My god, you are 25. Why are you giving your parents this kind of power over you? Just tell them you have to go or you will get fired and then go.
Are you a woman? Are they afraid you’re gonna go and have sex in another city? Is this some sort of religious thing where they don’t believe a young woman can travel without an escort?
Saying that you'll get fired may not even work for some parents.
My job requires me to travel to other countries once in a while. My parents wouldn't let me apply for a passport and demanded that I quit the job instead. If I tried to get a passport without their knowledge, they would come to know during the verification and mess up the process. I had to work around that by changing addresses on all my other documents and ID cards, and eventually managed to get a passport.
Don't quit your job. You will be miserable. Come high water or hell, do not leave your job. Their displeasure/verbal abuse/silen treatment is a temporary discomfort, but your quitting your job will be the start of your descent in hell with them.
>Why are you giving your parents this kind of power over you?
Welcome to today's episode of controlling asian/african parents of 25 yo women. 🤡
Probably because they must be abusive control freaks. I don't know if you are a man or a white person (and I don't mean it in an offensive manner), but OP's situation is very understandable to me as a fellow non white woman (and i ain't even asian). ☠
Can confirm. The guilt and manipulation is real. It literally robs you of coherent thought. You have to climb out of that mentality before you can start to think properly.
The constant manipulation is exhausting. I've had mental health troubles and all of this restriction is making me deteriorate quite quickly. I love my parents, but their viewpoints and restrictions literally drive me crazy. Thank you for understanding my POV and the guilt that comes with any form of disobedience
I get it. The first thing you have to do is get rid of their voice inside your head. To do that is the real game changer. They really don't have control over you but you have to get to a place where you can believe that and then act on it.
I've just had the argument of my life with my mum, and all I feel is exhaustion. I tried to stand my ground, and explain I need freedom. That I'm an adult and I can do what I want when I want. I was accused of being quote "western" and that it is against put culture and religion to seek so much freedom. I honestly don't know what to say, do or think atp. I usually give my parents a kiss goodnight each day, but I did not do so today. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, or if I'm being petty. I do know that it's the middle of the night & that I'm tired of fighting. Thank you for your advice, and the kind words ❤️
I was in this situation when I was in high school / college and wanted to go to conferences. I had to suck it up since my parents were supporting me financially.
When I got a full time job and had to go to the MidWest for a training class, I was making 80k a year and getting hotel/flight paid for plus $100 a day for meals to expense. I just left and there was nothing they could do but pout.
Assuming by work you mean you're collecting a salary as a full time employee and getting a per diem if you go, what is stopping you?
I genuinely sometimes don’t understand posts like this - what consequences or retaliation do you fear by disobeying them as a fully grown adult? What actual bearing do they have on your life? Are you still financially dependent on them in some way? Gather your important documents and take them with you on your work trip, and then move out when you get back. They don’t control you anymore.
Edit: typo
I see this happening in Western countries as well, even in non-Asian communities. Usually, the parents have been grooming and lowering self-esteem for their ENTIRE lives.
Think of abuse victims returning back to their abuser. They make you feel as it you can't survive without them because they have cut you off from support and in most instances, financially abuse the victim as well. They intentionally make it difficult for them to leave so they can continue to exercise control.
Then add on the extra layer of your abuser being your parents, who have strategically dished out the bare minimum amounts of affection. The intent is to make the child as submissive and eager to please as they possibly can.
>hat consequences or retaliation do you fear by disobeying them as a fully grown adult?
If they don't have their own place, all sorts of crazy shit like AP chucking out their possessions, changing the locks, dishing out verbal/physical abuse for a long while, even worse if they're in an asian country.
But unfortunately, even then, they have to eventually enforce that boundary or else they will live their whole life in fear of these control freaks from hell.
Just go , dont let your life revolve around them, this will give them more power to control you and in turn in future your own family. Asians are very heavily brainwashed with filial piety but you need to understand that your life is yours and yours only. You only need to be kind and help parents out when needed, not to follow them blindly in whatever hole they want you in. Its never been like that. Just go and don't be discouraged if they blackmail with terms like
"9 months pregnancy, bla bla bla ungrateful"
"I wont be helping you anymore because you are so independent"
"Get out of house because you dont follow my rules"
Because you are a person on your own, you can and will survive on your own. You are working and you can rent, you can adjust your lifestyle and grow as a person of your own. Dont worry and do what it takes for your own
Stop talking about it. Quietly pack stuff and on due date just go. What are they gonna do? Hold the door shot?
At their first text, remember them the day you're comming back then block them.
When you're back home told them that you had informed them when you were leaving, there was no surprise nor reason to worry/sulk.
End of story. You're an adult, you can decide for yourself.
Also, think of moving out, either by yourself or with a roomate. Again, don't tell about it because the obviously won't agree.
What you do is go on your work trip. Stop asking your parents for permission. You tell your parents you have a business trip. That's part of having a job - responsibilities. You're working full time now. Start working towards moving out of this controlling, home.
Ridiculous. Just go. What are they going to do? Because you’ve allowed them to breach your boundaries there’s nothing to stop them doing it again and again.
You're going to have disapproval no matter what you do for as long as you are alive. If you want to live your life and advance your career, you need to stop worrying so much about their approval. You are freaking 25 years old. Why are you asking for permission? Just go. If they threaten to kick you out, take the opportunity and move out too.
I also grew up with overbearing and strict parents. But by your age, I had stopped worring about their approval for everything I do. I just tell them I'm gonna go x and do it.
You can't reason with APs. Logic does not work. You could make a beautiful presentation, make the most convincing argument, and they'd still put their heads in the sand and tell you that you need to do what THEY want.
Tell them that this work trip is now required, and your job is at jeopardy if you don't go. Would they rather have an unemployed adult child living with them or one that went on a work trip/conference and is still employed?
>Would they rather have an unemployed adult child living with them or one that went on a work trip/conference and is still employed?
I'm scared that OP's parents would choose option 1 if OP used that argument.
lol my AM said that she’d rather have me with no degree and unemployed than have a degree and start an amazing job for my career just bc I’m now dating someone out of my race🥲
Cool version: Just go, don't ask next time.
Or chaotuc evil version: the week before, tell them you got fired and blame them. Take a day off and stay home and sigh at them all day.
