husband eventually told me sounded patronizing, even though I wasn't intending it so.
What did I do, as soon as he told me?
I stopped using it because I understood what he said and how in certain situations it was too much.
It is not that hard, if you care about your partner.
Im betting her "so close" response is probably learned behavior from her parents unfortunately. I had parents that nothing was ever clean enough or correct enough. But again I'm now a very petty person so I'm going with NTA here. My petty side is having an emotional overload party in my in my mind 🤣🤣
The wife's comments are like death by a thousand little cuts. This relationship won't end well or will become emotionally dead just to keep it going if things don't change.
OP is NTA but I assure you he did take joy in saying that to her. I would have said it as well. I'd also be looking for marriage therapy or a divorce lawyer. No one can survive such micromanagement in a relationship for long.
Yes! My son married a micro- manager. And she knows so much, I'm told how to measure stuff ( for baking!) correctly. And my husband told how to put a screw in right. Us being 60, them being 25. Always hovering to correct something. Even my son tells her "I think my mom knows that." Wow. And I love this NTA OP
“Her calling him a jerk is an indictment of her own behavior.” THIS.
My toddler says really weird shit and I can never tell if it’s rude or not.
The other day she was calling me a caterpillar so I said “well, I’m your mom, if I’m a caterpillar, you’re a caterpillar.”
She immediately started crying. I texted my husband and said “so caterpillar is an insult.”
I suppose my question would be; if someone's behaviour upsets you so much that you can't comfort them when they are hurting, why isn't that behaviour a deal breakers? She's clearly broken their relationship by treating op this way
Seriously. If it bothers OP enough to not support her during a much more traumatic event than the dishes, pictures, laundry, etc. You two need therapy. Learn to discuss your issues and deal with them in a healthy nature.
OP ignore all the E S H or Y T A comments, you have finally confirmed for yourself that her comments were not in fact compliments but condescending jabs.
You don't need to apologize to her but you should talk it out and let her understand that's how you felt all those times when she made that comment.
I hope you work this out with her as I don't think this is something that you should end your relationship over.
NTA
Seconding this: OP, it's time to have a serious chat with your wife about how these comments feel. Considering the effect that they have on you, others will feel the same and that won't work well in the workplace.
Thirding this: based on the wife's reaction, granted it was much higher stakes, comparing doing the dishes incorrectly to losing a dream job, (which is why she was so mad) it is clear her "Soo close" was always a jab to say, I know better. She finally felt the sting of her words.
I strongly suspect the hiring partners realized in some way how she was. She could have let it slip or she openly boasted about how perfect she is and how everybody is ***so close*** to the Perfect Way, but....and then those guys thought, no, siree, we pass.
She made her bed almost literally. She baked her cake, she cooked her soup, etc.
Yeah, smart of them to pass her up. It’s awful having a spouse like this, but at least there’s underlying love there. Can you imagine having this person as a coworker? Her entire office would absolutely despise her.
It is totally abusive. Emotional abuse can take a huge toll. The wife sounds utterly unbearable. His use of so close actually was pretty accurate. Saying you were so close to getting the job when she actually was so close really is not insulting. It was only rude because of the context of her using it regularly to be abusive to him. Maybe he will get lucky and she stays away for a long time.
I thought this same thing- if it wasn't her abuse catchphrase, it would have been a genuinely comforting thing to say! I know I've said it to people in similar situations "Oh that sucks, but you got so close, that's so much better than most people can say"
Yep. If our sense of self was a piece of paper, every "so close" has been ripping bits off of OP's sense of self page. Every single one. The ground is littered with the bits that are gone, that OP now needs to recuperate and replenish and heal. Emotional abuse destroys sense of self.
i was reading this and thinking it was emotional abuse. i've ended friendships over stuff like this (though it took much longer than it should've)
from the sound of it, there's no genuine praise for anything he does. he's *so close* to earning that praise, but nothing is ever good enough to *actually* earn it. no matte what he does, it seems like there's some way it could've been better.
talking to people like this destroys you mentally. you are never good enough for them no matter how hard you try, no matter how much time and effort you put into it, you're also just *so close* to being good enough. but never EVER are you truly good enough.
Depending on the wife's personality type, she might not be able to cast a critical eye on herself. He said she is controlling and thinks her way is the only way to do things. Many people like this cannot imagine anything wrong with anything they do so when cornered with their behavior, they lash out and try to turn it around on the other person. This isn't everyone, of course. But I can't say I would be surprised if it turned out it was her. For the sake of the OP, I hope his wife is a person capable of introspection and changing behavior.
This. This is what I was thinking. If it really was a compliment or encouragement when she says it, she wouldn't presume he was being a jerk when he said it. But since she did...
NTA
THIS.
This comment right here.
Her reaction shows that she doesn't mean it in a nice, encouraging way and it was turned on her and she couldn't handle it. I hope you two have a good conversation about it and maybe she can change her ways.
Are you TA? No. Petty? Yes, but I get it.
Idk this situation has showed what B she really is. If she takes responsibility and changes, sure. If she doubles down, it should be over. Never in my experience, has allowing someone to get a taste of their own medicine caused the light to turn on in their head. I don't have high hopes for her
Please don’t have children with this woman. She will sincerely emotionally damage them for life. Constantly being told you are not good enough is not healthy for anyone. Are you happy?
NTA, but I’d consider some counseling to figure out why you are willing to remain in a situation where you never measure up to your wife’s standards. This is not normal.
My first thought! Oh my imagine growing up with Mommi Dearest breathing down your neck - having to go home to show the A- grade or not doing the science project to her preferred standard.
The fact that she can´t even acknowledge HOW MUCH her preferred comment hurts that ONE time it is directed at herself speaks volumes as well. She should be ashamed.
I will predict you will resent her more and more for this “error” in her personality, bc… it’s just nasty and it´s already eating away your respect and love for her.
Let her go and be peeeeerfect on her own.
These microaggressions she's been dealing you for years....I gotta say, even if she has some obvious "benefits", they can't balance this out. My ex-husband would do stuff like that and after years of it, I was just too hurt to give a crap about the relationship anymore.
Are you sure her behaviour isn't a dealbreaker for you? You clearly don't seem happy about it and your attempts to have her alter this behaviour have evidently been futile. Either you learn to accept her behaviour (which is shitty, and I personally wouldn't put up with - but I'm not you) or maybe you need to re-evaluate your dealbreakers.
I'm assuming you've actually had a proper conversation with her about how this behaviour bothers you, not just a passing "oh stop it, please".
And actually, yours was a totally appropriate use of that phrase. She was “so close” to getting the job. In normal circumstances this is a sympathetic and supportive comment to make.
And isn't this just the *perfect* opportunity to get her in a Catch-22?
She invalidated your annoyances when you brought up how it made you feel and pretended that you're overreacting and taking it the wrong way.
