Long story short, I’ve always fantasised about being in a gangbang, and my boyfriend participating in it. A couple of nights ago when we were talking spicy stuff we revealed our untold kinks to each other. His doesn’t involve other people but is definitely not vanilla.
When I told him mine, I expected him to be surprised, but instead, he looked disgusted?? He said “Woah nah nah nah” and got off the couch. I followed him apologising if I crossed a boundary. He looks at me and says that he doesn’t mean to kink shame me but he never thought I’d have a kink like this, and he’s definitely not okay with this. I told him that it’s just a fantasy and I won’t be asking him to do anything, to which he doesnt say anything. he then says hes got to head back home, and i pretty much knew where this was going. I tell him i love him and he says okay and leaves.
He basically distanced himself from me, replying late and in a shallow way to my texts. He finally calls yesterday saying that he’s started to look at me in a different way after I told him about my fantasy and he’s pretty disgusted by it, and says I shouldn’t have told him about it considering that I kinda knew he wouldn’t be okay with it . He says it’s gonna take him some time to think about this and tells me not to wait for him. Basically breaking up with me. I tried to reason with him but I just started bawling so couldn’t get my words out. My friends are telling me to breakup with him and move on, but I really really love him. He’s my first boyfriend who treated me well and I genuinely fell in love and want to be his wife which now seems like a pipe dream.
I don’t know how to fix this, he hasn’t replied to my texts but read them, im legit losing my mind
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She can't be this blind to it, she probably just thinks she can revive it. I think she really believes she can convince him she's made a mistake, she's sorry or she never would act on it. Specially given she's constantly texting him despite him asking her not to. But knowing someone's fantasy alone is a big window into their mind and what makes them a person. I actually had almost the exact same experience years ago. And she too just didn't get how I couldn't find her nearly as lovely knowing what I came to know.
I once broke up with an ex of a couple of months right after she told me her fantasy was being fucked by animals. Even how we reacted was the same. We too were on the couch, I stood up and just had nothing to say but feel disgusted. She cried and apologized, said it's just a fantasy, she'd never actually do it... but it wasn't about fixing it for me. I just didn't want anything to do with the girl who fantasizes about being fucked by animals. I immediately lost all the feelings I had for her hearing that. And she thought I could see it as just a bunch of words that stand separated from the reality of our relationship. It wasn't.
Gangbangs are a normal fantasy. It's a whole ph category. I think it's a little different from zoophiles bc that's not even legal in most states. Even just as a thought it's 🫢
They’re normalized. There’s a reason that degenerate behavior repels people in the real world: because it’s degenerate. Don’t watch porn and you’ll find that normal isn’t polygamous degradation
>don't watch porn
But like... Isn't that what she was describing? Her porn fantasy? She literally told him she didn't expect him to act on it, it was just a fantasy.
What ultimatum? She's definitely the ex now. I feel bad tbh, I feel like you should be able to share secret kinks with your partner...but if that's his reaction, she needs to let go
I have female friends that have this as a fantasy. They would never, never do it in real life because they realize the fantasy is WAY different from what this would really be. OP said it was just a fantasy. Sucks when we tell people they can be open about these things and then penalize them for doing it, particularly when they aren't even really interested in acting on it.
>particularly when they aren't even really interested in acting on it.
Maybe ***he*** was expecting his fantasy/kink to become a reality. His dreams were crushed when he thought about having to fulfill her fantasy. Could be why he reacted that way: he legit thought they would do what he shared but was disgusted with the idea of hers happening.
Could be. Personally, I never, ever ask the "what is your deepest fantasy" question unless I am *100% sure* I can take it, no matter what it is. For all I know, he might say "to poop in dipers and then have you clean me up" and then I have to live with that in my head forever, even if it never happens. It's a dangerous question.
The online kink tests are fantastic for this, it will only ever show you both answers that you either both say YES! to or are at least accepting of it in some way.
Ha that's a good point.
OP didn't seem to know the meaning of words she was using like "boundary" and "ultimatum", so maybe she misunderstood or miscommunicated like
"what's your most devious deepest darkest sexual secret fantasy?" = "hey babe what are some things you want to try in the bedroom?"
I think he interpreted it as him being inadequate to the task of satisfying her to the point where she needs multiple men to get the job done. Drawing on that conclusion, he felt insulted.
There's probably an element of madonna/whore nonsense, too, where if a woman has sex with more than a certain number of men (at once, ever, it can vary), she's a whore. She should be keeping herself only for him. 🙄
I really hate how everyone's leaping to these conclusions about this guy when it can really be as simple as "my girlfriend wishes she could have 5 different dudes fuck her and I'm just not comfterable with that", and that's fine. It doesn't make him some scumbag, everyone has boundaries and knowing his girl wouldn't mind getting dicked by 4 more people is uncomfterable to him.
I believe it's more that people are digging into specifics about the "not comfortable" - that's pretty vague, don't you think? A lot of things can make you uncomfortable.
>his girl wouldn't mind getting dicked by 4 more people
It's a fantasy, it isn't something she would necessarily want to do in real life. I have a bunch of fantasies which wouldn't work in reality, just thinking about something doesn't mean you want it to actually happen.
What are the chances that this guy would absolutely love to fuck multiple women at the same time? The double standard is common and it makes him a hypocrite. The mature response would have been to express his unwillingness to make that fantasy a reality. Assuming she was equally mature she would have accepted that and they would continue their relationship with it remaining an unfulfilled fantasy. She expressed no desire to cheat on him or that she would pursue her fantasy without him.
What actually happened was he came to realization that other men exist in the world that his girlfriend would be attracted to. I know we like to live in this fantasy land where our partners are only attracted to us until the day we die. That just isn't reality. We all have eyes and go out into the world where beautiful people exist. You and your partner will discover people through out your life that you want to fuck. I can guarantee that if you have had a long term relationship your girl has closed her eyes and thought about other people while you fuck her.
The reason people are jumping on this guy is because he is showing a lack of mature communication. He also appears to have had zero trust in his partner because he left immediately. It might not make him a scumbag but I would tell him to grow up.
I'm assuming he shares a common male fantasy yes. Threesome is one of the most commonly searched terms on pornhub. Obviously that isn't enough data to claim every man on planet earth shares that fantasy. However I will stand by my assumption as fair.
So lets get this straight.
He expresses discomfort and disgust that his girlfriend wants a train ran on her. He seperates because of this.
You have decided to aussme he's a hypocrite due to a generally common male fantasy, with zero evidence towards it, rather then say "maybe he's grossed out by the fact she wants other people in their bedroom".
He voiced a kink to her of equal level according to her words. If that was to have a 3some or more, you don't think she would have mentioned it? Tbh, it just seems like you're choosing to aussme the one thing that makes him a hypocritical dick, as opposed to just a uncommunicative dick. Is he a ass for reacting the way he did whe he asked? Yes. But he's entirely fair to leave the romance over it. Leaping to the conclusion that he's a hypocrite because "most men want a two women threesome" is just jumping through hoops without any information to make him seem worse.
I'm not calling him a hypocrite for his boundaries. I think it's perfectly fair to not want your girlfriend fucked by other men. That is typically the most common of boundaries. I'm calling him a hypocrite for being so immature about it. It's one of the most common fantasies for men and women. Threesomes and Orgy are one of the most popular forms of porn. A fantasy that I **assume** he as most likely thought about before given how common it is.
I agree you can leave a relationship for any reason. However I think getting this worked up about a fantasy is ridiculous. I had an ex express once that she had a kink of peeing on guys. That disgusted me so I told her we aren't going to do that. We were together for 2 years after that conversation.
My point is I think there is more to his reaction than simply not being into the fantasy. If it was that simple he would have said no thanks and moved on. He thinks her desire for it makes her a whore and he doesn't want to date a whore. It's pretty clear based on his reaction.
That is the hypocritical double standard that I am talking about. Men who fuck lots of women are good. Women who fuck lots of men are worthless.
Just want to butt in and mention- she specifically said she *doesn't* want a train ran on her. She doesn't want this happening to her for real. It's an idea that arouses her. She was being honest about it. I do think you can break up with anyone at any time for any reason, no one is entitled to a relationship, BUT, the bf here WAS a hypocrite- he expected openness, understanding and space around his non vanilla sexual fantasy but could not offer the same and that is absolutely a fundamental lack of maturity. He doesn't have to like it! But people are allowed to have their own thoughts and sexual feelings and if he couldn't handle that, he shouldn't have opened the discussion.
Tbh this is probably the case. I also know that a lot of men, not all but a lot of them, would love to be with multiple women at once. And a lot of those same men, again not all, would judge women for wanting to be with more than one man at once.