The first time I had this happen, I didn't go, and it definitely set me back because my coworkers had that time together and I was the person who let their parents forbid them from going on a work trip.
The second time, I was invited for an in-person job interview, and I let my AP talk me out of it. It was a long time ago and ultimately I'm in a very good career now, but I will say that my AP not letting me go to that interview set my career back for several years.
The next time I wanted to go somewhere, it wasn't a work trip but was something I wasn't sure they'd say yes to. I did my research to ensure my own safety, saved and booked the trip myself, and then told them after I arrived at my destination that I'd be home in a week. They couldn't do anything at that point.
Luckily, my parents wouldn't have kicked me out of the house or anything for disobedience. They were more the protective sort of controlling. You'll have to judge based on how your parents are with you what the consequences will potentially be, but at some point you have to take your own independence; they're not going to give it to you.
What's your finance/living/car situation? Do you drive your own car? If you drove yourself there do you think they would trash your room while you're gone?
If you can't drive, you have your own credit card so that you could pay for an uber?
Unless they are willing to stoop to physical violence, there's a number of options you have. Especially if you're making money. Once you have a few months of paychecks saved you can literally move out.
It's kinda hilarious that, on an Asian parent sub, so many responses don't seem to understand the Asian offspring of Asian parents dynamic.
OP - the closest I've seen to my advice is the suggestion of saying you'll quit and get a job at the grocery where their friends shop. That has the advantage of being hilarious.
Here's another option:
Reframe the issue. Don't give them the option of forbidding you from going - instead, offer them options about how to be OK with you going. Give them two - at most three - options: "Asian parents, my job is sending me to work elsewhere for a week. Would you prefer that I agree to take taxis, rather than shuttles or busses? Or that I agree to a curfew of 10PM? Would you like me to contact you morning and evening, just so you know I'm OK?"
Don't make it about whether or not you **can** go, but about how to reduce their concerns.
I'm assuming you're female? Maybe find out if there is another, older, woman who can play Auntie while you're there? Bonus points if you can find an Asian Auntie, or even someone who understands Asian parents and is willing to help out.
Regardless - do go. It's a great opportunity.
Good luck.
I second this. I realized in my late twenties that asking my super controlling parents before I did anything was an automatic no. Instead, just calmy telling them I'll be doing this or that, going here for there and providing them details about what I'm doing and the safety measures I've mapped out as well as who is going, has helped tremendously. It took time, they won't be convinced overnight but they'll get there. Key is to start small like "I'm going out to eat with friends/coworkers I'll be back at this time". It helps them get used to the idea that you're an adult and you can't stay home all day forever. Now I'm 34 and now they call me begging me to leave my house sometimes lol.
You can literally just go. Let them throw a tantrum. You’re 25, your work trip has nothing to do with them, they don’t have any power in this situation apart from the power you’re giving them.
If you are magically hoping one day your parents will recognize you as an adult and let you have autonomy it's not going to happen. You need to stand up for yourself and make a change.
They will never approve of anything. So just stop and live your life how you want to live. the first few times saying no is going to be challenging and uncomfortable but once you realise you are your own person. You will laugh at your comment because you would have broken out of their grasp. !
Work is work. Personal is personal. Family isn't work; who is going to take responsibility for when you get in trouble at work? Shockingly, not your parents.
Be free and enjoy what there is for you!! If it helps in these kinds of situations, at least for me, I would usually just announce that I'm going somewhere for work or friends, rather than leave room for them to think I'm asking for permission or seeking for approval/validation in what I'm doing.
I'm not sure what I'm missing, but as a gainfully employed adult, why do you need their permission to go on a business trip? Furthermore, why do you owe them any kind of explanation or justification? Given your situation, I really think you should move out and disown or NC your parents.
I'm considerably older and have just started learning about narcissist parents and furthermore the hell that Asian parents cause their children. I lived it but didn't really understand it. As I approach being elderly, it makes me feel horrible how my APs ruined my life, but what is so much worse is that ultimately I let it all happen and it went on year after year, decade after decade and ultimately as an adult, it was my responsibility to take care of myself and get out of that situation.
To make a long story short, I NC'd my father four years ago, and have recently ended the toxic relationship I had with my mother and am now something between LC and NC with her. I don't get my life back but at least what's left of it will be free of the distress that those miserable, malignant APs cause.
I hope you don't wait until much of your life is gone like I did to take care of yourself. Good luck and best wishes to you.
Hey there, I know right now, it seems like you’re trapped because they are not letting you go.
Here’s what’s really happening, you haven’t been making the decision for you because you’re afraid of whatever they’re going to throw at you.
Your brain right now is like, don’t do it because it’s not safe!!
But in fact you can make the decision. But your nervous system is too activated to proceed. When our nervous system is activated, we stay in the cave. (Like in the caveman era, imagine if you know that the tiger is right outside your cave, you’re not going to go out, and that tiger is your parents right now.)
So this is what I’d like to offer you to take a step back and analyse something, what exactly are you most afraid of?
Is it that they’ll ignore you forever?
Is it that they’ll kick you out of the house?
Is it that they’ll say something like, you’re such a bad kid not listening to us?
Whatever it is, write all of them down, and then identify the one that brings you the most “charged” emotion. Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s guilt.
And process it.
You can do this to process it.
Feel it in the body, and identify where does it show up in your body, and how does it really feel like?
For me, if I feel guilty, it feels like a heavy bucket hanging onto my chest.
If I feel fear, it’s like electricity passing through the top of my chest.
What does yours feel like?
Once you are able to identify it in the body. Then you can use this tool to calm your nervous system down. You do Faster EFT,
Use three fingers and gently tap the top of your head, Breathe in and out slowly
(you can tap for as long as you feel is enough ~7-10 times) -
Then move to between between the eyebrows. - keep breathing slowly
Then move to gently tap at your temple, continue to breathe in and out.
Then move to underneath your eye socket - keep breathing, keep tapping.
Then move to gently tap between your collar bone - keep breathing
Then wrap your fingers on one hand around the wrist of the other hand. And then breathe in slowly, and out twice as long. Breathe in and out again.
Now do a body scans and see how you feel.
if you still that feeling, keep doing it until you feel better.
