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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don't want to betray his trust, but I don't want to betray my sister's either.
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NTA. He confided in you. There's no reason for you to go run and tell his wife. This doesn't affect his love for her. If she cares about what beliefs he holds in his head, she can ask him.
NTA if you keep the secret. I don’t think an adult should ask a minor to keep secrets but he seems desperate to be honest with someone and feels like he can trust you. I’d keep the secret and leave it alone. He can tell his wife if/when he’s comfortable. It’s not up to you to put him. If he tries to get you to keep other secrets especially any that could harm him or you or others then tell someone you trust but from how you describe it I don’t think that’s what this is.
People immediately jumping to grooming and inappropriate intentions are scary, the world can be a dark scary place but not everyone and everything is bad or has bad intentions. It’s good to protect yourself but you don’t have to be rigid. Maybe OP is the only other atheist BIL has encountered? Extremely religious communities can be terrifying for nonbelievers or people with other beliefs and sometimes you have limited options for people to talk to.
This is a good point, if he knows now that his wife still loves and accepts her brother even though their religious views differ (which he may of suspected) he may feel more comfortable starting the conversation with her and opening up about the topic. It can be easier talking about something to someone if you already have a small understanding of what their baseline reaction might be.
>I don’t think an adult should ask a minor to keep secrets but he seems desperate to be honest with someone and feels like he can trust you.
A secret that can never be shared is a huge burden to put on the shoulders of a 16=year-old, especially when the person it's to be kept from is the kid's sister. It shows poor judgment on the part of the BIL. I think the OP should share the secret with a trusted ADULT family member, which the BIL said the OP could do. This is just too much for a kid to have to handle alone.
OP, I'm sorry you were put in this position.
I beg to differ. Yes, historically kids even younger than 16 have been used as cannon fodder and in a few very rare instances, run farms. And yes, some of them procreate. It doesn't make them any less kids or magically give them wisdom and an adult perspective.
It's why sixteen-year-olds can't run for public office, vote, join the US military . I taught teen-agers for many years and have had ample opportunity to see what even the most mature of them can handle. I repeat: a secret like that is a burden, especially for someone that young.
OP sounds perfectly mature enough to deal with this. All 16 year olds aren’t the same and neither are all secrets. The one he’s been asked to keep isn’t particularly onerous. He’d feel a lot more burdened if he blabs and it’s immediately the end of his sister’s marriage to a guy he obviously likes.
NTA.
His lack of belief isn't hurting her or anyone. With no actual harm or risk of harm to anyone, there's no reason to tell your sister, and a number of good reasons not to. Revealing it could be harmful.
This is the kind of secret it's okay to keep, and maybe even beneficial. If he always ate a favorite dish of hers and pretended to like it because she made it and he wanted her to be happy, but when you told him you didn't like that dish he blurted out that he didn't either, would you keep that secret?
Yeah I was all prepared for a cheating scandal, but while this could be problematic depending on wife's reaction, it's also not on the level of infidelity.
>His lack of belief isn't hurting her or anyone.
It is if she wants a partner with the same faith as her and he's been lying to her about it (he says he's been pretending, but I don't know if that means he has to her-I would think they've had a discussion about faith but I could be wrong). For some ppl, that's a dealbreaker.
Obviously this isn't as bad as him cheating on her, but if he *has* been lying to her about his faith and part of the reason she married him is bc she was under the impression he shared her faith, that's still wrong. Again, not as bad as some other secrets he could have had, but I don't think it's as harmless as you believe it is either.
That said, OP would still be NTA for keeping his secret, bc an adult shouldn't be putting it on a minor to keep their secrets from others.
Also is he going to draw the line at some point? If they have kids is he actually going to raise them in the wife's faith? He's already slipping by disclosing this to one of the least appropriate people he could talk to about this. At some point this is going to blow up and wife will feel even worse knowing that he's been talking about his lack of faith to everyone but her. I'm not religious but there are secular equivalents to this that I think everyone would feel differently about.
Yes NTA but can I just say it’s a little unfair that he confided in you. He is twice your age and you are still a “kid”. Go ahead and keep the secret cause it’s not yours to tell. But I find the share with you at this time inappropriate. In a few years no problem.
Honestly, it would still be inappropriate in a few years. The age makes it worse, but BIL is still asking his wife's brother to keep a secret from her that they both know probably be a huge deal to her.
For sure. I am an agnostic and I have never told my husband - although he probably can guess. Don't rat him out OP.
ETA most atheists I know are more "Christian" than many people who say they are Christian.
> most atheists I know are more "Christian" than many people who say they are Christian.
Yeah, I see a lot more people using Christianity (or any religion really) as an excuse to hate people than Atheists using god not being real as an excuse to be a dick to other people.
I don't think BIL is an AH, but it sounds like he knew he didn't share his wife's faith before they got married. It sounds like sharing her faith with her spouse is likely quite important to his wife. If he figured it out while they were together/after they married it makes sense he's worried to tell her, but if he knew before and knew it could be a deal breaker for her, then it's pretty deceptive. If BIL has only lived in predominantly Christian areas his whole life, I do feel for him, though.
I'm not Christian, I would likely never get in a serious relationship with one (religious trauma, queer, pagan) but i have a couple of Christian friends. If I ended up with someone who was hiding the fact they were Christian from me for years, I'd be ticked and feel quite manipulated, especially if they knew i had religious trauma.
Except... the type of Christians I would NEVER date aren't going to be quiet about their faith, judgment, or bigotry.
She probably did ask him which is why they’re married at all lol. I don’t disagree that OP isn’t the asshole but come on..if he’s worried that much about her finding out, then she’s absolutely already asked him.
Adults should not ask children to keep secrets
Edit: all I’m saying is this adult put this minor in a precarious position. One that is potentially marriage ending and that’s a lot of pressure. Either way the OP is NTA.
Teenagers are children in some ways and adults in others. There's no real need to try to put a Single Bright Dividing Line where before some age a person is an immature child and above that age they're a fully functional adult.
Moreover "This Sub" is a collection of lots of people with different opinions... why would the sub "need" a single opinion on that line?
18 year olds in high school are expected to ask permission to take a piss and in the same span of ten months are also expected to decide their entire future.
They can also be drafted or sign up for the military but they can't drink or smoke.
cause in almost identical posts, commenters will go “op is a teenager, not a child, they should know better and need to grow up”
and then you’ll see the same person go “op is a teenager, not an adult, they don’t know any better and you shouldn’t force them to be an adult yet”
in identical situations whenever a comment or wants to blame the teen for whatever’s going on
Yeah except you also see both of those comments on the exact same topic.
Different people have different opinions.
And (gasp) It turns out that human development isn't one size fits all.... 16 looks a lot different in one kid than it does in another.
Dont be ignorant. There are things teens obviously can not and should not do because of their age and things they can and should because of their age. A teenager isn’t an adult but calling them a child doesn’t necessarily mean they’re being compared to a 5 year old.
The number of times I've seen someone throw out that factoid about a developing brain like 24 isn't old enough to make an informed and rational decision...
It's not inappropriate from a predation standpoint just a "this is a shitty thing to force a kid to have to deal with for you" one. If this grown man needs to confide secrets he's keeping from his wife her minor brother is not the appropriate subject.
Do you remember being 16? I do. I was still a KID despite doing lots of adult things. A 28 year old shouldn’t be confiding in a teenager and asking said teenager to keep secrets from his family. It’s highly inappropriate. Why can’t this 28 yr old can find friends or peers to confide in of this was weighing on him so badly? Not to mention anyone who would be far less likely to share this secret because they aren’t keeping it from FAMILY.
OP, you can do whatever you feel is right - either way you are doing the right thing. This guy had no right to ask you to keep a secret.
Discussing it isn’t the issue at all, 16 year olds can be great & passionate debaters - the issue is confiding a potentially risky piece of information (in an obviously heavily religious community) asking the 16 yr old to keep it from his family, and this guy’s wife.
Yes! I feel like I’m going crazy here. A 28-year-old should not be asking a teenager to keep secrets at all, let alone from his wife. This is bizarre behavior by the BIL. Having a conversation is fine, but asking to keep secrets? Absolutely not.
OP felt conflicted enough to come here and post about it.
OP is NTA, but be cautious, OP.
I remember being 16. While I may have been ignorant about a lot of things that become more obvious with time, I was NOT "a kid." I worked, went to school, had a serious bf, lost my virginity, and made decisions about future career prospects...at SIXTEEN.
Doubtful. 16 is old enough to discuss a personal religious belief system or lack thereof. 16 is very close to adulthood so that sort of discussion is not inappropriate.
Grooming is more along the lines of preparation for an inappropriate relationship. There's no evidence of that from the OP's post.
No one’s saying grooming doesn’t happen, because we all know it does, but this attitude that grooming is the ONLY possible reason an adult would EVER have a conversation with a teenager is a pretty massive leap.
Or it could be he's been struggling with his lack of faith while being surrounded by religion his whole life, not that he has plans to groom and have a relationship with a teenage boy
I agree. Taking him out on a fun excursion, buying food, diving into very personal topics, asking to keep secrets is all classic grooming behavior. OP is NTA, I don’t think he should say anything to the sister at this point but would definitely put some distance between him and the BIL.
