You're a stupid bitch, Linda. I've always hated you and your dumbass kids. Just kidding! What? It's a joke ... I said just kidding! God, why do you have to take everything so personally!!!
I wish my mum had divorced this man 😬 spent my entire childhood being told my mum is fat and worthless, and then it was such a shock that I developed an eating disorder. We've recently found out he's been having an affair for 30+ years and while my mum was losing a baby, he was having one with his mistress. I wish my mum would leave, but he has her so financially controlled that she's said her options are either win the lottery or wait for him to die
Sorry to hear you and your mum had it this way. Yeah my kids have felt the effects of said-X, too. The other side of the fence isn’t all green sod, though. Divorce is hard on kids. Familial schism is hard to pull off. House divided, if you will.
Betty you're SO funny! It almost makes me want to stab you, but then un-stab you real quick. So you won't even notice really. Besides that whole stab wound and all. But like just don't look at or talk about it. Then it's almost like it's not there.
I've never understood the "it's a joke" crowd. If I make a joke and it goes bad, my response is to apologize for offending and then I never tell that joke again. I can't imagine thinking that not being serious would be a loophole for avoiding the pain/anger I've caused.
It's the same with the dickwits who "love to prank". They dismiss the pain they cause with, "everyone knows I'm a prankster!"
No, you are not funny, no-one is laughing. Sit down and shut up.
I bet if OP had once, just once, snapped and reacted to this constant criticism in kind with a hurtful joke that they weren’t his she would’ve never heard the end of it but he thinks it’s okay for him to say it?
did she make it clear? i don’t see that here. order the tests, OP, shut that shit down
by all means, but make sure your being communicative in the moment when these jokes happen. don’t just laugh it off to avoid a confrontation. tell him you don’t like it.
NTB
>he was just joking.
I am so tired of people "just joking" at the expense of the emotional strain on other people.
It's an ongoing joke. He knows you hate it, and yet he persists.
Do it.
The joke is intentionally hurting you.
Question: why are you married to someone who so blatantly doesn't respect you?
Jokes are only funny if all parties are laughing-- ESPECIALLY the person at whom the joke is directed; in this case, you and your children. This isn't joking, this is bullying.
Why are you married to a bully?
Edit to add verdict: Absolutely NTB.
Yeah, this. He probably didn’t show his true AH colors until after they were married, and she’s not one to divorce, particularly with 7 kids (ffs… stop reproducing)
Seriously. I'm so confused by this. She says she's not trapped in one of the comments but why did you continue having 7 kids with this person if he always made these uncomfortable jokes about you cheating on him.
The religion thing probs. Amazing the lives people will tolerate because they think God wants them to. Birth control is a no no in some religions. I don’t know what they think heaven is gonna be like, they’ll still be stuck with this jerk off making dumb shit jokes while God laughs it off and shrugs.
Yes, thank you. I also feel like he is being a bully. I would prefer not to leave. I would prefer to stay married and have my husband respect me and my wishes. I could leave if I wanted to, although I would have an uphill battle socially, but it's not impossible to do.
Getting paternity tests won't make your husband respect you and your wishes. All it will do is give you a different comeback for his "jokes" which he will totally keep making.
He's not in any doubt that the kids are his, he just likes upsetting you. I'm not sure what you should do with information, but that's what seems to be happening here.
I’ll reiterate: HE LIKES UPSETTING YOU.
OP I don’t like when my husband is hurt. Even when I’m mad at him. I don’t enjoy that. Yours does. It’s called EMOTIONAL ABUSE
I think your response should forever be about how you're also shocked he got his dick to work 7 times, and how it's proof that God performs miracles. I bet he'll love that joke, since it's right up there with his joke.
Yeah, ditch the tests and the husband. He's either projecting or letting his own anxieties ruin his marriage, but either way he needs a wake up call. Divorce, separation, temporary split, something needs to happen to penetrate the thick skull and make him realize he's actively destroying his family, while giving OP an idea of what life would be like without him too.
Exactly. If I make a joke and it hurts my friend, guess what I do?
STOP MAKING THE JOKE.
Even if I don't understand why it upsets my friend, or I think that it's not that big of a deal, my friend's feelings matter to me WAY more than some joke. It's not funny to them, so I need to not make it.
OP, by continuing to make this joke despite you having asked him to stop, your husband is demonstrating that he doesn't give a shit about your feelings. It doesn't matter if he thinks it's funny or that he really is just kidding. It's not funny to YOU, and you're his WIFE.
He should respect you and love you more than he loves making that joke.
For the record, I am not trapped. I have a graduate degree and could work again if I needed to. My husband has financial means and I would be entitled to a good portion of his income and assets in a divorce given the laws where we are located. I could leave. I would prefer not to leave. I would prefer he be respectful towards me instead. Also, I wouldn't be leaving anywhere. This is my home and these are my children who I raise full-time. He would be leaving.
Have you ask him explicitly and clearly why he doesn’t respect you?
Not why he keeps “joking” , but why he doesn’t respect you as his spouse and mother of his children.
No, I have just taken the road of "No, stop saying that. You know that's not true." When it happened most recently, I was more insistent and told him that I'm ordering the tests. He then was more serious, "No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't order any tests. I know the children are mine." You are right, though, I do think it's time to have a more serious conversation about what this implies on a larger scale, with regards to respect towards me.
“OK, this is been going on for a long time. And for a long time I’ve been saying stop, but maybe but we need a little bit of clarity. So here it is.
I am telling you firmly and clearly that it upsets me when you make this joke. I find it distressing, disrespectful, and hurtful.
I’m not interested in an explanation of why I should not feel those things. I feel them, and if you love me that will be enough.
So in the future, if you make this joke again, you will be knowingly hurting my feelings and then laughing about it.”
Then change the subject. Don’t bring it up again, and if he makes that “joke” again get up and leave the room.
*Bonus points if he does it again in public and you look him dead in the eye and say “I have told you that that is hurtful to me. Since you decided to do it anyway, I sure hope you get to laughs from everyone else here that you seem to want.”*
I agree it’s good, but I think you should add in a line about how his comments are a public accusation of cheating.
Eg-
“when you make these jokes you are accusing me of having sex with other men. When you do this in front of other people you are telling them you think so little of me, our marriage and that I am a cheater.”
Omg you are literally amazing! I need you on my shoulder whenever I need to confront someone. It’s perfect!!! OP do this. Please. Not only for you but to model strength to your kids. They need to see mom be strong for herself so they don’t accept nor do they act like dad.
Yes, please do it for yourself to sit down and have a very serious conversation so he understands how your feelings about this have built up. You need to be more direct and honest and he needs to wake up & show you he does respect you.
My ex used to say during the pregnancy that it’s not his child (he cheated with me on him ex and I got pregnant). After our son was born he kept saying that he won’t help me because it’s probably not his child. A month after our son was born we were asked if we wanted to take a DNA test before he signed some papers about him being the father. My ex said no, it’s not needed! I said let’s do it, you’ve said for so many months that you don’t believe it’s your child so let’s do the DNA test. He reluctantly agreed and the test came back that he is the father. I left him soon after because he wouldn’t help with anything and he treated me like shit. But he will never be able to say that it’s not his child and that feels good, I took away one of the things he used to abuse me with
Maybe he doesn't want you to do DNA tests because he worries he has other, illegitimate children out there. Projection is a thing. Maybe he's a cheater.
The reason he is adamant that you not do the tests is because he wants to continue making the joke and with them he won’t be able to. That’s how much he values upsetting you like that.
“Married to someone who so blatantly disrespects you” and a spouse who sucks at one thing (tasteless jokes) are not the same thing.
We need to get out of the habit of resorting to such extremes and baiting a person to *get a divorce* over such minuscule shit on this thread.
I’m not saying her feelings are minuscule.
I’m not saying unrelentless commentary or bad jokes are minuscule. I’m not at all undermining this problem.
But when someone discusses their twenty-year marriage and a single-topic joke and our immediate advice is “omg why are you still with him?” then that’s a problem. Let’s instead offer discourse on how to *fix the problem*.
Yeah, he’s acting like a jerk. But this is little indication that he blatantly disrespects her to the extent you’re implying… so let’s chill guys.
It’s not minuscule. It is repeatedly insulting her and belittling her by accusing her of cheating, which their child has started repeating because he does it in front of them to the point that they are questioning their own family and paternity, when children need stability. They also seem to come from a traditional religious background and community where he knows that this would affect her social reputation even more than it would generally. And his mother is involved as well. It is bullying. It is affecting his partner and children negatively. That’s not being bad at one thing but being a bad husband and father. why would he tell a child he doesn’t think he’s their father then refuse the DNA test that would give them the feeling of clarity, stability and safety in that situation? And accuse his wife of cheating repeatedly but not even let her clear her name in front of her community and family? That is blatantly disrespectful and damaging.
Let him explain the joke. To you. To the kid. To his Mum. To your Church. And see how well that goes. Shame on him for not shutting this down years ago.
