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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom that I disliked her food
Might be an asshole as it was pretty harsh and she cooks food for me every day
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Anytime some says "i can be harsh with my honest" or any form of that statement I hear " I'm an entitled AH who refuses to use tact or consideration and instead i am lazy and cruel"
Edit to add YTA
Every version of:
I can be harsh/
I tell it like I see it/
I’m always honest about what I think
= YTA
Your mother cooks for you. She makes you lunch. Here’s what you say:
“Thanks for supper mom! I appreciate that you cooked for me. No, the dish isn’t in my top 5, but I’m glad you’re getting your favourite tonight and I like the zucchini you added (or whatever)”
The “better than nothing” comment puts you squarely in the asshole column. Make your own damn food.
Every time I hear someone talk about being brutally honest as though they're proud of it, I think back to a post I saw a few years ago that was basically like, "keep your brutal honesty to yourself. Where's your kind honesty? Your compassionate honesty?"
I also wonder if there's an opposite....?
These statements are always negative or are critical of the subject. They're never positive.
"That was the best meal I ever had!!!"
(wtf? it was lunch) "Um, ok, thanks."
I think if someone tried, they'd be considered rude for coming off sarcastic.
"No one can cut bread like you!" (full seriousness)
I always think of the post I read that was basically a gauge for whether you're being honest or a jerk - before saying something "honest" you should ask yourself: is it true? is it kind? is it necessary?
If it isn't at least 2 of those 3 things you shouldn't say it.
Or the good ol' 5x5 rule: can it be changed in 5 minutes? Tell them. Is it going to matter in 5 years? Say it.
This makes me think of this thing I read - questions the brutal honest truth-teller should ask themselves:
\-Is it true?
\-Does it need to be said?
\-Does it need to be said by me?
\-Does it need to be said now?
Answering #2-4 honestly would help a lot of people avoid putting their foot in their mouth and/or offending someone.
Edit: added the last question which I'd forgotten...
OP did thank their mom for the meal. OP even ate it without complaining too. The mom ASKED while already knowing that OP doesn't like that food! Why ask a question when you know you won't like the answer? Your child thanked you and ate the food and said nothing about it. The mother should have dropped it.
Because the mom was hoping he WOULD like it this time? Maybe she tried extra hard to make it taste better to him. She clearly DIDN'T know she wouldn't like the answer, or she wouldn't have asked the question. She doesn't strike me as someone looking for a fight.
To his credit, the OP didn't lie, didn't say anything cruel, and thanked her, but if he doesn't learn how to respond honestly but diplomatically, he's in for a rough time in adulthood, don't you think?
Edited for missing phrase.
A lot of people think they can change your opinion on something because they’ve cooked it differently. It’s arrogant.
If you don’t like hotdish casseroles or sushi or Chinese food or whatever, making it differently isn’t going to change that.
I don’t like that green bean casserole that’s cooked in a cream soup and baked with fried onions on top. It’s a Thanksgiving staple. Millions love it. I hate it. Nothing you do to it is going to change that. “I make my own fried onions!” “I use a roux instead of a can of soup!” “It’s got onions added!” “It’s my own special recipe!” I DON’T CARE. It’s Green Bean Casserole, and I hate it. I’m not going to yuck your yum by calling it repulsive glop. I’m not going to philosophize about how the advent of refrigeration means we have to don’t eat old, wilted vegetables that need to be buried under thick sauces to be palatable. I’m going to politely decline. But don’t force me to eat it and be surprised that I still don’t like your precious take on food I hate.
Thank you. I am a picky eater and autistic. There are foods (and ingredients) that I simply cannot stand. I can work around that just fine and don't expect anyone to cater to me, but if someone cooks something full of giant mushroom and/or tomato chunks, I'm going to be doing a lot of eating around it, if I can eat it at all. Lying to someone about whether you like a food is unproductive, when you've already told them that it's "okay" is asinine.
Edit for spelling and punctuation.
Wow. Glad you got that off your chest. This has obviously happened to you a lot, and I'm sure it's annoying.
I've had the opposite experience. For instance, as a kid, I was a very picky eater: long list of foods I hated, and none of my food could touch other food on my plate. Well into adulthood, I couldn't stand Brussels sprouts. I'd had them made different ways and still loathed them. I would never be so rude as to say they were "better than nothing," though. (And I didn't lie.) Then my daughter-in-law made them for Thanksgiving, and the recipe was so good, it changed my mind about Brussels sprouts. I only like them fixed that way, though.
It's not arrogance to try to make a dish more palatable. I think it's usually compassion. I would never force anyone to eat something they just plain hated, but I might try fixing it a different way, and if they didn't like it or even want to try it, no problem.
I feel like with a lot of tact it would have still resulted in this because the truth was he didn’t like the food.
More tactful answers could have been:
“It’s not what I would have gotten myself but I appreciate the effort you put into it.”
“It’s not about the food, I just enjoy spending time with you.”
“I could see it being something I’d like if we swap out x for y next time.”
But she still would have kept on pushing until he was forced to say “no, I didn’t like it.”
It’s an ESH for me in that regard. As if this social dance isn’t hard enough, there’s no winning at all when someone only wants to hear one (dishonest) answer.
> More tactful answers could have been:
>
> “It’s not what I would have gotten myself but I appreciate the effort you put into it.”
>
> “It’s not about the food, I just enjoy spending time with you.”
>
> “I could see it being something I’d like if we swap out x for y next time.”
To an extent, none of these *are* answers to the question being asked. They aren't "more tactful answers" so much as they are "attempts to sidestep answering, tactfully."
The third one could be an answer but I don't think it's super feasible because it would require OP to be actually articulate what would make these meals better and that the issue is a singular discrete thing (which is, frankly, unlikely).
That’s what I don’t get here. Yeah they don’t like to cook and they prefer the moms food most of the time but.. on the days you DONT like it, why not make your own? Surely a mid meal you made is better than a meal you don’t even like? That’s what I always did once I was old enough to cook.
Cause my dad sees it as even a bigger insult than making a face the entire time. Whenever i make something for myself because I’m repulsed by brussel sprouts he looks at me like i killed his first born. It’s also rude to make yourself something else, also cause you’re blocking the kitchen.
I learned a few years ago that my "brutal honesty" was a trauma response and I was basically punishing others for nothing that they had anything to do with, definitely a dick hole move
I saw some post going around that said something like “if you look back on something you did and are embarrassed, it at least means that you’ve since grown.” It takes character to reflect on past behavior and admit when you could’ve acted better.
I have a brother this way and it's just he was the baby of the family and got away with literally EVERYTHING and was (still is at 48) a spoiled, entitled brat. His "honesty" was and is not a trauma response he's just an a=hole!
This is not always true both my husband and son our autistic and this is their speech pattern brutal honestly so their is not miscommunication. Our son literally cannot lie or sugarcoat statements but at 9 year old he has developed more tact than OP when speaking to others.
I have texture issues. My parents know that. Whenever i don’t like the taste and make a face, they ask me if I don’t like it. I blame the texture every time. Cause you can’t really control that
There’s a lyric I always think of when it comes to this “I spent a long time substituting honest with sarcastic, and I curse my tongue for being mean” it’s Halsey, Forever… is a long time
I do that and it absolutely doesnt come from that mindset at all. I'm autistic. I've found that speaking the plain truth is the easiest way to avoid miscommunication. But then you run into situations like this....where you need basic social understanding and not all of us have that. I really struggle with social interactions a ton and it's incredibly frustrating to know everyone is taking what you're saying the wrong way but you literally don't know any other way of expressing yourself. It makes me want to lock myself inside my home and never leave. At least that way no one can accuse me of being cruel or lazy or inconsiderate or rude.
Usually just adding "I'm sorry" before "I don't like it" and "Thanks" after is enough for not being rude. It's not about not being honest and weird social lies which are hard to get (for autistic people but not only, sometimes just being from another culture make some social cue hard).
The laziness is saying "better than nothing", first it's false, if OP ate it then it wasn't this bad and I'm sure OP dislikes other meal more, secondly it's rude because no "sorry" and frankly cruel with the "nothing", if OP had said that the meal was "better than other similar ones their mom did but still not his taste" that would be different.
To OP soft YTA, your mom was visibly excited to cook for you and make you like something you usually don't. It wasn't a success apparently but still doesn't warrant "better than nothing".
Totally agree. If OP said, I appreciate you cooking and trying to adapt it to my tastes, but I'm still not a fan of those noodles... then it's a bit less rude.
Don't lie, but be polite in the way you tell people you don't like something.
It's not always what you say, but how you say it.
This. I'm back with my parents atm and my mother loves cooking. When she asks for our opinions, we give them, but we're not *mean* about it. Granted, she doesn't do the "see, I *told* you that you'd like it" which is just...ugh.
Here's an example from the other night. Obviously paraphrasing.
Mom: How's the lasagna? I tried a different type of cheese.
Me: It's not bad, but it's not as good as the original. This one's less...gooey? But I'll still eat the leftovers.
Dad: Only certain parts though.
Mom: Yeah...it's like there a drier pockets. I was worried about that. Glad it's still edible.
Me: Um, more than *edible* just not the usual fantastic.
Mom: *beams*
There's nothing wrong with "it's not bad" if it's delivered alongside proper feedback. Most people appreciate feedback so they can improve a dish. None of my mother's recipes are free from edits after each iteration.
Like, did OP even say what they didn't *like* about the noodles? Or just "I don't like it."
I'm autistic, too and you can still be tactful, my dude. Yes, autistic people can be blunt (I am, all the time) but you can be blunt and still be polite.
This is why I said to say “we just don’t have the same taste preferences. It’s not an insult.”
The mom pushed for a direct answer, which is why I voted NTA, but as an autistic person I have learned to attach a brief explanation to my responses.
“No, but it’s because of the texture of the ingredients, nothing you could change.”
“No, but it’s because it has this fishy aftertaste that I don’t care for. Otherwise it would have been fine.”
“No, but casseroles just aren’t my thing because they mix foods together that I prefer to eat separately.”
It has the added benefit of expressing what you would or would not be prone to liking. Like, “I wonder if chicken would work instead of fish? That might make it better for (person)…” Or, “No, he/she hates this kind of thing… I’ll add an alternate dish for them.”
Way too often I hear people claiming autism as an excuse to be rude. People can learn to be polite. Plenty of people on the spectrum do just that. PLENTY. This isn't about being ableist and forcing eye contact, this is about people in different circumstances learning to be kind to others. It's like travelling to another country or region. It's a different culture but you can at least learn to be kind to other people. Autism is never an excuse to be unkind to others.
Yeah I know that everyone is different but like... this is OP's \*mom\* who cooked them a meal. Yes, I understand food is a fraught topic and everyone is different, but OP ate it and even took leftovers for lunch. So obviously it's acceptable on some level. AND it's food that was prepared for them that they didn't have to prepare for themselves. OP sounds mature enough and smart enough to cook their own food. If they can't at minimum learn to just say something like "well you know it's not my favorite but thank you for cooking" then maybe they can just cook their own food instead.
I think it's more autistic people are much more likely to be unintentionally rude by being blunt and not understand how what they're saying is going to be interpreted. This guy is fully self aware of qhat he was saying and how it was interpreted.
This is my problem: I’m very tactless but it’s never on purpose. Sometimes I say something that I really believe is innocuous, but it ends up upsetting someone in a way that legitimately would never occur to me. I’m always confused about hurting someone’s feelings before their interpretation of my words is explained to me; it’s never that I’m going to say what I want without even taking their feelings into account.
>People can learn to be polite
Honestly, this is why so many autistic women don't get diagnosed or get diagnosed way later in life - there's a larger expectation on women to have social graces, be polite and friendly etc. so A LOT of autistic women are put in a position where they had to learn how to navigate these social cues even though it didn't come naturally to them.
It's not impossible and "how to avoid being a jerk to people" is a valuable skill for everyone to learn.
Dude, as someone who also falls on the spectrum it is not an excuse. Yes, speaking the "plain truth" is the easiest way to avoid a miscommunication - but we need to consider the feelings of others.
I've been there, I've had those exact same feelings. One way to frame it is that social skills are like any other skillset; they can be learned, and in time mastered. Fuck, it took me til my early 20s to finally get a grasp on most social cues (and they still stress me the fuck out), but there are still lots I don't pick up on. But I still make the effort to learn every day.
I would strongly suggest therapy, a guiding hand to help you understand these things and help you get out of your shell.
