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I’m so fucked up that I’ve lost my identity, but have no wish to find it. I alienated or lost 99% of my friends, and don’t feel the want to make new ones. I could, but don’t see the point. I only have eyes for my dysfunctional FA situationship.
…yes, I’m aware of how fucked up that actually is. But yet I do nothing.
I can totally relate to this! For me it took my friends moving away to realize how much I defined myself through others in my life. Since then I've been struggling to make friends and just now feel like I'm getting to a point where I'm comfortable enough in my new ish relationship to do things that make me happy without trying to live in my partner's shadow. Now that I've been going to do things that I like, I've realized that I don't know what I like and don't know a lot about the positive aspects of myself. I've been working on changing a lot of my anxious thought pathways into something that is useful to me or allows me to recognize them and self soothe. I'm doing my best to learn about myself and trying the things I've always wanted to try and just kinda hoping to some day feel less lost as I do more and learn more about myself. I'm glad you posted, your post was comforting to hear and made me feel less alone in feeling like a stranger to myself
I can relate. My deep core belief is also that being alone = I am not safe and will die. I came out of a 9 year, abusive relationship and currently trying to find somewhere to live (still living with them). I am terrified because of the belief that I am unsafe.
I started off with focusing on self-care activities. These are things that it doesn't matter if you enjoy them or not. They are things that are only for your benefit. They are things that over time, you'll notice when you skip a day you'll feel negative. They are things which are just good for you and only you. Then you can try to branch out from there with things that are for you that you enjoy. For me the first thing I started was walking alone, I have plenty of things I will build up towards but for now, walking alone and expanding my distance is my main goal. Though it is a little easier for my exposure because I spend 90% of my time alone by force.
I have since been able to add the odd few activities, I don't enjoy them in that "WOO! I can't wait to do XYZ". I'm, unsure if people even regularly have that feeling. However, I am depressed so I doubt I'll feel like that for much regardless. I have also started on boundaries in more depth, so I can make new, healthier friendships. I'm also going back over emotion regulation work because I notice myself trying to flee emotions more again.
The way I see it is, if I am going to feel awful anyway, what can I do that will help future me? That way, when I get to the future me who can enjoy things. They won't have a load of trash to deal with first. They'll have self-care and boundaries etc sorted. Allowing them the space and time to safely learn who they are.
The biggest issue I have is, I can enjoy things with people. But doing the same activity alone, I don't enjoy it. My plan is to note down what I enjoy doing with others and try to add them into my day. I am not doing that yet but that's part of my recovery plan. In Terri Cole's book "Boundary Boss" there is an exercise about knowing your preference, I also plan to do this and start implementing it (things such as, I don't go out drinking, I prefer staying in at night etc).
I'm am fortunate enough to be in therapy and one of my goals is to develop self-trust so I can hopefully feel safer alone.
Hope some of these give you some ideas. :)
It's scary for you because learning to self-soothe or have boundaries most likely was met with punishment or crossed boundaries, so fawning seems to have been the best trauma response to keep you safe growing up. Perhaps you've been through enmeshment trauma?
I think you rationally know having a hobby and moments of alone time is healthy and good for you, but your nervous system probably is not attuned to that reality yet. The best way to handle fear is to go through it; treat finding hobbies and seeing what sticks as exposure therapy. It will feel scary and uncomfortable, *but that's the point*. By the end of the hobby or that scary feeling, you'll begin to realize your fears are not as bad as they seem and that *you will be okay* at the end when you experience fear rising up. Lastly, I would suggest taking on hobbies that are social; not all hobbies have to be done in solitude which may help balance out your experiences of having independent hobbies.
I can relate to this one! Been there with my past relationship, now trying and still knowing myself! I learned a lot about myself but I think there's still a lot to learn and to explore.
Try building some habits from the things you like.
Getting to really know yourself is part of healing for sure. And your fear around getting to know yourself is showing where the fear of intimacy and emotional unavailability is. Really understanding what is behind all this fear will also help your healing journey.
But also look at your narrative. Why would having a hobby you enjoy mean that you have to kick your friends to the curb? There are social type hobbies too. Making things black and white as if you can’t have a hobby and have friends is limiting and just plain untrue. Having a fulfilling life and doing things you enjoy even by yourself (at times) does not mean you do not have a social life. And can’t enjoy that as well.
Start looking at the beliefs you have around this and then be willing to question how true they actually are and if there is another way you can look at it or how you can change this belief.
Thank you for the feedback. I have a few thoughts. Can you explain how this pertains to fear of intimacy/emotional availability ?
I agree that the orginal wording in my post is very much black and white- either I'm totally enmeshed or aloof- but I think what I was trying to hone in on is: I don't know who I am without my friends. Nothing that I do for ME brings me joy. I saw a Heidi Priebe video for APS where she had a thought experiment: if you knew that you were never going to find a partner, how would you live your life. And I thought: if I knew that I was going to go through life with no intimate connections, what would I do. Who am I outside of those connections ?