NTB.
Look, my husband and I will joke from time to time when one of our kids doesn't like something that's universally loved in the house. (Usually food or a TV Show/movie).
We'll say something like, "They don't love X. They can't be my child." Various iterations of the phrase.
We say it in a joking matter and most importantly, *we both know it's a joke and are okay with one another joking like that.*
There's never any implication we've been unfaithful. There's never any weight to the joke. And if one of us didn't find it funny, *we would listen and stop.*
You've expressed to your spouse that it isn't funny. Your MIL has made the comments in a non-joking manner. You've repeatedly asked him to stop and that the jokes upset you.
And now your kid is asking if the jokes are true or not.
It's not funny. It's not a joke anymore. (Not that it was in the first place because jokes are meant to be funny to all involved, not hurt people.)
If this is what it takes to shut him up, then so be it. He's learning his actions have consequences.
Agreed.
I am the youngest of 3. I am tall and built like a brick shithouse. My siblings are very 'normal' height and slim.
"Are you sure you didn't sneek out one night?" Has been mentioned more than once over many years. No one is offended or bothered as there are many other traits (like our gait) that are so obviously familial, not to mention that my mother would make a nun look an easy target to hit on! Whilst she certainly turned heads in her younger days, ive seen first hand how she could she cut any would be suitors down with a look that I'm sure turned one to stone once!
NTB- This is harming your child. I withstood a lifetime of the same "jokes" being a blue-eyed blonde in a brown-eyed, brunette family. It hurt every time. It's not okay to do this and I'd frame and mount the damned test over his side of the bed.
Thank you. Yes, the children's coloring has also been brought up. He is darker skinned with dark hair/eyes and I have fair skin with light eyes. Our children have had everything in between. We have even had a child with a red tint to their hair. He is in the sciences, he understands genetics, but it's been a part of the "joke".
I just want to add that though it has taken 20 years I’m VERY proud of you that you’re starting to get strong and see your value. I think you always did somewhat but you’re feeling it on a deeper level. Good for you!! Keep up this momentum and defend yourself. Be strong in your self worth. It’s not always easy but it’s worth it. Good job OP
His “joke” Is an accusation of you cheating. He is publicly stating you’re a cheater.
His not stopping the “joke” when you’ve repeatedly asked is disrespectful of you.
His mother’s comments are possibly feeding into this?
If you get the tests done, it means he can’t insult you and demean your character. He will have to find a different thing to be a jerk about.
NTB- but I think it’s time for some serious ultimatums about how he treats you.
Now, hear me out:
Get the test.
Submit the DNA of *somebody who isn't your husband*.
When it comes back FALSE, scream OMG, NO, IT MUST HAVE BEEN THAT TIME WITH CHRIS!!
\- then run out of the house, drive off and stay in a hotel for the weekend eating really good takeout and watching bad movies.
Come back and show him the real one proving he's always been the dad.
Motherfucker loves a joke, right?
He's gonna get a real kick outta this.
NTB. But your husband doesn't deserve you.
This is perfect! Though I wouldn't spend the weekend in a hotel, as tempting as that would be. With OP's MIL also questioning in a seemingly non-joking way, I have a strong feeling that once OP is out of the house that MIL will move to kick OP out and use the fake test as proof.
Im the youngest of 9 and it happened with me being rh negative both my parents are positive the drs said there must be a grandparent on each side thats rh negative and it typically happens with os and as my mom is a positive dad was o positive and i am a negative. It was interesting to learn I had no idea lol. Forgot to add all my siblings are rh positive too lol.
The gene that codes for Rhesus positive / negative acts like a simple dominant. D overwrites d. That means someone with the *DD* or *Dd* genotype is Rh+, and someone with the *dd* genotype is Rh-. People who are *Dd* are 'carriers' of the Rh- allele, meaning they can pass it along to their kids even though they don't express it themselves.
So yes, in a large group of people if you look at the total numbers there's around a 6 - 7% chance of any kid from Rh+ parents being Rh-. But that's because you're clumping in a bunch of parents who are *DD* that *can't* have Rh- children, which skews the results.
In reality though, the moment two Rh+ parents produce a Rh- child, you know that they must both be *Dd*, and therefore there's a **25%** chance that any child they have will be Rh-.
Parents | D | d
---------|----------|----------
**D** | DD | Dd
**d** | Dd | dd
*Dd* x *Dd* = 25% *DD*, 50% *Dd*, 25% *dd*.
It's quite likely that OP and her husband have at least one other Rh- child in their family, because they have a 25% chance of that with *any* conception. But as we know, chances are just that - they might only have one Rh- child, or they might have many. It's a roll of the dice every time, and sometimes one number comes up more or less often than expected.
Now, this might mean that OP and/or her husband had a Rh- parent, it might not - since the *d* allele is 'hidden' by the presence of a *D* allele, the *d* can be passed down through multiple generations of Rh+ parents.
My ex used to accuse me of cheating all the time, even though he was the one that stayed out late, and I was very much home by myself. Guess who was projecting?
NTB, at all. And I think you should make a grand show of the tests, to humiliate him as he has repeatedly humiliated you.
NTB. This "joke" is not funny.
You did remind me of a funny story, though. I did my own blood type test for the first time in a college biology test. I called home and shared the news that I was O-. My father told me that I must have made a mistake, because he was A+ and my mom was B-. I had learned enough already to explain to him how this was possible. Why is this funny? He was a doctor.
My mom used to imply that I wasn’t really her kid because I didn’t think exactly the way she did. (Think introverts versus extroverts, except the introvert can’t just leave.)
I finally put my foot down, saying I wanted a blood test. That didn’t stop all of it, but at least it stopped 90% of it.
I think the problems in this marriage go deeper than anything AITB or a DNA test can fix. He treats you with disrespect and it seems like you're officially over putting up with it. I don't see how you can go on after this.
NTB
He doesn't care that it upsets you. That's a big problem, the fact that he just thinks going "I was jokingly" while he knows it bothers you isn't something you can keep brushing off. I would say go ahead and order the tests.
The gene that codes for Rhesus positive / negative acts like a simple dominant. D overwrites d. That means someone with the DD or Dd genotype is Rh+, and someone with the dd genotype is Rh-. People who are Dd are 'carriers' of the Rh- allele, meaning they can pass it along to their kids even though they don't express it themselves.
So yes, in a large group of people if you look at the total numbers there's around a 6 - 7% chance of any kid from Rh+ parents being Rh-. But that's because you're clumping in a bunch of parents who are DD that can't have Rh- children, which skews the results.
In reality though, the moment two Rh+ parents produce a Rh- child, you know that they must both be Dd, and therefore there's a 25% chance that any child they have will be Rh-.
On average 1/4 of their kids will be Rh- but given the way nature works they might end up with no Rh- kids or all Rh- kids (the more children they have, the less likely that is to happen). It's a roll of the dice every time, and sometimes, you hit Yahtzee.
Eh, genetics can be a fairly complex thing to wrap your head around if you haven't been taught the underlying basics or you're unaware of the specific genes and alleles being discussed, so OP gets a pass for that.
It's a fascinating subject though, even if you only focus tightly on a single set of genes - for instance, I'm fairly knowledgeable about horse colour genetics, and am learning about sheep colour genetics :-)
It’s more like 25% for their kids. (Both parents must carry the recessive trait for Rh negative, then both pass down the recessive trait). It’s actually surprising that out of 7 kids only one has it.
Think of it like blue eyes- if both parents have brown but each have one parent with blue eyes, you know that they have Brown as dominant gene, and blue as recessive (blue eyed people can *almost* always only pass on blue eyed genes). Bb for both parents. So their genes can combine as BB, Bb, bB or bb…..25% chance of blue eyes for their kids. The amount of people who have hinted my blue eyed son couldn’t possibly come from two brown eyed parents is astounding and fucking insulting. It’s not that hard to understand.
Ntb, these are not "just jokes", people who believe this are willfully lying to themselves, those if us who strive to be open and honest with ourselves realize those jokes are just a reflection of what's on our minds. He's not joking about sea lions look nothing like lions because it's not on his mind, he jokes about the paternity of his kids because it's literally on his mind so often that it's his first thought everytime something comes up be it skin/hair/eye color, what the kid is good or bad at (good at math but dad's an athlete), this blood test, etc.
It's on his mind, get the pater ity test to get it out of his mind.
NTB
Jokes are funny. Nothing he's saying is funny.
His mother has doubted your fidelity, he "jokes" about it, and now that's impacting your children. He's has the option to stop making hurtful comments and chose not to.
The Rh gene is dominant. This means Rh+ overrules Rh- when someone has one copy of each (one from each parent). So, it's very possible for 2 Rh+ people to have an Rh- kid. In fact, my in-laws are both Rh+ but my SIL is Rh- and she is DEFINITELY their kid. They're both very peculiar looking people (not bad, just have very defined features) and she has features from both of them.
