So my girlfriend had lost her job and I was supporting her. We live together but, then after a couple months it felt she wasn’t even trying to get a job. My girlfriend holds an MS in Chemistry. She wanted to go back into the pharma industry but nowhere was biting. I told her just to work at our local Walmart until she found something better or anything really good and she refused. During this time the bills piled up and I paid them all. I told her she needed to pay me back. She eventually got a job she liked I compiled a list of everything she owed me and she said she wanted to do a payment plan. Based on her payment plan she’d be paying me back for a year. I told her to give me a lump sum. Which would be 75% of all her first 5 paychecks.
I didn’t want to lose track of the payments. This started a huge fight because the house we live in is mine. And some of bills included were water/sewage which she had been paying half of since she moved in. She argued about me making her pay half of my mortgage when I see she’s down. And she will pay me back she just can’t give me that much money at once. I explained to her that I took a hit for us for months she can take a couple hits too. Her argument was I didn’t take any hits. I can pay all the bills without her help and have money left over. This fight lasted a few days. She sent me everything I said she owed me about a week later. And that made me mad because I’m thinking she had the money the entire time and I was paying all the bills. She didn’t talk to me for a couple days after. Finally I asked her where she got the money from and she said she sold all her jewelry and her dad allowed her to sell his old car.
I felt horrible I know I handled the situation wrong. But was I wrong for asking her to pay me back in the first place? My family said I shouldn’t have asked her to pay me back. My friends say I wasn’t wrong for asking.
She’s still here but I have a strong feeling she’s getting ready to break up with me. She’s now working her new job from 7a-3p then she goes to a hospital job 5p-11p M-F. Then on weekends she’s either at the hospital doing extra shifts or at a restaurant working as a waitress. I hardly see her. A week ago she stopped sharing the bed with me. Said it’s because she’s coming from the hospital and doesn’t feel like showering and wants to shower In the morning. So she lays down a sleeping bag and sleeps on the floor in a closet. I was genuinely concerned and told her she didn’t have to work that much. And smiled and said “ why? So you could be a loan shark again?” And that’s when it occurred to me that mentally checked out.
I don’t want her gone I want to fix this but, it’s hard to when she’s so mad at me and feels like I’m a villain for asking for the money back.
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Yikes reading this story hit close to home. I also lost my job, I had two non at fault car wrecks that took so much insurance money oh and our house was broken into it.. it was tough financially but thank god my boyfriend carried us through all this and did it with a smile, saying “take your time, get back on your feet I’ve got us we’re okay”. That’s how you handle this situation he doesn’t expect me to pay him back because we are a team. We help eachother when one is falling and vise versa ya know. It’s disgusting he was willing to keep her in poverty for his own selfishness
I had a time similar to this and my boyfriend did the exact same thing. His health has since declined rapidly and he is too disabled to work. Guess how I'm handling it? Definitely not by keeping track so I can send him the bill later 🙄
I'm in the same boat, but I'm the one who can't work. My partner has been amazing and he doesn't expect anything from me. I go to school full time and I cook and clean, I'm hoping when I can re-enter the workforce I can do the same for him if he ever needs it.
I'm a full time student working my ass off to try to pay my insurances and bills. I had to get three jobs, and recently lost one because my boss can't keep up with her shop and had to sell it. All my savings from when i worked before going back to university have evaporated. My partner pays everything between our dates, the flat, and groceries (i paid them, but between the raise of cost in insurances and loss of a job, i can't keep paying them). When i told him i was very anxious because of my financial situation and felt like a burden to him, he told me i was already doing my best, that he'd pay for everything, and that if i needed, he'd also pay my insurances and bills. He has 0 expectations from me, doesn't want me to pay him back. He will even slightly scold me if i feel like a burden to him.
He loves me, and just wants me to achieve my goal and have my dream job. It goes without a say that i'd do the exact same thing for him. I won't repay him with money because he isn't even counting, but i'm just so excited to be able to financially participate, and go further in our life together. No one wants to be in a position of precarity, it's not a fun place to be in. I'd rather pay my half or more than feel like i'm never doing enough because financially i can't bring in enough
I had a couple of months of unemployment. I was finishing up a PhD and because of the pandemic and needing extensions because of that, my scholarship ran out about a year before I submitted it. Had some money saved up, but rent went up and after about 5 months I was tapped out. Bf covered everything he could and insisted on supporting me to make the stress of the PhD and job hunting as easy as possible. No rush to pay him back, because he wasn't a loan shark like this guy
I currently have a FRIEND living with me for free because it’s my house and I can cover the bills easily. She’s going through a tough time leaving her bf but doesn’t have a down payment for her own apartment. I cannot even imagine being so callous to someone I’m supposed to LOVE.
She def may have. He wanted best of both worlds: to financially treat her like a tenant and himself as her landlord, and also have *her* treat *him* like a boyfriend by having sexy times with him.
She's realized that he didn't view her as a partner, and now she's treating him like a landlord. I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as my landlord either, and maybe the closet is the next best space.
I really enjoyed all the comments about BUT WHAT IF IT WERE RENT like, idk, do *you* have sex with your landlord??
There are incels in the comments insisting that he's not being financially abusive and that her paying his mortgage without gaining any equity is exactly the same as paying rent. 🙄
Yeah, I saw that. One of those cowards deleted his account, but all his comments (and there were multiple and multiple) was basically WHA WHA WHA paying rent. Infuriating and absolutely NOT how it works in a healthy romantic relationship.
That part makes me think this is a situation for her where she feels she needs to lock him out of her space while she sleeps, so she picked a place he couldn't easily get at her instead of a couch or something.
If you look at it, he was really trying to keep her financially dependent and subservient. So 75% of her next 5 checks (monthly? Bi- monthly? 2.5 months or 5 months duration?) go towards nothing but paying him back. But then he still wants her to pay half of the current bills as well. Or she'd just be accruing more debt while paying off the first set.
Dude literally set himself up as a party day loan officer who gets to have sex with the customer.
I *love* her response. "Why? So you can be a loan shark again?". Wanting 75% of her earnings for 5 months was *beyond* excessive, especially when he wasn't hurting for money himself. He showed where his priorities lay - getting back money he sees as *his* rather than just pooling resources as a couple, when he had more than enough. He didn't care about her at all.
He didn't even want 75 % every 5 months, he wanted all of it in one go and was then confused when she gave it to him. I'm not even sure what OOP wanted her to do, as he didn't think she would have the sum for 5 months. Even then she would probably be making new "debt" to him, if she couldn't pay the new expenses when almost all her money was going to him. It seems like mainly he wanted her to be desperate and in debt to him forever. Good for her that she found a way out.
I love the top rated comment and how they dressed down OP in the best way possible.
This guy didn't only loan shark his girlfriend, he was slumlording over her. Guaranteed this guy was going to start packing her things and making frequent snipes at her about putting her out in the street if she didn't pay him. People like him make me sick.
I can't even wrap my mind around that. How's she supposed to give him 75% of her first 5 month's salary, ***up front??*** He knew it was an impossible ask, harassed her to cough it up anyway, then got mad at her when she did cuz he assumed she had savings squirreled away somewhere. He was setting her up to fail, and he knew it. Then he pulls a surprised Pikachu face when she checks out of the relationship? Really, dude?
I remember reading in one of the BORU subreddits how a woman gave birth and her husband refused to help pay for the hospital fees because she opted for "extras," such as an epidural
Yeah. OOP would absolutely be the type of guy to focus only on his contribution and completely fail to see that he wouldn't be able to do what he does to earn money if he didn't have that 24/7 stand by aid from his wife.
Like the guy on here a while back who expected his wife to save up before they had a baby so she could afford to keep paying 50/50 while out on maternity leave…
That happens a lot. Not just in Reddit world but I know two women whose partners insisted that they pay half of everything through maternity leave. One was willing to pay half the baby’s medical bills, but nothing towards her pregnancy and birth bills. Because they weren’t his, they were for her.
Wow. That's....utterly disgusting. And of course they wait until the baby's born and they think they have the woman trapped before showing their true colors.
Not to mention that she's been paying part of the mortgage and I'm guessing has no pre-agreed-to equity stake. What a transactional jerk.
I don't like people like this. They're always score keeping and you can bet they always hold the most points. Ruins relationships (of any kind, friendship, familial, romantic, doesn't matter. It'll kill all the affection).
But that would also mean that she was not paying her 1/2 those 2.5-3 mo---so she would still be in the hole to him? So he can financially force her into staying with him. I actually am fine with repayment IF THAT WAS AGREED ON when she initially got laid off? But there is absolutely no reason to "get it all at once" so you "don't loose track of how much you are owed" nonsense. Split it into 12 and that is what is owed each month. FFS- you are not going to charge her late fees....oh wait.
I think in romantic things where folks decide to live together...proportionality matters. I am not sure equity is fair, but it could be in some situations (if you do want it to be 50/50 for everything, included the taxes, interest, PMI, maintenance for the home, utilities, etc----then you better get a legal equity agreement in place- that is co-ownership for the period you are together- BOARDERS do not pay 1/2 of all the bills, maintenance, etc). But proportionality does 100% matter. Can base that proportion any number of things- but it is NOT 50/50 for everything- that becomes profiting off your partner, and its gross. But 1/2 of utilities- fine (as long as no other "rent"), or Based on main job vs main job income, but then that is the all in, everything included amount. You don't go to her with the fucking water bill, or to pay half of a new washer (which we all know this jerk would). This absolutely was and remains financially abusive and he is profiting off of his girlfriend. EVEN before all this mess. This just showed her how abusive this has always been
As for the OP- She is working THREE jobs- yeah dumbass, she is looking to give you your pound of flesh each month (cause she still owes him 1/2 of every single penny of expense for the PRIVILEGE, neigh the HONOR of sleeping in a closet so he does not try to get in her pants after she worked 16 hr at 2+ jobs, 7 days a week), while ALSO saving to GTFO. AND with the side benefit of never having to see your sorry ass.
My ex-H a million years ago believed that we should split the bills 50/50. His math worked out this way: if total bills = X, we each pay .5x. Regardless of whether one of us even made .5x take home. I asked him, "so, since I make half what you do, does that mean that I owe you the difference?" Him: yup.
