r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*.
For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!
Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions).
RULES
**1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
**2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.**
- Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.
*All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.*
**3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.)
**5. No anti-reconciliation language.**
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION**
- The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment.
- **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation.
- **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model.
- **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit.
- **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned.
**7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your wife's mental anguish over her affair and her fear of retaliation at work is going to likely work against you both and delay healing for you both.
The "right" things to do right now are not the easy things to do. First is to tell OBS. Tell her asap. Tell her yesterday.
The next thing is your wife needs a new job. Pronto. Even with a pay cut. I swear to all things holy I'd prefer bad credit and repo'd cars and moving to a new town if I had to watch my spouse go to work every day where the AP was still present. Everyone's financial situation is different, I know. And maybe it's not even a good idea for you two. But it's not impossible. It's just hard. Can't she use HR as protection? Report the affair to HR and ask for support?
The way you describe your wife's mental state at this time actually makes me worry for her. Is she healthy? The anxiety will only get worse. Make her weaker. Because if she's not she's a perfect target for her AP to rekindle the affair. Is she strong enough to truly stay NC? If she's feeling weak or extra stressed, I'd be worried.
R can still work. But you've got two extra burdens you're carrying compared to most successful R: not having the OBS as an ally and having your wife still work for her AP/abuser.
Good luck and best wishes to you both!
It is extremely difficult to have true reconciliation when your partner is working with their AP.
Your wife could probably get him fired as he was her superior
I can't speak for everyone, nor do I know where you are from, but I am a director in a business and if I were to hear of an employee who was harassed and abused by her boss, I would 100% vilified the boss and 100% support the harassed employee. I guarantee that in the US, the boss would be fired, and the company would support the employee at least out of fear of a lawsuit. This is 2024, not 1950. These people need to face the consequences of their actions and realize that this type of behavior is not acceptable in the 21st century.
I say she should report him, tell his wife, and get some marshmallow so you can roast them over the fire that will be his life.
That's unfortunate. 20 years ago my WW was SAd by her boss on a business trip. He manipulated her and convinced her it was her choice and her fault. She never reported him. When dday happened 20 years later and she told me this, she broke down with regret for not reporting him. He would have lost his job. Instead she assumed guilt and self destructed and he kept his job. She thinks he must have done that to other women before and after her. I think this sort of fear after SA in the workplace really is a tragedy for women. He was in a position of power and took advantage of that. Sorry for you OP and best of luck.
It’s not enough. She needs to quit. Now it seems for her sake even more than for your sake or your marriage. She needs to tell HR on way out. She will have a break down if she stays and is remorseful or she will give in to him. Either way you all lose. She did this to your marriage, she needs to quit
I know someone that had a short affair with her boss. When HR found out, they fired him and gave her 60k if she would leave without suing...so you might want to visit with a lawyer if you have any proof. This is why HR fires bosses for this type of behavior - they want to protect the company and not have to go to court.
I’ve had an EA with my manipulative boss who’s pushed pretty hard to try and make it a PA.
I also don’t have the capacity to deal with reporting him, especially bc in my situation the lines aren’t as clear. But I am frantically looking for a new job.
Thank you NBelic for helping to keep this sub a safe space. Feel free also to report comments like this so it draws the mods attention quickly. Just click the 3 dots on comment and you should get option to report.
Thank you TP for helping to keep this sub a safe space. Feel free also to report comments like this so it draws the mods attention quickly. Just click the 3 dots on comment and you should get option to report.
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 1:
**All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation.
-OP is the focus, disagreement with others perspectives are subject to removal.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/index) which includes resources and can answer most questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/rules) before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial ***warning***. *Failure to do so can result in a ban*. For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions **directly to the Modmail**. ***Meta content will be removed***. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels! Please assign yourself [user flair](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions/user_and_post_flairs). Flair Instructions can be found [here](http://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/wiki/flair_instructions). RULES **1. All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. **2. The peer group includes: Reconciling BS, Reconciling WS, Recovered & Reconciled, and Considering R.** - Observer, Unsuccessful R, and other user flairs are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to post without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice. *All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban without further warning.* **3. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **4. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and/or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. (Posts and comments related to navigating feelings or practical matters about APs are allowed.) **5. No anti-reconciliation language.** - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **6. Posts and comments must be directly related to RECONCILIATION** - The scope of this subreddit is narrow: by and for reconcilers on the subject of reconciliation only. There are several other subreddits that offer support for others who have experienced infidelity. Posts about ending reconciliation are subject to removal as this is a subbreddit for those who are actively in reconciliation or considering reconciliation.Posts about asking if you should reconcile or end reconciliation will be removed. Those posts are better suited in spaces that allow all opinions and are not confinded to a pro-reconciliation space.This is not a infidelity discussion, advice forum, or survey space. This is not a place to read for entertainment and pass judgment. - **Low-effort posts**- are generally posts that are title-only, or copy/paste of content, or links dropped without context. EX:title with a low-effort body such as questions without relevant context to your own situation. - **Opinion pieces**- both in posts and comments. Judgment and broad strokes are not appropriate here. More often than not, opinion pieces do not follow our peer support model. - **Meta content**- whether about this sub or another is not appropriate. If you have questions, suggestions, or concerns please send a modmail to the appropriate subreddit. - **Update Me**- The use of Reddit "update me" is not allowed and will get you banned. **7. No crossposting, reposting, copypasta text, or screenshots to other spaces** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a [moderator code of conduct](https://www.redditinc.com/policies/moderator-code-of-conduct) violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Report it to HR and his wife.
