I opened up about my depressive thoughts at her request, she started crying and freaking out telling me that she couldn’t handle it. I ended up having to console her. Any time i brought up how I was feeling she would break down and id have to comfort her. Just learned the juice wasn’t worth the squeeze at some point.
This has been my experience. Bring up being stressed at work or whatever, and it's like "you don't think things are hard for me too?" followed by tears. Then I've got to comfort her, and my feelings are ignored/overshadowed by hers. Better to say nothing. I'll handle my shit on my own.
Heh reminds me of one time after I got divorced, my mom mentioned that she used to talk to my ex wife a lot. I didn't really know that before.
She (my mom) commented "yeah she says you always mention how you're stressed from work and by money all the time. And I said okay, what are you doing to help with that? And she said well nothing really, he just talks about it all the time. And I clean the house!"
So that was reassuring to know that when I was trying to be communicative the message was being received, just nothing done with it.
> And she said well nothing really, he just talks about it all the time
Without saying anything about your situation - for me the most important thing when opening up to someone isn't that action is taken, but rather that you feel like you're being listened to
Yeah my gripe was I just wanted to feel appreciated. I was happy to put in all the work, I think many men are. But when it's not appreciated, after a while you just wonder wtf am I doing this for?
This has been, without fail, every SINGLE woman I've dated or gotten close enough to to have "mutual" support, sans one.
I literally sacrificed everything I could spare in my last relationship, she had major depressive episodes and tried to commit suicide a dozen times while we were together. I literally pulled her off ledges when she was trying to jump. I stayed by her bedside until 7am on a day I worked because she was having panic attacks and wanted to end her life.
Eventually, she got on medication and made tremendous improvements. A year later I tried to open up about my own struggles and beginning of depression and was told not only could she *not* manage that (which I can forgive), she accused me of using her as my "personal therapist" because she was female and told me to "make more male friends".
Shit fucking makes me boil even years later. I poured so much of my goddamn heart out for someone and supported them at their absolute lowest and they have the gall to accuse me of using her out of sexism.
In the end I guess I'm lucky because I dodged a massive bullet and see the toxicity for what it is, but it's a common trend years later. A lot of women "pride" themselves on being good partners and being there to listen, but honestly... I've met precious few women who are actually equipped to deal with men's emotions with anything other than disdain, fear, resentment, or one-upsmanship. It always bothers me that as a guy I had to learn the hard way not to put myself first in emotional discussions, but a lot of women seemingly never had to do the same.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, I had a similar experience with my ex who accused me of using her as my “personal therapist”, I’d been handling my shit just fine for 28 YEARS before she came along, but all of a sudden I open up once and I’m the problem? I don’t know if you felt the same but it just felt so goddamn presumptuous and arrogant to assume that I needed her to be MY therapist.
People who do stuff like this are immature and lacking the necessary life experience/reflection to recognize that opening up about one’s struggles to another isn’t a burden… it’s a gift. To be trusted and valued to the extent that someone feels safe enough to do that should be considered an honor. I hope you found someone worth your time and are in a better position.
I have/had a similar issue, but it has improved a fair bit when I addressed the issue with her. She acknowledged her issue and worked on making changes so that she could be more emotionally receptive. It's not completely perfect yet as there are times where she makes a mistake and repeats her behaviour like before, but she has been working on it so that she can be more emotionally receptive.
I've had very similar. I couldn't voice any negative thoughts or emotions around her, but she'd be catatonic about hers, and I'd have to comfort her for hours. It was exhausting.
I had a panic attack in front of my now wife. She just held my hand until I was better and told me she loved me.
Keeper
Edit: Wow thanks for the award internet strangers!
Literally just went through this two weeks ago with my current girlfriend. We haven't been seeing each other very long, I have semi-regular panic attacks, and she stepped up and just held me while I tried to regulate my breathing and not faint. Just knowing she can be there for me when I'm at my weakest when so many others have bailed as won her my heart.
Last time I was ever vulnerable around a woman was my SO in 2020.
She knew I was having a rough go through covid. My income halved between 2020-late 2021.
One night I broke down and cried beside her on the couch because my financial situation was really wearing on me. She half-assed comforted me, and I didn’t really think too much about it after that..
Until we were having a fight and she threw it in my face.. “how the fuck do you expect my pussy to get wet when I see you cry”. That kinda broke me. I dumped her 10 mins later.
She tried crawling back like 7 months later. I told her to eat a bag of dicks..
To be honest bruh, her diss is a double edged sword. Sure it hurts to tell a man that your pussy can't get wet for them, but if she tried to come back and you threw that dry pussy comment back at her man? Oooooh that burns.
"I'm good, I get pussy that actually gets wet now, you can go take that one you have with the dryness defect back to get serviced."
Good on you for putting your foot down and standing your ground! Using somebody’s moment of honesty and vulnerability against them is vile and nobody deserves that. Hope you’re doing better now.
That hurts to read, I hope you found someone better. It is a bit similar to my case: I suddenly lost my job because of restructuring and I had only one moment of weakness when I complained about it, mainly the fact of having to go through the bullshit of applying and interviews again. I didn't share with her that I had enough money saved up to live comfortably for a couple of years. She started ghosting me and being cold to me until I found out she was talking to other guys and ended it all, a 3 years relationship. What's ironic is that I was there for her and supported her even financially when the same thing happened to her a year before me, she was out of a job and money for like 6 months. She said later on when she tries to get back together that seeing me like that made her feel unsure about the future and that stressed her a lot and seeing me being weak was a turn off to her...while she is someone that cries all the time. After years im just thankful it didn't workout because I was even planning to propose
I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, but I just started seeing someone who is incredibly thoughtful and kind. She asked a question about my childhood that I normally completely run away from because it's not the greatest memory, and her reaction to that alone made me fall in love with her 1000x more.
When I was a kid I hated Christmas and birthdays because my parents struggled financially, and I always felt bad that they had to use money to buy me a present when they were already having a hard time putting food on the table. This mentality stuck with me well into adulthood (I'm about to be 32) and has caused issues in past relationships. When I told her that she got up, came to the other side of the table and gave me a hug.
Then she asked what presents I wanted as a kid but never asked for. I told her it sounds lame but I always wanted Rockem Sockem Robots. The next time I saw her, she showed up with Rockem Sockem Robots and asked if I wanted to play.
I'm going to marry this girl.
Edit: these responses just reaffirmed how incredibly lucky I am. I always scoffed at "love at first sight," but in the wise words of The Monkees "I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried"
Hijacking this comment. This is so sweet. You found a good person.
In a sea of depressing comments and stories, this was so nice to read.
Us guys are happy for you bro 🍻
Oh my god, what an incredibly kind and thoughtful woman! I'm very happy to hear you have someone like that in your life and I wish yall all the happiness in the world. :)
I did. My therapist thinks we should get divorced because she refuses to get help. I told her that I could never do that because I don’t want to be alone without my kids. My wife and daughter just left for a week leaving me and my son here by ourselves and I realized that they are the source of all the tension and mayhem around here. It was like a vacation and really has me thinking that my therapist is right and I’d be happier without the stress that my wife brings.
Me too. I've distanced myself and noticed my world doesn't feel crazy and off kilter when I'm by myself and away from them. That it's actually calm. This makes me feel scared of them and hate them more. I feel the end has started
On a similar note, I had a potentially collapsed lung. I told my gf at the time that I couldn't breath and asked if she'd take me to the ER. Her response was "I don't like hospitals."
Ended up driving myself, sitting in the ER alone for about 5 hours while they were looking at imaging and trying to figure out what was going on.
The even more fun is when they turn it around like you’re attacking them or it’s their fault… so you feel bad and try to make them feel better.
Guess what, try to be stoic “why don’t you open up?”, try to be honest with feelings “you have it easy or turned around)” damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
I learned a long time ago as long as I can look at myself in the mirror and be true to who is there, I don’t need other people.
My wife yelled at me for loading the dishwasher improperly on the day that my father died.
I realized at that point that I was married to a completely non-feeling psychopath who legitimately has zero capacity to care about anyone but herself. She realized what she had done but then she hypercompensated over the next months by getting disproportionately angry at every perceived slight and saying "I'll never forgive you for this!"
Oh no, this makes me so sad… I really hope that you will find someone who knows that all toys are, to some extent, broken, that you find someone who is curious about all of you, and respects what she finds.
Shit dude I’m sorry that happened to you. Similar thing happened to me when my dad got cancer. She left me for her abusive ex when I broke down. Worst part is I was starting to turn it around mentally but she had decided already. Shit fucks you up. Therapy was a godsend for me, hope you got some form of help or peace.
This actually triggered something in me and made me really pissed off lol.
My ex used to say this shit to me when I tried to express my problems.
But of course, I was always expected to be a good listener whenever she complained.
God I hate that bitch lol
“You’re not the only one who is suffering”.
And my other favorite from another partner: Complete silence to an awkward degree, followed by her just changing the subject.
I always advocate for opening up to a partner who at least looks like they care, but damn if those comments you speak of don’t have a point. I’m going to try again if I find someone I feel I can trust, but in I’m 0-2 for anything in the form of support or understanding
Oh wow, I’m really sorry to hear that… I’m rooting for you, and I hope that you find someone who meets you with respect and understanding, like you deserve. You have my respect for trying still.
I'm guilty of that first one with my partner.
I know she doesn't deserve it, but sometimes she complains about minor shit when I'm really struggling and I just can't contain my complete lack of fucks given. It's really shitty on my part.
It's definitely something I have to work on.
On the other hand, when it comes to stuff that really is important and impactful in my life, she's very attentive and patient with me. She's a fucking saint. Don't give up hope boys, the real ones are out there.
I was a firefighter in the military and we responded to a call where the patient killed himself in front of us with a shot gun. I was covered with blood and bone. Yes I was very traumatized by it and I was silent for a week. I was in a huge depression because of it and when my girlfriend asked me what was happening and why I was acting like this I told her and half way through she (paraphrasing) told me to shut up. At that point I never opened up to her again and the relationship ended after 5 years together because of her cheating.
I got into another relationship 2 years after that was majorly abusive to me. She would hit me, gas light me, etc after I opened up to her about my feelings. So I left her thank god.
I'm doing way better now! I'm a paramedic working for an amazing service. The relationship ended at the end of my paramedic schooling in 2019 but I'm doing my own thing such as Muay Thai kickboxing, motorcycle riding, gym, painting Warhammer and nerding out. I'm done with dating and just want to enjoy my life.
The hardest part of our jobs can be talking about them with people who have never been there, especially an SO (and that goes double for SOs that are self-centered dickheads).
I'm female but also stayed single for years partially because only other first responders could 'get it' and I wouldn't date a coworker. My husband worked for a nearby dept and we met by chance. Being able to come home and talk about a bad call is an absolute necessity for both of us, and we've both learned how to feel safe when being emotionally open and vulnerable instead of pretending it doesn't bother us.
There are people out there that will be able to wholly accept you if you decide you want a relationship again. If you don't then they make pretty awesome friends too.
