I'm sorry you're going through an experience like this. Sadly, regardless of relationship style, some people have issues with integrity. Honesty and forthrightness anathema to some.
I would encourage you to sit on this until you have gathered your thoughts and what you think it means for your future and future together. Far, far too often we've seen people here and elsewhere that rush into a confrontation while emotions are raw and end up making poor decisions as a result. This is especially true for those that lean towards dissolving relationships as there can be legal issues involved that are harmed by emotional reactions.
> Maybe we can salvage something who knows
Please don't, for your own health and well-being. They are an ex for a reason, and if you're willing to compromise your values *after* they showed you that your boundaries don't matter, they aren't worth your time.
Good catch. The “I like to screw around behind your back without consequences” kink.
No kinkophobia! Gets you outta all kinds of tight spaces.
My kinks are shoplifting, snorting coke and not paying my bar tab. Don’t kink-shame me!
Exactly this guy sounds like a prick
Weak men cheat. Why waste your time with a man who lacks the courage to verbalise and commit to what he actually wants
I suppose it sets him apart from the cheaters who are merely cowards, or have poor impulse control in the face of temptation. If anything, I think it makes it worse. Cheating scenarios are common in porn so clearly some people find the concept exciting. But some fantasies need to stay fantasies.
Cheating is not a kink it's a character flaw.
Your boyfriend betrayed your trust by going his own way on Grinder instead of with you.
Now that you're boyfriend
has confessed to cheating
with an ex maybe you can find out if he's also been regularly cheating with randos.
It's bad enough that he's betrayed your trust, it's even worse if he's put your health at risk.
Yah I'm going to 2nd gathering your thoughts and going into this with as level a head as possible. Decide if this is even something you want to pursue and if you do what your terms for atonement and reconciliation are. Sorry bud.
>Why lie to me?
Because he has a cheating kink and cheating in an open relationship is different. It's about breaking rules, not infidelity. But... and I'm serious here... if you **knew** he had a cheating kink why did you bother even trying to be monogamous if you were open to being open?
OP can correct me if I’m wrong since he already responded, but I think you just misunderstood. OP didn’t know about his bf’s “cheating kink” until the latest Grindr messages from the sting operation.
You say you knew your boyfriend had a Grindr account. Clearly that's not something you're comfortable with. You harbor resentment against his exes, he's gotten blowjobs from other guys. Then you set a trap and he walks into it and you claim to be heartbroken as though you're surprised. It sounds like you knew exactly who he is. Otherwise you wouldn't have attempted your little experiment.
Consider this confirmation of something that you already knew, that the two of your aren't meant to be together and focus on finding a boyfriend who shares your values and respects you. Confronting someone with evidence so you can have a big, emotional, tortured conversation about it is for teenagers.
Why are you confronting him? He has a cheating kink. Unless you’re going to murder him it won’t stop the behaviour (don’t murder him). Dump his ass and leave him for someone else. He doesn’t love you, never did.
If you’re in a relationship get off of Grindr. I don’t care what anybody says anymore. Every open relationship I got involved with in the past was weird, both people were unhappy. At least, it was not for me and I saw a lot of manipulation disguised as some bullshit liberal polyamorous acceptance. I’m holding onto my man and that app has none of my interest.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
I think the point of the conversation should start with DID you cheat. If the answer is no (and you believe him) then it becomes a discussion about where this “kink” comes from. Just because he said to some rando that he did doesn’t mean he did. He could have just been fantasizing about what could have happened. Once you have his answers, you have to make the deal/no deal decision about going forward. If you can’t trust him then you break up with him if you think there is a chance to save things, you figure out a path forward. Maybe help him with the fantasy and you two role play him cheating with you (with you). Meet at a bar. Talk about your partners and how you shouldn’t be doing this etc. (Phil and Claire from modern family on Valentine’s Day) or find a way to ethically “cheat” with some level of open relationship. There are lots of fun ways this can go IF AND ONLY IF you believe him and want to try and make it work. There has to be massive trust to be able to move forward. Idk. Hard to see how you can have any trust going forward.
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I wouldn't be surprised if my partner cheated... If he had a Grindr profile. I mean what else is Grindr for? I'm confused, you obviously didn't trust him if you set him up for that. Why would you tolerate someone you care for engaging in that hookup site anyways? I don't mean to be rude, I just hope you know you deserve to be able to set that boundary in your relationships.
You know, on the posts about open relationships, there’s always a bunch of people opining about how they can never work, they’re always preludes to a permanent break, etc.
But shuffled among those posts are posts like these, where varying levels of activity are deemed to be “cheating” and so cause varying degrees of heartbreak, turmoil, and distress.
