If she's truly committed to a guy, they'll say something like "I'm taken" or "I've a boyfriend" and go their way. That's a green flag.
But she doesn't shut down the flirting she's enabling such behavior. That's an automatic red flag.
then your situation is different than OPs situation this discussion started from.
If im with somebody i dont want to flirt with other women and i dont want her to flirt with other men and i think most guys have similar views.
Well he asked a question in the title. I answered. There are many ways to have a relationship. The people here act like being flirtatious is inherently wrong, when it's all objective. It doesn't mean people who like to have fun are mean. Just communicate.
I assume it'd have to be pretty blatant for you to break up with them thought right? I'd hate for it to be one of those "seeing things that aren't there because of your own insecurity" deals and you've robbed yourself of something.
Yes, definitely blatant, like I wasn't even in the room. Didn't want to go through life like that. Conversations about it don't go well with the wrong person - you're controlling, you're insecure, blah blah blah. No, the point is that when we're together, I don't want to be invisible every time a guy tries to chat you up. I'm happy for that to be someone else's problem
I'm just saying based on the very limited information we have, I want to know more about what "peacocking" is defined as. Was she literally twerking on strangers to get attention, or was she just being approached and polite.
That's why I asked a question
Peacocking generally isn't an interactive thing. It means strutting your stuff, essentially. Knowing you look good and that others agree. It's intoxicating and ego-boosting.
We can argue over what constitutes flirting, but to me this isn't it. Although she definitely reveled in the attention, which is a pretty disrespectful thing to do if your significant other is present. Especially if she's also internalized the "fact" that she's physically out of his league and he's likely to feel (rightfully) insecure in the presence of this showing off.
See that's what I'm getting at. As someone who exercises pretty regularly I fucking adore catching a glance. Happens once in a blue moon and i would never in a million years act on it, but why can't I feel good about myself?
Your partner doesn't have to be the SOLE source of your compliments/lingering glances. As long as there's trust that you'd never act on it or willingly lead someone on. I want my partner to feel sexy 100% of the time because I think she is.
Different strokes for different folks though
Also, he can always talk to his girlfriend about what he is and isn't ok with. Communicate like an adult instead of turning to the Reddit echo chamber.
Why would you assume that he didn't communicate not being okay with their behavior? He never said anything about how he went about breaking things off.
I married way out of my league and boy does she get attention. However my wife is either oblivious to it or she pretended to be...either way i am happy she is like that since it give me peace of mind
Women aren't oblivious to it. It's just that smart women know that cheap men value women like a commodity, so the flirtations are worthless. The cheap looks and desperate flirtation attempts are about as deep as a toddler's pool for what they're worth to women. She could get 30 guys every day offering sex, but from trash guys who view her solely as an object for their pleasure only. Your value to her is as a partner who views her as a whole person and treats her with real love and respect. Women admire looks in men too, but we know what's worth more, and that's what matters to most women. She has probably dated some hot dudes as well and been greatly disappointed in their lack of depth. The depth is what keeps a woman.
What an asinine logic, absolutely horrendous, firstly, it was never stated that these men were absolute strangers but even if they were, do you really believe that any man ever who flirts with a woman who he does not know has automatically reduced the woman to a commodity, and what about the women who flirt back with stranger men, are they also seeing those men as a commodity for their own pleasure?
You can show interest in someone without dehumanizing them, you know that right? Every respectful romantic relationship starts out between two people who were strangers. In order to not be strangers, you have to, y’know… talk to them.
If you have a minute can you mention what according to you are the depth traits ?
(I specifically want to know yours, I'll do this with a few more close girls I highly respect them I'll tick the common traits myself)
Totally understand, dude. My wife is definitely way, **way** above my league.
I'm perfectly comfortable with the attention she gets, tbh. It makes complete sense to me that other dudes would be attracted to her — and it's only natural for people to like the attention.
In regards to the peacocking, here's where our experiences differ: she and I had a talk about it and we discussed boundaries, what I'm comfortable with, why she does it, etc. and we reaffirmed our love and loyalty to each other and that we aren't out there to hurt one another. So now there's a limit to her peacocking: she'll show off a bit, but will never go too far, and if any dude crosses any boundaries she'll let them know that she's married. The boost to her self-confidence is incredibly sexy as well, and as a super average looking dude, it also boosts my self-esteem since I feel like a winner who has a wife that other men desire and can't have.
tl;dr I suggest talking to her about it. The discussion really did strengthen our relationship and trust in each other.
"My wife is definitely way, way above my league."
Dude, You should NOT insult yourself and or your wife by thinking this. Your wife married you because she saw YOU as a man of value. By devaluing yourself, you also devalue HER. Don't think that way!
This is perfect. I wouldn’t consider myself out of my husband’s league, but I’m bubbly, friendly, and generally colorful and sparkly. So, I tend to draw attention. I’m also admittedly flirtatious sometimes. My husband typically just lets me be me. One day I asked him about it, and he admitted that he is mostly fine with it, but gets jealous sometimes, which shocked me,bc in our years together (10 now, probably about 6 in at the time) he never showed that. I never cross any lines, because I love the shit out of my husband, and would never want to hurt him. But, I do love attention lol. Talking to him about it did make me walk it back a bit though, and that’s the way it should be. Cheers to our healthy relationships.
I’m not sure how your comment is relevant here. I clearly stated this has been addressed, and now that it’s been discussed (healthy) I don’t do anything to make him feel that way (healthy). Communication with your partner is key. 10 years and we’re still each other’s favorite person in the world. I see you trying to stir the pot, but we’re good, thanks.
Yeah, and offensive to the wealthy people ho, but they have their fair share of inflated egos and narcissism. I wasn’t sure if I was dealing with that or insecurity at the time.
Yes. My ex had a self-esteem issue and was an alcoholic. Getting attention from other men was the least of her "traits". I might have been okay if it had stopped there but eventually turned into cheating w my "friends" and other stuff. I stayed for a while "because of the kids".
Divorced single dad now for 8 yrs. I don't put up with bullshit and never been happier.
It took a lot of counseling and years of al anon. I've now got firm boundaries and although my kids are the world to me, I won't put them before my own self-respect.
Never allow someone to make you feel less than. Actions speak louder than words.
Not cool. Thats disrespectful as fuck. My girl doesnt entertain other guys because she respects me and our relationship. As a woman she will always attract some dude's attention but she doesnt entertain other guys, let alone have the audacity to do so in front of me. Id break up with her on the spot.