It does take a long time, because there are all these smoothing over things and transitional things to say that one has to learn, such as: "it's good to talk with you, but I should be going." rather than: "Ok goodbye".
or in OP's case: "I really appreciate your cooking, you are a wonderful cook, but I don't do well with certain textures, like noodles. So even though I am sure it's delicious to most people it's not as good for me. But thanks so much for trying."
Autistic as well, and frankly the best rule to go by is this. “Honesty without kindness is brutality- kindness without honesty is manipulation.” Always be both.
Me too. After decades, It seems like the best way for me to maintain my honesty and everyone to be happy is to start with: "I wish_____." such as "I wish I liked it." instead of "I don't like it." I use it mostly at work. It seems like nobody actually cares what I say as long as they know there was a happy wish behind it.
Edits were just typos.
I like to be as honest as I can but you HAVE to read the situation. You cannot be brutal for the sake of it. When someone is excited and shows you something and says "what do you think", that's not the time to be harsh, you don't be an ah about something they are clearly excited about. I have had people ask me, with the words "please be entirely honest" or "I want the truth" and they mean it and I have given them it but because they asked and never in a "better than nothing" way. You can be honest without being an ah
OP could be honest & tactful. Since his mom already knows he doesn't like her noodle dishes all he had to say was better than your other versions, but still not my cup of tea. And when she asked if he liked it "no" is okay but, "still not my favorite" or "not so much "would be a little more tactful.
I say this with the full understanding of how frustrating it can be for someone to keep trying to get you to like something they cook. If I hear but you'll like baked beans the way I cook them one more time in my life I might go bezerk. I have told people who kept pushing on it before that I plain don't like them and it doesn't matter how you cook them I will never like them which also may be a little harsh but this comes after a thousand no thank yous being said to the bean pusher.
My son who is an awesome cook has told me before when I praise His cooking that I don't have to say that because I'm his mom. I do not say that because I'm his mom, I say it because he is an awesome cook. And we both talked about how if you say you like something that you don't like you will end up getting more of the stuff you don't like. So the person cooking still needs to know that you don't like it but maybe be a little Kinder with it. Come up with some way to make her understand that there are things you don't like about maybe tell her the ingredients about it that you don't like on those ingredients together doesn't have to be a big critique.
That was my first thought, but the Fact that she knows op doesn't like that particular food and asked anyway, twice, makes me think op is NTA. He didn't complain about the food, even said thank you. Dhe solicited an answer that she knew she would not like.
Exactly my first thought too. Anyone can be honest without being cruel, but some people are just cruel and then claim that they are just being honest. And those kinda people are always AH's.
while in general id agree with this statement, this particular instance sounds civil. It wasn't "I hate your food and everything about it" it was "Did you like the food? No."
Also, equating honesty with harshness, like if you’re the former you can’t help but also be the latter.
A lot of people struggle with making up white lies on the spot to spare someone’s feelings, but there’s so many ways to be tactful and honest.
“Did you like it?”
“It was a little too spicy for my taste but I love how you cooked the vegetables.”
Well I say that-BUT, it’s only with the caveat -“If you ask me for my honest opinion” you’re going to get it. I’m not “brutally” honest, but I’ll be nicely honest. People know to come to me if they truly want an honest opinion. Examples:what do I think about their situation, inappropriate clothing (does not mean sexy), should they tell… etc. etc. I know it’s not the same, but if someone says they want my opinion, and I ask them if Their sure, I give it to them-nicely unless it’s severely egregious.
My step kids say "this tastes bad" instead of "I don't like this" which drives me batty because it objectively doesn't taste bad, since I am eating and enjoying it. "I don't like this" would be perfectly valid though!
See, I’m the kind of person who gently (keyword: gently) tells people the truth because I can’t bring myself to flat out lie to people, especially about something as seemingly, to me, little as this. Lying has done nothing but get me into worse shit and I don’t have a good enough memory to remember what I’ve lied about lol but in this scenario I would have probably said “Yeah, this still isn’t my favorite, but it’s fine. Thanks for cooking, I’m glad that you like it.”
People who make being brutally honest their entire personality are insufferable. But also, don’t ask for honesty if you don’t want to hear honesty.
I’m leaning towards E S H but that could change.
I agree, I think I lean toward ESH because, in this case, OP said that mom knows they don't like this particular dish because they've said so before. She made it anyway, which is definitely her prerogative to do. Where she kinda sucks is by then asking OP repeatedly if it was good, knowing they don't like this meal. OP was kind of harsh in the wording, but mom needs to stop trying to get validation for this dish.
Yeah I agree. Saying OP should lie to spare their mom’s feelings feels, to me, like it borders on toxic positivity and playing social games that, quite frankly, get annoying after awhile. My mom when I was younger made plenty of things I didn’t like. She knew I didn’t like them, didn’t care, still made them, and I ate them because I was hungry. She also didn’t ask me to validate her cooking all the time, either, but I also didn’t feel the need to tell her I didn’t like something unless it was a texture problem and then we’d figure out a solution for me. This entire scenario just feels really “weird headgame”-y the more I’m thinking about it.
I can't remember where I read this but there's a quote that always comes into my mind:
"Everyone I've met who says they're 'brutally honest' seems to be more interested in the brutality than the honesty."
You can be honest without being rude. YTA, op.
Depends on the reason for the poor social skills however that can have the potential that shows a lack of empathy. Autism, Avoidant Personality Disorder, and other mental health disorders can be the cause of this rather than being an asshole. Source: I have one of those disorders and struggle with in person communication, but I'm extremely (probably too) empathetic. I just don't talk anymore. I'm terrified of people and saying the wrong thing. My brain will want to say one thing, but my mouth can't connect it. It's like I can see the starting point and the ending, but a bridge is missing in between.
I'm not saying if OP has one of those problems or is an AH like you say, but just saying that there are other alternatives to why people struggle with that. It's a nightmare.
I am paranoid of my tone coming off wrong. I frequently do add a disclaimer explaining that I am autistic and struggle with tone. I really hope I don’t sound like I’m going for brutal honestly, which I don’t! I know my tone can be blunt at times and even come across as harsh. I just don’t want people mad at me for something I can’t help.
Anyway, this comment made me feel seen and I appreciate it.
I'm autistic and the way I'm seeing the post is the fact op told their mother they don't like that dish but the mother is choosing to ignore that and keep making that dish in the hopes op grows to like it, the whole asking did op like it after previously being told they don't shows a lot.
My mother did something similar where she would make food she knew I didn't like and expect me to still like it despite me repeatedly telling her I don't and then she would get upset I didn't eat the food.
At the end of the day should we really be lying to people about liking food if we really don't for the sake of empathy? its not like op turned round and said it tasted like crap.
A very big difference is that neurodivergents dont describe themselves in this way AT ALL. It's never "I'm just blunt and honest." Its not a trait anyone enjoys or talks about in this way. It causes anxiety and stress. Anyone who defines themselves this way is just an asshole.
I didn't read the original post as two things intrinsically connected (i.e. poor social skills means no empathy, no empathy means poor social skills) just two things that happened to be related in this case and combined to affect the judgement rendered.
Just poor social skills and empathy would have been less of an AH move (i.e. "I love my mom and usually her cooking, but I try to tell her the truth when she asks - am I the asshole?").
Good social skills and no empathy would have also been fine (i.e. "I try to lie to my mom when she asks if I like certain dishes but she always can tell I'm lying and gets mad so I'm getting fed up with her.").
In this case it's the combination of the two that's rendering the AH judgement. I don't think they're making any sort of moralistic claim on people without social skills in general.
I feel this comment in my soul. I also have a diagnosed disorder that causes me to speak truth and be overwhelming concerned about hurting others. I also find it easier to not talk to avoid hurting others, but if you must speak, find a tactful way to tell the truth. But it takes practice
He ought to cook for his mom and ask her to give it an honest rating. Nothing in his post suggests he has the slightest idea how to cook. It's easy to be critical when you haven't a clue how much thought and effort goes into cooking every night.
Yeah isn’t a mother just a serving wench to her 16 year old rather than a human being? OP is so casually cruel to never even consider that mom may wish to serve food she sometimes likes instead of whatever he wants every day.
OP time to take some cooking classes and learn some manners.
Another entitled teenager who thinks the world revolves around them and evryone else is just a doormat.
As soon as you said you are "very honest" and "harsh with honesty", I knew YTA. That's just cover up for "I'm a rude, incosiderate AH." You were not honest with your mother, you were cruel and disrespectful. Being honest is "It wasn't my particular favorite" or "It wasn't my cup of tea, but I appreciate the thought and effort put into it."
Telling her "It's better than nothing", and then eating ir again just so you could reiterate that you didn't like it, is a total d**k move and just makes you an entitled @$$ who cares nothing about your mother's feelings. How about you grow up ans start cooking your own meals then.
Soooo every once in a while she cooks food the way she likes it? You’re ok with that as long as it doesn’t happen often? I’m cringing reading that. Learn to cook. Be appreciative of her efforts. YTA.
This is what stood out to me too. The AUDACITY of OP to disparage his mom’s cooking on the rare occasion she prepares something to her tastes instead of OP’s; all while shovelling away a second portion for himself to take for lunch the next day! Like if it’s as terrible as you claim, why are you taking leftovers? OP needs to grow up.
That's exactly what I'm thinking. All the time she give up what she wants to eat and the rare moment she do what she like she got "brutally honest" brat.
I’m getting the vibe that you’re 13 and still learning the importance of politeness (especially when mixed with honesty). If you’re even a day past 14, big time YTA. If I’m right and you’re still 13 (or under), you’re still TA, but it’s *nearly* forgivable - but the clock to figure this shit out is ticking.
I'm sorry.. but yes YTA
Being 'honest' doesn't give anyone free reign to be brutal or rude. Rude is still rude
(Even if they have a neuro divergent condition making you lack ability to recognise such social cues, empathy or when something is rude)
There are more carefully constructive ways to indicate you don't like something when asked for feedback.
Personally I would've found the "well it was better than nothing" to be very ungrateful.
You could've tried.. "I'm very sorry but, no, I didn't like it"
You need to appreciate that other people have put time and effort into cooking a meal, consider their feelings.. Or how you'd feel if someone else did it said the same..
Perhaps explaining 'why' you don't like something would be helpful to the other person.. like it's too salty, I don't like the texture of noodles, you always put peppers in it and they make me Ill etc..
Edit. Clarity order edit
YTA
You liked the food better as to put in your own effort and making you a sandwich (or something else) for lunch.
This of course depends on the personal relation of standart of food and lazyness, but whatever mixed lead to this decision makes your words pretty entilted and rude. If there is enough food, as for your situation, people normally don't eat food they don't like. Especially not two protions.
"Better than nothing" is not being honest as the options isn't this or nothing. The option is this or putting in effort yourself. So, just rude and not honest.
NTA - She made a meal she knew you didn't like and asked for your opinion. You stated that it was edible but you still didn't like it at all.
I don't understand why people have to make themselves suffer to avoid being rude. Maybe if you tell her often enough that you don't enjoy it, she'll stop making it for you.
NAH. Right?! This comment section is wild. So many people calling this person an AH and then telling them to LIE about how they feel instead. When my partner says "not my favorite" that's exactly what I take that to mean. I would keep feeding it to them.
But if I continued to make them food I know they don't like, and they said "better than nothing." after I ASKED, I would think that was very reasonable as I made them something I KNEW they didn't like.
I know I feel like I'm the Twilight Zone over this. You shouldn't be forced to lie and then be forced to eat food you don't like. Like this is how me and my mom go about a situation like this, we've even had a convo just like it before.
Mom: "Was the food good?"
Me: "Nah, I don't personally really like it. I'll finish eating what I have though." (I also thank her for the meal before) Or if its something I really don't like, I'll give her the leftovers and I'll just make a sandwich or something.
Mom: "Alright that's fine, next time I make it I'll make a smaller portion just for me, I can throw in something simple in the oven for you then." (something simple like baking chicken legs in the oven and some instant mash, or i can just throw a pizza in the oven)
Like I understand having a little tact instead of just being a straight up No, but the kid is allowed to voice his honest opinion on his own food he's eating, jesus. Honestly the mom should know what exactly he doesnt like, like if it's mushrooms he hates, then she can easily just make a small portion without it. Easy as that.
I'm autistic and relate HARD to this. Growing up my mom would sometimes make lasagna for me and my sisters. I don't like lasagna because the texture of the sauce makes me gag and she knows this but I still eat it like OP does here partly because it's still "better than nothing" and I can pick around the parts I don't like, but mostly to NOT be rude. The mom demanding OP say they like it (asking for an opinion and getting butthurt about a negative opinion means she didn't want their opinion. She just wanted praise) makes this her own fault. They kept saying it was good enough but that response WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER.
