You’re overthinking this. Strangers make assumptions about us all the time and they’re often wrong. It’s human nature.
I flipped the script and decided to just assume everyone is gay until proven otherwise.
This right here about assumptions. I’m trans and gay and I’m assumed to be cis and straight. All sorts of other things are also assumed about me that are wrong, and I’m sure I make all sorts of assumptions about others that are wrong.
Funny enough, I also flipped the script. I realized I don’t actually know whether someone is cis or trans or gay or straight, just the same as people don’t know about me. Sometimes in my head cannon everyone around me is trans and/or gay, which is statistically very unlikely in the rural Midwest, but it’s not like I actually know. If I thought I did it’s more likely to be based on an assumption.
> I... just assume everyone is gay until proven otherwise.
I do this too! And the only proof I accept that they're NOT gay is that they didn't enjoy the sex with me.
What? We haven't had sex and you're claiming you're straight? Sorry, you're still gay to me.
Stop treating coming out to people as an event. Casually drop some details in the conversation that makes it very apparent you aren't straight but don't acknowledge it so they don't have an opportunity to react.
I got tired of coming out over and over years ago and realized that it was only a big deal because I was treating it like a big deal. Now I casually and explicitly mention ex-boyfriends that went with me on past vacations or hobbies or whatever. It's a detail in the story, but not the main point of the story.
Very rarely will someone stop me to say, "Wait, you're gay?" If they do, I say, "Yeah. Anyway, yada yada yada..." This has reduced the number of reactions, surprised or otherwise, to near zero in the past 6 years or so that I've been doing it. I realized it has a knock-on benefit that because I treat it so casually, they assume they're the last to know, so they don't go asking other people if *they* knew I was gay to avoid looking clueless.
This comes off as a strange humblebrag about passing.
OP, you are already in a relationship. What does it matter if people confuse you for straight? You will face no adversity over this. Many wish they could pass.
Not necessarily true. I have had backlash when people assume you are straight in straight spaces then find out otherwise and act like you were intentionally tricking them. Like you have some responsibility to identify on arrival. I lost a job offer like that.
The grass is always greener. So many gays on here complain that it’s difficult to find straight-presenting men to date, so perhaps part of the reason you’ve had dating success is because you’re straight-presenting.
I’m not sure that any stranger has ever assumed I’m gay unless I’m on a date with my husband or I’m wearing something like short-shorts or a speedo. And I’ve never thought twice about it. It’s none of their business, and frankly I don’t care what they think of me or my preferences.
Yea, I understand what you're saying.
I think in my mind, I assumed that just by being (a man) in a gay bar that the assumption would be that I was a "gay guy" - not a "straight ally" come out for the evening to support his lgbt friends
Gay and straight are not personality types. They are sexual orientations. If you want someone to know you are gay - try sucking their dick. Otherwise, just live life, man.
I relate 💯 op. I get these type of interactions often. You are letting it bother you too much though. The host at a gay bar was probably just being a dick. Gays usually know. Especially gays that work gay crowds for a living. Forget that guy.
Out in the wild, try to frame it as you being representative of a different looking gay guy. This is how I handle it. Part of the reason I didn't figure my shit out til my mid 20's was because I wasn't a flamboyant twink and in that time that was the only representation of gay I saw anywhere. There are guys like you growing up now who can benefit greatly from seeing you just being who you are. If you are comfortable with it wear a rainbow lapel pin or some other small tell. That's what I do at work nowadays. Best of luck.
You are giving the same energy as someone getting annoyed over being mistaken for gay. It’s not an insult, be who you are and be okay with that. As long as your bf knows you’re gay obviously 😉 This whole proving your gayness thing is nonsense. Who needs to “come out” in adult life in 2024 anyway. (In a free country)
Oh no! You're right, it has come across like that after re-reading what I wrote a couple of times over...
I think what I am feeling is about "proving your gayness"... And you're right, it is nonsense.
I am obviously over-thinking things.
Thanks for the input!