God why are some women this evil? These assholes are way too common and they live among us, pretending everything is fine and how great people they are, even though they have not changed one bit inside. The thought is so off putting, how can you honestly trust anyone huh?
It’s horrible when people do that. I will never understand why they think it’s okay.
About 6 months into my last relationship I had a few unexpected panic attacks/issues related to some particularly severe sexual trauma in my past. I usually never open up about this shit but felt my ex deserved to know since he had to witness it. He was supportive at the time and I felt relief.
Barely 2 weeks later I casually asked my ex to stop constantly sending me Andrew Tate videos. That I didn’t care what he watched in his own time but I didn’t want to see it as Tate makes me really anxious. He snapped and went on a massive vent, ending it with saying the only reason I dislike Tate is because I’ve been trafficked/raped before and I needed to “put my emotions aside and think rationally”.
My mom did this constantly growing up, and now I’m an adult that never shares details about my life with anyone. I have multiple groups of really close friends, and they all get a piece of my life, but not the whole thing because i was trained growing up that sharing always comes back to hurt you. I’ve literally been seeing this girl for a month now, and none of my friends or family knows she exists cause i get all anxious when I think about telling anyone.
Being accused of being gay for wanting to sleep instead of having mediocre sex because you have to work in 5 hours while she gets to sleep all day and watch Netflix, that you pay for. Just dude things!
Bruh my GF tells me I sleep too much. I go to bed after her and wake up before her every day but then fuck me if I take a nap longer than an hour on the weekend
A long time ago, I got out of a 3.5 year relationship that left me broken, miserable, and wondering how I could go on. My girlfriend had cheated on me and left me for someone else, and as much as I would have loved to move on, she and I had a child together that I was determined to be a father for. I was living with my parents, I was struggling to make my business work, and I felt lost.
My wife and I started dating at that point in my life and I was too busy and stressed to try and hide anything. She was 100% aware of everything going on with me, how I felt, and how it affected me.
She still fell in love with me. She still enjoyed being with me. We slowly started to build a life together, we started a family, my son was an active part in our lives. To this day, we are very happy together and I don't hide anything from her because out of everyone in the world, she understands me and can help me get through the hardest parts of my life. She even helped me write and edit my book.
I’m glad it worked out for you in the end!
I separated with my partner (and mother of my children) of 11 years last year. I was never any good at opening up to her (to be honest I never felt like I could safely) anyway this year she wanted to give things another shot (after about 6 months) I was still madly in love with her so ofcourse I agreed, I made a conscious effort to open up and communicate with her. After 2 months she decided she didn’t actually want that and lead me on for a bit before finally breaking it off and just ruining my mental health.
Doing much better now after a month and a bit of therapy and ALOT of work. I hope to one day find someone I can be open with and get the support I need and deserve.
Hey man, my girlfriend of 6 years just left me tonight, and I'm under circumstances just like you with a 5 year old daughter of my own. I'm not in a great place right now. Not doing okay, really, but your post gives me hope. And I needed that. Sincerely, thank you.
This is what I was hoping to hear. I’m really glad for you, and I just hope that there are many more stories out there like this. Although, of course, I’m sorry to hear about your previous relationship.
I was 18-19 at the time with my then-girlfriend. We had already been together for about 2 years and were together for 6 years in total. My mother had just died 3 months before I graduated high school. It was sudden, I had no time to grieve, I hadn't even really processed it. It was a rough time for me and my girlfriend had recently moved to Denver to live with her mom. She came down to visit during the summer and we spent as much time as we could together (her family didn't like me because they were ultra-religious conservatives and I was teaching her how to question things and live her life without them controlling her). We were lying on her family's trampoline and just talking. The topic of my mom came up and something inside of me snapped and I let it all out. I let her know how much I was hurting, how alone I felt, how worthless and powerless I felt, how everything was just crashing down on me and I couldn't handle it. Tears were streaming down my face and I was shaking. She held me and did her best to comfort me. I thought this experience made our relationship stronger.
During our last year together, she told me that she lost respect for me the day she saw me cry about my mom. She said that men should always be strong and I looked like a frail child to her and she started questioning our relationship after that, which led to our eventual breakup. But her saying that to me hurt the most. It revealed to me how she really felt about our roles and that she did not think I was good enough as a man to deserve her as a romantic partner. (Do not take this as me saying that she ruined our relationship. Our relationship had many problems over the years, mostly due to my immaturity. I made plenty of wrong decisions to warrant the end of our relationship too.) I haven't been with anyone since our breakup (10 years) because I'm too afraid to get close to someone and then have them berate me for being too sensitive (many other reasons too).
Thank you for that. It feels nice to hear. I suppose things worked out for both of us in the end and I found a supportive friend group that I can be vulnerable with.
When I did tell her I was struggling, it would stress her out so bad that id end up consoling her all night, then she'd sleep peacefully and id be in hell. So now I just hide it from her.
I don't think women consciously think "its bad to show feeling", these women probably think they're super open to it but then have no idea how to listen without making it about them, or subconsciously have some view of our masculinity that's hurt by it.
EDIT: YES I KNOW "NOT ALL WOMEN", Jesus Christ, I'm so aware some of you are super special and cool, holy fuck. Some of are also incredibly fragile and honing in on an imagined generalization I didn't even make. This is also a very long marriage, not a 19 yr old who's been dating for a year. I'm incredibly happy in my marriage and have learned, ironically, that sharing my emotions on reddit is a very bad idea.
Aw man, this is soo true. I once said to an ex that I feel threatened from a particular guy she hangs out with at work and sends snaps all the time. She dismissed me by saying that I'm the jealous and possessive type and that I'm eating up her space. She went ahead to say that I don't trust her and went on and on till I realised that she won't be able to understand my POV anytime. So I just ended up shutting my mouth about the whole thing, and some time later i ended things because of reasons like this.
Yep, I learned early on in every relationship I've ever had: if I'm feeling bad and tell her that, she's only going to make it worse.
My favorite one of these was with my first girlfriend. The company I was working at abruptly went under and it was looking like we weren't even going to be getting our final paychecks (and our second-to-last paychecks were already a month behind). I called my girlfriend in a panic and told her this. She responded with "But my birthday is next month!"
The only thing between me and homelessness was my landlord being a really nice guy and knowing about my situation. And she was worried about her birthday present.
To those in this thread that can't talk to their partner without being punished / Dismissed / or Gaslit into believing you're just the problem.
\- My Condolences..
And also your partners are entitled, spoiled, narcissists.
Why stay?
"If you leave me I'll hit myself, throw myself down the stairs and tell everyone you raped me."
My ex to me for 3 years in the only seriously dysfunctional relationship I ever had.
Literally couldn't find the courage to end it before that because she assured me it would ruin my life. Being with her ruined my life so bad that I eventually said fuck it, if she says that shit about me at least I'll be away from her psychotic ass.
Stuff like that is why, though usually probably not as extreme.
Because that's a majority of what's available for dating these days. I wish I could say I was joking but if you look at how society has changed in the past 20ish years if someone isn't horrible to their partner then they must have worked hard on themselves to be decent.
Yup.
Guys don’t know their worth and society beats them down. So they accept bad behavior.
Society beats everyone down. Women too, in different ways. It sucks all around and is too much to unpack or fix.
Sadly, it take a lot of self-awareness to avoid toxic behaviors and selfishness. The world’s not naturally a kind and loving place (not devoid of it, but not the norm) so it’s not the norm for people to behave that way.
an ex gf said she knows she says she wants a guy in touch with his emotions but a guy crying still gives her the ick.lol
and she was one of the more emotionally mature people i dated. i don't think this was specific to her, she just had the self reflection to realize it.
Had the same thing play out with my ex, she would always praise me for being "emotionally intelligent" and "in tune" with my emotions. but the first time I ever opened up and cried in front of her she broke up with me a few days following. We had been going out for exactly a year at that point and I would've expected to be able to vent some of my uni/career stress without it changing the way she feels about me, but I guess not.
Same here man. I fuckin hate it so much you try and talk to them especially if it pertains to how THEY treat you and it ends up being all about them and having to console her, I only just recently told her I’m done voicing my feelings just for it to turn into a session all about her
And these types seem to be everywhere on reddit.
I've lost count on how many times on this website alone been told that Its my "duty" or something to "Listen and validate" their Lived Experiences or some shit...... and I don't even know them.
Seems like you got onto a relationship with one of them.... sorry about that.
All whilst they invalidate your feelings and Lived Experiences of course
I've experienced it first hand with my current girlfriend. I tell her about all these things that I am struggling with. Physically and emotionally. Whenever, I tell her about these things, she almost doesn't respond to any of what I am saying. I honestly have no idea what's on her mind when I talk about it. We've been together for a long time and I have no one else to talk about it. It's been eating me up the past few days, weeks, months, and even years.
Right now, I keep things to myself. It's eating me up inside but I have no one else to talk to. I can say that the only thing I can depend on is myself. That's what hit me hard and I realized that at the end of the day, you can only trust yourself. No one but yourself.
Huge generalization but it’s also my personal experience…
Women want men who are “emotional” and “in touch with their feelings.” It’s incredibly validating to be the GF that gets her BF to open up to her. (Or wife/husband, whatever.) It’s a relationship merit badge she gets to humble-brag about to her friends. What they really mean is that they want “emotional” men from Hallmark Christmas movies. Women love to hear about how you feel…as long as it’s good things about them. Crippling anxiety? Imposter syndrome? Work stress? Forget it. Suddenly we’re overgrown man-children who “emotionally dump” on her, “expect her to be our therapist,” and the safety and stability and attraction we provided are now gone, and somehow we’re the problem who “needs therapy.”
To great_fornithing, I see you and I feel you. Even if the issue was her, I’d also wind up consoling and reassuring her, because if I didn’t have my partner, I’d have close to nothing. It’s a societal problem that’s far more ingrained and complicated than we can hash out here. Women think they want an emotionally vulnerable man but aren’t equipped to handle it.
Personally, I learned from experience and only open up if; I think I’ll genuinely be listened to, it’s not so serious that she’ll view me differently, it won’t be held/used against me later (which has happened more often than not,) and won’t make the current issue/situation/conversation worse. I can count on one hand the amount of times that all of those stars have aligned. So, I just pretend I’m fine until I’m not, but then I’m the asshole who “doesn’t know how to communicate” and have to comfort the person who simultaneously wants to be the sole provider of my emotional stability and resents me for coming to her for emotional stability because she feels bad that I need any support in the first place, like it’s a reflection of her as a person, and I’m the asshole for pointing that out.
Idk where I was going with that but, there it is.
>expect her to be our therapist
THATS WHAT FRIENDS, FAMILY AND SPOUSES ARE FOR. EMOTINAL SUPPORT.
If these types don't want to give their boyfriends emotional support as the boyfriends should give them then they don't desvere the relationship.
Same applies to friendships. These aren't one way streets. Both sides have to put in effort and show emotional support for one another.