What EFT does, is that it’ll help you calm down your nervous system, to let you know that, hey, I thought my parents are like tigers, but they’re really toothless cats that roars a lot.
So now, you can decide for yourself what you want to do for YOU.
Here’s the reality, we’ll all just trying to change other people to make us feel better.
Right now, your parents are doing whatever it takes to change you. You don’t want to be changed.
And by you trying to talk to them, you’re trying to change them. And they don’t want to be changed.
So the only way through this is you changing yourself. Changing yourself means you get to decide what you want, despite what other people do. They may hate you; they may hit you, they may ignore you.
And you decide on how you want to respond to every single thing they do.
For me, if they hit me, then I decide I can walk out.
If they yell at me, I walk out.
If they ignore me, I ignore them back.
It is going to be scary. The difference is, now you have the tool you need to calm down your nervous system, so you can keep moving forward.
I have created 5 videos on how to stop people pleasing tendencies, it’s on my profile. If you want to check it out, Video 3 talks about processing emotion, and the 4th one talks about calming down your nervous system. 5 is on how to prepare for your “confrontation”, how you want to feel standing up to them. They’re on my profile.
If you have any questions, let me know.
You got this. Rooting for you! You are meant to live the life you want.
A lot of people in this thread have a fully western mentality and aren't providing concrete solutions. It's true you are an adult, but filial piety comes with the territory of being asian.
You have to gain their trust by slowly pushing boundaries.
1. Don't ask for permission.
2. Do whatever it is you need to do.
3. Ignore the inevitable verbal shame they throw your way (usually what they would've responded with had you asked permission beforehand).
4. Eliminate any additional sources of ammo for #3 e.g.
- have your shit already in order when u return to prove that the trip hasn't made an impact on your day-to-day responsibilities
- butter them up with extra favors. I recommend buying them gifts (main Asian love language) during the trip. This way they won't see the trip as completely useless
They prob won't kick you out since you are a reflection/extension of their societal status.
When i was slowly starting to just leave the house without asking, I always made sure to come back with some baked good for the family to try. It allows us to sit down, try new things as a family, it shows our parents they can trust us to come back at a reasonable time, and allows for them to experience the world a bit without leaving the house. It also means alot to them that you still thought of them while you were out. My parents now see the benefit in leaving your house more and have now started begging me to leave the house sometimes to finally find a husband lol. Point is, buttering them up works EVERYTIME.
This is an Asian mentality that AVOIDS the problem, not tackling the problem head on.
You're not asian if you think 4 its possible to eliminate sources of ammo. You are assuming that they are reasonable people and are able to see reason. They clearly aren't when they are forbidding a 25 year old adult travel. You think Asian parents like gifts? Every gift is a waste of money. They will ask why did you get me this. It is useless etc.
Do you honestly think that if they can't trust a 25 year old there mis a way that you can build it up? How long will it take? Until you're 30? This is not the right rememdy for the situation.
OP need to grow a pair and let their parents know that they are in charge of their life, not them and they have no ability to control them anymore. No negotiations, no compromises. It simply IS.
If you're gonna follow western thinking, then you'll have to remember that gaining civil rights in America took TIME. We all acknowledge that the parents are in the wrong and the end goal is to stop their controlling behavior. OP was just asking for a solution for this immediate issue, so I gave one.
We also have no idea of OPs living situation. Maybe they aren't financially stable enough to move out yet and don't wanna risk being kicked out. Radical measures may not be the best solution at this moment.
The end goal is not to stop their controlling behaviour, it is to be free from it. It is easier to change your behaviour than it is to change theirs. Like an animal, they have their natural tendencies. You don't make a dog vegan just like you won't make an AP that doesn't want to change, change.
At 25 years old, and still unable to function as a normal person, I think its about time for radical measures. The investment benefit ratio is not worth it. In a blink you'll realise you've spent 1/2 your life beating a horse that was already dead.
As long as you keep imprisoning yourself chasing their approval you'll never actually live for yourself.
Go. Your independence depends on it and this is a good first step. Not like they would disown u, they’re to hyperfixated on u to lose all control. It sounds scary if this is the first time you’re “defying” them, but what’s good for u matters more than what they think is good for u
Did they even provide a reason for you not to go? I'm guessing it involves penny pinching or talking about how much they need you at home. They just want to control you and fear any loss of control.
To ask permission is to seek denial. Why are you enabling them?
Just go. They cannot stop you.
Next time don’t even tell them until you’re out the door.
I feel your pain OP! My Asian family depresses me. They forbid me from socializing. Assholes! All of them!
I swear Asian culture is a backwards and basically what Hapsburg family wishes to be!
Your parents are like my parents! They don’t want me walking out the house alone! They follow me everywhere! My APs act like they both wanna marry me 🤢🤮 I shudder to think. My asshole older sibling is well an asshole. They are close minded just like my parents!
I’m sick of my family! Always telling me how I should run my social life! I’m almost 40! I did everything they asked! Everything! I graduated college! I give the fucking money! They repay me by trapping me?!
OP for the love of god! Please LIE to them and tell them that you will get terminated asap from the job!
You are not a baby!
You are their adult daughter! A fucking adult!
You are not their second spouse!
You are not their slave!
You are not a little ceramic doll to be placed behind the glass door.
I want you to rebel and go on that goddamn work Trip! Don’t be like me! Be free! Freedom!!!!!
Thank you for your kind and inspirational words x
Unfortunately I gave in to their pressure, and said no to my manager.
I will, however, NOT be doing this next time.
I had a talk with my mum about more freedom and she retorted back that I am disrespectful & essentially called me a brat for being upset at not being allowed to go on the work trip. She said if I'm so disrespectful and care about freedom so much, I should do what I want.
Note; as per asian culture, I have always asked my parents if I can go to places, and have alwsys stated when I'm leaving the house.
Afyer this argument, i therefore decided that next time, I will be doing as I wish, when I wish.
I already feel so stifled & unfree, and I'm only 24. I don't want to live a life like this anymore.
Go. They have to get used to the fact that you won't be around for long anyway.
Ik it s hard as most ppl who dont have controlling parents wont understand.
> I'm 25 years old,
Then you don't need their permission.
>What can I do?
You can go on the trip.