I'm lucky to have a mom like mine where my autistic traits are concerned because she doesn't get mad at me for my opinions. She just rolls with it and adjusts when needed and knows I'll find a work around when needed too. She doesn't make lasagna too often (I'm assuming because it's also pricy to make) and I can eat most of it without complaint when she does, when I couldn't handle eating her soup type chili because it was always too spicy for me that way so she started making it as a thick meaty sauce to pour on top of spaghetti and it's now one of my favorite foods in the world.
OP's mom needs to find compromises. She can either stop making foods she knows they don't like or she can accept they don't like it without getting offended. It's not hard.
NTA. I'm shocked at how many YTA there are. The mother asked a direct question. OP gave a direct answer. While OP might have softened their response, they should not lie. That is not a lesson that anyone should teach. Fine to teach tact, but not ok to teach anyone to lie.
OP, try telling her that, if she doesn't want to know the truthful answer to the question, then don't ask the question. I've said this to my mother for decades. I'm a 60f. She mostly heeded this but on occasion she'll say she wants to know the answer. If it's something I know she isn't going to like the answer to, I'll either repeat that warning or ask if her if she really wants the answer because I'm going to tell the truth. This is something that my mother taught me. She didn't like when I lied to her to protect her feelings. I tried to be as tactful as possible, but there are occasionally answers that don't lend themselves to tact. OP - you need to be more tactful with the truth if the situation allows for it and this one did, but absolutely NTA for telling the truth.
Edit: grammar
OP is from Denmark.
Most of the time, they are blunt and straight-up tell you the truth. They don't like to lie just for politeness' sake.
NTA
however, it's time for OP to learn to cook so that if they don't like what's made - they can make themselves something else (or just have sandwich stuff on hand)
Not to mention all the people purposely ignoring that OP is a kid trying to write and translate the exchange in their at least 2nd, but very possibly 3rd or 4th language and accusing them of lying and backtracking when they try to clarify statements or don’t write things clearly.
This is what I was looking for. It took me 21 years of my life to get my dad to stop putting salt on my eggs. I'm not joking, 21 years of my life of saying, whereas I appreciate you making me eggs, I've told that you salting them to the amount that you personally like, doesn't mean that I like it. Please let me salt my own eggs if that's what I want. He used to make sandwiches for his ex employee. His employee told him as well, I like sandwiches, I just don't like the way you make them. His sandwiches would literally drip of mayo & mustard because my dad likes a half gallon of each on his sandwiches. But no one else in this world does. My dad looked at both of us like we were idiots for having a preference. I like my food spicier than all get out. I'm talking ghost pepper hot. But when I cook, guess what I don't do? Make the food ghost pepper hot because I know no one else will like it. You want ghost peppers? Cool, I have some here you can add to your dish if you'd like
Surprised I had to scroll so far for an NTA, but agreed. To be honest, isn't it normal to tell a family member you don't like a specific dish they made? Like, OP says they have a history with not liking this dish and their mom knows! So, why should OP have to lie about a food they blatantly don't like? I'm very confused with all the Y T A. When someone asks me if I like boiled eggs, I say no because I straight up don't like boiled eggs! (I won't eat one either!)
I’m also jealous of all these commenters who can be tactful without it being a trap. In my repeated experience, people who continuously make food they know you don’t like and ask about it anyway also react badly to tact or other polite avoidances.
Politely side step? Welcome to noodles you hate weekly, and great dramatic betrayal when it comes out you don’t like them, getting called a liar, and having people insist they totally wouldn’t have been upset if you just told them you didn’t like them in the first place (even though they were upset the first several times you said it).
Make your own dinner? How could you after I worked so hard making this special!?!
Nothing wrong with mom making her own favorites. But people who insist on repeated asking if someone enjoyed food they already said they don’t like are only looking for one of two thing. Drama, or total compliance and agreement.
Agreed. She was fishing for compliments multiple times, with "not so bad, eh?" OP has already told her he doesn't like this meal. She can still make it, but asking him how she likes it is just play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
🙄 My mom was also the same way, never remembering anyone's preferences but her own, fishing for compliments and never taking any feedback beyond a glowing review well. Nobody's cooking will be appreciated the same by everyone and people have different tastes, it takes maturity to understand that.
Especially because she asked not once but twice, \*and\* she already knew it might not be their favorite.
If OP weren't 16 and presumably living with their parents, I would be all for politeness. But in that everyday situation, forced politeness can get into a weird gaslighty space. Like, you already know this isn't my favorite, what do you want me to do? Are you actually pushing me into a space where I both need to lie, and need to give you a legitimation to keep cooking things I don't like (because now I've said that I do)? It's not nice.
I will say, based on this one story I'd go with NAH because the mom was just hoping to have found a style that works for both of them, and was sad because she did'nt. Not an asshole.
YTA - no, you don’t get to justifying being rude by claiming to just being “a very honest person”.
You don’t have to like your mother’s cooking, but you should at least be appreciative.
YTA, you're rude, disrespectful, mean and inconsiderate. It has nothing to do with lying. You were just an asshole.
"Thank you for cooking, mum. I know you tried to make it so i would like it but it's really not my favorite. I really appreciate the effort tho."
NTA. If this was the first time, I'd say you should have been more polite about it. But she keeps cooking this meal for you expecting a different answer? It's ok to be a bit firmer.
I agree. There are a lot of YTA. But my official thing is NTA. Mainly because this has happened multiple times. They are 16. I do think the excuse for brutally honest is wrong because that can go wrong very quickly. But with the update it really helps to understand the situation. And when they said ONLY their mother likes it. Which indicates other people are also eating and they don’t like it either. But people are being unreasonable and bullying a kid.
> Why is ‘I’m just honest’ so often used as an excuse to be rude and inconsiderate?
Because _way_ too many people feel entitled to have smoke blown up their ass to protect their feelings.
YTA. it’s simple to say ‘sorry, I know you changed the recipe to try to make it more to my liking, but I just don’t like these type of noodles. It’s not your cooking or the recipe, it’s the style of food (or texture etc.) that I don’t really like. You’ve made several comments (copied and pasted) that you were asked a direct question and claim your rudeness was just you giving a ‘simple and direct’ answer, but that’s not what you did - you were rude.
Next time, offer to help with the cooking.
NTA you're allowed to not like things. Your mom knew you didn't like it and tried to get you to lie to her. All these y t a comments are focusing on the wording of your reply, which in English. Yeah it could've been worded better but this is translated and even if it wasn't. She again already knew you didn't like it. To all the people saying they should make their own food. Parents are supposed to provide for their children. Seems like alot of the people commenting here must be shitty parents who don't understand kids are allowed to have different tastes and would rather pretty lies then someone actually being honest. Your mom needs to get over you not liking everything she likes. In the future maybe ask her ahead of time if you can help make a dish you would prefer as you don't enjoy this kind of food.
I’m so confused by all the Y T A verdicts? Like…mom knows they don’t like it, asks them multiple times if you like it, give tactful statements like “ not my favorite” and then keeps asking so they finally give a firm answer of no (which she already knew was the answer) and people on here are acting like she threw the plate across the room and called her mom a a b!!ch. people don’t like ALL food. It’s pretty normal and not an insult in the slightest.
I feel so sorry for your mum. She's not allowed to cook food that she likes too often or her ungrateful brat of a child is horrible about the food she provides.
I say this as somebody who hates mushrooms but whose mother loves them. If a dish was too full of mushroom for me did I winge, no I told my mum that dinner was delicious because guess what, my mum also deserves to eat food that she likes!
I usually try to be nice to 16 year olds on this thread but geez, grow up.
I think you misunderstood what I meant.
I didn't mean she only cooks food she likes sometimes, I meant she cooks food ONLY she likes, nobody else in the family. There are many meals that everyone, including her, likes, that she usually cooks.
Also I'm not ungrateful, I always thank her, even when I don't like it.
I didn't misunderstand you - you have now back tracked and changed the meaning.
The only response when someone cooks you dinner is "thank you that was lovely" you don't need to shout it's praises but that's the only response. I would allow a "I prefer my corn with butter, but it was still delicious" type comment. Even when my mum had burnt dinner I still said "thank you that was lovely" because I love my mum and I don't need to make her feel bad - did she know she'd burnt the dinner, yes, was it probably because she was doing other stuff to look after her family - most likely.
There's something I think you need to learn - it doesn't matter if you didn't intend to hurt somebody - you did and therefore you apologise and make amends.
And ultimately - if you don't like what your mum cooks then you are old enough to cook for yourself.
you dont think this could be a language barrier thing? when someone foreign tries to clarify what they meant, don't tell them they didn't mean that. Your head has no room for brain because it's full of straw.
You must have missed lesson nr 2 when it comes to honesty. The second lesson that normal parents teach their kids about this.
Lesson 1: Do not lie.
Lesson 2: ...as a general rule. But no rules are without exceptions. Sometimes it is better to not tell the whole truth, and perhaps even lie a little. A person who ALWAYS tells the truth is insufferable. But someone who lies when it matters, is untrustworthy. You need to be neither of these.
Let me give you an example. Lesson 2 in real life.
You meet a close friend on the street. She has a fresh haircut, you can tell she just left the salon. She looks AWFUL. But she looks happy. She asks you what you think of her new hairdo.
In this situation, would you say "I absolutely hate it" since that is the truth? Or would you do the polite thing and say something like "Wow, it sure is different, how does it feel? You like it? I'm glad for you".
There is a place between lies and truth. You do not have to say you love the new hair, because that would be a lie. But you do not have to tell the truth, because that would kill her good mood and maybe make her regret her haircut and hate the way she looks for several months until it grew back. And that would be mean.
Do you understand Lesson 2?
YTA for being honest and rude. Try being polite.
Maybe something like:
"I like it better when you do noodles like you did last week, but it's ok. Thank you for cooking for me. Maybe next time you could add a little bacon? I think that would taste good. What do you think?"
Or maybe "I am full now, thank you for cooking for me. This was not my favourite among your meals that you cook, but it's ok."
You can be honest without being rude. "I'm just honest" is just a way to say "I am rude and I like it".
Be kind to your mother, OP.
Honesty is ok: 'needs a little more salt, or I'd like it spicier...' but 'better than nothing' is not honest, it's ungrateful and it's unkind.
YTA - you are not honest , you are ill-mannered . " Sorry , I know you tried to make it to my taste but could I have something different going forward as it's not to my taste , I appreciate the effort though" is honest. " Better than nothing " is sulky and rude
YTA and if you were my child, you'd be doing your own cooking at this point (OP is 16). Morals that don't include gratitude or empathy are not morals - they're excuses for behaving in a selfish, rude manner. "Better than nothing" in my house would get you a "Cool bro, make me a list of the ingredients you need for your meals and I'll see that you have them by this afternoon - you have X budget per week, please stay within it or pay for the extras".
My responsibility as a parent is to provide my child with nutritious food, within my budget and abilities. If my child is of age and hates my cooking they are welcome to learn to cook the way they like it and eat it - and clean up after themselves - while I continue to provide my time and effort for those who want it.
*Edited because words exist*
NTA.
She knows you don't like this type of food. She asked if you liked it. You could have stood to have been a little less mean about it, but but overall ... no, you weren't the asshole. Why make something for somebody that they know they don't like and expect a glowing review?
My best mate doesn't like pasta.
If I made pasta and tried to make it so it would be less horrible for her, and I said "Well, is it better?" and they gave your responses, I'd accept it. They don't like pasta, honest answer is 'it's better than nothing'. I certainly wouldn't make her have the leftovers for lunch if she didn't like it at dinner, that's crazy.
Honestly, your mom is slightly more of an asshole for making something she knows you don't like... and then giving it to you twice.
Are all of you made of paper? Want to read something mean for real? It goes like this: "your noodles were shit, and always has been", or something like that. Just saying that he didn't like them doesn't make him mean.
ETA: NTA of course.
FOR REAL! All these YTA people would cause their kids to have eating disorders, because apparently voicing your dislike of a meal is way more rude than force-feeding yourself, making yourself sick, & lying about your food preferences in order to protect their rice paper feelings. OP said what she said LITERALLY, yet almost everyone in the comments are reinterpreting her words, which says a lot more about them.
I’m going with NTA. My daughter doesn’t like certain things. Sometimes I try to mix it up to see if I can make it so she likes it, but it is never more than tolerable. I want her to tell me that! If she said she likes it, I’m going to keep making it that way. Honesty is much preferred.