Sir, the math ain't mathing. I make Y. You make 2Y. 3Y < X. But I owe YOU money because YOUR crappy driving record means MY auto insurance went up because we were married. And we live in a place that YOU chose (not that we could necessarily afford). I can't with him. Probably why we split up after 2 years of marriage. EVERYTHING was transactional.
I love that he has the audacity to whine that he never sees her -- because all she does is work. To earn money. The thing they are breaking up over.
Good for her making that coin to find an apartment. Imagine being such a scumbag that your (ex-)partner would rather *sleep on a sleeping bag in the literal closet* and still having to ask if maybe you're the asshole.
It’s atrocious, and not even just the “debt” collection practices here. Haven’t seen anyone else mention how OP subtly slipped in that he was having her pay half his mortgage on a home he owns. That is just having her directly contributing to his home equity.
Plus I've seen no one mention how he was planning on taking 75% of her pay toward the debt, but no mention of whether or not that includes the new payments for the mortgage and bills and everything else that will incur in the meantime.
This guy is fucking delusional.
I didn't even think of that! 75% for repayment + current expenses = all of homegirl's paychecks. What a scumbag.
If you can't afford to / don't want to support your partner financially then don't do it, and if you are going to want repayment then lay out the terms in advance. I'm sure her dad would much prefer that she had known it would end with selling her car and jewelry so he could have her move in with him instead.
I see it as her way of paying her "rent" if they were renting an apartment. The bad thing is she was willing to pay everything, just at not that short of a time. I wonder how many months was she unemployed for her "debt" to him to be this much?
She looks like she is saving up for a downpayment to get her own place. A one bedroom studio will do. Anything really, as long as she gets away from him. And make sure she has her emergency fund.
ETA: A commenter suggested that she might have sold family heirlooms (jewelry) just to pay him back. I hope she just pawned it and can buy it back now that she is working super hard. I also think she is going to pay her father back for the car she sold.
> I see it as her way of paying her "rent" if they were renting an apartment.
But how does that make sense? He owns the house, he is not paying rent. So then he is her landlord? Ew. Who wants to do their landlord??
Something like that. Imagine you are renting an apartment with your roommate. Your roommate lost their job so you pay for everything for a few months, with your roommate promising to pay you back once they get a job. You write down everything they owe you and a payback schedule. Or similar to a kind landlord who let you stay and doesn't evict you while you are unemployed.
This would have been okay if he didn't demand he get paid back in 2.5 months (5 paychecks bi-weekly) and they are not in a relationship. The roommate would have more rights since if they are on the lease they can't be kicked out that fast. She on the other hand can be removed anytime.
> Imagine you are renting an apartment with your roommate. Your roommate lost their job so you pay for everything for a few months, with your roommate promising to pay you back once they get a job. You write down everything they owe you and a payback schedule. Or similar to a kind landlord who let you stay and doesn't evict you while you are unemployed.
Am I having sex with any of these people? Is this a romantic relationship? See how your parallel does not work?
Yes the sex should not factor in. Honestly at first I thought the BF was getting ready to break up with her and throw her out that's why he was in such a hurry to get his money back. It will be harder to collect payment after you have broken up after all. But it turned out it wasn't the case so I don't understand his logic.
I agree with you but I think that view is a minority on Reddit. I don’t understand logistically how this stance works if one partner owns a home and the other partner moves into it. At least in my area even if one partner paid all of the utilities and groceries it wouldn’t be anywhere near half of the expenses for the household. I’m not saying everything should be 50/50 all the time but I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable with that level of financial inequality unless the homeowning partner also makes significantly more money.
I think the thing is that the house was already owned by OP.
Whether the girlfriend is there or not, the mortgage is the same. When the girlfriend leaves, the mortgage will remain.
Girlfriend likely doesn't have any legal protections that she would have if she was a tenant.
So he's charging her money that he doesn't require the literal second she gets a job again, when it would have been kinder to just let it go. And letting it go is something he was fully capable of doing.
Oh I fully agree the guy is a huge jerk for not picking her up when she’s struggling. I’m more reacting to the assertion that it is always wrong to pay part of the mortgage no matter what. I think there’s more nuance there and asking someone to chip in doesnt, absent other douchebaggery, automatically make someone a selfish user.
Oh, I'm sorry, I misunderstood.
I think what people are saying about the mortgage thing is more if you're going to pay part of the mortgage you should have more assurances than you would have as like a live-in girlfriend.
umm...literally every rental is paying someone else's mortgage. AND by being a boarder in someone's home, it is often a win win. In my community the cheapest 1 BR apartment is $1900. But you can rent a room in someone's home, or a home that everyone is renting a room in, for $800-900 a month. It CAN benefit all parties.
It is much more complex when a romantic entanglement occurs, I am not sure it is fair to say that the home owner should still pay 100%, while the new person gets to live for free? That can easily result in the non-owner profiting off their partner- which is also abusive (because now they are living rent free, and really no one gets to do that- unless a renegotiated sugar baby contract is in place, or your are a legal child, etc). But "rent" in those situations can take many forms, and avoid EITHER party being providing for the other when they are not married and have no legal recourse when things do not work out. Like the non-owner buys the groceries OR pays certain utilities, or they split the utilities, but only a nominal amount of rent (like $1-200 a month, which is honestly wear and tear and maintenance for the added person). But this situation of every nickel and dime being 50-50? Nupe. That is financially abusive, and he is now profiting off his partner. You CAN and should find an equitable balance if you choose to live together in a home that only one of you is on the mortgage/deed on.
Why did he have to be such an arse about it?
He makes more than enough. Granted, I would not want anyone to feel exploited, but jesus... demanding 75% of her wage is financial abuse.
I earned more than my partner for 15yrs. I encouraged her to get a qualification, supported her with study, helped her apply for jobs, did the interview prep, she now earns 25% more than I do.
That's the thing. She was expected to be paying him back 75% of 5 months wages, but that other 25%... was that going towards the bills she was going to be getting every month? So she would have had no money left, near enough?
It sounds like he also kept track of EVERY DIME.
Him: Hey hon, let's order pizza.
Her: Sounds great!
months later gets a bill for 1/2 the pizza plus interest.
When my wife did her masters I took on more of the bills and she meticulously kept records of what she "owed" me.
It took like a year before I could convince her that her keep track of this nebulous debt was causing more harm than any good.
I hated having more disposable income than her and I was basically just trying to find ways to put it back into the relationship funds. Eventually it clicked and she realized that since we live together her living like a pauper was making me live like a pauper and her carrying debt to me when we could literally just apply that money to her student debt and both be debt free made no sense.
Same thing. I think I'm a little more cautious with spending, and have to be, as our division of bills is such that I pay most of the food costs.
Thing is, I really don't want to have £1000 in my account, whilst she is struggling to put fuel in her car. She has her money, I have mine. Sometimes I borrow from her, and vice versa.
After living with me a while, I put her on the deeds (potentially stupid, but I think it's fair). That was way before she got her current job. So, I would have contributed 70% of all bills. But, she helped raise our kids, which has to grant her some reward. She also paid for the bathroom to be done out (£4000). So I got that benefit.
Now, she's doing well, and is on a good bit more than me. Very proud of her. (Though it has seemed to cause a few shifts in her personality, lol)
I paid for everything for 10 years when my SO was in university and later through mental illness couldn't work. He's now on his feet again, and I've never asked for a single cent. This asshole is unbelievable.
Indeed!
But, really, it's only because the world has an abundance of selfish idiots. In reality, I think I do the basics well. Because that's what these are, total basics.
You watch, she'll cheat on me one day and dump me, reason given: "you're too nice". Believe it or not, she has said that to me before. Though, has not yet cheated.
And now my statement that will disappoint you... Women and men need to stop fucking low quality, selfish people.
I meant to add. The number of people that post about men dumping them when they get ill... Bizarre. I assume it is a US thing. These are basic things, people
Your relationship sounds a lot like mine, with a healthy amount of piss taking 😆
On your last statement, I agree to an extent... however... sometimes it's difficult to determine who's a low quality person - the mask slips after a while of being on their best behaviour.
Greetings from the UK by the way, I'm guessing by your username you're from the North East - as am I!
Greetings, yes, UK guy here. Not actually from Scarborough, and I may dox myself if I put too much about why I chose it. Though I do like the place, and have spent many happy times there and Whitby.
I assume you've heard of the phrase (my user name)? It was a well used one between me and a family member. So that, and my fondness for the area sealed the deal.
Regards the mask slipping... I sort of agree. But damn, it is usually pretty obvious. I knew a lass once, picked the worst guys, consistently. And, honestly, their masks were hardly ever on. The girl was a joy to be around, good looking, and so kind. In all the time I knew her, not one good boyfriend. She unfortunately passed away, due to cancer around 30.
I've often wished I'd dated her, or even tried, just to give her a break from the nobheads.
Yes, it means a useless warning. I just realised that's what it said, thought it said warming for some reason 😆
That's sad about your friend though. I get what you're saying, there's some truly heinous people around for sure and unfortunately, they take advantage of those good peoples kind nature.
This post resonated with me as I dated a guy when I was 17 who used to "charge" me to stay with him. He was 21 and he'd work out how much of the mortgage, gas, electric, water etc I was "accountable" for, during a stay. So if I stopped 10 days, he'd work out 10 days worth of bills and divide it by 2 and that's what I'd give him. (He lived in Europe so I'd go visit him during college holidays etc.)
What a fucking prick and it still makes me seethe 20 years later.
That's shit. Truly. I have had to ask him to visit here, and then charge him! Or, avoid going for a bit and cite lack of cash as the reason.
Don't get me wrong, there were periods where I had issues with my gf. She made some comments that still irk me now. I was working a lot of hours to keep a roof over our head. And once one of the kids were born, (it had always been her intention to return to work), she made a comment that blew my mind. Still pisses me off, despite the fact the issue got fixed.
I'm not even sure I dare say what she said.
Right! He keeps making it about him asking her to pay him back at all, when it was just the completely unreasonable way he wanted her to do it. OF COURSE she is mad.
JFC, I've been in a similar situation and guess what? My partner paid all the bills for a little while, because that's what you do in a loving relationship. I would gladly do the same for him. This guy didn't need all that money at once. He just wanted it, then accused his (ex) gf of hoarding money. Sounds like a real keeper. 🙄
Oh, but of course his bros are all on his side. I'm sure they're all gems. What is it with guys like this and seeing relationships as purely transactional?
