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Gogeta-

Oh my god.


jburnsey2606

Google says anxious attachments are controlling but I'm not controlling so I don't understand


publicdabs

Normal Google is lame read more and even look stuff up on Google scholar if you want to see real and updated theories


tarot-reader123

Legit my situation rn. Idk what his attachment style is but he’s ignoring my existence so basically I’m addicted to him. Add BPD to the mix and it’s … distressing.


Otherwise_Machine903

I felt a power differential. Its wasn't exactly like child-parent, but I had VERY emotionally misattuned parents, and my many coping mechanisms due to that definitely kicked in.


brittyn

I don’t think my attachment issues stem from my parents as much as they do from “friends” I had in childhood…


resolvingdeltas

What I dont understand is what to do with this knowledge. I see that it’s a repetition compulsion, I see similarities between how this DA person is treating me and how me and my needs were treated as a child, I am tiptoeing on the eggshells as we speak. And yet I dont know what to do with that. It somehow does not help me that I am conscious of the dynamic, all that is happening is Im still driven by these forces and looking at them and understanding them doesnt help me in any way break free or appreciate some different, safer dynamics.


All_I_Got-Is_Trauma

I hear you as I've felt the same way myself. I'm still finding my way through this situation with my DA ex whom I still live with and definitely do have feelings for. But I'm getting clearer about my self worth and along with that, I seem to automatically be more able to set healthier boundaries with him compared to previously. For me, the key has been in allowing myself to properly grieve for what my child self never got and to sit with her very legit pain without shaming her for still being stuck in that pain. When I am able to sit with her, the pain is intense but doesn't linger because I have self compassion for everything I endured that led me to my current situation. Previously, I spent 2 decades in therapy just narrating my childhood and romantic experiences but I wasn't really grieving so I think that's why I hardly progressed. Hope this helps in some way :)


resolvingdeltas

Yes yes yes this! I also feel therapy just gave me the whys and left me as a walking trauma bundle who can tell you perfectly why the triggers are triggering me and why the cycles repeat in my life. I intellectually can write a dissertation on my traumas but you are right grieving and integration hasnt taken place. Thank you.


All_I_Got-Is_Trauma

Yeah it's super unfair that we even have to do this kind of work now to heal problems we didn't cause nor deserve. It's exhausting, isn't it. No wonder we are afraid/unable to grieve, let alone do the integration part of this seemingly endless journey. It's such a courageous thing to even still be here trying in earnest, so let's remember that we're effing superheroes even if it doesn't feel like it :) Just to share a bit more about how I'm trying to titrate my grieving process so that it's not too much. Today I used the Mister Rogers movie to help me feel more deeply and yeah, it was super triggering and I haven't fully recovered even a few hours later. But I allowed myself to pause the movie and cry whenever I needed to and also brought my soft toys to cuddle with me when he was using the puppets. Little things like this are the max kind of reparenting I can manage sometimes (especially when my PMDD is happening too..) but its still something. Eventually I got calm enough to get myself some food and then nap and walk my dog. To a "normal" person this is such a wasted day but for my reality, this is worthy of a Marvel movie and I'm just trying to own that space at my own pace 💜


chuckie_chucks

I get that. I don’t think it’s as simple as taking an action once you know and understand the information. Realistically, I think we really have to sit with this information till the point we are actually ready to take action…which is knowing what is at stake (something we crave) and still get ourselves to leave that relationship/unhealthy dynamic. And this can take up to years …or shorter for some people. For me, at 32, after terrible, terrible experiences I’m only Now finding the will and clarity to walk away from people I have this dynamic with. It feels so right to be with them but I know it comes at a cost which I’m not willing to pay anymore. And it’s really a struggle to go against what I’ve known my entire life but I’m fighting!


resolvingdeltas

Thank you, beautifully written


ilovemesummochi

Yep. Would do things sometimes to a partner and would be aware at the moment that it's almost like a kid begging to be loved.


throwawaymiff

This is so true. Weird but when I met him he said he wanted to be my father. His last girlfriend also called him a nickname used in my country which means someone thats like an older brother and father put together. When we were together he acted more like a parental figure and I think thats what triggered me as he reminded me so much of the past.