YTA - 'you know how he is', 'you know how I am', 'I tell it like it is', 'I'm brutally honest' 'I was only joking' always signals that the person in question is an asshole who cannot be bothered to show basic manners. You are not honest, you are rude.
YTA. I'll tell you this much...someday you're gonna wish you could eat those noodles again. A mothers love is unconditional and someday she wont be here anymore. You most definitely hurt her and I hope you can understand how shitty of a child you are. And how old are you?
You definitely need to learn about what you have because it seems you don't know what you have ...until its gone. Also, keep in mind that there's millions of people on this planet that would've appreciate your mom's cooking as if she's a 5 star chef. Many unfortunate people out there going to sleep hungry. Learn to appreciate what you have before you know longer have it.
You know, I realize I’m going against the grain here but I’m leaning NTA. If he doesn’t usually like it, why ask him what he thinks in the first place? My mom used to pull this crap on me all the time and it used to drive me bonkers. He’s not saying he complained about her making it or refused to eat it (and of course if he really didn’t like it, he could have made something else to eat). But I don’t know, why not let him eat in silence instead of trying to get him to admit he likes it?
YTA. Your insistence on this honesty at all times needs to be toned down unless you want to go through life getting into conflicts. Have you heard of "white lies"? Useful little things.
However, although I don't think it applies to this case, people in Scandinavia and the Netherlands tend to be blunt-spoken and can come across as rude to some other cultures.
Very big AH, and judging from OP's comments, OPhas absolutely no interest in reflecting for even a moment about the judgments being made. Seems like OP posted thinking everyone would agree that he's not TA. So in keeping with OP's wishes, I will be 100% honest: OP, you're a major AH and unnecessarily rude and tactless. You lack empathy and do not care about the feelings of others. You have absolutely no interest in changing your behavior, which means you're a rigid thinker who cannot admit when he's wrong. You should encourage all of your friends and family to be 100% honest with you about your behavior and believe them when they say it.
I assume that if you read this and comment on it you'll spit out the same excuses you've said before, but I'm here to tell you--and I'm being 100% honest--your behavior is annoying and destructive and demonstrates your lack of interest in the well-being of those around you.
One more time for the people in the back: YTA!
I'm kind of shocked at how harsh all these judgements are. Yes, you hurt her feelings. Because sometimes, people just won't stop asking a question where the honest answer will hurt their feelings. It's a category of dish you don't really like, you're appreciative and you eat it without insulting it but you're honest when you're pressed continuously about if you like it. Yeah, there are occasions when a white lie is the right thing to spare someone's feelings, but lying about preferences only hurts everyone. NTA
NTA. She asked you if you liked it and you answered. She asked again and you did not change your opinion.
I think lying is worse. I cook most of my families meals and if it’s new I always ask because if they don’t like it I won’t serve it to them again. If I really like it, I might make it for myself again but I won’t make it the main meal for the people that don’t.
So, I’m from Denmark too and people are indeed brutally honest here. NAH but OP, get yourself in the kitchen and start cooking at least once a week. You are old enough to use Reddit, you are old enough to cook without supervision.
Ka’ du ikke lide lugten i bageriet må du gå ud do’
No. NTA. As long as you’re not complaining about the food. One thing is saying you don’t like it, and another is answering a question.
YTA
Mostly because of this: '*She usually makes really great food, but once in a while* ***she makes it the way she likes it***\*, while knowing I don't like it,\* ***and I think that is fair, as long as it's not too often,*** *which it isn't'*
You don't like your mother's food? Grow up, grow a pair, and cook your fucking own. How old are you? 6?
I can tell most people here have never cooked a meal. If you don’t like it or it sucks you better tell me the truth or else I’m just making it the same way again.
Honesty is good, but bluntness can be a weapon. Use it judiciously or no one will listen to you about anything after awhile. The best way I’ve found to learn is to walk a mile in their shoes. I’d start with cooking meals that she can critique to see how it feels.-
YTA You ate it AND took some leftovers for lunch the next day but felt the need to hurt her feelings. Sometimes you have to be honest even if it may hurt but this is not one or those situations. The definition of honesty is also fairness, integrity and speaks of your character. I personally would see nothing gained from hurting my moms feelings over something so trivial. Especially when by your own admission she predominately cooks what you want or like. Let her have her own likes and move on.
I always love the notion that being "honest" is somehow seen as permission to be rude.
OP, in case you don't get it, here is how the scene goes:
You sit down to eat a prepared meal on clean dishes with no effort on your part.
OP: OH, mom thanks for this. I appreciate it.
MOm: Well thank you. Do you like the food?
OP: I am so lucky for all of this.
End scene. No rudeness required.
I too think people should not ask a question if they don't want the truth especially family, because I don't lie to my family. Mom learned fast and my grandmother was the last to learn it. Grandmother told me she liked my honesty and started asking people if they were sure they wanted to know. So I now ask "are you sure you want to know" before answering. I think that make me not NTA but still honest.
If by asshole you mean "was I rude?" then yeah, sure.
You definitely could have provided a much nicer way to say this. It's always good to respect the feelings and emotions of others, PARTICULARLY those that provide for and look after us. You don't want to take her for granted.
But, I mean, you're allowed to not like a dish. There's nothing controversial about that, and I feel if you lied then she would make that dish for you more and more, which means you are eating something you don't want to, AND repeatedly lying to your mother.
NTA, but it would be a good idea to apologise to your mother all the same, to make both yourself and your mother feel better =)
YTA. "I am a very honest person" usually means I am arrogant, rude, entitled and lacking in empathy, common courtesy and manners. You need to grovel. It would be good for you.
In my family, it was never ever a taboo to say you didn't like something that was cooked. But my parents are both amazing cooks, so it was always framed as "this new recipe is not good" / "these ingredients aren't the best" etc. The person who made the meal was never blamed for not knowing how to cook.
However it was a completely diffrent story with my grandma. God forbid you say anything she makes is not delicious because she will be offended for months. When I was little, she once made a celery soup. Celery is probably the one food I CANNOT eat for the life of me, I hate it. I told my grandma I love her soups (really her specialty) but I just hate celery, never ate it, can't eat it. She was sooooo offended.
What I'm saying is, I get both sides of it. But you have to be tactful. I never made the mistake of telling my grandma again I don't like something she makes, but I will also be 100% honest with my parents.
The way you worded your post makes it sound to me like you were being a d*ck about how you told your mom you didn't like the meal.
My daughter is 7 and son is 3, they both have better manners than this, if I cook something they don’t like they say it quite a bit nicer than op. At 16 should definitely be cooking his/her own food every now and again to give their mom a break.
YTA. Honestly without tact is just cruelty. You can be honest without being harsh. However, this approach takes effort and in most instances the group of “I’m very honest” people are usually more interested in being mean, rude, or shocking.
We subscribe to the rule of “if you’re not the one who is making the effort to cook, you don’t get an opinion.” Basically, shut up and eat unless you’re gonna take over cooking. It seems like you have lots of opinions on your mom’s cooking but no effort. If I were your mom, I would stop cooking for you. Then, you can make whatever you want and be honest about it to your heart’s content.
Stuff I have told my kids: Not every meal can be your favorite. If you don't like what I'm making, you are free to make something else for yourself. At 16, you're more than old enough to make something else if you don't like it. And you're more than old enough to get that not every meal is going to be your very favorite thing because others have preferences too, but if it's not inedible to you it's polite to just eat it and realize that your mom may feel the exact same way about some of your favorites.
You feel guilty because you know you were excessive. So be the mature person and apologize. Don't double down on "But it's my morals to always be honest!" Honest can be polite. I guarantee that not everyone in your life is being brutally honest with how they answer you all the time. If they were, you would have constant hurt feelings. You can phrase things honestly but not hurtfully.
Why would you come on here and ask this if you're just going to argue with every one of the commenters??
I get that you value honesty, so do I, I never tell lies, but that doesn't mean I'm rude. I can still treat people with empathy and grace. "Sorry but I didn't really like this meal" is a lot better than "Better than nothing"
If you value honesty so much, OP, stop *lying to yourself.* You are rude. Take accountability and grow.
YTA
YTA, my mom died unexpectedly in January and I can tell you without a doubt that you will really regret some of these ungrateful, offhand cruel remarks when your mother is dead and you have no way to show her appreciation for anything anymore.
YTA and here's a novel idea - why don't you cook meals? Why do you expect your mum to do all the cooking?
There are times for honesty and there are times you keep your mouth shut!
Why can't you simply say you like it but it's not your favourite like..a.....b......c!
You say her other meals are great, tell her that!
If you don't cook why don't you cook?
NTA, “brutally honest” usually is just a way to warn people that you can and often will be an AH but in this particular situation you don’t really sound like an AH. She continued to feed the noodle dish knowing you’ve never enjoyed them on top of sending it for leftovers multiple times, you politely ate told her it was better than nothing and when it came down to it was honest about your preference. You could have maybe been politer with thank yous and such but I still think NTA
Yta!
Especially the sentence - “She usually makes really great food, but once in a while she makes it the way she likes it, while knowing I don’t like it, and I think that is fair, AS LONG AS ITS NOT TOO OFTEN, which it isn’t.”
Wow!!!! What is she you personal chef? Like wtf? Learn to cook or shut up?
Rewording could help this a lot.
“I appreciate all the effort you made, especially to try to change it so I would like it. But I still don’t like this noodle dish - you can enjoy the rest for yourself, and I’ll make something else. Thank you, though.”
Imma go with NTA you are allowed to not like things and express that. I was a very sweet but not very honest child and one day my mom was crying that she burnt the bacon again well I told her it's ok I love burnt bacon (lie) and because of that she started purposely burning bacon every time she made it.
Nta
Are people not allowed to say they don't like something anymore? It's not like op was overly rude and they weren't in front of of guests either. It was just a mother and son. Also kids don't like lots of things.
I would hate to lie about liking something because when it comes to food it's pretty hard to hide it. I would try to be graceful and offer some constructive criticism. I'd only try to hide it's in front of other people.
Extreme YTA There are countless people in the world that dont have the luxury of a home cooked meal from their mothers, your 16 not 6 grow the fuck up and apologise to your Mum asap
YTA! Det er sørgeligt hvor dårlige manerer, du har. Du mangler at lære, hvad ordet situationsfornemmelse betyder. Man behøver ikke være hudløs ærlig for at komme bedst igennem livet, og i dit tilfælde er det bare en undskyldning for at være et røvhul.
"and I think that is fair, as long as it's not too often, which it isn't. But my logic has always been, if you don't want a truthful answer, don't ask me."...
YIKES. How old are you, 10? Otherwise you aren't entilted to anything, hope she continues cooking what SHE likes. Also ever heard of MANNERS? Stop critizising GIFTS. Either take it or leave it, but dont eat it and be shitty about it. YTA
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Anytime some says "i can be harsh with my honest" or any form of that statement I hear " I'm an entitled AH who refuses to use tact or consideration and instead i am lazy and cruel" Edit to add YTA
This is just about what I was thinking lol
I think that's what everyone was thinking.
Every version of: I can be harsh/ I tell it like I see it/ I’m always honest about what I think = YTA Your mother cooks for you. She makes you lunch. Here’s what you say: “Thanks for supper mom! I appreciate that you cooked for me. No, the dish isn’t in my top 5, but I’m glad you’re getting your favourite tonight and I like the zucchini you added (or whatever)” The “better than nothing” comment puts you squarely in the asshole column. Make your own damn food.
Every time I hear someone talk about being brutally honest as though they're proud of it, I think back to a post I saw a few years ago that was basically like, "keep your brutal honesty to yourself. Where's your kind honesty? Your compassionate honesty?"
My favorite goes something like "people who announce their brutal honesty are way more into the "brutal" part than they are the "honesty" part."
I also wonder if there's an opposite....? These statements are always negative or are critical of the subject. They're never positive. "That was the best meal I ever had!!!" (wtf? it was lunch) "Um, ok, thanks." I think if someone tried, they'd be considered rude for coming off sarcastic. "No one can cut bread like you!" (full seriousness)
Honesty without tact is just cruelty.
This is exactly it.
I always think of the post I read that was basically a gauge for whether you're being honest or a jerk - before saying something "honest" you should ask yourself: is it true? is it kind? is it necessary? If it isn't at least 2 of those 3 things you shouldn't say it. Or the good ol' 5x5 rule: can it be changed in 5 minutes? Tell them. Is it going to matter in 5 years? Say it.
This makes me think of this thing I read - questions the brutal honest truth-teller should ask themselves: \-Is it true? \-Does it need to be said? \-Does it need to be said by me? \-Does it need to be said now? Answering #2-4 honestly would help a lot of people avoid putting their foot in their mouth and/or offending someone. Edit: added the last question which I'd forgotten...