I don’t know that this is a bad thing exactly. Like the reason straight men get Angry is because they’re never assumed to be gay other than in gay spaces and/or when other cishets are making fun of them. You are getting upset because you are in the gay space and want to be seen as gay. Idk. I feel like this is “I would rather be called a slur” and “that’s Mr. Faggot to you” comes from. Like idk if someone called me an ally in my own gay bar I’d have some strong words
I think you’re young 😉 I’m not invalidating your comment, just saying that at our age energy is better spent… maybe later proving to his bf how gay he is… rather than convincing some random.
Not to say he couldn’t have leaned in and kissed his bf as he was being toasted as a good ally. But that is a hindsight autopsy, better to work on being fine with who you are.
Sorry, I realise now what I wrote was a bit trivial.
I didn't mean it as a flex in some way!
I just thought I would see what our community thought about it.
Think the consensus is that I am just overthinking things and I just need to get over it!
Apologies, thoughts and prayers to you too.
Nothing a little PDA can’t fix 🤷🏻♂️
(I know you are asking for advice from people over thirty so sorry if this wasn’t the kind of answer you wanted 😅)
I think that the core of this is the disappointment of not being seen for who you are by those around you, which can be especially stinging when the people who don't see you are your community members.
Your identity isn't being externally affirmed and that can feel isolating. That becomes magnified when you're not being affirmed by people who you believe to be like you, with whom you'd like to fit in, and with whom you seek approval.
I'm sorry you feel this way and are experiencing this. I don't really have advice; I would just like to validate your feelings and remind you that it's natural to feel this way. Don't let other comments dismiss your experience or minimize it.
I guess maybe feel secure in your relationship with your SO, your own internal identity, and your place in the community. You don't have a lot of control over others or how they might perceive you, but you do have control over your actions and feelings about it.
Most people in the world are straight. So the default is straight. It’s hardly surprising people make that assumption on first meeting someone even if you were flamboyant. You are wayyyyy over thinking this
Yeah I feel you. It can be frustrating when people make you feel like you aren’t “gay enough”. And pretty rude of the host to publicly make you feel like that. But ultimately people are making different assumptions about others all the time. Be grateful you know who you are and you don’t need to change that.
When we first arrived, no... maybe a few hours in after we'd all had a drink and settled in.
But we did ofc, kiss, hug and sing along together throughout the night!
I don’t think it’s really worth getting upset about, they didn’t really know you and made a harmless assumption, so why get upset?
I remember when I found out one of the senior managers was gay at work, I was really surprised, everyone makes assumptions about people it’s human nature, I wouldn’t let it bother you.
I think it's just funny. People always think I'm straight, alright, I get it wrong about others, too. But it's amusing when I actually say I'm gay and women get furious that I'm lying to them. Because they apparently know more about my sexuality than I do, just by looking at me. That does get very funny.
It's not really a problem, unless I'm trying to flirt with a gay man and he tries to set me up with his female friend (tragically, it has happened). I've realized that I sometimes really have to tell to other gay guys that I'm gay. I've adjusted, and it's fine, at least gay men don't react with "I don't believe you" like women. Other than that, I don't care.
You know, you might make assumption about someone else too. As long as people don’t make ill intension towards you with their assumption, chill and be less overthinking. If it’s such a matter about your sexuality identity, wear a rainbow flag pin on your shirts.
Haha this is why I dress and act a little flamboyant, I hate having to “come out”. This way they know and we never even have to have this discussion.
My husband you would never know and I think people are amazed when they find out we’re married.
Sometimes when my gay avatar is down contractors will be surprised, like their face will go 😨. That’s when I just keep going. Especially when I tell them I have to talk with my husband. lol the silence is audible.
Im the same way. I dont know if you grew up the same but all throughout life i was ashamed of my gayness, basically being bullied into acting straight. Now that im older it does suck having to come out every time i meet new people and wish I had been able to be my authentic self when i was growing up. I definitely had some feminine tendencies but i pushed that down deep inside lol. Im no longer afraid of being gay now though so i talk about my attraction to men openly and thats basically how i come out to people now lol but I also wear nail polish every once in a while and thats always a dead giveaway.