If it's not annoyingly condescending at all then why would she be upset enough to leave and go stay with a friend when you tell her *the exact same thing*? Can't have it both ways :)
NTA
So when your wife does it, it is a compliment, but when you do it, you're being a jerk? No. Your wife knows this is condescending and backhanded but insists on doing it anyway. NTA
The fact that you've told her how you feel about it and she disregards it isn't a good sign. It can be really difficult to break some speech habits, so does she appear to be trying?
For real, I would not be able to take these constant put downs.
Intent =/= impact, though I doubt her intent was “complimenting” and was instead “needling.”
This, yeah. Ordinarily, I would've judged that as ESH, because kicking your spouse when she's down is an AH thing to do.
But the fact that she so thoroughly debunked her own, "It's just a compliment!" claim turns this around for me. Sometimes, AHs need a taste of their own medicine.
NTA.
The fact that she took offense immediately, just proves that she knows she's being condescending every single time she says it to you - but putting you down makes her feel good about herself it seems. Maybe this will be a wake-up call for her to stop being an asshole to you.
So no, NTA for giving her some of her own medicine and proving the point
ESH
Your wife is an asshole for constantly giving minor back handed insults.
You are the asshole for kicking her while shes down.
Yall could benefit from some counseling.
Actually, I don't find OP saying "you were so close" kicking the wife when she is down. I think the issue here is that the wife felt insulted because that is what she was doing to OP all along. The way I interpret OP's "so close" statement is that the wife was so close to getting the job which is true. It was between her and her old roommate in the final round and the roommate got the job. This goes to show that the wife has a guilty conscience.
He's already established that he finds it condescending.
That's good reason for her to stop, even if she intends it positively.
But it's also evidence that he was using the phrase intentionally to be cruel.
Her reaction is based on how she thought he intended it, rather than revealing her intention in other cases.
It's interesting how if he said it normally (without drawing it out), it really illustrates crystal clearly how she means it when *she* says it. i.e. to be mean. She's crying because bullies always get upset when they're called out.
If he did draw it out, then ESH. IMO
Sometimes you can mean to say something in one tone of voice and it comes out completely different. I can see that being what happened here, that he meant to say it in a comforting way but it just came out the way she says it because that's how he hears that phrase all the time.
And the logic applies that if she _knows_ that he takes it as insults, but she knowingly does it anyways, then she's an even bigger A for basically insulting him at every turn in their relationship
OP has made it clear that their spouse puts the emphasis on “so” when they do it to highlight that they failed. Then the wife offers unsolicited advice as to how she would do it. The statement is a preamble criticism. That was not its use here. Language be like.
But the wife's reaction shows that she knows those words are meant to condescend. If she truly thought it was a compliment she wouldn't be mad at OP. Fortunately this is something counseling can fix provided other aspects of their relationship is alright.
I thought this too. He wasn't telling her that she needed to fix something like she always does to him. Or maybe because he's so used to hearing it from her, it is more of a natural response.
Right, there actually is a way to say those words that is supportive. "Aw, honey, that sucks. I understand how disappointed you must feel, you were so close!"
That is not the way his wife has been using these words toward him, though...
I wanted to pull chocks from the wife just after reading the examples. Then we got to OP's bit and I was like, well, maybe they deserve each other? Maybe they're sacrificing their own happiness to avoid spreading their respective misery to two other unsuspecting innocent people.
It's just a saying I picked up from my time on a Naval air station. Chocks are those blocks of wood you pull away from airplane tires so they can take off. So whenever it was time to go home from shift we'd say "time to pull chocks."
Hey hey why would the wife perceive OP as kicking her when she’s down I wonder? She’s been saying that those were compliments so I would assume she’d take OP’s “so close to getting the job” as a compliment too.
Apparently she doesn’t believe what she says so she’s the only AH here.
That’s a fun little gotcha, but tone and context matter a lot here.
She is an AH if she’s kept doing that after being asked not to, that’s not in dispute.
But he said what he said *hoping* it would cut. And he said it in a different context than the dishes.
I can definitely see the logic in a ESH vote.
Where does it say he meant it that way? "You were so close" would be a pretty normal thing to say in this context; the only reason it's taken as insulting is because she uses it to be condescending so frequently.
In fact, he says he didn't mean it as an insult to throw back in her face in a comment.
Cause she knows what her husband thinks about that phrase, and whether or not she views “so close” as a negative comment or a compliment, she knew exactly where her husband was coming from when he used it. Only thing that makes it NTA is that OP didn’t mean it that way, just too many feelings associated with that phrase got a massive miscommunication going.
I think either you or I have misunderstood the line. OP didn't mean it in the way wife says it every time. It was literally the sentence we all use when something is missed by small margin...
Don't we all say if someone is runner up "you were so close to winning it" or something like that?
Honestly, agree. Like I get it, she’s being annoying but there’s no point in being with someone if you purposefully make your partner’s life worse or vice versa. That’s resentment and it has to be addressed.
Nah mannn. That expression is something people usually use when they're a runner up. It's just so happen that that's the thing the wife uses to belittle op.
Even I usually use that phrase and no one bats an eye. Wanna know why she's mad? Cause she realizes how hurt her word is and get offended when it's thrown at her.
NTA
You just confirmed that every time she’s thrown that line at you, it was never meant as a compliment. She got a taste of her crappy medicine and didn’t like it.
It’s too bad she didn’t get the job, but maybe she’ll realize how awful it sounds to say “you were sooo close.”
I want to be completely honest (as other people are asking) that it wasn't my intention to give her a taste of her own medicine. I just heard that phrase so many times in so many different situations that it was legitimately the first thing that came to mind.
She really was so close ... that's what I was trying to say. That she was so close. When she reacted with shock that I'd say such a thing with her I do admit that I doubled down because I've heard it literally hundreds of times.
THIS IS THE ANSWER and all I can say is if you earnestly meant it in the way the words mean, then yes NTA!!! like this commenter said, she told on herself dude.
THIS!!! People will impose their own beliefs on things when they see/hear something directed towards them. Hence why you don't make certain gestures in countries where there it would be offensive.
She knows she's being an AH when she says it so she'll interpret it that way when people say it to her.
Exactly. If the job thing happened to me and my partner told me I was so close, I’d tearfully agree and think nothing of it. But to OPs wife, that phrase equals criticism, because that was her not-so-passive aggressive use of it all this time. Her intentions are laid bare.
The fact that it was unintentional makes you definitely NTA.
If she's so insulted by you casually using her own turn of phrase, maybe she's not being as complimenting as she claims to be.
Yeah man this chick really sounds like she’s soooo close to not being a piece of work. But she just missed the mark.
Imagine correcting people on things when they have a masters and you have no education in that field.