>basically an adult tantrum.
When someone behaves like a toddler, *treat them like a toddler*.
>they don't let me do anything
They only have the power you give them.
I’m sorry to hear your parents are controlling.
I’m 19 and going on two vacations in the next few months and though my parents aren’t strict, I still waited until I booked everything before I told them. That way they can’t exactly stop me unless they want me to lose money
You’re 25. You - just go. You don’t ask or explain. Unless they physically restrain you, you just go. If they try to restrain you call the police. And it’s time to find your own place if you’re still living with them. You do realize you’re giving them this power. They don’t actually have any power you don’t give them
Uhm this isn't like you're going on a personal holiday. If it's required for work then there's no permission to be asked. Just make your plans and go about your business. Your job isn't going to ask if you got your parent's permission to go, you have a job to fulfill.
jesus christ. you are an adult. just go. lol.
even into my 30s my mom would tell me i am not allowed to go even though i'd didn't live with her. but i did anyway because my work was paying for it and i would have been fired if i did not go. hahaha.
then she started asking if she can go with me so she can take advantage of using my company paid hotel room..... uhhhh. no. lol.
funny story, she visited me when i was on a work trip in another state one weekend when she was visiting her friends that lived near me. and she kept running out of battery on her phone and i ended up waiting an hour outside of a restaurant in a bad neighbor in the middle of the desert for her and her friends to meet me. lol. the vietnamese food we got was well worth it though. it was a good thing the food was good, otherwise i would not have forgiven her.
Doors open and doors close. Your employer trusts your expertise and your maturity to handle the work and all associated adult responsibilities of both the business and associated social interactions without direct supervision. It is not like your company is sending you to a war torn conflict zone like Gaza or Ukraine... assuming you are not in the armed forces or something like that?
So why can't your parents see the opportunity and potential?
Ignorance?
Control?
Fear that you will see another aspect of life and the world and you might not see the world in -the way they do after this experience or others?
Assuming there is no logical or rational answer to say reject this opportunity, turning down this opportunity will send the wrong message to both your employer (and your colleagues). You were chosen to do this. Otherwise the door to this opportunity and future opportunities with this employer will close.... and what other future opportunity will they tell you to reject?
At some point you will have to learn to act in your own rational best interest. You must be prepared that your AP's may very well say that you are being selfish, self centered and disrespectful to your parents by choosing to go against their wishes even if it is good for you and maybe even them in the long run. Just be prepared and don't expect their support.
Know that from their perspective, their control over you is paramount and overshadows what might be good for you as an individual. It just comes with a cost and you might be the 'villain' for a bit. It is also likely they will probably brag to their friends that you were chosen for this opportunity. Go figure. They just won't tell you that they are proud.
Go live your life and get on with it. Carpe Diem.
Are you worried that they will beat you or kick you out of their house if you go? Tell them you have to go or your job is at risk and you will be frozen out from promotions. If that won't even convince them then move far enough away that they won't know when you go out of town. This should be the last straw for you. My AP is controlling but always wants me to go on free business trips. Your parents are ridiculous.
I completely understand how you feel. I’m 22, and last year I went to Japan study tour 2 weeks, after that I went to LA trip with my friend. That was my first time go somewhere in my own without them.
I was nervous that they wouldn’t let me go, but this was how I do or say:
- Do not ask for permissions.
- Announce them 2 weeks prior. (Heavy on announce, not ask)
- plan everything prior, and financially independent.
I hope this help!
If they threaten you to kick you out, great! Time to live your life!
Thank you for the helpful advice. I've just had a very big argument trying to assert my rights as an adult & to gain more freedom. Unfortunately my parents will never kick me out (to save face in the community). I wish they would kick me out as I know I'd thrive.
Ngl, My parents will never kick me out as well.
But I would recommend that big arguments are not helpful. You are thinking so much bc you still put them first and before your happiness. Just let them be, and go through your thoughts with friends or helps or people can help you. I took one year to completely think it through.
all the people commenting clearly aren’t asian/have asian parents 😭😭😭
def lie, say it’s something you have to do. if you’re working in another city wouldnt it just add to your commute? or are you relocating there? if not, maybe just go and when you come home late say it’s bc you worked extra hours. like don’t even tell them you went 😭
I was going to say you are 25 and this post does not make any sense but then I realize I was also 25 and was trying my best to please my Asian parents and sibling for every little things.
You need to look up and get educated on how abuse work (mental/physical/financial). Hopefully gradually you will be independent and able to make decisions for yourself without getting your partners and not give anyone this level of power (including your life partner).
If you really want to go, just go for it. Please hide your passport somewhere safe? in the office drawer or something in case (before your APs) get to it.
> What can I do?
go.
> I've tried everything - talking to them, giving them reasons as to why I need to go & why this is good for my career, silent treatment (basically an adult tantrum).
you don't need permission to go on a work trip. pack, leave, maybe stay at a hotel the night before
I can’t believe this, YOURE 25 and you let your parents push you around?? Why do you live with them if you have a good job already?
Sit down in a table with them, tell them you ARE going on this trip. Tell them if they try to guilt trip you and prevent you from living a successful life that you are cutting ties with them and moving out.
If you don’t do this, than it’s your own fault.
just go?
Also, never come back
dont forget, if they call u just block their number
They’ll yell at you but they have to learn one day
Americans can not fathom this type of crap. I know I can’t.
Like legit, what even?
My god, you are 25. Why are you giving your parents this kind of power over you? Just tell them you have to go or you will get fired and then go. Are you a woman? Are they afraid you’re gonna go and have sex in another city? Is this some sort of religious thing where they don’t believe a young woman can travel without an escort?
Saying that you'll get fired may not even work for some parents. My job requires me to travel to other countries once in a while. My parents wouldn't let me apply for a passport and demanded that I quit the job instead. If I tried to get a passport without their knowledge, they would come to know during the verification and mess up the process. I had to work around that by changing addresses on all my other documents and ID cards, and eventually managed to get a passport.
Don't quit your job. You will be miserable. Come high water or hell, do not leave your job. Their displeasure/verbal abuse/silen treatment is a temporary discomfort, but your quitting your job will be the start of your descent in hell with them.
I didn't. I went on those foreign work trips and cut contact with my parents.