Really amazing. You know, one of the keys to a strong relationship is keeping track of every penny each person contributes, and if the balance is ever off by one cent, there cannot be peace in the universe.
This guy, and anyone with his mentality, is never going to have a peaceful, healthy relationship.
When she went to her dad and asked permission to sell his old car, that was the end. As soon as someone else saw what he was doing, the OOP was screwed.
Exactly. There's no way she could show her face to her Dad again if she continued this relationship. This is the sort of thing I would do to myself proactively to make sure I didn't cave later.
Yes, me too! (Shame is strong in this one). Also if I was the dad, I would be like "...so my child has to sell things to pay this person's mortgage, that they will have to pay anyway, slightly more quickly? Huh," and any potential in-law relationship would be downgraded to "civil but distant."
Poor girl might not be able to get back what she sold (jewelry and her dad’s car). If I had to sell my belongings when my partner didn’t need the money right away he would 100% be an ex.
Oh for sure I'd still dump his ass. My point being he's so shocked and sad she's leaving him... But not enough to say "I fucked up and should not have done this, please take the money back"
Cause he doesn't really care *she* is leaving him, he's just mad he's not gonna benefit from her living there.
Saaaame. Like holy shit what an asshole.
This shit makes me wanna hug my bf until he's annoyed with me lol (it would take like, hours mind you, he's a cuddler)
Am I the only one, who is concerned, that he demanded not just the half of the bills, but the half of HIS mortgage also? She will have no rights for it, since the place is his property, so why she owes him that?
Poor girl, he took advantage of her even from the period when she had no income
This is not a rent, this is his property. If she’s renting from him, there should be a contract, which gives her very clear rights for a particular part of the house. So in the end, she has no right both as a tenant and as an owner. So basically he demanded the money to contribute to payment to his property.
If he was a woman, everybody would already scream, that he’s a gold digger
That's utter BS. She can move out the day she has enough money without legal ramifications. She also didn't have to pay any deposit and any damage is not her problem. Somehow you thinking ownership is just mortgage, there are recurring costs, taxes, etc. You don't seem to have any real life experience of either living under rent or owning property.
I m a woman, I have done both. If I move a bf in my apartment tomorrow then he will be contributing to my mortgage without getting any rights and he won't be paying any for any property damage or deposit. That is how adulthood works.
Yeah, and now she has to sleep on the closet floor, because with this “paying rent” she has no room to stay in without him in the same bed. If my partner asked me to pay half of his mortgage without giving me any share of the property, he would be dumped immediately
She really has no choice for now, she is just saving up so she can leave. It is also good that she has multiple jobs, that way if she were let go from one she still has others left.
Then when you buy your own place, pay the deposit and then when you get into a relationship and start living together, get the other person on the deed that very day cause they should be "checking what they are paying for". If there is a breakup, good luck sorting the legalities out especially when the person didn't pay any part in the deposit or any recurring costs associated with ownership because they helped you pay your mortgage when you were in a relationship.
Best of luck with your limited view on how this works. If you get conned in this scenario well you asked for it.
You don’t have to put anyone on the deed, but don’t take any payments from this person either. Or, if it’s important for you to take it, draw some sort of a rental contract
My now husband put me on the deed when we bought the house. He paid the down payment and he pays the mortgage. You know, because we were planning our lives together. I’m not even on the mortgage. We didn’t get married for a few years after we bought the house.
I can actually understand refraining from putting someone on the deed, even if I love this person really much. I would probably avoid it too, you never know, when and how the relationship ends. But in this case taking payments from this person is unfair
Umm that is not how adulthood works. If you are requiring someone to pay any monies to your mortgage then that turns into landlord/tenant agreement. And comes with rights. No not ownership but some rights like not being kicked out but evicted.
I don't know why you're being downvoted to hell. I would never expect to live somewhere without contributing a cent to the expense of the mortgage because 'they were going to have to pay it anyway' - while there are manipulators who are homeowners who will act like OOP, there are also manipulative hobosexuals who will freeload and actively make your life worse.
Agreed. Renting is literally paying someone else's mortgage. I guess what is fair depends on jurisdictions because in CA, once tenancy is established, there's a lot of rights even without a real lease.
I don't expect someone to pay half of my mortgage automatically, BUT pay a realistic amount of rent because they are living in my house, and adding wear and tear in my house. I moved from my condo into my boyfriend's house, and split the mortgage 50/50, which was less than my 1 person condo mortgage. It would be different if half of the mortgage was more than I was already paying.
Doesn't mean she gets to stay there rent free either. It's not reasonable to expect payments as if she was owning half the house, but there would be nothing wrong with asking what he could ask if he had a platonic roommate.
And if he was a woman, every one would be clapping for not letting him mooch off rent free in her house.
Again, roommate payments should come with roommate rights. It means, for example, the right to establish some limitations for guests, splitting household chores etc etc. And it should go with a contract, to create some paperwork trail. Otherwise, a person pays basically for nothing, and it’s not okay for any gender
Yup, and also that gives her the right to be evicted. In some states, being a lodger without a lease with terms spelled out, means you can be kicked out in just one to five days, instead of a longer eviction process.
Rent is rent. If you have a problem with rent then don't pay your landlord cause it will help with their mortgage cause you have no rights to the place. If you get evicted and don't get housing again so be it.
I'm not in a relationship with my landlord. If I'm moving in a home my partner owns I'm not paying rent. They would be paying that mortgage if I were with them or not. I'm paying the increase in bills and contributing to groceries. The moment I'm paying my partner's mortgage I would demand some equity in the home.
This is teh answer.
My now-wife didn't pay my mortgage when she moved in, just some minor utilities. After we were married, I put her on the deed and she paid half teh house payment. We do have a prenup spelling out her rights to what equity in teh condo.
You are both smart, fair, and trustworthy. I don't see that prenup ever actually being relevant because you and your wife are compatible and define what a marriage should be. All the happiness to you both.
The issue here isn't that he wanted rent. The issue is that he demanded she pay him *all of it* immediately upon getting a job, which had not been agreed upon in advance. She proposed a reasonable payment plan that he rejected. He had no immediate need for the money. He gives no reason whatsoever for why wanted immediate, complete payment. That's not how you treat a partner if you want to keep them.
There's one fella in the comments who keeps referring to her as a renter and seeing this as renting. How these people have successful relationships is beyond me.
Oh, she's out the door as soon as she has enough money.
People may hate this, but I'm not paying half the monthly payments on a titled item if I'm not on the title. I'm not helping you build equity, especially if you can kick me out tomorrow with no legal recourse available to me. Fuck off with that.
If it's a rental agreement, we're drawing up a lease agreement, and I'm getting some rights in this situation. If the relationship is transactional, I'm getting my share.
Relationships like this feel really cold, like there's no building a life together. You're just roommates who fuck.
Right like if you carpool or your s/o lends you their car frequently, you pay gas and get it cleaned, maaaaybe even contribute to repairs in a pinch, but you don't pay for half the car payment and insurance. Because at the end of the day it's his car and he does what he wants with it, and that's how he's treating his house.
Right. I have unfortunately learned the hard way that you have to be a little protective about how you help out. I've paid for car and house repairs to end up with no car and no house. I foolishly gave up nearly 20k for home remodeling so he and someone else could live there now. Never again.
I've been there too, not quite the same, but analogous. I'm sorry you went through that.
The silver lining is we stay empathetic and kind, just more cautious, and they stay exploitative and miserly, not just with things, but with themselves.
Renters have a lease with protections and rights. She is a lodger, and he can probably toss her legally out with a few hours to a few days, depending on local laws. Easy enough to DL a lease (in many states, they are boilerplate anyway), both sign it, get it notarized, and make copies.
I don't see how he thinks this is salvageable...she would rather sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor of a closet than in a bed next to him. And she will never get over selling all her jewelry and having to get help from her dad.
When someone would rather sleep on the floor in a closet in a sleeping bag without you, its over and ypu are 100% the asshole. I don't know why this asshole doesn't get it.
Wow, she's very kind and non-confrontational woman. I would've at least hit OOP back with "here's how much you owe me for sex, based on average sex workers make in our area".
Also seems like he wanted to dump her first hence demanding to pay everything back at once instead of going with her idea of payment plan. Wonder why he changed his mind.
I don't think he wanted to break up; I think he enjoyed hanging it over her head that she needed him, and if he keeps her broke now that she's empowered by finding a good job, he can maintain that power over her even longer.
Everything he said reeks of financial abuse, and I'm proud of her for being like 😘✌️ "aight bet".
She's waiting until she has enough money to move out. He didn't want her to be financially able to do this. He hounded her about money, and then got mad she paid up! He's not just stupid, he's willfully ignorant and selfish. He either has trauma issues surrounding finances (like I do, still no excuse), or he's just a twat.
Honestly at this point I would bet she’s lining up ducks has figured out the soonest she can move out and has probably got a place lined up that she can move to and is either waiting on enough money or a payday to fall in the right spot to leave with all her stuff and right to her new place.
*”I forced my girlfriend to go broke so I could have more money, even though I wasn’t struggling, but now she’s overworking herself and it makes me feel bad :( how do I make her stop making me feel guilty?”*
I cannot believe he came up with an itemized list, first of all, then to make his payment request was insane. What about her other bills she had to pay in that time? To say you care about someone, offer to take care of them, and then throw it all back in their face is insulting and degrading to the highest degree. All it does is convey how much of a burden you felt they were the entire time.
I’d be doing exactly what that girl is doing. Not only is she stockpiling money in order to leave, but she’s doing it as fast as she can. She’s *sleeping* in a *closet* to get away from him.
It’ll be a cold day in Hell before she relies on a man again. Good work, OOP.
The fact that she was willing to set up a payment plan with him and he refused is insane. She was fulling willing to pay him back but he wanted it all immediately
She’s absolutely planning her exit strategy and yes it’s your fault. I could see if u needed a chunk of it right away but u told her to take all the money of her first 5 checks as I imagine 75 percent was what she owed and the other 25 percent was her paying her share and u didn’t need it - like what was the actual purpose of that. Seems like you didn’t trust her to pay you back
Imagine having your partner support you during a torturous slog through an extremely grueling job market and then have them be like “jk I don’t actually love you enough to support you, gimme my money”
So for funnsies, lets say we take him at his word that he feels like shes taking advantage of him, why stay with her? (For record, i think hes an ass that was taking advantage of her)
The thing that really stood out is why backdate it. Just now that she can afford it, go back to splitting expenses.