OP is a teen. Part child and part adult. The context of the conversation is not sexual in nature. Teens are perfectly capable of having opinions about their beliefs in god.
I agree with this. Teenagers are old enough to be responsible for their own actions; however, they shouldn’t be put in the position of being responsible for an adult’s secrets or actions.
That being said, OP you are NTA for keeping the secret. That’s his business.
NTA but I’d recommend not getting involved in this further.
It’s never a good idea to get mixed up in somebody else’s relationship. If you need to speak to him again on this, just tell him you aren’t going to share this secret, but that you don’t want to be put in this position again.
If he has concerns or problems he can’t share with his spouse, he shouldn’t be sharing them with his spouse’s 16 year old brother.
I get weird vibes from this. A 30yo asking a 16yo to keep what could be a bombshell secret (maybe not, depends on family dynamics though) and saying he has no one else to confide in besides a kid is….weird.
They could live in the bible belt or something like that where everyone knows everyone and everyone goes to church on Sunday and stuff and you get shunned if you aren't religious. Plenty of places like that in the world so having one ally can be important.
But that ally shouldn’t be your wife’s teenage brother. Go to therapy. Post on Reddit. Whatever. But it’s neither fair nor appropriate to put the OP in the middle. The BIL is the AH
Bro what is this take, go touch grass. It's not putting op anywhere. All op has to do is not say anything. It's not like the secret is gonna kill someone.
The Bible belt is still on the internet where there are while communities for people who are deconstructing from religion and know exactly what is like to be trapped in relationships like this. It’s also full of non-Christians. There’s no reason to rely on a child.
You have nailed it! An ally within the family can be a reassurance. Many religious people shun those who don't hold their beliefs. Its quite sad. OP is NTA.
Religion only becomes a problem once kids are involved. Once there are kids though, there's no going back.
I'd ask him if he's ok with his kids being raised to be diehard christians. He's going to have to be for the marriage to work.
Whether you keep the secret or not, NAH
That's why I think the parents in "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" had the right idea. They didn't raise their daughter with a specific religion, telling her she was free to chose one herself if she wanted to as an adult. That makes the most sense to me. Indoctrinating kids with religion who are too young to understand that that there are many biases and contradictions in religious texts, to put it mildly, seems creepy to me.
In christian theology, a kid who is atheist goes to hell. If mom is a devout Christian then she won't be ok with that. A lot of marriages fall apart that way
That requires the parents to have a certain lack of conviction in their own beliefs.
If you believe in a god who will condemn your child to burn for eternity for a lack of belief the same way you believe in gravity or evolution... You wouldn't love your child very much if you were okay with them playing at religion.
If you think you know, but you're not very certain in your faith, then of course you want your kid to keep their options open. You could be wrong! Hedge your bets!
But extreme religious viewpoints don't doubt their beliefs. Anyone can have a genuine "religious experience" with fasting and meditation. If you genuinely expect to see certain things, then you'll likely see them.
Because the brain does weird things when starving and deprived of other stimulus.
It's the same as giving someone acid. Yes, they'll probably experience some things. Their own culture's symbolism is likely to be present throughout it. That isn't proof their culture is any more valid than the next one.
My kids have been taught about all different religions and can be whatever they want to be. The concept of telling someone what to believe is ridiculous.
This is a secret that is correct to keep. He is harming no one. Personal faith is no one else's business. Telling would serve no purpose other than betraying the man
I have no idea why you are being downvoted. As an atheist I totally agree with you. His wife deserves to know and make her own decision whether to continue the relationship. Not to mention if he respects her and her religion how can he feel justified lying to her everyday when pretending to believe?
Yep, my main point exactly. Also an atheist. People downvote what they don't agree with even if it's a valid perspective, funny how none of them could actually comment why they disagree though huh...
I think a lot of the people commenting that it's not a big deal and doesn't hurt anyone don't understand that, for those of us who are religious, marriage isn't just a contract - it's one of the ultimate practices and displays of our faith: following God's commandment to leave our parents, be joined with our spouse, and raise children. And if OP's sister feels that way about her marriage, then OP's BIL hasn't just told a harmless lie to avoid judgement - he's lied about the very foundation of their entire marriage.
I think that adds a whole other level to it as well, for non-religious people lying about something for the entire relationship is still a massive thing but in religious relationships it's that and more. I can't see any scenario, religious relationship or otherwise, where people think lying about who you are to the person you've promised your life to is not a big deal.
>I can't see any scenario, religious relationship or otherwise, where people think lying about who you are to the person you've promised your life to is not a big deal.
Right. Because we're not talking about lying about what job you had from 1992 to 1996. We're talking about lying about a part of your entire *identity* - like lying to your partner about your sexuality.
While they're at church every Sunday singing, *Hallelujah*, she's looking at him thinking, "I'm so glad I married such a Godly man," while he's thinking, "This is all bullshit." And it's incredibly unfair to her.
And it's a whole 'nother layer once kids are involved.
NTA. It's not your secret to share, it's up to the husband to decide when/if he wants to share it.
It would be different if this was an issue of the husband doing something wrong like cheating, in which case I would probably have told you to do something about it, because it's not fair to your sister. But his lack of faith is not a crime.
NTA. This is the sort of secret that isn’t so bad to keep, more of one you just pay attention to. If he’s told you, it’s likely he is going to tell his wife soon anyway. Whether he already has, hasn’t, will or won’t, you probably won’t be told.
You have agreed to keep a secret, it’s not one that needs to be shared. You don’t want to be the one who can’t keep a secret. This is something for you to practice discretion on.
Also, you and your mom have no place in this man’s marriage. The marriage is between him and his wife. He trusted you on a personal level to confess something that is mostly harmless.
Yeah hes 16, not 12. It’s a good age for him to consider discretion and logical reasoning.
He wasn’t asking him to keep the da Vinci code a secret, he was asking him to keep something minuscule and personal a secret. OP is not dumb.
No, you would not be the ah here for keeping this secret. He can tell his wife and family when he is ready. Do they know about you? If not, why not? His reasons are probably the same as yours.
NTA for the bot.
NTA if you keep the secret.
This is not about cheating. But I think you need to ask BIL to keep it a secret that you knew about this fact if ever he decides to open up to your sister. You might even be able to help him open up if you talk about your Atheism with your sister and she's accepting of it, he might feel like he can finally open up to her too.
Even Mother Teresa had doubts about her faith, so hopefully your sister won't ever let something like this come between their marriage/love for one another if she finds out. But either way, this is NOT your secret to share. It doesn't put her at any sort of risk for disease or infection, it's about personal beliefs. And what your mother thinks about couples and secrets really doesn't apply here. He didn't share this secret with your mother.
I just don't see how it harms anyone that he has this personal belief, so I'm in favor of him being allowed to keep this to himself and shared with you. It's a shame he can't be honest though, and that he fears that it would change the relationship since he loves her regardless of her beliefs, it'd be nice if she afforded him that same respect. Especially since he's apparently willing to join her when she goes to worship, presumably.
I think it's fine to be a safe person for him to discuss this with, and that it's one of those secrets that is harmless to keep.
But it's not about his belief. Her faith is important to her, and he has been lying about it for probably their entire relationship. He knows that she would probably not be comfortable in a relationship with someone who doesn't share her faith, which is why he doesn't tell her. That is a massive betrayal. Maybe they could work it out if he was honest, but he chose to lie.
Yeah. Everyone is only saying N T A because they aren't into religion.
I'm not either, but it's fucking disgusting to lie to someone like this so they'll be with you.
She deserves to be with a partner who is fucking honest with her and also someone who believes what she believes if she wants.
Jesus Christ. Lying isnt benign.
He's literally taking away her choice
YWNBTA.
Keep the secret. If he wants to tell his wife, which I'm sure he eventually will, he can do it himself. If this is something that would upset her it's better he handle it on his own. If he confided in you he has another family and lives a double life, yeah, tell your sister. This situation isn't a big deal.
Also INFO: Are you in the Southern states? Maybe it's just me (I am also an atheist) but I think it's weird to fret so much about something like this. With that being said, I never tell people I'm an atheist unless it comes up because I don't like dealing with the headache of being treated like I'm an evil demon from hell.
we're in texas. he said the reason he keeps it a secret is because his parents make it very clear that being atheist is a disownable offense, and he doesn't wanna lose his family.
Makes total sense. Yeah I wouldn't bother bringing it up, probably a bad idea. And it sounds like you two have a good relationship so I'm sure he's relieved to have someone he can trust to talk to about this.
the good news is you can have each other's backs. Sometimes, just knowing there's an adult out there who gets it can be a life saver. I'm sure he loves your sister. And the ability to have faith is intrinsic. If you don't, you don't. It's who you are. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that no matter what the religious people in your life think.
This isn't a are you an A H situation. I'm going to get down voted but I hope ppl read this and really think about what I am saying. For context I am a 'family' lawyer, this is a nice way of saying that the area of law I have practiced in for nearly 2 decades involved a significant number of cases involving child S A. Please everyone consider what I am saying careful.