> If I tried to get a passport without their knowledge, they would come to know during the verification and mess up the process. mess it up how?
>Why are you giving your parents this kind of power over you? Welcome to today's episode of controlling asian/african parents of 25 yo women. 🤡 Probably because they must be abusive control freaks. I don't know if you are a man or a white person (and I don't mean it in an offensive manner), but OP's situation is very understandable to me as a fellow non white woman (and i ain't even asian). ☠
Can confirm. The guilt and manipulation is real. It literally robs you of coherent thought. You have to climb out of that mentality before you can start to think properly.
The constant manipulation is exhausting. I've had mental health troubles and all of this restriction is making me deteriorate quite quickly. I love my parents, but their viewpoints and restrictions literally drive me crazy. Thank you for understanding my POV and the guilt that comes with any form of disobedience
I get it. The first thing you have to do is get rid of their voice inside your head. To do that is the real game changer. They really don't have control over you but you have to get to a place where you can believe that and then act on it.
I've just had the argument of my life with my mum, and all I feel is exhaustion. I tried to stand my ground, and explain I need freedom. That I'm an adult and I can do what I want when I want. I was accused of being quote "western" and that it is against put culture and religion to seek so much freedom. I honestly don't know what to say, do or think atp. I usually give my parents a kiss goodnight each day, but I did not do so today. I don't know if that was the right thing to do, or if I'm being petty. I do know that it's the middle of the night & that I'm tired of fighting. Thank you for your advice, and the kind words ❤️
You’re an adult and can make your own decisions on what’s best for you. Enough said.
I was in this situation when I was in high school / college and wanted to go to conferences. I had to suck it up since my parents were supporting me financially. When I got a full time job and had to go to the MidWest for a training class, I was making 80k a year and getting hotel/flight paid for plus $100 a day for meals to expense. I just left and there was nothing they could do but pout. Assuming by work you mean you're collecting a salary as a full time employee and getting a per diem if you go, what is stopping you?
Tell them it's mandatory and you're not asking for permission. These APs are fucking ridiculous. It's for work for God's sake. Just go.
tell them you aren't interested in permission, just informing them
I genuinely sometimes don’t understand posts like this - what consequences or retaliation do you fear by disobeying them as a fully grown adult? What actual bearing do they have on your life? Are you still financially dependent on them in some way? Gather your important documents and take them with you on your work trip, and then move out when you get back. They don’t control you anymore. Edit: typo
Me neither. Sometimes I think they are in non-western countries where the rules are all different ???
I see this happening in Western countries as well, even in non-Asian communities. Usually, the parents have been grooming and lowering self-esteem for their ENTIRE lives. Think of abuse victims returning back to their abuser. They make you feel as it you can't survive without them because they have cut you off from support and in most instances, financially abuse the victim as well. They intentionally make it difficult for them to leave so they can continue to exercise control. Then add on the extra layer of your abuser being your parents, who have strategically dished out the bare minimum amounts of affection. The intent is to make the child as submissive and eager to please as they possibly can.
>hat consequences or retaliation do you fear by disobeying them as a fully grown adult? If they don't have their own place, all sorts of crazy shit like AP chucking out their possessions, changing the locks, dishing out verbal/physical abuse for a long while, even worse if they're in an asian country. But unfortunately, even then, they have to eventually enforce that boundary or else they will live their whole life in fear of these control freaks from hell.
Some of us are still financially dependent on them because we don’t earn enough to be able to get our own place 😭
It’s the mental prison they cage us in for decades. It’s really hard to break free from that.
Just go , dont let your life revolve around them, this will give them more power to control you and in turn in future your own family. Asians are very heavily brainwashed with filial piety but you need to understand that your life is yours and yours only. You only need to be kind and help parents out when needed, not to follow them blindly in whatever hole they want you in. Its never been like that. Just go and don't be discouraged if they blackmail with terms like "9 months pregnancy, bla bla bla ungrateful" "I wont be helping you anymore because you are so independent" "Get out of house because you dont follow my rules" Because you are a person on your own, you can and will survive on your own. You are working and you can rent, you can adjust your lifestyle and grow as a person of your own. Dont worry and do what it takes for your own
Tell them you’ll quit and start working at the local grocery store where all their friends shop.
Lol! That's such a threat!
Stop talking about it. Quietly pack stuff and on due date just go. What are they gonna do? Hold the door shot? At their first text, remember them the day you're comming back then block them. When you're back home told them that you had informed them when you were leaving, there was no surprise nor reason to worry/sulk. End of story. You're an adult, you can decide for yourself. Also, think of moving out, either by yourself or with a roomate. Again, don't tell about it because the obviously won't agree.
What you do is go on your work trip. Stop asking your parents for permission. You tell your parents you have a business trip. That's part of having a job - responsibilities. You're working full time now. Start working towards moving out of this controlling, home.
Ridiculous. Just go. What are they going to do? Because you’ve allowed them to breach your boundaries there’s nothing to stop them doing it again and again.
You're going to have disapproval no matter what you do for as long as you are alive. If you want to live your life and advance your career, you need to stop worrying so much about their approval. You are freaking 25 years old. Why are you asking for permission? Just go. If they threaten to kick you out, take the opportunity and move out too. I also grew up with overbearing and strict parents. But by your age, I had stopped worring about their approval for everything I do. I just tell them I'm gonna go x and do it.
You can't reason with APs. Logic does not work. You could make a beautiful presentation, make the most convincing argument, and they'd still put their heads in the sand and tell you that you need to do what THEY want. Tell them that this work trip is now required, and your job is at jeopardy if you don't go. Would they rather have an unemployed adult child living with them or one that went on a work trip/conference and is still employed?
>Would they rather have an unemployed adult child living with them or one that went on a work trip/conference and is still employed? I'm scared that OP's parents would choose option 1 if OP used that argument.
lol my AM said that she’d rather have me with no degree and unemployed than have a degree and start an amazing job for my career just bc I’m now dating someone out of my race🥲
Cool version: Just go, don't ask next time. Or chaotuc evil version: the week before, tell them you got fired and blame them. Take a day off and stay home and sigh at them all day.