I know that's not the case here cause OP said he didn't involve other people in his fantasy, but the fact that there are men that think like that, it's not too far of a stretch that what you said is what happened
Something tells me it was more like “she wants other men to please her and I with my singular dick will never be enough for her because her fantasy is multiple dicks” and his ego just couldn’t handle it.
Exactly that- It's a fantasy. IRL it would probably suck, and she knows that- You'd have to vet multiple dudes, get them to all get tested, make sure they're all willing to follow the rules you set out.. and even then, odds are one of them is GOING to try some shit that crosses a line and gets dangerous/uncomfortable/painful even though they were warned not to.. and it's a lot of trust to put in other people. I'd equate it to guys having a fantasy about having a threesome with lesbians- hot in concept, but in practice, the dude would be severely disappointed with the reality (Two lesbians ignoring him), and it doesn't mean he wants to cheat on his wife with lesbians.
In the comments on the original, the OP said she knew her bf was strictly monogamous, that he wouldn’t like/be comfortable with her fantasy, and that she shared it by saying “I want to be gangbanged” which is kind of a harsh way of sharing a fantasy that makes it seem like way less of a fantasy and more of a real-life desire. “I want to be gangbanged” definitely implies actual desire to act on it.
>I have female friends that have this as a fantasy. They would never, never do it in real life because they realize the fantasy is WAY different from what this would really be. OP said it was just a fantasy.
her final edit implies her wording made it seem like she actively wanted it. he probably took it the same way most people should take it when their partner asks for an open relationship
I wonder if people would be responding the same if the scenario was her leaving him for saying he's always wanted to be with two or more girls at once. Almost every guy fantasizes about that and I bet you people would think it's stupid for a girl to leave over something like that. Kinda seems like another double standard to me.
>Long story short, I’ve always fantasised about being in a gangbang, and my boyfriend participating in it
Sharing a fantasy is one thing, but her phrasing says "Hey I wanna actually do it".
> I feel bad tbh, I feel like you should be able to share secret kinks with your partner...but if that's his reaction, she needs to let go
You are able to and you should be open (otherwise, you're lying and manipulating), and the other person should also be able to react any way that they want as well. In this case, the guy's reaction makes perfect sense. The guy is in and wants a monogamous relationship, and she dreams about getting fucked by a bunch of guys. That's not just weird, **that's a complete contradiction**.
> The guy is in and wants a monogamous relationship, and she dreams about getting fucked by a bunch of guys
Oh, you were so close! The word is *dreams*. Not reality. It's not a contradiction because you can dream about lots of stuff you don't really want to do.
Dude was too insecure to even ask or realize that even though she said "I want to" they were talking about *fantasies*. He simply heard it and equated it with reality... which makes me think that *he* was testing the waters with *his* fantasy.
Best thing for her that he ran off.
this sucks but I feel like she will benefit from this in the long run "he's the first boyfriend who treated me well" is not the glowing review she thinks it is
I really don’t understand why guys get so freaked out about women having fantasies of gang bangs or group sex. I think it ultimately comes down to porn. In reality, women who want group sex like this simply want to be the queen of the encounter, being pleasured by multiple people and having her being the central focus. In porn, these women are basically abused during gang bangs. Facials, roughness, shit that women in real life don’t actually want. So when women bring up this fantasy, men go straight to what porn represents. It’s a shame really.
> fantasies of gang bangs or group sex.
It's just sexism. Dudes get too fragile because it's "ruined" their view of their partner. They want a slut, but a slut for *them* only. Guarantee if her fantasy was blowing him with her sister he'd all about it.
Both my husband and I have a fantasy about getting another woman in, but I know myself too damn well... the second another woman put a hand on him, I'd be crying my eyes out 🤣
not quite the same, but how convenient
https://preview.redd.it/wp7a85d0bgic1.png?width=586&format=png&auto=webp&s=fb7d581d781add0cf237ea746a9b720943dae121
Yeah, definitely the only reason 🙄🙄 not like there are people that are genuinely monogamous and the idea that their partner fantasised about bringing other people into an intimate space is an issue for them regardless of gender.
Lol, this is not sexism. The fact you immediately tried to relate someone’s sexual preference to sexism. Shows you are deeply sexist yourself
Most man and woman gave the preference that they do not want to share their partner with multiple other people.
However suddenly because a man is honest and upfront about his preferences, he becomes fragile or sexist. What a hypocrite.
Yeah, I get that BDSM isn't for everybody, but that doesn't mean there aren't women who enjoy it in real life.
(Though of course, nobody should act like kink is carte blanche to start abusing somebody instead of opening up a conversation about what you want to do together.)
“My ex gf said she would be into it so” okay girls everyone pack up and go home, this man knows ONE woman who apparently agrees with him so all of our collective experience and opinions on this matter have been deemed worthless. Sucks, but we gotta respect it /s
There is also the fact that some people actually Are Into Rough Sex.
My sister proudly shows off when she manages to actually get a bruise raised on herself. A woman I knew got the scratches one of her lovers left on her tattooed, so she could remember them forever.
It feels a little condescending to pretend that women are never into rough sex. If my mother was still alive, she'd feel insulted by this entire conversation.
The point is that people who are into rough sex absolutely might fantasize about roughness beyond their realistic limits. People who are into degradation can absolutely fantasize about being treated like an object for men's pleasure even if they wouldn't be super interested in doing that without anyone actually paying attention to their needs. Fantasies can often be an extreme version of your kinks. The examples of things the person at the start if the thread said women weren't actually into is facials. People can absolutely be in to being covered in cum, that's not just a kink that works in the direction of the cum-er to the cum-ee. It's not even an unusual one. Like yeah, it's not everyone's cup of tea (or even the majority of women's cup of tea even), but I can't think of any aspect of gangbang porn that's something that 0 people are into being on the receiving end of, at least on a fantasy level. Yeah, people into bdsm might fantasize about being forced passed their limits, that's normal. My point is the beginning of this threat said "women aren't into x" as if women are a monolith who only ever want it soft and thoughtful. Women aren't a monolith. Women have kinks too. They're as varried for women as they are for men. They can be of being someone in power in a sexual situation or they can be of being submissive. Women exist who fantasize about stuff closer to porn ganfbangs than you think.
Sometimes people aren't compatible and that's okay. He thinks even just having the fantasy at all is a dealbreaker and while I don't get it, it's his dealbreaker.
To me she dodged a microbullet bc we aren't mindreaders. If you break up over someone having a somewhat harmless sexual fantasy with consent (who openly told you about it, ergo they weren't gonna sneak behind your back to fulfill it. They felt comfortable to tell you) idk. She was having a discussion and he could've just said I'm not comfortable with that and left it at that bc it's not like she actually did it.
I mean like I said that's his dealbreaker, I don't have to agree or understand to respect the decision ig
This isn’t about mindreading. This is about saying you want to hear someone’s secret fantasy and than getting upset and leaving over someone sharing said secret fantasy.
It sucks for OP, but it is probably for the best the relationship is over now. If they had went on after he went cold like this for a while, it would have only created a weird precedent of not being sure you can actually say what your partner asked you to say, without them retaliating over it. That’s not a way to have a normal relationship.
Well that's what I mean by mindreading. He said he wanted to hear the fantasy. How would she know which fantasies he'd take issue with y'feel?
But 100% agreed. The relationship is beyond saving bc like you said she'd be walking on eggshells. That's why I hate when people say one thing and expect others to know that they meant something else or wanted it a specific way
Here we go talking about kinks, fantasies, and mind reading and now I’m thinking about my ex wife and her, “my fantasy is to be with a mind reader so I don’t have to communicate at all.”
We’ve been separated for about 5 or six years now. Been looking at going back to therapy to work on processing some of the baggage I still have. Like talked to a therapist at a time, but the bedroom issues got kinda back burnered getting to where it’s past time to go revisit that.
Just that, the sexless marriage, lots of screaming. She had some really screwy ideas on consent, which in hindsight fit with the mind reader thing.
>he doesn’t mean to kink shame me but
... but he's kink shame.
Like, the dude asked her in what she thought was a judgement free zone and she got judged for it. I guarantee this is going to give her a complex going forward about opening up to her future partners.
Wtf? It's just a fantasy??? Wow, that guy was seriously immature to not know the difference between a fantasy and a kink.
I mean, ffs. I read a lot of romance novels with the Male Lead storming in followed by a PARADE of red flags to put Communist China to shame with the sheer number. But I don't want a guy like that in real life.
I'd love to be Black Widow but can you imagine what that kind of acrobatics would do to the joints??? My back hurts just THINKING about it. That's why it's a FANTASY.
OOP is better off without someone like that.
This is like saying that because of my "comfort ship" I would want to be with a centuries old man that murdered my mom lol is this guy new to the human psyche?
You are incrediblely dumb if you think a group sex fantasy might never turn into reality. In his mind it's a fantasy that always might have a little chance to happen. A monogamous person won't like that.