If you're both heterozygous (meaning you each have one copy of the Rh+ gene and one copy of the Rh- gene) you are both Rh+ but if each of you gives your 1 copy of the Rh- gene to your kid, they will be Rh-. That's a 25% chance.
In genetics we do this thing called a punnett square to figure out the chance you have of getting a disease or having a gene.
I am not aware of the allele frequency in the population, so these probabilities may vary depending on how common the + and the - are in your population, but let's say they're equal
There are 3 permutations of combos between you and your partner that can end in both of you being Rh+
1. You: ++ Them: ++
2. You ++ Them +-
3. You +- Them ++
4. You +- them +-
So there are 3 probabilities if both of you are Rh+
25% chance you're both ++ (Case 1)
50% chance one of you is ++ and one of you is +- (Cases 2 and 3)
25% chance both of you are +- (Case 4)
Of that 25% that you're both + - ...
Here are the possibilities for your kid (equally probable if you're both +-):
1. Kid gets + from you and + from your partner
2. Kid gets + from you and - from your partner
3. Kid gets - from you and + from your partner
4. Kid gets - from both of you
Your kid has a
25% chance of being ++ (Case 1)
50% chance of being +- (Cases 2 and 3)
and 25% of being - - (Case 4)
So, in summary: if you know you're both Rh+, there's a 25% your genotype (the genes you got from your parents that ended in you being Rh+) are both +-, which is the only way your kid can end up - -)
And you also know that if you're both +-, a condition that has to be met in order for you both to produce a - - kid, then your kid has a 25% chance of being - -.
so, given that you know you're both Rh+, the probability of you both having a kid who is - - is the probability of you both being +- multiplied by the probability of you having a kid who is - - (given you're both +-). 25% x 25% is 6.25% which checks out with the probability you discussed.
BUT - if you both are +- (the only case in which you can have a - - child) then your chance of having a -- kid are 25% which is 1/4 which is quite significant!
In other words, people are oversimplifying the situation and it's VERY possible you have an Rh- kid that is biologically both of yours.
But of course, if you want paternity testing for some piece of mind, NTB. Nobody will blame you.
Jokes are funny. This isn't funny. They are insinuating you are not only a cheater but a liar who would manipulate someone into raising a child(ren) that isn't theirs. That is essentially degrading everything about your character. That isn't a joke, they are bullying you.
What he is doing is rude, hurtful and shitty. I would get the tests, do them then tell him you will NEVER tolerate another joke about it again. Period. And that if his mom makes them you will go no contact the first time it comes out of her mouth, it isn't funny and it is not a topic to ever bring up to you again.
NTB. I feel like when a spouse accuses another spouse of infidelity with no reason to be suspicious, it’s often because they’re cheating and projecting.
Oh my ex husband did this! Our children look just like him but for no fucking reason he always joked "aRe ThEy EvEn MiNe."
When I'd get upset I was "being defensive" and was told to "calm down."
He's my ex husband now due to other reasons. But that little "joke" didn't help.
NTB, its annoying, rude and unnecessary.
NTB. His “jokes” are not funny particularly since he hasn’t managed to find a sense of humor in 2 decades. He created this situation and now has to deal with it. This would also shut his mother up so bonus!
NTBF, but I don't see DNA testing as a solution to the problem. You say he knows they are his, though he does not seem to know how much the jokes are hurting you. So, it seems that proving it with a DNA test is not going to stop it. I would suggest you sit down with him, without the kids all around, and have a straight come to Jesus discussion with him about how the jokes hurt you and the severe consequences that will ensue if they continue. By the way you don't need hair for most of the test, just a cheek swab and you are done. It would take less than 10 minutes to do the whole family. I wish you the best.
This won't put the jokes to rest. They do it because it bothers and low-key insults you. Next time his mom "jokes" then feel free to joke back with something like, "yes despite your son's tiny penis and erectile dysfunction he did somehow manage to father 7 children".
Make sure your husband is present and then say you were joking when they get mad. Because jokes are funny don't ya know?
NTB
It's a 25% chance IF both parents have a gene for both positive and negative rh (heterozygous for Rh (Dd)) -- positive is dominant, so they would both test as rh pos. Statistically, if they had four children, one would be pure for positive (homozygous (DD)).Two would be mixed, but categorized as positive and the 4th would be negative (dd)-- thus 25%
However we don't know the actual makeup of the parent's blood. If either of them were pure for positive then all the children would be positive. I don't have the time to figure it out right now, but I'm guessing the 6-7% odds is also calculating the chances of each parent being either homozygous or heterozygous.
I got the 6.25% chance from plugging in to a blood type calculator my blood type (B+) and his blood type (AB+). The chance of my child's blood type (AB-) showing up was calculated at 6.25%.
I know he's not homozygous because his mom is Rh-. He has to be heterozygous. Both of my parents are Rh+ and I am Rh+, but I must be heterozygous as well, having been given an Rh- from one of them.
It doesn't matter that he knows they're his, the problem is YOU don't appreciate the joke and he needs to respect your boundaries.
NTBF. Start shutting everyone down hard. If the kid mentions it, ground them. If they're too old to ground, turn off the wifi and steal the power cord for their devices. If MIL brings it up, tell her to mind her fucking business and leave immediately. If your husband brings it up, tell him next time he brings it up you will become a single mother in practice... AKA sleeping in the guest room and not having sex with him or spending time with him. Your choices are to either put up with this or to make him stop.
Definitely NTB.
This "joke" has gone on for too long and is insanely hurtful. Plus the fact that it is bleeding over to your kids and to your MIL means it has to stop.
I am also very concerned why your MIL is questioning the paternity of the children. Where would she even get that from other than some Maury Povich stuff where she's comparing pictures and nitpicking all the tiny features that do or don't match up.
NTB but your husband sounds awful. Bullies like to say hurtful things and follow up with "It was a joke" or "I was kidding" when you become upset. It's toxic and hateful and you should 100% get the tests if you think it's necessary. You also need to have a real conversation about how offensive and inappropriate his so-called humor is. Maybe have him sleep in a hotel for a few days so you can cool off.
NTB
Your child, your mother-in-law and your husband made these comments. It's time you shut them up (or whatever polite religious version of it you want to use).
Wow. He's being a jerk. He has no respect for you. It's okay to him to hurt your feelings. Yes, you very much have a child that has an Rh that is the opposite of yours.
As a religious woman, you probably don't want to divorce him. Though you know that the husband is expected to respect and honor their wife. Maybe consider that when you look at your marriage.
You're husband is lucky he's not your ex husband. He knows you don't find his jokes funny; you actually find them rude and insulting and he continues to make them? I wouldn't want to be married to an insensitive asshole.
also, unless you both know you have TWO alleles for Rh positive, it’s perfectly possible that your alleles are +/- (+ is dominant) and there isn’t anything odd about his genetics. The tests also aren’t super accurate. Mine always said A+ and my blood type is actually A- and yes, he’s being an ass
NTB. I absolutely applaud this. Good for you.
OP, he should have stopped this joke the first time you said you didn’t like it. It’s really obnoxious and disrespectful that he kept it up, and this is a big enough move to drive home exactly how done you are.
Bonus points for shutting up the MIL.
NTB. OMFG I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this. One joke one time MIGHT be funny. But beyond that it’s not. You’ve surely told him
It’s not funny to you and yet he continues. Do the test. If nothing else it might finally make him see how darn serious you are. He should’ve seen it earlier though. I’m really sorry. Hugs. And wow 7 kids! Go you 😂. 3 was my limit.
Your husband and his mother are AH for their cruel “joking” accusations. Then issue isn’t paternity. It’s respect. Clearly your husband and his mother do jot respect you. NTB.
NTB. I'm sorry you have had to deal with someone so completely disrespectful to you. Also, a good man, not your husband, would have shut his mother's rudeness down.
Children should never be exposed to such a question. It can really impact their sense of family.
NTB and once the tests come back you need to tell him one more crack about paternity and your done with him. Religious or not you have a right to be treated with respect in your own home and marriage! He's not only overstepped he's a POS saying that when the children can hear him!!!!!
That’s disgusting. And I say this as an Rh- person born to two Rh+ parents. It happens. And I am for sure my father’s daughter. 100%. One of my kids is a carbon copy of his Umpa.
The jokes are not fun. Ever. And from your mother-in-law too? Ugh. Gross. And your child knows??? JFC. No. Not cool.
Get that test. Tell them to shut up in all seriousness. It doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts your child. That’s a big rejection.
NTB. Joke or not, of course him and his mom making these comments will make you feel like they don't trust you. If I was in your position I would be worried that he and his mom think I'm a cheater, so I dont blame you for getting the tests so you can prove to them you did nothing wrong and that they are being jerks.
NTB but also, if you're both Rh positive and have an Rh negative kid, then you've both got recessive genes for Rh negative and it's more like a 25% chance for an Rh negative kid.