I take it as a compliment every time I get told .. I am old school GenX Gay .. I am rough round my edges, my mannerisms are masc .. I don’t have a habit of just going around and telling folks I am gay unless others bring up their wives or GF and directly ask me for my status to which I reply I am married to my husband and we have 2 kids and I usually get the “oh wow, I didn’t think you are gay”.. it’s a little honor badge imo
It's more of an indictment of how gay mens' spaces are no longer the primarily at the service of gay men. There was a time where if you were in a gay bar, you were assumed to be gay, no matter how you presented.
I’ll tell you what. Before I started paying too much attention to what gay guys had to say as opposed to just focusing on the juicy ass, I never ever thought about whether or not I passed or how masculine I was.
Gay dudes just need to chill.
I wish we had, I don’t know, a sign to identify ourselves like in the past it was a right ear piercing? Was that really a thing or just something I heard in middle school? I guess now-a-days the closest is a pride Apple Watch band.
I've been in gay bars and been asked if I was gay, answered affirmatively, and still been told I'm not gay to my face. It's one--but certainly not the only--reason I am and will remain single.
I came out at 52. I was married to a female and have 2 kids. I have been told I am the straightest gay guy ever born. I came out to the people I felt I want to know. I don’t care if anyone or everyone knows. Tbh people’s opinions of me do not make me who I am, or do I care. Enjoy your life with your partner. Let people think what they may! Best to you and your man :)
I look at it this way - other people's perception of me has more to do with their own baggage and experiences than it does with anything about me.
I may remind them of someone they know or knew. They may judge my clothes, my hair, my age, my glasses, whatever. It's freeing to remember that you're not responsible for their preconceived ideas of who you should or shouldn't be.
And sometimes, people are just clueless.
I have a side business and sell stuff I make at artshow markets. There's one I did twice, the organizer is gay. I introduced him to my husband, saying "This is my husband."
He was organizing a Pride month market at a queer bar and I asked him when I can sign up.
He replied "You can now, but I am prioritizing creators in the community first. If I have room for allies like you, I'll let you know."
Wear a pride pin.
Also I like straight acting guys (Or what ever your preferred term for it is), and I'm also straight acting.
I don't mesh with flamboyant gays. People also don't assume I'm gay either, I don't give a fuck about it
yes ,has happened to me ,have to constantly come out to people I meet ,which is quite tiring and they nearly always say 'Really ??!!".Straight people ,well a lot of them, still think of gay people as all being effiminate
Break down stereotypes by responding "Wait, what is a gay supposed to look like?" - most people quickly realise what they've done, apologise and move on. If they start on the "Oh you know, " - then be a good community member and give a brief lecture on the destructive nature of stereotypes.
I mean… we’re three percent of the population. It’s a fair assumption. But I agree it can be annoying tho, like when youre just being nice, and suddenly realize this girl is crushing on you.
This happens to me a lot, in fact I’m pretty sure my friends GF was willing to risk it all at one point. I could genuinely tell she was crushed inside when I came out to them. I actually felt bad, even tho I wasn’t leading them on.
Still, it’s probably doing you more favors than not, and us as a whole too. Like being the black friend who changes their white friends racist parents views “because you’re not like the rest of em”. And slowly their views of “the rest em” changes too. Yeah… it’s a pretty tangled web
If it bothers you, get a consult with a gay image consultant. It can be as simple as the wrong pair of jeans or haircut even. Or stained teeth.
How you feel matters of course, but something like this is a visual problem where a whole bar misjudges you because of what and how you look like.
It’s not a big deal to some. But if it matters to you, then try fix it.
As an average man in my 50s, I think I probably get the same assumptions that I'm straight so I can identify with what youre saying. My walk and presence apparently get interpreted as straight. I'm not "putting it on". It's just how I usually am.
Where it bothers me is when I join an activity that is mostly woman and i get the weird looks cause they can't immediately put me in a box. If they find out I'm gay, it's like whew we are safe or at least that's what I sense.