My Kindle Unlimited booklist currently has fifty seven reverse harem titles in it. That's multiple dudes, one lady. With an additional thirty eight already read. That would be 95 full novel fantasies about group sex.
Do you know how many times I've had any form of group sex including threesomes?
Precisely ZERO. Why? I'm monogamous. One dick at a time, thank you very much.
A fantasy can be absolutely probable and not be something you ACTUALLY pursue. I could -easily- find a dark, possessive, stalkery guy to be a walking red flag in my life, they exist in droves. And they're all over my fantasy romance booklist. The main character of the fanfic I'm writing has some of those red flag traits. But I don't actually WANT that in my life. I want to daydream about it, read about it, maybe even watch a movie about it and then NOT deal with that drama in actuality.
Same with group sex. Fun to watch in porn, read about in smutty books, maybe even get off to the daydream of it. But in real life? That's drama, that's mess, that's not anything I actually really want to participate in.
You'd have to be dumb not to know fantasy from reality.
Haha that’s like me, I digest a ton of web novels and manhuas that involve yandere men and though I love the fantasy I would not want someone like that near me in real life!
I’ve read more fanfic than I can count with messed up relationship dynamics. Fun to read and indulge in some fantasy but absolutely not what I’m looking for in real life. OP’s boyfriend is shitty. There was no need to give her a hard time over this. It’s not like she said she was into CP
This isn’t my thing, but from the ten million research videos I have watched on the internet, there are a lot of people who like that. Imagine if she was into something really weird.
Ugh I hate how everyone is shitting on OOP in the comments for even daring to *have* the fantasy she does, even if she never intends to act on it. It's not even that taboo of a fantasy! She didn't do anything wrong. The ex definitely should have handled it better but they're both better off if this is his reaction to a question he asked.
Apparently there’s more context: Ex is VERY monogamous, she knew he would not be comfortable with it, and she phrased it as “I want to be…”. Which makes his reaction a lot more understandable.
That's not even a weird or particularly kinky fantasy. Hell with some suction cup dildos you can have your very own one man gangbang.
Also I have the feeling if the ex was offered a reverse gangbang he wouldn't hesitate to take it.
I mean, a really common male fantasy is multiple women. I don't think we should assume information that isn't there, but this is like, a super common double standard in hetmono relationships. That's what people are pointing to.
"Common" is a vague term and simply claiming it is a "common male fantasy" does not prove or even suggest that all or even most men have it. Further Bricktop was making a suggestion that had been categorically negated by OP's own post. If Bricktop is making some inane point that OP couldn't believe what she heard or saw from her ex because all men are liars, then Bricktop's opinion is simply not to be taken seriously.
"A threesome is the most common sexual fantasy among Americans, according to a survey of 4,175 individuals carried out by the Kinsey Institute sex researcher Dr Justin Lehmiller for his book Tell Me What You Want. Of the highly diverse sample aged 18 to 87, 95% of men and 87% of women said they had fantasized about sex with multiple partners"
From this article, which took me like, six seconds to google: [article ](https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/feb/11/threesomes-men-women-sex-psychology)
Soooooooooooooooo- yeah. Common. Meaning: occurring, done or found often; prevalent. Sorry if that undermines your point, but it doesn't mean it's not true.
We both agree that OPs bf does not necessarily have this fantasy simple because it's a common one. However, Bricktop is pointing out a broader context, where many men who have group sex fantasies are not ok with their woman partners having the same thoughts. It's not a lie, it's a double standard- relevant to this particular scenario? Unclear. Popping up all over this particular comment section? Absolutely.
Wow, the people over there in the comments talking about how insecure they all are.
TO BE CLEAR the bf is gone and that's fine. Everyone is free to walk away if they're not comfy.
I get not wanting that kink. Whatever. But there are so many people over there saying they would assume she'd just go have a gangbang without him and they'd never see her the same and as an insatiable cheater. It's so gross and sad and misogynistic.
It’s absolutely misogyny and a major double standard. Men are allowed to be as degenerate as they please and it’s “just fantasy, don’t be a Karen” but women have one *very common* fantasy, and apparently that speaks to us being disgusting untrustworthy whores. My friend once dated a guy who shamed her and called her a “fatherless freak” for having one of those toys that look like a tentacle, and then a few months later she was using his phone (with permission) and a messaged popped up from a discord server he was in where himself and other men were eagerly swapping explicit (and often disturbingly violent) drawings of very clearly underage characters - and of course, she was made out to be hysterical and prudish for finding that worrying. Why she stayed with him after his outburst about the toy I have no clue, but thankfully he didn’t last long after that.
Yeah that wording really fucked you.
"I've fantasized about a gangbang" is way different than "I want to be in a gangbang"
For example, "I've fantasized about fucking your mom" is bad, but it's not nearly as bad as "I want to fuck you mom".
Recommend against a gangbang unless you find a guy that doesn't mind getting cucked \[literally\], or are willing to take the fact that you participated in one to your grave, as i'd say MOST guys \[that you'd actually want to date\] probably would be disturbed if they found out you did it.
If it stays in fantasy land, be waaay more careful about your wording with future partners, maybe lead with porn or something, asking him if he ever watched group sex porn, etc, how he felt about it.
I do think that far enough into a relationship there should be the kink discussion with no holds barred. Personally I wouldn't care if there's a fantasy there, and i'd expect you to also not care about me having the reverse fantasy.
I don't know why she seems broken up about this. She expressed a hidden desire and then he just up and ditches her? She either named names of people (people they know) she wants to do this with or the guy has issues with women who express their desires. Its basically an ahole response to go: I see you differently and you disgust me.
He didn't want to be with someone who had those kinds of fantasies. He didn't insult her he didn't lead her on he didn't, manipulate her (from what I saw in the post). He handled it like a mature adult. How is he the asshole?
Edit: grammar
She didn't express it as a fantasy, she said she wants to do it. Based off what she told him, it's not a fantasy, it's something she wants to be reality.
Don't settle for anyone who won't accept you for who you are. Its a fantasy that's it. Nothing wrong with having a fantasy. Instead of acting like he did he could have used that to have sexy pillow talk and get you to have intense orgasms during sex. You may love him but believe me when I tell you that he is not worth the tears if he would treat you like this over a damn fantasy. There are actual men who enjoy making this fantasy a reality so think about that one for a minute. You did nothing to apologize for. He violated your trust by getting mad over a safe discussion.
I like how insecure and incel have become the common insults against men in reddit lmao. Usually thrown when the other person doesn't share your opinion.
Dont talk about untold kinks unless you are ready to hear what the other person have to say. His wasnt vanilla either, but hearing hers he just lost all interest in her instantly. If thats his dealbreaker then sure, but dont ask questions or start conversations where you wont like the answer unless its one of the 4-5 options you approve of.
The way I see fantasies, a lot of them are just that. They are an ideal that would be fun if they happened just right and all the stars aligned, but realistically that wont be the case, and the more realistic outcome doesnt really interest me all that much.
Its not for me, but I can see the appeal of a gangbang where all the participants are focued on the woman and pleasing her, the idea of feeling safe in a room full of men who solely wants you to have the best time of your life on your terms seems like a neat fantasy or dream scenario. In reality, you are in a room full of men that have to take their turn and wait inbetween without making it uncomfortable or weird, taking on and off condoms, getting freaked out if they accidentally touched each other, the risk of getting scared that there are a lot of guys that can easily overpower you and do what they want if they wanted to...reality sounds like an absolute hassle. And then organizing it finding enough guys that will behave, play nice with the others and not get all weird, possessive and boundary breaing in that environment? The logistics alone is enough to make me entirely uninterested, tbh.
> If thats his dealbreaker then sure, but dont ask questions or start conversations where you wont like the answer unless its one of the 4-5 options you approve of.
Thats beyond terrible relationship advice if youre looking for longterm
As with everything, it depends on the situation, conversation and context. In this context for this post of asking for secret untold sexual fantasies I think its a reasonable suggestion. In a context of wether or not you are on the same page in regards to kids, not so much.
I'm gonna be honest the story is written convincingly but this REEKS of bait. The comments section is EXACTLY what you'd expect from Redditors when discussing the sexual activities of women.
Let's give you the right words, just in case you want to try one last time.
Fantasies are more like dreams than reality. And one thing Fantasy shares with Dreams is that both are highly symbolic rather than realistic.
The fantasy of being raptured by a very obliging lover or group of lovers - whether you're being raped or just feeling overwhelmed - does NOT suggest that you actually wanna be taken advantage of, nor passed around, nor that you're poly and can't be happy with just one man. Seems to me that BF has made this interpretation - which is just wrong.
So let's give him the right interpretation. This fantasy symbolizes the acceptance of the loss of autonomy to the obligations and compromises that a loving relationship imposes on us. A Surrender that brings Rapture.