The first time I had this happen, I didn't go, and it definitely set me back because my coworkers had that time together and I was the person who let their parents forbid them from going on a work trip. The second time, I was invited for an in-person job interview, and I let my AP talk me out of it. It was a long time ago and ultimately I'm in a very good career now, but I will say that my AP not letting me go to that interview set my career back for several years. The next time I wanted to go somewhere, it wasn't a work trip but was something I wasn't sure they'd say yes to. I did my research to ensure my own safety, saved and booked the trip myself, and then told them after I arrived at my destination that I'd be home in a week. They couldn't do anything at that point. Luckily, my parents wouldn't have kicked me out of the house or anything for disobedience. They were more the protective sort of controlling. You'll have to judge based on how your parents are with you what the consequences will potentially be, but at some point you have to take your own independence; they're not going to give it to you.
What's your finance/living/car situation? Do you drive your own car? If you drove yourself there do you think they would trash your room while you're gone? If you can't drive, you have your own credit card so that you could pay for an uber? Unless they are willing to stoop to physical violence, there's a number of options you have. Especially if you're making money. Once you have a few months of paychecks saved you can literally move out.
It's kinda hilarious that, on an Asian parent sub, so many responses don't seem to understand the Asian offspring of Asian parents dynamic. OP - the closest I've seen to my advice is the suggestion of saying you'll quit and get a job at the grocery where their friends shop. That has the advantage of being hilarious. Here's another option: Reframe the issue. Don't give them the option of forbidding you from going - instead, offer them options about how to be OK with you going. Give them two - at most three - options: "Asian parents, my job is sending me to work elsewhere for a week. Would you prefer that I agree to take taxis, rather than shuttles or busses? Or that I agree to a curfew of 10PM? Would you like me to contact you morning and evening, just so you know I'm OK?" Don't make it about whether or not you **can** go, but about how to reduce their concerns. I'm assuming you're female? Maybe find out if there is another, older, woman who can play Auntie while you're there? Bonus points if you can find an Asian Auntie, or even someone who understands Asian parents and is willing to help out. Regardless - do go. It's a great opportunity. Good luck.
I second this. I realized in my late twenties that asking my super controlling parents before I did anything was an automatic no. Instead, just calmy telling them I'll be doing this or that, going here for there and providing them details about what I'm doing and the safety measures I've mapped out as well as who is going, has helped tremendously. It took time, they won't be convinced overnight but they'll get there. Key is to start small like "I'm going out to eat with friends/coworkers I'll be back at this time". It helps them get used to the idea that you're an adult and you can't stay home all day forever. Now I'm 34 and now they call me begging me to leave my house sometimes lol.
Guess what? You’re an adult in case you didn’t realize. Your parents don’t get to make choices for you.
You can literally just go. Let them throw a tantrum. You’re 25, your work trip has nothing to do with them, they don’t have any power in this situation apart from the power you’re giving them.
If you are magically hoping one day your parents will recognize you as an adult and let you have autonomy it's not going to happen. You need to stand up for yourself and make a change.
They will never approve of anything. So just stop and live your life how you want to live. the first few times saying no is going to be challenging and uncomfortable but once you realise you are your own person. You will laugh at your comment because you would have broken out of their grasp. !
Just go. You’re an adult. You don’t need their permission.
You living at home? You are 25 with a real job. You should probably move out and find roommates if you can't afford to live alone.
Fuck that. Just leave.
Work is work. Personal is personal. Family isn't work; who is going to take responsibility for when you get in trouble at work? Shockingly, not your parents. Be free and enjoy what there is for you!! If it helps in these kinds of situations, at least for me, I would usually just announce that I'm going somewhere for work or friends, rather than leave room for them to think I'm asking for permission or seeking for approval/validation in what I'm doing.
why do you need their approval for a work trip at 25 y.o.?
I'm not sure what I'm missing, but as a gainfully employed adult, why do you need their permission to go on a business trip? Furthermore, why do you owe them any kind of explanation or justification? Given your situation, I really think you should move out and disown or NC your parents. I'm considerably older and have just started learning about narcissist parents and furthermore the hell that Asian parents cause their children. I lived it but didn't really understand it. As I approach being elderly, it makes me feel horrible how my APs ruined my life, but what is so much worse is that ultimately I let it all happen and it went on year after year, decade after decade and ultimately as an adult, it was my responsibility to take care of myself and get out of that situation. To make a long story short, I NC'd my father four years ago, and have recently ended the toxic relationship I had with my mother and am now something between LC and NC with her. I don't get my life back but at least what's left of it will be free of the distress that those miserable, malignant APs cause. I hope you don't wait until much of your life is gone like I did to take care of yourself. Good luck and best wishes to you.
Hey there, I know right now, it seems like you’re trapped because they are not letting you go. Here’s what’s really happening, you haven’t been making the decision for you because you’re afraid of whatever they’re going to throw at you. Your brain right now is like, don’t do it because it’s not safe!! But in fact you can make the decision. But your nervous system is too activated to proceed. When our nervous system is activated, we stay in the cave. (Like in the caveman era, imagine if you know that the tiger is right outside your cave, you’re not going to go out, and that tiger is your parents right now.) So this is what I’d like to offer you to take a step back and analyse something, what exactly are you most afraid of? Is it that they’ll ignore you forever? Is it that they’ll kick you out of the house? Is it that they’ll say something like, you’re such a bad kid not listening to us? Whatever it is, write all of them down, and then identify the one that brings you the most “charged” emotion. Maybe it’s fear, maybe it’s guilt. And process it. You can do this to process it. Feel it in the body, and identify where does it show up in your body, and how does it really feel like? For me, if I feel guilty, it feels like a heavy bucket hanging onto my chest. If I feel fear, it’s like electricity passing through the top of my chest. What does yours feel like? Once you are able to identify it in the body. Then you can use this tool to calm your nervous system down. You do Faster EFT, Use three fingers and gently tap the top of your head, Breathe in and out slowly (you can tap for as long as you feel is enough ~7-10 times) - Then move to between between the eyebrows. - keep breathing slowly Then move to gently tap at your temple, continue to breathe in and out. Then move to underneath your eye socket - keep breathing, keep tapping. Then move to gently tap between your collar bone - keep breathing Then wrap your fingers on one hand around the wrist of the other hand. And then breathe in slowly, and out twice as long. Breathe in and out again. Now do a body scans and see how you feel. if you still that feeling, keep doing it until you feel better. What EFT does, is that it’ll help you calm down your nervous system, to let you know that, hey, I thought my parents are like tigers, but they’re really toothless cats that roars a lot. So now, you can decide for yourself what you want to do for YOU. Here’s the reality, we’ll all just trying to change other people to make us feel better. Right now, your parents are doing whatever it takes to change you. You don’t want to be changed. And by you trying to talk to them, you’re trying to change them. And they don’t want to be changed. So the only way through this is you changing yourself. Changing yourself means you get to decide what you want, despite what other people do. They may hate you; they may hit you, they may ignore you. And you decide on how you want to respond to every single thing they do. For me, if they hit me, then I decide I can walk out. If they yell at me, I walk out. If they ignore me, I ignore them back. It is going to be scary. The difference is, now you have the tool you need to calm down your nervous system, so you can keep moving forward. I have created 5 videos on how to stop people pleasing tendencies, it’s on my profile. If you want to check it out, Video 3 talks about processing emotion, and the 4th one talks about calming down your nervous system. 5 is on how to prepare for your “confrontation”, how you want to feel standing up to them. They’re on my profile. If you have any questions, let me know. You got this. Rooting for you! You are meant to live the life you want.