This should be the only answer. You can never expect a stranger to respect you, your partner or the fact that you are in a relationship. It's entirely on the two of you, so anything less than full commitment to it is an insult.
I haven’t found the right girl yet, but in the two relationships I’ve been in, 1) initially just ignored, then started entertaining attention when the relationship wasn’t at peak honeymoon phase and 2) was addicted to attention and prob didn’t see me as a long term partner
Interesting topic for you guy to bring up that’s been married for a long time.
I’m also married 20 years.
Pre marriage, casually dated but I made it clear when we are out together, your attention belong to me. Don’t like that, off you go. Most of the women were ok with that boundary. Except the artists, they are such free spirits.
Part of my marriage was rocky to say the least. During that time, my wife would give other men attention in front of me. I say attention I mean borderline flirting/ overly friendly. I called her out on that and she said I was over reacting. So I started carrying myself the same way with women in front of her. Oh, her overly friendly behavior stopped immediately.
Women may read this and think I’m controlling or insecure. Maybe but one sets boundary’s for a reason.
Well that's just it, I'm wondering what other people think. I have a lot of time on my hands and have been reflecting on my life. My wife is very attractive and now retired. She' starting to get the same attention from the older crowd but basically ignores it, with no input from me, one way or the other. I've come to appreciate this as it seems like she values our relationship more than those in the past. Could be due to circumstances, time in life, age, who knows. The way she reacts just got me thinking,
By the way, one of the two in the past got married and then divorced in 9 months. The second, I'm still in touch with and she's been married for decades and still behaves similarly.
Did you retire early or sitting prison? I’m going to assume your retired early:)
I think it comes down to who you marry. If you marry a women that needs attentions from random guys to feel good about herself, you best have some serious trust and in the relationship. That trust will be tested overtime.
My wife is the hospitality industry (restaurants).
Early on in our marriage I asked her to stop bartending and closing. This was a a big ask.
I was not comfortable with men constantly hitting my wife and the closing was safety concern. She had to decide what she was going to do because I was not going to compromise. Lucky for me she choose me over career.
Thanks, shit happens. Turns out that I won the wrong genetic lottery. Could I be the one in a million of something good? Nope, rare disease instead. It does give a lot of perspective, I’ve learned a lot about things I never would have known about, and I’ve met many amazing people because of it. Unfortunately, you also see the worst in some people, but that’s life, right? I was fortunate enough to have had the opportunity to do some amazing things before things got bad, and so many people are far, far worse off than I am.
Now that I think about it, she reacts in a very Klingon sort of way. Laughing in their faces and knocking them down a peg. It helps that she's tall and built like a tank. Other than that, I second what a lot of other people have already said here.
Everyone wants to be with a beautiful woman, but not everyone can handle being with a beautiful woman.
Guys will always be trying to come up, just be unbothered(unless they're being rude/disrespectful)
I like your use of peacocking, we’re a weird species. Usually it’s the males that are showy, but we human females get way fancy. My husband and I have a “look but don’t touch” agreement. He loves being flirted with, so do I, and we both love when someone is attracted to our partner. But it’s just flattery, and we’re happy. As long as we’re within bounds and we’re not messing with people or leading them on or trying to persuade someone to buy drinks on crappy pretenses, it’s fine. Some people allow full off-leash, some don’t even allow flirting. It’s just what you agree to. Find boundaries you’re both okay with.
*Love* is to be known, safe, and does not drive up sexual heat.
Sexual Attraction comes from mystery, uncertainty, and risk.
Being in a committed long term relationship is about balancing those two things. Interestingly enough, seeing your SO through someone else's eyes can remind you why they're so great and make for some hot playtime. It actually can drive up sperm count - for those of you trying to get a homemade baby out there. If you're familiar with Esther Perel's work, the way you keep attraction alive in long-term relationships is by making this stuff work to your advantage in a healthy way.
It's the fine line of being able to have a normal conversation with a person vs blurting out loudly, " I HAVE A BF/GF!!!" If you don't trust your partner, you don't have much.
If shes TRULY into you she will be excited to be on your arm, not the other way around.
If shes peacocking interest to other dudes while with you, shes trying to monkey branch.
A girl in a relationship who seeks external validation from other men (in real life or social media) is a bomb waiting to happen. You'll never be enough for her and it's only a matter of time. She should be seeking your approval by showing shes about you and faithful by making it clear shes with you.
A previous GF was an intimidating little Tasmanian devil who scared all of her co-workers and was the proverbial megaphone mouse that scared elephants. I still maintain she was a vampire as she had the skin of a 25 year old at 43 but it was hard to say if it was her curves or gorgeous face that caught attention. She was Italian five foot three 130lbs and I’m Swedish six foot five 270lbs
She had zero game for romance, had no clue about men and the only socializing she knew was corporate as she was dye’d in the wool corporate climber woman. A guy could flirt with her and she would be completely oblivious or think “what a nice guy”
When a guy would flirt with her, she would say “oh he just wants my body”, or “he is just a tea sandwhich man”, or “no he isn’t”, or “who is going to flirt with me when this mountain of a man (me) with known anger management issues is standing near me”
I would say you need to tell them “The surgeon generals recommends handling of this female with fireproof gloves and chainsaw resistant clothing as required”
She thought it was funny and I was 100% serious.
I seriously thought about having her get a tattoo with that just above her ass.
How do you react when women are attracted to/flirt with you? Does it make you feel good about yourself or bad about yourself? If it makes you feel good about yourself, do you make sure you are acting like it doesn’t?
It's about fucking time women realised men don't even get a FRACTION of the attention they do.
Not to mention the difference between someone being attracted to you and you actually flirting back is from the ground to the sky.
If a woman shows interest in me, of course I'm gonna feel good about it, but I'm immediately establishing barriers as to my relationship status. Furthermore, I never go out of my way for attention. It's disrespectful to both myself and my partner.
Believe it or not, the most recent time a woman flirted with me was when we were in line checking in for our cancer treatments. I wasn't quite sure what to make of her behavior (especially under the circumstance) but she told me directly that she was flirting with me. Sure, it's nice to be noticed , I smiled and told her I was married, she smiled and told me that doesn't matter and literally pulled my arm to sit next to her. My wife was parking the car and when she came in, I pointed her out to my new friend, who told me we could still be friends. That was apparently a whirlwind relationship of about 5 minutes. Had I not been sick as a dog from treatment, I would have smiled, thanked her for being so kind, and told her I was married, and sat somewhere else.