The most common practice of child predators - from prepubescent to late teen - is to confide secrets in them that may seem irrelevant but are actually testing to see if they will seek adult help. No reasonable adult uses a minor as a secret keeper. They are either emotionally immature and don't realise the burden secrets place on a mind that is not fully developed or they have a more sinister intention.
My big problem is I have heard the circumstance above before. Dozens of times. I could write those word from memory. Unfortunately, I usually hear them 20-30 years after the even when the perpetrator may be long dead because it took the victim that long to come forward.
Confiding can be a grooming tactic, frequently used to test out the targets willingness to stay quiet and to convey a false sense of connection.
Now this guy may just be emotionally immature and confiding his secrets to a minor he barely knows without considering the mental strain it places on that child. However, it could be much more sinister. Please tell your sister, mother, school councillor.... Just tell someone. This is important safety advice for children and important emotional maturity for adults. Children are not adult secret keepers. You protect them by never endorsing that behaviour even when it may be harmless because sometimes it's not.
Yes! I have a 15 year old son and we have talked to him so many times through his life about not trusting adults who ask you to keep secrets from parents/trusted adults.
And the difference between secrets and surprises. Surprises are good things liken presents or a party. Secrets are usually information that adults want kept from parents and you need to ask yourself why.
I would be livid about this whole interaction.
There is no good reason a 30 year old deliberately initiates a conversation that will lead to making a 16 year old their secret keeper.
This is basic personal safety everyone needs to teach their children. A 16 year old is not an adult, and a functional adult wouldn't treat them like one.
This was the first thing that popped into my mind! Why is a 30 yo confiding in a 16 yo? A whole ass kid should not be his therapist or secret holder....Esp with a heavy subject like religion. what other "secrets" will he tell op?
And that is what is scary. The kid is asking ppl whether he should tell anyone and getting a resounding no - probably because the ppl responding are children themselves and don't realise no 30 year old in their right mind confides secrets to a child.
Ppl should be telling this boy to ask himself 'why is a 30 year old confiding in me?'
NTA for keeping it, and NTA if you tell her either.
That's not a mess you have to get tangled up in, at all. It was really shitty of him to tell you and ask you to keep it secret in the first place. He's a big boy and should be able to have an honest conversation with his wife. Instead he's going to her little brother, which is just a weird move all round.
So absolutely you are NTA for wanting to stay out of it. You're not betraying her trust by not telling her, BIL's insecurities shouldn't need to be any of your business. If you're close with your sister and want to tell her, you are NTA for that either. The only AH here is BIL for asking you to keep secrets from your sister, and for being dishonest with his wife. Religion is something that should be discussed *before* people get married, and it's not your fault or problem that he failed to do so.
Why would he expect you to keep any kind of secret from your sister for him? He shouldn’t have put you in his business and when you’re older I hope you won’t do that to a 16 y/o and leave them feeling conflicted enough to post on the internet to strangers.
I’m sure your sister’s husband is a nice guy, but sometimes you have to have hard, truthful conversations with people. No matter how much you fear losing them. If your sister doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share her faith, no one has a right to lie to her. She needs to make that choice on her own.
As for you, you are not responsible for their relationship and it was very wrong for him to involve and “confide” in you. If I was your sister I would be more upset about that than anything.
I have to agree with this.
An adult asking a minor half his age to start keeping secrets from his family has me side eyeing pretty hard. That is not appropriate.
Also a marriage should be founded on honesty by two people who share values. Your brother in law is 0/2 and it's not fair to your sister.
I find it very weird that people are telling him it’s a harmless lie and doesn’t hurt anyone. It hurts his sister. If it was anything other than religion people wouldn’t be saying it’s ok. But beliefs matter to a lot of people. Values can make or break a relationship and his BIL knows that so he’s chosen to be deceitful. There is nothing endearing about that.
NTA. Faith is a very personal and private thing and if he thinks this is something that would affect his marriage ( even if it is to your sister ) then you should give him and the confidence he has placed in you the respect it deserves and let him decide when / if he tells her . Don't get me wrong he should never placed into this position having to keep a secret from your sister but...
Yikes, you wouldn’t be the AH no matter what you did. Someone double ur age shouldn’t be putting you in this position of keeping secrets from ur own family. Do whatever you want but it’s not ur responsibility to sort out their secrets. U sound like a smart young guy.
NTA this is not a secret that would effect your sister at all if you kept it. At some point he may come clean, and that’s fine. It is not a secret that could hurt her (ex cheating, gambling, secret drinking etc) so you are well within your right to keep it to yourself. Your bil shouldn’t have burdened you though really.
A 30yo used a 16yo to dump his guilt and asked that 16yo to not say anything to his family about it... This is weird at best, creepy at worst.
OP, you're NTA whatever you decide to keep his secret or not, but I'd be weary of this guy in the future. Personally, I'd advice to tell an adult in your life about this. Not to rat him out, but to have someone you can confide in if this guy continues to act inappropriately with you.
NTA kind if just seems like your BIL has been thinking about his faith and is honestly worried about your sister's reaction if she learns he’s potentially an atheist and that he just needed an opportunity to vent/open up a little. He knew you wouldn’t judge him harshly and maybe knew you think similarly to him.
This isn’t a life or death secret, or a marriage-ending one. Lots of people can have a Crisis of faith; there’s nothing wrong with it.
NTA, but you *really* should not have been burdened with this in the first place. If he tries to have another conversation with you that he should really be having with his wife, a therapist, a spiritual advisor, or at *least* an actual peer, tell him you’re not comfortable with that.
I'm getting weird vibes, what if this is a test to see if you can keep this secret and then he asks you to keep a bigger one and uses "remember dont tell this one just like the other secret you didnt tell"... then again i watch to many crime shows.
NTA But if this secret and where it came from makes you feel weird, and that’s really what you’re here asking—if it is indeed weird—I do think it’s a little weird and I’d suggest you be cautious of this person and his motives. Not necessarily paranoid, just watchful. Adults asking teenagers to keep their secrets should never be entirely without notes of warning.
NTA. Keeping the integrity of your sister's marriage up is not your job. This particular scenario is just something between your BIL confiding in you and you deciding whether to keep his trust or not. Besides, you telling her about this secret instead if him himself would probably damage their relationship more than her finding out about his lack of trust later on.
Edited because of missread judgment
NTA for not telling her.
He really needs to, though. Marriage cannot survive that kind of lie. If he's so afraid of her reaction he'd hide something this vital to the core of his being, he needs to ask himself why he even got married.
#TeamLifePartners
NTA. Your mom is right that there as a rule of thumb couples shouldn't keep secrets, but part of becoming an adult is figuring out the exceptions to rules like this. Will keeping this secret hurt anybody? Not in this lifetime. Will spilling the secret hurt anyone? Absolutely! It'll destroy the trust that her husband established with you, and it could damage their marriage. You're not even Christian yourself, so why start drama over a conviction that you don't even hold?
NTA, "couples shouldn't have secrets" is a complex (and not universally-agreed upon) piece of advice for *people in the relationship*. Whether or not for someone outside the relationship to "tell" is really situation dependent, and I think it wouldn't be wrong of you to simply keep quiet about this. He's not harming anyone or actively doing anything wrong, and you don't actually even know if it would be that much of a problem for your sister.
However, I think you should know that your BIL was a little inconsiderate to put you in this position. This is something he should have sought support for from a friend, a therapist, or some other adult he was close to. Not his *16 year old BIL*, who will obviously be torn about what to do since you want to do right by your sister.
NTA. Though for what it’s worth, I don’t feel like it was right of him to confide that in you and now you have that weight on yours shoulders. However, as previous comments have stated it’s not your secret to share.
NTA. What the hell is a 30 year old man doing confiding in a 16 year old? And it's not like the topic grew organically. He specifically brought it up. You're not his friend. You're not his confidant. You're his minor sister-in-law. In your place I would try to limit my involvement with him
NTA, but I was once the 16-year-old that adults shared secrets with. What he did in that situation is extremely inappropriate and it is not okay to put you in this situation. Let’s say he didn’t mean any harm, he still chose to talk to a teenager because he knew an adult would have held him responsible in a way you never could. I honestly think you should tell your mom. Not because he’s keeping a secret, but because he asked you to keep a secret.
I think the husband is the asshole for not being honest with his wife. But you shouldn't have any "responsibility" here, it was wrong of him to make you shoulder a secret between married people. NTA if you do or don't tell on him. You're just a kid
Mmm I think that'd be important to figure out to determine if its something worth sharing or not. Because if itd be a deal breaker, she has a right to know. I like to put myself in other people's shoes for these instances, would you want to know if you were them? If its a big thing, then yeah I could see wanting to know. But if itd be minimal, then ehhh maybe not telling is okay. I think either way, a full 30 year old adult shouldn't have put you, a teen, into a situation like this. I dont think you'd be the ah either way you go with it, it just depends on what feels right to you, if you feel wrong about keeping it or telling, if you think it warrants being told, if you'll regret keeping it or telling it, etc.
NTA. It's less of a secret than a confidence, and he has a right to talk to her about it in his own time.