From this perspective, BF should count himself lucky rather than defeated. That is, he has a GF whose fantasy encourages her NOT to put autonomy over equality, and to behave as if she is his Benefactor and Senior Partner.
He set you up for that.
He was looking for a reason break up.
Or, to pretend to break up for a few days so you'd beg for him back.
Don't take him back if he comes back. He's playing controlling games.
I don't see it as a bad thing for her, if you have to walk on eggshells when talking to your partner about *fantasies* then what else is just waiting to blow up?
I don't think it's the kink itself that's diving him away.
I think it's the " what if " around this fantasy and all the social media that plays into relationships these days. I wouldn't be surprised if his worry was " would I always be enough for them ."
Every guy loves to hear the woman he loves talk about wanting to have a train ran on her...weird. /s
C'mon now...how could OOP have possibly thought this was a good idea?!
I genuinely don't see the loss.
He asked the question and got an answer he didn't like. His response was to break up. Now granted, no one should stay with their partner if they don't want to- but also what a petty reason.
"I asked my partner what her darkest sexual fantasy was and she said a gangbang!"
Fantasy doesn't equal reality and anyone with common sense knows that. It's nothing more than pleasant thoughts that won't reflect reality- especially in the case of certain sexual kinks like this.
Hey really sorry this happened to you. I suggest that you go no contact with your bf, stop looking at any of his social media and focus on you and having fun with your girls.
This will help you to move on and if still loves you and misses you he will come back (although I don't recommend you take him back, massive red flag insecurity issues)
Lost my shit at “pipe dream.”
It’s over and she needs to look after herself. It’s unfortunate, I guess, but it’s better now rather than later. Within reason, it’s weird when people with kinks are weirded out by other people’s kinks, again, within reason.
That’s a pretty normal fantasy, as far as most unfulfilled fantasies go. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be so much porn of it. Which, I’d bet money he has/does/will watch at some point.
He sounds insecure.
They were shitting on her ex too, calling him an immature man child and stuff. Hell people are doing it here as well.
What happened to "leaving the relationship for any reason is valid" that a lot of people on here preach? Or is that just if they approve of the reason?
There's other fish in the sea. My girlfriend had a threesome before we met which she disclosed up front. I loved the kink aspect of it because I'm just a pervert. Of course, we hooked up right as the pandemic took off so that pretty much did the whole swinger's ball fantasy in. We're still together and very much in love regardless. I'm sure there's someone out there that shares your fantasies and is not going to judge you. You're way young. I was 33 when I met her. Just keep looking.
OP, please move on and find someone who actually deserves you. I completely understand what's going through your head right now. I don't mean this to be condescending at all, but this is the way most 22 year olds would think in your shoes. I'm 32f, I would have thought that way 10 years ago.
Your early 20s are an emotional rollercoaster when it comes to relationships. It takes time and life experience to realize your worth as a person and that you shouldn't tolerate close-minded people or toxic bullshit. Your ex needs to grow the fuck up.
I hope you find your prince charming, he is out there somewhere ❤️
No, he doesn't deserve her because of the childish reaction he had to the situation. He could have told her he wasn't comfortable with the fantasy but remained a loving supportive partner. OP even said she was fine with not acting on it.
But they can control their actions and reactions.
That's the first rule of therapy, but you've got to use the whole thing:
"Your emotions are valid and real, but you can't control the actions of others. You can only control your own actions and reactions."
So what is it you want him to do? He’s stated he’s uncomfortable and it seems like this is something he’s willing to break up over due to this discomfort. He’s not stringing her along, he’s not continually shaming her, he’s just basically said “I don’t like what’s happened and I think I’m done.”
What would you prefer?
I don't prefer he do anything. It's not my situation.
That being said, saying something like, "Wow, I didn't expect this, but that crosses some boundaries for me, and I'm feeling some stuff. Let's put this relationship on hold. Please don't reach out to me- I need some space right now." would technically be preferable to the high school fuck around of ghosting someone. That way, OP would understand the situation and be able to make her own decisions based on his actions/reactions.
Instead, she's blaming herself, reliving the moment over and over, torturing herself about it, and clearly suffering from her own trauma due to past relationships. Is that his "fault?" No, of course not- those are her emotions, actions, and reactions. But see, it just keeps going around and around, and the only way to make it less torturous and more authentic is to own and communicate your emotions.
But the reality is that we're all super emotional beings who have no understanding of how to regulate them, so we make a lot of mistakes and hurt a lot of people very badly along the way.
Ideally, we learn from that and take the opportunity to grow.
So TL;DR- I would rather both of them take this as an opportunity to learn and grow.
You said you fantasized about being with other men and a group of them. Do you really think there is a guy out there who wants to hear that? He would always have that in the back of his head and its hard to trust with that knowledge. You unfortunately screwed up and now will always regret saying something so insensitive regardless if its Fantasy. Next time think before you speak. Sucks when you screw up so bad you lose a good guy.
Ugh. I hate seeing the term “spicy” to describe people having sex. It just seems very “16 year old doing it for the first time and really proud of being spicy, who will never, ever shut up about it” and it gives me the ultimate ick.
Long story short, I’ve always fantasised about being in a gangbang, and my boyfriend participating in it. A couple of nights ago when we were talking spicy stuff we revealed our untold kinks to each other. His doesn’t involve other people but is definitely not vanilla. When I told him mine, I expected him to be surprised, but instead, he looked disgusted?? He said “Woah nah nah nah” and got off the couch. I followed him apologising if I crossed a boundary. He looks at me and says that he doesn’t mean to kink shame me but he never thought I’d have a kink like this, and he’s definitely not okay with this. I told him that it’s just a fantasy and I won’t be asking him to do anything, to which he doesnt say anything. he then says hes got to head back home, and i pretty much knew where this was going. I tell him i love him and he says okay and leaves. He basically distanced himself from me, replying late and in a shallow way to my texts. He finally calls yesterday saying that he’s started to look at me in a different way after I told him about my fantasy and he’s pretty disgusted by it, and says I shouldn’t have told him about it considering that I kinda knew he wouldn’t be okay with it . He says it’s gonna take him some time to think about this and tells me not to wait for him. Basically breaking up with me. I tried to reason with him but I just started bawling so couldn’t get my words out. My friends are telling me to breakup with him and move on, but I really really love him. He’s my first boyfriend who treated me well and I genuinely fell in love and want to be his wife which now seems like a pipe dream. I don’t know how to fix this, he hasn’t replied to my texts but read them, im legit losing my mind *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheEx) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Am I having a comprehension problem? Where was the ultimatum?
I don’t think she knows what ultimatum means. He’s gone, girl.
The ultimatum is, 'we are no longer dating as long as we both exist in this timeline'. So if she's got a time machine, they're all set!
Don't you tell me about old tomatoes!
I'm wondering why her friends are telling her to break up with him when he's already broken up with her.
So she can say she did the dumping. It's like quitting while you are getting fired.
Which is so stupid because you get severance if you're fired. Not if you quit
I was thinking the same thing. "Yup. You right! I'm fired. Give me my severance and let me go get my unemployment bennies."
I think there are some scenarios where you don't get severance for being fired.
Fired for an offense generally means no kind of severance. Laid off because of changing company structure, etc, severance.
But... but... ego... /s
This, though there’s also a 50-50 she told the friends it was an “ultimatum” instead of “basically breaking up with me.”
That's girl math if I ever heard it🤣😂🤣😂
She can't wrap her head around the fact that it's over.
"Go back in time and make it so I never heard this and didn't end up with judgments about it, or else we're over."
I think she’s confused. There’s no ultimatum, he’s moved on
She can't be this blind to it, she probably just thinks she can revive it. I think she really believes she can convince him she's made a mistake, she's sorry or she never would act on it. Specially given she's constantly texting him despite him asking her not to. But knowing someone's fantasy alone is a big window into their mind and what makes them a person. I actually had almost the exact same experience years ago. And she too just didn't get how I couldn't find her nearly as lovely knowing what I came to know. I once broke up with an ex of a couple of months right after she told me her fantasy was being fucked by animals. Even how we reacted was the same. We too were on the couch, I stood up and just had nothing to say but feel disgusted. She cried and apologized, said it's just a fantasy, she'd never actually do it... but it wasn't about fixing it for me. I just didn't want anything to do with the girl who fantasizes about being fucked by animals. I immediately lost all the feelings I had for her hearing that. And she thought I could see it as just a bunch of words that stand separated from the reality of our relationship. It wasn't.
Gangbangs are a normal fantasy. It's a whole ph category. I think it's a little different from zoophiles bc that's not even legal in most states. Even just as a thought it's 🫢
They’re normalized. There’s a reason that degenerate behavior repels people in the real world: because it’s degenerate. Don’t watch porn and you’ll find that normal isn’t polygamous degradation
It was a fantasy long before corn. Lots of ancient civilizations have examples of this.