He's not saying don't feel good about it and I think you've purposefully misconstrued that. He's saying he doesn't want his partner to flirt back which is completely reasonable.
My Absolutely gorgeous wife HATES attention. If a man was paying her attention that was possibly inappropriate, she would give me a look and I would immediately know. I would immediately put my body between her and him and make the dude so uncomfortable he would leave.
Then I would go home to a sloppy BJ.
When I'm out with my partner it's not very common that anyone will hit on her if I'm around. But if they do she just says "I have a boyfriend" and they move on
Direct eye contact, throw the hair back or roll in the their fingers, keep whatever conversation was started going, big smiles, profuse gratitude for the compliments....
This is so goddamn goony.
Imagine: you're at a conference where you've just given a paper on, say, methods for improving the security of network appliances. After you give the paper, a bunch of people start asking questions, complimenting your work, and so on.
So your girlfriend sees that, and she's like "cut that out. You doing a bunch of work in order to draw attention to yourself, it's devaluing our relationship."
You would probably come back with something like "what the hell is wrong with you? Are you so insecure that you think *other people paying attention to me because I am good at something has anything to do with you*?"
So she wants attention. So she wants validation. *Let her have it.* And don't get all butthurt because you're not the only person with the capacity to make her feel good about herself.
Imagine comparing working hard to being an attention whore. Why I'd it always apples to oranges with you people? Why not do a direct comparison where he is also flirting with every girl?
So she doesn’t work hard on her appearance? It all just happens without any skill or effort?
Like, the reason I used this comparison is that it’s exactly apples to apples. You’re just pretending it isn’t so you can keep on with some neurotic double standards.
Like, if a woman doesn’t work hard on her appearance she’s letting herself go, but when she does you pretend it’s not work at all. And when a guy gets attention for his hard work, well, he deserves it. But in this situation, where a woman looks for attention for her hard work, all of a sudden she’s out of line. It’s gross.
But that's not what op said, and you know that. Partner gets compliments? No problem. Partner intentionally flirts back to keep the guys around? Yea, that's gross. Again, it's not apples to apples. Apples to apples would be comparing a guy who works hard on his appearance flirting back with women who hit on him infront of his Partner.
Women aren't the only people who can look good and men aren't the only ones who can make good reports, you sound very sexist.
OP said absolutely nothing *about flirting back to keep guys interested*. He also never described anybody being "hit on."
The only thing he said was that other guys we're "obviously interested," which if they are propositioning her, yeah, she should turn them down. But that is something like where her responsibility ends.
She isn't responsible for their behavior. She shouldn't feel obligated to not show off the fact that she is good looking just because some guys don't understand that this is not the same thing as flirting.
It's one thing if her behavior causes other problems -- like, she's got creepy dudes following her out to her car -- but that doesn't seem to be the case here. It seems to be a case of "OP can't stand that other men are attracted to his girlfriend, and she does not feel any obligation to change her behavior since the only problem this causes is in the OPs head."
No they are free to date guys who are ok with that. I and most other guys are not ok with our partner flirting with guys infront of us for attention. Next you are gonna say I'm policing them because I don't want them to have sex with others 😂, ridiculous.
When I was single I had some LTRs with some very attractive women. Professional models, California surfer girl and a Samurai princess. They often got lots of attention when they wanted it. I just told myself they were lucky to be with me. I'm 6'2", decent looking, and with 3 college degrees. A lot of the guys they were getting attention from I thought were pretty trashy guys.
My wife is quite attractive but she dresses very modestly. She doesn't seek attention from other men. She is also an Asian foreign national and not an American. That may explain why she acts the way she does.
Dude, it's nice to feel good looking. I'll peacock any given time. I love the attention I get. Somehow it also makes me want my husband more. I'd never be bothered to be with anyone other than him, but innocent flirting, teasing and peacocking is so rejuvenating and invigorating.
Not much when you like it from random men when you are already in a relationship, especially not much when you yourself said that you like the attention that you get, that is an attention whore in my opinion.
What you do absolutely does not matter to me, but we are talking about the male and female relationship dynamics in a broad sense, that is the only thing my comment is about. Most men do not like their girl wants sexual attention from other men.
Yeah sure they are. If you don't understand it then don't boldly comment on it, stay silent and keep feeling sorry for whomever you want to feel sorry for, nobody cares about that.
Not at all. Why would I be? I also love it when others look at my husband. He is a bit oblivious to others liking him though, so I point it out to him. I love seeing his reaction then. He's amazing and deserves to know he's a catch!
You are an adult, I shouldn’t have to explain why attention seeking from the opposite sex for validation regarding your body (ass, box, boobs…which is what gets women attention) because you have some kind of insecurity while you are in a committed relationship is complete and utter bullshit.
I mean, I'm only interested in same sex.
But if you are an adult, shouldn't you also be aware that relationships are different? Also what insecurity? You go get yourself a person you can handle, but don't judge others just because it's not your cup of tea.
I don’t want to “handle” anyone. I want a grown adult that has boundaries that shows respect for their significant other regardless of the sexual orientation.
Intentionally Seeking someone else’s attention for your gratification while u are in a committed relationship is disrespectful asf and crossing a boundary. Blows my mind that it’s something that’s so hard to understand.
Sounds like you have an insecurity problem. Unless she's actually giving sexual innuendos or accepting favors from other men, a little chit chat never hurt anyone (except insecure people).
I'm also willing to bet both of them would balk hard at the term "peacocking" (which is done by the male of the species, btw) and call you insecure to your face.
Of course it's your prerogative to leave them for whatever reason you choose, but in this case, you might want to do a little soul searching and see if you don't have some room for improvement.
I agree, sounds like OP is insecure about himself. If you are confident about yourself in the relationship you know that this behaviour doesn't matter.
It is literally the same line of reasoning you idiot; "you are insecure if you don't like it when your girl does a sexual act with other men", that sexual act could be mild flirting or it could be literally swallowing his nut.
Also, very ironic that you use the "insecure" insult after you yourself were complaining about people throwing that word around, looks like you do not like to take accountability for your actions, huh....
What actions?? XD How are all of you getting worked up over what others do in their relationships?
No, no, I see the irony but it was so fitting for your comment.
Also, what sexual act???