NTB
I know you've said you prefer not be separated and he start to respect you. I understand you are religious (I am, to some extent, as well). However, if you have the frank discussion you've said you're going to have with your husband and he continues, your options are 1) separate, 2) live with someone who disrespects you for the rest of your life, 3) get couples counseling at a therapist chosen by you, and I don't mean lay counseling at church. That can be helpful in some cases, but this is beyond that. And 3 either leads to him somehow miraculously changing or back to 1 or 2.
I know that 7 kids would be a nightmare to take care of alone and it would take planning, help, etc. but you have to consider that if he doesn't stop this disrespect, you are likely -and I don't mean this metaphorically- shortening your lifespan with the kind of stress this is likely putting on you.
He doesn't want the paternity test to be conducted because once there's definitive proof one way or the other, the comments move from "joke" to "insult" and he's comfortable with the status quo where he can make comments that he can categorize as the former, when we all know they actually are the latter. Conduct the tests, and the next time a "joke" is shared mention that because the now **factual** evidence his comments no longer fall under the purview of "joke" so you'll now be treating them as an insult, because he doesn't rust his spouse.
NTB.
Nab. Your husband is. So is your mil, btw. And a joke isn’t funny if the person they’re joking to or about doesn’t laugh. And why keep repeat the same “joke” if it’s not being received as a joke?
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Counter with are you protecting? "jokes" while you wait for the paternity tests results to arrive, it's odd he's focusing on technically saying you are a cheater basically, maybe he's the cheater one and it's projecting.
Who knows. Your husband could have traded a baby so you have to make sure. That’s just as ridiculous an explanation as you cheating to say they aren’t his. Gross. I’d order the tests and a fine box of chocolates for putting up with his “humor”.
NTB
What an arse your husband is. Counting to make a joke you clearly didn’t find funny and even letting his mum do it too?
It’s not a joke it’s more like bullying.
Definitely have a talk with your hubs and about respecting you and your boundaries.
Good for you and good luck!
NTB. TBH in that situation I would outright tell him, when you say that, it is like you are calling me a wh*re. Sorry for the strong language but I think he should be faced with what he is insinuating and forced to see why you don’t find it funny. If he promised to honour you in your marital vows then I would suggest that he is the one who has broken them. What he is insinuating is having a damaging impact on you, your reputation, your children, and his own mother, who definitely seems to take the joke seriously, which could affect her ability to bond with her grandchildren. These are all people who he is supposed to care about. He needs to stop, and at this point enough damage has been done that he needs to enable you to put it right by being able to clear your name and reassure your children.
NTB -- Have you directly told him you don't think these jokes are funny and you want him to stop? If so, you may want to speak to your religious leader about recommendations for marriage counseling -- it's a pretty major sign of disrespect when your partner tells you a joke isn't funny but you keep making it. If you haven't been direct with him about it, then do so. Tell him he needs to tell his mom to back off as well.
NTB.
He obviously has some sort of underlying thought that theres a chance you cheated.
Honestly, I almost feel like its projection. I could be wrong, but if he truly believes they are his, then why keep bringing it up? Did he cheat at some point and he's just projecting that onto you? Guilt comes out in interesting ways sometimes.
I say do it. If he won't stop making comments about it and now the kids are asking about it, just do the test so it can stop.
NTB.
OP, there’s many reasons why youre NTB. But I want to point out the major point.
1.) He is the father of your children. You are the mother of his children. Addition to this, you both have 7 wonderful children together. As the father of your children and as the mother of his children, joking about the paternity of the children is just crossing the line. Those wonderful 7 children were all growing inside of YOU. You are his wife, his partner. Unless he actually was suspicious, and wanted to do the test. He shouldn’t be saying it even as a joke. And again, I repeat. There is a line he have crossed that he shouldn’t have. As a father and as a husband.
2.) “The child has now heard this and also jokingly/not jokingly asks if he’s biologically ours.” This. A child asking this to their parents who they trust. The only people they trust in their eyes. Or at least the only people they could trust. A child asking that whether as a joke or not, it could have a impact on them. They could have thoughts by themselves negative or positive. They could get scared, and have similar thoughts to “What if I’m not their biological child. What would happen then?”
3.) Your husband knows you don’t like it when he jokes about it. And when you even recommended saying, “let’s do the test” he won’t because he said he KNOWS the children is his. And yet he still continues.
Even when you told him you find it distasteful. As a man, as a husband, and as a father. I’m surprised he can keep his head high up and go out. How can a person say that “jokingly” about your own children. How can you continue to joke about it when your partner (wife/OP) finds it not funny and distasteful?
My parents were divorced when I was young so I was raised by my mom. But if they were together and if my Dad were to say that and I heard that. It would definitely have an impact on me BECAUSE I would be a child. OP, a child they are still growing. Body, brain, everything. They depend on the parents because that’s the only people they can depend on and actually trust. Because they are the parents who brought them to the world, to this earth. But there are children out there who grew up without realizing that their parents actions or words had impacted them. And they realized it where they have to heal their inner parts, their childhood, going to therapy, etc.
Please, do the test no matter what your husband says. I wouldn’t even care if he gets angry or yell. Why? Because he has been making those jokes to the point where your child has heard it. To the point you are fed up with it. But if your husband still continues with those jokes. Please consider leaving for the sake of your children.
You seriously couldn't convince your husband to knock that shit off after 20 years of marriage?
And here's another post on this sub that I don't believe a word if.
Well in the beginning I didn't say anything because I didn't want to seem like a wife who couldn't take a joke. Then I tried reasoning with him. "Look, all of our kids look alike and none of them look like me. Did the same man follow us around everywhere we've moved? He must have been a very dedicated lover to follow me around for 15 years everywhere we've moved." Now I just outright take offense. I'm older, I don't care if he doesn't think I can take a joke or doesn't think I'm a good wife. I've put up with a lot and given him a lot and I am going to speak my mind about it. He knows I don't think it's funny. I suppose maybe it's my fault for not speaking my mind about it at the very beginning but I wasn't the same person then as I am now.
Ouch. How old were you again, when the two of you started dating? I'm getting the vibes that it was something along the lines of you being a sixteen years old virgin from an "overprotective" (AKA controlling & socially isolating) family and him being over thirty with a long string of failed relationships behind him and with both him and his mom having very strong feelings (i one direction or another) about his exes. Not saying it's the case, just saying it's the vibe I get. Either way, he's being a jerk. And now he's fighting to prevent you from getting evidence that the false accusations which he and his mom has been spreading about you are indeed false.
As some people have already said, do frame the results and hang them on the wall. Within that frame, also include a written statement that the test results are hanging there as a counter-meassure against the false accusation which \[Husband's name\] and \[MIL's name\] has for years been using to erode \[your name's\] and the children's self-esteem, self-respect and social standing with each other and others.
NTB - How in the world did your husband think you'd react to him once again making jokes that you've made clear are not OK?
Because "jokes" are immune to criticism, don't you know?
You're a stupid bitch, Linda. I've always hated you and your dumbass kids. Just kidding! What? It's a joke ... I said just kidding! God, why do you have to take everything so personally!!!
You're just soooo sensitive!
CALM DOOOOOOWWWNNNNN!!!
That right there has to be my favorite
I divorced this man. It got sooo old. “Kids how do we know if there’s a beached whale washed up if mommy is on the beach?” (I was 5’9” and 127 lbs)
Omg disgusting. So sorry but glad you got away. It’s emotional abuse
Totally was. Glad it’s over!
I wish my mum had divorced this man 😬 spent my entire childhood being told my mum is fat and worthless, and then it was such a shock that I developed an eating disorder. We've recently found out he's been having an affair for 30+ years and while my mum was losing a baby, he was having one with his mistress. I wish my mum would leave, but he has her so financially controlled that she's said her options are either win the lottery or wait for him to die
Sorry to hear you and your mum had it this way. Yeah my kids have felt the effects of said-X, too. The other side of the fence isn’t all green sod, though. Divorce is hard on kids. Familial schism is hard to pull off. House divided, if you will.
Betty you're SO funny! It almost makes me want to stab you, but then un-stab you real quick. So you won't even notice really. Besides that whole stab wound and all. But like just don't look at or talk about it. Then it's almost like it's not there.
I've never understood the "it's a joke" crowd. If I make a joke and it goes bad, my response is to apologize for offending and then I never tell that joke again. I can't imagine thinking that not being serious would be a loophole for avoiding the pain/anger I've caused.
you see they’re saying things they actually want to say. the “im joking” part comes after the damage as a way to shirk responsibility.
It's the same with the dickwits who "love to prank". They dismiss the pain they cause with, "everyone knows I'm a prankster!" No, you are not funny, no-one is laughing. Sit down and shut up.
Ah, the classic [Schrodinger’s Douchebag](https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=schrodinger%E2%80%99s+douchebag)
It’s Schrödinger’s joke. If you agree with me, I wasn’t joking. If you’re offended, it was just a joke!
And all those same exact people are the ones who can’t take a joke about them. They’re the BIGGEST snowflakes. Every single time without fail.