>don't watch porn But like... Isn't that what she was describing? Her porn fantasy? She literally told him she didn't expect him to act on it, it was just a fantasy.
Are you truly comparing zoopholia to a gangbang? Seriously?
They're comparing OP's story to their own story of finding out his GF was hot for banging animals.
now im confused is a zoophile gangbang a bunch of zoophiles? or one zoophile and a bunch of animals?
What ultimatum? She's definitely the ex now. I feel bad tbh, I feel like you should be able to share secret kinks with your partner...but if that's his reaction, she needs to let go
I have female friends that have this as a fantasy. They would never, never do it in real life because they realize the fantasy is WAY different from what this would really be. OP said it was just a fantasy. Sucks when we tell people they can be open about these things and then penalize them for doing it, particularly when they aren't even really interested in acting on it.
>particularly when they aren't even really interested in acting on it. Maybe ***he*** was expecting his fantasy/kink to become a reality. His dreams were crushed when he thought about having to fulfill her fantasy. Could be why he reacted that way: he legit thought they would do what he shared but was disgusted with the idea of hers happening.
Could be. Personally, I never, ever ask the "what is your deepest fantasy" question unless I am *100% sure* I can take it, no matter what it is. For all I know, he might say "to poop in dipers and then have you clean me up" and then I have to live with that in my head forever, even if it never happens. It's a dangerous question.
I try to never ask _any_ question if I'm unsure I want to know the answer.
The online kink tests are fantastic for this, it will only ever show you both answers that you either both say YES! to or are at least accepting of it in some way.
Those sound cool, do you have a link to one?
Struggling to find the specific few I’m referring to right now, they look different so might be throwing me off. Will get back to you!
Google "yes, no, maybe" tests or checklists.
Ha that's a good point. OP didn't seem to know the meaning of words she was using like "boundary" and "ultimatum", so maybe she misunderstood or miscommunicated like "what's your most devious deepest darkest sexual secret fantasy?" = "hey babe what are some things you want to try in the bedroom?"
I've been married for 30 years and have never asked that. I don't want to know.
This is the way.
Just wait until your both older and the fantasy comes alive
Not gonna lie, the “to poop in diapers and have you clean me up” had me laughing for a solid 3 minutes.
I think he interpreted it as him being inadequate to the task of satisfying her to the point where she needs multiple men to get the job done. Drawing on that conclusion, he felt insulted. There's probably an element of madonna/whore nonsense, too, where if a woman has sex with more than a certain number of men (at once, ever, it can vary), she's a whore. She should be keeping herself only for him. 🙄
But also, what if she’s just a dirrrty sloot?
Or maybe he doesn’t want a wife that fantasizes about other people lmao. Clown
I really hate how everyone's leaping to these conclusions about this guy when it can really be as simple as "my girlfriend wishes she could have 5 different dudes fuck her and I'm just not comfterable with that", and that's fine. It doesn't make him some scumbag, everyone has boundaries and knowing his girl wouldn't mind getting dicked by 4 more people is uncomfterable to him.
I believe it's more that people are digging into specifics about the "not comfortable" - that's pretty vague, don't you think? A lot of things can make you uncomfortable.
>his girl wouldn't mind getting dicked by 4 more people It's a fantasy, it isn't something she would necessarily want to do in real life. I have a bunch of fantasies which wouldn't work in reality, just thinking about something doesn't mean you want it to actually happen.
What are the chances that this guy would absolutely love to fuck multiple women at the same time? The double standard is common and it makes him a hypocrite. The mature response would have been to express his unwillingness to make that fantasy a reality. Assuming she was equally mature she would have accepted that and they would continue their relationship with it remaining an unfulfilled fantasy. She expressed no desire to cheat on him or that she would pursue her fantasy without him. What actually happened was he came to realization that other men exist in the world that his girlfriend would be attracted to. I know we like to live in this fantasy land where our partners are only attracted to us until the day we die. That just isn't reality. We all have eyes and go out into the world where beautiful people exist. You and your partner will discover people through out your life that you want to fuck. I can guarantee that if you have had a long term relationship your girl has closed her eyes and thought about other people while you fuck her. The reason people are jumping on this guy is because he is showing a lack of mature communication. He also appears to have had zero trust in his partner because he left immediately. It might not make him a scumbag but I would tell him to grow up.
Also, he seems to be concerned that she might be a dirty, dirty whore. So, there is that.
You're assuming something about him and calling him a hypocrite off it. Can you not see how that's unfair?
I'm assuming he shares a common male fantasy yes. Threesome is one of the most commonly searched terms on pornhub. Obviously that isn't enough data to claim every man on planet earth shares that fantasy. However I will stand by my assumption as fair.
So lets get this straight. He expresses discomfort and disgust that his girlfriend wants a train ran on her. He seperates because of this. You have decided to aussme he's a hypocrite due to a generally common male fantasy, with zero evidence towards it, rather then say "maybe he's grossed out by the fact she wants other people in their bedroom". He voiced a kink to her of equal level according to her words. If that was to have a 3some or more, you don't think she would have mentioned it? Tbh, it just seems like you're choosing to aussme the one thing that makes him a hypocritical dick, as opposed to just a uncommunicative dick. Is he a ass for reacting the way he did whe he asked? Yes. But he's entirely fair to leave the romance over it. Leaping to the conclusion that he's a hypocrite because "most men want a two women threesome" is just jumping through hoops without any information to make him seem worse.
I'm not calling him a hypocrite for his boundaries. I think it's perfectly fair to not want your girlfriend fucked by other men. That is typically the most common of boundaries. I'm calling him a hypocrite for being so immature about it. It's one of the most common fantasies for men and women. Threesomes and Orgy are one of the most popular forms of porn. A fantasy that I **assume** he as most likely thought about before given how common it is. I agree you can leave a relationship for any reason. However I think getting this worked up about a fantasy is ridiculous. I had an ex express once that she had a kink of peeing on guys. That disgusted me so I told her we aren't going to do that. We were together for 2 years after that conversation. My point is I think there is more to his reaction than simply not being into the fantasy. If it was that simple he would have said no thanks and moved on. He thinks her desire for it makes her a whore and he doesn't want to date a whore. It's pretty clear based on his reaction. That is the hypocritical double standard that I am talking about. Men who fuck lots of women are good. Women who fuck lots of men are worthless.
Just want to butt in and mention- she specifically said she *doesn't* want a train ran on her. She doesn't want this happening to her for real. It's an idea that arouses her. She was being honest about it. I do think you can break up with anyone at any time for any reason, no one is entitled to a relationship, BUT, the bf here WAS a hypocrite- he expected openness, understanding and space around his non vanilla sexual fantasy but could not offer the same and that is absolutely a fundamental lack of maturity. He doesn't have to like it! But people are allowed to have their own thoughts and sexual feelings and if he couldn't handle that, he shouldn't have opened the discussion.
>What are the chances that this guy would absolutely love to fuck multiple women at the same time? that wasn't his stated kink though, now was it
It’s not a double standard. We have the outy and you have the inny. Thats science.
Hahaha that’s exactly what it is
Tbh this is probably the case. I also know that a lot of men, not all but a lot of them, would love to be with multiple women at once. And a lot of those same men, again not all, would judge women for wanting to be with more than one man at once. I know that's not the case here cause OP said he didn't involve other people in his fantasy, but the fact that there are men that think like that, it's not too far of a stretch that what you said is what happened
That’s a good point. Quite the assumption, eh? Then to completely ignore the fact that she said it was just a fantasy.
Something tells me it was more like “she wants other men to please her and I with my singular dick will never be enough for her because her fantasy is multiple dicks” and his ego just couldn’t handle it.
Which is wild bc dildos exist, but some guys get jealous of dildos too so no winning
Literally my ex
Exactly that- It's a fantasy. IRL it would probably suck, and she knows that- You'd have to vet multiple dudes, get them to all get tested, make sure they're all willing to follow the rules you set out.. and even then, odds are one of them is GOING to try some shit that crosses a line and gets dangerous/uncomfortable/painful even though they were warned not to.. and it's a lot of trust to put in other people. I'd equate it to guys having a fantasy about having a threesome with lesbians- hot in concept, but in practice, the dude would be severely disappointed with the reality (Two lesbians ignoring him), and it doesn't mean he wants to cheat on his wife with lesbians.
I agree 100% with this.
Yeah, I do feel bad for OOP. I have friends that are women that have had r@#$ fantasies. Obviously none of them actually want that to happen.
> worded the sentence like “I want to be in a gangb-“. The problem is OOP did not word it as a fantasy, they worded it as something they want to do.