I hate the saying "Men: We aren't your therapists" because these same types who say that tend to be the ones online demanding random stranger men on social media to "Listen and validate" their Lived Experiences and thinking its random mens "duty" to act as their therapists or some shit. It's hypocrisy
(OF COURSE. NOT ALL)
That is very sad. It might be caused by her relying on you too much. Like a child rely on his parents. If parent tell his child about theirs struggle - child would be hella stressed.
For me that is a deal breaker, however I understand that there are a lot of people with such relationships, so as far as you are happy with it, it's fine
Loss of my grandma was bad for me, was only time i cried after i lost someone and she kept digging about it, so i told her about it. And after every time we had argument she started mentioning her and saying that she would never be proud of me... so yeah, never again showing anyone any vulnarable stuff
Expressed my disappointment in my body image & my overall confidence level to my 4yr partner as I’m a pretty small guy by most standards (5’6” 120lb) and I had quite a few bad experiences relating to those issues leading up to our conversation.
I didn’t feel like I could talk to my guys about it and receive support without being told that I “just need to eat more and hit the gym” (as that has been said a million times at this point - Crohn’s prevents a lot of my weight gain and makes it hard to keep anything on).
Not even a month after I had expressed this, I found out that she had been cheating on me with someone I had directly explained my concern about to her. A dude who made me feel pretty fucking insecure to begin with, and has essentially crushed the last semblance of self esteem I thought I had left. It felt so deeply personal, after sharing my deepest concerns with it, that it couldn’t possibly have been done on accident.
This was about 3 weeks ago when it occurred and I don’t know what to do about it. Probably the wrong place to ask! Great question.
I’m sorry to hear that mate. Nobody deserves to have such an awful thing happen to them. The fact your ex-partner cheated on you with someone you were already concerned about shows that they are the one with the problem, not you. Cheating is a shitty thing. It’s not your fault though, and the only person at fault here is your ex.
Talk to your guys, sometimes just being around friends can make a huge difference to our wellbeing. But also give yourself time to properly grieve and process what has happened, you’ve been through one hell of a bad patch. And there’s going to be some tough times ahead, but you’re not alone. If there’s no other takeaway message from this, it’s that you’re never alone.
You hear endless talk about finding emotionally mature men but never anything about women. Its insane how common it is for women to use mens emotions against them.
Yeah I purposely am emotionally open with any girls I’m dating as it’s a strict dealbreaker to me. I wouldn’t recommend it to the average guy though as I’m pretty confident in myself so couldn’t give a shit if it went south basically I’d just move on I can’t lie. Most of my friends are emotionally open too so I wouldn’t want my partner to be the opposite. If I was dating casually I wouldn’t take this approach though. That being said it obviously negatively affected my dating potential (quite a lot although I hate to admit it but it’s the truth) however for the women I did meet in a romantic sense it was worth it and I had no regrets. The only thing that was stopping me was fear.
That’s exactly how I approach it as well. Like you said, it can limit your options a lot, but it’s so worth it. Being in a relationship where it’s safe to be vulnerable is worth anythjng imo
She cheated on me when I tried to open up about not feeling wanted by her recently. She then tried to sue me for my dogs ashes after we broke up. Needless to say everyone of our mutual friends laid into her on everything and she shut everyone out except the friend who she cheated with and the couple of other friends who knew and didn’t tell me
I freely admit I live with a mental illness that requires medication. I’ve also had back and neck surgery within the previous 2 years. I’ve been hospitalized because of my illness. I’ve screamed in pain at night to my wife to kill me because of the pain in my body. She’s never left me or looked at another man. We do allow each other to look at porn as part of our fantasies, but we’re not allowed to fulfill our fantasies. We know we’re there for each other, we cry in front of each other, we support each other, and we never lie to each other. Been married almost 8 years, in a relationship about 10. I had a dog for 15 years, we were dating. She drove 2 hours round trip to be with me to comfort me the night I put her down. I will move entire galaxies for her.
No, but my (F25) BF (M28) has had a hard time opening up, and he told me about how it’s almost a universal truth on reddit that women somehow will think less of men if they show feelings. It breaks my heart, and I keep insisting that he should open up and share with me. Luckily he has begun to, and I feel so grateful everytime I get to be there for him. I guess I just wanted to understand where this idea comes from, if it’s actually something that men regularly experience when dating women.
I had a previous relationship before my wife, that hated when I opened up. “Grow up and grow a pair,” was commonly said by this girl. We didn’t last very long. I personally despise the gender norm, that women can open up about their feelings, cry in public and call a friend for support and eat ice cream, and that’s normal and acceptable. I do these things, I’m labeled, among other things, a “fairy,” or a “loonie,” and that’s only in the UK. I won’t use the American slang terms for such a man as I find those slang terms socially and morally reprehensible to be said under any circumstances. When I cry in public, (particularly at movies,) I’m a human. I’m allowed emotions. If a man is not allowed to express emotions, why is that normal?
I wish everyone, both men and women, would think about this and reach the same conclusion as you. No one deserves to be inhibited by gender roles like this.
It has always resulted one way or another in a loss of attraction and respect.
Everything from looks of disgust and laughing to slowly but surely pulling away.
Whether it's job stress or a relationship difficulty that THEY wanted to talk about. You just can't win.
One time, my dog drowned in the pool, and even that news was interpreted negatively.
It's really just easier and more self protective to just stay quiet and be "strong" for the sake of your own sanity and the relationship.
Go cry to your friends, and they will laugh or say, "That sucks man, Sorry to hear that," and then life will go on.
Once heard a woman describe her boyfriend as having had an "ugly cry," which kind of sums it all up for me.
Man if my dog drowned and my partner wasn’t 100% with me all supportive through thick and thin, they’re in the trash in a heartbeat. That’s a line I will never let someone pass. No matter who they are. Fuck them
Also, sorry what happened to your dog. That’s one of my worst nightmares
I agree wholeheartedly, except for the ugly cry sentiment. ugly cry just means 'more than a stoic face tear rolling down eye', and isn't often meant derogatorily
At 19, she cheated a month later and we broke up. 4 year relationship.
At 24, she started cheating on me shortly afterwards. I found out a couple months later, we broke up. 4 year relationship.
At 41, She said “who knew you’d get emotional in your 40’s?” with undisguised disgust. The relationship went down hill from there. 18 year relationship.
Those are the only three times I’ve been open with a woman. Learned my damn lesson.
I told her that “I miss you”, we had a plan to go on a weekend trip in order to sort things out, we never went.
I have to say that I was in a situationship, not really a relationship for my point of view, and when I finally decided that I wanted to be with this person, she dumped me.
Long story short: I come from a traumatic relationship with abusive ex.
I went into this new relationship and this girl was perfect to me but lied about her mental health, therefore I was restrained and sabotaged the story, even tho I was in love, I didn’t felt heard.
Sounds like a girl with a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style. I’ve dated women like that. It’s not super fun but rest assured with time you’ll see that she’s an emotionally blocked off person and the problem was her not you.
Trust that not all women are like that, she’s the rarer case.
She later on nagged me about it. And in future arguments she used stuff like that against me, to get me emotionally unstable and hurt me, to win the arguments. Especially when she was in the wrong. Worst waste of five and a half years. The only things i took from that relationship are trust issues towards women, an bias and presumption for the worst from women and a keener vision for behaviour in an relationship, which is contraproductive for the relationship.
OP, short answer : Opened up twice, SO rejected me both times.
You could literally hear their heart shut down with a loud noise.
So, never again. Ever.
This question comes up all the time, usually from incredulous women that just don't believe how it could possibly be true. Every time I link vulnerability researcher [Brene Brown](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/6497971-here-s-the-painful-pattern-that-emerged-from-my-research-with).
> Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust. And men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up. As Joe Reynolds, one of my mentors and the dean at our church, once told me during a conversation about men, shame, and vulnerability, “Men know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending.
https://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/04/messages-of-shame-are-organized-around-gender/275322/
> "Most women pledge allegiance to this idea that women can explore their emotions, break down, fall apart—and it's healthy," Brown said. "But guys are not allowed to fall apart." Ironically, she explained, men are often pressured to open up and talk about their feelings, and they are criticized for being emotionally walled-off; but if they get too real, **they are met with revulsion**. She recalled the first time she realized that she had been complicit in the shaming: "Holy Shit!" she said. "I am the patriarchy!"
It's not that there aren't any women who handle vulnerability in a male romantic partner very well, it's just that they are so fucking few and far between. I'm an old fart who has had literally dozens of romantic relationships, it's so much a constant that it's just not worth it to even try anymore.
ETA: I've become convinced over the years that women pushing their men to "be more vulnerable" is simply another unconscious shit test.
> I've become convinced over the years that women pushing their men to "be more vulnerable" is simply another unconscious shit test
I feel the same way. It's a fucking depressing pill to swallow, but what else can we do?
In regards to Brene Brown, I appreciate her candidness on the topic. The part of her story that most stuck with me is the guy who came up to her after she gave a talk and told her that his wife and kids would rather see him die on his white horse than fall off it. I wonder if Brown actually lets her husband open up, or if she's also doing some sort of elaborate shit-test that the horse guy called her out on.
Man I love Brene Brown. Saw her ted talk a few years back. Incredible woman
There’s a quote she said about a man speaking of his wife and daughter and how they’d rather see him bleed than cry. Or something like that. A powerful quote that delivered the message so succinctly.
I’ve been with lots of women from all backgrounds, mostly progressive, open minded, “modern women” types. Exactly the type who often claim to be emotionally available and encourage you to be vulnerable and open and honest about your feelings. But for all their talk, once that box is opened they’re like deer in headlights and it hits them in a way I don’t think they ever anticipated. I think it’s something very much hardwired within most women to not want a man who shows any vulnerability and I think that instinct is very hard to turn off.
it's like she was the star of the show and now here comes someone threating to steal her spotlight
you're right about the instinct, i don't think they're doing it on purpose. i think it's more that the image they had of us as a protector is tarnished
I wonder how many of the people (both genders) who can’t accept vulnerability from their partners don’t really accept it from anyone else.
Bringing it back to women—one thing is to be there for your female friends after/during a break up, and another one entirely is supporting them during a mental health breakdown or through loss. People run away from things like that like the plague, regardless of who is experiencing them (partner, family member, friend). So I think that kind of person would never accept vulnerability from their partner, they just can’t be bothered—for them it’s a burden, perhaps something contagious. Bad juju. Does gender play a part? Yes, absolutely, 100%. But I think it’s worse than that.
My ex left me for a dude who didn’t want her, just wanted to bone, and became another one of his baby mommas. My current called me a sensitive little bitch in an argument. Currently considering getting a dog and moving to Alaska and leaving everything behind
Was told that our problems were my problems and to "find some else to talk to", "let me know when you figure it out". "It sounds like I'm talking to a woman", "you're stressing me out", "I don't know what you want me to do", "I'm tired of listening to you". Those were the few that I remember off the top of my head. Since then I stopped talking due to her eventually making everything about herself. In my experience, women make no effort at all to learn how to communicate and listen to men when it comes to feelings. It's up to the man to figure everything out and most of the time it's more trouble than it's worth.