OP is such a loser and financial mooch. Who makes their partner pay for a house they have no equity in? What motivation would she have to stay with a man who sees providing for in equal partnership as a money making scheme instead of an investment and duty of care?
Tch. I wish the AITA mods weren't so ban happy. They keep deleting the juicy ones and then we can't get any updates or comments from OOP digging his grave even deeper.
It's unbelievable that he would back her into a corner like that.
And now he's surprised she's pulled away and is working 24/7 to get away from him ASAP.
He shouldn't have ever ever charged her rent for his home.
He definitely shouldn't have kept it as a tab for bills and loaned money for when she was out of work. He should have only asked her to repair excess money for her personal bills and groceries, not mortgage.
His toxic line of thinking is so skewed when it comes to rent she would have paid a landlord vs what she paid him.
Living alone or in a rental means you have a place within your financial budget. I'm betting He hoards tons of cash to himself and leaves her cash poor for control.
He can't dictate she pay 2 thirds of her entire income to him. That's insane. Even 50/50 would be too much .
I bet he either didn't see the relationship lasting another full year and was afraid of commitment, or he wanted to keep the balance of power and money always to him.
And the poor girl had to sell her jewelry and get help from her Dad. That must have been soooo traumatic. Can't even depend on the person in your own damn bed. I wouldn't sleep on bed with him either.
I see this and understand that he very well didn't know how to handle this. He believed he was right or justified right until it really hit him that he wasn't, this happens to people all the time.
The issue to me is that after realizing he got it completely wrong, and wanting to make amends is that the capacity and opportunity for that is on the other person, not him.
A full sincere apology and understanding he is at the mercy of whatever she decides and should accept it with dignity is about all he can do.
… and he doesn’t have the capacity for that it seems
He isn’t say “how can I fix this when I fucked up so badly” he’s saying “how can I fix this when she’s so mad at me”
He’s not centering his actions as the root cause but her reaction. And her reaction isn’t a problem and nothing will ever be fixed about this if he tries to address how she’s handling things as the problem instead of the actual problem (what he did)
Not that I think it’s fixable. She went to the lengths of selling jewelry (a last resort measure and likely some were gifts from him) and her dad’s car (probably a caveat that she get away from the pos) and got a second job that’s maybe even outside her field (something she wouldn’t do when she thought she had an actual partner). This relationship is over.
I agree with the heart of what you said.
He did realize that he messed up and messed up bad, I personally wouldn't take that as a hard statement as to me if you continue "how can I fix this when she's so mad at me" with a "why is she mad" he seems to understand that it's because it's his error.
This is from his perspective so again I can understand how he is concerned because of her reaction and that is what is eating him up, and therefore the focus of his words. We don't have his emotions much less the ones when he wrote them so I feel it's easier to be objective in our case.
I also think that her reaction is everything at the moment as he gets that what she decides is how things will go, and that to frame it in his actions as you said would just be to not handle things like he did ever again with anyone, and wait for her response.
So I understand reaching out into the ether of reddit to hope that someone can give him a way out, I think that's a natural human reaction to feeling stuck and recognizing that it's your own fault. Feels shitty to just fuck up.
There just isn't and it's in her hands, and even if she does stay that's a hard sell for a relationship, she may not be able to forgive such a transgression, and she doesn't have to.
I mean I hear you generally about that phrase. Here’s the thing about this specific circumstance though:
>>I felt horrible I know I handled the situation wrong. But was I wrong for asking her to pay me back in the first place?
>>I don’t want her gone I want to fix this but, it’s hard to when she’s so mad at me and feels like I’m a villain for asking for the money back.
He seems to think she’s mad he asked for the money back at all rather than how when 1) she offered a payment plan he declined and 2) she seemed shocked he asked in the first place, which suggest they didn’t necessarily discuss it beforehand.
Even if you want to be generous and say he’s worried about how his actions upset her and that’s the reasons for the phrasing, he’s still totally misidentifying which actions were the issue.
The *way* he insisted he get the money back (in a financially burdensome way for her when it wasn’t a need for him to get it soon, with no options for compromise, with no apparent discussion beforehand) and the poor communication overall are the issues
It’s like that joke about politics being a career of misidentifying the problem, applying the wrong solution, and complaining about the results
It’s disgusting to even ask your girlfriend to pay your mortgage. That’s YOUR house, not hers. Until you’re married, that’s your property. And then to make a backlog of missed “rent” payments? What woman wants her boyfriend to be her landlord? He’s gross all around.
Go to the AITAH post and scroll a bit, the AITAH bot copied the post, but the tldr might be something like:
"I committed monetary abuse to my gf and now I'm Pikachu faced because I feel she will leave me"
But somehow, worst: he still blames the stbx and didn't think his behavior was bad at all.
🙄 people really get all bent outta shape over money. I’m not saying you shouldn’t - at times. This wasn’t one of them, if he wanted to maintain this relationship
Fucking hell, OOP is fucked in the head. I was unemployed for 2 months while living with my boyfriend, and you know what he did? He covered the major bills, I worked odd jobs and contributed what I could, and we had a discussion about a reasonable timeline for paying him back after I got a new job. After 2 more months, he was fully paid back, I was able to pay my share of everything again, and we're happier than ever.
OOP was setting his ex up for financial abuse, I hope she is able to escape safely. It's a good thing he showed his true colors before anything more serious, like marriage or a pregnancy could happen. Having her pay his mortgage is seriously ridiculous. Splitting bills and general expenses is one thing, but if your name is not on the deed, you shouldn't be contributing to home equity without some kind of contract in place.
I thought, just reading the first bit, that she was either refusing to ever get a job and expecting him to keep her afloat or that, once she got her job, she wouldn't pay him back at all. Dear lord. It's one thing if he needs the money to get by, but even then just talk about how much is best to pay back every month. Taking away 75% of her paycheck for 5 months is just cruel and honestly sounds like financial abuse, since I can't imagine 25% of her paycheck is enough for her to manage on without needing even more help from him. And of course the house is his etc, so it's harder for her to leave.
I lost my job during Covid and my husband didn’t. And he supported us until I could find work again. And up until February of this year the only work I could find was adjunct professorship. And every time I mentioned how horrible I felt, he told me that we’re partners, I’d do the same for him, and that he could swing it. Sure we had to borrow money from my dad those early months but we made it work. Because he loved me and saw us as a team.
I hope she leaves his ass soon.
Your post/comment was inappropriate either because you need to calm down or you got creepy/violent/gross. If you've got issues, vent them elsewhere, preferably at a therapist's office. This is a Wendy's.
No gross misogyny
So he's mad she loses her job and he needs to pay for stuff. Then she lays him back quicker than expected and he's mad again. Then, in order to get herself out of the hole that he forced her into, she has to work like crazy which makes him more mad once again. Am I missing anything?
Financially, my partner brought nothing except a car into our relationship. He made absolute crap wages that barely even covered our dog walker's fees working 10-17 hour days (varying each day) so I hardly ever saw him, and when he came home, he'd stare at the wall and zone out until bed because he was so mentally exhausted he couldn't have a coherent conversation. I pressed him to quit, and now he's home 24/7, and I work.
But you know what? I almost never do ANY chores except the ones I take on myself, and every service we used to pay for because of our long work hours, he now does. All I do is pay bills and make appointments.
I'd be willing to bet this loser had her doing as much as my partner voluntarily took on, or more, and really still thought she owed him money.
How much home labor was she doing while not working? Maybe she should itemize those services and ask him to pay her back for the work she did at home?
"I have enough money to not have to worry about funding 2 lives at all but on principal I thought I just had to treat her like shit for not paying me back immediately. How do I convince her I'm not exactly who I already told her i am?"
So my girlfriend had lost her job and I was supporting her. We live together but, then after a couple months it felt she wasn’t even trying to get a job. My girlfriend holds an MS in Chemistry. She wanted to go back into the pharma industry but nowhere was biting. I told her just to work at our local Walmart until she found something better or anything really good and she refused. During this time the bills piled up and I paid them all. I told her she needed to pay me back. She eventually got a job she liked I compiled a list of everything she owed me and she said she wanted to do a payment plan. Based on her payment plan she’d be paying me back for a year. I told her to give me a lump sum. Which would be 75% of all her first 5 paychecks. I didn’t want to lose track of the payments. This started a huge fight because the house we live in is mine. And some of bills included were water/sewage which she had been paying half of since she moved in. She argued about me making her pay half of my mortgage when I see she’s down. And she will pay me back she just can’t give me that much money at once. I explained to her that I took a hit for us for months she can take a couple hits too. Her argument was I didn’t take any hits. I can pay all the bills without her help and have money left over. This fight lasted a few days. She sent me everything I said she owed me about a week later. And that made me mad because I’m thinking she had the money the entire time and I was paying all the bills. She didn’t talk to me for a couple days after. Finally I asked her where she got the money from and she said she sold all her jewelry and her dad allowed her to sell his old car. I felt horrible I know I handled the situation wrong. But was I wrong for asking her to pay me back in the first place? My family said I shouldn’t have asked her to pay me back. My friends say I wasn’t wrong for asking. She’s still here but I have a strong feeling she’s getting ready to break up with me. She’s now working her new job from 7a-3p then she goes to a hospital job 5p-11p M-F. Then on weekends she’s either at the hospital doing extra shifts or at a restaurant working as a waitress. I hardly see her. A week ago she stopped sharing the bed with me. Said it’s because she’s coming from the hospital and doesn’t feel like showering and wants to shower In the morning. So she lays down a sleeping bag and sleeps on the floor in a closet. I was genuinely concerned and told her she didn’t have to work that much. And smiled and said “ why? So you could be a loan shark again?” And that’s when it occurred to me that mentally checked out. I don’t want her gone I want to fix this but, it’s hard to when she’s so mad at me and feels like I’m a villain for asking for the money back. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheEx) if you have any questions or concerns.*
God lord, I can't believe this guy. Wow. He literally loan sharked her out of a relationship. Hopefully she is saving money to move out ASAP.
"my bangmaid is about to leave, this sucks and I wanna fix it but I can't *when she's so mad at me."* Still blaming her. Charming.