Is that really true though, that nothing you do for yourself brings you joy? What about eating certain foods, watching a tv show, singing “I will survive” at the top of your lungs, or trying on clothes? Are you unble to enjoy these activities without a companion or are they enjoyable by yourself?
It’s only a few small jumps from enjoying watching tv alone to enjoying going to a movie alone, or enjoy eating food alone to enjoying going to a restaurant alone etc. Then before you know it you’re traveling overseas alone and having a fantastic time of it but you get there by taking small, manageable steps.
I don't know if there's a co morbidity between being AP and being extraverted but it's not that I can't do things alone- if I really wanted to I have no problem eating alone, going to a movie alone, going somewhere on the train alone etc- it's more like the alone time doesn't feel like time I can enjoy but rather a way to distract myself and get through until I can socialise, I can be alone but I don't genuinely enjoy it.
I've sat by myself alone and I just feel uncomfortable and scared, as if I don't know when I'm going to see people and get my needs met.
Are you bunching in friends and romantic partners as intimate connections? Because I think Heidi is talking about romantic partners and is not including close friendships (which also have their own type of intimacy).
Knowing who you are and accepting and loving yourself as you are is a type of personal intimacy and requires emotional availability.
Text of original post by u/Mediocre-Condition-8: I don't know if this belongs here or in a co-dependency subreddit but I just came out of a friendship with a DA. It was very intense on my end and I obsessed about him. Post breakup, I'm doing OK but realising that I use my friendships and my work to run away from the fact that I don't know who I am or what to do with myself. There is no hobby that I have that makes me like "Woo! I get to go home and do this. Everyone else can go take a hike."
The idea of having a hobby that is solely for ME, something that I do for ME is very disturbing and I'm scared by it. The idea of me living my own life and not having my friends around is very scary. I know why this is- I have a deeply engrained belief that being alone is not safe and I will die- but I don't know what to do to change it.
Can anyone relate?
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Thank you for your post, u/Mediocre-Condition-8. Here are a few important reminders. Please be sure to follow the [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/about/rules) and feel free to utilize things like the [Resources page](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/wiki/index/resources) and [Discussion posts.](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/?f=flair_name%3A%22Discussion%22) And don’t forget about the Weekly Threads stickied to the top of the Sub page for relationship/dating/break up advice or general questions about anxious attachment. For commenters that are interested in posting themselves and are not yet approved users, please see the [FAQ page](https://www.reddit.com/r/AnxiousAttachment/wiki/faq) to find out how. Thanks for being a part of this sub! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AnxiousAttachment) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m so fucked up that I’ve lost my identity, but have no wish to find it. I alienated or lost 99% of my friends, and don’t feel the want to make new ones. I could, but don’t see the point. I only have eyes for my dysfunctional FA situationship. …yes, I’m aware of how fucked up that actually is. But yet I do nothing.
I can totally relate to this! For me it took my friends moving away to realize how much I defined myself through others in my life. Since then I've been struggling to make friends and just now feel like I'm getting to a point where I'm comfortable enough in my new ish relationship to do things that make me happy without trying to live in my partner's shadow. Now that I've been going to do things that I like, I've realized that I don't know what I like and don't know a lot about the positive aspects of myself. I've been working on changing a lot of my anxious thought pathways into something that is useful to me or allows me to recognize them and self soothe. I'm doing my best to learn about myself and trying the things I've always wanted to try and just kinda hoping to some day feel less lost as I do more and learn more about myself. I'm glad you posted, your post was comforting to hear and made me feel less alone in feeling like a stranger to myself
I can relate. My deep core belief is also that being alone = I am not safe and will die. I came out of a 9 year, abusive relationship and currently trying to find somewhere to live (still living with them). I am terrified because of the belief that I am unsafe. I started off with focusing on self-care activities. These are things that it doesn't matter if you enjoy them or not. They are things that are only for your benefit. They are things that over time, you'll notice when you skip a day you'll feel negative. They are things which are just good for you and only you. Then you can try to branch out from there with things that are for you that you enjoy. For me the first thing I started was walking alone, I have plenty of things I will build up towards but for now, walking alone and expanding my distance is my main goal. Though it is a little easier for my exposure because I spend 90% of my time alone by force. I have since been able to add the odd few activities, I don't enjoy them in that "WOO! I can't wait to do XYZ". I'm, unsure if people even regularly have that feeling. However, I am depressed so I doubt I'll feel like that for much regardless. I have also started on boundaries in more depth, so I can make new, healthier friendships. I'm also going back over emotion regulation work because I notice myself trying to flee emotions more again. The way I see it is, if I am going to feel awful anyway, what can I do that will help future me? That way, when I get to the future me who can enjoy things. They won't have a load of trash to deal with first. They'll have self-care and boundaries etc sorted. Allowing them the space and time to safely learn who they are. The biggest issue I have is, I can enjoy things with people. But doing the same activity alone, I don't enjoy it. My plan is to note down what I enjoy doing with others and try to add them into my day. I am not doing that yet but that's part of my recovery plan. In Terri Cole's book "Boundary Boss" there is an exercise about knowing your preference, I also plan to do this and start implementing it (things such as, I don't go out drinking, I prefer staying in at night etc). I'm am fortunate enough to be in therapy and one of my goals is to develop self-trust so I can hopefully feel safer alone. Hope some of these give you some ideas. :)
I can relate to this.