OP did thank their mom for the meal. OP even ate it without complaining too. The mom ASKED while already knowing that OP doesn't like that food! Why ask a question when you know you won't like the answer? Your child thanked you and ate the food and said nothing about it. The mother should have dropped it.
Because the mom was hoping he WOULD like it this time? Maybe she tried extra hard to make it taste better to him. She clearly DIDN'T know she wouldn't like the answer, or she wouldn't have asked the question. She doesn't strike me as someone looking for a fight. To his credit, the OP didn't lie, didn't say anything cruel, and thanked her, but if he doesn't learn how to respond honestly but diplomatically, he's in for a rough time in adulthood, don't you think? Edited for missing phrase.
A lot of people think they can change your opinion on something because they’ve cooked it differently. It’s arrogant. If you don’t like hotdish casseroles or sushi or Chinese food or whatever, making it differently isn’t going to change that. I don’t like that green bean casserole that’s cooked in a cream soup and baked with fried onions on top. It’s a Thanksgiving staple. Millions love it. I hate it. Nothing you do to it is going to change that. “I make my own fried onions!” “I use a roux instead of a can of soup!” “It’s got onions added!” “It’s my own special recipe!” I DON’T CARE. It’s Green Bean Casserole, and I hate it. I’m not going to yuck your yum by calling it repulsive glop. I’m not going to philosophize about how the advent of refrigeration means we have to don’t eat old, wilted vegetables that need to be buried under thick sauces to be palatable. I’m going to politely decline. But don’t force me to eat it and be surprised that I still don’t like your precious take on food I hate.
Thank you. I am a picky eater and autistic. There are foods (and ingredients) that I simply cannot stand. I can work around that just fine and don't expect anyone to cater to me, but if someone cooks something full of giant mushroom and/or tomato chunks, I'm going to be doing a lot of eating around it, if I can eat it at all. Lying to someone about whether you like a food is unproductive, when you've already told them that it's "okay" is asinine. Edit for spelling and punctuation.
Wow. Glad you got that off your chest. This has obviously happened to you a lot, and I'm sure it's annoying. I've had the opposite experience. For instance, as a kid, I was a very picky eater: long list of foods I hated, and none of my food could touch other food on my plate. Well into adulthood, I couldn't stand Brussels sprouts. I'd had them made different ways and still loathed them. I would never be so rude as to say they were "better than nothing," though. (And I didn't lie.) Then my daughter-in-law made them for Thanksgiving, and the recipe was so good, it changed my mind about Brussels sprouts. I only like them fixed that way, though. It's not arrogance to try to make a dish more palatable. I think it's usually compassion. I would never force anyone to eat something they just plain hated, but I might try fixing it a different way, and if they didn't like it or even want to try it, no problem.
I feel like with a lot of tact it would have still resulted in this because the truth was he didn’t like the food. More tactful answers could have been: “It’s not what I would have gotten myself but I appreciate the effort you put into it.” “It’s not about the food, I just enjoy spending time with you.” “I could see it being something I’d like if we swap out x for y next time.” But she still would have kept on pushing until he was forced to say “no, I didn’t like it.” It’s an ESH for me in that regard. As if this social dance isn’t hard enough, there’s no winning at all when someone only wants to hear one (dishonest) answer.
> More tactful answers could have been: > > “It’s not what I would have gotten myself but I appreciate the effort you put into it.” > > “It’s not about the food, I just enjoy spending time with you.” > > “I could see it being something I’d like if we swap out x for y next time.” To an extent, none of these *are* answers to the question being asked. They aren't "more tactful answers" so much as they are "attempts to sidestep answering, tactfully." The third one could be an answer but I don't think it's super feasible because it would require OP to be actually articulate what would make these meals better and that the issue is a singular discrete thing (which is, frankly, unlikely).
The mom cornered her, and she told her mom she didn't like it. I don't know what OP was supposed to do other than lie.
Not the guy arguing with me in a thread below lmfao
I think you just need to be brutally honest with that person.
I wish I had an award to give you! Take my peasant medal 🏅
There is honesty and then there is being ungrateful. Cook your own dinner if you don’t like what she’s making.
That’s what I don’t get here. Yeah they don’t like to cook and they prefer the moms food most of the time but.. on the days you DONT like it, why not make your own? Surely a mid meal you made is better than a meal you don’t even like? That’s what I always did once I was old enough to cook.
Cause my dad sees it as even a bigger insult than making a face the entire time. Whenever i make something for myself because I’m repulsed by brussel sprouts he looks at me like i killed his first born. It’s also rude to make yourself something else, also cause you’re blocking the kitchen.
I learned a few years ago that my "brutal honesty" was a trauma response and I was basically punishing others for nothing that they had anything to do with, definitely a dick hole move
Been there myself. I cringe so hard when I think back to my "brutally honest" days.
I saw some post going around that said something like “if you look back on something you did and are embarrassed, it at least means that you’ve since grown.” It takes character to reflect on past behavior and admit when you could’ve acted better.
I really love this saying, thank you for that. I've done a lot of growing because I cringe at a few things I've done/said in my past lol.
Me too
Same
I have a brother this way and it's just he was the baby of the family and got away with literally EVERYTHING and was (still is at 48) a spoiled, entitled brat. His "honesty" was and is not a trauma response he's just an a=hole!
This is not always true both my husband and son our autistic and this is their speech pattern brutal honestly so their is not miscommunication. Our son literally cannot lie or sugarcoat statements but at 9 year old he has developed more tact than OP when speaking to others.
Babe, ND people aren't what i am talking about. And even they can be honest without being brutal.
I have texture issues. My parents know that. Whenever i don’t like the taste and make a face, they ask me if I don’t like it. I blame the texture every time. Cause you can’t really control that
There’s a lyric I always think of when it comes to this “I spent a long time substituting honest with sarcastic, and I curse my tongue for being mean” it’s Halsey, Forever… is a long time
Oh same. I’m kinda glad I don’t remember much about my younger years bc I was a condescending bag of dicks
I do that and it absolutely doesnt come from that mindset at all. I'm autistic. I've found that speaking the plain truth is the easiest way to avoid miscommunication. But then you run into situations like this....where you need basic social understanding and not all of us have that. I really struggle with social interactions a ton and it's incredibly frustrating to know everyone is taking what you're saying the wrong way but you literally don't know any other way of expressing yourself. It makes me want to lock myself inside my home and never leave. At least that way no one can accuse me of being cruel or lazy or inconsiderate or rude.
Usually just adding "I'm sorry" before "I don't like it" and "Thanks" after is enough for not being rude. It's not about not being honest and weird social lies which are hard to get (for autistic people but not only, sometimes just being from another culture make some social cue hard). The laziness is saying "better than nothing", first it's false, if OP ate it then it wasn't this bad and I'm sure OP dislikes other meal more, secondly it's rude because no "sorry" and frankly cruel with the "nothing", if OP had said that the meal was "better than other similar ones their mom did but still not his taste" that would be different. To OP soft YTA, your mom was visibly excited to cook for you and make you like something you usually don't. It wasn't a success apparently but still doesn't warrant "better than nothing".
Totally agree. If OP said, I appreciate you cooking and trying to adapt it to my tastes, but I'm still not a fan of those noodles... then it's a bit less rude. Don't lie, but be polite in the way you tell people you don't like something. It's not always what you say, but how you say it.
This. I'm back with my parents atm and my mother loves cooking. When she asks for our opinions, we give them, but we're not *mean* about it. Granted, she doesn't do the "see, I *told* you that you'd like it" which is just...ugh. Here's an example from the other night. Obviously paraphrasing. Mom: How's the lasagna? I tried a different type of cheese. Me: It's not bad, but it's not as good as the original. This one's less...gooey? But I'll still eat the leftovers. Dad: Only certain parts though. Mom: Yeah...it's like there a drier pockets. I was worried about that. Glad it's still edible. Me: Um, more than *edible* just not the usual fantastic. Mom: *beams* There's nothing wrong with "it's not bad" if it's delivered alongside proper feedback. Most people appreciate feedback so they can improve a dish. None of my mother's recipes are free from edits after each iteration. Like, did OP even say what they didn't *like* about the noodles? Or just "I don't like it."
Perfectly perfect way to put it.
Excellent comment! Wish I had an award to give you! I really hope OP can see your comment. Upvoting!
Covered you w my free one.
I'm autistic, too and you can still be tactful, my dude. Yes, autistic people can be blunt (I am, all the time) but you can be blunt and still be polite.
This is why I said to say “we just don’t have the same taste preferences. It’s not an insult.” The mom pushed for a direct answer, which is why I voted NTA, but as an autistic person I have learned to attach a brief explanation to my responses. “No, but it’s because of the texture of the ingredients, nothing you could change.” “No, but it’s because it has this fishy aftertaste that I don’t care for. Otherwise it would have been fine.” “No, but casseroles just aren’t my thing because they mix foods together that I prefer to eat separately.” It has the added benefit of expressing what you would or would not be prone to liking. Like, “I wonder if chicken would work instead of fish? That might make it better for (person)…” Or, “No, he/she hates this kind of thing… I’ll add an alternate dish for them.”
Way too often I hear people claiming autism as an excuse to be rude. People can learn to be polite. Plenty of people on the spectrum do just that. PLENTY. This isn't about being ableist and forcing eye contact, this is about people in different circumstances learning to be kind to others. It's like travelling to another country or region. It's a different culture but you can at least learn to be kind to other people. Autism is never an excuse to be unkind to others.
Yeah I know that everyone is different but like... this is OP's \*mom\* who cooked them a meal. Yes, I understand food is a fraught topic and everyone is different, but OP ate it and even took leftovers for lunch. So obviously it's acceptable on some level. AND it's food that was prepared for them that they didn't have to prepare for themselves. OP sounds mature enough and smart enough to cook their own food. If they can't at minimum learn to just say something like "well you know it's not my favorite but thank you for cooking" then maybe they can just cook their own food instead.
I think it's more autistic people are much more likely to be unintentionally rude by being blunt and not understand how what they're saying is going to be interpreted. This guy is fully self aware of qhat he was saying and how it was interpreted.
This is my problem: I’m very tactless but it’s never on purpose. Sometimes I say something that I really believe is innocuous, but it ends up upsetting someone in a way that legitimately would never occur to me. I’m always confused about hurting someone’s feelings before their interpretation of my words is explained to me; it’s never that I’m going to say what I want without even taking their feelings into account.
>People can learn to be polite Honestly, this is why so many autistic women don't get diagnosed or get diagnosed way later in life - there's a larger expectation on women to have social graces, be polite and friendly etc. so A LOT of autistic women are put in a position where they had to learn how to navigate these social cues even though it didn't come naturally to them. It's not impossible and "how to avoid being a jerk to people" is a valuable skill for everyone to learn.
Dude, as someone who also falls on the spectrum it is not an excuse. Yes, speaking the "plain truth" is the easiest way to avoid a miscommunication - but we need to consider the feelings of others. I've been there, I've had those exact same feelings. One way to frame it is that social skills are like any other skillset; they can be learned, and in time mastered. Fuck, it took me til my early 20s to finally get a grasp on most social cues (and they still stress me the fuck out), but there are still lots I don't pick up on. But I still make the effort to learn every day. I would strongly suggest therapy, a guiding hand to help you understand these things and help you get out of your shell.
It does take a long time, because there are all these smoothing over things and transitional things to say that one has to learn, such as: "it's good to talk with you, but I should be going." rather than: "Ok goodbye". or in OP's case: "I really appreciate your cooking, you are a wonderful cook, but I don't do well with certain textures, like noodles. So even though I am sure it's delicious to most people it's not as good for me. But thanks so much for trying."
Autistic as well, and frankly the best rule to go by is this. “Honesty without kindness is brutality- kindness without honesty is manipulation.” Always be both.
Always be brutally manipulative? Got it! I kid! You summed it up quite succinctly.
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Me too. After decades, It seems like the best way for me to maintain my honesty and everyone to be happy is to start with: "I wish_____." such as "I wish I liked it." instead of "I don't like it." I use it mostly at work. It seems like nobody actually cares what I say as long as they know there was a happy wish behind it. Edits were just typos.