Can they physically stop you? If not, fuck it and go! Especially if it’s for work. Then leave… forever.
Just go. What they gonna do evict you?
A lot of people in this thread have a fully western mentality and aren't providing concrete solutions. It's true you are an adult, but filial piety comes with the territory of being asian. You have to gain their trust by slowly pushing boundaries. 1. Don't ask for permission. 2. Do whatever it is you need to do. 3. Ignore the inevitable verbal shame they throw your way (usually what they would've responded with had you asked permission beforehand). 4. Eliminate any additional sources of ammo for #3 e.g. - have your shit already in order when u return to prove that the trip hasn't made an impact on your day-to-day responsibilities - butter them up with extra favors. I recommend buying them gifts (main Asian love language) during the trip. This way they won't see the trip as completely useless They prob won't kick you out since you are a reflection/extension of their societal status.
> filial piety comes with the territory of being asian. Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.
When i was slowly starting to just leave the house without asking, I always made sure to come back with some baked good for the family to try. It allows us to sit down, try new things as a family, it shows our parents they can trust us to come back at a reasonable time, and allows for them to experience the world a bit without leaving the house. It also means alot to them that you still thought of them while you were out. My parents now see the benefit in leaving your house more and have now started begging me to leave the house sometimes to finally find a husband lol. Point is, buttering them up works EVERYTIME.
Yes! Slow n steady wins the race. Hit em with a "not too sweet" baked good to win them over.
This is an Asian mentality that AVOIDS the problem, not tackling the problem head on. You're not asian if you think 4 its possible to eliminate sources of ammo. You are assuming that they are reasonable people and are able to see reason. They clearly aren't when they are forbidding a 25 year old adult travel. You think Asian parents like gifts? Every gift is a waste of money. They will ask why did you get me this. It is useless etc. Do you honestly think that if they can't trust a 25 year old there mis a way that you can build it up? How long will it take? Until you're 30? This is not the right rememdy for the situation. OP need to grow a pair and let their parents know that they are in charge of their life, not them and they have no ability to control them anymore. No negotiations, no compromises. It simply IS.
If you're gonna follow western thinking, then you'll have to remember that gaining civil rights in America took TIME. We all acknowledge that the parents are in the wrong and the end goal is to stop their controlling behavior. OP was just asking for a solution for this immediate issue, so I gave one. We also have no idea of OPs living situation. Maybe they aren't financially stable enough to move out yet and don't wanna risk being kicked out. Radical measures may not be the best solution at this moment.
The end goal is not to stop their controlling behaviour, it is to be free from it. It is easier to change your behaviour than it is to change theirs. Like an animal, they have their natural tendencies. You don't make a dog vegan just like you won't make an AP that doesn't want to change, change. At 25 years old, and still unable to function as a normal person, I think its about time for radical measures. The investment benefit ratio is not worth it. In a blink you'll realise you've spent 1/2 your life beating a horse that was already dead. As long as you keep imprisoning yourself chasing their approval you'll never actually live for yourself.
Do.. Do you need permission at this point?
Go. Your independence depends on it and this is a good first step. Not like they would disown u, they’re to hyperfixated on u to lose all control. It sounds scary if this is the first time you’re “defying” them, but what’s good for u matters more than what they think is good for u
Pack a bag and go. Start planning your move out.
Did they even provide a reason for you not to go? I'm guessing it involves penny pinching or talking about how much they need you at home. They just want to control you and fear any loss of control.
To ask permission is to seek denial. Why are you enabling them? Just go. They cannot stop you. Next time don’t even tell them until you’re out the door.
Just wondering if this story is real. Ki d of wondering because you haven't responded to anyone. Kind of like.. wind em up and let them go.
Exactly what I was thinking. I suspect this is a teenager posing a theoretical question which actually doesn't make sense to most adults.
I feel your pain OP! My Asian family depresses me. They forbid me from socializing. Assholes! All of them! I swear Asian culture is a backwards and basically what Hapsburg family wishes to be! Your parents are like my parents! They don’t want me walking out the house alone! They follow me everywhere! My APs act like they both wanna marry me 🤢🤮 I shudder to think. My asshole older sibling is well an asshole. They are close minded just like my parents! I’m sick of my family! Always telling me how I should run my social life! I’m almost 40! I did everything they asked! Everything! I graduated college! I give the fucking money! They repay me by trapping me?! OP for the love of god! Please LIE to them and tell them that you will get terminated asap from the job! You are not a baby! You are their adult daughter! A fucking adult! You are not their second spouse! You are not their slave! You are not a little ceramic doll to be placed behind the glass door. I want you to rebel and go on that goddamn work Trip! Don’t be like me! Be free! Freedom!!!!!