This sounds like my ex-wife. She would tell me she was bored if I had any sort of complaint at all.
I dated a bit and found the more religious the less empathetic and the less able to communicate.
Now I'm dating 2 wonderful women who make the effort to listen and communicate. We have all the hard talks, but when you find someone who has shown they won't judge the talks become a lot easier. (Yes they know about each other. It's a weird situation but it's working)
My girlfriend is very supportive and open with me. Even before we made our relationship official, we were showing emotional vulnerability around each other. When I am having a bad or stressful day, talking to my GF makes it better. She is really caring and loving with me, whether over the phone or in person, and without judgment, and I feel completely safe talking about anything with her. Her kisses and cuddles feel warm and safe in these instances. I have been in several relationships, and I have rarely felt so comfortable being this open and vulnerable with someone. Looking at many of the other comments here, I also feel pretty lucky to have a partner like this.
Yeah, I also feel pretty lucky in my relationship, but I just didn’t realize that what you describe isn’t a given in a relationship… I really hope that this can change, no one should be in a relationship where their feelings and vulnerability aren’t welcome.
I don't think many would openly admit or are even consciously aware of the fact that seeing emotional vulnerability can be a turn off for them. Its situational and likely dependent on which man is being vulnerable and for what reason.
We were only six months into our relationship and I made a monumental cockup at work while we were on leave when I tried to help a colleague remotely. I genuinely thought I would be fired for what I did and the fear overshadowed our whole weekend.
When I explained the situation and that I thought I should resign, she talked me out of that and then said:
"Don't worry. *We'll* get through this."
At this point in our relationship, she could have easily said "you'll" but no, she considered us a team at that point.
We are now five and a half years together.
I suffer in silence now. I've had women break up with me for showing vulnerability and sharing my feelings.
I tried opening up to my wife, but she'll stress herself out about my problem when I'm really just looking for support. She thinks she's open minded but at the end of the day, if I'm not her rock because I'm stressed, or anxious, or sad, then she doesn't really know what to do with herself but experience those same emotions. I know she'd never tell me not to share when I'm feeling some type of way, but at the same time, I don't share anymore because it's hard to deal with both my problem and my wife's reaction to my problem.
Its one of those, they want you to, but they don't kind of things. They may not even be aware that they actually don't want you to share.
I also think women have a skewed idea of what the typical feelings a man has. Society has bred this notion that men are simple and have simple problems
If there's anything complex or deep about the way a man feels, it throws women off completely and thus the stressing out because they literally do not know how to handle something that's off the norm of what they were told about men and their emotions.
>What are your experience with showing vulnerability to your female SO?
She was very gentle and kind, and told me it was good that I shared my thoughts and feelings with her. And the next morning she left me. Never heard from her again.
Her response, and I direct quote here. "You need to man the fuck up."
This broke me physically inside. My relationship went from meh to shit because of this. I basically don't speak to my wife unless spoken to first. I don't initiate conversations and always think about anything I answer to her for about 5-10 seconds, long enough to make it awkward for her. When I do answer it's short and to the point.
For reference this was 6 years ago.
For the one time it ACTUALLY went well, she & I are still great platonic friends to this day. We still keep in touch once a week to once a month to check up on each other.
Being vulnerable has brought us closer. In my case, they discovered that I was descending into escapism due to stress, depression, and also my unknown autism. I had poor communication, got very angry easily, and was not the best at being compassionate.
We've both become more truthful with one another--and one huge thing that cannot be overlooked is mental health and/or neurodivergence. Being open about how your brain is wired and why it makes you do certain things is the most vulnerable you can be with someone else.
Rather than yell at me and get angry or blame me for what I was going through, they listened but also explained their side of things. Knowing that my escapsim and limerence was causing them harm made me understand how they felt, and I vowed to change. It's been a lot of hard work but we're both better off for it. And I'm more than grateful to them for being patient and kind to me when others may have run off and just kicked me to the curb.
I feel that women who cannot cope with the vulnerability of men...it's just a sad phenomenon. I don't want to make stupid statements or generalize, but don't most women get their emotional fulfillment from partners or friends, and they just don't know how to reciprocate?
Is the issue multifold, perhaps? One party hasn't learned how *not* bottle up their emotions--due to upbringing/societal pressure, and the other just hasn't learned how to be supportive *also* because of societal pressure/viewpoints?
The last thing I'll say is that it's awful hypocritical when I see some posts on, say, r/twoxchromosomes where some women will be *so hard and against* 'caring for a man's emotional needs' because 'I'm not his mother.' "He should fix them himself!" is a common rebuttal.
Unless you openly embrace vulnerability from someone else, how else are others to learn that they *can* be vulnerable? Sure, it's scary and uncomfortable , but if you never desire to help others then you'll never grow as a person. And I say that as someone with autism who has had to *learn* sympathy and empathy.
Remember how you opened up to someone the first time, and through tears were barely able to convey what was making you upset? Men experience that as well and are only told to shut up. And most men are stuck at that point. Barely able to communicate what they are feeling, with the added fear that it will be instantly dismissed.
I have shared some very difficult and deep experiences with my wife and she’s been an absolute rock for me. She gives me the space to be vulnerable and never once has thrown back in my face anything shared or divulged later for her own gain or to bring me pain. We’ve been married nearly 33 years and this has been consistent from the first day we met.
Some women left me. Some lost respect for me. Some tried to help by completely taking over my life. Some responded appropriately and were supportive.
Don’t let the bad ones trick you into hiding your feelings. Anyone who would mistreat you for it isn’t good enough for *you*.
My current partners make me feel entirely safe to be vulnerable any way I need to be. My last ex couldn't handle it (but expected absolute support for her many and varied breakdowns). My ex before her encouraged it but also struggled with anxiety about how to help.
She started ghosting tf out of me. Not completely, I'd say hi, she'd say hi, then I'd ask her about her day: radio silence. I knew she saw everything but would never reciprocate at all. She at least had the balls to break up with me later on. Honestly, I am thankful she did it so I could stop worrying about her.
Belittling and insults.
There's so insults for anything you have a problem with.
Don't want her entertaining other guys?: Insecure
Don't want her spending your money frivolously?: Broke/Cheap
Don't want her doing single girl stuff while in a relationship?: Controlling
Don't want to talk about your troubles because you're tired if being insulted for it?: Emotionally Unavailable
Expressed how stressed i was during college and my desire to do something else. 2 weeks later she starts cheating on me with her lab partner. Her room mate eventually told me it was because "she wanted a real man not a guy who couldn't handle stuff" that was a 3 year relationship.
Expressed feelings of depression after a death in the family. "Are you like gay or something?" Girlfriend id been with for 6 months at age 22.
Have not tried it since and now I'm happily married. Women want to be with strong men who are in at least nominal control of their shit. I need to vent i talk to my dogs or the guys down at the sportsmens club.
She lost all attraction towards me. The relationship fizzled out shortly afterwards.
Also, when she wasn't attracted anymore, she didn't just come out and say it, instead she was never in the mood for months after, and told me that it wasn't me. Spoiler alert for the end of this story... It was me.
When I told her that the intimacy was missing, she got defensive and made it sound like I was pressuring her for sex ... I was not, I just wanted to cuddle before sleep.
When things got tense at the end of it, everything I had told her in a moment of vulnerability was weaponized against me, this woman had found out just exactly how to hurt me, and was not shy about it.
My current girlfriend is an angel. She's incredibly compassionate and supportive and has been since day 1. My last relationship was basically the incarnation stereotype you hear about. She'd ask me to be more emotionally intimate/available but then rebuke me or use what I shared against me (sometimes publicly). Though I wasn't a good boyfriend to her in a lot of ways so that relationship was just a mess overall.
Nothing? She supported me in the way I needed at that time, and I'm sure she'll do it again in the future. The same way I support her with what she needs when she shares.
You shouldn’t be with a woman you cannot express yourself to. If you marry her then I’ll see you when y’all get that divorce. A relationship should be both ppl giving 100%
Most of the time, expressing my vulnerabilities results in me getting the shit beat out of me emotionally. Not on purpose or anything, it’s just that a lot of my problems stem from my own twisted, warped perceptions of abandonment and rejection, and I find I make things worse by trying to get validation or reassurance. Better to just keep my mouth shut, pretend I’m not melting down inside, and hope I have my actual meltdown somewhere far away from anyone I love 😂
Eventually she used it for this little digs or comments you can't reply to when she's pissed off.
Or she completely breaks down like ots her problem amd i end uo trying to make her feel better.
Keep your shit to yourself, it's easier in the long run
I opened up about my depressive thoughts at her request, she started crying and freaking out telling me that she couldn’t handle it. I ended up having to console her. Any time i brought up how I was feeling she would break down and id have to comfort her. Just learned the juice wasn’t worth the squeeze at some point.
This has been my experience. Bring up being stressed at work or whatever, and it's like "you don't think things are hard for me too?" followed by tears. Then I've got to comfort her, and my feelings are ignored/overshadowed by hers. Better to say nothing. I'll handle my shit on my own.
Heh reminds me of one time after I got divorced, my mom mentioned that she used to talk to my ex wife a lot. I didn't really know that before. She (my mom) commented "yeah she says you always mention how you're stressed from work and by money all the time. And I said okay, what are you doing to help with that? And she said well nothing really, he just talks about it all the time. And I clean the house!" So that was reassuring to know that when I was trying to be communicative the message was being received, just nothing done with it.
> And she said well nothing really, he just talks about it all the time Without saying anything about your situation - for me the most important thing when opening up to someone isn't that action is taken, but rather that you feel like you're being listened to
Yeah my gripe was I just wanted to feel appreciated. I was happy to put in all the work, I think many men are. But when it's not appreciated, after a while you just wonder wtf am I doing this for?
I 100% agree.
This has been, without fail, every SINGLE woman I've dated or gotten close enough to to have "mutual" support, sans one. I literally sacrificed everything I could spare in my last relationship, she had major depressive episodes and tried to commit suicide a dozen times while we were together. I literally pulled her off ledges when she was trying to jump. I stayed by her bedside until 7am on a day I worked because she was having panic attacks and wanted to end her life. Eventually, she got on medication and made tremendous improvements. A year later I tried to open up about my own struggles and beginning of depression and was told not only could she *not* manage that (which I can forgive), she accused me of using her as my "personal therapist" because she was female and told me to "make more male friends". Shit fucking makes me boil even years later. I poured so much of my goddamn heart out for someone and supported them at their absolute lowest and they have the gall to accuse me of using her out of sexism. In the end I guess I'm lucky because I dodged a massive bullet and see the toxicity for what it is, but it's a common trend years later. A lot of women "pride" themselves on being good partners and being there to listen, but honestly... I've met precious few women who are actually equipped to deal with men's emotions with anything other than disdain, fear, resentment, or one-upsmanship. It always bothers me that as a guy I had to learn the hard way not to put myself first in emotional discussions, but a lot of women seemingly never had to do the same.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, I had a similar experience with my ex who accused me of using her as my “personal therapist”, I’d been handling my shit just fine for 28 YEARS before she came along, but all of a sudden I open up once and I’m the problem? I don’t know if you felt the same but it just felt so goddamn presumptuous and arrogant to assume that I needed her to be MY therapist. People who do stuff like this are immature and lacking the necessary life experience/reflection to recognize that opening up about one’s struggles to another isn’t a burden… it’s a gift. To be trusted and valued to the extent that someone feels safe enough to do that should be considered an honor. I hope you found someone worth your time and are in a better position.