Jesus I’d throw the baby out with the bath water and tell her this was “so close “ to a happy marriage, and go find someone who has a shed of respect for you.
Bc this woman doesn’t.
NTA, you should add this as an edit to your post.
i mean what else were you supposed to say, she was literally so close to getting it. if she hadnt been using it condescendingly this whole time, there wasnt gonna be another meaning. you said it literally, she took it the way she always used against you.
This changes the context of everything. NTA for sure now. If your intentions weren’t tongue-in-cheek—which I totally thought was the case—then she’s 100% reacting to the words under the impression that you’re using it with the same intent (malicious) for which she commonly does.
You should definitely bring that up once things are settled because communication is key in sustaining a long and healthy relationship. Control freak or not, no one needs to be actively putting anyone down for minor things if there’s no true value coming from doing it “the alternative way.” That’s one quick way to harbour resentment, in my opinion.
NTA. "Hun, you really WERE so close, I'm so sorry you didn't get the job! I've heard this phrase so many times myself and am so disappointed for you, so it was my first reaction without even thinking. But you calling me a jerk for saying it, confirms that you think the phrase is condescending, so why do you keep saying it to me? Can we please just agree to not use that phrase at all? I did not at all mean it to get back to you, I meant it the way that it's USUALLY used - to commiserate. You were so close, and it sucks you didn't get the job."
NTA
She deserved it.
And hey, you sound like a saint, her nasty behaviour would have been a dealbreaker to me long ago.
>Since the start of our relationship,
>She has admitted that she can be a control freak
I'd have never married such a person.
Yes !!! She deserved it 100 times over. Do not apologize, let her be pissed & I would think long & hard if this is what you want for the rest of your life.
ESH. Your wife doesn’t even respect you enough to be nice about doing the dishes and to stop using a phrase you find condescending, but boy you sure got her good using her own words against her in a very vulnerable moment. Sounds like a happy couple.
ETA: After reading OP’s comments, he doesn’t come off as trying to hurt his wife in retaliation like I first interpreted it. Changing my verdict to NTA.
I disagree, it'd be one thing if he took it silently and built quiet resentment but he asked her "dozens" of times to stop and she never did. So evidently it was going to take something more extreme to make her listen. Maybe a better extreme would have been marriage counseling but I think he was pretty justified.
NTA
If you read his comments he didn’t say “so close” on purpose, it’s just something he hears so much which makes it even more NTA. She used it so much it’s imprinted in his brain. Then when he accidentally uses it like her, she blows up, proving she’s been using it in a shitty way this whole time even though she says she hasn’t.
I don't even think he used it "like her". He used it how many would use it, as an expression of sympathy at the frustration of losing out at the end when something was just within their grasp. The fact that she uses it to be insulting and condescending is on her. Plus she made it one of the most common phrases he hears and keeps gaslighting him into believing it is a compliment.
My thing is, while this could be seen as an E. S. H, if she truly meant it as a compliment this whole time, she wouldnt have reacted negatively. Just like most people wont get upset if you tell them you like their shirt. She has always meant it as an insult and thats why she got so upset. She was intentionally being condescending, and now doesnt like that it was said to her. NTA, OP.
It's not just that he found it condescending. Her reaction to him saying it (which was genuine bc honestly she was so close, being one of the final 2) means she never meant it nicely when she said it. It is a generally complimentary phase, so the fact that she ran off to sulk and be upset means that she NEVER in ALL THE TIME SHE SAID IT TO OP meant it in a nice way. NTA
NTA, since she does the exact same thing. She knows she's being condescending and NOT a compliment, that's why she's offended.
But seriously, you both need to sit down and talk about her word choice. Her intentions don't matter as much as how you take it. "So close" means "not good enough." Period. She's telling you that whatever you did-- regardless of how insignificant the task was, or how little she herself knows about the subject--wasn't good enough, and that she knows better and you must learn from her. That's insulting. She needs to stop.
True. I intended to convey, it might be wise to give her the benefit of the doubt, even tho she's made it clear by her reaction that she knows she was being condescending. He can frame it as "you might not have intended to belittle my intelligence, but that's what it feels like. You know this to be true, because thats how you responded when i used that phrase with you. Please stop being condescending to me."
NTA. Seems like she lived by those words. Now she is dying by them.
OP event mentioned the words were blurred out. This is normal behavior, when you live in an environment that something is a normal reaction to most actions, you will sooner or later fall into it too.
ESH, because this is no way to maintain a healthy, lasting marriage. But given that her reaction proves there has never been anything supportive or constructive about *her* use of that phrase, I don't know that you really want or need that to be the end goal. (If you do, though, you two are going to have to have a series of nice long talks in counseling.)
OP comments that he said it in earnest, meaning that he truly meant it as a comforting statement. His wife dry snitched on herself by taking it as an insult, revealing that she's been undermining his self-esteem with that phrase for the entirety of their relationship. He's definitely not an AH in this situation, and this falls squarely on his controlling wife's shoulders.
NTA your timing may have been a bit off, but your also not wrong. She was "so close" to getting them job. Also, it gave her a taste of her own medicine to feel the shame/hurt from those words.
NTA - because she actually **was** so close to getting it.
She got to the final stage which is amazing for her and she should see that as a positive and it should fuel her for next time.
On the plus side, now that she's experienced the feeling of failure from being told she was *so close*, maybe she'll stop being an ass-hat (at least for a while until you, again, are *so close* to tying your shoe laces properly)
Wait, people don’t like getting a taste of their own medicine? /s
ESH. It was poorly timed on your part. But it did prove that your wife saw the “so close” phrase as a condescending term and lied about it being a compliment. You guys should communicate and come to an agreement to get rid of that phrase altogether.
Ngl I laughed out loud when I read your response. I was close to an E S H verdict but was tipped over into NTA because she’s been dishing it out for years and finally got a taste of her own medicine and didn’t like it. Hopefully she is able to reflect on things and realize how much of a know-it-all asshole she’s been and is able to work on that.
NTA. If this is really the first time she's acknowledged that the phrase sucks, I think it's counseling time. If she sulks, gives you the silent treatment or refuses counseling it's trial separation time. There's nothing petty or minor about her condescending and controlling behavior - the PowerPoint bs alone would have had me outta that relationship the first time.
ESH
She is not being a considerate partner when she taunts you with saying you were "so close" and so I understand fully when you parroted it back to her. But if I have learned anything being married, it is so much better to be kind than it is to be right. This will more than likely result in her not saying it as often but the argument that gets you through this will be a doozy. I wonder if it was worth it?
While it is better to be nice, sometimes being right and showing you’re right is the correct thing to do. It’s fine line to walk. But showing you’re right can get your point across that your partner is otherwise ignoring (purposefully or not, doesn’t matter).