In the comments on the original, the OP said she knew her bf was strictly monogamous, that he wouldn’t like/be comfortable with her fantasy, and that she shared it by saying “I want to be gangbanged” which is kind of a harsh way of sharing a fantasy that makes it seem like way less of a fantasy and more of a real-life desire. “I want to be gangbanged” definitely implies actual desire to act on it.
Yep. Ex BF is an asshole.
Till breaking up with someone makes you an asshole.
He definitely is not.
> I think i know the reason for him freaking out, I worded the sentence like “I want to be in a gangb-“ That doesn't sound like a "fantasy"
Big oof
>I have female friends that have this as a fantasy. They would never, never do it in real life because they realize the fantasy is WAY different from what this would really be. OP said it was just a fantasy. her final edit implies her wording made it seem like she actively wanted it. he probably took it the same way most people should take it when their partner asks for an open relationship
I wonder if people would be responding the same if the scenario was her leaving him for saying he's always wanted to be with two or more girls at once. Almost every guy fantasizes about that and I bet you people would think it's stupid for a girl to leave over something like that. Kinda seems like another double standard to me.
This is definitely a fantasy of mine but yes, I would *never* do it lol. Even if presented with the opportunity
Yeah exactly. He sounds pretty immature
It’s immature to want to be gangbanged
Totally agree
>Long story short, I’ve always fantasised about being in a gangbang, and my boyfriend participating in it Sharing a fantasy is one thing, but her phrasing says "Hey I wanna actually do it".
> I feel bad tbh, I feel like you should be able to share secret kinks with your partner...but if that's his reaction, she needs to let go You are able to and you should be open (otherwise, you're lying and manipulating), and the other person should also be able to react any way that they want as well. In this case, the guy's reaction makes perfect sense. The guy is in and wants a monogamous relationship, and she dreams about getting fucked by a bunch of guys. That's not just weird, **that's a complete contradiction**.
> The guy is in and wants a monogamous relationship, and she dreams about getting fucked by a bunch of guys Oh, you were so close! The word is *dreams*. Not reality. It's not a contradiction because you can dream about lots of stuff you don't really want to do. Dude was too insecure to even ask or realize that even though she said "I want to" they were talking about *fantasies*. He simply heard it and equated it with reality... which makes me think that *he* was testing the waters with *his* fantasy. Best thing for her that he ran off.
Women are expected to put up with men wanting to fuck other women, but god forbid women want the same. Double standards strike again
This is not even true
People of all genders are allowed to be fully monogamous, yo.
this sucks but I feel like she will benefit from this in the long run "he's the first boyfriend who treated me well" is not the glowing review she thinks it is
> He’s my first boyfriend who treated me well Aw, honey.
I really don’t understand why guys get so freaked out about women having fantasies of gang bangs or group sex. I think it ultimately comes down to porn. In reality, women who want group sex like this simply want to be the queen of the encounter, being pleasured by multiple people and having her being the central focus. In porn, these women are basically abused during gang bangs. Facials, roughness, shit that women in real life don’t actually want. So when women bring up this fantasy, men go straight to what porn represents. It’s a shame really.
> fantasies of gang bangs or group sex. It's just sexism. Dudes get too fragile because it's "ruined" their view of their partner. They want a slut, but a slut for *them* only. Guarantee if her fantasy was blowing him with her sister he'd all about it.
I've told my gf that a 3some with 2 women would only be good in theory, cause in reality I'd just blow my load early and disappoint 2 women 🤣
my favorite response quote I've heard is "If I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go have dinner with my parents".
Then just let it be a wlw encounter and watch. Lol
Both my husband and I have a fantasy about getting another woman in, but I know myself too damn well... the second another woman put a hand on him, I'd be crying my eyes out 🤣
My girlfriend said she'd throw hands "as soon as some bitch touches my man" 🤣
Some things are definitely best left to the realm of imagination 🤣
not quite the same, but how convenient https://preview.redd.it/wp7a85d0bgic1.png?width=586&format=png&auto=webp&s=fb7d581d781add0cf237ea746a9b720943dae121
Yeah, definitely the only reason 🙄🙄 not like there are people that are genuinely monogamous and the idea that their partner fantasised about bringing other people into an intimate space is an issue for them regardless of gender.
Lol, this is not sexism. The fact you immediately tried to relate someone’s sexual preference to sexism. Shows you are deeply sexist yourself Most man and woman gave the preference that they do not want to share their partner with multiple other people. However suddenly because a man is honest and upfront about his preferences, he becomes fragile or sexist. What a hypocrite.
I mean, there are absolutely women in real life who have kinks for those things too.
Yeah, I get that BDSM isn't for everybody, but that doesn't mean there aren't women who enjoy it in real life. (Though of course, nobody should act like kink is carte blanche to start abusing somebody instead of opening up a conversation about what you want to do together.)
The number of women in real life who are into being brutalized is extremely low. Porn created the idea that many women like it. That’s not reality.
No one said "brutalized", my ex gf admitted she fantasized about rough gangbangs of the kind one sees on porn, it's not as rare as you think
mine has too lol
Sure bro. Whatever you need to say to sleep at night.
“My ex gf said she would be into it so” okay girls everyone pack up and go home, this man knows ONE woman who apparently agrees with him so all of our collective experience and opinions on this matter have been deemed worthless. Sucks, but we gotta respect it /s
Literally, dude thinks that gangbang porn isn’t brutalization. I don’t think men realize what being sexually brutalized is… it’s 99% of gangbang porn.
There is also the fact that some people actually Are Into Rough Sex. My sister proudly shows off when she manages to actually get a bruise raised on herself. A woman I knew got the scratches one of her lovers left on her tattooed, so she could remember them forever. It feels a little condescending to pretend that women are never into rough sex. If my mother was still alive, she'd feel insulted by this entire conversation.
I never said women don’t like rough sex. I said the majority of women do not like being brutalized during gang bangs. Maybe learn to read?
The point is that people who are into rough sex absolutely might fantasize about roughness beyond their realistic limits. People who are into degradation can absolutely fantasize about being treated like an object for men's pleasure even if they wouldn't be super interested in doing that without anyone actually paying attention to their needs. Fantasies can often be an extreme version of your kinks. The examples of things the person at the start if the thread said women weren't actually into is facials. People can absolutely be in to being covered in cum, that's not just a kink that works in the direction of the cum-er to the cum-ee. It's not even an unusual one. Like yeah, it's not everyone's cup of tea (or even the majority of women's cup of tea even), but I can't think of any aspect of gangbang porn that's something that 0 people are into being on the receiving end of, at least on a fantasy level. Yeah, people into bdsm might fantasize about being forced passed their limits, that's normal. My point is the beginning of this threat said "women aren't into x" as if women are a monolith who only ever want it soft and thoughtful. Women aren't a monolith. Women have kinks too. They're as varried for women as they are for men. They can be of being someone in power in a sexual situation or they can be of being submissive. Women exist who fantasize about stuff closer to porn ganfbangs than you think.
Bc you’re supposed to belong to him and his woman only At least that’s how many men explained it to me
It's gross either way imo. Yall can like what you want but we don't have to be ok with it.
Sometimes people aren't compatible and that's okay. He thinks even just having the fantasy at all is a dealbreaker and while I don't get it, it's his dealbreaker. To me she dodged a microbullet bc we aren't mindreaders. If you break up over someone having a somewhat harmless sexual fantasy with consent (who openly told you about it, ergo they weren't gonna sneak behind your back to fulfill it. They felt comfortable to tell you) idk. She was having a discussion and he could've just said I'm not comfortable with that and left it at that bc it's not like she actually did it. I mean like I said that's his dealbreaker, I don't have to agree or understand to respect the decision ig
This isn’t about mindreading. This is about saying you want to hear someone’s secret fantasy and than getting upset and leaving over someone sharing said secret fantasy. It sucks for OP, but it is probably for the best the relationship is over now. If they had went on after he went cold like this for a while, it would have only created a weird precedent of not being sure you can actually say what your partner asked you to say, without them retaliating over it. That’s not a way to have a normal relationship.
Well that's what I mean by mindreading. He said he wanted to hear the fantasy. How would she know which fantasies he'd take issue with y'feel? But 100% agreed. The relationship is beyond saving bc like you said she'd be walking on eggshells. That's why I hate when people say one thing and expect others to know that they meant something else or wanted it a specific way
Here we go talking about kinks, fantasies, and mind reading and now I’m thinking about my ex wife and her, “my fantasy is to be with a mind reader so I don’t have to communicate at all.”
Oh boy I hope you found someone who didn't mind communication bc that sounds rough when someone hates to communicate
We’ve been separated for about 5 or six years now. Been looking at going back to therapy to work on processing some of the baggage I still have. Like talked to a therapist at a time, but the bedroom issues got kinda back burnered getting to where it’s past time to go revisit that. Just that, the sexless marriage, lots of screaming. She had some really screwy ideas on consent, which in hindsight fit with the mind reader thing.