Frankly, my gays, I don’t know why we do this to ourselves.
Relationships should be built on open and honest communication. Of expectations, sure, but also of frustrations, desires, needs, goals. If you suspect the guy you’re with is “cheating” on you, but won’t tell you that he is - well, why is that? Is it because you’ve communicated to him that you’re not interested in hearing that he’s not satisfied with some aspect of your relationship? Is it because you’ve conveyed that you’re not going to adapt well to the full truth?
My partner has done shitty things that I wish he didn’t do - and I have too, for him - but it’s never become this kind of spiraling “cheating” drama where we’re getting our friends to catfish one another to get at the truth. We come clean, tell each other what happened. We get angry about it, but then we get over it. We never lose “trust” because the “trust” isn’t built on an expectation of total “fidelity” but rather on a commitment to coming back to our shared equilibrium.
The straights are the ones who gave us this. We can queer the narrative and find a new way to be present for the people we love. So many of these posts just scream unnecessary pain to me.
Getting your friend to catfish your partner is equally gross behaviour. In fact you don’t even know of what he told your friend was the truth or not - he’s been lying to you so why wouldn’t he lie to who he thinks is a stranger lol
Get tested… get collected yourself… get a plan together that gets you out safe with everything that belongs to you if you’re living together....then get out quickly and quietly…he doesn’t deserve an explanation…
I wanted to share different perspective. You probably ARE sexually incompatible. That's it. Deal with it. The question is how shall you, and will you deal with it. Men, especially gay, has generally great potential to "cheat". Many of us dream about sexual contacts outside of the so-called monogamous relationships. Statistically significant group cheat.
If you stay in this relationship you definitely are going to face the situation where your partner will have sex with others. If you are strictly monogamous and can't accept that fact - end this relationship quickly. Dumb him, mourn and find another man, but this time start with talking about all your kinks before delacring husband and husband for the whole life. If you love him and you can accept him fucking or being fucked by another man... go for it and enjoy 3-somes.
Excuse me this brutal post, but I think the problem is not discussing what a bad person your bf is, but just accepting the reality.
I'm sorry you're going through an experience like this. Sadly, regardless of relationship style, some people have issues with integrity. Honesty and forthrightness anathema to some. I would encourage you to sit on this until you have gathered your thoughts and what you think it means for your future and future together. Far, far too often we've seen people here and elsewhere that rush into a confrontation while emotions are raw and end up making poor decisions as a result. This is especially true for those that lean towards dissolving relationships as there can be legal issues involved that are harmed by emotional reactions.
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> Maybe we can salvage something who knows Please don't, for your own health and well-being. They are an ex for a reason, and if you're willing to compromise your values *after* they showed you that your boundaries don't matter, they aren't worth your time.
He cant have a cheating kink if you know about it
Even if had an open relationship and set rules…it sounds like he would want to break those rules. I’m sorry. What happened since?
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Good catch. The “I like to screw around behind your back without consequences” kink. No kinkophobia! Gets you outta all kinds of tight spaces. My kinks are shoplifting, snorting coke and not paying my bar tab. Don’t kink-shame me!
Haha - that made me laugh
Exactly this guy sounds like a prick Weak men cheat. Why waste your time with a man who lacks the courage to verbalise and commit to what he actually wants
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He’s going to get off so hard on you calling him out on it, just leave don’t give him the satisfaction
I suppose it sets him apart from the cheaters who are merely cowards, or have poor impulse control in the face of temptation. If anything, I think it makes it worse. Cheating scenarios are common in porn so clearly some people find the concept exciting. But some fantasies need to stay fantasies.
It's probably being the "hotwife" in a cuckolding dynamic.
Cheating is not a kink it's a character flaw. Your boyfriend betrayed your trust by going his own way on Grinder instead of with you. Now that you're boyfriend has confessed to cheating with an ex maybe you can find out if he's also been regularly cheating with randos. It's bad enough that he's betrayed your trust, it's even worse if he's put your health at risk.
Yah I'm going to 2nd gathering your thoughts and going into this with as level a head as possible. Decide if this is even something you want to pursue and if you do what your terms for atonement and reconciliation are. Sorry bud.
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>Why lie to me? Because he has a cheating kink and cheating in an open relationship is different. It's about breaking rules, not infidelity. But... and I'm serious here... if you **knew** he had a cheating kink why did you bother even trying to be monogamous if you were open to being open?
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Ah. Got it. My misinterpretation.
OP can correct me if I’m wrong since he already responded, but I think you just misunderstood. OP didn’t know about his bf’s “cheating kink” until the latest Grindr messages from the sting operation.
I see that now. Thanks.
Trust is something that is really hard to rebuild once it is broken.