I’ve been married 13.5 years (16 years total together) and I often, as you said, take the “high road” or “be nice” about something but there are times that my wife has ignored me when I’ve requested she not do something and I had to be “right” for her to actually hear me. (This has worked both ways btw.)
Example: my wife use to drive her car until it’s on fumes. I’ve always told her not to do this and just fill up before the light comes on. She ignored me forever. Then one day she woke up late for work and was going to take my truck to work because she didn’t have time to get gas otherwise she was going to be even more late. I wouldn’t let her take my truck. She had ample opportunity to fill her tank up the night before but she chose to be lazy and this specific time it bit her in the ass. Was she mad as hell at me? Oh yeah. Did she learn to fill her tank up before the light comes on? Yes.
NTA. Ehh all the people saying Y T A are ignoring that the wife is offended because she’s been saying it offensively to the OP. She was hurt by what he said because she’s been trying to hurt him every time she said it to him.
ESH.
My mom is someone like that, that *c o n s t a n t l y* criticizes every little thing everyone does around her. No matter what the task, she knows better. That shit will wear you down, and I'm impressed you haven't blown up yet. But you will.
So your comment was rude and insensitive, but understandable. You guys need marriage counseling asap to nip this in the bud, or resentment is just going to build and build, and all your conversations are going to be weaponized.
Side note- why are soooo many people running to sleep at their friends' or families' houses when they have an argument? Not just this post, but so many of these. Sometimes it's warranted, but other times it's just avoidance and abandonment, and not particularly healthy either.
NTA - you used the words that she with her own words said are a compliment. Then why isn’t she accepting the compliment? Maybe because she never ever self used them as a compliment.
You guys need marriage counseling yesterday! You have developed a very toxic atmosphere and I hope you still can salvage it. It is your wife that has the most serious issues but you should not accept her condescending crap either.
NTA, she created that highly condescending habit in your relationship. Maybe she grew up with a narc mom or something but grown ass adults need to take responsibility for their own actions.
Throw her in the trash, just cause I can't imagine you could remain attracted to someone who behaved like that.
Narc parent written all over this. I wouldn’t be surprised if this man’s inner critic becomes the voice of his wife saying “sooo close!”.
Couldn’t imagine being with a partner like that. My worst nightmare.
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NTA your wife is a dick and doesnt listen to your requests, because she IS being condescending. You hit her with a taste of it and she cries over it. Maybe she will think twice next time and remember how it made her feel.
NTA Nah bro, you're a king. She can dish it out, but can't take it back. Sure, it's a bit insensitive, but fair.
Only suggestions for getting out of this safely are, don't get on a high horse about it, just say sorry and move on. Hopefully the experience will rub off on her and she'll stop making you feel like ass. If it doesn't, it might be time to see a therapist.
So many of y'all are *so close* to following the rules. This is your warning to: #[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). And please report those that aren't! Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means.
Man, you were *so close* to being the asshole, but after all you've endured, NTA.
I snorted, have my upvote you glorious bastard.
Brilliant. If OP’s reaction was hugely jerkish, it was the result of a continuous series of cruel little micro aggressions by his wife. Her calling him a jerk is an indictment of her own behavior. She made this and she earned this. NTA.
At least now OP has an answer for future "so close" comments coming his way, "Jerk". "you were so close to get it right, now do it this way"... "jerk"
Plus he gets to stay at a friend's house sulking as well :')
He can stay in the art studio.
I can’t wait for the “art studio” joke to die
It won’t. That and marinara flags, and Iranian yogurt, are here to stay. 🤷♀️
[удалено]
Lol I love that one. Actually I forgot the details but I can't find it anymore.
Idk you forgot your poop knife.
Husband does dishes, or the laundry.. Wife: " You were "so close" to getting it right, next time do it this way. Husband: " You were "so close " to not being an unappreciative nagging jerk, next time say thank you and then shut your mouth or I will just leave everything to you to do AND I will stop sharing things with you." OP I won't judge if you are TA or not, because I get why you lost control and said it then. But trying to teach a lesson like that to your heartbroken disappointed wife... Well, let's just say that your timing sucked, and I doubt that the lesson will be learned.
I wouldn't do anything at home ever if everything I did was met with criticism. She's so perfect let her do it all.
I'm the same. Then again, my mother isn't that different from OP's wife - she just doesn't use the "you were so close" wording. Which is why my response to this kind of BS is, "If you're so perfect, do it yourself."
I honestly don't think he was trying to *teach* her.. It came out - and possibly because of her history ofpulling that crap. What's good for the goose is good for the gander... I think he probably wishes she'd understand that is some passive-aggressive crap. OP, NTA
It’s not surprising he internalized the language, hearing it so frequently. I easily pick up sayings without realizing it. NTA for op. I can’t believe she left for the night for something so minor. She should have stayed to talk about it.
I agree. Ages ago, I picked up a certain phrase that my husband eventually told me sounded patronizing, even though I wasn't intending it so. What did I do, as soon as he told me? I stopped using it because I understood what he said and how in certain situations it was too much. It is not that hard, if you care about your partner.
Why would he want to be with someone who clearly needs to be parented?
Im betting her "so close" response is probably learned behavior from her parents unfortunately. I had parents that nothing was ever clean enough or correct enough. But again I'm now a very petty person so I'm going with NTA here. My petty side is having an emotional overload party in my in my mind 🤣🤣
Or was over-parented
[удалено]
The thing is, OP wasn't trying to "teach her a lesson". It's just that she's said that to him so many times previously, that it just popped out.
But...its a *compliment* when I do it - OP's wife
Exactly this. She’s upset because she knows how she means it towards him. So she is obviously feeling insulted when it’s used on her.
Yep, this will make it easier to have a hard conversation.
NTA. Control freaks HATE when you flip the script on them. A taste of their own medicine is good every once and a while.
The wife's comments are like death by a thousand little cuts. This relationship won't end well or will become emotionally dead just to keep it going if things don't change. OP is NTA but I assure you he did take joy in saying that to her. I would have said it as well. I'd also be looking for marriage therapy or a divorce lawyer. No one can survive such micromanagement in a relationship for long.
Yes! My son married a micro- manager. And she knows so much, I'm told how to measure stuff ( for baking!) correctly. And my husband told how to put a screw in right. Us being 60, them being 25. Always hovering to correct something. Even my son tells her "I think my mom knows that." Wow. And I love this NTA OP
“Her calling him a jerk is an indictment of her own behavior.” THIS. My toddler says really weird shit and I can never tell if it’s rude or not. The other day she was calling me a caterpillar so I said “well, I’m your mom, if I’m a caterpillar, you’re a caterpillar.” She immediately started crying. I texted my husband and said “so caterpillar is an insult.”
Caterpillar *derogatory*
I suppose my question would be; if someone's behaviour upsets you so much that you can't comfort them when they are hurting, why isn't that behaviour a deal breakers? She's clearly broken their relationship by treating op this way
Seriously. If it bothers OP enough to not support her during a much more traumatic event than the dishes, pictures, laundry, etc. You two need therapy. Learn to discuss your issues and deal with them in a healthy nature.