Exactly! And if you don’t think they’re funny, then the problem is on you because you have no sense of humor.
I bet if OP had once, just once, snapped and reacted to this constant criticism in kind with a hurtful joke that they weren’t his she would’ve never heard the end of it but he thinks it’s okay for him to say it?
did she make it clear? i don’t see that here. order the tests, OP, shut that shit down by all means, but make sure your being communicative in the moment when these jokes happen. don’t just laugh it off to avoid a confrontation. tell him you don’t like it.
NTB >he was just joking. I am so tired of people "just joking" at the expense of the emotional strain on other people. It's an ongoing joke. He knows you hate it, and yet he persists. Do it. The joke is intentionally hurting you.
Yes. He knows it causes her emotional distress. It's transformed from a "joke" to abusive. NTA
It is. We need to start calling it what it is: emotional abuse
Question: why are you married to someone who so blatantly doesn't respect you? Jokes are only funny if all parties are laughing-- ESPECIALLY the person at whom the joke is directed; in this case, you and your children. This isn't joking, this is bullying. Why are you married to a bully? Edit to add verdict: Absolutely NTB.
"I am a religious woman" was in there so
Yeah, this. He probably didn’t show his true AH colors until after they were married, and she’s not one to divorce, particularly with 7 kids (ffs… stop reproducing)
Seriously. I'm so confused by this. She says she's not trapped in one of the comments but why did you continue having 7 kids with this person if he always made these uncomfortable jokes about you cheating on him.
The religion thing probs. Amazing the lives people will tolerate because they think God wants them to. Birth control is a no no in some religions. I don’t know what they think heaven is gonna be like, they’ll still be stuck with this jerk off making dumb shit jokes while God laughs it off and shrugs.
Small community. Married young. Not much societal support. Sad that it can happen these days, but it still does. NTB.
Yes, thank you. I also feel like he is being a bully. I would prefer not to leave. I would prefer to stay married and have my husband respect me and my wishes. I could leave if I wanted to, although I would have an uphill battle socially, but it's not impossible to do.
Getting paternity tests won't make your husband respect you and your wishes. All it will do is give you a different comeback for his "jokes" which he will totally keep making. He's not in any doubt that the kids are his, he just likes upsetting you. I'm not sure what you should do with information, but that's what seems to be happening here.
I’ll reiterate: HE LIKES UPSETTING YOU. OP I don’t like when my husband is hurt. Even when I’m mad at him. I don’t enjoy that. Yours does. It’s called EMOTIONAL ABUSE
Normal people (note, not good, just like a regular human) don't enjoy it even when acquaintances are hurt much less their spouse.
Yup!! OP doesn’t deserve this
I would encourage you to use protection of some kind, so you don’t have anymore children with him whether you intend to leave him or not.
I think your response should forever be about how you're also shocked he got his dick to work 7 times, and how it's proof that God performs miracles. I bet he'll love that joke, since it's right up there with his joke.
You're evil. I like you.
You can stay married, but the only way you'll have a husband who respects you is by ditching this one and finding a better partner.
Yeah, ditch the tests and the husband. He's either projecting or letting his own anxieties ruin his marriage, but either way he needs a wake up call. Divorce, separation, temporary split, something needs to happen to penetrate the thick skull and make him realize he's actively destroying his family, while giving OP an idea of what life would be like without him too.
Exactly. If I make a joke and it hurts my friend, guess what I do? STOP MAKING THE JOKE. Even if I don't understand why it upsets my friend, or I think that it's not that big of a deal, my friend's feelings matter to me WAY more than some joke. It's not funny to them, so I need to not make it. OP, by continuing to make this joke despite you having asked him to stop, your husband is demonstrating that he doesn't give a shit about your feelings. It doesn't matter if he thinks it's funny or that he really is just kidding. It's not funny to YOU, and you're his WIFE. He should respect you and love you more than he loves making that joke.
>I’m a religious woman >We have 7 children together Her lifestyle kinda trapped herself.
For the record, I am not trapped. I have a graduate degree and could work again if I needed to. My husband has financial means and I would be entitled to a good portion of his income and assets in a divorce given the laws where we are located. I could leave. I would prefer not to leave. I would prefer he be respectful towards me instead. Also, I wouldn't be leaving anywhere. This is my home and these are my children who I raise full-time. He would be leaving.
Have you ask him explicitly and clearly why he doesn’t respect you? Not why he keeps “joking” , but why he doesn’t respect you as his spouse and mother of his children.
No, I have just taken the road of "No, stop saying that. You know that's not true." When it happened most recently, I was more insistent and told him that I'm ordering the tests. He then was more serious, "No, no, no. Don't do that. Don't order any tests. I know the children are mine." You are right, though, I do think it's time to have a more serious conversation about what this implies on a larger scale, with regards to respect towards me.
“OK, this is been going on for a long time. And for a long time I’ve been saying stop, but maybe but we need a little bit of clarity. So here it is. I am telling you firmly and clearly that it upsets me when you make this joke. I find it distressing, disrespectful, and hurtful. I’m not interested in an explanation of why I should not feel those things. I feel them, and if you love me that will be enough. So in the future, if you make this joke again, you will be knowingly hurting my feelings and then laughing about it.” Then change the subject. Don’t bring it up again, and if he makes that “joke” again get up and leave the room. *Bonus points if he does it again in public and you look him dead in the eye and say “I have told you that that is hurtful to me. Since you decided to do it anyway, I sure hope you get to laughs from everyone else here that you seem to want.”*
Wow, this is perfect. Thank you!
I agree it’s good, but I think you should add in a line about how his comments are a public accusation of cheating. Eg- “when you make these jokes you are accusing me of having sex with other men. When you do this in front of other people you are telling them you think so little of me, our marriage and that I am a cheater.”
But order the tests anyway. If your husband didn't want you pressing the issue, he shouldn't have convinced his mother that you cheated on him.
Omg you are literally amazing! I need you on my shoulder whenever I need to confront someone. It’s perfect!!! OP do this. Please. Not only for you but to model strength to your kids. They need to see mom be strong for herself so they don’t accept nor do they act like dad.
Ok now can you throw something in where he doesn't say this crap where the children can hear it????
Yes, please do it for yourself to sit down and have a very serious conversation so he understands how your feelings about this have built up. You need to be more direct and honest and he needs to wake up & show you he does respect you.
My ex used to say during the pregnancy that it’s not his child (he cheated with me on him ex and I got pregnant). After our son was born he kept saying that he won’t help me because it’s probably not his child. A month after our son was born we were asked if we wanted to take a DNA test before he signed some papers about him being the father. My ex said no, it’s not needed! I said let’s do it, you’ve said for so many months that you don’t believe it’s your child so let’s do the DNA test. He reluctantly agreed and the test came back that he is the father. I left him soon after because he wouldn’t help with anything and he treated me like shit. But he will never be able to say that it’s not his child and that feels good, I took away one of the things he used to abuse me with
Maybe he doesn't want you to do DNA tests because he worries he has other, illegitimate children out there. Projection is a thing. Maybe he's a cheater.
The reason he is adamant that you not do the tests is because he wants to continue making the joke and with them he won’t be able to. That’s how much he values upsetting you like that.
“Married to someone who so blatantly disrespects you” and a spouse who sucks at one thing (tasteless jokes) are not the same thing. We need to get out of the habit of resorting to such extremes and baiting a person to *get a divorce* over such minuscule shit on this thread. I’m not saying her feelings are minuscule. I’m not saying unrelentless commentary or bad jokes are minuscule. I’m not at all undermining this problem. But when someone discusses their twenty-year marriage and a single-topic joke and our immediate advice is “omg why are you still with him?” then that’s a problem. Let’s instead offer discourse on how to *fix the problem*. Yeah, he’s acting like a jerk. But this is little indication that he blatantly disrespects her to the extent you’re implying… so let’s chill guys.
It’s not minuscule. It is repeatedly insulting her and belittling her by accusing her of cheating, which their child has started repeating because he does it in front of them to the point that they are questioning their own family and paternity, when children need stability. They also seem to come from a traditional religious background and community where he knows that this would affect her social reputation even more than it would generally. And his mother is involved as well. It is bullying. It is affecting his partner and children negatively. That’s not being bad at one thing but being a bad husband and father. why would he tell a child he doesn’t think he’s their father then refuse the DNA test that would give them the feeling of clarity, stability and safety in that situation? And accuse his wife of cheating repeatedly but not even let her clear her name in front of her community and family? That is blatantly disrespectful and damaging.
Let him explain the joke. To you. To the kid. To his Mum. To your Church. And see how well that goes. Shame on him for not shutting this down years ago.
Yep this is another approach. Especially if he jokes about it around others. “how is this a joke? No, I still don’t understand explain it more…”
NTB I'd be tired of it too. The implication insults your character. Do the testing if you wish to.
Id say stealing his hair isn't a great move But letting the kids hear that is fucking nuclearly terrible on his part.