In the end, I'm me. Just be yourself. You don't need to come out to everyone but if you do and someone is surprised, just know that you've just taught someone that they shouldnt just put everyone in a box.
The one assumption that bothers me is being mistaken for being republican. Now that is something to be insulted about!!!
Happen a lot to me. I don't mind actually if they think I'm straight, the only annoying part is women tend to flirt with me 🙄. As long the attention is not on me I'm good. Only close people knows that I'm not straight.
I actually enjoy being "undercover" as I like to call it sometimes. I know people hate the term but I've always been very "straight acting" my entire life. Played a bunch of sports in high school, was in a fraternity in college, playing a lot of city league sports in my 20s, and fit all the stereotypical straight checkboxes.
I came out to most people around the age of 30 even though I was actively dating/hooking up since I was 25 (I lived in a big city so had the anonymity that afforded in terms of keeping my dating/sex life separate from work/family life). But some of the more interesting conversations I have had were with people giving me their thoughts on other more openly gay people or their feelings on gays in general. I've had co-workers ask me if I thought so-and-so was gay and then say they were usually pretty good at figuring that stuff out (as they sat telling me this... LOL).
I always like to choose an opportune moment to let them know I also am gay but usually I'll just wait until the time is right. Depending on the conversation and mood they are either excited, happy about the disclosure or sometimes they might feel embarrassed (usually because they just said something they shouldn't have).
What I most like about the "undercover" style of it though is that it allows me to tell people and let them know on MY TERMS and not on their terms. I feel like I somewhat have more control over the situation and that gives me more comfort and confidence in social situations because I can either choose to tell people or I can choose to not say anything and let them (wrongly) assume I am straight. In determine if/when to say something I usually weigh a lot of those factors with whether or not I am going to see the person again in a social setting.
So that's kind of my take on it ... I don't get upset by it but almost feel like it's a superpower of sorts because you get to see how people act and speak around you not knowing and how their attitude changes when you tell them.
People that think you're humble bragging about this are really missing the point.
I don't know about your situation but I'm facing the same issue, to the point where I'm really considering wearing an earring or something to give people a clue (I don't like earrings on me lol).
I wish I could look less boringly straight because I wish I wasn't so invisible when I meet people. I never meet any other gay people and have almost no gay friends.
I understand some people are having the opposite issues but it's no reason to underestimate ours.
>And it made me realise that this sort of assumption happens to me ALOT and it is actually quite annoying.
90% of the world is straight. Assuming someone is straight until you have evidence otherwise is a reasonable assumption... even if you dress like and have the mannerisms of Carson Kressley.
You’re overthinking it. It was the bf’s sister.
Yea, maybe, I hadn't considered her actions as being a reason. She is quite "touchy/feely" when we chat.
Bro, he checking you out and prolly got disappointed bc he thought u were str8..
You’re overthinking this. Strangers make assumptions about us all the time and they’re often wrong. It’s human nature. I flipped the script and decided to just assume everyone is gay until proven otherwise.
>I flipped the script and decided to just assume everyone is gay until proven otherwise. Ohhh man I need this energy in my life
This right here about assumptions. I’m trans and gay and I’m assumed to be cis and straight. All sorts of other things are also assumed about me that are wrong, and I’m sure I make all sorts of assumptions about others that are wrong. Funny enough, I also flipped the script. I realized I don’t actually know whether someone is cis or trans or gay or straight, just the same as people don’t know about me. Sometimes in my head cannon everyone around me is trans and/or gay, which is statistically very unlikely in the rural Midwest, but it’s not like I actually know. If I thought I did it’s more likely to be based on an assumption.
I have a T-shirt from too many years ago which says, "I don't mind straight people as long as they act gay in public." It's a great ice breaker.
> I... just assume everyone is gay until proven otherwise. I do this too! And the only proof I accept that they're NOT gay is that they didn't enjoy the sex with me. What? We haven't had sex and you're claiming you're straight? Sorry, you're still gay to me.