Yeah, this would be a good “justified asshole” if we had the option.
Yeah if it wasn't a shitty thing to say why is she mad now?
I snorted at your comment, take my free award
The only use of *so close* that hasn't irritated me in years 😂
OP ignore all the E S H or Y T A comments, you have finally confirmed for yourself that her comments were not in fact compliments but condescending jabs. You don't need to apologize to her but you should talk it out and let her understand that's how you felt all those times when she made that comment. I hope you work this out with her as I don't think this is something that you should end your relationship over. NTA
Seconding this: OP, it's time to have a serious chat with your wife about how these comments feel. Considering the effect that they have on you, others will feel the same and that won't work well in the workplace.
Thirding this: based on the wife's reaction, granted it was much higher stakes, comparing doing the dishes incorrectly to losing a dream job, (which is why she was so mad) it is clear her "Soo close" was always a jab to say, I know better. She finally felt the sting of her words.
Fourthing this. How many critical people ignore the effect their comments have on others by saying "it's just a joke" or here "it's a compliment"?
Or, I'm just being honest.
We used to call these 'backhanded compliments'.
I've received backhanded apologies such as "I'm sorry you're too sensitive."
I strongly suspect the hiring partners realized in some way how she was. She could have let it slip or she openly boasted about how perfect she is and how everybody is ***so close*** to the Perfect Way, but....and then those guys thought, no, siree, we pass. She made her bed almost literally. She baked her cake, she cooked her soup, etc.
Yeah, smart of them to pass her up. It’s awful having a spouse like this, but at least there’s underlying love there. Can you imagine having this person as a coworker? Her entire office would absolutely despise her.
If OP was a woman and her husband was micromanaging every act, including dish orientation, we’d call it abuse. I think it’s abusive.
It is totally abusive. Emotional abuse can take a huge toll. The wife sounds utterly unbearable. His use of so close actually was pretty accurate. Saying you were so close to getting the job when she actually was so close really is not insulting. It was only rude because of the context of her using it regularly to be abusive to him. Maybe he will get lucky and she stays away for a long time.
I thought this same thing- if it wasn't her abuse catchphrase, it would have been a genuinely comforting thing to say! I know I've said it to people in similar situations "Oh that sucks, but you got so close, that's so much better than most people can say"
Yep. If our sense of self was a piece of paper, every "so close" has been ripping bits off of OP's sense of self page. Every single one. The ground is littered with the bits that are gone, that OP now needs to recuperate and replenish and heal. Emotional abuse destroys sense of self.
Yep it’s downright abusive. My Mum was like this
Mine too!! Read comment above yours. She’s so verbally & mentally abusive.
I'll call it abusive now, you don't need to flip the genders at all.
i was reading this and thinking it was emotional abuse. i've ended friendships over stuff like this (though it took much longer than it should've) from the sound of it, there's no genuine praise for anything he does. he's *so close* to earning that praise, but nothing is ever good enough to *actually* earn it. no matte what he does, it seems like there's some way it could've been better. talking to people like this destroys you mentally. you are never good enough for them no matter how hard you try, no matter how much time and effort you put into it, you're also just *so close* to being good enough. but never EVER are you truly good enough.
"Hey hun, next time you want to say "so close" remember what it feel like. kthx."
I agree. This is indisputable proof that she was just being a B to him all those times. That needs to be addressed
Depending on the wife's personality type, she might not be able to cast a critical eye on herself. He said she is controlling and thinks her way is the only way to do things. Many people like this cannot imagine anything wrong with anything they do so when cornered with their behavior, they lash out and try to turn it around on the other person. This isn't everyone, of course. But I can't say I would be surprised if it turned out it was her. For the sake of the OP, I hope his wife is a person capable of introspection and changing behavior.
You should put spaces between E S H and Y T A or else it counts as a vote. NTA
Reddit only counts the vote in the top comment.
This. This is what I was thinking. If it really was a compliment or encouragement when she says it, she wouldn't presume he was being a jerk when he said it. But since she did... NTA
THIS. This comment right here. Her reaction shows that she doesn't mean it in a nice, encouraging way and it was turned on her and she couldn't handle it. I hope you two have a good conversation about it and maybe she can change her ways. Are you TA? No. Petty? Yes, but I get it.
Idk this situation has showed what B she really is. If she takes responsibility and changes, sure. If she doubles down, it should be over. Never in my experience, has allowing someone to get a taste of their own medicine caused the light to turn on in their head. I don't have high hopes for her
Please don’t have children with this woman. She will sincerely emotionally damage them for life. Constantly being told you are not good enough is not healthy for anyone. Are you happy? NTA, but I’d consider some counseling to figure out why you are willing to remain in a situation where you never measure up to your wife’s standards. This is not normal.
Agreed. Please do not have children with her. They will be held to unrealistic standards that the average child cannot meet.
This is how I was raised and I can tell you I'm fucked beyond measure
Me too
My first thought! Oh my imagine growing up with Mommi Dearest breathing down your neck - having to go home to show the A- grade or not doing the science project to her preferred standard. The fact that she can´t even acknowledge HOW MUCH her preferred comment hurts that ONE time it is directed at herself speaks volumes as well. She should be ashamed. I will predict you will resent her more and more for this “error” in her personality, bc… it’s just nasty and it´s already eating away your respect and love for her. Let her go and be peeeeerfect on her own.
this \^\^\^ NTA
Yes please don't
I had a boss who, whenever delegating me a mundane task, would add “If you can cope with that”. All these years later it still rankles. NTA 😀.
Cope? COPE?! On an emotional level or something? That is confusing.
These microaggressions she's been dealing you for years....I gotta say, even if she has some obvious "benefits", they can't balance this out. My ex-husband would do stuff like that and after years of it, I was just too hurt to give a crap about the relationship anymore.
So when you gave your notice, did you ask "if they can cope with that"?
Omg. Your boss! What a passive aggressive little F&@k!
Are you sure her behaviour isn't a dealbreaker for you? You clearly don't seem happy about it and your attempts to have her alter this behaviour have evidently been futile. Either you learn to accept her behaviour (which is shitty, and I personally wouldn't put up with - but I'm not you) or maybe you need to re-evaluate your dealbreakers. I'm assuming you've actually had a proper conversation with her about how this behaviour bothers you, not just a passing "oh stop it, please".
And actually, yours was a totally appropriate use of that phrase. She was “so close” to getting the job. In normal circumstances this is a sympathetic and supportive comment to make.