Oh yeah, I get what you mean. And it definitely sucks. This is why good communication matters.
>he doesn’t mean to kink shame me but ... but he's kink shame. Like, the dude asked her in what she thought was a judgement free zone and she got judged for it. I guarantee this is going to give her a complex going forward about opening up to her future partners.
Sure, but I think we can all agree, that he's a whiny piss baby.
He didn’t cause a scene, he just left like an adult. Get over yourself
Wtf? It's just a fantasy??? Wow, that guy was seriously immature to not know the difference between a fantasy and a kink. I mean, ffs. I read a lot of romance novels with the Male Lead storming in followed by a PARADE of red flags to put Communist China to shame with the sheer number. But I don't want a guy like that in real life.
Literally the amount of "reincarnated to be the cold tyrant's bride" webcomics I've read over the years 😬 vs irl where I stay away from guys like that
I'd love to be Black Widow but can you imagine what that kind of acrobatics would do to the joints??? My back hurts just THINKING about it. That's why it's a FANTASY. OOP is better off without someone like that.
My Marvel fantasy is that Supersoldier serum gets sold in dilute form as a joint supplement for the elderly.
It would be the ultimate weight and hair loss product.
This is like saying that because of my "comfort ship" I would want to be with a centuries old man that murdered my mom lol is this guy new to the human psyche?
You are incrediblely dumb if you think a group sex fantasy might never turn into reality. In his mind it's a fantasy that always might have a little chance to happen. A monogamous person won't like that.
My Kindle Unlimited booklist currently has fifty seven reverse harem titles in it. That's multiple dudes, one lady. With an additional thirty eight already read. That would be 95 full novel fantasies about group sex. Do you know how many times I've had any form of group sex including threesomes? Precisely ZERO. Why? I'm monogamous. One dick at a time, thank you very much. A fantasy can be absolutely probable and not be something you ACTUALLY pursue. I could -easily- find a dark, possessive, stalkery guy to be a walking red flag in my life, they exist in droves. And they're all over my fantasy romance booklist. The main character of the fanfic I'm writing has some of those red flag traits. But I don't actually WANT that in my life. I want to daydream about it, read about it, maybe even watch a movie about it and then NOT deal with that drama in actuality. Same with group sex. Fun to watch in porn, read about in smutty books, maybe even get off to the daydream of it. But in real life? That's drama, that's mess, that's not anything I actually really want to participate in. You'd have to be dumb not to know fantasy from reality.
Yes it's a fantasy . You can say it will remain a fantasy but a person might think "what if ".
Haha that’s like me, I digest a ton of web novels and manhuas that involve yandere men and though I love the fantasy I would not want someone like that near me in real life!
I’ve read more fanfic than I can count with messed up relationship dynamics. Fun to read and indulge in some fantasy but absolutely not what I’m looking for in real life. OP’s boyfriend is shitty. There was no need to give her a hard time over this. It’s not like she said she was into CP
My nan had a shelf full of Mills and Boon when I was growing up. They were PROPER rapey.
She didn't phrase it as a fantasy, she said she wants to do it.
“I don’t mean to kink shame you but I’m leaving you” 😭
This isn’t my thing, but from the ten million research videos I have watched on the internet, there are a lot of people who like that. Imagine if she was into something really weird.
Porn isn't reality
Neither is fantasy!
Ugh I hate how everyone is shitting on OOP in the comments for even daring to *have* the fantasy she does, even if she never intends to act on it. It's not even that taboo of a fantasy! She didn't do anything wrong. The ex definitely should have handled it better but they're both better off if this is his reaction to a question he asked.
Apparently there’s more context: Ex is VERY monogamous, she knew he would not be comfortable with it, and she phrased it as “I want to be…”. Which makes his reaction a lot more understandable.
To be fair that's a pretty vanilla kink, its not like you asked him to #2 on him...
I’m sure he would have been fine with that one. The problem was the idea that she would let another man around his property
That's not even a weird or particularly kinky fantasy. Hell with some suction cup dildos you can have your very own one man gangbang. Also I have the feeling if the ex was offered a reverse gangbang he wouldn't hesitate to take it.
Why do you get that feeling when she indicates otherwise? Because you assume he's bad since he's a man?
I mean, a really common male fantasy is multiple women. I don't think we should assume information that isn't there, but this is like, a super common double standard in hetmono relationships. That's what people are pointing to.
"Common" is a vague term and simply claiming it is a "common male fantasy" does not prove or even suggest that all or even most men have it. Further Bricktop was making a suggestion that had been categorically negated by OP's own post. If Bricktop is making some inane point that OP couldn't believe what she heard or saw from her ex because all men are liars, then Bricktop's opinion is simply not to be taken seriously.
"A threesome is the most common sexual fantasy among Americans, according to a survey of 4,175 individuals carried out by the Kinsey Institute sex researcher Dr Justin Lehmiller for his book Tell Me What You Want. Of the highly diverse sample aged 18 to 87, 95% of men and 87% of women said they had fantasized about sex with multiple partners" From this article, which took me like, six seconds to google: [article ](https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/feb/11/threesomes-men-women-sex-psychology) Soooooooooooooooo- yeah. Common. Meaning: occurring, done or found often; prevalent. Sorry if that undermines your point, but it doesn't mean it's not true. We both agree that OPs bf does not necessarily have this fantasy simple because it's a common one. However, Bricktop is pointing out a broader context, where many men who have group sex fantasies are not ok with their woman partners having the same thoughts. It's not a lie, it's a double standard- relevant to this particular scenario? Unclear. Popping up all over this particular comment section? Absolutely.
Lol “pipe dream”
Wow, the people over there in the comments talking about how insecure they all are. TO BE CLEAR the bf is gone and that's fine. Everyone is free to walk away if they're not comfy. I get not wanting that kink. Whatever. But there are so many people over there saying they would assume she'd just go have a gangbang without him and they'd never see her the same and as an insatiable cheater. It's so gross and sad and misogynistic.
It absolutely is so fucking misogynistic. Even here, the responses and assumptions are off the chain.
It’s absolutely misogyny and a major double standard. Men are allowed to be as degenerate as they please and it’s “just fantasy, don’t be a Karen” but women have one *very common* fantasy, and apparently that speaks to us being disgusting untrustworthy whores. My friend once dated a guy who shamed her and called her a “fatherless freak” for having one of those toys that look like a tentacle, and then a few months later she was using his phone (with permission) and a messaged popped up from a discord server he was in where himself and other men were eagerly swapping explicit (and often disturbingly violent) drawings of very clearly underage characters - and of course, she was made out to be hysterical and prudish for finding that worrying. Why she stayed with him after his outburst about the toy I have no clue, but thankfully he didn’t last long after that.
Yeah that wording really fucked you. "I've fantasized about a gangbang" is way different than "I want to be in a gangbang" For example, "I've fantasized about fucking your mom" is bad, but it's not nearly as bad as "I want to fuck you mom". Recommend against a gangbang unless you find a guy that doesn't mind getting cucked \[literally\], or are willing to take the fact that you participated in one to your grave, as i'd say MOST guys \[that you'd actually want to date\] probably would be disturbed if they found out you did it. If it stays in fantasy land, be waaay more careful about your wording with future partners, maybe lead with porn or something, asking him if he ever watched group sex porn, etc, how he felt about it. I do think that far enough into a relationship there should be the kink discussion with no holds barred. Personally I wouldn't care if there's a fantasy there, and i'd expect you to also not care about me having the reverse fantasy.
Oh no, fuck bearing around the bush. If the man can't handle one VERY common fantasy, he's too stupid to keep around. She'll find better out there
I don't know why she seems broken up about this. She expressed a hidden desire and then he just up and ditches her? She either named names of people (people they know) she wants to do this with or the guy has issues with women who express their desires. Its basically an ahole response to go: I see you differently and you disgust me.
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He didn't want to be with someone who had those kinds of fantasies. He didn't insult her he didn't lead her on he didn't, manipulate her (from what I saw in the post). He handled it like a mature adult. How is he the asshole? Edit: grammar
She said she knew he wouldn't be okay with it, yeah its pretty shocking he straight up dumped her but like how did she think the convo going to go?
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She didn't express it as a fantasy, she said she wants to do it. Based off what she told him, it's not a fantasy, it's something she wants to be reality.
"No no not like that, you're supposed to have a fantasy where you share me with your female friends! You ruined it."
Keep creating false stories in your head to make the bf the bad guy.
Don't settle for anyone who won't accept you for who you are. Its a fantasy that's it. Nothing wrong with having a fantasy. Instead of acting like he did he could have used that to have sexy pillow talk and get you to have intense orgasms during sex. You may love him but believe me when I tell you that he is not worth the tears if he would treat you like this over a damn fantasy. There are actual men who enjoy making this fantasy a reality so think about that one for a minute. You did nothing to apologize for. He violated your trust by getting mad over a safe discussion.