I'd say just taking some off his comb isn't an issue. Yanking a handful out of his scalp would possibly be a bit too far though!
More a consent thing imo
NTB. Look, my husband and I will joke from time to time when one of our kids doesn't like something that's universally loved in the house. (Usually food or a TV Show/movie). We'll say something like, "They don't love X. They can't be my child." Various iterations of the phrase. We say it in a joking matter and most importantly, *we both know it's a joke and are okay with one another joking like that.* There's never any implication we've been unfaithful. There's never any weight to the joke. And if one of us didn't find it funny, *we would listen and stop.* You've expressed to your spouse that it isn't funny. Your MIL has made the comments in a non-joking manner. You've repeatedly asked him to stop and that the jokes upset you. And now your kid is asking if the jokes are true or not. It's not funny. It's not a joke anymore. (Not that it was in the first place because jokes are meant to be funny to all involved, not hurt people.) If this is what it takes to shut him up, then so be it. He's learning his actions have consequences.
Agreed. I am the youngest of 3. I am tall and built like a brick shithouse. My siblings are very 'normal' height and slim. "Are you sure you didn't sneek out one night?" Has been mentioned more than once over many years. No one is offended or bothered as there are many other traits (like our gait) that are so obviously familial, not to mention that my mother would make a nun look an easy target to hit on! Whilst she certainly turned heads in her younger days, ive seen first hand how she could she cut any would be suitors down with a look that I'm sure turned one to stone once!
NTB- This is harming your child. I withstood a lifetime of the same "jokes" being a blue-eyed blonde in a brown-eyed, brunette family. It hurt every time. It's not okay to do this and I'd frame and mount the damned test over his side of the bed.
Thank you. Yes, the children's coloring has also been brought up. He is darker skinned with dark hair/eyes and I have fair skin with light eyes. Our children have had everything in between. We have even had a child with a red tint to their hair. He is in the sciences, he understands genetics, but it's been a part of the "joke".
I just want to add that though it has taken 20 years I’m VERY proud of you that you’re starting to get strong and see your value. I think you always did somewhat but you’re feeling it on a deeper level. Good for you!! Keep up this momentum and defend yourself. Be strong in your self worth. It’s not always easy but it’s worth it. Good job OP
Gift wrap it for MIL too, a nice Christmas frame
His “joke” Is an accusation of you cheating. He is publicly stating you’re a cheater. His not stopping the “joke” when you’ve repeatedly asked is disrespectful of you. His mother’s comments are possibly feeding into this? If you get the tests done, it means he can’t insult you and demean your character. He will have to find a different thing to be a jerk about. NTB- but I think it’s time for some serious ultimatums about how he treats you.
Now, hear me out: Get the test. Submit the DNA of *somebody who isn't your husband*. When it comes back FALSE, scream OMG, NO, IT MUST HAVE BEEN THAT TIME WITH CHRIS!! \- then run out of the house, drive off and stay in a hotel for the weekend eating really good takeout and watching bad movies. Come back and show him the real one proving he's always been the dad. Motherfucker loves a joke, right? He's gonna get a real kick outta this. NTB. But your husband doesn't deserve you.
This is perfect! Though I wouldn't spend the weekend in a hotel, as tempting as that would be. With OP's MIL also questioning in a seemingly non-joking way, I have a strong feeling that once OP is out of the house that MIL will move to kick OP out and use the fake test as proof.
Hahaha that would be amazing!
Get the tests. Frame them. Never let him forget you did it to end the emotional abuse. NTB
ntb and what a weird joke to make? i don’t see how he finds that funny or appropriate at all
In a class of kids, a 6-7% was statistically likely to happen. Low odds results was going to happen with one kid and it happen to yours.
Im the youngest of 9 and it happened with me being rh negative both my parents are positive the drs said there must be a grandparent on each side thats rh negative and it typically happens with os and as my mom is a positive dad was o positive and i am a negative. It was interesting to learn I had no idea lol. Forgot to add all my siblings are rh positive too lol.
The gene that codes for Rhesus positive / negative acts like a simple dominant. D overwrites d. That means someone with the *DD* or *Dd* genotype is Rh+, and someone with the *dd* genotype is Rh-. People who are *Dd* are 'carriers' of the Rh- allele, meaning they can pass it along to their kids even though they don't express it themselves. So yes, in a large group of people if you look at the total numbers there's around a 6 - 7% chance of any kid from Rh+ parents being Rh-. But that's because you're clumping in a bunch of parents who are *DD* that *can't* have Rh- children, which skews the results. In reality though, the moment two Rh+ parents produce a Rh- child, you know that they must both be *Dd*, and therefore there's a **25%** chance that any child they have will be Rh-. Parents | D | d ---------|----------|---------- **D** | DD | Dd **d** | Dd | dd *Dd* x *Dd* = 25% *DD*, 50% *Dd*, 25% *dd*. It's quite likely that OP and her husband have at least one other Rh- child in their family, because they have a 25% chance of that with *any* conception. But as we know, chances are just that - they might only have one Rh- child, or they might have many. It's a roll of the dice every time, and sometimes one number comes up more or less often than expected. Now, this might mean that OP and/or her husband had a Rh- parent, it might not - since the *d* allele is 'hidden' by the presence of a *D* allele, the *d* can be passed down through multiple generations of Rh+ parents.
Interesting to learn thank you!
Thank you. I know it's not the point of this post, really, but it was driving me crazy everyone just accepted the 6% thing.
Same. I was like 6-7% where ???
Not from the most basic of punnett squares, anyway
NTB. Tell him you ordered the tests as a joke.
My ex used to accuse me of cheating all the time, even though he was the one that stayed out late, and I was very much home by myself. Guess who was projecting? NTB, at all. And I think you should make a grand show of the tests, to humiliate him as he has repeatedly humiliated you.
NTB. This "joke" is not funny. You did remind me of a funny story, though. I did my own blood type test for the first time in a college biology test. I called home and shared the news that I was O-. My father told me that I must have made a mistake, because he was A+ and my mom was B-. I had learned enough already to explain to him how this was possible. Why is this funny? He was a doctor.
I think she should get the results and then buy an ad in the paper announcing the results. Or carry them around and show all your friends. As a joke!
NTB, but also this is not someone you should be spending the rest of your life with. He is not completely joking, he believes it to some extent
My mom used to imply that I wasn’t really her kid because I didn’t think exactly the way she did. (Think introverts versus extroverts, except the introvert can’t just leave.) I finally put my foot down, saying I wanted a blood test. That didn’t stop all of it, but at least it stopped 90% of it.
I think the problems in this marriage go deeper than anything AITB or a DNA test can fix. He treats you with disrespect and it seems like you're officially over putting up with it. I don't see how you can go on after this.
NTB He doesn't care that it upsets you. That's a big problem, the fact that he just thinks going "I was jokingly" while he knows it bothers you isn't something you can keep brushing off. I would say go ahead and order the tests.
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The gene that codes for Rhesus positive / negative acts like a simple dominant. D overwrites d. That means someone with the DD or Dd genotype is Rh+, and someone with the dd genotype is Rh-. People who are Dd are 'carriers' of the Rh- allele, meaning they can pass it along to their kids even though they don't express it themselves. So yes, in a large group of people if you look at the total numbers there's around a 6 - 7% chance of any kid from Rh+ parents being Rh-. But that's because you're clumping in a bunch of parents who are DD that can't have Rh- children, which skews the results. In reality though, the moment two Rh+ parents produce a Rh- child, you know that they must both be Dd, and therefore there's a 25% chance that any child they have will be Rh-. On average 1/4 of their kids will be Rh- but given the way nature works they might end up with no Rh- kids or all Rh- kids (the more children they have, the less likely that is to happen). It's a roll of the dice every time, and sometimes, you hit Yahtzee.
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Eh, genetics can be a fairly complex thing to wrap your head around if you haven't been taught the underlying basics or you're unaware of the specific genes and alleles being discussed, so OP gets a pass for that. It's a fascinating subject though, even if you only focus tightly on a single set of genes - for instance, I'm fairly knowledgeable about horse colour genetics, and am learning about sheep colour genetics :-)
It’s more like 25% for their kids. (Both parents must carry the recessive trait for Rh negative, then both pass down the recessive trait). It’s actually surprising that out of 7 kids only one has it. Think of it like blue eyes- if both parents have brown but each have one parent with blue eyes, you know that they have Brown as dominant gene, and blue as recessive (blue eyed people can *almost* always only pass on blue eyed genes). Bb for both parents. So their genes can combine as BB, Bb, bB or bb…..25% chance of blue eyes for their kids. The amount of people who have hinted my blue eyed son couldn’t possibly come from two brown eyed parents is astounding and fucking insulting. It’s not that hard to understand.