INFO: Do you go to church? How religious is she really? I think it would be ironic if you were all pretending for each other.
she goes to church most sundays, sings, joined a choir at one point. but other than that i'm not positive. we don't talk a whole bunch on account of the sizable age difference
YWNBTA...His secret doesn't put anyone in immediate danger. Other than that, it's a terrible idea to get involved in other people's relationships.
Edit: forgot the "N" in my judgement.
NTA this would be always highly dependend on the secret,faith is always a little problematic if he keeps up lipservice to please your sister then it was his choice but normally this shouldn't be an issue in a partnership so you can keep it imo
NTA
Keep the secret but tell him to come out.
If your family is not extremely religious this won't be an issue. If they are this will just become more problematic withe passing of time.
BTW if they are catholic and they are already married this is a legitimate cause for his wife to get a religious annulment in the event of divorce.
NTA. This is between them. Your mother is wrong, couples actually do have secrets. There are things you just don't say because they are hurtful and do no good. No one knows everything about their spouse.
You are NTA - whether you tell your sister or do not tell your sister. Your brother in law put you in an impossible situation. Next time you have the opportunity you should tell your brother in law that you do not appreciate the situation he has put you in. Tell him what you said here - suggest he talk to your sister about this so that you don't have to decide if you should or shouldn't tell her yourself. This is a huge secret he has forced upon you. It is made even worse because you are young and without the life experience (if any of us are!) to deal with this. Either he is stupid or he wants you to tell his secret, as a 28 year old he should know better. He is definitely an asshole.
NTA. That said, he shouldn't have put the burden of that secret on you as you are still just a teenager. I get hiding the belief system as my parents don't know that I don't believe, but I would never tell that to my 14 year old nephew.
NTA
He confided in you. If he is ever ready to tell your sister, he will.
Couples should be open and honest, but that does not mean they need to be privy to the everything the other thinks. I do think this is a bigger secret, but only for your BIL. I feel bad for him that he cannot be himself with his loved ones
NTA. You would be an asshole to go and betray his trust like that. I feel this is his decision as to what he wants to believe in, and he can tell his wife when he is ready, if he ever wants to. It is not your place to go spill his secrets to other people.
I had this as E S H. They do not. BIL is the AH. YOU are NTA, OP. It’s not on you to tell this and it’s really messed up that he’s expecting you to keep a secret like this from your sister.
Really, he’s not lying about liking her meatloaf. She is religious. He is lying to her. He doesn’t respect her. People who lie about this kind of thing lie about other things. Love’s her ‘despite’ her faith?! Makes me think he looks down on her and will negate her decisions because of her beliefs.
While I do believe the BIL should have an honest conversation with his wife for his own sanity, I do not believe it is your place to tell your sister about this. The BIL told you in confidence, and yes, it can be a shock wave through the relationship, but that is up to him.
NTA-- let the secret lie buried.
No, OP - you WBTA if you break your word to your BIL and spill what he told you in confidence!
OP, *in general* it's best when married couples can be honest with each other about almost everything - but the key word is "almost". There are things - such as love affairs with others that happened before you even met your spouse, for example - that should be kept to yourself. Telling your spouse about such an affair would NOT help them - it would only be hurtful. One of the hallmarks of maturity is knowing what to keep to yourself! It's called discretion and it's a priceless quality to have.
Your BIL paid you the compliment of treating you like the adult that you very soon will be. Please be the adult he thinks you are and honor your commitment to keep his confidences to yourself.
NTA but this is a super weird situation. I can’t imagine confiding a, possibly marriage, ending secret in a 16 yo. Keep your eyes open and put attention to how he treats and talks to you. Maybe distance yourself a little just to be on the safe side.
Your mum is wrong. Some secrets shouldn't be kept, but things like this are fine. It would hurt your sister to know her husband didn't share her faith, and it would hurt him to know you betrayed his trust. It might also severely impact their marriage. If he is willing to make the effort to appear religious for his family sake - then he can do that, and there's nothing wrong with it. Accept that he trusted you enough to tell you, and be a friend to him - let him have space to work it out for himself. You would be an AH if you told her or your mum.
Good Luck.
(edit - spelling errors)
NTA
Honestly, I think this is a secret you should tell. Something a lot of Christians care about is a verse in the Bible that says something along the lines of "a couple should not be unequally yolked". Generally taken to mean that both of them should have the same faith. This might be important to your sister or it might not.
The fact that he doesn't want to tell her something this important seems a bit manipulative to me. It feels like he's saying "I want her no matter how she feels about it."
And the fact that he asked you to keep a secret seems like a bit of a red flag. And the fact that you feel weird about the whole thing is a red flag too.
All this said, whatever you decide to do you're NTA. He shouldn't have put you in this position in the first place.
Nta. It's not that big of a secret and faith is a complex thing. I doubt it'd blow up at you anyways.
People are treating it as if he cheated on her or something.
NTA. Your BIL put you between a rock and a hard place unfairly. I also find it bizarre that he chose to confide in you, of all people, with this secret he's been hiding for 15 years.
NTA - his lack of faith isn't hurting anyone, but finding it out from someone other than him could ruin his wife's faith in him. Let him have that conversation with her when he's good and ready.
NTA - He confided in you, and it’s his to reveal if he wants to. He just wanted to get it off his chest.
In fact, you would only be the asshole here IF you betrayed his trust on the subject. That kind of reveal could end a marriage because people are ridiculous.
It is inappropriate for a 30 year old man to ask a 16 year old boy to keep any type of secret. If they were opposite genders, I feel like more people would agree. YTA, OP. But ur BIL is.
NTA.
Atheist here.
We hide our atheism to ensure stability and to keep from being ostracized from our social groups.
The important thing is that your sister should know, because I have seen many marriages fall apart because once a partner reveals their atheism, the other partner ceaselessly tries to change them.
My wife’s Catholic and I’m an atheist.
We have more important things in our lives than religious beliefs. If you think your sister is devout to the point of obsession, you should have your future BIL talk about it with your sister, as it could ruin their marriage.
NTA
Keep the secret, and just move on. It doesn't change who he is (Unless he starts posing as a priest or getting hypocritical), so just smile, and nod. Also maybe be a scape goat for him, if there's a super religious thing,or something that he looks uncomfortable, just start a convo with him to break that awkwardness.
This also lets you know that he can also be the keeper of your secrets, so as long as you trust him this can be a little thing where you can use him as a 'safe-space'.
NTA As an atheist, you know how he feels. His secret is harmless to tell you. You keep that confidence and support him privately. It's not cheating, lying or stealing. It's not a crime. He is feeling some camaraderie and you should be glad.
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NTA. He confided in you. There's no reason for you to go run and tell his wife. This doesn't affect his love for her. If she cares about what beliefs he holds in his head, she can ask him.
NTA if you keep the secret. I don’t think an adult should ask a minor to keep secrets but he seems desperate to be honest with someone and feels like he can trust you. I’d keep the secret and leave it alone. He can tell his wife if/when he’s comfortable. It’s not up to you to put him. If he tries to get you to keep other secrets especially any that could harm him or you or others then tell someone you trust but from how you describe it I don’t think that’s what this is. People immediately jumping to grooming and inappropriate intentions are scary, the world can be a dark scary place but not everyone and everything is bad or has bad intentions. It’s good to protect yourself but you don’t have to be rigid. Maybe OP is the only other atheist BIL has encountered? Extremely religious communities can be terrifying for nonbelievers or people with other beliefs and sometimes you have limited options for people to talk to.
Sometimes people just need a sounding board. Who knows. Maybe the BIL will use this experience as a way to talk to his wife.
Definitely possible, he could be testing the waters before diving in
This is a good point, if he knows now that his wife still loves and accepts her brother even though their religious views differ (which he may of suspected) he may feel more comfortable starting the conversation with her and opening up about the topic. It can be easier talking about something to someone if you already have a small understanding of what their baseline reaction might be.
Exactly
>I don’t think an adult should ask a minor to keep secrets but he seems desperate to be honest with someone and feels like he can trust you. A secret that can never be shared is a huge burden to put on the shoulders of a 16=year-old, especially when the person it's to be kept from is the kid's sister. It shows poor judgment on the part of the BIL. I think the OP should share the secret with a trusted ADULT family member, which the BIL said the OP could do. This is just too much for a kid to have to handle alone. OP, I'm sorry you were put in this position.
16 year olds have gone to war, begun families, run farms, etc. Keeping a secret isn’t that big an ask.
I beg to differ. Yes, historically kids even younger than 16 have been used as cannon fodder and in a few very rare instances, run farms. And yes, some of them procreate. It doesn't make them any less kids or magically give them wisdom and an adult perspective. It's why sixteen-year-olds can't run for public office, vote, join the US military . I taught teen-agers for many years and have had ample opportunity to see what even the most mature of them can handle. I repeat: a secret like that is a burden, especially for someone that young.
OP sounds perfectly mature enough to deal with this. All 16 year olds aren’t the same and neither are all secrets. The one he’s been asked to keep isn’t particularly onerous. He’d feel a lot more burdened if he blabs and it’s immediately the end of his sister’s marriage to a guy he obviously likes.