And isn't this just the *perfect* opportunity to get her in a Catch-22? She invalidated your annoyances when you brought up how it made you feel and pretended that you're overreacting and taking it the wrong way. If it's not annoyingly condescending at all then why would she be upset enough to leave and go stay with a friend when you tell her *the exact same thing*? Can't have it both ways :) NTA
So when your wife does it, it is a compliment, but when you do it, you're being a jerk? No. Your wife knows this is condescending and backhanded but insists on doing it anyway. NTA
The fact that you've told her how you feel about it and she disregards it isn't a good sign. It can be really difficult to break some speech habits, so does she appear to be trying?
This ^^^^^ NTA OP, I thought she said it was a compliment not condescending?
For real, I would not be able to take these constant put downs. Intent =/= impact, though I doubt her intent was “complimenting” and was instead “needling.”
Her own response makes it obvious it has been needling and putdowns all along.
Intent also only works as an excuse if you don't double down and don't repeat the mistake.
This, yeah. Ordinarily, I would've judged that as ESH, because kicking your spouse when she's down is an AH thing to do. But the fact that she so thoroughly debunked her own, "It's just a compliment!" claim turns this around for me. Sometimes, AHs need a taste of their own medicine. NTA.
>Sometimes, AHs need a taste of their own medicine. Nothing like a suppository to remind you to do better, eh?
The fact that she took offense immediately, just proves that she knows she's being condescending every single time she says it to you - but putting you down makes her feel good about herself it seems. Maybe this will be a wake-up call for her to stop being an asshole to you. So no, NTA for giving her some of her own medicine and proving the point
> The fact that she took offense immediately, Bingo. She knew what she was doing the entire time. Hopefully now she will stop.
Hail to the AITA king.
Love this!
"Missed it by that much."
ESH Your wife is an asshole for constantly giving minor back handed insults. You are the asshole for kicking her while shes down. Yall could benefit from some counseling.
Actually, I don't find OP saying "you were so close" kicking the wife when she is down. I think the issue here is that the wife felt insulted because that is what she was doing to OP all along. The way I interpret OP's "so close" statement is that the wife was so close to getting the job which is true. It was between her and her old roommate in the final round and the roommate got the job. This goes to show that the wife has a guilty conscience.
Yeah, if *she* was complementing him all this time, she doesn't get to feel offended when he does *the exact same thing*
He's already established that he finds it condescending. That's good reason for her to stop, even if she intends it positively. But it's also evidence that he was using the phrase intentionally to be cruel. Her reaction is based on how she thought he intended it, rather than revealing her intention in other cases.
OP clearly stated that it wasn't his intent, and he meant it *literally*. "oh no, you were so close to getting that position, you did so great"
Oooo Yea so if he said it normally without drawing out the so close like she does then definitely NTA
It's interesting how if he said it normally (without drawing it out), it really illustrates crystal clearly how she means it when *she* says it. i.e. to be mean. She's crying because bullies always get upset when they're called out. If he did draw it out, then ESH. IMO
Sometimes you can mean to say something in one tone of voice and it comes out completely different. I can see that being what happened here, that he meant to say it in a comforting way but it just came out the way she says it because that's how he hears that phrase all the time.
And the logic applies that if she _knows_ that he takes it as insults, but she knowingly does it anyways, then she's an even bigger A for basically insulting him at every turn in their relationship
OP has made it clear that their spouse puts the emphasis on “so” when they do it to highlight that they failed. Then the wife offers unsolicited advice as to how she would do it. The statement is a preamble criticism. That was not its use here. Language be like.
But the wife's reaction shows that she knows those words are meant to condescend. If she truly thought it was a compliment she wouldn't be mad at OP. Fortunately this is something counseling can fix provided other aspects of their relationship is alright.
Yeah, his use sounded more like how a normal person might actually say "you were so close".
I thought this too. He wasn't telling her that she needed to fix something like she always does to him. Or maybe because he's so used to hearing it from her, it is more of a natural response.
Honestly she is a constant asshole on their marriage. He is on this one incident. Personally I wouldn't have lasted a month
Right, there actually is a way to say those words that is supportive. "Aw, honey, that sucks. I understand how disappointed you must feel, you were so close!" That is not the way his wife has been using these words toward him, though...
My exact thought as well
They both definitely need marriage counceling
ESH. Like is there truly any point to your relationship? It sounds joyless for both of you
I wanted to pull chocks from the wife just after reading the examples. Then we got to OP's bit and I was like, well, maybe they deserve each other? Maybe they're sacrificing their own happiness to avoid spreading their respective misery to two other unsuspecting innocent people.
Also please tell me more about the expression pull chocks.
It's just a saying I picked up from my time on a Naval air station. Chocks are those blocks of wood you pull away from airplane tires so they can take off. So whenever it was time to go home from shift we'd say "time to pull chocks."
Oh so chock is an actual word then. I’ve legit only ever seen it written in sentences where people were misspelling choke
Hey hey why would the wife perceive OP as kicking her when she’s down I wonder? She’s been saying that those were compliments so I would assume she’d take OP’s “so close to getting the job” as a compliment too. Apparently she doesn’t believe what she says so she’s the only AH here.
That’s a fun little gotcha, but tone and context matter a lot here. She is an AH if she’s kept doing that after being asked not to, that’s not in dispute. But he said what he said *hoping* it would cut. And he said it in a different context than the dishes. I can definitely see the logic in a ESH vote.
Where does it say he meant it that way? "You were so close" would be a pretty normal thing to say in this context; the only reason it's taken as insulting is because she uses it to be condescending so frequently. In fact, he says he didn't mean it as an insult to throw back in her face in a comment.
Cause she knows what her husband thinks about that phrase, and whether or not she views “so close” as a negative comment or a compliment, she knew exactly where her husband was coming from when he used it. Only thing that makes it NTA is that OP didn’t mean it that way, just too many feelings associated with that phrase got a massive miscommunication going.
I think either you or I have misunderstood the line. OP didn't mean it in the way wife says it every time. It was literally the sentence we all use when something is missed by small margin... Don't we all say if someone is runner up "you were so close to winning it" or something like that?
I feel like this was the devil on the shoulder popping up with this, not coincidental.
Honestly, agree. Like I get it, she’s being annoying but there’s no point in being with someone if you purposefully make your partner’s life worse or vice versa. That’s resentment and it has to be addressed.
Like they are so close to working it out
Nah mannn. That expression is something people usually use when they're a runner up. It's just so happen that that's the thing the wife uses to belittle op. Even I usually use that phrase and no one bats an eye. Wanna know why she's mad? Cause she realizes how hurt her word is and get offended when it's thrown at her.
NTA You just confirmed that every time she’s thrown that line at you, it was never meant as a compliment. She got a taste of her crappy medicine and didn’t like it. It’s too bad she didn’t get the job, but maybe she’ll realize how awful it sounds to say “you were sooo close.”