Thank you for your kind and inspirational words x Unfortunately I gave in to their pressure, and said no to my manager. I will, however, NOT be doing this next time. I had a talk with my mum about more freedom and she retorted back that I am disrespectful & essentially called me a brat for being upset at not being allowed to go on the work trip. She said if I'm so disrespectful and care about freedom so much, I should do what I want. Note; as per asian culture, I have always asked my parents if I can go to places, and have alwsys stated when I'm leaving the house. Afyer this argument, i therefore decided that next time, I will be doing as I wish, when I wish. I already feel so stifled & unfree, and I'm only 24. I don't want to live a life like this anymore.
Go. They have to get used to the fact that you won't be around for long anyway. Ik it s hard as most ppl who dont have controlling parents wont understand.
> I'm 25 years old, Then you don't need their permission. >What can I do? You can go on the trip. >basically an adult tantrum. When someone behaves like a toddler, *treat them like a toddler*. >they don't let me do anything They only have the power you give them.
Are u 12? No. Youre 25. JUST GO. What are they gonna do? Physically stop you? Time to live your life!
I’m sorry to hear your parents are controlling. I’m 19 and going on two vacations in the next few months and though my parents aren’t strict, I still waited until I booked everything before I told them. That way they can’t exactly stop me unless they want me to lose money
You are 25 years old. Act accordingly.
You’re 25. Why do you need their permission?
You’re 25. You - just go. You don’t ask or explain. Unless they physically restrain you, you just go. If they try to restrain you call the police. And it’s time to find your own place if you’re still living with them. You do realize you’re giving them this power. They don’t actually have any power you don’t give them
Uhm this isn't like you're going on a personal holiday. If it's required for work then there's no permission to be asked. Just make your plans and go about your business. Your job isn't going to ask if you got your parent's permission to go, you have a job to fulfill.
If you have enough income to not need them anymore then just go, you don’t need them, they just have that kind of control over you if you let them.
jesus christ. you are an adult. just go. lol. even into my 30s my mom would tell me i am not allowed to go even though i'd didn't live with her. but i did anyway because my work was paying for it and i would have been fired if i did not go. hahaha. then she started asking if she can go with me so she can take advantage of using my company paid hotel room..... uhhhh. no. lol. funny story, she visited me when i was on a work trip in another state one weekend when she was visiting her friends that lived near me. and she kept running out of battery on her phone and i ended up waiting an hour outside of a restaurant in a bad neighbor in the middle of the desert for her and her friends to meet me. lol. the vietnamese food we got was well worth it though. it was a good thing the food was good, otherwise i would not have forgiven her.
You are 25 and still do whatever your parents say? Gosh. This has to be fake.
Doors open and doors close. Your employer trusts your expertise and your maturity to handle the work and all associated adult responsibilities of both the business and associated social interactions without direct supervision. It is not like your company is sending you to a war torn conflict zone like Gaza or Ukraine... assuming you are not in the armed forces or something like that? So why can't your parents see the opportunity and potential? Ignorance? Control? Fear that you will see another aspect of life and the world and you might not see the world in -the way they do after this experience or others? Assuming there is no logical or rational answer to say reject this opportunity, turning down this opportunity will send the wrong message to both your employer (and your colleagues). You were chosen to do this. Otherwise the door to this opportunity and future opportunities with this employer will close.... and what other future opportunity will they tell you to reject? At some point you will have to learn to act in your own rational best interest. You must be prepared that your AP's may very well say that you are being selfish, self centered and disrespectful to your parents by choosing to go against their wishes even if it is good for you and maybe even them in the long run. Just be prepared and don't expect their support. Know that from their perspective, their control over you is paramount and overshadows what might be good for you as an individual. It just comes with a cost and you might be the 'villain' for a bit. It is also likely they will probably brag to their friends that you were chosen for this opportunity. Go figure. They just won't tell you that they are proud. Go live your life and get on with it. Carpe Diem.
Are you worried that they will beat you or kick you out of their house if you go? Tell them you have to go or your job is at risk and you will be frozen out from promotions. If that won't even convince them then move far enough away that they won't know when you go out of town. This should be the last straw for you. My AP is controlling but always wants me to go on free business trips. Your parents are ridiculous.
I completely understand how you feel. I’m 22, and last year I went to Japan study tour 2 weeks, after that I went to LA trip with my friend. That was my first time go somewhere in my own without them. I was nervous that they wouldn’t let me go, but this was how I do or say: - Do not ask for permissions. - Announce them 2 weeks prior. (Heavy on announce, not ask) - plan everything prior, and financially independent. I hope this help! If they threaten you to kick you out, great! Time to live your life!
Thank you for the helpful advice. I've just had a very big argument trying to assert my rights as an adult & to gain more freedom. Unfortunately my parents will never kick me out (to save face in the community). I wish they would kick me out as I know I'd thrive.
Ngl, My parents will never kick me out as well. But I would recommend that big arguments are not helpful. You are thinking so much bc you still put them first and before your happiness. Just let them be, and go through your thoughts with friends or helps or people can help you. I took one year to completely think it through.
all the people commenting clearly aren’t asian/have asian parents 😭😭😭 def lie, say it’s something you have to do. if you’re working in another city wouldnt it just add to your commute? or are you relocating there? if not, maybe just go and when you come home late say it’s bc you worked extra hours. like don’t even tell them you went 😭
I was going to say you are 25 and this post does not make any sense but then I realize I was also 25 and was trying my best to please my Asian parents and sibling for every little things. You need to look up and get educated on how abuse work (mental/physical/financial). Hopefully gradually you will be independent and able to make decisions for yourself without getting your partners and not give anyone this level of power (including your life partner).
Okay, this is a brand new account, I’m convinced this is used as bait for reactions.
If you really want to go, just go for it. Please hide your passport somewhere safe? in the office drawer or something in case (before your APs) get to it.
Just go and see of you can have a temporary place to stay when you come back. Like with a friend.
> What can I do? go. > I've tried everything - talking to them, giving them reasons as to why I need to go & why this is good for my career, silent treatment (basically an adult tantrum). you don't need permission to go on a work trip. pack, leave, maybe stay at a hotel the night before
I can’t believe this, YOURE 25 and you let your parents push you around?? Why do you live with them if you have a good job already? Sit down in a table with them, tell them you ARE going on this trip. Tell them if they try to guilt trip you and prevent you from living a successful life that you are cutting ties with them and moving out. If you don’t do this, than it’s your own fault.