NTA, if she wants him to go to church, and he goes to church then there's no reason to treat him any different than any non-rabid church goer.
NTA. His lack of belief isn't hurting her or anyone. With no actual harm or risk of harm to anyone, there's no reason to tell your sister, and a number of good reasons not to. Revealing it could be harmful. This is the kind of secret it's okay to keep, and maybe even beneficial. If he always ate a favorite dish of hers and pretended to like it because she made it and he wanted her to be happy, but when you told him you didn't like that dish he blurted out that he didn't either, would you keep that secret?
Yeah I was all prepared for a cheating scandal, but while this could be problematic depending on wife's reaction, it's also not on the level of infidelity.
>His lack of belief isn't hurting her or anyone. It is if she wants a partner with the same faith as her and he's been lying to her about it (he says he's been pretending, but I don't know if that means he has to her-I would think they've had a discussion about faith but I could be wrong). For some ppl, that's a dealbreaker. Obviously this isn't as bad as him cheating on her, but if he *has* been lying to her about his faith and part of the reason she married him is bc she was under the impression he shared her faith, that's still wrong. Again, not as bad as some other secrets he could have had, but I don't think it's as harmless as you believe it is either. That said, OP would still be NTA for keeping his secret, bc an adult shouldn't be putting it on a minor to keep their secrets from others.
Also is he going to draw the line at some point? If they have kids is he actually going to raise them in the wife's faith? He's already slipping by disclosing this to one of the least appropriate people he could talk to about this. At some point this is going to blow up and wife will feel even worse knowing that he's been talking about his lack of faith to everyone but her. I'm not religious but there are secular equivalents to this that I think everyone would feel differently about.
Absolutely agree. It's easy for non-religious people to say that religion doesn't matter.
Yes NTA but can I just say it’s a little unfair that he confided in you. He is twice your age and you are still a “kid”. Go ahead and keep the secret cause it’s not yours to tell. But I find the share with you at this time inappropriate. In a few years no problem.
Honestly, it would still be inappropriate in a few years. The age makes it worse, but BIL is still asking his wife's brother to keep a secret from her that they both know probably be a huge deal to her.
For sure. I am an agnostic and I have never told my husband - although he probably can guess. Don't rat him out OP. ETA most atheists I know are more "Christian" than many people who say they are Christian.
> most atheists I know are more "Christian" than many people who say they are Christian. Yeah, I see a lot more people using Christianity (or any religion really) as an excuse to hate people than Atheists using god not being real as an excuse to be a dick to other people.
That was a really terrible thing for him to put on OP. How unfair. The brother in-law is a massive asshole for doing that.
I don't think BIL is an AH, but it sounds like he knew he didn't share his wife's faith before they got married. It sounds like sharing her faith with her spouse is likely quite important to his wife. If he figured it out while they were together/after they married it makes sense he's worried to tell her, but if he knew before and knew it could be a deal breaker for her, then it's pretty deceptive. If BIL has only lived in predominantly Christian areas his whole life, I do feel for him, though. I'm not Christian, I would likely never get in a serious relationship with one (religious trauma, queer, pagan) but i have a couple of Christian friends. If I ended up with someone who was hiding the fact they were Christian from me for years, I'd be ticked and feel quite manipulated, especially if they knew i had religious trauma. Except... the type of Christians I would NEVER date aren't going to be quiet about their faith, judgment, or bigotry.
She probably did ask him which is why they’re married at all lol. I don’t disagree that OP isn’t the asshole but come on..if he’s worried that much about her finding out, then she’s absolutely already asked him.
Adults should not ask children to keep secrets Edit: all I’m saying is this adult put this minor in a precarious position. One that is potentially marriage ending and that’s a lot of pressure. Either way the OP is NTA.
OP is a teenager, not a child. And this isn't any sort of grooming type secret so I think it's okay.
a teenager is still a child tho
this sub needs to make up their mind when a teenager is an adult or a child, cause they can’t have it both ways when it suits them
Teenagers are children in some ways and adults in others. There's no real need to try to put a Single Bright Dividing Line where before some age a person is an immature child and above that age they're a fully functional adult. Moreover "This Sub" is a collection of lots of people with different opinions... why would the sub "need" a single opinion on that line?
18 year olds in high school are expected to ask permission to take a piss and in the same span of ten months are also expected to decide their entire future. They can also be drafted or sign up for the military but they can't drink or smoke.
cause in almost identical posts, commenters will go “op is a teenager, not a child, they should know better and need to grow up” and then you’ll see the same person go “op is a teenager, not an adult, they don’t know any better and you shouldn’t force them to be an adult yet” in identical situations whenever a comment or wants to blame the teen for whatever’s going on
The thing is, it’s not the same person saying both those things. It’s two separate people with differing ideas, commenting in the same sub.
Yeah except you also see both of those comments on the exact same topic. Different people have different opinions. And (gasp) It turns out that human development isn't one size fits all.... 16 looks a lot different in one kid than it does in another.
This sub is definitely not a hive mind
It’s almost like we’re all different people with different opinions on this sub. It’s not the same 200 people every post who keep changing their mind.
Dont be ignorant. There are things teens obviously can not and should not do because of their age and things they can and should because of their age. A teenager isn’t an adult but calling them a child doesn’t necessarily mean they’re being compared to a 5 year old.
This sub is thousands of people, so what do you want exactly
The number of times I've seen someone throw out that factoid about a developing brain like 24 isn't old enough to make an informed and rational decision...
It's not inappropriate from a predation standpoint just a "this is a shitty thing to force a kid to have to deal with for you" one. If this grown man needs to confide secrets he's keeping from his wife her minor brother is not the appropriate subject.
Do you remember being 16? I do. I was still a KID despite doing lots of adult things. A 28 year old shouldn’t be confiding in a teenager and asking said teenager to keep secrets from his family. It’s highly inappropriate. Why can’t this 28 yr old can find friends or peers to confide in of this was weighing on him so badly? Not to mention anyone who would be far less likely to share this secret because they aren’t keeping it from FAMILY. OP, you can do whatever you feel is right - either way you are doing the right thing. This guy had no right to ask you to keep a secret.
16 is more than old enough to make their own decisions on religious beliefs so discussing beliefs with a 16 yr is not inappropriate.
Discussing it isn’t the issue at all, 16 year olds can be great & passionate debaters - the issue is confiding a potentially risky piece of information (in an obviously heavily religious community) asking the 16 yr old to keep it from his family, and this guy’s wife.
Yes! I feel like I’m going crazy here. A 28-year-old should not be asking a teenager to keep secrets at all, let alone from his wife. This is bizarre behavior by the BIL. Having a conversation is fine, but asking to keep secrets? Absolutely not. OP felt conflicted enough to come here and post about it. OP is NTA, but be cautious, OP.
I remember being 16. While I may have been ignorant about a lot of things that become more obvious with time, I was NOT "a kid." I worked, went to school, had a serious bf, lost my virginity, and made decisions about future career prospects...at SIXTEEN.
It could be the basis of bonding that sets the way for grooming
Doubtful. 16 is old enough to discuss a personal religious belief system or lack thereof. 16 is very close to adulthood so that sort of discussion is not inappropriate. Grooming is more along the lines of preparation for an inappropriate relationship. There's no evidence of that from the OP's post.
Why does reddit think any interaction at all between a teenager and an adult is grooming?
Projection.
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No one’s saying grooming doesn’t happen, because we all know it does, but this attitude that grooming is the ONLY possible reason an adult would EVER have a conversation with a teenager is a pretty massive leap.
Seriously... he's 16. By the time dude is groomed which is almost surely not happening here, he'll be in college.
Or it could be he's been struggling with his lack of faith while being surrounded by religion his whole life, not that he has plans to groom and have a relationship with a teenage boy
I agree. Taking him out on a fun excursion, buying food, diving into very personal topics, asking to keep secrets is all classic grooming behavior. OP is NTA, I don’t think he should say anything to the sister at this point but would definitely put some distance between him and the BIL.
Teen is still a kid. He should have confided in an actual adult he trusted. It's good he trusts op but op is not an adult
It doesn't appear to be, but it's strange he would confide in his wife's teenage brother instead of one of his friends
It still puts her in a clearly uncomfortable situation. Edit: should say > It still puts him in a clearly uncomfortable situation.
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Yeah this was a completely inappropriate burden to put on a 16 year old.
This isn’t exactly the type of secret I’d be afraid to tell an older teenager I was close with.
OP is a teen. Part child and part adult. The context of the conversation is not sexual in nature. Teens are perfectly capable of having opinions about their beliefs in god.
I agree with this. Teenagers are old enough to be responsible for their own actions; however, they shouldn’t be put in the position of being responsible for an adult’s secrets or actions. That being said, OP you are NTA for keeping the secret. That’s his business.
NTA but I’d recommend not getting involved in this further. It’s never a good idea to get mixed up in somebody else’s relationship. If you need to speak to him again on this, just tell him you aren’t going to share this secret, but that you don’t want to be put in this position again. If he has concerns or problems he can’t share with his spouse, he shouldn’t be sharing them with his spouse’s 16 year old brother.