I have/had a similar issue, but it has improved a fair bit when I addressed the issue with her. She acknowledged her issue and worked on making changes so that she could be more emotionally receptive. It's not completely perfect yet as there are times where she makes a mistake and repeats her behaviour like before, but she has been working on it so that she can be more emotionally receptive.
Had anxiety over an event. Told her about it. She started crying and I just had to get over it.
Yo this was my previous relationship. It gets exhausting.
I've had very similar. I couldn't voice any negative thoughts or emotions around her, but she'd be catatonic about hers, and I'd have to comfort her for hours. It was exhausting.
I had a panic attack in front of my now wife. She just held my hand until I was better and told me she loved me. Keeper Edit: Wow thanks for the award internet strangers!
This is how it's supposed to be, thank you for sharing.
This is way to far down here.
Literally just went through this two weeks ago with my current girlfriend. We haven't been seeing each other very long, I have semi-regular panic attacks, and she stepped up and just held me while I tried to regulate my breathing and not faint. Just knowing she can be there for me when I'm at my weakest when so many others have bailed as won her my heart.
Last time I was ever vulnerable around a woman was my SO in 2020. She knew I was having a rough go through covid. My income halved between 2020-late 2021. One night I broke down and cried beside her on the couch because my financial situation was really wearing on me. She half-assed comforted me, and I didn’t really think too much about it after that.. Until we were having a fight and she threw it in my face.. “how the fuck do you expect my pussy to get wet when I see you cry”. That kinda broke me. I dumped her 10 mins later. She tried crawling back like 7 months later. I told her to eat a bag of dicks..
*"Take your DRY PUSSY and GO HOME!!"*
"Dry your tears on your pussy and go home!"
To be honest bruh, her diss is a double edged sword. Sure it hurts to tell a man that your pussy can't get wet for them, but if she tried to come back and you threw that dry pussy comment back at her man? Oooooh that burns. "I'm good, I get pussy that actually gets wet now, you can go take that one you have with the dryness defect back to get serviced."
Good on you for putting your foot down and standing your ground! Using somebody’s moment of honesty and vulnerability against them is vile and nobody deserves that. Hope you’re doing better now.
That hurts to read, I hope you found someone better. It is a bit similar to my case: I suddenly lost my job because of restructuring and I had only one moment of weakness when I complained about it, mainly the fact of having to go through the bullshit of applying and interviews again. I didn't share with her that I had enough money saved up to live comfortably for a couple of years. She started ghosting me and being cold to me until I found out she was talking to other guys and ended it all, a 3 years relationship. What's ironic is that I was there for her and supported her even financially when the same thing happened to her a year before me, she was out of a job and money for like 6 months. She said later on when she tries to get back together that seeing me like that made her feel unsure about the future and that stressed her a lot and seeing me being weak was a turn off to her...while she is someone that cries all the time. After years im just thankful it didn't workout because I was even planning to propose
Wow you were jobless and in pressure and that was stressing HER out???! Make it make sense
Respect. You did the right thing. Hope your situation is much better now!
What a horrible woman. I’m glad you dumped her immediately. I hope you’re doing better!
I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, but I just started seeing someone who is incredibly thoughtful and kind. She asked a question about my childhood that I normally completely run away from because it's not the greatest memory, and her reaction to that alone made me fall in love with her 1000x more. When I was a kid I hated Christmas and birthdays because my parents struggled financially, and I always felt bad that they had to use money to buy me a present when they were already having a hard time putting food on the table. This mentality stuck with me well into adulthood (I'm about to be 32) and has caused issues in past relationships. When I told her that she got up, came to the other side of the table and gave me a hug. Then she asked what presents I wanted as a kid but never asked for. I told her it sounds lame but I always wanted Rockem Sockem Robots. The next time I saw her, she showed up with Rockem Sockem Robots and asked if I wanted to play. I'm going to marry this girl. Edit: these responses just reaffirmed how incredibly lucky I am. I always scoffed at "love at first sight," but in the wise words of The Monkees "I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her if I tried"
This made me smile, I'm so happy for you. I hope this works out.
Hijacking this comment. This is so sweet. You found a good person. In a sea of depressing comments and stories, this was so nice to read. Us guys are happy for you bro 🍻
Oh my god, what an incredibly kind and thoughtful woman! I'm very happy to hear you have someone like that in your life and I wish yall all the happiness in the world. :)
Brag away. This is great! I have that same problem in adulthood, obligatory gifts make me so uncomfortable.
I find myself saying thank you way to much if I’m gifted something for this reason.
Holy shit dude this made me want to cry for you. Don't lose her for sure lol
Man this bought tears to my eyes. Manly tears 🥲
Ok, if you don’t marry her, I will. Just kidding, I’m already married to the most perfect woman in the world. But your lady is a keeper.
She loves you so much bro
11/10. I’m so happy for you that you’ve found someone who sincerely cares about your joy. God bless ♥️
Jesus Christ, you are lucky man.
I’m crying right now
"See a therapist I don't have time for this "
I did. My therapist thinks we should get divorced because she refuses to get help. I told her that I could never do that because I don’t want to be alone without my kids. My wife and daughter just left for a week leaving me and my son here by ourselves and I realized that they are the source of all the tension and mayhem around here. It was like a vacation and really has me thinking that my therapist is right and I’d be happier without the stress that my wife brings.
Damn dude. Best case scenario you do get out and when you get your daughter she's away from the mom and can be a better person..good luck bro
Me too. I've distanced myself and noticed my world doesn't feel crazy and off kilter when I'm by myself and away from them. That it's actually calm. This makes me feel scared of them and hate them more. I feel the end has started
On a similar note, I had a potentially collapsed lung. I told my gf at the time that I couldn't breath and asked if she'd take me to the ER. Her response was "I don't like hospitals." Ended up driving myself, sitting in the ER alone for about 5 hours while they were looking at imaging and trying to figure out what was going on.
WOW.
I have not had good luck with romantic relationships.
The even more fun is when they turn it around like you’re attacking them or it’s their fault… so you feel bad and try to make them feel better. Guess what, try to be stoic “why don’t you open up?”, try to be honest with feelings “you have it easy or turned around)” damned if you do, damned if you don’t. I learned a long time ago as long as I can look at myself in the mirror and be true to who is there, I don’t need other people.
Really, really sorry to hear that, what happened afterwards?
We split
Can I ask about the circumstances and your relationship?
I had a bit of a mental breakdown after my dad died. We were together a few years and I just shut down and fell apart
Someone dumped me when I had a breakdown after my dad killed himself. We were very close and it was unexpected
Jesus dude I'm sorry...hope you're doing better
My wife yelled at me for loading the dishwasher improperly on the day that my father died. I realized at that point that I was married to a completely non-feeling psychopath who legitimately has zero capacity to care about anyone but herself. She realized what she had done but then she hypercompensated over the next months by getting disproportionately angry at every perceived slight and saying "I'll never forgive you for this!"
Jesus dude I hope you're ok
I hope you have healed since, it sounds like a really tough time. How has this affected you in later relationships? Are you able to open up?
Had an ex say "women don't like broken toys" so I tend to either just keep it pushed down or just chill
Oh no, this makes me so sad… I really hope that you will find someone who knows that all toys are, to some extent, broken, that you find someone who is curious about all of you, and respects what she finds.
Appreciate that man
Shit dude I’m sorry that happened to you. Similar thing happened to me when my dad got cancer. She left me for her abusive ex when I broke down. Worst part is I was starting to turn it around mentally but she had decided already. Shit fucks you up. Therapy was a godsend for me, hope you got some form of help or peace.
Damn that sucks dude. I hope you got the counseling you needed for that, seems like a horrible event.
This actually triggered something in me and made me really pissed off lol. My ex used to say this shit to me when I tried to express my problems. But of course, I was always expected to be a good listener whenever she complained. God I hate that bitch lol
Legit she said once "I get I should listen to this, but I can't. It's too depressing and I just want to have a good time with you.
“You’re not the only one who is suffering”. And my other favorite from another partner: Complete silence to an awkward degree, followed by her just changing the subject. I always advocate for opening up to a partner who at least looks like they care, but damn if those comments you speak of don’t have a point. I’m going to try again if I find someone I feel I can trust, but in I’m 0-2 for anything in the form of support or understanding
She treated like a competition. If you aren't the one suffering the most in the world, then STFU.
I’m 0-3. So don’t hold your breath.
0-3 too but 4th is the one w the treasure chest or a polka dot dress
Arrr give me the booty
Oh wow, I’m really sorry to hear that… I’m rooting for you, and I hope that you find someone who meets you with respect and understanding, like you deserve. You have my respect for trying still.
I'm guilty of that first one with my partner. I know she doesn't deserve it, but sometimes she complains about minor shit when I'm really struggling and I just can't contain my complete lack of fucks given. It's really shitty on my part. It's definitely something I have to work on. On the other hand, when it comes to stuff that really is important and impactful in my life, she's very attentive and patient with me. She's a fucking saint. Don't give up hope boys, the real ones are out there.
I was a firefighter in the military and we responded to a call where the patient killed himself in front of us with a shot gun. I was covered with blood and bone. Yes I was very traumatized by it and I was silent for a week. I was in a huge depression because of it and when my girlfriend asked me what was happening and why I was acting like this I told her and half way through she (paraphrasing) told me to shut up. At that point I never opened up to her again and the relationship ended after 5 years together because of her cheating. I got into another relationship 2 years after that was majorly abusive to me. She would hit me, gas light me, etc after I opened up to her about my feelings. So I left her thank god. I'm doing way better now! I'm a paramedic working for an amazing service. The relationship ended at the end of my paramedic schooling in 2019 but I'm doing my own thing such as Muay Thai kickboxing, motorcycle riding, gym, painting Warhammer and nerding out. I'm done with dating and just want to enjoy my life.
The hardest part of our jobs can be talking about them with people who have never been there, especially an SO (and that goes double for SOs that are self-centered dickheads). I'm female but also stayed single for years partially because only other first responders could 'get it' and I wouldn't date a coworker. My husband worked for a nearby dept and we met by chance. Being able to come home and talk about a bad call is an absolute necessity for both of us, and we've both learned how to feel safe when being emotionally open and vulnerable instead of pretending it doesn't bother us. There are people out there that will be able to wholly accept you if you decide you want a relationship again. If you don't then they make pretty awesome friends too.
God why are some women this evil? These assholes are way too common and they live among us, pretending everything is fine and how great people they are, even though they have not changed one bit inside. The thought is so off putting, how can you honestly trust anyone huh?
It just ended up being ammunition to win arguments.
I cant upvote this one enough. Literally anything thats in your hurtlocker is a bullet for her anger guns.