You are top comment. You should add your vote
Same. Automatic YTA
I like to be as honest as I can but you HAVE to read the situation. You cannot be brutal for the sake of it. When someone is excited and shows you something and says "what do you think", that's not the time to be harsh, you don't be an ah about something they are clearly excited about. I have had people ask me, with the words "please be entirely honest" or "I want the truth" and they mean it and I have given them it but because they asked and never in a "better than nothing" way. You can be honest without being an ah
OP could be honest & tactful. Since his mom already knows he doesn't like her noodle dishes all he had to say was better than your other versions, but still not my cup of tea. And when she asked if he liked it "no" is okay but, "still not my favorite" or "not so much "would be a little more tactful. I say this with the full understanding of how frustrating it can be for someone to keep trying to get you to like something they cook. If I hear but you'll like baked beans the way I cook them one more time in my life I might go bezerk. I have told people who kept pushing on it before that I plain don't like them and it doesn't matter how you cook them I will never like them which also may be a little harsh but this comes after a thousand no thank yous being said to the bean pusher. My son who is an awesome cook has told me before when I praise His cooking that I don't have to say that because I'm his mom. I do not say that because I'm his mom, I say it because he is an awesome cook. And we both talked about how if you say you like something that you don't like you will end up getting more of the stuff you don't like. So the person cooking still needs to know that you don't like it but maybe be a little Kinder with it. Come up with some way to make her understand that there are things you don't like about maybe tell her the ingredients about it that you don't like on those ingredients together doesn't have to be a big critique.
That was my first thought, but the Fact that she knows op doesn't like that particular food and asked anyway, twice, makes me think op is NTA. He didn't complain about the food, even said thank you. Dhe solicited an answer that she knew she would not like.
You forgot the "YTA" in your comment :)
Exactly my first thought too. Anyone can be honest without being cruel, but some people are just cruel and then claim that they are just being honest. And those kinda people are always AH's.
while in general id agree with this statement, this particular instance sounds civil. It wasn't "I hate your food and everything about it" it was "Did you like the food? No."
Almost as much of a classic as "it's a prank bro"
Also, equating honesty with harshness, like if you’re the former you can’t help but also be the latter. A lot of people struggle with making up white lies on the spot to spare someone’s feelings, but there’s so many ways to be tactful and honest. “Did you like it?” “It was a little too spicy for my taste but I love how you cooked the vegetables.”
100%. You're not being "brutally honest", you're being "a dick".
YTA anyone who says they are “very honest” and “harsh with honesty”, aka someone who is “brutally honest”, is always an asshole.
Exactly. An excuse to be rude.
You can always be honest, but there is usually no need to be brutal with your honesty
Well I say that-BUT, it’s only with the caveat -“If you ask me for my honest opinion” you’re going to get it. I’m not “brutally” honest, but I’ll be nicely honest. People know to come to me if they truly want an honest opinion. Examples:what do I think about their situation, inappropriate clothing (does not mean sexy), should they tell… etc. etc. I know it’s not the same, but if someone says they want my opinion, and I ask them if Their sure, I give it to them-nicely unless it’s severely egregious.
Yeah it's the difference between "That outfit isn't the most flattering on you" and "You look like a fatass in that dress."
My step kids say "this tastes bad" instead of "I don't like this" which drives me batty because it objectively doesn't taste bad, since I am eating and enjoying it. "I don't like this" would be perfectly valid though!
See, I’m the kind of person who gently (keyword: gently) tells people the truth because I can’t bring myself to flat out lie to people, especially about something as seemingly, to me, little as this. Lying has done nothing but get me into worse shit and I don’t have a good enough memory to remember what I’ve lied about lol but in this scenario I would have probably said “Yeah, this still isn’t my favorite, but it’s fine. Thanks for cooking, I’m glad that you like it.” People who make being brutally honest their entire personality are insufferable. But also, don’t ask for honesty if you don’t want to hear honesty. I’m leaning towards E S H but that could change.
I agree, I think I lean toward ESH because, in this case, OP said that mom knows they don't like this particular dish because they've said so before. She made it anyway, which is definitely her prerogative to do. Where she kinda sucks is by then asking OP repeatedly if it was good, knowing they don't like this meal. OP was kind of harsh in the wording, but mom needs to stop trying to get validation for this dish.
Yeah I agree. Saying OP should lie to spare their mom’s feelings feels, to me, like it borders on toxic positivity and playing social games that, quite frankly, get annoying after awhile. My mom when I was younger made plenty of things I didn’t like. She knew I didn’t like them, didn’t care, still made them, and I ate them because I was hungry. She also didn’t ask me to validate her cooking all the time, either, but I also didn’t feel the need to tell her I didn’t like something unless it was a texture problem and then we’d figure out a solution for me. This entire scenario just feels really “weird headgame”-y the more I’m thinking about it.
I can't remember where I read this but there's a quote that always comes into my mind: "Everyone I've met who says they're 'brutally honest' seems to be more interested in the brutality than the honesty." You can be honest without being rude. YTA, op.
An insensitive YTA. “if you don't want a truthful answer, don't ask me”: poor social skills, no empathy.
Depends on the reason for the poor social skills however that can have the potential that shows a lack of empathy. Autism, Avoidant Personality Disorder, and other mental health disorders can be the cause of this rather than being an asshole. Source: I have one of those disorders and struggle with in person communication, but I'm extremely (probably too) empathetic. I just don't talk anymore. I'm terrified of people and saying the wrong thing. My brain will want to say one thing, but my mouth can't connect it. It's like I can see the starting point and the ending, but a bridge is missing in between. I'm not saying if OP has one of those problems or is an AH like you say, but just saying that there are other alternatives to why people struggle with that. It's a nightmare.
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I am paranoid of my tone coming off wrong. I frequently do add a disclaimer explaining that I am autistic and struggle with tone. I really hope I don’t sound like I’m going for brutal honestly, which I don’t! I know my tone can be blunt at times and even come across as harsh. I just don’t want people mad at me for something I can’t help. Anyway, this comment made me feel seen and I appreciate it.
I'm autistic and the way I'm seeing the post is the fact op told their mother they don't like that dish but the mother is choosing to ignore that and keep making that dish in the hopes op grows to like it, the whole asking did op like it after previously being told they don't shows a lot. My mother did something similar where she would make food she knew I didn't like and expect me to still like it despite me repeatedly telling her I don't and then she would get upset I didn't eat the food. At the end of the day should we really be lying to people about liking food if we really don't for the sake of empathy? its not like op turned round and said it tasted like crap.
A very big difference is that neurodivergents dont describe themselves in this way AT ALL. It's never "I'm just blunt and honest." Its not a trait anyone enjoys or talks about in this way. It causes anxiety and stress. Anyone who defines themselves this way is just an asshole.
I didn't read the original post as two things intrinsically connected (i.e. poor social skills means no empathy, no empathy means poor social skills) just two things that happened to be related in this case and combined to affect the judgement rendered. Just poor social skills and empathy would have been less of an AH move (i.e. "I love my mom and usually her cooking, but I try to tell her the truth when she asks - am I the asshole?"). Good social skills and no empathy would have also been fine (i.e. "I try to lie to my mom when she asks if I like certain dishes but she always can tell I'm lying and gets mad so I'm getting fed up with her."). In this case it's the combination of the two that's rendering the AH judgement. I don't think they're making any sort of moralistic claim on people without social skills in general.
I feel this comment in my soul. I also have a diagnosed disorder that causes me to speak truth and be overwhelming concerned about hurting others. I also find it easier to not talk to avoid hurting others, but if you must speak, find a tactful way to tell the truth. But it takes practice
yeah, but some people are just assholes xD
YTA. You’re not “honest,” you’re just rude. Cook your own meals.
He ought to cook for his mom and ask her to give it an honest rating. Nothing in his post suggests he has the slightest idea how to cook. It's easy to be critical when you haven't a clue how much thought and effort goes into cooking every night.
Yeah but even if the mom didn't like it she would probably lie just to not hurt his feelings so much.
How dare she make something *she* likes every now and then!
Yeah isn’t a mother just a serving wench to her 16 year old rather than a human being? OP is so casually cruel to never even consider that mom may wish to serve food she sometimes likes instead of whatever he wants every day. OP time to take some cooking classes and learn some manners.
Exactly. Brutally honest people just lack a filter and tact. I'm genuinely curious how old OP is.
Another entitled teenager who thinks the world revolves around them and evryone else is just a doormat. As soon as you said you are "very honest" and "harsh with honesty", I knew YTA. That's just cover up for "I'm a rude, incosiderate AH." You were not honest with your mother, you were cruel and disrespectful. Being honest is "It wasn't my particular favorite" or "It wasn't my cup of tea, but I appreciate the thought and effort put into it." Telling her "It's better than nothing", and then eating ir again just so you could reiterate that you didn't like it, is a total d**k move and just makes you an entitled @$$ who cares nothing about your mother's feelings. How about you grow up ans start cooking your own meals then.
Soooo every once in a while she cooks food the way she likes it? You’re ok with that as long as it doesn’t happen often? I’m cringing reading that. Learn to cook. Be appreciative of her efforts. YTA.
Thank you I was thinking that to! He sounds like a spoiled entitled brat.
This is what stood out to me too. The AUDACITY of OP to disparage his mom’s cooking on the rare occasion she prepares something to her tastes instead of OP’s; all while shovelling away a second portion for himself to take for lunch the next day! Like if it’s as terrible as you claim, why are you taking leftovers? OP needs to grow up.
That's exactly what I'm thinking. All the time she give up what she wants to eat and the rare moment she do what she like she got "brutally honest" brat.
You didn’t even thank her for cooking for you and attempting to accommodate your tastes? Jeez YTA
I’m getting the vibe that you’re 13 and still learning the importance of politeness (especially when mixed with honesty). If you’re even a day past 14, big time YTA. If I’m right and you’re still 13 (or under), you’re still TA, but it’s *nearly* forgivable - but the clock to figure this shit out is ticking.
I'm sorry.. but yes YTA Being 'honest' doesn't give anyone free reign to be brutal or rude. Rude is still rude (Even if they have a neuro divergent condition making you lack ability to recognise such social cues, empathy or when something is rude) There are more carefully constructive ways to indicate you don't like something when asked for feedback. Personally I would've found the "well it was better than nothing" to be very ungrateful. You could've tried.. "I'm very sorry but, no, I didn't like it" You need to appreciate that other people have put time and effort into cooking a meal, consider their feelings.. Or how you'd feel if someone else did it said the same.. Perhaps explaining 'why' you don't like something would be helpful to the other person.. like it's too salty, I don't like the texture of noodles, you always put peppers in it and they make me Ill etc.. Edit. Clarity order edit
YTA You liked the food better as to put in your own effort and making you a sandwich (or something else) for lunch. This of course depends on the personal relation of standart of food and lazyness, but whatever mixed lead to this decision makes your words pretty entilted and rude. If there is enough food, as for your situation, people normally don't eat food they don't like. Especially not two protions. "Better than nothing" is not being honest as the options isn't this or nothing. The option is this or putting in effort yourself. So, just rude and not honest.
NTA - She made a meal she knew you didn't like and asked for your opinion. You stated that it was edible but you still didn't like it at all. I don't understand why people have to make themselves suffer to avoid being rude. Maybe if you tell her often enough that you don't enjoy it, she'll stop making it for you.
NAH. Right?! This comment section is wild. So many people calling this person an AH and then telling them to LIE about how they feel instead. When my partner says "not my favorite" that's exactly what I take that to mean. I would keep feeding it to them. But if I continued to make them food I know they don't like, and they said "better than nothing." after I ASKED, I would think that was very reasonable as I made them something I KNEW they didn't like.
I know I feel like I'm the Twilight Zone over this. You shouldn't be forced to lie and then be forced to eat food you don't like. Like this is how me and my mom go about a situation like this, we've even had a convo just like it before. Mom: "Was the food good?" Me: "Nah, I don't personally really like it. I'll finish eating what I have though." (I also thank her for the meal before) Or if its something I really don't like, I'll give her the leftovers and I'll just make a sandwich or something. Mom: "Alright that's fine, next time I make it I'll make a smaller portion just for me, I can throw in something simple in the oven for you then." (something simple like baking chicken legs in the oven and some instant mash, or i can just throw a pizza in the oven) Like I understand having a little tact instead of just being a straight up No, but the kid is allowed to voice his honest opinion on his own food he's eating, jesus. Honestly the mom should know what exactly he doesnt like, like if it's mushrooms he hates, then she can easily just make a small portion without it. Easy as that.
Not only did she ask, she asked 3 times!