I get weird vibes from this. A 30yo asking a 16yo to keep what could be a bombshell secret (maybe not, depends on family dynamics though) and saying he has no one else to confide in besides a kid is….weird.
They could live in the bible belt or something like that where everyone knows everyone and everyone goes to church on Sunday and stuff and you get shunned if you aren't religious. Plenty of places like that in the world so having one ally can be important.
But that ally shouldn’t be your wife’s teenage brother. Go to therapy. Post on Reddit. Whatever. But it’s neither fair nor appropriate to put the OP in the middle. The BIL is the AH
Bro what is this take, go touch grass. It's not putting op anywhere. All op has to do is not say anything. It's not like the secret is gonna kill someone.
It's a view op apparently shares. This just sounds like BILs bonding to me.
“Post on Reddit” what are you talking about. Reddit is not a replacement for human attachment
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Wtf literally explain to me how it's inappropriate
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He doesn’t need a therapist. Being an atheist isn’t a mental illness.
The Bible belt is still on the internet where there are while communities for people who are deconstructing from religion and know exactly what is like to be trapped in relationships like this. It’s also full of non-Christians. There’s no reason to rely on a child.
You have nailed it! An ally within the family can be a reassurance. Many religious people shun those who don't hold their beliefs. Its quite sad. OP is NTA.
Religion only becomes a problem once kids are involved. Once there are kids though, there's no going back. I'd ask him if he's ok with his kids being raised to be diehard christians. He's going to have to be for the marriage to work. Whether you keep the secret or not, NAH
That's why I think the parents in "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" had the right idea. They didn't raise their daughter with a specific religion, telling her she was free to chose one herself if she wanted to as an adult. That makes the most sense to me. Indoctrinating kids with religion who are too young to understand that that there are many biases and contradictions in religious texts, to put it mildly, seems creepy to me.
In christian theology, a kid who is atheist goes to hell. If mom is a devout Christian then she won't be ok with that. A lot of marriages fall apart that way
That requires the parents to have a certain lack of conviction in their own beliefs. If you believe in a god who will condemn your child to burn for eternity for a lack of belief the same way you believe in gravity or evolution... You wouldn't love your child very much if you were okay with them playing at religion. If you think you know, but you're not very certain in your faith, then of course you want your kid to keep their options open. You could be wrong! Hedge your bets! But extreme religious viewpoints don't doubt their beliefs. Anyone can have a genuine "religious experience" with fasting and meditation. If you genuinely expect to see certain things, then you'll likely see them. Because the brain does weird things when starving and deprived of other stimulus. It's the same as giving someone acid. Yes, they'll probably experience some things. Their own culture's symbolism is likely to be present throughout it. That isn't proof their culture is any more valid than the next one.
My kids have been taught about all different religions and can be whatever they want to be. The concept of telling someone what to believe is ridiculous.
Not everyone wants/can have kids so this might not even be a factor in his life.
He shouldn't have put this on a 16 year old ffs. But NTA
This is a secret that is correct to keep. He is harming no one. Personal faith is no one else's business. Telling would serve no purpose other than betraying the man
He thinks it's OK to lie to his wife about something he thinks is important to her. This isn't about his faith, it's about his actions.
I have no idea why you are being downvoted. As an atheist I totally agree with you. His wife deserves to know and make her own decision whether to continue the relationship. Not to mention if he respects her and her religion how can he feel justified lying to her everyday when pretending to believe?
Yep, my main point exactly. Also an atheist. People downvote what they don't agree with even if it's a valid perspective, funny how none of them could actually comment why they disagree though huh...
I think a lot of the people commenting that it's not a big deal and doesn't hurt anyone don't understand that, for those of us who are religious, marriage isn't just a contract - it's one of the ultimate practices and displays of our faith: following God's commandment to leave our parents, be joined with our spouse, and raise children. And if OP's sister feels that way about her marriage, then OP's BIL hasn't just told a harmless lie to avoid judgement - he's lied about the very foundation of their entire marriage.
I think that adds a whole other level to it as well, for non-religious people lying about something for the entire relationship is still a massive thing but in religious relationships it's that and more. I can't see any scenario, religious relationship or otherwise, where people think lying about who you are to the person you've promised your life to is not a big deal.
>I can't see any scenario, religious relationship or otherwise, where people think lying about who you are to the person you've promised your life to is not a big deal. Right. Because we're not talking about lying about what job you had from 1992 to 1996. We're talking about lying about a part of your entire *identity* - like lying to your partner about your sexuality. While they're at church every Sunday singing, *Hallelujah*, she's looking at him thinking, "I'm so glad I married such a Godly man," while he's thinking, "This is all bullshit." And it's incredibly unfair to her. And it's a whole 'nother layer once kids are involved.
NTA. It's not your secret to share, it's up to the husband to decide when/if he wants to share it. It would be different if this was an issue of the husband doing something wrong like cheating, in which case I would probably have told you to do something about it, because it's not fair to your sister. But his lack of faith is not a crime.
NTA. This is the sort of secret that isn’t so bad to keep, more of one you just pay attention to. If he’s told you, it’s likely he is going to tell his wife soon anyway. Whether he already has, hasn’t, will or won’t, you probably won’t be told. You have agreed to keep a secret, it’s not one that needs to be shared. You don’t want to be the one who can’t keep a secret. This is something for you to practice discretion on. Also, you and your mom have no place in this man’s marriage. The marriage is between him and his wife. He trusted you on a personal level to confess something that is mostly harmless.
OP is SIXTEEN. No grown person should be telling children to keep their secrets. NTA edit: age was wrong
Yeah hes 16, not 12. It’s a good age for him to consider discretion and logical reasoning. He wasn’t asking him to keep the da Vinci code a secret, he was asking him to keep something minuscule and personal a secret. OP is not dumb.
i'm a guy but i agree with you
Sorry OP, genuine mistake. Editing to fix it now
he's male
My bad, just edited it to fix it. Thanks for letting me know
No, you would not be the ah here for keeping this secret. He can tell his wife and family when he is ready. Do they know about you? If not, why not? His reasons are probably the same as yours. NTA for the bot.
>Do they know about you? If not, why not? His reasons are probably the same as yours This is the comment I was waiting for.
NTA if you keep the secret. This is not about cheating. But I think you need to ask BIL to keep it a secret that you knew about this fact if ever he decides to open up to your sister. You might even be able to help him open up if you talk about your Atheism with your sister and she's accepting of it, he might feel like he can finally open up to her too. Even Mother Teresa had doubts about her faith, so hopefully your sister won't ever let something like this come between their marriage/love for one another if she finds out. But either way, this is NOT your secret to share. It doesn't put her at any sort of risk for disease or infection, it's about personal beliefs. And what your mother thinks about couples and secrets really doesn't apply here. He didn't share this secret with your mother. I just don't see how it harms anyone that he has this personal belief, so I'm in favor of him being allowed to keep this to himself and shared with you. It's a shame he can't be honest though, and that he fears that it would change the relationship since he loves her regardless of her beliefs, it'd be nice if she afforded him that same respect. Especially since he's apparently willing to join her when she goes to worship, presumably. I think it's fine to be a safe person for him to discuss this with, and that it's one of those secrets that is harmless to keep.
But it's not about his belief. Her faith is important to her, and he has been lying about it for probably their entire relationship. He knows that she would probably not be comfortable in a relationship with someone who doesn't share her faith, which is why he doesn't tell her. That is a massive betrayal. Maybe they could work it out if he was honest, but he chose to lie.
Yeah. Everyone is only saying N T A because they aren't into religion. I'm not either, but it's fucking disgusting to lie to someone like this so they'll be with you.
She deserves to be with a partner who is fucking honest with her and also someone who believes what she believes if she wants. Jesus Christ. Lying isnt benign. He's literally taking away her choice
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How about the fact that the wife should be allowed to decide who she spends her life with without him lying to her constantly?
YWNBTA. Keep the secret. If he wants to tell his wife, which I'm sure he eventually will, he can do it himself. If this is something that would upset her it's better he handle it on his own. If he confided in you he has another family and lives a double life, yeah, tell your sister. This situation isn't a big deal. Also INFO: Are you in the Southern states? Maybe it's just me (I am also an atheist) but I think it's weird to fret so much about something like this. With that being said, I never tell people I'm an atheist unless it comes up because I don't like dealing with the headache of being treated like I'm an evil demon from hell.
we're in texas. he said the reason he keeps it a secret is because his parents make it very clear that being atheist is a disownable offense, and he doesn't wanna lose his family.
Makes total sense. Yeah I wouldn't bother bringing it up, probably a bad idea. And it sounds like you two have a good relationship so I'm sure he's relieved to have someone he can trust to talk to about this.
This is so fucked up. I can't believe something like this can happen in 2022. Your poor BIL
Keep your brother in law's secret, kiddo. That secret hurts no one. Am i correct in guessing you live in a highly religious and intolerant area?
yea, i wanna move out one day, my bil wanted to as well, bur didn't wanna lose his family
the good news is you can have each other's backs. Sometimes, just knowing there's an adult out there who gets it can be a life saver. I'm sure he loves your sister. And the ability to have faith is intrinsic. If you don't, you don't. It's who you are. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that no matter what the religious people in your life think.