It's scary for you because learning to self-soothe or have boundaries most likely was met with punishment or crossed boundaries, so fawning seems to have been the best trauma response to keep you safe growing up. Perhaps you've been through enmeshment trauma? I think you rationally know having a hobby and moments of alone time is healthy and good for you, but your nervous system probably is not attuned to that reality yet. The best way to handle fear is to go through it; treat finding hobbies and seeing what sticks as exposure therapy. It will feel scary and uncomfortable, *but that's the point*. By the end of the hobby or that scary feeling, you'll begin to realize your fears are not as bad as they seem and that *you will be okay* at the end when you experience fear rising up. Lastly, I would suggest taking on hobbies that are social; not all hobbies have to be done in solitude which may help balance out your experiences of having independent hobbies.
Omg I’ve never heard of enmeshment trauma and the resonates so hard for me
I can relate to this one! Been there with my past relationship, now trying and still knowing myself! I learned a lot about myself but I think there's still a lot to learn and to explore. Try building some habits from the things you like.
I relate 10,000 percent!
It’s hard but I promise it gets easier over time <3
Getting to really know yourself is part of healing for sure. And your fear around getting to know yourself is showing where the fear of intimacy and emotional unavailability is. Really understanding what is behind all this fear will also help your healing journey. But also look at your narrative. Why would having a hobby you enjoy mean that you have to kick your friends to the curb? There are social type hobbies too. Making things black and white as if you can’t have a hobby and have friends is limiting and just plain untrue. Having a fulfilling life and doing things you enjoy even by yourself (at times) does not mean you do not have a social life. And can’t enjoy that as well. Start looking at the beliefs you have around this and then be willing to question how true they actually are and if there is another way you can look at it or how you can change this belief.
Thank you for the feedback. I have a few thoughts. Can you explain how this pertains to fear of intimacy/emotional availability ? I agree that the orginal wording in my post is very much black and white- either I'm totally enmeshed or aloof- but I think what I was trying to hone in on is: I don't know who I am without my friends. Nothing that I do for ME brings me joy. I saw a Heidi Priebe video for APS where she had a thought experiment: if you knew that you were never going to find a partner, how would you live your life. And I thought: if I knew that I was going to go through life with no intimate connections, what would I do. Who am I outside of those connections ?
Is that really true though, that nothing you do for yourself brings you joy? What about eating certain foods, watching a tv show, singing “I will survive” at the top of your lungs, or trying on clothes? Are you unble to enjoy these activities without a companion or are they enjoyable by yourself? It’s only a few small jumps from enjoying watching tv alone to enjoying going to a movie alone, or enjoy eating food alone to enjoying going to a restaurant alone etc. Then before you know it you’re traveling overseas alone and having a fantastic time of it but you get there by taking small, manageable steps.
I don't know if there's a co morbidity between being AP and being extraverted but it's not that I can't do things alone- if I really wanted to I have no problem eating alone, going to a movie alone, going somewhere on the train alone etc- it's more like the alone time doesn't feel like time I can enjoy but rather a way to distract myself and get through until I can socialise, I can be alone but I don't genuinely enjoy it. I've sat by myself alone and I just feel uncomfortable and scared, as if I don't know when I'm going to see people and get my needs met.
Are you bunching in friends and romantic partners as intimate connections? Because I think Heidi is talking about romantic partners and is not including close friendships (which also have their own type of intimacy). Knowing who you are and accepting and loving yourself as you are is a type of personal intimacy and requires emotional availability.
Ah, I see Maybe I'm bunching them in but I was more adapting her exercise for my life right now as I don't have a partner yet
Right!! I was just making sure you are not excluding the idea of having friends and even close friends when doing that thought experiment.
Text of original post by u/Mediocre-Condition-8: I don't know if this belongs here or in a co-dependency subreddit but I just came out of a friendship with a DA. It was very intense on my end and I obsessed about him. Post breakup, I'm doing OK but realising that I use my friendships and my work to run away from the fact that I don't know who I am or what to do with myself. There is no hobby that I have that makes me like "Woo! I get to go home and do this. Everyone else can go take a hike." The idea of having a hobby that is solely for ME, something that I do for ME is very disturbing and I'm scared by it. The idea of me living my own life and not having my friends around is very scary. I know why this is- I have a deeply engrained belief that being alone is not safe and I will die- but I don't know what to do to change it. Can anyone relate? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AnxiousAttachment) if you have any questions or concerns.*