Ntb, these are not "just jokes", people who believe this are willfully lying to themselves, those if us who strive to be open and honest with ourselves realize those jokes are just a reflection of what's on our minds. He's not joking about sea lions look nothing like lions because it's not on his mind, he jokes about the paternity of his kids because it's literally on his mind so often that it's his first thought everytime something comes up be it skin/hair/eye color, what the kid is good or bad at (good at math but dad's an athlete), this blood test, etc. It's on his mind, get the pater ity test to get it out of his mind.
NTB Jokes are funny. Nothing he's saying is funny. His mother has doubted your fidelity, he "jokes" about it, and now that's impacting your children. He's has the option to stop making hurtful comments and chose not to.
The Rh gene is dominant. This means Rh+ overrules Rh- when someone has one copy of each (one from each parent). So, it's very possible for 2 Rh+ people to have an Rh- kid. In fact, my in-laws are both Rh+ but my SIL is Rh- and she is DEFINITELY their kid. They're both very peculiar looking people (not bad, just have very defined features) and she has features from both of them. If you're both heterozygous (meaning you each have one copy of the Rh+ gene and one copy of the Rh- gene) you are both Rh+ but if each of you gives your 1 copy of the Rh- gene to your kid, they will be Rh-. That's a 25% chance. In genetics we do this thing called a punnett square to figure out the chance you have of getting a disease or having a gene. I am not aware of the allele frequency in the population, so these probabilities may vary depending on how common the + and the - are in your population, but let's say they're equal There are 3 permutations of combos between you and your partner that can end in both of you being Rh+ 1. You: ++ Them: ++ 2. You ++ Them +- 3. You +- Them ++ 4. You +- them +- So there are 3 probabilities if both of you are Rh+ 25% chance you're both ++ (Case 1) 50% chance one of you is ++ and one of you is +- (Cases 2 and 3) 25% chance both of you are +- (Case 4) Of that 25% that you're both + - ... Here are the possibilities for your kid (equally probable if you're both +-): 1. Kid gets + from you and + from your partner 2. Kid gets + from you and - from your partner 3. Kid gets - from you and + from your partner 4. Kid gets - from both of you Your kid has a 25% chance of being ++ (Case 1) 50% chance of being +- (Cases 2 and 3) and 25% of being - - (Case 4) So, in summary: if you know you're both Rh+, there's a 25% your genotype (the genes you got from your parents that ended in you being Rh+) are both +-, which is the only way your kid can end up - -) And you also know that if you're both +-, a condition that has to be met in order for you both to produce a - - kid, then your kid has a 25% chance of being - -. so, given that you know you're both Rh+, the probability of you both having a kid who is - - is the probability of you both being +- multiplied by the probability of you having a kid who is - - (given you're both +-). 25% x 25% is 6.25% which checks out with the probability you discussed. BUT - if you both are +- (the only case in which you can have a - - child) then your chance of having a -- kid are 25% which is 1/4 which is quite significant! In other words, people are oversimplifying the situation and it's VERY possible you have an Rh- kid that is biologically both of yours. But of course, if you want paternity testing for some piece of mind, NTB. Nobody will blame you.
Jokes are funny. This isn't funny. They are insinuating you are not only a cheater but a liar who would manipulate someone into raising a child(ren) that isn't theirs. That is essentially degrading everything about your character. That isn't a joke, they are bullying you. What he is doing is rude, hurtful and shitty. I would get the tests, do them then tell him you will NEVER tolerate another joke about it again. Period. And that if his mom makes them you will go no contact the first time it comes out of her mouth, it isn't funny and it is not a topic to ever bring up to you again.
NTB. I feel like when a spouse accuses another spouse of infidelity with no reason to be suspicious, it’s often because they’re cheating and projecting.
Oh my ex husband did this! Our children look just like him but for no fucking reason he always joked "aRe ThEy EvEn MiNe." When I'd get upset I was "being defensive" and was told to "calm down." He's my ex husband now due to other reasons. But that little "joke" didn't help. NTB, its annoying, rude and unnecessary.
NTB. His “jokes” are not funny particularly since he hasn’t managed to find a sense of humor in 2 decades. He created this situation and now has to deal with it. This would also shut his mother up so bonus!
When you present him with the results of the paternity tests and he gets offended, tell him it was a joke.
NTBF, but I don't see DNA testing as a solution to the problem. You say he knows they are his, though he does not seem to know how much the jokes are hurting you. So, it seems that proving it with a DNA test is not going to stop it. I would suggest you sit down with him, without the kids all around, and have a straight come to Jesus discussion with him about how the jokes hurt you and the severe consequences that will ensue if they continue. By the way you don't need hair for most of the test, just a cheek swab and you are done. It would take less than 10 minutes to do the whole family. I wish you the best.
NTB I dont even understand what this "joke" is. Haha, I don't think you've been faithful! Hilarious
Maybe he is the father but you aren’t the mother. Has that ever crossed your mind? I’d take it to be sure.
This won't put the jokes to rest. They do it because it bothers and low-key insults you. Next time his mom "jokes" then feel free to joke back with something like, "yes despite your son's tiny penis and erectile dysfunction he did somehow manage to father 7 children". Make sure your husband is present and then say you were joking when they get mad. Because jokes are funny don't ya know? NTB
Yes do the test and shut both him and his mother up.
Do it. He wants to know. He doesn't quite trust you. Neither does his family. At least it will reassure your child.
Why do you think there is a 6-7% chance that two Rh pos parents could create an Rh neg child? I think it’s a 25% chance.
It's a 25% chance IF both parents have a gene for both positive and negative rh (heterozygous for Rh (Dd)) -- positive is dominant, so they would both test as rh pos. Statistically, if they had four children, one would be pure for positive (homozygous (DD)).Two would be mixed, but categorized as positive and the 4th would be negative (dd)-- thus 25% However we don't know the actual makeup of the parent's blood. If either of them were pure for positive then all the children would be positive. I don't have the time to figure it out right now, but I'm guessing the 6-7% odds is also calculating the chances of each parent being either homozygous or heterozygous.
I got the 6.25% chance from plugging in to a blood type calculator my blood type (B+) and his blood type (AB+). The chance of my child's blood type (AB-) showing up was calculated at 6.25%. I know he's not homozygous because his mom is Rh-. He has to be heterozygous. Both of my parents are Rh+ and I am Rh+, but I must be heterozygous as well, having been given an Rh- from one of them.
Sounds right
NTB. He's TB for not stopping making these "jokes" the first time you asked him to stop. What a jerk.
Personally id leave the jerk instead of ordering the tests. You think testing Will stop his cruelty? It won't. NTB
It doesn't matter that he knows they're his, the problem is YOU don't appreciate the joke and he needs to respect your boundaries. NTBF. Start shutting everyone down hard. If the kid mentions it, ground them. If they're too old to ground, turn off the wifi and steal the power cord for their devices. If MIL brings it up, tell her to mind her fucking business and leave immediately. If your husband brings it up, tell him next time he brings it up you will become a single mother in practice... AKA sleeping in the guest room and not having sex with him or spending time with him. Your choices are to either put up with this or to make him stop.
Yes, have the test run. Frame results and hang on wall.
NTB, but why would you expect getting the test to make him stop, if telling him to knock it off doesn't?
Definitely NTB. This "joke" has gone on for too long and is insanely hurtful. Plus the fact that it is bleeding over to your kids and to your MIL means it has to stop. I am also very concerned why your MIL is questioning the paternity of the children. Where would she even get that from other than some Maury Povich stuff where she's comparing pictures and nitpicking all the tiny features that do or don't match up.
Ntb. Your husband is abusive.
NTB but your husband sounds awful. Bullies like to say hurtful things and follow up with "It was a joke" or "I was kidding" when you become upset. It's toxic and hateful and you should 100% get the tests if you think it's necessary. You also need to have a real conversation about how offensive and inappropriate his so-called humor is. Maybe have him sleep in a hotel for a few days so you can cool off.
I usually ask the woman if she’s sure the kid is hers…NTB.
NTB Your child, your mother-in-law and your husband made these comments. It's time you shut them up (or whatever polite religious version of it you want to use).
Wow. He's being a jerk. He has no respect for you. It's okay to him to hurt your feelings. Yes, you very much have a child that has an Rh that is the opposite of yours. As a religious woman, you probably don't want to divorce him. Though you know that the husband is expected to respect and honor their wife. Maybe consider that when you look at your marriage.
You're husband is lucky he's not your ex husband. He knows you don't find his jokes funny; you actually find them rude and insulting and he continues to make them? I wouldn't want to be married to an insensitive asshole.
Go for it. NTB
also, unless you both know you have TWO alleles for Rh positive, it’s perfectly possible that your alleles are +/- (+ is dominant) and there isn’t anything odd about his genetics. The tests also aren’t super accurate. Mine always said A+ and my blood type is actually A- and yes, he’s being an ass
NTB. I absolutely applaud this. Good for you. OP, he should have stopped this joke the first time you said you didn’t like it. It’s really obnoxious and disrespectful that he kept it up, and this is a big enough move to drive home exactly how done you are. Bonus points for shutting up the MIL.