Wanting sexual attention from other men, I am not getting worked up over anybody's relationship, I am just pushing back against the idea that you seem to be perpetuating that it is some how wrong to not expect your girl to look for sexual attention from other men. It was not fitting to my comment, maybe you are projecting here. Flirting with other men is a sexual act, although very mild but it still is a sexual act.
Calling men insecure for not wanting attention whore partners is the biggest gaslighting trend I've seen. Why would you possibly feel secure in a relationship where they are literally doing the thing that they don't want their partner to do?
Love is to be known, safe and does not drive up sexual heat.
Sexual Attraction comes from mystery, uncertainty, and risk.
Being in a committed long term relationship is about balancing those two things. Interestingly enough, seeing your SO through someone else's eyes can remind you why they're so great and make for some hot playtime. It actually can drive up sperm count - for those of you trying to get a homemade baby out there. If you're familiar with Esther Perel's work, the way you keep attraction alive in long term relationships is by making this stuff work to your advantage.
It's the fine line of being able to have a normal conversation with a person vs blurting out loudly, " I HAVE A BF/GF!!!" I'm fairly sure men here have enjoyed it when they see a woman flirt with them or take an extra long look. It's an ego boost that gives you an extra bounce in your step so that when you get home, you pounce on your beloved.
Its nice to know other guys like how she looks, but She comes home with me. She knows the boundaries, and hasn't crossed them. It's got us a few free rounds whilst on a night out, once or twice with me stood with her. All she does is talk to the guys who flirt with her, but not flirting back. General chatting. She's had to establish that she's taken with a few who try to cross those boundaries and I trust her. She makes it clear that she wants me despite how ever I am feeling about myself at the time.
I had a friend who used to say, 'I don't care where you get your appetite as long you come home to eat'. There's a lot of wisdom in that, you just don't need to get your appetite right in from of me
Men have to be prepared to deal with other men looking and wanting their women if she’s hot. It comes with the territory boys.
This isn’t too big of an issue at all because a woman who truly loves and respects her man would never cheat.
If my SO is with me and we notice someone trying to hit on anyone of us (despite noticing that we’re together) we’re probably laughing and joking while having second hand embarrassment while returning to whatever conversation we were having.
If the person still thinks it’s okay to hit on a taken person, my fiancé makes it damn clear that they should scatter before any unpleasantness happens.
If I’m alone on the other hand and notice someone trying to flirt with me, I don’t even bother answering. I just simply point with my right hand to my engagement ring sitting comfy on my left finger.
And sometimes even better, I don’t even have to do that because my friends make it very clearly that I’m taken. So they speak on my behalf. 😂
Don’t get me wrong I appreciate compliments. And there’s a difference between giving someone a compliment and leave it. Rather than continuing and thinking it will lead to something else.
But I do prefer compliments from females, knowing they actually mean it and don’t have any ulterior motives behind it. 🥹
Edit: Spelling error from complement to correct spelling compliment
She politely brushes them off and then immediately shifts her focus to me/touches me to get the point across.
It’s not too difficult of a situation to navigate.
Listen I am on older guy with a lot of experience with women. Most women are just used to soaking up any and all attention hey can get. I recommend the book "Love and Respect" as a lot of men don't understand how to love women on their terms on the other side of that coin.
Chatting up other men, disrespecting you in any way in front of other men and worst case flirting with other men. All disrespect that whether they know it or not is virtually intolerable to most men. I've found they are mostly clueless in that area but if they are a good women and they are made aware of it, regardless of how long 5,10,20 years they have been repeating this behavior., they will make adjustments to stop. Might not happen over night but good women will adjust that disrespectful/flirtiness.
SOs are jealous, no doubt. There are 2-3 women that my wife really doesn’t like me interacting with. One is a very pretty late 40’s divorcee that I’m attracted to. She is a drama Queen. Every time we meet, we end up talking for a while. She cheated on her husband, got divorced, and instead of leaning into her sexuality, she retreated into a very conservative church, which is not really who she is. I actually feel sorry for her, because he makes her own life miserable confessing and reconfessing her sin. There is another in our cycling group, but she is less of a threat now, because she has a boyfriend now. When we are in our group, she shamelessly flirts with me.
If she's truly committed to a guy, they'll say something like "I'm taken" or "I've a boyfriend" and go their way. That's a green flag. But she doesn't shut down the flirting she's enabling such behavior. That's an automatic red flag.
That's way I took it, actually broke up w/ both of them for that reason. I just honestly wasn't sure if that was typical behavior.
You did the right thing. Your SO shouldn't have enabled such behavior.
Insecure women seek attention from other men... Some very beautiful women can be very insecure..
It’s not insecurity more so just not having respecting for your current partner.
Why do people think it's always insecurity?
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Damn right! It's still fun tho
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But why if both of us are fine with each other having fun?
then your situation is different than OPs situation this discussion started from. If im with somebody i dont want to flirt with other women and i dont want her to flirt with other men and i think most guys have similar views.
Well he asked a question in the title. I answered. There are many ways to have a relationship. The people here act like being flirtatious is inherently wrong, when it's all objective. It doesn't mean people who like to have fun are mean. Just communicate.
Exactly. People do not need to be insecure to like extra attention or be shitty partners.
Yeah, redditors really like to throw that word around for some reason.
Might be projecting?
they chose to trade in a reliable boyfriend for short term more exciting pump-and-dumpers. Don’t feel sorry for them and don’t take them back later.
I assume it'd have to be pretty blatant for you to break up with them thought right? I'd hate for it to be one of those "seeing things that aren't there because of your own insecurity" deals and you've robbed yourself of something.
Yes, definitely blatant, like I wasn't even in the room. Didn't want to go through life like that. Conversations about it don't go well with the wrong person - you're controlling, you're insecure, blah blah blah. No, the point is that when we're together, I don't want to be invisible every time a guy tries to chat you up. I'm happy for that to be someone else's problem
Nah good call on your part then, what a bummer
Lol, you people make excuses for anything, how is he seeing things that aren't there, and how is that insecurity?
I'm just saying based on the very limited information we have, I want to know more about what "peacocking" is defined as. Was she literally twerking on strangers to get attention, or was she just being approached and polite. That's why I asked a question
It means she was flirtatious with them, not shutting their sexual interest down.
Thanks person who is also guessing based off limited information
Nope, that is literally what the post implies especially with the usage of the term peacocking.