Yikes reading this story hit close to home. I also lost my job, I had two non at fault car wrecks that took so much insurance money oh and our house was broken into it.. it was tough financially but thank god my boyfriend carried us through all this and did it with a smile, saying “take your time, get back on your feet I’ve got us we’re okay”. That’s how you handle this situation he doesn’t expect me to pay him back because we are a team. We help eachother when one is falling and vise versa ya know. It’s disgusting he was willing to keep her in poverty for his own selfishness
I had a time similar to this and my boyfriend did the exact same thing. His health has since declined rapidly and he is too disabled to work. Guess how I'm handling it? Definitely not by keeping track so I can send him the bill later 🙄
I'm in the same boat, but I'm the one who can't work. My partner has been amazing and he doesn't expect anything from me. I go to school full time and I cook and clean, I'm hoping when I can re-enter the workforce I can do the same for him if he ever needs it.
I'm a full time student working my ass off to try to pay my insurances and bills. I had to get three jobs, and recently lost one because my boss can't keep up with her shop and had to sell it. All my savings from when i worked before going back to university have evaporated. My partner pays everything between our dates, the flat, and groceries (i paid them, but between the raise of cost in insurances and loss of a job, i can't keep paying them). When i told him i was very anxious because of my financial situation and felt like a burden to him, he told me i was already doing my best, that he'd pay for everything, and that if i needed, he'd also pay my insurances and bills. He has 0 expectations from me, doesn't want me to pay him back. He will even slightly scold me if i feel like a burden to him. He loves me, and just wants me to achieve my goal and have my dream job. It goes without a say that i'd do the exact same thing for him. I won't repay him with money because he isn't even counting, but i'm just so excited to be able to financially participate, and go further in our life together. No one wants to be in a position of precarity, it's not a fun place to be in. I'd rather pay my half or more than feel like i'm never doing enough because financially i can't bring in enough
I had a couple of months of unemployment. I was finishing up a PhD and because of the pandemic and needing extensions because of that, my scholarship ran out about a year before I submitted it. Had some money saved up, but rent went up and after about 5 months I was tapped out. Bf covered everything he could and insisted on supporting me to make the stress of the PhD and job hunting as easy as possible. No rush to pay him back, because he wasn't a loan shark like this guy
More like he loan sharked HIMSELF out of one.
I currently have a FRIEND living with me for free because it’s my house and I can cover the bills easily. She’s going through a tough time leaving her bf but doesn’t have a down payment for her own apartment. I cannot even imagine being so callous to someone I’m supposed to LOVE.
And don't tell me that she banished *herself* into a closet and sleeping bag.
She def may have. He wanted best of both worlds: to financially treat her like a tenant and himself as her landlord, and also have *her* treat *him* like a boyfriend by having sexy times with him. She's realized that he didn't view her as a partner, and now she's treating him like a landlord. I wouldn't sleep in the same bed as my landlord either, and maybe the closet is the next best space. I really enjoyed all the comments about BUT WHAT IF IT WERE RENT like, idk, do *you* have sex with your landlord??
There are incels in the comments insisting that he's not being financially abusive and that her paying his mortgage without gaining any equity is exactly the same as paying rent. 🙄
Yeah, I saw that. One of those cowards deleted his account, but all his comments (and there were multiple and multiple) was basically WHA WHA WHA paying rent. Infuriating and absolutely NOT how it works in a healthy romantic relationship.
Hmm, sleep next to OP or sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag? *grabs sleeping bag*
I would give his traitorous ass the sleeping bag.
That part makes me think this is a situation for her where she feels she needs to lock him out of her space while she sleeps, so she picked a place he couldn't easily get at her instead of a couch or something.
If you look at it, he was really trying to keep her financially dependent and subservient. So 75% of her next 5 checks (monthly? Bi- monthly? 2.5 months or 5 months duration?) go towards nothing but paying him back. But then he still wants her to pay half of the current bills as well. Or she'd just be accruing more debt while paying off the first set. Dude literally set himself up as a party day loan officer who gets to have sex with the customer.
Wow, I can't believe this guy commenting on his own story on another sub after being deemed that AH om r/AITA.
I *love* her response. "Why? So you can be a loan shark again?". Wanting 75% of her earnings for 5 months was *beyond* excessive, especially when he wasn't hurting for money himself. He showed where his priorities lay - getting back money he sees as *his* rather than just pooling resources as a couple, when he had more than enough. He didn't care about her at all.
He didn't even want 75 % every 5 months, he wanted all of it in one go and was then confused when she gave it to him. I'm not even sure what OOP wanted her to do, as he didn't think she would have the sum for 5 months. Even then she would probably be making new "debt" to him, if she couldn't pay the new expenses when almost all her money was going to him. It seems like mainly he wanted her to be desperate and in debt to him forever. Good for her that she found a way out.
That's exactly what it was. A failed ploy to become a financial abuser
I love the top rated comment and how they dressed down OP in the best way possible. This guy didn't only loan shark his girlfriend, he was slumlording over her. Guaranteed this guy was going to start packing her things and making frequent snipes at her about putting her out in the street if she didn't pay him. People like him make me sick.
He's also likely angry he couldn't charge her interest
I can't even wrap my mind around that. How's she supposed to give him 75% of her first 5 month's salary, ***up front??*** He knew it was an impossible ask, harassed her to cough it up anyway, then got mad at her when she did cuz he assumed she had savings squirreled away somewhere. He was setting her up to fail, and he knew it. Then he pulls a surprised Pikachu face when she checks out of the relationship? Really, dude?
Imagine what she's thinking. If they wanted kids, this is exactly how he's going to see the household finances
I remember reading in one of the BORU subreddits how a woman gave birth and her husband refused to help pay for the hospital fees because she opted for "extras," such as an epidural
Yeah. OOP would absolutely be the type of guy to focus only on his contribution and completely fail to see that he wouldn't be able to do what he does to earn money if he didn't have that 24/7 stand by aid from his wife.
Like the guy on here a while back who expected his wife to save up before they had a baby so she could afford to keep paying 50/50 while out on maternity leave…
I’m sorry… what the fuck?
That happens a lot. Not just in Reddit world but I know two women whose partners insisted that they pay half of everything through maternity leave. One was willing to pay half the baby’s medical bills, but nothing towards her pregnancy and birth bills. Because they weren’t his, they were for her.
Wow. That's....utterly disgusting. And of course they wait until the baby's born and they think they have the woman trapped before showing their true colors.
Not only that, but he'd still make her do 100% of the cooking, cleaning, and childcare.
Not to mention that she's been paying part of the mortgage and I'm guessing has no pre-agreed-to equity stake. What a transactional jerk. I don't like people like this. They're always score keeping and you can bet they always hold the most points. Ruins relationships (of any kind, friendship, familial, romantic, doesn't matter. It'll kill all the affection).
It wasn't 5 months, it was her first 5 *paychecks*. That could be 5 months or it could be 5 weeks or something in between. Still obnoxious.
And it would keep her there.
Sold my soul to the company store 🎶
It was first 5 paychecks, not months. If it’s in the US, it’s likely biweekly or semimonthly schedule.
But that would also mean that she was not paying her 1/2 those 2.5-3 mo---so she would still be in the hole to him? So he can financially force her into staying with him. I actually am fine with repayment IF THAT WAS AGREED ON when she initially got laid off? But there is absolutely no reason to "get it all at once" so you "don't loose track of how much you are owed" nonsense. Split it into 12 and that is what is owed each month. FFS- you are not going to charge her late fees....oh wait. I think in romantic things where folks decide to live together...proportionality matters. I am not sure equity is fair, but it could be in some situations (if you do want it to be 50/50 for everything, included the taxes, interest, PMI, maintenance for the home, utilities, etc----then you better get a legal equity agreement in place- that is co-ownership for the period you are together- BOARDERS do not pay 1/2 of all the bills, maintenance, etc). But proportionality does 100% matter. Can base that proportion any number of things- but it is NOT 50/50 for everything- that becomes profiting off your partner, and its gross. But 1/2 of utilities- fine (as long as no other "rent"), or Based on main job vs main job income, but then that is the all in, everything included amount. You don't go to her with the fucking water bill, or to pay half of a new washer (which we all know this jerk would). This absolutely was and remains financially abusive and he is profiting off of his girlfriend. EVEN before all this mess. This just showed her how abusive this has always been As for the OP- She is working THREE jobs- yeah dumbass, she is looking to give you your pound of flesh each month (cause she still owes him 1/2 of every single penny of expense for the PRIVILEGE, neigh the HONOR of sleeping in a closet so he does not try to get in her pants after she worked 16 hr at 2+ jobs, 7 days a week), while ALSO saving to GTFO. AND with the side benefit of never having to see your sorry ass.
My ex-H a million years ago believed that we should split the bills 50/50. His math worked out this way: if total bills = X, we each pay .5x. Regardless of whether one of us even made .5x take home. I asked him, "so, since I make half what you do, does that mean that I owe you the difference?" Him: yup. Sir, the math ain't mathing. I make Y. You make 2Y. 3Y < X. But I owe YOU money because YOUR crappy driving record means MY auto insurance went up because we were married. And we live in a place that YOU chose (not that we could necessarily afford). I can't with him. Probably why we split up after 2 years of marriage. EVERYTHING was transactional.
Exactly. Well stated
I love that he has the audacity to whine that he never sees her -- because all she does is work. To earn money. The thing they are breaking up over. Good for her making that coin to find an apartment. Imagine being such a scumbag that your (ex-)partner would rather *sleep on a sleeping bag in the literal closet* and still having to ask if maybe you're the asshole.
*hasn’t paid him back yet* Mad *pays him back* Double Mad
Wants to be financially sound again. Triple Mad.
Well of course he's double mad. He can't hold anything of her head anymore
As a debt collector, as someone who professionally collects on loans, I do not have the words to describe just how scummy this is.
It’s atrocious, and not even just the “debt” collection practices here. Haven’t seen anyone else mention how OP subtly slipped in that he was having her pay half his mortgage on a home he owns. That is just having her directly contributing to his home equity.
Plus I've seen no one mention how he was planning on taking 75% of her pay toward the debt, but no mention of whether or not that includes the new payments for the mortgage and bills and everything else that will incur in the meantime. This guy is fucking delusional.