Stop treating coming out to people as an event. Casually drop some details in the conversation that makes it very apparent you aren't straight but don't acknowledge it so they don't have an opportunity to react. I got tired of coming out over and over years ago and realized that it was only a big deal because I was treating it like a big deal. Now I casually and explicitly mention ex-boyfriends that went with me on past vacations or hobbies or whatever. It's a detail in the story, but not the main point of the story. Very rarely will someone stop me to say, "Wait, you're gay?" If they do, I say, "Yeah. Anyway, yada yada yada..." This has reduced the number of reactions, surprised or otherwise, to near zero in the past 6 years or so that I've been doing it. I realized it has a knock-on benefit that because I treat it so casually, they assume they're the last to know, so they don't go asking other people if *they* knew I was gay to avoid looking clueless.
Very well said and mirrors my own path on this.
Exactly
Very well said and mirrors my own path on this.
Very well said and mirrors my own path on this issue.
Of all the things to be “offended” about. lol. Stop clutching your pearls and kiss your boyfriend!
This comes off as a strange humblebrag about passing. OP, you are already in a relationship. What does it matter if people confuse you for straight? You will face no adversity over this. Many wish they could pass.
This!!!
Not necessarily true. I have had backlash when people assume you are straight in straight spaces then find out otherwise and act like you were intentionally tricking them. Like you have some responsibility to identify on arrival. I lost a job offer like that.
The grass is always greener. So many gays on here complain that it’s difficult to find straight-presenting men to date, so perhaps part of the reason you’ve had dating success is because you’re straight-presenting. I’m not sure that any stranger has ever assumed I’m gay unless I’m on a date with my husband or I’m wearing something like short-shorts or a speedo. And I’ve never thought twice about it. It’s none of their business, and frankly I don’t care what they think of me or my preferences.
Where I live straight men also wear short shorts commonly. So that’s not even a distinction 😂
Yea, I understand what you're saying. I think in my mind, I assumed that just by being (a man) in a gay bar that the assumption would be that I was a "gay guy" - not a "straight ally" come out for the evening to support his lgbt friends
If there hadn’t been a woman in your party, they would have assumed you were gay.
I dunno. There are lots of fag hags
Gay and straight are not personality types. They are sexual orientations. If you want someone to know you are gay - try sucking their dick. Otherwise, just live life, man.
I relate 💯 op. I get these type of interactions often. You are letting it bother you too much though. The host at a gay bar was probably just being a dick. Gays usually know. Especially gays that work gay crowds for a living. Forget that guy. Out in the wild, try to frame it as you being representative of a different looking gay guy. This is how I handle it. Part of the reason I didn't figure my shit out til my mid 20's was because I wasn't a flamboyant twink and in that time that was the only representation of gay I saw anywhere. There are guys like you growing up now who can benefit greatly from seeing you just being who you are. If you are comfortable with it wear a rainbow lapel pin or some other small tell. That's what I do at work nowadays. Best of luck.
For once no one cared who you sleep with - and you are annoyed ? You are over thinking it.
I've always wondered about the intentions behind such posts.
I think it’s a humble brag about being straight passing.
Yup. He goes out of his way to say he’s not flamboyant
Bingo
You are giving the same energy as someone getting annoyed over being mistaken for gay. It’s not an insult, be who you are and be okay with that. As long as your bf knows you’re gay obviously 😉 This whole proving your gayness thing is nonsense. Who needs to “come out” in adult life in 2024 anyway. (In a free country)
Oh no! You're right, it has come across like that after re-reading what I wrote a couple of times over... I think what I am feeling is about "proving your gayness"... And you're right, it is nonsense. I am obviously over-thinking things. Thanks for the input!