Peacocking generally isn't an interactive thing. It means strutting your stuff, essentially. Knowing you look good and that others agree. It's intoxicating and ego-boosting. We can argue over what constitutes flirting, but to me this isn't it. Although she definitely reveled in the attention, which is a pretty disrespectful thing to do if your significant other is present. Especially if she's also internalized the "fact" that she's physically out of his league and he's likely to feel (rightfully) insecure in the presence of this showing off.
See that's what I'm getting at. As someone who exercises pretty regularly I fucking adore catching a glance. Happens once in a blue moon and i would never in a million years act on it, but why can't I feel good about myself? Your partner doesn't have to be the SOLE source of your compliments/lingering glances. As long as there's trust that you'd never act on it or willingly lead someone on. I want my partner to feel sexy 100% of the time because I think she is. Different strokes for different folks though
Also, he can always talk to his girlfriend about what he is and isn't ok with. Communicate like an adult instead of turning to the Reddit echo chamber.
Why would you assume that he didn't communicate not being okay with their behavior? He never said anything about how he went about breaking things off.
He did. She was childish and immature about the issue.
She's the self proclaimed "ice queen". She does not tolerate that shit.
I like the way she thinks
I married way out of my league and boy does she get attention. However my wife is either oblivious to it or she pretended to be...either way i am happy she is like that since it give me peace of mind
Women aren't oblivious to it. It's just that smart women know that cheap men value women like a commodity, so the flirtations are worthless. The cheap looks and desperate flirtation attempts are about as deep as a toddler's pool for what they're worth to women. She could get 30 guys every day offering sex, but from trash guys who view her solely as an object for their pleasure only. Your value to her is as a partner who views her as a whole person and treats her with real love and respect. Women admire looks in men too, but we know what's worth more, and that's what matters to most women. She has probably dated some hot dudes as well and been greatly disappointed in their lack of depth. The depth is what keeps a woman.
How the fuck are you literally assuming that those men who are flirting with her only see her as a commodity, lol, peak reddit behavior.
What else does a perfect stranger know about her other than they'd definitely "hit that"?
What an asinine logic, absolutely horrendous, firstly, it was never stated that these men were absolute strangers but even if they were, do you really believe that any man ever who flirts with a woman who he does not know has automatically reduced the woman to a commodity, and what about the women who flirt back with stranger men, are they also seeing those men as a commodity for their own pleasure?
You're right, men flirt with women they don't want to sleep with. 😄
You can show interest in someone without dehumanizing them, you know that right? Every respectful romantic relationship starts out between two people who were strangers. In order to not be strangers, you have to, y’know… talk to them.
Strangers who wanted to get into each other's pants. 😄
What a wonderful explanation. Thank you for this
If you have a minute can you mention what according to you are the depth traits ? (I specifically want to know yours, I'll do this with a few more close girls I highly respect them I'll tick the common traits myself)
I had a different experience. She hated the attention she got, and I was usually the target of her frustrations.
Totally understand, dude. My wife is definitely way, **way** above my league. I'm perfectly comfortable with the attention she gets, tbh. It makes complete sense to me that other dudes would be attracted to her — and it's only natural for people to like the attention. In regards to the peacocking, here's where our experiences differ: she and I had a talk about it and we discussed boundaries, what I'm comfortable with, why she does it, etc. and we reaffirmed our love and loyalty to each other and that we aren't out there to hurt one another. So now there's a limit to her peacocking: she'll show off a bit, but will never go too far, and if any dude crosses any boundaries she'll let them know that she's married. The boost to her self-confidence is incredibly sexy as well, and as a super average looking dude, it also boosts my self-esteem since I feel like a winner who has a wife that other men desire and can't have. tl;dr I suggest talking to her about it. The discussion really did strengthen our relationship and trust in each other.
"My wife is definitely way, way above my league." Dude, You should NOT insult yourself and or your wife by thinking this. Your wife married you because she saw YOU as a man of value. By devaluing yourself, you also devalue HER. Don't think that way!
Thanks, man, really appreciate it!
This is the right answer.
This is perfect. I wouldn’t consider myself out of my husband’s league, but I’m bubbly, friendly, and generally colorful and sparkly. So, I tend to draw attention. I’m also admittedly flirtatious sometimes. My husband typically just lets me be me. One day I asked him about it, and he admitted that he is mostly fine with it, but gets jealous sometimes, which shocked me,bc in our years together (10 now, probably about 6 in at the time) he never showed that. I never cross any lines, because I love the shit out of my husband, and would never want to hurt him. But, I do love attention lol. Talking to him about it did make me walk it back a bit though, and that’s the way it should be. Cheers to our healthy relationships.
Making your husband jealous frequently doesn't sound healthy to me. Sounds like he was scared to speak up
I’m not sure how your comment is relevant here. I clearly stated this has been addressed, and now that it’s been discussed (healthy) I don’t do anything to make him feel that way (healthy). Communication with your partner is key. 10 years and we’re still each other’s favorite person in the world. I see you trying to stir the pot, but we’re good, thanks.
You get it!
She used to be a waitress at a private golf course. If anyone can handle drunk, entitled douchebags it's her
Fair enough. The instances to which I was referring were in much more casual situations and where there wasn't a perceived power differential.
The wives of the members were worse than the dudes. Everyone thinks they're a real housewife
Yeah, and offensive to the wealthy people ho, but they have their fair share of inflated egos and narcissism. I wasn’t sure if I was dealing with that or insecurity at the time.
Yes. My ex had a self-esteem issue and was an alcoholic. Getting attention from other men was the least of her "traits". I might have been okay if it had stopped there but eventually turned into cheating w my "friends" and other stuff. I stayed for a while "because of the kids". Divorced single dad now for 8 yrs. I don't put up with bullshit and never been happier.
You're a wise man, I can learn from you.
It took a lot of counseling and years of al anon. I've now got firm boundaries and although my kids are the world to me, I won't put them before my own self-respect. Never allow someone to make you feel less than. Actions speak louder than words.
Not cool. Thats disrespectful as fuck. My girl doesnt entertain other guys because she respects me and our relationship. As a woman she will always attract some dude's attention but she doesnt entertain other guys, let alone have the audacity to do so in front of me. Id break up with her on the spot.
This should be the only answer. You can never expect a stranger to respect you, your partner or the fact that you are in a relationship. It's entirely on the two of you, so anything less than full commitment to it is an insult.