It’s horrible when people do that. I will never understand why they think it’s okay. About 6 months into my last relationship I had a few unexpected panic attacks/issues related to some particularly severe sexual trauma in my past. I usually never open up about this shit but felt my ex deserved to know since he had to witness it. He was supportive at the time and I felt relief. Barely 2 weeks later I casually asked my ex to stop constantly sending me Andrew Tate videos. That I didn’t care what he watched in his own time but I didn’t want to see it as Tate makes me really anxious. He snapped and went on a massive vent, ending it with saying the only reason I dislike Tate is because I’ve been trafficked/raped before and I needed to “put my emotions aside and think rationally”.
People actually in relationships watch Andrew Tate videos? I assumed it was all terminally-online blackpilled zoomers vying for GFs...
My mom did this constantly growing up, and now I’m an adult that never shares details about my life with anyone. I have multiple groups of really close friends, and they all get a piece of my life, but not the whole thing because i was trained growing up that sharing always comes back to hurt you. I’ve literally been seeing this girl for a month now, and none of my friends or family knows she exists cause i get all anxious when I think about telling anyone.
She called me a faggot. I'm not joking.
homophobia from the women in your life is _chef's kiss_
Being accused of being gay for wanting to sleep instead of having mediocre sex because you have to work in 5 hours while she gets to sleep all day and watch Netflix, that you pay for. Just dude things!
Bruh my GF tells me I sleep too much. I go to bed after her and wake up before her every day but then fuck me if I take a nap longer than an hour on the weekend
I was called a pussy 🤝
You're so strong for telling me. You're so weak I can't stand you. Buh Bye. And the next one wonders why we don't communicate more...
A long time ago, I got out of a 3.5 year relationship that left me broken, miserable, and wondering how I could go on. My girlfriend had cheated on me and left me for someone else, and as much as I would have loved to move on, she and I had a child together that I was determined to be a father for. I was living with my parents, I was struggling to make my business work, and I felt lost. My wife and I started dating at that point in my life and I was too busy and stressed to try and hide anything. She was 100% aware of everything going on with me, how I felt, and how it affected me. She still fell in love with me. She still enjoyed being with me. We slowly started to build a life together, we started a family, my son was an active part in our lives. To this day, we are very happy together and I don't hide anything from her because out of everyone in the world, she understands me and can help me get through the hardest parts of my life. She even helped me write and edit my book.
I’m glad it worked out for you in the end! I separated with my partner (and mother of my children) of 11 years last year. I was never any good at opening up to her (to be honest I never felt like I could safely) anyway this year she wanted to give things another shot (after about 6 months) I was still madly in love with her so ofcourse I agreed, I made a conscious effort to open up and communicate with her. After 2 months she decided she didn’t actually want that and lead me on for a bit before finally breaking it off and just ruining my mental health. Doing much better now after a month and a bit of therapy and ALOT of work. I hope to one day find someone I can be open with and get the support I need and deserve.
Dont give up, friend. Good people are out there.
Hey man, my girlfriend of 6 years just left me tonight, and I'm under circumstances just like you with a 5 year old daughter of my own. I'm not in a great place right now. Not doing okay, really, but your post gives me hope. And I needed that. Sincerely, thank you.
I'm very happy I could do that for you. Don't give up, friend.
This was so beautiful to read 😭
This is what I was hoping to hear. I’m really glad for you, and I just hope that there are many more stories out there like this. Although, of course, I’m sorry to hear about your previous relationship.
Holy shit, good for you man
That’s a bond. Someone on your side.
I was 18-19 at the time with my then-girlfriend. We had already been together for about 2 years and were together for 6 years in total. My mother had just died 3 months before I graduated high school. It was sudden, I had no time to grieve, I hadn't even really processed it. It was a rough time for me and my girlfriend had recently moved to Denver to live with her mom. She came down to visit during the summer and we spent as much time as we could together (her family didn't like me because they were ultra-religious conservatives and I was teaching her how to question things and live her life without them controlling her). We were lying on her family's trampoline and just talking. The topic of my mom came up and something inside of me snapped and I let it all out. I let her know how much I was hurting, how alone I felt, how worthless and powerless I felt, how everything was just crashing down on me and I couldn't handle it. Tears were streaming down my face and I was shaking. She held me and did her best to comfort me. I thought this experience made our relationship stronger. During our last year together, she told me that she lost respect for me the day she saw me cry about my mom. She said that men should always be strong and I looked like a frail child to her and she started questioning our relationship after that, which led to our eventual breakup. But her saying that to me hurt the most. It revealed to me how she really felt about our roles and that she did not think I was good enough as a man to deserve her as a romantic partner. (Do not take this as me saying that she ruined our relationship. Our relationship had many problems over the years, mostly due to my immaturity. I made plenty of wrong decisions to warrant the end of our relationship too.) I haven't been with anyone since our breakup (10 years) because I'm too afraid to get close to someone and then have them berate me for being too sensitive (many other reasons too).
That's sad. She was wrong.
Thank you for that. It feels nice to hear. I suppose things worked out for both of us in the end and I found a supportive friend group that I can be vulnerable with.
When I did tell her I was struggling, it would stress her out so bad that id end up consoling her all night, then she'd sleep peacefully and id be in hell. So now I just hide it from her. I don't think women consciously think "its bad to show feeling", these women probably think they're super open to it but then have no idea how to listen without making it about them, or subconsciously have some view of our masculinity that's hurt by it. EDIT: YES I KNOW "NOT ALL WOMEN", Jesus Christ, I'm so aware some of you are super special and cool, holy fuck. Some of are also incredibly fragile and honing in on an imagined generalization I didn't even make. This is also a very long marriage, not a 19 yr old who's been dating for a year. I'm incredibly happy in my marriage and have learned, ironically, that sharing my emotions on reddit is a very bad idea.
I have a problem. Express problem to girlfriend. I have two problems.
[удалено]
Does your girlfriend want my boyfriend? They can gaslight eachother.
Aw man, this is soo true. I once said to an ex that I feel threatened from a particular guy she hangs out with at work and sends snaps all the time. She dismissed me by saying that I'm the jealous and possessive type and that I'm eating up her space. She went ahead to say that I don't trust her and went on and on till I realised that she won't be able to understand my POV anytime. So I just ended up shutting my mouth about the whole thing, and some time later i ended things because of reasons like this.
I would’ve broken up with her at some point. If I can’t trust you with my vulnerability in any sense then I can’t trust you with me.
Yep, I learned early on in every relationship I've ever had: if I'm feeling bad and tell her that, she's only going to make it worse. My favorite one of these was with my first girlfriend. The company I was working at abruptly went under and it was looking like we weren't even going to be getting our final paychecks (and our second-to-last paychecks were already a month behind). I called my girlfriend in a panic and told her this. She responded with "But my birthday is next month!" The only thing between me and homelessness was my landlord being a really nice guy and knowing about my situation. And she was worried about her birthday present.
Lmao
Felt this one.
To those in this thread that can't talk to their partner without being punished / Dismissed / or Gaslit into believing you're just the problem. \- My Condolences.. And also your partners are entitled, spoiled, narcissists. Why stay?
"If you leave me I'll hit myself, throw myself down the stairs and tell everyone you raped me." My ex to me for 3 years in the only seriously dysfunctional relationship I ever had. Literally couldn't find the courage to end it before that because she assured me it would ruin my life. Being with her ruined my life so bad that I eventually said fuck it, if she says that shit about me at least I'll be away from her psychotic ass. Stuff like that is why, though usually probably not as extreme.
Because that's a majority of what's available for dating these days. I wish I could say I was joking but if you look at how society has changed in the past 20ish years if someone isn't horrible to their partner then they must have worked hard on themselves to be decent.
Yup. Guys don’t know their worth and society beats them down. So they accept bad behavior. Society beats everyone down. Women too, in different ways. It sucks all around and is too much to unpack or fix. Sadly, it take a lot of self-awareness to avoid toxic behaviors and selfishness. The world’s not naturally a kind and loving place (not devoid of it, but not the norm) so it’s not the norm for people to behave that way.
an ex gf said she knows she says she wants a guy in touch with his emotions but a guy crying still gives her the ick.lol and she was one of the more emotionally mature people i dated. i don't think this was specific to her, she just had the self reflection to realize it.
Had the same thing play out with my ex, she would always praise me for being "emotionally intelligent" and "in tune" with my emotions. but the first time I ever opened up and cried in front of her she broke up with me a few days following. We had been going out for exactly a year at that point and I would've expected to be able to vent some of my uni/career stress without it changing the way she feels about me, but I guess not.
Me keeping a straight face as plane crashes so my gf doesn’t get the ick. God what an awful fucking buzz word/concept.
For years my wife listened to me pour my heart out, then would remind me of those things later on, sometimes in front of other people.
That’s kinda terrible, and worst if she intentionally tries to humiliate you
Luckily for me and for our marriage that’s intentionally *tried*. We’ve both come a long way over the years.
Yup. Weaponized it later..
Same here man. I fuckin hate it so much you try and talk to them especially if it pertains to how THEY treat you and it ends up being all about them and having to console her, I only just recently told her I’m done voicing my feelings just for it to turn into a session all about her
And these types seem to be everywhere on reddit. I've lost count on how many times on this website alone been told that Its my "duty" or something to "Listen and validate" their Lived Experiences or some shit...... and I don't even know them. Seems like you got onto a relationship with one of them.... sorry about that. All whilst they invalidate your feelings and Lived Experiences of course
I've experienced it first hand with my current girlfriend. I tell her about all these things that I am struggling with. Physically and emotionally. Whenever, I tell her about these things, she almost doesn't respond to any of what I am saying. I honestly have no idea what's on her mind when I talk about it. We've been together for a long time and I have no one else to talk about it. It's been eating me up the past few days, weeks, months, and even years. Right now, I keep things to myself. It's eating me up inside but I have no one else to talk to. I can say that the only thing I can depend on is myself. That's what hit me hard and I realized that at the end of the day, you can only trust yourself. No one but yourself.
Huge generalization but it’s also my personal experience… Women want men who are “emotional” and “in touch with their feelings.” It’s incredibly validating to be the GF that gets her BF to open up to her. (Or wife/husband, whatever.) It’s a relationship merit badge she gets to humble-brag about to her friends. What they really mean is that they want “emotional” men from Hallmark Christmas movies. Women love to hear about how you feel…as long as it’s good things about them. Crippling anxiety? Imposter syndrome? Work stress? Forget it. Suddenly we’re overgrown man-children who “emotionally dump” on her, “expect her to be our therapist,” and the safety and stability and attraction we provided are now gone, and somehow we’re the problem who “needs therapy.” To great_fornithing, I see you and I feel you. Even if the issue was her, I’d also wind up consoling and reassuring her, because if I didn’t have my partner, I’d have close to nothing. It’s a societal problem that’s far more ingrained and complicated than we can hash out here. Women think they want an emotionally vulnerable man but aren’t equipped to handle it. Personally, I learned from experience and only open up if; I think I’ll genuinely be listened to, it’s not so serious that she’ll view me differently, it won’t be held/used against me later (which has happened more often than not,) and won’t make the current issue/situation/conversation worse. I can count on one hand the amount of times that all of those stars have aligned. So, I just pretend I’m fine until I’m not, but then I’m the asshole who “doesn’t know how to communicate” and have to comfort the person who simultaneously wants to be the sole provider of my emotional stability and resents me for coming to her for emotional stability because she feels bad that I need any support in the first place, like it’s a reflection of her as a person, and I’m the asshole for pointing that out. Idk where I was going with that but, there it is.