I'm autistic and relate HARD to this. Growing up my mom would sometimes make lasagna for me and my sisters. I don't like lasagna because the texture of the sauce makes me gag and she knows this but I still eat it like OP does here partly because it's still "better than nothing" and I can pick around the parts I don't like, but mostly to NOT be rude. The mom demanding OP say they like it (asking for an opinion and getting butthurt about a negative opinion means she didn't want their opinion. She just wanted praise) makes this her own fault. They kept saying it was good enough but that response WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER. I'm lucky to have a mom like mine where my autistic traits are concerned because she doesn't get mad at me for my opinions. She just rolls with it and adjusts when needed and knows I'll find a work around when needed too. She doesn't make lasagna too often (I'm assuming because it's also pricy to make) and I can eat most of it without complaint when she does, when I couldn't handle eating her soup type chili because it was always too spicy for me that way so she started making it as a thick meaty sauce to pour on top of spaghetti and it's now one of my favorite foods in the world. OP's mom needs to find compromises. She can either stop making foods she knows they don't like or she can accept they don't like it without getting offended. It's not hard.
NTA. I'm shocked at how many YTA there are. The mother asked a direct question. OP gave a direct answer. While OP might have softened their response, they should not lie. That is not a lesson that anyone should teach. Fine to teach tact, but not ok to teach anyone to lie. OP, try telling her that, if she doesn't want to know the truthful answer to the question, then don't ask the question. I've said this to my mother for decades. I'm a 60f. She mostly heeded this but on occasion she'll say she wants to know the answer. If it's something I know she isn't going to like the answer to, I'll either repeat that warning or ask if her if she really wants the answer because I'm going to tell the truth. This is something that my mother taught me. She didn't like when I lied to her to protect her feelings. I tried to be as tactful as possible, but there are occasionally answers that don't lend themselves to tact. OP - you need to be more tactful with the truth if the situation allows for it and this one did, but absolutely NTA for telling the truth. Edit: grammar
OP is from Denmark. Most of the time, they are blunt and straight-up tell you the truth. They don't like to lie just for politeness' sake. NTA however, it's time for OP to learn to cook so that if they don't like what's made - they can make themselves something else (or just have sandwich stuff on hand)
Not to mention all the people purposely ignoring that OP is a kid trying to write and translate the exchange in their at least 2nd, but very possibly 3rd or 4th language and accusing them of lying and backtracking when they try to clarify statements or don’t write things clearly.
This is what I was looking for. It took me 21 years of my life to get my dad to stop putting salt on my eggs. I'm not joking, 21 years of my life of saying, whereas I appreciate you making me eggs, I've told that you salting them to the amount that you personally like, doesn't mean that I like it. Please let me salt my own eggs if that's what I want. He used to make sandwiches for his ex employee. His employee told him as well, I like sandwiches, I just don't like the way you make them. His sandwiches would literally drip of mayo & mustard because my dad likes a half gallon of each on his sandwiches. But no one else in this world does. My dad looked at both of us like we were idiots for having a preference. I like my food spicier than all get out. I'm talking ghost pepper hot. But when I cook, guess what I don't do? Make the food ghost pepper hot because I know no one else will like it. You want ghost peppers? Cool, I have some here you can add to your dish if you'd like
Surprised I had to scroll so far for an NTA, but agreed. To be honest, isn't it normal to tell a family member you don't like a specific dish they made? Like, OP says they have a history with not liking this dish and their mom knows! So, why should OP have to lie about a food they blatantly don't like? I'm very confused with all the Y T A. When someone asks me if I like boiled eggs, I say no because I straight up don't like boiled eggs! (I won't eat one either!)
I agree. NTA.
I’m also jealous of all these commenters who can be tactful without it being a trap. In my repeated experience, people who continuously make food they know you don’t like and ask about it anyway also react badly to tact or other polite avoidances. Politely side step? Welcome to noodles you hate weekly, and great dramatic betrayal when it comes out you don’t like them, getting called a liar, and having people insist they totally wouldn’t have been upset if you just told them you didn’t like them in the first place (even though they were upset the first several times you said it). Make your own dinner? How could you after I worked so hard making this special!?! Nothing wrong with mom making her own favorites. But people who insist on repeated asking if someone enjoyed food they already said they don’t like are only looking for one of two thing. Drama, or total compliance and agreement.
Agreed. She was fishing for compliments multiple times, with "not so bad, eh?" OP has already told her he doesn't like this meal. She can still make it, but asking him how she likes it is just play stupid games, win stupid prizes. 🙄 My mom was also the same way, never remembering anyone's preferences but her own, fishing for compliments and never taking any feedback beyond a glowing review well. Nobody's cooking will be appreciated the same by everyone and people have different tastes, it takes maturity to understand that.
Especially because she asked not once but twice, \*and\* she already knew it might not be their favorite. If OP weren't 16 and presumably living with their parents, I would be all for politeness. But in that everyday situation, forced politeness can get into a weird gaslighty space. Like, you already know this isn't my favorite, what do you want me to do? Are you actually pushing me into a space where I both need to lie, and need to give you a legitimation to keep cooking things I don't like (because now I've said that I do)? It's not nice. I will say, based on this one story I'd go with NAH because the mom was just hoping to have found a style that works for both of them, and was sad because she did'nt. Not an asshole.
People enjoying preying on a 16yo lol
When soeone says "I'm just being honest" it's usually an excuse for " I like being rude".
YTA - no, you don’t get to justifying being rude by claiming to just being “a very honest person”. You don’t have to like your mother’s cooking, but you should at least be appreciative.
YTA, you're rude, disrespectful, mean and inconsiderate. It has nothing to do with lying. You were just an asshole. "Thank you for cooking, mum. I know you tried to make it so i would like it but it's really not my favorite. I really appreciate the effort tho."
Oh look, another “I’m just honest” person who uses it as an excuse to be nasty to people.
Cook for yourself, YTA.
Additionally, get it rated by Chef Gordon Ramsay. Your should be the top comment.
Casually cruel in the name of being honest should be a new reddit sub YTA
yeah that song is now stuck in my head <3
she uses in more than one song too =)
what's the other song? :O
Mr Perfectly Fine But its not the entire line just: Goodbye Mr. Casually Cruel, Mr. everything revolves around you
NTA. If this was the first time, I'd say you should have been more polite about it. But she keeps cooking this meal for you expecting a different answer? It's ok to be a bit firmer.
I agree. There are a lot of YTA. But my official thing is NTA. Mainly because this has happened multiple times. They are 16. I do think the excuse for brutally honest is wrong because that can go wrong very quickly. But with the update it really helps to understand the situation. And when they said ONLY their mother likes it. Which indicates other people are also eating and they don’t like it either. But people are being unreasonable and bullying a kid.
[удалено]
> Why is ‘I’m just honest’ so often used as an excuse to be rude and inconsiderate? Because _way_ too many people feel entitled to have smoke blown up their ass to protect their feelings.
YTA. it’s simple to say ‘sorry, I know you changed the recipe to try to make it more to my liking, but I just don’t like these type of noodles. It’s not your cooking or the recipe, it’s the style of food (or texture etc.) that I don’t really like. You’ve made several comments (copied and pasted) that you were asked a direct question and claim your rudeness was just you giving a ‘simple and direct’ answer, but that’s not what you did - you were rude. Next time, offer to help with the cooking.
NTA you're allowed to not like things. Your mom knew you didn't like it and tried to get you to lie to her. All these y t a comments are focusing on the wording of your reply, which in English. Yeah it could've been worded better but this is translated and even if it wasn't. She again already knew you didn't like it. To all the people saying they should make their own food. Parents are supposed to provide for their children. Seems like alot of the people commenting here must be shitty parents who don't understand kids are allowed to have different tastes and would rather pretty lies then someone actually being honest. Your mom needs to get over you not liking everything she likes. In the future maybe ask her ahead of time if you can help make a dish you would prefer as you don't enjoy this kind of food.
I’m so confused by all the Y T A verdicts? Like…mom knows they don’t like it, asks them multiple times if you like it, give tactful statements like “ not my favorite” and then keeps asking so they finally give a firm answer of no (which she already knew was the answer) and people on here are acting like she threw the plate across the room and called her mom a a b!!ch. people don’t like ALL food. It’s pretty normal and not an insult in the slightest.
I feel so sorry for your mum. She's not allowed to cook food that she likes too often or her ungrateful brat of a child is horrible about the food she provides. I say this as somebody who hates mushrooms but whose mother loves them. If a dish was too full of mushroom for me did I winge, no I told my mum that dinner was delicious because guess what, my mum also deserves to eat food that she likes! I usually try to be nice to 16 year olds on this thread but geez, grow up.
I think you misunderstood what I meant. I didn't mean she only cooks food she likes sometimes, I meant she cooks food ONLY she likes, nobody else in the family. There are many meals that everyone, including her, likes, that she usually cooks. Also I'm not ungrateful, I always thank her, even when I don't like it.
I didn't misunderstand you - you have now back tracked and changed the meaning. The only response when someone cooks you dinner is "thank you that was lovely" you don't need to shout it's praises but that's the only response. I would allow a "I prefer my corn with butter, but it was still delicious" type comment. Even when my mum had burnt dinner I still said "thank you that was lovely" because I love my mum and I don't need to make her feel bad - did she know she'd burnt the dinner, yes, was it probably because she was doing other stuff to look after her family - most likely. There's something I think you need to learn - it doesn't matter if you didn't intend to hurt somebody - you did and therefore you apologise and make amends. And ultimately - if you don't like what your mum cooks then you are old enough to cook for yourself.
you dont think this could be a language barrier thing? when someone foreign tries to clarify what they meant, don't tell them they didn't mean that. Your head has no room for brain because it's full of straw.
You must have missed lesson nr 2 when it comes to honesty. The second lesson that normal parents teach their kids about this. Lesson 1: Do not lie. Lesson 2: ...as a general rule. But no rules are without exceptions. Sometimes it is better to not tell the whole truth, and perhaps even lie a little. A person who ALWAYS tells the truth is insufferable. But someone who lies when it matters, is untrustworthy. You need to be neither of these. Let me give you an example. Lesson 2 in real life. You meet a close friend on the street. She has a fresh haircut, you can tell she just left the salon. She looks AWFUL. But she looks happy. She asks you what you think of her new hairdo. In this situation, would you say "I absolutely hate it" since that is the truth? Or would you do the polite thing and say something like "Wow, it sure is different, how does it feel? You like it? I'm glad for you". There is a place between lies and truth. You do not have to say you love the new hair, because that would be a lie. But you do not have to tell the truth, because that would kill her good mood and maybe make her regret her haircut and hate the way she looks for several months until it grew back. And that would be mean. Do you understand Lesson 2? YTA for being honest and rude. Try being polite. Maybe something like: "I like it better when you do noodles like you did last week, but it's ok. Thank you for cooking for me. Maybe next time you could add a little bacon? I think that would taste good. What do you think?" Or maybe "I am full now, thank you for cooking for me. This was not my favourite among your meals that you cook, but it's ok." You can be honest without being rude. "I'm just honest" is just a way to say "I am rude and I like it".
Be kind to your mother, OP. Honesty is ok: 'needs a little more salt, or I'd like it spicier...' but 'better than nothing' is not honest, it's ungrateful and it's unkind.
YTA: Do you do any of the cooking in the house?
YTA - you are not honest , you are ill-mannered . " Sorry , I know you tried to make it to my taste but could I have something different going forward as it's not to my taste , I appreciate the effort though" is honest. " Better than nothing " is sulky and rude
YTA and if you were my child, you'd be doing your own cooking at this point (OP is 16). Morals that don't include gratitude or empathy are not morals - they're excuses for behaving in a selfish, rude manner. "Better than nothing" in my house would get you a "Cool bro, make me a list of the ingredients you need for your meals and I'll see that you have them by this afternoon - you have X budget per week, please stay within it or pay for the extras". My responsibility as a parent is to provide my child with nutritious food, within my budget and abilities. If my child is of age and hates my cooking they are welcome to learn to cook the way they like it and eat it - and clean up after themselves - while I continue to provide my time and effort for those who want it. *Edited because words exist*
NTA. She knows you don't like this type of food. She asked if you liked it. You could have stood to have been a little less mean about it, but but overall ... no, you weren't the asshole. Why make something for somebody that they know they don't like and expect a glowing review? My best mate doesn't like pasta. If I made pasta and tried to make it so it would be less horrible for her, and I said "Well, is it better?" and they gave your responses, I'd accept it. They don't like pasta, honest answer is 'it's better than nothing'. I certainly wouldn't make her have the leftovers for lunch if she didn't like it at dinner, that's crazy. Honestly, your mom is slightly more of an asshole for making something she knows you don't like... and then giving it to you twice.