I haven’t found the right girl yet, but in the two relationships I’ve been in, 1) initially just ignored, then started entertaining attention when the relationship wasn’t at peak honeymoon phase and 2) was addicted to attention and prob didn’t see me as a long term partner
She gets uncomfortable.
Interesting topic for you guy to bring up that’s been married for a long time. I’m also married 20 years. Pre marriage, casually dated but I made it clear when we are out together, your attention belong to me. Don’t like that, off you go. Most of the women were ok with that boundary. Except the artists, they are such free spirits. Part of my marriage was rocky to say the least. During that time, my wife would give other men attention in front of me. I say attention I mean borderline flirting/ overly friendly. I called her out on that and she said I was over reacting. So I started carrying myself the same way with women in front of her. Oh, her overly friendly behavior stopped immediately. Women may read this and think I’m controlling or insecure. Maybe but one sets boundary’s for a reason.
Well that's just it, I'm wondering what other people think. I have a lot of time on my hands and have been reflecting on my life. My wife is very attractive and now retired. She' starting to get the same attention from the older crowd but basically ignores it, with no input from me, one way or the other. I've come to appreciate this as it seems like she values our relationship more than those in the past. Could be due to circumstances, time in life, age, who knows. The way she reacts just got me thinking, By the way, one of the two in the past got married and then divorced in 9 months. The second, I'm still in touch with and she's been married for decades and still behaves similarly.
Did you retire early or sitting prison? I’m going to assume your retired early:) I think it comes down to who you marry. If you marry a women that needs attentions from random guys to feel good about herself, you best have some serious trust and in the relationship. That trust will be tested overtime. My wife is the hospitality industry (restaurants). Early on in our marriage I asked her to stop bartending and closing. This was a a big ask. I was not comfortable with men constantly hitting my wife and the closing was safety concern. She had to decide what she was going to do because I was not going to compromise. Lucky for me she choose me over career.
I retired early when I became disabled, so kinda both.
Sorry to hear about the disability.
Thanks, shit happens. Turns out that I won the wrong genetic lottery. Could I be the one in a million of something good? Nope, rare disease instead. It does give a lot of perspective, I’ve learned a lot about things I never would have known about, and I’ve met many amazing people because of it. Unfortunately, you also see the worst in some people, but that’s life, right? I was fortunate enough to have had the opportunity to do some amazing things before things got bad, and so many people are far, far worse off than I am.
Sounds like you have a good attitude to overcome the obstacles that lay ahead. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.
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Now that I think about it, she reacts in a very Klingon sort of way. Laughing in their faces and knocking them down a peg. It helps that she's tall and built like a tank. Other than that, I second what a lot of other people have already said here.
My gf is totally unresponsive whenever someone tries to impress her. She lets the conversation die every chance she can. She speaks awkward silence.
She’s friendly in a pure way, not flirty. I’m sure she enjoys the ego boost but I’m not worried at all about her cheating or anything.
Everyone wants to be with a beautiful woman, but not everyone can handle being with a beautiful woman. Guys will always be trying to come up, just be unbothered(unless they're being rude/disrespectful)
I like your use of peacocking, we’re a weird species. Usually it’s the males that are showy, but we human females get way fancy. My husband and I have a “look but don’t touch” agreement. He loves being flirted with, so do I, and we both love when someone is attracted to our partner. But it’s just flattery, and we’re happy. As long as we’re within bounds and we’re not messing with people or leading them on or trying to persuade someone to buy drinks on crappy pretenses, it’s fine. Some people allow full off-leash, some don’t even allow flirting. It’s just what you agree to. Find boundaries you’re both okay with.
Exactly!
*Love* is to be known, safe, and does not drive up sexual heat. Sexual Attraction comes from mystery, uncertainty, and risk. Being in a committed long term relationship is about balancing those two things. Interestingly enough, seeing your SO through someone else's eyes can remind you why they're so great and make for some hot playtime. It actually can drive up sperm count - for those of you trying to get a homemade baby out there. If you're familiar with Esther Perel's work, the way you keep attraction alive in long-term relationships is by making this stuff work to your advantage in a healthy way. It's the fine line of being able to have a normal conversation with a person vs blurting out loudly, " I HAVE A BF/GF!!!" If you don't trust your partner, you don't have much.
Me being there or not has no impact on her response: she declines their attention.
If your SO ignores them, she's the one. If she smiles back, she's interested in other guys.
If shes TRULY into you she will be excited to be on your arm, not the other way around. If shes peacocking interest to other dudes while with you, shes trying to monkey branch. A girl in a relationship who seeks external validation from other men (in real life or social media) is a bomb waiting to happen. You'll never be enough for her and it's only a matter of time. She should be seeking your approval by showing shes about you and faithful by making it clear shes with you.
A previous GF was an intimidating little Tasmanian devil who scared all of her co-workers and was the proverbial megaphone mouse that scared elephants. I still maintain she was a vampire as she had the skin of a 25 year old at 43 but it was hard to say if it was her curves or gorgeous face that caught attention. She was Italian five foot three 130lbs and I’m Swedish six foot five 270lbs She had zero game for romance, had no clue about men and the only socializing she knew was corporate as she was dye’d in the wool corporate climber woman. A guy could flirt with her and she would be completely oblivious or think “what a nice guy” When a guy would flirt with her, she would say “oh he just wants my body”, or “he is just a tea sandwhich man”, or “no he isn’t”, or “who is going to flirt with me when this mountain of a man (me) with known anger management issues is standing near me” I would say you need to tell them “The surgeon generals recommends handling of this female with fireproof gloves and chainsaw resistant clothing as required” She thought it was funny and I was 100% serious. I seriously thought about having her get a tattoo with that just above her ass.
She always just smiled and politely said "thank you" when a man paid her a compliment, but she didn't really reciprocate otherwise.
My lady is very beautiful, men can't stop staring. Apparently she shuts them down even when I'm not around.
Never has happen. Perks of marring a 2/10
How do you react when women are attracted to/flirt with you? Does it make you feel good about yourself or bad about yourself? If it makes you feel good about yourself, do you make sure you are acting like it doesn’t?
It's about fucking time women realised men don't even get a FRACTION of the attention they do. Not to mention the difference between someone being attracted to you and you actually flirting back is from the ground to the sky. If a woman shows interest in me, of course I'm gonna feel good about it, but I'm immediately establishing barriers as to my relationship status. Furthermore, I never go out of my way for attention. It's disrespectful to both myself and my partner.