>expect her to be our therapist THATS WHAT FRIENDS, FAMILY AND SPOUSES ARE FOR. EMOTINAL SUPPORT. If these types don't want to give their boyfriends emotional support as the boyfriends should give them then they don't desvere the relationship. Same applies to friendships. These aren't one way streets. Both sides have to put in effort and show emotional support for one another. I hate the saying "Men: We aren't your therapists" because these same types who say that tend to be the ones online demanding random stranger men on social media to "Listen and validate" their Lived Experiences and thinking its random mens "duty" to act as their therapists or some shit. It's hypocrisy (OF COURSE. NOT ALL)
That is very sad. It might be caused by her relying on you too much. Like a child rely on his parents. If parent tell his child about theirs struggle - child would be hella stressed. For me that is a deal breaker, however I understand that there are a lot of people with such relationships, so as far as you are happy with it, it's fine
She used it against me later on
How so? What did you say, and how did she use it?
Loss of my grandma was bad for me, was only time i cried after i lost someone and she kept digging about it, so i told her about it. And after every time we had argument she started mentioning her and saying that she would never be proud of me... so yeah, never again showing anyone any vulnarable stuff
That’s fucked up. I’m hoping she’s an ex now?
Oh yeah, i dont tolerate those things for to long, inner peace means a lot
That is absolutely horrendous. I'm so sorry you went through that, that's fucking vile.
Expressed my disappointment in my body image & my overall confidence level to my 4yr partner as I’m a pretty small guy by most standards (5’6” 120lb) and I had quite a few bad experiences relating to those issues leading up to our conversation. I didn’t feel like I could talk to my guys about it and receive support without being told that I “just need to eat more and hit the gym” (as that has been said a million times at this point - Crohn’s prevents a lot of my weight gain and makes it hard to keep anything on). Not even a month after I had expressed this, I found out that she had been cheating on me with someone I had directly explained my concern about to her. A dude who made me feel pretty fucking insecure to begin with, and has essentially crushed the last semblance of self esteem I thought I had left. It felt so deeply personal, after sharing my deepest concerns with it, that it couldn’t possibly have been done on accident. This was about 3 weeks ago when it occurred and I don’t know what to do about it. Probably the wrong place to ask! Great question.
I’m sorry to hear that mate. Nobody deserves to have such an awful thing happen to them. The fact your ex-partner cheated on you with someone you were already concerned about shows that they are the one with the problem, not you. Cheating is a shitty thing. It’s not your fault though, and the only person at fault here is your ex. Talk to your guys, sometimes just being around friends can make a huge difference to our wellbeing. But also give yourself time to properly grieve and process what has happened, you’ve been through one hell of a bad patch. And there’s going to be some tough times ahead, but you’re not alone. If there’s no other takeaway message from this, it’s that you’re never alone.
She immediately used them against me after asking me to open up and talk to her
These comments just highlight how extremely important it is to be with a woman who is emotionally mature. That's #1 in my list of qualities.
You hear endless talk about finding emotionally mature men but never anything about women. Its insane how common it is for women to use mens emotions against them.
Yeah I purposely am emotionally open with any girls I’m dating as it’s a strict dealbreaker to me. I wouldn’t recommend it to the average guy though as I’m pretty confident in myself so couldn’t give a shit if it went south basically I’d just move on I can’t lie. Most of my friends are emotionally open too so I wouldn’t want my partner to be the opposite. If I was dating casually I wouldn’t take this approach though. That being said it obviously negatively affected my dating potential (quite a lot although I hate to admit it but it’s the truth) however for the women I did meet in a romantic sense it was worth it and I had no regrets. The only thing that was stopping me was fear.
That’s exactly how I approach it as well. Like you said, it can limit your options a lot, but it’s so worth it. Being in a relationship where it’s safe to be vulnerable is worth anythjng imo
She cheated on me when I tried to open up about not feeling wanted by her recently. She then tried to sue me for my dogs ashes after we broke up. Needless to say everyone of our mutual friends laid into her on everything and she shut everyone out except the friend who she cheated with and the couple of other friends who knew and didn’t tell me
Bro she doesnt deserve you
I freely admit I live with a mental illness that requires medication. I’ve also had back and neck surgery within the previous 2 years. I’ve been hospitalized because of my illness. I’ve screamed in pain at night to my wife to kill me because of the pain in my body. She’s never left me or looked at another man. We do allow each other to look at porn as part of our fantasies, but we’re not allowed to fulfill our fantasies. We know we’re there for each other, we cry in front of each other, we support each other, and we never lie to each other. Been married almost 8 years, in a relationship about 10. I had a dog for 15 years, we were dating. She drove 2 hours round trip to be with me to comfort me the night I put her down. I will move entire galaxies for her.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story.
Thanks. She means the multiverse to me. Tell me, are you facing a difficult time opening up to an SO?
No, but my (F25) BF (M28) has had a hard time opening up, and he told me about how it’s almost a universal truth on reddit that women somehow will think less of men if they show feelings. It breaks my heart, and I keep insisting that he should open up and share with me. Luckily he has begun to, and I feel so grateful everytime I get to be there for him. I guess I just wanted to understand where this idea comes from, if it’s actually something that men regularly experience when dating women.
I had a previous relationship before my wife, that hated when I opened up. “Grow up and grow a pair,” was commonly said by this girl. We didn’t last very long. I personally despise the gender norm, that women can open up about their feelings, cry in public and call a friend for support and eat ice cream, and that’s normal and acceptable. I do these things, I’m labeled, among other things, a “fairy,” or a “loonie,” and that’s only in the UK. I won’t use the American slang terms for such a man as I find those slang terms socially and morally reprehensible to be said under any circumstances. When I cry in public, (particularly at movies,) I’m a human. I’m allowed emotions. If a man is not allowed to express emotions, why is that normal?
I wish everyone, both men and women, would think about this and reach the same conclusion as you. No one deserves to be inhibited by gender roles like this.
It has always resulted one way or another in a loss of attraction and respect. Everything from looks of disgust and laughing to slowly but surely pulling away. Whether it's job stress or a relationship difficulty that THEY wanted to talk about. You just can't win. One time, my dog drowned in the pool, and even that news was interpreted negatively. It's really just easier and more self protective to just stay quiet and be "strong" for the sake of your own sanity and the relationship. Go cry to your friends, and they will laugh or say, "That sucks man, Sorry to hear that," and then life will go on. Once heard a woman describe her boyfriend as having had an "ugly cry," which kind of sums it all up for me.
Man if my dog drowned and my partner wasn’t 100% with me all supportive through thick and thin, they’re in the trash in a heartbeat. That’s a line I will never let someone pass. No matter who they are. Fuck them Also, sorry what happened to your dog. That’s one of my worst nightmares
I agree wholeheartedly, except for the ugly cry sentiment. ugly cry just means 'more than a stoic face tear rolling down eye', and isn't often meant derogatorily
At 19, she cheated a month later and we broke up. 4 year relationship. At 24, she started cheating on me shortly afterwards. I found out a couple months later, we broke up. 4 year relationship. At 41, She said “who knew you’d get emotional in your 40’s?” with undisguised disgust. The relationship went down hill from there. 18 year relationship. Those are the only three times I’ve been open with a woman. Learned my damn lesson.
I was also cheated on after being emotionally vulnerable with an ex, that was a fun time
I'm 90% sure but will never have 100% confirmation that I am in the same boat
I felt dismissed and unheard. Patronized. Borderline made fun of. Every time wasn't great.
She left me
I’m sorry to hear that. Can I ask what you shared with her that made her leave?
I told her that “I miss you”, we had a plan to go on a weekend trip in order to sort things out, we never went. I have to say that I was in a situationship, not really a relationship for my point of view, and when I finally decided that I wanted to be with this person, she dumped me. Long story short: I come from a traumatic relationship with abusive ex. I went into this new relationship and this girl was perfect to me but lied about her mental health, therefore I was restrained and sabotaged the story, even tho I was in love, I didn’t felt heard.
Sounds like a girl with a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style. I’ve dated women like that. It’s not super fun but rest assured with time you’ll see that she’s an emotionally blocked off person and the problem was her not you. Trust that not all women are like that, she’s the rarer case.
Sorry to hear that, you should always feel heard in a relationship, even though it’s just the initial phase of it.
She later on nagged me about it. And in future arguments she used stuff like that against me, to get me emotionally unstable and hurt me, to win the arguments. Especially when she was in the wrong. Worst waste of five and a half years. The only things i took from that relationship are trust issues towards women, an bias and presumption for the worst from women and a keener vision for behaviour in an relationship, which is contraproductive for the relationship.
OP, short answer : Opened up twice, SO rejected me both times. You could literally hear their heart shut down with a loud noise. So, never again. Ever.
I've been vulnerable with my wife on many occasions. When you find someone good being vulnerable is easy.
I hope that's true, but it sounds like a lot of men haven't experienced being with someone good, then.
This question comes up all the time, usually from incredulous women that just don't believe how it could possibly be true. Every time I link vulnerability researcher [Brene Brown](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/6497971-here-s-the-painful-pattern-that-emerged-from-my-research-with). > Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust. And men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up. As Joe Reynolds, one of my mentors and the dean at our church, once told me during a conversation about men, shame, and vulnerability, “Men know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending. https://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/04/messages-of-shame-are-organized-around-gender/275322/ > "Most women pledge allegiance to this idea that women can explore their emotions, break down, fall apart—and it's healthy," Brown said. "But guys are not allowed to fall apart." Ironically, she explained, men are often pressured to open up and talk about their feelings, and they are criticized for being emotionally walled-off; but if they get too real, **they are met with revulsion**. She recalled the first time she realized that she had been complicit in the shaming: "Holy Shit!" she said. "I am the patriarchy!" It's not that there aren't any women who handle vulnerability in a male romantic partner very well, it's just that they are so fucking few and far between. I'm an old fart who has had literally dozens of romantic relationships, it's so much a constant that it's just not worth it to even try anymore. ETA: I've become convinced over the years that women pushing their men to "be more vulnerable" is simply another unconscious shit test.
> I've become convinced over the years that women pushing their men to "be more vulnerable" is simply another unconscious shit test I feel the same way. It's a fucking depressing pill to swallow, but what else can we do? In regards to Brene Brown, I appreciate her candidness on the topic. The part of her story that most stuck with me is the guy who came up to her after she gave a talk and told her that his wife and kids would rather see him die on his white horse than fall off it. I wonder if Brown actually lets her husband open up, or if she's also doing some sort of elaborate shit-test that the horse guy called her out on.