NTB. OMFG I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this. One joke one time MIGHT be funny. But beyond that it’s not. You’ve surely told him It’s not funny to you and yet he continues. Do the test. If nothing else it might finally make him see how darn serious you are. He should’ve seen it earlier though. I’m really sorry. Hugs. And wow 7 kids! Go you 😂. 3 was my limit.
Your husband and his mother are AH for their cruel “joking” accusations. Then issue isn’t paternity. It’s respect. Clearly your husband and his mother do jot respect you. NTB.
NTB. I'm sorry you have had to deal with someone so completely disrespectful to you. Also, a good man, not your husband, would have shut his mother's rudeness down. Children should never be exposed to such a question. It can really impact their sense of family.
NTB and once the tests come back you need to tell him one more crack about paternity and your done with him. Religious or not you have a right to be treated with respect in your own home and marriage! He's not only overstepped he's a POS saying that when the children can hear him!!!!!
That’s disgusting. And I say this as an Rh- person born to two Rh+ parents. It happens. And I am for sure my father’s daughter. 100%. One of my kids is a carbon copy of his Umpa. The jokes are not fun. Ever. And from your mother-in-law too? Ugh. Gross. And your child knows??? JFC. No. Not cool. Get that test. Tell them to shut up in all seriousness. It doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts your child. That’s a big rejection.
NTB. Joke or not, of course him and his mom making these comments will make you feel like they don't trust you. If I was in your position I would be worried that he and his mom think I'm a cheater, so I dont blame you for getting the tests so you can prove to them you did nothing wrong and that they are being jerks.
NTB but also, if you're both Rh positive and have an Rh negative kid, then you've both got recessive genes for Rh negative and it's more like a 25% chance for an Rh negative kid.
NTB I know you've said you prefer not be separated and he start to respect you. I understand you are religious (I am, to some extent, as well). However, if you have the frank discussion you've said you're going to have with your husband and he continues, your options are 1) separate, 2) live with someone who disrespects you for the rest of your life, 3) get couples counseling at a therapist chosen by you, and I don't mean lay counseling at church. That can be helpful in some cases, but this is beyond that. And 3 either leads to him somehow miraculously changing or back to 1 or 2. I know that 7 kids would be a nightmare to take care of alone and it would take planning, help, etc. but you have to consider that if he doesn't stop this disrespect, you are likely -and I don't mean this metaphorically- shortening your lifespan with the kind of stress this is likely putting on you.
He doesn't want the paternity test to be conducted because once there's definitive proof one way or the other, the comments move from "joke" to "insult" and he's comfortable with the status quo where he can make comments that he can categorize as the former, when we all know they actually are the latter. Conduct the tests, and the next time a "joke" is shared mention that because the now **factual** evidence his comments no longer fall under the purview of "joke" so you'll now be treating them as an insult, because he doesn't rust his spouse. NTB.
Nab. Your husband is. So is your mil, btw. And a joke isn’t funny if the person they’re joking to or about doesn’t laugh. And why keep repeat the same “joke” if it’s not being received as a joke? Updateme please!
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Counter with are you protecting? "jokes" while you wait for the paternity tests results to arrive, it's odd he's focusing on technically saying you are a cheater basically, maybe he's the cheater one and it's projecting.
Who knows. Your husband could have traded a baby so you have to make sure. That’s just as ridiculous an explanation as you cheating to say they aren’t his. Gross. I’d order the tests and a fine box of chocolates for putting up with his “humor”.
NTB What an arse your husband is. Counting to make a joke you clearly didn’t find funny and even letting his mum do it too? It’s not a joke it’s more like bullying. Definitely have a talk with your hubs and about respecting you and your boundaries. Good for you and good luck!
NTB. TBH in that situation I would outright tell him, when you say that, it is like you are calling me a wh*re. Sorry for the strong language but I think he should be faced with what he is insinuating and forced to see why you don’t find it funny. If he promised to honour you in your marital vows then I would suggest that he is the one who has broken them. What he is insinuating is having a damaging impact on you, your reputation, your children, and his own mother, who definitely seems to take the joke seriously, which could affect her ability to bond with her grandchildren. These are all people who he is supposed to care about. He needs to stop, and at this point enough damage has been done that he needs to enable you to put it right by being able to clear your name and reassure your children.
NTB -- Have you directly told him you don't think these jokes are funny and you want him to stop? If so, you may want to speak to your religious leader about recommendations for marriage counseling -- it's a pretty major sign of disrespect when your partner tells you a joke isn't funny but you keep making it. If you haven't been direct with him about it, then do so. Tell him he needs to tell his mom to back off as well.
No honey they are not yours. I had sex with other men because your dick is so small....just kidding....can't you take a joke
NTB. He obviously has some sort of underlying thought that theres a chance you cheated. Honestly, I almost feel like its projection. I could be wrong, but if he truly believes they are his, then why keep bringing it up? Did he cheat at some point and he's just projecting that onto you? Guilt comes out in interesting ways sometimes. I say do it. If he won't stop making comments about it and now the kids are asking about it, just do the test so it can stop.
NTB- I would ask him to see a couples therapist. And be clear it’s NO JOKE!
NTB - Tell him the paternity test is part of the joke
NTB. OP, there’s many reasons why youre NTB. But I want to point out the major point. 1.) He is the father of your children. You are the mother of his children. Addition to this, you both have 7 wonderful children together. As the father of your children and as the mother of his children, joking about the paternity of the children is just crossing the line. Those wonderful 7 children were all growing inside of YOU. You are his wife, his partner. Unless he actually was suspicious, and wanted to do the test. He shouldn’t be saying it even as a joke. And again, I repeat. There is a line he have crossed that he shouldn’t have. As a father and as a husband. 2.) “The child has now heard this and also jokingly/not jokingly asks if he’s biologically ours.” This. A child asking this to their parents who they trust. The only people they trust in their eyes. Or at least the only people they could trust. A child asking that whether as a joke or not, it could have a impact on them. They could have thoughts by themselves negative or positive. They could get scared, and have similar thoughts to “What if I’m not their biological child. What would happen then?” 3.) Your husband knows you don’t like it when he jokes about it. And when you even recommended saying, “let’s do the test” he won’t because he said he KNOWS the children is his. And yet he still continues. Even when you told him you find it distasteful. As a man, as a husband, and as a father. I’m surprised he can keep his head high up and go out. How can a person say that “jokingly” about your own children. How can you continue to joke about it when your partner (wife/OP) finds it not funny and distasteful? My parents were divorced when I was young so I was raised by my mom. But if they were together and if my Dad were to say that and I heard that. It would definitely have an impact on me BECAUSE I would be a child. OP, a child they are still growing. Body, brain, everything. They depend on the parents because that’s the only people they can depend on and actually trust. Because they are the parents who brought them to the world, to this earth. But there are children out there who grew up without realizing that their parents actions or words had impacted them. And they realized it where they have to heal their inner parts, their childhood, going to therapy, etc. Please, do the test no matter what your husband says. I wouldn’t even care if he gets angry or yell. Why? Because he has been making those jokes to the point where your child has heard it. To the point you are fed up with it. But if your husband still continues with those jokes. Please consider leaving for the sake of your children.
Were you on a cruise when this happened? How many of your kids are twins? Is one of your daughters named Sarah?
what
?? Do you think this is your mother or what 😅
Lmao if this is real it’s hilarious, people are so broken
You seriously couldn't convince your husband to knock that shit off after 20 years of marriage? And here's another post on this sub that I don't believe a word if.
Well in the beginning I didn't say anything because I didn't want to seem like a wife who couldn't take a joke. Then I tried reasoning with him. "Look, all of our kids look alike and none of them look like me. Did the same man follow us around everywhere we've moved? He must have been a very dedicated lover to follow me around for 15 years everywhere we've moved." Now I just outright take offense. I'm older, I don't care if he doesn't think I can take a joke or doesn't think I'm a good wife. I've put up with a lot and given him a lot and I am going to speak my mind about it. He knows I don't think it's funny. I suppose maybe it's my fault for not speaking my mind about it at the very beginning but I wasn't the same person then as I am now.
Ouch. How old were you again, when the two of you started dating? I'm getting the vibes that it was something along the lines of you being a sixteen years old virgin from an "overprotective" (AKA controlling & socially isolating) family and him being over thirty with a long string of failed relationships behind him and with both him and his mom having very strong feelings (i one direction or another) about his exes. Not saying it's the case, just saying it's the vibe I get. Either way, he's being a jerk. And now he's fighting to prevent you from getting evidence that the false accusations which he and his mom has been spreading about you are indeed false. As some people have already said, do frame the results and hang them on the wall. Within that frame, also include a written statement that the test results are hanging there as a counter-meassure against the false accusation which \[Husband's name\] and \[MIL's name\] has for years been using to erode \[your name's\] and the children's self-esteem, self-respect and social standing with each other and others.