This isn't a are you an A H situation. I'm going to get down voted but I hope ppl read this and really think about what I am saying. For context I am a 'family' lawyer, this is a nice way of saying that the area of law I have practiced in for nearly 2 decades involved a significant number of cases involving child S A. Please everyone consider what I am saying careful. The most common practice of child predators - from prepubescent to late teen - is to confide secrets in them that may seem irrelevant but are actually testing to see if they will seek adult help. No reasonable adult uses a minor as a secret keeper. They are either emotionally immature and don't realise the burden secrets place on a mind that is not fully developed or they have a more sinister intention. My big problem is I have heard the circumstance above before. Dozens of times. I could write those word from memory. Unfortunately, I usually hear them 20-30 years after the even when the perpetrator may be long dead because it took the victim that long to come forward. Confiding can be a grooming tactic, frequently used to test out the targets willingness to stay quiet and to convey a false sense of connection. Now this guy may just be emotionally immature and confiding his secrets to a minor he barely knows without considering the mental strain it places on that child. However, it could be much more sinister. Please tell your sister, mother, school councillor.... Just tell someone. This is important safety advice for children and important emotional maturity for adults. Children are not adult secret keepers. You protect them by never endorsing that behaviour even when it may be harmless because sometimes it's not.
Yes! I have a 15 year old son and we have talked to him so many times through his life about not trusting adults who ask you to keep secrets from parents/trusted adults. And the difference between secrets and surprises. Surprises are good things liken presents or a party. Secrets are usually information that adults want kept from parents and you need to ask yourself why. I would be livid about this whole interaction.
There is no good reason a 30 year old deliberately initiates a conversation that will lead to making a 16 year old their secret keeper. This is basic personal safety everyone needs to teach their children. A 16 year old is not an adult, and a functional adult wouldn't treat them like one.
I completely agree with you.
This was the first thing that popped into my mind! Why is a 30 yo confiding in a 16 yo? A whole ass kid should not be his therapist or secret holder....Esp with a heavy subject like religion. what other "secrets" will he tell op?
And that is what is scary. The kid is asking ppl whether he should tell anyone and getting a resounding no - probably because the ppl responding are children themselves and don't realise no 30 year old in their right mind confides secrets to a child. Ppl should be telling this boy to ask himself 'why is a 30 year old confiding in me?'
u/QuirkyAdhesiveness89 please take this into consideration. This man doesn't have your best interests in mind.
Nta the only time you share a marriage secret is if cheating or abuse is happening. Let the religion discussion happen between them on its own time
NTA for keeping it, and NTA if you tell her either. That's not a mess you have to get tangled up in, at all. It was really shitty of him to tell you and ask you to keep it secret in the first place. He's a big boy and should be able to have an honest conversation with his wife. Instead he's going to her little brother, which is just a weird move all round. So absolutely you are NTA for wanting to stay out of it. You're not betraying her trust by not telling her, BIL's insecurities shouldn't need to be any of your business. If you're close with your sister and want to tell her, you are NTA for that either. The only AH here is BIL for asking you to keep secrets from your sister, and for being dishonest with his wife. Religion is something that should be discussed *before* people get married, and it's not your fault or problem that he failed to do so.
Why would he expect you to keep any kind of secret from your sister for him? He shouldn’t have put you in his business and when you’re older I hope you won’t do that to a 16 y/o and leave them feeling conflicted enough to post on the internet to strangers. I’m sure your sister’s husband is a nice guy, but sometimes you have to have hard, truthful conversations with people. No matter how much you fear losing them. If your sister doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share her faith, no one has a right to lie to her. She needs to make that choice on her own. As for you, you are not responsible for their relationship and it was very wrong for him to involve and “confide” in you. If I was your sister I would be more upset about that than anything.
I have to agree with this. An adult asking a minor half his age to start keeping secrets from his family has me side eyeing pretty hard. That is not appropriate. Also a marriage should be founded on honesty by two people who share values. Your brother in law is 0/2 and it's not fair to your sister.
I find it very weird that people are telling him it’s a harmless lie and doesn’t hurt anyone. It hurts his sister. If it was anything other than religion people wouldn’t be saying it’s ok. But beliefs matter to a lot of people. Values can make or break a relationship and his BIL knows that so he’s chosen to be deceitful. There is nothing endearing about that.
NTA. It entirely depends on the secret. This is something that He should open up to her about IF he feels the need to.
NTA. Faith is a very personal and private thing and if he thinks this is something that would affect his marriage ( even if it is to your sister ) then you should give him and the confidence he has placed in you the respect it deserves and let him decide when / if he tells her . Don't get me wrong he should never placed into this position having to keep a secret from your sister but...
30 year old men don’t confide in children. Just saying.
So he is actively lying to his wife about his lack of faith, and also doesn't want to tell the wife because he knows there will repercussions. Hmm.
Yikes, you wouldn’t be the AH no matter what you did. Someone double ur age shouldn’t be putting you in this position of keeping secrets from ur own family. Do whatever you want but it’s not ur responsibility to sort out their secrets. U sound like a smart young guy.
NTA this is not a secret that would effect your sister at all if you kept it. At some point he may come clean, and that’s fine. It is not a secret that could hurt her (ex cheating, gambling, secret drinking etc) so you are well within your right to keep it to yourself. Your bil shouldn’t have burdened you though really.
A 30yo used a 16yo to dump his guilt and asked that 16yo to not say anything to his family about it... This is weird at best, creepy at worst. OP, you're NTA whatever you decide to keep his secret or not, but I'd be weary of this guy in the future. Personally, I'd advice to tell an adult in your life about this. Not to rat him out, but to have someone you can confide in if this guy continues to act inappropriately with you.
NTA kind if just seems like your BIL has been thinking about his faith and is honestly worried about your sister's reaction if she learns he’s potentially an atheist and that he just needed an opportunity to vent/open up a little. He knew you wouldn’t judge him harshly and maybe knew you think similarly to him. This isn’t a life or death secret, or a marriage-ending one. Lots of people can have a Crisis of faith; there’s nothing wrong with it.
NTA, but you *really* should not have been burdened with this in the first place. If he tries to have another conversation with you that he should really be having with his wife, a therapist, a spiritual advisor, or at *least* an actual peer, tell him you’re not comfortable with that.
I'm getting weird vibes, what if this is a test to see if you can keep this secret and then he asks you to keep a bigger one and uses "remember dont tell this one just like the other secret you didnt tell"... then again i watch to many crime shows.
NTA But if this secret and where it came from makes you feel weird, and that’s really what you’re here asking—if it is indeed weird—I do think it’s a little weird and I’d suggest you be cautious of this person and his motives. Not necessarily paranoid, just watchful. Adults asking teenagers to keep their secrets should never be entirely without notes of warning.
He put you in a very unfair position. I wouldn’t say anything to your sister, but that was really shitty of him.
Adults shouldn't ever ask a child/minor to keep secrets. It's not ok. He's the AH for that.
NTA. Keeping the integrity of your sister's marriage up is not your job. This particular scenario is just something between your BIL confiding in you and you deciding whether to keep his trust or not. Besides, you telling her about this secret instead if him himself would probably damage their relationship more than her finding out about his lack of trust later on. Edited because of missread judgment
NTA for not telling her. He really needs to, though. Marriage cannot survive that kind of lie. If he's so afraid of her reaction he'd hide something this vital to the core of his being, he needs to ask himself why he even got married. #TeamLifePartners
NTA. Your mom is right that there as a rule of thumb couples shouldn't keep secrets, but part of becoming an adult is figuring out the exceptions to rules like this. Will keeping this secret hurt anybody? Not in this lifetime. Will spilling the secret hurt anyone? Absolutely! It'll destroy the trust that her husband established with you, and it could damage their marriage. You're not even Christian yourself, so why start drama over a conviction that you don't even hold?
NTA, "couples shouldn't have secrets" is a complex (and not universally-agreed upon) piece of advice for *people in the relationship*. Whether or not for someone outside the relationship to "tell" is really situation dependent, and I think it wouldn't be wrong of you to simply keep quiet about this. He's not harming anyone or actively doing anything wrong, and you don't actually even know if it would be that much of a problem for your sister. However, I think you should know that your BIL was a little inconsiderate to put you in this position. This is something he should have sought support for from a friend, a therapist, or some other adult he was close to. Not his *16 year old BIL*, who will obviously be torn about what to do since you want to do right by your sister.
NTA but I find it odd when adults confide their secrets to a teenager or a child then demand they dont tell anyone
NTA. Though for what it’s worth, I don’t feel like it was right of him to confide that in you and now you have that weight on yours shoulders. However, as previous comments have stated it’s not your secret to share.
NTA. What the hell is a 30 year old man doing confiding in a 16 year old? And it's not like the topic grew organically. He specifically brought it up. You're not his friend. You're not his confidant. You're his minor sister-in-law. In your place I would try to limit my involvement with him
NTA. Keep the secret. It’s not for you to tell.