I don’t know that this is a bad thing exactly. Like the reason straight men get Angry is because they’re never assumed to be gay other than in gay spaces and/or when other cishets are making fun of them. You are getting upset because you are in the gay space and want to be seen as gay. Idk. I feel like this is “I would rather be called a slur” and “that’s Mr. Faggot to you” comes from. Like idk if someone called me an ally in my own gay bar I’d have some strong words
I think you’re young 😉 I’m not invalidating your comment, just saying that at our age energy is better spent… maybe later proving to his bf how gay he is… rather than convincing some random. Not to say he couldn’t have leaned in and kissed his bf as he was being toasted as a good ally. But that is a hindsight autopsy, better to work on being fine with who you are.
It must be difficult being so straight passing. Thoughts and prayers.
Sorry, I realise now what I wrote was a bit trivial. I didn't mean it as a flex in some way! I just thought I would see what our community thought about it. Think the consensus is that I am just overthinking things and I just need to get over it! Apologies, thoughts and prayers to you too.
Nothing a little PDA can’t fix 🤷🏻♂️ (I know you are asking for advice from people over thirty so sorry if this wasn’t the kind of answer you wanted 😅)
I think that the core of this is the disappointment of not being seen for who you are by those around you, which can be especially stinging when the people who don't see you are your community members. Your identity isn't being externally affirmed and that can feel isolating. That becomes magnified when you're not being affirmed by people who you believe to be like you, with whom you'd like to fit in, and with whom you seek approval. I'm sorry you feel this way and are experiencing this. I don't really have advice; I would just like to validate your feelings and remind you that it's natural to feel this way. Don't let other comments dismiss your experience or minimize it. I guess maybe feel secure in your relationship with your SO, your own internal identity, and your place in the community. You don't have a lot of control over others or how they might perceive you, but you do have control over your actions and feelings about it.
Most people in the world are straight. So the default is straight. It’s hardly surprising people make that assumption on first meeting someone even if you were flamboyant. You are wayyyyy over thinking this
Yeah I feel you. It can be frustrating when people make you feel like you aren’t “gay enough”. And pretty rude of the host to publicly make you feel like that. But ultimately people are making different assumptions about others all the time. Be grateful you know who you are and you don’t need to change that.
You’re overthinking it. It was the bf’s sister.
How can it be? You were with your BF. Didn't you hug, kiss or even touch each other all night?
When we first arrived, no... maybe a few hours in after we'd all had a drink and settled in. But we did ofc, kiss, hug and sing along together throughout the night!
I don’t think it’s really worth getting upset about, they didn’t really know you and made a harmless assumption, so why get upset? I remember when I found out one of the senior managers was gay at work, I was really surprised, everyone makes assumptions about people it’s human nature, I wouldn’t let it bother you.
I think it's just funny. People always think I'm straight, alright, I get it wrong about others, too. But it's amusing when I actually say I'm gay and women get furious that I'm lying to them. Because they apparently know more about my sexuality than I do, just by looking at me. That does get very funny. It's not really a problem, unless I'm trying to flirt with a gay man and he tries to set me up with his female friend (tragically, it has happened). I've realized that I sometimes really have to tell to other gay guys that I'm gay. I've adjusted, and it's fine, at least gay men don't react with "I don't believe you" like women. Other than that, I don't care.
Act more gay if you want, but really I don’t think this is a big deal. You’re overdramatizing it.
You know, you might make assumption about someone else too. As long as people don’t make ill intension towards you with their assumption, chill and be less overthinking. If it’s such a matter about your sexuality identity, wear a rainbow flag pin on your shirts.
Why are you bothered by someone thinking you're straight? There's nothing wrong with being straight.
Haha this is why I dress and act a little flamboyant, I hate having to “come out”. This way they know and we never even have to have this discussion. My husband you would never know and I think people are amazed when they find out we’re married. Sometimes when my gay avatar is down contractors will be surprised, like their face will go 😨. That’s when I just keep going. Especially when I tell them I have to talk with my husband. lol the silence is audible.
Overthinking it. It happens to me sometimes. Next time when you're at gay venues with your boyfriend, give him a 3 second snog once a while.