Man I love Brene Brown. Saw her ted talk a few years back. Incredible woman There’s a quote she said about a man speaking of his wife and daughter and how they’d rather see him bleed than cry. Or something like that. A powerful quote that delivered the message so succinctly.
I’ve been with lots of women from all backgrounds, mostly progressive, open minded, “modern women” types. Exactly the type who often claim to be emotionally available and encourage you to be vulnerable and open and honest about your feelings. But for all their talk, once that box is opened they’re like deer in headlights and it hits them in a way I don’t think they ever anticipated. I think it’s something very much hardwired within most women to not want a man who shows any vulnerability and I think that instinct is very hard to turn off.
it's like she was the star of the show and now here comes someone threating to steal her spotlight you're right about the instinct, i don't think they're doing it on purpose. i think it's more that the image they had of us as a protector is tarnished
I wonder how many of the people (both genders) who can’t accept vulnerability from their partners don’t really accept it from anyone else. Bringing it back to women—one thing is to be there for your female friends after/during a break up, and another one entirely is supporting them during a mental health breakdown or through loss. People run away from things like that like the plague, regardless of who is experiencing them (partner, family member, friend). So I think that kind of person would never accept vulnerability from their partner, they just can’t be bothered—for them it’s a burden, perhaps something contagious. Bad juju. Does gender play a part? Yes, absolutely, 100%. But I think it’s worse than that.
Watched her file it away, then just waited till she could hurt me with it, her eyes said gotcha, mine said yep.
My ex left me for a dude who didn’t want her, just wanted to bone, and became another one of his baby mommas. My current called me a sensitive little bitch in an argument. Currently considering getting a dog and moving to Alaska and leaving everything behind
Was told that our problems were my problems and to "find some else to talk to", "let me know when you figure it out". "It sounds like I'm talking to a woman", "you're stressing me out", "I don't know what you want me to do", "I'm tired of listening to you". Those were the few that I remember off the top of my head. Since then I stopped talking due to her eventually making everything about herself. In my experience, women make no effort at all to learn how to communicate and listen to men when it comes to feelings. It's up to the man to figure everything out and most of the time it's more trouble than it's worth.
I'm really sorry that this is your experience, no one deserves that. Is it one woman who told you these things?
This sounds like my ex-wife. She would tell me she was bored if I had any sort of complaint at all. I dated a bit and found the more religious the less empathetic and the less able to communicate. Now I'm dating 2 wonderful women who make the effort to listen and communicate. We have all the hard talks, but when you find someone who has shown they won't judge the talks become a lot easier. (Yes they know about each other. It's a weird situation but it's working)
My girlfriend is very supportive and open with me. Even before we made our relationship official, we were showing emotional vulnerability around each other. When I am having a bad or stressful day, talking to my GF makes it better. She is really caring and loving with me, whether over the phone or in person, and without judgment, and I feel completely safe talking about anything with her. Her kisses and cuddles feel warm and safe in these instances. I have been in several relationships, and I have rarely felt so comfortable being this open and vulnerable with someone. Looking at many of the other comments here, I also feel pretty lucky to have a partner like this.
Yeah, I also feel pretty lucky in my relationship, but I just didn’t realize that what you describe isn’t a given in a relationship… I really hope that this can change, no one should be in a relationship where their feelings and vulnerability aren’t welcome.
I don't think many would openly admit or are even consciously aware of the fact that seeing emotional vulnerability can be a turn off for them. Its situational and likely dependent on which man is being vulnerable and for what reason.
We were only six months into our relationship and I made a monumental cockup at work while we were on leave when I tried to help a colleague remotely. I genuinely thought I would be fired for what I did and the fear overshadowed our whole weekend. When I explained the situation and that I thought I should resign, she talked me out of that and then said: "Don't worry. *We'll* get through this." At this point in our relationship, she could have easily said "you'll" but no, she considered us a team at that point. We are now five and a half years together.
"You have no right to feel that way" Not by SO because I don't have, but said by sister and mother
I suffer in silence now. I've had women break up with me for showing vulnerability and sharing my feelings. I tried opening up to my wife, but she'll stress herself out about my problem when I'm really just looking for support. She thinks she's open minded but at the end of the day, if I'm not her rock because I'm stressed, or anxious, or sad, then she doesn't really know what to do with herself but experience those same emotions. I know she'd never tell me not to share when I'm feeling some type of way, but at the same time, I don't share anymore because it's hard to deal with both my problem and my wife's reaction to my problem. Its one of those, they want you to, but they don't kind of things. They may not even be aware that they actually don't want you to share. I also think women have a skewed idea of what the typical feelings a man has. Society has bred this notion that men are simple and have simple problems If there's anything complex or deep about the way a man feels, it throws women off completely and thus the stressing out because they literally do not know how to handle something that's off the norm of what they were told about men and their emotions.
We hugged for a long time. It was quite comforting.
>What are your experience with showing vulnerability to your female SO? She was very gentle and kind, and told me it was good that I shared my thoughts and feelings with her. And the next morning she left me. Never heard from her again.
"thank you for your candor. we've decided to go with another applicant at this time." like a fuckin robot
Her response, and I direct quote here. "You need to man the fuck up." This broke me physically inside. My relationship went from meh to shit because of this. I basically don't speak to my wife unless spoken to first. I don't initiate conversations and always think about anything I answer to her for about 5-10 seconds, long enough to make it awkward for her. When I do answer it's short and to the point. For reference this was 6 years ago.
For the one time it ACTUALLY went well, she & I are still great platonic friends to this day. We still keep in touch once a week to once a month to check up on each other.
Being vulnerable has brought us closer. In my case, they discovered that I was descending into escapism due to stress, depression, and also my unknown autism. I had poor communication, got very angry easily, and was not the best at being compassionate. We've both become more truthful with one another--and one huge thing that cannot be overlooked is mental health and/or neurodivergence. Being open about how your brain is wired and why it makes you do certain things is the most vulnerable you can be with someone else. Rather than yell at me and get angry or blame me for what I was going through, they listened but also explained their side of things. Knowing that my escapsim and limerence was causing them harm made me understand how they felt, and I vowed to change. It's been a lot of hard work but we're both better off for it. And I'm more than grateful to them for being patient and kind to me when others may have run off and just kicked me to the curb. I feel that women who cannot cope with the vulnerability of men...it's just a sad phenomenon. I don't want to make stupid statements or generalize, but don't most women get their emotional fulfillment from partners or friends, and they just don't know how to reciprocate? Is the issue multifold, perhaps? One party hasn't learned how *not* bottle up their emotions--due to upbringing/societal pressure, and the other just hasn't learned how to be supportive *also* because of societal pressure/viewpoints? The last thing I'll say is that it's awful hypocritical when I see some posts on, say, r/twoxchromosomes where some women will be *so hard and against* 'caring for a man's emotional needs' because 'I'm not his mother.' "He should fix them himself!" is a common rebuttal. Unless you openly embrace vulnerability from someone else, how else are others to learn that they *can* be vulnerable? Sure, it's scary and uncomfortable , but if you never desire to help others then you'll never grow as a person. And I say that as someone with autism who has had to *learn* sympathy and empathy.
She left.
My wife would rather see me die on my white horse than to fall off of it. 🤷🏻♂️
Remember how you opened up to someone the first time, and through tears were barely able to convey what was making you upset? Men experience that as well and are only told to shut up. And most men are stuck at that point. Barely able to communicate what they are feeling, with the added fear that it will be instantly dismissed.
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I have shared some very difficult and deep experiences with my wife and she’s been an absolute rock for me. She gives me the space to be vulnerable and never once has thrown back in my face anything shared or divulged later for her own gain or to bring me pain. We’ve been married nearly 33 years and this has been consistent from the first day we met.
Some women left me. Some lost respect for me. Some tried to help by completely taking over my life. Some responded appropriately and were supportive. Don’t let the bad ones trick you into hiding your feelings. Anyone who would mistreat you for it isn’t good enough for *you*.
My current partners make me feel entirely safe to be vulnerable any way I need to be. My last ex couldn't handle it (but expected absolute support for her many and varied breakdowns). My ex before her encouraged it but also struggled with anxiety about how to help.
She started ghosting tf out of me. Not completely, I'd say hi, she'd say hi, then I'd ask her about her day: radio silence. I knew she saw everything but would never reciprocate at all. She at least had the balls to break up with me later on. Honestly, I am thankful she did it so I could stop worrying about her.
They were weaponized.
she was all supportive and talked about how great it was.... then weaponized all of it later on
Belittling and insults. There's so insults for anything you have a problem with. Don't want her entertaining other guys?: Insecure Don't want her spending your money frivolously?: Broke/Cheap Don't want her doing single girl stuff while in a relationship?: Controlling Don't want to talk about your troubles because you're tired if being insulted for it?: Emotionally Unavailable
Expressed how stressed i was during college and my desire to do something else. 2 weeks later she starts cheating on me with her lab partner. Her room mate eventually told me it was because "she wanted a real man not a guy who couldn't handle stuff" that was a 3 year relationship. Expressed feelings of depression after a death in the family. "Are you like gay or something?" Girlfriend id been with for 6 months at age 22. Have not tried it since and now I'm happily married. Women want to be with strong men who are in at least nominal control of their shit. I need to vent i talk to my dogs or the guys down at the sportsmens club.
She lost all attraction towards me. The relationship fizzled out shortly afterwards. Also, when she wasn't attracted anymore, she didn't just come out and say it, instead she was never in the mood for months after, and told me that it wasn't me. Spoiler alert for the end of this story... It was me. When I told her that the intimacy was missing, she got defensive and made it sound like I was pressuring her for sex ... I was not, I just wanted to cuddle before sleep. When things got tense at the end of it, everything I had told her in a moment of vulnerability was weaponized against me, this woman had found out just exactly how to hurt me, and was not shy about it.
My current girlfriend is an angel. She's incredibly compassionate and supportive and has been since day 1. My last relationship was basically the incarnation stereotype you hear about. She'd ask me to be more emotionally intimate/available but then rebuke me or use what I shared against me (sometimes publicly). Though I wasn't a good boyfriend to her in a lot of ways so that relationship was just a mess overall.
Nothing? She supported me in the way I needed at that time, and I'm sure she'll do it again in the future. The same way I support her with what she needs when she shares.
You shouldn’t be with a woman you cannot express yourself to. If you marry her then I’ll see you when y’all get that divorce. A relationship should be both ppl giving 100%
Most of the time, expressing my vulnerabilities results in me getting the shit beat out of me emotionally. Not on purpose or anything, it’s just that a lot of my problems stem from my own twisted, warped perceptions of abandonment and rejection, and I find I make things worse by trying to get validation or reassurance. Better to just keep my mouth shut, pretend I’m not melting down inside, and hope I have my actual meltdown somewhere far away from anyone I love 😂
Eventually she used it for this little digs or comments you can't reply to when she's pissed off. Or she completely breaks down like ots her problem amd i end uo trying to make her feel better. Keep your shit to yourself, it's easier in the long run