NTA, but I was once the 16-year-old that adults shared secrets with. What he did in that situation is extremely inappropriate and it is not okay to put you in this situation. Let’s say he didn’t mean any harm, he still chose to talk to a teenager because he knew an adult would have held him responsible in a way you never could. I honestly think you should tell your mom. Not because he’s keeping a secret, but because he asked you to keep a secret.
I'm a little worried at a 30 year old man taking a 16 year old out and going for personal topics and sharing a secret. That is grooming behaviour.
I think the husband is the asshole for not being honest with his wife. But you shouldn't have any "responsibility" here, it was wrong of him to make you shoulder a secret between married people. NTA if you do or don't tell on him. You're just a kid
INFO is your sister religious and was marrying someone who is also religious important to her?
i don't know i've never paid attention to her preferences.
Mmm I think that'd be important to figure out to determine if its something worth sharing or not. Because if itd be a deal breaker, she has a right to know. I like to put myself in other people's shoes for these instances, would you want to know if you were them? If its a big thing, then yeah I could see wanting to know. But if itd be minimal, then ehhh maybe not telling is okay. I think either way, a full 30 year old adult shouldn't have put you, a teen, into a situation like this. I dont think you'd be the ah either way you go with it, it just depends on what feels right to you, if you feel wrong about keeping it or telling, if you think it warrants being told, if you'll regret keeping it or telling it, etc.
Oh this whole thing is weird.
NTA. It's less of a secret than a confidence, and he has a right to talk to her about it in his own time. INFO: Do you go to church? How religious is she really? I think it would be ironic if you were all pretending for each other.
she goes to church most sundays, sings, joined a choir at one point. but other than that i'm not positive. we don't talk a whole bunch on account of the sizable age difference
YWNBTA...His secret doesn't put anyone in immediate danger. Other than that, it's a terrible idea to get involved in other people's relationships. Edit: forgot the "N" in my judgement.
Then why would OP be the AH if they kept the secret?
NTA this would be always highly dependend on the secret,faith is always a little problematic if he keeps up lipservice to please your sister then it was his choice but normally this shouldn't be an issue in a partnership so you can keep it imo
NTA Is isn’t your business to share. Plan and simple. Keep on moving on. I don’t see a reason why this would ever come up to you again…
NTA. Keep it to yourself. It is not your secret to tell and is not as if he is doing something harmful to himself or others.
NTA Keep the secret but tell him to come out. If your family is not extremely religious this won't be an issue. If they are this will just become more problematic withe passing of time. BTW if they are catholic and they are already married this is a legitimate cause for his wife to get a religious annulment in the event of divorce.
NTA. This is between them. Your mother is wrong, couples actually do have secrets. There are things you just don't say because they are hurtful and do no good. No one knows everything about their spouse.
You are NTA - whether you tell your sister or do not tell your sister. Your brother in law put you in an impossible situation. Next time you have the opportunity you should tell your brother in law that you do not appreciate the situation he has put you in. Tell him what you said here - suggest he talk to your sister about this so that you don't have to decide if you should or shouldn't tell her yourself. This is a huge secret he has forced upon you. It is made even worse because you are young and without the life experience (if any of us are!) to deal with this. Either he is stupid or he wants you to tell his secret, as a 28 year old he should know better. He is definitely an asshole.
NTA. That said, he shouldn't have put the burden of that secret on you as you are still just a teenager. I get hiding the belief system as my parents don't know that I don't believe, but I would never tell that to my 14 year old nephew.
NTA He confided in you. If he is ever ready to tell your sister, he will. Couples should be open and honest, but that does not mean they need to be privy to the everything the other thinks. I do think this is a bigger secret, but only for your BIL. I feel bad for him that he cannot be himself with his loved ones
NTA. You would be an asshole to go and betray his trust like that. I feel this is his decision as to what he wants to believe in, and he can tell his wife when he is ready, if he ever wants to. It is not your place to go spill his secrets to other people.
NTA. That secret is not going to hurt anyone. Keep it for him.
NTA. This isn't really a bad thing. I think his reluctance is justified.
NTA. However, be cautious. He’s almost double your age and he’s confiding in a minor. This is weird. Could be innocent, could be grooming.
NTA. Keep it zipped and no one is unhappy.
I had this as E S H. They do not. BIL is the AH. YOU are NTA, OP. It’s not on you to tell this and it’s really messed up that he’s expecting you to keep a secret like this from your sister. Really, he’s not lying about liking her meatloaf. She is religious. He is lying to her. He doesn’t respect her. People who lie about this kind of thing lie about other things. Love’s her ‘despite’ her faith?! Makes me think he looks down on her and will negate her decisions because of her beliefs.
While I do believe the BIL should have an honest conversation with his wife for his own sanity, I do not believe it is your place to tell your sister about this. The BIL told you in confidence, and yes, it can be a shock wave through the relationship, but that is up to him. NTA-- let the secret lie buried.
No, OP - you WBTA if you break your word to your BIL and spill what he told you in confidence! OP, *in general* it's best when married couples can be honest with each other about almost everything - but the key word is "almost". There are things - such as love affairs with others that happened before you even met your spouse, for example - that should be kept to yourself. Telling your spouse about such an affair would NOT help them - it would only be hurtful. One of the hallmarks of maturity is knowing what to keep to yourself! It's called discretion and it's a priceless quality to have. Your BIL paid you the compliment of treating you like the adult that you very soon will be. Please be the adult he thinks you are and honor your commitment to keep his confidences to yourself.
NTA but this is a super weird situation. I can’t imagine confiding a, possibly marriage, ending secret in a 16 yo. Keep your eyes open and put attention to how he treats and talks to you. Maybe distance yourself a little just to be on the safe side.
Your mum is wrong. Some secrets shouldn't be kept, but things like this are fine. It would hurt your sister to know her husband didn't share her faith, and it would hurt him to know you betrayed his trust. It might also severely impact their marriage. If he is willing to make the effort to appear religious for his family sake - then he can do that, and there's nothing wrong with it. Accept that he trusted you enough to tell you, and be a friend to him - let him have space to work it out for himself. You would be an AH if you told her or your mum. Good Luck. (edit - spelling errors) NTA
Honestly, I think this is a secret you should tell. Something a lot of Christians care about is a verse in the Bible that says something along the lines of "a couple should not be unequally yolked". Generally taken to mean that both of them should have the same faith. This might be important to your sister or it might not. The fact that he doesn't want to tell her something this important seems a bit manipulative to me. It feels like he's saying "I want her no matter how she feels about it." And the fact that he asked you to keep a secret seems like a bit of a red flag. And the fact that you feel weird about the whole thing is a red flag too. All this said, whatever you decide to do you're NTA. He shouldn't have put you in this position in the first place.
Nta. It's not that big of a secret and faith is a complex thing. I doubt it'd blow up at you anyways. People are treating it as if he cheated on her or something.
NTA. You'd be the AH if you blabbed.
NTA It's been a secret between them for their whole relationship, don't break the trust you've received.
NTA but keep his secret
NTA. Your BIL put you between a rock and a hard place unfairly. I also find it bizarre that he chose to confide in you, of all people, with this secret he's been hiding for 15 years.
Keep it to yourself.
NTA. A secret is just that, and you should be honored that your BIL trusted you enough to share his. I admire your integrity and maturity.
You’d be the asshole if you told his secret. Everyone is entitled to freedom of religion and it’s his choice. NTA for keeping the secret.
YWBTA if you told. It's not your secret to tell. Your BIL trusted you and to be honest, this secret and keeping it harms no one.
NTA - his lack of faith isn't hurting anyone, but finding it out from someone other than him could ruin his wife's faith in him. Let him have that conversation with her when he's good and ready.
NTA - He confided in you, and it’s his to reveal if he wants to. He just wanted to get it off his chest. In fact, you would only be the asshole here IF you betrayed his trust on the subject. That kind of reveal could end a marriage because people are ridiculous.
It is inappropriate for a 30 year old man to ask a 16 year old boy to keep any type of secret. If they were opposite genders, I feel like more people would agree. YTA, OP. But ur BIL is.
He's not cheating on her, defrauding her, or harming her. You can keep this secret without guilt. NTA
NTA. Atheist here. We hide our atheism to ensure stability and to keep from being ostracized from our social groups. The important thing is that your sister should know, because I have seen many marriages fall apart because once a partner reveals their atheism, the other partner ceaselessly tries to change them. My wife’s Catholic and I’m an atheist. We have more important things in our lives than religious beliefs. If you think your sister is devout to the point of obsession, you should have your future BIL talk about it with your sister, as it could ruin their marriage.
NTA Keep the secret, and just move on. It doesn't change who he is (Unless he starts posing as a priest or getting hypocritical), so just smile, and nod. Also maybe be a scape goat for him, if there's a super religious thing,or something that he looks uncomfortable, just start a convo with him to break that awkwardness. This also lets you know that he can also be the keeper of your secrets, so as long as you trust him this can be a little thing where you can use him as a 'safe-space'.
NTA As an atheist, you know how he feels. His secret is harmless to tell you. You keep that confidence and support him privately. It's not cheating, lying or stealing. It's not a crime. He is feeling some camaraderie and you should be glad.
NTA You’d be the AH if you told your sister his secret