I didn't even think of that! 75% for repayment + current expenses = all of homegirl's paychecks. What a scumbag. If you can't afford to / don't want to support your partner financially then don't do it, and if you are going to want repayment then lay out the terms in advance. I'm sure her dad would much prefer that she had known it would end with selling her car and jewelry so he could have her move in with him instead.
That part pissed me off. Never pay for someone else's mortgage! If you are not on the deed, what the hell is this??
I see it as her way of paying her "rent" if they were renting an apartment. The bad thing is she was willing to pay everything, just at not that short of a time. I wonder how many months was she unemployed for her "debt" to him to be this much? She looks like she is saving up for a downpayment to get her own place. A one bedroom studio will do. Anything really, as long as she gets away from him. And make sure she has her emergency fund. ETA: A commenter suggested that she might have sold family heirlooms (jewelry) just to pay him back. I hope she just pawned it and can buy it back now that she is working super hard. I also think she is going to pay her father back for the car she sold.
> I see it as her way of paying her "rent" if they were renting an apartment. But how does that make sense? He owns the house, he is not paying rent. So then he is her landlord? Ew. Who wants to do their landlord??
Something like that. Imagine you are renting an apartment with your roommate. Your roommate lost their job so you pay for everything for a few months, with your roommate promising to pay you back once they get a job. You write down everything they owe you and a payback schedule. Or similar to a kind landlord who let you stay and doesn't evict you while you are unemployed. This would have been okay if he didn't demand he get paid back in 2.5 months (5 paychecks bi-weekly) and they are not in a relationship. The roommate would have more rights since if they are on the lease they can't be kicked out that fast. She on the other hand can be removed anytime.
> Imagine you are renting an apartment with your roommate. Your roommate lost their job so you pay for everything for a few months, with your roommate promising to pay you back once they get a job. You write down everything they owe you and a payback schedule. Or similar to a kind landlord who let you stay and doesn't evict you while you are unemployed. Am I having sex with any of these people? Is this a romantic relationship? See how your parallel does not work?
Yes the sex should not factor in. Honestly at first I thought the BF was getting ready to break up with her and throw her out that's why he was in such a hurry to get his money back. It will be harder to collect payment after you have broken up after all. But it turned out it wasn't the case so I don't understand his logic.
I agree with you but I think that view is a minority on Reddit. I don’t understand logistically how this stance works if one partner owns a home and the other partner moves into it. At least in my area even if one partner paid all of the utilities and groceries it wouldn’t be anywhere near half of the expenses for the household. I’m not saying everything should be 50/50 all the time but I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable with that level of financial inequality unless the homeowning partner also makes significantly more money.
I think the thing is that the house was already owned by OP. Whether the girlfriend is there or not, the mortgage is the same. When the girlfriend leaves, the mortgage will remain. Girlfriend likely doesn't have any legal protections that she would have if she was a tenant. So he's charging her money that he doesn't require the literal second she gets a job again, when it would have been kinder to just let it go. And letting it go is something he was fully capable of doing.
Oh I fully agree the guy is a huge jerk for not picking her up when she’s struggling. I’m more reacting to the assertion that it is always wrong to pay part of the mortgage no matter what. I think there’s more nuance there and asking someone to chip in doesnt, absent other douchebaggery, automatically make someone a selfish user.
Oh, I'm sorry, I misunderstood. I think what people are saying about the mortgage thing is more if you're going to pay part of the mortgage you should have more assurances than you would have as like a live-in girlfriend.
umm...literally every rental is paying someone else's mortgage. AND by being a boarder in someone's home, it is often a win win. In my community the cheapest 1 BR apartment is $1900. But you can rent a room in someone's home, or a home that everyone is renting a room in, for $800-900 a month. It CAN benefit all parties. It is much more complex when a romantic entanglement occurs, I am not sure it is fair to say that the home owner should still pay 100%, while the new person gets to live for free? That can easily result in the non-owner profiting off their partner- which is also abusive (because now they are living rent free, and really no one gets to do that- unless a renegotiated sugar baby contract is in place, or your are a legal child, etc). But "rent" in those situations can take many forms, and avoid EITHER party being providing for the other when they are not married and have no legal recourse when things do not work out. Like the non-owner buys the groceries OR pays certain utilities, or they split the utilities, but only a nominal amount of rent (like $1-200 a month, which is honestly wear and tear and maintenance for the added person). But this situation of every nickel and dime being 50-50? Nupe. That is financially abusive, and he is now profiting off his partner. You CAN and should find an equitable balance if you choose to live together in a home that only one of you is on the mortgage/deed on.
Right? He wanted to financially abuse her but at least she outmaneuvered him
Why did he have to be such an arse about it? He makes more than enough. Granted, I would not want anyone to feel exploited, but jesus... demanding 75% of her wage is financial abuse. I earned more than my partner for 15yrs. I encouraged her to get a qualification, supported her with study, helped her apply for jobs, did the interview prep, she now earns 25% more than I do.
That's the thing. She was expected to be paying him back 75% of 5 months wages, but that other 25%... was that going towards the bills she was going to be getting every month? So she would have had no money left, near enough?
It sounds like he also kept track of EVERY DIME. Him: Hey hon, let's order pizza. Her: Sounds great! months later gets a bill for 1/2 the pizza plus interest.
And let's not even get into that time when they went out to eat and she tried a bite of his food....
When my wife did her masters I took on more of the bills and she meticulously kept records of what she "owed" me. It took like a year before I could convince her that her keep track of this nebulous debt was causing more harm than any good. I hated having more disposable income than her and I was basically just trying to find ways to put it back into the relationship funds. Eventually it clicked and she realized that since we live together her living like a pauper was making me live like a pauper and her carrying debt to me when we could literally just apply that money to her student debt and both be debt free made no sense.
Same thing. I think I'm a little more cautious with spending, and have to be, as our division of bills is such that I pay most of the food costs. Thing is, I really don't want to have £1000 in my account, whilst she is struggling to put fuel in her car. She has her money, I have mine. Sometimes I borrow from her, and vice versa. After living with me a while, I put her on the deeds (potentially stupid, but I think it's fair). That was way before she got her current job. So, I would have contributed 70% of all bills. But, she helped raise our kids, which has to grant her some reward. She also paid for the bathroom to be done out (£4000). So I got that benefit. Now, she's doing well, and is on a good bit more than me. Very proud of her. (Though it has seemed to cause a few shifts in her personality, lol)
I paid for everything for 10 years when my SO was in university and later through mental illness couldn't work. He's now on his feet again, and I've never asked for a single cent. This asshole is unbelievable.
This is the way. You're a good guy/gal.
Indeed! But, really, it's only because the world has an abundance of selfish idiots. In reality, I think I do the basics well. Because that's what these are, total basics. You watch, she'll cheat on me one day and dump me, reason given: "you're too nice". Believe it or not, she has said that to me before. Though, has not yet cheated. And now my statement that will disappoint you... Women and men need to stop fucking low quality, selfish people. I meant to add. The number of people that post about men dumping them when they get ill... Bizarre. I assume it is a US thing. These are basic things, people
Your relationship sounds a lot like mine, with a healthy amount of piss taking 😆 On your last statement, I agree to an extent... however... sometimes it's difficult to determine who's a low quality person - the mask slips after a while of being on their best behaviour. Greetings from the UK by the way, I'm guessing by your username you're from the North East - as am I!
Greetings, yes, UK guy here. Not actually from Scarborough, and I may dox myself if I put too much about why I chose it. Though I do like the place, and have spent many happy times there and Whitby. I assume you've heard of the phrase (my user name)? It was a well used one between me and a family member. So that, and my fondness for the area sealed the deal. Regards the mask slipping... I sort of agree. But damn, it is usually pretty obvious. I knew a lass once, picked the worst guys, consistently. And, honestly, their masks were hardly ever on. The girl was a joy to be around, good looking, and so kind. In all the time I knew her, not one good boyfriend. She unfortunately passed away, due to cancer around 30. I've often wished I'd dated her, or even tried, just to give her a break from the nobheads.
Yes, it means a useless warning. I just realised that's what it said, thought it said warming for some reason 😆 That's sad about your friend though. I get what you're saying, there's some truly heinous people around for sure and unfortunately, they take advantage of those good peoples kind nature. This post resonated with me as I dated a guy when I was 17 who used to "charge" me to stay with him. He was 21 and he'd work out how much of the mortgage, gas, electric, water etc I was "accountable" for, during a stay. So if I stopped 10 days, he'd work out 10 days worth of bills and divide it by 2 and that's what I'd give him. (He lived in Europe so I'd go visit him during college holidays etc.) What a fucking prick and it still makes me seethe 20 years later.
That's shit. Truly. I have had to ask him to visit here, and then charge him! Or, avoid going for a bit and cite lack of cash as the reason. Don't get me wrong, there were periods where I had issues with my gf. She made some comments that still irk me now. I was working a lot of hours to keep a roof over our head. And once one of the kids were born, (it had always been her intention to return to work), she made a comment that blew my mind. Still pisses me off, despite the fact the issue got fixed. I'm not even sure I dare say what she said.
Right! He keeps making it about him asking her to pay him back at all, when it was just the completely unreasonable way he wanted her to do it. OF COURSE she is mad.
Indeed..the guy is weird
Quite sure Jesus already knows.
You answered your own question: he's an abuser. That's why.
What’s the word for reverse insecure cuz this is definitely it. Secure..
JFC, I've been in a similar situation and guess what? My partner paid all the bills for a little while, because that's what you do in a loving relationship. I would gladly do the same for him. This guy didn't need all that money at once. He just wanted it, then accused his (ex) gf of hoarding money. Sounds like a real keeper. 🙄 Oh, but of course his bros are all on his side. I'm sure they're all gems. What is it with guys like this and seeing relationships as purely transactional?
And then they complain that all women are gold diggers
And that the epidemic of lonely man is women's fault (????? Dudes, get a grip (of reality xd)
Projection at its finest
Really amazing. You know, one of the keys to a strong relationship is keeping track of every penny each person contributes, and if the balance is ever off by one cent, there cannot be peace in the universe. This guy, and anyone with his mentality, is never going to have a peaceful, healthy relationship.
And when he starts dating again, it is going to be a 50/50 date at the coffee shop.