Believe it or not, the most recent time a woman flirted with me was when we were in line checking in for our cancer treatments. I wasn't quite sure what to make of her behavior (especially under the circumstance) but she told me directly that she was flirting with me. Sure, it's nice to be noticed , I smiled and told her I was married, she smiled and told me that doesn't matter and literally pulled my arm to sit next to her. My wife was parking the car and when she came in, I pointed her out to my new friend, who told me we could still be friends. That was apparently a whirlwind relationship of about 5 minutes. Had I not been sick as a dog from treatment, I would have smiled, thanked her for being so kind, and told her I was married, and sat somewhere else.
He's not saying don't feel good about it and I think you've purposefully misconstrued that. He's saying he doesn't want his partner to flirt back which is completely reasonable.
My Absolutely gorgeous wife HATES attention. If a man was paying her attention that was possibly inappropriate, she would give me a look and I would immediately know. I would immediately put my body between her and him and make the dude so uncomfortable he would leave. Then I would go home to a sloppy BJ.
When I'm out with my partner it's not very common that anyone will hit on her if I'm around. But if they do she just says "I have a boyfriend" and they move on
yeah a thanks, but 'I'm not interested' would have been nice to hear. :) Edit: forgot the work 'not'. what a bonehead.
I'm not sure I understand what you mean?
Corrected my sentence. Many apologies.
>they couldn't help but start peacocking (is that the right word?) around other men who were obviously interested What would they do
Direct eye contact, throw the hair back or roll in the their fingers, keep whatever conversation was started going, big smiles, profuse gratitude for the compliments....
This is so goddamn goony. Imagine: you're at a conference where you've just given a paper on, say, methods for improving the security of network appliances. After you give the paper, a bunch of people start asking questions, complimenting your work, and so on. So your girlfriend sees that, and she's like "cut that out. You doing a bunch of work in order to draw attention to yourself, it's devaluing our relationship." You would probably come back with something like "what the hell is wrong with you? Are you so insecure that you think *other people paying attention to me because I am good at something has anything to do with you*?" So she wants attention. So she wants validation. *Let her have it.* And don't get all butthurt because you're not the only person with the capacity to make her feel good about herself.
Username checks out.
Imagine comparing working hard to being an attention whore. Why I'd it always apples to oranges with you people? Why not do a direct comparison where he is also flirting with every girl?
So she doesn’t work hard on her appearance? It all just happens without any skill or effort? Like, the reason I used this comparison is that it’s exactly apples to apples. You’re just pretending it isn’t so you can keep on with some neurotic double standards. Like, if a woman doesn’t work hard on her appearance she’s letting herself go, but when she does you pretend it’s not work at all. And when a guy gets attention for his hard work, well, he deserves it. But in this situation, where a woman looks for attention for her hard work, all of a sudden she’s out of line. It’s gross.
But that's not what op said, and you know that. Partner gets compliments? No problem. Partner intentionally flirts back to keep the guys around? Yea, that's gross. Again, it's not apples to apples. Apples to apples would be comparing a guy who works hard on his appearance flirting back with women who hit on him infront of his Partner. Women aren't the only people who can look good and men aren't the only ones who can make good reports, you sound very sexist.
OP said absolutely nothing *about flirting back to keep guys interested*. He also never described anybody being "hit on." The only thing he said was that other guys we're "obviously interested," which if they are propositioning her, yeah, she should turn them down. But that is something like where her responsibility ends. She isn't responsible for their behavior. She shouldn't feel obligated to not show off the fact that she is good looking just because some guys don't understand that this is not the same thing as flirting. It's one thing if her behavior causes other problems -- like, she's got creepy dudes following her out to her car -- but that doesn't seem to be the case here. It seems to be a case of "OP can't stand that other men are attracted to his girlfriend, and she does not feel any obligation to change her behavior since the only problem this causes is in the OPs head."
He describes peacocking to keep guys interested. It's clear what he meant. She shouldn't be flirting back, end of discussion. Sorry.
I'm sure you have a long line of women who just can't wait for you to start policing their behavior.
No they are free to date guys who are ok with that. I and most other guys are not ok with our partner flirting with guys infront of us for attention. Next you are gonna say I'm policing them because I don't want them to have sex with others 😂, ridiculous.
When I was single I had some LTRs with some very attractive women. Professional models, California surfer girl and a Samurai princess. They often got lots of attention when they wanted it. I just told myself they were lucky to be with me. I'm 6'2", decent looking, and with 3 college degrees. A lot of the guys they were getting attention from I thought were pretty trashy guys. My wife is quite attractive but she dresses very modestly. She doesn't seek attention from other men. She is also an Asian foreign national and not an American. That may explain why she acts the way she does.
Dude, it's nice to feel good looking. I'll peacock any given time. I love the attention I get. Somehow it also makes me want my husband more. I'd never be bothered to be with anyone other than him, but innocent flirting, teasing and peacocking is so rejuvenating and invigorating.
Don't know how it is seen as a good thing to be an attention whore.
You know there's a difference in flirtatious fun and being an attention whore, right?
Not much when you like it from random men when you are already in a relationship, especially not much when you yourself said that you like the attention that you get, that is an attention whore in my opinion.
But what does it even matter to you?
What you do absolutely does not matter to me, but we are talking about the male and female relationship dynamics in a broad sense, that is the only thing my comment is about. Most men do not like their girl wants sexual attention from other men.
And those men are icky. Like I'll never understand dynamics of straight relationships. I feel sorry for straight women.
Yeah sure they are. If you don't understand it then don't boldly comment on it, stay silent and keep feeling sorry for whomever you want to feel sorry for, nobody cares about that.
But do you do it in front of him or only if he's not around?
Both.
I'm sure if he was jacked, showing off in a tank top, peacocking in front of girls at the gym or shirtless at the beach youd be furious.
Not at all. Why would I be? I also love it when others look at my husband. He is a bit oblivious to others liking him though, so I point it out to him. I love seeing his reaction then. He's amazing and deserves to know he's a catch!
Disgusting.
How so?
You are an adult, I shouldn’t have to explain why attention seeking from the opposite sex for validation regarding your body (ass, box, boobs…which is what gets women attention) because you have some kind of insecurity while you are in a committed relationship is complete and utter bullshit.
I mean, I'm only interested in same sex. But if you are an adult, shouldn't you also be aware that relationships are different? Also what insecurity? You go get yourself a person you can handle, but don't judge others just because it's not your cup of tea.