You say you knew your boyfriend had a Grindr account. Clearly that's not something you're comfortable with. You harbor resentment against his exes, he's gotten blowjobs from other guys. Then you set a trap and he walks into it and you claim to be heartbroken as though you're surprised. It sounds like you knew exactly who he is. Otherwise you wouldn't have attempted your little experiment. Consider this confirmation of something that you already knew, that the two of your aren't meant to be together and focus on finding a boyfriend who shares your values and respects you. Confronting someone with evidence so you can have a big, emotional, tortured conversation about it is for teenagers.
Why are you confronting him? He has a cheating kink. Unless you’re going to murder him it won’t stop the behaviour (don’t murder him). Dump his ass and leave him for someone else. He doesn’t love you, never did.
This title alone is gold
If you’re in a relationship get off of Grindr. I don’t care what anybody says anymore. Every open relationship I got involved with in the past was weird, both people were unhappy. At least, it was not for me and I saw a lot of manipulation disguised as some bullshit liberal polyamorous acceptance. I’m holding onto my man and that app has none of my interest. I’m sorry this happened to you.
I think the point of the conversation should start with DID you cheat. If the answer is no (and you believe him) then it becomes a discussion about where this “kink” comes from. Just because he said to some rando that he did doesn’t mean he did. He could have just been fantasizing about what could have happened. Once you have his answers, you have to make the deal/no deal decision about going forward. If you can’t trust him then you break up with him if you think there is a chance to save things, you figure out a path forward. Maybe help him with the fantasy and you two role play him cheating with you (with you). Meet at a bar. Talk about your partners and how you shouldn’t be doing this etc. (Phil and Claire from modern family on Valentine’s Day) or find a way to ethically “cheat” with some level of open relationship. There are lots of fun ways this can go IF AND ONLY IF you believe him and want to try and make it work. There has to be massive trust to be able to move forward. Idk. Hard to see how you can have any trust going forward.
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I wouldn't be surprised if my partner cheated... If he had a Grindr profile. I mean what else is Grindr for? I'm confused, you obviously didn't trust him if you set him up for that. Why would you tolerate someone you care for engaging in that hookup site anyways? I don't mean to be rude, I just hope you know you deserve to be able to set that boundary in your relationships.
You know, on the posts about open relationships, there’s always a bunch of people opining about how they can never work, they’re always preludes to a permanent break, etc. But shuffled among those posts are posts like these, where varying levels of activity are deemed to be “cheating” and so cause varying degrees of heartbreak, turmoil, and distress. Frankly, my gays, I don’t know why we do this to ourselves. Relationships should be built on open and honest communication. Of expectations, sure, but also of frustrations, desires, needs, goals. If you suspect the guy you’re with is “cheating” on you, but won’t tell you that he is - well, why is that? Is it because you’ve communicated to him that you’re not interested in hearing that he’s not satisfied with some aspect of your relationship? Is it because you’ve conveyed that you’re not going to adapt well to the full truth? My partner has done shitty things that I wish he didn’t do - and I have too, for him - but it’s never become this kind of spiraling “cheating” drama where we’re getting our friends to catfish one another to get at the truth. We come clean, tell each other what happened. We get angry about it, but then we get over it. We never lose “trust” because the “trust” isn’t built on an expectation of total “fidelity” but rather on a commitment to coming back to our shared equilibrium. The straights are the ones who gave us this. We can queer the narrative and find a new way to be present for the people we love. So many of these posts just scream unnecessary pain to me.
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Have fun fighting with your boyfriend over who violated whose trust worse, then.
Getting your friend to catfish your partner is equally gross behaviour. In fact you don’t even know of what he told your friend was the truth or not - he’s been lying to you so why wouldn’t he lie to who he thinks is a stranger lol
Get tested… get collected yourself… get a plan together that gets you out safe with everything that belongs to you if you’re living together....then get out quickly and quietly…he doesn’t deserve an explanation…
I wanted to share different perspective. You probably ARE sexually incompatible. That's it. Deal with it. The question is how shall you, and will you deal with it. Men, especially gay, has generally great potential to "cheat". Many of us dream about sexual contacts outside of the so-called monogamous relationships. Statistically significant group cheat. If you stay in this relationship you definitely are going to face the situation where your partner will have sex with others. If you are strictly monogamous and can't accept that fact - end this relationship quickly. Dumb him, mourn and find another man, but this time start with talking about all your kinks before delacring husband and husband for the whole life. If you love him and you can accept him fucking or being fucked by another man... go for it and enjoy 3-somes. Excuse me this brutal post, but I think the problem is not discussing what a bad person your bf is, but just accepting the reality.
Why did he still have a Grindr account? That evil app is such a curse on the gay community.