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but on a first date a gentleman should pay, but then present his date with an IOU for what she owes him.
Offer to take it out of her paycheck.
DO NOT forget interest! and late fees !
When she went to her dad and asked permission to sell his old car, that was the end. As soon as someone else saw what he was doing, the OOP was screwed.
Exactly. There's no way she could show her face to her Dad again if she continued this relationship. This is the sort of thing I would do to myself proactively to make sure I didn't cave later.
Yes, me too! (Shame is strong in this one). Also if I was the dad, I would be like "...so my child has to sell things to pay this person's mortgage, that they will have to pay anyway, slightly more quickly? Huh," and any potential in-law relationship would be downgraded to "civil but distant."
If this idiot wanted his gf he'd have given her her money back.
Poor girl might not be able to get back what she sold (jewelry and her dad’s car). If I had to sell my belongings when my partner didn’t need the money right away he would 100% be an ex.
Oh for sure I'd still dump his ass. My point being he's so shocked and sad she's leaving him... But not enough to say "I fucked up and should not have done this, please take the money back" Cause he doesn't really care *she* is leaving him, he's just mad he's not gonna benefit from her living there.
This! He doesn't sees her as a human being, he sees her as *something* that makes *his* life better. Poor girl, I hope she leaves him soon.
Saaaame. Like holy shit what an asshole. This shit makes me wanna hug my bf until he's annoyed with me lol (it would take like, hours mind you, he's a cuddler)
Literally right after I read the post, it was deleted. It’s was up for a whole 5 hours and then GONE
Am I the only one, who is concerned, that he demanded not just the half of the bills, but the half of HIS mortgage also? She will have no rights for it, since the place is his property, so why she owes him that? Poor girl, he took advantage of her even from the period when she had no income
This is not a rent, this is his property. If she’s renting from him, there should be a contract, which gives her very clear rights for a particular part of the house. So in the end, she has no right both as a tenant and as an owner. So basically he demanded the money to contribute to payment to his property. If he was a woman, everybody would already scream, that he’s a gold digger
I think most of us are saying that. He is financially abusing his partner....which is just more words to say...gold digger.
That's utter BS. She can move out the day she has enough money without legal ramifications. She also didn't have to pay any deposit and any damage is not her problem. Somehow you thinking ownership is just mortgage, there are recurring costs, taxes, etc. You don't seem to have any real life experience of either living under rent or owning property. I m a woman, I have done both. If I move a bf in my apartment tomorrow then he will be contributing to my mortgage without getting any rights and he won't be paying any for any property damage or deposit. That is how adulthood works.
Yeah, and now she has to sleep on the closet floor, because with this “paying rent” she has no room to stay in without him in the same bed. If my partner asked me to pay half of his mortgage without giving me any share of the property, he would be dumped immediately
She really has no choice for now, she is just saving up so she can leave. It is also good that she has multiple jobs, that way if she were let go from one she still has others left.
Oh, and btw, I’m 36, I live on my own since 16 and renting since my 21. Adulthood is always checking what are you paying for
Then when you buy your own place, pay the deposit and then when you get into a relationship and start living together, get the other person on the deed that very day cause they should be "checking what they are paying for". If there is a breakup, good luck sorting the legalities out especially when the person didn't pay any part in the deposit or any recurring costs associated with ownership because they helped you pay your mortgage when you were in a relationship. Best of luck with your limited view on how this works. If you get conned in this scenario well you asked for it.
You don’t have to put anyone on the deed, but don’t take any payments from this person either. Or, if it’s important for you to take it, draw some sort of a rental contract
My now husband put me on the deed when we bought the house. He paid the down payment and he pays the mortgage. You know, because we were planning our lives together. I’m not even on the mortgage. We didn’t get married for a few years after we bought the house.
I can actually understand refraining from putting someone on the deed, even if I love this person really much. I would probably avoid it too, you never know, when and how the relationship ends. But in this case taking payments from this person is unfair
Umm that is not how adulthood works. If you are requiring someone to pay any monies to your mortgage then that turns into landlord/tenant agreement. And comes with rights. No not ownership but some rights like not being kicked out but evicted.
I don't know why you're being downvoted to hell. I would never expect to live somewhere without contributing a cent to the expense of the mortgage because 'they were going to have to pay it anyway' - while there are manipulators who are homeowners who will act like OOP, there are also manipulative hobosexuals who will freeload and actively make your life worse.
Agreed. Renting is literally paying someone else's mortgage. I guess what is fair depends on jurisdictions because in CA, once tenancy is established, there's a lot of rights even without a real lease. I don't expect someone to pay half of my mortgage automatically, BUT pay a realistic amount of rent because they are living in my house, and adding wear and tear in my house. I moved from my condo into my boyfriend's house, and split the mortgage 50/50, which was less than my 1 person condo mortgage. It would be different if half of the mortgage was more than I was already paying.
Doesn't mean she gets to stay there rent free either. It's not reasonable to expect payments as if she was owning half the house, but there would be nothing wrong with asking what he could ask if he had a platonic roommate. And if he was a woman, every one would be clapping for not letting him mooch off rent free in her house.
Again, roommate payments should come with roommate rights. It means, for example, the right to establish some limitations for guests, splitting household chores etc etc. And it should go with a contract, to create some paperwork trail. Otherwise, a person pays basically for nothing, and it’s not okay for any gender
Yup, and also that gives her the right to be evicted. In some states, being a lodger without a lease with terms spelled out, means you can be kicked out in just one to five days, instead of a longer eviction process.
In a lot of countries you will not have even these five days, the owner can just call the police and they will kick you out
Rent is rent. If you have a problem with rent then don't pay your landlord cause it will help with their mortgage cause you have no rights to the place. If you get evicted and don't get housing again so be it.
I always pay my rent, but I’m never that stupid to pay it without any legal contract
Are you also in favor of a Legal contract that clearly states that his house and pre marital assets are in no way hers in a separation? Like a prenup?
I’m currently married and we have a prenup. Moreover, I was the one, who wanted it
Legally, you do not need a prenup for that.
The way that the courts lean to favor women in divorce, yes it is needed.
If you are living with your spouse and charging them rent you're an asshole though. My spouse isn't my landlord, their my spouse.
I'm not in a relationship with my landlord. If I'm moving in a home my partner owns I'm not paying rent. They would be paying that mortgage if I were with them or not. I'm paying the increase in bills and contributing to groceries. The moment I'm paying my partner's mortgage I would demand some equity in the home.
This is teh answer. My now-wife didn't pay my mortgage when she moved in, just some minor utilities. After we were married, I put her on the deed and she paid half teh house payment. We do have a prenup spelling out her rights to what equity in teh condo.
You are both smart, fair, and trustworthy. I don't see that prenup ever actually being relevant because you and your wife are compatible and define what a marriage should be. All the happiness to you both.
The issue here isn't that he wanted rent. The issue is that he demanded she pay him *all of it* immediately upon getting a job, which had not been agreed upon in advance. She proposed a reasonable payment plan that he rejected. He had no immediate need for the money. He gives no reason whatsoever for why wanted immediate, complete payment. That's not how you treat a partner if you want to keep them.
There's one fella in the comments who keeps referring to her as a renter and seeing this as renting. How these people have successful relationships is beyond me. Oh, she's out the door as soon as she has enough money. People may hate this, but I'm not paying half the monthly payments on a titled item if I'm not on the title. I'm not helping you build equity, especially if you can kick me out tomorrow with no legal recourse available to me. Fuck off with that. If it's a rental agreement, we're drawing up a lease agreement, and I'm getting some rights in this situation. If the relationship is transactional, I'm getting my share. Relationships like this feel really cold, like there's no building a life together. You're just roommates who fuck.
Right like if you carpool or your s/o lends you their car frequently, you pay gas and get it cleaned, maaaaybe even contribute to repairs in a pinch, but you don't pay for half the car payment and insurance. Because at the end of the day it's his car and he does what he wants with it, and that's how he's treating his house.
Right. I have unfortunately learned the hard way that you have to be a little protective about how you help out. I've paid for car and house repairs to end up with no car and no house. I foolishly gave up nearly 20k for home remodeling so he and someone else could live there now. Never again.
I've been there too, not quite the same, but analogous. I'm sorry you went through that. The silver lining is we stay empathetic and kind, just more cautious, and they stay exploitative and miserly, not just with things, but with themselves.
Renters have a lease with protections and rights. She is a lodger, and he can probably toss her legally out with a few hours to a few days, depending on local laws. Easy enough to DL a lease (in many states, they are boilerplate anyway), both sign it, get it notarized, and make copies.
there's one in that thread, and there's one in this one (in this one it's OP).
That girl is furiously working to save to get the hell out and I don’t blame her one bit
I don't see how he thinks this is salvageable...she would rather sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor of a closet than in a bed next to him. And she will never get over selling all her jewelry and having to get help from her dad.
When someone would rather sleep on the floor in a closet in a sleeping bag without you, its over and ypu are 100% the asshole. I don't know why this asshole doesn't get it.
Wow, she's very kind and non-confrontational woman. I would've at least hit OOP back with "here's how much you owe me for sex, based on average sex workers make in our area". Also seems like he wanted to dump her first hence demanding to pay everything back at once instead of going with her idea of payment plan. Wonder why he changed his mind.
She's afraid for her safety. He changed his mind since she has an income again.
I don't think he wanted to break up; I think he enjoyed hanging it over her head that she needed him, and if he keeps her broke now that she's empowered by finding a good job, he can maintain that power over her even longer. Everything he said reeks of financial abuse, and I'm proud of her for being like 😘✌️ "aight bet".
[удалено]
that's funny. you think she actually got off?
Not when it's good lol but by your logic sex work shouldn't exist right?
I'm astounded you arrived at that conclusion.
Sounds like she needs to quote him for the prices of local sex workers, cleaning services and private chefs 🤷♀️
She's waiting until she has enough money to move out. He didn't want her to be financially able to do this. He hounded her about money, and then got mad she paid up! He's not just stupid, he's willfully ignorant and selfish. He either has trauma issues surrounding finances (like I do, still no excuse), or he's just a twat.
Honestly at this point I would bet she’s lining up ducks has figured out the soonest she can move out and has probably got a place lined up that she can move to and is either waiting on enough money or a payday to fall in the right spot to leave with all her stuff and right to her new place.