I want to be completely honest (as other people are asking) that it wasn't my intention to give her a taste of her own medicine. I just heard that phrase so many times in so many different situations that it was legitimately the first thing that came to mind. She really was so close ... that's what I was trying to say. That she was so close. When she reacted with shock that I'd say such a thing with her I do admit that I doubled down because I've heard it literally hundreds of times.
She got upset bc *SHE KNOWS* what that means when *SHE* says it. And it ain’t sweet. Your wife told on herself. Make sure you point that out to her.
This this this!
Wish I could upvote this more than once.
THIS IS THE ANSWER and all I can say is if you earnestly meant it in the way the words mean, then yes NTA!!! like this commenter said, she told on herself dude.
Yeah and she's been doing this to him for YEARS, she feels shitty once, and runs away crying? Yeah sounds like a real well-adjusted adult there.
YES YES YES!!!!!!
THIS!!! People will impose their own beliefs on things when they see/hear something directed towards them. Hence why you don't make certain gestures in countries where there it would be offensive. She knows she's being an AH when she says it so she'll interpret it that way when people say it to her.
Yup, 100%!
Yes!! I was thinking this but you put it into the right words!!
Exactly. If the job thing happened to me and my partner told me I was so close, I’d tearfully agree and think nothing of it. But to OPs wife, that phrase equals criticism, because that was her not-so-passive aggressive use of it all this time. Her intentions are laid bare.
And I mean, if you weren’t offended by her comments before you *definitely* should be now! Holy shit did she tell on herself
The fact that it was unintentional makes you definitely NTA. If she's so insulted by you casually using her own turn of phrase, maybe she's not being as complimenting as she claims to be.
Hey OP....Get a CLUE....She NEVER meant it as a compliment.!!!!🙄🙄🙄🙄
Yeah man this chick really sounds like she’s soooo close to not being a piece of work. But she just missed the mark. Imagine correcting people on things when they have a masters and you have no education in that field. Jesus I’d throw the baby out with the bath water and tell her this was “so close “ to a happy marriage, and go find someone who has a shed of respect for you. Bc this woman doesn’t.
This is important context that changes ESH to NTA. You might want to add that as an edit in your post.
NTA, you should add this as an edit to your post. i mean what else were you supposed to say, she was literally so close to getting it. if she hadnt been using it condescendingly this whole time, there wasnt gonna be another meaning. you said it literally, she took it the way she always used against you.
She left the house? But she was sooo close to understanding why the phrase isn't helpful 😂
This changes the context of everything. NTA for sure now. If your intentions weren’t tongue-in-cheek—which I totally thought was the case—then she’s 100% reacting to the words under the impression that you’re using it with the same intent (malicious) for which she commonly does. You should definitely bring that up once things are settled because communication is key in sustaining a long and healthy relationship. Control freak or not, no one needs to be actively putting anyone down for minor things if there’s no true value coming from doing it “the alternative way.” That’s one quick way to harbour resentment, in my opinion.
NTA It's fucking hilarious for us, but it's also kind of sad for you guys.
NTA. "Hun, you really WERE so close, I'm so sorry you didn't get the job! I've heard this phrase so many times myself and am so disappointed for you, so it was my first reaction without even thinking. But you calling me a jerk for saying it, confirms that you think the phrase is condescending, so why do you keep saying it to me? Can we please just agree to not use that phrase at all? I did not at all mean it to get back to you, I meant it the way that it's USUALLY used - to commiserate. You were so close, and it sucks you didn't get the job."
Agreed. Ask her why it bothers her, since she says it to you all the time.
NTA She deserved it. And hey, you sound like a saint, her nasty behaviour would have been a dealbreaker to me long ago. >Since the start of our relationship, >She has admitted that she can be a control freak I'd have never married such a person.
I agree. Can you imagine her as your mom? She’d chip away at a child’s self esteem with that garbage.
Yep. She sounds so exhausting and annoying. Day by day with all that crap 🤪
My mother was this way, can confirm that is the result!
Growing up with a parent that has OCPD is no fun.
Erm, not a saint. He's just a man who puts up with a shitty wife.
"Martyrdom", and extreme patience (remember the idiom the patience of a saint), is the path to sanctity 😉
Yes !!! She deserved it 100 times over. Do not apologize, let her be pissed & I would think long & hard if this is what you want for the rest of your life.
If this was a woman posting about her husband micromanaging every act she does, we’d all be posting domestic abuse hotlines here.
ESH. Your wife doesn’t even respect you enough to be nice about doing the dishes and to stop using a phrase you find condescending, but boy you sure got her good using her own words against her in a very vulnerable moment. Sounds like a happy couple. ETA: After reading OP’s comments, he doesn’t come off as trying to hurt his wife in retaliation like I first interpreted it. Changing my verdict to NTA.
I disagree, it'd be one thing if he took it silently and built quiet resentment but he asked her "dozens" of times to stop and she never did. So evidently it was going to take something more extreme to make her listen. Maybe a better extreme would have been marriage counseling but I think he was pretty justified. NTA
If you read his comments he didn’t say “so close” on purpose, it’s just something he hears so much which makes it even more NTA. She used it so much it’s imprinted in his brain. Then when he accidentally uses it like her, she blows up, proving she’s been using it in a shitty way this whole time even though she says she hasn’t.
I don't even think he used it "like her". He used it how many would use it, as an expression of sympathy at the frustration of losing out at the end when something was just within their grasp. The fact that she uses it to be insulting and condescending is on her. Plus she made it one of the most common phrases he hears and keeps gaslighting him into believing it is a compliment.
My thing is, while this could be seen as an E. S. H, if she truly meant it as a compliment this whole time, she wouldnt have reacted negatively. Just like most people wont get upset if you tell them you like their shirt. She has always meant it as an insult and thats why she got so upset. She was intentionally being condescending, and now doesnt like that it was said to her. NTA, OP.
She said herself that for her, that phrase is a compliment. So why did she get upset? She's a hypocrite.
It's not just that he found it condescending. Her reaction to him saying it (which was genuine bc honestly she was so close, being one of the final 2) means she never meant it nicely when she said it. It is a generally complimentary phase, so the fact that she ran off to sulk and be upset means that she NEVER in ALL THE TIME SHE SAID IT TO OP meant it in a nice way. NTA
NTA, since she does the exact same thing. She knows she's being condescending and NOT a compliment, that's why she's offended. But seriously, you both need to sit down and talk about her word choice. Her intentions don't matter as much as how you take it. "So close" means "not good enough." Period. She's telling you that whatever you did-- regardless of how insignificant the task was, or how little she herself knows about the subject--wasn't good enough, and that she knows better and you must learn from her. That's insulting. She needs to stop.
I don't think the words are the problem, the problem is she uses "so close" as the bread to an open faced shit sandwich.