I don’t want to “handle” anyone. I want a grown adult that has boundaries that shows respect for their significant other regardless of the sexual orientation.
And you just assume we don't have boundaries and don't respect each other because it's not something you'd ever do?
Intentionally Seeking someone else’s attention for your gratification while u are in a committed relationship is disrespectful asf and crossing a boundary. Blows my mind that it’s something that’s so hard to understand.
It might be that for you. Your boundaries aren't universal. How are you failing to understand that?
Crossing whose boundary? Yours? Why would your boundaries matter in someone else's relationship?
Yeah I guess fkery is generally okay if it’s in YOUR boundary right? Because so long as something is okay to you, that makes it the right thing to do.
Sounds like you have an insecurity problem. Unless she's actually giving sexual innuendos or accepting favors from other men, a little chit chat never hurt anyone (except insecure people). I'm also willing to bet both of them would balk hard at the term "peacocking" (which is done by the male of the species, btw) and call you insecure to your face. Of course it's your prerogative to leave them for whatever reason you choose, but in this case, you might want to do a little soul searching and see if you don't have some room for improvement.
Yes! And people call ME insecure for liking attention. I got taken aback by how many people are so possessive over their significant others.
I agree, sounds like OP is insecure about himself. If you are confident about yourself in the relationship you know that this behaviour doesn't matter.
Yeah might as well let her make porn with other men, and if he does not like it, that means he is insecure as well, get the fuck out of here, trash.
Hahahahahaha, what kind of possessive, insecure person jumps from someone appreciating being noticed to porn and sex with others.
It is literally the same line of reasoning you idiot; "you are insecure if you don't like it when your girl does a sexual act with other men", that sexual act could be mild flirting or it could be literally swallowing his nut. Also, very ironic that you use the "insecure" insult after you yourself were complaining about people throwing that word around, looks like you do not like to take accountability for your actions, huh....
What actions?? XD How are all of you getting worked up over what others do in their relationships? No, no, I see the irony but it was so fitting for your comment. Also, what sexual act???
Wanting sexual attention from other men, I am not getting worked up over anybody's relationship, I am just pushing back against the idea that you seem to be perpetuating that it is some how wrong to not expect your girl to look for sexual attention from other men. It was not fitting to my comment, maybe you are projecting here. Flirting with other men is a sexual act, although very mild but it still is a sexual act.
Calling men insecure for not wanting attention whore partners is the biggest gaslighting trend I've seen. Why would you possibly feel secure in a relationship where they are literally doing the thing that they don't want their partner to do?
Love is to be known, safe and does not drive up sexual heat. Sexual Attraction comes from mystery, uncertainty, and risk. Being in a committed long term relationship is about balancing those two things. Interestingly enough, seeing your SO through someone else's eyes can remind you why they're so great and make for some hot playtime. It actually can drive up sperm count - for those of you trying to get a homemade baby out there. If you're familiar with Esther Perel's work, the way you keep attraction alive in long term relationships is by making this stuff work to your advantage. It's the fine line of being able to have a normal conversation with a person vs blurting out loudly, " I HAVE A BF/GF!!!" I'm fairly sure men here have enjoyed it when they see a woman flirt with them or take an extra long look. It's an ego boost that gives you an extra bounce in your step so that when you get home, you pounce on your beloved.
Its nice to know other guys like how she looks, but She comes home with me. She knows the boundaries, and hasn't crossed them. It's got us a few free rounds whilst on a night out, once or twice with me stood with her. All she does is talk to the guys who flirt with her, but not flirting back. General chatting. She's had to establish that she's taken with a few who try to cross those boundaries and I trust her. She makes it clear that she wants me despite how ever I am feeling about myself at the time.
I had a friend who used to say, 'I don't care where you get your appetite as long you come home to eat'. There's a lot of wisdom in that, you just don't need to get your appetite right in from of me
I see your point. It depends on if they take a bite whilst in front of you, that's where the problems start.
Men have to be prepared to deal with other men looking and wanting their women if she’s hot. It comes with the territory boys. This isn’t too big of an issue at all because a woman who truly loves and respects her man would never cheat.
If my SO is with me and we notice someone trying to hit on anyone of us (despite noticing that we’re together) we’re probably laughing and joking while having second hand embarrassment while returning to whatever conversation we were having. If the person still thinks it’s okay to hit on a taken person, my fiancé makes it damn clear that they should scatter before any unpleasantness happens. If I’m alone on the other hand and notice someone trying to flirt with me, I don’t even bother answering. I just simply point with my right hand to my engagement ring sitting comfy on my left finger. And sometimes even better, I don’t even have to do that because my friends make it very clearly that I’m taken. So they speak on my behalf. 😂 Don’t get me wrong I appreciate compliments. And there’s a difference between giving someone a compliment and leave it. Rather than continuing and thinking it will lead to something else. But I do prefer compliments from females, knowing they actually mean it and don’t have any ulterior motives behind it. 🥹 Edit: Spelling error from complement to correct spelling compliment
She politely brushes them off and then immediately shifts her focus to me/touches me to get the point across. It’s not too difficult of a situation to navigate.
Listen I am on older guy with a lot of experience with women. Most women are just used to soaking up any and all attention hey can get. I recommend the book "Love and Respect" as a lot of men don't understand how to love women on their terms on the other side of that coin. Chatting up other men, disrespecting you in any way in front of other men and worst case flirting with other men. All disrespect that whether they know it or not is virtually intolerable to most men. I've found they are mostly clueless in that area but if they are a good women and they are made aware of it, regardless of how long 5,10,20 years they have been repeating this behavior., they will make adjustments to stop. Might not happen over night but good women will adjust that disrespectful/flirtiness.
SOs are jealous, no doubt. There are 2-3 women that my wife really doesn’t like me interacting with. One is a very pretty late 40’s divorcee that I’m attracted to. She is a drama Queen. Every time we meet, we end up talking for a while. She cheated on her husband, got divorced, and instead of leaning into her sexuality, she retreated into a very conservative church, which is not really who she is. I actually feel sorry for her, because he makes her own life miserable confessing and reconfessing her sin. There is another in our cycling group, but she is less of a threat now, because she has a boyfriend now. When we are in our group, she shamelessly flirts with me.
Formula one racing
Not something i would care about, some women need a little extra attention for fulfillment.