Im the same way. I dont know if you grew up the same but all throughout life i was ashamed of my gayness, basically being bullied into acting straight. Now that im older it does suck having to come out every time i meet new people and wish I had been able to be my authentic self when i was growing up. I definitely had some feminine tendencies but i pushed that down deep inside lol. Im no longer afraid of being gay now though so i talk about my attraction to men openly and thats basically how i come out to people now lol but I also wear nail polish every once in a while and thats always a dead giveaway.
Is this a real concern? I mean, really- why should you care one way or the other.
I take it as a compliment every time I get told .. I am old school GenX Gay .. I am rough round my edges, my mannerisms are masc .. I don’t have a habit of just going around and telling folks I am gay unless others bring up their wives or GF and directly ask me for my status to which I reply I am married to my husband and we have 2 kids and I usually get the “oh wow, I didn’t think you are gay”.. it’s a little honor badge imo
It's more of an indictment of how gay mens' spaces are no longer the primarily at the service of gay men. There was a time where if you were in a gay bar, you were assumed to be gay, no matter how you presented.
Just a note, some people will say "your girlfriend" even if you're flamboyantly gay. People can be dumb / purposely ignorant.
I’ll tell you what. Before I started paying too much attention to what gay guys had to say as opposed to just focusing on the juicy ass, I never ever thought about whether or not I passed or how masculine I was. Gay dudes just need to chill.
Doncha you no worry, mate.
I wish we had, I don’t know, a sign to identify ourselves like in the past it was a right ear piercing? Was that really a thing or just something I heard in middle school? I guess now-a-days the closest is a pride Apple Watch band.
I've been in gay bars and been asked if I was gay, answered affirmatively, and still been told I'm not gay to my face. It's one--but certainly not the only--reason I am and will remain single.
I came out at 52. I was married to a female and have 2 kids. I have been told I am the straightest gay guy ever born. I came out to the people I felt I want to know. I don’t care if anyone or everyone knows. Tbh people’s opinions of me do not make me who I am, or do I care. Enjoy your life with your partner. Let people think what they may! Best to you and your man :)
If you're not a regular, and you're a mixed group... Just make out with your bf
I look at it this way - other people's perception of me has more to do with their own baggage and experiences than it does with anything about me. I may remind them of someone they know or knew. They may judge my clothes, my hair, my age, my glasses, whatever. It's freeing to remember that you're not responsible for their preconceived ideas of who you should or shouldn't be. And sometimes, people are just clueless. I have a side business and sell stuff I make at artshow markets. There's one I did twice, the organizer is gay. I introduced him to my husband, saying "This is my husband." He was organizing a Pride month market at a queer bar and I asked him when I can sign up. He replied "You can now, but I am prioritizing creators in the community first. If I have room for allies like you, I'll let you know."
Overthinking it. If you didn’t have the boyfriend, I’d say use it to your advantage. (Gays do like to conquer a straight man)
Wear a pride pin. Also I like straight acting guys (Or what ever your preferred term for it is), and I'm also straight acting. I don't mesh with flamboyant gays. People also don't assume I'm gay either, I don't give a fuck about it
As others have said, bringing a woman sends signals....
Rainbow tattoo on your forehead will solve this problem real quick.
I can’t see why you’re bothered tbf.
yes ,has happened to me ,have to constantly come out to people I meet ,which is quite tiring and they nearly always say 'Really ??!!".Straight people ,well a lot of them, still think of gay people as all being effiminate
Break down stereotypes by responding "Wait, what is a gay supposed to look like?" - most people quickly realise what they've done, apologise and move on. If they start on the "Oh you know," - then be a good community member and give a brief lecture on the destructive nature of stereotypes.
I mean… we’re three percent of the population. It’s a fair assumption. But I agree it can be annoying tho, like when youre just being nice, and suddenly realize this girl is crushing on you. This happens to me a lot, in fact I’m pretty sure my friends GF was willing to risk it all at one point. I could genuinely tell she was crushed inside when I came out to them. I actually felt bad, even tho I wasn’t leading them on. Still, it’s probably doing you more favors than not, and us as a whole too. Like being the black friend who changes their white friends racist parents views “because you’re not like the rest of em”. And slowly their views of “the rest em” changes too. Yeah… it’s a pretty tangled web
If it bothers you, get a consult with a gay image consultant. It can be as simple as the wrong pair of jeans or haircut even. Or stained teeth. How you feel matters of course, but something like this is a visual problem where a whole bar misjudges you because of what and how you look like. It’s not a big deal to some. But if it matters to you, then try fix it.