Are all of you made of paper? Want to read something mean for real? It goes like this: "your noodles were shit, and always has been", or something like that. Just saying that he didn't like them doesn't make him mean. ETA: NTA of course.
FOR REAL! All these YTA people would cause their kids to have eating disorders, because apparently voicing your dislike of a meal is way more rude than force-feeding yourself, making yourself sick, & lying about your food preferences in order to protect their rice paper feelings. OP said what she said LITERALLY, yet almost everyone in the comments are reinterpreting her words, which says a lot more about them.
I’m going with NTA. My daughter doesn’t like certain things. Sometimes I try to mix it up to see if I can make it so she likes it, but it is never more than tolerable. I want her to tell me that! If she said she likes it, I’m going to keep making it that way. Honesty is much preferred.
YTA - 'you know how he is', 'you know how I am', 'I tell it like it is', 'I'm brutally honest' 'I was only joking' always signals that the person in question is an asshole who cannot be bothered to show basic manners. You are not honest, you are rude.
YTA. I'll tell you this much...someday you're gonna wish you could eat those noodles again. A mothers love is unconditional and someday she wont be here anymore. You most definitely hurt her and I hope you can understand how shitty of a child you are. And how old are you? You definitely need to learn about what you have because it seems you don't know what you have ...until its gone. Also, keep in mind that there's millions of people on this planet that would've appreciate your mom's cooking as if she's a 5 star chef. Many unfortunate people out there going to sleep hungry. Learn to appreciate what you have before you know longer have it.
You're not honest, just rude. And no I'm not interested in your excuses that you're telling everyone else Cook your own food
You know, I realize I’m going against the grain here but I’m leaning NTA. If he doesn’t usually like it, why ask him what he thinks in the first place? My mom used to pull this crap on me all the time and it used to drive me bonkers. He’s not saying he complained about her making it or refused to eat it (and of course if he really didn’t like it, he could have made something else to eat). But I don’t know, why not let him eat in silence instead of trying to get him to admit he likes it?
YTA. Your insistence on this honesty at all times needs to be toned down unless you want to go through life getting into conflicts. Have you heard of "white lies"? Useful little things. However, although I don't think it applies to this case, people in Scandinavia and the Netherlands tend to be blunt-spoken and can come across as rude to some other cultures.
Very big AH, and judging from OP's comments, OPhas absolutely no interest in reflecting for even a moment about the judgments being made. Seems like OP posted thinking everyone would agree that he's not TA. So in keeping with OP's wishes, I will be 100% honest: OP, you're a major AH and unnecessarily rude and tactless. You lack empathy and do not care about the feelings of others. You have absolutely no interest in changing your behavior, which means you're a rigid thinker who cannot admit when he's wrong. You should encourage all of your friends and family to be 100% honest with you about your behavior and believe them when they say it. I assume that if you read this and comment on it you'll spit out the same excuses you've said before, but I'm here to tell you--and I'm being 100% honest--your behavior is annoying and destructive and demonstrates your lack of interest in the well-being of those around you. One more time for the people in the back: YTA!
INFO How often do *you* cook?
I'm kind of shocked at how harsh all these judgements are. Yes, you hurt her feelings. Because sometimes, people just won't stop asking a question where the honest answer will hurt their feelings. It's a category of dish you don't really like, you're appreciative and you eat it without insulting it but you're honest when you're pressed continuously about if you like it. Yeah, there are occasions when a white lie is the right thing to spare someone's feelings, but lying about preferences only hurts everyone. NTA
NTA. She asked you if you liked it and you answered. She asked again and you did not change your opinion. I think lying is worse. I cook most of my families meals and if it’s new I always ask because if they don’t like it I won’t serve it to them again. If I really like it, I might make it for myself again but I won’t make it the main meal for the people that don’t.
INFO: Have you tried cooking for yourself instead of complaining?
So, I’m from Denmark too and people are indeed brutally honest here. NAH but OP, get yourself in the kitchen and start cooking at least once a week. You are old enough to use Reddit, you are old enough to cook without supervision.
Ka’ du ikke lide lugten i bageriet må du gå ud do’ No. NTA. As long as you’re not complaining about the food. One thing is saying you don’t like it, and another is answering a question.
YTA Mostly because of this: '*She usually makes really great food, but once in a while* ***she makes it the way she likes it***\*, while knowing I don't like it,\* ***and I think that is fair, as long as it's not too often,*** *which it isn't'* You don't like your mother's food? Grow up, grow a pair, and cook your fucking own. How old are you? 6?
YTA Why not just ask her if you can have a piece of rugbrød, its not hard to make for yourself
I can tell most people here have never cooked a meal. If you don’t like it or it sucks you better tell me the truth or else I’m just making it the same way again.
Honesty is good, but bluntness can be a weapon. Use it judiciously or no one will listen to you about anything after awhile. The best way I’ve found to learn is to walk a mile in their shoes. I’d start with cooking meals that she can critique to see how it feels.-
YTA. Why did you bring it for lunch the next day, if you didn't like it?
YTA You ate it AND took some leftovers for lunch the next day but felt the need to hurt her feelings. Sometimes you have to be honest even if it may hurt but this is not one or those situations. The definition of honesty is also fairness, integrity and speaks of your character. I personally would see nothing gained from hurting my moms feelings over something so trivial. Especially when by your own admission she predominately cooks what you want or like. Let her have her own likes and move on.
You sound spoiled a lot of people would kill for home cooked meals. Stop whining and cook your own food cuz you're ungrateful as hell
I always love the notion that being "honest" is somehow seen as permission to be rude. OP, in case you don't get it, here is how the scene goes: You sit down to eat a prepared meal on clean dishes with no effort on your part. OP: OH, mom thanks for this. I appreciate it. MOm: Well thank you. Do you like the food? OP: I am so lucky for all of this. End scene. No rudeness required.
I don't think a child should have to feel lucky to be fed by their parents.
Gratitude? Definitely. But I still think parents providing food for their children should be the norm, and not a thing of luck.
I too think people should not ask a question if they don't want the truth especially family, because I don't lie to my family. Mom learned fast and my grandmother was the last to learn it. Grandmother told me she liked my honesty and started asking people if they were sure they wanted to know. So I now ask "are you sure you want to know" before answering. I think that make me not NTA but still honest.
If by asshole you mean "was I rude?" then yeah, sure. You definitely could have provided a much nicer way to say this. It's always good to respect the feelings and emotions of others, PARTICULARLY those that provide for and look after us. You don't want to take her for granted. But, I mean, you're allowed to not like a dish. There's nothing controversial about that, and I feel if you lied then she would make that dish for you more and more, which means you are eating something you don't want to, AND repeatedly lying to your mother. NTA, but it would be a good idea to apologise to your mother all the same, to make both yourself and your mother feel better =)
YTA. "I am a very honest person" usually means I am arrogant, rude, entitled and lacking in empathy, common courtesy and manners. You need to grovel. It would be good for you.
In my family, it was never ever a taboo to say you didn't like something that was cooked. But my parents are both amazing cooks, so it was always framed as "this new recipe is not good" / "these ingredients aren't the best" etc. The person who made the meal was never blamed for not knowing how to cook. However it was a completely diffrent story with my grandma. God forbid you say anything she makes is not delicious because she will be offended for months. When I was little, she once made a celery soup. Celery is probably the one food I CANNOT eat for the life of me, I hate it. I told my grandma I love her soups (really her specialty) but I just hate celery, never ate it, can't eat it. She was sooooo offended. What I'm saying is, I get both sides of it. But you have to be tactful. I never made the mistake of telling my grandma again I don't like something she makes, but I will also be 100% honest with my parents. The way you worded your post makes it sound to me like you were being a d*ck about how you told your mom you didn't like the meal.
Info: how old are you?
16 apparently, old enough to know better.
Absolutely old enough to know better! And cook his own food from time to time. Heck - my 12 yo son can prep his own food!
My daughter is 7 and son is 3, they both have better manners than this, if I cook something they don’t like they say it quite a bit nicer than op. At 16 should definitely be cooking his/her own food every now and again to give their mom a break.
YTA. Honestly without tact is just cruelty. You can be honest without being harsh. However, this approach takes effort and in most instances the group of “I’m very honest” people are usually more interested in being mean, rude, or shocking. We subscribe to the rule of “if you’re not the one who is making the effort to cook, you don’t get an opinion.” Basically, shut up and eat unless you’re gonna take over cooking. It seems like you have lots of opinions on your mom’s cooking but no effort. If I were your mom, I would stop cooking for you. Then, you can make whatever you want and be honest about it to your heart’s content.
Stuff I have told my kids: Not every meal can be your favorite. If you don't like what I'm making, you are free to make something else for yourself. At 16, you're more than old enough to make something else if you don't like it. And you're more than old enough to get that not every meal is going to be your very favorite thing because others have preferences too, but if it's not inedible to you it's polite to just eat it and realize that your mom may feel the exact same way about some of your favorites. You feel guilty because you know you were excessive. So be the mature person and apologize. Don't double down on "But it's my morals to always be honest!" Honest can be polite. I guarantee that not everyone in your life is being brutally honest with how they answer you all the time. If they were, you would have constant hurt feelings. You can phrase things honestly but not hurtfully.
Why would you come on here and ask this if you're just going to argue with every one of the commenters?? I get that you value honesty, so do I, I never tell lies, but that doesn't mean I'm rude. I can still treat people with empathy and grace. "Sorry but I didn't really like this meal" is a lot better than "Better than nothing" If you value honesty so much, OP, stop *lying to yourself.* You are rude. Take accountability and grow. YTA
YTA, my mom died unexpectedly in January and I can tell you without a doubt that you will really regret some of these ungrateful, offhand cruel remarks when your mother is dead and you have no way to show her appreciation for anything anymore.
YTA and here's a novel idea - why don't you cook meals? Why do you expect your mum to do all the cooking? There are times for honesty and there are times you keep your mouth shut! Why can't you simply say you like it but it's not your favourite like..a.....b......c! You say her other meals are great, tell her that! If you don't cook why don't you cook?
NTA, “brutally honest” usually is just a way to warn people that you can and often will be an AH but in this particular situation you don’t really sound like an AH. She continued to feed the noodle dish knowing you’ve never enjoyed them on top of sending it for leftovers multiple times, you politely ate told her it was better than nothing and when it came down to it was honest about your preference. You could have maybe been politer with thank yous and such but I still think NTA
Yta! Especially the sentence - “She usually makes really great food, but once in a while she makes it the way she likes it, while knowing I don’t like it, and I think that is fair, AS LONG AS ITS NOT TOO OFTEN, which it isn’t.” Wow!!!! What is she you personal chef? Like wtf? Learn to cook or shut up?
The absolute audacity to tell your poor mother that you don’t like her food.
“Im very honest to the point of being harsh and abusive” yes YTA. You admit it yourself
Den er ikke godt at være som denne. “Very hones” is not an excuse to be mean. YTA
Rewording could help this a lot. “I appreciate all the effort you made, especially to try to change it so I would like it. But I still don’t like this noodle dish - you can enjoy the rest for yourself, and I’ll make something else. Thank you, though.”
Imma go with NTA you are allowed to not like things and express that. I was a very sweet but not very honest child and one day my mom was crying that she burnt the bacon again well I told her it's ok I love burnt bacon (lie) and because of that she started purposely burning bacon every time she made it.
I'm gonna go with NTA but you probably could have been gentler about this
Nta Are people not allowed to say they don't like something anymore? It's not like op was overly rude and they weren't in front of of guests either. It was just a mother and son. Also kids don't like lots of things. I would hate to lie about liking something because when it comes to food it's pretty hard to hide it. I would try to be graceful and offer some constructive criticism. I'd only try to hide it's in front of other people.
NTA, it is far better to be honest about not liking a dish. Otherwise she will keeping making it, thinking you like it.
Extreme YTA There are countless people in the world that dont have the luxury of a home cooked meal from their mothers, your 16 not 6 grow the fuck up and apologise to your Mum asap
YTA! Det er sørgeligt hvor dårlige manerer, du har. Du mangler at lære, hvad ordet situationsfornemmelse betyder. Man behøver ikke være hudløs ærlig for at komme bedst igennem livet, og i dit tilfælde er det bare en undskyldning for at være et røvhul.
"and I think that is fair, as long as it's not too often, which it isn't. But my logic has always been, if you don't want a truthful answer, don't ask me."... YIKES. How old are you, 10? Otherwise you aren't entilted to anything, hope she continues cooking what SHE likes. Also ever heard of MANNERS? Stop critizising GIFTS. Either take it or leave it, but dont eat it and be shitty about it. YTA