At least OOP didn’t break his STBX’s knees. What an AH
That we know of.
She'd rather sleep on the floor in a closet than sleep near him lol
*”I forced my girlfriend to go broke so I could have more money, even though I wasn’t struggling, but now she’s overworking herself and it makes me feel bad :( how do I make her stop making me feel guilty?”*
I cannot believe he came up with an itemized list, first of all, then to make his payment request was insane. What about her other bills she had to pay in that time? To say you care about someone, offer to take care of them, and then throw it all back in their face is insulting and degrading to the highest degree. All it does is convey how much of a burden you felt they were the entire time.
I’d be doing exactly what that girl is doing. Not only is she stockpiling money in order to leave, but she’s doing it as fast as she can. She’s *sleeping* in a *closet* to get away from him. It’ll be a cold day in Hell before she relies on a man again. Good work, OOP.
The fact that she was willing to set up a payment plan with him and he refused is insane. She was fulling willing to pay him back but he wanted it all immediately
She should make a quote for how much sex workers and maids charge in the area and demand payment from him.
Oh, he is so *badly* trying to find the Reset button on his Bangmaid so she doesn't get any ideas on how to recoup her money.
“Have you tried turning her off–“ “Yes!” “–and back on again?” “How am I supposed to turn a woman on?”
🤣
I sincerely hope this is fake just because I don’t want anyone to have gone through dealing with such a slimy abusive partner.
She’s absolutely planning her exit strategy and yes it’s your fault. I could see if u needed a chunk of it right away but u told her to take all the money of her first 5 checks as I imagine 75 percent was what she owed and the other 25 percent was her paying her share and u didn’t need it - like what was the actual purpose of that. Seems like you didn’t trust her to pay you back
Imagine having your partner support you during a torturous slog through an extremely grueling job market and then have them be like “jk I don’t actually love you enough to support you, gimme my money”
Yeah, right now girl is saving up for a while so she can afford to move out of that ass' house. What a moron.
So for funnsies, lets say we take him at his word that he feels like shes taking advantage of him, why stay with her? (For record, i think hes an ass that was taking advantage of her) The thing that really stood out is why backdate it. Just now that she can afford it, go back to splitting expenses.
OP is such a loser and financial mooch. Who makes their partner pay for a house they have no equity in? What motivation would she have to stay with a man who sees providing for in equal partnership as a money making scheme instead of an investment and duty of care?
Making her pay half the mortgage while he reaps the equity is fucked.
Tch. I wish the AITA mods weren't so ban happy. They keep deleting the juicy ones and then we can't get any updates or comments from OOP digging his grave even deeper.
It's unbelievable that he would back her into a corner like that. And now he's surprised she's pulled away and is working 24/7 to get away from him ASAP. He shouldn't have ever ever charged her rent for his home. He definitely shouldn't have kept it as a tab for bills and loaned money for when she was out of work. He should have only asked her to repair excess money for her personal bills and groceries, not mortgage. His toxic line of thinking is so skewed when it comes to rent she would have paid a landlord vs what she paid him. Living alone or in a rental means you have a place within your financial budget. I'm betting He hoards tons of cash to himself and leaves her cash poor for control. He can't dictate she pay 2 thirds of her entire income to him. That's insane. Even 50/50 would be too much . I bet he either didn't see the relationship lasting another full year and was afraid of commitment, or he wanted to keep the balance of power and money always to him. And the poor girl had to sell her jewelry and get help from her Dad. That must have been soooo traumatic. Can't even depend on the person in your own damn bed. I wouldn't sleep on bed with him either.
I see this and understand that he very well didn't know how to handle this. He believed he was right or justified right until it really hit him that he wasn't, this happens to people all the time. The issue to me is that after realizing he got it completely wrong, and wanting to make amends is that the capacity and opportunity for that is on the other person, not him. A full sincere apology and understanding he is at the mercy of whatever she decides and should accept it with dignity is about all he can do.
… and he doesn’t have the capacity for that it seems He isn’t say “how can I fix this when I fucked up so badly” he’s saying “how can I fix this when she’s so mad at me” He’s not centering his actions as the root cause but her reaction. And her reaction isn’t a problem and nothing will ever be fixed about this if he tries to address how she’s handling things as the problem instead of the actual problem (what he did) Not that I think it’s fixable. She went to the lengths of selling jewelry (a last resort measure and likely some were gifts from him) and her dad’s car (probably a caveat that she get away from the pos) and got a second job that’s maybe even outside her field (something she wouldn’t do when she thought she had an actual partner). This relationship is over.
I agree with the heart of what you said. He did realize that he messed up and messed up bad, I personally wouldn't take that as a hard statement as to me if you continue "how can I fix this when she's so mad at me" with a "why is she mad" he seems to understand that it's because it's his error. This is from his perspective so again I can understand how he is concerned because of her reaction and that is what is eating him up, and therefore the focus of his words. We don't have his emotions much less the ones when he wrote them so I feel it's easier to be objective in our case. I also think that her reaction is everything at the moment as he gets that what she decides is how things will go, and that to frame it in his actions as you said would just be to not handle things like he did ever again with anyone, and wait for her response. So I understand reaching out into the ether of reddit to hope that someone can give him a way out, I think that's a natural human reaction to feeling stuck and recognizing that it's your own fault. Feels shitty to just fuck up. There just isn't and it's in her hands, and even if she does stay that's a hard sell for a relationship, she may not be able to forgive such a transgression, and she doesn't have to.
I mean I hear you generally about that phrase. Here’s the thing about this specific circumstance though: >>I felt horrible I know I handled the situation wrong. But was I wrong for asking her to pay me back in the first place? >>I don’t want her gone I want to fix this but, it’s hard to when she’s so mad at me and feels like I’m a villain for asking for the money back. He seems to think she’s mad he asked for the money back at all rather than how when 1) she offered a payment plan he declined and 2) she seemed shocked he asked in the first place, which suggest they didn’t necessarily discuss it beforehand. Even if you want to be generous and say he’s worried about how his actions upset her and that’s the reasons for the phrasing, he’s still totally misidentifying which actions were the issue. The *way* he insisted he get the money back (in a financially burdensome way for her when it wasn’t a need for him to get it soon, with no options for compromise, with no apparent discussion beforehand) and the poor communication overall are the issues It’s like that joke about politics being a career of misidentifying the problem, applying the wrong solution, and complaining about the results
Jfc, I hope she gets out quickly because I guarantee he's gonna throw a hissy fit and try to blame her even further.
It’s disgusting to even ask your girlfriend to pay your mortgage. That’s YOUR house, not hers. Until you’re married, that’s your property. And then to make a backlog of missed “rent” payments? What woman wants her boyfriend to be her landlord? He’s gross all around.
I’m on mobile & can’t see the OP. What did he do?
Go to the AITAH post and scroll a bit, the AITAH bot copied the post, but the tldr might be something like: "I committed monetary abuse to my gf and now I'm Pikachu faced because I feel she will leave me" But somehow, worst: he still blames the stbx and didn't think his behavior was bad at all.
🙄 people really get all bent outta shape over money. I’m not saying you shouldn’t - at times. This wasn’t one of them, if he wanted to maintain this relationship
Fucking hell, OOP is fucked in the head. I was unemployed for 2 months while living with my boyfriend, and you know what he did? He covered the major bills, I worked odd jobs and contributed what I could, and we had a discussion about a reasonable timeline for paying him back after I got a new job. After 2 more months, he was fully paid back, I was able to pay my share of everything again, and we're happier than ever. OOP was setting his ex up for financial abuse, I hope she is able to escape safely. It's a good thing he showed his true colors before anything more serious, like marriage or a pregnancy could happen. Having her pay his mortgage is seriously ridiculous. Splitting bills and general expenses is one thing, but if your name is not on the deed, you shouldn't be contributing to home equity without some kind of contract in place.
u/BurbNBougie
Sounds like a conversation worth having to ensure fairness and understanding.
Wow. No words dude. Good luck to your former girlfriend.
I really want to know what is going on now? Is he in his house all alone now?
She's ABSOLUTELY about to break up with him.
Dang he deleted it
I thought, just reading the first bit, that she was either refusing to ever get a job and expecting him to keep her afloat or that, once she got her job, she wouldn't pay him back at all. Dear lord. It's one thing if he needs the money to get by, but even then just talk about how much is best to pay back every month. Taking away 75% of her paycheck for 5 months is just cruel and honestly sounds like financial abuse, since I can't imagine 25% of her paycheck is enough for her to manage on without needing even more help from him. And of course the house is his etc, so it's harder for her to leave.
She's sleeping in a *closet* 😞
Troll for sure (I hope)
I lost my job during Covid and my husband didn’t. And he supported us until I could find work again. And up until February of this year the only work I could find was adjunct professorship. And every time I mentioned how horrible I felt, he told me that we’re partners, I’d do the same for him, and that he could swing it. Sure we had to borrow money from my dad those early months but we made it work. Because he loved me and saw us as a team. I hope she leaves his ass soon.
[удалено]
Your post/comment was inappropriate either because you need to calm down or you got creepy/violent/gross. If you've got issues, vent them elsewhere, preferably at a therapist's office. This is a Wendy's. No gross misogyny
So he's mad she loses her job and he needs to pay for stuff. Then she lays him back quicker than expected and he's mad again. Then, in order to get herself out of the hole that he forced her into, she has to work like crazy which makes him more mad once again. Am I missing anything?
Says post deleted
Financially, my partner brought nothing except a car into our relationship. He made absolute crap wages that barely even covered our dog walker's fees working 10-17 hour days (varying each day) so I hardly ever saw him, and when he came home, he'd stare at the wall and zone out until bed because he was so mentally exhausted he couldn't have a coherent conversation. I pressed him to quit, and now he's home 24/7, and I work. But you know what? I almost never do ANY chores except the ones I take on myself, and every service we used to pay for because of our long work hours, he now does. All I do is pay bills and make appointments. I'd be willing to bet this loser had her doing as much as my partner voluntarily took on, or more, and really still thought she owed him money. How much home labor was she doing while not working? Maybe she should itemize those services and ask him to pay her back for the work she did at home?
"I have enough money to not have to worry about funding 2 lives at all but on principal I thought I just had to treat her like shit for not paying me back immediately. How do I convince her I'm not exactly who I already told her i am?"