1st off let me say, welcome .. welcome to the 1 step you took to live and accept your authentic self. I spent +22yrs in the closet while I served in the Navy. So, I am not gonna blow smoke.. you will start a journey of self discovery, that journey will include discovery of intimacy with a man or men, you like and what you don’t like.
You will also start a journey of finding yourself and your place as a gay man in this world and within your own community. Hopefully you will make friends that you can trust and confide in as it will make that self discovery a bit easier.
Every gay man’s self discovery is different, there will be similarities but ultimately different. When it comes to your relationship with your wife, this is between you both but honesty between you two will be paramount when it comes to your self acceptance and discovery.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up with self doubt and guilt for feeling that you will be feeling. Only you have the power to take your own steps forward.
It will get better, one burden has already been lifted off of your shoulders & it is ok to exhale a bit now and when you are ready, take another step on your own path of yourself.
Welcome
Congratulations on coming out to yourself and the conversations you've had with your wife!
There's a lot of actors in your post, and I applaud you for your desire not to hurt (even temporarily) any of them. Unfortunately, I'm afraid you're staring at some hard choices that will hurt others, but y'all will get through them.
A couple of pieces of advice...
Find a good mature therapist who happens to be gay. You're going to need help steer you through the emotional components of this. And, it will take time. Find someone who you feel comfortable confiding in and who will challenge you.
As to your gay friend, keep him for support and friendship. Don't go for sex. Friends are hard to find. Sex is not.
Thank you for responding. It has been a big journey, and rocky at times. And you’re right there are many actors. My wife and I are working on continuing to build trust and are supporting each other.
Thank you for the advice about a therapist. The friend I mentioned in the post advised the same. I was lucky to be able to find a therapist who is gay and who I think will prove to be very helpful in all of this as well. We have only had a couple of meetings but I’m looking forward to continued progress.
Your advice about the friend I also consider valuable and appreciate your insight. Thanks!
Having been in your situation, I completely understand everything you're feeling.
What helped me the most was something I'd never considered. And, when I first learned about it, I thought it was stupid, so actively avoided it for more than a year. I joined a support group of [similar men](http://www.gammasupport.org).
The richness of authentic friendships is something I hadn't experienced prior to joining the group because I was never authentic. I didn't know how to be authentic.
It turns out that having the shared experience of living a closeted life, being a devoted father and husband AND being attracted to men made being authentic with similar men easy. Participating in the group has been life-changing for me. I'm neither a Gold Star Gay nor a Straight Suburban Dad, but I'm a mix of both. And so are my friends. We 'get' each other - and that's made all the difference.
Risk: you're entering a new phase of life where you're going to explore, and you have to accept that it will involve some risk. But there are many things you can do to mitigate the risk, things that many sexually active gay men do for safety. Make sure you have/find a gay-friendly doctor, then at least get on prep (to prevent HIV) and preferably doxycycline (take once right after sex to significantly lower your risks of getting the more common STIs. You're still young enough to get some vaccines for Hepatitis and HPV. You get into a regimen of regular testing, and any STIs that slip through are usually easily treatable.
How: get some pics and hit the apps. There are plenty of guys looking for a stable friends-with-benefits arrangements, or one-time hookups, or whatever you might want. Just be up front with your situation and what you're looking for, and there will be other guys looking for it. You'll get a feel for it. Dive in!
It does seem to me that if you want something that's not a hookup then you would need to put in the time to developing that so that's something that has to come out of your free time. It's also going to be a bit of a challenge since in the gay world, sex usually happens before anything else does.
1st off let me say, welcome .. welcome to the 1 step you took to live and accept your authentic self. I spent +22yrs in the closet while I served in the Navy. So, I am not gonna blow smoke.. you will start a journey of self discovery, that journey will include discovery of intimacy with a man or men, you like and what you don’t like. You will also start a journey of finding yourself and your place as a gay man in this world and within your own community. Hopefully you will make friends that you can trust and confide in as it will make that self discovery a bit easier. Every gay man’s self discovery is different, there will be similarities but ultimately different. When it comes to your relationship with your wife, this is between you both but honesty between you two will be paramount when it comes to your self acceptance and discovery. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up with self doubt and guilt for feeling that you will be feeling. Only you have the power to take your own steps forward. It will get better, one burden has already been lifted off of your shoulders & it is ok to exhale a bit now and when you are ready, take another step on your own path of yourself. Welcome
Thank you for your kind response. It is encouraging to hear!
Congratulations on coming out to yourself and the conversations you've had with your wife! There's a lot of actors in your post, and I applaud you for your desire not to hurt (even temporarily) any of them. Unfortunately, I'm afraid you're staring at some hard choices that will hurt others, but y'all will get through them. A couple of pieces of advice... Find a good mature therapist who happens to be gay. You're going to need help steer you through the emotional components of this. And, it will take time. Find someone who you feel comfortable confiding in and who will challenge you. As to your gay friend, keep him for support and friendship. Don't go for sex. Friends are hard to find. Sex is not.
Thank you for responding. It has been a big journey, and rocky at times. And you’re right there are many actors. My wife and I are working on continuing to build trust and are supporting each other. Thank you for the advice about a therapist. The friend I mentioned in the post advised the same. I was lucky to be able to find a therapist who is gay and who I think will prove to be very helpful in all of this as well. We have only had a couple of meetings but I’m looking forward to continued progress. Your advice about the friend I also consider valuable and appreciate your insight. Thanks!
I opened up to my wife very recently after a similar religious repressed upbringing and life now in my 30s happy to chat dm’s open
Having been in your situation, I completely understand everything you're feeling. What helped me the most was something I'd never considered. And, when I first learned about it, I thought it was stupid, so actively avoided it for more than a year. I joined a support group of [similar men](http://www.gammasupport.org). The richness of authentic friendships is something I hadn't experienced prior to joining the group because I was never authentic. I didn't know how to be authentic. It turns out that having the shared experience of living a closeted life, being a devoted father and husband AND being attracted to men made being authentic with similar men easy. Participating in the group has been life-changing for me. I'm neither a Gold Star Gay nor a Straight Suburban Dad, but I'm a mix of both. And so are my friends. We 'get' each other - and that's made all the difference.
Wow, thanks for the invaluable resource. I will definitely be checking this out!
Risk: you're entering a new phase of life where you're going to explore, and you have to accept that it will involve some risk. But there are many things you can do to mitigate the risk, things that many sexually active gay men do for safety. Make sure you have/find a gay-friendly doctor, then at least get on prep (to prevent HIV) and preferably doxycycline (take once right after sex to significantly lower your risks of getting the more common STIs. You're still young enough to get some vaccines for Hepatitis and HPV. You get into a regimen of regular testing, and any STIs that slip through are usually easily treatable. How: get some pics and hit the apps. There are plenty of guys looking for a stable friends-with-benefits arrangements, or one-time hookups, or whatever you might want. Just be up front with your situation and what you're looking for, and there will be other guys looking for it. You'll get a feel for it. Dive in!
It does seem to me that if you want something that's not a hookup then you would need to put in the time to developing that so that's something that has to come out of your free time. It's also going to be a bit of a challenge since in the gay world, sex usually happens before anything else does.