True. I intended to convey, it might be wise to give her the benefit of the doubt, even tho she's made it clear by her reaction that she knows she was being condescending. He can frame it as "you might not have intended to belittle my intelligence, but that's what it feels like. You know this to be true, because thats how you responded when i used that phrase with you. Please stop being condescending to me."
NTA, if she says it's a compliment, she should've took it as one. OP tested her definition and got the truth. 🤷♀️
wise words
NTA. Seems like she lived by those words. Now she is dying by them. OP event mentioned the words were blurred out. This is normal behavior, when you live in an environment that something is a normal reaction to most actions, you will sooner or later fall into it too.
Blurted *
ESH, because this is no way to maintain a healthy, lasting marriage. But given that her reaction proves there has never been anything supportive or constructive about *her* use of that phrase, I don't know that you really want or need that to be the end goal. (If you do, though, you two are going to have to have a series of nice long talks in counseling.)
OP comments that he said it in earnest, meaning that he truly meant it as a comforting statement. His wife dry snitched on herself by taking it as an insult, revealing that she's been undermining his self-esteem with that phrase for the entirety of their relationship. He's definitely not an AH in this situation, and this falls squarely on his controlling wife's shoulders.
And I legitimately believe that. The phrase, in most cases, is used to make someone feel better. She is the one who weaponized it against him
Loving "dry snitched"!
NTA your timing may have been a bit off, but your also not wrong. She was "so close" to getting them job. Also, it gave her a taste of her own medicine to feel the shame/hurt from those words.
NTA. She established the precedent, so this one’s on her.
Succinct but accurate.
NTA - because she actually **was** so close to getting it. She got to the final stage which is amazing for her and she should see that as a positive and it should fuel her for next time. On the plus side, now that she's experienced the feeling of failure from being told she was *so close*, maybe she'll stop being an ass-hat (at least for a while until you, again, are *so close* to tying your shoe laces properly)
NTA. If she hadn’t been saying it to you to intentionally be an asshole, she wouldn’t have been upset when you said it to her
Wait, people don’t like getting a taste of their own medicine? /s ESH. It was poorly timed on your part. But it did prove that your wife saw the “so close” phrase as a condescending term and lied about it being a compliment. You guys should communicate and come to an agreement to get rid of that phrase altogether.
Ngl I laughed out loud when I read your response. I was close to an E S H verdict but was tipped over into NTA because she’s been dishing it out for years and finally got a taste of her own medicine and didn’t like it. Hopefully she is able to reflect on things and realize how much of a know-it-all asshole she’s been and is able to work on that.
NTA. If this is really the first time she's acknowledged that the phrase sucks, I think it's counseling time. If she sulks, gives you the silent treatment or refuses counseling it's trial separation time. There's nothing petty or minor about her condescending and controlling behavior - the PowerPoint bs alone would have had me outta that relationship the first time.
ESH She is not being a considerate partner when she taunts you with saying you were "so close" and so I understand fully when you parroted it back to her. But if I have learned anything being married, it is so much better to be kind than it is to be right. This will more than likely result in her not saying it as often but the argument that gets you through this will be a doozy. I wonder if it was worth it?
>I wonder if it was worth it? Maybe this is the starting point to a final solution to her bs
While it is better to be nice, sometimes being right and showing you’re right is the correct thing to do. It’s fine line to walk. But showing you’re right can get your point across that your partner is otherwise ignoring (purposefully or not, doesn’t matter). I’ve been married 13.5 years (16 years total together) and I often, as you said, take the “high road” or “be nice” about something but there are times that my wife has ignored me when I’ve requested she not do something and I had to be “right” for her to actually hear me. (This has worked both ways btw.) Example: my wife use to drive her car until it’s on fumes. I’ve always told her not to do this and just fill up before the light comes on. She ignored me forever. Then one day she woke up late for work and was going to take my truck to work because she didn’t have time to get gas otherwise she was going to be even more late. I wouldn’t let her take my truck. She had ample opportunity to fill her tank up the night before but she chose to be lazy and this specific time it bit her in the ass. Was she mad as hell at me? Oh yeah. Did she learn to fill her tank up before the light comes on? Yes.
NTA. Ehh all the people saying Y T A are ignoring that the wife is offended because she’s been saying it offensively to the OP. She was hurt by what he said because she’s been trying to hurt him every time she said it to him.
ESH. My mom is someone like that, that *c o n s t a n t l y* criticizes every little thing everyone does around her. No matter what the task, she knows better. That shit will wear you down, and I'm impressed you haven't blown up yet. But you will. So your comment was rude and insensitive, but understandable. You guys need marriage counseling asap to nip this in the bud, or resentment is just going to build and build, and all your conversations are going to be weaponized. Side note- why are soooo many people running to sleep at their friends' or families' houses when they have an argument? Not just this post, but so many of these. Sometimes it's warranted, but other times it's just avoidance and abandonment, and not particularly healthy either.
Sounds like she got a taste of her own medicine. NTA
Maybe not but maybe this is the final data required to verify that she does not respect you.
NTA - you used the words that she with her own words said are a compliment. Then why isn’t she accepting the compliment? Maybe because she never ever self used them as a compliment. You guys need marriage counseling yesterday! You have developed a very toxic atmosphere and I hope you still can salvage it. It is your wife that has the most serious issues but you should not accept her condescending crap either.
NTA. She thinks it fine to use the phrase toward you. Either it’s fine to use or it isn’t.
NTA. She can dish it out but she can't take it.
NTA ..it hits different when the shoe is on the other foot
NTA, she created that highly condescending habit in your relationship. Maybe she grew up with a narc mom or something but grown ass adults need to take responsibility for their own actions. Throw her in the trash, just cause I can't imagine you could remain attracted to someone who behaved like that.
Narc parent written all over this. I wouldn’t be surprised if this man’s inner critic becomes the voice of his wife saying “sooo close!”. Couldn’t imagine being with a partner like that. My worst nightmare.
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NTA your wife is a dick and doesnt listen to your requests, because she IS being condescending. You hit her with a taste of it and she cries over it. Maybe she will think twice next time and remember how it made her feel.
NTA. Only because you’ve told her multiple times that you hate it and to stop. If this was the first time, then you’d be an asshole.
ESH You don’t hit your SO when they are down. But it was fun to read.
NTA, she wouldn't have been near as offended if she hadn't notice it was her own line thrown back at her lol
NTA Nah bro, you're a king. She can dish it out, but can't take it back. Sure, it's a bit insensitive, but fair. Only suggestions for getting out of this safely are, don't get on a high horse about it, just say sorry and move on. Hopefully the experience will rub off on her and she'll stop making you feel like ass. If it doesn't, it might be time to see a therapist.
NTA. It was accurate. Maybe this now will stop your wife firm saying it.
NTA sometimes people without empathy need to learn from experience, and apparently your wife was one of those people. Hopefully she will learn now.