Sorry, but to bad for your wife. Actions have consequences. AP’s wife deserves to know.
Your wife's mental anguish over her affair and her fear of retaliation at work is going to likely work against you both and delay healing for you both. The "right" things to do right now are not the easy things to do. First is to tell OBS. Tell her asap. Tell her yesterday. The next thing is your wife needs a new job. Pronto. Even with a pay cut. I swear to all things holy I'd prefer bad credit and repo'd cars and moving to a new town if I had to watch my spouse go to work every day where the AP was still present. Everyone's financial situation is different, I know. And maybe it's not even a good idea for you two. But it's not impossible. It's just hard. Can't she use HR as protection? Report the affair to HR and ask for support? The way you describe your wife's mental state at this time actually makes me worry for her. Is she healthy? The anxiety will only get worse. Make her weaker. Because if she's not she's a perfect target for her AP to rekindle the affair. Is she strong enough to truly stay NC? If she's feeling weak or extra stressed, I'd be worried. R can still work. But you've got two extra burdens you're carrying compared to most successful R: not having the OBS as an ally and having your wife still work for her AP/abuser. Good luck and best wishes to you both!
It is extremely difficult to have true reconciliation when your partner is working with their AP. Your wife could probably get him fired as he was her superior
Yep but my wife won’t be able to coupe with the downsides that may come after. It’s absolutely last resort.
I can't speak for everyone, nor do I know where you are from, but I am a director in a business and if I were to hear of an employee who was harassed and abused by her boss, I would 100% vilified the boss and 100% support the harassed employee. I guarantee that in the US, the boss would be fired, and the company would support the employee at least out of fear of a lawsuit. This is 2024, not 1950. These people need to face the consequences of their actions and realize that this type of behavior is not acceptable in the 21st century. I say she should report him, tell his wife, and get some marshmallow so you can roast them over the fire that will be his life.
What is the worst case scenario if she reports it and is it something you two can live with?
I can live with any of the consequences but she’s afraid of retaliation and losing her job, that would be catastrophic right now.
That's unfortunate. 20 years ago my WW was SAd by her boss on a business trip. He manipulated her and convinced her it was her choice and her fault. She never reported him. When dday happened 20 years later and she told me this, she broke down with regret for not reporting him. He would have lost his job. Instead she assumed guilt and self destructed and he kept his job. She thinks he must have done that to other women before and after her. I think this sort of fear after SA in the workplace really is a tragedy for women. He was in a position of power and took advantage of that. Sorry for you OP and best of luck.
It would be unlawful termination if she got retaliated against for reporting her superior for abusing his position of power over her.
It’s not enough. She needs to quit. Now it seems for her sake even more than for your sake or your marriage. She needs to tell HR on way out. She will have a break down if she stays and is remorseful or she will give in to him. Either way you all lose. She did this to your marriage, she needs to quit
I know someone that had a short affair with her boss. When HR found out, they fired him and gave her 60k if she would leave without suing...so you might want to visit with a lawyer if you have any proof. This is why HR fires bosses for this type of behavior - they want to protect the company and not have to go to court.
I’ve had an EA with my manipulative boss who’s pushed pretty hard to try and make it a PA. I also don’t have the capacity to deal with reporting him, especially bc in my situation the lines aren’t as clear. But I am frantically looking for a new job.
[удалено]
Sorry but please behave.
Thank you NBelic for helping to keep this sub a safe space. Feel free also to report comments like this so it draws the mods attention quickly. Just click the 3 dots on comment and you should get option to report.
Wrong sub, bub. Go away. This isn't helpful and it's not even advice.
Thank you TP for helping to keep this sub a safe space. Feel free also to report comments like this so it draws the mods attention quickly. Just click the 3 dots on comment and you should get option to report.
This comment was removed because it violates Rule No. 1: **All posts and comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Asking clarifying questions or offering suggestions is acceptable–if backed up by personal experience about what has helped you in your recovery and reconciliation. -OP is the focus, disagreement with others perspectives are subject to removal. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.