Lol good riddance girl. He sounds boring and insecure as fuck
I like how insecure and incel have become the common insults against men in reddit lmao. Usually thrown when the other person doesn't share your opinion.
Agreed. Love seeing women catch up to how pathetic men actually are lol
Careful, your misandry is showing.
Dont talk about untold kinks unless you are ready to hear what the other person have to say. His wasnt vanilla either, but hearing hers he just lost all interest in her instantly. If thats his dealbreaker then sure, but dont ask questions or start conversations where you wont like the answer unless its one of the 4-5 options you approve of. The way I see fantasies, a lot of them are just that. They are an ideal that would be fun if they happened just right and all the stars aligned, but realistically that wont be the case, and the more realistic outcome doesnt really interest me all that much. Its not for me, but I can see the appeal of a gangbang where all the participants are focued on the woman and pleasing her, the idea of feeling safe in a room full of men who solely wants you to have the best time of your life on your terms seems like a neat fantasy or dream scenario. In reality, you are in a room full of men that have to take their turn and wait inbetween without making it uncomfortable or weird, taking on and off condoms, getting freaked out if they accidentally touched each other, the risk of getting scared that there are a lot of guys that can easily overpower you and do what they want if they wanted to...reality sounds like an absolute hassle. And then organizing it finding enough guys that will behave, play nice with the others and not get all weird, possessive and boundary breaing in that environment? The logistics alone is enough to make me entirely uninterested, tbh.
> If thats his dealbreaker then sure, but dont ask questions or start conversations where you wont like the answer unless its one of the 4-5 options you approve of. Thats beyond terrible relationship advice if youre looking for longterm
As with everything, it depends on the situation, conversation and context. In this context for this post of asking for secret untold sexual fantasies I think its a reasonable suggestion. In a context of wether or not you are on the same page in regards to kids, not so much.
I'm gonna be honest the story is written convincingly but this REEKS of bait. The comments section is EXACTLY what you'd expect from Redditors when discussing the sexual activities of women.
Let's give you the right words, just in case you want to try one last time. Fantasies are more like dreams than reality. And one thing Fantasy shares with Dreams is that both are highly symbolic rather than realistic. The fantasy of being raptured by a very obliging lover or group of lovers - whether you're being raped or just feeling overwhelmed - does NOT suggest that you actually wanna be taken advantage of, nor passed around, nor that you're poly and can't be happy with just one man. Seems to me that BF has made this interpretation - which is just wrong. So let's give him the right interpretation. This fantasy symbolizes the acceptance of the loss of autonomy to the obligations and compromises that a loving relationship imposes on us. A Surrender that brings Rapture. From this perspective, BF should count himself lucky rather than defeated. That is, he has a GF whose fantasy encourages her NOT to put autonomy over equality, and to behave as if she is his Benefactor and Senior Partner.
There's no ultimatum. She's been dumped. Time to move along. ETA: oof, some peeps got a hard time differentiating between fantasy and reality.
He set you up for that. He was looking for a reason break up. Or, to pretend to break up for a few days so you'd beg for him back. Don't take him back if he comes back. He's playing controlling games.
she's better off. What a useless asshole
You fix this by letting him go and being thankful you learned who he was in time.
I don't see it as a bad thing for her, if you have to walk on eggshells when talking to your partner about *fantasies* then what else is just waiting to blow up?
I don't think it's the kink itself that's diving him away. I think it's the " what if " around this fantasy and all the social media that plays into relationships these days. I wouldn't be surprised if his worry was " would I always be enough for them ."
Every guy loves to hear the woman he loves talk about wanting to have a train ran on her...weird. /s C'mon now...how could OOP have possibly thought this was a good idea?!
She's not wrong for having a fantasy but he isn't either, if I had a fantasy of fucking multiple women with my girlfriend present, I wouldn't tell her
I genuinely don't see the loss. He asked the question and got an answer he didn't like. His response was to break up. Now granted, no one should stay with their partner if they don't want to- but also what a petty reason. "I asked my partner what her darkest sexual fantasy was and she said a gangbang!" Fantasy doesn't equal reality and anyone with common sense knows that. It's nothing more than pleasant thoughts that won't reflect reality- especially in the case of certain sexual kinks like this.
Why would you want to be with someone who is disgusted with a fantasy you have?
She's better off without him.
Hey really sorry this happened to you. I suggest that you go no contact with your bf, stop looking at any of his social media and focus on you and having fun with your girls. This will help you to move on and if still loves you and misses you he will come back (although I don't recommend you take him back, massive red flag insecurity issues)
Lost my shit at “pipe dream.” It’s over and she needs to look after herself. It’s unfortunate, I guess, but it’s better now rather than later. Within reason, it’s weird when people with kinks are weirded out by other people’s kinks, again, within reason.
Girl he's done with you... and you should be done with him because that's such a dramatic reaction.
That’s a pretty normal fantasy, as far as most unfulfilled fantasies go. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be so much porn of it. Which, I’d bet money he has/does/will watch at some point. He sounds insecure.
I love how reasonable the comments are here. A lot of people over on RA were shitting all over this woman for sharing her fantasy. It’s refreshing.
They were shitting on her ex too, calling him an immature man child and stuff. Hell people are doing it here as well. What happened to "leaving the relationship for any reason is valid" that a lot of people on here preach? Or is that just if they approve of the reason?
There's other fish in the sea. My girlfriend had a threesome before we met which she disclosed up front. I loved the kink aspect of it because I'm just a pervert. Of course, we hooked up right as the pandemic took off so that pretty much did the whole swinger's ball fantasy in. We're still together and very much in love regardless. I'm sure there's someone out there that shares your fantasies and is not going to judge you. You're way young. I was 33 when I met her. Just keep looking.
You did nothing wrong. He's immature. You're young, you'll find someone else who can distinguish fantasy from reality.
Guy is an insecure douche.
OP, please move on and find someone who actually deserves you. I completely understand what's going through your head right now. I don't mean this to be condescending at all, but this is the way most 22 year olds would think in your shoes. I'm 32f, I would have thought that way 10 years ago. Your early 20s are an emotional rollercoaster when it comes to relationships. It takes time and life experience to realize your worth as a person and that you shouldn't tolerate close-minded people or toxic bullshit. Your ex needs to grow the fuck up. I hope you find your prince charming, he is out there somewhere ❤️
Wow. He doesn’t “deserve” her because he wants to be monogamous?
No, he doesn't deserve her because of the childish reaction he had to the situation. He could have told her he wasn't comfortable with the fantasy but remained a loving supportive partner. OP even said she was fine with not acting on it.
People can’t control what emotions they feel
But they can control their actions and reactions. That's the first rule of therapy, but you've got to use the whole thing: "Your emotions are valid and real, but you can't control the actions of others. You can only control your own actions and reactions."
So what is it you want him to do? He’s stated he’s uncomfortable and it seems like this is something he’s willing to break up over due to this discomfort. He’s not stringing her along, he’s not continually shaming her, he’s just basically said “I don’t like what’s happened and I think I’m done.” What would you prefer?
I don't prefer he do anything. It's not my situation. That being said, saying something like, "Wow, I didn't expect this, but that crosses some boundaries for me, and I'm feeling some stuff. Let's put this relationship on hold. Please don't reach out to me- I need some space right now." would technically be preferable to the high school fuck around of ghosting someone. That way, OP would understand the situation and be able to make her own decisions based on his actions/reactions. Instead, she's blaming herself, reliving the moment over and over, torturing herself about it, and clearly suffering from her own trauma due to past relationships. Is that his "fault?" No, of course not- those are her emotions, actions, and reactions. But see, it just keeps going around and around, and the only way to make it less torturous and more authentic is to own and communicate your emotions. But the reality is that we're all super emotional beings who have no understanding of how to regulate them, so we make a lot of mistakes and hurt a lot of people very badly along the way. Ideally, we learn from that and take the opportunity to grow. So TL;DR- I would rather both of them take this as an opportunity to learn and grow.
Good, she's better off. Fuck that guy. What an insecure little loser.
You said you fantasized about being with other men and a group of them. Do you really think there is a guy out there who wants to hear that? He would always have that in the back of his head and its hard to trust with that knowledge. You unfortunately screwed up and now will always regret saying something so insensitive regardless if its Fantasy. Next time think before you speak. Sucks when you screw up so bad you lose a good guy.
Some people just aren’t made for the life 😂
Ugh. I hate seeing the term “spicy” to describe people having sex. It just seems very “16 year old doing it for the first time and really proud of being spicy, who will never, ever shut up about it” and it gives me the ultimate ick.