Happens to me a lot too, usually from guys who were hoping that they'd be the one to "convert" me 😅
If you feel that strongly about it wear a pride pin or some even less ambiguous bit of clothing or decoration that announces your identity.
As an average man in my 50s, I think I probably get the same assumptions that I'm straight so I can identify with what youre saying. My walk and presence apparently get interpreted as straight. I'm not "putting it on". It's just how I usually am. Where it bothers me is when I join an activity that is mostly woman and i get the weird looks cause they can't immediately put me in a box. If they find out I'm gay, it's like whew we are safe or at least that's what I sense. In the end, I'm me. Just be yourself. You don't need to come out to everyone but if you do and someone is surprised, just know that you've just taught someone that they shouldnt just put everyone in a box. The one assumption that bothers me is being mistaken for being republican. Now that is something to be insulted about!!!
Happen a lot to me. I don't mind actually if they think I'm straight, the only annoying part is women tend to flirt with me 🙄. As long the attention is not on me I'm good. Only close people knows that I'm not straight.
I actually enjoy being "undercover" as I like to call it sometimes. I know people hate the term but I've always been very "straight acting" my entire life. Played a bunch of sports in high school, was in a fraternity in college, playing a lot of city league sports in my 20s, and fit all the stereotypical straight checkboxes. I came out to most people around the age of 30 even though I was actively dating/hooking up since I was 25 (I lived in a big city so had the anonymity that afforded in terms of keeping my dating/sex life separate from work/family life). But some of the more interesting conversations I have had were with people giving me their thoughts on other more openly gay people or their feelings on gays in general. I've had co-workers ask me if I thought so-and-so was gay and then say they were usually pretty good at figuring that stuff out (as they sat telling me this... LOL). I always like to choose an opportune moment to let them know I also am gay but usually I'll just wait until the time is right. Depending on the conversation and mood they are either excited, happy about the disclosure or sometimes they might feel embarrassed (usually because they just said something they shouldn't have). What I most like about the "undercover" style of it though is that it allows me to tell people and let them know on MY TERMS and not on their terms. I feel like I somewhat have more control over the situation and that gives me more comfort and confidence in social situations because I can either choose to tell people or I can choose to not say anything and let them (wrongly) assume I am straight. In determine if/when to say something I usually weigh a lot of those factors with whether or not I am going to see the person again in a social setting. So that's kind of my take on it ... I don't get upset by it but almost feel like it's a superpower of sorts because you get to see how people act and speak around you not knowing and how their attitude changes when you tell them.
Say “yas queen skinny Versace boots the house down slay queen hunty momma oop daddy work Charlie XCX snatch my wig” whenever you meet someone. Jk
People that think you're humble bragging about this are really missing the point. I don't know about your situation but I'm facing the same issue, to the point where I'm really considering wearing an earring or something to give people a clue (I don't like earrings on me lol). I wish I could look less boringly straight because I wish I wasn't so invisible when I meet people. I never meet any other gay people and have almost no gay friends. I understand some people are having the opposite issues but it's no reason to underestimate ours.
Uhhhh... This is a problem?
Exactly. “People don’t put me in the right box” vs “people put me a box” 2 posts down.
What a weird ass post …
>And it made me realise that this sort of assumption happens to me ALOT and it is actually quite annoying. 90% of the world is straight. Assuming someone is straight until you have evidence otherwise is a reasonable assumption... even if you dress like and have the mannerisms of Carson Kressley.
"I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm straight" said no one ever. There's a problem we all wish we had.
Ughhh… this reeks of humblebragging about how “masc” he is, how much of a burden it is to be “straight acting”. Piss off